Nonverbal Communication Scrapbook Journal

Allison Murphy

Nonverbal Messages from Animals: A Darwinian Perspective

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am a huge dog person. I’ve grown

up with dogs ever since I was born; when my parents were together and married

during their early years as a couple, they had a great yellow lab named Alex. He

passed away when I was a couple years old, so when I was five, I picked out my very

own pet: a yellow lab named Samantha. I will forever remember going to a home

with my parents and younger sister Lauren; she was more interested in playing on

the playset in the family’s basement, where they kept the puppies in a pen. I stepped

into the pen, unsure of which puppy to choose and take home, until a sweet little girl

stumbled over and sat on my feet. It was love at first sight.

Samantha passed away last December at age 15. She and I always had a

special connection, almost as if we could silently or telepathically communicate with

each other. About six or seven years ago, we also adopted a little tiny Beagle we

named Lily; even though she has separation anxiety and is scared of other dogs, Lily

and Samantha were best friends. Lily is still my baby, and attending school in

Charlotte, NC (about 8 hours away from my hometown of Cincinnati) has been

difficult because I’m often away from my precious dog.

When I went home to visit my family, I studied Lily for this part of this

project. She never barks and only bays on rare occasions- usually when she’s

outside chasing squirrels- so she’s not usually a very verbal dog. However, one

aspect of Lily that is both heartbreaking and the sweetest thing to witness is when

you come home after a long trip (or even a few hours); since she has separation

anxiety, Lily will jump around you and constantly cry/bay at your return. It’s really

cute to watch, but since that’s one of the only times she makes noise at all, she

communicates with me in other ways as well.

One way Lily does this is through use of her eyes. When she’s hungry and

wants to be fed, she will come sit patiently (though still kind of anxiously) at my feet

and beg. She’ll give me her sweetest face, and I can always tell that she’s hungry

because her pupils dilate until her eyes look huge. It’s fascinating to watch this

routine, because it’s a very noticeable change. Lily’s eyes also show when she’s

sleepy; her eyelids will get heavy, her eyes look darker, and she’ll blink more

frequently. She’s even been known to close her eyes while still sitting up!

My dog also communicates with me nonverbally through the use of her body

language. As I mentioned early, sometimes when she misses us a lot, she’ll jump

around, which she also does when she’s really excited about something (usually

food or a treat). As a Beagle, Lily absolutely loves food of almost any kind, so when

she’s presented with the opportunity for a snack, her ears perk up, her mouth opens,

and she excitedly hops around our kitchen floor. I know as a human, sometimes it’s

difficult for me to contain when I’m excited, too. A person’s entire body language can

change depending on his/her mood, which can completely affect nonverbal signs.

Since I’ve been around dogs my entire life, I find them easy to understand

and “read,” especially when you make a connection with your own pets. I was able

to understand my late dog, Samantha, but even now it’s fairly easy for me to

understand Lily’s wants, needs, and moods. I agree with Charles Darwin’s thoughts

that the nonverbal communication of animals and humans are similar in many ways.

Understanding Nonverbal Cues: A Female’s Intuition?

In class, we learned that it’s typically easier for women to understand and

recognize nonverbal cues and message instead of men. As a woman, I would tend to

agree with this statement while also acknowledging that it’s not true in every case. I

know men who are very sensitive and in-touch with their emotions and feelings, as

well as those of others; however, I think it does occur more frequently with women.

This skill might be because of something known as “female intuition,” where a

woman is said to just know, feel, or understand something because of her

femininity. I don’t know if that’s entirely true, though more of my female friends

than males are more sensitive and in-touch with emotions. It could be because of the

gendered stereotypes perpetuated in patriarchal nations and cultures around the

world: that women are more of emotional “feelers,” and men are not. It may have

something to do with women being cultured into being perceptive and sensitive,

while men are encouraged to be “tough,” not cry or show emotions, and “be a man.” I

totally disagree with the idea of manliness not having to do with being sensitive,

because I’ve always found that my favorite guys are those who are in-touch with

their emotions, thoughts, and feelings too.

However, I will not deny that it seems that more women than men seem to be

more intuitive; I don’t know if that’s a product of nature or nurture (that’s the great

debate), but it is a trend. I think that, culturally, we should encourage our children to

be perceptive of other people’s expressions and nonverbal cues, which could give

clues to how/what that person is feeling or thinking. It’s a great skill to have, but I

don’t think that having this ability to understand nonverbal messages or

expressions with ease is limited to something like sex or gender.

A Baby’s Expressions: Nature or Nurture?

One of my favorite things to do is play with babies; being the oldest of three

girls, I’ve been babysitting since I was about ten years old and have much

experience caring for little ones. There’s a particular little guy I’ve been babysitting

here in Charlotte for over a year now, ever since my boss gave my name and number

to close friends of his when they found out they were expecting. Nolan was born in

August of 2013, and I first met him when he was a measly two weeks old! Now he’s

almost a year and a half, and he’s a bright, talkative, bubbly little boy. His parents,

Anika and Jonathan, are amazing and are expecting again! I’m truly lucky to have

met and formed a good relationship with this beautiful family, because caring for

Nolan and watching him grow has been a great experience.

