week 1- successfully singe

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: A SIX-WEEK CLASS

Lisa Allred, LCSWSenior Program Manager, SAS Work/Life

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE TOPICS

Week One: Single by Death, Divorce, Delay or Design

Week Two: Letting GoWeek Three: Connections and Boundaries

Week Four: Self-CareWeek Five: Preparing to DateWeek Six: Dating

SUCCESSFULLY SINGE: WEEK ONE

Single by Death, Divorce, Delay and DesignLisa Allred, LCSW

SAS Work/Life

ALL RELATIONSHIPS END. SINGLEHOOD IS

ALMOST NEVER CHOSEN, AT LEAST

INITIALLY.Singling by John Landgraf

•Pain•Anger•Crisis•Grief•Dependency

•Failure•Prelude, interlude or postlude

•Not a choice

•Grief•Releasing your mate

•Thinking single

•Conquer fear•Make friends•Overcome cultural messages

Design Death

Divorce

Delay or

Default

PATHS TO BECOMING SINGLE

Singlehood is a state of existence, a way of being. It is a condition of encouraging, affirming, and maintaining one’s integrity as a self. It is being willing –and learning how- to

become increasingly self-aware, self-preserving, self-affirming, self-fulfilling, and autonomous (self-governing).

It is taking responsibility for one’s own well-being (total health and wholeness). It is making decisions for one’s

own life.”Singling by John Landgraf

PATHS TO BECOMING SINGLE

DeathDivorceDelay or DefaultDesign

PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DEATHGrief: process after death of a spouse can take 3-5 years

Releasing your mate: What are the advantages of embracing a relationship that is no longer available to me?

What are the disadvantages of letting go of that which is gone?

Thinking single: learning to provide for yourself what was formerly provided by your mate; taking inventory of your internal and external resources

PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DIVORCEGrief: process after death of a spouse can take 3-5 years

Releasing your mate: What are the advantages of embracing a relationship that is no longer available to me?

What are the disadvantages of letting go of that which is gone?

Thinking single: learning to provide for yourself what was formerly provided by your mate; taking inventory of your internal and external resources

PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DELAY OR DEFAULTFailure to do something one is supposed to do

An unavoidable prelude, interlude or postlude to “normal” living

Don’t choose to be single b/c no sane adult would

PATH TO BECOMING SINGLE: DESIGN

Singling skills must be learned, non-single skills are innate

Conquer fear of being alone

Learn to make friends

Overcome cultural messages and other obstacles

Material for today’s class from Singling: A new way to live the single life by John R. Landgraf

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: WEEK TWO

Letting GoLisa Allred, LCSW

SAS Work/Life

ABOUT BEING SINGLE

Singlehood means neither having to attach oneself to another person like a clinging vine nor having to detach from everybody to prove one’s independence. Singlehood is the freedom and power to operate interdependently.

Any thoughts over the last week about Singling?

MESSAGES AROUND BEING SINGLE

ANGER AND SINGLENESS Anger encompasses a range of

emotions: Resentment Irritation Hurt Rejection Righteous indignation

Anger is automatic and involuntary when we are feeling left out, shut out, cut off or pushed away from a desired relationship.

Think about someone you know who doesn’t handle anger well, what does that look like?

HOW YOU HANDLE ANGER DETERMINES THE FRIENDS YOU ATTRACT AND KEEP

“Non-singles may be able to keep people in their lives who, because they are also non-single, tolerate their sullen moods or temper tantrums, but singlers who want mature friends can ill afford such childish luxuries.”

- John Landgraf, Singling

CONTINUUM OF HANDLING ANGERBo

ttle

it up

With

draw

nSu

bmiss

iveDe

pend

en t

Step

s for

ap

prop

riate

ly ha

ndlin

g an

ger

Adm

itEx

pres

sRe

store

Repo

rtNe

gotia

te

Spew

it o

utAg

gres

sive

Dom

ineer

in g

Where do you fall on this continuum? Is the answer different at work? At home?With people who have more power than you? Less?

