Learning How to Fly: The Story of a

Dreamer

Dearest Reader,

    I can’t say that my life story will be of

great use to you. As delighted as I would be to get

to know you and help you through your troubles, I’m

afraid that’s not possible. But perhaps the

viewpoints and ideas I’ve adopted (or tried to

adopt) might prove useful to you. I suppose that is

the reason I’m writing this book-I want my ideas of

love and faith to be spread. I want to feel like I

can give meaning to those who are struggling—

because we always need to find something that

encourages us to keep going even when there are no

signs of hope.

This book is about my life journey and my

viewpoints on how to perceive and live life. I went

from a positive, energetic person who always was

joyful, to a person who experienced a psychotic

break, depression, and anxiety. This book is about

how I learned to “fly” again as a child of God. I

have tried to become the kind of person God wants

me to be. I am still striving everyday to be the

woman of my dreams.

I hope this book strengthens your faith,

teaches you to believe in your untapped potential,

and helps you to find the resilience you need to

get through the everyday battles that make us who

we are.

This book is a conversation between you and I.

Perhaps it is the only conversation you and I will

have in this life. I hope to leave you better off

than where we met, after this conversation. And,

hopefully someday we will meet, if not on Earth

then maybe a different realm.

Best wishes,

    Annie

An Early Diary Entry:

February 23, 2006 (9 years old)

“Dear Jesus, today I checked out a book called ‘Nancy’s

Mysterious Letter.’ I forgot about Spanish today. I felt so bad.

In Spanish we have to write or draw one of the seasons like a

scene. I also have a story or report on Saints. I already know

a lot about you, so I’m doing a different saint. He’s an

Archangel actually. Well, I don’t really have anything to say

so, Bye!”

They say God created magic when he first

created the world. And by “they” I mean my mom and

by “magic” I mean the beautiful things in life that

can’t be put into words no matter how hard you try.

My mom has been such a blessing in my life and

has taught me so much. I like to say to myself,

after reflecting on enjoying the little things in

life, that I can never truly hear the song of one

key on a piano, the beauty of one color in the sky,

the world in a grain of sand. Because I can always

see more each time if I choose to.

Inner Potential

My Journal Entry - September 2014

    “There are moments when the soul stirs.  It senses a

reawakening, something key to its very essence.  It sees

itself as part of the bigger movement of life.

     Life isn’t just found in people.  The beauty and wonder

of being alive is all around us.  From the tiniest atoms to the

vast universe.  From the lively youth to the wise elderly.

From the still rock to the flowing water.

     And within each soul is a limitless potential, so much

that one can never fully develop it in a lifetime.  Imagine

then, if every soul is limitless, how infinitely beautiful is our

world that is filled to the brink with these beautiful, unique

souls?  How rich must our world be?

     Each soul is unique, in no way can one soul become the

other.  That is what true beauty is.  For if diamonds and rare

treasures are valued because of their rarity, then the human

soul must be the greatest treasure of all.  Each soul holds a

unique combination of genes, a unique way of thinking, their

own set of memories and experiences that will never happen

again in any other soul’s lifetime.

     And yet, the world does not stop there.  Everything

then becomes connected.  So that the infinitely unique souls

create infinitely unique sentences.  So that the atoms help

make up the universe, the young become old.  Things are

born, raised, die and through death give birth to new life.

Without the oxygen from plants, life could not be and

without the death of those very plants, animals could not

survive - including humans.

    So, yes, even the beauty of a soul must blink out.  But,

here lies the other beauty.  For souls too are connected,

even more so than all else. … Because the souls feed off the

life of one another - sharing in happiness and in sadness.

Every touch, every word, every movement creates the

experience that will be seen differently by the two or more

souls involved.  It is this connection, in the smallest and

largest ways that keeps a soul alive after “death.”

     For although this vast, unorganized/organized and

unknown/known world around us points to a God, should one

not believe such they must believe this:  that each soul

weaves itself into the larger web of souls so all are infinitely

united by the immeasurable fabric of past, present, and

future.

     And one of the greatest uniters between souls is

language.  The language of a soul is but the vessel of the

heart.  And a soul can’t ever be measured, the language of

the heart can only be heard and experienced - not measured

or memorized.

     It is therefore important to remember each moment is

unfathomably unique, shaped from the past, in the changing

present, headed for the future that will one day, in one

minute or second or one thousand, became a person’s

present and then a person’s past.  So that the moments

wander, marking eras that globally every second mean new

connections and new experiences.

     So do not squander time.  Revel in the beauty of your

limitless soul.  Listen to the language of your heart and of

the hearts around you.  Remember that you are like a  drop

of water that causes a body of water to ripple upon your

arrival.  Embrace yourself and the beauty around you with a

full heart knowing you are weaving yourself more and more

into that web of life in visible and invisible ways.  Only you

can be you.  

     And while all souls are unable to change what happens

around them, they can do wondrous things with what

happens inside them.  All things change.  You will change.

Be sure to make those changes as positive as possible

because, as I’ve heard it said, there is one thing that will

follow you throughout the world - yourself.

     Ever shaping into a more beautiful and unique soul,

you’re going to spend your entire life exploring the unique

and wonderful world around you.  So best work to make

yourself as interesting and adventurous as possible so you

can not glide, but sprint through all the beautiful memories

and experiences this unique, beautiful world has to offer and

teach you.”

