wild dogs and nutters part 1- england to iran.pdf

7/27/2019 Wild Dogs and Nutters Part 1- England to Iran.pdf

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Wild Dogs And Nutters

Part 1 - England to Iran

copyright 2013 by Joie de Vivre World

Joie de Vivre Edition

Also by Joie de Vivre World

Adventuring For The Common !n Tr!vel "eries#

The $og%s &olloc's

Feel (ood &evolution "eries#

Are )ou F***ed +n The ,e!d-

This book is free - you can use it in anyway you see fit - post excerpts (or the whole thing if

you want) on your website, blog, message board, or anywhere else - send it to anyone you feel

would love to read it or print it out and stick it all over your naked body and run around [insert your

home town] as a human bill board, so long as you do not alter the content or claim it as your own

work !t isn"t essential but if you have time it would be great if you could let us know where you

have used it by emailing us

#h and we keep the rights to bind and sell it in book form as well as the film rights (well,

you"ve got to think positive)

Th!n's . !r' / !ur!

Table Of Contents

Thanks and $reface

%hapter & - 'ngland - uiness and orld *ecords

%hapter + - rance - alling at the irst urdle

%hapter . - ermany - Tandeming in the Teutonics

%hapter / - 0ustria 1 2lovakia - 2leeping with the 3ead

%hapter 4 - ungary - 0 *ifle 5utt in the 2pokes

%hapter 6 - *omania - #ld its and 7ampires

%hapter 8 - 5ulgaria - orld %up 2tops $lay

%hapter 9 - Turkey - 0 easel in the orks

:oie de 7ivre orld

Thanks

Thanks to the all the great unwashed who had the pleasure of meeting us and playing a part in

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our ;uixotic 'xploits, however small and insignificant that part may have been ithout you all

The trip would never have been possible if you hadn<t made up in numbers what we lacked in the

trouser department, having only the one pair between us



!n case you<re wondering, =ark was the pie

**

Preface

This >ourney was undertaken in a time without mobile phones, without the !nternet, without

digital cameras and wireless connections ithout blue tooth and denture whitening, skype, hypeand lipo-suction !n a time when a blackberry was a fruit, an 0pple a vegetable and a nasty rash and

boils, incurable !ndeed without the aid of most of the critical inventions of the past &4 years That

such a monumental odyssey was possible at all in such primitive times may be the cause of disbelief

in some younger readers still trapped in the excessive masturbation years - but it has to be

remembered that we were purveyors of #ld 2kool 0dventuring where ,when teetering on the edge

of a .???ft precipice pursued by yetis and the inland revenue, you had to rely on your own metal

rather than call up 5uck *ogers or the =ountain rescue on your i$hone 2teel belted underpants

were the order of the day True, we still regularly soiled ourselves (in fear mostly) but at least there

was no unseemly seepage to betray us

****

Chapter 1 England - uiness ! World "ecords0 wave of a hundred years of fags, chip grease and bullshit stung the nostrils as the door

swung back hard, taking another bit of the wall with it !nside, the vomit-inducing carpet swirled its

way among the arse-numbing chairs, stopping short of the bar by about three feet, >ust enough to

ensure that a full runway of sticky beer could encircle the tongue and groove barrier between punter

and barman

The 2lug 1 @eotard, our local, (well, one of several Alocals<) stood for everything we intended

to escape from over the next year and a halfB crap beer, crap food, crap conversation and crap ridaynights (and even crapper 2aturday mornings) Tonight however, was our official leaving do and if

we were to succumb to one last reat 5ritish, (sorry !rish) $ub drubbing then we were going to go

down heroically, drinking way more than we could handle and reducing ourselves from the fine,

upstanding, homosapheads that we were to a dribbling human slurry with the coordination and

conversational skills of a =ongol >ellyfish operating a bandsaw

C0nd have one yourself, 5illD

0 tenner floated onto the soggy bar towel 5ill the 5arman, or "2weaty 5ill" as he was fondly

known, put down the cloth he<d been wiping the pickle >ars with and picked it up The row of

pickles now stood no less disarranged and no cleaner either, as 5ill<s fingerprints covered the glass



and obscured their already greying labels

CEo thanks, @aura, touch of dodgy guts ! think it<s the all 5ismarck herrings and sauerkrautD

Chy are you eating all that Teutonic toss anyway, you<re not erman are youF Eot with a

name like 5ill =andy, that doesn<t sound a bit erman to meD

C<0ppen that sounds a bit gay does thatD =urph offered0 =exican wave of wanking actions ran through the pub !t was an old >oke and only raised a

titter really, and the odd eyebrow, and the even odder letter to the brewery by a mad old bag in the

corner eeking out half a stout and a packet of pork scratchings 5ut it was tradition and that<s what

The 2lug 1 @eotard stood for G traditional 0nglo-!rish pub culture

C0 Eortherner down 2outh - now that"s a bit gayHD

=urphy, our best friend and cycling buddy of many a year took his face out of his uinness

long enough to reply,

C<=ebe, but ! comes from t< $eoples *epublic of Iorkshire Iou lot down here need passport

t< visitD

C$iss off, =urphy, your dad was born in @ancasterHD =ark reminded him

C0y, but we don<t talk about it now we lives over border in 5entham, took twenty year to be

accepted as was Iou"se would never be accepted - half !rish, half, what was it - 5asketFD

J5asKue, you dufferHJ

! >oined this riveting conversation C2o what does that make me seeing as !"m half !rish as well

- in fact we must beDCThe shortest wankers in historyFD :ohn haLarded a guess :ohn was in the same age bracket

as us, +/-+M, but had been educated at public school and it showed To be fair we had too, but =ark

had been asked to leave after a misunderstanding with a box of matches and the school chapel, and

had then spent the rest of his education oscillating between comprehensives and pseduo-grammar

schools, while ! oscillated between morose and dyspeptically comatose

C=aybe, but we<ll soon be the shortest wankers in the uinness 5ook of *ecordsD

Jow are you going to fund this poor man"s rand Tour anywayF !t must be costing a few

KuidFJ

JTrue, we"re not exactly flush with cash, but we"ve been saving up on the ;T and we"ve

resigned ourselves to selling %oati =undiJ

JIou mean that rotting hulk you two spent three years pissing about with in that boatyardFJ

=ark had indeed bought me a "rotting hulk" as :ohn described it three years ago as a "surprise"

birthday present and we had rebuilt it from the ground up into a .? ft 5roads %ruiser cum luxury

houseboat - or that"s how we saw it Eow however, needs must and all that - we were forced to sell

it to part fund the trip - and in truth we were bored with it being modern kids with the attention span

of a cocker spaniel



:ohn took a sip of %ampari, C ! reckon you two should form yourself into a company,

A@ondon to 2ydney Tandems<, you could list yourselves on the markets G !<d invest in you, after all,

my other investments are all hopeless causesD

C5ut this one wouldn<t be,D ! butted in, Cbecause we are going to get there %Te!m "ydney% will

whip across 'uropeNDCest and 'astOD =ark inter>ected

CIep, est and 'ast, then through !ran and $akistanNor !ndia and one of the A2tans<ND

Cet realH Iou are going to 3!'HD This time it was :ohn interrupting

C$iss offH Then %hina, =alaysia, ThailandND

=ark coughed, CThailand then =alaysiaD

ChateverH 3etails, detailsHD ! was on a roll, CThen !ndonesia, fly across to 0ustralia, cycle

down the centre and hey presto, eighteen months later we roll into 2ydney for my birthday :ob

doneHD

O'urope at that time was divided into est 'urope (ermany 1 rance) and 'ast 'urope

('veryone else)

C0y, mebeD (=urphy<s bosses had once had a secret bet to see how many times he said

A<appen< and Amebe< in a meeting, but they had lost count and interest long before the coffee

arrived) C=ight have a tad o< bother in imalayas like, tandems aren<t much designed to go uphill

and they<re Kuite high, int theyFD

Chat training have you actually done for this thenFD :ohn askedCell, we did that 0udax last monthD =ark defended

Chat<s that thenFD 5ill<s stomach lent across the bar, ears flapping Can 0udax - !sn"t that

some kind of goat-thing !"m sure *ichard 0tenborough did a program onhang on now ! think of

it, ! think it was actually some kind of pigeon, or treeFD

! tutted at his ignorance of all things sporting C0n 0udax, !t<s a non-stop long distance kind of

cycle raceNbut you<re not allowed to go above a certain speed and there<s er, no real winner, you

>ust have to finish the distance in a set timeD

C0nd did they have a special category for midgetsFD :ohn enKuired, C5ecause it<d be unfair

otherwise, what with your stumpy little legsD

! ignored him, for the moment CThe thing was they<d purposely made the route go over as

many hills as they could and they were all really steep bastardsD

C0nd really high, like the 0lps or imalayasFD :ohn inKuired innocently

Cell not KuiteD =ark confessed, Cbut =urphy<s right, tandems struggle up hills, it puts huge

amounts of strain on the chains and cranks =urph and ! managed to break a crank on t< tandem last

month, didn<t we =urphFD

C<0ppenHD



:ohn held up his hand, Could someone once and for all explain to me whether that means

yes or no in the strange dialect =urph speaks

C!t means yes 3oesn<t it, =urphyFD

C=ebeD

:ohn threw a beer mat at him C2o you finished this 0utistic thing in timeFDCell, when we finally got to the finishing line, everyone had packed up and gone homeD

Creat, that sounds like you<ll have no problems over a few little mountainsD

2arcastic public school gitH

C3id you do anymoreFD he goaded

CEot exactly but we did borrow =urphy<s tandem and do some training in 5elgiumNwell

sort of trainingD

:ohn turned to =urphy, C! didn<t know you had a tandem as well =ind you ! should have

guessed, being a flat capD

C0nd he<s got a >ack *ussell and lives in a caveD ! added helpfully

C0h, dat<ll be yer man =urphy, you<re tarkin< about derD

The new arrival was 3ermottO, a genuine leprechaun, through and through, content to be the

stereotypical, drunken paddy of folklore and to be fair, he did a good >ob, almost being

indistinguishable from the real thing (he even had a pig under his arm) e shared a flat with him

and most of !reland round the corner

*pronounced dermott rhymes ith ott C2o ye wents to 5elgium to practice for getting< over de imalayas, did yeF =any big

mountains are dere in 5elgiumFD

C$iss offHD ! greeted, C0nyway it was >ust as well there weren<t as =urph<s tandem was made

from cast iron in the &M.?<s and weighs more than 5illD ! turned to the bar CEo offenceD

CEone takenD 5ill smiled, his shirt front now sodden and completely opaKue from the bar top

beer lake he leant in

C0ye,D =urph pulled himself out of his pint long enough to speak, C 0nd they failed t<

mention that they<d never ridden tandem beforeD

CTrueHD ! owned up, Ce did forget to mention that to you =urphy, but then you might not

have lent it to us Eow shut up 3ermott $oint is :ohn, e set off in the rush hour with no idea how

to ride the thing, but every idea how to fall off - mostly infront of irate drivers trying to get to work

0part from that it was plain sailing - @aura on pain killers on day one, crashed on day two,

pneumonia on day three, fucked the bike and ourselves totally by day four

3ermott stopped spilling his pint long enough to speak, C2o how comes yer goin< around de

world now after such a giant cock-upFD

C#h, because we<re craLy-arsed danger merchants- that and fucking stupidH The minute we



got back we started looking to buy our own tandem, preferably one that weighed less than the orth

bridge and you could actually stop downhillHD

=urph laughed mid-pint, taking most of it up his nose and back out again into the glass G no

wastageH

C! forgot t< mention that it don<t stop on downhill, especially in wet likeDCell how de fuck is dat gonna work in de imalayas den - you"re going to dieHFD 3ermott

demanded

C 5ecause we<ve bought one that does, 5rain of 5ritainHD =ark retorted

C0ll this fuss about the ima-bloody-layas, it<s >ust a bunch of sodding rocksHD :ohn

interrupted, not being one much for nature

C!t<s only the tallest bloody bunch of rocks on the friggin< planet and it<d better go uphill and

stop downhill as we<re going over the highest road pass in the worldD

C3at sounds a bit hair-brainedD 3ermott sniggered

Cell, when you are the Ping and ;ueen of mad-arsed plans, that probably makes senseD

=ark replied, making no sense and liberally spilling his pint of cider onto his cream chinos and

striped blue shirt, worn casually as befitted a man about pub This was partly due to being unable to

hold his drink, literally, but also due to all the rabies, tetanus, yellow swamp fever and sheep tick

>abs that had been introduced into our bloodstreams for the forthcoming

! took over the baton as =ark and =urph was noisily engaged in trying to suck the cider off

his shirt aste not, want not being our credoQ but then, we had a lot of credosC'xactly, we intend to follow in the footsteps of the great explorers, such as N such asND

! elbowed =ark

C#h yeah, $hileus ogg and that other geeLer with the silly nameD

'ven though ! had been with =ark since before ! could remember, sometimes ! mostly had

no clue what he was on about

C$hileus oggF asn<t he a fictional characterFD

=ark<s grasp of the difference between fiction and reality was always tenuous at best

C%ould be, but those curly things that look like prawn crackers with lemon grass go down a

treat with cider ! wonder if 5ill<s got anyFD

=ark stood up and turned to the bar, leaving me in an exposed position, conversationally

speaking - the bastardH

:ohn parried first Chat bloke with a silly nameF ordon RolaFD

=urphy, uncharacteristically, stirred into life, C *ick 2hawFD

This scintillating repartee was too much for them as they disintegrated into fits of alcohol-

induced merriment, followed by high-fivesQ but they can be tricky to master with five pints of

rancid hops sloshing around your escutcheon canals as :ohn and =urphy found, missing palms a



few times and looking like right twats

Chat a pair of right twatsHD said =ark returning minus his desired snack, Ce only had three

flavours of crisps and one of them was out of date That old bird in the corner has eaten all the

scratchings, greedy cowD

C! was >ust telling them about the great explorers we are going to emulateD ! lied >ust a little,Cho are they again, you know the guy with the silly name and, and the other oneFD

C@awrence of 0rabia and %live of !ndiaD =ark obliged, obviously the trip to the bar having

refreshed his memory

CThat<s not really a silly bloody name is itFD :ohn complained, C! mean, 2odol exetol, that<s

a stupid nameD

Cell if you were called :ohn of ounslow, or =urphy was called =urphy of =aidenheadND

The thought of =urphy<s maidenhead was too much for :ohn and he collapsed into another fit

of giggles

Cave riday nights always been this crapFD ! asked 5ill as he crunched his way past

CEoHD he replied with unexpected vigour, CThey used to be a lot worse before 3ermott had

that great idea of bring-your-own music nightsD

0s if on cue the entire remaining ex-pat !rish community shambled through the doors,

distressingly, most of them were afflicted with some sort of aelic instrument of musical torture

=y pithy and frankly hilarious reply was drowned out as the "band" lost no time in tuning up - a

complete waste of time as what usually followed was indistinguishable and less musical 0fter ashaky start, they congealed into an amorphous lump of strumming, hitting, blowing and scraping

The formula was always the sameB one of them would tentatively start off murdering a well-known

!rish ballad and slowly the others would >oin in once they<d worked out which of the five it was and

help kick it to death 5y the time more dripping pints were set down among the empties with no

attempt made to clear them away, ields of 0thenry was being dutifully butchered, which is what it

deserved, in our opinion

Taking a sip of his sixth uinness and trying to make it look like it was his eighth, =urphy

shouted above the cacophony,

Cucking great song int itHD

C0maLingHD 5ill volunteered from the bar

Cucking depressingD =ark yelled back,

Chat the fuck is itFD :ohn swayed imperceptibly before half stepping from his stool,

C2ounds like the sort of thing you<d sing at the funeral of someone you<d murderedD

#ne thing =ark, :ohn and ! were united on was that folk music is a merciless virus, !rish folk

being a particularly virulent strain

C $lebHD =urphy<s eyes didn<t move from the musicians



! lobbed a handful of peanuts at him, a poor substitute for $hileus ogg<s finest

C0re you concentrating =urphyF e<re supposed to be talking about the trip Iou<re our link-

man, the lynch-pinH e need you to send on any emergency spares we might not be able to find

outside of 'urope !t<s a big responsibilityQ the whole success of the adventure could be down to

youH Iou<ll >ust have to give up booLe and ritual self-abuse until we returnQ what<s the point of usbeing in a dire emergency ten-thousand miles away and all you can do is dribble down the phone

and say, A<appen, mebe, someone crapped in me mouth<FD

:ohn shook his head Chat do you want to go through 0sia for anywayF hat do you expect

to discoverF The same shit as we<ve got here, that<s whatB >obs, rain, taxation, suicidally depressing

day time T7D

C3on<t be forgettin< the fucked-up infrastructureD 3ermott added, returning for a slurp of

peat

C0h, no 3ermottD :ohn corrected him, Cthat<s where you<re wrong actuallyH There is no

infrastructure in most of 0sia, everyone knows thatOD

*They%re prob!bly m!'ing the s!me 4o'e !bout Europe no!d!ys5

3ermott finished pouring most of his pint down his front and looked up

C0h, ye can<t go, ! >ust remembered they<re having a >elly wrestling contest in two weeks

timeO, are you up for it, although hang on, maybe you<ll be in =ongoliaHD

*The 4elly inv!ri!bly on

C=ight beHD ! retortedCEo girlsJ 3ermott continued Jexcept you of course @aura, you<re more of an honorary bloke

reallyD

! took this as the compliment it was meant to be (!<d set fire to him to him back at the flat

later)

The cider and uinness flowed, mostly all over the floor, the bar and =ark<s chinos again, but

this was riday night and the night was young yet with plenty of time for another half doLen

renditions of hisky in the bastard >ar and 5leedin< %hristmas in Eew Iork G it was only bloody

=ayH

owever the playing and singing that had seemed so unmelodic initially was now a >angling

mess of drunken one-upmusicianship ith all the musicality of a paddy of penguins on sprouts, the

pub rang with clapping, stomping and !rish fucking >igs, reels and *iverdance moves all up and

down the room,

Cet dat fuckin< dart out of 2ean<s eye will ye, 3ermottD someone shouted from the other

side of the pub during one of the merciful intervals when the players pissed out the beer they had

ingested to get pissed in the first place

The lads were on a mission now riday night had become 2aturday morning The non-



regulars shoo-ed out and the door bolted, 5ill set about removing glass and peanuts from his face

with a plastic fork, while 3ermott continued helping to remove his darts from various people

Things were starting to swim and sway The truth was, neither =ark nor ! could hold our

drink 3espite our !rish roots neither of us could get a pint of uinness down for all the untreated

sewage in the @iffy3ermott tacked back over as the peanuts flew, smacking him like a shower of peanuts thrown

by a drunken moron

C0re you sure riday nights haven<t always been this crapFD ! asked 5ill again as he kicked

his way through the debris littering the floor

C0bsolutelyHD

CuckH There must be moreHD

5ill paused, Cell, @aura, that<s why you<re off on this adventure, isn<t itFD

C0bsolutely 5ill, thanks for reminding usHD

5ill ambled back to the bar to pull some more pints, while =urphy, now near paralytic as he

was at this stage every riday night, started wailing 3irty #ld Town

A! met my girl by the factory wall

3irty #ld Town,

3irty #ld Town<

hatever unspeakable dangers, whatever life-threatening situations awaited us in the next

year and a half, life really could only improve*

The following morning we woke up - =e, =ark and =urph - all fully clothed (thank godH) in

=urph"s bed with a large cooking pot full of the remains of last night"s chilli =urph, unphased,

helped himself to some as, already dressed for work, he dragged himself to the door,