STEPS FOR HANDLING ANGER

ADMIT to yourself that you are angry.EXPRESS your anger in a safe environment to boil it down to its essence, clarify it, and defuse it.

RESTORE to conscious awareness your own attitude of love, without waiting for your adversary to change.

What methods do you have for expressing anger in a safe environment?Do you struggle with an “attitude of love”?

STEPS FOR HANDLING ANGER (CONT.)REPORT openly and directly the angry feelings you are experiencing. To say openly and directly “I am angry, can we talk” is incredibly difficult because of pride, habit, nonassertiveness, discomfort with conflict, unwillingness to admit angry feelings, etc. Remember you are doing it because you care about the relationship.

NEGOTIATE mutually and without being defensive about the issue at stake.

Can you think of an example of a time you handled your anger directly and had a positive outcome?

24

IMPLEMENT COPING STRATEGIES!

•Use problem-focused coping!

Is there anything about this

situation that you can control?

•Use emotion-focused coping!

Is this a situation that you have no control over?

25

WHAT IS PROBLEM-FOCUSED COPING?Should be used when you are able to control one or more aspects of the situation

Begins with brainstorming possibilities of how you might be able to address the problem

Might involve communicating with another person to make desired changes

Might involve altering your typical pattern of response in the situation

What are some examples of problem-focused coping you have used?

26

WHAT IS EMOTION-FOCUSED COPING?

To be used when you have no control over the situation Might involve skills like:

Reframing your thoughts Adopting new “self-talk” Limiting the amount of time you spend thinking about the situation

Talking with someone about your feelingsWhat are some examples of emotion-focused coping you have used?

LOOKING FORWARD

Any “to do” items as a result of class today?Next week: Connections and Boundaries

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE:WEEK THREE

Connections and BoundariesLisa Allred, LCSW

SAS Work/Life

THREE CONDITIONS CRUCIAL TO MAKING FRIENDS

ProximityRepeated, unplanned interactionsA setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other

www.helpguide.org

THEORY BEHIND MAKING FRIENDS

Exposure Effect-People tend to like things that they’re familiar with

The more time people spend with you, the more they will acquire a “taste” for you

For example, people will have a greater fondness for others who work in their building than a total strangerBusiness Insider.com

THEORY BEHIND MAKING FRIENDS

Repeated interactionsSharing confidencesPersonal historyProjects you have arranged your life aroundCore values

Asking people for stuff“Friendfluence”People feel good when they feel needed

Business Insider.com

WHERE TO MEET PEOPLE Volunteering Class or club Walk a dog Invite a neighbor or colleague for coffee/drink/movie Track down old friends via social media Connect with alumni association Carpool to work Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals

www.helpguide.org

HOW TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION

Remark on the surroundings or occasionAsk open-ended questionsUse a complimentNote anything you have in common and ask a follow up question

Keep the conversation going with small talkListen effectively

www.helpguide.org

IF THINGS DON’T WORK OUT…

Don’t take it personallyDon’t dwell on the experienceDon’t make up stories about it

www.helpguide.org

HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND

Be the friend that you would like to haveBe a good listener Invest in the friendshipGive your friend spaceDon’t set too many rules and expectationBe forgiving

www.helpguide.org

PRACTICE IN NON-THREATENING SITUATIONS

Most people in the service industry are very social and will welcome small talk. Practice your conversation starters with a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess, or salesperson.

Try talking to the leader/organizer at the event.

Other ideas???www.helpguide.org

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: WEEK FOUR

Self- CareLisa Allred, LCSW

SAS Work/Life

WHAT IS HAPPINESS?

Happiness is an emotional state characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

Happiness implies the presence of something positive, not just the absence of negativity- it is more than relief from anxiety, boredom, loneliness, pain, etc.