This diary entry may be cheesily poetic, but it

demonstrates something I’ve always believed in: the

power of the individual. Know that you have power

within you that is untapped. You have gifts within

you that God wants to develop and use to further

His plans. And know that God, above all, is love.

My counselor, who for my own amusement and

privacy reasons will from here on be referred to as

Mickey Mouse, taught me about three types of love

in greek: eros, philia, and agape love. Agape love

is love for everyone, eros love is love for a

partner, and philia love is love for friends.

While I appreciated this categorization I still

prefer the definition of love in the NIV Bible in 1

Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poorand give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So, after conversations trying to define love

with Mickey I decided that love would become my New

Year’s Resolution for the year 2018.

February 4, 2018 . God’s heart

“I have come to realize God gives each of us a unique

piece of His heart. This means everyone knows a different

part of God that no one else would know except by getting to

know that person more deeply. That’s why angels, saints,

and those in purgatory are all equally important. They are

vessels for God’s love and each love is different. I’ve heard it

said by Jill Scott, “Everyone has their own queendom. Mine

could never compare to hers and hers could never compare

to mine.”

So not only do we have an untapped potential,

but even the way we love is different because love

is an amalgamation of our own experiences, beliefs,

and rituals.

One of the greatest insights I ever got about

love was from a book interviewing the Dalai Lama.

He explained how he never feels alone because he

can look at an object and associate it with a

person somewhere in the world who made that object.

We are surrounded by the works of other people.

When I feel lonely I turn to God, but I also turn

to this way of viewing things. I think: someone

painted this wall, I’m grateful. Someone made my

stuffed animal with love, I’m grateful. Someone

helped make the journal I use, I’m grateful.If you

realize that you are surrounded by the loving work

of other people and by God who loves you most, it’s

very hard to get lonely. And if you realize that

every person is unique and has a piece of God in

their heart, then you want to love them to get to

know them and God.

Because God is love and love is multi-faceted and

unique.

July 5, 2018. Resilience and Answered Prayers

“My life is a blank page. I can write my hopes and

dreams down if I take the effort to start writing. Similarly, I

can accomplish my hopes and dreams if I take the effort to

start acting.

I can accomplish anything I wish to accomplish. I can

fight any battle I wish to fight. Then, why do I not do so? The

effort needed to reach my lofty goals is a two part equation:

I must cultivate the proper mindset so my heart is satisfied,

and I must satisfy the physical need of sucking in a breath

and doing whatever must be done.

The call to action is one often ignored, until the enemy

is storming the gates. Too often could a conflict have been

properly addressed in the past to avoid larger problems in

the future. The time of calm before the storm is the best

point for mental and physical preparation. The question is:

Do I want a MEDIOCRE life that thrives in moments of calm

but gets battered by the inevitable storms that will pass my

way? Or do I want to live a life of GREATNESS --pushing my

mind and body regardless of the weather so I may be my

own person no matter the scenery? So I may take the extra

time to notice hidden opportunities and adventures and

insight that might have otherwise remained untouched.

I believe greatness is accomplished through great

habits. I just need to discover what habits I want to develop.”

Resilience is probably the biggest thing I

practiced while going through my sickness. I

prayed, and I told myself to never give up.

I’ve always had a talent for looking on the

bright side and being resilient. So when I got

crutches during the summer after graduating high

school, I didn’t cry or feel down. I know that may

sound weird, but I wanted people to smile and not

worry about me. On August of 2014 I told myself the

following in my diary:

“Sometimes, I wondered if God had a reason for putting

me in crutches. Now, I wonder if it is because I haven’t been

using my legs to go anywhere. Someone else would

appreciate being able to walk more.

But, crutches are also a blessing. Many kind strangers

opened doors for me. I met the elderly lady who called me

her friend and spoke only Spanish, the elderly man who

keeps wishing for me to get better and is all laughter, and

my physical therapist who called me a morning person and

keeps helping me get better.”

The same day that I got crutches was the same

day that I decided how I would approach my life

from then on. I layed in bed and looked to God.

Then I made sure I didn’t let my emotions get in

the way and looked for a positive way to take the

news. I decided that since I can’t exercise (which

would take anywhere from 1-3 hours a day out of

me), I might as well start developing the

spiritual, intellectual, and creative aspects of my

life. It meant I would treasure my knee more when

it got healed.

In fact, God made a miracle for me occur. I

tore my ACL, not completely, but enough for it to

be bad. And I completely tore my meniscus. My

doctor thought I would have to have surgery but my

Dad said we should wait it out more. And, I didn’t

need surgery! So I think God has always watched

over me since I was little.

One day I prayed all day to God for it to snow.

I prayed all day that it would come but that the

farmers would be okay, that people wouldn’t get

hurt driving to work, and that the homeless

wouldn’t get too cold. That was the year it first

snowed in Corpus Christi since around 90 years. I

believe other people prayed that prayer too and

that the miracle in Corpus Christi was truly a

miracle made by the hands of God in answer to his

children’s prayers.