Recently, I babysat Nolan for a couple days in a row when his parents

attended a November wedding of a friend. This gave me the perfect opportunity to

watch Nolan’s various facial expressions for part of this project, and he did not

disappoint! Nolan’s a very good-natured, happy baby; he’s comfortable with me and

rarely cries or gets upset, eats all of his food and more, and sleeps soundly right on

schedule. Usually when I babysit, I feed him dinner, give him a bath, play with him,

get him ready for bed, etc. I’ve noticed lately that Nolan watches me a lot; when

we’re playing and I’m trying to teach him a new word like “dog” or “bunny,” he will

watch my face a few times before trying to repeat me. When I act excited or

surprised during playtime, he will watch my expressions closely and often match my

excitement or happiness.

While we’ve learned in class that babies are born with the innate ability to

smile when happy, I think that almost every other expression is learned depending

on the emotion that is associated with it. Nolan is learning how to make a surprised

face based on the expressions I make when teaching and playing with him, but I

don’t think he truly understand what different expressions or nonverbal cues mean

just yet.

I think that babies have such expressive faces and voices simply because

they’re learning. Almost everything is new to them, including nonverbal cues and

behaviors any adult might consider to be basic or simplistic. Their happy smiles are

genuine, and while they cry when upset, babies aren’t born with the ability to show

anger or fear. Nolan’s “fear face” might look more like surprise when playing a game

like Peek-a-Boo; his expressions are simple as he learns, but he is very expressive

and watches my facial expressions a lot to imitate and learn from me.

Life in Color

I’ve gone through so many different periods of my life with different favorite

colors, including almost everything from bright pastels to dark shades. As a young

girl, my two favorite colors were pink and brown- pink because it was so pretty, and

brown (quite literally) because it was the color of chocolate. I remember thinking

the two colors looked perfect together; at one point my younger sister and I

switched rooms, and since her old room was already painted an obnoxious shade of

bubblegum pink, I thought it was perfect.

As I grew up, the hot color was purple. As I progressed from middle school

into high school, I came to love shades of blue and green- everything from lime

green to royal blue, and my wardrobe matched accordingly. Until Queens University,

I’ve only attended private Catholic schools, so blue and gold plaid skirts and collared

shirts became the normal attire. Eventually, lime green was the favorite, and a little

pink remained also; I proved this by painting over the Pepto-Bismol pink and

turning it into a lime room. The transition from pink to pink and green to all green

led for a very bright bedroom!

Now, my favorite colors have gotten darker. I still think a very, very light

shade of rose pink is pretty, but my favorite colors include navy blue, emerald green,

and purple. I love wearing black and dark blues even though my bedroom has

always been obnoxiously bright; I’m not entirely sure why I love wearing dark

colors though. My thoughts are that I want to seem more grown-up by wearing less

pastel and brightly-colored statement outfits. During high school, I also did technical

theatre, so my wardrobe included plenty of black pieces. I love wearing navy now

not only because it’s my favorite color, but also because I think it complements my

skin tone, brown hair color, and navy/grayish eyes.

I think that colors tell a lot about a person. It’s interesting to me how a lot of

my favorite colors have been bright shades of blues, greens, pinks, and purples, yet

my wardrobe contains a lot of navy, black, and shades of blue and gray. I think the

bright colors match my personality- I have a strong, sometimes dominant, happy

disposition most of the time, and when I’m feeling lighter and happier, I will show

that by wearing brighter colors. On a dreary, rainy day when I’m sick or stressed, I

noticed that I will wear more of the dark shades with some small pops of color in

jewelry, scarves, or accessories. Sometimes, wearing darker colors affects my mood

instead of vice-versa, and I often feel more bold and sexy when wearing darks like

black or navy. I think those colors make me feel much more sophisticated!

It’s All About Distance

I am a big fan of personal space, especially during conversations. Having

someone get too close in my “personal bubble” can be quite challenging, especially if

he/she moves closer as I try to inch away. Having too much space can feel awkward

as well, almost like you and the person you’re talking to aren’t close or hardly know

each other. I tend to have a very loud voice anyway, but being too far from someone

when speaking (whether sitting or standing), can make me feel like I need to shout

in order for him/her to hear me.

I have two examples of experiences I’ve had with uncomfortable distances

between me and a friend during a conversation. One of those times was when we

were in our Kappa Delta lodge at Queens University (located in the basement of

Wireman). In our lodge, we have three couches in a square shape with the television

making up the fourth wall. There’s a large, rectangular coffee table in the middle of

the square, so the couches are quite a distance from each other. It’s the perfect

arrangement when the majority of the 44 girls in our chapter are in the lodge,

because the number of people completely fills up the space. However, a friend and I

got to a meeting early, so we were sitting on opposite couches just talking. There

was maybe ten feet between us, and although we were both relaxed and sitting on

couches, it still felt like I needed to shout. This girl and I are very good friends, but

the distance almost made the conversation impersonal or uncomfortable, which we

both noticed. We chatted about basic things, like the weather or how classes were

going, but there was nothing during our conversation that was very substantial. I

completely blame this on the distance between us. Had we been next to each other

on a couch, or one of us sitting in a chair catty-corner to the sofa, we might have

talked about much more personal topics, or even shared gossip from that week. The

distance was that of strangers, and although we were both reclined and comfortable,

the distance definitely affected our conversation.

Another example I have of an experience when the distance between a friend

and I was uncomfortable is quite the opposite; I have a friend who lacks personal

space rules, so he tends to get very close when conversing to the point where I

almost feel like he’s in my face. When someone is that close to me, it makes me feel

awkward and uncomfortable, because I almost feel like he can notice all of my flaws.

I tend to check my appearance more often, such as fixing or touching hair/makeup,

checking breath, squirming and fixing my outfit, etc. For me, there’s also less eye

contact when someone is closer, which makes it awkward. We had a conversation in

which he kept inching closer as I subtly tried to back away, so I felt like I had to

hurry the conversation in order to escape.

I definitely love personal space- not too close but still fairly intimate or

friendly- and I focus a lot on eye contact and body language. I try to be open and

encouraging with my nonverbal cues, inviting the other person with whom I’m

conversing to speak and listen attentively.

An Experiment in Personal Space

One thing that I really enjoy doing is secretly testing and doing experiments

on nonverbal communication on my friends. I think I might be too shy or

uncomfortable to try it on strangers, but with friends it’s easy to test the waters to

gauge their reactions before explaining what’s going on. I did an experiment on two

of my best friends regarding personal space. As I mentioned in my last entry, I am a

fan of personal space rules and really keep my nonverbal cues in mind when

conversing with someone. I keep strangers, friends, guests/customers, family, and

intimate relationships all at different distances depending on the situation.

With my first friend, we were having a normal conversation standing next to

each other waiting at a restaurant. As we talked, I slowly moved closer to her until

we were within a very personal bubble. It wasn’t very loud inside to warrant me

moving closer either, so it was a little awkward. At first, she kept talking as if she

hardly noticed; she was telling a story, so maybe she thought I was moving in

because her recollection was so engaging (it wasn’t). After a few minutes, she slowly

backed away from me just a little. I don’t think she really noticed what she was

doing since it was a reaction to my moving closer, but she kept taking one small step

back as she shifted on her feet. After several more minutes of me moving in, she was

almost trapped against a wall with a booth, and this she noticed. She backed away

more, then stopped what she was saying and looked at me before saying, “What’s

going on?” I laughed and had to explain the situation, that I was experimenting on

personal space for my Communication class. This seemed to reassure her, because

any unfamiliar behavior from me threw her off a little. She said she had noticed me

moving closer, and it felt uncomfortable and very “unlike” me.

With my second friend, I did the opposite to test personal space. We were

standing having a normal conversation following a meeting, and we were at a

friendly distance. I subtly began shifting and taking small steps back, until there was

more distance between us. She didn’t seem to notice for quite some time; maybe she

thought I was slowly moving to gather my things and leave. However, after us being

together for almost ten minutes, she slowly came closer to me as she talked. She was

using her hands a lot, gesturing as she spoke (she was quite animated). At this point,

she moved closer to me as if to lessen the stranger-distance between us. She

definitely moved closer when she began to retell a story in a gossipy way about one

of our mutual friends, and she looked around while speaking as if to make sure no

one would hear her. It was fun to watch her come closer to a friendlier zone when

talking about someone else, because it occurred to me that she might want to build

the trust between us two so I would’ve spread the news around that she was sharing

with me.

Same-Sex Touch

We discussed in class how men in our society are more averse when it comes

to same-sex touch than women, which our class text supports. For example, during a

dyadic conversation, it’s much more welcome for a woman to casually touch a man’s

arm while talking than for a man to. Women tend to welcome same-sex touching, at

least more so than men do. I personally think this has more to do with our culture

and the gendered construction of masculine and feminine roles, though a little of it

might be due to biology.

It can be argues that women tend to be more sensitive and emotionally

supportive to each other than men are to other men. When it comes to touch,

females may hug each other as a sign of support; I think we’re taught ever since

childhood that your girlfriends should be some of your strongest relationships, and

the media and popular culture supports this. On the other hand, men are shown as

physically tougher- biology says that the testosterone makes them naturally more

aggressive- so it’s more taboo and unwelcome for men to show physical signs of

support or affection to each other. Masculine, or “manly,” heterosexual men would

absolutely welcome touch from a woman before another man, especially because it’s

propagated that men constantly want sex. Men are expected to hide their feelings

and emotions, not be sensitive, and physically fight each other to release aggression.

