unfriendly fire: a mother's memoir (singular lives)

title: UnfriendlyFire:AMother'sMemoirSingularLives

author: Mullen,Peg.publisher: UniversityofIowaPress

isbn10|asin: 0877455074printisbn13: 9780877455073ebookisbn13: 9781587291616

language: English

subject

VietnameseConflict,1961-1975--Protestmovements--UnitedStates,VietnameseConflict,1961-1975--Casualties,Mullen,Peg,--1917-,Mullen,MichaelEugene,--1944-1970.

publicationdate: 1995

lcc: DS559.5.M841995ebddc: 959.704/3373

subject:

VietnameseConflict,1961-1975--Protestmovements--UnitedStates,VietnameseConflict,1961-1975--Casualties,Mullen,Peg,--1917-,Mullen,MichaelEugene,--1944-1970.

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UnfriendlyFire

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SingularLives:TheIowaSeriesinNorthAmericanAutobiographyAlbertE.Stone,SeriesEditor

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UnfriendlyFireAMother'sMemoir

PegMullen

ForewordbyAlbertE.Stone

UNIVERSITYOFIOWAPRESSIOWACITY

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UniversityofIowaPress,IowaCity52242Copyright©1995bytheUniversityofIowaPressAllrightsreservedPrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

DesignbyRichardHendel

Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedorusedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopyingandrecording,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher.

Printedonacid-freepaper

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataMullen,Peg,1917-Unfriendlyfire:amother'smemoir/PegMullen;forewordbyAlbertE.Stone.p.cm.(Singularlives)ISBN0-87745-506-6,ISBN0-87745-507-4(pbk.)1.VietnameseConflict,19611975ProtestmovementsUnitedStates.2.VietnameseConflict,19611975Casualties(Statistics,etc.).3.Mullen,Peg,1917-.4.Mullen,MichaelEugene,19441970.I.Title.II.Series.DS559.5.M841995959-704'3373dC2094-48108CIP

01009998979695C5432101009998979695P54321

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ThisbookisdedicatedtothevictimsoftheVietnamWarofallcolorsthemillionsofyoungmenandwomenwhoselives,limbs,andmindsweredestroyedbyasuccessionofunscrupulousmeninpower.

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Whenthewarhasendedandtheroadisopenagain,Thesamestarswillcoursethroughtheheavens.ThenwillIweepforthewhitebonesheapedTogetherindesolategravesOfthosewhosoughtmilitaryhonorsfortheirLeaders.FromthediaryofanunknownNorthVietnamesesoldier,1965

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Contents


xi

Introduction xvii

Acknowledgments xix

ChapterOne:October16,1989 1

ChapterTwo:Michael 6

ChapterThree:YourSonIsDead 18

ChapterFour:TheHomecoming 25

ChapterFive:ASilentMessage 31

ChapterSix:TheMarines 44

ChapterSeven:WBZ 55

ChapterEight:PrivateEdHall 64

ChapterNine:IGotoSeethePresident 72

ChapterTen:TheDraft 79

ChapterEleven:MothersandVeterans 90

ChapterTwelve:FriendlyFire 100

ChapterThirteen:Gene 113

ChapterFourteen:ANewWar 123

Epilogue:Michael'sLettersHome 139

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UnfriendlyFireissurelyasingularcontributiontothediscussion,flourishingnowformorethantwodecades,ofthemeaningsoftheVietnamWarforAmericanculture.Asamother'smemoir,PegMullen'sautobiographychallengesandcomplementsnearlyallothervoicesandviewpointsinthiswide-rangingdebate.Neitheranapologistforthegovernmentandmilitarynorareturnedveteran,neitheranovelistnoraNewJournalist,PegMullentellsherstorysimplyandpassionatelyasaspecialwitnessfromthehomefront.Buthersisnotonlyamother'svoicemutedasthesehaveoftenbeenkeeningoverthelossofnearly58,000Americanlives.Herparticularfatehasbeentobethemotherofasoldierkilledbyfriendlyfire,deadinhissleepfromanartilleryshellostensiblyfiredinsupportoftheinfantryunitofwhich,onFebruary18,1970,MichaelE.Mullenwasanactingplatoonsergeant.Thoughvictimsoffriendlyfirewerebutonesegmentofthemorethan10,000nonhostilecasualties,theirnumberwasneversmall.Governmentalpolicyandmilitarycensorshipkeptthisgrislyfeatureoftheconflictasconfidentialaspossible.Inparttoexposesuchsubterfugesinlanguageandaction,butalsoonbehalfofthethousandsofAmericanfamiliesafflictedbythisironiccalamityand,aboveall,toexpressherownandherhusband'smystifiedoutrage,PegMullenhaswrittenthiseloquentaccountofoneIowafamily'ssufferingandsacrifice.Hertitledeliberatelyunmasksoneofhercountry'smoreegregiouseuphemismsofmodernwarfare.

Asthetextinsistentlydocuments,PegMullennotonlyclaimsaplaceintheburgeoningliteratureoftheVietnamWarbutalsoremindsyoungerreadersthathernameandactivitiesthoughlesspublicized

thanthoseofJaneFondaandJoanBaez,nottomentionDr.Spock,AbbieHoffman,ortheBerriganbrothershavebeenknownforaquartercentury.Firstasastateandregionalantiwaractivist,thenin1976astheprotagonistinC.D.B.Bryan'sFriendlyFire,herfameextendedfromherfarmnearLaPorteCity,BlackHawkCounty,Iowa,totherestofthenation.EvenmoreAmericansencounteredherresolutepersonalityastranslatedin1979fromlifetobooktoTVscreenintheprize-winningdocudramaFriendlyFire,starringCarolBurnettasPegMullen.

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GivensuchstrategiclocationwithinAmericanpopularcultureandappearingintheafterglowofDesertStorm,UnfriendlyFirecommandsattentiontotheongoingtaskofunderstandinganincreasinglyremoteanddivisivewar.PegMulleninsists,furthermore,upontheneedtomakepersonal,moral,andemotionalsenseratherthanarticulatemorecerebralassessmentsofhistorical,political,andsociologicalcausesandconsequences.Hervaluingpersonalandfamilialsufferingandresistancemakesplainthisboolesautobiographicaltheme.Forheridentitybecomesoursharedlossanddisillusionamidthemysteriesandmeaningsofone"accidental"deathinafar-offwarandtheaccompanyingcivilianconflictsathome.TheirconfluenceturnedPegandGeneMullenintoconfirmedcriticsofwarandthePentagon,ofPresidentNixonandColonelNormanSchwarzkopf,MichaelMullen'sbattalioncommanderinthehillsnearChuLai.

Theireldestsonwasinfactandisinmemorytheappleofhisparents'eyes.AttheMullens'story'score,therefore,isPeg'srefusaltoacceptherson'sdeath.Herworksstructurereflectsthetriangularwebofrelationshipsamongmother,father,son.Michaelsmall,intense,caring,obedient,hardworkingcombinedhisparents'qualitiestobecomeanexemplaryIowafarmchild,4-Hmember,Catholichighschoolandcollegestudent,reluctantbutdutifuldraftee.HislettersfromVietnamappearasthecodatothisfamilynarrative.Inunderstatedprose,thesoldierrepeatsthefeelings,concerns,andlanguageofothergruntspresentanddyinginmoreartfulaccountslikeMichaelHerr'sorTimO'Brien's.Likethem,herecordsgrowingbitterness,weariness,andasenseoffutilityoverthesearchanddestroytactics,thevillageburnings,theboobytraps,andthecallousbodycountpreoccupationofhissuperiors.Gene'ssecretlettertohisdeadsonaspoignantasanypassageintheotherVietnamnarrativesdramatizesthesilentsufferingthisfatherenduredashe

grievedhiswaytowardacceptanceofhisson'sdeath.

Inbetweenandembracingbothdeadmales'words(forGene'sdeathcamein1986,beforePegbeganwritingherautobiography)standsthestubbornlyhonestauthor-mother-wife.Whatneithertheson'snorthefather'sletterscanrevealisthe"truth"ofMichaelMullen'skillingasamicrocosmoftheVietnamWar.Thisquestforwidermeaninganimatedthegrievingparents'livesfromFebruary1970on.ReadersofPegMullen'sstorywillrecognizethatthewidow,

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nowretiredtoamodesthomeinBrownsville,Texas,stillpursuesthe''truth''behindherson's"accidental"killing.Thisquestbecomesinextricablyentangledwiththemysteries,evasions,obsessions,andtheconflictingexplanationsandblamingssurroundinganddefiningthewar.Forbothparents,thecauseofMichaelMullen'sdeathmustbeapersonal"Who?"ratherthansomeimpersonalconcatenationofgeographyandhistory,strategyandtactics,mechanicalaccidentorhumanerror.TheMullens'privatetragedyandpublicactionschallengetheofficialjustifications,thenandlater,summarizedbyAndrewMartininReceptionsofWar:VietnaminAmericanCulture.Thechiefoneswerethefollowing:asa"quagmire,"Vietnamistobeblamedonnoone;the"mystery"thatsimplyhappenedinafarawayplaceandtime,therefore,defiescomprehension;becauseitbecameastruggleamong"victims,"Vietnam"wasawarnoonewon";andfinallythe(tosomehollow)claimremainsthattheAmericanmilitarywasneveractuallydefeatedonthebattlefieldsofSoutheastAsia.

PegMullentreatssuchhistoricalexplanationssimplyasexcusesrenderedsuspectorinvalidbythetestimonyinherson'slettersandreturnedsoldiers'phonecalls,letters,andvisitstothefarm.Herownpreoccupationthroughoutiswithmilitaryinjusticeandpoliticalduplicity.Whatshefirmlybelievesisaconspiracybeganthedayanofficerandherlocalpriestcametothefarmtoannounce,butnothonestlyexplain,Michael'sdeathbyfriendlyfire.Herresistancepersiststothepresent.Ifoundmyselfdespisingeveryoneinmilitaryuniform,"shesaysofhercampaignwagedthroughmarchesanddemonstrations,interviewsandpanelsonradio,TV,andinthepress,andinreluctantparticipationinBryan'swritingofFriendlyFireandevenmorereluctantacquiescencetoABC'smovieversionofherexperiences.Thefinalactofremembranceandrebellion,sofaratleast,isthisautobiography.

Whatisanadequateresponsetotheenormitiesofthisdoublewarthe

oneinVietnamandtheotheronthestreetsofplaceslikeDesMoinesandWashington?PegMullen'sstruggletoconfrontthischallengeleadstoabitterculturaldiagnosis:theUnitedStateshasbecomeathoroughgoingwarculture.Further,anyonewhodarestodeclarethis"truth"openlyriskstreatmentasanenemy.ThisthreatbecamerealityforherduringNixon'svisittoDesMoinesin1971andherownmaulingthereatthehandsofaplainclothespoliceofficer.

"Idesperatelyneedtobelievethatmyson'slifewasnotwasted,

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thathediedforsomehighideal."ThesewordswerespokenbyPegMullenintestimonybeforeacongressionalcommittee.Whennosuchidealemerges,whenitbecomesclearthat,asGeneputit,theirson"diedfornocauseinthisconflictwithnodefinition,"Peg'scrusadeconcentratesonColonel(now,ofcourse,General)Schwarzkopf.DesertStormsimplyfuelsthefiresofherrighteousindignation.InalaterspeechattheUniversityofIowa,"Iventedtwentyyearsofdislikeforamanwho,inmyeyes,stoodonlyforwar,amanwhowouldwinpromotionandadvancementbecauseofhisabilitytowagewar."Latersherethoughtthesewords."AttimesIhavequestionedmyownfeelings,"shestates;''thecolonelwasmerelyfollowingordersinhismindlesspursuitofbodycountinVietnam,butIwon'tforgivehishavingallowedthesacrifice."WhentheGulfWar,initsinitialstage,producedelevenmarineskilledbyfriendlyfire,sheagainfeltjustified.InaninterviewonNBC,shedeclaredthat"youdon'tevercometogripswiththelossofalovedone...oreverforgetoreverbelievetherewasareason.''

PegMullen'srecognitionoftheabsenceofmeaninginherson'sandcountry'sfatesinSoutheastAsiaisbuttressedbytestimonyfromthewebofrelationshipsestablishedwithreturnedveteransandtheirfamilies,aswellasinthepersonalliteratureaboutVietnam.InARumorofWar,forexample,PhilipCaputocontrasts"TheNam"and"TheWorld.""Onthatalienplanet,"heobserves,"nosuchcomfortingregularitieswerediscernible.Asonesoldiercommented,'Itwasnoorderlycampaign,asinEurope,butawarwagedinawildernesswithoutrulesorlaws....Chance.Purechance.Theonetruegodofmodernwarisblindchance.'"Broughtup,likemostoftherestofthe"silentmajority,"tomeasureissueslikewar'smoralityandrationalcircumstancebytheyardstickofWorldWarII,the"ParadigmWar,"theMullenswerebitter,confused,yearnedfiercelyformeaning.UnfriendlyFiredocumentssuchculturalandpersonaldespairwith

convincingclarityandforce.

Formanyknowledgeablereaders,PegMullen'sheroic,intensestruggletoimposemeaningonason'sdeathandadisastrouswarreinforcesinsightsalreadyreceivedthroughotherchannels.Thisbook'stitleandnarrativefocusinevitablyrecallBryan'sFriendlyFire.Thecontrastbetweenaninsideautobiographicalnarrativeandapresumably"objective"oroutsideaccountisinstructiveinmanyways,manyofwhicharetoointricatetobedisentangledhere.Whatis

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clearfromPegMullen'sversionisherutterrelianceuponpersonalexperienceandbelief.TheNewYorkerwriter'sstory,however,assertsthat,while"truth"mayneverbeforthcominginMichaelMullen'scase,itcanbeapproachedbycuriosity,care,andsympatheticweighingofvariousviewsandpersonalinvestmentsinavailablefactsandexplanations.WhenPegandGeneMullenbecamedisenchantedwithFriendlyFire,itwasonlypartlybecausethewriterfromdowninIowaCityhadlistenedcarefullytomanyversionsofMichaelMullen'skillingincludingatsomelengthColonelSchwarzkopf's.Morebasicstillwastheirconvictionthat"duringthefiveyearsheworkedonourstory,itsimplybecamehisstory,andwedefinitelydidnotlikehisversion."AsGeneMullenremarkedtoBryan,"Youwantedthestory,andwewantedthetruth.''TowhichBryanadded,''Theywereright."Assemblingandassessingthefactsaboutthepastcouldnotproduce"truth"untilthestorywaspossessedmade,thatis,meaningfulbybothactorsandtheteller.

UnfriendlyFireimplicitlyaffirmsthisconflictbetween"tellingthetruth"and"tellingastory."Nonetheless,PegMullenremainstruetoherselfabrave,determined,honest,deeplyscarredmother.Writingherson'sstoryasadvocateandwitnessre-establishes,indeed,creates,herautobiographicalidentity.ItbecomesawayoutofgriefwhilekeepingMichaelMullenaliveinmemoryandimagination.ThesonwhodiedneedlesslyinVietnamkeepswhisperingtoher,"Don'tgiveup.Protestthiswar."

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IntroductionIn1968mysonMichaelwasdraftedandoneyearlaterhewassenttoVietnam.HewaskilledinFebruary1970inoneofthelongestmilitaryengagementsinthehistoryofourcountry.TheUnitedStatesbecameinvolvedintheconflictbetweenNorthandSouthVietnamaftertheFrenchlostthewarin1954.Earlier,PresidentTrumanhadsentfinancialaidtoSouthVietnamtostemCommunism.In1955PresidentEisenhowerintroducedmilitarypersonneltohelptraintheSouthVietnamesearmy,followedbythedeploymentofAmericantroopsduringtheKennedyyears.In1964,afterKennedy'sassassination,PresidentJohnsonpresentedtheU.S.SenatewiththeGulfofTonkinresolution,enablinghimtoexpandourinvolvementintoafull-fledgedmilitaryaction.Onlytwosenatorsvotedagainsttheamendment,ErnestGrueningofAlaskaandWayneMorseofOregon.By1969wehad540,000troopsfightinganddyinginacountry10,000milesfromourshores.

PresidentNixoncampaignedinthe1968electiononaplatformtoendthewar,anissuethatheputasideimmediatelyfollowinghiselection.Withtheaidofhissecretaryofstate,HenryKissinger,whotalkedaboutanegotiatedpeaceforfiveyears,theU.S.finallyreachedanagreementinMarch1973withtheNorthVietnamese.Ourtroopswerewithdrawnindisgraceanddefeat.Thewarcontinueduntil1975,whenSaigonfelltotheCommunistsfromthenorth.

Duringtheseyearsmyhusband,Gene,andIlivedonasmallfarminBlackHawkCounty,Iowa.Thefarmdidn'tproduceenoughincometosupportourfamilyoffour,soGeneworkedoffthefarmattheJohnDeereTractorWorksinnearbyWaterloo.Thejobenabledustoforgeaheadinimprovingthefarm,sendourchildrentoaprivatecollege-prephighschool,thentocollegeandgraduateschool.

OnFebruary18,1970,MichaelwaskilledinVietnambyfriendlyfire.WhenIlearnedofhisdeathtwodayslater,Ihadnotimetogrieve.Bythetimehisbodyarrivedhome,Ihadwagedanine-daybattlewiththemilitaryestablishment,andafterhisburialImadeadecisiontocontinuethestruggle.IembarkedonacampaignthatlasteduntiltheVietnamWarfinallyendedfiveyearslater.

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MyfrenziedactivitiesduringthoseyearsweredocumentedinMarch1976byauthorC.D.B.BryaninthreeissuesoftheNewYorkerandreleasedinbookformbyPutnamPublishersthatApril,entitledFriendlyFire.InApril1979amovieofthesamename,basedonthebook,wasproducedbyMarbleArchProductionsandairedonABC-TVwithCarolBurnettplayingtheleadrole.TheproductionwonsixEmmys.Itdocumentedmyfighttolearnthetruthaboutmyson'sdeathbyfriendlyfire,resultinginmypersonalstruggletobringtheVietnamWartoanend.

Forthepasttwenty-fouryearsIhavelivedwiththeterm"friendlyfire."IfirstbecameawareofitwhenamilitaryofficerhandedmeatelegramtellingmethatmysonhaddiedinVietnamasaresultoffriendlyfire.Myreactionwasimmediate:angeranddisbelief.ThenIaskedquestionsandlearnedthetermwasusedtodescribemilitarycasualtiescausedby"friends."

Thetermcontinuestohauntme.Howcanmilitarymenandwomenondutyinawarzonehavetheirdeathsdescribedasfriendly?Thetermhasgrownmorepopularaswecontinuetobecomeinvolvedinwarafterwar,eachofthemproducingmorefriendlyfiredeathsthanthelast.SomescholarsarenowwritingthatallU.S.casualtiesintherecentGulfWarwerefromfriendlyfire.

Itistimetoeliminatethistermfromourmilitarylinguistics.Amilitarydeathduringawarisawarcasualtynotafriendlyaffair.

Themagazinearticles,thebook,themovie,ourantiwaradandseveralyearsofnewsitemsintheDesMoinesRegister,andpersonalappearancesbymecombinedtoproduceacascadeofmail.Letterscamefromwarvictimswhosuddenlywerespeakingout:theveteransthemselves;bereavedmothers,fathers,sisters,andbrothers;childrendeprivedoftheirfathers;andbewilderedgrandparents.

TheseoftenpoeticcommunicationscontaintheonlytrueaccountofthosedarkyearsandthehavocourmilitaryinflictedonhouseholdsacrosstheUnitedStates.TheyconvincedmethatIneededtotellourstory,asthatofonlyonefamilyoftheforgottenpeopleintheVietnamWar.Ihavequotedfromonlyafewoftheletters,butallhavebeenpreservedintheWomen'sArchivesattheUniversityofIowaLibraries,IowaCity,Iowa.

Iwanttothankthewonderfulpeoplewhocaredandwhotookafewmomentstoletmyfamilyknow.

One:October16,1969ItwasaquietnightonmystreetinBrownsville,Texas.Thewindowsanddoorswereopentoletinthegulfbreeze.Threeyearshadpassedsincemyhusband'sdeathandmydecisiontogoitaloneinTexas.

IwasstretchedoutinaLa-Z-BoychairenjoyingthesecondgameoftheWorldSeriesbetweentheOaklandA'sandtheSanFranciscoGiants.Suddenlythetelephonerang.Allbellsandalarmsinourhomehadalwaysbeenloudbecauseofmyhusband'sdeafness.Ihadgrownusedtothem.ThephonerangtwicebeforeIreachedit.

"Hello,"Isaid.

Severalsecondselapsedwithoutaresponse.Notwantingtomissamomentoftheseries,Isaid,"What'syourproblem?"

Thecallerstammered,thenaskedtospeaktoGeneMullen.Iexplainedthathehaddiedin1986.HeaskedforPeg.

Iidentifiedmyself,andwithoutfurtherhesitationheblurtedout,"I'mthemanwhokilledyoursoninVietnamnineteenyearsago."

IwasstunnedthiswasthecallIhadwaitedforsince1970.IthoughtofGeneandthankedGodhewasnotsittinginhischairhecouldn'thavehandledanymoregrief.

Thenmyconcernturnedtotheanguishedmanonthephone:"Whyareyoucallingmeatthislatedate?Andhowdidyougetmytelephonenumber?"

Regaininghiscomposure,hereplied,"I'vealwaysknownwhereyouwere.MybuddywhowaswithmeinVietnamthatnightwasfromIowaandlivedonlyaboutfortymilesnorthofyourfarm."

ItoldhimI'dknownformanyyearsoftheexistenceofhisfriend.Rick,aVietnamveteranwhohadgonetohighschoolwithsomeofmychildren,cametoseemeonemorningseveralmonthsafterMichael'sdeath.HewantedtotellmeaboutdrinkingbeerinataverninWaterlootheeveningbeforewithaveteranwhohadservedintheartilleryunitresponsibleforourson'sdeath.Rickdidnotlearnhisnameandneversawthemanagain.Itwouldhavebeendifficultforustolocatetheveteran;weunderstoodwhyhehadnotcontactedus,sowemadenoefforttofindhim.

"I'mcallingformanyreasons,"hecontinued."Firstyoumustknowthatthemeninthe14thArtillerywerenotdrinkingasshowninFriendlyFire.We'dbeenasleepforseveralhourswhenwewereawakenedshortlyafter2A.M.byourlieutenantwithorderstofiretheguns."

Whenaninfantryunitwasonamissioninthejungle,farfromits

homebase,itwastheresponsibilityoftheartillerytoprovidecoverincaseofenemyattack.Assoonastheinfantryduginforthenight,anartilleryofficer(forwardobserver)whotraveledwiththemradioedtheirlocationbacktohisheadquarters.Meticulouscalculationsweremadebetweentheforwardobserverandtheofficerinchargeofthe105-mmhowitzers.Wheneveryoneinvolvedwassatisfiedthatthecoordinateswereperfect,themenwhowouldfiretheguns,ifnecessary,wereinformedofthethreenumbersthatwouldbepunchedinatthegunsight.

Mycallercontinued:"ExactlocationofCharlieCompanyhadbeendeterminedearlierintheevening,thecoordinateswereset,and

everythingwasreadyincasetheinfantrycameunderattack.Weweretoldthetestroundshadbeencancelledandwecouldgotobed."

Foryearswetriedtofindoutwhosedecisionitwastocallintheartillerycoverat2:30A.M.whennoenemyactionhadbeenreportedandthemenwereasleepintheirfoxholes.SeveralGIswhohadbeentheretoldmeitwasastandingordertoawakenthemenwhentheartillerywouldgoovertheirposition.

Hehesitatedforamoment,thencontinued:"Aslipofpaperonwhichthreenumbershadbeenhandwrittenwashandedtomebytheartilleryofficerwhowokeusupthenumberswerethecoordinatesthathadbeensetintothegunearlierintheevening.AsmybuddyandIapproachedthehowitzer,bothofusweregroggy.Ilookedcloselyatthenoteinmyhandandwithouthesitationpunchedthethreenumbersintotheartillerypiece.Now,fullyawake,Iknewthethirdnumberwaswrong."

Thetragicerrorresultedinthewoundingofsixmenbyshrapnel,theinstantdeathofmysonMichael,whenasmallpieceofsteelpiercedhisheart,andthedeathofayoungmanfromWestVirginiawhodiedtwenty-fourhourslater.

"Mrs.Mullen,bothofusburiedtheincidentdeepinourmindsneitherofuswantedtofacethehavocandterrorwemusthavecaused.Itwasnotuntilthebookwaspublishedthatweknewrealpeoplediedthatnight.Mrs.Mullen,Ican'tkeepthissecretanylonger.Iflashbacknightafternight.MybuddyfromIowaoftencomestoseeme,andforyearswe'vewantedtocallyou."

Itmusthavetakenagreatdealofcourageforthecallertotellmehisstory.Afteryearsofconversationswithveterans,Iunderstoodwhyhehadn'tcalledsooner.Mostofthemfirsthadtohealemotionally,andittookyears.AtthismomentIfeltitwasnecessaryformetoeasehis

hurt.

"Maybeitwillhelpyoutoknow,"Isaid,"thatmanyyearsagoweheardthatanofficerintheartilleryhadbeenreprimanded,infacthadbeencourt-martialed.WehavenoproofbecausetheDefenseDepartmenthasrefusedfornineteenyearstoreleasetheinvestigationofMichael'sdeath.Youwerenotguilty,norwasyourfriend.Sonowmaybelifewillbeeasierforyou."

ThepassageinFriendlyFireaccusingthemeninthe14thArtilleryofdrunkennesswasnotourstory.ItcamefromColonelNormanSchwarzkopf,commandingofficerofCharlieCompanyofthe198th

Battalion.Atthetimeofthemisfirehewasasleeponthehillwiththeartillery.Whencheckinghisunitthenextmorning,hewasquicktotellthemthathesawemptybeercansstackedinfrontofthehowitzers.NoneofthemenwhocamebackalivefromhiscompanyunderstoodwhytheCOtoldthemthisstory;theywereconsumedwithangerwhichdidn'tneedtobereenforced.

Ithankedtheveteranforcalling.Ididn'taskhisnamebutassuredhimthatIbelievedhisstory.Iwishedhimpeaceofmindandhungup.

Nineteenyearsofletters,phonecalls,andvisitsfromVietnamveteranshadinsulatedme.Ihadlearnedtolivewith"friendlyfire"thebook,themovie,andthecolonel.Icouldnotforgetthatperiodinmylife,butgrievingwasinthepast.Imademyselfacupofcoffeeandreturnedtotheworldofbaseball.

ThenextmorningIfeltimpelledtocallCourtyBryan,theauthorofFriendlyFire,andtellhimthatpartofthemysteryofMichael'sdeathhadbeenmadeclearatlast.IaddedthatIbelievedthecaller'sversionofwhathappened,butthereremainedtoomanyunansweredquestions.

"Whocalledintheartillerywithoutalertingthesleepingmenintheirfoxholes?"Iasked."Itwasthedutyoftheforwardobservertodoso;hehadn'tfailedtheminthepastwhythatnight?Andwhywasitcalledinwhentherewasnoenemyactivityinthearea?"Bryanlistenedpolitelybutdidn'tseeminterestedinthenews.Heaskedaboutmyhealthandthankedmeforcalling.

GeneandIneverbelievedColonelSchwarzkopf'sstorythatthemisfirewastheresultofthemenbeingdrunk;wedidn'tbelieveBryan'sconclusionthattheartilleryhadfailedtotaketheheightofthetreesintoconsideration.Genehadcometotheconclusionthatsomeonefailedtoloadthepropernumberofcanistersintothegun,

causingashortfall,i.e.,thetrajectorydidnotreachtheheightorlengthtoavoidthesleepingmenontheground.

InFebruary1991,twenty-oneyearsafterMichael'sdeath,Ifoundmyselfcaughtupinanewwar,DesertStorm,andanotherincidentoffriendlyfireinvolvingtroopsunderthecommandofthesameVietnamcolonel,nowwearingfourstarsandknownas"Stormin'Norman"Schwarzkopf.

Thegeneralhadorderedtwelvemarinesunderhiscommandintothedeserttoengageenemytanks.Thiswasdonebeforethehigh

commandhadissuedordersforthestartofgroundwarfare.Themarinesweremistakenfortheenemybythegeneral'sownairpower,andelevendiedwhentheywerebombed.

ForyearsIhadattemptedtoobtainacopyoftheofficialinvestigationofMichael'sdeath,andinthefallof1990ItriedonceagainthroughtheFreedomofInformationAct.IwasreferredtodepartmentafterdepartmentinthePentagon.Finally,IheardthelastwordfromtheNationalArchives.Michael'sfilehadreachedthem,minustheinvestigationreport.TheyexplainedthatveryfewinvestigationreportsaccompaniedtherecordsofVietnamcasualtiesthatthearchivesreceivedfromthearmy.

Theremusthavebeenthousandsofdeathssubjecttoinvestigationduringourcountry'sten-yearinvolvementinVietnam.Statisticspublishedyearslaterindicatedthatmorethan10,000casualtieswerecausedbyaccidents,murder,friendlyfire,drugoverdose,andotherunexplainedcauses,alllabelednonhostiledeaths.

Forcenturiesithasbeennecessarytosanitizeallwarsandtheirrecords.

Two:MichaelWhenMichaelMullenwaskilledhewasknownonlytohisfamilyandaclosecircleoffriends.AsayoungadulthehadnotventuredveryfarfromIowaonlytoRockhurstCollegeinKansasCityandtheUniversityofMissouriinColumbia.HisflightonatroopcarriertoVietnammusthavetraumatizedhisverysoul.

Becausehisfatherandmother,withtheassistanceofC.D.B.Bryan,madehisdeathbyfriendlyfireacrusadetoawakenallfathersandmotherstotheinsanityofwar,heisrememberedbyanation.

Michaelwasforcedintomanhoodasalittleboybecauseofthecircumstancesinwhichhegrewup.HisfatherreturnedfromWorld

WarIIandboughtthefamilyfarmnearLaPorteCity,Iowa.FollowinghisserviceintheMexicanWar,Michael'sgreat-great-grandfather,JohnDobshire,purchasedthefarmin1854fromthefederalgovernment.Asitpassedfromonegenerationtoanother,ithadbeenallowedtodeteriorate.Thefarmconsistedof120acres,110acresforcrops(cornandsoybeans)and10acresofgrasslandforgrazingcattle.Ourfirstcropharvestedin1946yieldedonly35bushelsofcornperacre,comparedto175bushelstoday.Generealizeditwouldnotsupportourfamily,sohewenttoworkoffthefarm.ForeighteenyearshefarmedandalsoworkedeighthoursadayattheRathPackingCompany,thentheJohnDeereTractorWorks,bothinWaterloo.Michaelwasafidgetyyoungsterneversittingstillanaturalfordoinglightweightfarmchoresassoonashecouldgripthehandleofasmallpail.

MichaelwasbornSeptember11,1944,inDesMoines,Iowa,andlearnedtowalkatFortLogan,Colorado,wherehisfatherwasstationed.AtthattimethearmybasewasanoasisatthefootoftheRockiesitwascalledthecountrycluboftheU.S.Army.Genewasinchargeofthemesshall,andallthecooksandbakerswereGermanprisoners.

Iwentregularlytothemesshalltoeatand,whilethere,wouldallowolderprisonersfathersandgrandfatherstoplaywithMichael.Itwasagainstmilitarycode,butIdidn'tcare.InthesafetyofthestoreroomoneelderlymanwouldtossMichaelintotheairandnearlyhugthelifeoutofhim.Anotherwouldholdtheyear-oldbabyclosetohisshoulderandcroonaGermanlullaby.Myheartwentouttothesesoldiers,whomIsawasvictimsofHitlerandhisgovernment.

AfterwemovedtothefarmnearLaPorteCityinthespringof1946,Michaelhadtheprivilegeofspendinghisthirdandfourthyearswithagrandfatherwhocametolivewithus.Ihadbeenlivingwithmy

father,ClairGoodyear,inDesMoineswhenMichaelwasborn,sothetwoweremeetingagain.Unfortunately,Michael'sfatherhadlittletimetospare.Aslongashisgrandfatherlived,MichaelcalledhimDadandhisfatherGene.

EveryeveningduringthesummermonthsGrandfatherGoodyear,followedbyhisgrandson,walkedahalfmiledowntheroadtothepasturetobringbackthecowstobemilkedbyGenewhenhecamehome.Mikey,emulatinghisgrandfathereverystepoftheway,

OurfarmhomenearLaPorteCity,Iowa,August1978,withourdog,Sandy.ThelandhadbeeninGene'sfamilysincethe1850s,andwemovedtothefarmin1946.Genedrewtheplansforthehouse,which

webuiltin1961.

carriedastickasbigashimself,chasedthecowsinandoutoftheditches,guidedthemintothebarn,andfinishedthejobbystandingonhistoesandreachinghightolatchthebarndoor.WhenGrandpacameinfordinnerintheevening,helovedtorecounteventsoftheirtriptothepastureandback.

MichaelwasalmostsixwhenhestartedschoolinSeptember1950,gettingontheschoolbusattheearlyhourof7:30.HeattendedthepublicschoolinLaPorteCity,atownofabouttwothousandatthattime.Thetownhaditsbeginningsinthe1850sandovertheyearsbecameathrivingcommunity.Itsoldeverycommodityafarmingcommunityneededandatonetimehadthelargestcanningfactoryinthestate,canningsweetcorn.Ithadarailroad,theRockIsland,

andacommutertrolley,theWCFN,whichraneveryhour,carryingfarmchildrentohighschoolinWaterlooandlaborerstoworkattheRathPackingCompanyandtheJohnDeereTractorWorks.SooncitybusesservedthepublicinCedarFallsandWaterloo,motorcarsreplacedthehorseandbuggy,andthetrolleywasabandoned.BusinessesbegantofadewiththeGreatDepression,andLaPortebecameabedroomtown.

Michaelwassmallwhenhestartedschool,butthatdidn'tkeephimfromgettingintotroubleontheplaygroundduringthefirstcoupleofweeks.Hisonlypreschoolfriend,ameanlittlekid,wastwicehissize,soMichaellearnedearlytodefendhimself.Ontheplayground,hewaspushedandshovedaroundbythebiggerboys,whoweredelightedwhenheresponded.Hecamehomewithbuttonsoffandkneesoutofnewjeans.

OnedayIadmonishedhimtostopfighting.Hepromisedtobehave,thengotofftheschoolbusthenextafternoonwithascratchonhischeekandatornshirtcollar.BeforeIcouldsayawordhelookedatmewide-eyedandsaid,''Mom,Ikeptmypromise,Istoppedfightingbuttheydidn't.''

LaPorteCityGradeSchoolhadanexcellentartsandcraftsshoweachyearforallclasses,andthecompetitionamongstudentswasintense.Michael,inthefirstgrade,hadworkedhardonasculptureofababypigmoldedoutofPlay-Dohhewaspositivehehadawinner.Whenthestudentsweretakentothegymnasiumtoviewtheexhibitandcheckoutthewinners,hewasincensedtolearnthathedidnotreceivethebestinhisclass.Heimmediatelyapproachedaneighborandaskedwhojudgedthecontest.WhenBeverlyrepliedthatshehad,heremarkedindisgust,"NowonderIdidn'twinjustabunchoffarmwivesasjudges."Thecompetitivespiritshownbytheundersizedseven-year-oldstayedwithhimashegrewtoadulthood.Hethrived

oncompetition;however,helearnedtoacceptdefeatgraciously.

WhenMichaelturnedeight,Iwasabouttohavemyfourthchildinfiveyears.Hehadbeenanonlychildforalmostfouryears.Naturallyhewasupset.Oneeveningwesatonthedavenportandtalkedaboutit.

"Mom,whyareyouhavingbabiesallthetime?"heasked."Wedon'thaveroomforanother.Wedon'thaveanymoney.WhatI'mtryingtosayisthatmothersofmyfriendsontheschoolbusdon't

Ourchildrenin1955.Clockwisefromleft:Michael,eleven;Patricia,eight;John,three;andMary,five.

havebabieseveryyear."Thisastutelittleeight-year-oldthoughtforamomentandadded,"Whydon'tyouaskDr.Paigeaboutit.I'msuretheremustbeapillhecouldgiveyou."Yearslater,whilestudyingbiochemistryingraduateschool,helaughedandsaid,"Mom,ateightIknewthepillwasthemostperfectdrugeverdiscovered.''

Smallanduncoordinated,Michaelwasnotgoodatsports,butthatdidn'tdampenhisenthusiasm.Attwelve,heandhisfriendJackerectedabasketballbackboardinthebackyard.Theyuseddiscarded

telephonepoles,purchasedforonedollareach;somehowtheseyoungboyswereabletogetthemintotheground,standingstraightandsturdy.Thebackboardwasregulationsize,andtheheightofthehoopwasperfect.Theirfathersonceaskedthemhowlongtheythoughtitwouldstand.IndisgustJackreplied,"Youwaitandsee."Itstood,withanewpaintjobwhenneeded,forthirty-fiveyears.Hoursandhoursofone-on-onebasketballwereplayedwhileMichaelandJohn,hisbrother,weregrowingup.

MichaellovedtoplaygolfandstartedassoonashewasoldenoughtodrivetothegolfcoursenearLaPorteCity.Johnjoinedhimwhenhewastenandintwoorthreeyearswasabletobeathisolderbrother.Eventually,Michaelplayedbasketballinjuniorhighandhighschoolbutcouldn'tdobetterthanthesecondteam.Hehappilysettledforalessglamorousroleandplayedwithspirit.

FromayoungageMichaelknewhewouldgotocollege.Ashegrewup,heworkedwheneverhecouldtoearnhisway.Onhisfirstjob,atageeleven,hecutasparagusonafarmtwomilesaway.Hegotupat5A.M.,pedaledhisbiketothefarm,andcutfortwohoursbeforeschool.Thenhewouldhurryhometoeatbreakfastandcatchtheschoolbus.Heearnedaboutfortydollarseachspringandbankedeverypennyofit.Workerswerepaidbytheweightofeachbasketpicked,andthroughthismethodofpaymenthewasintroducedtodishonestyonthejobforthefirsttimeinhislife.Oneoftheyoungpickersbraggedaboutputtingsandinhisbasket,thencoveringitwithasparagus.Michaelwassoupsethetalkedaboutthiseverymorningforquitesometime.

4-Hclubswerewonderfuloutletsforfarmboysandgirls,enablingthemtoreachouttonewfriendsandeasingtheirisolation.Theyhadgoalseverysummerandprojectsthatwereabsorbing.Eachoftheboysgroomedananimaltoshowatthecountyfair;somegirlsalso

optedforanimalsotherspreparedclothingandbakedgoods.

Oneoftheactivitiesofeachlocaltownshipgroupwastotourthefarmstoinspecttheanimalsbeingreadiedforthecountyfair.Whilepreparingforoneoftheannualtours,Michaelspenttheeveningscrubbinghissteerandgroomingitforthenextday'svisitors.Hetieditinthebarnsoitwouldstayintip-topcondition.

Whenitcametimetobringthesteeroutintothefarmlotsothevisitorscouldviewit,itwouldn'tbudge.Michaelhadtheleadropearoundtheanimal'sneck,pullingwithallhisstrength,withonefoot

Michaelatageeleven,withoneofhis4-Hprojects.

bracedagainsttheopenbarndoor.Hisbuddywasontheotherend,twistingthecritter'stailandpushing.AphotographerwiththeWaterlooCouriersnappedapictureatjusttherightmoment.TheAssociatedPresspickeditupanddistributeditnationwide,bearingthetitle,"Something'sgottogive."

WhenMichaeldiedhewasrememberedbyConnieBarker,afriendfrom4-HdaysandnowanattorneyinSacramento,California:

MichaelandImetinhighschoolwhenwewerebothdelegatestothe4-Hleadershipcamp.Hishighschoolgraduationpictureisonthefirstpageofmyphotoalbum....Hewroteontheback,"Connie,thinknotthattimeisanendless,vastcreation,forwhatwedonowwillsettheroadforthefuture.Besurethatyousetyourroadhighandstraightwithnodiversionsofpurposeinit.Ifyoucan'tmakeheadsortailsoftheabove,don'tworry,Ican'teither"solikeMichael.

Thisphotographoftwelve-year-oldMichaeltryingtodraghissteeroutofthebarn,whichfirstappearedinalocalnewspaper,waspickedupbytheAssociatedPressanddistributednationallywiththecaption,"Something's

gottogive."

Phyllis,aneighborwhohadstartedschoolwithMichael,sittingonthebuswithhimthroughgradeschool,sentasympathycardandenclosedahandwrittennote:IthinkIhadacrushonhimfromthedaywestartedkindergarten."

OnefoggynightduringMichael'sfourteenthsummer,wewereawakenedbythesoundofvoicesapproachingthehouse.Soontherewasaknockatourbackdoor,andwhenIopeneditIfoundamanlyingontheporch,coveredwithblood.IcalledforGeneandMichael.

MichaeltookchargeandaskedmefortowelsandalltheiceIcouldfindinthefreezer.Hethenpackedtheinjuredman'sfacewithice,handingmethebloodytowelstorinseincoldwater.Meanwhile,Iwastryingtopersuadethelocaldoctortocome.Hereferredtoourvictimas"justanotherdrunk"andtoldmetocalltheHighwayPatrol.Healsoinformedmethatpeopledidn'tdiefromlossofbloodasaresultoffacialcuts.

Afterfifteenminutesoftryingtostemthebleeding,theinjuredmanspokeout:"Don'tyouknowmeMike,I'mDon."Anotherquickcalltothedoctortotellhimtheinjuredmanwasourclosefriendandneighbor.Thistimeheresponded,"I'llbethereintenminuteswithanambulance."

Thedoctorcalledusthenextdaytosaythatithadtakentwodoctorssixhourstoputin350stitches.HeaddedthattheywouldhavebeenunabletomaketherepairsifMichaelhadn'tpackedDon'sfaceinice.

TwodaysafterMichael'sdeathwasannouncedwereceivedaletterfromtheinjuredneighbor,scrawledontabletpaper.

