Do you know that feeling of having a question consume you?

Itʼs the last thing before you fall into sleep and when the light or the clock or the children wake you itʼs the first thing in your mind. Itʼs there when you squirt the shampoo into your palm.Itʼs there when you load the dishwasher, drive to work, scramble the eggs. And somehow, you think that if you get the answer, once you get the answer, all else will make sense. This one answer will provide the clarity to propel you forward and give you hope.Itʼs sad and silly because I continue to become consumed with questions. Itʼs sad and silly because if and when the answers come they come with more questions. There is only more and more and more to think about and to con-sume me.I am spending a lot of time sitting these days as I feed my “gift of light”, my newest child, Liora. I spend the time in many ways. I remind myself to switch out the laundry. I wonder if I brushed my teeth. I yearn for a shower. I worry about not playing with Stella enough. I gaze into Dayliʼs (as we more often call Liora) eyes and wonder how I will love her well and not enough. I am consumed with how to make more money, what to do with my life, how to pay all the bills. I look inside my head and try to make sense and balance out of this moment in my life.  I think about all these things as I sit. But, also as I shampoo my head and scramble the eggs.Iʼm also thinking about Rueben, a man who has lived for over 10 years in a refugee camp because he had to flee Sierra Le-one. I think about a group of 6 blind Tibetan children who climbed up to a peak next to Mt. Everest. I think about parents who raise children all alone with no partner to help. I think about doctors and nurses who want to come to the aid of sick people and yet so many people canʼt afford to follow the path of health insurance to get to these doctors.  I think about all these things as I sit. But, also when I load the dishwasher and drive Stella to school.Every day I ask the same questions and new ones. Rarely do answers shine through through curtains.  I canʼt help but ask...and I canʼt deny one answer I always get...my breath. Iʼm here. Here to shampoo my head and love my daughters. I am here to think about Rueben and  those of us with no access to health care. I am here. Here to sit with you. If you ask questions too. Maybe soon Iʼll be able to go climb a mountain with some beautiful Tibetan children. Dayliʼs hungry again so it wonʼt be today. But, it will be soon. 

Sometimes at night, while Iʼm rocking her to sleep, I wonder if I should buy a baseball bat that I keep in the closet. I even think about buying a

gun and keeping it under the mattress when I sleep in case some desperate men break into our house at night and threaten the people I love most. I also think about our doors, our locks, our lights. I think about this more in 2010 than I did in 2009 because in October 2009 people broke into our house and took our stuff and made us nervous. Then in November Liora was born and I remembered what it was like to hold such a delicate human being as she tried to better manage her flailing limbs. In January our housemate Mike had his car stolen from our driveway. Add the carnival of healthcare fears, employment stress, the viability of our own non-profit and pain so many of friends are going through right now and you could see how someone might develop a bit of anxiety. Iʼm working back at the Costume shop I was working at ten years ago when I was in college. I can honestly say that returning to Disguises feels like coming back to my family after a strange sojourn. Still, I canʼt help like I took a step back. The extra money helps but I donʼt get heath benefits. Most of the ministries TCA helps have suffered serious cuts because their donor support has dried up. No one can get credit and so people hold on to what cash they do have. Budgets have been cut and jobs have been lost. This has caused Christa and I to talk about making shifts in future of TCA. Weʼve talked about redirecting the focus of TCA from simply providing events-based resources in dramatic performance to actually cultivating dramatic art in all kinds of ways for faith communities. Whether that be in education, performance or conversations in small groups. Things have changed and the future is uncertain but there is still a place for dramatic art in our faith and so I must press on. Elimination is one of the goals of an artist, not “what can I add to this piece” but “what can I take away.” A sculpture has to free the form from within the block of stone. A writer must reduce all of the events they see into a story. This is the artistʼs job not the artʼs. I know that when I fantasize about all the horrible things that could happen to me and I start making a plan to play “The Protector” Iʼm just afraid that my creator is incompetent or mean. This isnʼt what I want to believe. I want to believe that God is doing a masterpiece with me... even if it just looks like Iʼm trying to manage my own flailing limbs.

fear(s) tornp a g ello friends!Well, the big news is that on Monday, Septem-ber 17th Torn Curtain had it’s official first meeting! This was such a big deal because it was the last step we needed to take before filing for our federal tax-exempt status. Our board is made up of a president (me), a vice the torn curtain newsletter.

questions(s)

by Paul

please pray.For our staminato navigate life with two kids.

For our decisions on the future of

TCA in 2010

For Christaʼs reintegration into her pastoral role at the

Refuge

By Christa

llo friends!Well, the big news is that on Monday, Septem-ber 17th Torn Curtain had it’s official first meeting! This was such a big deal because it was the last step we needed to take before filing for our federal tax-exempt status. Our board is made up of a president (me), a vice