Why can’t you say “�O”?

I work with so many overly-busy women who are stressed beyond belief, yet they still find it

difficult to say “no” to the demands that come to them from all sides. Even when they are given

permission, or even urged to say no to these demands by friends, family or managers, they still find

it almost impossible to open their mouths and let this sound come out.

Why is this? Well, here’s one possible reason.

Fear of hurting the other person or being seen as “bad” or

“selfish”:

I have noticed that people who are afraid of saying “no” are

often also people who find it difficult to hear “no,” experiencing

it as rejection of their person or the belittling of their request or

taste.

So, they naturally assume that the other person will hear

“no” in the same way.

Here are some tips to feeling comfortable with hearing that dreaded word: “no” often means

“not now,” or “I have another commitment/emergency that I must handle at this time,” or “I don’t

like that particular event/food/whatever – but I like you just fine.” It can also mean, “I wouldn’t

spend time with you/do that for you if you were the last person on earth.” However, why not wait

for more evidence before you assume that is the real meaning?

Don’t assume the “no” you hear is permanent; the same request made at another time might

well bring a “yes.”

When you need to use the word (and you should), here are some guidelines:

Don’t assume the other person is as sensitive as you are about the situation. Do assume the other

person is a mature adult who can tolerate the small frustration of hearing “no,” especially if the

situation is made clear.

Say “no” to the request clearly, unemotionally, and, if possible, give the real reason. “I’m exhausted

and really need to go to bed early. I’d love to spend some time with you when I can really relax and

enjoy your company, but this just isn’t the time.”

Don’t give phony excuses – pleading a sprained ankle on which you can’t put weight will make you

feel really foolish if you’re caught standing firmly on it at the local pizza parlor. “My grandmother

is very sick and I must visit her” has been used too many times by pretenders to hold up without

real evidence, and being found gleefully shopping later on not only undermines your honesty but

also casts doubt on your ability to care about other people. When caught out in the lie, you’ll not

only look foolish but the other person will feel hurt and irritated. It can be a relationship-ending

move.

As for thinking you are selfish for saying “no”: Do remember, saying “no” can be a way of

protecting your commitment to promises you have already made – to loved ones, to co-workers, or

to clients … or even to yourself.

It has been said that “you can’t say ‘yes’ until you can say ‘no.’” When you agree, reluctantly,

to do something or be somewhere when you’d really rather not, your mind will wander, your facial

expression and your body will covertly signal that you are not there wholeheartedly. Do you think

the other person doesn’t notice this?

Once people recognize you are willing to say “no” to things that don’t fit your agenda or your

tastes, they will be secure in the knowledge that when you say “yes” it is really deeply sincere.

What a compliment to the other person! Instead of coming across as selfish, you are establishing

yourself as an honorable person, one who can be depended upon – in fact, a person of integrity.

Doesn’t that feel good?

Lynette Crane, M.A.(Psychology) and Certified Life Coach,is a Minneapolis-based speaker, writer,

and coach. She has more than 30 years' experience in the field of stress management. She currently

works to provide stress and time pressure solutions to harried women, those women who seek

"Islands of Peace" in their overly-busy lives. Her talks to groups of what she calls "harried women"

are receiving rave reviews. Visit her website at http://www.creativelifechanges.com/ to see more in-

depth articles and to view her programs.