Gene,Pegandfamily:

Itisn'tthatIcouldn'taffordacardIcouldn'tfindonethatwouldexpressmyfeelings....

YouwerealwaysthebestneighborswehadEvelynandIIdon'tintendtoforgetit.Gene,ifyouneedapallbearerIwillbeavailable.Justcall,myboysRickandDanwouldbegratefultohelpout.Weoweyousomuch.

Yourstruly,DonElliottandfamily

Michaellovedschoolspenthoursstudyingashegrewolder.FromthefirstIowaBasicSkillstestsinthirdgradeitbecameapparenthewasdestinedforadifferentlifethanthefarmoffered.Weag-

onizedaboutwheretosendhimforhighschool.Ourlocalschoolsystem,atthattime,didnotpushcollegeanddidlittletoobtainscholarshipsforworthystudents.Scholarships,however,weretobecomeimportantinMichael'sfuture.WewereexcitedwhenwelearnedthattheDubuqueCatholicDioceseplannedtobuildacentralhighschoolinourarea.DonBoscoHighSchool,inGilbertville,hadbeenoperatingsixorsevenyearswhenMichaelenteredasafreshman,takingthecollegeprepcourseitoffered.

Hegraduatedinthetop5percentofhisclassandwasawardedascholarshiptoRockhurstCollegeinKansasCity,Missouri.HeoriginallyplannedtostudylawbutwasencouragedbyDr.OscarWrighttostudybiochemistry.However,Michael'sfirstlovewashistory,andwiththepermissionofhischemistryprofessorandthecollegeboard,hewasallowedtocarryadoublemajor,thesecond,thestudyofhistory.

ThesummerprecedinghissenioryearincollegeMichaelboughthisfirstcarausedoneandpaid$500forit.Whenathome,hespenteveryfreemomentpolishingthisprize.WeparkeditinthebackyardwhenheleftforVietnam.Itsatthereforalmostayearafterhisdeath.Noonehadthehearttosellit.Oneday,whilealone,Icalledafriendwhohadatowtruckandaskedhimtocomeandgetit.

UpongraduatingfromRockhurstCollegewithhonors,Michaelwasofferedthreefellowships:onetotheUniversityofMinnesota,onetotheUniversityofOklahoma,andonetotheUniversityofMissouri.HesettledontheUniversityofMissouribecausehehadbeeninthestateduringthepreviousfouryearsandlikedit.

Manytimesduringthepasttwenty-fouryearsI'vewonderedwhatwouldhavehappenedtohimifhehadchosenoneoftheothercolleges.TheheadofhisdepartmentatMissouriservedonvolunteercommitteesatthepersonalrequestofPresidentNixonandsupported

thewar.

Michaelhadbeeningraduateschoolaboutsixweekswhenhecalledhomeonenight,depressedandworriedaboutnotmakingthegrade.Icounseledhimtoputthebooksasideforanevening,buyasix-packofbeer,anddrinkallsixcans.WhenIleftthephone,Iturnedaroundtofacesixteen-year-oldJohn,wholaughinglysaid,"Mom,I'llbetyou'retheonlymotherinthestatetoadvisehersontodrinkasix-packofbeer."Michaelfollowedmyadviceanditworked.Heconqueredorganicchemistry.

TheentirefamilylookedforwardtoMichael'svisitshomeduringtheholidays.Healwaysbroughtsomeonehomewithhim;todaytheseyoungmenareallmyadoptedsons.Ourdaughters,PatriciaandMary,whowereinhighschoolatDonBosco,welcomedthemalevisitors.SinceMichael'sfriendswerefromthecity,itwasatreatforthemtovisitafarmandhelpwiththecattleandhogchores.Genewasstillworkingoffthefarm,sowhenMichaelleftforcollege,John,attheageoftwelve,hadtofillhisbrother'sshoes.

Michael'senthusiasmforlifeneverlefthim,andwespenthourstalkingduringthesevisits.Hisdadusedtoremark,"HowcanyouandMichaeltalkallnightdon'tyoueverrunoutofwords?"Conversationaroundthedinnertablewasalwayslivelyandquiteoftenheated.Politicalissueswerealwaysamaintopic,andduringtheturbulentyearsofthesixtiestheprosandconsofeverycandidatewerediscussedrepeatedly.

WewerestunnedwhenPresidentJohnsonannouncedhewouldnotrunforanotherterm.TherehadbeenrumorshewasonthevergeofmakingpeacewithNorthVietnam.However,wewerepositivethepublicwoulddemandthatanewpresidentbringaquickhalttothecarnageinVietnam.AlthoughwewerestrongDemocratsinaRepublicancommunityandstate,IwasunhappywithSenatorHubertHumphrey'srunforthepresidencyin1968.ButallofusweresickenedwhenwelearnedthatRichardNixonwouldbehisopponent.AtonepointMichaelremarkedthattheonlymaninthecountrywhowouldgetusoutofthewarwasSenatorBarryGoldwater.

Michaelhadtoregisterforthedraftduringhissenioryearinhighschool.Heobtainedadefermenttoattendcollege,andforthenextfiveyearsthedraftboardwasaconstantpresenceinhislife.Itwasnecessarytorenewhisdefermentyearafteryear,butwhenheobtainedpermissiontoattendgraduateschoolhebegantorelax.He

feltbiochemistrywasavitalfield,andhegambledthatachangeofpresidentwouldbringthewartoanend.He'dhadnodraftcounselinganddidn'thavetheupbringingtorunaway.

InSeptemberof1968theBlackHawkCountyDraftBoardrefusedtorenewMichael'sdeferment.Heaskedforanextensionsohecouldpresenthiscompletedthesisforamaster'sdegree,buthisrequestwasrefused.HetriedtoenlistintheAirForceandpassedallthetests,buttherewerenoopeningsforthreemonths.Againthedraftboardrefusedastay.

MichaelwassenttoFortPolk,Louisiana,totrainintheinfantry.Almostimmediatelythearmyputpressureonhimtogotoofficer'strainingschool.Herefusedseveraltimesandwastoldhewouldbesenttothejungleattheendofhisbasictraining.Tostalltheseordersheappliedfornoncommissionedofficer'straining.HewasacceptedandspentthenextsixmonthsatFortBenning,Georgia,graduatingwiththerankofsergeant.Attheendofthespecializedtrainingheknewhehadlostthegamble.Nixonhadbeenelectedpresident,andinafewshortdayshe'dforgottenhispromisetoendthewar.Michaelalsorealizedthathisyearsofschoolingmeantnothingtotheinfantryanditsofficers.

WhenMichaeldied,Dr.Wright,thechemistryprofessorwhohadbecomehisclosefriend,wrotefromacollegeinLouisianatothechairofthehistorydepartmentatRockhurstCollege,tellinghowdeeplyhefelttheloss.Heincludedasubstantialcheckandarequestthatthedepartmentpurchasereferencebooksinhistoryandhavetheminscribed:"InmemoryofMikeMullen,killedinactioninVietnam,February18,1970,achemistrymajorwho,inthetrueliberalartstradition,wasveryfondofhistory."

Three:YourSonisDeadSaturdaymorning,February21,1970;abeautiful,crispdayinIowa.Alayeroffreshsnowcoveredtheeyesoresofwinteronthefarm.Ourhome,builtin1961andpaintedred-brown,stoodoutinstarkcontrast.Thedozensofevergreentrees,scatteredaroundthehomestead,addedtoitsbeauty.Iawokeearly,feelingstrangelyrefreshed.Icouldn'tunderstandmyserenity.Thetwopreviousdayshadbeenspentinutterturmoil.

MichaelhadbeeninVietnamalmostsixmonths,assignedtotheAmericalDivisionbasedatChuLai,ahamletlocatedinICorps.TheU.S.militarycommandhaddividedVietnamintofourcorpsforidentification.ICorpsborderedtheenemyterritoryonthenorth.Michaelhadspentallbutsixdaysincountry,"humping"through

thejungledayandnight.Humpingwasaslangtermusedbythefootsoldierwhowalkedonamission,carryingeverythingheneededonhisback.TheAmericalDivisionwasnotaneliteunit,soitrarelyhadhelicoptersavailable.

Michael'scommandingofficerscleartothetopcommander,GeneralCreightonAbrams,wereobsessedwiththeneedtoincrease''bodycount,"adesignationrepresentingthenumberofenemykilledonanymission.ItwasapolicyinstigatedbyGeneralWilliamWest-morelandwhenhewasincommandoftheVietnamtheater.Thestrategybecamethemajorcriteriontoevaluatetheperformanceofacommandingofficer,andittookitstollontheordinaryfootsoldier.

ThelasttimeI'dtalkedtomysonhadbeenbyshortwavefromVietnamaweekearlier.Thephonehadrunglateatnight.IpickedupthereceiverandwaselatedwhentheoperatoraskedifIwouldacceptacallfromMichael.HetoldmehehadcomedownfromhisfirebasetopickupanewlieutenantinChuLai.He'dhadtheopportunitytogetahaircutandmentionedthathehadgonetoheadquarterstowithdrawhissavingsandsendithome.Icalledhisbrothertothetelephone,andwhenJohnhandeditbacktomeIheard:"Mom,itissostickyhere,sobadhere.Good-bye."

OnThursdayIhadawakenedwithadreadfulforeboding,andasthedayworeonitbecameworse.Icouldn'tunderstandwhatwaswrong.I'dworkedatmysewingmachineallday,tryingtoovercomethefeelingthatthebottomwasdroppingoutofmyworld.IcriedincessantlyeachnewstitchofthedrapesIwasmakingwasbathedwithatear.

Fridayprovedtobeevengloomier.Mytearshadgivenwaytoanger.Iwasconfusedandviolentlyupset.Ifoughtwithmyhusbanduntilheleftforhisjob,workingsecondshiftattheJohnDeereTractorWorksinWaterloo.Shortlyafterhe'dleftthehouse,Idecidedtodriveto

CedarFallstovisitaclosefriend.MarywassomeonewithwhomIhadworkedtenyearsearlier.Webothhatedthewar,andshewasfacedwiththeworryofayoungsonapproachingdraftage.Ididn'ttellherwhyIhadcome.Theafternoonwasspentingoodconversationandmusic.Marywasanaccomplishedorganistwhoalwayswelcomedanaudience.

Arrivinghomebeforedark,Ilookedaroundthehouseandcompulsivelyputitinorder.Iscrubbed,dusted,ranthevacuum.The10P.M.newswasbad.Irememberdistinctlytheaccountofanaccidental

shellingbytheARVN(ArmyoftheRepublicofVietnam,anallyoftheUnitedStates)onBienHoa,withmanyAmericanskilledandwounded.Ididn'twaitupforGene.IfellasleepwiththestrangethoughtthatmyhousewasinorderandIwasreadyforwhatIdidnotknow.

NowitwasSaturdaymorning.AfterbreakfastGenewentouttothehoghousetospendthedayasafarmer.Helovedfarmingandeverydayregrettedthatitwasapart-timeoccupation.Iwenttothebasementhideawayoffthefamilyroomandsatdowntomysewingmachinetofinishthedraperies.ThiswasthespotwhereIfoundcontentmentinanydifficultsituation.Mytearsandangerhadvanished.

Suddenlythebackdoorcrashedopen,andIheardmyhusband'sanguishedcry.

''It'sMikey!It'sMikey!He'sdead!"

AtthatmomentIknewwhathadbeenwrongwithmyThursdayandFriday.IreachedforasmallbottlenearmytypewriterandswallowedaValium.MydearcountrydoctorhadinsistedthatIkeepthemnearmewhileMichaelwasinVietnam,"justincase."IremainedcalmasIwalkedupstairstofaceayoungmarinesergeantandourlocalpriest.

ThetwomenstoodbyanddidnothingasGeneventedhisrage,beatingthewalls,accusingthepriestofnotspeakingoutagainsttheevilsofthiswar.Hepickedupachair,andforamomentIthoughthewouldbreakthelargepicturewindowthatoverlookedhistreasuredacres.Instead,hewiltedingrief.Hesatatthekitchentable,hisshouldersheavingwithsobs,hiswhiteheadcradledinhisfoldedarms.

IturnedtothesergeantI'llneverforgethiseyes.WastheagonyreflectedinthemforGeneandme,orwasittheculminationofhaving

deliveredonetoomanydeathmessages?Iaskedtoseethetelegraminhishand.Iread:"GeneralWingateregretstoinformyouthatMichaelMullindiedasaresultoffriendlyfireat2:30A.M.February18,1970,nearTamKyCity,Vietnam."Mullenhadbeenmisspelled.Thiswasthefirstofmanyinsultsweexperiencedinthecomingdays.

"GoodGod,youdidn'tevenallowhimthedecencyofdyingatthehandsoftheenemy,"Isaid.Ourson'slifehadbeentakenfornoreasoninawarwithoutdefinition.

IrememberedMichael'stelephonecallinSeptemberof1968from

draftheadquartersinDesMoines.WhilewaitingforthefogtoliftbeforeflyingontoFortPolk,he'dspenttwodaysintheofficeworkingonfiles.Therehe'dreadwithamazementhoweasilyhecouldhaveevadedthedraft.

"Mom,don'tstopfightingthiswar,"he'dsaid."YouknowIdon'tneedtobehere.Ididn'tneedtobedrafted."

LivingonafarminaconservativecommunityintheheartlandofAmerica,wewerealmostcompletelyuntouchedbytheantiwarmovementalongtheEastandWestcoasts.MyactivitiesagainstthewarconsistedmostlyoffloodingCongressandtheWhiteHousewithpleastoendthewar.IwasactiveintheDemocraticPartyatthecountyandstatelevels,followingcampaignsofthosewhoexpressedtheirdislikeoftheVietnamWar.Wehadheatedargumentsduringthe1968campaign;thechildrenandIwereforSenatorEugeneMcCarthyGenefavoredSenatorHubertHumphrey.WedespairedattheelectionofNixon.

Iaskedthesergeanttoexplainthephrase"friendlyfire"andwhytheword"accidental"wasnotinthemessage.

"Becauseitwasnotaccidental,"hesaid.HetalkedabouttheshellingofBienHoaandhowheassumedMichaelhadbeenkilledthere.Iimmediatelyknewhehadnoinformation(onlywhathe,too,hadheardonthenews)andwouldbeunabletotellmeanything.

WhenIinformedhimthatMichaelhadbeenstationedfivehundredmilesnorthofBienHoa,hebegantotalkaboutotherunitsthathadbeenhitthatnightbyARVNtroops.Fivemonthslater,afterwedemandedaninvestigationofMichael'sdeath,thesergeant,whenquestionedbytheDefenseDepartment,deniedthathehaddiscussedanyotherfriendlyfires.

IaskedthesergeanthowmuchtimeIhadbeforethenewsof

Michael'sdeathwouldbereleasedtothemedia."Twohours,"hesaid,"nomorethantwohours."

Itwasmyturntorage.InangerIdemandedhegivemeatleastsixhours.Iexplainedthatwehadonedaughterincollegeout-of-stateandanotherattheUniversityofIowa,andthatIwouldnotallowthemtohearitfirstontelevisionorradio.

"I'msorry,"hesaidwithdetachment,"butmyordersfromtheDefenseDepartmentallowmeonlytwohours."

AsIapproachedthetelephone,hestoppedme."Whatareyougoingtodo?"

"I'mgoingtocallSenatorHaroldHughesinWashington.Hecanarrangetodelaythisannouncement."

Thesergeantrelentedandsaidhewouldseewhathecoulddo.TheDefenseDepartmentdiddelaythemessagetheydelayeditsolong,infact,thatitbecamenecessaryforustocontactthelocalnewsmediaourselvesthirty-sixhourslater.

Thepriestdiscussedfuneralarrangements.Imadetwoimportantrequests:awhitefuneral,whichhadbecomecommon,andvocalmusic.WeexpectedJohn'sseniorclassofonehundredfromDonBoscoHighSchooltoattend.Fathercalledseveraldayslatertotellmethathehadtohavespecialpermissionforawhitefuneralandthathewasnotgoingtomaketherequest;hedidn'tapproveofmusicatafuneral;andtherewouldn'tberoomtoseatJohn'sclass.Wedidn'tfeelourrequestswereoutofline,butwerealizedhewasincharge.WefelttheanimositywastheresultofrefusingamilitaryfuneralFatherwasatwenty-yearmilitaryretiree.

Asthetwomenleftthehouseandgotintothemilitaryvehicle,oursonJohncameoutofthebarn.Hetoldmelaterthatwhenhesawthecarhe'dwonderedifhewasinsomesortoftroublewiththedraftboard.Hehadregisteredthepreviousweekafterturningeighteen.

Heopenedthebackdoorandwalkedintothelanding.Istoodatthetopofthestairsandcalmlysaid,"John,it'sMichael.He'sgone.He'sdead."

Thishulkofayoungman,whowasjustundersixfeettallandweighedmorethantwohundredpounds,slowlycollapsedtothefloor.Istoodfrozenashegottohisfeetandwenttohisbedroom,closingthedoorbehindhim.

Mymindraced.WhatdoIdonow?WhommustInotify?HowwasIgoingtoreachourdaughtersandbringthemhome?Ilookedatmy

husband,stillsobbingwithhisheadinhisarms,andrealizedthathecouldn'thelpme.

Iwentbacktomybasementroom,tookoutmybookoftelephonenumbers,andstarteddialing.IcalledmysisterLouiseinDesMoinesandaskedhertosendMike,herson-in-law,toKansasCitytopickupMary,ournineteen-year-old,atcollege.Iphonedherschool,RockhurstCollege,andtalkedtothebusinessmanager,whomIknewbecauseMichaelhadattendedthesameschool,andaskedhimtoprepareMaryfortheridehome.Maryspentthose

heartbreakinghourswaitingforherridetoarriveconsolingthegentlemanwhobroughtherthesadnews.

IcalledLeona,aclosefriendinLaPorteCity,andaskedhertodrivetoIowaCitytotellourotherdaughter,Patricia,andbringherhome.Whenshereachedherroominghouse,shelearnedPatriciawasinDubuquefortheweekend,soshedroveanothertwohourstopickherup.Patriciareactedinmuchthesamemannerasherfatherhad.Shewasoutofcontrolforalongtime,beatingthewallsandscreaming,whilehercollegefriendsstoodby.

NextIcalledmyyoungestbrother,Howard,anengineerwithAlcoainPittsburgh.Hehadalwaysbeenclosetoourfamily.ThissensitivemanhadbeenaWorldWarIIradiooperatoronaB-29andhadneverforgottenhiswarexperiences.ReturningfromabombingrunonnorthernJapan,hehadflownoverthedevastationofHiroshimamerehoursafteritsannihilation.WhenItoldHowardthenewshesaidnothingjusthungupwithamoan.Becausehelivedalone,IcalledhimthreetimesthatdayuntilIwassatisfiedhewasincontrol.

ToreachmyolderbrotherinLakeCity,Iowa,IcalledhisbankandwastoldhewasattheairportinOmaha.HehadjustputhiswifeonaplanetoflytoSpokane,wheretheirdaughterwasexpectingherthirdchild.Notlongafter,Billreturnedmycallandsaidhewoulddrivetoourfarmimmediately.

Myyoungestsister,IsobelStrathman,livedwithherfamilyinPocahontas,Iowa.She,too,hadadistressfuldayonThursdayandhadfoundsolaceinchurch,prayingtherosary.ItwasshewhohadaccompaniedmetothehospitalthemorningMichaelwasbornandhadhelpedcareforhimthefirstsixmonthsofhislife.Shesaidtheywouldcomethatafternoon.

IaskedFatherRobertHirsch,superintendentofDonBoscoHigh

School,todriveashortdistancetoDewar,Iowa,togivethesadnewstoaneighty-year-oldcouple.ThesepeoplehadbeenfriendsofGene'sfamilyforfiftyyears,andMichaelhadplayedtheroleofagrandsonintheirlives.

ImadeonefinalcalltofriendsinLaPorteCity.TheyoungestoftheirfoursonshadbeenkilledrecentlyinVietnam.Onlyafewshortmonthsbefore,Ihadtriedtoconsolethemotherwhentheyreceivedthedeathmessage.ShehadturnedonmeinangerwhenItoldher,"Yoursondiedforhiscountry."Later,Iapologizedtothemfor

reopeningwounds.Theysaidwithmuffledvoices,"Nowsomeoneinthiscommunityknowshowwehurt."

WhileIwasmakingmycalls,GenehadgottenupfromthetabletoconsoleJohn.Hefoundhimlyingflatonhisbed;helookedupathisfatherandsaid,"Dad,Mikehasitmade,it'salloverforhimhe'sinheaven."AtthistimeGeneremovedalockedfishingtackleboxfromtheclosetshelf.ThelastnightathomeMichaelhadtoldhisfatheraboutitandaskedhimnottoopenit.Genebrokethelock,tofindalonglistofnamesandaddresses:"Theimportantpeopleinmylife."Pallbearerswerechosenfromthislist.

Asecondnoteconcernedhisarmylifeinsurance,a$10,000policy.Heleft$2,500tohisfather,$2,500tome,$2,500toastudentinhisclasswhenhetaughtingraduateschoolaspecialrequesttoenabletheyoungwomantoattendmedicalschoolandtheremaining$2,500toDonBoscoHighSchooltobespentonthepurchaseoflabequipmentforthechemistrydepartment.Michael'sentirelifehadbeenorganized,eventotheend.GeneandIweresaddenedaswespeculatedonourson'sstateofmindwhenhewrotethesefinalnotesbeforeleavinghome.

OnlywhenIhadfinishednotifyingthepeopleclosesttoourfamilydidIsurrendertoarushoffeelingsthecrumblingofcastles,theverydestructionofourhopes,thelossofourbrillianttwenty-five-year-oldson.

Ateighteen,hisgoalhadbeentofindnewfoodstowipeoutstarvationthroughouttheworld.Whilehomeforaweekendduringhiscollegedays,hestoodatoureastliving-roomwindowoverlookingacornfieldandremarked,"Mom,bytheyear2000starvationintheworldwillbesowidespreadwewon'tbeabletouseourcornandbeanstofattenlivestock."WhileinVietnam,hehadmadeplanstoreturntotheUniversityofMissouriatColumbiatocompletehis

studiesforadoctorateinbiochemistry.Noticeofhisacceptancetotheuniversityhadreachedhimoneweekbeforehisdeath.

Hehadnodesiretokillanything.Hislifeanddreamswerenowgone,theresultofonefatalmistakebyhisownartilleryduringamilitaryactioninaconflictthatnooneinpowerknewhowtobringtoanend.

Four:TheHomecomingDuringournine-daywaitforMichael'sbody,ImadetelephonecallstothePentagon.Iwasoftentreatedwithinsensitivitybymilitarypersonnelandsoonbecameirritatedovertheirconsistentfailuretomakegoodonpromises.NowthatI'vehadmorethantwentyyearstoreflectonthatweek'sevents,IrealizethatmanyofthedemandsImaderepresentedfirstsformenwhoseemedunabletomakeindependentdecisionsorthinkontheirfeet.Itwasobviouslynotpartoftheirtraining.

Weweretoldbyourserviceofficer,CaptainMcDougal,thatthebodywouldbeescortedhomebyamilitarymanofourchoosingandthathewouldreturnthenextdaytopickupthenameoftheperson

weselected.ReferringtoMichael'slistoffriends,wegavehimthenameofTomHurley,stationedatBienHoa.He'dbeeninMichael'schemistryclassatRockhurst.TheDefenseDepartmentignoredourselectionandwiredusthenameofatotalstrangerservingonaburialdetailintheStates.

WedidnotacceptthePentagon'schoiceandrepeatedouroriginalrequesttoCaptainMcDougal.ItwasgrantedonlybecauseitwasdemandedbyIowaSenatorHaroldHughes,apowerfulmemberoftheSenateArmedServicesCommittee.Later,throughcorrespondencefromfamilieswholostsons,welearnedthatrarelydidtheyhaveanescortoftheirchoice.Manyfamiliesconsideredtheofferofspecialescortsasjustanothermilitarytactic,asalvetosoothetheawfulhurtwhendeliveringthedeathmessage.

UnitedFlight201approachedtheWaterlooairportandtouchedgroundabout7:00P.M.,March1,1970.Afterdischargingpassengersandluggageatthemaingate,ittaxiedslowlytoadarkenedcorneroftheairport.ThealuminumcasketcontainingMichael'sremainswascarefullyremovedandtransferredtotheawaitinghearse.GeneandMarystoodnearby,tearfullywatching,accompaniedbyTomHurley'sfatherandmother,whohaddrivenupfromMissouritospendthefewhourswiththeirson.ThecasketwastakendirectlytothefuneralhomeinWaterlooforthenight,whereitwasopenedbytheundertaker.GeneandMaryviewedthebodyandconfirmedthatitwasMichael's.Hedidn'tappeartohaveamarkonhim.I'dsecretlyhopedhisbodywouldshowsomedamage,atestamentthathe'ddiedinwar.Itwouldhavebeeneasiertopartwitharavagedbodythangiveupasonwhoappearedtobeasleep.

ThedecisiontobringMichaelhometothefarmthenextdaywasspontaneous,amanifestationofourIrishheritage.Wewantedhimwithus,notabandonedinamortuary.Isataloneonthedavenportall

night,neitherprayingnorthinking,wrappedinnumbness.Iwantedtoprolongmylasthourswithmyson,restingnearby.Fromtimetotime,JohnStaggs,hisclosestcollegefriend,wouldappearwithacupofcoffee,givemeahug,andthenretreattothekitchen.SometimeduringthenightPatriciadroppedasealedenvelopeintothecasket.GenecameintosnipalockofMichael'shair.

Morningcamelikeanyothermorningonthefarm,exceptfortheneighbors.Thewomencametopreparebreakfast,mentohandlethe

Michael'shighschoolgraduationphoto.

chores.Familymembersdressedforthefuneral.Theundertakerfussedaroundthecasket,arrangingthemassofflowers,makingroomforthekneelingbenchforourpastor'sconvenience.

Finally,itwasnearingtimeforthelastprayerandblessingbeforesealingthecasket.Aswegatheredinthelivingroom,Isuddenlynoticedthatourpriestwasnotthere.ItwashardenoughbeingaCatholicfamilyinaProtestantcommunity.Nowwehadtoendureanaffront.

TheproblemswithourpriesthadbeenendlesssincethedayhecamewiththemilitaryofficertotellusofMichael'sdeath.HevisitedusonlyonceduringtheninedaysofwaitinghefailedtoinvitetwoformerparishpriestswhowereclosetoMichaeltothefuneral.

ArubbingofMichael'snamefromtheVietnamVeteransMemorialinWashington,D.C.

TheDonBoscoteachingstaffwasignoredourrequestsformusicandawhitefuneralweredenied.Wewerenotsurprisedthathedidn'tcomeforthefinalprayers.

PaulHochstetter,whohadsoldusKnightsofColumbusinsuranceforourchildren,eventuallycameintothelivingroomandwhisperedtomethathewasadeaconinthechurch.Paulsaidtheprayers.

WiththehelpoffacultyfriendsfromDonBosco,John'sclasscametotheserviceatthechurch,andtheschoolchoirsangloudandclear.Ourpastoracceptedaninvitationtodinewithusaftertheservice,butnoneofuseversawhimagain.Thecasketwasadornedwiththeflag,onlybecauseMichael'sfatherinsistedIwasreadytoburnit.Thechurchwaspackedtooverflowing.

MichaelwasburiedintheMullenfamilyplotinacountrychurchyardatEagleCenter,Iowa.Tosavespacehewasinterredontopofthegravesiteofoursecondson,Daniel,bornonMay22,1947,whodiedonMay24.TheboysarethefifthgenerationofMullenstobeburiedthere.

TheGoldStarscustomarilyawardedtofamiliesoffallensoldierswereneverpresentedtous.GenemighthaverefusedthemanywayIdidn'task,andhedidn'tdiscussit.ThePentagonofficialswithwhomIdealtmusthavebeenaskingeachother,"Whyisn'tthiswomanbehavinglikeagrievingmother'ssupposedto?"

TheyoungsoldierwhoescortedMichael'sbodytoourhomehadbeeninVietnamonlyashorttime.Afteraccompanyinghisfriend'sflag-

drapedcaskettoitsfinalrestingplace,Tomhadtoreturntothecarnage.Aswesaidourthanksandgood-byes,heputhisarmsaroundme."Please,Mrs.Mullen,"hesaid,"don'tgiveup.Protestthiswar."

AnumberofourProtestantfriendssentcashmemorialstousafterMichael'sfuneral.Insearchingforanappropriatememorial,wedecidedonascholarshipinourparishfortwostudentstoattendtheruralCatholichighschoolwhereourchildrenhadgone.Beforefinalizingthisdecision,wediscussedourplanwiththegenerous

donors.However,Fatherdidn'tacknowledgeourrequest,andthescholarshipswerenothonored.

AtonepointduringmywaitforMichael'sbody,IhadaskedCaptainMcDougalifIcouldhavethenamesoffamilieswholostsonsinthesamefriendlyfireincidentthatkilledmyboy.Weweretoldthatsuchinformationwasconsideredclassifiedandwouldnotbeavailabletous.Almostfourmonthslater,however,aletterfromaWestVirginiamotherreachedourruralmailbox.Shehadheardfromthearmythatwehadwantedhertocontactus,sincehersondiedinthesameincident.''Weknownowhoweveryonefeelswhohadasonkilledoverthere,"shewrote."Itjustisn'thomehereanymore."Eventhoughshehadsevenotherchildren,shetoldofhowlonesomeshefeltafterthedeathofherson."Idon'tknowwhattowritesinceIneverwrotetoyoubefore,''sheconcluded,"butIhopewecanbegoodfriendsasoursonandyoursonwas."

Thisletterledtoafriendshipthroughthemail,andtwoyearslaterwhilevacationingintheEastwepaidavisittothefamily.TheroadtotheirfarmwasnarrowandwoundthroughtheAppalachians.Ournewfriendswereinthebarnmilkingcowswhenwedroveup,anditwasseveralminutesbeforetheyventuredoutside.Theyapproachedourcarhesitantlyafterall,wewerestrangersfromanotherworld.

Westayedfortwodays,soakingupthequiet.AcalmnesssettledoverusforthefirsttimesinceMichaeldied.Wesatontheporchswingoftheirweather-beatenhome,gettingacquaintedandlisteningtothesoundsofthemountains.Lulumissedhersonthey'dspentmanyhappydaystrampingupanddownthemountainshuntingdeer.Shetoldofgoingoutalonenowthathewasgoneandhowmuchithelpedherbearthegrief.

Oneafternoonourhostsaskedifwewouldaccompanythemtotheirson'sgrave.Wetraveledashortdistanceupthemountaintoawell-

keptcemetery.Thegravewascoveredwithflowers,anditwasobviousthemotherwasaregularvisitor.AswelookedaroundshepointedoutthreemoreVietnamsoldiers'graves,andIwasremindedagainofwhowasdoingallthefightinganddyingovertheretheboysfromthemountains,theghettos,andthefarms.

GeneandIreturnedtoWestVirginiainAugust1974.Werelaxed,atetoomuch,andlaughed.Weleftthetopofthemountainwithhugsforeveryone.AsweheadedsouthtoWheeling,WestVirginia,

weturnedonthecarradio.Againstthepeaceofthissetting,wesuddenlyheardRichardNixon'sfarewelladdress.Hewasannouncinghisresignationaspresident.

GeneandIdidn'tutteraword.Ourhealingtwo-dayvacationendedabruptlyasmymindrecalledthe30,000menwhoseliveshadbeensnuffedoutduringNixon'stenure.Thepoliticianwhohadcampaignedin1968tobringtheboyshomewasleavingindisgraceaftersixyears.Ibitterlyrememberedhisboastfulstatementswhenhereferredtohissupportbythe"silentmajority."IthoughtofaJanuary1969articleonthebackpageoftheDesMoinesRegisterwhichquotedSecretaryofStateHenryKissinger:"Mr.President,don'tworryabouttheVietnamWarputitonthebackburnerandI'lltakecareofit."

InthedaysimmediatelyfollowingMichael'sfuneral,Ifoundmyselfconsumedwithanewpurpose.IdesperatelyneededavehiclethroughwhichIcouldworkoutmygrief,soIdecidedtohelpbringanendtotheVietnamWar.ItneveroccurredtomethatanIowafarmwifecouldn'taccomplishwhathadeludedthreepresidents.

Ofcourse,thenewsmediawereavailable,alwaysonthelookoutforsomeonetospeakout.Theyfoundinmeawillingsubject,andImadethemostofmyopportunitiestobeheard.Awar-wearyAmericanpublicwasnowinthemoodtolisten,andastheletterspouredin,Idiscoveredanetworkofactiviststhatstretchedacrossthecountry.

EvenifwehadwantedtoclosethefileonMichael'sdeath,itwouldhavebeenimpossibletodoso.

Five:ASilentMessageSeveralweeksafterMichael'sdeathwereceivedafinancialpaymentforhishavinggivenhislifeintheserviceofhiscountry.Thecheckrepresentedsixmonths'gratuitypayintheamountof$1844.40.Itlayuncashedonourkitchentableforawhile.AtleastonceadayeitherGeneorIwouldsay,"What'llwedowiththedamnthing?"

GenewasstillworkingsecondshiftatJohnDeereandgothomeaftermidnight.Ialwayswaitedupforhimtoshareanhourofintenseconversationovercoffeeandasnack.I'mnotsurewhoseideaitwastospendthecheckonanantiwaradintheDesMoinesRegister,butthedecisionwasreachedearlyonemorninginMarchof1970.

Later,IcalledtheRegisterandaskedfortheadvertisingmanager.Idescribedwhatwewantedtodoandaskedhowmuchspacewecouldhavefor$1844.40.Hegavemehalfapageinaprimelocation,thebottomhalfofpagethreeinthefirstsectionoftheSundayedition.

Thenexteveningwhilediscussingconceptsforthead,GenecameupwiththeideaofdisplayingablackcrossforeachIowaboywhohaddiedinVietnam.Torepresentallthevictimsproperly,weneededtoascertainwhetheranyofthemhadbeenJewish.IcalledafriendonthestaffoftheRegisterandaskedhimtoresearchthisdilemmaandgetustheactualcountofthedead.Hediscoveredthat114moremenfromIowahadlosttheirlivesinVietnamthanhadbeenincludedintheweeklytotalsreleasedbythePentagon.IthadlongbeenrumoredthatthedeathcountwasbeingdeliberatelyjuggledtoconformtoPresidentNixon'sdemandthatnomorethanonehundredU.S.casualtiesbereportedeachweek.

Withthetruecount,Isatdowntoseveralhoursofwriting,tossingpaperafterpaperintothewastebasketanddrinkingcoffee.BythetimeGenedroveinfromworkthatnightIhadputouradtogether:

ASILENTmessagetofathersandmothersofIowa:Wehavebeendyingfornine,long,miserableyearsinVietnaminanundeclaredwar...howmanymorelivesdoyouwishtosacrificebecauseofyourSILENCE?Sgt.MichaelE.Mullenkilledbyfriendlyfire.

Andnext,weplacedafieldofstarkblackcrossesfollowedbyanothershortmessage:

These714crossesrepresentthe714IowanswhohavediedinVietnamInmemoriamtoVietnamWarDeadwhomoursonjoinedonFebruary18,1970...andtothoseawaitingtheacceptablesacrificein1970...

SponsoredbyMr.andMrs.GeneMullen,LaPorteCity,Iowa

OurmessageappearedintheDesMoinesSundayRegisteronApril12,1970.Theresponsewasoverwhelming.WewerecontactedthatdaybypracticallyeverymajornewspaperintheUnitedStatesandbyseveraltelevisionnetworks.Manyofthecallerswantedtoknowwhatadvertisingagencyhadpreparedthead.TheyfoundithardtobelievethatithadbeentheworkofanIowafarmcouple.We

OurSilentMessage,whichappearedasahalf-pageadintheDesMoinesRegisteronSunday,April12,1970.ThenewspaperinadvertentlyusedthewrongdeathdateinsteadoftheactualdateofFebruary18.Onehundredand

thirty-eightIowansdiedinVietnamafterthisadappeared.

hadhopedtoappealtothe"silentmajority,"specificallytofathersandmothers,pleadingforthemtojoinusinourcrusadeforpeace.Theyheardus,loudandclear.Lettersfilledourmailbox,somedaysinbundles.

"DearMr.andMrs.Mullen,"wroteJamesHearstofCedarFalls,Iowa,aforemostpoetintheMidwestandareveredteacherattheUniversityofNorthernIowa:

YoursilentmessageintheSundayissueoftheDesMoinesRegistermadeadeepimpressiononme.Itsgraphicexpressiongaveakindofdramaticreleasetothefrustrationandsenseofinjusticewefindalmostunbearable.Thankyouforyourcourageousaction.Ishallputthe"message"onmybulletinboardformystudentstosee.

Afatherwrotethathissonhadbeendraftedoutofgraduateschool:

Ifwecontinueourpresentpolicyofinterventioninallforeignconflicts...thenineachgeneration,everymother'ssonmust

facethepossibilityofdeathonthebattlefieldinwarswhicharetotallyunrelatedtoourowndefense...

Yourmessageisveryforcefullyconveyedtothoseofuswhohavebeensilent.

Respectfullyyours,Oneofthesilentmajority

"Iwanttothankyouinthenameofallparents,"wroteamanfromDesMoines:

Asthefatheroffoursonsthatwillbecaughtinthegristmillofthisuselessgenocide,andasamanthatservedinbothWWIIandthepoliceactioninKorea,restassuredthatIwilljoinyouinthevocalprotestbyeverymeansthatIcancommand.Ihavetakencopiesofyouradandplacedtheminthecarwindows,atmyplaceofbusinessandathome.

"WehaveasonwhohasbeenservinginVietnamsincethefirstofJanuary,"wroteparentsfromHillsboro,Iowa."Wehopeandprayeachdaythatwedon'treceiveamessagesuchasyoudid.Wewon'tremainsilentanylonger.Pleaseincludeusinyourplans.Youhaveatleastmadesomesortofstart."

AcouplefromClearLake,Iowa,wrote:

DearMrs.Mullen:

OursonwasluckytocomehomeinFebruary.Hetoldusthesamethingsyoursonwrotetoyou.Wehavefeltthesamewayaboutthiswarforalongtime...andwouldbewillingtohelpyouinanycampaignyouthinkwouldfocusattentiononthewar.Itisbeingpushedmoreandmoreintothebackgroundandthepublicisbecomingaccustomedtoit.Onlytheoneswhohaveboysthereorhavebeenthereseemtobeinterested.

Oursonwaspulledoutinatroopwithdrawalafterbeingthere8mo.Hehasoneyearleftintheserviceandnowhehasbeenassignedtogobackfor8moremonths.Hedidnotvolunteer!Thisourgovernmentdon'ttell!...

Wearehopingtheyoungpeopletaketothestreetsagainthisnext"Peace"dayApril15Thatseemstobetheonlywaytheygetanyattention....

FromIllinoisinAprilof1970amotherwrote:

DearMrs.Mullen:

WordscannotexpressthesympathyIhaveinmyheartforyouandyourhusbandoverthelossofyourson.

IhavebeenopposedtotheVietnamwarandthedraftforsolong.I,too,joinedtheSilentMajoritywhenourpresidentsorequested,togivehimachancetofindasolution.ButIfeelwehavebeensilentlongenough.It'stimethemothersunite.

AmotherwhohadlostasoninVietnamwrote:

DearMr.andMrs.Mullen:

IwishtocommendyouonyouractionofplacinganadinanIowanewspaperyesterday.Ifeelitwasacourageous,amoral,apatrioticthingtodo.

MysonwaskilledinVietnamNov.24.Thirty-ninemoreAmericanboyswerekilledyesterday.Whatcanwedo?ThiscountryhaselectedtwopresidentsbythedemocraticprocessbecausetheypromisedtoendorgetusoutofthewarinVietnam.Weshouldneverhavegottenintoit.AndyetthiscountryisstilldraftingandstillkillingyoungAmericansthere.

Itisnotnecessaryformetosaythatthetragic,senselessdeathofafinepromisingyoungsonleavesscarsthatcanneverbeerased.

OnemothercalledonSundayafterreadingourmessageinthepaperandfollowedupwithaletter.ShehadlostasoninVietnam:

PeopletellmeyouhavewonderfulmemoriesandthisIrealize,buttheonetragedysurelyovershadowsallthosememories,andIkeepwonderingwhythegoodboyspaysuchadearprice....

SinceoursonwaskilledIawakenatabout2:45everymorningandoh,Mrs.Mullen,howIache.Onlysomeonelikeyoucanunderstand.SympathyissomethingIdon'twant,butwouldn'titbenicetohaveunderstanding.

Weheardfromonecouplewhosesonhaddiedin1944duringWorldWarII.Inofferingtheircondolences,theysaidthat"thesorrowandlossremainforaneternity."

InApril1970amotherinIowawrotethatshewouldbesendingcopiesofouradtothepresidentandtoherrepresentativesinCongress.Twoofthecrossesinourmessagerepresentedthelostlivesoftwosheknewwell,shesaid.Oneofthoseboysplannedtoreturnandmarryherdaughter.

"MyhusbandwrotesuchstrongletterstoourcongressmanthatsometimesIexpectedtheymightsendinvestigatorstoseeus,"wrotethemotherofMichael'sroommatehissenioryearatRockhurst.HersonhadbeentoVietnamandback.

"I'menclosingthe$200.00Ipromised,"aDr.Longwrote."Howeveronthebasisofhavinglivedinthisoldworldfor60years,spendingmostofthattimeattemptingtofigureouthowthingshappen,andwhyweactaswedo,Isubmitthefollowingobservationsforwhatevertheymaybeworth."Hewroteanentirepageonhowtogoaboutapeacecampaign,howtohandlethepress,andhowtouseavailablehelpsotheloadwouldn'toverwhelm.Heconcluded:

Ihaveobservedthatanyinvestigationofthewarappearstodiebythewaysideoriswhite-washed.Ispeculatethatpressureisappliedsomehow.Itwillbeinterestingtoseeifthispressureisappliedtoyou.