The Importance of Family and Friends

My mom, who again for my personal enjoyment

will be referred to as Pikachu (for her sunny

personality), my dad (who will now be referred to

as Marlin for his impressive capacity to over worry

about his children,and my brother (who will be

referred to as Sensei because he is always giving

me sound advice) all are incredibly important

figures in my life. My family is very close. Sensei

always teaches me how to play ping pong and we

reflect on how to treat other people sometimes. He

calls me out when I am doing something that is not

socially normal, like wearing really fancy clothing

when I’m only going to the grocery store.

Sensei always reflects on how to best treat

other people. He told me once that he likes to

leave a person better off than when they came to

him. He is hard worker and overall just amazing.

I’m so proud of him. He’s working to become a

doctor now and I just know he’s going to do well. I

bet he could become the best doctor in his field!

Pikachu, who I spend the most time with, is a

light in my life and in others. She somehow

brightens everyone with her positivity and

laughter. Marlin is the rock of the family--he has

a strong, gentle heart and a beautiful soul. I love

Marlin, Sensei, and Pikachu so much!!

Anyway, family has been very important to me.

So have friends. Freshman year my friend Julie gave

me a poster of frozen characters in it, which I

loved. She puts clues on the present before giving

them to me and she is so good with words. My clue

was, “Happiness and Light Sparkle together, arm in

arm. So do stockings and sisters with an icy

charm.”

Anyways, my friends and family have always been

there for me, especially when I fell into a

depression. I know it was hard on them, but they

were all so brave and they all prayed for me. I

don’t think I could’ve recovered so quickly from my

psychotic break if it weren’t for them and God.

Sunday, February 11, 2018.

Reflection on hospitalization

Reflecting on this day was very difficult, but

I remembered so much of it.  More than I thought I

would.  I remember being so afraid of everything.

And there were voices.  I didn’t know where the

voices were coming from, but they kept warning me

that someone wanted to kill me. One morning earlier

that week, the voices told me, loudly, that there

was a bomb in the house. Immediately I ran out of

my bedroom to the front door, but as soon as I

touched the doorknob I turned around and ran to my

parents.

“Mom, Dad, there’s a bomb in the house, we have

to go! Now!”

“Honey, there is no bomb,” my parents said too

calmly.  My father held my arm, afraid I would run

out into the streets.

“But there is, trust me! We have to get out!” I

urged my parents with scared, teary eyes. When it

became apparent that my parents wouldn’t come, I

knew I couldn’t just leave them. I decided to stay

with them, and continue to persuade them, even if

it meant I might die in the process.

I went to their room eventually, after my

parents calmed me down. I was now sleeping in my

parent’s bedroom aside my parent’s bed and had been

for several weeks because I was afraid “the sniper”

was going to kill me. He was waiting, outside my

bedroom window.

That night, when my father came in, for some

reason my viewpoint of him had changed. I noticed

the pill my father gave me was a different color. I

didn’t want to take the pill. For some reason I

couldn’t trust my Dad. I swallowed the pill, but as

I was going asleep my Dad kept gently stroking my

cheek and talking to me as if it was the last time

I would see him.  I started to panic.

“I need to go to the insane asylum now. Give me

the number.” I said, not for the first time that

month.  “No, honey,” said my mom.  We can take care

of you here.  Don’t worry.  Just trust us.”

I had never had a true nightmare before and

avoided scary movies. Even though I was an adult, I

still liked to watch kids shows.  Animated, G

rated, Disney with the happy ending type movies.

Now, everytime I went to bed my mind would play

tricks on me. I would see (dream) about dead bodies

or blood or knives. I was so scared to go to sleep

because I was worried I wouldn’t wake up again or

that I would have another nightmare.

And my nightmares were so vivid--my dreams had

always been vivid but it never bothered me because

my dreams were always fun. I thought it was because

I honed my imaginative capabilities when I was

young and writing stories. I always liked to

picture my stories as a movie. Those weren’t the

type of dreams I was having now.

And, now, , when I looked in my parent’s eyes I

didn’t recognize them as my parents. I didn’t

bother to think about all they had done for me. All

I could hear were voices that sounded like theirs,

calling me Satan or a demon., Tonight I was at the

end of my rope.  It was just too much.  

I felt scared on the inside, but it was as if I

was trapped in someone else’s mind and body. I

couldn’t express myself.

I don’t remember how, but I found myself in the

hospital with guards in the hallway and my parents,

exhausted, at my side.

I felt an evil smile come upon me and the

slightest nudge in my mind told me that I was happy

to be here, hospitalized. The other part of me, the

true part of me that was chained up, wanted to cry

but could not.

---

Comedic Relief 1

In case the previous chapter was a little too

intense, I’d like to tell you a short story about

my parents Pikachu and Marlin.

I was sitting with Marlin by the fireplace. The

walls are painted a beige color and we have white

couches behind us and . . . a strange looking

turquoise lamp. Marlin told Pikachu that the

turquoise lamp didn’t match anything else in the

room. My mom really liked the lamp. So what did she

do? The next day my Dad went to the room again and

noticed turquoise pillows.

“Now it matches!” My mom said.

Do you need another story?  Ok.  One time, when

they were on their honeymoon, my Dad was shopping

with my mom and lost track of her. So he waited for

the sound of the cash register chiming and looked!

There was my mom!

One more:  Another honeymoon story.  My parents

were snorkeling.  My mom was being pretty finicky.

