understanding and supporting the process of grief and loss in children and youth

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Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW Understanding and Supporting the Process Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth Being separated from loved ones and being torn from home and everything familiar is devastating for children and youth. The resulting experiences of loss and grief are profound and lasting. Because children usually have no choices in this experience, the impact for them is more severe than that for the adults in similar events. Beverly Kyer Educator and Public Speaker 2011 925.709.3300

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Page 1: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Understanding and Supporting the Process Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Being separated from loved ones and being torn from home and everything familiar is devastating for children and youth. The resulting experiences of loss and grief are profound and lasting. Because children usually have no choices in this experience, the impact for them is more severe than that for the adults in similar events.

Beverly KyerEducator and Public Speaker

2011925.709.3300

Page 2: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Learning Objectives Recognizing and examining grief as a natural

process in children and youth Increasing understanding and awareness of the

stages and reactions to grief in children Building empathy to shift away from

pathologizing grief responses in children Building comfort to talk about Loss with

children Learning techniques for helping children

manage and move through Grief Honoring grief triggers that surface for us

during the work Understanding that healing is an ongoing

process

Page 3: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Grief is a Journey to be Shared with Children of all ages

No matter the nature of the loss, the grief process forever shapes the internal working model and resultant behaviors for the child. Our role as caretakers and providers will be to help the child process, cope and eventually integrate the overwhelming and persistent feelings they are struggling with.

Page 4: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

To Support the Grief Journey of Others, Recognize Our Own.

INTRODUCTIONS AND SHARING My Mother [my first real horrifying shock] My Grandparents My Husband left for Vietnam [I just gave birth] I was a late life child; many losses Children with cancer [an all consuming battle] Almost Fiancée [a tear in the fabric of my soul] Veteran patients [I couldn’t save them] My daughter’s Mother My Father; [my collapse] Two suicides [the guilt and the why persist forever]

Page 5: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

How Can We Manage Grief; Ours and Theirs Concurrently?

Recognize what comes up for you. Do not flee from it; honor and allow it. Recognize that the child needs you

more right now. Your tears (if they come) are just fine. (Say to the child crying is good for the soul, spirit,

body) (Say to the child that you feel for their sadness)

While we may be in distress how can we suspend

our own needs and stay with the child’s needs at the moment the child begins to release their grief?

Page 6: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSWThe Casualty of Relying on Resilience

Page 7: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

The Casualty of Relying on Resilience

According to Childhood Grief Expert Darla Henry, “Children grieve and adults must understand their intensely painful responses to trauma and loss (Rando, 1993).

Many children in the child welfare placement system experience non-resolution of their losses.

Page 8: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

The Casualty of Relying on Resilience

As a result, there is an increasing intensity of their unexpressed feelings and behaviors, deepening depression and the progression of protest into anger and ultimately rage.

Children who do well in foster or adoptive placements may do so because of the conscious or unconscious ability of those parents to assist children in grieving their losses.?

Page 9: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

An Exercise in Empathy Bella’s story I will read the story

You will imagine being Bella and respond as Bella

Given these experiences, how could you be helped to grieve, or should you be expected to out grow it.

Page 10: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

GRIEF IS A NATURAL PROCESS Handout “A”

Page 11: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Grief as a Natural Process The Handout “A”

Overview How to help the child Common mistakes Taking care of yourself Children’s understanding of death

(Developmental implications & Common Responses)

Page 12: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Elizabeth Keubler-Ross Shock/Denial Bargaining Anger Depression/Despair Understanding/Acceptance

These stages do not operate as a linear process

Handout “B”

Page 13: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

The Stages Operate the Same When the Loss is not Related to a

Death. The protest [struggle get back the parent (s)/family]

Anger as a defense [protects from facing loss; saying what hurts; source of fear;

guilt] Despair/deep sorrow [helplessness or loss of hope for return]

Page 14: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Assessing Grief

It is important to understand the nature of the loss experienced by the child.