Ononeoccasiontherewasadramaticchangeofheart.TheMondayfollowingSunday'spublication,IturnedonPaulHarvey'snoonradioshow,whichairedfromWGNinChicago.IntheChicagoareaitalsoappearedonlocalTV.TheSilentMessageadwasthebackdroponhisprogramthatday,andheannouncedthatthemessagehaddoneittohim.Nolongerwouldhebea"hawk"ontheVietnamWar.

Then,therewerefamiliestormentedbeyondendurance.Theirsonsandbrothersweregonethat'salltheyknew:"Wehavelivedinalimboofanguishforthreeandone-halfyearsinourhomewaitingtohearifoursonisaliveordead.Iknowhowyourhearthurts."

WhenmothersofPOWswrote,Ifounditdifficulttorespondbuttriedtopersuadethemtojoinallofuswhoweredesperatelytryingtobringtheconflicttoanend.Onlythenwouldtheirsonscomehome.

Beforelong,Ifoundmyselfdespisingeveryoneinmilitaryuniform.Lettersfromofficersinthefield,chaplains,andmeninthePentagonallincensedme.Icouldn'tunderstandhoweducatedmen,particularlymenofGod,couldparticipateinawarwithouta

purpose.Manyoftheirlettersduplicatedeachother.Phraseswererote;datesandsignatureswererubber-stamped.

Soonreallettersbegantoarriveletterswrittenfromtheheart,filledwithcompassionandlove.Butmostofalltheyspokethetruth.Theseletterscamefromthegrunts,themenwhohadfoughtthewarenlistedmen,draftees,andfriendsandacquaintancesofMichael'sinVietnam.WhenIsuggestedtotheeditoroftheRegisterthatMichael'slettershomewouldmakegoodreading,hewasexcitedtogetthematerial,andheprintedtheminfullonSunday,March29,1970.Atthatmoment,ithadn'toccurredtomethattheywouldreachMichael'splatooninVietnam.Theirlettersechoedthesentimentshevoicedwhenwritingtous.Theyweresurprisedtodiscoverthattheir"straight"sergeantwaswritingthetruthaboutthewar.

TheirletterscontaineddifferentversionsoftheaccidentthatkilledMichael.SomeofthemenacceptedtheirCO'scontentionthattheartilleryhadbeendrinking.Othersbelievedthegunwasfaulty.Many,however,didn'tbelieveanythingtheyweretold.

Whenthefirstmanfromtheunitwhoreturnedstatesidepaidusavisit,welearnedthatsixtyGIshadsignedalettertousinwhichthey'daskedforhelpandcomplainedaboutconditionswiththe198th,thenunderthecommandofColonelNormanSchwarzkopf.Theletterhadbeenintercepted,andthesoldierswerethreatenedwithcourt-martialiftheycontinuedtocorrespondwiththeMullens.Somehow,we'dbecometheenemy.

Oneyoungsoldier,M.L.C.,defiedthethreatandcontinuedtocorrespondinhopesofbeingpulledoutofcombat.ItpaidoffhespentthefinalmonthsofhistourincomparativesafetyasaclerkintheAmericalheadquartersinChuLai.There,helearnedfirsthandaboutbodycountandothermeansemployedbyofficerstoassureadvancementfollowingtheirsix-monthtour.

Beforehetransferredoutofthefield,hewroteusthiswarning:

DearMrs.Mullen:

Todaywe'reinformedofrightsinthearmy.Ifanypeoplewritetoyou,theirfutureisinjeopardyifyoupublishanyofthemail.Fortheycanbecourt-martialedformutinyandunderminingthearmy.Don'tpublishanyarticlesbecauseitcouldbringharmtopeopleandtheirfuture.Ifthereareanyquestionsyouwant

answeredhavethecongressmanwriteandaskthem.Hecanregisterthemandnoonecanbeprosecuted.Thepeopleherewouldlikeacopyofanylettersentyoufromhere.

Anythingsenttoyoucanbecensoredasweareinawarzone.Sopleasehaveyourcongressmanaskthequestions.

Sincerely,M.L.C.

Thisletterhadbeenopenedandwordsblackedout.ItwastheonlyonefromVietnamthathadbeencensored,althoughmailcontinuedtoreachusfromalloverthewarzone.

GeneandIbecamemoreandmoreinterestedinlocatingColonelSchwarzkopf.WewantedtohearhisversionofwhathappenedthenightMichaelwaskilled.Eventually,welearnedthatthecolonelwasintheD.C.area,soduringatriptothecapitalinlatesummerof1971,wevisitedhimatWalterReedArmyHospital.Wefoundhimconfinedtoahospitalbedinafullbodycast,aftersurgeryforaspinalinjury.WhenIaskedifhishospitalizationwasconnectedtohisserviceinthewar,hesmiledandreplied,"Hell,no!ThiswastheresultofanoldfootballinjurywhileplayingtoomanyyearsoffootballatWestPoint."NineteenyearslaterwereadintheSeptember10,1990,issueofNewsweekastoryofthemedalsSchwarzkopfearnedfor"woundsreceivedinVietnam(notincludingthespinalsurgeryheneededtorepairthedamagedonebyparachuting)."

GeneandthecoloneltalkedatlengthaboutthenightMichaelwaskilled.Schwarzkopfdescribedhowangryhe'dbeenwhenhelearnedoftheaccidentandnoticedapileofemptybeercansneartheguns.ThecoloneltoldGenehe'dwantedtokilltheartilleryCO;headdedthathismenwerenotallowedtodrinkbeerwhileonamission.(DeclassifiedmaterialthatIlaterreceivedfromtheinvestigationoftheincidentstatedthatthebeercanswerenotrelevanttotheissue.)

Afterweleftthehospital,IwenttoapublicpaytelephoneanddialedColonelPogoloff,theformerartilleryCO,athishome.ItoldhimwhoIwasandaccusedhimofallowinghismentodrinkbeeronduty.ColonelPogoloffbecamehostile:"DidSchwarzkopftellyouthat?Well,I'lltakecareofNormoneofthesedays."

Wecontinuedtohearstoriesofthe198th,andIrememberonethatnoneofthemeninCharlieCompanyforgot.Theyweretohave

astand-down,athree-dayrestatbaseheadquarters,inJanuary1970.WhentheyarrivedbackatChuLai,theyfoundtheirbeerlockedupuntiltwoo'clockintheafternoon.They'dsentmoneybacktothebasetobesureitwouldbeicedandwaitingforthem.Expectingtorelax,theywereorderedinsteadtopolicethebaseandcleanuplitterscatteredbytheregulararmystationedthere.Thisabusepoureduponmenwhohadcomeintobaseaftersixtydaysoftrampingthroughthemuckofthejungle.Totopitoff,theGislaterhadtositonbleachersinthehotsunwhilethecommandingofficerlecturedthemontheartofjunglewarfare.Thesemenhadlivedjunglewarfaretwenty-fourhoursadayforthepasttwomonths.Iftheyneededalecture,itshould'veaddressedhowtosurviveatourofdutywiththeAmericalDivision.

WhenIheardabouttheharassmentenduredbyCharlieCompany,Iwantedanexplanationfromthebattalioncommander.IwrotetoSchwarzkopfinmidAprilandsoonreceivedhisresponse.Hisletternotedthatmostofthetimestand-downswereusedtoprovidesoldiersanopportunitytorelax.Trainingactivitiesduringstand-downs,however,werealsonecessaryinordertomaintainthesoldiers'skills.Becauseofthehighrateofturnoverduetotheone-yeartourofdutyinVietnam,hisletterstated,thesetrainingactivitieswereespeciallyimportant.Theletterwassigned,''Sincerely,H.NormanSchwarzkoff.''

Inoticedthathedidn'tmentionturnoverduetodeathandinjury.Atthetime,Ibelievedthecolonelhadactuallywrittenandsignedtheletterhimself.NowIamamusedtonotethathisnamewasmisspelled.Afterreadingit,Iunderstoodmyson'sfrustrationandangerIonlywonderedwhytheman'sentireunithadn'trebelled.

YearslaterwegotaphonecallfromamanwhoidentifiedhimselfasformerCaptainRobertDuguid,thechaplainwhowasontheground

withMichael'scompanythenighthewaskilled.HesaidhewasintheMidwestonvacationandwantedtovisitus.WewerepleasedtowelcomeanyonewhohadbeenwithMichaelintheservice,soweurgedhimtostopby.AswewaitedforhimwerecalledCharlieCompany'sstoriesaboutthechaplain.He'dbeenconsideredabadomen,andthemenwerealwaysunhappywhenheaccompaniedthemonamission.Itseemedthatsomethingneverfailedtogowrongwhenhewasalong.

Hearrivedseveralhourslater,anotherveteranwhohadn't

exorcisedthedemonsofVietnam.Hepacedourliving-roomflooranddescribedtheexperienceofstrappingonaholsterandguntoaccompanythecolonelintothejungletoshoot"gooks."Icringedwhenhedescribedtheenemyas"gooks"aderogatorytermusedbythegruntinthefield.MyopinionoftheVietnamarmychaplaindroppedseveralnotches.AtonepointGeneinterruptedhimtoaskifhewasfamiliarwiththeInternationalCodeofWar,whichprohibitedchaplainsfrombearingarms.Heignoredthequestion.

We'dlookedforwardtohisvisit,butheleftusoutraged.Hedidn'tresemblepadreswe'dmetinWorldWarII,buthecertainlyfittheimageofanAmericalofficer.IhaveoccasionallyfeltremorseoversomeofthebitterlettersIwrotefollowingMichael'sdeath,butnevertheonesIwrotetothechaplain.

WhenMichaelwasleavingforVietnam,ItoldhimthatifhewasassignedtotheAmericalDivision,Ididn'twanttoknowaboutit.Unfortunately,whenhisfirstletterarrivedhome,itborethereturn,"TheAmericalDivision,198th."We'ddiscussedtheAmericalevenbeforeMichaelwasdraftedin1968.OneofhishighschoolclassmateshadreturnedfromVietnamandhaddescribedhisexperiencesservingintheinfamousdivision.Initiallymadeupofathousandmen,Americalhadbeensentintocombatin1967.Allmembersofthistroubledunitwereeducated,rangingfromjuniorcollegecreditstodoctoratedegrees,andallhadrefusedtoundergoofficer'straining.Inspiteoftheirintelligence,theircasualtyratewasenormous;morethantwo-thirdsoftheoriginalonethousandmenwereeitherkilledorwounded.

TheAmericalwasplaguedwithproblemsthroughoutitscampaigninICorps,thenorthernmostoffourmilitarysectorsinVietnam.MyaversiontothisdivisionandfearforMichael'ssafetywithinitgrewdaily.IcontinuedtoreadeverythingIcouldabouttheunit.Bylate

November,wewerebeginningtogetreportsofanincidentatMyLai,ahamletlocatedintheareaundertheAmericalcommand.Aplatoonundertheleadershipofayounglieutenanthadactuallywipedoutanentirehamletmen,women,andchildren.ThemassivekillingoftheseVietnameseoccurredinMarch1968,buttheAmericalheadquartersmanagedtocoveruptheincident,anditdidn'treachthenewsmediauntilthefallof1969.IclippedthenewspaperitemandencloseditwithmynextlettertoMichael.Hewroteback:"You'vegottorememberthisisanareathatisstrongly

VCandeventodaythe11thDivisionoperatingthereisconstantlyrunningintoboobytraps,etc.Youwillfindthatthethingwasballoonedalloutofproportionastowhatactuallyhappened."

Ididn'tagreewithhim.IfeltthetroopsinICorpswerebeingtoldsomethingotherthanwhatweweregettingfromthemediaathome.I'dreadaformerAmericalcolonel'scharacterizationofthemenunderhiscommandas"dumbdogfaces."ThefirstAmericaltroopssenttoVietnamwereprobablybettereducatedthanmostoftheofficers.Combatdutyinthejunglewasanordealforeveryone,butitmusthavebeenparticularlyirritatingforthementobetakingordersfromofficerslikethecolonel.

InanotherletterMichaelhadmadeapassingreferencetotheAmerical'sofficers'preoccupationwithbodycount."Havetolaughatthem,"hesaid,"fortheyliveinadreamworld.Theyhavetohavefigures(bodycount)andnobodyknowswhatisaVCoraplainignorantvillager,atleastinthisarea."

Shortlyafteritsdeployment,theAmericalhadadoptedasitsbasictacticarefinedsearch-and-destroymethodknowninformallyasthescorched-earthpolicy.Michael'sletterofOctober22,1969,describedburningtwovillagesduringoneofthesearch-and-destroymissionsthepresidenthadpromisedtodiscontinue.

ThatsameyearEsquirepublishedastorybyRobertA.GrossaboutfollowingordersinVietnam.Initayoungsoldiertalkedabouthisexperience."Iwas21,"hesaid."Iwasreallyscared."Hewentontosaythathehadeasedhimselfintotheuseoftorture:"Ittookawhiletogetusedtousingbrutality;youdidn'tknowwhattheeffectswouldbe.Ididn'tparticularlyliketheideaoftorturebutIwasn'tgoingtopreventit.Ipreferredthefriendlyapproachofgivingprisonerscigarettestogaintheirfriendship.WhetherornotIgotbrutaldependedonhowcooperativetheywere.ButIdon'tthinkIwas

sadisticatall."

Headmittedtohavingusedclubs,riflebutts,pistols,andknivesonprisonersinterrogatedatHill28,basecampofthe1stBattalionofthe1stCavalry,AmericalDivision.Hesaidhiscaptaintoldhimhecoulduse"anytechniqueIcouldthinkof"butcautionedagainstbeatingprisonersinthepresenceofoutsiders,"likeavisitingofficerorperhapstheRedCross."

ThesoldiersawARVNpersonnelkickingaprisonertodeathandtriedinvaintostopthem.Afterthemandied,theAmerical

captainhadhimplacedintwofive-hundred-poundricesacksandtakenintothejungletobedumped.Thevictimwasthenaddedtothebodycount.

ImmediatelyafterthepublicationofMichael'sletters,IheardfromanIowawomanwhoseoldestson,alsonamedMichael,hadbeendraftedoutofcollegeandwasnowservingwiththeAmericalDivisionatChuLai."Yourson'sletterscouldalmostbeours,"shesaid."Myhusbandreadexcerptsfromeach,andyoucouldsaytheywereclosetothesameplaceatthesamedate.Veryclose."

Wereceivedanotherletterfromherthreemonthslater.Bringingusup-to-date,shetoldusherMikehadtakenRandRinHawaii,thenreturnedtoChuLai,wherehewentoutonpatrolalmostimmediately.Shortlyafterward,thefamilyhadreceivedaphonecall:

MikewasinahospitalinJapan,hurtbutalive.Hiswordstouswere,"MypartofthisGod-forsakenwarisover!I'mcominghome."Hewouldn'ttalkaboutwhathappened,butsaidhispartswereallstillwithhim,thathewasburned.Hehadbeentoldthatwehadbeennotified,butwehadn'tbeen.

ItseemstomethattheboysfromtheAmericalaretakinghelltheselastseveralmonths,andit'shardtothinkofthesebeautifulyoungmensacrificingsomuchforacausetheyvirtuallydespise.

AMassachusettsveteranwhohadservedwiththe196thLightInfantryBrigadeinVietnamcontactedusin1978afterreadingFriendlyFire.Hesaidthebook'saccountofMichael'sdeathledhimtobelievethatthiswasverycommonintheAmericalDivision.Duringhistourofduty,hewrote,therehadbeennumerousinstancesofGIsbeingkilledinasimilarfashion.HerecountedanincidentonFebruary2,1968,wheneightmenwerekilledandfourteenwoundedinhisplatoonwhentheyweremortaredbyacompanyfromthe198th.Itwascommonknowledge,hesaid,thatthe198thwasasdangerousastheNorthVietnamesearmy.

OurgovernmenthadwagedwarinICorpsforalmostfiveyears,sufferinghorrendouslossesincombatandaninordinatenumberofdeathsbyfriendlyfire.Theyhadgainednoterritoryinallthoseyears.OnApril30,1970,IwrotethefollowingtoFrankReynoldsofABCfollowinganeveningbroadcastthatupsetme.

DearMr.Reynolds:

OnyournewsthiseveningyoutoldtheAmericanpublicthat94youngmenhaddiedincombatinVietnamlastweek.Whycan'tyoutellusinhonestfigureshowmanyreallydiedinVietnamlastweek?

Asthemotherofayoungmanwhodiedonanightdefensiveambush,whoisnotconsideredawarcasualtybecausehewaskilledbyfriendlyfire,IfinditmostdifficulteachThursdayeveningtoswallowthefigureputoutbythePentagon.Manyofusbelieveone-thirdwhodieeachweekarenotreportedontheweeklytoll.

Justhadtobeheard!

Sincerely,PegMullen

Six:TheMarinesThespringafterMichael'sdeath,IbecamefascinatedwithaseriesofarticlesintheDesMoinesRegisteraboutfivemarineswhowerefacingcourt-martialinICorps.AccordingtotheRegister,thesemenhadbeenonpatrolthenightofFebruary18,hadbeenfiredon,andhadreturnedfire.Thenextdayanumberofdeadvillagerswerefound,amongthemwomenandchildren.

OursonhadbeenkilledFebruary18.WeoriginallyhadbeentoldbyourserviceofficerthathisdeathwasbyactionoftheARVNoneoffivesimilarambushesthatnight.

Thenewspaperlistedthemarines'namesandtheirhometowns.IdecidedtotrytoreacheachfamilyandforwardcopiesofthestoriesI'dclipped.

OnApril12,1970,Iwrotetothesefamilies,simplyaddressingeach,"Tofamilyof[marine'sname],cityandstate."IaddedanotationtoeachenvelopeaskingthePostalServicetopleasedeliver,asthisyoungmanwasintroubleinVietnamandIhadimportantinformationforhisfamily.Atthistime,Iwasreceivingmailwithlittlemoreaddressthan"Peg,Iowa,"soIhadfaiththattheletterswouldsomehowbedelivered.

Dear:

OnFebruary21wereceivedwordfromtheArmythatoursonwaskilledwhileonanightdefensiveambush,theresultoffriendlyartilleryfire.

Wedemandedtoknowfromthemilitaryofficerwhatwasmeantby"friendlyfire."HetoldusoursonwaskilledbyfirefromtheSouthVietnameseArmyandthatitwasnotaccidental.HethenproceededtotellusthatoursonwasavictimofoneoffivedeliberateshellingsinVietnamonFebruary18bytheSouthVietnamese.HeexplainedthattheARVNhadbeeninfiltratedbytheVietcong.IncheckingbackthroughthenewspaperswefindthattherewasadeliberateshellingatBienHoathatnight.ThenonalatenewsprogramontheradioSunday,February22,weheardofaMarineunitnearDanangthatwasattackedbyaunitoftheARVNandinthereturnfirethefiveMarineskilledVietnameseciviliansandwereconfinedtothebrig.

Weintendtopursueaninvestigationofourson'sdeaththroughtheofficeofSenatorHaroldHughes,andwearewonderingifyouwouldcaretotellustheoutcomeofyourson'sstory.Ifyoudecidenottocorrespond,we'llunderstand.

Sincerely,PegMullen

Thefirstresponsecamebytelephone.Mrs.JamesSchwarzofWeirton,WestVirginia,nearPittsburgh,wasanangrywoman,refusingtobelievethatherdecoratedmarinesonwasintrouble.Sheandherfamilywerestrongbackersofthemilitary,raisedtheflag

everyday,andwereproudoftheirmarine.

Mrs.SchwarzfolloweduphercallwithaletteronApril23,offeringusherdeepestsympathyonthedeathofourson"inthissenseless,uselesswar."Shehadreceivedonlytwolettersfromherson.Hetoldofbeingonanightpatrolwhentheywerefireduponbyasmall

child.Allbutfiveoftheirpatrolwerekilled,andthesurvivorswereorderedtoreturnfire.

Afterthefamilyreceivedthesecondletter,theywereunabletofindoutanythingmoreaboutwhatwasgoingon.EventhoughthelocalmarineofficerinPittsburghdeniedit,Mrs.Schwarzwasconvincedthathersonwasnotreceivingtheirletters,norwerehisbeingdeliveredtoherortohiswife.Shesuspectedthatthemilitaryfearedhislettersmightrevealwhatwasreallygoingon.SheclosedbyaskingmetoletherknowifIfoundoutanythingaboutwhathappenedthatnight,andsheofferedtohelpinanywayshecould.

Mrs.Schwarzsentalongcopiesoflettersthathadcometoherandherdaughter-in-law(MichealSchwarz'swife)fromofficersinthemarinecommandinVietnam.Thefirst,addressedtothemarine'swife,camefromSchwarz'scompanycommander,FirstLieutenantL.R.Ambort.HeprovidedthefamilywithanaccountofwhathappenedduringthenightofFebruary19,1970.HetoldMrs.Schwarzthatherhusbandhadvolunteeredforafive-mannightcombatpatrol.Shortlyafterthepatrollefttheirnightdefensivepositiontheywerehitbyenemyfire,andtheyreturnedfire.

HewentontosaythatthenextdayafriendlypatrolfoundthebodiesofsixteenwomenandchildrenintheareawhereSchwarz'spatrolhadmadeenemycontactthenightbefore.Hetoldofapreliminaryinvestigationbeingheld,whichwasfollowedbythearrestofthefivemarines.Pretrialinvestigationswereunderwaytodetermineifcourt-martialswouldbefiled.LieutenantAmbortexpressedhisownopinion,standingbehindthefiveyoungmen,declaringtheminnocent,andassuringthefamilytheirsonandhusbandwouldhaveadequatelegaldefense.

AnotherletteraddressedtotheparentscamefromCaptainDanielH.LeGear,alawyerwiththe1stMarineDivisionwhowasappointedto

representMichealSchwarz.LeGearintroducedhimselfandpromisedtodoallhecouldtohelptheirson.

Mrs.Schwarzhadcomplainedthat,afterreceivinghisfirstletter,shewrotetoLeGeartentimesbeforeheanswered.Whenhefinallydid,heassuredherthathewasdoingeverythinghecouldtoassistherMike.Hetoldofbeinginthemiddleofaformalinvestigationandaddedthatheexpectedthecasetobereferredtoageneralcourtmartial,allegingsomeformofunlawfulkilling.HesuggestedthatthefamilyobtaincharacterstatementsinMike'sbehalf,andwithhis

letterheenclosedguidelinesforobtainingsuitablestatementsandaskedthattheybesentdirectlytohim.

IwrotetoMrs.SchwarzagainonApril27,afterIhadbeenintouchwithanotherofthemarines'families,theJosephKrichtensofHanover,Pennsylvania.Thisletterrepresentedanattemptonmyparttobringthesefamiliestogether.

LaPorteCity,IowaApril27,1970

DearMrs.Schwarz:

Wereceivedyourlettertoday.Now,IwilltellyouwhatIhavereadandlearnedbywritingletters.OurboywaskilledonFebruary18about2A.M.whileonanightdefensiveambushnearTamKy,betweenChuLaiandDanang.AtthattimeweweretoldbythemilitaryservicemanwhocametoourhousethatfiveunitsofAmericanshadbeenattackedatthattimebytheSouthVietnamese.Wewereinterestedinreadingthestoryaboutyourboybecauseithappenedataboutthesametimeandinthesamearea.

ThereweretwostoriesinourDesMoinesRegisterconcerningit,andtworadiostories.Wedon'tknowthenameofthestationbecauseitwassomethingmysonJohnandafriendofhisheardlateatnight.ThestorieswerealongthethemethattheMarineshadbeenattackedbytheSouthVietnamesewhowerepatrollingwiththem.However,Ididn'thearthebroadcastssocan'tgiveyouthefacts.

WhenIwrotetothefamiliesofthefiveMarineswhosenameswerelistedintheDesMoinesRegister,Iprayedthey'drespond.OnApril26,IheardfromMrs.JosephE.Krichten,419ThirdSt.,Hanover,Pennsylvania,andIthinkshewouldbecloseenoughforyoutocontactinperson.ShegavemetheaddressofMrs.WilliamBoyd,109MarySt.,Evansville,Indiana.I'velocatedfamiliesofthreeofthefiveMarinesinvolved.TheotherboyslistedwereRandellHerrod,Calvin,Oklahoma,andSamuelGreen,Cleveland.WestillmighthearfromOklahoma,butourlettertoClevelandcamebackforlackofaddress.IfyouknowanyoneinCleveland,theymightbeabletolocateMrs.Greenforyou.

OnApril26IsentMrs.KrichteninHanoverthetwoclippingsfromourpapersoyoucancontacthertogetcopies.

I'menclosingacopyofMrs.Krichten'sletter,andifIwereyou,IwouldsuggestthatyougotoaleadingnewspaperinPitts-

burghandtellthemyourstory.Yousimplyhavetohavehelpfromthepublic.

Pleaseletmehearfromyou.

Sincerely,PegMullen

WhenIheardfromMrs.Schwarzagain,sheexpressedfrustrationoverherdealingswiththegovernmentandthenewsmedia.OnePittsburghnewspapertoldherthattheywouldnothaveanythingtodowithherson'scase,andalocaltelevisionstationwasnotallowedeventodiscussit.Onlyherlocalnewspaperofferedtohelp,sayingtheywouldcontactSenatorRobertByrdofWestVirginia.

Mrs.SchwarzsentustheresponsesshehadgottenfromSenatorHughScottofPennsylvania,whichshedidnotfindveryhelpful,andshesaiditwasclearthatshewouldnothearfromhimagain.Sheenclosedalistofthepeopleshehadwrittentowithoutreceivingreplies:SenatorByrdofWestVirginia,SenatorMorganofWestVirginia,andSenatorSchweikerofPennsylvania.She'dwrittenfourletterstoPresidentNixon.

Mrs.SchwarzhadheardfromMrs.Krichten,whowasnotgettinganymorehelpthanshewas.Shehadalsocontactedhersister,anuninCleveland,totrytofindtheaddressofMrs.Green.Sheletusknowthatshewouldstayintouch.

OnMay6,1970,IhadatearfulcallfromMrs.Schwarz.Shehadreceivedaletterfromherson'scommandingofficer.Hewastryingtogettheboysoutofthebrigandreturnthemtotheircompanyuntiltimefortheirtrials.Shewasfrightenedactuallyafraidthathersonwouldbeshotinthebackbyhisowntroops.Thecallpromptedmetowritetothefivefamiliesonceagain.Bythistime,Ihadobtainedhomeaddressesofallthemarines.IwantedtotellthemaboutMrs.

Schwarz'sfearandgiveeveryoneinvolvedthecompletelistofaddresses:

LaPorteCity,IowaMay9,1970

Dearfriends:

BecauseIkeepstumblingonnewsconcerningyoursons,Ihavemoreinformationtogiveyou.

BymakingacalltothenewspaperinCalvin,Oklahoma,IwasabletolearnthatthegrandfatherofRandellHerrodhadalreadymadeatriptoVietnaminbehalfofhisgrandson.Therestofyou

mightwanttocontacthiminanefforttolearnwhatwastheoutcome.IcalledthePlainDealernewspaperinClevelandandfoundareporterwhohadmuchinformationonSamuelGreen.

Heismailingallthematerialthatwasprintedintheirpaper,andhealsogavemethehomeaddressoftheboy.

WhenIcalledthehomeofRandellHerrodIlearnedhisgrandfather,AlvinSelf,wasnothome.ItalkedtoRandell'steenagebrotherandhetoldmetheirgrandfatherhadbeeninVietnam.

IwouldsuggestthatallofyoutogethercouldgetsomehelpinWashington.IfeelMrs.SchwarzhasarealreasontofearthefactthattheirlastletterfromVietnamsaidaneffortwasbeingmadetoreturntheboystodutybeforetheirtrial.Iftheircommandingofficeristhemanwhopreferredcharges,IknowthatIcouldn'tleaveathingunturnedatthispointtosavethemfromreturningtodutyinthesamecommand.

WheninformationcomesfromthereporterinCleveland,Ishallsenditontoyou.

Sincerely,PegMullen

OnJune23,thedayafterIlearnedMichealSchwarzhadbeensentencedtolifeimprisonment,IwrotetoSenatorHughScott.HeremainedoneofthestrongestsupportersoftheVietnamWarrightuptothebitterend.IalludedtoavisitmadetohisofficeearlierinthemonthinwhichIhaddiscussed,withthesenator'saide,themarines'situationandthecoincidentaldeathofmyson.

IadvisedSenatorScottthat,althoughoneoftheyoungmenwasaPennsylvaniaresidentandanotherlivedjustacrosstheborder,theirstoryhadnotbeencoveredbyradio,television,ornewspapersinthatstate.TomBoyd,RandellHerrod,andSamGreen,Iwrote:

werefinanciallyabletoobtaincivilianlegalcounsel,andallthreehadextensiveaidfromtheircongressmenandsenators.OnlyMrs.Krichten

andMrs.Schwarzhadnomoneytogetciviliancounsel,andonlythesetwowererefusedhelpfromtheirgovernmentrepresentatives.

MichaelKrichtenwasgivenimmunitybecausehesaidthingstheMarineCorpswantedhimtosay.MichealSchwarzwasmadeanexampleforalltoseehereceivedalifesentence.TomBoydwasacquittedtoday,becausehehadanattorneyfromEvansville,

Ind.,whocametohisdefense.SamGreenandRandellHerrodshouldstandachanceastheyhaveciviliandefenseattorneys.

Inclosing,ItoldSenatorScottthatIunderstoodthebitternessMrs.Schwarzfeltoverherson'slifesentence.''I,too,believethatthegreat,massivestructurecalledthePentagonhasmadeamockeryoftheflaganduniform,''Isaid."IalsobelievetherewillbeaspecialhellforthemenwhohavedrivenourboysinuniforminVietnamtotheirdeathsanddisgrace,allinthenameofpatriotism."

Onthesameday,June23,IwrotetoMrs.Schwarz:

AftervisitingwithyouonMondayIwasleftwiththeawesomethoughtthatnoonecaresanymore;thatthepoorhavenoplacetoturnforhelpasfarasourgovernmentisconcerned;thatourgovernmentwithitspresidentisconcernedonlywithwarandkill...kill...kill.Ouryoungsonsandtheirfutureshavenomeaningwearetocontinuetobreedboybabiesjusttokeepthewarmachinefunctioning.

MondayeveningIdroveabout40milestovisitawidowwhowastoburyherhandsome23-year-oldson.HehadthegreathonorofbeingthefirstIowantodieinCambodia.Iwasfrightenedtofindthatshe,too,feltthePentagonhadmadeamockeryoutoftheflagandpatriotism.Shewasreadytokillanyoneinuniformwhoapproachedherhomenoflagwilleverflyagainatthishome.

AfterItalkedtoyou,IcalledMr.StipeinOklahoma,theattorneywhoisrepresentingRandellHerrod.HissecretarytoldmehehadgonetoDanangtodefendRandyandwouldsitinonremainingtrialsas"friendofcourt."Shesaidshe'dhavehimcallmeorwritewhenhereturned.Shefeltthewholethingwasaframe-upandwasn'tsurehowtherestofthetrialswouldgothentodaywehearthatTomBoydwasacquitted.

I'mgivingyouStipe'stelephonenumberandifyoudon'tfeelliketalkingtohimhavesomeoneelsecallforyou.HeisakindmanandI'msurehehasMicheal'sinterestatheart,inlightofthefacthedidmakethetriptoDanangtobethereforhistrial.

IwassogladtohearthatyouhadgoneonTV,lettingyourangershowthrough.Ididn'tseeitbutmydaughterdidandcalledme.Don'tgiveuptellyourMiketherearemillionswhodocare.

Sincerely,PegMullen

ThesamedayIhadacallfromafriendinPittsburghwhosuggestedthatItuneinABCNewsthatevening.IdidsoandwatchedtheSchwarzfamilysetfiretotheflagpoleandflag.Thisactionin1970didn'tseemtodisturbthepresidentortheCongress.

InlateJuly1970twoPittsburghattorneysannouncedthattheyhadenoughevidenceforanappealonbehalfofMichealSchwarz.AboutthemiddleofDecember,attorneyJamesMcLaughlinwasnotifiedthatMajorGeneralC.EWiddecke,commandinggeneralofthe1stMarineDivision,hadorderedthesentencereduced.Thesentencewascommutedfromlifetoadishonorabledischargeandoneyearathardlabor.Inhisrulingthemajorgeneralstated:"ThegreatinconsistencyisthefactSchwarz'splatoonleader,whogavetheorderwhichSchwarzfollowed,wasacquittedandisnowattendingcollege."Schwarz'sattorneysaidhewouldcontinuetoseekfullexonerationforthemarine.

Micheal'sone-yearsentence,whichheservedatthePortsmouthNavalDisciplinaryCommandprison,wasreducedbyseventy-sevendaysforgoodconduct.Hisattorneyannouncedthatanotherappealonnewevidencewouldbefiled.

MylastletterfromMrs.Schwarzcameduringthe1970Christmasseason,anditcontainednogoodnews.Sheopenedwithanapologyfornothavingwrittensoonerandtheninformedmethatshehadjustbroughtherhusbandhomefromthehospitalfollowingacompletenervousbreakdown.Shedescribedhertriptovisitherson,whomshewasabletoseeforlessthananhourafteratripoffivedays.Hiswifeandbabydidnotaccompanyherbecausethebabywassick.ButMrs.Schwarzthoughtthismayhavebeenjustaswell,sincethetimespentwithhersonwassoshort.Infact,shefearedhervisitmadeitevenworseforherson.

ThelawyerhadpromisedthathersonwouldbehomeforChristmas.

Sincehewasnot,theywerestillwaitingtocelebratetheholidays.Mrs.Greenhadphonedherat4A.M.onChristmasday,becauseshealsohadbeenpromisedthathersonwouldbehomeintimeforChristmas.ThislettermarkedthefirsttimeMrs.SchwarzaddressedmeasPegandsignedherletterwithHelen.

AnotherofmyoriginalfiveletterswassenttothefamilyofThomasR.BoydofEvansville,Indiana.Theletterwasnotreturned,norwasitanswered.Severalweekslater,HelenSchwarzinformedmethat

she'dmanagedtogetBoyd'saddressfromthemarineheadquartersinPittsburgh.IthenwrotetoBoyd'smother.Onceagain,therewasnoreply.

OnMay1,1970,IphonedMrs.Boyd.ShetoldmethefamilyhadhiredanattorneywhowasplanningtogotoVietnamalongwithinvestigatorsfromWashington,D.C.ShealsosaidtheirfamilyhadobtainedthousandsofsignaturesfromtheirareaonpetitionsinsupportofThomas.

OnMay8IcalledheragaintorelaytheinformationMrs.Schwarzhadgivenmeabouttheirson'scommandingofficer.Hehadtriedtohavethefivemarinesputbackondutywiththeplatoon,pendingtheirtrials.Mrs.Boydthankedmefortheinformationandsaidshewouldpassitonimmediatelytoherattorney.

AccordingtoaccountsintheDesMoinesRegister,Boyd'strialfollowedthatofMichealSchwarz.Hiscivilianattorneysatinwiththemilitaryattorney,andtheypetitionedthecourtfortrialbymilitaryjudgeandnotbyafullcourt-martial.Thispetitionwasgranted.Boydwasfoundnotguilty.Hehadtestifiedinhisowndefense,tellingthejudgethat,beforehewenttoVietnam,hispastorremindedhimthatoneoflife'smostimportantruleswas"Thoushaltnotkill."Membersofhisplatoontestifiedthattheyhadneverseenhimkillanyoneincombat.

Asheleftthecourtroom,tearswerestreamingdownhisface.PrivateSamuelGreen,himselfawaitingtrial,threwhisarmsaroundBoydandhisattorney.

Thefourthletter,addressedtoGreen'sfamilyinCleveland,wastheonlyonetobereturned.Ithadbeenincorrectlyaddressed.(Isentitwithouthousenumberorstreetname.)

IhadnoluckintracingtheGreenfamily,soIcalledtheCleveland

paperandlocatedareporterwhowasfamiliarwiththestory.Hepromisedtosendmeanitemonthemarine,togetherwithMrs.Green'saddress.Thereporter,DickFeager,followedthroughandsentmeanarticlehehadwrittenonJune5,1970,undertheheading,"CityMarineAccusedofKillinginWarSuestheU.S.Military."

Green'sattorney,JamesChiara,tookanunusualapproachinthedefenseofhisclient.HehiredaWashington-basedlawfirmandfiledsuitinfederalcourtinthecapital.Thethemeofhisdefensechal-

lengedthecourtstoruleon:"Whenasoldierkills,whenisitdutyandwhenisitmurder?"Hissuitalsoaskedthatthecourt-martialbedropped,thatGreenbereleasedfromthestockade,thathebereinstatedintheMarineCorps,andthatallchargesofwrongdoingbethrownout.DuringaninterviewwiththepressChiarasaid:"TheVietnamWarisascrewywar.Itisn'tfoughttoclaimland.Itisfoughttokillpeople."

TheattorneycontendedthatGreenwasmerelydoinghisdutyhewasassignedtoa"killerteam"andsentouttokill.ThisincidentfollowedcloselythedisclosureoftheMyLairampage,andourmilitarywasinnopositiontosweepthisoneundertherug.

InclosedhearingsbeforeGreenwasformallycharged,officersintheunittoldofVietnamesewomenandchildrenservingincombatremindingthejudgethatthenightbeforeallbutfiveoftheunithadbeenkilledbyambushandthatthesurvivorsweresentoutto"getsomeofthebastards."Talkingtothepress,Green'smotherremarked:"Mysondidn'tleavethecountrytogetthrownintothepen.Nowonderthoseboysdon'twanttogointoserviceiftheycan'tdefendthemselves."

AfterreceivingMrs.Green'saddressandtelephonenumber,IcalledherandtoldherwhatIknewabouttheotherfamilies.Ifoundherinthesameemotionalstateastheothermothers:angryandconfusedaboutthemilitary'sroleinVietnam.ShewaseagertotellmethatRepresentativeCarlStokes,fromherdistrict,wasbeinghelpfulandthatthefamilyhadhiredagoodattorneywhoplannedtositinonthetrialinDanangwiththemarinecounsel.

OnAugust15and16thenewspapersreportedthatSamuelGreenhadbeenfoundguiltyofpremeditatedmurderandsentencedtofiveyears'imprisonment.Oneunnamedmemberofthe"killerteam"hadtestifiedduringtheone-daytrialthathehadnotseenGreenkillanyone,and

thegovernment'switness,MichaelKrichten,alsotestifiedthathehadnotseenGreenkilltheVietnamese.Afterthetrial,Greencommentedthathisautomaticappealprobablywouldgethimoff.

ThestoryofRandellHerrod,thefifthmarineindictedformurderinDanang,hadasuddenandhappyending.MyletterofApril12totheyoungman'sfamilyhadbeendelivered.

Aftercontactingthefamiliesoftheotherfour,Idecidedtocall

thenewspaperinCalvin,Oklahoma.TheeditorgavemethenameofAlvinSelf,thegrandfatherwhohadrearedtheboy,togetherwithhisaddressandtelephonenumber.

IputinacallforMr.SelfandtalkedtoateenagebrotherofPrivateHerrod.HesaidtheirgrandfatherwasinVietnam.Ibecameintriguedwiththiselderlygentlemanfromaruralcommunityof350peoplewhohadactuallygonetoVietnam.

OnMay22,1970,IhadacallfromGeneStipe,apracticingattorneyinMcAlester,Oklahoma.HerepresentedthefamilyofRandyHerrod.HetoldmethatMr.Selfhadcometohisofficethatdaywithaletterfromme,whichhefoundwaitingforhimonhisreturnfromVietnam.StipeaskedwhereIhadgottenmyinformationandwouldIpleasesendhimeverythingIhadinmypossession.

ThefollowingdayImailedtheattorneythematerialshehadrequested,togetherwithaletteraskingthathereturnsomeofthedocuments,astheywereoriginals.Ialsotoldhimofmycontactswiththemarines'familiesthusfar.

TwomonthslatertheDesMoinesRegistercarriedastoryaboutGeneStipegoingtoVietnamindefenseofRandellHerrod.He'dattemptedtochallengetheU.S.CourtofMilitaryAppeals,askingthatHerrodbegrantedachangeofvenueandpostponementofhistrialonchargesofpremeditatedmurder.Herrod'smarinelawyershadalsochallengedthecourt-martialsystem.Thesechallengesweredenied.

Therewerenodevelopmentsinthiscaseforweeks.OnAugust31,whileentertainingguestsfromNewYorkCity,weheardanewsbulletinovertheradioannouncingthatHerrodhadbeenacquitted.ThenewsitemscomingfromthepressonthesceneinVietnamtoldthatwhenHerrodheardtheverdict,hepickeduphismilitarydefensecounselandcarriedhimbodilyfromthecourtroom.Nexthestrapped

onapistoltoescortattorneyStipetotheairportforhisreturntoOklahoma.

Herrod,whopriortothisincidenthadbeenscheduledtoreceivetheSilverStarforheroisminaction,remarkedthathehadbeenpreparedfortheworstthemaximumpenaltycouldhavebeendeath.Histrialformurder,withthelifeordeathofayoungmarinehanginginthebalance,hadlastedasingleten-hourday,andthejurywasoutforascantthreehours.Militaryjusticeisswiftifnotalwaysfair.

Seven:WBZInthemonthsfollowingmyson'sdeath,IrefusedtosignablankpayvoucherforhislasteighteendaysinVietnam.Whentheserviceofficer,CaptainMcDougal,cametomewiththeblankvoucher,ItoldhimIwouldn'tsignituntiltheamountofpayearnedwasshown.HelookedatmeindisgustandrepliedthatIwasprobablythefirstmother(orfather)duringalltheyearsofthewartorefuse.Myrefusaltosignthevoucherwasneitherextraordinarynorsymbolic,merelygoodbusiness.Yetitseemedtoupsetnearlyeveryoneinthemilitary,fromthegeneralatFortBenjaminHarrison(financecenterfortheU.S.Army)toouryoungserviceofficeratthelocallevel.