From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People

JAMES-LANGE THEORY

The brain receives feedback from the body to interpret it’s emotional state

StimulusPhysiological responseSubjective response

Examples:Pen in mouthGive yourselves a round of applause


WHAT CONTRIBUTES TO HAPPINESS?

Not improving life circumstances! Not more $$$!Exception if basic needs aren’t met and living in poverty

Set point 50%, Circumstances 19%, Intentional Activity 40%

Why not? Hedonic Adaptation (the ability to return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.

Note: some evidence that happiness increases income From Dr. Brian King

Institute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People

BRAIN BASED EMOTIONAL STYLES THAT CONTRIBUTE TO HAPPINESS Emotional Style Assessment- Davidson **Resilience-how fast you recover from adverse events **Outlook- optimism vs. pessimism Social Intuition- ability to grasp social cues including body

language, facial and verbal expressions Self Awareness- self-opaque to self-aware, how tuned you are to

signals coming from YOUR body and mind Sensitivity to Context- the way you modulate your behavior and

emotional responses depending on the person you are interacting with, tuned in

Attention- focus is necessary From Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People

MANAGING STRESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO TO BE HAPPY Recognize worry as a habit (95% of what we do is)- worry provides

momentary relief from negative condition (inactivity); must find other ways for the brain to stimulate itself (daydreaming, imagination, reading, refocus attention, act)

Negative affect leads to “battle station” thinking (hyperfocused); “I can’t think when I am mad” is supported by brain research

Positive affect “broadens and builds” (Fredrickson)- able to use full range of brain capabilities

When you view problems as temporary and controllable, your brain turns off physiological stress response


DEVELOPING RESILIENCE TO HANDLE STRESSResilience is like a muscle (work it and it gets stronger)

Anticipate challengesRecognize emotional amplifiersUse resources you have (past experience, social support, etc.)


HEALTHY COPING STRATEGIES

NOT habit forming (unfortunately)Reappraisal (deciding problem isn’t that important, in 10 years…)

Problem-solvingShifting attentionAcceptance


NEGATIVE COPING STRATEGIES

Habit forming (unfortunately)Escaping through food, alcohol and drugsRuminationShaming, blaming, inflamingWhen it becomes a compulsory habit = addiction


ACTION: ARTICULATING YOUR BEST POSSIBLE SELFResearch by King 2001Once a week write in a journal “Think about your best possible self” means you imagine yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it possible could, your goals have been accomplished and your dreams have been realized

Write a detailed description of what your life might be like (personal and professional) and vary the domains you consider each week (romantic relationship, career goals, health, family, etc.)


ACTION: RECAPTURE POSITIVE MEMORIESHappy people look fondly on positive past events

Reminiscing with old friendsPhotographyScrapbookingWhen you tell a story about your life it encourages you to live a better story.From Dr. Brian King

Institute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People

ACTION: EXPRESSING NEEDS

Happy people express emotional concerns in ways that facilitate meaningful change instead of triggering conflict.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” -Mahatma Gandhi

Assertiveness training, meet with therapistFrom Dr. Brian KingInstitute for Brain PotentialHabits of Happy People

ACTION: SHARING GRATITUDE AND LOVE Happy people communicate gratitude to their friends and love to

family in ways that strengthen bonds.*** Most important change with immediate impact and minimal effort: express positive emotions to others


ACTION: GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Write down three good things that happened today

Why does it work?Counteracts adaptationPositive re-construalCan validate goals and choices


ACTION: SAVORING/APPRECIATING

Look around your environment and take note of one or more things that you take for granted.

Focus on endings: think about the fact that you only have a short amount of time left in this experience- this encourages you to make the most of your remaining time, helps prioritize goals, inhibits adaptation


ACTION: SETTING MEANINGFUL GOALS Lack of purpose highly correlates with happinessSet meaningful goals that focus on what you want in life. Ask yourself how much time/energy you are spending towards achieving those goals.

