EXPERIENCE QUIET CONFIDENCE

With

Larry Barnett, Ph.D.

Copyright 1999

Introduction

Late one afternoon in 1989, I sat in my office talking with a 32-year-old woman who had just been discharged from the psychiatric unit of one of our local hospitals. Her admission followed what must have been her third or fourth attempt at suicide. We talked for a while of her depression, her misery, and her hopelessness. This was not her first session with me. She came for a brief series of meetings about a year before her most recent admission. She began to feel a bit better and terminated then. A pattern was obvious.

“We need to focus on getting healthy,” I said. “Mental health is more than the absence of immediate misery.”

“I don’t have any idea what it’s like to be healthy,” was her response. She told me she had no idea what it might take to be “okay”.

I wanted to give her something to read, something simple and brief, to help her focus on the idea, the goal of confidence and competence. I did a mental search of my collection of books and tried to recall others that might be helpful for her.

I was frustrated because so many titles and messages focused on problems. There were many books that focused on ways to understand how our past shaped our lives today. We are victims and codependent. We love too much. We are afraid to fly. We are “okay”, but we play mind games. We need to find courage to heal and overcome shame.

Later I reflected on my formal education. We studied mental illnesses far more than mental health while I was in school. “Was therapy more than relief of symptoms or illness,” I wondered once again.

Review of a book on theories of personality reminded me that most theorists allotted a brief description of the ideal personality after they explained why we developed the many mental illnesses available.

I decided to develop a model of mental health that made sense to me so that I would feel more comfortable when I talked of mental health to others. I wanted it to be simple and to allow for freedom for others to develop their own thoughts about a healthy personality. I hoped others would expand and elaborate so that it fit and worked for them. I wanted to provide a description of health that could be established by others as a goal - something to work toward.

I drew from personal experience as a psychologist and from my life. I used ideas from school, from formal education. Observations of others provided another source. I also began to engage in some research by reviewing more of the available literature.

Quiet Confidence is the result of my frustration and subsequent search for a model of health. The pursuit of this confidence helps me to stay focused on a positive, constructive path. None of us are able to remain focused all of the time and some have trouble even beginning to see a more helpful direction. Most of us do better if we have a model to use and I hope this model is helpful for you.

On the following pages are descriptions of the ten characteristics of Quiet Confidence. I have included some ideas about different ways to increase or develop your concept of confidence and health. We have used this information in the Quiet Confidence Workshops with a great deal of success.

STAY FOCUSED!

__________________________________________________

Ten Characteristics of Quiet Confidence

1. 1. Open to Learning, to Experience

“There are no ordinary moments.”

Dan Millman

2.   Live in the Present - Here and Now

“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

James Thurber

3.   Ability to See Things as They Are

“Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it were.”

GE Leader, Jack Welch

4.   Acceptance of Self, Others - Compassionate

“The ways you think you are, not the ways you really are, are the bars of your   own personal prison.”

From The Key

5.   Recognizes the Values and Limits of Relationships

“The human relationship is the most powerful behavior modifier known to man.”

C.H. Patterson, Ph.D.

6.   Effective Communicator

“Communication is fundamentally a gentle activity.”

Eugene Kennedy

7.   Appreciation of Humor

“Don’t take this stuff too seriously.”

Ross Easterling, Ph.D.

8.   Spiritual / Philosophical Quest

“The path to holiness involves the willingness to question everything.”

Scott Peck

9.   Involved as a Citizen of the World

“We have not inherited the earth from our fathers, we are borrowing it from our children."

Native American Saying

10. Know that You Can “Face Your Fears” with Confidence

“To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity.”

Edward Weeks

Copyright 1999, Larry Barnett, Ph.D.

Know That You Can Face Your
Fears With Quiet Confidence

“To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity.”

Edward Weeks

This concept is simple, really. It is just doing it that is hard!

You have within you everything you need to deal with each situation you face. Your ability to think constructively is the key to finding the internal resources that allow you to solve the problem. To activate this problem-solving ability, one simply has to consciously slough off debilitating irrational thoughts and focus on devising constructive solutions to problems.

Scott Peck begins his book, The Road Less Traveled, by reminding us that “Life is difficult.”  We are reminded about our responsibility to deal with our own problems and he also reminds us of the importance of faith.