EventuallyIwasgiventhefiguresthearmyhadcalculated,but

theydidnotagreewiththefiguresMichaelhadsenthomeeachmonth.Hewouldsendmehispayvoucher,coveredwithnotationsaskingmetobecomefamiliarwiththeformandtokeeptheminmyfiles.Heseemedobsessedwiththefearthatthearmywouldmakemoneyoffofhisservice.Thepayofferedwaslessthan$100foreighteendays,andmyrecordsindicatedhisbasicpaywas$254.70minusdeductionsofasavingbondanda$60allotment.

Finally,Iaskedforanaudit,makingmyrequesttoacolonelintheArmyFinanceCenter.HeaskedmetoexplainwhatImeantbyanaudit.ItoldhimthatIwasnotacertifiedpublicaccountantnorwasIanofficerinthefinancedivisionofthearmy,butIcertainlycouldexplainanaudittohim.Therequestedinformationcameinthemailseveraldayslater,andIlearnedthatthediscrepancywasduetoMichael'sbeingchargedforelevendaysofunearnedleave,elevendaysofsalary,elevendaysoffoodandclothingrations,andelevendaysofSocialSecurity,includingtheSocialSecuritypaidbythePentagon.

Despitemanytelephoneconversationsbetweentheofficersandme,thematterwentunresolved.AtonepointtheygaveMichaelapromotioninrank,butIrefusedtoacceptthecompensationtheyoffered.Aftermonthsofwrangling,IconcludedthattheDefenseDepartmentneededthemoneyworsethanIdid.

MyangerpeakedwhenIlearnedthat,hadMichaelsurvivedVietnamandreturnedhome,allofhisunpaidleavewouldhavebeenforgiven.WhenIthoughtofthemillionsofdollarsflowingintoPentagoncoffersfromthisoperation,Ibecameenraged.EffortsintheSenatein1970torepealthatprovisionofthelawwereunsuccessful,soitisstillonthebooks.

IreceivedaletterwrittenonNovember21,1970,fromawomaninWisconsin.Shewasdisturbedbecausehersonhadbeenwoundedin

Vietnam;thenthedeathnoticecamelabelinghisdeathasnon-hostile.ShewasengagedinastrugglewiththePentagonandCongresstolearnthetruth.ThestoryofmybattlewiththeArmyFinanceCenterhadbeenfeaturedintheDesMoinesRegister.Shewantedtotellmethathersonhadalsopaidbackexcessleaveof271/2days,explainingthatthedoubleFICAdeductionwastaxthatMichaelwouldhavepaidandalsothatportionpaidbythegovernment.Shewentontoremarkthatthearmywasverythoroughingettingevery

centfromtheoneswhodied,wonderingwhytheydidn'tsavelivesasefficientlyastheysavedpennies.

ForthePentagontocollectfor271/2daysofexcessleave,itwouldhavetobepaidbythefamilyunlessthedeceasedhadextramoniesonhandinthemilitary.Iobservedthissituationrepeatedlyovertheyears,andI'mstillatalosstounderstandwhyanyparentshouldbesubjectedtosuchanindignitywhenhisorherfamilyhasalreadymadethesupremesacrifice.

FromthemomentweburiedMichaelourcorrespondencewiththeDefenseDepartment,intheirefforttoanswerourquestions,continuedtoamazeus.ContrarytomailcomingfromdivisionofficersinVietnamallwrittenbyoneofficerbutsignedbyvariousofficersthemailfromthePentagonwasnotcoordinated.Eachdepartmentheadexpressedhisowntheory,withlittleregardtowhatthemannextdoorwastellingus.

Weweredeterminedtotelltheworldwhatwealreadyknew.SowhenacallcamelateoneafternooninJuneof1970fromJerryWilliams,whohostedaradiotalkshowfromstationWBZinBoston,IreadilyacceptedhisinvitationtojoinapaneloffourwomenwhowereopposedtotheVietnamWar.Theshowwouldairthatnightfromeighttomidnight.Oneofthepanelistshadaskedhimtocontactme.IremindedhimthatIlivedonafarmandthatourtelephonewasapartyline,sharedbyfourhouseholds.Iagreedtocontactmyneighbors.IfitwasOKwiththem,Iwouldvisitwithhispanelandcallersfromtentomidnight.

Itwasastimulatingtwohours,withcallscomingfrommanysectionsoftheEast.IwelcomedthisfirstopportunitytosendmymessagebeyondtheMidwest.Williamsalsoarrangedformetotalkwiththepanelists,fourwomenwhowouldeventuallyformthenucleusofapowerfulpeaceorganizationinBostonandthroughoutthestate.At

onepointduringtheprogramIwasaskedwhatthewomencoulddoaboutthesituationinVietnam.

"March,"Ireplied.

JerryWilliamshostedtheoldesttalkshowonradio,anditcoveredtheentireEastCoastfromFloridaintoCanada.IcouldhardlycomprehendtheterritoryIhadreachedthenumbersofpeoplewhohadlistenedtomymessage.Weremindschanged?

TheonlylettersIreceivedasaresultofmyparticipationcame

fromthepaneliststhemselves.Oneofthem,ShirlieGoldman,provedtobeaprolificcorrespondent.Inherfirstletter,writtenthemorningaftertheprogram,shesaidthepanelistshadagreedthereshouldbeaMother'sMarchonWashingtonsometimeintheverynearfuture."Wearebeginningtomakeourplans,andIwillkeepyouinformed,"shepromised.

AhastilyscrawledpostcarddatedJune9arrivedinthemail:

TheEveningStarWashington,D.C.

DearPeg:

Righton,deargirl.Alotofpeoplethinkyourideaaboutthewomenmarchingisthelastbesthope.

Shalom,MaryMcGrory

Truetoherword,Shirliekeptmeinformedoftheireveryactivity.Withinafewweeksofthebroadcast,theyhadorganizedamarch."Ithoughtyoumightbeinterestedinourplans,"shesaidinaJune27letter:

IfyouknowanyladiesinIowawhowouldliketojoinus,pleasepassontheinformation.Evenfivewouldbegreat!

Perhapswe'llgetsomepublicity.Mostofuswereformerlythe"SilentMajority,"andwehopethiswillbeanimportantwedgefor"SilentMothers"inotherstatestoalsovisitWashington.

Shirliesentalongastatementaddressedtoconcernedfriends,mothers,andgrandmothers.IttoldofplanstogotoWashington,D.C.,July16and17.There,theywouldmeetwithlegislatorstoexpresstheircompleteandunalterableoppositiontotheIndochinaWarandtopressforimmediateactionbyelectedofficialstoendit.Theyurgedmothersacrossthenationtoorganize.

OnJuly10shewrotetosaythatthemothers'delegation,whichnownumberedthirty,wouldbeleavingthefollowingweekforWashington.TheyplannedtoholdmeetingswithvariousofficialsandapeacefulvigilinfrontoftheWhiteHouse.

ThesuccessoftheWBZtalkshowpointedouttomehowimportantitwastoreachoutacrossthecountry.Iresolvedfromthenontoaccepteverychancetogopublic.ShortlybeforeMichaeldied,IhadwrittentoagroupcalledAnotherMotherforPeace,basedin

BeverlyHills,California.Ireceivedareplytwodaysafterlearningofmyson'sdeathandjoinedtheorganizationimmediately.

InMarch1971GeneandIwerecontactedbyDorothyJones,cochairofthegroup.Sheaskedifwewouldtakepartintheproductionofahalf-hourfilmtobeshownonpublictelevisionandaroundthecountrybypeacegroups.Weagreed,andthefilmmakers,headedbyDonaldMacDonald,cametoourhome.

Thecrewstayedwithusforfourdaysandnights.Itwasanenjoyabletime.Mostdayswerespentfilming;weatedinnerlate,thenspenthoursaroundthetabledrinkingGene'shomemadewineandexchangingstories.Itwasgoodtolaughagainafterayearwithsolittlehumorinourlives.Thetwoyoungmenwerebeardedandlong-haired,theloneyoungwomanwasafreespirit.ThewarprotestshadbeenborninCaliforniatheytoldofmarching,singing,beingarrestedinfrontoffederalbuildings,andburningdraftcards.Beinganovice,Idevouredeveryword.

OnJune16thefilmpremieredintheSenateTheaterinWashington,D.C.Wehadbeensentplanetickets,soweleftfromCedarRapidsonthe15thandcheckedintotheCongressionalHotel.ThenextmorningweweregreetedbyactressandfellowIowanDonnaReed,acochairofAnotherMotherforPeace.Afterbreakfastandlunchwithourcharminghostess,weattendedtheafternoonscreening.

Inoticedinlookingovertheassemblythatvirtuallynoneofthesenatorsandrepresentatives,allofwhomhadreceivedspecialinvitations,werepresent.Theyhadcontroloverthelivesofourcountry'syoungmenyetdidn'twanttolookatwhattheirprotractedwarwasdoingtotheAmericanfamily.Twosenatorsdidattend,SenatorHughesofIowa,theonlysenatorontheArmedServicesCommitteetodissent,andSenatorGrueningofAlaska,oneoftwosenatorswhohadvotedagainstPresidentJohnson'sGulfofTonkin

resolution.

Thethirty-minutefilmtouchedonthelivesoffivefamilieswhohadbeenaffectedbythewarindifferentways.WerepresentedafamilywhosesonhadbeenkilledinVietnam.Inthefilm,wesitatthekitchentableandtalk.Genedescribeslookingdownfromtheroofofthehousewherehewasrepairingtheantennaandseeingamarinesergeantandourparishpriestgettingoutofamilitarycar.Hetellsofaskingthreetimes:"Ismysondead?"Threetimesnooneanswered.Therearescenesatthegravesiteallsilent.BackatthetableGenewondershowsomemen,withthepassageoftime,put

thewarasidewhentheyleaveit,whileotherscarryitontoreliveitwithakindofenjoymentwhentheirsonsgrowtomaturityandhavetofighttheirgeneration'swar.

Next,inEastCovina,California,JohnWillyhasbeenkilledandhisyoungerbrotherhasdecidednottofaceinduction,breakinghisfamily'straditionofmilitaryservice.

ThefilmthengoestoActon,Massachusetts,whereayoungmannamedMarkrefusestoanswerhisdraftcallandentersafederalprison.HeisthesonofQuakers,hisparentsprisonersoftheirownproudconsciences,supportinghimtearlesslyuntilitistimetosaygood-bye.

InClearwater,Florida,wefindaschoolteacherwhosesonisaprisonerinHanoi.ShehasbeenremovedfromateachingunitinvolvingSoutheastAsiabecauseshecannolongerbeimpartial.

ThefifthfamilyinvolvedlivesinCollegeStation,Texas.Theyounghusbandlosthislegwhileservingwiththemarinesinawarhedidn'tsupport.HewondershowitisthathewastoldtodomanythingswhichtheChurchofChristhadsaidwerewrong.

OnelaststatementfromtheteacherinFlorida:''HowcanthisbeagovernmentofthepeoplewhenIdon'tknowanyoneinthecountrywhoisinfavorofwhatourgovernmentisdoing?''

WhenthefilmendedwewereapproachedbyBessMyerson,alsoamemberofthepeacegroup.Shegavemeamessagefromayoungveteraninthebackofthetheater.GeneandIwenttotalktohim.

Paulwasdressedinfatiguesandamilitaryberet.Leaningagainsttheseatbesidehimwasapairofcrutches.HewasnearlyovercomewithemotionbutfinallymanagedtoexplaintousthatoursonhadbeenhisfriendforseveralweeksinVietnam.PaulhadtrainedMichaelin

junglewarfare.

AboutamonthbeforeMichaelwaskilled,Paulhadhitalandmine.HewasinthehospitalinJapanwhenCharlieCompanywashitbyfriendlyfire.Becauseofthefilm,he'drealizedforthefirsttimethathisfriendwasdead.HetoldushecouldalwaysbefoundattheofficeoftheVietnamVeteransAgainsttheWar(VVAW)inCambridge,Massachusetts.

In1973wedroveouttoCambridgeandaskedforhimattheVVAW.Hewasnotin,butwemadearrangementstotakehimtodinnerthenextday.TosatisfymyownmindthatthisyoungmanhadreallyknownMichael,Iaskedhimseveralquestionsoverdinner.

IremarkedthattherewereprobablyseveralMichaelMullensinVietnam.Helookedup,gesturedtowardablack-and-whiteframedabstractphotoonthewall,andsaid:"Seethatpicture?Hishairwasthatcolor."Michael'shairhadbeguntograyatseventeenoreighteen.

WeneverheardfromPaulagain,buthegaveusoneofhisetchingsofVietnamscenes.Itdepictsacombatveterandroppinghisrifle,withthecaption,"Please,nomore."WhenIlookattheetchingIthinkofPaul.He'ddescribedhisexperiencesinandoutofveteranshospitalsintheNortheast.Asdoctorspreparedtoamputatehisleg,he'dclimbedoutofbed,calledataxi,andleft.Becausehe'drefusedthesurgery,hecouldnotreceivegovernmentmedicalbenefits.HewaspreparedtodieandI'msurehedid.

Overayearlater,aletterarrivedfromMinnieLeeGartley,motherofthePOWinthefilm.Herson,Mark,wasinthefirstgroupofprisonerstobereleasedbyHanoi.WehadrecognizedhisnameashesteppedfromtheplanebringingthefirstPOWsbacktotheirfamilies,sowewrotetoher.Wewantedhertoknowwehadn'tforgottenherandhowhappywewereforMarkandhisfamilywhenwesawhimstepoutoftheplane.

ThefilmhadanimpactthroughoutthestateofIowa,especiallyamongprivatecollegesandsmall-townpeacegroups.Iwasofteninvitedtoshowthefilm,followingitupwithmypleatoworkforpeace.Afteronescreening,wereceivedaletterfromawomaninCedarFalls,Iowa,whotoldusthatpeopleinhercommunityhadbeendeeplymoved.Shewasconvincedthatthosewhosawthefilmwouldtakestepstobringanendtothissenselesswar.

TheBostonwomenfromtheWBZradioshowandIstayedintouch.InJuly1971IwrotetoShirlieandtoldherwewereplanningavacationintheEastandwouldstoptomeetherfamily.Whenweknockedontheirdoortwoweekslater,wewerewelcomedwithopen

arms.Wesatatthekitchentabledrinkinggallonsofcoffeewhileanendlessstreamofneighborsflowedinandoutthebackdoor.ThehospitalitywefeltintheirkitchenwasnodifferentfromthatfoundinthefarmhousekitchensbackinIowa.Wedidn'tgotoamotel,andwewoundupstayingaweek.

WhenI'dparticipatedinthecall-inprogramonWBZfromourhomeinIowa,JerryWilliamshadinvitedmetogoliveonhisshowifIevercametoBoston.MyhostsnotifiedhimthatIwasintown,

andapaneldiscussionwasscheduled.WerecruitedtwomotherswhohadlostsonsinthewartositonthepanelwithGeneandme.Thewomenwerenervousthey'dneverbeenonatalkshow.Iassuredthemthatonehostileresponsefromacallerwouldcuretheiruneasiness.ThiswasalsoGene'sfirsttime,butheshowednoconcern.OurWBZhostwasaseasonedprofessionalandgottheshowofftoabriskstart.Thecallspouredinforfourhours.

Themilitaryanditssupporterswererelentless.Theyrepeatedlyaccusedusofdishonoringourfallensonsandactinglikecrybabies.Afterall,theyargued,thousandsofothermothershadlostsons,andtheyweren'tgoingontalkshowstocriticizeourgovernmentanditspolicies.

AtonepointIfoundmyselfunabletoansweraparticularlyangrycaller.Genesmiledandhandedmeanenvelope.Onit,hehadscribbledthewordsofanepitaphonamonumentatLexingtondedicatedtoBritishsoldierswho'ddiedthereintheRevolutionaryWar.We'dvisitedthereearlierintheday.

Theycame3000milesanddiedTokeepthepastuponitsthrone.Unheard,beyondtheoceantideTheirEnglishmothermadehermoan.

April19,1775

Thisheart-rendingverseworkedmagic,andthecallslostmuchoftheirheat.

Whenwereturnedhome,wefoundanotherletterfromShirlie.

DearPegandGene:

Ican'tbegintotellyouhowempty93WendellParkseemedafteryoudroveoffdon'tthinkI'mjustsayingthattobeniceDavidandItalkedforalongtimeafterwardaboutyouandhowgreatitwastomeetcomparative

strangers,exchangeideas,livetogether,eventhoughforaveryshorttime,andfeelasthoughwehadbeenfriendsforyears.Sobeforeyouwritetothankus,wewanttothankyoubothsomuchforstayingwithusduringyourbriefstayinBoston.

PleasebesureandletusknowwhenthearticleisgoingtoappearintheNewYorkerbecauseIwillwanttobuyseveralcopies.

IamgoingtocallJerryWilliamsthisafternoonandseeiftheywillsendyouatapeofthebroadcast.

So,mydears,onceagainthankyouforyourvisit.

Shalomandlove,Shirlie

TheWBZbroadcastresultedinmoreletters.Somepleadedforhelpinsituationsthatrequiredmiracles.Theseweredifficultforus.Anyadvicehadtobegivencarefully,butIalwaysurgedthesepeopletoberelentlessintheirdealingswithlegislatorsnottogiveupuntiltheyhadgottensatisfaction.Militaryofficials,Itoldthem,werecarefulhowtheydealtwiththoseinCongresswhocontrolledtheirannualallotments.Ialwaysremindedthemthattheirsonbelongedtothem,nottothemilitary.

OnelettercamefromaninmateatasouthernMichiganprisonwhowrotepoetry.Hewasanex-soldierwhohadservedafive-yearsentenceforrefusingtofightinKoreaandwho'dsubsequentlyembarkedonalifeofcrime.HeadmonishedmetocontinueinwhatIwasdoingandnottogiveupashehad.Hewentontosaythatoursonmusthavebeenveryproudofhisparentsandthatheonlywishedthathehadsuchafatherandmother.Heexpressedhissorrowoverthelossofoursonbutaddedthatwehadgainedmanysonswholovedusverymuch.

IntheyearsfollowingMichael'sdeathIhadaskedmyselfmanytimeswhetherIshouldcontinuetryingtoconvincepeoplethatthewarwaswrong.ThisletteransweredwhateverdoubtIhad.

AlsointheradioaudiencethatnightwasayoungveteranlivinginMassachusettswhowrotetotellmethatthousandsoflistenerslikehimselfweregreatlymovedbywhatallofushadtosay.He,too,pleadedwithustokeeponwithourwarprotestandtonevergiveup,

addingthatallAmericanswereenlightenedbecauseofwhatweweredoing.

Eight:PrivateEdHallEarlyonesummerdayourdoorbellrang.Ilookedoutthefrontwindowandsawanunfamiliarcarinthedriveway.Iopenedthedoortoatall,handsomeyoungmanwhoaskedifhecouldcomein.WhenIhesitated,heblurtedout,"ButJohnMcCormallysaidyou'dtalktome."JohnwassomeoneI'dmetintheantiwarmovement.HewastheeditoroftheBurlingtonHawkeyeandamanIadmiredandrespected.Iextendedmyhandtotheyoungman,invitedhimin,andaskedifhe'dshareacupofcoffeewithme.

Itwasstillmorning,soIpreparedhimbreakfast.Assoonashe'deatenwetookourcupsofcoffeetothelivingroomabeautifulroomwithlargepicturewindowsontheeastandsouthwallsandanunobstructedviewformilesineitherdirection.Tom(nothisreal

name)satonanold-fashionedsewingrockeranheirloom.Hestaredoutthesouthwindowandrockedincessantly.Iwaited,andfinallyhebegantotalk.

HewasaVietnamveteranandagraduateofGrinnellCollege.Whenhereturnedfromthewarzone,hesaid,hefelthehadagoalapurpose.Asheputit,"Theremustbepeace."Hisplanwastocontactotherpeace-seekingpeopleallovertheUnitedStates.Hewantedtocharteranairlinerandflytothecapitalsoftheworld'snationstomeetwiththeirleaders.Hehadnodoubthewouldsucceed.Unfortunately,herestatedhisplansoverandoverforaboutthreehoursalmostasifhehadbeenprogrammed.Icouldn'tdecidewhetherhewasmentallyillorsimplyhighondrugs.

Genehadsleptlatethatmorning,afterworkingfourhours'overtimethedaybefore.Whenheawoke,IinvitedTomtojoinusinthekitchenforlunch.ThetwovisiteduntilitwastimeforGenetoleaveforwork.IthentoldTomthathewouldhavetogo.(Iwasafraidtobealonewithhim.)Hethankedmeandpromisedtokeepintouch.

Thoughtsoftheyoungvisitorlingeredtherestoftheday.Whenthephonerangthatevening,Iwasn'tsurprisedthatthecallwasaboutTom.ThecallerwasDr.JosephWall,deanatGrinnellCollege.HewantedtoknowifTomhadbeentoourhouse.Apparently,he'dsneakedawayfromhomewhileonleavefromtheVeteransHospital.Whenhismotherdiscoveredhersonwasmissing,shedrovetoGrinnellinsearchofhim.IpromisedDr.WallthatI'dcontacthimimmediatelyifIheardfromTomagain.

Atabout8P.M.thephonerangagainitwasTom."Please,Mrs.Mullen,"hesaid,"IneedyouandGene.PleasecomeandpickmeupattheHolidayInninCedarRapids."IexplainedIwouldhavetodrivefifteenmilestoWaterlootopickupGeneandthenanotherseventy-fivemilestoCedarRapids.''Willyoupromisetostaythere?"Iasked.

Hepromised,andIbelievedhim.

IphonedGrinnellCollegeandrelayedtheinformationtothedean.Tom'smother,accompaniedbysomefriends,drovetoCedarRapidsandpickedupherson.Dr.Wallphonedlatertosaythattheyoungmanwasonhiswayhomebutwouldprobablybespendingtherestofhislifeinaninstitution.Tom,hetoldme,hadbeenabrilliantstudentwhograduatedwithhonors.

OneeveningrecentlyIdecidedtoseeifIcouldlearnhowthepasttwentyyearshadtreatedTom.IfoundDr.Wallinretirementatthe

college.HewaspleasedtotellmethatTomhadregainedhishealth,isveryhappy,andworksasalegalaideinalargelawfirm.Iwonderifheremembershis"dream"plan.

AfterspendingthefewhourswithTomandlearningfirsthandhowthewarwasdestroyinggreatminds,Ibecamemoredeterminedthanevertocometotheaidofreturnedveterans.WefirstlearnedofPrivateEdHallwhenmenofMichael'sunitbegantowriteanddropbyforvisitswhentheyreturnedstateside.Atthattime,theprivatewasservingatwo-and-a-half-yearsentenceasaresultofhisbehaviorfollowingtheincidentthatkilledMichael.

WegotinvolvedinEd'scasewiththeconvictionthatwewouldrightanotherwrong.WewrotetohimatFortLeavenworth,Kansas,thenmadearrangementstoseehimwhileonatriptoKansasCitytovisitourchildren,MaryandJohn,atRockhurstCollege.

Wecalledaheadtoconfirmourvisitforteno'clockSaturdaymorning.Arrivingearly,wespentthirtyminutesdrivingaroundthefort.Thegroundswerebeautiful,eventhoughtheWarCollegefortheArmywaslocatednexttothefederalprison.Thehomesoftheofficerswerebuiltofredbrick,andthestreetswerelinedwithmassiveoaktrees.Thefortwasestablishedasanearlywesternmilitaryoutpostin1827andnamedafteritsfirstcommander,ColonelHenryLeavenworth.

Asweenteredthereceptionhall,anofficertoldusthattheyoungsoldierwecametoseehadbeenputinsolitaryconfinementthedaybeforeandwouldnotbeallowedvisitors.GeneandIhadgonemanymilesoutofourway.Themeninchargehadplentyoftimetonotifyusofthischange.WetoldtheofficerthatweintendedtoseeHall,thenwedroppedthenameofourfavoritesenator,HaroldHughes,whowasservingontheArmedServicesCommittee.Theofficerrelented.

BeforemeetingPrivateHallweaskedtoseeapsychiatristfamiliarwithhiscase.JohnandMaryhadcomealong,Johnwithabeardandlonghair,Marywithplate-sizedsunglasses.Thedoctorkeptreferringto"today'syoungpeople"andhowdifficulttheyweretohandleandunderstand,whilecastingsuspiciousglancesatouroffspring.Iassuredhimthatwelikedyoungpeoplefoundthemintelligent,informed,andwellbehaved.WetriedtoconvincehimthatEdHallneededcounseling,notimprisonment,andaskedwhynoonewas

helpinghim.Unfortunately,thetimewespentwiththepsychiatristwasatotalwaste.

Wedidn'thaveanytroubleunderstandingHallorhisattitude.He'dgrownupinatoughneighborhoodinDetroitandhadmanagedtocompletethreeyearsofhighschoolbeforegettingajobwithGeneralMotors.HedeeplyresentedbeingdraftedandsenttoVietnam.Manyblacksfacedthesameproblemsinuniformastheyhadintheoutsideworld.

Hallhadmadenoefforttoadjusttothemud,theleeches,theslime,ortohumpingeverythingeverywhere,insteadofgoingbyhelicoptersashesawotherunitsgo.Hewassmall,andhispackwasalwaystooheavy.

DuringourmanyvisitstoEdHallwespentmostofthetimetalkingabouttheincidentthatkilledMichaelandputHallinjail.TheFebruary17missionbeganearlyinthemorning,andmuchofthetimethesoldierswadedthroughwaist-deepricepaddiesinfestedwithleeches.Theywereforcedtohumpextraammofortheartillery.Hallseemedtoslipandfallmorethantheothermen,andwithhisextraloadhehadtobehelpedup.

PrivateHallfelloncetoooftenandhadenduredallthederisionhecould.Helostcontrol,threwhispackdown,andrefusedhisofficer'scommandtomove.HetoldushowMichael,hisonlywhitefriendinCharlieCompany,steppedbetweenhimandtheangryofficer,putHall'sextrapackonhisownback,andcontinuedtoshieldtheerrantprivateuntiltheyduginforthenight.

WhenHallawoketothecarnageoffallingshrapnel,hefoundhislonefrienddyingandthemanonhisothersidescreaminginagony.Heleanedagainstatreeandretched.Uponlearningafewminuteslaterthattheirownartilleryhadshelledthem,hehadtoberestrainedfrom

harmingtheforwardobserver.

Hetoldushowhebroodedfordays;theonlysoldierwhocouldhavehelpedhimwasdead.Hedidn'tknowhewentberserkuntilhewokeupseveraldayslater,inahospitalbedandunderarrest.TheytoldhimthathehadfiredonVietnamesericefarmers,thrownhandgrenades,pulledagunonthesergeantwhohadreplacedMichael,andstruckanofficer.Helearnedthatithadtakenseveralmentosubduehim,andindoingsohehadbeenoversedated,causinghishearttostop.

Hallhadacopyofhiscourt-martial,whichhegavetomeononeofourvisits.Itookithomeandporedoveritfordays.Ireadthatthepretrialinvestigationhadtakenonlyonedayandthatthetrialitselflastedlessthanfourhours.Theincidentthatkilledtwoandwoundedtenmenwasnotmentionedduringthetrial.WehadalreadyaskedforaninvestigationofMichael'sdeathbeforeHallcametotrialandfeltthatthisinfluencedtheoutcome.GeneandIenlistedthehelpofMichiganSenatorPhilipHart,andHallwasgivenanewmilitaryattorneytoinvestigatewhythefirstlawyerhadnotprobedintothecauseofHall'serraticbehavior.

Hallwaseventuallydischarged.TwoorthreeyearslaterhecalledusfromNewOrleans.Hesaidhewasintroublewithhiswifeshe'dlefthimandhewantedtocometoIowaandstaywithus.HewasstilllivingwithproblemsthatfollowedhimfromVietnam,sowetoldhimnottocome.Wehadspenthourstryingtocounseldisturbedveteranswhomadetheirwaytoourhome.Someresponded,butmanydidn'tseemtobenefitfromthesevisits.WeknewwecouldnotdealwithEdHall.

PrivateHallhadbeenagreatstoryteller.Duringourvisitstotheprisonwespentourtimeinthecourtyard,acomfortablerecreationgroundfurnishedwithpicnictablesandbenches.Visitorsgatheredtherefromallpartsofthecountry.Whitesalwaysseemedtobeintheminority,greatlyoutnumberedbyblacks.OneSundayafternoon,alargepartyofblacksenjoyedapicnic.Pealsoflaughterfilledtheair,andthemoodwasveryupbeat.EdtoldushappilythattheoldermaninthegrouphadcometoLeavenworthinhisprivatejettotakehissonhome.ThefatherwasaprominentcriminalattorneyinSt.Louis.Hissonhadbeencourt-martialedinVietnamforrapingthemadamofawhorehouseinSaigon.Thesentencewasthreeyearsofhardlabor,butithadtakenthefatheronlyafewweekstofreehisson.

Whileweateourlunch,Hallpointedtoacellwindowoffinthedistance."Seethatsoldierinthebarredwindow,"hesaid."Hehasquiteapast."

AsanAirForcemajor,theprisonerhadbeencommandpilotforEllsworthBunker,U.S.ambassadortoVietnam.He'dbeenapprehendedatTanSonNhutAirBaseoutsideSaigonwith$8millionworthofheroininhisaircraftand$25,000incash.Atthattime,Halltoldus,Bunker'swifewastheAmericanambassadortoThai-

land.Becausethepilotflewthereweekends,itwasveryconvenientforhiscrewtocarryonlucrativedrugoperations.

ThemenatLeavenworthparticularlyenjoyedthestoryofthemajor,asitreinforcedtheirbeliefthattheentirestructureofthewarhadbeencorrupted.(IlaterlearnedthatBunker'swife,CarolC.Laise,wasactuallyU.S.ambassadortoNepal.)Everyveteranhadhisownspecialstoryofcorruption.Manytoldofbeingintroducedtomarijuanaforthefirsttimebytheirofficers.Otherstoldhowtheirlockerswerelootedatbasecampwhilethegruntswereinthefield.Theblackmarketflourished.

Aswelefttheprisononeafternoon,wenoticedayoungwomanwaitingforacitybus.Shewassobbingquietly.Iapproachedherandaskedifwecouldbeofhelp.Shesaidshewaswaitingforthebusintotown,soweofferedheraridetohermotel.BetweensobsMariatoldusherstory.

Herhusband,Richard,hadbeenintheserviceforfouryears,mostofitspentinGermanywhereheworkedasachaplain'sassistant.Mariahadlivedwithhimthere.TheyoungcouplewaspreparingtoreturntotheStatesfordischarge.OneeveningRichardfounditnecessarytogotohisofficeonbusiness.Onhiswayhepassedthroughthebarracksandencounteredagroupofsoldiers.Suddenly,MPsrushedinandarrestedthestartledyoungmanwhiletheentiregroupofsoldiersescapedoutthewindows.

Richardwasaccusedofdealingdrugsandafterashortcourt-martialproceedingwassentencedtothreeyearsofhardlabor.Thechaplainhadtriedtohelphisformerassistantbuthadbeenthwartedateveryturn.HewastransferredtotheStatesbeforehecouldtestifyinRichard'sbehalf.

Mariainsistedherhusbandwasinnocent.Shehadriddenabusfrom

NewYorkCityandwasexhausted.Wesuggestedsheridehomewithus,restforafewdays,andcontinueonhertriptoNewYork.ShewantedtoacceptourinvitationbutsaidshehadtoreturntotheprisonSundayandwouldletusknowatthattime.Thenextdaywetookherbacktotheprisontomeetherhusband.Theysatatatableacrossthecourtyard;helookedoveratusandnoddedhisassent.

WeleftSundayeveningforthefive-hourridehome.DuringthetripshetoldusaboutherlifeasaPuertoRicangrowingupinaNewYorkCityghetto.SheandRichardfellinloveasteenagersandmarriedyoung.Theywerebothambitious.Beforehewentintothearmy

hewastheownerofasuccessfulhouse-paintingbusiness.Neitherofthemhadeverbeenintrouble.They'dbeendevastatedbytheaccusationsleadingtothecourt-martial.Shesaidtheonlyconclusionherhusbandcoulddrawwasthathemayhaveunwittinglyuncoveredadrugringledbyhiscommandingofficer.

WhenwegottothefarmIsuggestedtoMariathatshetakeahotbathwhileIfixedhersomethingtoeat.Ilaterputhertobedwithacupofhotchocolate.SherestedalldayMonday.OnTuesdaywetookhertoWaterlooandputheronthebusforNewYorkandtheBronx.Sayinggood-byewaslikesendingoneofourowndaughtersofftoschool.

Victimsofmilitaryjusticeenteredourlivesregularlymanyforonlyafewbriefmoments,andthentheywerelostforever.OnMay18Iwroteherashortletter:

DearMaria:

Wewatchedtheclockthismorningandheavedasighofreliefwhenitwas11A.M.,yourtime12noon,andrealizedyouwerebackinthecity.

TodayItalkedtoanaideinSenatorHart'soffice,andtheyassuredmetheywouldbeabletohelpEdHall.Itoldthemwewouldhireanattorney,ifnecessaryhisaideurgedusnottoandreassuredmetheywouldtakecareofeverything.

AftertalkingtoHart'sofficeandfindingthemreceptivetomyrequesttohelpEdHall,IbegantothinkaboutyourRichard.I'dsuggestyouwritetoSenatorJacobJavits,evenifhecouldgetafewweeksoffthethree-yearsentence,itwouldenableyoutostartworkingforanHonorableDischarge.

Today,IdroppedapostcardtoyourRichard,tellinghimthatwehadputyouonthebustoreturnhome.

Itwasnicemeetingyou,andmaybethenexttimewemeetyourlifeandworldwillbebacktonormal.

PegMullen

OnMay21wereceivedafinalwordfromMaria:

DearMrs.Mullen:

Imustapologizeformydelay.Pleasedon'tthinkI'mungratefulorforgetful.It'sjustthatI'vebeensoverybusyfromtheminuteIarrivedinN.Y.AsyourememberIamstayingwithRichard's

sister.Anyway,IcalledhomeassoonasIarrivedandlearnedthatherbabyhadbeenbornanhourafterIleftforKansasCity.

Thetripwasn'ttoobadandIfoundaniceladywhomadethetripwithme.It'shardbecauseI'mconstantlythinkingofRichardandImisshimmorethanever.I'vereallyneverbeenabletobelieveoracceptwhathashappened.It'sjustabadnightmareandIhaven'tawakened.Iliveinafantasyworld.ItrytofaceuptomyproblemsasbestasIcan.

Iseethatyou'vegonetoworkforMr.Hall.I'mgladandI'msurehewillalwaysbegratefultoyouandMr.Mullen.It'sreallyawonderthattherearepeoplelikeyou.

AsformydilemmaIwilljustsitandwait.IfbyAugusttheyhaven'tdoneanythingforRichardthenIwillgetintouchwithyou,andwe'llseewhatcanbedone.Idon'twanttostirthingsupunlessIhavenochoice.I'vewaitedthislongsomightaswellholdonalittlewhilelonger.I'msureyouwillagree.

Onceagainthankyouforyourhelpandunderstanding.ItwasawonderfulexperiencemeetingyouandIhopewecanmeetagain.

Sincerely,Maria

Nine:IGotoSeethePresidentInlateFebruary1971,whenanannouncementcamefromtheWhiteHousethatPresidentNixonwouldattendafarmconferenceinDesMoinesandaddressthelegislature,IowaaRepublicanstateintheBibleBeltwasalreadyinastateofanger.MostIowans,indeedmostmidwesterners,hadtheirfillofsixyearsofbrokenpromisesfromtheirpresident.Farmerswereunhappywiththefarmpolicy,andlaborwastiredofitsbashingatthehandsoftheadministration.MothersenragedovercontinuationofthewarinVietnamwerebackedbythousandsofstudentsmakingtheirvoicesheardoncampusesacrossthestate.

PlanswerelaidbyallthegroupstoamassinDesMoinestoprotestagainstthepresident,amanwhocampaigned,andwon,in

1968onaplatformtobringanendtotheVietnamWar.Organizedlaborhadtheiragenda,asdidtheFarmer'sUnionfromSouthDakota,NorthDakota,Nebraska,andMinnesota,whosememberscameincharteredbuses.TheFarmer'sUnionwasjoinedbybusloadsoftheNationalFarmer'sOrganizationfromthelowermidwesternstates.TheMothersforPeaceandstudentsacrossthestateofIowacarefullyplannedtheirstrategy.

Ontheeveofthepresident'svisit,IreceivedacallfromayoungstatesenatorwhotoldmethathewasplanningtointerruptNixon'sspeechatthecapitolandattempttopresenthimwithasignedpetitionforanimmediateendtotheVietnamWar.Iaskedhimwhyhehadcalledmeandparticularlywhyhehadexposedhisplanoverthetelephone.HerespondedthatIwastheonlyonehehadcalled.Iquicklytoldhimofoursuspicionsthatourphonewastapped.Withinanhourafterhiscall,theFBImovedinonthesenatorandwarnedhimthatifhemadetheslightestmoveduringthepresident'sspeechhewouldbeforcefullyremovedfromthecapitolchambers.Thiscertainlybolsteredtheclaimthatourtelephonehadbeentapped.Nixon'sparanoiahadreareditsuglyheadintheheartlandoftheUSA.

Formypartintheprotest,Ipreparedasignthatread:''55,000dead,300,000wounded,myson,justone."Aclosefriend,SisterMaryRichard,aNotreDamenunwhotaughtatourlocalparochialschool,camefordinnerthenightbeforeourtriptoDesMoines.Wespenttheeveningworkingonmyposter.Igaveherthewords;shedidtheartwork.Theposterwaslarge,4x6feet,andwouldbeungainlytocarry.Wereinforcedthebackbygluingonseveralhandlesfromsix-packbeercartons.Theextrahandleswouldgivememoresecurity.

Whileweworked,thetwoofusspeculatedaboutwhethertherewouldbeacrowdandrememberedthatonlyoneyearagoMichael'sstilledbodyhadcomehome.TherewerenoSecretServiceagentstoguard

thepreciouscargo,andtherewerenomassesofpeopletogreethisreturn.

EarlyonMondaysixofus,threemothersandthreestudents,leftforDesMoinesbycar.Whenwereachedthestatehouselawn,Iwaselatedandamazedatthenumberofpeoplethatemptiedoutofthebusesandcarstojointheswellingcrowdonthecapitolgrounds.Tome,thecrowdappearedtobemostlymiddle-aged.Therewerefarmersandunionmemberswiththeirspouses.Andthereweremothersofallages,someclosetoseventy-fiveyearsofage.Atlastwehada

Thisphotographaccompaniedafront-pagestoryonPresidentNixon'svisittoDesMoinesintheUniversityofIowastudentnewspaperonMarch2,1971.PhotobyDianeHypes,reprintedwithpermissionof

theDailyIowan,©1994.

groupofconcernedfathersandmotherswhowerejoiningtheirsonsanddaughtersinprotest.Withacrowdestimatedatseveralthousand,itwasprobablythelargestprotestofthiskindeverheldinthestate.

Ofcourse,Irealizedthatmanyinthecrowdwerenotthereprimarilytoprotestthewar,buttheirpresencedidgivemeafeelingofsecurity.IfeltitwouldbedifficultforNixon,thepress,andtheSecretServicetoignorethisgray-hairedmassofMiddleAmericans.Almosteveryonecarriedasign.Wehadreadforyearsabouttheobsceneposterscarriedintheantiwarmarches,butthemessagesappearingonthestatehouselawnthatdaywentbeyondanythingapeacegrouphadeverproduced.

Thosecarriedbythelaborgroupwerestronglywordedandinsulting,indicatinganewresentmentofattacksonthembytheRepublicanadministration.Thefarmers'signstoldoftheiryearsofhardshipfromlowmarketprices.AndthentherewerethesignsheldhighovertheirheadsbytheMothersforPeace:''WarIsNotHealthyforChildrenandOtherLivingThings."

Irememberstandingonthestepsatthewestentranceofthecapitol,lookingdownWalnutAvenueasfarasIcouldsee,wonderingwherethepeoplewere...thepeoplethatshouldhavebeenonthestreetstogreetandwelcomethepresident.Therewasonlyascattering.I'msuremanyofthepresident'ssupportersstayedhomebecauseoftheplannedprotest.

TherideforthepresidentfromtheairporttothecapitolfollowedGrandAvenuefromwesttoeastthroughtheDesMoinesbusinessdistrict.Thencameagradualuphillclimbofseveralblockstothecapitolitself,withitsgoldendomeglisteninginthemorningsun.Asthemotorcadeapproacheditsdestination,itmusthavebeenapparenttoNixonandhispartythatthestreetswerenotcrowded.Asthepresidentiallimousinenearedthecapitol,amobofthousandsbeganto

makeitsprotestagainstthewar,singingandshoutingobscenities,surgingtowardthepresident'scar.Itwasnecessaryforthedrivertomakeasuddenchangeindirection.Hespedupanddrovequicklytowardtherearofthebuildingandintotheundergroundparking.

Suddenlytheprotestorsrealizedthatthepresidentwasgoingtobypassthem.Thecrowdpouredaroundthebuildingtotheeastentrance,buthehadalreadyenteredthebuildingandwassafeonthepodium.Thepresident,withhisusualaplomb,raisedhisvoice

abovethedinoftheshoutingmobanddeliveredhismessagetothestatelegislatureandfriends.

MostofusremembertheVietnamcry:"One,two,three,four!Wedon'twantyourfuckingwar."AsmanytimesasI'dmarched,Icouldnotbringmyselftoutterthefavoritefour-letterwordtodescribethewar.Iwonderedwhethertheremightbeanother,moreacceptable,termthatcouldbeapplied.Butwhenaveryelderlywomannexttometurnedandasked,"Isn'tthisjustterrible?"Iheardmyselfshout,abovethenoiseofthecrowd,"You'refuckingright.''Iattributethatoutbursttomobpsychology.Ineverbecamecomfortablewiththewordanddidnotuseitagain.