“If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.”

-Andrew Carnegie


ACTION: FINDING HUMOR IN EVERYDAY LIFELaughter is the beneficial element of humor- the physical act of laughter

What makes you laugh? Taking laugh breaks


ACTION: TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

Regular exerciseHealthy dietSleep


ACTION: OTHER SUGGESTIONS Curtail social comparisons Consider how to best spend your money

Experiences make you happy, not material things Simplify your life Mindfulness mediation, Loving kindness meditation Smile Look for awe inspiring experiences Random acts of kindness Fake it till you make it- pen trick, smile, James-Lange theory


SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE:WEEK FIVE

Preparing to DateLisa Allred, LCSW

SAS Work/Life

CREATE THESE LISTS TO HELP CLARIFYWhat characteristics does your ideal partner have?List absolute “deal breakers”What characteristics attracted you to the significant partners in your past? (list each separately)

CREATE THESE LISTS TO HELP CLARIFYCompare 1, 2 and 3 to look for patterns. Are there things that attracted you to previous partners that are not on your first list? Were there characteristics that previous partners exhibited that were on your list of “deal breakers” yet you chose to ignore them? This is a way to identify personal red flags, i.e., things you find attractive that may not be consistent with the type of person you want to engage in a relationship.

List these personal red flags. List general red flags (signs that a potential partner may be abusive, have a substance abuse problem, etc.)

DESIRED PARTNER CHARACTERISTICS:GROUP BRAINSTORM Humor Considerate Dependable Honest Single Takes care of self (emotionally, spiritually, physically)

Good with kids

Outgoing Friendly Generous Financially stable Length of separation/divorce (differed among class members)

Consistent relationship goal (i.e., companionship vs. commitment)

Predictability

DEAL BREAKERS: GROUP BRAINSTORM Married long-term unemployment Dishonest Addiction Messy Controlling Jealous Angry

Moody Loud Flat affect Constant complaining Not willing to discuss problems Pacifying Large Age difference Educational level

DEAL BREAKERS (CONT.)

Bad debtSelfish/narcissisticBad parentHistory of having an affairNo friendsPoor relationship with family of origin

PATTERNS: WHAT ATTRACTED YOU TO PREVIOUS PARTNERSNoveltyYour being center of attentionRomance, spontaneity, excitement, funOpposite of fatherPhysical type

RED FLAGS

One up-ingOverly extravagant with moneyPressuring youNot wanting you to talk with anyone elseChronically late Invading your privacyNo friends or outside interestsDisrespectful to ex-partner

RED FLAGS (CONT.)

RudeBossySelf-centeredPrejudicedDisrespectfulTreats family poorly

SUCCESSFULLY SINGLE: WEEK SIX

DatingLisa Allred, LCSW

SAS Work/Life

PRACTICAL TIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT Be leery of someone who is recently single. It can take 6 months

or much longer to get over a serious relationship. Take a drinking inventory: more than 6 drinks per week or more

than 4 drinks per occasion could spell trouble. Is decision-making all one sided? If so, you may not have a voice

in the relationship. Put your health first: use a condom. Date at least a year before cohabitating or marrying.

www.womansdivorce.com

PRACTICAL TIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT Avoid inadvertent stalking- be careful not to engage in premature couple behavior

Don’t overshare- confide in someone only after they earn your trust Go with your gut- don’t keep seeing someone if you really aren’t into them just to keep from hurting their feelings

Keep an attitude of experimentation and openness- dating can be a fun way to meet new people, focus on Mr./Ms. Right Now vs. Mr./Ms. Right

Be aware that sometimes we look for people who are opposite of our last partner


PRACTICAL TIPS FOR DATING AS AN ADULT Be what you want to attract- ask yourself “am I all of the things I

want in a new partner”? Stay focused on the positive momentum of your life (don’t dwell

on the past) Online dating IS part of the dating mix Drive yourself to dates when you are meeting someone new- but

watch the alcohol consumption b/c you have to drive home You didn’t change your ex, you are not going to change someone

new

www.womensdivorce.com

TIPS ON SAFE DATING Google yourself: personal info you don’t want out there showing

up? If so… https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/2744324?hl=en

