Think of an argument that you got into with your teen that lasted more than a few sentences. Did your actions become more heated and forceful

as your teen failed to “give in”?

Jot down notes that describe the sequence of events. What action brought out the 1st negative comment? How then did your teen react? How did the 1st party respond to that 2nd person’s

action?Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Teen DefianceResolve Conflict and Rebuild Your

Relationship

Michele Tureaud , Barbara L. Cohen, Wanda Holloway

Fairfax County Public SchoolsBehavior Intervention Services

In the short term (and long term), who “won”? Were hearts and minds won over? Were relationships built and “trust bonds”

cemented? Will the “show of force” “teach the kid a lesson”?

Which parent actions worsened the situation?

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Recognize defiant behavior

Identify why it occurs

Learn strategies to avoid the conflict

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Two people want the same power and neither one of them has a firm grip on it.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

"Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It's the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.“Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children's Hospital in Boston

Defiance is usually a teen’s way of gaining morecontrol and decision making ability in their lives.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

This is what I have control over

This is what I WISH I had control over

1. On which issues do you spend most of your physical and emotional energy?

2. Is your energy being spent on issues that you can control or those that fall under the wishes category?

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Choose battles wisely

Allow breathing room

Ask, “Is this argument necessary or can it be put aside?”

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

No is a complete sentence Children are programmed from birth

to push and resist against rules.

Say no, just once. If she throws a tantrum, walk out of

the room and let her anger be her problem.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Is there a reason for the defiant behavior?

Make sure you know what is going on in your teen’s life.

Offer Choices We all like to feel powerful.

Choices help your teen feel like they are more in control.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Set the rules

Stick to your decision.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

All teens need guidance.

Hostile behavior couldbe a desperate cry for

help.

Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict

Listen intently

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Never discount your teen’s ideas. Write all the suggestions down and hand

them to your teen first. She will go through them and cross off

the ones she doesn’t like. Then it’s your turn…. Usually, there are two-three suggestions

left that can be discussed and negotiated.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Create house rules. Create consequences for abiding by

the rules and consequences for disobeying the rules.

Review the rules periodically. ▪ “We’ve discussed what is going to happen. I’m

confident you’ll make the right choice.” Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Carefully choose the major issues.

13 minutes a day in actual communication with parents.

9 minutes are spent correcting, criticizing or arguing.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Reaction and control do not work

Reduce patterns of reactive behavior

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

GEMS Average of 432 negative comments

per day vs. 32 positive comments.

Offer Genuine Encounter Moments Give full attention and curiosity.

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

1. Optimism2. Know it’s a roller-coaster ride3. Change can be influenced with

leverage and persuasion4. Integrate new knowledge including

the unconventional5. Multiple strategies are needed6. Take good emotional care of

yourself

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk