verbal self defense

Effective Verbal Self-Defense

MAJ Mason S. Weiss

Instructor/Writer

U.S. Army Military Police School

www.thewritesofweiss.com

November 2014


November 2014

•Based on the book The Gentle Art of Verbal

Self Defense by Suzette Elgin; and

•Real life judo instruction provided during

Operation Iraqi Freedom by Master at Arms,

Senior Chief Raymond Green, USN.

“When you need to learn a lesson, the

teacher will appear.”

Self-Defense in the Octagon

Basic

Principles:1. Know that you

are under attack;

2. Know what kind

of attack you face;

3. Know how to

make your

defense fit the

attack

E

Everyone

understands

why you

A

If you really

(do)

HS

om

eX

’s

wo

uld D

Eve

n y

ou

sh

ou

ld

The Various Attacks

A. If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t (Y)

B. If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t want to (Y)

C. Don’t you even care about (X)?

D. Even (X) should (Y)

E. Everyone understands why you (X)

F. A person who (X)(Y)

G. Why don’t you ever/why do you always?

H. Some (X’s) would (Y) if/when (Z)/(W)

November 2014

The Various Attacks

1. Always remain calm!

2. Do not respond emotionally!

3. Do not escalate!

4. If you cannot remember what to say, then the

following will almost always work:

“You know, it’s interesting you’d say that.”

November 2014

Warning!!!

•If you are a military leader, do not use the octagon to

“counsel” your subordinates!

•That makes you an abusive, toxic, tyrant, not a leader.

•Do not use the octagon against your spouse, friends or

family either. That will destroy relationships.

•If you use the octagon offensively, eventually, you will get

put in your place by someone who knows how to defend

themselves properly.

November 2014

“Section A” Attacks

If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t (Y)•Must respond to the presupposition of X, not to the content

of Y!

•Never reply to the blamer mode with another blamer mode

utterance

Him: “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t waste so much

money.”

Her: “You know, it’s interesting that so many men have this

feeling that their wives don’t love them. Why do you think

that’s the case?”

or

Her: “When did you start to feel that I didn’t love you?”

November 2014

“Section A” Attacks

If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t (Y)•LTC Jones: “MAJ Smith, If you really cared about the

mission, you would/wouldn’t do (Y).”

•MAJ Smith: “You know, Sir, it’s interesting when leaders

think their subordinates don’t care about the mission.”

•LTC Jones: “Well, I’m only talking about you.”

•MAJ Smith: “Well then, Sir, when did you start feeling I

didn’t care about the mission?”

•LTC Jones: It’s obvious you haven’t cared from day one

•MAJ Smith: It’s interesting that a professional like you

would wait several months after you noticed such a

deficiency to mention it.

November 2014

“Section B” Attacks

If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t want to (Y)

or If you really (X), you wouldn’t even want to (Y) or, If you really (X), you would at least want to (Y)

•These attacks presuppose two things:

(1) You don’t really (X); and

(2) You have the power to control not just your actions, but

also your personal desires.

•Presupposition (1) may or may not be true, but

presupposition (2) is always false.

•Pick which presupposition you want respond to before you

proceed.

November 2014


Example 1: Full computer mode:

Mother: “If you really cared about my health, you

wouldn’t want to dress that way.”

Daughter: “The idea that people don’t care about

other people’s health is interesting—don’t you

think? It would seem that any human being would,

just naturally, be concerned about the welfare of

other people. . .but just look at the state of health

care in this country!”

November 2014


Ex 2: Responding to the 2nd presupposition



Daughter: “You know, the idea that people are

able to control not only their actions, but their

desires also is a fascinating one.”

November 2014


Ex 3: When?



Daughter: “When did you start thinking I didn’t care

about your health?”

November 2014


Ex 4: Have you always?



Daughter: “Mother, have you always thought that

people could control their wishes and their

desires?”

November 2014


Ex 5: Counter-Attack?



Daughter: “Mother, when a woman reaches your

age, dear, she often begins to think that nobody

cares about her health. It’s very common, and it’s

perfectly understandable, and you mustn’t worry

about it for a single minute.”

November 2014

“Section C” Attacks

“Don’t you even care about (X)?”

Presupposes:

(1) You don’t care about (X); and

(2) You should care about (X) and you’re rotten not to, and

therefore;

(3) You should feel guilty about this.

November 2014


Example 1: Blunt approach:

Them: “Don’t you even care about _____ (your

little girl flunking third grade, your job, etc.)”

You: “No, why?”

November 2014


Example 2: When

Them: “Don’t you even care about _____ (your

little girl flunking third grade, your job, etc.)”

You: “Pardon me, Bob, but when did you first start

thinking I had no interest in _______”

November 2014


Example 3: Redirection:

Colonel Smith: “Don’t you even care about the

mission here in Crapistan?

