untangled - lisa damour...• it’s about safety. when you talk with your daughter about rules, do...

untangledLisaDamour,Ph.D.

DiscussionGuide

untangled | DISCUSSION GUIDE

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DrLisaDamour.com

INTRODUCTION

• CHANGING HOW WE TALK ABOUT TEENAGE GIRLS. What comments have people made to you about having a teenage daughter? How have those comments colored your thoughts or expectations about raising your girl?

• THINKING IN TERMS OF DEVELOPMENTAL STRANDS. As you read about the seven developmental transitions introduced in Untangled, can you identify the domains in which your daughter is thriving and the areas where she struggles or gets stuck? Which strands do you feel she has already mastered? Which strands still seem far off in the distance?

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untangled | DISCUSSION GUIDE DrLisaDamour.com

CHAPTER ONE: Parting with Childhood

• GROWING APART. Howhaveyourespondedtoyourdaughter’sgrowingdistancefromyouorothermembersofyourfamily?Hasherwithdrawalfromfamilylifefeltpersonalorraisedquestionsaboutthemotivesbehindherwishforincreasedprivacy?

• STAYING CONNECTED. Arethereestablishedpatternsinyourfamilythathelpkeepyouconnectedtoyourdaughter?Haveyoufoundnewwaystospendtimetogetherthatdon’tfeeluncomfortablychildlikeforyourgirl?Doyoupickuptheconversationaltopicsyourdaughteroffersordoyouapproachherwithpre-plannedquestionswhenyouwanttotalk?

• LESS SUGAR, MORE SPICE. Hasyourdaughterbeenrudeorsurlywithyou?Hassheinsultedorrebukedyou?Howhaveyoureactedwhenyourdaughterhurtsyou?Howdoyourespondwhenshe’sunpleasantwithothermembersofthefamily?

• 13 GOING ON 30. Whathasyourdaughter’sjourneythroughpubertybeenlikeforher?Howaboutforyouoryourpartner?Howhaveyouhandleddisagreementsaboutwhatyourdaughtershouldwearandhowsheshouldpresentherself?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofpartingwithchildhood?Doesyourdaughterclingtobeingalittlegirlor,attheotherextreme,doessheseemtoberacingaheadtowardadultbehavior?

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untangled | DISCUSSION GUIDE DrLisaDamour.com

CHAPTER TWO: Joining a New Tribe

• PUTTING FRIENDS FIRST. Hasyourdaughterfoundonegoodfriend,oragroupoffriends,withwhomshefeelsclose?Howdoesyourdaughtermanagetheconflictsinhersocialcircle?Howcanyouhelpyourdaughtertobeassertive–tostandupforherselfwhilerespectingtherightsofothers?

• THE MORE, THE SCARIER. Doyoususpect(orknow)thatyourdaughterbecomeslesssafewhenshe’saroundherfriends?Haveyoutalkedwithheraboutthispossibility?Whatstepscanyoutaketomakesureshedoesn’thavetochoosebetweenbeingsafeandbeingcoolintheeyesofherfriends?

• FRIENDS IN NEED.Doesyourdaughterhaveafriendwholookstoherformoresupportorguidancethanisappropriate?Haveyouhadtohelpyourdaughtermanagethestrainofhavinganeedyfriend?Haveyoufeltthatyouneededtoalertanotheradulttoinformationaboutoneofyourdaughter’sfriends?Ifso,howdidyougoaboutit?

• SOCIAL MEDIA. Whatdoyouknowabouthowyourdaughterconductsherselfindigitalenvironments?Howcloselydoyoumonitorherdigitalactivity?Whattrustworthyyoungpeople(suchasawisecousin,belovedbabysitter)mighthelpguideorsuperviseyourdaughteronline?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofjoininganewtribe?Doesshehavefriends?Hasshebeeninvolvedinbullyingasavictim,bully,orboth?

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DrLisaDamour.comuntangled | DISCUSSION GUIDE

CHAPTER THREE: Harnessing Emotions

• EMOTIONAL HOT POTATOES. Howdoyourespondwhenyourdaughtercomplainstoyouaboutherday?Canyouidentifyatimewhenyourdaughterexternalizedoneofherfeelingsontoyou?Howdidyouhandlethatexperience?Whoprovidesyouwiththeemotionalsupportyoudeserveasyouhelpyourdaughtermanageherintensefeelings?

• GROUP THERAPY. Doesyourdaughtergetusefulemotionalsupportfromherfriends?Doesshesometimesbecomeoverlyupsetonbehalfofherfriends?Howdoyousupportyourgirlwhenshetakesonvicariousstressfromothers?

• BUILDING COPING SKILLS. Whatareyourdaughter’sfavoritewaystohelpherselffeelbetter?Howdoyousupportherpositivecopingskills?Towhatdegreedoesyourdaughterrelyonsocialmediatohelpherselfmanagehardfeelings?Doyoufindyourselfrushingintohelpyourdaughterwithdifficultiesshecouldmanageonherown?Ifso,why?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofharnessingheremotions?Doessheseemstuckinanunhealthyemotionalrut?Doessheuseself-destructivemeasurestocopewithherfeelings?

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CHAPTER FOUR: Contending with Adult Authority

• QUESTIONING AUTHORITY. Whendidyoubecomeawarethatyourdaughterwasnolongerbuyingeverythingadultswereselling?Howhaveyouhandleditwhenshechallengesyourbeliefsandexpectations?Howdoyourespondwhensherollshereyeswhiledoingwhatyou’veaskedhertodo?

• LOOKING FOR FRICTION. Whatminorrulesdoesyourdaughtertendtobreak?Whatdoesyourdaughterdothatrubsyouthewrongway?Howhaveyoureactedtohereffortstofindfrictionwithyou?Doyouuseyourconflictswithyourdaughtertobuildheremotionalintelligence?