While I do acknowledge that a lot of traits can definitely come from biology- such as

having higher testosterone levels, and women having higher estrogen levels- I also

think that men perceive how they should act from culturally-bound gender roles of

how they are taught they are supposed to act. Women are expected- and even

taught- to be more emotional and use more physical touch.

I don’t think that men’s aversion to same-sex touch is necessarily a

“problem,” because everyone is different and will prefer different things. However,

what I do think is a problem are socially-constructed gender roles that teach men

and women how to behave a certain way based on the sex they were born. Societal

and cultural values telling men that touch from another man is unwelcome isn’t

okay, because I don’t think that gender roles should dictate what a person like or

dislikes or even how to act. It’s perfectly okay for men to appropriately touch other

men casually on the arm during a conversation, just as it would for a woman to do

so. I personally think that men should give hugs more, be encouraged to express and

share feelings and emotions, and like or dislike whatever they want.

Deception Detection: I Know You’re Lying

I consider myself to be a pretty good liar- not because I’ve had a lot of

practice lying, but more so because I love to watch people and learn to imitate and

give people the expressions they expect. People watching in a public place is a

favorite hobby, especially since a simple trip to the grocery store can give me an

opportunity to quickly and quietly observe people of all genders, sexes, ages,

nationalities, ethnicities, classes, etc. I also find deception detection fascinating and

have watched plenty of shows before, such as Lie to Me with Tim Roth.

One time I knew when a friend was lying to me was when we were in person

together before a meeting during a normal weekday. We were talking about our

weekends and what had happened. I knew that she and her roommates had thrown

a party with plenty of underage drinkers, but I wasn’t invited and didn’t hear about

it until I saw snapchats and pictures posted from the night. I casually asked her how

her weekend was. She was vague, and responded with a simple statement such as,

“it was good.” I pressed her a little farther. Did you do anything fun? I heard

something about a party at your house. She didn’t make a lot of eye contact with me,

which I immediately noticed, especially since I was looking right at her almost the

entire time we were having this conversation. She said that it wasn’t really a party,

that a few people happened to not be doing anything and asked her if they could

come over and hang out. I knew this was untrue, because she didn’t seem sure of

herself or her story, and she used some filler words like “uh” and “um.” She told me

how they had just planned on watching a movie, and it was no big deal. Not only

could I tell that she was lying, I knew it was untrue because of the photos I had seen.

I also assumed that she or her roommates had invited almost everyone who showed

up, because I’m good friends with them and know that they do that when they want

to have people over to drink. Not only that, but she tried to change the subject on me

by asking how my weekend was and if I was excited for Thanksgiving Break. I

casually kept asking questions about her weekend and that night at her house, and

after several minutes, we were interrupted because our meeting was finally getting

started.

I think she lied to me, because she knows that I disapprove of underage

people drinking a lot, especially when we’ve had problems in the past or our new

members (in our sorority) get drunk before they’re initiated. I’m the Vice President-

Member Education for my sorority, so the new members are my responsibility. I

think she lied to me to hide the fact that there were underage people and new

members drinking at her house when they weren’t supposed to, and I suspect that’s

why I wasn’t invited (others weren’t invited also, which caused some hurt feelings

amongst members in our sorority). I was able to tell that she was lying based on the

verbal and nonverbal cues she gave me, as well as my own external observations

and knowledge of my friends’ normal behavior. It wasn’t a big deal to me that they

had a party and I hated being lied to, but I will admit that it gave me some

gratification to be able to figure out and know that she was lying to me.

It’s All in the Family

My family is very opinionated, loud, and very expressive. We do a very poor

job of hiding how we feel, which we’re rarely inclined to do since we’re more likely

to say exactly how we feel at a loud volume. When my mom is angry, she shows it in

everything she does: from yelling, scrunching her face up, yelling, balling her fists,

and storming out. When someone is upset or disappointed, it’s usually easy to read.

We don’t try to hide our emotions, so we’re constantly expressing how we feel…

which is where I get it.

I’ve learned over the years to be a good encoder and decoder because I love

people watching and trying to understand how others are thinking and feeling, but

sometimes I revert to how I was raised by not caring enough to look beyond the

surface. Since my family shows or exhibits exactly what they’re feeling via the

expressions on their face or their nonverbal cues, it’s fairly easy; sometimes when

I’m with friends here at school, I take their expressions at face value and don’t probe

any deeper.

When my family gets together and starts talking, we’re usually very loud and

expressive. I’ve discovered since being away from them in college in Charlotte that

there are a lot of people different from me and my family in how they encode and

decode expression and nonverbal cues. I have a more dominant personality, and

how I’m feeling is usually written all over my face. I can try to hide my expressions

sometimes, but why would I want to? Although if I’m disappointed in something or

upset with a decision other people may see that and disagree, I don’t care too much.