Google your date- is the info you find consistent with what they are telling you about themselves

Run background check on potential dates, but remember, it only reports convicted crimes http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2013/04/13/how-to-do-free-online-backgr

ound-check/

Get a google phone number so you aren’t giving out your actual cell number http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Google-Voice-Phone-Number

Check personal references if available

https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/2744324?hl=en

https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/2744324?hl=en

http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2013/04/13/how-to-do-free-online-background-check/



http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Google-Voice-Phone-Number

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Google-Voice-Phone-Number

TIPS ON SAFE DATING Always drive yourself and pay for yourself Always tell someone where you are going/ consider enabling the GPS

on your phone/ set up a phone call at a set time Don’t leave valuables at the table if you get up to go to the restroom If you need to leave a drink unattended, order another when you

return to the table On-line safety resources

http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx?lid=4 https://www.getsafeonline.org/social-networking/online-dating/ http://

www.aarp.org/home-family/dating/info-01-2013/online-dating-safety-tips-solin.2.html

http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx?lid=4

http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx?lid=4

https://www.getsafeonline.org/social-networking/online-dating/

https://www.getsafeonline.org/social-networking/online-dating/

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/dating/info-01-2013/online-dating-safety-tips-solin.2.html



INTERNET DATING WEBSITES

Who do you want to date? Free sites include higher than average number of older people, people

on fixed incomes, those with lower paying jobs or no job at all Features that you want?

Paid websites may have additional features including large events for subscribers

How does it work? You create profile, you can view other profiles, send or respond to

messages within the site

www.womensdivorce.com

WRITING YOUR ON-LINE PROFILE User name- anonymous yet descriptive, focus on activity or interest,

fascinating profession, physical attribute, personality, or humor Ex/ golfnut, hookedonbooks, artlady, sunnysmiles, sweetnshy,

middleagedoverweightschoolmarm Banner headline or subject line

6-12 word phrase to grab attention, should be positive, interesting, humorous Take a few minutes and jot down your good attributes Use adjectives that emphasize your joy and vitality

Ex/Travel gal wants a pal, have you had your giggle today, live wire seeks sparks Avoid asking too much too soon, sounding too sexy, sounding too romantic,

picking on men Ex/give me a lifetime of laughter, sexy lady needs naughty guy, searching for

prince charming, no head games


WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR PROFILE Physical- tell the truth, use colorful language and humor Personality

Share your interests, how you spend your leisure time, include hobbies that show playful and serious side

Appeal to your target audience If you’re a woman and your profile says your favorite thing to do is shop,

may not appeal to many men Other specific, telling details

Most people enjoy dinner, music, travel… add more Ex/ nothing tastes better than a cold beer and a hot dog at the ballpark,

my friends think I am funny (I love my friends) Don’t talk about family in profile www.womansdivorce.com

WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR PROFILE Avoid the negative

Ex/ all my friends are married and I am tired of being the third wheel What about demands?

Statements like “game players need not apply” can turn people off b/c you seem testy

Also don’t need to emphasize that you are new to on-line dating, don’t apologize

Education and success Again, be honest

Pictures Have to include- no pix, no picks Head shot is good, something up close that you can clearly be seen


WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR PROFILE

Summary sell lineWhat can you say that will make them click on you?

Ex/ I will be a good friend and ally. I will be tender, responsive, appreciative and agreeable. I will inspire you. I will listen to you.


CONCLUSION

Where are you on your singling journey?What are your short-term action items? Long-term?

Do you need assistance in your journey? From family or friends? From a therapist?

Best wishes. Remember to appreciate the journey.

week 1- successfully singe

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