C5est o< luck folks, send us postcard from t<other side o< world :ammy bastardsH @et

yerselves out and take chilli will yerHD and he was gone

=ark and !, already dressed for coffee, lost no time in dragging ourselves to the nearest bean

>oint for we had one pressing matter to sort before we left these shores - well two actually - we had

no sponsorship and no wheels, the latter being a little more pressing

The trip as a whole had suffered a severe body blow dangerously late in the day, due to a

chicken-livered stab in the balls from the e had originally managed to mix up the

(orld ildlife und) and (orld ide restling ederation) who organise tag matches

where endangered species fight it out in the ringB the Sndertaker giving Iang Iang the panda the

smackdown in The %age is an experience not easily wiped from the memory or clothes The

however had turned turncoatB as we planned to machete our way through areas choked full of

endangered critters, they had originally deemed it a one-off opportunity to >ump in bed with Te!m



"ydney and ride the coat tails of the inevitable media maelstrom that would follow us across the

world ith panache and a uatemalan camera crew, we put together a short video promo kindly

narrated by the late *ichard 5riers while many other star celebrities of the time were crushed in the

rush not to endorse our endeavour

Snfortunately whereas we perceived our $an-lobal $anda-Picking !nternational profiles as apositive asset, at &&+.am on the riday before we were due to leave and after we had made all our

promo videos, etc, the entire staff had a psychotic episode and decided that we were in truth

the notorious Tamel Tiger Tandem Terroist TwinsO intent on putting the "endangered" back into

endangered-species and comprehensively announced that if we used their name in con>unction with

our now apparently infamous attempt to cross the world on a bicycle made entirely from the bones

and horns of endangered species, they would sue us to buggery, which seemed a slight overreaction

*All terroist n!mes illiter!te . it%s ! psychologic!l g!me inner5

e had put a huge amount of time and effort, (and a fair bit of our already stretched cash) into

this area of the trip and their lame-arse reason that given the sensitive areas we were going through,

they feared with such human powder kegs as us on the loose, an !nternational !ncident was only a

bear skin rug away ! mean, what exactly were they worried about G that we<d get to the olong

*eserve in %hina and barbecue a $andaF #r pass the #rang-utan 2anctuary in 2umatra and run up a

fetching orang-utan KuiltF =ind youN

Truth was, we were having trouble with our image in other Kuarters as well 3awes, the

makers of our tandem, had curtly informed us that they were not keen to get involved with Aroundthe world types<, which amaLed us $erhaps they had less confidence in their products than we didF

hich was a rather worrying thought as we were about to literally entrust our lives to it in the next

year and a half 5ut a pattern had been emerging 'ven before the 3awes incidents similar

=achiavellian machinations had been afoot The mountain bike people (not named for their own

shameO), had agreed to give us bikes, or not, or a tandem, or not, or come to our factory and help

yourselves, or maybenotF Then the guy we were Aarranging< things with mysteriously Aleft< the

company in a body bag and we were informed by the suited gorilla who replaced him that the deal

was off e began to wonder if we were the victims of a tandem slur campaign on the part of

envious rivalsB when you are at the top of your game, the old green-eyed what-do-you-call-it of

professional >ealousy is never far away 0t this rate, before approaching anyone else for

sponsorship, we<d have to get hold of a bell to warn them we were coming

*uddy Fo6

Thankfully two companies were capable of thinking outside of the boxO and bucked the trendB

Eokia and Parrimor Eokia offered us tyres, and as, in our opinion, they made the best natural

rubber products for road and bedroom use, we accepted with only one provisoB if they were

vulcanised, =ark wouldn<t have to wear those stupid pointy ears except for publicity shots



* A me!ningless e6pression but nevertheless h!ndy to drop into business meetings to loo' li'e !

'nob5

Parrimor came up trumps with two sets of base layer clothing, each with built in climactic

control, and a unisex opening allowing 'skimo-style copulation #n top of this, as they were trying

to get into the cycle market, they begged us to road test their set of top secret, prototype panniers Gthe cutting edge of carrier technologyH These capacious beauties (in, by chance, the same purple as

the tandemH) were heat welded together at the seams at temperatures approaching that of the surface

of the sun, thereby removing the need for stitching and making them entirely waterproof, to the

extent Parrimor boldly boasted, with the onbaord canoe-bag closure system, we could fill them full

of air and paddle the whole bastard shabang to 2ydney

'ven though one could hide @ord @ucan, 5ismarckO and #rson ells in >ust one of the

ginormous rear panniers, it was still a tight sKueeLe cramming in a year and a half <s worth of gear

for two people along with the shed load of associated tools and spares for the tandem, into the two

This left the front panniers to carry out the dual roles of housing enough food and water to see us

across vast areas of uninhabited deserts, swamps, polar ice caps and 5 roads Therefore, reducing

unnecessary weight and bulk was as crucial to the success of the =ission and our survival as 'lvis<

%omeback Tour was crucial to the future of modern marKuetry To this end, our tent, an old

2aunders :etpacker was pressed into service %apable of accommodating one adult or an

unspecified number of midgets not exceeding the whole integer, this was no problem for a

weekend<s bar mitLvah but a year and a half would either weld us togetherQ or we<d buy a biggerone #n the plus side, it only weighed &4 kg and we both figured we<d slim down after a month in

0sia what with the constant diahorrea and dysentery so en>oyed by 5rits abroad

*The b!ttleship not the politici!n

The other rather minor problem was that the indestructible, iron rimmed, monster wheels we

had ordered had failed to arrive despite repeated promises from the company building them for us

5espoke tandem wheels were not something one >ust picked up in oolworthsO, the problem being

off-road tandems really didn"t exist at this stage - we were as ever, pioneers - and with the extra

weight of two people on two wheels over the kind of rough, never-seen-tarmac-before trails we

were going to be cruising on, normal wheels would crumble in a matter of days

J2od thatH hen the going gets tough and all thatJ =ark rose magnificiently to the occasion

Jell, we haven"t really got going yet, have weFJ ! corrected

J@isten wench, if we don"t get on that bloody bike and get going right now, right this minute,

we"ll never get this adventure of the ground - we"ve been planning and provaricating for a year

nowHJ

Jang on, %aptain %odface, that"s my lineH J

J0greed then, bugger getting any more sponsorship and bugger the wheels - we"ll go with the



ones we"ve got and sort it out as we rollJ

e "yeeehaaaed" and made tracks

*A no de7unct dep!rtment store th!t stoc'ed indicrimin!te shite th!t inv!ri!bly bro'e be7ore you

got it home 7or less th!n ! penny . shopping he!ven8

*aving methodically packed four times and >ust as methodically unpacked it all again, it was

clear the mountain of guff and nonsense was on the road to 3oesn<treallyfitsville ! made an

executive decisionB

C*ight, shove the crap in anyhow and we<ll sort it out down in $ortsmouth tonightHD

Chy didn<t you say that an hour agoFD =ark demanded

0 crank extractor glanced off his helmet in reply G =ark had put in on >ust to prove that one

bit of kit fitted somewhere

e stood back to admire our handy work !t wasn<t Kuite as sleek and professional as might

have been desired, those billowing black bin bags on the rear rack smacked of amateurism, but the

chemical toilet strapped on top gave off all the wrong vibes =ark ran his hand along the top tube

Ce built you, you sexy bitch, better, stronger, faster and now we<re going to take you on the

trip of our dreamsD e turned to me, Chat are we going to call herF ! mean, she<s got to have a

name now were taking her on such a tripD

C! know, let<s call her the bike and if you refer to it as "her" again, ! will be forced to kill youD

Cair enough @et<s rideHDEever had a man been so manly as he slung a leg over the seat and onto the waiting pedalQ

:ohn ayne would have looked a right 2hirley next to =ark as he curled his lip, narrowed his eyes,

re-arranged his bollocks against the cool of the top tube and shouted

CEowHD

! kicked down with all my strength e were offH The pedal kicked back smartly into my calf

with a greater than eKual force of intent

C5uggery uckHD

C2odomy, that hurtHD

*

CThe one on the back<s not pedalling, mateHD came the cry for the third time This could get

nauseatingly dull, except soon they would be saying it in any number of biLarre languages so they

could shout CThe one on the back<s on fucking fire mateHD for all the notice we<d take

Two thirds of the way to $ortsmouth Te!m "ydney crumbled and abandoned the mis-matched

fight with excessive luggage and murderous traffic and with the resolve of a nematode, took the

train from *owlands %astle ow the fuck were we ever going to make 2ydneyHF



OOOO

Chapter # $rance - $alling at the $irst %urdleCuckHD

0 length of wet khaki nylon slapped me spitefully on the top of the head

Chere the hell are weFD

ace down, ! tried to ease myself up, leaving a long string of drool on a strange Kuilted

substance that engulfed me, threatening suffocation =ark spluttered into life

C%anvasF 2leeping bagF 3amp ache in the left bollockF e must be bloody campingHD he

gasped

C%ampingHD CThat means we did itHD This last bit didn<t actually get articulated, it was more

of an inner scream

5ut whereF *andom flashes of the last twenty four hours spermed in front of our eyesB

weaving in and out of rush hour traffic, the tandem weighed down with the gross manufacturing

output of a small country, the arsehole in the *ange *over shouting something about Tweedledee

and Tweedledum and the mortification of 'xpedition 2ydney collapsing on 3ay #ne without even

making $ortsmouth save for the crutch of 5ritish *ail Snable to go any further, we had boarded the

train, having cunningly disguised ourselves as itinerant urinary cake tasters to avoid being exposed

by the world<s press as the charlatans we were e comforted ourselves with the knowledge that

even though we could continue to fuck things up >ust as badly from now on, it would be hard to go

back and screw up any worse

The glut of luggage that had been responsible for us making only thirty of the fifty kilometres

was packed off and sent home in disgrace after more hours of insane deliberation about whose pants

to keep -=ark<s or mineF e settled on mine as we<d soon be sharing synovial fluid and saliva

anyway, so what was a little bit of cross-dressingF 0fter all this was no time to play the =ethodisthand #ur long time friends from the boatyard where we had "built" our .? ft 5roads %ruiser cum

houseboat which we were now unsentimentaly flogging, happily put us up on their swish yacht in

$ortsmouth =arina and swapped rooting through our stuff and discarding a random selection, for us

spending the evening, thirty foot up their wildly swaying mast, trying desperately to attach the

halyards without vomiting into each other<s hair

These haLy revelations however, left us none the wiser as to how we had ended up in a

tenuously erect tent somewhere outside of N@e avreF

0s we made to sit up, our heads knocked against something hard hanging from the

precariously low front pole of the tent - a wine box, silver bladder hanging out, tap ripped off



C#oopsH That probably did itHD

Cang on a minute, backtrack, @e avreF #h shit, we<re in fucking ranceHD

Cell there<s always a downside to any adventureD =ark conceded, Ce<ll >ust get through

this bit and move on to better thingsD

*=ore images from the previous day met with those already remembered to form a

kaleidoscope in the mind<s eiderdown Ieah, it was flooding back nowB a lack of dinner, we

remembered Eo food at all in fact Eo food because this was rance and rance was fucking well

shut despite our rolling into town at only 4.?pm %losed blinds and shut cafUs had given us a

riotous welcome as we rode every inch of the town aching for something to eat 0nd then the slight

altercation at the last supermarchU, nobody left but cleaning staff and a dodgy looking guy with a

limp who had sold us a box of booLe for a handful of francs

ell that explained a lot orced to walk the long route back to the field-cum-slurry pit that

was the campsite, the wine box felt annoyingly heavy and the ponsy bloody handle snapped and oh

clearly we<d been forced to start in on it, sucking on the long black nipple of a tap

!t was shortly after this that we stumbled across a woman having a piss in a bush reakishH

5ack at the tent frustration, alcohol and an uneven balance of stomach acid had overridden all

pretence of social etiKuette

C3onnay moi a fucking kebabHD =ark yelled at the near darkness

*2tumbling around in the semi-darkness, to take our mind off the lack of dinner, we"d thought,

(if thinking is what happens when the goldfish inside your head slosh about in booLe and make fart

noises against your temples) that we would turn the night<s disappointment into the following

morning<s coup d<etat and rather than Amaintenance, matin<, it would be Amaintenance, maintenant<

0s we had fitted new cables before exiting 5lighty, they had stretched leaving the gears as

malad>usted as a :apanese teenager and the brakes with all the stopping power of sushi hile

congratulating ourselves on having had the foresight to carry out this preventative maintenance, the

other half of our brains had mumbled something about A 3on<t fix what isn<t broke< 'ven though it

was true everything was running fine before the cabling was stripped out, we had consoled

ourselves with >ust how super fine they would work afterwards #n the same fuckwit principle, we

had replaced both the drive and crossover chainsO 0s ever with new components, things needed

ad>ustment "til they settled down, basically, they needed a tweak

Eow in a booLe-fuelled fit of enthusiasm, =ark had decided that now was the time for that

tweak and thus greasy tool in hand, he"d advanced upon the unsuspecting tandem and eyes straining

in the gloom, tweaked it good and proper, precision engineering at its drunken finestB



*T!ndem design is 7!r too dull to go into here9 7or ! det!iled e6pl!n!tion see ! nerd5

TweeeeeeeekH

Peen to steal a march on the world and set off >ust as soon as our veins were coursing with

fine rench roast coffee (rather than with cheap rench red plonk), we"d come to the conclusion

again that this definitely wasn<t going to leave time for checking any ad>ustments in the morningQ itwould >ust have to be overdone now

TweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekH

CThat ought to do itH @et<s give it a whirlD

*ound the campsite we"d charged with all the gusto of $avarotti on a wine-induced operatic

bender

Ce are the one and onlyD, we"d improvised, until without warning the perfectly ad>usted

derailleur had slipped into the spokes, taking the chain with it The resultant instant >amming of all

things spinning, including our legs, momentarily distracted our attention from the pathO and taking

unfair advantage, a tree stepped out in front of us and the world went strangely dark and silent

* :ever str!y 7rom the p!th8

*

CuckD 0 length of wet khaki nylon slapped me spitefully in the face bringing me back to the

present %rawling through the flap of the tent, we surveyed the full extent of the damage wilfully

inflicted on our trusted steedB mashed derailleur, snapped chain, bent chainringH 5limey, you could

bend a chainringF e almost felt proudN almost The real result of the evening<s excess was thatfar from the crack of dawn start intended, Team 2crew Sp were now likely to be stuck here for at

least half the day trying to correct their moronic attempt at maintenance or starters the mangled

chainring would have to be hammered back to mirror flat and the acres of gouged metal filed

smooth The remains of the chain would have to be pieced together, leaving it two links short of

useful and resulting in the top and bottom gears being out of bounds until we found a replacement

aving gone against our policy of throwing out anything not easily replaceable abroad, we had kept

the 2himano ultra-thin chain and the seven-speed block, (the last word in sophistication at the time)

Eevertheless, all those +& gearsO and more would be ground through long before the air thinned and

we crested the stratosphere to become a new comet in the firmament 5esides chains are fairly

lightweight spares to carry and rarely snapQ unless one rams them into the wheel in a drunken spree

and then mashes them into a convenient tree of course, and then it seems they snap at will -

ingratesH

*nod!ys ! bi'e ith st!b!lisers h!s !t le!st 2; ge!rs

C5ut hang on =rs =acPenLie, this doesn<t add upD =ark interrupted, Ce were so keen,

focused, like focused things 0nd then whatFD

Cucked it all up on day one by succumbing to cheap booLe and cheese enemasFD



CThese rench are wily bastardsHD =ark tutted as he fished out the roll of tools from the

bottom of one of the panniers and ran his eye along its contents 0n impressive arrayB chain link

remover, allen keys, crank puller, sockets, screwdriver attachments, torKue wrench, pliers, spanners

- full set, metric and imperial - gasket cutter, magneto flywheel extractor, radiator key, few bent

screws, rawplugs, plastic sheath thing that used to house drill bits, windlass and a hammer handlebut nothing hard and heavy enough 0 toolkit of a more sophisticated nature was obviously

reKuired $ulling on my pants (it was my turn), we stumbled out into the day proper, sKuinting like

myopic pigs

The campsite, so populated with motorhomes of incredible siLe and tents of chateaux

proportions, was however, strangely and unhelpfully devoid of people

CTypicalHD =ark tutted ever on Chen you<re looking for a helping hand, all you can find is a

false legHD

*

This wasn<t rainQ it was the evil spite of the ods, pissing down on us for starting out on this

ludicrous adventure !t was already late evening and the overcast morning had turned Kuickly to

unrelenting torrents of icy rain, filling our shoes and soaking our pants (although as =ark was

wearing them now, it didn"t really bother me) #ur only real >ob had been to avoid *ouen and we

had done it so well, we had ended up in the middle of fuck-knows-where

0 stab of lightning brought us out of our mental grump and back into the here and now *ain

all day and now a full on bloody stormH This was too much and the ods knew it$ossibly by way of apology, a sign swung into our water-filled view 2et back from the road,

inset in one half of a huge pair of rusty, wrought iron gates, it read "%hambre d<hote" hat exactly a

%hambre d<hote was neither of us were sure, the rench being such a precise nation G %hambre

d<hVte, ite d<etap, ite rural, 2tupid ite - but a sign is a sign, and a sign must mean people are

expected to knock, otherwise why have a sign in the first placeF

2winging through the impressive gates that looked as if they hadn<t been shut since the day

they were installed, we splashed up to the eKually imposing and decaying entrance, observed by the

grinning gargoyles on the roofline, and dismounted

=ore lightning saw =ark hammering hard on the door, the bronLed knocker churlishly

coming away in his hand !f a bloke in a butler outfit with a bolt through his neck answered the

door, we would be out of there Kuicker than a >ackrabbitO

*hich is !ctu!lly ! h!re but this isn<t ! bloody =oologic!l tre!tise5

0fter what seemed like an age, a vague shadow could be made out behind the leaden glass

The door creaked open to reveal a tiny woman in a shapeless robe affair 2he seemed surprised and

not a little sorry to see us, but indicated with a nod of the head that we should leave the tandem in

one of the door-less outhouses opposite and step in



2tepping across the threshold, the inner gloom was little brighter than the night outside but the

lack of rain made it absolutely welcoming 0s our eyes ad>usted, we could see the heavy wood

panelling, the chaise longue stuffed with dust and a perfect 2carlet #<ara double width staircase

leading to a galleried landing overlooking this great hall of a reception room rom the open dining

room on our left came the sound of snuffling which we identified as the nasal emanations of theshortest female dwarf on the continent 2he stared through with disinterest, chewing deliberately on

a hunk of griLLled meat =adame of the door, called to us

CIou are wanting a room for Le night ! suppose, =onsieur et =adameFD

Cee =adame, un room et un <ot bathD

Cell, Lere is a room <ere, suiveL-moiHD

This bi-lingual banter<s a piece of piss ! decided as we followed our hostess past the heavy

drapes and suit of armour up the sweeping stairs and on to the landing which opened out into a

space larger than the average house 0 worn crimson runner led the way to the end of a tunnel of a

corridor where =adame paused at the last door

CRis is your room, good nightD

or the umpteenth time since arriving in rance, we were forced to wonder how our

continental cousins could be so polite whilst being so rude, owever, it was warm, dry and the

morning promised breakfast with lashings of coffeeQ what did we care if she had smacked us in the

mouth on her way outF

*0fter an hour of sitting on the brown bedspread, looking at nothing through the dim light

obscured by the brown lampshade throwing brown shadows onto the brown flock that covered the

walls, we were restless The shower had had all the charm of a :apanese endurance test and we were

still hungry There must be something to eat down there, we<d go and ask 2omething hot, now that

sounded good

#n the landing, the previously dim glow had been replaced by inky blackness, all lights

extinguished, all signs of life gone

Chat the fuckFD =ark muttered, feeling along the walls for one of those ridiculous switches

that puts the light on >ust long enough not to reach the next ridiculous switch, all the time harassing

one with the ticking of a eiger counter

inally the bottom of the stairs Thank odH

C here the hell has everyone goneFD

Chere the fuck have all the light switches goneFD

Chat the fuck is that noiseHFD

0 wheeLing, rasping sound reverberated through the night =y hair stood on end, pulling at

my skin with all its force 0 flesh-eating lunatic was obviously poised >ust yards away, ready to rip



out our throats and yank out our kidneys with a single swipe of its clawed hand and then make us

eat them in a nice devilled sauce in front of ourselves

The noise stopped roLen where ! was, ! could hear nothing but my heart pounding through

the walls of my chest @aying flat against the panelling, eyes darting left and right, the desire to

crawl back to our room was overwhelming 5ut =ark was made of sterner stuffO 0s the lunaticresumed its rasping progress towards our inner organs, with a cry =ark grabbed the nearest pointy

thing to hand and launched himself on theN

N asthmatic catHD

*l!rgely bl!ncm!nge

3ead asthmatic cat, as it happened now

3ead asthmatic cat on the end of a still, unidentified pointy thing

J2hitHJ

*emorse was brief however as being a practical couple, our mind >umped into action mode

working out how to remove ourselves from this potentially awkward situation $lan one, leave it on

the table for them to find and escape now, make a run for it $eering out into the wretched night,

this plan was dismissed instantly as complete ballwipe

C0nyway, fuck that, we<ve paid for breakfastD =ark whispered C!t<s not our fault this one-

lunged mog expiredD

CIou did impale itHD ! hissed

C!t must have been on its way out anywayH The noise it was makingHDC@ook, what about doing it the adult way and coming cleanFD

C5ehaveH Think about it girlH =ost people are well over-sentimental about their petsD

C#h yeah 0nd it<s bound to be reflected in the portions dished out at brekkie G the bastardsH

C*ight that means hiding the bloody thing somewhereD

C5ut whereFD

The need for some light had never been greater but our actions needed to be cloaked in the

anonymity of darkness Ein>a stealth was the key word here

C5ut that<s two wordsD

Cocus womanHD

e tiptoed round the room with our cat on a stick companion, peering past the shadows for a

solution

C0haHD =ark slotted the ex-pussy spine outwards between "@es Trois =uskateers" and "@es

=iserables" on the bookshelves aving stepped back to admire his handiwork, even he had to

admit that it stuck out likeN a dead cat

C2tick it on a plate stand on the sideboardFD ! suggested, C#r what about flushing it down the

looFD



CEo, it<ll never clear the AS< bendD

C5ut people flush all sortsB goldfish, anacondas, alligatorsD

CIeah but rench plumbing isn<t designed for solidsD CThat<s why they have bidetsD =ark

added mysteriously and not a little worryingly !<d remember to tackle this one later

2lumping on the hard backed piece of rench art masKuerading as a sofa, =ark raised the cataloft and mouthed the cry of a man caught in an impossible situation e needed to put the cat in

something

CThe bolsterH $erfectH !t even Lips upHD

$ushing the now cooling kitty into the Lippered holder proved more fiddly than we<d

anticipated, pussy legs sticking out at awkward legs, its tongue catching in the Lip

ith the finished result passable as a lumpy bolster, we retired, semi-confident that our slight

faux pas would go undetected

*

0s the coffee swirled up into our nostrils and assaulted the fog in our brains, the lady of the

house seemed rather agitated abbling in irate monologues with wild gesticulations, she marched

from room to room, pulling at chairs and peering into cupboards e were more ice man than any

arctic roll had ever been and calmly supped on our coffee, =ark dunking his croissant (filthy beast)

despite its liberal smearing of confiture ranny let fall a plate of cold eggs onto the table before

shuffling over to the sofa and falling backwards, legs stuck out in front as she tried to get

comfortable on the seemingly rather lumpy bolsterC=aman, ou est le chatFD

"Things were hotting up, so pocketing the remains of the breakfast table, we swished down the

last of the coffee, made our goodbyes and scarpered 'ven though we were genuinely troubled at

the feline fatality we had played a small and unwitting part in, we were more troubled by the still

raging hunger that the foreshortened breakfast rations had done little to reduce *iding rather

unsteadily out of the gite gates, =ark half turned to me,

J*ight, let"s put some distance between us and J he cocked his head in the direction of the

receeding building Jand then find ourselves some serious nosh "cos even full helpings back there

would have left us hungry for less - no wonder the rench 'mpire only lasted a weekH J

*

CThat<s sounds a bit bloody richD =ark turned the menu over Chat is the closest thing they

have to %hicken 3ippers, do you thinkFD

e were treating ourselves to a slap up lunch to make up for missing most of breakfast and an

early twenty-thousand-kilometres cycled celebration G although we may only have covered >ust two

hundred, we had already learnt motivation was the most important thing in this gameH



CThey don<t eat that kind of processed shit 'verything is hand made, crafted, artesanalD

C0rsesanal, more like but okay, !<ll have artesanal chicken dippers then hat are you

havingFD

C%an ! have peas instead of petit pois, see voo playFD =ark asked, adding as the waiter left,

C0nd if my meal has been touched by any part of your anatomy, !<ll want a full refundDe popped to the loo while ! tried to figure out what they were eating on the table opposite

because if it was the same thing ! had chosen, could ! change my order, or was it too lateF

=ark reappeared

C! ask you, bidets, what<s that aboutF e was off on one againH The rench wiping problem,

it<s more serious than ! realised hen a nation can<t deal with its own faecality, they are really in

troubleD

Cang on, there are no bidets in the gentsH here have you >ust beenFD

ortunately, the arrival of the food provided the perfect reason for =ark not to reply

CSgghH !<m going to be sickHD

=ark<s frantic scrabbling for a napkin merely added to the amusement of nearby diners

Eoting this ! felt moved to play the part of the adventurous 'nglish palette 0nd to be fair, my

offering looked less offensive than =ark<s, dressed as it was in a shining, golden crust rom the

centre, a gentle pipe of steam wafted a strange aroma towards me

C0nd what is thisFD ! asked reaching for the salt

C! think the waiter said it was arse pieD =ark offered helpfully$lunging my fork into the pastry, my pie farted long and hard, rippling the sauce beneath with

the force

C=y pie >ust fucking well farted hat kind of people are theseFD

****

Chapter & -er'an( - Tande'ing in the Teutonics

ith eyes shut tight against the wave of inexorable drivel being spouted in our ears from the

T7 on the wall, we sipped at a coffee that would have raised a dead man from the deepest pit e

hadn<t set out on some amaLing life changing adventure to find that people the world over were

talking the same old crap =ind you, in a road side cafU at 6am what the hell did we expectF 0ny

self-respecting human being would be tucked up with their loving spouse in a three bed semi,

dreaming of a safe and secure future, not lounging about, bleary eyed in a crumpled suit drinking

creosote from a plastic cup 0lso, to be fair, we understood almost nothing actually being said as it



was strangely all in erman The images and the reporter"s tone, however said it all - we had

escaped 5lighty but we would have to go a lot further before we escaped depressing news stories - -

- probably the moon

e had made it over the 0lps starting at %olmar and long before we had straggled up yet one

more col de something or other, we had proved ourselves correct, all the available gears had beenused up and our legs were aching for some new ones This mountain climbing business was proving

anything but a piece of gateau and the mountain"s hadn"t really begun yetH $erhaps a brief outing to

=ilton Peynes hadn"t been sufficient preparationF

The dooLy of a drum brake, which =ark reckoned on it"s own weighed more than the tandem

and everything on it, including the drum brake, was already proving a mixed saladB the weight of an

average black hole and cumbersome to ad>ust or remove, it did nevertheless provide some essential

extra braking on the otherwise nerve-shredding downhills 0s the normal brakes were positioned on

the front bars and the lever for the drum brake on the rear, it was my only means of control

owever, as ! was the speed freak, ! rarely put it on, >ust sKueeLing it when =ark screamed murder

a third time on a particularly sharp corner owever an obsession with weight was already growing

for both of us and the thought of dragging several extra kilos across the world chaffed unbearably,

so it was decided to send it home at the first available post office The only downside would be that

the tandem would now have the stopping distance of an oil tanker

%oasting out of the 0lps, from cross-country cyclists we became pan-'uropean gods as we

entered our second country (third if you include 'ngland- and why wouldn"t youF !t"s a propercountry >ust like @icenstein and awaii - back off 5russelsH) ith less time than it took to recount

the tales of daring exploits to date, we arrived in reiburg, ermany or A3as ist 7erbotenland< as

=ark hysterically insisted on calling it

#n a previous cycling trip =ark had incurred the wrath of the Teutonic Temperament by

infringing various rules and regulations such as walking across an empty road (A>aywalking< is

forbidden), camping in the forest (Awild< camping is forbidden), snooLing on a park bench (sleeping

in a park is forbidden), wheeling a bicycle across the main tracks in the rush hour at 2tuttgart

railway station (wheeling a bicycle across the main blah, blah, verboten G honestlyH) and

fornicating in a public place with an unlicensed wild boar (fornicating, blah blah - you get the idea)

owever, having left the warmest town in rance for the driest town in ermany, it now

seemed a shame to leave too Kuickly as despite our very best efforts, we had yet to incurr the

authorities wrath by doing anything even vaguely verboten - shameH

0fter stuffing our faces, wandering through the inevitable "old Kuarter" and posting the drum

brake back to 5lighty, we headed through the 5lack orest or "2chwarLwald" as the locals insisted

on calling it for some odd reason #n all sides thick pine forest ran in perfect rows, tightly packed,

cutting out any light to the forest floor 0 carpet of yellowing needles could >ust be made out in the



permanent gloomO The plan was to skirt around Slm, 2tuttgart and any other inconsiderately over

populus centres as with the relentlessly fierce traffic, we weren<t feeling as comfortable as we

would have liked, sitting astride as we were, rather than, encased withinQ the security of being

surrounded by a steel cage with extra crumple Lones would have been Kuite welcome $erhaps we<d

cross the world in a armoured personnel carrier or monster truck next time Though if we didn<tconcentrate there probably wouldn<t be a next time we thought as another porsche howled past us at

at least .??kmhour

*For ! more det!iled description buy ! guide boo'5 This isn%t one5

*

#ur answer to the Teutonic love of aggressive carsO and even more aggressive driving was to

be found in our ultimate destination, $assau ere we intended to leap >oyously onto the

3onnauradweg, a long-distance cycleway that runs along the 3anube to 7ienna, 5udapest, and

finally the 5lack 2ea &.4?km (9// miles) later iven the recent gollywogging our legs had

received over the 0lps and the now constant fear of becoming a smear of human remains on some

un-named road, the thought of a trafficGfree and relatively flat route kept us pounding the pedals

and, in-between, pounding the pastries

*+n ! survey e re!d be7ore le!ving the m!4ority o7 (erm!n men put their c!r be7ore their i7e !s

their most tre!sured posession5 !r' !greed ith me th!t this !s !ll rong . the only thing

(erm!n men should put be7ore their ives !s their t!c'le . but only 7or geo.positioning purposes5

The way was enlivened by stops at small villages and towns with the cry of C2ausage timeHDcoming from the front end of the tandem 2ausage-tastic meals laid the basis for =ark<s summing

up of a place for the next few days %onsidering himself something of a recently appointed

connoisseur, hypothetical marks out of ten were granted on a sliding scale of one, to C! think !"m in

loveHD This proved to be true for most of the varieties sampled with the exception of the 5ung ritL

as in effect it is not a sausage at all but a former erman %hancellor, most of them being named

after food - the ermans love their nosh and wily politicians realised that if they named their party

leaders after the more popular items, this popularity would extend to them 0nd in truth, many

political leaders have a lot in common with cabbage

5iting into the succulent, pink, penis of a sausage that lay sluttish in its sauce drenched

paradise, =ark would lovingly offer to share some with me, but ! failed to appreciate his

enthusiastic conclusions of a town by the Kuality of the sausage wagons and he found little other

audience for his findings

Eow finally having arrived in $assau itself, we intended to waste no more time on phallic

snacks, but get straight on with the business of ticking country number two off our list by >umping

on the 3anube path and hot-pedalling it into 0ustria, our next destination G oh what it is to be

!nternational 2portspeople, with the wind in your hair



C 0nd still way too much bloody weight in your panniersD =ark rudely brought us back to

reality Eo trouble, as it had become apparent there had been a certain amount of duplication in the

packing, (! knew for a fact =ark had selfishly packed both his lungs), we would simply leave a few

things that were too good to throw away but we could do without, on this convenient park bench

and >ump onNThe second time we were called back (philanthropically leaving miscellaneous items on a

park bench for the benefit of others is also apparently ver-bloody-boten), we stuffed them into the

nearby bin, >umped onto the path, and we were off The only worry we had is that we would arrive

in 5udapest, having shot straight past 7ienna without noticing This would be a cultural disaster, as

=ark, who was already missing his sausage fixO, had heard rumours that the besten weiner in all of

0ustria were to be found on the streets of the capitaland he wasn"t too proud to pick them up

*:ot ! double entendre

C0nd for once traffic won<t be a problem The 3anube path cuts straight to the centreD =ark

promised

****

Chapter ) - Austria ! *lo+akia - *leeping ,ith the Dead

Eo problem indeed, but also no fun in the duck-wet weather that insisted on accompanying us

past @inL and onwards, despite our heavy hints that we would be fine without it thanks, if it could

>ust bugger off - surely there were some other, less important bastards to be rained on somewhereF

0lso no problem if the chain hadn<t taken upon itself to break again, this time blaming an ill-

straightened set of filed down, mutilated teeth on a hammered-flat (ish) chain ring as it did so G

bloody cheekH ith yet another link removed, the chain ran so tight it practically sKueaked as we

wound our way towards 7ienna and a replacement

=ind you to be fair, it was only following the lead of the heat-welded &??W monsoon proofpanniers we were testing for Parrimor of which the front set had already fallen apart, literally at the

seams e had been forced the night before to sew them up and then smear an entire tube of tent

seam sealant on them - well that had been our story when we had been discovered with the giant

lube tube

Eot that the tent would miss it, as it was watertight enough already, e could only wonder

why the fuck we bothered with all this camping crap, hours of pissing about every night for the

pleasure of huddling under damp canvas >ust to take it all down again in the morning- surely there

was a better wayF 0h, now that would be hotels or 515s, but they usually wanted untenuable

amounts of wonga and rarely in our experience accepted sexual favours in lieu of payment



That was decided then, tonight the tent could leak like a machine-gunned seal for all we cared

G for there was to be no wet campsite, no taking on the tent in hand to hand combat and fucking

about with damp nylon sheeting while trying and failing to create any kind of sensible form of

human habitation out of it Eo, none of that, for this evening we were going to fall into the lap of

luxury and sod the costif we could find it and it wasn"t too expensiveThe raucous sound of an inebriated oompah band blared out of a beerkeller as we sploshed

into a small village on the lookout for our rich man<s camping and if the budget allowed after such

an unwarranted expense, anything edible

The great fat drops of rain that fell and splashed up from the ground, turning the world an

instant shade of dismal, eased up as we dismounted in the deserted high street 2omething in the

ad>acent shop window had caught my eye and further investigation was clearly necessary =y brain

hadn<t been fooled !n the hunting and fishing shop, there was indeed the waistcoated body of a

stuffed rabbit with the head of a fox, dressed in full hunting costume, smoking a pipeH H 5ut then

againH hat theH ho the hell were these peopleF 3ressed in full shooting gear an otter stared back

at me with the glassy eyed stare of the sKuirrel<s face it wore 0 magpie with, no it couldn<t be a

boar<s head and a boar<s body with the head of aNboarH !t was all getting far too sick, so we

hastily remounted and moved on, searching, ever searchingN

*

The town had turned up nowhere to stay unless we had wanted to bed down with our

rankenstein-inspired forest friends which we didn"t, so we continued riding through the pissingrain that had considerately started up again until the light faded Then we rode a bit more because

unlike the movies, handy 515 signs had not made a habit of popping up where and whenever we

fancied them

Through every village our eyes strained past the rain for any hint of a friendly invite to stay,

and yet it was on the least likely >unction of three roads that led to nowhere that a sign appeared

ood >ob too, given that by now, having left the $ath (we never take our own advice) we were way

beyond lost and not far from pneumonia

The sign followed, the "gasthaus" found, we hammered on the door, simultaneously employing

a trick of the mind to create a positive belief that we were going to get what we sought e had

been finding this more and more useful as things progressed and gave full credit to its success by

the fact that we would lower our standards to whatever level was reKuired to get what we wanted

0 second hammering from =ark<s fists brought with it the sound of movement behind the

door 0 woman of absolutely no distinguishing features peered out into the rain ith our very best

0ustrian charades we made clear our desperate need for a bed and our offer of sexual gratificationO

as well as vast over-remuneration to secure ourselves some crispy sheets The second part of this

communication seemed to hold more weight and =rs rauline disappeared, leaving the door open a



crack so as to be polite

*)ou never 'no

0s we stood, lashed by the rain, this act of courtesy lost all weight 0fter a full light year had

passed, our potential hostess reappeared and motioned us into the dimly lit hallway 2he seemed

somewhat ill at ease, looking at her watch several times, but gestured that we should make our wayupstairs

rom the halfway landing, we looked directly down into the dining room and onto the sight of

someone laying on the table hat the hell were they doing laying on the tableF ere they short of

bedsF =aybe that was why she had seemed hesitant $erhaps we would be consigned to sleeping in

the bath for the night (!t wouldn"t have been the first time) $eering over the banisters we were

drawn up short by the realisation that it was in reality, the corpse of a dead person Eow all corpses

are dead people, we knew that but we<d never seen a real life dead person (except in films, which

=ark often insisted was real life, >ust more realistic) and never before on our breakfast table under

the roof in which we were to spend the night !ndecision struckQ spend the night with =r *igor

=ortis or find a campsite in the now biblical storm that shook the windows 2od thatH e pressed

on up the stairs, pausing only to consider whether it might be impolite to ask for breakfast in our

room, on account of the fact that there was a dead bloke stinking up the place where we would be

eating iguring these things would wait until morning, we accepted the woman<s shrugging of the

fact that someone had carked it and that dinner (there had been a chance of dinnerHF) was off and we

would be left to our own devices0 hot shower thawed out a fair proportion of our body parts and a welcome pair of towelling

robes wrapped liberally about our naked persons, set about warming those remaining This was

certainly the answer to the fucking stupid idea that is camping !n fact it was as far from this

ridiculous pursuit as, well, we were from 2ydney There >ust remained the mysterious matter of the

tabled stiff

0 knock at the door brought the news in sign language that the family would be departing for

a short time The house fell silent and we were left alone with >ust the T7 for company $oor

company we concluded given that the three channels were complete cock, one showing relentless

clips of churches with bastardly dull choirs, the second showing relentless fuLL and the last,

featuring a game show in which ugly contestants fought for even uglier priLes, and all in erman,

for od<s sakeH There was no getting away from it, we would simply have to make our own

entertainment

$ulling back the covers on the bed, checking for signs of other people<s pubes, we were

content that this was a clean establishment but shuddered at the icy chill of the sheets 0 man could

die in there =aybe a man had died in thereH e hadn<t thought about where the stiff had carked it,

maybe in this very roomF =aybe its spirit had watched us unpack, undress, showerF



