Twenty Ways to KillSomeone With a Straw

Second Revised Edition

A Brief Step-By-StepGuide to Self Defense

Twenty Ways to KillSomeone With a Straw

Second Revised Edition

Scott Sullivan

Since the advent of the straw, man-kind has been using it to destroy one another. The maneuvers in this book are intended solely for the purpose of self defense.

Twenty Ways to Kill Someone With a Straw

1. Choking

2. Blood Loss

3. Asphyxiation

4. Beating

5. Burning

6. Drowning

7. Illness

8. Shooting

9. Exploding

10. Slipping

11. Feeding

12. Poison

13. Bludgeoning

14. Car Accident

15. Injection

16. Tornado

17. Whistle

18. Aeroplane

19. Falling

20. Freezing

1. ChokingAdditional Materials:

None

Procedure:Step 1:

Tie straw into knot.

Step 2:Repeat Step 1 until straw resembles a ball.

Step 3:Make opponent eat the straw ball.

Successful outcome:Opponent will place hands around neck, opponent’s face will turn purple, opponent will collapse on the ground.

2. Blood LossAdditional Materials:

Knife or other sharp bladed tool

Procedure:Step 1:

Use knife to sharpen end straw to a point.

Step 2:Forcefully push straw into opponents chest.

Step 3:Quickly pull straw out of opponents chest.

Step 4:Repeat until satisfied.

Successful outcome:Upon completion of Step 4, opponent should be squirting blood from chest. After a couple minutes of this, opponent will fall to the ground.

3. AsphyxiationAdditional Materials:

None

Procedure:Step 1:

Wrap one tip of the straw around your Left index finger.

Step 2:Wrap the other tip of the straw around your Right index finger.

Step 3:Approach opponent from behind and place straw on throat.

Step 4:Apply constant and firm pressure on opponents throat with the straw.

Successful outcome:After Step 4 is applied properly, opponent will collapse on the ground.

4. BeatingAdditional Materials:

None

Procedure:Step 1:

Lay straw across your knuckles.

Step 2:Tuck ends of straw into your hand as your ball your hand into a fist.

Step 3:Using the hand with the straw, punch opponent in head.

Step 4:Repeat Step 3 until desired outcome.

Successful outcome:Upon proper execution of Step 4, opponent should be lying on the ground completely lifeless.

5. BurningAdditional Materials:

LighterGasolene

Procedure:Step 1:

Dip straw into gasolene.

Step 2:Ignite straw with lighter.

Step 3:Place burning straw under opponent.

Successful outcome:Opponent will catch on fire and after a minute of being on fire, opponent will collapse on the ground.

6. DrowningAdditional Materials:

Water

Procedure:Step 1:

Fill straw with water.

Step 2:Place straw under nose of opponent.

Step 3:At an upward angle, use your mouth to blow water up your opponents nose.

Successful outcome:Opponents lungs will fill with water to the point where they cannot breathe. Opponent will collapse on the ground.

7. IllnessAdditional Materials:

Deadly disease

Procedure:Step 1:

Infect straw with deadly disease.

Step 2:While casually walking past your opponent, gently brush straw against their skin.

Successful outcome:After infecting your opponent with the deadly disease, your opponent will get sick and collapse on the ground.

8. ShootingAdditional Materials:

None

Procedure:Step 1:

Bite the tip off of one of the ends of the straw.

Step 2:Point the straw at opponent’s head.

Step 3:Keeping the tip in your mouth, spit the tip back through the straw.

Successful outcome:The tip that you spit at your opponent’s head will be traveling so fast that it will pass through their head and they will collapse on the ground.

9. ExplodingAdditional Materials:

TNTWickLighter

Procedure:Step 1:

Fill your straw with TNT.

Step 2:Place wick in end of straw.

Step 3:Light wick with lighter.

Step 4:Hand straw to opponent.

Successful outcome:The straw will explode and your opponent will be flying through the air in pieces.

10. SlippingAdditional Materials:

Axle grease

Procedure:Step 1:

Coat the straw in the axle grease.

Step 2:Place in path of opponent.

Successful outcome:Opponent will step on the straw, slip, and hit their head on the ground so hard that they will die.

11. FeedingAdditional Materials:

Food

Procedure:Step 1:

Place straw in mouth of opponent.

Step 2:Forcefully shove food into the end of the straw that is not in the opponents mouth.

Step 3:Repeat Step 2 until opponent dies.

Successful outcome:Your opponent will become full that their stomach will explode and they will collapse on the ground.

12. PoisonAdditional Materials:

PoisonAntidote

Procedure:Step 1:

Cut straw in half.

Step 2:Fill one half with poison.

Step 3:Fill the other half with the antidote.

Step 4:Pour poison in opponent’s drink.

Step 5:Hide antidote.

Successful outcome:If your opponent does not find the antidote, your opponent will drink the poison and die.

13. BludgeoningAdditional Materials:

None

Procedure:Step 1:

Tie one half of the straw into a knot until it resembles a ball.

Step 2:Holding the side that is not tied, swing the ball-knot and strike opponent in head.

Step 3:Repeat Step 2 until opponent dies.

Successful outcome:After Step 3, opponent will be a bloody mess on the ground.

14. WhistleAdditional Materials:

Knife or other sharp bladed tool

Procedure:Step 1:

Use the knife to cut a hole in the middle of the straw.

Step 2:Blow through the straw.

Successful outcome:If you cut the hole correctly, the straw will whistle at such a high pitch that your opponent’s ear drums will explode and they will bleed to death.

15. InjectionAdditional Materials:

SyringeWaterKnife or other sharp bladed tool

Procedure:Step 1:

Cut 1/10 of straw into 2 nanometer pieces.

Step 2:Place the 2nm pieces in the water.

Step 3:Suck the water into the syringe.

Step 4:Inject water into opponent.

Successful outcome:The water wil go into your opponents blood stream and when the pieces reach their heart, the pieces will cut their heart from the inside and they will internally bleed to death.

16. TornadoAdditional Materials:

None

Procedure:Step 1:

Point straw at opponent.

Step 2:Blow throught the straw really hard.

Successful outcome:If you blow hard enough, it will create a tornado that will throw your opponent hundreds of yards away.

17. Car AccidentAdditional Materials:

CarRoadTree

Procedure:Step 1:

Place straw in middle of road while your opponent is driving down the street.

Successful outcome:Opponent will see straw in the middle of the road but they will be driving too fast to stop, they will swerve to miss the straw and drive straight into the tree.

18. AeroplaneAdditional Materials:

Aeroplane

Procedure:Step 1:

Sneak into aeroplane before your opponent gets on.

Step 2:Slide straw into their seat belt buckle so it does not buckle correctly.

Successful outcome:When the aeroplane crashes, your opponent’s seat belt will malfunction and your opponent will hit their head somewhere in the cabin and die.

19. FallingAdditional Materials:

Tall building

Procedure:Step 1:

Tell your opponent to meet you at the top of a very tall building.

Step 2:Poke your opponent very hard with the straw so they fall off of the side of the tall building.

Successful outcome:Your opponent will fall to their death.

20. FreezingAdditional Materials:

Walk in freezer

Procedure:Step 1:

Lure your opponent into the walk in freezer.

Step 2:Shut the door behind them.

Step 3:Use the straw to latch the door shut.

Successful outcome:Your opponent will not be able to get out of the walk in freezer, and they will freeze to death.

TH

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RIF

LING PARAD

IGMT