when life hands you lemons. . . throw them at people! 'first look: chapter 1

8/2/2019 When Life Hands You Lemons. . . Throw Them At People! 'First Look: Chapter 1'

1/31


2/31


3/31

WHEN LIFE HANDS

YOU LEMONS...THROW THEM AT

PEOPLE!

ABookAboutGrowingUp,ScrewingUp,andMovingUpwithJustanOunceofMaturity

Byzackgonzalez

AZackG.ComedyProductionsBook


4/31

Copyright 2012 by Zack Gonzalez

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of

1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or

transmitted in any form by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval

system, without the prior written permission of the author.

The stories in this book are told to the best of the authors memory. For

protection purposes, names, dates, events, and descriptive characteristics

and details may have been changed, altered, reordered, and/or compressed.

Any resulting resemblance to any persons living or dead is simply

coincidental and unintentional. Reader discretion is advised.

1st paperback edition produced through Lulu Enterprises, Inc

www.lulu.com

The publisher and the author are not responsible for websites (or their

content) that are not owned by the publisher or the author.

A Zack G. Comedy Productions Book

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gonzalez, Zack.

When life hands you lemons throw them at people / ZackGonzalez.1st ed.

p. cm.ISBN: 978-1-105-35903-3 (pbck.)eBook ISBN:

1. Male comediansUnited StatesBiography.2. American wit and humor 3. LifeHumor I. Title
http://www.lulu.com/http://www.lulu.com/


5/31


6/31


7/31

Wordoftheday:sympathetic.Thatsabig

word.

SNOOKI,aNew York Times best-sellingauthor


8/31

ABOUTTHISBOOK:

When life has handed him way too many ridiculous

absurdities, the smart-mouthed and quick-witted Zack

decides that lifes lemons arent bestowed for selfish

affairs such as making lemonade.

In a wild concoction of hilariously brash narratives, Zack

recounts all of his lifes most erratic moments, shaping the

character he is today. Whether its trying to convince his

principal that the reason his hair is orange is because his

mother made him color it, arguing with his great-

grandmother over whether shes taking a shot of gin or

just drinking her medicine, or being voted the teamsleast valuable player, Zack really knows how to take lifes

lemons... and chuck them in the other direction, for the

sake of his sanity; and sometimes at the cost of others.

Welcome to very unique life of

Zack...


9/31

Praiseforthisbook:

Zacks self-deprecating sense of humor shines in his

witty stories about everyday life. A fun and relatableread.

-JennyMcCarthy

Comedian, Actress, Best-Selling Author

Zacks snarky, twisted, smart-assed, teenaged view of the

world and those around him is laugh-out-loud funny.-ZacksCougarGirlfriend

From the Foreword


10/31

THEFOREWORDTOTHEFOREWORD

byZack

The Foreword is the part of the book where an author asks

someone special to sit down and come up with reasonsyou, the reader, should buy this book, along with doing as

much ass-kissing possible. So when it came time for me

to pick someone to write the Foreword, it got a little

tricky. I thought and thought and thought until finally, I

hurt myself.

After a while, I thought I should follow in the steps

of Sarah Silverman and write the Foreword myself (whichis kind of what Im already doing) because I have so

many people that have come in and out of my life, that

there really isnt one person I could ask thats been

consecutively by my side through it all. Well, except my

mom, but how embarrassing would that be. So instead I


11/31

decided to call up everyone whos ever fallen prey to one

of my ever-so brilliant schemes and give them a chance to

write this Foreword. So get ready, because they have a lot

to say!


12/31

FOREWORDby

AnyoneWhoHasSomethingtoSayAboutZack

I met Zack in high school, and to be completely honest, I

didnt know who he was until our junior year in English

class. Thats where I really began to talk to him and

befriend him, and let me tell you, before you enter afriendship with him know this, he is the most sarcastic

person you will ever meet! I mean seriously, I wonder if a

minute goes by when he doesnt try to make you feel like

an idiot! The funniest part is that its that sarcasm that

makes Zack unique. Later in this book, youll read that

everyone at our high school applauded when he

announced that he would not return for his senior year,and although that is mostly true, I never had a problem

with Zack. If anything, I enjoyed that he sassed everyone,

it made my day that much funnier and that much more

enjoyable. I guess I should end this before it gets too long

(pun intended).


13/31

So Ill say this, thank you Zack, thank you for all

the laughs, and most of all, thank you for putting me in

your book!

Someone Zack Went to High School With

My brother is a sick person! I dont know if a day goes by

when he (one) doesnt try to scare me, or (two) doesnt

call me a little baby. He can especially be annoying at

five-in-the-morning when texting me to wake up for noreal reason other than to wake up because he knows I

enjoy sleeping in.