I’m not fake about it; what I express is usually exactly how I’m feeling, so what you

see is what you get. I think it’s a more honest approach, and while my family is a

good example that it can sometimes cause conflict since we’re not hiding how we

really feel about things, I prefer it that way: open, honest, upfront, and very

expressive.

Impressing Professors: A Letter to Incoming College Students

If I were hypothetically hired as a nonverbal communication consultant, and

part of my job was to advise incoming college students on what behaviors to enact

to impress their professors, I would definitely have a lot to say. As someone who is

pretty good at watching others’ behaviors and reactions and noticing nonverbal

cues, I think I know some behaviors that would definitely help an incoming college

freshman to make the best first impression with new teachers. Cultivating good

habits in the classroom for all four years to establish good relationships with

professors is very important in becoming a successful student, especially since

things come up in life and professors can be there as a resource to assist and give

advice to college students.

Dear Incoming Freshman,

Let me say this upfront: college isn’t easy. Yes, it can be very fun; you’ll meet

all kinds of people and experience things you’ve never done before. You’ll take some

classes you hate, some you think are easy, and others that you genuinely enjoy and

are interested in. You may join clubs, Greek life, get an internship, volunteer, get a

job, and so much more. It’s the time for trying new things and figuring out who you

are and what you want out of life.

One important way in which you can be academically successful and reach

some of your goals is by forming a good relationship with each and every one of

your professors. Yes of course, you’ll have all kinds of teachers for every type of

subject, including strict, rule-following professors to the more relaxed who

personally reach out to you to offer internships or babysitting opportunities. There

will be some professors you can’t stand, and others that you love, but at the end of

the day, it helps to get along with all of them. Here are some nonverbal behaviors I’d

suggest you use in every classroom in order to put your best foot forward and

encourage your professor in order to help build these lasting relationships (that can

even help you out down the line):

1. Make eye contact – This is crucial. Making eye contact in a respectful way

during everything from class to a personal conversation with your professors shows

that you’re engaged in what they have to say.

2. Nod your head – This goes great with the eye contact. Nodding in class

when you understand a concept or agree with something your professor is saying is

encouraging and shows that you’re attentively listening and paying attention.

3. Smile – Use this behavior with the first two for a great first impression.

Smiling and nodding along in class shows your attentiveness and willingness to

participate. It also helps your professor to see that you’re a nice person, which helps

build trust. Professors won’t forget a student who is engaged and happy in class.

4. Sit up straight – This is tough for me to do, especially during morning

classes when you’re exhausted and didn’t get enough sleep the night before.

However, sitting up straight is a great habit since it’ll not only help wake you up and

help you focus better, but it’ll show your teacher that you’re engaged in what’s going

on.

5. Have a confident stance – This means no slouching or crossing your arms.

Keep your head held high. Don’t be too dominant, but when you’re conversing with

a professor standing up, show you’re interested in what he/she has to say.

6. Have a strong handshake – You may not frequently shake your professor’s

hand (except maybe graduation), but this helps in business settings too. Keep a firm

handshake to show you’re confident and professional.

7. Dress the part – This doesn’t mean don’t be comfortable in class. What it

means is to wear outfits that are clean, classy, and put-together. It doesn’t have to be

dressy or super nice, but you don’t want your clothes to speak negatively about you.

Good luck!

Love, A Graduating Senior

Ethical Issues of Decoding and Encoding

This question asked if I think that there are any moral or ethical issues

related to the encoding and decoding of nonverbal cues. My first reaction was no,

there aren’t. However, as I began to think about the question a little bit more, I think

that there are some moral issues culturally that can cause issues or conflicts related

to decoding and encoding.

One example is through the use of gestures. In the United States, a lot of our

gestures are nationally known and understood: everything from the peace sign, to

the okay sign, to even flipping somebody off in the midst of traffic. However, these

gestures are not universally known by everyone in every culture or country around

the world. This is fascinating to me, because something as simple as nodding or

shaking your head to disagree isn’t the same everywhere, but I do both of these

things out of habit and almost expect anyone I’m conversing with to do the same.

These are pretty harmless gestures, for the most part. But what if a “harmless”

gesture here in the United States is done in another country and found to be

extremely offensive? One’s safety or life could be in jeopardy for one simple

nonverbal gesture. It’s crazy to me to think that there are moral or ethical issues and

extreme consequences if someone of another background or culture interprets a

hand signal as being a personal attack.

In class, we talked a lot about nonverbal gestures and even spent one day

doing and interpreting various signs and signals. I’m happy I’ve learned more about

gestures to ensure to help me understand that they’re not universal.

