what can i do when my child is hurting?

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What Can I Do When My Child Is Hurting?by Zan Tyler

For three and a half years, my son Ty attended Covenant College on a soccer scholarship.

During the fall of his junior year, after a particularly arduous practice, Ty suffered from a

migraine headache. He used a newly prescribed medication and subsequently lost the visionin his right eye. The whole ordeal was a time of darkness and difficulty for me, although Ty

embraced his loss with faith and handled the situation with grace.

Tys desire was to stay in college, so helping him accomplish that became our family goal

for the year. We all grieved with Ty over his loss, worried about further medicalcomplications, and tried to lighten his load as much as possible. Our second son, John, was

a freshman at Covenant that year and dropped a course so that he could take Ty to doctorsappointments and help him with studies and overwhelming logistics. I made the 350-mile

trip to Covenant (located on Lookout Mountain overlooking Chattanooga, Tennessee) many,many times during the course of that year. Lizzy, then 12, traveled with me, doing her

schoolwork in the car, at the college, and in a multitude of doctors offices. Joe came asoften as he could, given the constraints of a demanding job.

Several people on Lookout Mountain volunteered their mountain homes for us to stay in

during our frequent visits. During one of those visits in late October, Lizzy crawled in thebed with me in the middle of the night. I knew she was exhausted. We had left South

Carolina before daylight to make the trip to Covenant, we had experienced anotherdisappointing doctors appointment with Ty, and we were all exhausted by the time we

collapsed into another set of strange beds in unfamiliar surroundings that evening. Thisparticular vacation house, perched on the side of the mountain, had a bit of an eerie feel to

it, exacerbated by the sound of the wind howling through the trees.

Mom, Lizzy whispered as we talked together that evening, I have been appointed by the

family to ask you a question.

I was wide awake now and anxious to find out what was on her mindwhat was troubling

her so much that she couldnt sleep. What is it, Honey? I asked, totally unprepared for

what came next.

Well, you have always taught us that God is sovereign and God is good. And we want to

know when youre going to start living that way again.

Lizzys honest question penetrated my heart like a knife. I wanted to scream: This is myson! Ill grieve and worry if I want to! And to be honest, I couldnt see Gods goodness in

the situation as hard as I tried. But I became painfully aware that night that my children

desperately needed to see me walk by faith, especially when I didnt want to or feel like it.

Through twenty-one years of homeschooling, I learned that we cant always protect our

children from illness, pain, heartache, or disappointment. Because we live in a fallen world,they will suffer at some point in time. Their suffering might stem from a chronic illness or a

learning disability. Sometimes loss or disappointment can cause depression to set in. Everychild has strengths and every child has weaknesses. In last months article, we touched on

teaching our children to operate from their areas of strengths, but what should we teachthem about handling their weaknesses and bearing up under pain or hardship?


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Here are some suggestions:

1. Take them to Scripture. Teach them that God is the great Redeemer. He forgives our sin,

redeems our lives from the Pit (Psalm 103:4), turns our mourning into dancing (Psalm30:11), provides light in the midst of darkness (Psalm 139:1112, Daniel 2:22), gives

abundant life (John 10:10), and blesses us with every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians1:3). The hymn How Firm a Foundation reminds us of these truths: For I will be with you,your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress. Read aloud these entire

Bible verses, all of Psalm 103, and How Firm a Foundation with your children. Discuss

ways to apply to your daily lives the truths they proclaim.

2. Memorize II Corinthians 12:910 together. In these verses, Paul teaches us that we arenot only supposed to acknowledge our weaknesses but also to boast in them, because

Christs power is perfected in weakness. He also admonishes us to be pleased inweaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and pressures, for when I am weak, then

I am strong.

3. As you work through learning disabilities, chronic illness, or daily disappointments with

your children, model for them what it looks like to walk by faith and not by sightto focusnot on what is seen, but what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseenis eternal (II Corinthians 4:1718, NIV).

4. Teach your children the importance of attitude and perseverance. Chuck Swindoll says

that he is convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we reactto it: We are in charge of our attitudes. Do a word study on perseverance in the Bible. You

will be amazed at how often faith and perseverance are linked in various passages.

5. Every child needs an Individualized Education Program (IEP). In the majority of schoolsettings, only children with certain disabilities qualify for an IEP. But at home you can

develop an IEP that is tailored to each childs needs and intereststaking into account not

only disabilities but also other discomfiting situations they are dealing with in life.

6. Remind your children often of their strengths and areas of giftedness. Dont neglect tohelp them discover their areas of spiritual gifting. Find activities they enjoy participating in

and can excel in.

7. Pray for and with your children. Teach your children to pray for each other and to bear

one anothers burdens in practical ways. In addition to the obvious life lessons learned, thistraining will keep them from resenting the extra attention that a sibling with a health issue,

learning problem, or other special need requires.

8. Stay involved in a support group as much as possible. You need the love and supportfrom close friends who understand the demands of homeschooling while you are dealing

with difficult situations.

Just as Christ laid down his life for us, we are called to lay down our lives for our children.Elisabeth Elliot refers to this as the exchanged life principle. As Christ exchanged His life for

ours, we are to exchange our lives for others. Children need parents to advocate for themto love them, teach them, encourage them, comfort them, correct them, rejoice in them,

help them in their weakness, and affirm them. This is part and parcel of the educationprocess. And as you lay down your life for your children, you are discipling them in

powerful, life-changing ways. Teaching them to deal with disappointment, heartache,


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weaknesses, and other stresses is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children whilethey are still in your home.

PS: Tys sight came back miraculously eighteen months later and is an important part of his

testimony and life story today.

Zan is the Director ofApologia Press, a division ofApologia Educational Ministries; theauthor of7 Tools for Cultivating Your Childs Potential; and an international speaker.Her goal is to empower and encourage parents in the eternally significant task of

homeschooling. Zan and Joe homeschooled their three children from kindergarten through

high school, for a total of twenty-one years.

Copyright 2012, used with permission. All rights reserved by author. Originally appeared inthe February 2012 issue of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, the family education

magazine. Read the magazine free atwww .TOSMagazine .com or read it on the go anddownload the free TOS Apps to read the magazine on your Kindle Fire or Apple or Android

devices.
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what can i do when my child is hurting?

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