This characteristic of a Quietly Confident person is a statement of faith: A faith in our own ability to face our fears. Faith then, in God or a Higher Power or Creator, should enhance our own confidence because if one truly believes in God, then there really is nothing to fear.

Anthony deMello was a Jesuit priest known throughout the world for his writings and spiritual conferences. His teachings are a mixture of Christian spirituality, Buddhist parables, Hindu breathing exercises, and psychological and philosophical insights. A common theme of his presentations involved the notion that we have NOTHING to fear.

Most of us however, experience fears. It is important to know and remember that we will experience fear as long as we continue to live and develop as persons. When we experience fear, for example fear of doing something, the quickest way to get rid of the fear is to do it. Facing the fear allows our feeling of confidence to grow. Almost everyone experiences fear, anxiety, or some form of discomfort when dealing with the unknown or unfamiliar territory. Taking on or confronting the fear is usually easier than dealing with the dread of ”what might happen if . . . ”

Everyone will be confronted with extremely difficult situations. It makes sense that you will experience a variety of unpleasant emotions in your difficult situations. Some will be more than extremely unpleasant. I am not suggesting that people go through difficult events or situations without those feelings. I am saying it is important to know you will experience the event(s), situation(s), and feelings and eventually be “okay” or balanced once again. It is important to have the confidence, the belief, the knowledge that you will return to a state of balance, or equilibrium.

“Easy for you to say,” you might be thinking. “But you are not dealing with ….” That is true, and while I cannot predict without error what my response would be in your shoes, I want to be able to think I would eventually “be okay”.

Biologists tell us that living things seek a state of equilibrium or homeostasis. It helps me to consider this idea of balance and to consider it in a very deliberate manner. I like to imagine a set of scales similar to those in old western movies. We saw them when the miners would bring in a few nuggets and assayers would determine their worth. An image of the scales of "justice" is also helpful. Imagine that those scales represent our emotional equilibrium. During the course of any day events occur and throw us out of balance. Our scales are tipped and wobble and the extent of the imbalance is determined by our interpretation of the event. The event may lead to pleasant or unpleasant thoughts or emotions. Either way we experience a sense of imbalance or disequilibrium. Obviously we enjoy pleasant events or situations and do not enjoy the unpleasant ones. Eventually we seek or find equilibrium once again. We seek it more deliberately when difficult things happen and sometimes we may believe we will never again find it. That belief needs to be challenged. We will find it.

Our "internal scales" are almost always moving a bit. They are seldom, if ever, completely balanced for long. Even the most insignificant events lead to some change but we recover more easily from most.

The more significant the event or situation, the more out of balance we become and the more the scales tip and wobble. Fear and anxiety certainly create imbalance. It helps me to remind myself that is up to me, it is my responsibility to myself and to others, to reestablish the balance and it helps to imagine the scales in my mind beginning to settle back down into a more balanced state. I imagine the scales being tipped, sometimes extremely and then rocking up and down on each side, eventually returning to a point at which the movement is very little. The sides of the scales still wobble a bit, reminding me I am still alive, still experiencing something, and they begin to settle as I begin to calm.

Face your fears with a sense of Quiet Confidence. It is important to consider the idea that we can face fears with a sense of confidence and to deliberately consider the idea frequently. Remind yourself that it is normal and “permissible” to have this kind of confidence. It is easy to lose the thought or belief that you will “be okay” and that you can restore balance or equilibrium. It is important because the fears, problems, or difficulties can demand your attention and you can let them appear overwhelming if you allow distorted thoughts to dominate your mind.

Deliberately devote some time and energy to incorporating the idea of facing fears with confidence into your everyday experience so when major difficulties sap your strength, you are prepared to face them with the Quiet Confidence you have already accumulated, enabling you to be open to learning and experience - the second characteristic of a Q.C. person.

Remember: Confidence is not the absence of fear – It is the knowledge that I can face the fear.

A QC Person is Open to Learning,  to Experience

“There are no ordinary moments.”


Dan Millman

As we grow in confidence, we are more able to live each moment with a sense of readiness and awe. We are truly able to learn from each experience in a more open manner. We are able to let go of defensiveness. There simply is no need to feel defensive or to respond to those close to us in a defensive manner.