• ALL TOO HUMAN. Howdoyourespondwhenyourdaughterpointsoutyourshortcomingsorthoseofotheradults?Whatareyourcrazyspots?Howdotheyaffectyourparenting?Howhasbeingaparenthelpedyoutogrowandchange?

• IT’S ABOUT SAFETY. Whenyoutalkwithyourdaughteraboutrules,doyoufocusontheconsequencesofgettingcaught,ortherisksshemightfaceregardlessofwhetheranadultfindsout?Hasyourdaughterbrokenaseriousruledesignedtokeephersafe?Ifso,howdidyourespond?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofcontendingwithadultauthority?Issheoverlycompliantwithalladults,includingyou?Doesshehavedifficultygettingalongwithanyadults?Doesshefindherselfstuckbetweenadultswhodisagreeorundermineeachotherwhenitcomestorules?

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CHAPTER FIVE: Planning for the future

• THE PUBLIC AND PERMANENT DIGITAL WORLD. Doesyourdaughterhaveatrackrecordofactingimpulsivelyonline?Ifso,howhaveyouresponded?Whatspeed-bumpsdoyouhaveinplacetohelpkeepyourdaughterfromexercisingagrosslapseofjudgmentinadigitalenvironment?

• SCHOOLGIRLS. Howdoesyourdaughterapproachherschoolwork?Doesshetakeresponsibilityforheracademiclife,ordoessheneedyoutostepin?Howhaveyourespondedwhenyourdaughterhasdifficultyatschool?

• MEETING CHALLENGES. Howdoesyourdaughterhandleacademicpressurearoundtestsandbigassignments?Howdoesyourdaughterreactwhenshefacesdisappointment?Howdoyourespondwhenthingsdon’tgoyourgirl’sway?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofplanningforthefuture?Doesherpursuitofhergoalsinterferewithherabilitytorelaxandenjoyherself?Doesshehavemeaningfulplansforthefutureordoessheseemtobejustbobbingalong?

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CHAPTER SIX: Entering the Romantic World

• HELLO, ROMANCE. Doesyourdaughtertalkaboutthecrushesinherclassorshareinformationaboutherlovelifewithyou?Howhaveyourespondedwhenthetopicofromancecomesup?

• WEIGHING IN. Howdoyouencourageyourdaughtertofocusongettingwhatshewantsoutofromance?Howdoyouhelpyourdaughtertoarticulateforherselfandherpartnerswhatshedoesanddoesn’twanttohavehappenwhenitcomestoherlovelife?Whatstepscanyoutaketoshieldyourgirlfromthesexismormisogynyshewillconfront?

• SLUT SHAMING. Howdoesyourdaughtertalkaboutgirlswhoaresexuallyactive?Howdoyoufeelaboutteenagegirlsbecomingsexuallyactive?Canyoutransmityourvalueswhilehelpingyourdaughterquestionsexualdoublestandards?

• LGBTQ. HowdoesyourdaughtertalkaboutchildrenwhoareLGBTQ?Doyouthink,orknow,thatyourdaughterisLGBTQ?Ifso,howhaveyourespondedtoyourdaughter’ssexualorientationorgenderidentity,bothwhenyouareathomeandwhenyouareoutintheworld?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofenteringtheromanticworld?Doesyourdaughterrelyonheralluretofeelgoodaboutherself?Doesshetakearomanticinterestinboyswhoaremorethanayearolderthansheis?

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CHAPTER SEVEN: Caring for Herself

• THE VEIL OF OBEDIENCE. Canyourecognizewhenyourdaughterisonlypretendingtolistentoyou?Canyouidentifywhatgetshertodonherveilofobedienceandwhatyoucandogethertocomeoutfrombehindit?

• EATING AND SLEEPING. Doesyourdaughterhaveahealthyrelationshipwithfood?Doyoutalkwithyourdaughterabouthereatinginawaythatputsherself-carefirst?Doesyourdaughter’sdigitaltechnologyinterferewithhersleep?Canyoucountonyourdaughtertotakestepstogetenoughsleep?

• DRINKING AND DRUGS. Doyouhaveopenlinesofcommunicationwithyourdaughterabouttheplaceofalcoholanddrugsinhersocialcircle?Canyouspeakfranklywithherabouttherisksthatcomewithdrinkinganddrugs?Doyoutalkwithyourgirlabouthowshewillkeepherselfsafewhenfacedwithpeerpressuretoengageindangerousbehavior?

• LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX. Haveyoutalkedwithyourdaughteraboutthevaluesyouholdregardingsexualactivity?Areyoucomfortablediscussingtheelementsofasafeandhealthysexlife?Doyoufeelthatyourdaughtercancometoyouasatrustedresourceregardingsex?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Doyouhavereasontoworryabouthowyourdaughterismanagingtheworkofcaringforherself?Doesyourdaughterdietexcessivelyortakemeasurestogetridofcaloriesshehasalreadyconsumed?Whenitcomestimeforyourdaughtertoleavehome,doyouthinkshewillbereadytocareforherself?

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CONCLUSION

• IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Aretheretimeswhenyouhavetakenyourdaughter’steenagebehaviorpersonally?Havetherebeenmomentswhenshehurtyouonpurpose?Ifso,whydoyouthinkshedidthat?Havetherebeentimeswhenyouhavebeenhurteventhoughthatwasnotherintention?

• NOW, ABOUT YOU. Howhasraisingateenagegirlhelpedyoutogroworchange?Whathopesandworriesdoyouhaveforyourdaughterasshebecomesanadult?Whatarethebestparts,foryou,aboutbeingtheparentofateenagegirl?

untangled - lisa damour...• it’s about safety. when you talk with your daughter about rules, do...

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