Hiring Vs. Firing: Physical Appearance and Nonverbal Behaviors

I know that some hiring managers hire new employees based on physical

appearance, as well as other nonverbal behaviors, and some employees can be fired

because of it also. To an extent, I don’t necessarily think that employees- especially

women- should be judged in order to get a job based on appearance. However, I do

acknowledge that looking good and presenting well [nonverbally] is crucial in

making a good first impression for the company you’re representing.

Employees who are best for the job should be hired, but I think that

nonverbal behaviors should be kept in mind. How clean your nails are, what your

hair or makeup looks like, and even how classy you dress send messages to

customers, guests, and clients that can cause them to form either positive or

negative opinions on the company or product they are purchasing. Especially in

customer service or sales- really any position that works and interacts with the

public- should keep their nonverbal communication in mind. While I don’t think that

you should be beautiful in order to sell a pair of shoes, putting effort into

maintaining a clean and polished appearance is important. You’re not only selling a

customer a product, you’re selling values of the company, a statement of the

product, and even popularity. It’s important to look the part so that you as an

employee are trusted enough to be relied on.

When it comes to being fired for personal appearance or nonverbal behavior,

I think that this is tricky. You’ve already had your job for quite some time, but now

your boss feels that your nonverbal communication isn’t up to par? He/she knew

what you looked like when you were hired, and unless there’s been a very

significant change that has caused you to look less approachable or stand-offish,

there at least needs to be a conversation between the manager and employee before

any action is taken. While I do think that employees should look relatively nice, it

has more to do with being trust and seemingly put-together than focusing on

beauty. Having a job isn’t all about what you look like; it also should focus on who’s

right for the position and whether or not you can do it well.

Nonverbal Vs. Verbal Communication: Technology

For this entry, I was instructed to think of a situation or scenario in which

verbal behavior was more important than nonverbal, which was tricky. Nonverbal

communication- everything from tone of voice, to facial expressions, and even

posture and gestures- can oftentimes say a lot more than the actual words ones is

communicating. The best example I can think of is through the use of technology,

such as a conversation over the phone, via email, or through text message. While

nonverbal cues can still be present in a phone call (such as tone of voice, etc.), all

three rely heavily on verbal communication- you have to say exactly what you want,

because one can’t read the person’s face or body language.

Let’s say that I’m having a phone interview for a job that I really want;

nonverbally, I will be communicating with the hiring manager using my tone of

voice, pace/speed of speech, and even through facial expressions (i.e. smiling) that

the manager can’t see. Everything I say verbally is still very important, though

nonverbal cues aren’t completely taken out of the equation. In emails and text

messages, however, the focus is quite literally on exactly what I type out to send to

another person. Since he/she can’t hear me saying or reading what I send, it’s

difficult to understand tone (unless you know the person well and can assume how

he/she would say something in particular) as well as any other nonverbal

behaviors.

Technology has vastly changed how we communicate with others, and it will

continue to do so. When it comes to mediums such as the telephone, email, and text

message to communicate, there is a heavy focus on the message itself, rather than

how it is delivered. In every other situation I could think of, while words are

important, nonverbal behaviors communicate just as much if not more than verbal.

In an situation where I’m sending an email to a professor (someone I may not know

well), it’s important to edit exactly what I’m going to say so as not to cause any

miscommunication. Without the use of nonverbal cues, the entire focus is on what I

exactly I’m saying to that person, and that makes all the difference.

Physical Appearance and Stereotypes

There are so many stereotypes in our society and culture today that try to

explain how someone acts, dresses, thinks, etc. by classifying them with those who

are similar. A few stereotypes that I dislike regarding physical appearance and wish

could be changed typically are those involving women. As a female, I know that

we’re constantly judged based on how we look or carry ourselves. Two stereotypes

that I wish could be changed are those involving what it means to be “classy,” as well

as what wearing certain colors or clothing items says about you.

When it comes to class, I’m sure everyone has slightly varying ideas or

examples of classiness or upper-class femininity. When I think of class (as I’m sure

many others do), I think of women such as Jackie Onassis or Audrey Hepburn- two

classes examples of women who dress extremely well and are poised and graceful.

However, thinking about these women, I’ve come to recognize that, with women,

“class” is associated with femininity: the long, classy dresses that both Jackie and

Audrey wore, how their short hair was styled (usually to frame the face or pulled

back), and the poised way in which they acted nonverbally. While strong women,

they’re both also quite passive, charming, and sweet. If I asked people what they

think of when they think of class, here are a few stereotypes I think I might get as an

answer:

- man in a nice suit, clean cut look, attractive, very dominant body language,

usually accompanied by drinks and cigars, likes or has nice cars, has a

beautiful woman (or many), wealthy and successful, good public speaker

- woman in a feminine dress, hair styled neatly, simple and natural-looking

makeup, poised and graceful, simple statement jewelry such as pearls or

diamonds, wealthy, heels, pretty smile, passive and soft-spoken

Since everyone has different ideas of class, these stereotypes might vary slightly.

