untitled alf spec script

7/29/2019 Untitled Alf Spec Script

1/22

UNTITLED ALF SPEC SCRIPT

byCarl Mygind

Carl MygindSomewhere in Toronto

P0S 7A1(800)-938-8487

[email protected]


2/22

1

FADE IN :

INT. GARAGE - DAY

WILLIE is fixing a LAWNMOWER. He is sweaty and has grease on hisface.

WILLIEThis needs more grease.

He reaches for something but cant seem to find what hes lookingfor.

WILLIEWhere is the gosh darn vasoline?

He gets up and looks around, opening drawers and lifting things,then pauses.

WILLIEALF!

He leaves the garage in a hurry to get back into the house.

INT. LYNNS ROOM - DAY

ALF is on Lynns bed. We see him from the back. A WOMANs legsare on either side of him and he is vigorously thrusting his armbetween them.

WILLIE (O.S.)ALF!

Alf turns around.

ALFYo!

The woman raises herself up and is revealed to be LYNN.

LYNNAlf! Dont answer him!

WILLIEWhy not? Hes calling my name.

LYNNCause youre not supposed to be here!


3/22

2

WILLIE (O.S.)ALF!

ALFYo!

Lynn shushes him.

LYNNHide in the closet, quick. And whatever dadsays, dont answer.

She pushes Alf towards the closet and covers herself up under theblankets.

ALFAll right, all right. You got anything to

eat in there?

LYNNJust go!

ALFFine. Sorry for having a healthy appetite,geez.

Alf hides in the closet.

We hear a KNOCK on the door.

WILLIE (O.S.)Alf, are you in there?

LYNNJust me daddy!

WILLIE (O.S.)

I could have sworn I heard Alfs voice. CanI come in?

Lynn hesitates.

LYNNI dont know, Im not feeling too well,dad.

Willie opens the door and comes in.


4/22

3

WILLIEOh, whats wrong honey? Are you all right?

LYNNYeah, its probably just the flu.

He touches her forehead.

WILLIEOh honey, youre burning up. Look at you,youre all sweaty and wet. Do you wantanything? A glass of water perhaps?

LYNNSure dad, a glass of water sounds nice.

WILLIE

Ok, Ill be right back.

Willie leaves the room. As soon as hes gone, Alf peeks his headout of the closet.

ALFIs he gone?

LYNNAlf! Get back in there!

ALF

But Im bored and theres nothing to eat inthere except those tiny tubes of red paste.

Alf shows Lynn a couple of EMPTY TUBES OF LIPSTICK.

LYNNAlf, thats lipstick! Youre not supposedto eat that!

ALFIts not bad, but it could use a little bit

more whale fat.

WILLIE (O.S.)Lynn? I forgot to ask, do you want any ice?

LYNNYes please!


5/22

4

WILLIE (O.S.)All right, Ill be right up!

LYNN(to Alf)

Go! Close the door!

ALFOk, Im going.(pause)Hey, do I have any lipstick on my teeth?

Alf opens up his mouth and all four of his teeth are covered inlipstick. Lynn shoos him away and he closes the closet door.

Willie comes back into the room with a GLASS OF ICE WATER.

WILLIEThere you go, honey.

LYNNThanks dad.

Willie notices that the JAR OF VASELINE is open on Lynnsnightstand. He picks it up.

WILLIEThere it is. Ive been looking all over forthis. Whats it doing here?

LYNNI dont know dad, it was on there when Icame in.

WILLIEIts full of hair.(pause)

ALF!

ALF

(from the closet)Yo!

Willie turns towards the closet.

WILLIEAlf, get out of there.

Alf doesnt respond. Willie walks towards the closet.


6/22

5

WILLIE

Alf, I know youre in there.

Willie opens the closet door to reveal Alf wearing one of LynnsDRESSES.

WILLIEWhat were you doing in there? And why areyou wearing Lynns clothes.

ALFI didnt want you to find me naked withyour daughter, thats all.

WILLIEYoure always naked, Alf.

ALFHmmm. Thats deep Willie, real deep.

Alf tries to head towards the door.

WILLIENot so fast, mister. What were you doing inthere?

ALFDrinking mascara, what do you think?

WILLIEWhy is there hair in my vaseline.

ALFWhats with all the questions?

WILLIE

All right, whats going on in here?(to Lynn)

Are you even sick?

She doesnt even have time to answer. Willie rips the sheets fromover her. She scrambles to cover herself up.

LYNNDad, Im naked!

Willie is furious.