AsNixonemergedfromtheeastsideofthecapitol,Ifearedthathewouldgointohisarm-waving"Eisenhowergreeting"andthathemightevenflashthepeacesign,ashe'ddonerecentlyinCalifornia.Whenheraisedhisarminsalute,awaveofprotestrolledacrossthegrounds,fillingtheairforblocksaround.Ikeptaskingmyself:"Isthisactuallyhappening?IsthisthepresidentoftheUnitedStateswhoisbeingbooed?"

Nixonbroughtdownhisrightarmanddroppedtohishaunchesashecarefullymadehiswaydownthesteps,completelycoveredbyhisSecretServicemenuntilhewassafelyinthecar.Thescenewillremainwithmeforever.Asthecarhurriedawayfromthecrowd,itwaspeltedwithsnowballs.Thepresidentlaterdescribedtheincidenttothepressas"allingoodfun."

Mygrouptookitstimeleavingthecapitolgrounds,andwewalkedslowlytoourcarseveralblocksaway.InsteadofdrivingbacktoWaterloo,wedecidedtogodowntowntotheHotelFortDesMoines,wherethefarmconferencewasinsession.Whenwearrivedwefoundtheentireblockfacingthehotelentrancelinedwithpeopleofallages.Itappearedthateachpersonhadhisorherownprivatemessageheld

highonaplacard.

Irememberseeinganambulanceanditscrewstandinginreadinessclosetothehotel,andIwondered,"Whathavewebecomeinthiscountrywhenanambulancehastostandinwaitingwhilethepresidentmakesanappearance?"

Fearingarepeatofthesceneatthecapitol,thelocalpolicehadlinedupcitybuses,nose-to-rear,foroneblockoneithersideofthestreet,sothatNixon'slimousinewasabletodrivethroughthecorridorinsafety.ThecrowdswelledacrossTenthStreetandintothenext

block.Thechantsechoedandre-echoedand,I'msure,musthavepenetratedthewallsoftheconferenceroominsidethehotel.

TheyoungpeoplewerenotaloneeverywhereIturnedwerefathersandmothers.Themenworeshorthaircuts.Thewomenweregray-haired,andseveralworeblackveilsofmourning.Ivisitedwithtwosturdygrandmothers.

Wewereunlikelyparticipantsinsuchademonstration.Isupposeweshouldhavebeenflatteredthatthepresslaterreportedusastwenty-year-olds.AsIstoodvisitingwithafriend,aprofessor'swifewhohadcomewithmefromCedarFalls,wesuddenlyfoundourselvespushedtothecorneroftheTenthStreetintersection.Wenoticedaflurryofactivityamongthetelevisioncrews,andinstantlytheairwasfilledwithwhiteobjects.Thenithappened.Aflyingwedgeofpolicebegantomoveintotheedgeofthecrowd,andIrememberthinking,"IsthishowitwasatKentState?"

InaninstantImadeplanstoprotectmyself,andasIlookedupIfacedalineofpolicecomingtowardmewithalengthof2x4lumberasawedge,shoutingorderstomoveback.Standingwithastreetbarricadeatmyback,Iwasn'tsurethatIwantedtomove.Iputmysignupbothforprotectionandindefianceandfoundmyselffightingforasquareofcardboardthatsomehowhadbecomeveryprecioustome.

Withoutwarning,Iwasinhand-to-handcombatwithaplain-clothesofficer.Whenherealizedthatnopoweronearthcouldtakethesignfromme,heraisedhisrightarmhighandcamedownacrossmyfacewithhiselbow.Hebeganclubbingmewithhisnightstick,andonlythestreetbarricadebehindmekeptmefromfallingtothepavement.AtonepointduringtheconfrontationInoticedalivemicrophoneheldclosetomyface.Ilookedup,muttering,"Oh,no."Ayoungreporterasked,"AreyouPeg?"andwhenInodded,hewithdrew,tellingmenottoworry.Soontwoyoungstudentmarshalscametohelpmemake

aretreat.Iremembershoutingatthegentlemanwhograppledwithmethatnexttimetherewouldbeathousandmotherswithme,notjustone!Mysigncamehomeintact.

DuringthestruggleIhadn'tbeenoverlyconcernedwiththeman'sflyingfistsandelbows,butthemadnessinhiseyessearedintomymind.Committedtotheprotectionofthepresident,I'msurehecouldhavekilledinthelineofduty.Butiftheofficerhadlostcontrol,IknewthatI,too,hadallowedmyselftoreachhislevel.Thehatethathesawinmyfaceandeyeswasprobablyequaltohis.

AsIretreatedfromthemelee,Iwatchedacameramanbeingclubbedbytwomen,whileanothersmashedeverypieceofhisequipment.Hisfatherwasanactivistintheantiwarmovementandafriendofmine.IturnedtolookformyfriendfromCedarFallsand,tomyhorror,sawherbeingdraggedbyherlonghairdownthestreetonherback.ThenfourmenrushedoutoftheFirestoneagency,struggledwithherattackers,pickedupthebedraggledwoman,andtookherintotheirbuilding.Shesufferednoinjuries,butherdignitywasbadlybruised.

Itwasalmostanhourbeforetheropesandbarricadeswereremovedsowecouldgotoourcars.Amiddle-agedwomanwascirculatingamongtheangrystudentsandmothers,passingoutliteratureandtellingusthatwemustreturntoGodonlyhecouldrightthewrongs.HerliteraturewarnedabouttheevilsofCommunism.IsuggestedtoherthatperhapsweshouldfightCommunismathome,ratherthaninIndochina,andthatmaybeweshouldstartinthePentagon.Sheregardedmewithapuzzledlook."WhatandwhereisthePentagon?"

Aswewalkedtotheparkinglot,Ifoundmyselfface-to-facewithDanRather,thenassignedtotheWhiteHousebeat,whowaswaitingoutsidetheHotelFortDesMoinesforthepresidenttoemerge.Ilookedathimindisgustandasked,"Howcanyoutravelwiththisman?"

"Lady,doyouthinkIenjoyit?"heresponded.

Thenationalmediaingeneralgavelittlecoveragetothemassiveprotest.Duringtheepisodeonthecapitolgroundsthecorrespondentshadsomehowbeenlockedintheirpressbus.AsIwatchedthembeatingonthewindowswithfists,evenshoes,inanattempttoescape,Idesperatelywishedforacameratorecordthishumoroussceneinaworldofmadnessthatsurroundedthepresident'sappearanceinDesMoines,Iowa,March1,1971.

Onourdrivehome,anolderwomaninourgroupkeptrepeatingthattheconfrontationhadrecalledthenightmareshehadlivedthroughthirtyyearsbeforeinGermany,withtheclub-swingingIowapolicetakingontheimageofHitler'sdreadedSS.Shelatertoldmethatshehadspenttheentirenextdaycryinghysterically.Theyoungpeoplewithusshruggeditoffas"typicalNixon."Indeed,thepresidenthimselfremarkedtothepressthateveningthatithadallbeen"aboutparforthecourse."

Ten:TheDraft"I'mwritingasonemothertoanother,butwithagreatdifferenceyoursonacceptedhis'duty'anddiedforit.Mysonisrefusingtoacceptit."Thewriterquotedheryoungestson:"Mom,IhavegiventhisconsiderablethoughtbelievemeandIcanonlycometooneconclusion.Iwillhavenothing,Irepeat,nothingtodowithourmilitarysystemasitstandsnow.Ilovemycountry...Iwouldfighttodeathtodefenditifwewereinvaded,buthowcanIpickupagunandshootsomeonewhomeansmenoharm?"Sheendedherletter,"WhatdoIsaytoadraftdodger?WhatcanIasamotherdo?''

EveryletterIreceivedwasansweredinmyownhandwriting.ThoughIdidn'tkeepcopiesofmyreplies,I'venodoubthowIan-

sweredthistroubledmother.I'mcertainItoldhermyregretfornothavingshownMichaelhowtoevadethedraft.Ihopethatwhenshelooksbackonthewarshestillsupportsherson'sdecisiontodefendhimselffrombeingsacrificed.Becausehemadethatchoice,heisalivetoday.

JohnMahonwritesinhisbookHistoryoftheMilitiaandtheNationalGuard:"EarlyintheUnitedStatesinvolvementinVietnam,PresidentJohnsondecidednottomobilizethereservesandtorelyondrafteestofightinAsia.InmakingthisdecisionheoverruledbothSecretaryMcNamaraandtheJointChiefsofStaffwhowantedtoorderatleast200,000reservistsintofederalservice."

OneofthemajorreasonsforJohnson'sdecisionwastoconcealfromtheAmericanpeoplethehighlevelofmilitarycommitmentthenationwasmakinginadistantland.Mahonstates:"BecausetheNationalGuardwasscarcelyusedinVietnam,itbecamearefugeformenwhosoughttoescapebeingdraftedintothatwar.ThewarinVietnamwasoverforGuardsmenbymid-June1969,fouryearsbeforethelastAmericantroopsleftthearea."

DuringthelongyearsoftheVietnamWarthedraftloomedominouslyforeveryAmericanmaleasheapproachedhiseighteenthbirthday.Itwasalwaysthere,standingsquarelybetweenhimandhisfutureplans.InMichael'scase,thoseplanshadinvolvedagriculturalresearch.Atageeighteen,hebelievedthecountrysoonwouldnolongerbeabletofeeditsstandardgrainstolivestockthatbytheyear2000itwouldbecomenecessarytousethemalltofeedtheworld'sstarvingmasses.

Draftboardsineachcountywereappointed,andinmanycases,theseappointmentswerepolitical.Theboardmembers,usuallymen,oftenfounditdifficulttobetotallyunbiasedmanyweretemptedwithbribesorpleasfromclosefriendswhosesonsweresubjecttothedraft.In1970thechairmanofourcountydraftboard,aprofessoratthe

UniversityofNorthernIowa,hadfourdraft-agesons.Allofthemwereoccupationallydeferredtoteachschool,eventhoughtherewasnoshortageofteachers.Oneofhissonstaughtinourlocalschoolandwasheardtoboastthathedidn'tworryaboutthedraft.

OnMay5,1970,thesister-in-lawofanIowansoldierwroteme:"Myhusband'sbrotherisnowinCambodiawiththe1stAirCavalry.HewasdraftedbyBuchananCounty...afterseveralmonthsofprotestbecauseofhisfather'sheartcondition.Hewasdoingallthe

farmworkandwasthesolesupportofhisfamily."TheyoungmanhadbeendraftedApril1,1969,andhisfatherdiedthefollowingday.Still,hereceivednodeferment.ThedrafteewaswoundedinNovemberandreturnedtoactiononChristmasDay.OnemonthlateranewsitemappearedintheWaterlooCourier:

FairbankAruralFairbanksoldierservinginCambodiahasbeenkilledinaction,accordingtowordreceivedbyhisfamily.

Mrs.MaryClaytonsaidThursdayshehadreceivedwordthathersonhadbeenfatallywoundedwhenhisarmyunitencounteredenemyoppositionintheCambodiancampaign.

HisfatherdiedApril2,1969,thedayafterhissonwasdrafted.

Spec.Clayton,...agrenadelaunchcarrier,wasa1967JesupHighSchoolgraduateandattendedHawkeyeTechnicalInstituteinWaterloobeforehewasdrafted.HehadbeeninVietnamsincelastSeptemberandwasrecentlysentintoCambodia.

TheBuchananCountydraftboardwastypicalofruralmidwesterndraftboards,whichwereobsessedwithfillingmonthlyquotas.Elsewhereinthecountry,manystatesmadenoattempttofillthem.California,forexample,neversurpassed60percent.Tomakeupforconscriptionshortfallsinthosestates,itwasnecessarytodraftvigorouslyelsewhere,principallyintheFarmBelt,thecityghettos,andAppalachia.ThedeathcountfromthestatesofIowaandWestVirginiastoodingrimtestimonytothisfact.ThefinaldeathcountforIowawas852andforWestVirginia,731.

WhilewaitingforMichael'sbodywedrovetoBuchananCountytovisitamotherwhohadjustlostason.Shewasonwelfareandlivinginstarkpoverty.Therewasnoevidenceoffoodbeingbroughtinbyfriendsandrelatives;incontrast,ourcommunityfedusfortendays.Shehadbeenabandonedinhersorrow.Theboyshewastoburythe

nextdaywasthethirdofhersonstobesenttoVietnam.Astearsstreameddownherface,shetoldofprayingherfirsttwoboyshomesafely.Butwhenherthirdsonwasdrafted,shesaid,shecouldpraynolonger,andthushewasabandonedtodie.Lookingforarayoflightinhershatteredlife,shetoldusthedraftboardchairmanhadcalledtosaytheywouldnotdraftherremainingson.IwassoenragedIhadtoleavethisstrickenmother.

Asthewardraggedonitbecamecommonfordraftboardstobendrulesandoverlookanamehereandthere.Morestatesfellshort

ofquotas,asitbecameimpossibletoreachthem.Draftcounselingbecameavailableatmostpublicuniversitiesandprivatecampuses.Michael'sundergraduatecollege,aprivateschoolwhichreceivedsupportfromwarindustriesinMissouri,didnotoffercounseling.

By1969,becauseoftheuproarovertheunfairnessofthedraftcomingfromcollegestudentswhocouldnotplanfortheirfutureandthepoorwhocouldn'tescapethedraft,theU.S.governmentchangedtoalotterysystem.Theorderofinductiondependedonthechancedrawingofbirthdates.Thosewithlownumbersweresubjecttoinduction,allowingtheluckyoneswithhighnumberstogoonwiththeirlives.

Oftenyoungmenwhohadbeenreceivingcollegedefermentsweredrafted.Becausethewardraggedonfortenyears,manyofthem,afterfourorfiveyearsofdeferment,foundthemselvesinthelineoffireas1stlieutenantsfacingafour-yearstintintheservice.Manyweremadeplatoonleadersanddiedbythehundreds.Thosewhodeclinedadvancedtrainingweresentimmediatelytothejunglewithnoconsiderationoftheirqualifications.Theirchancesforsurvivalwereslim.

InApril1970adistressedyoungcollegestudentwrotethathewaswellawareofthedraftbecausehehadlosthisstudentdeferment.Hewasnotalone.Hisroommatecamefromafarm,and"hisnumberinthedraftlotterymeanshe'llbegonebyJune...tobecomecannonfodder."Headdedthatmanyotherswouldeventuallysubmit,swallowedupbywordslikeduty,honor,andcountry.Heclosedhisremarkableletterbytellingmethathewasnot"aradical,yippie,hippie,oranyofthoseotherstereotypedphrases.IjustrelishmyrightsandfreedomsGod-givennotNixon-given."

Promotionsforthedrafteebearingthebruntofthewarfarewerealmostnonexistentadvancementsweregiventoenlistedarmy

personnel,manysafeattheirdesksattherear.Thesemenneededtoberewardedsotheywouldcontinuetoserve.Drafteeswereanxioustoputtheirservicebehindthemandcouldn'tbecountedontore-enlist.OnJanuary16,1970,Michaelwrotemethathewasbeingmadeplatoonsergeant.Hewasgrowingbitter."Thebullshitisgettingworse,"hesaid,"almostasbadasstateside."

Whenhedied,Ideterminedfromtheamountofhisfinalpayvoucherthathehadnot,infact,beenpromotedbuthadservedinthecapacityofactingplatoonsergeantforafewweeks,pendingthearrivalofasergeantwithmoreservicetime.Weweresomewhat

amusedwhen,afterwe'dcomplainedabouttheinadequatecompensationhe'dreceivedforhislasteighteendays,hewasposthumouslypromotedtoplatoonsergeant.

Thereweremanywaystoobtaindeferments.Thecountrywasfullofdoctorswhoconsideredthewarimmoralandwerewillingtofalsifymedicalrecords.InMichael'scase,hewasbesetwithallergieshe'dacquiredfromworkingwithwhiteratsinresearch.Theweekbeforehisinductionphysical,hevisitedthephysicianwhohadtakencareofhimsincehewastwoyearsold.

Thedoctor,whohadworkedataninductioncenterduringWorldWarII,toldhimhe'dhavenoproblems.Withhisnoticeableallergies,noonewouldgivehimacleanbillofhealth.Butthered-rimmedwateryeyesanddrippynosewentunnoticedbytheexaminingdoctorattheinductioncenter,andMichaelhadnowrittenstatementfromhispersonalphysician.

OneyoungmanfromNewJerseywhohaddrawnalownumberinthelotteryhadbetterluckwhenhewentforhisphysical.Accordingtohissister,alocaldoctorhadplacedtheyoungmanonagrapefruitandvitamindiet,andhisweightdroppedfrom140to115pounds.Onhearingthathehadfailedhisphysical,shewrote,thefamilyhadthebiggest,loudest,andmosttearfulcelebrationtheyeverhad.

Someyoungmenwereabletoobtainconscientiousobjectorstatus.Unfortunately,thisstatusdidnotalwayskeepthemfromtherigorsofcombat.Manyofthemservedasmedicsinthefield,performingheroicactsinrescuingwoundedmenunderfire,tendingthedying,andsometimesgivingtheirownlives."Idon'tknowwhyI'mwriting"ayoungmanfromWestVirginiabeganhisletter:

IwasraisedinasmalltownintheindustrialOhioValley...andbelievedthatweshouldbeinVietnamtofightfordemocracy.Then,KentState.

Thenithitme.

IwastoldbythelocaldraftboardthatIdidn'thavetheback-groundtoapplyasaconscientiousobjector,althoughIknewthatIcouldnotkill.

Followinggraduation,Iwasdrafted.Imadealast-minute,thoughsincere,pleaforconscientiousobjectorstatus.Mywillingnesstoperformalternateservicepersuadedmydraftboardtoapprove[it].Itwasnotaneasydecision,norwasthealternateservice

aneasytask.Oneco-workereventoldmethatmydeskjobwasn'tpunishmentenoughforwhatIhaddone.

AmotherwhohadraisedhersixchildrenasJehovah'sWitnessesintheSmokyMountainsinTennesseewrotemeconcerningheroldestson:

Hecamebeforethedraftboardandgaveascripturalreasonfornotgoingtowar.Hewasnoweakling.Ittookcouragetostandbeforeacourtroomfullofpeopleandmakeadefenseforhislife.HedidnotrunofftoCanada.

HewassentencedtotwoyearsinprisoninTallahassee,Florida.SoifitisanyconsolationoneoftheJehovah'sWitnessesdidnotshootyourson,Michael.

InequitiesintheSelectiveServiceSystemcausedbitternessamongneighbors,friends,andevenfamilies.OnewomanfromCedarRapids,Iowa,wroteusinApril1970complainingofunfairnessintheSelectiveServiceprocess.Shesaidherson,aninfantryman,wasstillhavingnightmaresabouthisVietnamexperience.Meanwhile,severalotherlocalfamilieshadsenttheirsonstocollege,wheretheygotteachingcertificates."Iguessitwouldn'tseemsobadifeveryone'felt'thecostofthewar,"sheadded."OnlytwohousesawaypeoplemaynotknoworcarethatyouhaveasoninVietnam.The'war'doesnottouchthem.Otherswhohavesonsofmilitaryagedon'tevenseemconcernedwehavemanytimesfeltsodesperatelyalone."

Onlyacorruptsystemwouldcountenancesuchinequities.Bytheendofthewar,publicsentimentagainstthedrafthadgrownsostrongthatthegovernmentwasforcedtoseekalternatives.Theresultwasanall-volunteerarmyundertheleadershipofGeneralWilliamWestmoreland.Thefeasibilityofanall-volunteerarmycameunderseriousconsiderationasthecountryfacedunknownoddsinthePersianGulf.Therewasconcernoverourabilitytobackupthe

regularforcesandreservesintheeventofgreatlosses.However,theDefenseDepartmentandWhiteHousewereadamantintheirdecisiontoriskitwithvolunteers.

HadtherebeenadraftinoperationduringthePersianGulfcampaign,Ibelievetherewouldhavebeenamassiveoutcryagainstourinvolvement.Therewouldhavebeenalotlessflag-wavingandpatri-

oticposturinghadanotherwholegenerationofAmericansbeensuddenlyplacedatrisk.Asithappened,onlyaverysmallnumberofouryoungmenandwomenwereinvolved,and,inmostinstances,ithadbeentheirchoicetogo.Onlyaminutesegmentofourpopulationwasdirectlyaffected.

InMarch1974Imadeapleaforunconditionalamnestyfordraftevaders.Thepreviousmonth,IhadreceivedacallfromIowaCongressmanEdwardMezvinsky,invitingmetotestifyathearingstobeheldMarch6,11,and13byasubcommitteeoftheHouseJudiciaryCommittee.Theinvitationdidn'tsurpriseme.Ihadpubliclyexpressedmyviewsregardingamnestyonseveraloccasions.Iwasflattered,butIpanickedatthethoughtofhavingtositaloneatatableinthehearingroomanddeliverastatementbeforesuchaformidablepanel.Mezvinskywouldn'ttakeno,soIyieldedandbeganmakingplanstogotoWashington.Irejectedhisoffertotravelbyplaneanddecidedonabustrip.Ihadtohavetimetorelaxandpreparemyself.ThiswastobethegreatestchallengeI'dconfrontedsinceMichael'sdeath.

Ineededaprofessionalstatement,soIwenttoC.D.B.Bryan,whowasintheprocessofwritingFriendlyFire,andaskedforhishelp.HephonedmelaterwithremarkswhichItookdowninshorthand.Afterward,BryanwasupsetbecauseIhadnotgivenhimcreditforwritingthepiece.Iremindedhimthateveryoneinpublicoffice,particularlypresidents,employedspeechwriters,andIdidn'tthinkitwaswrongnottotellthepublicthatIhadaskedforhisassistance.Ispentseveralhoursstudyingthestatement,changingawordoccasionallysoitwouldsoundlikePegMullen.IfeltitwouldhavetremendousimpactifIcoulddeliverit.

ThetriptoD.C.tooktwenty-fourhours.Forpartoftheride,IsatwithaBostonfamilywhosesonhadbeenordainedaRomanCatholicpriestthepreviousweekattheUniversityofNotreDame.Theyoung

priestagreedwholeheartedlywithmystandforamnestyandtreatedmetobreakfastat3A.M.inCleveland.Theentirefamilywishedmeluck.

IarrivedinD.C.SundayeveningandwentdirectlytotheCapitolHillHotel,whereIwasgoingtoroomwithPatSimonfromBoston.She,too,hadlostasoninVietnam.(Wehadmetpreviouslyinthepeacemovement.)ShehadtestifiedonFridayandwantedtoshareherexperiencewithme.Shesaidshe'dbeenabasketcasebythetime

sheapproachedthepanelandsatdowninfrontofthecameras.Shewasaneducatedschoolprincipalbutstillwasfrightened.

PatreturnedtoBostonearlyMonday.Laterthatmorning,IwalkedalonetothenearbyRayburnHouseOfficeBuildingandwentdirectlytothehearingroom.ThereImetFatherJohnSmith,aprofessorfromSt.AmbroseCollegeinDavenport,Iowa.CongressmanMezvinskyhaddecidedIwouldbemorecomfortableifFatherSmithsatwithmewhileItestified.IpickeduptheagendaandfoundtomyhorrorthatFatherandIwouldbethelasttoappear.Wewouldhavealongwait.

Idon'tknowhowIgotthroughthatday.AtlunchwithMezvinskyandFatherSmith,Icouldbarelyswallow.I'dalwayswantedtosampletheCapitol'sfamousbeansoup,butIhadtopushitaside.At4:30Iwasfinallycalledtotestify.IsatdownnexttoFather,comfortedsomehowbyhispresence,andwhisperedtomyself,''Michael,yougotmeintothis,andyoudamnwellbettergetmeoutofit."Thelightswereon,thecamerasrolling.Ilookeduptothepanelandbegan.

"Thankyou.Myson,MichaelMullen,waskilledfouryearsagoinVietnambyourownartillery.Hewaskilled,inmilitaryterminology,byfriendlyfireandwas,therefore,anonhostilecasualtybecauseofanartilleryincidentofficiallyreferredtoasamisadventureinawarthatwasundeclared.Hewastwenty-fiveyearsold."

Ipaused,andfromdirectlybehindmychairIheard:"Listentothisone.It'sgoingtobegreat.She'sgoingtogivethemhell."I'dworriedabouttheaudienceresponseinahearing-roomsetting,butthissmallshowofsupportwasallIneeded.Myfearandpanicmeltedaway.Icontinued.

"Now,weareanordinaryfamily.WearejustsimpleIowafarmers,andwearenothamperedorconfusedbythepoliticalconsiderations,northepoliticalmotivations,norpoliticalexpediencesthatyouare,so

wecanspeakplainly.WeknowandcanacceptwhatyoupoliticiansarestillsimplyunwillingtoadmitandthatisthatthewarinVietnamwhichtookoursonwasasenseless,terrible,tragicblunder,andnowweseethatyouwanttocompoundthismistakebypunishingfurtherthoseyoungmenwhorefusedtobedeludedbyyourwarfromthebeginning.

"Gentlemen,thewholeVietnamWarwasamisadventure.Weareallitsnonbattlecasualties.Onlythosewhohavelostsonsand

husbandsandbrothersinVietnamcanunderstandthedepthoftheanguishandthebitternessmyson'sdeathmakesmefeel.IwanttobelieveIdesperatelyneedtobelievethatmyson'slifewasnotwasted,thathediedforsomehighideal,butwhatcomforthaveyougivenme?"

Atthispointinthepresentation,Iscannedtheaudiencetotheleftandsawawomanactuallysheddingtears.AndIrealizedthatmyvoicewastheonlysoundintheroom.Itookadeepbreathandcontinued.

"IfCongressisgoingtoinsistonmisinterpretingamnestyasmeaningtopardon,thentheamnestyissuewillremaintooemotionallychargedevertoberesolved.Apardonimpliesguilt,andIwouldnomoreexpectayoungmanwhorefusedtokillinVietnam,whoseprofoundmoralandspiritualoppositiontothatwarlefthimnoalternativebuttoleavethecountry,toadmitthathewasguiltyofacrime,thanIwouldexpectCongress,thanIwouldexpectyou,whosesupportofthatwarpermittedittoendureforsolong,atsodreadfulacostinyounglives,toadmitthatit,too,wasguiltyofacrime.

"Amnesty,initsoriginalGreek,meantforgetfulness.Forgetthattheseyoungmenleftratherthanserved.Forgetthedraftinequitiesthatforcedthemtoleave.ForgettheliesandIrepeattheliestoldyoubythepresidents,thegenerals,thespokesmenfortheStateDepartmentandthePentagon.ForgetallthemoralandphilosophicaldilemmasposedbythewarinVietnamwhichtorethisnationapartforoveradozenyears.Rememberonlythis:theAmericanpeoplehavesufferedenoughbecauseofthiswar,andwewantourchildrenhome.

"Vietnam'sdilemmascannotberesolved,butonlyafoolstillbelieves'Mycountryrightorwrong.'Weallnowunderstandthatifourcountryiswrong,we,ascitizens,haveanobligationtocorrectit.Whoisthemoreloyalcitizen:theonewhoagonizesoverhisnation'spoliciesandattemptstochangethem,orisdocileacceptanceofgovernmental

policynomatterhowimmoralandmisguidedthemostacceptable,thetruermarkofaloyalcitizen?

"Ifitistheformer,thenyoucannotandmustnotpunishthoseyoungAmericancitizenswhoseunwillingnesstotakepartinthewarinVietnamwasbasedonahighsenseofallegianceandresponsibilitytoAmerica'sideals.Ifitisthelatter,ifthemarkofgoodcitizenship

isdocilesubmissiontogovernmentpolicy,thenallthoseconvictedandimprisonedandexecutedatNurembergforwarcrimesshouldhavebeenfreed.

"In1964theAmericanpeoplevotedforthatpresidentialcandidatewhomtheybelievedwouldmostswiftlybringthatwartoaclose.Sixyears,sixlongyearsbeforemyson'sdeath,anoverwhelmingmajorityoftheAmericanpeopleexpressedbythatvotethattheywishednofurtherinvolvementintheVietnamWar.IfyouinterprettheseyoungmenwhorefusedtoserveinVietnamashavingabandonedAmericainhertimeofneed,thenIaskyoudidyounotyourselves,asthedulyelectedrepresentativessubjecttothewilloftheAmericanpeople,byallowingthatwartogoonandonandon,abandonusinourtimeofneed?Whatdifferenceistherebetweenagovernmentwhichforcesitsdissidentstoseekexileandagovernmentwhichexilesitsdissidents?Today,Canada,Sweden,andEurope,theworldisfilledwithagenerationofyoungAmericanSolzhenitsyns.IfIamtoreceiveanycomfortfrommyson'sdeath,thenletmebelievethathediedsothatsomeothermother'sson,somewhere,mightnowcomehome.

"Thankyou."

Whenmytestimonyended,FatherSmithsmiledandwhisperedinmyear,"Andyoupretendedtobeanamateur!"

Ashortperiodofdiscussionfollowed,duringwhichIaddressedthepanel."Whyhadn'tasenator,acongressman,apresident,oranambassadorlostasoninVietnam?"Iasked."Wheredidtheycomefrom,thesecitizensoldiers?TheycamefromthefarmsintheMidwest,fromtheghettosinthecities,andfromthehillsofWestVirginia."

CongressmanHenrySmithofNewYorksaidhehadnosonstogivebutthatagreatnumberofsenatorsandrepresentativeshadsentsons

tofightinthewar.Iremindedhimthatoveraten-yearperiod,onlytwenty-sixoftheirsonshadservedinVietnam.Heinsistedthatmyfigureswerenotaccuratenorwasmystatementtrue.

WhilelobbyingthatspringinWashingtonforthepassageofS.B.609(abipartisan"EndtheWar"amendmentsponsoredbyfivesenators,includingHaroldHughesofIowa),IhadlearnedthateveryyoungmaninSenatorHughScott'sofficehadaconscientious-objectorrating.ItoldthepanelthattheboysfromthehillsofWestVirginiaandPennsylvaniahadneverheardtheterm"CO."

ScotthadbeenoneofthestrongestsupportersofNixon'sViet-

nampoliciesrightuptotheend.WhatIhadlearnedfromthePennsylvaniasenator'sstaffstrengthenedmybeliefthatthosewhosupportedNixontothefullestcouldavoidhavingtopaythisterribleprice.

AsthehearingsclosedayoungJesuitpriestemergedfromtheaudience,rantothepodium,anddemandedthatSmithapologizetome.Thecongressmansaidwithasmirk,''Iwasjustshootingfromthehiptomakepointswhileoncamera."

FatherRobertDrinan,acongressmanfromMassachusetts,camedownfromhisplaceonthepanel.Heembracedme,saying,"Blessyou,Mrs.Mullen,forcoming."(IhadmetDrinanandvisitedwithhimatthe1972NationalDemocraticConventioninMiami.)

WhenIgotuptoleavethehearingroom,IwasapproachedbyanABCreporter.HetookmyhandandtoldmehowsorryhewasthatIhadn'ttestifiedearlier.IfIhadbeenonbeforethreeo'clockhisnetworkwouldhavecarriedmyentiretestimony.Itwasnowfiveo'clock,andonlyafractionofitwouldbeshown.However,itappearedontheTVnewsthateveningandwascarriedforacoupleofdaysontheradio.

AsIenteredthehallway,amanidentifiedhimselfasatelevisioncameraman.Tearsstreameddownhisface.Hereachedformyhandandsaid,"Thankyouforcoming,Mrs.Mullen.IlostmyonlysoninVietnam,nevertobeheardfromagain.Andyesterdaymywifepresentedmewithababyboy,twentyyearsafterthebirthofourfirstson."Hewascryingfromboththepainoflosingonesonandthejoyofgaininganother.Icouldsaynothingtohimonlysqueezehishandinunderstanding.

Onlythreeofthepeoplewhotestified(outofforty-five)werequotedinNewsweekandTime,andIwasoneofthem.Ialsogavealeading

collegetextbookpublisherpermissiontoprintthestatement.

In1976PresidentCartergrantedunconditionalamnestytothosewhorefusedtoserve,allowingtheyoungmentoreturntotheirfamilies.

Eleven:MothersandVeteransThemostpoignantlettersfollowingourprotestsagainstthewarcamefromthefamiliesoffallenservicemen.Theydidn'tspeakoftheirlovedonesinheroicterms,nordidtheyexpressanypridethattheyhaddied10,000milesfromthelandtheyweresworntoprotect.Acommonthemewas"Why?"Theyhadfoundnooneable,orwilling,toprovideananswer.

InPegandGeneMullen,thesebereavedfamiliesfoundkindredspirits.Hereweretwopeoplewhounderstoodwhatitmeanttospendhoursinsilentgrievingoverasonwhoselifewaswastedinawinlesswaramanthatsurvivesinmemoryasasmallboyplaying"copsandrobbers."

MyfuryoverMichael'sneedlesssacrificewasboundless.Ilashed

outateveryoneandeverything.Iparticipatedinradiotalkshows,madetelevisionappearances,andgavenewspaperinterviewsthroughouttheMidwest.Peoplelistened.

Especiallyheartbreakingwerethestoriesoffamilieswhohadbeenorderednottoopenthesealedcaskets.Mostdidn'trealizethatmorticiansfacedafederalpenaltyof$10,000weretheytobreaktheseal.Ifthefamilieshaddecidedtoopenthecasketthemselves,however,whointheDefenseDepartmentwouldhaveknownaboutit?Whowouldhavereporteditandtowhom?Otherwise,theseparentswouldneverknowforsurewhomtheyhadburied.

Onewomanwrotethatthearmytoldherherfiancéwaskilledinafirefight,thatheshottwoVietCongbeforeanenemybulletexplodedthegrenadeonhisbelt.Aftertwoweeksofbeinglistedasmissing-in-action,hisbodywasreturnedinasealedcasket.Thesurvivorsassistanceofficertoldhisfamilythathismissingmedalswereontheuniformhewasburiedin.Shewouldneverknowifthebodywasthatofherfiancéshebelievedhisuniformwasprobablyabodysack.InbitternesssheremarkedhehadtradedhislifeforaBronzeStarandaPurpleHeart.

AnotherlettercamefromAnnPine,aGoldStarmother:

Mysonwaslistedasmissing(firstliefromtheDefenseDepartment)yes,hediedaherosavinghisbrothersforwhichtheyawardedhimtheBronzeStar.

Whatthearmydidn'ttellmewasonJan.2,1968manyofoursoldiersinthe1stAirCavweresentintoanambush....Theirbodieswerelefttorotinthesunforthreetofourweeks,sayingtheyweresendingoutsearchpartiesandofferingrewards.InoticedinthefilmtheArmysaidtheboywouldhaveanescort,afriendfromVietnam,toaccompanyit.TheyonlyaskedifIwantedhisbodyback,orleftinVietnam.

Ineversawmyson'sbody(aclosedcasket,)excusewasbecauseofthe

blackandbluemarks,nottherotfrombeingleftthereinthejungle.Ididn'treceivehispersonalbelongings.For11yearsnowIhavebeentryingtoseethePresident,triedtotalktotheArmy,senatorsandcongressmenbuthavegottennowhere.IfIcouldonlygetalistofhisbuddiessosomeonecouldtellmewhathappened.

NooneunderstandsI'llneverreallyknowifthatwasmy

son'sbodyinthecasketorjustrocks!Theyrefusedtoopenthecasket.Now,afternineyearstheytellmeIcouldhaveseenhisbodymorelies.

Pleaseforgivemyscrawl.IthinkIhavemetyouatoneofthedemonstrationsinWashington.IamoneoftheGoldStarmothersthatthrewherson'smedalovertheCapitolwall.TheflagthatcoveredhiscoffinisburiedunderatreeonthemallaroundtheCapitol.

Idon'tremembermeetingAnnwhenwemarchedintheantiwarmoratoriuminApril1971,butshewasveryvisibleinthepublicationcalledtheNewSoldier,apictorialaccountoftheentireweek'seventspreparedandwrittenbyJohnKerryandtheVietnamVeteransAgainsttheWar.WhenImetKerryinD.C.,Iaskedhimtosendmeacopyofthebook.Itcametomewithflysheetsfilledwithautographs.ItisavividandstartlingmemorialtoVietnamveteransandshouldbeinallschoollibraries.LieutenantKerrywasthefirstarmyofficertoreturnfromthewarandaddresstheCongressaboutthecorruptionofthewar,pleadingforitsend.TodayheisaU.S.senatorfromMassachusetts,involvedineffortstolocateallmissingsoldiers.

Mothers,girlfriends,andsisterswrotein,manyofthembelievingthatGeneandIwere"theluckyones."Oursonwaskilled,buthissufferingwasbriefHedidn'tcomehomeastrangerora"Vegetable,"assomewrote,boundtoabedorneedingawheelchairordoomedtospendtherestofhislifeinaninstitution.

Thisthoughthasoccurredtome,particularlywhenI'vetakencallsfromdisturbedveteransatoddhoursofthedayornight.Intheirdesperation,thesementurntostrangersforhelp.Itrytooblige,listeningwhiletheydescribetheirtormentandanguish,theirstruggletomakeitthroughanotherdayatwork.Mylastsuchcallerkeptmeonthephonefrom2to5A.M.Iwasafraidtohanguponhim.Overtheyears,I'veaskedeachofthesetroubledvetstodropmeapostcardsoI'llknowthey'reOK.Butthepostcardsdon'tcome,andI'mhaunted

fordaysaftereachcallwiththethoughtthatthecallerhaschosendeath.

OnceIheardfromawomanwhohadfalleninlovewithaveteran.Shesaidhermanhadsurvivedthewar"statistically,"onlytodietragicallyinanautoaccident"becausehismindwassoentangled

withthosevividmemoriesofwar.Toovividtoforget."Herman"escapedusingdrugs."Asafriendsaid,"hethoughthecouldfly."

"I'mnotashamedofthefactthatmyhusbandservedinthewar,"wrotethewifeofaformermachinegunner,"butit'snotsomethingIcanfeelgoodabout.Hestillhasnightmares,andhesometimesdrinksheavywhenit'sonhismind,butheisahardworkerandagoodfathertoourson."

AwomanfromTexaswrotethatshe,too,hadasonnamedMichaelwhoservedinVietnam."IfeellikeIknowyou,"shesaid.Hewastheyoungestofherfourchildren,whomshehadraisedbyherself.Shehadtaughthimtofishandhunt,andtheywereveryclose.

Hersonhadreturnedhome,shewrote,butwhenhecamebackhewasaddictedtodrugs."Afterfiveyearsofquitting,thenstartingagain,hegaveupandtookanoverdosetoendthehellwealllivedin....Itwasn'teasytopartwithourMikeywecalledhimMikey,toobutthankGod,Peg,youdidnothavetostandbyforfiveyears,feelingsohelpless,andwatchyoursondestroyhimself."

Thedrugabusethemebecamealltoofamiliar.NolesscommonamongreturningVietnamveteranswerechangesinmoodandpersonality.MentaldistresswasafrequentcarryoverfromtheVietnamexperience,whethermanifestedasdrugaddictionorinaveteran'sbehavior.

Manypeopletoldustheirsonshadbeenreluctantparticipantsinthewar.AnIowaparentwrotethathersondidnotwanttogo.Hehadbeendraftedaheadofmanyotherswhowereolder,whosheclaimedneverevenhadtogoinforaphysical.Nonetheless,hewassenttoVietnam,wherehediedinanambush.

Notalloftheyoungmen,however,wenttoVietnamagainsttheirwill.AnIowawomanwrotethathersonhadbeenwoundedandtherefore

didnothavetoreturntoVietnam.Buthechosetoreturnandwaskilledthreemonthslater.Still,hewentbacktoVietnambelievingthatifhecouldhelpsaveevenonelife,itwouldallbeworthit.Sheknewofotherveteranswhofeltthesameway,andshehopedIwouldfindpeaceofmind.

Thismotherwastrulyblessed.HowmucheasieritwouldhavebeenforustoacceptthedeathofoursoninVietnamifhehadbelievedinthecausethattookhimtohisdeath.

OnewomansentalongaclippingfromtheMasonCity,Iowa,

GlobeGazette,whichquotedfromherson'slastletterhome,datedChristmas1969,thedaybeforehisdeath.

Wejustgotbackfromtheoperationyesterday.Itwasaprettyroughone.

Thisissupposedtobeacease-firetonight,butwearegoingoutonanambush.Thingsarereallyscrewedupoverhere.Itisraining.Themonsoonseasonissupposedtobegettingoveranytime.(Earlier,hehadwrittenthathehadbeenwet30straightdays.)Wearesupposedtogetahotmealtoday.Therainislettingupalittlesomaybethechopperwillbeabletobringitinafterall.Wewon'tknowhowtoact,eatingsomethingbesidesCRations.(Theyhadn'thadahotmeal,notevenforThanksgiving.)

LookingforwardtohearingwhatunitsthePresidentisgoingtopulloutof'Nam.IfitsoundslikeI'llbeheremyfullyear,IamgoingtotakeRandRwith(wife)NancyinHawaiiaboutJuneorJuly.ItwouldbegreatforNancytodoalittletraveling.

AtnotimehaveIeverregrettedmyactivitiesinoppositiontothewar.IwasalwaysconfidentofGene'ssupport.Michael'spartingpleaformeto"neverstop"protestinghasstayedwithmethroughouttheyears.Thelettersfromveteransalsoofferedsupport.TypicalwasaletterwereceivedfromadisabledveteranfromIllinois:

Idowantyoutoknowthatitispeoplelikeyourselveswhogivemecourageandmakemewanttoliveafulllife.Yougivemehope.

...IhavetodealwiththeguiltIfeelforhavingparticipatedbutknowingthattherearepeoplelikeyouwhohadthecourageIdidn'thavetostandupagainstthathorrendouswardoeshelpme.Theemotionalwoundsareworsethanthephysicalwounds,butwithtime,IhopethatIcaneasetheguilt.I,frankly,willlivewiththeanger.

Theletterscheereduson,assuredusthatthosewhohadexperiencedthewarfirsthandwereonourside.Theirmessagecontrastedwithwhatwewerehearinglocally,wherewestoodaccusedofprofaning

ourson'smemory,ofbringingshametoourfamily,andneglectingourthreecollege-agechildren.Weheldfasttothevets'supportandfoundcomfortinthefactthatsomuchofitseemedtocomefromthosewhohadsufferedthemost.