Creaking pervertD =ark spluttered

C#k, let<s get a grip !t<s >ust a dead blokeD ! reassured unconvincingly

$erched against the luke warm radiator, an idea tapped me on the head and whispered in my

ear That couldn<t be a good idea, surelyF o down and see if the stiff looked like he might have

been a pervert while he was aliveF @ook for clues that he might not have died in this bed, possiblytyre mark up the face, that kind of thingF =ark had to admit there was something in it 0fter all

we<d paid for the room and wouldn"t be able to sleep the sleep of the >ust and knackered until we

had ascertained beyond doubt whether Sncle ester downstairs had actually carked it in our bed, we

had a right to knowwell, a morbid interest anyway

Tightening the belt of my robe (no pervert, dead or otherwise, was going to get in there), !

slipped on my shoes and we stepped gingerly down the stairs, hitting every light switch we could

find for added comfort

#n the half way landing, we paused and looked above the banisters to the dining room e

was still there, hadn<t thought better of it and snapped out of it, power of the mind and all that Eo,

definitely dead ith growing morbid interest, we stepped forward desperately trying for no good

reason to be silent,

CThe family have all pissed off and err 2tiff there is hardly likely to hear us, is heFD

!n the hallway, we held the door-less frame and peeped in 2tretching from the neck, we

craned forward for a better viewB a peaceful face, a Kuiet soul, body in comfortable repose, dressed

in a finely tailored suit and silk waistcoat e ventured further Eo coffinB this bloke was early forhis own funeralH :udging by the lack of lines on his face, he may have been early leaving this world

too 0 silver fob poked from the waistcoat pocket and a chunky watch adorned his left wrist This

guy had been a stickler for time keeping e noted he wore an engraved signet ring, a club tie,

shiny, shiny shoes and a belt buckle of an age long before this one 2herlock olmes, stand aside,

this one was a dooLy, ! had him sussedB 0 stiff but kindly type who was upstanding in the

community but lived alone, unmarried due to a mismatched love affair, something medium rank in

the army, undecorated for bravery, so possibly a bit of a cowardly bastard but a staunch admirer of

his father<s strict but fair parenting, (hence the belt buckle), a hobby physicist and a secret =arxist

hen pressed by =ark, ! admitted ! had added the last few by way of apology for summing this

bloke as a bit of a dull git

%ontent that there was nothing in the face to suggest a pervert, we subconsciously relaxed

CIou firstHD

Cirst whatFD ! whispered

C Touch him, go onHD

Cang on, that can<t be a good idea can itF 2upposing he died of something fatalHD

C #r contagiousND



C2omething like the plagueF =aybe he came face to face with an angry ratHD

C 5et he wishes he had chosen rodent wrestling as one of his options at school now thenHD

C5et he doesn<tH 0nyway it was your idea, you touch him firstD

aving beaten =ark at his own game of dares, he had nowhere left to go irst a stabbed tap

at a shoe, hand recoiled at lightening speed 5older now, but somehow still rooted to the spot, wewondered about the engraving on that ring There might be clues in there, a symbol, a word, a secret

sign to unravel the mystery that ! had completely imagined might exist @eaning forward, ! tried to

peer more closely at the inscription, too far awayQ !<d have to shuffle round the table 0s ! turned to

move, the sound of a key in the back door almost led to two more stiffs as our hearts stopped

simultaneously rabbing me by my hair, =ark shot out of the room and up the stairs faster than

either of us knew we could

The bedroom met us with all the charm of a confession box as we fell in 0 moment later a

gentle tap at the door caused our hearts to cease again, possibly never to be re-started The sound of

a tray being placed outside the door, with the tell-tale sound of an aluminium plate cover popped

onto what was obviously a takeaway offering, given their very recent return *etreating footsteps

and then silence

=ark brought in the tray

C%ool, foodH !<m dead hungryD

*

7ienna had lived up to all its promisesB =ark had a einer with mustard to die for, ! had mypicture taken outside the #pera ouse for evidence to uinness, the tandem had a new chain and

the three of us had the pleasure of meeting 5rad, a Iankee bible-basher and fellow cyclist staying

with the 7ienna 5oy"s %hoir, as he informed us G we didn<t pry

The weather even chose to improve for a few hours and the sun popped out for a guest

appearance The only blemish on the spotless day was getting the front wheel stuck in the numerous

tram lines that criss-crossed the roads and going down hard like a whale down a mineshaft on the

still slippery, sodden surface - but that"s what being 3evil-=ay-%are !nternational Tandemists is all

about

*

2ixty kilometres on the weather had settled into a totally uniform, communist greyO,

Jhy would you live in a climate like thisFD we whined to ourselves, in denial

@eaving the delights of 7ienna, we found ourselves in the middle of some distressingly grim

countryside, enlivened only by the vast conglomerate of high rises, fashionably dressed in slate grey

concrete, stagnating in the near distance anda border crossingF



*ore br!in !shing 7rom our childhood.communist countries ere prob!bly multi.coloured

!77!irs ith myri!ds o7 r!inbo.cl!d children const!ntly rele!sing pristine hite doves into

cloudless brilli!nt !=ure s'ies . !t le!st th!t%s ho ,ollyood !l!ys portr!yed them555

The muddling thing was, was that it definitely wasn<t ungaryQ =ark was sure of that and

given that =ark and himself were of the same opinion, conversation on that point had ceasedhere he had cause to disagree with himself though, sparks were really flying

C!t<s definitely not ungary, !<ve already said thatH 5ut ! don<t think it<s, well maybe it is, no

ND

CEo one<s arguing mapman, but if it isn<t ungary, where is itFD ! stuck my tongue in his ear

to emphasise my point

e chewed on it thoughtfully for a while Cell, it definitely isn<t ungary, though it could be

IugoslaviaNmaybe we<ve been going faster than we think and rather than about sixty-four

kilometres, we<ve actually done six hundred and fortyH $erhaps its 0ustralia, maybe we<ve already

broken the recordHD

C=mm, maybe you<ve been out in the rain too longD

Cell, basically,D =ark confessed, C !<ve obviously fucked upD

Cell fuck up man, let<s go find out where this isD

Cell, we<re united on one thingD he nodded in the direction of the high rises, CThat is one

ugly motherfucker of a townD

0t the tiny barrier attached to the tiny shed, two soldiers lounged 0s we approached, one ofthem hailed us in a language incomprehensible to even a native speaker and definitely to us !t never

ceased to amaLe us that people in positions of meaningless authority failed to bother with the most

basic of needs, that of being able to converse in 'nglish Thus we were left to deduce their drift

from the universal language of uniformB they wanted our passports and they wanted them now

3espite their being, in our humble opinion, nothing more than >umped up punks barely out of the

boy scouts, their automatic rifles carried sufficient weight to have us fumble around inside the

panniers looking for them

C! say, you there, what in the wide, wide world of !nternational *elations is this itinerant

border doing in the middle of a fieldFD =ark asked with what he hoped was an imperious air,

something of the tone our 7ictorian founding fathers might have employed with starched upper

mouth parts and even stiffer underpants while talking to :ohnny oreigner

e gesticulated emphatically at the groundB

C ! say chaps, '*'N!E 0*2'<2 E0='N!2NT!2FD he repeated, confusing irst

orld ar chumminess and the possibility that 'nglish might be understood at increased decibels

The soldier who hadn<t spoken, pointed curtly to the sign we had spectacularly failed to notice

above their headse weren<t Kuite sure of the details but the general gist seemed to be that this was



C2lo-va-kiaFD =ark read, Chat the fucking hell is that when it<s at homeO

*At the time ne countries ere popping up ith the monotonous regul!rity o7 7oot !nd mouth

outbre!'s5

This was surely the height of bad manners ow the hell was one supposed to navigate in

foreign parts if they were going to open up new countries at the drop of a Palashnikov and shutthem down >ust as readilyF e had been far too busy before we left to keep abreast of unimportant

things like that 0nd in our defence, it wasn<t on any map we<d looked atO !t seemed rather rude of

overnments to start creating new countries as we were going along G clearly we were never going

to reach 0ustralia like thatH 0nd would it even be 0ustralia where we got thereF $erhaps it would

have split into 0ustra and @ia or 0bbo dabbo land hat had happened to the good old days when

chicken tasted like chicken and when you walked out the bloody door, it was still the same country

as the one you had pissed in the night beforeF

*ostly :oddy%s World m!p "eries 7or "chools

'ither way, we had had no bloody idea we were going to pass anything between 0ustria and

ungary (except that dodgy second $ferd-urst from lunchtime) and were in grave danger of

looking like a couple of =uppets

Cey =uppets, where you going toFD

!t spokeH !t spoke in 'nglishH The snidey little wormH

*attling off the next couple of stop-off countries on our grand tour, ! hoped to reduce them to

gibbering wrecks of wonderment and awe and regain some of our fast-fading cred To give themtheir due, for their age they did a passable >ob of hiding their wonderment and awe and let us

through without further hindranceQ which was as well for them, =ark informed me further down the

road, as he was about to Aassert his natural authority< G blimeyH

****

Chapter - %ungar( - A "ifle .utt in the *pokes

e had left 2lovakia almost before we<d unwittingly entered it and were already tearing our

way through ungary with the momentum of a runaway tram ell, we thought it was ungary

!ndeed, it didn<t really matter, because we were sitting in yXr ,we supposed, in a fast food

restaurant that looked suspiciously like a =c3onalds =ark had adventurously ordered the most

ethnic sounding dish and it had turned out to be burger and chips G resultH Though what =ark had

expected in a burger restaurant, ungarian or otherwise, ! wasn<t sureQ goulash thermidorF

!n 'sLtergom we called it a day, because we fancied a night of it 5ooking into a cheap but



acceptable hotelO, we hit the streets and let our noses lead us to a piLLa >oint that would have given

any !talian mama dyspepsia 5ut we were in ungary and made allowances to the point where the

piLLa tasted mighty fine 2o fine in fact that we had another, though what exactly the main

ingredient of the topping was, we never knewB carpet tiles =ark haLarded

*+t h!d !lls5 ostly5The body fed and watered, it was time to provide some food for the mind and spirit, so we

hoofed it to the magnificent basilica we had seen earlier Ssing this dull block of stone as a

navigation aid, we found our way to the tiny cinema nearby :udging by the posters advertising the

biLarre collection of recent screenings, we were in for a real treat and to this end we now repaired

inside for our spiritual repastB "%>ukfer>uk" 0 film about people with pointy heads, apparentlyQ

pointy heads and the ability to sleep standing up as far as we could decipher 5eing dubbed entirely

in ungarian we could actually decipher very little, except that Tom anks had obviously fallen on

hard times and was now working in ungarian %inema ardly a Times review but that lowering of

our standards hadn<t actually reduced our en>oyment of life since leaving home, rather it had

enhanced it on many occasions and this was clearly going to be another one of them

*

C%erfuckcerfuck that might have to be the worst film ! have ever, ever seenHD =ark said to the

world in general as we left !t was an irrelevant truth, which was lost on him, that the world in

general didn<t give a flying fuck what he thought, and went about its business of being almost

midnight 3ramatic edifices lined every road down which we turned, lit by dim spotlights #kay somaybe when we had looked at the architecture with mild interest on our way in, this hadn<t actually

translated into observation of any particular features as we soon realised that one colonnade and

another looked distressingly similar, two cupolas were indistinguishable and iron work bridges over

drainage ditches had clearly been breeding like the elsh since we had walked this way !f indeed

we had actually walked this way for it was looking more and more dubious with every few paces

=ark consoled that at least we had only misplaced a hotel this time and not an entire country

! suggested that a passing pedestrian or >olly local copper could probably help us, but =ark

pointed out that this was unlikely, not because of the language barrier but because we had

spectacularly omitted to note the position, or name of our matchbox hotel

0s we slapped our pockets in the vain hope that the keys we<d handed into the outrageously

fat bloke on the armchair of a reception might somehow have appeared Sri ellar style in our

>ackets, we felt a slight sense of foreboding @ike lost souls in ades, we were obviously doomed to

walk the planet for all eternity, if that<s what lost souls in places like ades did hat really fucked

us off however, was that we<d paid for the bloody roomH

!t has been statistically proven that it driLLles more at &am than at any other time, and it<s true

the world over !t was true here and it was still true at +am as we stumbled along more damp,



deserted streets @earning from one<s own mistakes is surely one of those aspects of life that some

clever arse with stupid ears has made up a ridiculous maxim for, making one wish he were still alive

to facilitate the mashing off his face into something hard and unyielding e thought so e had

long since tired of marvelling at the lack of a mugging we had received, and as for following the

olde bloody worlde historic, bastard town map, frankly =ark remarked, he wouldn<t wipe his arseon it (although he had come pretty close to it, finding no public toilets in over two and a half hours)

#h >oyous hallelu>ah to the heavens above, fate finally smiled on us and saw fit to bring forth

our wayward hotel with at least a few hours left before check out 0lthough we almost had to spend

these asleep standing up at the door as outrageously fat man took an unseemly amount of time to

clothe his pasty body, waddle downstairs and huffily pull back the bolts

*

2tuck in the centre of 5udapest, sucking on diesel fumes was seriously affecting our ability to

act rationally and we found ourselves weaving through the traffic with little regard for the fact that

if we kept it up, we were about to become offal 0dded to this, the low-grade petrol was far from

lung-friendly and =ark, who is highly allergic to fumes, fettucini 1 farmers obviously needed to

get out of the capital 020$ O

*pretty much !nything st!rting ith !n %7% . it%s ! psycho.sem!ntic condition

aving left the traffic-free womb of the 3onnauradweg in order to cut across country, finding

the right road was proving harder than a needle in a haywain, whatever the fuck that was A$oint and

sKuirt< had been the planB point the tandem on the right road and sKuirt us like a hypodermic ofliKuefied speed across the reat ungarian $lain to the Iugoslavian border, thus avoiding hugger-

mugger *omania The dictator %eausescu had been overthrown only a while before and things were

still a little "dodgy" by all accounts urther reports of ex-secret police roaming around, generally

causing aggro had followed us across 'urope which sounded about as much fun as an anchovy

enema =ark had had several run ins with the secret police when %eausescu was still in power and

didn"t really relish getting back together 'ven though there were similar problems in some of

Iugoslavia, (well ok, a war in parts), we had to get through to Turkey somehow so given the choice

between civil-strife torn *omanian and war-torn Iugoslavian, we plumped for Iugolslavia as we

hoped to be able to skirt around the edge of the country out of harm<s way and on in to 5ulgaria

before anyone even noticed an oversiLed purple tandem ridden by two undersiLed midgets #r not

*

2ightseeing or burgersF 5urgers or sightseeingF The dilemma was always the same and yet

somehow, the burgers had won every time, as we truly didn<t give a rat<s cock about the overrated

and inexplicably dull, masKuearding as must-see sites hat was so great about herding around like

a retarded sheep, bleating with boredom and burdening one<s overpacked luggage with absolute,

touristic cackF ell that was how we saw it from the comfort of another burger bar as we gave our



lungs and legs a rest from fighting with 5udapest<s fumes and traffic in a small cafU-cum-restaurant

=oving on from something stringy and burnt in the burger stakes to something strong and

black in the coffee stakes, we were >oined by the living dead, dressed uniformly in unflattering

tracksuits of very inappropriate colours given their age, (the wearers, not the tracksuits) 0 tour

party, they looked bewildered andC2haggedFD =ark sympathised

C0ye, lad, that<s cos bloody schedule would kill a pit ponyH %an<t be done 2even days for

%hrist<s sakeHD

CIou have to be winding me upFD =ark<s disbelief burst forth

CEo son, twenty-seven capitals in seven ruddy daysHD

Cell, my absolute respect, for that is professional sightseeing ould that be like a uinness

orld recordFD

The Eike >ogging bottoms across the table >oined in CEo, $% %ooperman tours, @ancashireD

C2oD ! tried to choose my words carefully, Chow<s it goingFD

Cell on earthHD

C@iving nightmareHD

Corse than @eedsHD

Cucking shiteH Iou were never in @eedsHD

Tempers were ragged, goodwill long worn down but united in solidarity, a mutiny was afoot

Ciding out in a cafeFD ! Kueried, Chat, all fifty-nine of youFDCThose punks need to know we mean businessHD

Cow many more do we have to lose before they<ll take noteHD 0 pink shell suit gurned

Cow many have you lostFD =ark asked

CThreeHD The chorus was fifty-nine strong

C@eft behind by the busFD ! ventured

CEot likelyH irst one carked it in t< @ouvre after three art galleries straight in one morning, t<

tour o< bridges o<er 2eine in afternoon an" bloody ballet "n eveningH Eumber two had a heart attack

when handed the itinerary for first three hours o< second dayD

C0nd number threeFD

CishboneD

Cell that<s hardly the company<s fault now is itFD

C<0ppen it wereH Iou ever tried to eat twelve fish courses in eighteen bloody minutes in a

fuckin< gondola <ave youFD

C2o how are you going to mutiny, thenFD =ark asked changing the sub>ect

Ce<re going t< <ide out in here, miss t< rendeLvous, then issue our demands by faxHD

The >ogging bottoms >umped in again C e<re prepared to get violent, you knowD



Creat planD ! offered

CIeah, good luck with itD =ark added C!f you<ll excuse usD

e rose and left them making makeshift weapons from walking sticks, dentures and

someone<s false leg

#utside we unlocked the tandem and prepared to dice with death and bad clichUs once againC2ixty five years of hard graft in order to piss away the last few years in pointless pursuits and

ill-fitting nylon clothingF There is surely greater meaning to be wrested from life than thatHD =ark,

distracted in his metaphysical funk, failed to notice an oncoming truck as we rode off and almost

found the answer to his own Kuestion

*

ith the reat ungarian $lain proving as flat as our mood wasn<t, at our current rate, we<d

be out of this country in less than four hot meals and three cheap hotels - because hotels here were

so cheap what was the point of campingFO 0 lucky guess leaving the city of Pecskemet in the

morning had allowed us to make it onto the right road and thus it was only at a ridiculous >unction

of five roads with no signs, that we were forced to make enKuiry 2adly, our chosen informant

turned out to be a numbskull who had no comprehension of map or direction Eo amount of patient

pointing out our destination could illicit anything other than :ohhny eirdpants trying to climb onto

my seat, while dribbling onto =ark"s while violent head shaking and gabbling in what we took to be

some kind of pidgin ungarian e should have known, we should have guessed by the hat, it

screamed Anutter< from a hundred yards 5ut herein lies one of the serious difficulties ofadventuring !t can be hard to tell when unaccustomed to appropriate local dress The sKuared-off,

flap-down ears and ludicrous length peak would have had us crossing the road in 'ngland, shouting

abuse and hurling rocks, but here, how the hell could we knowF

*This ill.thought out monet!ry philosophy ould come b!c' to h!unt us8

2o instead, trusting to =ark<s unerring mental compass, we made another guess and were

supremely smug at the sight of a T!* some twenty or so kilometres further on 0 T!* meant the

right road for T!* stood for "Trans !nternational *outier" and also for "Tandem !nternational

*udebo ys" and lorries meant we were finally back on the main highway to Iugoslavia and

approaching the border @orries were everwhere, the road, the laybys and the verges G and all of

them seeming as if they had been parked up since before borders began 0 cross between a very

disorganised refugee camp and an even more disorganised camping site, temporary washing and

cooking facilities had been set up on and around the lorries, while barrels and crates had been

produced from somewhere as the unshaven drivers sat despondently playing a disinterested hand of

cards or sucking on their &??th fag, the remains of several days food, cigarette butts and litter

around their feet

#ur appearance caused a minor ripple of interest, but not as much as the wave of interest the



appearance of a impy sign caused in us 0 impyF ereF !n the middle of a field in

nowheresvilleH !t couldn<t beH =ark had been born and raised above *ichmond<s finest example of

this 'nglish version of the classic 0merican diner and with a primal cry, he rode the tandem through

the door

rom the outside, it looked like a dilapidated wooden hut but insideN inside it was adilapidated wooden hut with a couple of tatty impy menus stapled to the planks 5ut it did have

benches and benders (or their version of impy<s legendary smoked arselips in cat gut G =mmH

