Top 10 ways to make sure your work is never published, or worse, cited

Nick Hopwood (University of Technology, Sydney)

See associated blog at nickhop.wordpress.com

I’ve said before and will say again:If you’re worried about getting rejected, don’t be!

It is DEFINITELY going to happen one dayIt happens to all of us

Join the club!

1Good papers that are never

read may be found here

Never submit your work to anyone for review

Why? Fear of rejection / criticismPerfectionismOther excuses

100% safe ZERO chance of getting published in journals

2You can be your own worst

enemy

Perfect your work first

Anyway… Perfectionism is often other excuses in disguise

You will never write a perfect textAccept this, get over it, and move on

3Get E.O.S.

CausesNot re-draftingNot seeking critical feedbackAvoiding the hard questionsBeing in a hurry: ‘quick & dirty’ is really just ‘dirty’

Early Onset SatisfactionMem Fox’s idea

via @ThomsonPat’s blog ‘patter’

Maybe you are not as good as you think you are

4Collapse under harsh critique

Certainties in research:Death, taxes, nasty reviews

This is a rather dull re-hash of very familiar ground… as a piece of policy analysis this is

derivative and lacking in insight and originality. It would merit a ‘B’ as an M.Ed.

essay

5Sell the wrong paper

MethodWrite one title / abstract, and then a completely different paper, ensuring you fail to deliver on your promise

Effective way to frustrate and disappoint reviewers

Does exactly what it says on the tin

Oops!You’re actually going to submit something

to a journal. Eek! It might get acceptedBetter make sure no-one ever reads or,

worse, cites it!

6Give it a truly dreadful title

Choice elementsNo connection to ongoing conversationNo sense of what is newJargonPuns

Stop people even reading the abstract!

= “A dull and irrelevant waste of time”

7Match your title with an equally poor abstract

Poor abstracts fail to:

LOCATE paper in bigger pictureGive a clear, specific FOCUS for studyREPORT what was done and foundARGUE what is new, and why we should care(Kamler & Thomson 2006 Helping doctoral students write, London: Routledge)

“Tiny texts” are hard but worth the effort

Leave readers with no sense of where the paper is going

8Hide your arguments in waffle

Wafflers successfully avoidStarting para’s by announcing key ideaReminding readers of key pointsBeing explicit: “What is new here is…”Did I mention reinforcement?

Your readers need it S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G O-U-T for them

Argument & contribution under here somewhere

9Make no worthwhile argument at all

BORRRRR-ING!Fear of over-claiming leads to too much cautionTime taken to read your ‘nothing’ paper is time your readers can never get back

Therefore it can be seen that to a certain extent the statement is true

Not only will readers FORGET your paper, they’ll be really ANNOYED with you too!

10Over claim

Unsubstantiated conclusions & rampant

speculation

A paper isn’t worth its salt unless youChange the face of health servicesUndo all the wrongs of historyFind a cure for cancerEliminate all global injustice

“I humbly accept the Nobel Prize for my contribution to … based on one journal paper”

Thanksnickhop.wordpress.com

@NHopUTS