However, I’ve come to understand class as being associated with being wealthy,

extremely put-together, and attractive.

Another stereotype I wish didn’t exist is what wearing certain colors or styles

says about a person. Typically, while a little black dress is associated with class if

styled in the right way, the color black is also associated with rebellion, goth/ghetto

stereotypes, etc. based on the style worn. Wearing more masculine boots as a

woman does not necessarily enhance femininity like high heels traditionally would.

I don’t really like how certain styles are stereotyped with sex/gender, ethnic

background, or social class. Suits and ties aren’t only for men, and women in a

professional workplace or special event shouldn’t be required to wear heels.

Wearing pastel colors isn’t sophomoric or childish, and while certain colors can say

a lot about a person or mood, they shouldn’t dictate or stereotype the wearer based

on how other people act.

An Experiment with Gestures and Emblems

I spent a day experimenting with contradicting nonverbal cues when I was

communicating with friends. It was a regular weekday with classes, but I used the

wrong gestures and emblems in a class with a good friend, after classes when I hung

out with and talked to another friend, and that night at a meeting with several

people I’m close to. I nodded my head when I said “no” quite a bit during

conversation, leading to some awkward moments of miscommunication. My

constant contradicting nonverbal behaviors definitely threw off and confused my

friends while we talked.

Nodding my head when saying no was one of the more difficult emblems to

remember, since I’m programmed to shake my head. After a while in conversation,

my friends thought it was weird that I was nodding while disagreeing or saying

something negative like “no.” My verbal and nonverbal communication didn’t seem

to match up, which was noticed. A couple friends asked me why I kept nodding, and

I noticed that another believed my nonverbal cues rather than what I was saying. I

noticed that, while in conversation with one friend in class, she didn’t noticed my

nodding at first; however, after two or three times, she gave me a puzzled look and

even once repeated her question. She didn’t mention it though, and since we were in

class, our conversation couldn’t continue much longer.

Having contradicting emblems and gestures can lead to a lot of

miscommunication, especially because we have a specific meaning for a variety of

nonverbal cues. When I nodded my head yes while saying no, I was giving a

contradictory message. Every friend I did this experiment on noticed my incorrect

nonverbal behaviors, which I found interesting, and one believed my nonverbal

answer over what I said. It’s fascinating how we place so much emphasis on

nonverbal communication, and how something as simple as nodding your head can

give so much meaning to a conversation. Luckily, I was able to explain to my

inquisitive friends that it was an experiment for my Nonverbal Communication

class, and one responded by laughing and saying, “oh good, I thought you were being

weird.”

Experiment: Maintaining Persistent Eye Contact

I did two experiments regarding eye contact for these next two entries. This

experiment required me to maintain persistent and unwavering eye contact while in

conversation with a friend, which I found much easier than the second experiment. I

naturally like to try to make a lot of eye contact while in conversation, not only to

keep the other person engaged, but also to encourage what he/she has to say and

show that I’m paying attention.

During a conversation with a friend of mine, I made eye contact the entire

time. At some points it felt like I was staring her down too much, so it did feel a little

unnatural to me, but we had a good conversation. I noticed that the more intently I

looked at her without looking away, it sometimes made her a little uncomfortable.

She looked away a few times to break our gaze, which I was determined to keep.

At one point while we were talking, I looked her directly in the eye the entire

time she was telling a story. She made some eye contact and used her hands more to

gesture while she was speaking; I noticed her looking down at her hands at one

point before looking back at me. She didn’t say anything about my persistent eye

contact; I honestly think she just thought I was very engaged in our conversation

and didn’t have any distractions (cell phone, etc.). While we did have a pretty good

conversation, I could tell a few times that my constant looking at her made her a

little more uncomfortable, and she played with and fixed her hair unknowingly a

few times while we were together.

Experiment: Avoiding Eye Contact

Another experiment I did for this entry was to use as little eye contact during

a conversation with my boyfriend as possible. We were in my room, sitting on the

bed, and talking, and I made it a point to hardly look at him while we talked. He is a

very perceptive and sensitive person, so I could tell that he noticed my lack of eye

contact right away (especially since normally, I’m very good with maintaining gaze)

and became concerned. At first, he kept trying to get my attention and make eye

contact with me; when I looked down, he tried to look at me and once even grabbed

my face to pull my gaze up. After another minute or so, he asked me what was

wrong. He said that he could tell something was up with me, and he wanted to know

if I was okay. I said that I was and everything was normal, but he didn’t believe me

at all.

As we continued our conversation, he stopped midsentence, concerned and

slightly annoyed, to again ask what was wrong. I replied that I felt fine and

everything was good, but he retorted with, “no it’s not fine, you’re hardly looking at

me.” When I assured him again that I was good, he asked if we were okay and if he’d

done or said something to upset me. He seemed genuinely troubled by my lack of

eye contact during our conversation, almost like I wasn’t paying attention or was

upset at something. I eventually had to explain why I wasn’t looking at him, and I

reassured him that it was for a class experiment and had nothing to do with him. It’s

interesting that something as simple as me not looking at him could have such a big

effect.