7/22

6

WILLIETheres hair all over my daughters pussy!(to Alf)

Alf, were you fingerpopping her?

ALF

Yeah!

LYNNALF!

ALFWhat? Whats the big deal here?

WILLIEThe big deal is that shes sixteen andyoure two hundred and thirty! Get out! Get

out!(to Lynn)Well talk about this when your mother getshome!(to Alf)You, go to the laundry room. And take offthat dress.

ALF(sarcastically)

Oh, so a man cant wear a dress? Thatsreal progressive, Willie

WILLIE(to Alf)Dont make me any angrier, Alf.(to Lynn)You, stay here. Youre both grounded.

ALF

Geez, theres no fun allowed in this house.Cant eat the cat, cant fingerpop thedaughter, so many rules.

WILLIEGET OUT!

ALFAll right, Im going.

Alf makes his way towards the door.


8/22

7

ALFYou know you should take a yoga class everyonce in a while. You seem a bit tense.

Willie stares at Alf angrily.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Willie and KATE are sitting at the kitchen table.

WILLIEI dont know what to do here, Kate. I meanits one thing to sit on our couch and eatall our food--

KATE

Not to mention the fur balls.

WILLIE--not to mention the fur balls. But this?This is too much. Hes gotta go.

KATEWell hold on now, dont you think we shouldgive him a chance to explain himself.

WILLIEThere is nothing to explain. He

fingerpopped our daughter. Our onlydaughter. Her innocence is gone.

KATEOh, dont be so dramatic. She was going tolose it some day. I remember it wasnt solong ago that you were fingerpopping me.

WILLIEThat was different. We were in love.

KATEWell maybe they are in love. Lets give thema chance to explain.

WILLIEAll right. I suppose it cant hurt.

KATEGreat. Ill go get them.


9/22

8

Kate gets up and leaves the room.

INT. LYNNS ROOM - NIGHT

Lynn is on her bed crying and watching the music video Alf madefor her (Youre the One Whos Out of This World).

Enters Kate.

KATEOh honey, are you okay?

Kate sits on the bed and takes Lynn in her arms.

LYNN

I love him mom. Hes really great to me.

KATEI know honey, but you cant let himfingerpop you like that.

LYNNWhy not? I like it mom, it feels good. Andhes really gentle and caring with me.

KATEBut youre only sixteen. You got your whole

life to get fingerpopped.

LYNNWhat do you even know about fingerpopping,

mom? I bet youve never even done it.

KATEThat is not true. Your father and I have

fingerpopped plenty of times.

LYNN

Thats gross, mom. I dont want to talkabout this with you.

KATEWell were going to have to talk about iteventually. Your father is down in thekitchen right now, waiting for us.


10/22

9

LYNNOh, please mom, not tonight. I dont wantto do it tonight.

KATEAll right honey, you just rest. Ill talk

to your father. But tomorrow were gonnatalk.

LYNNThanks mom.

KATEYoure welcome, honey. I love you.

LYNNI love you too.

They hug. Then Kate gets up, kisses Lynn on the head and leaves.

INT. HALLWAY/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Alf is walking down the hallway. He is carrying a PLATE with aHUMONGOUS SANDWICH on it.

ALF(to himself)

Time for a little midnight delight.

As he passes the bathroom, he notices that the door is closed andthe light is on. He pauses for a second, then resumes walking. Assoon as he does, we hear a MUFFLED SCREAM coming from thebathroom.

Alf pauses again and knocks on the door, holding his plate in theother hand.

ALFLynn? Is that you? Are you okay?

The door opens and we see Lynn holding her bloodied left wristwith her right hand. She is crying and panicking.

LYNNAlf, I cut myself.

ALFWell... you want a bite of this sandwich?


11/22

10

Willie enters the room, wearing his PAJAMAS.

WILLIEWhats going on in here? I heard screaming.

He notices Lynns wrist.

WILLIEOh my Gosh! What happened? Are you allright?

LYNNIm sorry dad. I cut myself.

ALFAnd its really messing up her appetite

too. She wont even have a bite of mysandwich.

WILLIEAlf, shut up!(to Lynn)Im taking you to the hospital.

He gets a TOWEL from the TOWEL RACK and wraps it around Lynnswrist.

ALF

Hey! Thats my towel!

Willie and Lynn leave.

ALFNobody respects anything in this house.

Alf walks out of the bathroom with his sandwich.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Alf is watching the television.

Enter Willie, Kate and BRIAN.

ALFHey guys. Well, how is she?


12/22

11

KATEThe doctor said is was a minor cut. Itshould heal in a couple of weeks.