Eliminating insecurity and defensiveness from our arsenal of responses to situations will allow us to listen more clearly to others, to see situations more objectively, to assess reality, and respond in a healthier manner. It is this characteristic, this openness to experience that allows us to be open to change. It allows us to be more flexible, spontaneous, and adaptable. Vulnerability is part of such an approach, but the Q.C. person can tolerate this feeling, this state, without fear because of the openness to learning and to new experience.

The Q.C. person is aware that if he has done nothing wrong, then no response is needed and if he has erred, then he can acknowledge it and offer amends or restitution in a sincere and confident manner. This simple approach releases the self-defeating behavior and attitude of defensiveness. It is amazing how much easier life can be when we release the need to defend our actions or ourselves from the criticism or appraisal of others. There is no need to explain or justify what we think, feel, or do.

Again, it is easier to say than to do when we talk about responding without being defensive. If I am accused of doing something wrong or if I am criticized, my initial response might be an effort to explain why I did what I did or to counterattack. Usually such efforts are not successful and often result in escalation of the conflict or disagreement.

Imagine that we are working on a writing project together and I have not completed a task assigned to me and progress on the project is dependent on my completion of the task. The deadline is approaching and you are growing increasingly frustrated with me.

"Why haven't you done your work yet? You're holding us up and I can't do anything until you get off your butt!"

I might respond defensively and try to explain why I have not finished yet.

¨      "My kids were sick and my computer crashed. I'm doing the best I can. I'm just too busy right now!"

¨      My guess is you aren't interested in why I didn't get the work done. You want it done and will probably respond by telling me again how important it is or how irresponsible I have been.

¨      "If we don't have this done by the end of the month they will get somebody else!"

At that point I might counterattack.

¨      "If you hadn't taken so long with the outline we wouldn't be behind in the first place."

From there, things don't appear to have much chance for improvement. If I would have acknowledged that I was tardy and attended to your concerns I could have prevented the escalation. I need to avoid defensiveness and avoid a counterattack.

¨      "You're right. I screwed up and I'm on it. I'll have it by this afternoon."

David Burns, in his Feeling Good Handbook calls this a disarming technique and correctly says that agreeing with a critic helps build rapport. "It is," he says, "quite magical."

It takes Quiet Confidence to be able to hear criticism and accusations and respond in way that allows for learning and building.

That is well and good but what happens if you really don't see anything you can agree with in the criticism or accusation?

We still want to be open to learning and experience. Our goal can become learning about the other person and making an effort to see the other's point of view. Be open to the opinion of the other person. Figure out what made the other person say that.

For example, in the situation described above, I might respond differently if I know that I am still on schedule. Perhaps I am aware from our projects in the past that you tend to worry about deadlines or perhaps I remember that I have been late in the past and it caused problems for us. I could respond to either of those possibilities with a statement of understanding or empathy.

"Sounds like you're starting to worry that we might not make it on time."

"After our last project it is probably a little hard for you to trust me."

Either statement will, hopefully address your anxiety and frustration, and prevent escalation.

Watch and listen to the conversations of others and see how often others become defensive. Observe what happens after a defensive response or a counterattack. Listen for responses that reflect a true sense of confidence.

If you have trouble picking out defensive responses, listen for the phrases, "I'm just . . ." or "I'm only. . . ” What follows will be defensive. What follows that will probably be an escalation of some kind. Most of us don't want to hear the explanation or the "defense."  We want to know that you, the listener, are hearing or getting the message. How often have you thought, "He just doesn't get it!”?  Don't let others say it about you. Make sure you "get it!"

When we are open to learning, then mistakes are less threatening and anxiety is reduced. We truly learn from mistakes when we do not worry that others will think less of us because of our errors.

We are able to remain problem-oriented. We feel less envious, less competitive, and less vigilant. We are more able to appreciate and enjoy individual differences and can learn from people who are different than we are. What gifts come simply by releasing the need to be defensive!

Every moment is new and, as Dan Millman discovered, “There are no ordinary moments.”

QC People See Things as they Are

Never try to teach a pig to dance. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.


Anonymous

Often, when we get discouraged, we begin to look at the world through glasses with mucky-colored lenses. Everything we see looks mucky. Our view of the world gets distorted. It begins to look as if nothing can go right. We begin to distort our thoughts consistently. We may think, for example, “Everything I touch turns to muck.”  This isn’t true of course, but we start to believe it.

