understanding and supporting the process of grief and loss in children and youth
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Understanding and Supporting the Process Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding and Supporting the Process Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth
Being separated from loved ones and being torn from home and everything familiar is devastating for children and youth. The resulting experiences of loss and grief are profound and lasting. Because children usually have no choices in this experience, the impact for them is more severe than that for the adults in similar events.
Beverly KyerEducator and Public Speaker
2011925.709.3300
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Learning Objectives Recognizing and examining grief as a natural
process in children and youth Increasing understanding and awareness of the
stages and reactions to grief in children Building empathy to shift away from
pathologizing grief responses in children Building comfort to talk about Loss with
children Learning techniques for helping children
manage and move through Grief Honoring grief triggers that surface for us
during the work Understanding that healing is an ongoing
process
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Grief is a Journey to be Shared with Children of all ages
No matter the nature of the loss, the grief process forever shapes the internal working model and resultant behaviors for the child. Our role as caretakers and providers will be to help the child process, cope and eventually integrate the overwhelming and persistent feelings they are struggling with.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
To Support the Grief Journey of Others, Recognize Our Own.
INTRODUCTIONS AND SHARING My Mother [my first real horrifying shock] My Grandparents My Husband left for Vietnam [I just gave birth] I was a late life child; many losses Children with cancer [an all consuming battle] Almost Fiancée [a tear in the fabric of my soul] Veteran patients [I couldn’t save them] My daughter’s Mother My Father; [my collapse] Two suicides [the guilt and the why persist forever]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
How Can We Manage Grief; Ours and Theirs Concurrently?
Recognize what comes up for you. Do not flee from it; honor and allow it. Recognize that the child needs you
more right now. Your tears (if they come) are just fine. (Say to the child crying is good for the soul, spirit,
body) (Say to the child that you feel for their sadness)
While we may be in distress how can we suspend
our own needs and stay with the child’s needs at the moment the child begins to release their grief?
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSWThe Casualty of Relying on Resilience
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
The Casualty of Relying on Resilience
According to Childhood Grief Expert Darla Henry, “Children grieve and adults must understand their intensely painful responses to trauma and loss (Rando, 1993).
Many children in the child welfare placement system experience non-resolution of their losses.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
The Casualty of Relying on Resilience
As a result, there is an increasing intensity of their unexpressed feelings and behaviors, deepening depression and the progression of protest into anger and ultimately rage.
Children who do well in foster or adoptive placements may do so because of the conscious or unconscious ability of those parents to assist children in grieving their losses.?
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
An Exercise in Empathy Bella’s story I will read the story
You will imagine being Bella and respond as Bella
Given these experiences, how could you be helped to grieve, or should you be expected to out grow it.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
GRIEF IS A NATURAL PROCESS Handout “A”
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Grief as a Natural Process The Handout “A”
Overview How to help the child Common mistakes Taking care of yourself Children’s understanding of death
(Developmental implications & Common Responses)
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Elizabeth Keubler-Ross Shock/Denial Bargaining Anger Depression/Despair Understanding/Acceptance
These stages do not operate as a linear process
Handout “B”
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
The Stages Operate the Same When the Loss is not Related to a
Death. The protest [struggle get back the parent (s)/family]
Anger as a defense [protects from facing loss; saying what hurts; source of fear;
guilt] Despair/deep sorrow [helplessness or loss of hope for return]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Assessing Grief
It is important to understand the nature of the loss experienced by the child.
Natural Death (old age; illness)
Traumatic Death (Violence in or near the home; car accident)
Loss of family (Incarceration; removed for abuse)
Ambiguous loss (Are we reunifying? If not, what is the relationship)
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSWShock Intensifies the Pain
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Shock Intensifies The Loss & Grief Experience Strong sense of unreality Feelings of intense guilt and rage Extreme need to blame someone Strong sense of helplessness Real & imagined unfinished business
with the deceased can cause feelings of frustration and betrayal
The “why” need is dramatically increased
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSWUnderstanding Feelings and Behavior
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings
and Behaviors Feelings are Common and Normal [children need to know this is normal; there are no short cuts.
Hurting & crying are part of the healing process]
Feelings are a Priority [The child’s feelings and concerns must take priority. Stop
everything and focus the very second they attempt to open up]
Feelings Exist [Allow anger, guilt, shame, fear, etc to be expressed. Show
authentic empathy, respect and support]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings
and Behaviors Respect Differences [Do not norm the Child’s experiences, timing/duration and
reactions. Accept and validate each emotion just as it is and as it occurs]
Witness [Remember that children most often just want someone to
bear witness to their pain]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings
and Behaviors Support [If the child seems to be playing up grief for attention, this
is a signal that some other need is likely not being met]
Disclosure/Share [Loss happens to everyone. Learning that you are not alone
in the experience lessens some of the fear and brings one out of isolation]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSWSupporting the Tasks of Mourning
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Supporting the Tasks of Mourning
The Four Tasks: by Maria Trozzi
1. Understanding what caused the loss2. Grieving/experiencing the painful
feelings associated with the loss3. Commemorating [Symbolic ceremonies]
4. Going on with life
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Supporting the Tasks of Mourning
The Helpful Caregiver/Provider
1. Foster an open and honest relationship
2. Provide a safe and secure place for the child to mourn
3. Listen, listen, listen, listen4. Help preserve the memory of the lost5. Be a role model of healthy mourning
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW Just When You Think Things are Getting Better
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
After the Sunshine Comes the Storm
Many children are only able to release deeply suppressed grief after they feel secure in your unconditional love.
The wounds in the hearts of children need to begin to heal. The child will then need to express their grief through words.
Listen ………Bella’s Story, by Clark & Post
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Creative Tools and Outlets for the Child
Life books [Pictorial stories about the loved one. Allow the child to adorn the
book with color and design] Letters to Heaven or the Universe [Allow the child to send a message of what they want to say
to the deceased person. This is a powerful intervention (bury/float/balloon]
Rituals to say goodbye [a planned goodbye mitigates the unfinished business that
complicates the grief that follows loss: A gathering of special people]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Creative Tools and Outlets for the Child
Creative Art Play [Art allows for expression of overwhelming non verbalized pain.
Poetry can bring comfort. Clay can be cathartic; Books express the universality off death and loss]
Journal Writing [Suggest topics: what I remember most about..; what I wish I
could say; If I could talk to God; How is … still with me?; what I learned from… that I can take into the future}
Vision a Future [Where do I go from here?; what’s next? What is the
meaning and purpose for my life?]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Cited Works Dr. Bruce Perry, MD,., Ph.D. Preeminent
Trauma Neuroscientist
Darla L Henry, Social Worker, Consultant and Author of the 3-5-7 Model
B Bryan Post, Ph.D. & Nancy Clark, MFT Co-Authors of “The Forever Child” series
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Cited Works
Alexander, 1999; Aust, 1981; Backhaus, 1984; Fahberg, 1991; Fahberg & Jewett, 1978Keck & Kulpecky, 1995; McInturf, 1986; McMillan & Weiner, 1988; Rycus & Hughes, 1998 all emphasized the importance and value of the Life Story book for all foster children.