ThoughwelostMichael,wegainedahostofadoptedsons.Webecameapartoftheirslowrehabilitationhelpingthemmaketheirwayaroundtheobstaclestheyfacedontheirreturn(often,theseseemedmoredevastatingthanthejunglesofVietnam).Manyneededonlyafewmonthstoreadjusttocivilianlife.Othersfounditmoredifficult,andstillothersfailedmiserablysuccumbingtodrugsorcommittingsuicide.I'vedevelopedadailyhabitofcheckingtheobituarycolumninthelocalpaper,andalltoooftenIreadofuntimelydeathsamongmenofVietnam-eraage.

InspiteofdenialsbytheDefenseDepartment,IbelievemanyveteranstobevictimsofAgentOrangeandotherpowerfuldefoliantsusedbyourtroopsinthejungle.Veryfewwhotrampedthroughthosejungleshaveescapedthedamageinflictedbythedeadlychemicals.OftentheinfantrywasactuallysprayedwithAgentOrangebyconfusedpilotsorthosetryingtodumpunusedchemicalsbeforereturningtobase.

Ashorttimeago,IcontactedhomeownersinmyareaofBrownsvilletocollectsignaturesonapetitioncallingforimprovementstoourstreets.Ayoungmother,withherfoursmallchildrenclingingtoher,endorsedthepetition.Iaskedwhetherherhusbandwouldbeinterestedinsigning."Ihavenohusband,"sheresponded."Iburiedhimlastweek,totallyeatenawayfromcancertheresultofAgentOrange."Onlyafewdaysbeforeherhusband'sdeath,thecourtshadruledagainstaclass-actionsuitfiledbyVietnamveteranswhoclaimedtheyhadbeendamagedbyAgentOrange.

AyoungVietnamesefriend,Hong,livinginBrownsvillerecentlyreturnedtoherhomelandtovisitthefamilyshehadn'tseenforfifteenyears.Shedescribedfindingagreatdealof"dead"soil,apparentlycontaminated,inareasaroundhermother'sfarm.Hongnoticedthatmanyoftheinfantswereafflictedwithopensores,althoughthe

pollutedareashadbeenfencedoff.ShewaspositivethattheskinafflictionswerecausedbyAgentOrange.Thebabiesdidn'tdiebutwereillforatleastayear.Nooneknowswhatthefutureholdsforthesechildren.

Hong,whoasachildsurvivedthebombingoftheMekongDelta,istrulyaveteranoftheVietnamWar.Shesawherfatherandhisanimalskilledbyalow-flyinggunshipasheworkedinhisricefields.ShesoughtshelterinnearbycaveswhileAmericanbombersdroppedclusterbombsontheirsmallfarm,creatinglake-sizecraters.

Afterthedeathofherfatherandadirectbombinghitoftheirhome,Hongsaid,hermothertooktheyoungfamilytoSaigoninordertosurvive.

OneofthefirstveteranstocontactuswasBobby,ayoungneighborwhohadreturnedhomeafterservingwiththemarines.Heappearedtobewelladjusted,butheneededasympatheticear.Hebegantodropbyinthemornings,drinkmycoffee,andtakeupalotofmytime.Finally,Imadethefollowingsuggestion:''I'lllistentoyouforanhourortwoandyoucangivemeanhourortwoofhelpwiththeyard."Heagreed,andthearrangementprovedadvantageousforthebothofus.Ofcourse,whenIfollowedhimintotheyardtohelpwiththechores,the"talktherapy"continued.

ThroughouthistourinVietnam,I'dregularlyinquiredabouthim.Hismotherhadbeenconfidenthewasn'tindanger,sincehehadwrittenandtoldherhewasadoghandler.SinceneitherhismothernorIwasfamiliarwiththejargonofthewar,wefiguredhe'dbeenassignedtothekennelsatbasecamp.WhenIaskedBobbyaboutthejob,helaughed."Oh,sure,Ihandleddogs,"hesaid,"onedog,whichIledintothejungleaheadofmyplatoonwhileIdependedonthedogtosniffoutanytrouble."These"pointmen"wereexpendable,andthousandsofthemdiedorwerewoundedbytrippingboobytraps.

BobbyandIbecamegoodfriends,andhewentontomakealifeforhimselfinpostwarAmerica.Hemarriedandhadafamilybutpreferredthelife-styleofarebel.Heworehishairlong,cultivatedabeard,andlivedclosetonatureinaruralarea.

EarlyonaJuneSaturdaymorningin1970,wehadavisitfromatallyoungblackman.HewalkedintoourkitchenlikehehadbeentherebeforeandwithouthesitationgreetedusasPegandGene.Hedidn'tneedtotellusthathewastheMartinwhohadbeeninMichael'scompanyandhadwrittentousfromVietnam.Hetoldusabout

Michael'slastdaysinhiscompanyhowtheybecamefriendswhenMichael,learningthathe,too,wasfromIowa,hadsharedhisDesMoinesRegisterwithhim.

AlthoughMartininsistedhewasOK,onehourinhispresencetookitstollonus.Hecouldn'tsitformorethanafewseconds.Hewalkedaroundthekitchentableincessantly,andeveryfewminuteshewentthroughthemotionsofshootinghisenemywithanimagi-

narymachinegun.Still,wecontinuedtowelcomeMartinbacktothefarmandwerethereforhimashefacedthechallengesofaninterracialmarriage.Genewalkedthebridedowntheaisleinhergroom'schurch,wheretheyweremarriedbyhisfather,aBaptistminister.Afterward,wehostedthereceptionatourfarmhome.

WesupportedthemarriagebutelicitedapromisefromMartintoallowtheirchildrentobebaptizedCatholic,thefaithofthemother.Asthebabiesarrived(fourofthem),theywerepresentedforbaptismaspromised,andsomeonefromtheMullenhouseholdwasalwaysavailabletobeagodparent.

Martinhasdonewellwithhislife,havingattainedanelectricaljourneyman'sunioncard.Hiswife,Terry,hasgraduatedfromcollegewithadegreeineducation,andtheirfirstbornisinhissenioryearinengineeringatIowaStateUniversity.(Martin,thethird,rankedsecondinthenationonhiscollegeentrancetestscoresinthefieldofengineering,andhisschoolinghasbeentotallyfundedthroughvariousscholarships.)

Manyofourcontactswithveteranshavebeenbytelephone.GeneandIusuallysharedthesecalls.Hetriedtounderstandeachcaller'sproblems,butmostleftmeuneasysomeofthedisjointedconversationswillstaywithmeforever.

TenyearsagoIgotacallat2A.M.fromayoungattorneyintheChicagoarea.WhenIaskedifherealizedwhattimeitwas,hereplied,"Ineverknowwhattimeitis,andIdon'thavetheslightestideawhetherit'sdayornight."Hewentontosayhewassorryhehadn'tcalledassoonashereturnedstateside.HehadbeenwithMichael'scompanyinVietnam.TwodayslaterIhadasimilarcallfromaveteraninMinneapolis.Thecallcameduringworkinghours.Hedescribedhimselfasanexecutivewhoworeathree-piecesuitandcarriedanattachécase.Iaskedhimwhyhewascalling."Iforce

myselftocometoworkeachday,"hesaid,''andaftertwohoursonthejobIbegintopanic."

Icanonlylisten,butthereallydisturbedveteranneedsmorethanIcanoffer.Ioftencan'ttellthemwheretogetthehelptheyneed.SomanyhavedescribedbadexperienceswithveteranshospitalsthatI'mhesitanttosendthemthere.

AcallcameonenightinAugustof1991fromamemberoftheU.S.CoastGuard,aformermarinewhohadreturnedhomeafter

sixmonthsinthePacific.Hecalledduringthenight,disturbedtheconversationlastedthreehours,duringwhichtimehewouldrepeatedlyhangupandcallback.

HeclaimedtobetheyoungestVietnamveteraninthecountryandsaidhehadbeenintheserviceonlyashorttimewhentheU.S.embassyfell.Hesaidthemarinesweretrampledbythemassesofpeopletryingtoescape,resultinginthedeathsoftwo.

TheVietnamsyndromeisaliveandflourishing,althoughtheveteranshavebeenhomefromVietnamforfifteentotwenty-fiveyears.Duringthesummerof1991IwascontactedbyaveteranfromtheBostonareawhowasattendingsummerschoolinIowa.HehadoriginallyphonedmysonJohntofindoutwhereIwasliving.JohntoldhimofmyplanstocometoIowainJuneandassuredhimthatIwouldbehappytovisitwithhim.

I'dbeenhomeaweekwhenhecalledandaskedmetomeethimforlunch.Hewasaboutforty-fivewithgrayinghair,andasweenjoyedourfood,hetoldmehisstory.Hehadbeenhomefromthewarfortwodecadesandhadspentnearlyseventeenofthoseyearsinbarswherehewasdrunk,drugged,andbrawlingorinjailsomewhere.AswetalkedIexpressedmyconcernoverthenumberofsuicidesamongthereturnedveterans.HetoldmethatVietnamveterans'organizationswereresearchingtheproblem,andmanybelievedthatmorethan200,000veteranshadtakentheirownlives.

Finally,hewascontactedbyaveterans'religiousgroup.Hesaidhelistenedtothem,andtheresultwasacompleteturnaround.He'dmarriedandbecomethefatherofabeautifulbabydaughter,andhewasnowpositivethathewouldneveragainlosecontrolofhislife.

Thenhetoldmethereasonhehadlookedmeup.Whileoncombatdutymorethantwentyyearsago,he'dbeendrivingajeepandhita

landmine.Fourmenridingwithhimwerekilled.Now,forthefirsttimesincehisreturn,hefelthehadthestrengthheneededtotalktotheparentsoftheboyswhodiedinhisjeep.OneofthevictimshadbeenanIowaresident.Heaskedformyhelpinlocatingthefamily.

Ispentseveraldaysmakingphonecalls,andeventuallyIlocatedthevictim'sgrandmother.ShelivednearDesMoines,soIdrovetoseeher.BytheendoftheweekIwasabletophonemynewfriendandgivehimalltheinformationhewasseeking.Ihadafeelingthatwhenitcametoactuallymeetingthefamily,however,hewould

probablybackout.Recently,Iplacedacalltothegrandmotherandlearnedthattheveteranhadindeeddrivenseveralhourstospendadaywiththeparentsofhisdeadcomrade.Theyhadtakenhimtotheirson'sgrave,andtheyappreciatedhisvisit.Theywerenotdisturbedbyhisvisit,assomeinthefamilyhadfeared.

Myfileoflettersfromveteransisatreasuretrove.Intoneandcontenttheyrunthegamutfromdeepsadnessandbitternesstojoyandsatisfactionoverhavingattained''thegoodlife,"througheducation,marriage,andbeautifulchildren.

Twelve:FriendlyFireInmid-April1976C.D.B.Bryan'sbookFriendlyFirewaspublished.MichaelGartner,editoroftheDesMoinesRegister,calledtotellushewasinterestedinbuyingtherightstopublishthestoryinserialform.Weweresickatthethoughtofhavingourpersonaltragedyrecountedinthisstatewidedailynewspaper,soIpleadedwithGartnertoreconsider.Hewasadamant,concernedthatnotenoughpeoplewouldreadthebook."Itisastorythathastoberead,"heinsisted.Wewaitedinanguishforthefirstissue.

GenewentofftoworkearlyonApril19.WhenhereachedtheJohnDeereplant,hesatdowninthelunchroomforacupofcoffeeandpickeduptheRegister.Thestorywasonthefrontpagealltheheartachesrevisited.Howwashegoingtobearthis?Therewasgreat

animosityamonghisfellowworkersoverourstandagainstthewar,andGenewashavingtroubledealingwithit.AlargepercentageofJohnDeereworkerswereveteransofWorldWarIItheywereproudoftheirserviceandproudoftheiruniforms.MostweremembersoftheAmericanLegion,andthelegionsupportedthewar.Gene'spositiononthewarwaslikenedtothatofa"scab"duringaunionstrike.

Gene'sjobinvolvedmakingafinalinspectionofthetractorsastheylefttheplantfordeliverytodealers.Thatday,hefounditnecessaryto"red-tag"(rejectbecauseofflaws)agreatnumberoftractors,therebyangeringbothlaborandmanagement.Bythetimehearrivedhome,hewasnotfeelingwell.Heplantedtwofruittreesinthefrontyard,butwhenhecameinfordinnerhewasunabletoeat.IcalledoursonJohn,whosebusinesswasfourmilesaway,andtoldhimIwasafraidhisfatherwasfacingaheartattack.

Johnrushedover,andweleftimmediatelyforSt.FrancisHospitalinWaterloo,thirteenmilesaway.Passingcarsrightandleft,hegotusthereintwentyminutes.Genewasabletowalkintotheemergencyroom.Hewascheckedoverthoroughlyandclearedtogohome.Ontheadviceofanelderlydoctorandfriend,however,hewasplacedinintensivecareforobservation.Aboutanhourlater,Genesufferedaheartattack.Hesurvivedonlybecausewehadrushedhimtothehospital.Theattackwassomassivehewouldhavediedathome.

ThroughoutGene'sstayinthehospital,thenursescooperatedinkeepingtheRegisteroutofhisroom.Ofcourse,publicationofthestorydidnot,initself,causehisheartattackitwastheculminationofsixyears'grievingoverthelossofhisson.DuringthissameperiodfourfathersintheWaterlooareadiedsuddenlyafterlosingtheirsonsintheVietnamWar.

TheRegister'sdailyinstallmentsdrewmailfromfarmwivestosmall-towndoctors,lawyers,andteachers.Thecorrespondentsrangedfrom

thefairlyarticulatetotheunpracticedwriter,butallseemedtoregardGeneandmeastwooftheirown.Becauseofourstory,they'drealizedthattheirstate'scontributioninhumanlivestothewarwasenormousandfaroutofproportiontootherareasofthecountry.Themilitaryhadalwayslikedruralsoldiersbecause,lackingsophistication,theywereobedientandcooperativeandnotlikelytocreateproblems.

Genespentthreeweeksinthehospitalandwasdismissedwithapoorprognosis.Hisdoctortoldmehemightliveforsixmonths.Idon'tknowwhathetoldmyhusband,butGenehadahabitofturningoffhishearingaidinuncomfortablesituations.Hisbehaviorduringthenexttenyearswascertainlynotthatofamanwithasix-monthlifeexpectancy.

There'snoquestionthat,afterMichael'stragicdeath,IbecamesopreoccupiedwiththeVietnamWarandthepeacemovementthatthosethingsseemedtodominatemylife.NoonerealizeditmorethanI.Butitwasthatverypreoccupationandsenseofpurposethatallowedmetocarryoninspiteofthepain.

TheperiodinmylifechronicledinFriendlyFireactuallyamountedtolittlemorethanoneyearnotthefiveyearsittooktheauthortowritethebook.Mythreesurvivingchildrenwereawayatcollegeduringthosemonths,andIwasneverawareofanestrangementfromanyoneinmyfamilyuntilIreadBryan'sopinioninhisuneditedmanuscriptsenttomeforapproval.I'msureIcouldhavetakenmoretimetolistentomychildren.WediscussedMichaelconstantlybutdidn'ttalkabouthoweachofuswasdealingwithhisdeath.

Nevertheless,weremainedinclosetouch.Inthesummerof1970PatriciaandMaryheldjobsandJohnattendedsummerschoolinIndiana.Patriciamarriedinthefall,andIspentweeksworkingonherwedding.Imadeherweddingdress,alongwithdressesforthebridesmaids,andweheldareceptionatourfarmhomeforseventy-fiveguests.IalsospentseveraldaysinIowaCityhelpingdecoratethenewlyweds'tinyapartment.

Duringthoseyearsofturmoil,whencollegecampusesacrossthecountrywerealivewithdemonstrations,Ikeptclosetabsoneveryone.Morethanonce,afterhearingonthenewsthattherewouldbeaprotestattheUniversityofIowa,Idroveninetymilestoremind

Patriciathatshewasincollegetogetadegree,nottogetarrestedinademonstration.Sheoftenreplied,"Mom,youdoit.Whycan'tI?"

Inthefallof1976GeneandIdecidedtoseekawarmerclimateforthewinter,sowedrovetoBrownsville,Texas,intheRioGrandeValley,afavoriteretirementspotforMidwestfactoryworkersandfarmers.We'dvisitedthereforsixweeksin1971andhadfalleninlovewiththebalmyclimate,theeasywayoflife,theMexicanculture,and,mostofall,theproximitytotheborder.Wemovedtoa

mobilehomecourtdevelopedbyarealtor,sowewerefortunatetobelivingwithamixedgroupofneighbors.AbouthalfwerewintervisitorsforfivemonthsandtheremainderyoungHispaniccouples.WewereonlyfivemilesfromtheInternationalBridgetakingusintoMexico.

Bryan'sbookwasbeingwidelyread,andthroughthegraciousauspicesofthepostmasterinLaPorteCity,themailitgeneratedfollowedus.Thephonecallsalsoreachedus,andweoftenweresurprisedbytotalstrangerswho'dbeenmovedbyFriendlyFire.

TwoofthemorememorablevisitorsduringourfirstwinterofretirementwereaNewJerseycouple.They'dtraveledtoCorpusChristiandontoSouthPadreIslandforaweek'svacationwithoneideainmindtomeetGeneandPegMullen.AfterreadingFriendlyFire,theyhaddriventoourfarminIowatomeetus.Whenlearningthatwehadmoved,theyplannedatriptoPadreIslandnearBrownsville.Theywantedtotalktotwopeopletheybelievedwouldunderstandandhelpthem.TheironlychildhadreturnedfromVietnam,havingservedintheAmericalDivision,andhadbecomearecluseinthemountainsofsoutheasternPennsylvania.Iftalkingwasthetherapytheyneeded,wesupplieditinabundanceanonstopconversationfortheentireweek.

AnothervisitorwasaVietnamveteranfromIowawhohadlefthishome,family,andjobandtakentotheroad.Genehadreadabouttheyoungman.HisbattletorecoverhishealthandconquerhisaddictiontodrugsafterhisreturnfromcombathadbeenfeaturedinapublicationoftheJohnDeereCompany.Genehadalsoknowntheyoungman'sfather,sohewrotehimalongletterofsupport.TheveteranleftIowaandcametotheRioGrandeValleytosaygood-byetohisparents(whowinteredinthearea)andthencametoseeus.Welistenedtohimallafternoon,sympathizedwithhim,butrefrained

fromgivingadvice.

Whentheveterangotuptoleave,weshookhandsandaskedifhehadanyplans.Helookedup,hiseyesfilledwithsorrow,andsaid,"IhavenoplansIdon'tknowwhereI'mgoing,onlythatI'llnevercomeback."

Duringthewinterof1976/77theJohnDeereCompanyremovedGenefrommedicalleave,placedhimonapermanentmedicalretirement,thenfollowedupwiththepaperworkforhimtogoonMedicalSocialSecurityRetirement.From1976to1979GeneandIspent

ourwintersinBrownsville,returningtoIowaeachApriltosummeronthefarm.Itwasabusytime,astherewasmuchworktobedonearoundtheplacerepairingandpaintingthebuildings,maintainingalargelawn,andtakingcareofthefruittrees.

Inthefallof1979Johnwasmarriedandcontinuedtoliveathomewithhisbride.Thefollowingwinterheaskedifhecouldbuythehomestead,andwehappilysoldittohim.In1980wespentthesummerinBrownsvilleandfoundthatwecouldtoleratetheclimate,sowemadeitourpermanentresidence.

Wesoonbecameacclimatedtomobilehomeliving.Withonlyasmallyardtomaintain,wedidn'tmisstheacresoflawntomowortheorchardtotrimandspray.Itwaseasytoforgettherigorsoffarmingandworkingoffthefarm:fightingtheelements,shovelingsnow,losingelectricalpowerinablizzard.Wewerefinallyabletorelax.GeneandImissedourlifelongfriendsinIowa,butwedidn'tfeellonelyorisolated.Wecontinuedourdailywalkstothemailboxandpickedupcardsandlettersfromtotalstrangers.

In1981amanwrotetousfromCalifornia:

IreadFriendlyFireaboutayearagoandithastakenmethislongtodecideifIshouldwriteornot.Myfriendshaveadvisedmetodoso.

IwasinVietnamfromJan.23,1969throughJan.17,1970...duringtheentireyearIwasintheFireDirectionCenter(ofWhiskeyBattery,3rdBattalion,11thMarines)figuringdatafor105mmhowitzers.Thereasonforthisletteristoletyouknowthereismyselfand,I'msure,manyotherswhoseethroughthefaultyconclusionspresentedinthebookandtheTVmovie.Theseare:

1.Noonewasatfault.Theerrorwasamiscalculationindata.

2.Youareparentsovercomewithgrief,withlittlejustificationforyouroutrage.

Theauthorobviouslyhadhisownconclusionsinmindbeforeheevenbeganthedamnthing.Letmeexplain.

First,gundataaregivenfromtheFDCtothegunsonlyonce.TheyarecalculatedandrecalculatedintheFDCandgiventothegunswiththegunsrepeatingitbacktoassureaccuracy.

ThereisnocorrectionorchangeindatauntilaforwardobserverhascalledintotheFDC.Forthisreasontherecouldhave

beennofaultydatagivenorusedbetweenthefirstandsecondoranyotherofthefollowingrounds.Ifthefirstroundmadeit,allthefollowingroundsmustfollow.ParticularlywithDT's(intheMarineCorpswecalledthemH&I's)becausethedataarecalculatedandcheckedbeforehand.

Theonlypossibleproblem,giventheinformationinthebook,musthavetakenplaceontheguns.Therearesevencharges,orpowderbags,usedona105mmhowitzer.Thefirstislargeanddecreaseinsizeuptoseven.Ifthechargewassevenandonlysixwereputin,theroundwouldfallshort.Thiswouldbeextremelyeasytodoifthepeopleonthegunsweredrinking.Thetrajectoryofthegunatanythingbutdirectfiremovesinaveryhigharc.Treesarenotanexcuseforanyoneexceptsomeoneknowingnothingaboutartillery.

Thetrajectoryisalwaysgraduallyupandquicklydown.Mountainsarecalculatedinmountainousareas,butneverhillsandcertainlynottrees.Thisexcuseisasinine!

Second,givenwhatIjustsaid,Ibelieveyouwereandareveryjustifiedinyouranger.Youhaveaskedtherightquestionsandgottenvirtuallynoanswers.

Thismayseemstrangetoyou,Ithinknot.Butafter10yearsIholdclosetomyheartthememoryofmydeadfriends....

IwishIcouldignorethatchapterinmylife,butIamcondemnedtoreliveit,overandover.I'malivenowwithonepurposethatistoseeitdoesnothappenagaintoyourgrandchildren,mychildren,ormychildren'schildren.

Withlove,oneofyourlovingsons

Manyletterslikethisonecametousovertheyears.OneformerWorldWarIIartilleryofficeractuallywrotevolumesonthesubjectformanymonths.Bryanhadwrittenitwasjustanotherunfortunateaccidentexpectedintheheatofbattle.Heexplainedthattheheightofthetreeswherethemissilehithadnotbeenconsideredintheoriginalcalculations.Atnotimedidwethinkitwasjustanotheraccidentin

theheatofbattle;afterall,therehadbeennoactivityinMichael'sunitthatnight.Wegrievedabitwitheachletterbutfeltwecoulddonothing.Wehopedandprayedthatsomeday,someonewouldtellusthetruestory.

MaryCrawford,awriterforMs.magazine,firstcontactedusby

telephoneinlateMay1976.TwoweekslaterherletterdatedJune10arrived:

I'vebeenthinkingaboutourtelephoneconversationfortwoweeks....

Onethingbothersme:inallthepublicity,allthereviews,allthecommentaryonthebook,yourvoiceisnotbeingheard.Youare,afterall,thecenterofthisstory.Yourlifehasbeenprofoundlychanged.Youractionsshapedthewholesequenceofevents.YettheonlypicturewehaveofyouasapersonisBryan's.AndIhavethefeelingthathedoesn'tknowyouverywell.

Oneobviousexample...ishisconsistent...playingdownyourlifelongpoliticalinvolvement.AnotherishistreatmentofyouasobsessedbyMichael'sdeathinsomevaguelyunhealthyway.Ican'tforgetyourcommentthatheviewsyouasbeing"hatched"thedayMichaeldied....

Icouldn'thelpfeelingdrawntoyouwhenwetalked.Yourlifeprovidesanexampleofenormouscourageandintegrity.YetBryanagreeswithSchwarzkopfwhenhesaysthat"whathappenedtotheMullensisan'evenmoreterriblething'thanMichael'sdeath;theyhavebecomecasualtiesofthewar."

Youdidn'tseemlikeacasualtywhenItalkedtoyou.Onthecontrary,youseemedlikeanarticulatewomanwhocouldhavealottosaytootherwomen.

Iwouldliketoseethemisconceptionsaboutyouandyourfamilycorrected....Wecangiveyouaforumsothatyourvaluesandtheexampleofyourlifecanreachotherwomen,whoseownlivesmaybechangedasaresult.Ihopeyou'llthinkaboutwhatMs.istryingtodo,andreconsideryourrefusal...

HadIonlyreadthebookIwouldhavehadaverydifferentpictureofPegMullen.Asitis,Ifeelprivilegedthatourpathscrossed,howeverbriefly.

Sincerely,MaryCrawford

IeventuallyrelentedCrawfordcametothefarmandspentthedayinterviewingme.HerarticleappearedintheSeptember1976issueofthemagazine.Iactuallyenjoyedhavingmystorypublishedinafeministmagazine.Ihadlessonsonthesubjectfrommymother.

IntheearlythirtiesshewasPocahontasCounty(Iowa)DemocraticChairwoman,manyyearsbeforewomengenerallyheldthesekindsofpositions.Whenmychildrenwerelittle,theylovedtoremindtheirfatherthathewasmarriedtoa''liberatedwoman,"andinoneofhislettershome,Michaelwrote,"youarebecomingmorelikeGrandmawithyourpolitics."

InJune1976,twomonthsafter`FriendlyFirewaspublished,CourtyBryanmadeaspecialtriptoseeusforthepurposeofobtainingpermissiontodoatelevisionscreenplay.Genewasill,recoveringfromhisrecentheartattack,soIvisitedwithCourtyalone.Itoldhimthatwewouldnotgranthimpermissionatthatoranyothertime.WewerestillangryoverBryan'sportrayalof(then)ColonelNormanSchwarzkopf,andwedidn'tagreewithhishavingendedthestoryourstorywithajustificationoftheVietnamWar.

ButCourtyinsistedhe'dbringthestorytotelevision,evenifitmeantchangingnamesandlocale.Heapproacheduslater,thistimebyphone,butagainwerefused.Thenthereweremorecontactsfromhisagentand,finally,ourfirstcallfromABC-TV.Anetworkofficialaskedustosignarelease.ItriedtomakehimunderstandthatGenehadmadelittlerecoveryfromhisheartattackandthatwecouldn'thandleanotherinvasionofourprivatelives.HetoldmeIwasprobablythemostmiserablewomanhehadeverdealtwith.Ihunguponhim.

Weearnestlywishedtoavoidbecomingthesubjectofanotherpublicexhibition.Butweknewinourheartswewerepowerlesstostopit.Wehadforfeitedourrightswhenwe'dacceptedBryan'soffertowriteourstory.HecametoourhomeinApril1971withcredentialsfromtheNewYorker.Itwastheplanofboththewriterandthemagazinetodoashortstoryaboutus,tobepublishedsoon.Wereadilyagreedwefeltthatthepeoplewhoreadourstorywouldjoinusinourstruggleto

endthewar.

AmonthafterBryancontactedusaboutdoingthescreenplay,wereceivedalongletterfromaveteranwhohadlostalegintheincidentinwhichMichaeldied.HewaspleadingBryan'scase,citingmanyreasonswhyweshouldconsenttothemakingofthefilm.TheveteranwroteatlengthabouthisfriendshipwithMichaelhetoldhowtheyhadtraveledthejungletogetherforoverthreemonthsandaboutthenightMikewaskilled.Hethenputinaspecialpitchfor

Courty,remindingusthatwecouldn'texpelthepastfromourmindsnomatterhowhardwetried,forthepastshapedourfuture.HementionedthatBryanhadputmanyyearsintobringingourstorytothepublic,andhesincerelyhopedwewouldreconsiderourdecisionandallowthemovietobemade.Ofcourse,weresentedBryan'sattempttomanipulateusthroughaveteranwho'd"beenthere."

InOctoberofthefollowingyearwereceivedaletterfromFayKanin,awell-knownscriptwriter,askingifwewouldcooperatewithherinthepreparationofatelevisionscript.Iinformedherofourposition."WelivedinanguishforfiveyearswhileBryanattemptedtowritethestory,"Isaid,"andwhenthemanuscriptreachedusinSeptemberof1975,wewereappalledatwhatweread.Itisourbeliefthat,duringthefiveyearsheworkedonourstory,itsimplybecamehisstory,andwedefinitelydidnotlikehisversion."

Iexplainedthatsincethebookcameout,juniorofficerswhowereinCharlieCompanywhenmysondiedhadcontactedus(andBryan)tocomplainabouthisversionofthestoryandhistreatmentofthemilitary.IfurtheradvisedherthatBryanhimselfhadadmittedtomebutnotbeforethebookwaspublishedtohavingbeenconnedbySchwarzkopf.

Inshort,Igaveherallthereasonswhywewouldn'tcooperate.ItoldherwewouldsoonbeleavingIowaforthewinterandwouldbeunavailable.IsuggestedthatanyfurthercontactwiththeMullenfamilybemadethroughourdaughterPatricia,anattorneyinMuscatine,Iowa,atthattime.

Theentirefamilyworriedaboutthemovie,whichwasbeingfilmeddespiteourprotests.Wewereconcernedwithwhatitwasgoingtodotoourlives.Finally,PatriciadecidedtofilesuitagainstABC-TVonbehalfofthethreesurvivingchildren,alleginginvasionofprivacy.ABCrespondedbyinvitingthethreeplaintiffstocometoLos

AngelesinSeptember1978andsitinonthefilmingforaweek.JohnandPatriciaflewtoCalifornia(Maryhadayear-oldbabyandwasunabletoaccompanythem)andmetmanyofthepeopleinvolvedwiththefilmingofFriendlyFire.TheywereparticularlycharmedbyCarolBurnettandeventuallydevelopedawarmrelationshipwithFayKanin.AttheurgingofPatriciaandJohn,webecamefriendswithFayandhavecorrespondedovertheyears.

JohnandPatriciareportedthatthestorywasbeinghandledwell

andsaidtheybelievedthatourfamilywouldnotbeharmed.Theydidinsistonchangesofthesetrepresentingourkitchen.Afterall,wehadbuiltamodernfarmhomein1961,buttheproducershadfollowedBryan'sdescriptionandcreatedasetresemblingahomeoftheearly1900s.Istilldon'tunderstandwhatthataddedtothefilm.

Meanwhile,Patricia'sattorneyinMuscatinefollowedthroughwiththelawsuit.Itwassettledwithapaymentof$45,000,whichwasdividedamongPatricia,Mary,andJohn.ABCwasthoughtfulenoughtoaskwhetherwepreferredthattheproductionbeairedwhilewewereinBrownsvilleorathomeonthefarm.IfshowninlateApril,asproposed,thefalloutinBrownsvillewouldhavebeenminimalallofourwinterfriendswouldhavelefttheRioGrandeValleytospendthesummerathome.WeagreedtoApril22,1979(aSunday),andarrangedtostayinTexas.

AcoupleofhoursbeforeairtimewetalkedtoCarolBurnett.Shewasexcitedtherewasreasontobelieveshe'dwinanEmmyforhereffort.(Theproduction,infact,wonanumberofEmmys,butCarol'swasnotamongthem.)GeneandIdebatedaboutwhethertowatchthefilm(neitherofushadreadthepublishedbook).Personally,IknewIwouldn'tbeableto,butGenewasdeterminedtositthroughit.Iworriedabouthishavinganotherheartattack,buttherewasnothingIcoulddo.

Iretiredtoourbedroomwithabookandreadthroughoutalmosttheentiretelecast.AtonepointIemerged,butaftertwominutesofwatchingthefilmIbegantotrembleandhadtoleavetheroom.Ihavenotattemptedtoviewitsince,althoughIdidrecentlypurchaseacopyofthevideoforeveryoneinthefamily.

ThefloodofphonecallstoourIowafarmhomebeganearly,whilethemoviewasbeingtelevisedontheeasternairways.Johnandhiswife,Jeanne,livinginourhome,weretheretoanswer,havingbeen

preparedforanoutpouringofsupportandsympathy.Thecallsdidn'tstopuntilthefollowingWednesday.TheywerecomputerizedbyBellTelephoneasonecallerhunguptherewasanotherwaitingontheline.

Afewdaysafterthebroadcast,IheardfromamotelkeeperinsouthernIowawhohappenedtohavethesametelephonenumberasours,butwithadifferentareacode.Shewrote:''YoumusthavereceivedhundredsoflettersandphonecallsaftertheshowwithCarol

BurnettSundaynight.Weespeciallyknowaboutthephonecalls,aswegotaboutthatmany....Wehavebeengetting[your]callsforabouttwoyears,thensinceSundaynighttheyhavebeenconstant.Don'tgetmewrong,wedon'tmind.Ijustthoughtyoumightbeinterested."

WereturnedtothefarminIowaaweeklater.Wewereexpectinglotsofmail,butwehadn'tgivenanythoughttothetouristsdrivingintoourfarmyardtovisitwithusinperson.DuringourfirstweekwehadvisitorsfromNewYork,Texas,andCalifornia.FriendsinLaPorteCitytoldusofmanytouristsaskingdirectionstoMichael'sgrave.Wewerealmostreadytorunaway,butthetrafficsloweddownfinally,andthevisitorsbecamelessofaproblem.Somedayslettersarrivedinbundlesonothers,onlyoneortworeachedus.Allofthemwereanswered,andwecontactedmanyofthewritersbytelephone.

Wedidn'tallowthenewpublicitytodisruptourlives,though.Wetraveledforseveralweeksthatsummer,throughtheBlackHillsandthenontovisitMaryandherfamilyinMontana.Fromthere,wedrovethroughGlacierNationalParkandnorthtoCalgary,Alberta,Canada.WefollowedthebeautifulCanadianHighwaywesttoVancouver.ClosefriendslivedonVancouverIsland,andwespentseveraldaysintheirhomeonthebluffsoverlookingtheGeorgiaStraits.Iwentfishingwithourhostandcaughtthreelargesalmon.ItwasthefirstandonlytimeI'vefishedforsalmon.Afterathree-weektripwereturnedtothefarmuntiltimetomakeourOctobertreksouthtoTexas.Againwefellintoadailyroutineofwalkingtothemailboxat9:30,openingandreadingthemail,andattemptingtoanswerit.

AmotherfromMissouriletusknowthatwewerenotalone:

Iamsureyouspokeformanythousandsoffamilieswhohavethisfeelingofangerandfrustrationwhichdoesn'tseemtogoawaywiththeyears.Wealsohadsomeofthesamequestionsafterourson'sdeath,manynotanswered.We,too,talkedmostofthetimeaboutthewarandourson's

death,andmanypeoplewereturnedoffbywhatweweresaying,byourpreoccupationwiththewar.Mostofthemsaidtheyweretiredofhearingaboutitandseeingitdailyontelevision.Butourboyscouldn'tgetawayfromitbyturningoffTV.Theyhadtodietoleaveit.

Amotherwhohadlosthersonnineyearsearlierwrote:

IttookCharleyandmeninemonthstomakeChuckwithGod'shelp.IttooktheVietnamWarandtheMarinesjustninemonthstokillhim....IwishhehadgoneAWOLIwishhehaddesertedIwishIhadbrokenhislegwhenhewaslasthome.Welovehimso,andhavetoacceptthis.

AveteranfromNorthCarolinacorrespondedwithusinDecember1978afterreadingthebook:

IwasdraftedinNovemberof1966andwenttoVietnam....But...Icameback.Ididn'twanttobethere.Mymotherpleadedformenottogo.MyfamilyevenofferedtofinanceatriptoCanada.JustsoIwouldn'tgotoVietnam.ButIwastooproud.Boywhatabunchof"Bullshit"thatisnow.

InowammarriedandhaveasonwhowillbefourinDecember.Hisnameis"Michael"!...Ilovehimdearly.IknowthatthismightsoundbadbutshouldanotherVietnamarise,Godforbid,thereisnowayhewillgo.Idon'tknowhowIwillhandleit,butIknowthathewon'tbethere.

FromIowa,anineteen-year-oldwrotetousaboutherbrotherandtheimpacthisdeathhaduponherandherfamily:

Thelastnineyearshavebroughtalotofchangesinourhousehold.Mydadlosthistruckingbusinessin1971becauseafterDennis'deathhelostinterestineverythingandeventherestofthefamily.Itwashardformetounderstandthen,butnowIrealizewhatthedeathofanoldestsoncandotoafather.Theywereveryclose.

ThreemonthsafterthetelecastofFriendlyFire,asupportivelettercamefromawomanfromSanAntonio,Texas.Shewrotethattheshowandthebook"hitatthegutemotionsofVietnamlikenothingelsehasdonesofar."Sheadded:

IwishVietnamneverhadbeen,toleavesomuchhurtanddivisioninourcountry.ItdidhappenandIhopetoGodourcountryneverforgetswhatitdidtoourgenerationwithitspoliticalpoliciesandtheapathyofsomany

Americans....

Thankyoufornotquietlyacceptingyourson'sdeath.

Manyothersalsowrotetooffersupport,asinaletterfromawomaninCalifornia:"Youhavesavedcountlessyoungboyswhomayfaceasimilarsituationinthefuture.IfthepeoplewhorunthiscountryinWashingtonhavelearnednothingfromtheVietnamexperience,anditisdoubtfultheyhave,themothersandfathersofAmericahavelearnedmuch."Or,asoneveteranwroteus,"Michael,notJohnWayne,issymbolicofAmerica."

Notalltheletterswegotcamefromstrangers.Oneofthem,fromtheyoungwifeofacoworkerofGene'sattheJohnDeereplant,read,"Thepartaboutthemedalbroughttearstomyeyes,andfortherestofthemovie.WefeelespeciallyprivilegedthatyoucaredenoughtosharethatspecialmedalwithusandourlittleSam."

ThemedalshereferredtowasonewhichhadbeenpartofGene'sspirituallifesinceitwasgiventohimin1934byayoungstudentfromChinawhomhehadbefriendedatMarquetteUniversity.GenehadgiventhemedaltoMichaelasheleftforVietnam,anditwasreturnedlaterwithsmallitemsinhisleathershavingkit.TheonlyothertimeGenepartedwithitwaswhenhegaveittotheletter-writer'sfamilytohangonthecradleofSam,theircancer-strickenlittleboy.Again,themedalcamebacktoGenewhenSamdied.

TinaBourjaily,anotherlongtimeacquaintance,wrote,"ItmusthavebeenstrangetoseeyourselfplayedbyCarolBurnett.Anoddbitofcasting,Ithought,untilIsawwhatthecomedienne'ssenseoftimingcoulddotoaserious,dramaticrole."Overtheyears,TinaandIhavekeptintouchbytelephoneandmail.In1992whileattendingclassesattheIowaWriters'Workshop,Itooktimeouttohavelunchwithher.IwantedtodiscusswithherthatIwasworkingonamemoir.WhenIstartedtotalkaboutit,sheinterruptedandasked,"Whyintheworldareyouputtingyourselfthroughtheagonyofanotherstory?"IcouldonlyrestatemybeliefthattherealtruthofVietnamandsomeawful

truthsaboutwaringeneralarecontainedinthemassofcommunicationsthatcametousastheresultofthebookandmovie.

Thirteen:GeneGene'shealthbegantofailrapidlyinthespringof1986,afterhesufferedthreecardiacarreststhepreviousChristmas.HediedJuly16attheageofseventyinthehospitalinBrownsville.

Genewasbornin1916tosecond-generationIrishparentsinWaterloo,Iowa.TheMullengrandparentscamefromCountyLouthandtheMcDermottsfromCountyCork.Bothgrandfatherswereuneducatedandsignedofficialdocumentsby"makingtheirmark,"buttheydiedwealthylandowners.PatMullenlivedtobeninety-oneinthehousehebuiltin1872,wherehistenchildrengrewtoadulthood.Whenhediedin1926,helefteachchildaneighty-acrefarm.

Gene'smaternalgrandparents,theMcDermotts,retiredinWaterloocloseenoughtotheirgrandson'shomethatonthewaytoschoolhewouldruninthefrontdoor,grabahandfulofGrandma'scookies,andrunoutthebackdoor.GenehadfondmemoriesofsittingquietlyinthecornerofthekitchenonSundayafternoonswhiletheelderlyimmigrantsintheWaterloocommunitysataroundhisgrandfather'skitchentable,sippedIrishwhiskey,andrefoughtIreland'sBlackandTanuprisinginthe1850s.

Likemostyoungpeoplewhograduatedfromhighschoolinthemidthirties,Genehadlittlemoneytogoontocollege.However,he'dsavedenoughtoenrollinMarquetteUniversityinMilwaukeeandmanagedtostayalmosttwoyearsbeforehehadtodropout.Heworkedoffandonatvariousjobs,workingfortheJohnDeereCompanyduringtheirpeakseasonsuntilWorldWarII.

GeneandImetintheelevatorofthefederalbuildinginWaterloointhespringof1940.HewasafriendofthewomanIworkedfor,andhisbosswasapoliticalfriendofmymother.WewerecaughtinthemiddleoftwomatchmakerswhofeltthattwoIrishCatholicswouldmakeasuitablepair.HewasworkingfortheCensusBureau,andIwasemployedbythedistrictofficeoftheWorksProgressAdministration,commonlyknownastheWPA.WeweremarriedonNovember22,1941,inSacredHeartChurch,Pocahontas,Iowa,twoweeksbeforePearlHarbor.