Some people try to improve things with “Positive Thinking”. They want us to believe everything will work out just fine.  I think that is looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. That view is also somewhat distorted because sometimes things are extremely difficult. People do experience major disappointments and losses and at those times it is hard to see anything positive.

It is important to see the world through clear-colored lenses. None of us see things that way all of the time. We tend to do better in life when we see and become aware of what is going on around us and within us. It helps to stop occasionally and ask ourselves, “What is really going on?  Am I seeing this situation objectively, or as objectively as I can?”

We also do much better if we see the entire situation or at least make the effort to see as much as is possible. This can prevent us from jumping to conclusions like the blind men describing the elephant in the now ancient fable. Nowhere do I see this problem more than when abused women describe their partners. “He is usually such a kind man!  I just pushed him too far.”

These women would be wise to see the bigger picture. See it all! It is true that there is a wonderful part of their partner. It is also true that he has a major problem!  Those who remain in the situation because of fear of physical harm can learn to face the fear and to see the whole picture. Those who stay out of “love” need to get the rose tint out of their lenses.

Cognitive psychologists emphasize the need to examine our thoughts in order to replace or restructure self-defeating thoughts with more rational, logical, or accurate thoughts. We exaggerate and distort our interpretations of lousy situations and then we feel horrible in a lousy situation. It is important to limit our unpleasant feelings to lousy in lousy situations. Save horrible feelings for horrible situations. On the other hand, we are only pretending or living in a fantasy if we feel good in a lousy situation.

GET REAL!

A QC Person Practices Acceptance

In the cartoon strip, Wizard of Id, Brant Parker and Johnny Hart related a story about acceptance. The wizard told a story about a very wise king who wanted to put all the people who “didn’t fit in” on an island. He made a list of all the people who didn’t fit in. The list was quite long and he realized the project would require a very large island…so, he dug a moat around the castle. (December 15, 1992)

Most of us have our own moats around our own castles. Acceptance of others can be a challenge to our sense of security. The more confident we are, the more accepting we become. Much of our intolerance is a direct result of fear, anxiety, and misunderstanding or ignorance. As we begin to experience a greater sense of self-acceptance, we are able to extend the distance between the moat and the castle.

Quiet confidence allows us to deal with different types of people without experiencing disequilibrium. We can let other people be themselves without imposing our expectations on them. It is often difficult because we think we know how they should live their lives. When we stop imposing our beliefs, opinions, and expectation on others, they begin to experience a sense of ease in our company. Indeed, we begin to experience a sense of relief by letting go of the intolerance.

Only with increasing acceptance can intimacy develop in any relationship. Both parties need to experience acceptance in order to trust, to be vulnerable. To sense a conditional acceptance is restricting. It is tense and uncomfortable. To sense that we are accepted, is freeing.

A sense of acceptance of self and others allows us to deal with people seen by others as intimidating or threatening. We can accept them with an awareness of their fear or insecurity and let

them be as “poopy” as they want or need to be. We can sense a peaceful detachment and separation.

Perfectionism is not acceptance. It is the ultimate condition or contingency. If I am a “perfectionist”, I do not accept myself unless perfect, an impossibility, and I don’t accept others unless they meet my criteria for perfection. I will be forever frustrated, seeking impossible situations. The perfectionist focuses on the flaws more than anything else and thus, misses the good.

The QC person is comfortable with privacy and solitude. It is okay, pleasant to be alone. Self-acceptance allows peacefulness, harmony, and balance when alone. Without such acceptance, people tend to be self-critical and to fear aloneness. People may resort to any number of self-defeating behaviors to avoid being alone. They may become desperate for a relationship and allow themselves to be abused or exploited.

This type of acceptance does not mean one condones inappropriate behaviors. It does not mean resignation or giving up on others. We accept self and others just as we accept that the sky is blue. We cannot change the color of the sky so we accept it. We don’t fight it.

It is often more difficult to accept imperfections in those we want to love the most. As parents we often have difficulty accepting our children if they don’t “turn out” like we want them to. We create a very difficult environment for them if acceptance is contingent upon our approval. It will be much easier for them to develop a sense of confidence if they experience acceptance from their parents.

The acceptance of the QC person allows for a smooth, easy sociability. It is pleasant to be around an accepting person. Think of different people you know and consider that idea.