The mask was letting in water.  The mask didn’t fit

right.  My dad gave up and decided to go ahead

while she “sorted things out.”  Just a few minutes

later, while my dad was snorkeling, this figure

zoomed past him and picked up something from below.

Someone had dropped a dollar bill into the water

and the zooming person?  My mom!  Almost 30 years

later my dad still enjoys telling this story.   

I have plenty more funny stories about my

family, but I think that’s enough comedic relief!

For now.?

January 2015. Blessings.

Really Lord, how blessed can one girl be? Are you sure

you didn’t make a mistake and give me too many blessings?

I know the people with a lot of blessings are given them so

they can give it back. But can I ever give back as much as

I’ve received? Is it really ok for me to be loved so much by

such wonderful people in such a wonderful and beautiful

world? Sunsets, mountains, babies, puppies--all of it. And

such a forgiving and loving God. So often I forget to

appreciate these things. I lose sight of them. Yet, despite

that failure of mine you bless me so much anyway.

Is this really ok…? Well, I guess I’ll have to live life

giving all those blessings back! And making every day the

best day I’ve ever had. Making every day a memorable one!

My Mom always tells me to appreciate the little things.

But there seem to be so many little and big things that I

think I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life and the

afterlife learning how to appreciate them. Even then I don’t

think I’ll be done.

I can never truly hear the song of one key on a piano,

the beauty of one color in the sky, grasp the world in a grain

of sand. Because I can always see more each time I choose

to.”  

Positivity and Joy

I’m really excited to talk to you about

positivity and joy because if there is anything I

feel confident talking about-it’s this.

Joy is a gift from God. It’s something you

have to pray for and then expect God to work on it

in you everyday as you pray for it everyday.

Positivity is also something to pray about, but it

is a mindset you can work on. You can choose to be

happy. There is always a silver lining. Especially

if you have faith in God.

When I went through my psychotic break, I lost

all my positivity.I battled with a lot. Here’s a

diary entry that kind of sums up what I went

through. It’s from August 2015.

August 2015. Cutting

“Went to a counselor today because I’ve been having

thoughts about cutting. She said it’s linked to feelings of

guilt which I can believe. I haven’t done anything to my body

but I was worried I might so I sought help. I think it all

started two weeks ago but the whole thing sounds really

crazy. I started to feel like people were following me. Like

when I went jogging, or took a shower or went to sleep. I still

feel like people actually were. Obviously that’s ridiculous.”

So . . .yep, that was awful.  I’m over it now,

thank you dear baby Jesus. But I just wanted to

share that with you so you know I’ve struggled with

depression like many other people. I thought I was

awful and worthless despite how much everyone

around me cared for me. If you are Christian, there

is one thing you need to know. We need to love

people as we love ourself. So first before we love

others we must love ourselves. I am learning this

every day.

So I’d like to share with you some things that

have made me positive. Specifically books, movies,

and songs with positive messages.

Books I recommend: The Happiness Project by

Gretchen Rubin and the Angels Walking series by

Karen Kingsbury.

Movies I recommend: The Giver (taught me to

appreciate the little things in life that I take

for granted-like my eyes and my happy memories),

Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, Singing in the Rain.

Top 50 songs/artists I listen to that get my

spirits up:

1.“Favorite Things” from the movie Sound of

Music

2.“Good Morning” by Mandisa

3.“Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

4.“Better Place” by Rachel Platten

5.“River Flows in You” by Yiruma

6.“Singing in the Rain” from the movie

7.Anything by Tercer Cielo

8.“Kaze ni Naru” from the Movie The Cat

Returns

9.“Hurricane” by the Vamps

10. “What a Wonderful World” by Louis

Armstrong

11. “Get Back Up Again” by Anna Kendrick

12. “By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North

13. “Here for a Reason” by Ashes Remain

14. “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns

15. “Try” by Mandy Harvey

16. “Beautiful” by Kenny G.

17. Anything by Jamie Grace or Moriah

Peters

18. “Love is Waiting” by  Brooke Fraser

19. “Beautiful Day” by Sheryl Crow

20. “Count on Me” by Bruno Mars

21. “Marry Me” by Train

22. “Defying Gravity” from the play Wicked

23. “Today is Beautiful” by David Dunn

24. “Feeling Good” by Michael Bublé

25. “Different” by Micah Tyler

26. “Oceans” by Hillsong United

27. “Storyteller” by Morgan Harper Nichols

28. “Y Llegaste Tu” by Fresia Barrios

29. Anything by Sara Bareilles

30. “Write Your Story” by Francesca

Battistelli

31. “Thank You” by No Limitz

32. “Best Friend” by Jason Mraz

33. “La Amistad” by Laura Pausini

34. Anything by Colbie Caillat

35. “Never Alone” by Lady Antebellum

36. “Color Esperanza” by Diego Torres

37. “Wanted” by Hunter Hayes

38. Anything by Francesca Battistelli

39. “Firework” by Katy Perry

40. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby

McFerrin

41. “Best Day of My Life” by American

Authors

42. “Love is my Religion” by Ziggy Marley

43. “I Can See Clearly Now” by Jimmy Cliff

44. “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga

45. “Get Back Up Again” by Toby Mac

46. “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers

47. “Tu Amistad Me Hace Bien” by Alex

Campos (and other artists)

48. Anything by Ingrid Michaelson

49. “Bendita Tu Luz” by Mana

50. “Only Us” by Laura Dreyfuss and Ben

Platt

But you know what I don’t like? I have songs

about friends and lovers but no songs about family!