Draftnoticeswereinthemailearlyin1942,butGenefailedhisphysicalbecauseofdeafness.Thedeafnesswastheresultofaseriousearinfectionattheageofseventeen,beforethetimeofantibiotics.HewasabletoenlistintheIowaNationalGuard,however,andlaterthatyearwasdraftedintothearmyfor"limitedservice"toserveaspermanentpersonnelonstatesidearmyposts.Hespentfiveyearsinuniformasmesssergeant,dividinghistimebetweenCampDodge,

Iowa,aninductioncenter,andFortLogan,Colorado,aseparationcenter.MichaelwasborninDesMoinessixmonthsbeforewemovedtoFortLogan.

Genehadobtainedtherankofmastersergeantatthetimeofhisdischarge,asheadoftheenlistedmen'smesshall.Itwasadifficultassignmentsometimesfeedingtwothousandsoldiersontwoorthreehours'notice.TrooptrainsfromtheWestCoastwouldpullintothefortatanytimeofdayornight,loadedwithsoldierstobedischarged.GeneralJohnMurphy,commanderofthepost,bragged

GeneatCampDodge,Iowa,1943.

thatSergeantMullenranthebestmessintheservice.WhenGeneralEisenhowerinspectedthepostinthesummerof1945,heelectedtoeatinthegeneralmesswiththeenlistedmen.

ProspectsforemploymentandhouseswerebleakwhenGenelefttheserviceinAprilof1946.Neitherofushadjobswaitingforus.Hismothersuggestedwemovetothefamilyfarm,andwedid.Lifeonthefarmturnedouttobeaterriblestruggle.Thelandhadbeen

abusedforyearsandwouldnotprovidealivingforGene'sfamily,norforhisparentswhohadnootherincome.DuringthisperiodboththeJohnDeereCompanyandRathPackinginWaterlooofferedworktofarmersduringthewintermonths.ThisprovedtobeaboontothemanyGIsreturningtothefarms.Thesepart-timejobseventuallyledtofull-timepositions,withwonderfulbenefits.ForyearsGenereferredtotheDeereCompanyas"St.JohnDeere."

Full-timeemploymentoffthefarmenabledGenetoforgeaheadinrebuildingthefarm,whichweboughtfromhisfolksin1948.Inmakingthepurchaseheobtainedtitletothefirst120acresinPatMullen'sestate,homesteadedin1852byMullen'sfather-in-law,JohnDobshire.Oftenworkingsixteen-hourdays,hewasrelentlessinmakingimprovements,tothedismayofhiswifeandchildren,whowatchednewoutbuildingsgoupwhilelivinginDobshire'soriginalhouse.In1961Genewasabletobuildanewhome,drawinghisownplans.Itbecameashowplace,builtforparties,andwehadlotsofthem.Genelovedtocookandwasagreathost.

AtthetimeMichaelwaskilledinVietnam,lifehadbecomemucheasierforGene.Thefarmwasattopproductionofcornandsoybeanyields,andheraisedthreehundredheadofhogsperyearandfedtwenty-fiveorthirtyheadofbeefcattle.Therewasmoneyinthebank,andhisfourchildrenwereexcellinginhighschoolandcollege.Theresponsibilityofsupportinghisparentshadendedupontheirdeathsin1960.Heearnedsixweeks'vacationonthejobatDeere,enablingustotravelatleastonemontheachyear.

However,nothinghadpreparedhimforburyinghisson.So,forthemostpart,Genelivedquietlywithhisgrieftherewasnoreleaseuntilthemomenthedied.Hecouldn'ttalkaboutitwithoutfindinghimselfinarageitwasmucheasiertoremainquiet.

IntheearlyseventiesGenerentedhislandonsharesandcutbackhis

cattleandhogoperation.Hefeltthatrentingonshareswastheonlyequitablewaytooperate,enablingtherentertoshareequallywiththeowner,ingoodyearsandbad.Whenheretiredafterhisheartattackin1976,hewasreadytoenjoylife.Hesimplyputoutofmindthedoctor'sprognosisthat,iflucky,hemightliveforthreeorfourmonths.Healwaysfounditconvenienttoturnoffhishearingaidwhenfacingbadnews.HelivedlifetothefullestfortenyearsinBrownsvillespendinghisdaysonaredmoped,wheelinginand

outofRVparks,meetingpeoplefromalloverthecountry.Atleastonceaweekhebroughtstrangershometodinner,manyofthembecominglastingfriends.Unfortunately,themopedalsogavehimtheopportunitytosneaktheforbiddencigarette.

AmongthelocalHispanics,especiallytheyoungpeople,hewasknownasMr.Amigo.Hewasalwaysreadytopumpupabicycletireor,ifnecessary,putapatchonit.HespenthourswithourMexicanneighborteachinghertospeakEnglishtoenablehertofindajob.AtChristmastimein1983weenjoyedthreeweekswithfriendsattheirhaciendainthemountainssouthofMexicoCity.Hepassedthedaysroamingthroughtheopenmarket,spendingfiveortencentsateachstall.Hedidn'tspeakawordofSpanish,butthatdidn'tpreventhimfromtryingtoteachhisnewMexicanfriendshislanguage.Whenourhostswouldreturnlatertotheirhacienda,thelocalpeoplewouldinquireabout''SeñorGuapo"(Mr.Handsome).HelovedeverythingaboutMexicoandwouldhaveretiredthereifhehadn'thadaheartattack.

InBrownsvillehewasaneasymarkforsomeoneinafinancialbindmanytimesitwasdonewithasignednotefromtheborrower,forothersitwasahandout.Hebelievedallhislifethatahandoutcamebacktwofold.PatriciarecallsthatoneChristmaswhenshewassmall,heannouncedthatfortheMullenfamilyChristmashehadboughtanewheatingstoveforafamilyinLaPorteCitywhohadnoheat.

DuringthewintermonthsoftheseretirementyearswemademanytripstotheinteriorofMexico.ThehighlightofthesetripsforGenewasavisittotheShrineofGuadalupeinMexicoCity.WeattendedmassthereonChristmasEvein1983.DuringthesummermonthswereturnedtoIowatovisitJohnandPatriciaandspenttherestofthesummertraveling.ManytripsweremadetovisitMaryandherfamilyinKalispell,Montana,withstopsinSpokanetovisitaniece.While

eatingdinneroneeveningwithMaryAnnandherfamily,heryoungsonBilllookedupatGeneandsaid:"ThisisthefirsttimeI'veeverseenamanwithanantennainhishead."(Hewas,ofcourse,referringtoGene'shearingaid.)

Genelivedtoseethebirthoffourgrandchildren.Hedidn'tworryabouttheirbirthsorwhetheritwasaboyoragirl,hejustprayedthenamewouldbe"Irish."Everyonecooperatedthefirstfourwere

Geneinthelivingroomofourfarmhome,1980.

namedRyan,Megan,Kate,andKellee.PatrickMichaelMullenarrivedayearafterhisgrandfather'sdeath.

GenewasburiedintheoldcemeteryatEagleCenter,Iowa,nexttoMichaelandourinfantson,Daniel,whodiedtwodaysafterbirth.Thecountrychurchwasoverflowing,andthistimewehadnodifficultieswiththearrangements.TheministerfromthenearbyChurchoftheBrethrengraciouslyagreedtosingGene'sfavoritehymns,''AveMaria"and"HowGreatThouArt."AsafinaltributetoamanwhoneverforgothisIrishheritage,thesoloistsangwithgustoanotherfavorite"WhenIrishEyesAreSmiling."Itechoedthroughoutthechurchandcemeteryaseveryonemadetheslow,shortwalktothegravesite.Mysister-in-lawremarkedlater,"Peg,Ididn'tknowwhethertoapplaudortocry."

IntributetoGene'slifelonginterestinAmericanIndianhistory,hisnephewBillsentmeacopyofChiefSeattle'sfamousspeech.Itbegins:

Donotstandatmygraveandweep,Iamnotthere,Idonotsleep.

ThesewordswereengravedonGene'stombstone.

Thefamilyreceivedmanymasscardsandcashmemorials,butonelettertouchedallofus.Ayoungmanwhogrewupasaneighborhadattendedthefuneral,andlaterthateveninghewrote:

Peg,itwasgoodseeingyouandyourfamilyagainafteralltheseyears....

IrememberthehelpGeneandMikegavemein4-H,thoughIwasn'taverygood"4H-er."Patricia'sintelligenceusedtofrustratemetonoendinelementaryschool.Inowappreciateherformakingmetrythatmuchharder....

MomandDadbothtoldmeofyourkindnessandhelpyouandGeneprovidedthemwhentheywerefirstmarried....

Iwillalwaysbeindebtedtoyouforthelargestsingleinfluenceinmylife,myobservanceofyourfamily'sperseveranceinsearchofthetruthfollowingMichael'sdeath.TheblindpatriotismandunquestioningobediencewhichhadcharacterizedthiscountrybeforeVietnamwereputbehindusbecauseoftheeffortsofGeneandyourselfandotherslikeyou.Myownlossofinnocenceandmaturity/growthcameaboutduetoyourefforts....

Ialsoneedtothankyouforhelpingmere-establishmyrelationshipwithDad.ItwasthroughdiscussionsofyoureffortsthatDadandIonceagainbecamefatherandson....

Genewasagoodmanwhoaccomplishedgreatthings.Hewillbemissedbymany.

InamedmythirdsonMichael.

Love,Rick

InAugustof1989IhadtovacatemyhomeinBrownsvillebecauseofhurricanewarnings.I'dbeengonetwoweeks,andwhenIreturnedIfoundtherehadbeenabreak-in.Whilesittingonthebedroomfloortryingtosortouttheclutter,Icameacrossasealedenvelopemarked"Donotopen"inGene'shandwriting.Ofcourse,Iopenedit.

MichaelE.Mullen,bornSeptember11,1944,killedFebruary18,1970.Hewasmyson,myprojectiontothefuture.Eacheraofhislifewasaperiodofdetermination,eachdayachallenge.

Michael,whenyoung,wassmallinstature,butnevertoosmalltohelphisfatheronthefarm,norhismotherasanextrahand.WhenheservedmassonSundayhischinwaslevelwiththealtarandhisdarkcomplexionprojectedfromthewhitebackgroundofhissurpliceandcossackhewore.

Hehadanicknamesodeartome,"JoeBlow."

Doyouremember,Mike,howdeterminedyouwereinyour4-Hprojects,yourfriendlycompetitionwithyourcompetitors?Youdidwell,Son.

Theninhighschoolyourtimewasconsumedwithbooks,basketballandclassplays;eachyearwasasteppingstonetowardyourgoalinlife.Howproudwereyourmotherandfatherwhenyouwereawardedascholarshiptocollege.

Youneverhadavacation,didyou,Son?Thesummermonthsduringyourcollegedaysyoualwaysworked,andonweekendsyouhelpedonthe

farm.Thelittletimethatyoucalledyourown,yourhandswereatrestbutyourmindwasplanningyourfuture.

Yougraduatedfromcollegewithhonors,wasofferedandyouacceptedaFellowshipinBioChemistry,youreducationalfieldandyourwayoflife.

YoudidnotfinishyoureducationworkingforyourDoctorate;someone,sosmall,sominute,butwiththeauthorityoflifeanddeath,saidthatyouwoulddomoregoodforyourcountrybykilling,thanbyfeedingthehungry.

Whenyouwerehomethe21daysbeforeleavingforVietnamyoulivedyourwholelifeoveragain.Youworkedateveryconceivabletaskyouhadeverdone.Eventothelastday,itwas10:30atnightwhenyoucameupfromthefields.Youmusthavefiguredthatyourlifeathomewascompleted.Somethingtoldyouthatyouwouldneveragainwalkthelandthatyousoloved.

Theexpression,thelastlookonyourfaceasyoubadeyourfatherandmothergoodbye;theshowofstrengthintellingusthatyouwouldbealrightandyourwishthatwewouldnotstaytosaygoodbyewhenyouboardedtheplane.Michael,Iwilllivewiththistilwemeetagain.

Thelettersyouwrotehometellingyourmothernottoworry,yourpersistentstatementsofthedestruction,corruptionandtheunnecessarytakingofhumanlife,andfinally,theordertofinishthetaskofSearchandDestroyonavillagethattheartilleryhadpoundedfor31\2hoursduringthenight.Whatwasleft,youandyourmenhadtodisposeof.Icouldnotbelievethatthiswasmyson,thatthiswaswhatIhadbroughtyouintotheworldfor.Thetakingofanotherlifewasnotthevoiceofyourconscience,butthedutifulacceptanceinyourroleofasoldier.Itwasnotbecauseyoujustifiedthewarorthepoliticalmeanstoitsend,butbecauseyouwere,Mike,obedientandrespectful,towhatyouweretoldtodo.

Ihaveremainedsilenttilnow,Mike.Yourmother,inherownright,hasgrievedandprotestedyourloss.

I,asyourfathernowask,"Whokilledyou,Mike?"Yes,I'masking"Whokilledyou?"Youneverknewthatnightthatyouandyourbuddyweredestinedtodie,northesevenothercasualties.Howcouldyouknow,Michael,becauseyouwereasleep.Ihavenotandwillnotacceptthemilitarydefinitionofthecausethatkilledyou.Why?Son,becauseyourfriendswhowereleft,toldusinwritingandinconversationwhentheycamehome,ofrumorsofwhathappenedthatnight.Fromtheblackmedic

whosatatyoursideandtried,invain,tohelpyou,fromthesoulbrother

withwhomyousharedyournewspaper,fromtheGIonguardthatwasnearyou,fromthePlatoonSgt.fromCompanyC.Theyalltoldofrumorsthattheywantanswered.Aretherumorstrue,Mike,onlyyouknownow?WasitnegligenceofcommandbytheofficersinchargeofthesupportingartilleryunitonHill410?Weretheyondutyundertheinfluenceofliquorandisittruethattheartillerypiecethatkilledyouhadarecordofmalfunctionandithadkilledothersbefore?

Ifthisbethetruththenyoudiedfornocauseinthisconflictwithnodefinition.Iftherebejusticeinthemindsofman,thenmanhasnotasyetlivedasman.

Goodnight,Son

Fourteen:ANewWarEarlyinFebruary1990ayoungreporter,LarryFruhling,calledmefromDesMoinesandaskedifhecouldcometoTexasandwriteafeaturestoryon"WhatPegMullenIsDoingTwentyYearsLater."Isighedandreplied,"Larry,peopleinIowaarehappyIfadedaway,andI'msuretheydon'twanttohearaboutmetoday."Hedisagreed,remarkingthathehadbeentoLaPorteCity,myformerhome,wherehe'dspentsometimewiththetownspeopleandfoundthemreceptivetoastory.HestoppedtoseemysonJohnathisplaceofbusinessandwasassuredthathewouldbewelcomedtomyhomeinTexas.Ashepreparedtodriveaway,Johnsaid,"You'llfindmymotherhaschangedlittle."

AtmyhomeinBrownsville,Texas,1990.TheDesMoinesRegisterranthisphotowiththeirfeaturearticleonthetwentiethanniversaryofMichael's

death.PhotobyLarryFruhling,reprintedwithpermissionoftheDesMoinesRegister.

Irelented,andLarryFruhlingcameandspentalmostfivedayswithme.Wetalkedandtalked,laughedalot,andhetookpictures.IdrovehimtoMexicotowalkthroughthemarketsagreatexperienceforthereporterwhotoldmethathe'dneverbeeninaforeigncountry.Weategoatroastedonaspit,withtortillasandhotsauce,washeddownwithcoldMexicanbeer.

Larrylatersentmeacopyofhisfeaturestoryonpageoneofthe

DesMoinesRegister,datedFebruary18,1990,thetwentiethanniversaryofMichael'sdeath.Ilikethestory,anditwasarelieftofindtheaccompanyingphotographflattering.Ithasbeenastandingjokeinmyfamilythatmyfaceruinsallthegrouppictures.

TheRegisterstoryresultedinthefollowingletterprobablythemostbeautifulIreceivedinthetwentyyearsofmailsinceMichael'sdeath.

DearPeg:

Thismorning'swell-writtenRegisterstorypromptsthislongoverdueletterofapologyforsomeparticularlyboorishbehavioronmyparttwentyyearsago.

IwasareporteratKCRG-TVwhenyoulaunchedyourprotests,inMichael'sname,againsttheVietnamwar.IhadreturnedfromVietnaminJuly,1969,andreturnedtoKCRGinJanuaryof1970.IhavereadandseenFriendlyFire.AndifIwasn'tthereporterwhosoinsensitivelyquestionedyourmotives,Imightjustaswellhavebeen.Idon'tremembertheexactdialogue,butitwassomethingontheorderof"Well,lotsofmothersareinyourplace,they'renotdoingwhatyou'redoing."Ialsoseemtorecallmysayingsomethingtotheeffectthat"IhavejustcomebackandIdon'tthinkit'sanunjustwar."

Overtheyears,I'vethoughtabouthowstupid,young,naive,anddownrightdumbIwasnottounderstandthesourceofyourpainandwhyyouwerefightingashardasyoudidagainstthatinanewar.

So,Iseekforgiveness.

IkeeparubbingofMichael'snametakenfromthememorialinWashingtoninfrontofmydeskasaconstantreminderofmyinsensitivity.

Moreimportant,Isuppose,isthefactthathavingreadandseenbothPlatoonandBornontheFourthofJuly,I'vecometorealizehowrightyouwerein1970and,judgingfromthismorning'spaper,howrightyoucontinuetobe.

Ihavecome,intheyearssinceIreturnedfromVietnam,tobeappalledby

thefollyofthatwarinparticular,andotherwarsingeneral.I'vealsodevelopedquitealotofdisgustforthisoranynationthatapplaudswhilepurposefullyturningitsfinestyoungmenintoinhumanebeings.

IrecallseeingPlatoonandbeingoh,Idon'tknow,disgusted,revolted,appalled,shockedormaybeallofthoseemotionsatonceastheaudiencemostlyyoungsterscheeredcinematicactsofinhumanitymuchastheymighthavecheeredonRambo.Tothem,Platoonwasa"movie."

Tome,inthosepartswhichIwasfamiliarwith,itwasareplayofmymind'smemoriesframebyframe.Therewereseveralofusolderfolks,obviouslyveterans,intheaudiencewhowerestunnedbytheimpactofthefilmonthisyoungergeneration.

Mymothertaughtmethatwords,oncespoken,canneverberecalled.Iwishitwerenotso;IwouldrecallminespokentoyouatyourhomesoliketheoneIgrewupinnearLaPorteCityaswesatinthekitchenandtalked.

PerhapsmybelatedrealizationofmyillbehaviorandthistooinconsequentialattemptatapologywillmakenodifferenceIhavenotyetlearnedhurtbutIthinkofyouoften;Iwill,fortherestofmylife,honorMichael'smemoryandthatofhismother,father(forIrememberGene,too),andhisfamily.

Furthermore,Peg,IamnowofanagewhereI(longaftermostothers,Iexpect)havecometoreally,truly,understandwhatyouweredoing.Myownsonisalmost18;Iexpectthatyourmostlastinglegacywillbethatofrolemodelforthoseofuswhomustnowfacethealltoorealpossibilityoflosingourownsons,too.

We,however,thankstoyou(andthanks,too,IexpecttoOliverStoneandRonKovicandtheothertaletellers)knowhowtofightbeforeit'stoolate.

TheRegisterarticlewaswonderfulandinspiring.Anditgavemeachancetowrite.Thanksforreadingthis;IalsowanttoexpressmyfartoobelatedsympathyaboutGene.

Godblessyou,andpleasekeepupthefight.Itisworthit.

ThestoryintheRegisteralsobroughtatelephonecallfromPegBurkeofthePhysicalEducationDepartment,UniversityofIowa,askingifIwouldspeakataseminarinJulyentitled"WomenLeadersinPeaceandJustice."Iacceptedwithoutmuchthought.

InAprilIreceivedaformalinvitationrequestingacopyofmyspeech.Iwasinformedthattherewouldbeanhonorarium,thatIwouldhavetwohours'time,andthatIwouldbethekeynoteron

Fridayevening.IcalledPegtosay,''Idonotwritespeeches,Ipaypeopletolistentome."ThenIaskedifshehadgottenthewrongPeg.SheassuredmeIcouldhandleitandthattherehadbeennomistake.Shesaidshewasn'ttooconcernedwithhavingacopyofapreparedspeech,adding,"Weknowyoucantalk!"

IdrovetoIowaforthesummerfrommyhomeinTexas,stoppedinDesMoinestovisitPatriciaforaday,andthenproceededtoIowaCity.Theseminar'sorganizerssentadrivertopickmeupatmyhotel,sinceIdidn'tknowmywayaroundtheuniversity.Whenwereachedthebuildingwheretheseminarwasbeingheld,Iwasmetandgreetedbyseveralwomenwhotreatedmelikeanoldfriend.

Whenitwastimeformetospeak,IapproachedthestagecarefullybecauseIwaswearingheels,broughtoutoftheclosetfortheoccasion.IhadmanagedthreestepstowardtheplatformwhensuddenlyIcaughtaheelandfellflatonmyface.Igotup,approachedthedais,andaddressedtheaudience."MostofyouknowmebecauseofCarolBurnett'sportrayalofPegMullenshehasmadealivingdoingpratfalls,andwhycan'tI?"Kickingoffmyshoes,IbeganbyexplainingwhyIhaddecidedtospeakoutagainafteradecadeofsilence.Thereason,Isaid,wasthatthecommandermostlikelytoleadtheU.S.militaryintothenextwarwassomeonewhofrightenedme.Theman,NormanSchwarzkopf,wasmylateson'scommandingofficerinVietnam.

IspentthirtyminutesrelatingsomeincidentsIhadreadabout,togetherwithtalestoldmebybitterex-GIs.Iventedtwentyyearsofdislikeforamanwho,inmyeyes,stoodonlyforwaramanwhowouldwinpromotionandadvancementbecauseofhisabilitytowagewar."Whatkindofmanisthis?"Iaskedmyaudience."Decisionshemadeascommandingofficerresultedintheslaughterofbeautifulyoungmen,manywithgoalsfarnoblerthanhis.Thousandsofyoung

soldiers,andtheirdreams,weresacrificedinacausetheentireworldnowrecognizeswasunjust.

"Whatkindofmanisthis?"

WhatmyaudienceandIdidnotknowwasthatwithinafewshortmonthsmy"colonel"wouldbeintroducedtotelevisionviewersthroughouttheworldas"Stormin'Norman"Schwarzkopf,thatwe'dhavetoenduremonthsofselling-the-generalbythemedia,orthatwe'dhearhimdescribedasa"teddybear,"alovableindividual

whoseeyeswouldbrimwithtearsatthemerementionofhisbelovedtroopsandohhowhelovedhisboys.

AttimesIhavequestionedmyownfeelingsaboutSchwarzkopf.CanitbethatI'vemadehimintoamonsterbecauseIneededsomeonetoblameforMichael'sdeath?Ofcourse,IrealizedyearsagothatthecolonelwasmerelyfollowingordersinhismindlesspursuitofbodycountinVietnam,butIwon'tforgivehishavingallowedthesacrificeofsomanyyoungmen,mostofthemdraftees,inacausehehadtohaveknownwasfutile.

WhenIreturnedtoTexasinearlySeptember,IfoundinquiriesfromtheNationandProgressivemagazines,bothwantinginterviews.Thentomyhorror,IlearnedmyJulyspeechinIowaCityhadbeenairedonNationalPublicRadio.

ForthenextfivemonthsIfeltlikeIwasundersiege,andIhadtoleavehometofindalittlepeace.Iinstalledanansweringmachine,and,forthefirsttimeinmylife,Idisconnectedthetelephoneintheevenings.Itseemedeveryreporterwantedtoknowmoreaboutthegeneral.

IwasgratefultohaveclosefriendsinBrownsvillewhowereinagreementwithmethatthewarwastheresultofPresidentBush'spersonalfeudwithSaddamHusseinofIraq.Wewereangry,butthereweretoofewofus.TherewasnodoubtthatDesertStormtookovermylifeduringthosemonths.SeveralofusorganizedtomarcheachSaturdaymorninginfrontoftheBrownsvillepostoffice.Somemorningsonlyfifteencame,andonlyoncedidwedrawasmanyasseventy-five.OurspiritssoaredthefewtimesthatBishopJohnFitzPatrickjoinedus.ThistypeofactivitywasnewtoBrownsville,andtherewaslittleresponsefromthepeoplewhodroveinandoutofthepostofficeparkinglot.Afterseveralweeks,oneyoungwomanjoineduswithasignreading:"Honkifyouagreewithus."The

responsewasimmediatethehonkswereasymphonytoourears,andwecheered.

Iwasaskedtospeakatalocalprivatehighschoolonthesubjectofwar,particularlytheGulfWar.Itwasn'tuntilIarrivedthatIlearnedIwouldbedebatingthecommanderofthelocalVFW.Hewasaveryattractiveforty-five-year-oldHispanic,bedeckedwithmedalsearnedintheVietnamtheaterandaherointheeyesoftheHispanicstudents.HegraciouslysuggestedthatImakethefirststatement,butafteronlyafewwordsintomytalkIrealizedthatI

wasbeingcastintheroleof''theenemy."WhenIfinished,theveteranroseinrebuttal,andwesparredforahalfhourbeforeopeningthefloorforquestionsandcomments.

Astudentspokeup:"Mrs.Mullen,youarebashingthepresident,andyouhavenorighttodothat."

"AreyoufamiliarwiththeConstitution?"Iaskedhim."Youngman,itismyright,andI'vebeenbashingpresidentssinceIwaseighteen."

Hisresponsechilledme:"Mrs.Mullen,PresidentBushisourleader,andifhecommandsustogotowar,weobey.Andinourculturewomendonothaveopinions,andifbychancetheydohaveopinions,theyremainsilent."

IfeltIwaslosingthebattlebuthadtomakeanothertryatreachingtheirminds.IdiscussedthereasonsBushhadgivenforgoingtowar,remindingthemthatearlyonitwas"toprotectourwayoflife."Iaskedthemtothinkaboutwhosewayoflifewasatstake.

"Isityourwayoflife,withthreecarsinthegarage,yourfatherdrivingaMercedes,yourmotheraLincolnTownCar,whileyoudriveyourownsportscarintotheschoolparkinglot?"Iasked."Orisitthelifeof90percentoftheinhabitantsintheValley,thehomesthatsuppliedthetroopsinthedesert?"Iremindedthemofthepovertyandhungerthatputmanyoftheseyoungmenandwomeninuniform."Theyareintheservice,"Isaid,''tobettertheirownwayoflifenottoprotectthethree-cargarage."Ipulledoutallthestopsandsuggestedthatwhiletheywereeatingdinnerthateveningtheyasktheirparents,"MomandDad,wouldyougiveuponecarforthedurationtosavealifeinthedesert?"

TheteacheroftheclassdroppedovertoseemethenexteveningandtoldmethatIhadleftthestudentsveryangry.Butafewweekslater,afterthewarvotewasactuallytakenintheSenate,hetoldmethatthe

classwaspolledandamajorityofthestudentsnowopposedthewar.

ByDecembertheelderlyMothersforPeacewerecallingeachotherfromeasttowest,northtosouth,allofusappalledthatouryearsofstruggleforpeacehadcometonaught.Mostofuswereoldandtiredandcouldn'tfaceanotherroundofprotestslikethoseofthesixtiesandseventies.

ByJanuaryof1991IwasintouchoncemorewithMaryMcGroryoftheWashingtonPost,acorrespondentwhohadbefriendedme

backthen.Weneededtodiscussourpersonalfeelingsaboutthemoodofthecountrywebothfounditdifficulttounderstandthewarfeverthatwasapparentlysweepingthecountry,andwewonderedwheretheactivepeacemovementhadfailed.MarywouldencouragemetocometoD.C.andmarch,onlytocallbackafewdayslaterandtellmenottocome.

Meanwhile,Imadeupmymindtogoanyway.IplacedanadintheBrownsvilleHeraldinvitingparticipationandgivingthedateandtimefordepartureofthebusaswellasthecostperpassenger.Itwasupanddownforthenexttendays,butbydeparturetimewehadaloadofthirty-eight.Therewereafewstudents,relativesofsomewhowereservingintheGulfWar,andatleastfourmotherswhohadnevertraveledoutsidetheRioGrandeValley.

WeleftBrownsvilleearlyThursdaymorning.Ourthirty-eight-hourtripthroughthesouthernstateswaslongandtedious,andwewerecontinuallycautionedbythebusdriversnottomentionourdestinationduringanyofourstops.I'msurewewouldhaveprovokedviolencehadwecarriedsignsonthebusordiscussedthefutilityofwarduringamealatoneofthetruckstops.

WearrivedinWashingtonshortlyaftermidnightandknockedonthedooroftheUnitarianchurchintheheartofthecity.ThedoorwasopenedbyMaryMcGrory'ssecretary,Tina,whohadbeenwaitingforus.Shegreeteduswarmlyandapologizedforlackofspaceinthechurchbasement.Shesaidthatbusloadafterbusloadhadshownupandthatnoonehadbeenturnedaway.TinasaiditseemedtoherthattheentirestateofMinnesotahadshoweduptomarchinsupportofnewlyelectedsenatorPaulWellstone,aleadingopponentofthewar.

Thefloorwhereweweretorestwasalreadycoveredwithaseaofbodiesitremindedmeofsardinesinacan,buteachofusmanagedtofindaspacetosleep.Ispreadmycoatandblanketonabarespot

where,exceptforanawarenessofsomeone'sfeetinmyface,Imanagedtosleepforthenextfivehours.

Weweretoldwemustvacatethechurchbasementby8:30inthemorning,becausethestreetpeoplewouldbeinforbreakfast.WeateatanearbyMcDonald'sandboardedourbusforashortridetotheparadestaginggrounds.Weparkedinthestreetandweremetbyapoliceofficerwhotolduswecouldleavethebusthere.AfewdaysbeforeweleftBrownsville,paradeinstructionshadbeenmailedtous

tellingthebusdriverstoproceedtoRFKStadiumafterunloadingpassengers.Thepoliceofficerbeckonedustogatheraroundwhilehegaveinstructionsforthemarch.Hecautionedustobepeaceful,asordershadbeenissuedtoarrest40,000thatday.AllIcouldthinkofwasthattheparanoiaoftheNixonyearsneverseemedtogoaway.

Themarchwasmassivebutorderly,andtheonlypoliceIsawthatafternoonweretheonesstandingelbow-to-elbowaroundtheWhiteHouse.DanRatherandDianeSawyerdescribedusonthenewsthateveningas"oldhippies"fromthesixtiesandputthenumberofmarchersat40,000.Itwasgreattoseealltheseniors,manyinwheelchairs,whoturnedoutforthemarch.AsIwalkedalongwithmysign,"AbuelasforPeace"(GrandmothersforPeace),IwasapproachedbyatallslendermanintheNewYorkgroupwhosaid,''EveryoneonthestreetwantstoknowifthelittleoldladyfromtheRioGrandeValleygothere."

IshowedhimmysigninSpanish,saying,"I'mnotasoldasMaryMcGrorywroteinhercolumnyesterday.I'mnotthelittleoldladyfromDubuqueintennisshoes,buthereIam,andImustlookninetytoday."Thelanky,elderlyNewYorkertookoffdownthestreet,shouting:"Shegothere,shegothere."Aswewalkedalong,aCBSreporterstartedcomingtowardmeandLupita,whohadaccompaniedmefromtheValley.Isuggestedthatheinterviewmyyoungfriend,asshehadabrotherinthedesert.Hewasn'tinterested,butwhentheCNNreporterapproachedus,hejumpedatthechance.Lupita,abeautifulHispanicwoman,lookeddirectlyintothecameraandsaidinSpanish,"ThisistheonlywayIknowtosavemybrotherfromdeathintheGulf."HerfamilywasoverjoyedwhentheysawandheardheroncableTVthatevening.

Afterthemarchingwasover,welistenedtoanarrayofspeakers,butthepassionoftheanti-VietnamWardaysjustwasn'tthere.Awarhad

started,butnooneinthecountrygaveadamn,except,perhaps,thefamiliesofthosewhoweretofightanddie.

Whenthespeakershadfinishedandthedemonstrationwasover,wewalkedashortdistancetoourbusandclimbedaboardforourreturntripsouth.Thedriversaidheregrettedthatweweren'tstayingoveradaysothathecouldgiveusatourofthecapital.Aswewereleavingthecity,hepointedouteverythingofinterestthatcouldbeseenfromthebus.IhadmyfirstglimpseoftheVietnamVeteransMemorial.

WedroveintoBrownsvilleearlyMondaymorning,justasmostpeoplewereontheirwaytoworkorschool.ThelittleoldladyfromtheValleywenthome,hunga"DoNotDisturb"signonherfrontdoorknob,andtooktoherbedfortwodays.Later,Itoldmynephew,wholivesnearby,thatIwouldneverengageinanotherantiwarprotest."Oh,Ithinkyouwill,"hereplied."You'llbeinanursinghome,organizingtheoccupants,leadingthemdownthehallsintheirwheelchairs,beatingonbedpansforpeace."

MarchinginWashingtondidnothingtoeasemyanguishovertheGulfWar.Itwasinfullswingitdevourednearlytwenty-fourhoursadayoftelevisionnetworktimeandwasonvirtuallyeverystation.Itwasinescapable,andwewereacaptiveaudience.AtleastonceeachdayweweretreatedtoasegmentonGeneralSchwarzkopfhimself.Therehewas,smiling,inhisdesertfatigues,gettingallmisty-eyedwhilespeakingofhisboys.

DidherememberhisboysfromVietnam,Iwondered.Howaboutallthedead,thelegless,themindless,thedruggies?Didhethinkofthemandtheirseeminglyendlessdaysandnightsofhorrorashepinnedonhisfourstarseachmorning?

Didherecallhisobsessionwithbodycount,theverykeytohisadvancementandpromotionduringandafterthatundeclaredwar?Wastherenottheleastremembranceofthosewhodiedfromfriendlyfire?

FortwentyyearsIhadprayedthatthehorrorofVietnamwouldremainsomuchwithusthatitwould,indeed,meantheendofallwars.ButbombingintheGulfWarbeganontheexactdatechosenmanymonthsinadvancebythepresident,eventhoughthemostinformedpeopleintheU.S.,bothinandoutofgovernmentandthePentagon,testifieddayafterdayforweeksinCongressagainsttheadvisabilityofgoingtowarintheMiddleEast.Beforelong,editorial

cartoonistsandothercriticsweresarcasticallyreferringtotheGulfWarasoneofPresidentBush's"thousandpointsoflight."

MostAmericanscheered,wavedflags,tiedyellowribbonsaroundlampposts,andwatchedthehigh-techwarunfoldfromthecomfortoftheirlivingrooms."We'refinishedwiththeVietnamsyndrome,"seemedtobethemessage."Ourcountryisbackontarget.Patriotismisaliveonceagain.Wecanannihilateanyoneyes,anyonewhodoesn'tagreewithus."

Thefewofuswhochosetobeintheminorityfoundourselvesalone.Searchingforwaystoprotest,IputallflagpostagestampsupsidedownonthelettersImailedanddisplayedasmallflagupsidedowninmyfrontwindow.EachmorningIwouldtieabatchofgreenribbonbowsandpinthemonmydresswhenIwentshopping.Clerksandcheckoutmenandwomenwerealwayscurious,andIwouldtellthemthegreenbowsstoodforpeaceandwithouthesitationpinoneonthem.

Thesellingofthegeneralcontinued.EveryeveningDanRatherorPeterJenningsappearedliveinthedesertwiththemanwhoappeareddestinedtobecomeanationalhero.

Thenithappened.OnthemorningofFebruary1thetelevisionnetworkswereabuzzwithanewsstory.Newspaperheadlinesannounced:"ElevenMarinesDieinDesertbyFriendlyFire."

TragicmistakesofVietnam,Grenada,andPanamawerebeingrepeated.GeneralSchwarzkopfhadbeensecondincommandintheGrenadainvasionandbecameinvolvedinafriendlyfiresituationwhenonememberofhisheadquarterscompanywaskilledandfifteenwerewounded.Hiscommandpostonthebeach,atthetimeoftheinvasion,hadnotbeenmarkedwithasmokeflarelikeotherareashousingfriendlytroops,resultinginanairattackcalledinbyamarineofficer.

AftertheGulfstorybroke,averysoberGeneralSchwarzkopffacedthecamerasandwasbesiegedbyreporterswantingdetails.Hadn'thebeeninvolvedinsuchanepisodepreviously,someoneasked."Stormin'Norman"bristledandreplied,"I'vebeenunderfriendlyfire,butIhaven'tcomplainedaboutitforyearslikesomehave."AnotherquestionerwantedhimtodiscussanoldthemefromtheVietnamdays,bodycount.Thegeneralsidesteppedthatquestion.Someoneelseaskedwhythemarineshadbeensentintoenemyterritoryeven

thoughthepresidenthadnotyetdeclaredthestartofthegroundwar.WithouthesitationSchwarzkopfsaid,"Wewerejustgoosingtheenemy."

Iwastrembling.Iwaitedinvainforjustonereportertoask,"Whywasitnecessaryto'goose'theenemy?"Theresult:elevenmarinesweredead,thefirstofthe"acceptablecasualties"sogliblyvoicedbytheproponentsofthewar."Howacceptable,"Iaskedmyself,"tothelovedonesleftbehind?"Now,withthenewscastsfullof

storiesrelatingthemarines'deaths,IthoughtofLupitawhohadmarchedwithmeinD.C.Herbrother,Oscar,wasintheareathathadbeenhit.Forthenexttwenty-fourhoursIagonizedoverthis.

Lateonthedayafterthetragedy,Lupitacametomydoorintears.ShesaidOscarhadcalledhometoreportthathewasthesolesurvivingmarineonhistroopcarrier.Hetoldofthemen'spanicwhentheyspottedtheAmericanbombershowtheyjumpedfromtheirvehicle,throwingeverythingathandintotheairinavainefforttoalertthepilots.ThemarineswerescreamingfortheirlivesastheirownmenswoopeddownonthemwiththatsamedestructivefirepowerthatthePentagonextolledeveryeveningonthenightlynews.There'dbeennolast-minuteefforttoabortthebombing.

"Oscarrememberedrecitingthe23rdPsalm,"Lupitatoldme,andashesaidit,somethingseemedtocoverhimhedescribeditasashroud.Afewsecondslaterhebecameawareofhissurroundingsandlookedaroundtoseetheyoungdriverofhiscarrierminusashoulderandarmdeadbodiesallaround."

Withinafewhoursofthereportofthefriendlyfireincident,IreceivedaninvitationtoappearliveonNBC'sTodayshowthenextmorning.IsaidIwouldappear,butwhentheproducersaskedthatItraveltoSanAntonioorDallas,Isaidtothem,"I'mretiredinBrownsville,andifyouwanttointerviewmeyou'llhavetocomehere."Theyagreed,andlaterthatafternoonIreceivedacallfromagentlemanwantingmyaddressandsaying,"Mrs.Mullen,IhavebeenhiredtocarryyoutotheNBCstudioinBrownsvilleinmylimotomorrowmorning."

IliveaboutamilefromNBC'saffiliatestationinBrownsville,whilethecallerwaslocatedinMcAllen,sixty-fivemilesawayattheotherendoftheValley.Ilaughedanddeclinedhisofferoftransportation,explainingthatIcouldcertainlygetthereonmyown.Hephonedback

twohourslater,saying,"Mrs.Mullen,thisisJosé.PleaseletmepickyouupIhavebeeneatingbeansandriceallwinterandIdesperatelyneedthisjob.""José,"Isaid,"youhavethejob,andIdon'tmindifyoudrivefivehundredmilestopickmeup."

I'msurewhenthelimousinearrived,Joséhadtobackintoournarrow,potholedstreettoreachmymobilehome.WhenJosé,inuniform,openedthedoorforme,Ifoundhealreadyhadapassengerafriendofmine,oneofthefewinthislargelyconservative

areatojoinmeinspeakingoutagainstthewar."You'renottheonlyonetorideinthislimotoday,"hesaid,laughing.

WhenwearrivedattheNBCstation,weweresomewhatamusedtodiscoverthat,sincethestationproducednolocalnewscasts,therewasnonewssetavailable.Sotheyhadtoimprovise.Iwastositonachairperchedontopofawoodenbox.AsIwasbeingassistedontomy"throne,"IfeltawaveofpanicwhatifIlostmybalanceandtumbledoffduringthelivetelecast?TheinterviewwasconductedbyBryantGumbel,andIwassurprisedtolearnthatCourtyBryanwouldbejoiningusfromastudioinNewHartford,Connecticut.Theprogramwentwell.

"Mrs.Mullen,"Gumbelasked,"doestheinevitabilityoffriendlyfiredeathsinanywayhelpyoucometogripswiththelossofalovedone?"

"Notatall,"Ireplied,"youdon'tevercometogripswiththelossofalovedone.Youdon'tmakethatlong,endlessridetoanairporttopickupaflag-drapedcoffinandeverforgetoreverbelievetherewasareason."

Gumbelcontinued:"Whatdidyouthinkwhenyouheardaboutthelatestfriendlyfiretragedies?"

"Ofcourseit'sgoingtohappen,"Ireflected."ThefiguresweresohighinVietnamprobably10,000outof58,000.ThisisjustthebeginningI'msuretherewillbemassivefriendlyfiresbecauseofmilitaryhardware.We'vesoldourhardwarearoundtheworld,sowe'llbefightingourownguns,tanks,andfighterplanes.Alongwiththesand,confusionwillbecomemassive.Friendlyfireswillbeobscene."

Gumbelwasanxioustocorrectmyfiguresandsaid,"The10,000youmentionedincludedallnonhostiledeaths."HeturnedtoCourtyBryan,"Mr.Bryan,doyouseeanydifferencebetweenVietnamandnow,in

thewaythePentagonhandlesthefriendlyfiredeaths?"

"Themajordifferenceistheopennessinwhichthearmyhandledthis,"Bryansaid."Theycertainlydidn'tdothatwhenPeg'ssondiedinVietnam."