3elishH) 2matherings of grease, low-grade meat and a fast-food childhood revisited, we emerged to

do battle royale with the unifomed border monkeys

hiLLing up the outside of the stationary snaking caravan of lorries, we smugly presented

ourselves, passports in hand to the lounging straggle of soldiers

!t was probably the complete refusal to acknowledge our presence that really incensed =ark

Celloooooooooooo, mein %apitanesHD but even this effervescent greeting combined with

gratuitous passport waving still failed to elicit a response 3rawing heavily on the end of his

cigarette, one of the soldiers flicked the butt into a puddle with his index finger The resultant hiss

seemed to capture his attention far more than =ark had managed

C@ook, here are our passportsD

=ight as well have been here are my hairy balls, would you like to suck on them for a short

while, for all it mattered

0fter several minutes of abusive heckling, we were finally rewarded with a raised eyebrowearing uniform had obviously warped this guy<s sense of self-importance and we figured we

might >ust be the ones to knock him back down to earth 5ut there again, that was Kuite a rifle he

had hanging from his shoulder

The voice was as gravelled as a stately home drive, Cgo homeD

Co homeFHD

C# #='HD

C#r what sonnyFD

!t must have been something to do with where ! was standing but it looked like =ark was

really starting to skate on thin ice

The youngest of the six, leant forward mockingly, CThere is a war on, the border is closed, if

you were to cross you would be shot, either by usNor the rebels !t is your choice =ake it and

leaveD

#bviously their command of the 'nglish language was surprisingly more advanced than we

had thought e decided that it would be a good idea not to find out how advanced their command

of firearms was and in the interests of international relations, let this one go e didn<t want an

international incident this early on in the trip after all



!t couldn"t be denied however, that this was a serious blow to progressH The choice had been

Iugoslavia or *omania, and we"d plumped for Iugoslavia 0nd now Iugoslavia was plumping for

"piss offH" #ur irrevocable decision only made bloody yesterday and thwarted within twelve hours

now lay weeping before usH uckH uckH uckH uckety uckH ollywood had a lot to answer for

:ames 5ond never had this sort of crap happenB poison dripped down a string, explodingmotorbikes, vicious assassins but no one ever told him to go homeH

CThere<s a war on, like ! didn<t knowH 0rseHD =ark grumbled away to himself, missing the

point that we might very well have ended up laying face down in a pool of each others< guts had the

uniformed 0rse let us through

*

e have never been known to regurgitate stupid phrases, bandied about like Cwell it would

happen to usD or C>ust our luckHD or Chaving removed the crankshaft D because they are for stupid

people 0nd we, in our humble opinion, are far from stupid !t<s >ust that we are on occasions

unlucky, =ark noted, ill-fated, >inxed, more often than not cursed, in short doomed by

predestination to always get the bum<s rush, written in the heavens that fateN

=ark<s soliloKuy was interrupted by my seat bolt snapping in disgust at having to listen to so

much drivel - it had never agreed to support the weight of stupid people across the world

%onseKuently ! went tits up and slid gracefully into the gutter,

!n unison we chorused A:ust our luckH<

=ark helped me up and examined the remains of the renegade seat boltC!n my capacity as chief mechanic to this expedition, in my professional opinionNit<s

buggeredHD

That much was obvious, what wasn<t so obvious was where we were going to find another

one in this ridiculously backward, third world cousin of a 'uropean country (ungary that is, not

5elgium) 'ven though in essence, it was >ust a bolt, it was no standard bit of hardware and given

the stresses involved, no ordinary two-bit commie substitute was likely to last, even if we could get

it to fit The one thing in our favour was that having been so rudely turned back at the Iugoslavian

border, having no plan with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, we had ridden back to the last

town we had passed, 2Lged, which was where the bastard bolt now chose to make its do-or-die

protest

The onus for coming up with our next move was removed from our shoulders by the arrival of

a gangly youth, answering to the name of eLa to his friends andNeLa to everyone else

2eeing our plight, he felt moved to come over, examine the problem and give his amateur

adviceB

C!t is buggerHD

$leased though =ark was to have his initial diagnosis confirmed, he felt that this



pronouncement didn<t really leave us any closer to solving it $ointing out the non-standard nature

of the seat assembly, he was interrupted

CThat is no problem, we get new oneD

C0 new oneF Iou happen to have such an item upon your personFD =ark inKuired pompously

CEo, but there is shop, near here, ! take you, andD he bent down and ran his finger along thedamaged chainring, Cmaybe, ! think you need new one of this alsoD

0t this pronouncement =ark raised an eyebrow Eot to be outdone, eLa raised him a finger

! couldn<t match that >ust having the one nose, so ! threw in my cards That >ust left the two of them

=ark raised the stakes and another eyebrow, but he was on a hiding to nothing G eLa had plenty of

fingers in reserve

C#P, lead the wayD =ark capitulated

0s we set off he whispered to me, Cave you seen the bikes around hereF ! don<t think they

have gears, they haven<t even got tyresHD

! couldn<t disagree, but ! had no other plan and neither did he, so eLa led and we followed

2et under a block of residential flats, from the outside, the shop looked more derelict than

open, but insideH !nside there was more fancy cycle hardware than any shop in 'ngland outside of

the capital and even then it would have given most of them a cycle for their moneyB sleek racing

bikes, composite aero wheels, freewheels galore and seven-speed blocksH 5ack then top of the range

cyclists like us regularly sold a lung (obviously not one of their own - usually a close relative) on

the black market to get hold of 8 speed blocks eLa explained that this shop supplied many of theprofessional cyclists in ungary =ark picked up an 0-headset and waved it in my direction eLa

showed =ark how it worked

CThese are very good, better than old type shit like you have on your bikeD

e thought we<d let this one go and with eLa as interpreter, we soon had a new seatbolt,

chainring and, taking the opportunity, multifarious other spares we had found as hard to find as a

gregarious whale on a :apanese exchange trip

The other not so welcome similarity to the @ondon bike shops was the price, doubly

expensive, as ungary was doubly cheap 5ut no longer at the mercy of treacherous componentry,

we were too pleased to care and after the bike shop staff had admiredO the tandem, we all three set

off for eLa<s flat for the night 2uch timely life-saving assistance topped off with an offer of

accommodation could not go unrewarded, so on the way we piled into any and every shop we could

find and bought enough food to feed the cast of Rulu 3awn

*euphemism 7or t!'ing the piss

The door eLa eventually stopped at could have been the one where we first met, save for the

fact that it still had some glass in its panes !t did flit through my mind that he might have walked us

round in a complete four-sided circle for all the attention ! was paying 2o at ease did we feel



however, that even though the tenement blocks around us were the sort where no one had a lock-up

because it would get broken into, but it was the kind of area where everyone had a lock-up because

nobody had anything worth breaking in for and everyone knew it, we didn<t hesitate to enter #nce

inside, eLa led us to the lift which, being of the service variety easily fitted the three of us and the

tandem#nly that morning our hopes had been dashed at the border of broken dreams and then to add

anal insult to in>ury, my posterioral support mechanism seditiously rent in two, but now with lard-

inducing amounts of food and vital spares in hand, we were made welcome to our night<s

accommodation !n the event, buying food for six thousand turned out to be a good move, as eLa

and various friends of his who popped in and out to gawp under the guise of helping with the

repairs, all seemed not to have eaten for the last six weeks and all of it swiftly went

3uring bouts of feasting and tandem tussling, we told eLa of our adventure and he told us of

hisB actually Iugoslavian, even though only nineteen he had deserted from the army as he had no

belief in, and no desire to take part in, the criminally stupid war that had proved such a thorn in the

bollocks of our trip is family were still in Iugoslavia but he obviously couldn<t return there until

the stupidity finished, and maybe not even then ungary, however, was welcomely neutral and

with the help of his new-found friends he had managed to get a real $artridge family vibe going

ortunately between them they had been around a bit and along with our maps, were amaLingly

able to help us piece together an alternative route so soon after 'xpedition 2ydney had been dealt a

seemingly terminal slap in the face 'ven though the original idea had been to avoid *omania in thefirst place, we were on a mission and if we couldn<t get through Iugoslavia, then fuck them it was

their loss and the *omania border and on to 5ulgaria it would be eLa allayed some of our

concerns as wellB

C ! think most of *omanian trouble is in large cities and 'ast, if you take this route you stay

away from danger ! thinkD he added with more hope than confidence

0s he knew all about staying out of harm<s way, we decided that in the morning we would

leave on our new, risk-reduced *omanian route and toasted its success with something that had all

the attributes of bleach

*

3ull and early the following morning we were accompanied by eLa and his entourage on a

flotilla of bikes to the outskirts of town and waved off for =ako and the border 0 bit of us almost

wished we might be turned back again for an excuse to spend some more time with our new friends

e did however still have a few kilometres to do to break that record (well, a few tens of thousands

actually) and ridiculously helpful as eLa and his chums were, they drew the line at finishing the

trip for us while we lounged around eLa"s flat guLLling another gargantuan pile of comfort food

=eeting people like this was the main reason we had wanted to do something so stupid in



the first place e truly believe that people the world over are fabulous, give or take a few

bastardsO 'ven though the odd individual may be evil, smelly and have pointy ears, the average

person is inexplicably helpful, usually washed and, well some have pointy ears but you get the drift

#nly a few hours before it had seemed Team 2ydney were alone in the world with fate against them

and then people stepped out of nowhere, people who had much bigger problems than we did (ourswere, after all, self-inflicted) and >umped, unbidden at the chance to lend a hand and get a couple of

nutty strangers they would probably never see again, back on course e had little idea at this early

stage of the trip how much a theme this would become as we lurched further and further into the

unknown

*(r!nted ! l!rge proportion seem to inh!bit positions o7 poer !nd border crossings5

or now, it was stage two, (maybe it was three as there had been that sticky out bit that

wasn<t a real country) as back in !nternational Tandem-setter mode, we sped like a guided

*ottweiler towards the *omanian border and our date with destiny

****

Chapter / "o'ania - Old its and 0a'pires

CashishF EarcoticsFD

C0re you buying or sellingFD

!t was flippant and given that this was the most highly decorated weebil in history, and he was

backed up with two rifle-toting monkeys, it was a pretty dumb remark 5ut isn"t dumb heroics what

!nternational 0dventuring is all aboutF ortunately, the fat that slowed his body to a crawl had

somehow had a similar effect on his brain and my remark went unnoticed

C%hocolateF @egoF 5iblesFD

! subconsciously looked around for a hidden cameraCunsF *iflesF 5ulletsFD

The weebil shifted his bulky arse to the other cheek, and leant heavily on the arm of the bench

from whence he conducted his business

C!s this like 5ingo, do we carry on until we shout houseFD ! asked innocently

C$etrolF 5atteriesFD

C$etrolH !t<s a flippin< bicycle, not a motorbikeHD

C5ombsFD the eebil was in full flow now

Cell yeah, we are the bad boy gangstas of tandemingHD =ark smartarsed

eebil must have mistaken our reply or maybe it was the effects of foreshortening, but the



barrel of the rifle loomed large enough to partially obscure the view of two soldiers ripping the bike

apart 2oon bags lay open with stuff strewn randomly in the dirt ! hoped =ark wasn<t thinking of

pulling that Aasserting his natural authority< shitQ that barrel was awfully closeQ one slip and we<d be

picking bits of *omanian issue gun metal from our faces for a week

5efore the search had started, the eebil had legged it with all the speed his piggy trotterscould muster to the safety of the low bunker of the building he called his officeQ clearly not as brave

as his be-medalled chest would have suggested

CThey probably came in a cereal packetD =ark haLarded

hile the search progressed, eebil used his full military weight from the comfort of his

bureau, calling for things to be brought to him, barking orders until he was satisfied that we weren<t

hiding a scud missile in our sleeping bags or an exocet in our toolkit (mind you, it was about the

only thing we didn<t have in there) and then beckoned to two soldiers to escort us to his lair

!nside the makeshift office, we marvelled at the lack of anything official looking eebil

presided over the proceedings from his wooden table of a desk, whilst a rubber stamp was wielded

in our direction with all the menace of a stuffed badger

Cow many days for visa will you be in our beautiful countryFD

iven that this had been a complete change of plan, and we had fully intended to skip his

beautiful country altogether, the honest answer was that we didn<t have a clue

C2ix daysD, ! said arbitrarily

C2ix days, sixty dollarsD the eebil replied arbitrarilye could see where this was going

C0lso you must make exchange for *omanian @ei for each day in beautiful countryD

C#kay, how much must we exchangeFD =ark sighed

C2ixty dollarsD

C@ike ! didn<t knowD =ark mumbled to himself, counting out the precious notes

Y&+?H uck that for a game of extortionH That was a pretty big hole in our budget, but then

again we hadn<t actually allocated any funds to this kind of thing, so any amount would have blown

it out of the water, in truth

eebil slapped a handful of tatty notes and a selection of toy town coins on the counter in

exchange 0s ! picked them up, =ark asked innocently

C hich way do we go for 3isney @andFD

CIou go straight to tourist hotelHD

The eebil was bored now !t must have been minutes since he<d eaten and his vital signs

were fading fast Tetchy with the hunger, he barked for us to be dismissed and we went out to pick

up the scattered pieces of our expedition



*

Taking the eebil<s advice, we headed for Timisoara, and the first available tourist hotel

!nside, a waistcoated stick insect appeared behind the desk

C$assaportLeD The internationally recognised word The rest of the transaction however, was

completed without a word, numerous papers filled in, all with random bits of information, as wehad no idea what they were looking for being as it was all written in *omanian, or ebrew for all

we could tell 0fter volunteering our name, address and country of origin, we lost interest and

completed the rest with a random selection of lies and lyrics from the bigger numbers from 2outh

$acific

CThat ought to do itD ! smiled

The price for the room was frankly Kuite embarrassing, until we saw it and then it seemed a

tad pricey

The stuff dumped in the room, we were set to investigate the haute cuisine of the local

hostelries and were thus pulled up short by the notice handed to us on our way back past the

receptionB

Cur7e tonight 10pm5

C%urfewFD =ark Kueried CThere<s still a curfewFD

The one and only time he had been here before, %eausescu had still been in charge and a

curfew was par for the course, but %eausescu had gone in <9M, so what the fuck was all this aboutF

#ur host had seen this reaction before we suspected for the subseKuent charade of doors beinglocked and us sleeping in the street was all too clear

C*ight, M.?pm it is thenD

e<d walked the streets far too recently while our bed lay empty to do it all again and besides

the only thing that interested us at this moment was something to eat and then a Kuick fumble under

the sheets

*

!n the streets of Timisoara the signs were really starting to piss us off Eone of them suggested

a place to eat and by now we were hungry as only an unsuspecting 5ritish stomach can be caught

unawares in an 'astern block state $art of the problem may have been that we were keeping to the

lit main streetsQ natural caution isn<t often that evident in us, but given the bands of troublesome

muppets making a sporadic nuisance of themselves and the fact that we had only >ust got going on

our adventure, we were keen to avoid any early catastrophes 0 few setbacks had already beset us,

but then again that was what adventuring was all about, ! cheerily told =ark what he already knew

e agreed, adding however that it was more likely to be about going to bed hungry if we didn<t find

somewhere to eat soonQ the curfew was only an hour away

5ut an hour was to prove plenty as we practically fell into a bright, but empty cafU a few



minutes later The plain tables and benches were matched by the plain food G there plainly wasn<t

any ell, nothing we could stomach despite the hunger and impending lock-in till morning The

agreement had been that once we crossed the 5osphorous into 0sia we would have to eat anything

and everything that came our way, identifiable or not, but we hadn<t expected to be doing so this

early on and frankly the stomachs weren<t ready for itThe eebil had given me an idea however !t seemed they were keen to get their hands on

dollars in this part of the world, so ! thought why not try it hereF $ulling one out ! put it on the

grimy conter top and asked in sign language if there was anything else to eatF The guy behind the

counter whipped the note away without a word and motioned for us to sit down !n less time than it

took to skin a cat, we were tucking into what looked like an entire kilo of frankfurters, made from,

we imagined, that very moggie and even though back home we probably would have gagged at the

low-grade pet meat, when in *ome-ania and all that hile =ark tried to secure a bottle of fiLLy

liKuid not entirely petrol based, ! was tripped up by a dire lack of local knowledge and reluctantly

played eeny-meeny-miney-mo with the loo doors hat sadist puts rudimentary stick figures both

wearing skirts on either doorH od, were we back back in 2cotlandH adn"t these people even heard

of trousers, ! mean, how backward were theyF Then again, =ark confided, he"d always fancied

himself in a skirt- of the manly kilt variety obviously he hastily added ell, ! suppose it would lend

added authenticity to his %eline 3ion impressions so legendary at the 2lug 1 @eotard riday night

lock-ins which now seemed a lifetime away - thank the @ordH

#utside in the street it was already dark and the few streetlamps left plenty of dark corners forundesirables to lurk ad they leapt out however and demanded all we had, after the kilo of suspect

frankfurters we could happily have obliged and volunteered a full set of inner organs between us in

two short bursts 0ided by our paranoia and commando-style rolls, belly-crawls and Ahup-hups<, we

made it back to the hotel, disappointingly without the need to blacken our faces

*

%ycling through rural *omania we couldn<t shake the feeling that with every hundred or so

kilometres east we travelled, time was regressing at an alarming rate The villages were inhabited

by wrinkly peasants, bare-footed children and domestic animals, the last two of these littered in

herds on the roads !n-between, the countryside was peppered by potholes, gypsies and spare bare-

footed children The gypsies seemed less than interested in passing chit-chat, so we let them be and

they returned the compliment

0nother constant in this kaleidoscope of mud were the storks, who showed an embarrassing

lack of originality in migrating along the very same route we were travelling These lanky bird

brains obviously suffered delusions of grandeur for their nests were palatial 0lmost every telegraph

pole, or disused factory or house chimney had a giant pile of untidy sticks forming a circle, some 6

ft deep and up to 4 ft wide - easily big enough for vertically challenged midgets like ourselves to



bed down in (and we had thought about it)

Eow, even though we loved anything furry, we have never been drawn into the seedy

underbelly that is "twitching", seeing this as more of a medical affliction passed on by insanitary bird

watchers !ndeed, Cuck <emD we<d often told 3avid 0ttenborough many a night, when channel

hopping through someone else"s T7 (we never owned one ourselves on moral grounds, but couldalways be persuaded to yell abuse at a stranger"s) The worrying thing now was that we found

ourselves not only entranced by these wonderful birds but we were starting to sound like "twitchers"

ourselves =ark however, pulled us back from the abyss with some more realistic observations -