QC People Recognize the Values
and Limits of Relationships

All of us seek belonging or affiliation. The Q.C. person is able to develop close relationships. Q.C.’s are comfortable with intimacy. They are able to trust others and are worthy of being trusted. Q.C.’s develop a community of friends. The relationships are characterized by acceptance and mutual respect.

The intimacy in their closer relationships is possible because the confident person is not dependent on any single relationship. The identity or value of the confident person is not dependent on the acceptance by, or approval of others. While lack of acceptance or approval is disappointing, it is not devastating.

Q.C.’s care what others think, but do not make decisions based only on the opinions of others.

Certainly Q.C.’s value romantic relationships. They know however, that they will be okay with or without their romantic relationship, i.e. spouse, partner, lover, etc. Obviously, if in a good relationship, its continuation is their first choice. Q.C.’s know however, that if the relationship is lost, they will experience a major loss. They will grieve deeply and eventually they will be okay.

Q.C.’s often ask themselves, “What would it be like to hear what I am saying, the way I am saying it?”

Confident people are truly more able to treat others the way they want to be treated. The key to good relationships was presented many years ago, “Treat others the way you would have them treat you.”  (Matthew 7:12, New American Bible)

Look for ways to strengthen your relationships!!

A QC Person is a Strong Communicator

Communication is fundamentally a gentle activity.

Eugene Kennedy

Q.C. people are able to communicate with others in a manner that is free and healthy. Their confidence allows them to listen openly to others. Their goal is to understand the speaker and to be certain the speaker feels understood. They pay attention to the message of the speaker. They are more able to attend to the unspoken messages as well as the direct, overt message. It is usually very pleasant to talk with a Q.C. person because he listens more attentively and responds more authentically and spontaneously.

Too often, in our efforts to communicate, we are trying to get our point across. In those situations when we disagree with another we think, “If he just understood what I am trying to say we wouldn’t be having this disagreement.”  Usually we try harder to present our argument. Instead of listening, we work more at convincing. We provide evidence to support our “case”.

Unfortunately, the one with whom we are “communicating” may be doing the same thing. If neither of us is really listening for understanding, we seldom find resolution without hurt and when we do find resolution, it is because one “side” has compromised integrity and will carry away some resentment.

Someone needs to listen. Someone has to understand the other. If both parties believe they are understood, then the difference can be resolved without bitterness or resentment.

If you and I find ourselves in conflict, I believe that you will be more willing to listen to me and to understand me if you truly believe that I see your point of view, that I understand you. If you do not think that I “get it”, then I think you will have a hard time hearing what I have to say. One of us has to be willing to “take off the gloves” and make an active effort to understand.

It is important to remember that understanding does not imply agreement.  Just because I understand you, it does not necessarily mean I agree with you. Too often people on both sides of the situation believe that it does imply agreement. The fact that I understand you, your point of view, or your argument, does not mean I agree with you. I can understand without It is important to remember that understanding does not imply agreement. Just because I agreement!  Both of us need to be aware of that and to remember it. When both parties understand and, more importantly, when both parties believe the other understands, we can seek resolution. This is different from debate!  In a debate each presenter attempts to convey powerful arguments and to discredit the evidence of the other side. In a true debate, a judge or judges decide the outcome. That seldom works in our personal relationships. It barely works in courtrooms. In fact, in formal forensics, the loser often feels cheated.

The Q.C. person is very much aware of individual differences. If I am truly confident, I appreciate the differences as differences and do not form judgments of right or wrong, correct or incorrect. If I am truly confident, I gain a sense of the richness and value of individual difference.

To attempt to explain methods of interpersonal communication is beyond the scope of this section. A number of books are available and can enhance our ability to communicate effectively with others. Read. Practice. Learn from others what is helpful and what is not. Learn how quickly defensiveness kills communication and escalates conflict. Become a more effective communicator.

A QC Person Lives In the Present

Marie came to my office for several months after she and her family moved to Grand Junction. She said she was involved in counseling where they lived previously because she lost her job due to her failure to please her supervisor. She said her confidence was shaken and she was depressed. She often experienced attacks of anxiety.

The situation was not unusual except that she lost her job eight years before they moved. Each day she reminded herself of the incident. She thought it was unfair because she consistently got great evaluations before the “Terminator” took over. She “just didn’t understand”. Despite years of therapy in the previous town and several months of renewed efforts here, she continued to dwell on the past. She was miserable.