You: “Sir, do you see this indifference to the

mission as a general problem, or do you feel it’s

confined to company grade officers here?”

November 2014


Example 4: Computer Mode:


mission here in Crapistan?You: “That question is definitely worth exploring;

however, before any attempt can be made to answer

it, there is the problem of actually putting one’s finger

on the cause of this indifference to the mission that

you’ve noticed. A number of factors that might account

for it come to mind—but your perception of the

matter—from where you sit—would constitute a

valueable source of preliminary data.”

November 2014


Example 5: Counter-attack:


mission here in Crapistan?

You: “Sir, that’s an interesting idea…that a Soldier

who wants to spend time in the gym, take care of

his personal needs, and go on midtour leave isn’t

concerned about his job. But I never expected to

hear it from you.”

November 2014

“Section D” Attacks

“Even you should . . .” “Even (X) should (Y)”

•“Even someone your age should know that term papers

have to be typed.”

•Presupposes:

(1) whatever your age is, it’s wrong;

(2) the fact that term papers have to be typed is so well

known that for you to know to not know it is further proof of

how inferior you are and;

(3) you should feel very guilty and ashamed.

November 2014


“Even you should . . .” “Even (X) should (Y)”

•The essential response to a Section D attack is the

following pattern:

• “The opinion that [fill in the presupposition] is a rather

[interesting, common, typical, etc.] one, but I’m surprised to

hear it from you.”

November 2014


Example 1

Husband: “Even a woman ought to be able to

change a flat tire, you know.”

Wife: “The opinion that women are somehow

inferior to men is a rather common one—but I’m

surprised to hear it coming from you, darling.”

November 2014


Example 2

Boss: “Even a company grade officer should know

how to do this.”

You: “The opinion that a company grade officer, or

any officer, should have zero defects is a rather

interesting one, but I’m surprised to hear it coming

from you, Sir.”

November 2014


Example 3

Boss: “Even a Lieutenant should know how to.”

You: “Sir, have you always thought that lieutenants

didn’t know what they were doing?”

Boss: No, just you.

You: Well, let’s talk about it then. What I can I do

to improve?”

November 2014


Example 4

Boss: “Even a Lieutenant should know how to.”

You: “Sir, you’re absolutely right and I’m going to

do something about that just as quickly as

possible. Do you want to help me with that right

now our should we set up a time for later?

November 2014


Example 5

Boss: “Even someone who doesn’t give two shits

about the mission of this task force should care

about . . .”

You: “Sir, when did you start feeling like I didn’t

have any interest in the mission here.?”

Boss: “It’s obvious you never have.”

You: “Like I said, Sir, when did you start feeling

this way?”

Boss: “From the day you got here.” November 2014


Example 5

You: “That’s interesting.”

Boss: “What’s interesting?”

Boss: “That a professional like yourself would wait

three months to counsel a subordinate about their

deficiencies.”

Boss: “Huh?”

You: “Is everything okay…with you…Sir?”

November 2014

“Section E Attacks

“Everyone understands why you (X)”•“Anyone with even a shred of decency can understand

why you (X).” DO NOT RESPOND TO (X)!!!!

•Presupposes:

(1) There is something very wrong with you;

(2) This ‘something wrong’ is well known to everyone

around you;

(3) This ‘something wrong’ is so wrong that we are more

than willing to forgive you for it;

(4) You should be very, very grateful to all of us for being

so perceptive and understanding;

(5) You should be very ashamed of yourself.

November 2014


Example 1•Boss: “Everyone understands why you (X).”

•You: “How very kind of them. I’m deeply touched. And

how nice of you to mention it.”

•Now, sit back, wait, and look mildly interested.

November 2014


Example 2

•CDR: “Jim, everyone understands why you’re having such

a tough time as a Platoon Leader.”

•You: “Sir, the unit that’s able to achieve such a spirit of

understanding is really rare and undoubtedly a credit to

your great leadership. One can only feel sympathy for

other military units where such a spirit is lacking.”

November 2014


Example 3•CDR: “Jim, everyone understands why you’re having such

a tough time as a Platoon Leader.”

•You: “How perceptive of them. And how nice of you to

mention it, Sir.”

•CDR: Well…that’s not really what I wanted to talk to you

about.

•You: Oh, sorry. Nothing like a misunderstanding to start off

a conversation. Why don’t we start over. What is it you are

trying to say, Sir.

November 2014


Example 4

•CDR: “Jim, all of your colleagues, including me understand

why you are so convinced you can’t trust any of us.”

•You: “Do they? I’m sure the support of one’s colleagues is

always reassuring in situations of this kind, Sir.”