J!n all honestly, having a gargantuan bloody bird, crushing the roof of your house and doofing

down your chimney doesn<t really seem that luckyFJ

*

5eing more %osmo %afU %ourtesans than scenery dullards, (despite our recent bird nerdery)

we rode on oblivious to anything pertaining to undulating hills or wooded copses $ulling into a

village of little distinction, we failed to appreciate the full, *ousseau-esKue rural charm of the

decaying rustic timbered frame houses and manky collection of domesticated animals occupying a

perfectly good spot for a hotel Ssing the !nternational sign for Cwhere the hell can we get a bed

pleaseFD we lampooned ourselves round the village until we were at the point where we would have

asked a lame duck in a pickle >ar to shuffle up and make space for the night @ame ducks were

unfortunately conspicuously absent, whereas lame old gits unfortunately weren<t

C:ust fuck off, will youD C$leaseD =ark added as an afterthought, after all this freak musthave been close to a hundred and fifty years old and anything less respectful might have caused

offence 5ut we were far from impressed by his constant haranguing and would happily have

pushed him under a bus, had there been one handy There wasn<t

The tugging at =ark<s shirt was really pissing him off now and what the hell was that sucking

action the old bastard kept doingF and to his mouth as if holding a banana, randad kept pursing

his wrinkled lips and moving his >aw as if sucking on a baby<s bottle, or teat or cock, depending on

how you looked at it

!t was ridiculous to be overpowered by a bag of bones with no teeth and weedy arms, but

somehow we found ourselves being led on a trip through the village %learly, the unappetising truth

was that behind our hard-bitten, don"t-give-a-fuck, every-man-for-himself, burnt-out-itchy-trigger-

finger exterior lay a heart of well, marshmallow and as we were obviously the singly most exciting

thing to have happened in his otherwise sKualid existence, we were loath to disappoint our public

The dirt streets had turned to mud and splashed liberally up the walls of the whitewashed

stone buildings that were indistinguishable from the animal shelters save for a few tiny, giveaway

windows ! eyed up our guideB the flattened cap, string for a belt, shirtsleeves rolled way beyond the

elbow - chuck in some braces and he was surely about to break into Cchim-chiminey, chim-



chiminey chim-chim-chirooD

=ark obviously had roughly the same idea C0ny minute now =ary $oppins, he<s going to try

and clean your tubes with his brushHD

iven the hand actions earlier, ! couldn<t disagree 0nd yet somehow, we were drawn ever

onwards into a small, walled farm, which looked slightly more substantial than any other we hadpassed Through the chicken shed, birds scattering at our feet the three of us >ourneyed on, until our

Transylvanian Troll paused at a sheet of rusted, crinkly tin $ulled aside and motioned through, it

was at times like this that ! honestly began to Kuestion our sanity 7isions of returning to a bike

stripped of all that we owned, having struggled free from the ropes that cut into our wrists in a

locked away shed, surviving only on each other and the occasional takeaway, were all too clear

0dd to that the indignity of being sucked off by an octogenarian shirt lifter, =ark added, and you

have the kind of scenario that could really damage a man<s reputation ood pointH Eot having had

the sense to come tooled up, we would have to rely solely on our natural guile and cunning !f this

doddery old git tried to pull a fast one, we would show him >ust how much respect we had for the

elderly, by >udo flipping him into a pile of chicken shit

C0nd then giving him the smackdownHD =ark added 0fter the ditching us, we had

switched our loyalties back to the and fully intended to video a tag match with the first

endangered species we came across, feathered or otherwise, and postO it back to the

headKuarters

*)es post8 This !s pre.)ouTube d!ys5 5racing himself, =ark was pulled up short by the offer of a length of dirty, clear plastic

tubing

Chat the fuckH Eo thanks mateHD

The old git grinned ! had never seen such discoloured gums before but as randad placed his

mouth around the pipe, they were displayed to their horrendous full 5etween the patches of grime

and green algae that covered the inside of the tube, it was >ust possible to make out the creeping

movement of a semi clear liKuid

C0h, it<s a homemade stillHD

CThank the @ordHD

#ur relief was loud and heartfelt and was mistakenly assumed to be enthusiasm 5efore we

knew it and in no way could it be explained, Team 2ydney were once again beaten by the insistence

of this old git and found ourselves sucking on the pipe, much to our absolute disgust !t was patently

obvious to the meanest of intellects that we had approximately three minutes before the multitude of

microbes festering in the pipe ate us from the inside out and had to decide whether to spit or

swallow 2trangely enough though, despite its cloudy appearance and odd bouKuet, it actually tasted

ok Eot bad !n fact we<d have another shot 0fter all, it wasn<t often you were offered a shot in the



mouth by a toothless geriatric in a far away country, =ark said

*

!n the Transylvanian forest, an eerie light filtered through the close knit trees and cast long

shadows onto the cratered road There was no traffic except for the occasional T!* that would

announce its presence with a heart-stopping blast of its double air horns before overtaking us andspeeding on out of sight Sp Atil entering *omania they had always been courtesy itself, obviously

recognising us as fellow Trans !nternational *oadsters, but here they seemed to have no desire to

swap tales of the open road, or even slow down, for some peculiar reason seeing us more as tyre

fodder than homies

or not the first time we dusted ourselves off and dragged the tandem back onto what passed

as a road and carried on with our diet of forest and vampire bats 0lone since passing the last sign of

habitation back in &9/&, we laboured through the miasmal landscape that is Transylvania

!n a mud filled lay-by, in the last wisps of day, a T!* lay slashed open like a cut-price heart

transplant patientB canvas curtain ripped back, carcass laid bare, doors hanging off e peered

inside Totally looted This was obviously bandit country e would have to keep vigilant, expect

attack, be prepared, trust no one or no thing e<d seen the films =aybe it was vampiresF Eow

everyone knows the only way to kill a vampire or werethingy or anything with sharp pointy teeth, a

bad attitude and an insatiable appetite for human blood, is to leg it sKuealing like a girl and let

someone else deal with it hat many people don<t know is blowing its brains out at close range

with a =agnum //, 'astwood 2tyle, also works a treat owever, bewareH Iou will be picking bitsof vampwolf out of your face for weeks

5ut we were past masters at this wildly overactive imagination larkQ this was definitely >ust

the start of things to come e spun away in a "don<t fuck with us" kind of way

0fter another long hour, the dark had taken over and we found ourselves peering into the

gloom, with nothing more than a pisshole of a torch beam, trying to find the signs to anywhere #ur

only and thus best option had been a tiny eating place with a handful of wooden sheds for

accommodation in its dank, dark forest of a garden e had hesitated, wavered for a moment, then

rode on with no idea for an alternative The foolhardiness of this had been preying on our mind for

the last kilometre and thus it was in an unprecedented step, we turned around and retraced our

tracks to the dimly lit veranda

0 light inside suggested we hadn<t missed the boat, although the lack of punters didn<t

provide much reassurance as to the Kuality of the establishment !t wasn<t going to be the bright,

lively bustle of a cafe that we craved, but figuring that the inside of a hollowed out badger would be

pretty welcome, we parked, locked up and climbed the steps

The door closed eerily behind us The bar was completely unmanned #ur footsteps echoed

along the worn, wooden boards to the counter Tinkling sounds of music, wafted through from the



kitchen, sounding suspiciously like %+ see ! ne moon !rising + see555% Too lateH e<d already

strayed from the path

#n reaching the bar an inhuman screech howled through the hatch

CIoooaaaoaoaoaowowoaoaowowowaoaoohHD

2omeone was being eaten by something, and eaten aliveH @imb ripped from limb, flesh rentfrom bone Turning to flee, we were paralysed with fear as the swing doors flew open and an

apparition in white appeared 2eeing us, the barman stopped screaming and held up a bloodied

stump where a finger should have been

C#uchamolokaD

C2o ! seeD, ! volunteered with what ! hoped was a sympathetic look, somewhat tricky as my

facial muscles were still locked in fear

C!f he starts to turn into a bat or grows hair on the palms of his hand, !<m outta hereHD =ark

muttered

C0h !nglisshD, the guy said knowingly and without enthusiasm

=ark took control with all the aplomb of one who normally chooses to spend his vacation in a

vampire-infested swamp and spelled out our reKuest with moronically exaggerated hand gestures

CestayNinNwoodenNshed thingF 2leepyNsleepyF IouNhireNto usF %heapFD

5oris the barman sighed C0m ! to understand from your pronouncement that you reKuire the

use of one our luxuriously appointed chalets for the duration of the night without too onerous an

outlayFD or something like thatThis bloke was pulling off the A! do this all the time< routine with some conviction although

our senses were less convinced ow many loony 'nglish speaking people chose to holiday in a

place like this and >ust happened across his threshold in the hope that they could spend the night in a

rotting potting shed !t wasn<t happening in the real world but we had left that far behind, along with

chips and enemas and were learning to run with whatever came along

C'rr that would be the general ideaD =ark confirmed adding Asmart arseH< between the lines

#ur Ahost< continued to bleed disinterestedly over the counter

Cait momentD

5oris ran his bloodied finger along a line of keys, hanging from brass hooks above the bar and

then put it back in his pocket

C! think thirteen is freeD

C@ucky for usD ! took the offered key gingerly

Through the restaurant<s ad>oining garden, we picked our way through the overgrowth,

stumbling over a rotten bench hidden by the grass and brambles 0 rusting barbecue paid testament

to the truth that there had been no punters staying here since, well, since never

0 peeping flash of the moon lit up the doors and illuminated the once brass numbers



CThirteenD, =ark grabbed the handrail which promptly disintegrated in disinterest Pey in

hand, he scrabbled about the door searching for the lock 0 fruitless task without the aid of the

moon, which took a full minute to reappear from behind a particularly thoughtless cloud =ark

stepped back in confusion, there was no lockQ and never had been

Chat the hellFD Trying and failing to dismiss superstition from our minds, we pulled at thedoor 2tubborn resistance met our frustrated yankings on the handle The all-pervading damp had

worked its mo>o on the door and frame and nothing short of the idea of spending the night out was

going to defeat it

CTake that you fuckerHD =ark cried, both hands on the handle, chest muscles straining The

door flew open, depositing him into the hole where the top two steps had been

CuckHD

ortunately no personal in>ury was sustained except to his ego and we both leant forward into

the room looking for a light switch

CEo powerHD

This type of Eeanderthal camping really wasn<t working for us 0 cracked window allowed

the now unobscured moon to illuminate the wooden bunk, (devoid of mattress) and the network of

cobwebs that covered every inch of every surface !t took serious thrashings with a stick from the

safety of the doorway for =ark to dispense with these noxious creatures and their disgusting arse

weavings sufficiently for me to enter

The need to remove all trace of sticky gossamer and green algae from my hands, led me backinto the wasteland of a garden 5y the remains of the barbecue ! had spotted a ceramic, butler-style

sink and as the restaurant lights were now well and truly off, it seemed the only likely place for

water The tap was surprisingly unrusty and turned without difficulty 0 rush of air preceded a

rumble from the bowels of the earth and a single drop of brown water sat in my palm %ockH

The whole affair was too dull to continue with and we retired to our sleeping bags, spread out

along the wooden boards of the supposed bed 0s we got uncomfortable, a cloud of bats flew across

the moon

Cucking insects,D we muttered, which technically we knew they weren<t

*

The ups and downs of the Transylvanian mountains had dwindled to mere pimples of their

former selves as we re>oined the 3anube along the stretch known as the A!rongates< ere the river

narrowed dramatically with cliffs flanking either side as we rolled into the haven of #rsova This

was a fact that delighted us as the narrow mountain roads and lack of purveyors of fine caffeine had

started to piss us off 0 ramshackle selection of cowsheds populated with peasants, did not a village

make, nor in our recent experience, a decent cup of coffee !n #rsova, having filled up with caffeine

of dubious Kuality, we set out to track down accommodation, Kuality or otherwise, in the larger,



nearby town of 3robeta-Turnu 2everin

inding hotels, tourist or otherwise rather thin on the ground, (as in bugger all) and

conseKuently soon finding ourselves at the opposite end of town roomless, =ark half-nelsoned a

2everinian rudgingly he led us to a large building set several streets back rom the outside it was

indistinguishable from a large grey stone building, we couldn<t guess its function, but on entering, itscreamed hospitalB bodies composting Kuietly, organs and spare limbs piled in corners and butch

blokes in fishnets and aprons e began to think that our guide had mixed up Ahotel< with Ahospital<

(an easy mistake as we are often looking for a night<s sleep and end up with a vasectomy)

!t seemed there was no mistake on this occasion however, as the ead oncho greeted us

warmly, hands were shaken then gingerly placed back on the pile by the door 2ign language

indicated the offer of accommodation for the night as we were shown to a room, empty save for

bare walls and an even barer metal bed !t seemed churlish to turn down such comfort and

hospitality, them having gone out on such a limb but even the inside of : 'dgar oover would

surely have been more agreeable Eevertheless, this was an adventure and who knew where we

would end up sleeping later on G this would be good practice

aving locked the tandem to something solid round the back and put our panniers in the

room, we set off to find whatever food was available in town and to have a nose around !n the

event this took very little time as having eaten we lost our stomachs for sightseeing and thus were

back all too soon, to find half the inmates in our sleeping bags, wearing our clothes and drinking our

.B& oil, but making no attempt to hide it The ead oncho guy apologised and explained incharades that most of his staff had the !; of a fridge magnet and he would be happy to get our

possessions back off them with unwarranted violence aving retrieved most of our belongings (the

oil was long gone) he seemed perplexed at our insistence that we would push on for the night but

directed us to a nearby campsite whose existence we had failed to discover on our earlier

investigations 'veryone turned out to wave us off and having waved the tandem off, we realised

maybe we should be the ones riding it, pulled the inmates off and made our excuses and escape

That night whilst laying in our ridiculously cramped tent, the sound of lugubrious singing

floated across the 3anube e had originally intended to be in fucking Iugoslavia but now we

weren<t and we didn<t care *omania was turning out to be, if not the ideal holiday destination,

certainly nothing like it had been predicted in the press before we left =aking another mental note

to trust more to our own >udgment, we lay for what seemed like hours listening to the drone of

voices wash over us until =ark<s heartfelt

C3o you know, shut the hell uppa ya facesFD summed up our desire to get the fuck to sleep

*

0s we sped towards the border that would take us into 5ulgaria, it was once more into the

countryside and the&9??<s !t was a morning for road kill and we amused ourselves with the



business of mentally recording the full range of wildlife that we might have seen had we been >ust a

few hours earlier !n order to have something to while away the long evenings, what was needed

here was a portable road kill press, similar in design to a portable flower press, but rather more

agriculturally built to cope with the larger specimens we noted as we passed !t was hard to contain

one<s excitement at the thought of what one would find by the side of the road by the time we hit0sia properH

*

aving stopped for a snack that could very well have been mechanically-recovered arse, we

remounted and rounding the corner saw in the distance a large river blocking our way hat in the

wide, wide world of fried chicken was this uninvited slurry of disease and dysenteryF =ark had

made no mention of a river crossing, largely he explained staring at our outdated school atlas of a

map, because he didn<t frickin< well know there was one This, it seemed, was *omania<s

amateurish attempt at a border with 5ulgaria

iguring they must at least have had the decency to provide a bridge, or a ferry or a

mechanical penguin, we put the map away and rolled on until de>a vu struck and before us sat the

most highly decorated weebil in history

Cashish, narcoticsFD eebil<s double intoned

Ce are definitely not bad boy gangstasHD =ark muttered

****

Chapter .ulgaria - World Cup *tops Pla(

CoooooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllllHD

#ur hopes were dashed This was the second goal in ten minutesH

aving run the gauntlet of eebil number two, Team 2ydney had narrowly escaped anotherexhaustive trio of cavity searches and were finally on 5ulgarian soil and had been for several hours

5ack at the *omanian border with eebil number two, our reKuest to exchange our remaining

*omanian @ei had met with amusement on his side and resignation on ours 5eing modern day

urban warriors with vending machine mentality, we decided to see if any of it fitted into the slots in

5ulgaria, assuming civilisation had advanced far enough for these mobile bastions of haute cuisine

to have penetrated this far

=eanwhile we had spotted the Aferry< that would finally allow us onto 5ulgar soil 0 floating

metal platform pulled along a chain across the river might simply have been described as a Achain

ferry< in shoddy travel writing, but we always are prepared to go that extra millimetre 0fter



standing holding the tandem for a good hour, the platform had filled up with a couple of trucks and

cars and we were off at the speed of a deceased greyhound

The Aferry< had docked, if bumping up against a rotting landing stage can be called Adocking<

several hours ago and since then we had all stood outside the 5ulgarian border building waiting for

the customs officers to appear and welcome us to their Abeautiful country< The hold up, apart fromthem being Aa bunch of gunts< in =ark<s opinion, was the ootball orld %up 5ulgaria were

playing Turkey or 2amoa or The Eew Iork :ets or someoneN

C!t<s *omania actuallyD =ark butted into my monologue

Nand until the game ended, they were supremely disinterested in whether or not a bunch of

foreigners were dying to visit their beautiful country and return with tales of how they<d fallen in

love with the place and been made to wait half their adult life at the bloody border

CTheengs arrre not looking good my friendsD the guy lounging against the wall opposite

informed us

!t wasn<t making any sense to my brain, totally taken up as it was, with being frustrated This

guy was *omanian, his team were apparently thrashing the nuts off their neighbouring rivals and

yet he seemed as disappointed as a football widow on %up inal 3ay

C! love my countryD

C0 meaningless phraseD ! was desperate to retort CIesFD ! said instead

C5ut if 5ulgarians lose, ! promise you, we don<t get through tonightD

C5ollocksHHDC'xcuse me, my 'nglish is limitedD

C2!THD

C2hit indeedH ! have business meeting in 2ofiaD

Cell, we<re on a fucking mission and no bloody lame-arse, bastard 5ulgar orld %up losers

are going to stop usHD =ark growled

C0gain, ! have no understanding of what you saysD

5ut =ark was too deep in muttering nonsense thoughts to respond

CEo *omanian visa, that was cancelled on leaving Eo 5ulgarian visa as we hadn"t been able

to obtain one in @ondon, and no chance of getting one this year if the bunch of muppets they call a

football team carry on losing 5rilliantH 2o we can<t go forward, can<t go back %ondemned to float

around forever, living on that barge, begging for sperm and luncheon meat in no-man<s-land hat

about when we get oldHHD

$enaltyH ord came back

C$enaltyF or whomFD ! demanded

C*omaniaD

hat are the chances of them missingF ! asked



Cith that 5ulgarian yoghurt in goal, EilHD

This was far from encouraging and frankly we were losing patience with the whole thing

CooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllllHD

e slumped on the wall

Ce are doomed, my friends Tonight, ! fear we sleep like dogs, curled in the mud, withouthome or hopeD

Eot for the first time, we wondered why so many people we had met spoke like characters

from a pretentious travel book

C5ollocksH e<ll never get across nowHD ! whined

5ut =ark was off on one and no one was going to intervene

histling Kuietly and not in the least bit inconspicuously, he sidled past the lone soldier on

guard duty to the fence, his mind checking out the banks of barbed wire and searchlights

Sndaunted by the scale of the task before him, he informed me, he figured he could clear the height

with enough run up and an iron determination, erein lay the first hurdle, getting sufficient run up

wasn<t going to be easy That kind of thing could get a man noticed, spotted, shot down There was

also the small matter of the tandem

C3etails, detailsD =ark muttered

0 filing cabinet crashed through one of the windows of the border hut, landing at the feet of a

small huddle of disheartened would-be travellers =ark pointed out their headless chimpanLee

reaction and gave thanks for having the sense to make our attempted escape alone #ne weak linkcould blow the whole plan out of the water

CaterH That<s itHD

To our left, ran a small canal of mud brown sludge, populated with vague shadows of reeds

and other assorted bog dwelling plants The light from the moon >ust allowed one to pick out its

course to the tributary which >oined the main river

0ll we had to do, ! was informed wasN

Cas sit your arse back down and waitHD ! interrupted

ith a sigh, =ark agreed, admitting that he didn<t really think that riding the tandem

underwater would have Kuite worked anyway

C !t would have churned the water up too much, someone was bound to have noticed itD

C%ould be, or our demented thrashings as we drowned might have been spotted firstD !