When I make a video for his website and it gets a

lot of views, he says he made it funny by putting it

together and editing it, but we all know Imade it funny.

When we make videos for his books, it always turns out to

be a competition between who gets the most views. (Imobviously the winner, but he wont admit it.)

But despite all the mean things he does to people,

he is funny. And to tell you the truth, I hope, and I mean I

hope, he is seen as afunny comedian.

Zacks Brother, Shawn

There are people you meet and just know instantly that

they are someone very special. Zack is one of those

people. Hes gifted with a great sense of humor and a

generous spirit. I knew just a little about Zacks childhood

before reading this book. Through it, I learned that he has

had to overcome some pretty serious issues in his young


14/31

lifea broken family, feeling left out, insecurities, body

image problems and a younger sibling with intense needs.

While Zack very lightly touches on the emotional journey

of his life, its clear that the personal struggles hes faced

have had a strong influence on the young man he has

become. Zack's snarky, twisted, smart-assed, teenaged

view of the world and those around him is laugh-out-loud

funny. But this kid has great inner strengthso if you see

him around town holding a lemon, RUN!

Zacks Cougar Girlfriend, Wendy


15/31

CONTENTS

The Foreword to the Foreword / Foreword ....ix

..................................................Introduction! 2..................Zig Zagging My Way to Heaven! 5


16/31

Introduction

My name is Zack. (And yes, I know I look like a

lesbian.) My names plain and simple; and spelled with a

K, so get it right. I live a pretty eccentric life. At times

its hectic, at others its unpredictable, and sometimes it

can be pretty damn depressing. But luckily I was blessedwith a sick sense of humor to keep myself from jumping

out the window of a multi-floored building.

I have not spent my days like most teenagers have. Most

teenagers are out dry-humping each other leading to

zack

2


17/31

unexpected pregnancies, babies, and other responsibilities

that I do not want to see any time soon. Including

marriage. Dont believe me? Turn on MTV. Theyve

decided to make television-gold out of it. Its a show they

call Teen Momwith dads that no nothing about real

commitment and the moms that beat them; and then go to

rehab.

My great-grandma Tammy likes to share her wordsof wisdom with me on occasion in hopes of keeping me

from ending up on a show like that. I wish I could say that

she was witty enough to have come up with them on her

own, but theyre just a lot of one-liners that she

incorrectly scribbled down on scraps of paper after seeing

them on one of her pirated DVDs. She once made me a

little booklet of all these quotes. She told me to hold on to

it and never lose it. (I havent seen it in about two years.)

One of the quotes is the ever-so-common lemons quote:

WHENLIFEHANDSYOULEMONS,MAKELEMONADE.

Tammy told me to not only produce lemonade, but to

manufacture smoothies, and lemon-drop candies, and

lemon meringue pie. I decided that stuffing my fat face

with lemon-flavored pastries was not the way to go.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Throw Them At People!

3


18/31

Why be selfish and make lemonade, when I can have fun

with the lemons and throw them at all the jackasses Life

has crudely thrust in my adventures of what old people

like to refer to as growing up.

zack

4


19/31

CHAPTER 1

ZigZaggingMyWaytoHeaven

When Life Hands You Lemons, Seek Out Jesus Christ!

JUNE 15, 1993 was the day my mother popped out the

greatest gift to this planet: ME! Now, dont think that

because I write that, Im a narcissistic brat. Im much

more than that. I also happen have a very intelligent

buttocks. Or so Im told. I like to categorize myself as the

epitome of everything you would expect a teenager to be

in every possible way. However, I am also a clear



5


20/31

personification of what teenagers can accomplish, given

the right motivation. Or, as in my case, the lack of

motivation. Dont get me wrong, my family is an

excellent support team and always has been. However,

them getting me motivated enough to do something was

the exact opposite. Ive pretty much always been the one

to call the shots in my life. And with every shot I made,

my family was always there cheering me on while

running from the bullets I was firing off.I was a baby on a mission. Since the day I was

born, God said Youre going to bring laughter to this

world. And man was God right. Right? I mean, you

bought this book because you want to laugh, not because

you care about my absurdly ridiculous life. Anyway, I

thought this book would be great if I started it off with the

time I found Jesus Christ in my backyard. Yep, the Son of

God, Himself. If Im going to let Him star in this book, he

should at least get the only part of it youre likely to read.

My grandfather (who I will name Grandpa Church)

convinced me there was buried treasure hidden in my

backyard. We would always go outside and look for thisrumored treasure. Id grab my toilet paper roll telescope

and hed grab a beer and wed set off on yet another

garden voyage.