•CDR: “I’m not sure you understand what I was trying to

say, Jim.”

•You: “That is of course possible, Sir.”

[Sit back, and wait with a neutral expression]

November 2014


Example 5

•CDR: “Jim, I want you to know that all the leadership here,

including me, understands why you are having such a hard

time.”

•You: “The way that field grade officers are always able to

agree on every issue is an amazing phenomenon. One

wonders what the Army would be like without that

determination to hang together at all costs.”

•CDR: “I’m don’t think you understand me”

•You: “That’s possible. What are you saying, Sir.”

[Sit back, and wait with a neutral expression]

November 2014

“Section F” Attacks

“A person who (X) (Y)”

•“A person who wanted to succeed on this deployment

would volunteer to go out on dangerous missions that are

of little to no value.”

•Presupposes:

(1) There is a set of persons who want to succeed on this

deployment; and

(2) You are not one of them.

November 2014

“Section F Attacks

Example 1

•CDR: “Mike, a person who really wanted to succeed on

this deployment would volunteer to go out on dangerous

missions”

•You: “That seems perfectly reasonable.”

•CDR: Silence . . .

November 2014


Example 2•CDR: “Mike, a person who really wanted to succeed on

this deployment would volunteer to go out on dangerous

missions”

•You: “I couldn’t agree with you more, Sir. The problem is,

of course, deciding how one should determine which of

these missions to volunteer to go on.”

•CDR: Silence . . .

•You: You’re quite right. There are no immediate answers

that jump out.

•CDR: Well, Mike, what do you think out to be the first

step? (fishing)

November 2014


Example 2•You: “Frankly, Sir, it’s entirely out of my area of expertise.

That you called me in on the matter is gratifying, but I’m

afraid you’ve overestimated my scope of competence.”

•CDR: “I see, well thank you, Mike.”

•You: “Not at all, Sir. It’s unfortunate that I’ve got no useful

input to offer, but I’m quite sure you’ll find someone else on

the task force who will be able to clear things up

satisfactorily.”

November 2014


Example 2

•You: “Frankly, Sir, it’s entirely out of my area of expertise.

That you called me in on the matter is gratifying, but I’m

afraid you’ve overestimated my scope of competence.”

•CDR: “I see, well thank you, Mike.”

•You: “Not at all, Sir. It’s unfortunate that I’ve got no useful

input to offer, but I’m quite sure you’ll find someone else on

the task force who will be able to clear things up

satisfactorily.”

November 2014


Example 3

•CDR: “Mike, an officer who has any concern for his career

wouldn’t show up late for work.”

•You: “That seems perfectly reasonable”

•CDR: “Then why did you do it.”

•You: “I’m sorry. I don’t know, and I don’t intend to do it

again.”

November 2014


Example 4

•CDR: “Mike, an officer who has any concern for his career

wouldn’t show up late for work.”

•You: “You’re absolutely right. The problem, of course, is

what to do in a situation like that.”

•CDR: “A situation like what?”

•You: “Like when your dog dies and the toilet explodes, and

then your car won’t start. It’s hard to know what to do then.”

November 2014

“Section G” Attacks

“Why don’t you ever / Why do you always”

•Blamer attack mode

•Presupposition is you never (X) or always (Y)

•Comes from people we have close relationships with

•Don’t take the bait and do not strike back!

November 2014

“Section G Attacks

Example 1

•Wife: “Why don’t you ever try to make me happy?”

•You: “Would it make you happy if we quit our jobs and

moved to Wyoming?!”

•Wife: “God no!”

•You: “Well, lets not do that then! What would you like for

dinner?”

November 2014


Example 2

•Husband: “Why do you always . . . (X)!”

•Wife: “You know, if I’m doing that, I should be ashamed of

myself. Tell you what, you make a list of things you don’t

want me to do [about X . . . .make it overkill]? Fair enough?

November 2014


Example 3


•Wife: “What’s really bothering you?”

November 2014


Example 4


•Wife: “What’s really bothering you?”

November 2014

“Section H” Attacks

“Some Xs would Y if/when Z”

Example 1

•CDR: “Some field grade officers would become very upset

if their subordinates asked for a 4 day pass this early.”

•You: “Really, Sir. It would be interesting to hear your

opinion on the matter.”

November 2014



Example 2



•You: “That’s been said a good deal and is undoubtedly an

interesting idea.”

November 2014



Example 3



•You: “I wonder if your colleagues are aware of your

position on the matter.”

November 2014



Example 4



•You: “Well, Sir, how nice to know you’re not one of them!”

November 2014



Example 5



•You: “It’s interesting you’d say that. What exactly do you

mean?”

November 2014


Questions?

www.thewritesofweiss.comSeptember 2014

verbal self defense

Leadership & Management