I feel like there are hardly any songs out there

about family which is a bummer . . . (sniff).

Fervent Prayer

One of the things that I believe most helped me

get through my psychotic break was prayer. As soon

as I started praying everything started going

better for me. But, actually, it was a slow

progression.  My brain had to heal first.  I had to

try different medications.  And it took me 18

months to be able to even go back to school in New

York.  

I started writing down my prayers so I could

record them in a list when they were answered. And

as I learned to pray stronger, with my whole heart,

mind, soul, and strength, I saw more and more

progress. I highly recommend reading the book

Fervent because that was when I really started to

take prayer seriously. As much as Christianity

focuses on the love of God, it forgets the hate of

Satan. The following is something I wrote down to

read before any prayer time:

“Father, Sunny (my nickname for Jesus because

he has a sunny personality and is also the son of

God), and Mer (Nickname for the Holy Spirit because

I could not figure out what gender the Holy Spirit

is)want me to remember there is an Enemy who is

fighting every moment against me and my happiness,

my relationships, my life, and my loved ones. I

can’t afford to be a lukewarm Christian. It is time

for war. Everyone needs prayers. Fervent prayers.

So stop reading and start doing.  . .  Pray. Satan

might be attacking your passion for prayer, in

which case, PRAY HARDER because that means you are

on the right path.”

Saying this beforehand helps me develop the

right mentality that I need for prayer time, or war

time. But I also like the idea of praying without

ceasing -- keeping God constantly in your mind.

Reading with him, singing in the shower for

him,etc.

I think it’s important to remember that Satan

is involved in your everyday life, constantly

trying to push you down. He might make you sick

often, or (like in my case) sleepy. In the book

Fervent they speak of different ways that Satan

attacks us.

Comedic Relief 2

Now, in case you are feeling down talking about the

most evil being in the world, I thought I’d

brighten up your day with some comedic relief. So,

first burning question.

Are there dinosaurs in heaven? Anyone know?

Second. Do girls still have to shave everyday

or is that no longer an issue? Do I have to shave

my legs and armpits all the time?

Third. This is something you may not know so

breathe it in (not literally). Do girls fart? Why

yes, yes we do. Quite often actually. I fart on a

daily basis. I even rate my farts and burps.

Next question- do we even have to go to the

bathroom in heaven? Also, if I want to be first in

heaven then I have to be last on Earth. But if on

Earth we are expected to be last to be honorable,

then how come in heaven we would be considered

first? It’s a completely different outlook on life

to go from servant to saint. Aren’t saints

servants? I want to be a servant but not a saint.

Too much attention. I want everyone else to be in

the spotlight-I’ve already had enough of that (my

friends and family spoil me).

Welp, that’s all I got for ya’ll. Thank you,

thank you, thank you very much. No applause needed,

really.

Also, dear reader, so your faith may be

strengthened I have added here a list of all my

answered prayers for you to look at. I thought

about choosing some, but I think showing you how

consistently God answered my prayers would be

better. Prayer is powerful. I read the book Fervent

and that was incredibly helpful in my prayer life.

Here are my answered prayers:

Answered PrayersFebruary 19, 2018: Prayed for humility and felt very humble about all

the prayers that God has answered for me.HI MOM!!!!! DO YOU LIKE

IT?

The whole point was for there to be a lot of prayers so people

can see how many prayers God has answered in my life. It’s an add-

on thing and I don’t want to choose my favorite ones.

February 14-18, 2018: Answered prayers but I forgot to record

them. . .getting out of my head was one and having a successful and

fun get together with a friend of mine was another.

February 14, 2018: was able to focus more in class and hardly

had any creepy thoughts. Open heart. Stronger prayers.

February 12, 2018: felt God’s presence as I invited Him in while

I’m studying. Got out of my head and focused on other people a lot

since February 7. Just forgot to record the answered prayers.

February 7, 2018: Got out of my head a little. Opened my heart

a lot. Felt God’s love and pride.

February 6, 2018: Got out of my  head multiple times.

Imagination came back. God helped me be positive throughout the

struggle I was having.

February 5, 2018: Got out of my head. God kicked satan out of

my head. Felt God’s presence I think.

February 4: Didn’t pay attention

February 3, 2018: Could focus on Julie. Felt God’s presence.

Prayers were stronger.

February 2, 2018: Am able to focus on heavenly things, which

was another prayer. I can read and write better. I focused on my dad.

Felt God’s presence.

February 1, 2018: Was able to get out of my head staring at the

water. Maybe a little bit when I was talking to Aunt Debbie and Uncle

Danny.

January 29, 2018: focused on Mom. Didn’t take a nap. Didn’t

overeat. Fasted for one day.

January 28, 2018: Was able to get out of my head a little. Bad

circuit hardly acted up. Focused on my mom a little bit. Humble.