ALFThats great news!

Kate takes off her COAT. Willie hangs his HAT.

WILLIETheyre keeping her on suicide watchthough. Can you believe it? 48 hours shehas to stay there.(pause)

And its all your fault. Youve really doneit this time, mister!

ALFWhoa, whoa! I didnt cut her! The onlythings I cut that night were theingredients for my sandwich.

WILLIEI cant talk to you right now. Im going to

my room.

Willie leaves.

BRIAN

Look Alf, they gave me a glove!

Brian shows his hand. He is wearing a RUBBER GLOVE.

ALFThats great buddy. Maybe you can use it tofind out what crawled up Willies--

KATEALF!

Alf opens his arms innocently. Kate shakes her head.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Willie is sitting on his chair, reading the newspaper.

Alf enters and sits on the couch.


13/22

12

ALFYo, Willie my man, hows it hanging?

Willie doesnt even look up from his newspaper.

WILLIE

Im still mad at you, Alf. Dont talk tome.

ALFIs this a bout the fingerpopping thing?That was days ago.

Willie puts the paper down.WILLIE

It was yesterday. Lynn is still in thehospital.

ALFReally? When is she coming back?

WILLIEShe comes back tomorrow. And when she does,

were going to have a serious discussion

ALFBoy, I wouldnt want to be her.

WILLIE

The discussion will be about you andwhether or not we throw you out on thestreet. Ive got a mind to report you tothe Alien Task Force myself.

ALFOh.

Willie resumes his reading.

ALF

So anyway, how about that Mrs. Ochmonek,huh? Nice cans.

WILLIEALF!

ALFWhat? Im talking about her new trashcans.Didnt you see? She got em yesterday.


14/22

13

WILLIE

Look Alf, I just want to read in peace. Idont want to talk about Mrs. Ochmonekscans!

As Willie says that, Kate enters.

KateWillie!

She leaves the room, offended. Willie gets up and goes after her.

WILLIEHoney, wait! I was talking about thetrashcans!(to Alf)

Thanks a lot, Alf.

ALFYoure welcome. Its about time someone inthis house recognizes my contribution. Now,lets see whats on TV.

INT. LYNNS ROOM - NIGHT

Lynn is lying in her bed. She has a BANDAGE on her left wrist anda FOLDED WASHCLOTH over her forehead.

Alf enters, wearing a NURSES UNIFORM.

ALFPaging Dr. Alf to Lynns room. Dr. Alf,Lynns room.

LYNN

Alf, thats a nurses uniform.

ALF

Nurse, doctor, whats the difference?

LYNNAbout 10 years of medical school and ahundred thousand dollars a year.

ALFOh.


15/22

14

LYNNAnd where did you even get that outfit?

ALFKates closet. I never knew shed had so

many jobs. Nurse, policewoman, some sort of

latex based job--

LYNNYou dont need to name them all.

ALFRight. So, how is the patient?

LYNN(playfully)

The patient is fine.

LYNN (cont.)Though the anti-depressants are making me alittle dizzy. I could use a glass of wateractually.

ALFWell get it yourself! Im not your servant!

LYNNAlf, what do you think nurses do forpeople?

ALFI dont know. We dont really havehospitals on Melmac.

LYNNArent there any diseases on Melmac?

ALFNo. Well except...

LYNNExcept what?

ALFThe Orange plague.

LYNNWhats the Orange plague?


16/22

15

ALFOh, It was horrible, Lynn. Youd lose allyour hair, then your ears would shrinkand...

Alf turns his head away in shame.

LYNNWhat, Alf?

Alf turns back towards her.ALF

Youd lose your appetite.

LYNNThat doesnt sound so bad.

ALFNot so bad?! You havent seen what Iveseen, Lynn. Millions of uneaten hamburgersburned in the streets, mass cake graves,even the cat population nearly tripled!

LYNNIm sorry, Alf. Did the hair ever growback?

ALFYes, but the ears never did. Look at me. On

Melmac Id be a small-eared freak.

LYNNAnd the appetite?

ALFYes, well, now that you mention it, I couldgo for a sandwich or ten.

Alf heads towards the door. As hes about to exit the room, heturns to Lynn.

ALFYou need anything?

LYNNThat glass of water would be nice

ALFRight, one glass of water, coming up.


17/22

16

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Alf comes down the stairs, still wearing the NURSES OUTFIT, andheads towards the kitchen.

As hes about to enter the kitchen, Willie comes out.

WILLIESay, why are you wearing that outfit, Alf?

