why do so many middle-aged men feel so lost? - telegraph€¦ · why do so many middle-aged men...

Why do so many middle-aged men feel so lost?

Caught between baby-boomers and Generation Y, today’s middle-aged menincreasingly see themselves as lost souls. Lucy Cavendish lends an ear

'I am surplus to society’s requirement, like one of those lone male deer that performs no function at all' Photo:Alamy

By Lucy Cavendish

7:00AM GMT 27 Feb 2015

I am sitting by the swimming pool at the Canyon Ranch resort in Tucson, Arizona, only itis not really a resort, it is a fitness/wellness/life-enhancing centre where people who are verystressed come to detox and, as I am discovering, “find” themselves. But this resort is notbrimming with stressed-out women, worn thin and ragged by juggling motherhood, wifedomand being the heads of companies. No. The classes here are full of men – men with great bigidentity issues.

There is 45-year-old Lee, who has just “gotten divorced” and has, in the course of a month,slept with 15 women. “I don’t see myself as that type of man,” he says, “but I feel so lonelyand I don’t know what to do with my life.” There is Ryan, aged 53, who has never marriedand is in crisis about why he hasn’t. Then there is Steve, 49, a travel agent, long-time

Why do so many middle-‐aged men feel so lost? -‐ Telegraph http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-‐health/1...

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married, who has hit a midlife crisis. He says he really does want to buy a Harley-Davidsonand head off down Route 66. “Is that wrong?” he asks. “I just don’t know what I want in mylife anymore.”

They are all part of a “sandwich generation”: they sit between the baby boomers and thedigital natives. And they are a group who have, according to recent statistics, lost their way.The Samaritans Suicide Statistics Report for 2014 shows that men aged 40-44 are thedemographic group with the highest rate of suicide, nearly four times that of women thesame age; for those aged 45-54, the rate is roughly three times higher for men than women.New data from the Office of National Statistics confirm those findings. And although thestatistics aren’t always straightforward (there may be under-reporting of female suicides),things aren’t getting better: while the male rate fell for most of the past decade, since 2012 ithas been back on the rise.

In the Samaritans report about the data, Professor Rory O’Connor, then the head of thesuicidal behaviour research group at Stirling University, said that the focus had shiftedover recent decades from younger men being more at risk of suicide to middle-aged men.

“Men currently in their midyears are caught between their traditional silent, strong andaustere fathers who went to work and provided for their families, and the more progressive,open and individualistic generation of their sons. They do not know which of these two verydifferent ways of life and masculine culture they should follow.”

The pressure to live up to what the report describes as a “masculine ‘gold standard’ whichprizes power, control and invincibility” can turn personal troubles such as losing a job into acrisis in a way that it might not for women. The sense of suffering “defeat as a man” can bemore acute in middle age, when the responsibilities are greatest.

The result? Men of this generation are in crisis. We often focus on teenage boys and theirproblems, ranging from depression to delinquency, or on women and their role in society,from young and single to working mother to stay-at-home woman. Yet we rarely look at therole of men, especially middle-aged men – and the problem does not only apply to those whohave suffered from the familiar seismic shifts in their lives, such as divorce or the loss of ajob.


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As my friend Tom, a counsellor, says, “Whereas women stride forwards and get themselvestogether, [in general] men just don’t do that. They like things to remain as they were. Theydon’t like change. They like women to support them, really, so they are emotionally orspiritually or physically lazy. Some are all three and this laziness is very prevalent in thesandwich generation men, and it often leaves them lost, lonely and drifting towards anuncertain future when they should be at an age whereby everything is settled.”

Obviously not all men are like this, but there does seem to be a preponderance of men overthe age of 45 who feel as if they are on the scrap-heap. Take this as an example: a few weeksago I was at a friend’s 50th birthday party. It was great fun but most of the men I talked towere in some form of meltdown. One of them – never married, no kids – hadn’t had a job forthe past five years and was working unpaid as a carer. It occurred to me that, for a man aged52, this was quite an odd situation to be in, no wife or kids or money or even a house to callhis own. I asked if he was happy about this. He shook his head vehemently.

“Not at all,” he said. He then explained that “it” just hadn’t happened for him. Girlfriendshad come and gone. He had found it hard to commit – and not just, as the cliché goes, in hisrelationships. He had flitted from one job to another, never quite finding the “thing” hewanted to do. He had worked for a bank but never felt he fitted in. So he had left that job andretrained as a landscape gardener, and that hadn’t suited him either, although he had liked theoutdoors element of it. This became a pattern, a shifting life with seemingly no purpose.