Natural Death (old age; illness)

Traumatic Death (Violence in or near the home; car accident)

Loss of family (Incarceration; removed for abuse)

Ambiguous loss (Are we reunifying? If not, what is the relationship)

Page 15: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSWShock Intensifies the Pain

Page 16: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Shock Intensifies The Loss & Grief Experience Strong sense of unreality Feelings of intense guilt and rage Extreme need to blame someone Strong sense of helplessness Real & imagined unfinished business

with the deceased can cause feelings of frustration and betrayal

The “why” need is dramatically increased

Page 18: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Understanding Feelings

and Behaviors Feelings are Common and Normal [children need to know this is normal; there are no short cuts.

Hurting & crying are part of the healing process]

Feelings are a Priority [The child’s feelings and concerns must take priority. Stop

everything and focus the very second they attempt to open up]

Feelings Exist [Allow anger, guilt, shame, fear, etc to be expressed. Show

authentic empathy, respect and support]

Page 19: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Understanding Feelings

and Behaviors Respect Differences [Do not norm the Child’s experiences, timing/duration and

reactions. Accept and validate each emotion just as it is and as it occurs]

Witness [Remember that children most often just want someone to

bear witness to their pain]

Page 20: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Understanding Feelings

and Behaviors Support [If the child seems to be playing up grief for attention, this

is a signal that some other need is likely not being met]

Disclosure/Share [Loss happens to everyone. Learning that you are not alone

in the experience lessens some of the fear and brings one out of isolation]

Page 22: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Supporting the Tasks of Mourning

The Four Tasks: by Maria Trozzi

1. Understanding what caused the loss2. Grieving/experiencing the painful

feelings associated with the loss3. Commemorating [Symbolic ceremonies]

4. Going on with life

Page 23: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Supporting the Tasks of Mourning

The Helpful Caregiver/Provider

1. Foster an open and honest relationship

2. Provide a safe and secure place for the child to mourn

3. Listen, listen, listen, listen4. Help preserve the memory of the lost5. Be a role model of healthy mourning

Page 25: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

After the Sunshine Comes the Storm

Many children are only able to release deeply suppressed grief after they feel secure in your unconditional love.

The wounds in the hearts of children need to begin to heal. The child will then need to express their grief through words.

Listen ………Bella’s Story, by Clark & Post

Page 26: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Creative Tools and Outlets for the Child

Life books [Pictorial stories about the loved one. Allow the child to adorn the

book with color and design] Letters to Heaven or the Universe [Allow the child to send a message of what they want to say

to the deceased person. This is a powerful intervention (bury/float/balloon]

Rituals to say goodbye [a planned goodbye mitigates the unfinished business that

complicates the grief that follows loss: A gathering of special people]

Page 27: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Creative Tools and Outlets for the Child

Creative Art Play [Art allows for expression of overwhelming non verbalized pain.

Poetry can bring comfort. Clay can be cathartic; Books express the universality off death and loss]

Journal Writing [Suggest topics: what I remember most about..; what I wish I

could say; If I could talk to God; How is … still with me?; what I learned from… that I can take into the future}

Vision a Future [Where do I go from here?; what’s next? What is the

meaning and purpose for my life?]

Page 28: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Cited Works Dr. Bruce Perry, MD,., Ph.D. Preeminent

Trauma Neuroscientist

Darla L Henry, Social Worker, Consultant and Author of the 3-5-7 Model

B Bryan Post, Ph.D. & Nancy Clark, MFT Co-Authors of “The Forever Child” series

Page 29: Understanding and Supporting the Process  Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth

Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW

Cited Works

Alexander, 1999; Aust, 1981; Backhaus, 1984; Fahberg, 1991; Fahberg & Jewett, 1978Keck & Kulpecky, 1995; McInturf, 1986; McMillan & Weiner, 1988; Rycus & Hughes, 1998 all emphasized the importance and value of the Life Story book for all foster children.