January 27, 2018: Bad circuit hardly acted up. Asked God to

show  me in my calendar any message he has for me. Realized how

to practice humility. My life motto has been to treat every day as the

best day ever. It says “Write it on your heart, that every day is the

best day of the year.” It’s like he’s affirming that I’m on the right track.

Got out of my head with Jesus and Fredric. Found my passion for

prayer and passion for life as an adventure. Prayed to get out of my

head and soon was able to wish a good day for Hannah. I

concentrated on how she is different for me but has the same feelings

and how we are the same.

January 26,2018: able to get out of my head. Got guidance--

Italki, book, blog, school, God, family, friends

January 24, 2018: Passion in praying for God. Excitement and

awe for life. Prayed that class would go well and it did.  Asked for

empathy, and humility. Closer to ideal self.

January 22, 2018: Haven’t been praying but felt like I could

focus on people.

January 19,2018: I forgot to pray to God for the longest time-I

prayed for others but not myself. I need to put myself first when

praying. I prayed to get better after a very rough patch today and my

day got a lot brighter!

January 12, 2018: Felt God’s love. Felt innocent. Felt happy.

Felt present. Could focus on Kate and Kyle.

January 8, 2018: Felt God’s presence. Was able to focus on

more than one person at once during a cooking class with Fran,

Jane, Mom, and Chef Ashley. Had a good time with nature, felt God.

Loved dogs. Felt present.

January 7, 2018: “Lord, help me to be in awe of your creation

everyday like before. Everything is so magical.” Answered.  Felt

present and in the moment. Felt loving. Felt adventurous. All of those

were prayers too. And Dad is feeling better- that was a prayer.

Remembered love for Fredric.  Didn’t feel sleepy- Satan had been

attacking me on that but I asked for God’s help and today I didn’t feel

sleepy. Got a fortune cookie telling me to go into the field of

education just as I was thinking about it.

January 6, 2018: Taught me how to be present and in the

moment. In awe of God. Taught me to focus on others. God helped

me remember a little of my love for Fredric. And I felt God feeling

proud of me, I don’t know if He still does, but He did today!!! YAY!

And he gave me a lot of happiness and insight today. Everything is so

interesting like I could play with the dogs, read over letters, clean up

stuff, wag my feet, read, read Spanish, write, think about lovely

thoughts, journal, just SO MUCH STUFF! How could I ever have

been bored???!

January 5, 2018: Was able to focus on people. Listened to

music right.

January 4, 2018: Prayed that God would help me get out of my

head and stay present. He did! Brought back my passion for life as an

adventure. Helped me to pray right. Yay for new adventures and

mindsets!!

January 3, 2018: Asked for God’s guidance and realized all

along he has been leading me through my Dad – telling me to stay in

the present and enjoy the moment.

January 2, 2018: Was able to focus on God and parents.

January 1, 2018: Was able to focus on Dad and Mom. Felt the

presence of God.

Notebook 7→   No ntbk.

December 31, 2017: Asked God to help me get up today and

came up with the motto Seize the Day. It was also easier to wake up.

Could focus on God and my family with what can only be said to be

God-given excitement! I feel my excitement coming back again and I

just want to talk to persons and love on them and make them happy!

Especially You and my family! Thank you God! YAY GOD!!

December 30, 2017: Was able to read without subvocalizing

again. Was able to focus a lot on parents in the shuttle. YAY!

December 27, 2017: Focused on Mom during plane flight. Felt

loving and selfless but got full of myself.

December 26, 2017: Focused on Dad

December 24, 2017: Prayed for self-control and it worked.

December 23, 2017: Was able to focus on Annika and Erin

after praying to God the following: Lord I pray that Erin and Annika

have fun hanging out with me and that my bad circuit won’t act up

and that I can focus on them.” It worked. I also prayed for self-control

and that worked.

December 22, 2o17: Felt very positive and more back to myself

today thanks to God’s intervention. Scared of Satan, but I know life is

a journey and death looking back is just a speed bump to a never-

ending adventure. And I know that God will protect me. Because he is

God and everything he does is good. God got me to love myself. He

helped me pray for others and focus on others. He helped me play

the glad game.

December 20, 2017: Asked God to help me with Satan because

Satan is attacking my memory and feelings for Star. God helped me

remember Star.

December 18, 2017: I prayed that I wouldn’t flirt with Davy and

that he would have a good time and have fun dancing with me.

Everyone in heaven, I don’t know who, but I just got a lot of help and

had a blast. I wished that I could focus on others like God does, and I

was able to focus on Davy and his parents and my parents.

December 17, 2017: Felt more back to myself. Could focus on

people. Bought gifts and felt like I was really giving and that my heart

was sincere when I wrote my letters.

December 15, 2017: Able to focus on people better.

December 14, 2017: Was able to feel joy and love again-felt more

normal. Was able to focus on people.

December 12, 2017: Was able to wake up on time and take a cold

shower after asking God to help me follow my plan today and give me

self control.  Was able to read without subvocalizing. Felt God’s love.

Worked most of the day.

December 11, 2017: Able to focus on people a little.

December 9, 10: Able to focus on people

December 8, 2017: Was able to focus on Mom and Dad.

December 7, 2017: Was able to focus on Mom and her friends.

December 6, 2017: Was able to focus on and have a good time with

Kalianna. Found God quickly when I first walked outside.