* * * *

Henry was divorced two years before he came to my office. He complained of loneliness and said he had not dated at all since his wife left. He was a nice looking man in his early thirties. He worked in middle management in a large public agency. Rejection, or fear of rejection, prevented him from inviting women for a date. He was certain he would say something foolish or they would think he was unattractive and turn him down. He knew several women whom he found attractive but he said he couldn’t ask them out. He was afraid of what might happen.

* * * *

Marie could not get beyond the past. Henry was extremely limited by his focus on the future and what he feared might happen. As a result, both were unhappy.

Too often, when we focus on the past, we become discouraged. Often when we focus on the future, we experience anxiety. We can also experience pleasant emotions in review of the past and eager anticipation as we look to the future. Our concerns involve the limitations in situations such as those experienced by Henry and Marie.

We cannot change the past. We cannot control the future. We can experience the present!  People often describe the process of living in the present with phrases such as, “Be here, now,” or words such as mindfulness.

Mindfulness is attending to the experience or activity in which we are engaged or involved. Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., in an excellent book, Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, describes mindfulness as meditation in action. When we are mindful of the present, our thoughts are focused on our current activity or situation. If I am engaged in discussion with a friend, then my thoughts, my awareness, are focused on the words, the message and the behavior of my friend. If I am washing the car, then I pay attention to the task, to the surface of the car, to the physical sensations involved, to the cleanliness I produce, etc.

It becomes easier to experience a sense of balance and well being by attending to the present, to the task at hand. Of course, it is not always possible to feel balanced and content as we live in the present. We are faced with difficult and stressful situations regularly. We can be more successful in dealing with those situations when we focus on them and remain open to experience.

We learn from the past and we plan for the future. We can savor the past and look forward to the future. The present is truly a gift we experience for ourselves.

“So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God
will take care of your tomorrow too. Live
one day at a time.”
Matthew 6:34

A QC Person has an Appreciation of Humor

“Don’t take any of this too seriously.”
Ross Easterling, Ph.D.

When my major professor was assigned to me in the first week of my doctoral program, he called me into his office for a bit of advice. “Don’t take any of this too seriously,” he said. That advice helped me, not only in school, but also in many other aspects of life. I learned the value of humor from my mother, as well, and she helped us through some rather difficult situations with her sense of humor.

Gordon Allport said that the mature person maintains a sense of humor that centers around laughing at oneself, the discrepancy between pretense and actuality, being able under certain conditions to see humor in serious pursuits. The child, he said, has a sense of the comic, but not as a sense of humor. Many adults have not developed beyond that point because they cannot laugh at themselves.

Indeed, humor can be seen as a mature defense mechanism when it is an expression of feeling without discomfort and without unpleasant effects on others. Humor allows us to tolerate, without denial, unpleasant situations, incidents or personalities.

Humor allows us to see more than one perspective and to seek solutions. Laughter and humor allow us to face our difficulties with confidence and better perspective. In Laughing and Crying, Helmuth Plessner said, “The laughing person is open to he world.”

Quiet Confidence allows us to laugh at ourselves without being defensive. To see the absurdity and the self-defeating nature of our own behavior and to laugh at our ways will allow us to calmly and sincerely try new behaviors without fear of failure. It is the fear of failure or looking foolish that inhibits risk-taking behavior and often then, inhibits learning.

Humor can help improve our relationships with others. It can also damage those relationships. We need to be somewhat cautious and considerate in introducing humor into conversations. As we become aware of differences in people, we learn that people differ in their perceptions of humor in various situations. When humor is compassionate, it tends to connect, but when inconsiderate, it tends to divide.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

Will Rogers

A QC Person Pursues a Philosophical / Spiritual Quest

Rabbi Harold Kushner is one of my favorite theological writers. In his book, Who Needs God?, he wrote, “I believe strongly that one of the primary goals of religion is to teach people to like themselves. All my experience has taught me that people who feel good about themselves will be more generous, more forgiving of others, less defensive about their mistakes, more accessible to change, and better able to cope with misfortune and adversity. Paradoxically, the person who sees himself or herself as a good person will be more open to suggestions of change than the person who is overly conscious of his or her faults.”