Affect Displays Experiment: Presentational or Genuine?

For a few days, I observed one of my best friends and her affect displays in

regards to how she communicates nonverbally. In class, we learned all about affect

displays, and the difference between fake (presentational) and genuine reactions

and expressions. I think this subject is very interesting, because I know that I

sometimes “present” myself in a way that I want others to see, and I do it with facial

expressions as well. Everyone has seen someone do a presentational affect display

when opening up a present he/she didn’t like but had to pretend to be surprised by

and love.

This friend is a very genuine, supportive person. She’s in my sorority in a

leadership position, and she’s the kind of person that everyone likes and gets along

with. She’s not a pushover though, which helps her to both get things done and

make difficult decisions, as well as put on a good face and keep up personal

relationships. I noticed that a lot of the time, her presentational and genuine affect

displays were very similar. When she smiles, she tends to be very real about it

(which shows in her eyes), but I did notice some forced smiles and nodding when

she was listening to someone speak in a conversation. I think she was trying to be

supportive and encouraging, but it looked very much like a presentation instead of

genuine interest.

I also noticed that this friend hides her frustration and anger very well,

unless she’s tired or stressed out. When there’s a problem or concern, she expresses

it willingly (especially in conversation to me, since we tend to agree on a lot of the

same things), but she still masks all of her true emotions. While it’s okay to let

people see your true expressions and emotions, being able to utilize presentational

affect displays is also a skill, because you can tailor your nonverbal behaviors to

communicate in a way you want and present yourself in a way you want others to

notice.

I think there are some gender differences when it comes to affect displays

(which could be learned), because a lot of my female friends show exactly how

they’re feeling through their affect displays and do a poor job masking emotions.

However, this friend in particular is very skilled at smiling and being encouraging to

others during conversation, as well as masking her disappointing, frustrations, or

anger, which helps her to let the other person she’s talking to feel supported.

People Watching: Restaurant Edition

I work as a hostess at an upscale restaurant in Myers Park, just a few minutes

down the road from school. I see people of different status, class, sex/gender, age,

etc. come in to the restaurant, and since I love to people watch, I often notice things

about guests while they’re there. For this entry, I observed two women drinking and

eating in our bar/lounge area on a Friday evening, and I analyzed some of their

regulators, expressions, gestures, and other nonverbal behavior.

Both women appeared to be pretty dominant in the conversation, and they

were very animated while talking. One gestured a lot more than the other, gesturing

wildly as she told her friend a long story. Her friend mirrored her body language and

posture, crossing her legs just like her friend was. As far as regulators, there were

moments when one woman would stop speaking and allow the other to have the

floor; however, I also noticed that they talked at the same time over each other more

than one, which could be due in part to the fact that they were looser and a little

louder from drinking alcohol.

Their expressions were detailed and genuine, and both women hid very little.

One of the ladies even made a disgusted face when the other was telling her a story

(presumably about a man or gossiping about someone else), and one of the women

touched the other’s arm while speaking. It’s always interesting to me to watch

guests at my restaurant talking and interacting with each other, our servers and

managers, and me. People present themselves a certain way and sometimes treat

each person differently, depending on their rank.

Touch Behavior and Proxemics

Growing up, my family wasn’t always big on touch. Although we all are loud

and very expressive, we don’t always communicate nonverbally through the use of

touch, body position, or being close to the other person. I’m personally familiar with

American culture, which I think sometimes promotes touch and other times does

not. For example, I wouldn’t expect to be touched by a stranger during a

conversation, but it might be more welcome and even natural for a friend to touch

my arm or give me a hug while we’re together talking and hanging out. I also don’t

think it’s appropriate for someone of a lower class, lower status, or younger age to

touch someone who is above him/her, because it could be seen as disrespectful.

However, vice-versa might be okay, especially if it’s in a professional setting, such as

a doctor touching a patient to both establish a relationship and physically check that

person during an appointment or physical.

In class and in the reading, we learned about how touch varies across

countries and cultures, and although some cultures may have similarities in what

touch is considered okay or appropriate, it’s not the same everywhere. The United

States is very different from Asian countries in this regard, because we are more

expressive and more likely to initiate touch. How close you are to someone matters,

also. In the United States on the subway, or even in London on the Underground,

being crammed into a car with other passengers might lead to one expecting to be

touched accidentally by a stranger.

Every culture has a different policy on acceptable touch behavior, and as we

learned in class, not every country is the same in this regard. I like living in a culture

where touch is okay to an extent, but I also think that we need to value one’s privacy

and personal space, because that says just as much nonverbally as physical touch or

proxemics do.