December 5, 2017: Found God as I was walking out of the Socos-

was looking at nature and felt his presence. Found God again at

nighttime while I was trying to open up my heart to Him. Found God

again later on tonight and was able to focus on Anita while reading to

her. I love people-God reminded me of this and I spent a lot of time

thinking about others-it was a blast. Loved the rain today-gift from

God.

December 4, 2017: Took a first step in opening my heart to God.

December 3, 2017: Asked God to help me to love and focus on him. I

found I could with Sister Ilene and with the Holy Spirit. Believe and

continue to search. Trust that God will let you know if you are on the

right track.

November 30, 2017: Asked God to get Satan to stop making me feel

like a terrible person. He responded immediately. Asked God to guide

me and he has pointed out my many faults. He wants me to know all

my faults so I can correct them. Asked God to teach me how to listen

to Him and now I understand that He puts desires on my heart. I

understand how to listen now.

Notebook 6

November 28, 2017: Felt loving and humble while texting Dad.

November 27, 2017: No answered prayers because I forgot to invite

God into my life and live for Him. So today doesn’t count as special

even though today really is special because it is a gift from God.

November 26, 2017: Felt back to myself going down the escalator

today. Outside of my head, positive, alert, confident.

November 25, 2017: Felt peaceful. Felt more alert to my

surroundings. Started to feel normal. Can focus more on others. Was

able to stay in the present and outside of my head.

November 24, 2017: Felt the peace of the Holy Spirit and had a very

peaceful, movie-perfect day.

November 23, 2017: Felt a little back to myself-alert and surroundings

were beautiful.

November 22, 2017: Prayed to focus on family and could.

November 20, 2017: Bad circuit hardly bothered me.

November 19, 2017: Bad circuit hardly bothered me.

November 18, 2017: Read two paragraphs without subvocalizing.

The Amazing One is working within me. I asked Mer to help me and

Mer helped me read. I hope Sunny had a sunny day today.

November 13, 2017: Felt connected to God and others. Felt loving.

Holy Spirit within me answering my prayer for love quicker than

expected. Getting ready for a big character test. I think God is going

to leave me to test my faith and love for Him. Helped me remember

Fred.

November 12, 2017: Was able to read without subvocalizing. Was

able to focus on family. Worked in the library. Was humble today-I

think God wants me to work on that otherwise he wouldn’t have

answered that prayer from a long time ago.

November 11, 2017: Asked for patience and the Holy Spirit

came through. Asked to wake up well and God made it happen.

November 5, 2017: God urged me to go to Church and I

learned that a passage which seems so simple can have more to it at

a second glance. I never thought I could learn from the story of Jesus

feeding the 5000. Why was he on the mountain top? How did one of

the apostles know there was a kid with his lunch?

November 2, 2017: Had been asking God for guidance, and he

told me I need to trust Him more by letting go of myself, work hard,

not subvocalizing, thinking of Him and others. So now, during my

study breaks I will read the Bible, thinking of others, pray, or do

worship, or talk with a friend. That’s my reward!

November 1, 2017: Read without subvocalizing well. Typed

without subvocalizing. Work ethic coming back.

Notebook 5

10/5/17: Was able to focus in class. Began reading without

subvocalizing.

10/6/17: Felt overwhelming sense of belonging and

selflessness, all thanks to God-but I need to watch pride, sloth, and

subvocalization.

10/8/17: Was able to read without subvocalizing. Quick learning

thanks to prayers and God!

10/21/17: Was able to read without subvocalizing/type without

subvocalizing. Got some of my work ethic back.

10/27/17: Able to read without subvocalizing. Felt ready to work

(after my naptime). Could focus on my parents and Dr Jo.

10/30/17: Felt overwhelming sense of selflessness and humility

while writing a post in my blog

Notebook 4

9/2/17: Could focus on my friends (Julie, Sarah, Dakota)

9/4/17: Relied on God and He helped

9/6/17: Relied on God and He helped

9/7/17: Felt God’s presence after I decided to rely on Him

9/8/17: I prayed that I’d be able to focus on Kalianna and I was

able to focus both on her and Dakota! I had so much fun-I hope she

did too! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9/9/17: Could focus on God; felt His presence. Kept thinking

about Him. Felt positive and happy.

9/12/17: Was able to focus on Julie, focus on my parents during

prayer, and focus on Jesus and Fred.

9/13/17: Felt another presence in my head while praying. A

piece of the heart of God, or guardian angel? Focused on Julie

9/14/17: Focused on Mika, Julie, Cam, and Sarah. Felt more

positive like God was sculpting me into a positive person again and

improving or healing my brain.

9/16/17: God helped me stay positive despite all the danger

that Fred was in, and I felt God tell me it would be okay.

9/19/17: God helped me pray that Sarah and Julie’s dreams

might come true-I could focus on them. I also slightly focused on Dr.

Jo.

9/20/17: God helped me see the beauty in nature and His

creation

9/21/17: Felt like God was speaking to me in a song today

telling me to let go of my doubts and fears and wholeheartedly trust in

Him and He won’t let me go.

9/22/17: Felt God’s love in me and for others. Felt close to God.

9/23/17: Felt a hint of God’s love. Important question: How do

we love evil people?