suggested

C$ossibly, possiblyD

#ur fellow comrades in waiting had long stopped fretting and now sat despondent on

anything to hand or arse !nside the hut, the screaming had reached biblical proportions, silenced

momentarily by the sound of the T7 being shot



Cinal score - three B nilD #ur informant had wandered over and resumed his self-appointed

commentary duties 5ehind him, the sounds of a full-scale battle broke out inside the hut The

waiting crowd grabbed their scattered baggage from the vicinity for fear that the flames protruding

through the broken windows would take hold

The lone guard who had shown no interest in the game inside now stepped forward andgesticulated to everyone before him $ulling a rubber stamp from his pocket, he motioned the

nearest punter forward

C! hate football,D he volunteered by way of explanation $assports were pulled forth with

unmitigated relief ith every stamp, dollars were pocketed, insufficient offerings receiving a

pointed withholding of the magic mark until the insult had been made good 0s the crowd

dispersed, the guard turned to no one in particular and tapped his pocket C! love footballD

*

!n 5elogradcik the peeling wallpaper in the state run hotel offset the flaking plaster nicely

owever the view of the town<s very own mini rand %anyon from the window more than made up

for the hotel<s shortcomings 0nd down in the town, 5elogradcik >ust kept piling on the pressure to

be 5ulgaria<s answer to =onte %arloB an open-air cafU with pumping rock music and halfway

drinkable drinks =aybe 5ulgaria was going to turn out to be the pearl among the gallstones, the

>ewel in the %ommunist %rown after all

Snfortunately in the aisles of somewhere that had all the hallmarks of a supermarket save for

the lack of anything to actually buy, we walked up and down despondently revising our hastysurmise The checkouts stood empty *ows of >ars stretched into the distance, all filled with

cherries !n the next row, pickled vegetables and in the third something that looked like dogs<

innards floating in indiscriminate shite 0 loaf of bread crumbled into dust as =ark went to pick it

up 0ny lack of choice that presented itself was more than made up for by the ample Kuantities of

the limited choice available, if, and it was a big if, you wanted what was available #n the food

front at least, 5ulgaria was already embarrassing itself

5ut then over the next few days we discovered the yoghurt !t looked, and to some degree

tasted, like snot but mix it with the plentiful cherries available and it was really Kuite good, if you

ate it Kuickly #nce more 5ulgaria had pulled itself back from the tourist abyss in our estimation

5ut the roller coaster ride was to continue 0s we rolled on through the 5alkan mountains,

beautiful wooded hillsides fought with buses and lorries chuffing out foul fumes into our lungs and

craLed insects parachuting down our backs, stabbing us with doLens of tiny poison umbrellasO

*(oogle >ulg!ri!n "ecret "ervice / ?oison @mbrell!s8

C et that f-ing insect off meHD =ark yelped, leaping off the bike and tearing his shirt off his

back

Cell if you<d stand still rather than break-dancing around the place, ! willD



0nd the campsites proved >ust as variable, varying from poor to diaboloical !t seemed to be

one long succession of expensive Asites< with either no facilities, or ones in a similar state of

disrepair to the economy

0s we stumbled from yet another damp and rotting office to yet another damp and rotting

pitch we also reflected that there was a fine line between being unfriendly and not being friendlyand the 5ulgarians seemed to have got it down to a fine art Their insistence on putting all their

signs, including road signs, in cyrillic was also unhelpful to Tommy Tourist as was their custom to

shake their heads to signify Ayes< and nod them for Ano< The farcical scenes that followed were

more suitable to a @aurel and ardy show than an !nternational cyclists< scrapbook

ith the hills finally easing off we thought perhaps 5ulgaria would show a softer side once

through the wooded curtain, but it remained an iron one, if somewhat rusty !ndeed almost

immediately signs of habitation were coming thick and fast irst the bleak industrial Kuarter and

then further on into the bleak residential Kuarter we rode, not knowing what town we were in

-7ratsaF 3imitrovgradF 2vilengradF radgradF 2couring the map (which wasn<t in %yrillic) helped

little and the general population seemed unwilling or unable to assist us in our search for a place for

the night

Eevertheless, rewards come to those who are willing to cycle kilometre after kilometre for

what they are looking for and don<t stop until they get it 0nd what we were looking for was a safe,

secure bolt holt for the night where we had a sporting schance of checking out with at least of most

of what we checked in with *omania had made us a little paranoid and 5ulgaria to date hadn"tproved a welcome bosomO to lay one"s weary head on e knew that if had we"d travelled the 5lack

2ea coast rather than our chosen inland route, touristic places of the sort we sought would have been

easier to find, but the coastal route was a pile of cock 0dded to this, the only time =ark had

ventured there on his only previous trip to the then 'astern 5loc, he"d had everything stolen,

including his bike and been arrested - neither experience of which we fancied repeating

'ventually we came upon a Atourist resort< of possibly sufficient siLe to warrant it actually still

being in operation 3ouble bonus, it was surrounded by a large fuck-off fence owever, it then

played the >oker, this hid the fact that our "tourist resort" had all the hallmarks of a rat infested

borstal of a correction house

*:o m!tter !r' h!d gron !n honor!ry p!ir5

aving completed the usual formalities with the usual surliness on one side and civility on the

other, marking the box with a huge imbecilic cross, we affirmed our complete incomprehension of

and agreement to comply with the rules The only >ob remaining was to shove up the tent, detach

and sling the panniers into it and piss off !n effect removing the bags was now a rather laborious

>ob as the Aspecial patented Kuick release< catches that held the panniers to the rack had all broken

and our bungees had been pressed into service as temporary replacements



Eevertheless, rewards also come to those who have no real plan except to straggle the few

yards into town to the first eating establishment regardless of merit #n entering the small roadside

restaurant on the edge of town, we found it full of men and women with big hairy tashes, and kids

without, tucking in to mounds of what looked suspiciously likeN decent foodH The manager, we

assumed, hurried up and with the best charades made it clear that this was a private do and therestaurant was closed This was serious, the only tasty-looking food we had seen since entering this

country was being snatched from our grasp !n emergency situations such as this, our intellect

expands to something like the level of 'instein<s when he came up with that wonderful theory

everyone knows but no one understands or really gives a toss about =ark was sure he heard a few

words of Turkish at the table and Kuick as a flash of light (+++&+ms according to him of the craLy

hair) sprinkled the few phrases of Turkish he could still remember in the air and let them do their

magic The result of which was us embraced by all and sundry and a place made at the table for us

to pass the afternoon and be merry or they were 5ulgarian Turks, of which there were many in

this part of the country 3iscouraged from speaking Turkish and often refused passports to leave,

they tended to stick together and when allowed, do the Turkish thing 0nd one thing the Turks do

well is celebrating (in this case a birthday) and being ultra-hospitable to guests who knew how to

say Aello, are you TurkishF<, A! like kebab<, A0ttaturk was a great man<, Ahere does this dolmus

go toF< and A! love you please<

2everal hours later as we staggered back to the campsite wondering if we would burst before

we arrived, we found ourselves of but one mind (sometimes one mind is better than two)C@et<s get the hell out of this busted arse country 020$ and into TurkeyHD

****

Chapter 2 Turke( - a Weasel in the Works

!nto Turkey of course meant across the border and into the country proper, not let<s go spend

another couple of hours entertaining the border guards and this time we didn<t have to 0part from a

brief interrogation when our tent was mistaken for a listening device and =ark<s brand of heavy-

handed humour went unnoticed, A#k, ok, you got me, it<s a satellite receiver dish and the poles stick

up my arseQ these bits make the dish and ! beam secret information about what you put in your

kebabs back to 'ngland<, the border crossing passed off without ma>or incident and we were soon

spinning our way towards 'dirne and nirvanaB we could stay where we liked, do what we liked and

more importantly eat what we liked and did we intend to eatH



*

aving made short work of the distance to 'dirne and even shorter work of finding a hotel

where the owners were welcoming and happy to lock the tandem away safely, we set off on our

culinary trail 0dana kebab and kofte with side orders of lentil soup (tercumek) and green beans

(fasulie) were washed down with litres of thirst-Kuenching ayranB a salted yoghurt drink that waseKually orgasmic administered externally or internally

3ouble fisting on @amachuns, a poor man<s ground beef piLLa which cost nothing and tasted

sumblime, we ambled around the sKuare by the hotel and on to 'dirne<s most famous landmark, a

wrestling ring, the contests held there attracting perverts from all over the 5alkans The Asport< in

Kuestion is of the Turkish variety where with grand ceremony, doLens of blokes, burly as carthorses

with arms of boiled ham, strut into the ring in their pants, oil each other up and then sKuirm around

trying to get a grip on each other<s tackle 0 cross between sumo and the , the victor is

declared only when all other opponents have been upended onto the greasy pile of human body

parts and only he is standing

e continued our cultural and culinary tour by knocking in to a couple more lamachun before

investigating the main mosKue Thoughtfully waiting until we had finished our food before entering

a house of 0llah and all that, we discovered we really needn<t have bothered !nside, people prayed

undisturbed by the ladies hoovering the acres of hand woven carpets covering the floor and the kids

running up and down, shouting and playing *ather different to the behaviour expected in a church

back home, but then again, if everything were like home, what would be the point in leavingF(Snless you lived in 2lough of course)

Iou are rarely pestered by a pssterer either, but then

C$sst G you wanna see my minaretFD a conspiratorial voice called from the shadows of a

pillar

CEo thanks, !<ve got one of my ownHD =ark replied

C$sstD

This guy was insistent

C Iou wanna see my minaretF 5eautiful view of %ity, you come, yesFD

!t was the old git and his pipe-sucking scenario all over again, but this time we gave in easily

as climbing a minaret was number &??+ on our list of &??& things to do before we died !n our

afternoon off mode, even though graciously accompanied by =r $sstH, the steep, narrow flight of

stairs seemed endless 'ventually we emerged onto the balcony that ran around the top of one of the

minarets and where, before the advent of mechanical speakers, the iman would three times a day

call the faithful to prayer at the top of his lungsQ which, given that he<d have >ust climbed all those

bloody stairs, was Kuite impressive



*

0nother day could easily have been spent in 'dirne wandering around the narrow back

streets, eating and, well, eating, but we were nearing the end of 'urope and 0sia was calling

%alling what neither of us were Kuite sure %ertainly not our stomachs, they were Kuite happy hereQ

maybe our imaginations then or maybe we both realised there was a hell of a long way still to goand as =ark sagely put it,

C The kebabs and lamachuns are bound to be >ust as good in !stanbulD

ad we thought about it during the two hundred odd kilometres that separated the two cities,

the one thing that was guaranteed to be worse however, was the traffic 5efore even reaching the

outskirts proper, the tandem was stuck in the most traffic-rich, traffic >am any !nternational cyclists

had ever had the displeasure of coming out in a nasty rash in

Team 2ydney had covered almost five thousand kilometres (three thousand miles) so far but

we were seriously wondering if we would survive much further as motorbikes weaved in and out,

climbing the central reservation and trucks tried to change lanes, regardless of whether it involved

sKuashing us like a purple bluebottle under their wheels !tching our way forward we could >ust

make out a Aelcome to !stanbul< sign further up the road

C!stanbul my arseHD =ark fumed, C!stanbollocks more likeHD

*

e woke up very bright and very early, but annoyingly the rest of !stanbul already seemed

halfway though their day 0lthough we were still geographically in 'urope, from the noise outsideour window, culturally we were definitely in 0sia where making as much racket as possible, for as

much of the day as possible, as early as possible is the most characteristic of 0sian traits

0s there was no point in laying in bed listening to everyone else not, we slipped on some cool

threads given the warmth of the weather and hit the streets looking to score some serious bread !n

fact, we did better than that, breakfasting Z la Turk on simmet, a type of seeded beagle or bagel and

borek, a flaky pastry layered with a feta-type cheese, and Turkish tea taken black in small glasses or

bardaks The man<s way to drink it was to place a large lump of sugar in the mouth and then sip the

tea through it The girl<s way was to swig it down and demand another

3odging the shoeshine boys who enthusiastically called for us to have our scuffed cycle shoes

shined, we trundled over to the !ranian 'mbassy, our main reason for risking life and limb by

coming to !stanbul in the first place That and the fact that geographically, it was all but impossible

to circumvent

The !ranian 'mbassy in @ondon hadn<t been too keen on our planned tandem trip across their

country but then again neither had they said no e had been forced to abandon the Kuest for a pre-

emptive visa as unhelpfully with its ridiculously short use by date, had we even managed to get our

sweaty paws on one, the bastard thing would have expired before we had even left 'urope 2o if the



trip was going to continue on course, (not that it had exactly done so up to this moment) we now

needed to nail that visa etting around Iugoslavia hadn<t been such a logistical problem, whereas

!ran, given its siLe and position, would be an entirely different proposition

$erched on arse-numbing chairs, we chaffed at the obligatory hour or so wait that seems to be

an essential feature of visa offices ow foolish as this is considerately built in to make one feelright at home straight away #ne can relax knowing that if one had been dying to have a few hours

to sit uncomfortably and do nothing but wait to ask for a visa off someone who has all the time in

the world for anything except issuing it, then this was that chance

0fter the reKuisite number of hours wait, as we hadn<t given up, or hung ourselves or

exploded, the weasel behind the counter beckoned us over with bad grace e obliged and

explained our simple reKuest for a visa to allow us to cycle across his beautiful, if somewhat desert-

like, country

CIou need to have obtain this in 0merica,D easel hissed "here you stinking !mperialist

0mericans come from" he added with his impressively bushy eyebrows

C'r, we could, but as we<re actually 5ritish, perhaps we could get one here, insteadFD

C5riteeshFD easel looked marginally less like someone had shoved a handful of faecal

matter under his nose, C Then you need to have obtain this in @ondonD

! explained why this was impossible and repeated his @ondon counterpart<s insistence that we

could obtain one in !stanbul

Crom here rom youD =ark added, hoping to speed things upC!s impossible Iou must return @ondon and get thereD

!t seemed a little unnecessary to point out that we were on a bicycle and @ondon was near-on

five thousand kilometres away

CThe embassy in @ondon definitely told us we could get a visa hereD

C3efinitely, no problemD =ark emphasisesd, stretching the truth >ust a little

C%ome back tomorrowD

C2oN if we come back tomorrow, we can have our visaFD

CIou come back tomorrowD

e looked around at the doLen or so people still waiting and the other staff in the middle of

enKuiries or the first time we noticed that we were the 'uropeans there *ather than have a stand

up row, retreat seemed the better, if less satisfying, option, so we ankled off

*

The following morning we were back, first ones in the Kueue ell, first 'uropeans anyway

hen our turn came, we were in luck easel was nowhere to be seen and the guy we button-

holed looked a Apushover< =ark informed me under his breath, though what he was basing this on, !

wasn<t Kuite sure G ! was normally the one to do an on-the-spot character assassination



hether he was right or not never got tested, as, on seeing us, matey disappeared out back

only to reappear with easel a moment later

C%ome back tomorrowD he dismissed

#bviously he thought he wouldn<t bother with yesterday<s opening pleasantries

C@ook, are you even open tomorrowFD ! challenged, C!t<s 2undayFDeasel sneered CIou come backND

CIes, tomorrow, well that would be very nice to meet up again, but if we come back

tomorrow, canND

e silenced me with a dismissive wave of his hand Ce closed now, you goHD or in arsi

Cuck Iou 5riteeshHD

%losedH They had only >ust openedH !t was fairly obvious that if we didn<t come up with a

different tack, this meeting was going to be even shorter than the last $erhaps weasel had been

reading the rather unflattering remarks in the 'nglish papers over the last few weeksF :ohn =a>or

had been complimenting easel<s $resident on his uncanny resemblance to a filthy lying toad

hatever it was, we had the distinct impression that if we left now, we might as well not bother to

return

0s the only reasons most countries have visas in the first place is

&) to piss other countries off in tit-for-tat exchanges

+) to obtain revenues from people coming to their country without actually being so crass as

to demand it at gunpoint (the old fashioned way)0s we could do little about the first, we decided to see if we could do anything about the

second,

C@ook,D ! started, in what ! hoped was a conciliatory tone, C! know normally we would have

got a visa in 'ngland, but we explained why that wasn<t possible $erhaps we could we pay extra to

get one hereFD

5ut ! was talking to a closed counter

!n a restaurant we ran over the events at the embassyQ we<d rather have run over the easel

with the M&4pm @ondon to 'dinburgh sleeper but Kue seraO The general assessment was that as

things stood, the chance of a visa was not good

* A phr!se o7ten used by people ho need ! good h!rd punch up the br!c'et5 :othing person!l5

The alternatives to going through !ran didn<t look that promising eitherB tango through

eorgia and the %aucuses where there was some heavy political shit going down and then rumba on

through *ussia and PaLakhstan to Eorth %hina G one hell of a detourH *outesville Eumber Two

would have led us to samba through 2yria or !raK (neither really very cycle-friendly) and then salsa

on to 2audi 0rabia and #man That would still leave the matter of bosa nova-ing a boat across the

ulf to Parachi 2till !nternational Tandemers are made of sterner stuffH 2terner stuff than what we



weren<t sure but neither of us relished the alternatives< alternative of taking a plane from !stanbul as

this would involve missing out most of Turkey as well as !ran and landing as far into $akistan as

!slamabad =iss out five thousand kilometres or more and leave us struggling to break that recordF

uck you easel and fuck your mongooseH e also new that if we started flying all over the place

at the first Ano<, we might as well book ourselves two tickets to 2ydney right now 5ut that wasn<tabout to happen, because when the chips are down, we super-siLeH

*

@ater that evening, back at the same restaurant, ! started to run over the events at the other

embassies we had reluctantly dragged ourselves to in the hope that someone, somewhere would

wave a magic wand and whisk us across their country in tandem-condition comfort thus solving the

*ubics %ube of !ran =ark interrupted

C@et<s sum things up KuicklyB and get onto the more important business of stuffing as much

kebab down our necks as is humanely feasible *ight, first off, The *ussian route- a big bunch of

cockQ The 2audi route - a big bunch of cock *ight, chicken or regular donnerFD

3rowning our sorrows in ayran didn<t really seem to be helping, so we switched to the local

red wine, Lel =armaras (literally Abeautiful =armaras< G hadn<t anybody looked at the state of

the waterH)

This was having more the desired effect until, starting in on the second bottle, the guy next to

us at the table went beyond the paleO Eow we believe in laisseL faire as much as the next mug who

has no real idea what it means, but this was too grossB ellow diners shluping up bowfuls of!skembe, a type of hot tripe soup with chilli powder, or guLLling on platefuls of tas kebab, basically

bull<s bollocks in a yummy bollock-based sauce and sheep<s head we could handle but sheep<s head

broiled in its own grey, fatty discharge complete with >uicy staring eyes, all consumed without the

aid of cutlery and with much slurping and picking of teeth was too much

*A bit li'e going beyond %the bl!c' stump% but ithout the &oos5

e were about to move ourselves to one of the ad>oining tables when =r 'ye-=uncher

spoke, spraying us with a light spattering of aKueous fluid,

C$ardon =onsieur et =adame 'xcuse me, but ! could not <elp but <ear you talkFD

! did a double takeB full =uslim dressF 5eardF %ircumcisedF 'ating with his handsFG not

unusual for 'yp where we were dining, it being one of the most traditional =uslim Kuarters in

!stanbul, but the outrageous rench accentF ! had to askB

C! hope you don<t mind me mentioning it, but you don<t sound like any Turk !<ve ever heardHD