“I feel I am lost now,” he said, “and it’s too late to change things. I am surplus to society’srequirement, like one of those lone male deer that performs no function at all and gets forcedfrom the herd because of it.”


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After him I bumped into more men, all seemingly versions of the same. The divorced oneswere all miserable, most of them lamenting the terrible downturn their lives had taken – nohouse (gone to the ex), no kids (gone to the ex), no future (what’s the point?).

A friend of mine, Henry, 50, who divorced seven years ago, considers himself as part of agroup he refers to as “remaindered men”. “It is the sense that we colluded in the process ofmaking ourselves surplus to requirement,” he explains. “We married capable women whotook over every aspect of life. They ran the household, the children, the social life. For awhile it seems a good meal ticket to be on, but in the end the horrible logic of the processresults in us being without any kind of a role at all and not much self-confidence to findanother one within the existing framework.

“We are caught between the old model of being the breadwinner and the new model of beingthe co-washer-upper and feeder, and the truth is we never really mastered either of these roles– old or new – and this has led to a profound sense of crisis in men. Unless you really areable to look back at what happened, you can’t move on.

“The immediate reaction to divorce is to sink into a slump of despair, but then you turn into ateenager again – it’s the false paradise of endless encounters with new women. Men lost theirway when they stopped going out and killing the food or bringing in the bacon. I feel mygeneration of men inhabit a place that I call neutered uselessness. We are reactive rather thanproactive. Many of us have lost our self-confidence and self-respect, and become insular andinward-looking.”

It is certainly true that changes in the economy in recent decades, with a shift away frommanufacturing, have removed a source of male pride, identity and companionship. And


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psychological studies (such as a 2013 survey of 10,000 people published in the journalEconomica which examined the way in which we adjust to new circumstances) show thatwomen are better able to adjust in the wake of a major life change. In divorce, for instance,women typically come out marginally happier even though they often suffer a biggerfinancial hit; the Economica survey showed that men tend to be especially badly knockedby unemployment, an effect that persists for up to five years.

Sebastian Morley, a former commander in the SAS who has seen tours in Northern Ireland,Iraq and Afghanistan, agrees that men have lost their way. “I find them hard to deal with,” hesays. “They are either super-competitive or massively defeatist.”

He runs courses for women at The Camp, a weight-loss and fitness boot camp based inScotland. “I find women are motivated, eager, easy to deal with and naturally empathetictowards each other,” Morley says. “There is a spirit that exists between women that reallykicks in when they are in difficulties. They help each other and they are also more willingand able to talk about their hopes and fears. This is why women can change their livesaround – they have that mutable ability to do what is best for them and their families.”

He did consider doing a similar course for men but decided against it. “I have seen how menreact to each other. They cannot pull together. They can be very aggressive in trying to outdoeach other. It makes them impossible to work with.”

I spent a week with Morley and his right-hand man, Dale House, a former marine who isyoung, super-fit and handsome. For House, married and a step-parent, life is quite simple:


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being a man means to work and provide as well as being supportive to his partner. On theone hand he is a Real Man (very strong on boundaries, earns money); on the other, he istouchy-feely. His wife also works and he is supportive towards her and their daughter.

“I see myself as a traditional man really,” he says. “I am focused on what I want. I lay downthe rules but they are thoughtful ones. I love and support my partner and her daughter, whomI consider as my own, and I think our family functions very well because of this. I am veryclear in my expectations but I am very warm.” He agrees that many men today are “lost”,and believes “they need a stint in the Army following rules and discipline and turning in toproper men”.

But is it as simple as that? The younger generation seems to have become more metrosexual.They cook, clean and take care of their children. They use grooming products and wax theirbits and are far more “feminised” than the 40-plus-something men I am meeting: since 2013,sales of male-specific toiletries have surpassed shaving products.

So are the middle-aged men I meet part of a lost generation? Too old for male manicures andtoo young to be the breadwinner, the Real Man laying down the law with a wife at home whofixes them a G&T when they get back from work?

Terry Real, a psychologist and the author of How Can I Get Through to You?Reconnecting Men and Women, thinks the time has come for men to readjust their sights.Our culture’s masculine code, he says, dictates that “men don’t need relationships, men don’tneed to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt”.

The answer, Real says, is to understand and then reject that old, outdated part of themasculine code, which gave a sense of entitlement, a sense that men can “go home, rip openour belts, pop open a beer, belch and be loved. We just don’t get away with that anymore.”

As for Henry, he has hope. He has recently found a job, has a new partner and has come offthe dole. “It’s a start,” he says. “You’ve got to start somewhere, haven’t you? Even whenyou’re 50.”

Those seeking help or advice can contact Samaritans at any time by calling 08457 90 90 90or emailing [email protected]

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