9/25/17: Felt the joy of the Holy Spirit and felt like I could pray

well. Had a softer heart when I asked God to soften my heart.

9/26/17: Felt joy. Felt like myself again in Christian Ethics. Felt

like I could focus on others. Was able to trust in God for a moment

with all of my heart.

9/27/17: Was able to read without subvocalizing. Remember

and give thanks.

9/28/17: Was able to be positive and focus on friends. Thought

about them and was very selfless.

9/29/17: Felt selfless. Joyful. Connected.

9/30/17: Felt selfless. A little down but friends and God cheered

me up!

Notebook 3

8/2/17: Subvocalized noticeably less. Easier to think in my

head.

8/8/17: Felt positive, inspired, thankful, loving, directed

8/9/17: Was able to love and focus on my mom and felt very

thankful for everything like I didn’t need anything just happy with

everything God’s given me. Positive. This was all in the morning. In

the afternoon was able to focus on my mom and her friends a little bit

at dinner.

8/10/17: Was thankful that my Dad got me a cat letter to write to

my mom. Felt loved.

8/11/17: Was able to focus on my family today. Felt loved.

8/18/17: Prayed that my meeting with Mary Kathryn would go

well and after a little bit it did and I got to see JR!

8/19/17: Prayed that my subvocalization would go away and

was able to read a little without subvocalizing.

8/22/17: Was able to focus on Nancy, Moiz, Davy, Mom, and

music. Was excited about life. Able to read short words without

subvocalizing.

8/27/17: Was able to focus on Julie as a star singer. Felt like I

could focus on my mom and on Raphael and Moiz. My friends have

entrusted me with their beautiful hearts. I don’t want to let them down.

Able to enter my password without subvocalizing. And type this

without subvocalizing.

8/28/17: Came to a decision: I will do my best to stop

subvocalizing. But, if needed I will read aloud. Felt God’s presence

around me.

Notebook 2

7/1/17: Gave up Netflix!!!!

7/20/17 Focused en Alicia, Padre John, Judy, y Gloria. I had

asked that I could focus on people.

Was able to count without subvocalizing during a workout.

7/21/17: I dreamt of Star.  I was looking for him and loved him

and found him. I had asked to dream about Star or my friends and

family.

7/21/17: I prayed I could appreciate the opportunity I had to see

Alicia’s mom and I did with no problems from my bad circuit.

7/22/17: Prayed I could love Him better and then had a dance

party for Him. Felt like I was closer to Him.

7/24/17: Prayed that I would be able to focus on others and felt

like I prayed well for my friends for the first time in awhile. The Holy

Spirit gave some of herself to me to help me pray. I was selfless a bit

today. Loved God more.

Note: I think God is answering all my prayers so quickly so that I

know he loves me and is there for me and is with me.

7/25/17: Anita’s back feels better after I prayed for her.

7/26/17: Was able to pray at work today without subvocalizing

and felt connected with God like I loved him more. So this is an

answer to loving God more, feeling connected, not subvocalizing, and

praying selflessly. Lots of answers today! He’s listening! The Holy

Spirit is working within me, changing me for the better.

July/29/17: Sarah and Julie got home safely.

7/31/17: Got my wisdom teeth out and didn’t mind the needle. I

wasn’t too scared and I’d prayed to God earlier that it would go well.

Notebook 1

·      I prayed to God that I would be able to focus on Austin. I felt

immense love for her family-the kind of love I had before I got sick.

·      I prayed an entire day to God that it would snow in Corpus

Christi. I prayed for the snow, that people would be safe, that farmers

would be ok, that kids would have fun, that people would take time off

work, and it snowed! That was the year it first snowed after about 94

years (I believe) of it not snowing.

·      I prayed to God that he would find the camera.

·      He healed my knee

·      I prayed Cleanse my thoughts and renew my mind and I feel like I

am more kind

·      I did a lukewarm prayer to God that I would be able to focus on

Courtney. Next time I must pray harder. But God still answered my

prayer at the very end when I hugged Courtney Gainor. I felt like I

could focus on her then. So He still answered even though I didn’t

pray right.

·      I asked God to monitor my thoughts and I hardly had any of those

creepy thoughts from my bad circuit.

·      He helped me get back some of my imagination.

·      I was able to focus on people today at dinner- 07-02-17

o   Karen, Mom, Susie, Aunt Theresa, Uncle John, Betty

·      Felt closer to God after praying for it. I wasn’t aware of his

presence but somehow knowing he was there even if I can’t feel him

made me feel closer to him.

·      My brother got into Amherst-his dream school

·      My brother got into medical school

·      Felt love for a man I talked to and focused on Sarah.

·      My mom’s miracle: Will said he had family issues and couldn’t

do trial the next day. My mom was worried about professionalism and

prayed to God that she would be able to stay calm and profesional

and try to get an extension on a case because she wasn’t prepared.

However, the judge called in sick. In the 20 years she’s known him he

has only called in sick once. This would be the second time-I think it

was God-given.

·      I was able to focus on Anita, my mom, my dad, my brother, and

Sarah. Even just a little bit.

·      Focused on Austin and Karen

·      Focused on Karl, Sarah, Ida, and my Dad.

·      God is changing my heart,helping me think of others more and

care about others more.

·      Prayed to God that I would subvocalize less and am doing better

today.