I wish I could say we actually found something

worth the big bucks, but all I ever found were treasonable

zack

6


21/31

tiny blue rocks that I thought were magical and rare

enough to only be hidden within the setting of my

backyard. Turns out they were from a fish tank and the

reason they were hidden all over the yard was due to the

fact that my father set my auntie Jennas car on fire and all

the rocks were blown around. Sometimes, however,

Grandpa Church would buy fake jewels and spread them

around the yard. I, however, was too fascinated by theshiny Budweiser beer bottle caps. They just seemed more

treasonable to me.

One morning, I decided to take my little three-year-old

butt outside and I was determined to find gold. Or maybe

even a valuable pog that I could trade with the street kids,

who I referred to as street rats; a term I discovered

while watching Disneys Aladdin. My grandpa thought

itd be funny to have me call everyone a street rat. Even

my mother.

But this time, I found something even more

prominent. It was a keepsake that I was certain would

save me for the rest of my life. I grabbed it, crunched intomy little hand, and scurried inside. I ran in the backdoor

and into the kitchen to find my grandma making dinner.

She was cooking her ever-so-famous weenies-and-

potatoes dish. Its nothing fancy. But Id be lying if I said

it wasnt our favorite dish of hers. Even to this day.



7


22/31

Whod have thought that something so simple would be

so satisfying.

What do you have there, my grandma asked as

she gave her red locks an extra boost of Suave hairspray,

while bumping to Earth, Wind, and Fire.

A pictchur-r, I replied innocently.

A picture? Of what, my little darling?

Jesus, I said.

Jesus? Really? Let me see it.Here Gramma Red, I muttered.

Her eyes widened bigger than her hair as she

unscrambled the wrapper to find that Jesus Christ was

actually the Zig Zag man.

Growing up Catholic, I was taught to always treasure

Jesus because He died on the cross for our sins. And

leaving the picture outside might make baby Jesus cry.

On my first day of first grade, I brought a Star

Wars folder to class and my teacher was horrified.

No, no, no, Zachary. You cannot bring this to

school. You see, this folder, it its going to make baby

Jesus cry, she said as she pointed toward the ceiling. Shemust have been smoking something because to this day I

have not been able to find baby Jesus up there.

I looked at her blank-faced. Baby Jesus died.

She looked as if she was ready to pass out. What?

Did no one tell her Jesus grew up and is no longer alive?

zack

8


23/31

Someone needs to go to Confession for not reading her

bible.

Peter-r-r-r, Grandma Red yelled, calling my young

father.

What, Ma?

Why does your son have this?! Where did he get

it from?Thats not mine, Ma. Thats the neighbors.

Theyre always smoking out back in their yard. Theyre

Asian. What do ya expect?

Your son thought he found a picture of Jesus.

Why was Grandma Red yelling about my picture of

Jesus, I thought. Maybe we were going Jewish.

I was always a very independent child. At age five I

would call up Grandma Red and be like, Okay, Grandma,

youre gonna pick me up no later than eleven on Saturday,

then we need to hit the mall because I have a lot of

Christmas shopping to still get done. Then we can go to

the movies. Final Destination is out and I need you totake me because its rated R and I cant get in to a rated-R

movie without an adult. Then we can order pizza and

watch Courage the Cowardly Dog all night. Theres a

marathon. To which shed usually follow up with a,

Okay, my little darling. See you then!



9


24/31

They just listened to me. And when they didnt,

like Grandpa Healthy, then wed go full force into World

War III. And you dont wanna challenge me in an

argument. Im alway right. I think Grandpa Healthy is

where I get my stubborn, assertive, Im-the-boss attitude.

Which, technically, is a very important attribute. I mean,

if you can argue your way out of anything, then, like me,

youll never be in trouble. Orlike meyoull always

end up getting yourself in to some sort of trouble; towhich Ill usually talk my way to innocence. Its called

being a Boss. With a capital B. I mean, just look at

Jesus. Hes a Boss. Everybody listened to Him. They still

do. You go, Jesus!

zack

10


25/31

Im off to find me some buried treasure!

Thats Grandma Red in the back, and me in the middle.



11


26/31


27/31

Also available for Amazon Kindle

MORE FROM ZACK


28/31

Iknowthattherearethingsthathaveneverbeenfunny,andneverwillbe.AndIknowthatridiculemaybeashield,butitisnotaweapon.

-DorothyParker


29/31

WhenLifeHandsYouLemons...ThrowThemAtPeople!

writtenbyzack

ONSALEJULY24,2012!

ForupdatesandexclusiveFirstLooks

visit:

www.justplainzack.com

OR

http://www.LifesSourLemons.tumblr.com
http://lifessourlemons.tumblr.com/http://lifessourlemons.tumblr.com/http://lifessourlemons.tumblr.com/http://www.justplainzack.com/http://www.justplainzack.com/


30/31


31/31

when life hands you lemons. . . throw them at people! 'first look: chapter 1

Documents