ALFIts Nurse Alf for you, sir. Im tending toLynns needs.

WILLIEI thought I told you to stay away from her!

ALFGee, relax, Will. We werent fingerpoppingor anything.

WILLIEYou bet your fur covered bottom you

werent. What were you two talking about?

ALFNothing. She needs a glass of water, thatsall.(pause)

Oh, and about ten sandwiches.

Alf tries to go into the kitchen.

WILLIEGet back in here mister! No sandwiches foryou. Youre still grounded.

ALFAll right. I got it. You cant blame me fortrying.

WILLENow, go get Lynn that water. And tell herthat well all meet in the kitchen infifteen minutes. Its about time we had afamily discussion.

Alf heads for the kitchen once again.


18/22

17

WILLIEOh, and Alf?

ALFThe dress, I know.

Alf enters the kitchen and Willie stands around, befuddled.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Willie, Kate, Alf and Lynn are all seated at the kitchen table.

WILLIEAll right everyone, we need to address thefingerpopping issue.

Brian peeks his head in from the living room window.

BRIANHey, whats going on?

WILLIEBrian, go to your room.

BRIANBut I want to be part of the meeting.

KATE

Brian, your room please.

BRIANAre you guys talking about thefingerpopping?

WILLIE

What? No! Wait, who told you about thefingerpopping?

BRIANAlf did. He said it wasnt a big deal.

Willie glances at Alf.

WILLIEWell it is a big deal. Go to your room,

well talk later.


19/22

18

Brian reluctantly leaves.

BRIAN (O.S.)No one ever lets me talk aboutfingerpopping.

WILLIE(to Alf)

You told him about the fingerpopping?

ALFYeah. I dont understand what all the fussis about. On Melmac, eveybody fingerpopseverybody. We even have a fingerpoppingfestival. Its on the fourth of July. Youshould see all the popping that goes onthen.

WILLIEEnough about Melmac. We are here to talkabout the fingerpopping that went on hereon earth. In this house, to be morespecific.

ALFI didnt know you and Kate fingerpopped.Congratulations!

WILLIE

Not me and Kate. You and our daughter.

ALFOh. That.

KATENow, we understand that you guys havecertain urges.

ALFUrges?! Fingerpopping is part of my DNA!

KATEWell, if were going to be a family wecant fingerpop each other.

WILLIERight. No more fingerpopping between youtoo. Do you understand?


20/22

19

LYNNBut dad!

KATELynn, honey, we just cant have you guysfingerpopping each other.

ALFWhoa! Wait a minute, homie dont play that!

KATEYou know what I meant. I meant youfingerpopping her.

Alf nods in agreement.

KATE

(to Lynn)Listen honey, we just think that if youregoing to get fingerpopped, it should be bya boy your age, not by a hairybicentenarian alien.(to Alf)No offense.

ALF(sarcastically)

None taken.

LYNNOkay mom, I understand. And I wont try tokill myself anymore, I promise.

Kate takes Lynns hands in hers, happy.

ALFGreat. Everybody gets what they want.

Willie smiles.

WILLIEIt looks that way, Alf. It looks that way.

Willie puts his hands behind his head and leans back in hischair, balancing himself on the chairs rear legs.


21/22

20

ALFBy the way, Kate, do you have any makeup.Preferably a nice lipstick from a goodvintage?

KATE

What for?

ALFNothing. Never mind. Ill just mail ordersome and put it on Willies card.

Willie almost falls backward in his chair, but maintains hisbalance at the last second.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

Willie is working on the same lawnmower as in the beginning. Onceagain, he reaches for something that he cant seem to find.

WILLIEThe vasoline again?(pause)

Alf.(pause)

ALF!

Willie runs out of the garage.

CUT TO :

INT. HALLWAY/LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY

Alf is walking towards the laundry room. He meets Brian who iswalking in the opposite direction. Brian has an EMPTY GLASS JAR

in his hands.

ALF

Hey buddy, whatcha doing?

BRIANI saw a frog in the yard! Im going tocatch it and make it my pet.


22/22

21

ALFGreat! Does that mean youre not gonna eatit? Cause I know someone who would reallyenjoy that.

BRIAN

You would eat a frog?

ALFYeah. Well except the legs. Thats the

worst part.(pause)Hey, listen, lets go into the laundry roomfor a second, Ive got something I wannashow you.

Brian enters the laundry room. Alf follows and it is revealed

that he is holding the TUB OF VASOLINE.

FADE OUT.

THE END

untitled alf spec script

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