"Whatistheprocedurenowforhandlingthesedeaths?"Gumbelcontinued.

"Pegreallytouchedanenormouschangeinthewaythesedeathswerehandled.Pegwasdeterminedtofindthecauseofherson'sdeath,andsheraisedholyhelluntilthearmytoldher.Itiscoin-

cidentalthatGeneralSchwarzkopfwasSergeantMullen'scolonelinVietnam.I'msurethishasmadehimsensitivetotheissueoflettingparentsknowhowtheirchildhasdiedinthewar."

"AmericansaresupportingtheGulfWarinoverwhelmingnumbers.Doesthissurpriseyou?"GumbelaskedBryan.

"I'msurprisedandamazed.Let'sstopkiddingourselves.Wearethereforoil.InthebeginningwesupportedtheVietnamWar.Asthewargoeson,howlongwillwesupportit?"

Gumbelturnedtome:"Mrs.Mullen?"

"Ifindithardtobelievethatthesupportisthere.Idon'tknowanyonewhosupportsit.Ibelieveitwasin1968whentheVietnamWarbegantofallapart.Wewerethereforoil,butthegovernmentdidn'ttalkaboutit.Wedidn'twanttheRussianstogetit.WewipedoutVietnamtosaveitnowtheystruggletoexist.Itcouldhappenalloveragain.

"IliketothinkofIwoJima,aneight-square-mileislandbombedforseventy-fourdaysduringWorldWarII.Yetwhenweputourmenonthebeachwelostoversixthousandmarinesandarmy.Lookatthelandtodaytheyareduginwithnoresupply.Itcouldhappenhere."

AsGumbelclosedtheinterviewhesaid:"Wecanonlyhopeyou'rewrong,Mrs.Mullen."

TheTVmonitorwasoffinthestudiowhenafamiliarvoicecameovertheair:"Hello,Peg,thisisMikeGartner."

Atthatmoment,IknewwhyIhadbeenaskedtoappear.MichaelGartnerhadbeeneditoroftheDesMoinesRegisterduringtheVietnamWaryearsandhadtakenastandagainstthewar,whichaffordedmeagreatdealofaccesstohisnewspaper.Now,twodecadeslater,hehadbecomesenioreditoroftheNBCNewsDepartment.

Aswarfevercontinuedtobuildacrossthecountry,Ibegantohavedoubtsaboutmyfeelingsconcerningthegeneral.HadIbecomeparanoid?Wasitanobsessionwithmetotrytodestroythemanbecausemysonhaddiedunderhiscommand?

IdecidedtocontactfourjuniorofficersfromMichael'sunitinVietnam,threeofwhomhadbeenintouchwithGeneandmetwenty-oneyearsago.Ihadtoknowhowtheyfelttoday.Weretheystillbitter?Hadtheymanagedtoexorcisetheirdemons?Iactuallylocatedallbutoneyoungofficer,whoseemedtohavefallenthrough

thecracks.Ifirstcontactedtwomotherstolearniftheirsonswouldbewillingtovisitwithme.ThefirstwomanIcalledassuredmethathersonwouldbehappytotalktome,andshegavemehisphonenumber.WhenIaskedforhishelpwithmydilemma,theveteranreplied:"Mrs.Mullen,youaresoright.Everythingyouheardandeverythingyoubelieveaboutthegeneral'sbehaviorinVietnamisrightontargetonlyfarworsethanyouknow."

ThesecondmotherIreachedinBostonwasquicktotellmeshewassurethathersonwasstillhavingthesameproblemstodaythathe'dcomehomewithintheseventies.Thebitternessandhatehehadforthegeneralhadneverlefthim,onlyworsenedduringtheGulfWar.Iwrotetohim,butherefusedtoanswermyletter.AnothersentwordthroughafriendtogoeasyonSchwarzkopf,sayingthathehadrecentlywrittenabookonhisownexperiencesservingunderhim,butwhenhelearnedthatSchwarzkopfhadbecomethetopgeneraloftheU.S.Army,hewasafraidtogopublicwithit.

Atthiswriting,ithasbeenmorethanthreeyearssincehostilitieswerebroughttoanabruptendbyPresidentBush.Theoil-wellfireshavebeensmotheredinKuwaitSaddamHusseinremainsinpower.TheU.S.militaryremainsinthedesert,withunitscomingandgoingtogiveprotectiontotheKuwaitigovernment.WewerepromisedthatallourmilitarypersonnelwouldvacatetheMiddleEastbyJuneof1991.PeacecontinuestoeludethepeopleofKuwait.

Forweeksafterthetruce,weheardhorrorstoriesaboutourmilitary'sperformanceinthearea:themassivekillingofciviliansinmisdirectedbombing,thetragicnewsthatabout65percentofourcombatlosseswereduetofriendlyfire(somenowsaythatthefigureiscloserto100percent),andtheEnglishfathersandmotherswantingananswerastowhytheirsonsdiedatthehandsofourmilitaryinmorefriendlyfireincidents.TherewereaccountsofU.S.troopspushingliveanddead

IraqisoldiersintotrenchesandburyingthemasourtanksrumbledoverthetrenchesontheirracetowardBaghdad.Themilitaryobjectiveofthisbarbaricmaneuverwastointimidatetheenemyandexpeditetheirsurrender.ThedistinguishedsyndicatedcolumnistJamesReston,duringaninterviewonCBS'sNightWatch,characterizedtheGulfWarasthecruelestactioneverconductedbytheUnitedStatesgovernment.

Throughouttheyears,IcontinuedtodiscussVietnamandread

bookafterbookonthesubject(withdifficulty).Ioftenwonderedwhatthenextgenerationwouldmakeofit.ThenIreceivedaletterthateasedmyconcern.

InNovemberof1985acallcamefromPhilStraw,ayoungprofessorattheUniversityofMaryland.HeexplainedthathewasteachinganhonorscourseundertheEnglishDepartmentandthathissubjectwastheVietnamWar.Hewaseagertopointoutthathehimselfwasaveteranofthewarandprobablyoneofthefewwhohadearnedadoctoratedegree.

StrawaskedifIwouldaddresshisclassviatelephone,andIreadilyagreed.Wescheduledthehookupfor10A.M.onNovember11,VeteransDay.Itwasaninterestingsession,duringwhichIattemptedtofieldanumberofquestionsposedbythestudents.Ifeltthehourpassedtooquickly.TeacherslikePhilStrawwillkeeptheVietnamstoryalive.

InOctober1991IheardfromoneofStraw'sstudents,whogavemesomeinsightintohowthecoursehadbeenconducted.Onthefirstdayofclass,Strawdistributedbookmarkstothestudents.Eachbookmarkcontainedthenameofthestudent's"bestfriend"someonewhohaddiedinVietnam.Atthestartofeveryclass,Strawwouldtellthestoryofoneofthe"bestfriends"andhandoutinformationonthatperson.Thestudentswerethenfreetodowhattheywantedwiththismaterial.Theyoungstudentwhowroteme,ofcourse,haddrawnMichaelashis"bestfriend.""HavingporedthroughallthatmaterialIfeltcompelledtowriteyou.Iwantyoutoknowthatyourson,Michael,isremembered."

Epilogue:Michael'sLettersHomeNearlyallthelettersMichaelwrotefromVietnamhavebeensaved.Reviewingthemnowaftermorethantwentyyears,Ifindthattheyrevealsubtlechangeshisexperienceswroughtoverashortperiodabitterness,weariness,andsenseoffutility.

DuringtheyearsthatCourtyBryanspentinwritingFriendlyFirewehadmanydiscussionsaboutthebehaviorandpersonalityofMichael'scompanycommander.CourtyalwaysdefendedColonelSchwarzkopf,contendingthathedidn'ttakecommandofthe198thuntilDecember1,1969.Morethantwodecadeslater,thesuddenchangeintheactivitiesofMichael'sunitatthattimejumpsoffthe

pagesatme.Hewritesoftheceaselesshumping,ofalwaysbeingtired,nevergettingtorestordryout,andputtingupwiththe''bullshit"thatwasgrowingworsethanthatbackintheStates.AllofthisoccurredwhenthemajorityofU.S.combatunitsinVietnamwerebeingheldbacktosavelivesandtoforcetheARVNtotakeoverthewar.Indiscussingthisupsurgeofactionwithveteranswhosurvivedthe198th,wecametotheconclusionitwastheresultofthecolonel'sneedforbodycount,theAmerical'srequirementforpromotion.

Editingtheselettershasbeenthemostdifficultpartofthisproject.Onrereadingthem,IcanfeelMichaelsearchingforawayoutofhispredicament,althoughheoccasionallychidedmeforsendinghiminformationonhowothersmanagedtogetoutofcombatdutyinVietnam.

Inoticedthatheclosedhisfinalnotewith"hangloose,"aphraseusedfrequentlybythemeninVietnam.IhadtosmileatthethoughtthatithadtakenMichaelalmostsixmonthstocatchontothephrasesotypicalofhim!Closertotheend,itseems,hetalkedalotaboutcominghome.

Michael'slettershomewerepublishedintheirentiretyintheDesMoinesRegisteronSunday,March29,1970.MydecisiontorepublishthemherewasmadewhenIrealizedthatthemajorityofreadersmayknowlittleabouttheVietnamWar,andmanywillhaveforgottenit.

TheyoungpeopleofthiscountrylivedthroughayearofthePersianGulfWarseeingonlyasanitizedversionontheTVscreen,withcontinualpropagandathatunquestioningpatriotismwasonceagainaliveandwell.

Thereisnoglamourtobefoundintheselettershome.Althoughtheycoverlessthansixmonths,theyactuallyreflectaten-yearperiodof

gainingground,losingground,andlosingthousandsoflivesinalostcause.Iincludethemhereinanattempttoshowwhatwarisreallyallabout.Youngsoldiersinbattledonotthinkoftheflag,patriotism,ortheirgovernmenttheyareconcernedwithsavingtheirownskinandthatoftheirfriends.

September23

Justanotherday.Wehadclassesallmorningwithmorethisafternoon.Theyentailedboobytrapsandratherhairy.

Ifyousendstuff,makesureitisasmallboxandcanbeeasilycar-

ried...foodlikeM&M'speanutsgogoodhere.WentthroughfinancehereandliterallyscreameachtimeIdoit.Imentionedinmylastletterthatifthebankdidn'tgetthe$60allotmentforJulytokeepinmindthatIamchargedforit.PleasecheckformonthsofJune,July,August,andSeptember.Nowastobonds,a$50and$25shouldcomeeverythreemonths.Keeptrackofthemandiftheydon'tarrive,pleasemakeinquiry.Whyallthebother?BecauseIambilledforthemhereandiftheydon'tarrivethere,theArmysaysithaspaid,soyouknowwhoisshorted.Theytellmethatit'sthebank'sproblem.

Wouldappreciateafrontpageonceinawhiletoread.Youdon'tgetnewshereifyoudon'thavearadioandIdon'twanttodragonearound.Todayishotandsticky.Therearen'tanyrealeasyjobsoverhere...itisa24-hourday,sevendaysaweek.SeethatNixonfinallygotaroundtomovingafewout.Thebayhereisratherbeautiful,largeandblue.

September24

Todaywespentatafirebasereviewingseveralweapons.Thenthetroopsfiredafewrounds...thusthedaywasshort.Ofcourse,alltimeisguardtime.Wetraveledaroundthebaseanditisquitelarge,likeshantytown.Wehaveashortclasstonightonthestarlitescope.Havehaditthreetimesbefore.Ihavefourdaysmoreofclasses.Myunitisabout15milesnorthwestofChuLaiandpullsshortpatrolsandguardstheareanorthofChuLai.Expectlaterwewillbereassignedtoanotherarea.

September28

IamatFirebaseBayonet,whichisjustoutsideChuLai.Willmoveouttomycompanytomorrowaboutnoon.Itisaplatoonwithabout25men,one2ndlieutenantandoneE-5likemyself.TheareawhereIwillbemovingisprobablyoneofthebetterplacesoverhere.Ibelieve

Igotabreakforachangebutknowfullwellnothinghere,evenabasecamp,isagoodhaul.

HavetwoE-5friendsinDCompany,sothingsareprettygood.Needonlyafewthings,(a)leathershoestrings,4pairs,(b)2rollsoffishingline,nylon,noquestions.Needthemforthingsyouwouldn'tunderstand.

October2

Havereceivedyourpackagewithtwolettersanddad'scomment.Pleasecheckallotments,sendshoelacesandnylonfishinglines.Themonsoonsarehereanditisrainingforaweekstraightnow,sohavebeenwetforaweek.HereiswhatIneed.SomethingthatIcanwearundermyfatiguestokeepwarmanddryitmustbelightweight.

October5

TodayIgotarubberwetsuittheykeepyoudry,butyousweatyourselfwet.Maybenylontightsmightkeepmewarm.Needonlysomethingformylegs.Asforfood,don'tsendanythingthatcan'tbeeateninonesitting.Now,whatamIdoing?Wesetupeachdayinanareacalledadaylogger,putuptentlikehutchestokeepoutofrain.Thenatnightwearegivenplacestocheckoutyoucouldcallthesenightsquadpatrolstoacertainareaandthenmoveout.Now,whatarewereallydoing?Wemoveoutatabout7toanareathatwecheckedintheafternoonandsetupaplatoonperimeterandsitoutthenight.Inthiswayourlieutenantisnotplayingthegamewhenyouhave70gruntsonyourback,itishardtokeepthingsundercontrol.

October8

Sameolestuffamdryingsocksoverapeanutbutterjar.Repeat,Ineedtheshoestringsandfishingline.Don'tsendanymorewashpads.Thingsareuptight.Wegetanywherefromtwotofour'coptersaday,onefor''C"rations,anotherforresupplyofequipmentandmail,maybeoneforahotmealandalwaysonetogetjunkoutofhere.

Theareawe'reiniswhattheycallthesouthernrocketpocketsouthofChuLai.WearetoprotectChuLaifromrocketsbyfindingthem.Thisisthejobofthe16th,whichisjustonebattalioninthe198th.Othersare196thupnorthand11thatDocPhu.Lastnightourplatoon

wentoutandsetupanambushawayfromourdaycamp.ThisgivesusprettygoodsecuritysinceallVCelementshereareofsmallnaturemostofthetime.

AsIsaid,weareresuppliedeveryday,cleanclothesonceaweek.Thehardestpartistofindoutwhatyouneedtocarryanddumpthenon-essentials.RightnowIamundermyponchotenthavemy

socksdryingoverthepeanutbutterjar.Mom,didyoureceivethemoneyIsenthome?ShouldbeaTreasurycheck,sobuyatimecertificatewithit.

October10

TotheJensens[closefamilyfriends]:Fromreadingyouknowthatmanyofthesepeopleliveinaprimitivewayinthatchedhutswithdirtfloorsandpersonalhygieneisnon-existent,soyoucanimaginetherealtroubleoverhere.Alsoanotherproblem,manyGI's,becauseofbitternessandfrustration,arecruelandinhumanetothesepeople,andthiscausesmuchtrouble.Foroverhereyoudon'tknowwhoyourenemyreallyis,everyVietnamesebecomesasuspectedenemy,andtheGIhasthebelief,bettermealiveandhimdeadinsteadoftakingachance.Itisalltoocomplextoexplaininafewwords.Supposeyouhatetoseewintercomewithallthesnow.Yet,alittlesnowwouldbeappreciatedbyme.Mustbegoingnow.

October16

Onlyhaveaminutetosay"hi."Amgoingtomountainsforaspellandhavetohumpeverything.Amin1stplatoon(198th)andhaveanROTCLt.givingordersbythebookandthebookdoesn'tmeanadamnthinghere.

October22

Justgotoutofthemountains.Willbringyouuptodate.OurareaofoperationsisclosetoChuLaibutsecondaryareaiswestandintomountains.OnSundaytheoperationsmajorsetupasearchanddestroymissionintothevillages[atthistimetheadministrationwastellingusthatourgroundtroopswerenotontheoffensive].Wesweptdownavalleyandthenupamountainandfoundasmallgrenade-minefactory,whichwedestroyed.Continuedupthemountains.Took

allafternoonandintonextmorning.Mycompanyhadoneedgeofmountain,anothercompanyhadtheothersideandARVNinthevalley.

SundaymorningwemovedoutandranintoarearguardofNVA.Ihadoneboyinjured.WekeptgoingandstayedontopImusthavefallenadozentimes.ThenlinkedupwiththeothercompanyandtheARVNleftus.Wesweptintoavalleythathadnotbeen

clearedabout4:30our'copterdrewfirefoundavillageunderthetreeswithaboutamiletogo.Whileattherivergettingwater,aVCunittriedtohitourrear,butweknockedthemout.

Furtherdownourplatoonkilledthreebuffalowhichthevillagershadturnedloose.Ourplatoonwasfirstinmovementthatdayandmysquadfirst.Wemovedintothevillageabout7P.M.andstayeduntil2A.M.DowntheroadacapturedmomasontoldofahardcoreVCvillage.Wepoundeditforthreehours(middleofnight)withartilleryandthenforabouttwomorehourswitha"Spooky'DC-3withmachineguns.Aboutdawnweburnedoutthevillageburnedtheothervillagealso.

Wewere'copteredoutat8A.M.andarenowfivemilessouthofChuLaiinarocketpocketbacktosafe(?)ambushes.Well,anywayyoucanseethatwecontinuetohavesearchanddestroymissions.

Amgladtoseethatthepresidentishavingsomepressureputonhim,butamsurehewilljustturnaway.Youcanseeheretheyaretryinglikehelltogetalldivisionsuptofullstrength,atleastinourarea,onthewholetheentiremessisajoke.Idon'tbelievetheNVAwantstofight.TheAmericangroundtroopshavesloweduptoo,withlessstressonlongmissions.TheareaIaminhasalotofrice,andthatisimportant.Butitisapipedreamtothinkyoucanbringthesepeopleuptotimeinacoupleofyears.Theyare200yearsbehind.

October25

Todayisasgoodaslastnightwasbad.Yesterdaywemovedoutandweretomeettheplatoonsergeantatarallypoint,forhehadbeenonpatrolallafternoon.Whenwemetwedisagreedastowherewewereandmovedouttoourambushsites.Thenabout9:30anaerialburst,whichiscalledamarkinground,wentoff100meterstoourrear.ThenallhellbrokelooseonourleftfrontandIgotonthehorncallinginandafter21/2hoursoffiguringcametoconclusionwewere1,000

meterstoofareastmovedatmidnight.

Thesearethekindofmistakesyoureadabout.Themapsarenotaccurate,trailsshownonmapwheretherearenotrails,andactualtrailsinbushnotshownonmap.Wewerevictimofatrailthatwasnewandthetrailonourmapwasfurtherwest,anyway,it'satoughballgame.Today,wegotbeer,sodaandhotchow.Amenclosing

Howard'snote.Getakickoutofthistrans-Pacificmail.Laughedatthepeacethingofthe15th.I'mafraidtheydon'tknowNixonNixoncan'tbepushed.

Anotherdaygoneby.Itrainedlastnightandthismorning.Ithasstoppedbutlookslikeitwillpitter-patterallday.Reallyenjoyedthepapers.Wearesupposedtohavethecoloneloutheresometimethisweek.Havetolaughatthemfortheyliveinadreamworld.Theyhavetohavefigures(bodycount)andnobodyknowswhatisaVCoraplainignorantvillager,atleastinthisarea.Havemytennisshoeson,feelcomfortablebuthaveasoreheel.Usingashoelacetoholduptheponcho.WegobacknorthonThursdayisalittlebetterarea.Sotillater,hangon.

October27

Finishedanotethismorningbutthatwasbeforemailcamein.Receivedyoursofthe22ndonthe27th,usuallyfivetosevendays.AlsogotanotefromPat,letterwithpicturesfromtheJensens.Thelastmonththe198thhasbeenlookingforhiddensuppliesandthismightaccountforthenewsaswefoundsomestuffinthemountainslastweek.

Gotnewspapersandappreciatethem.Gladtoseethatmybondscamethrough.Astomymoneyhere,itstayshere,about$180amonth.Itwastootime-consumingandbothersometomakeoutnewallotmentsandtheytaketwomonthstogointoeffect.Now,theyjustkeeparunninglogofmypayandIdrawout$20amonth.Nointerest,butthennotime,noworryandnomistakes.

IfyouanddadwanttogetmeasmallChristmasgifttryacheapluminousTimexbutmakesureitiswaterprooftheoneIhaveisnotandisalmostuseless.

October31

WecameoutofsouthernareaandbacktoourBasecampBayonetnexttoChuLai.Havehadarealsorefootforaweek,totheextentofbeingableonlytohopalong.Finallygottoafirstaidstationandhaveblistersundercallouses.Amenclosingmypayvoucherreceipt-guardit!Willbeherealldayandwhatapleasuretogetthreehotmealsandacoldbeer.ReallybelieveNixonisinabindifhecomesupshortoncontinuedslowingdownofthewar,thepressurewillbeonagain.Hecertainlycan'tusemoreofthat.

November1

DearMrs.Jensen:Theweathertodayhastakenaturnforthebest.Thesunhascomeoutandthingsaredryingout.Willworkinthesamegeneralareaforacoupledays,whichmeanslesshumpingthannormal.SeethatpoliticsarewarmingupathomewithVPgettingonTValot.Makesforinterestingreading.

Ifyouhavefollowedthepapers,youwouldhavereadaboutthemessinQuangNagiProvincenearmemurderingavillage,etc.Alotofthepaperstuffwasoverblownandmostlyrumorswerepublished.Butthereweresomeindividualsintheareaoverayearago,thatistrue,butoutoftimeandcircumstancethingstakeonadifferentcomplexion.

November3

Sameolddayhere,rainedlastnight.Infact,startedtoraintheminuteIgotbacktothefield,ifthatmeansanything.WearenorthofChuLai,aboutsixmilesandabouttwomilesfromthecoast.Mostlysmallvillageshere.Landisratherflatwithricepaddies.Wehavetwomoreweeksoutinthefieldbeforewegointoathree-dayrestatbasecamp.Wasbackatthecampforovertwodaysonaccountofblisters;wasawelcomebreak.Don'thaveanymoretosay.JustkeepthesteaksinthefreezerandhaveJohnalignthefrontendofthepurpleFord.

November4

Receivedyournoteofthe20thandhadtolaughat[mother's]impressionofNixonandespeciallyafterlisteningtohisspeechthismorning.Thenheendedwithmorepromises,ififif?IbelieveHughScottandafewoftheotherswhohadmadecommentshavetoswallowalittle,forNixonusedthem.Ibelievehewillbeforcedtoactdon'tthinkMansfieldwillbesokindnow.

Today,rainingasusualandweareinalargeopenvalley,allscrubbushesandnotrees.I'monthegroundonanairmattress.Paperscametoday.Thanks.

November9

TodayisSunday.ReceivedacamerafromHoward.Plannedtocarryit,butourconceptofoperationshasbeenchangedfromnightambushestodaypatrolling,whichmeanswalkingandIhateto

carryitaroundandgetithunguphereandthere.GotanotefromSgt.Cornu,abuddyfromMcClellan,andheisatPleiku.Havehadnoactionthereinamonth.Theykeepsayingherethatthingswillopensoon,buttheydon'treallyknowwhere,exceptthatthingsnorthwestofSaigonhavepickedup.Nomailtoday!

November11

Gotyournoteofthe5th.Rainingasusual.Willansweryourquestions.Toomuchbothertomakeanotherallotment.Willlose$50$75interestbutitwouldtaketwomonthstotakeeffectandinallhonestywillbehomebyJune.IhavebeenthroughenoughArmyfinancialcenters.

AsforNixon'svietnamizationitwilleventuallyfail,ourfront-linetroopsherehavelittlefaithintheARVN.Inourareathecoastalplainisaboutfivemilesfromtheseatothemountains.RightnowtheVCarecomingdownatnightintothevillagesandtryingtogetthemback,andthereislittlewecando.Thatiswhywearerunningnightambushesandwillstartpatrollingmore.

Astothewristwatch,yes,wearesupposedtogetthembuttheyarelonggonebeforetheygetdowntoourlevel.

Astomorale,hadtolaughatWestmoreland'sstatement.Mostofthetroops(grunts),E-6'sandbelow,arehopingthatthingsgetwilderathome.Theymaynotagreewiththedemonstrations,andmostfeelinourareatheyarewastingtheirtime.Militarily,IkindofagreethatallhellisgoingtobreaklooseafterChristmasandNixonwillbeonatack.

Somuchforthebadstuff.Forthenextthreedayswearetoguardabridge(TamKy)andfillsandbags,whichbeatssleepingontheground.Thenwegoinforathree-dayrestcalledstanddown.You

mustchecktoseehowmuchIhaveinmycheckingaccount.GladtoseethatMr.Saylorisgettinghispayment.Haveusedthecamerawilltakeafewmorewhileonthebridgeandtrysomehowtosendfilmhome.

November17

Haveonlyamomentalliswell.Weareinthirddayofstanddownandmoveouttomorrow.Hasbeenadecenttwodays.RanintoabuddyfromNCOatdivisionheadquarters.HadtogetapairofglassesandranintohimatthePX.GotaletterfromPat,Louiseand

yourcandyyesterday,soallisuptight.Therainhasletupthelasttwodays,butwecanswimanyway.Mom,writemorethanjustalettertothekid.

November19

Havebeentoobusytohopanotethisweek.Receivedyourletterwithclippingsandonlycommentbeingthatyoumustbethevocalminority,seemslikethesilentmajorityhastheupperhandnow.Weareoffstanddownnow,backoutinthefield.Amgettingnewspapersprettyregularnow.Wewillbepullingnightambushesforawhile.Weatherprettygood.Didn'trainlastnight.

November23

ReceivedyournoteandlaughedagainbecauseAgnewfeltstrongenoughtotakeontheTimesandPost.IshouldthinkNixonwouldbesufferingnow,andasforHaynesworth,theygothimwhereithurts.TheDemocratsdesperatelyneedafighternowtogettheballrolling.Ican'timaginewhythereisn'tsomeonetomoveforward.

SofartheonlybullshithasbeennorthofustowardDanang.Thereistobeabigbattalionoperationintwodays,sowillbeflyingagainsoon.Gotmovedouttwodaysagoasagunshipwasfiredat.Wefoundasmallcomplexandkilledtwoofthem.Wewentinaftertheaerialbombardmentandcheckedoutthefewtunnels.Justanormalday.

November28

Toobusytowritethepastfewdays,althoughthingsareratherquiet.Wishtheywouldstaythatway.WefeelthereisaslightchancethatourbattalionwillbeinthewithdrawalafterChristmas.IfIhavelessthansixmonthswillbesenttoanotherbattalion.

Doinglotsofhumpinglately.WehumpedwiththirdplatoonthisA.M.andaresweepingthevalley.Nowwearesittingontopofahillactingasablockingforce.Receivedyourwatchtoday,thanks.Butdamn,itisnotaluminousdialsonogoodfornightambushes.Amenclosinganothervoucherbesureandfileitaway.AmthankfulthatIamseeingE-5paywhenIseewhatsomeoftheboysarepaid.

Rightnowthey(headquarters)arehavingtheusualconfusionofcoordinatingthreeplatoons.Theywanttohaveafiremission,and

ofcourse,havetoclearanarea.Itisagreatwonderthisarmymovesaswellasitdoes.

December2

Humpedoutyesterdayasablockingforceandbacklastnight.Thisafternoonwegetresuppliedforathree-daymissionsoyouwon'tbehearingfromme.Couldyousendmesomecannedorangeorgrapefruitjuice?

Astopapers,youaresendingtoomuchdesireonlyfrontsectionandsports;seemsawasteofmoneytosendwantadsattoday'sprices.Rightnowamwaitingforthehotchowbirditislate.Havetogetmybootsbackonnow;reallyappreciatethetennisshoesastheyallowmyshoesandfeettodryout.Iwouldreallylikesome"realgold"orangejuice.

December6or7

Lyingunderponchointhesun.JustheardthatTexasbeatArkansas.Havehadplentyofmailtodayandyesterday.Havebeendoingalotofhumpinglately,butfornextthreedayswillbeinthesamearea.

YoumentionedthemessinQuangNagiProvince.You'vegottorememberthisisanareathatisstronglyVCandeventodaythe11thDivisionoperatingthereisconstantlyrunningintoboobytraps,etc.Youwillfindthatthethingwasballoonedalloutofproportionastowhatactuallyhappened.Inthiscase,Agnewwasright.Ifyoucansendaplasticunbreakablecomb,Iwouldappreciateit,alongwithasmallmirrorforshaving.Onethatwillsurvivelotsofabuse.Amwaitingforfood;hopeitmakesitinonepiece.

December9

Rathercoldtoday.ListenedtoNixonandhispressconference;gladto

seethatmoretroopswillbeleaving.Idon'tthinkitwillbethisbrigade,buttheAmericalwillloseoneunit,mostlikely.Gotyourcookiestoday;rightamountandrightcontainer.Amgladyou'recheckingonmymonthlyallotments,andwouldappreciateitifyoulumpedmysavingsandcheckingaccountsforanothertimecertificate.ThelastcoupleofdayshavebeenlazyandIhopetheystaythatway.Our2ndplatoontookoffintothemountainsonareconsweepandareeventuallyworkingbackthisway.Tomybackarethemountains,abouttwomilesaway.Keepthemailcoming.

December14

Only11daysofshoppingtilChristmas.Daysaregettinglong;wenowhavetodigineachmorningandthistakesaboutthreehours.TodaymyholeendedattwofeetandtherockswerebiggerthanIam.Thingsinthisareaaregettingchickenshit,tosaytheleast.I'mafraidthingsaregoingtoopenupafterChristmas;thesearetwo-levelintelligencereports.Kindofwonderifthehigh-upswillsayanythingaboutit.

Amtiredrightnow,sittingnexttomyfoxhole,whichisfacingintoahedgerow.Thestupidityofitallsortofmakesmelaughattimes.Westillhavetherainyseasonwithus.Don'thavemoretosay,butwrite!

December16

Gotyournoteofthe8thalongwithnutsandbread;bothwerereallyappreciated.Todayisrainasusual,andwearenowrequiredtodiginduringtheday,afoxholeandasleepingholewhichmakesforamesswithmud,andittakesmoreofthemorning.Wemoveoutat3P.M.toanotherlocationanddiginagain.Rightnowourplatooniswiththemortarplatoon.Theyhavehadtheirammorequirementsraisedandwehavetohumpintheextra.

Gladtoseealliswell,andMom,ImightaddyouarebecomingmorelikeGrandmawithyourpolitics.Asforthe198th,itismadeupofthreebattalions;1-6th,1-52,1-46withthe1-6protectingChuLai,whichmakesuslasttogointhebrigade.NowtheAmericalDivisionismadeupofthreebrigades196thbetweenChuLaiandDanang,198thatChuLaiandthe11thatDocPhu,whichisthebrigadeinwhichMylai,orPinksville,liesandissouthofhere.

Inthisbrigadethe1-52isslatedtoleavefirst.ReadinthepaperwhereFredFriendlycommentedonAgnew'sTVspeechandhe

seemedtothinkitdidhavesomemerit.Wouldappreciateitifyouwouldletmeknowwhatmyaccountamountstonow,andifover$500buycertificates.

December17

Sameplace,samehole6daysofrain.Wedidn'tgetresuppliedyesterdaysoamwaitingforfood.Nobirdsinairtoday,allgrounded.Therolloffilmthatisgoodprobablyshowsadayloggerinthe

pines,plusafewbirdsandcoupleofhuts.Now,wehavetostayonthegroundanddiginmudandall.Nixonistopullout50,000,hesaidyesterday.Willaffectthisdivisionandthe196th,withthe152togofirst.

Togetresuppliedwehavetodependonthe17thCavalry,andtheirtrackstoday.Amnotcarryingthecamera,toomuchweightandtoohardoncamera.Theareaaroundhereissmall,knoll-typehillswithbrushandricepaddiesinvillage.Havearidgeofmountainstowest.Mylettershavebeenevident,havebeenonthree-daymissionsthelastmonth,nothingbutpatrollinganarea,andnoresupplyduringtheperiod.

December22

SorryIhaven'tbeenabletowrite,butwearemovingallday,digginginatnight,andpullingaheavyguard,solittletimetodoit.ReceivedyourcookiesandMary'spackagetoday.Nutsweregood.Aboutallotments,waittilJan.7andiftheyhavenotcomebythen,sendmenotarizedstatementtotheeffectandIwillmakeatriptofinanceduringstanddownaround1315ofJanuary.DropanotetoMarilynthankingherformyChristmaspackage.AlsothankRosauer'sandSkinneyfortheircards.Myletterswilldependonluckforawhile,itlookslike.Wearerunningcompany-sizesweepsandthatmeanswalking.Can'tsaymuchmoreotherthanChristmasisonlyacoupledaysawayoranotherwayofsayingonlyeightmonthsleftinthishell-hole.

December25

ItisChristmasandalliswell.Weareevengoingtostayput.ThesuncameoutandwehadMass.Thebattalioncommanderwashere,soIguesswerateaboveaverage.Haveacoupleofcardstowritesothiswillbeshort.Expectwinteristhickandheavysnowbynow.

Receivedtheroundcanofcandytoday,sowasagoodpresent.TellPatIdon'thavetimetowritenow,withthishumpinginthedaytime.LookforwardtogettingoutofthisplacebyJune.Thingsareupintheair,nobodyknowsanythingexceptthatactivityisslowlypickingup,andpeoplehavetheirfingerscrossed.Keepthenewspaperscomingreallyenjoythem.ManytimesIdobelievetheyarebetterthanfood.

December30

Amwell,kickingandsotired.Hasrainedthelastcoupleofdays;wedidstopyesterdaytorest.Havereceivedyourlasttwopackages,fudgeandcookies.Ourareaofoperationshasbeenenlargedandwearehumpingmoreandenjoyingitless.Havejusttwoweekstilourthree-daystanddown.SawwhereIowabeatDrake.

January3

Amtiredandnofreetime.Todaywelookedforadownedplane.Missingtwomonths,andfounditlocatedoverabout80acres.Kindofanxioustoseeifwewillbeaffectedbywithdrawal.Amenclosingpayvoucher.Hopealliswell.

January3

DearJensens:Hopealliswell.Thingshavebeenlongasoflate,longhours,badweather,etc.Wouldtradethingsforalittlesnow.SorryIdon'twritemoreoften,butthelastmonthshavebeenhectic.Begood.

January4

Todayweareresting.LastnightourFirebaseBayonetgothitandmainlybecauseourbattalioncommanderhashiscompaniestoodamnfarout,andasaresultwearebeingairliftedbacktobase,andpullbunkerguardatleastuntilstanddown.Haswinterletupany?Itdoesn'tfeelrighttobelayinginthemudhereandnotcold.Mypapershavenotbeencomingthrough,lastbeingthe16th.Watchtheallotments.

January10

Wearestillonbunkerline,butwemoveofftomorrowforthree-daymissionbeforestanddown.Wehavebeenhereforaweek,whichisa

break.Hadathree-dayreprievefromtherain,butitisrainingagainnow.Gotyourlastpackageyesterdaysoamuptight.Itwasabouttherightsize.Hopewinterislettingupalittle.

Gladtoseetheallotmentsarecatchingup.Don'twanttoloseadimeoverthiswar.Asthingslooknow,theAmericalwillnotbeinvolvedinthenextbigwithdrawal,willbetheBigRedandabrigadeortwofromotherunits.GladtohearthatCecil'sbetter.

January16

Alliswellaminseconddayofstanddownandallisbullshit.Infact,madeupmymindtoapplyforanearlyout,andtogetoutbyMay25.Amnowaplatoonsergeantthebullshitisgettingworse,almostasbadasstateside.Afterstanddownamgoingonanothercompanyintothehills.HadtolaughaboutthepulloutlooksgoodtobringtheBigRedhome,buttheyaren'tdoingshitnowanyway.FeelnobodyknowsabouttheAmerical.Divisionalthoughitisthelargestin'Nam26,000.

Amrathertiredthisstanddownifallworksout,willhaveonlytwomoretogo.Havelesstimetowritethaneverbefore.Gotyourpopcornpackagetoday.YoumentionedTamKyyesifthefilmturnedout,thebridgepicturedisTamKy,acoastaltownonHighway1.Thedinksarecomingoutofthehillsinsmallgroups.Theyaregettingboldoflate.TwodaysagowewalkedthroughanareawheretheVChadbeenstayingwasarestareaalongtheriverrightinthemiddleofourareaofoperation.

HavebeenfightingasupplyproblemoflateseemsnowthattheARVNhastoppriorityonallitems.Thingsintherearareamess.

January21

Amwell.Havebeenhikingsincestanddownbuthavebeenstayinginthesameplaceatnight.Hikedfourcheckstoday,maybeshort,butthericepaddiesgettoyou.

Atstanddownfinancecameandmadeanoteaboutthe$60.00missing.Icouldn'tgetuptothemainfinancecentertodrawout$453.HavealreadywrittentoDocO'DellatUniversityofMissouri.

TosetthingsstraighttheVCherearesmallseldomseen.LasttimewesawanywasNov.17.Ourcompanylastmadecontact10daysagoonesniper.Theyarehereandsometimeswearejusthoursbehind,like

about10daysago.Butthingsaresubjecttochange.FivefromourplatoondidseeBobHopeatChuLaiflownin.Wehumpupahilltomorrowlookingforcavesarenexttoalargevillagecomplex.Keepthepaperscoming.Gottogo.

January23

WeareonthebunkerlinenowforashortspellduringTet.RecentlywemovedoutoftheNorthernRocketPocket.Weweregonejust

onehourwhenthedinksthrewninerocketsatChuLai.Wewerepickedupandflownbackhadtosweepahill2ndplatoonranintothreeVCandlosttwo,butwegotthem.Therocketstickswerejustahillbehindourpatrolbase.Myunitcameoutunhurtwalkedin.WillbeheretilmiddleofFebruary.Hopealliswellathome.Papersabouttwoweeksbehindbutthey'reappreciated.HopetohearfromDocO'Dellsoon.

February1

Youwouldneverbelieveit,butithasbeenrathercold.WeareonthebunkerlineatBayonetnearChuLai.Thingsareratherquiet,buttheysaywillpickupbutyouneverknow.Gotpaidyesterdaybut$60correctionhasn'tcaughtupyetandamenclosingvoucher.Rightnowwearesupposedtobebuildingbunkers,butbeingtypicalArmy,havenomaterials,notoolssameoldstory.Bye.

February2

Receivedyournoteofthe27th.Let'sgetonethingstraight,Mom.ForGod'ssake,stoptheworryingbit.Willyou!Ifyouworry,don'twriteaboutit.Asforthosetwochickenshitsitseemsiftheyweren'thappyintheirjobstheycangetoutofthemiftheywantedtobadenough.I'veseentoomanyofthesesoft,smartkidswritinghomecongressmenandsenatorsandMama,too.Ihavenostomachfortheirtype.Themainprobleminthismessisnobodywantstodohisjobanddoitthebesthecan.

NowtotryforanearlyoutshouldnotbehardtodooneE-5inourcompanyhadnotroubleingettingonefornightschool.

Allittookwasaletterofacceptance.Yes,Igotthescotch.Ican'tgettofinanceandIdon'tworryaboutit,notimportant.ThelastcoupleofdayswehavebeenbuildingbunkersontheoutperimeterorBayonet.

Itisaleisurelytypeoflife,worksome,restandsleepand,ofcourse,pullguard.RanintoaboyfromWaterloobynameofCulpepper.Theweatherhereoflatehasbeencoldandwintery,butnotlikehome.

February7

Alliswell,haveadrybed.GotaletterfromO'Dell.AllisO.K.AlsogotaletterfromUniversityofMissouriadmissionoffice.Havesentinmyenrollmentcardshouldbeanacceptanceinaboutthree

weeks.Wroteacheckfor$410toMissourisocoveritwithsomeofmymoney.Alsoboughtataperecorderfor$234,socoveritalso.Willtakesixtoeightweekstogethome.

February11

Wearestillatbunkerline.Willbehereacouplemoredays.Willmoveoutonasearchmissionforaweek.Theweatherisholdingreasonablywell.LastcardImentionedthatIhadwrittenachecktoMissouriandtheywouldsendmethepapersneeded.NowIhaveboughtasmallrecorderfromthePX,$234itshouldarrivebetween45to60days.Itisafairrecorder,decidednottotakeanRandRasIwilltrytogetoutofherebyJune,andmineisn'tscheduleduntilMayanyway.

February11

Pat:AlliswellgotyourCuttySarkbutitbrokecrossingariversowasn'tabletoindulgeinitcompletely.Seethatwinterhasbeenrathertough.AlsofootballpoliticsinterestingatIowa.HopeIowakeepswinningtheydesperatelyneedawinnerofsomesort.Havetorun.

February11

DearJensens:ReceivedyournoteandgladtoseethattheJensensaresurvivingthecrazywinter.Sortoftakesyoubackto1936,ha!Withluck,willbehomebyJuneI'mtryingforanearlyoutforschool.SincerelyhopeIcangetit.

Thingshavebeenratherquietoflateandhopetheystaythatway.WehavebeenonbunkerguardatBayonet.Nextweekwegobackintothefieldandgotoworkforthenextsixweeks.Tillthen,bewellandhealthy.

February13

Wentdownoffthehill,bunkerline,togetahaircutandcleanup,butendeduphitchingaridetoChuLai.WenttotheMarsstationbychance.Theywereopenandnotbusy,sogotachancetocall.Supposeitwasmidnightathomeandguessyouweresurprised.Wentfromtheretofinanceanddrewout$561andsentithomeviaexpresschecks.Wishyoutoputitinthebank.Willkeepthestubstilchecksreachhome.Willbeonthebunkerabouttwomoredays,

thenbackintothefield.Gladthatalliswellweatherherehasbeenrathercold.Whenmyrecordercomes,I'llappreciateitnotbeopenedbutstoredawaytilIgethome.Plantobuyabout$250moreequipment.Justaswelldoitnowaslater.HavedecidednottotakeanRandRifIcangetadrop.

Sotillater,hangloose.

unfriendly fire: a mother's memoir (singular lives)

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