In The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck suggested that the path to holiness involves the willingness to question everything. The Q.C. person is involved in an ongoing quest to understand the meaning and purpose of life and to develop his or her spiritual self. This understanding or philosophy is not fixed, but is open to change with increasing insights and new information. This process allows us to experience and value a sense of direction.

A QC Person is Involved as a
Citizen of the World

You are one of six billion people in the world!

Yes, the world population is now over six billion. Our population has doubled in less than 40 years. On July 17, 1999 the Los Angeles Times reported that the world population is increasing by 78 million people a year. It is about the same as adding a city about the size of San Francisco every three days. The population did not reach one billion until 1804. It took only about 150 more years to reach three billion in 1960. Only 40 years later it has doubled. At this rate, the coalition of population groups predicts we add 3,500 human lives every 20 minutes and we lose one or more species of animal or plant life - at least 27,000 species per year.

These are only some of the facts presented to us daily. We hear frequently about global warming, about efforts to save a species, or a group of disadvantaged people. The truth is, it is frightening. What can one person do to make a difference?  You don’t have to chain yourself to a tree in an old growth forest or blow up a ski resort. You can make a difference by working toward Quiet Confidence. By taking care of yourself in this way you will see more clearly what makes sense in the world and what does not. You will be a better companion, friend, colleague, neighbor, or fellow citizen. By learning to communicate more effectively with others you can begin to relieve tension and contribute to a greater sense of equilibrium in the consciousness of the universe. Sound a bit like pie in the sky?  Maybe you are thinking that you would be willing to move in that direction but you wonder about everyone else. Perhaps some of them are wondering about you.

Some time ago my daughter sent us a card with a Native American saying on the front. “We have not inherited the Earth from our fathers, we are borrowing it from our children.”

Q.C.’s keep this concept in mind and treat the world and its inhabitants with respect and consideration. It does not mean that we must stop logging or mining. It does not mean zero population growth. It means cooperation, common sense, and consideration.

Devote some time to maintenance of, or better yet, improvement of the world. Conserve. Recycle. Maintain at least a passive membership in an organization developed for the purpose of conservation of the environment, animals, or people of the world.

References

Allport, Gordon. 1961. Pattern and Growth in Personality. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston.

Borysenko, Joan. 1987. Minding the Body, Mending the Mind. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Co., Inc.

Burns, David. 1989. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York:  William Morrow and Co., Inc.

Kennedy, Eugene. 1986. The Trouble with Being Human. Garden City, NY: Image Books.

Kushner, Harold. 1989. Who Needs God?. New York:  Summit Books.

Millman, Dan. 1984. Way of the Peaceful Warrior. Tiburon, CA: H.J. Kramer, Inc.

Nelson, Jane. 1988. Understanding. Rocklin, CA:  Prima Publishing.

Paul, Jordon & Paul, Margaret. 1983. Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?. Minneapolis, MN: CompCare Publications.

Peck, M. Scott. 1978. The Road Less Traveled. New York:  Simon & Schuster.

Plessner, Helmuth. 1970. Laughing and Crying. Evanston, IL:  Northwestern University Press.

Sujata. 1987. Beginning to See. Berkeley, CA:  Celestial Arts.

Tannen, Deborah. 1990. You Just Don’t Understand. New York: William    Morrow and Co.

The Key. 1984. Mountain View, CA:  Center for the Practice of Zen Buddhist Meditation.

Biblical References from:

The Living Bible. Wheaton, IL: Tenderly Publishers.

The New American Bible. (Catholic Edition.) Nashville, TN:  Thomas Nelson Publishers.

To inquire about workshops on the development of Quiet Confidence, Parenting with Quiet Confidence, or Quiet Confidence for Student Athletes, write or call:

Larry Barnett, Ph.D.

1130 Belford Ave.

Grand Junction, Colorado 81501

(970) 241-4323

In order to obtain additional copies of this publication, contact Dr. Barnett at the address listed above.

Benefits of Quiet Confidence

¨      Learn to get calm, stay calm (even under pressure).

¨      Learn to deal with frustration.

¨      Learn to work more effectively with people.

¨      Learn to maintain a sense of integrity.

¨      Learn to communicate more easily and proficiently.

¨      Learn to deal with anger.

¨      Relieve tension.

¨      Maintain a sense of balance and equilibrium.

¨      Develop more satisfying relationships.

¨      Think sensibly.

Experiencing…Quiet Confidence