CTurkHD he spat an eyeball across the table C! am renchHD

AEo shit< ! thought

Cbut ! was converted to !slam and now ! am fundamental =uslimD

=ark interrupted CThat<s a coincidenceH The landlord of our local was converted to :udaism



e kept his foreskin in a pickle >ar behind the bar e<d let you have a look if you askedD

renchy stared hard at =ark before continuing with his unreKuested life story, C=y imam say

to me go fight infidels with =u>ahadeen brothers in 0fghan against infidel *ussiansO ! was in>ured

in mad dog fightD

*A7gh!nist!n 7or m!ny ye!rs h!s been one o7 the most popul!r tourist destin!tions 7irst !ttr!ctingl!rge numbers o7 &ussi!ns !nd l!ter discovered by Americ! !nd >rit!in5

=ark interrupted againB C! got caught in a mad bitch fight once Eever get between two

women, !<ve still got the scarD

renchy glared at him for a second time and then continuedQ C ! was smuggled out to <ere and

<ave been <ere ever since

CascinatingHD #ur ploy of turning our back against the constant stream of sheep<s cranial

fluids and retinal shrapnel, whilst ignoring our uninvited companion did nothing to deter him

C 0nd now my imam say ! must go back to 0fghanistan and risk being <orribly mutilated or,

or Nreturn to @a rance and convert Lem to !slamHD

! ducked as a mouthful of scrotal debris coughed past my ear CTough choiceHD 3amnH ! had

been suckered inH

Snfortunately our companion was entirely disinterested in us and our finer sensibilities and

continental enough to show it, merely wanting some poor unsuspecting muppets to pour out the

constant monologue of diarrhoea that constituted his life up to this point $erhaps if we laid into this

droning muppet with our bare-knuckle best, we could insult him enough that he might fuck off andstick his nose in some other poor bastards< evening

Cuck #ff renchyHD

5ut it was as if =ark had said nothing

C 2o ! faxed to my imam and told <im ! go back to 0fghanistanNdrone, drone, droneND

This little cockmeister had more spunk left in him than we had thought

e had to lay it on thick, cut to the very Kuick of this lost soul<s anguish, rip him open like a

dung cabinetO

* A c!binet cont!ining l!rgely or mostly dung5

C2o you<re not returning to rance, sorry, @a ranceFD

C! cannot convert Le rench, my countrymen, it is madnessHD

Iea, now we were reeling this worm into our net e were nearing the pressure point and one

of us was going to buckle and if we didn<t raise our game, it was likely to be us Time to stick the

knife inB

C2o you<re going for the coward<s way, ehF Eot man enough for the >obH imping out

like the empty husk of the man you have becomeHD 2linking off back to 0fghanistan with

your tail between your legs, all on your lonesome, ehFD



C! knew you were going to go in hard love, but ouchH !nsulting a man<s, well, manhoodHD

=ark whispered

C ! haven<t mentioned his penis yetD ! blurted out, C !t<s on my to do listD

5ut it was all in vain !t seemed that ! had been too subtle, too tactful Tripe-face hadn<t even

noticed the inferences on his masculinity and >ust carried right onC Eo, ! do not return on my own Ris is my friend who is come to fight Le *ussian infidels

with meD

e indicated his neighbour, a guy in full %ossack brandishing a sabre, rearing up on a horse G

%rikeyH ow did we miss thatH

Ce must have been in our blind spotD

C#r that Lel =armaras must be stronger than we thoughtD

C5ut aren<t you *ussian, yourselfFD ! asked him in confusion C!sn<t %ossackland part of

*ussiaFD

CEoH !n my country we hate *ussianH @et me show you what we do to *ussian in my

beautiful countryHD

Throwing his steak in the air, he whipped out a knife from his belt and pinned his meat to the

wall with the dagger

C#wHD =ark cringed

@eaping over the table, %ossack %harlie pulled the steak off the wall, slung it on the floor,

sabre danced over it, set fire to it and slammed the now char-grilled and smouldering hunk of meatback onto his plate

There was silence as he sat back down with folded arms

0fter a few moments, =ark leant forwardB

C!f you<re not going to eat thatND

*

Co awayH Eo one hereHD

!t was hard to see where the voice was coming from, peering as we were through the letter

box into the gloom, but the message was clear enough The really irritating part was that we

couldn<t think of a suitably witty repartee to leave with roucho =arx or #scar ilde would have

probably come up with something a little more sparkling than Ae didn<t want to fly with

*omanian 0irways anywayH< shouted back through the letter box, but it would have to do for now

e could always return tomorrow, remind them of who we were, re-enact the conversation up to the

decisive moment and then deliver the killer riposte with perfect timing Snfortunately, once again,

this was real life and re-takes and edits if you fluffed your lines were a luxury denied to us #f

course there was always the old stalwart to fall back on of shoving something noxious through the

letterboxQ but being above such things and being unable to find anything suitable to hand, we



merely added Cuck you ladyHD and left

The *omanian 0irways office had been our last ditch resort, the broken biscuit at the bottom

of the barrel lying across !ran sucked and our efforts at finding out how to do so were desultory at

best and unenthusiastic at worst The Anormal< airways were way too expensive on our meagre

budget and too boring, after all, this was an adventure - Aould you like a window seat sirF<,A0nother cushion, madamF<, A0 Kuick fumbleF< >ust didn<t fit the bill - while the less common ones,

such as the *omanian state airways we had >ust left, generally seemed to think that their main >ob

was keeping paying passengers off their planes hy go to the trouble of setting up an airline and

advertising it in the first placeF

CTwatsD we concluded and left them to their twatery

Eow bereft of any sensible ideas, we hit rock bottom and dragged ourselves kicking and

scratching over to the 'nglish %onsulate There is no point in pussy-footing around, in our limited

experience we simply had never found the concept of an 'nglish consulate helpful 5ut this time, it

was differentB rather than being unhelpful, they were positively falling over themselves to rub our

faces into ground glass

C@et me get this rightB you are intending with your wife (pause for barely disguised mirth),

intending to cycle (pause for undisguised mirth) N on a tandem (spoken in a tone that suggested we

had actually said kid<s tricycle) across, across !ranHD (The last word pronounced with a silent

Acutthroats and murderers< inferred)

CThere<s nothing inferred about itD e sneered CThey are and they will Iou two wouldn<tmake it to TehranHD

Ce don<t intent to go to Tehran $erhaps with your assistance however, we >ust might be able

toN

CTo not go at allH That<s my advice, professional and personal, end of discussion Eow if you

don<t mind, ! have some serious enKuiries to deal withND

C@ookD =ark >umped in, C ! used to know Kuite a few !ranians and they were excellent

peopleN

The pompous moustache laughed long and hard e were unimpressed 2ure we knew that

most sources were singing the same line - T7, newspapers, the 5ritish overnment and so on, but

we believed firmly that there were no such thing as "evil nations" and the only people you needed to

look out for were the two-faced >ackals who told you these lies in the first place !t was however a

slightly sobering thought that we might actually be risking life and limbs (whose limbs we weren"t

sure) in testing out are belief- especially as once we entered !ran it would be well nigh impossible to

communicate with the outside world - mobiles, the internet, email, facebook being all things of the

future - even international dialing was almost impossible unless in a large town - and we intended

to steer clear of those



e came to and realised the consulateembassy >ackal was still droning on

C@isten, you two (deluded dwarves inferred) this is the most hare-brained idea !<ve ever

heard 3o yourselves a favour and forget itHD

#n the steps outside, we dusted ourselves off

C2ome people can<t take a >okeHD =ark complainedCho was >okingFD ! replied, Ce did look like a goat"s goochD

Cranted Eow, on to more important matters G what are we going to do, =rs TongFD

Cell, you know the drill hen the going gets tough and all about are losing their beds, or

something like that, the tough go visit the 5aLaar and find something stiff to drinkD

2o off we went

*

rankly the baLaar had been no real help *ather than stocked full of the answers we sought to

the problems vexing us, it was instead crammed full of items of Atouristic interest<O 0ll apparently

near priceless or near worthless 'ach whatchamacallit started off at least the price of a small

country but by the time we had walked past without replying to the one-sided haggling, each

salesman would successfully have browbeaten himself into selling it to no one in particular for the

price of a pair of worn socks, and thrown in another one worth twice the price of the first for free

2uch generosity however, failed to move us and we emerged the other end unencumbered by vast

amounts of crap that one would have to have buried or burnt the minute one got home

Cow about giving the spice market a once-overFD ! suggestedChy don<t you cumin this teahouse with me insteadFD =ark confused me

CIou whatFD

C2orry ! mint this coffeehouseHD

*crushingly dull

*

!n the gardens outside the baLaar, now free from the entire population of !stanbul trying to

flog us miscellaneous gubbins, it was easier to concentrate on the matter of the much-needed

!ranian visa

CThe way ! see itD ! started Cwe<ve got no choiceD

C#h, look at the cute bunnyH #h wow, your fortune toldHD

Cabulous, and how does that helpFD

! followed =ark<s wild pointing to a wiLened old git in a feL standing next to a sKuare box on

trestles made up of rows of tiny drawers, atop of which sat the Acute< white rabbit in Kuestion 0

sign propped up alongside boasted Aortunes told by the reat =ustapha<B though it failed to state

whether =ustapha was the git or the bunny

@ira handed over, we soon found out as without a word passing between them, the rabbit



strolled along the top of the box, leant over, pulled a draw open with its teeth, extracted a tiny roll of

paper and held it up for us to take Snfurling the tiny slip of paper with difficulty, ! was able to

make out the followingB

A*oses are red

7iolets are blue!<m a psycho wabbit

0m ! going to kill youF<

CThat<s no goodHD =ark complained, C!t<s suppose to tell us, not leave us guessingHD

eeling that ! was in danger of losing all literary direction, ! dynamited the sniggering bunny

and ended the scene

*

iguring the new panniers from Parrimor should be waiting for us $oste *estante, we made

enKuiries at the central post office and were told any such parcel would obviously need to be

collected at the out of town depot %ycling into !stanbul had been more than enough for us, so

leaving the tandem behind we found a dolmusO going our way and >umped aboard Three of these

chaotic mini-buses later, we arrived at the $# in some gawd-forsaken outskirts and asked for our

parcel 0n hour and ten different windows later and we were the proud owners of a brand new set of

no-stitch-um panniers $erhaps these would last a little longer =aybe even to the end of TurkeyF

*A type o7 children%s dog sled . pronounced %doll.mush%

*The following morning after breakfast and a bit of domestic nonsense later, we girded our

loins and two-stepped towards our moment of truthB billed as a grudge match between the arsi

erret and the 5int from 5lighty, this one was going to go the distance

0fter the obligatory hour cooling our heels, the contest was onH

CIou need to have obtain this in @ondonD easel opened

C They said we need to have obtain this hereD ! countered

C!s impossible Iou must return @ondon and get thereD

! held my ground CThe embassy in @ondon definitely told us we could get a visa hereD

CIou go 'mbassy @ondonD

Eot this old tune again G it was time to change the recordH

Ce can<t, it burnt down, someone stole itD

CIou go @ondonD

C2omeone stole that as wellD

CIou come back tomorrowD

C2omeone<s pre-emptively stolen tomorrow %an we have our visaFD

C%ome back tomorrowD easel was tiring but still full of spunk, or some similar noxious



bodily fluid

Snfortunately for him though, this was a tag match, so pulling on the tights, =ark became

The Sndertaker rom ounslow est (it didn<t even illiterate, but he liked the outfit) 2wapping

places with me, he prepared to bury this sucker

e didn<t bother with opening pleasantriesC@ook, are you even open tomorrowFD e challenged, C!t<s 2undayHD

easel looked confused Tomorrow was TuesdayH CIou come backND

C@ook, are you even open tomorrowF 0re you even an 'mbassyF 0re you even a real

weaselFD Chat ! mean is ND =ark hurried onB sometimes people who seemed to have shown only

a tenuous grasp of 'nglish suddenly discovered, at inconvenient moments for us, that they were

actually educated at #xford CNwe<re trying to do you a favour here, we don<t want a diplomatic

incident, do weFD

easel was losing the thread, CIou come backND

CIes, tomorrow, well that would be very nice to meet up again, but tomorrow never comes,

but once a neverHD

Ce closed now, you goHD

C ! discussed this point only this morning with the 0yatollah Phomeini and he reckoned you

don<t close till 4??pmD

easel was out of his depth, C 0yatollahNFD 0s the gent in Kuestion was actually dead, =ark

felt he needed to get more currentBC 2orry, ! meant the 0yatollah Phamenei, or Phamel or Phamenandhaveanicecupoftea, ! can<t

remember, but the point isND e turned to me and hissed C hat was the bloody pointFD

! >umped back in the ring before weasel had a chance to regroup, CThe point is we are cycling

across your country in aid of the arsi-cal %harity supported by every ma>or world government and

organisationD

C'xcept 0merica of courseHD =ark was back on form

Cell obviously not 0merica, we wouldn<t have anything to do with that papier mache tiger,

that imperialistic, >ean-wearing, coke-drinking, >ive-talkinD

=ark poked me hard in the nether regionsO, C! think =r eas, =r, !<m sorry, we never did

catch your name, has got the gistD

*:ether po'e someone you don<t 'no here !s you !re li!ble to end up in court5

easel looked beat, Aet these camel shit for brains out of my office< written all over his

odious face,

CIou want visa #k, visa cost, you pay nowD

e<d done itH *esisting the urge to high five, we body popped instead 2teadyH my brain

corrected, it<s not in your hot sticky palm yet =y hand was anything but steady though, as ! hastily



reached inside the handlebar bag without thinking and, feeling the shape of the passports at the

bottom, yanked them out before rodent-face changed what little mind he had 0long with the

passports came a flurry of sandwich crusts, riLlas andNdollars The notes wafted as if on some

hidden breeLe towards the other side of the counter and came to rest in front of weasel<s popping

eyes! might as well have added Cey boy, Sncle 2am<s hereH reenbacksH C and then fanned them

out and rubbed them on his nose while =ark flicked a fifty-cent piece across the counter with a

wink and a CThat<s for you, sonny, from the good ole S2 of 0H 3on<t you go spending it all at

once nowHD

0fter a silence that probably lasted less time than it took to read this sentence, but seemed to

go on longer than the $leistocene era ! coughed, C'r, how much is that inNdollarsFD

*

!t wasn<t that weasel had said no, >ust that he hadn<t exactly said yes either 0pparently our

application had to be countersigned by his boss, his boss< boss, his boss<N and so on ad infinitum

up to and including The !ranian $arliament and the big 0 himself, although as =ark was talking to

him only that morning, easel remarked caustically, he could have asked him then 0nd as to how

long all this bollocks might take, easel was as vague on this point as we were on the geography of

estern 0Lerbai>an

There really wasn<t much more to be done but keep moving, so we resolved to push on

towards the !ranian border and ring everyday until sheer persistence won the day, or we arrived atthe border and set fire to ourselves 0 pointless protest but hey we didn<t invent the art form e

made light of the lack of visa, but we both new that if we arrived "sans visa", the alternatives looked

bleak e also new that even if weasel did command us back to !stanbul, the liklehood was that we

would get the runaround again owever, our credo is "never ever give up8% e have lived and died

by this credo ell, not died obviouslyQ if things prove a little fraught, then sometimes one credo

can morph into another as in %never ever give up% morphing into "ell e<ve given it go m!ybe e

should drop it no"Nafter all, credos come and go, this is a consumer society

#n this occasion however, there really was no choice 2o the drill would beB pester, pester,

pester as we grooved on through 0sia =inor until easel crumbled, as crumble he must, and then

*esultsvilleH The visa verbally agreed, it would >ust be a matter of finding a helpful native to house

the tandem while we hot-coached it back to !stanbul and 7isaville The precious piece of paper

stamped in our passports, or on our foreheads, or arses for that matter, so long as we had it, we

didn<t care about the details, it would be back to the tandem and on with the daily grind of

!nternational %elebrity %ycling

2o with the sun shining, hope in our hearts and smog in our lungs, we set out from !stanbul

and headed up towards the 5lack 2ea and Ronguldak, roughly three hundred sweat-filled kilometres



away

#ur chosen route Eorth, scooted along the 5lack sea as, unlike 5ulgaria, Turkey boasted two

coasts and the 5lack 2ea was the =editerranean"s poor white, well black actually, cousin %ooler

than the =ed and with the omnipresent black sand making the sea appear darker than a golliwog<s

gooch, the 5lack 2ea was the wet dream of choice on this occasion as most tourists (and thustraffic) stuck to the beaches in the south This left the open road for the wild dogs of cycling that we

were, or would have been if over the next few days, our stomachs hadn<t been as up and down as

the roller coaster road The pollution in !stanbul, along with some anal invaderO of a bastard bug we

had picked up there, had left us both with throat and chest infections and dodgy stomachs

*uch li'e sp!ce inv!ders both being !lien li7e 7orms

Eevertheless, such a road had to be ridden hard and rough, rough and hard, manO and

machine tested to the limitH 0s we flew down and round a particularly sweeping corner, the tandem

obliged by reaching the limit on a scattering of gravel, thoughtfully provided by one of the

overladen lorries that lumbered up and down Eot satisfied with this, it then went beyond the call of

duty 0lready committed, we could do nothing except watch the tyres slip on the loose surface and

lose all credible contact with the tarmac 0s the bike slid out from under us, ! >ust had time to reflect

that the next few seconds might hurtNKuite a lot

* (et over it (erm!ine

*

0s the dust cleared ! could make out the bike further down the road upside down on thehandlebars, front wheel still spinning 2ometimes being right is not as satisfying as it should be and

this was irritatingly one of those occasions oing down big style like one whale on another had

resulted in serious gravel rash, a generous side order of cuts and bruises followed by a dessert of

split, leaky head

Eow we have never chosen to run with the herd and regurgitate stupid expressions that are as

meaningless as the livers of those who repeat them aving followed up failure to secure our visa in

!stanbul with a double dose of illness, and now on top of it all, a wipe out, in which it seemed on

first wince we had inflicted serious damage on the tandem and ourselves, we could have chosen to

utter such phrases as C:ust our luckHD or Chy do these things always happen to usD or C:esus, !

think !<ve split me kneecapHD but not usH !nstead, =ark chose to utter a strange high-pitched sound

not unlike an asthmatic albino strangling a cow

* We !re in no !y rein7orcing the stereotype th!t !lbinos str!ngle domestic livestoc'5

! struggled into an upright position and waited a seemly amount of time,

Cinished nowFD

C=ight be Iou alrightFD

ConderfulH e should do that more often EotHD



aving recovered our composures and most of our skin of the road, we limped over to the

traumatised tandem, righted it and gave it a good hard slap

C$ull yourself togetherHD

#n first inspection, apart from there being no paint remaining and a dent in the top tube,

suspiciously the siLe and shape of =ark<s bollocks, the frame itself had mostly survived the ordealEot so the ancillariesB the feeble rear rack was now a mangled mass of metal filings, the mudguards

splintered plastic and one of the new only two day old rear panniers had a giant tear in it - so much

for Parrimor"s boast about being waterproof - we"d have a word with them about that

Eeither of us were Kuite steady enough to get back on and standing there pissing blood

seemed to be going nowhere, so we limped off down the road looking for somewhere convenient to

lick each other<s woundsB but then being on a tandem together for extended periods of time can do

that to people

e didn<t have far to go as a village soon popped up, which was handy as our rate of progress

would have embarrassed a legless liLard and leaving the road we wheeled the tandem the short

distance to the dirt sKuare

#ur appearance had attracted a crowd before we had even left the main road as word

doubtless spread Kuickly that a ma>or newsworthy event had >ust ridden, or rather limped, into the

sorry back water they called home

5y the time we had spotted a water pump and made our way to it, more people than could

surely live in the few houses visible, were crowding around us, pointing, shouting and invading ourpersonal space as only a born and bred 0sian can %learly we were the most exciting thing to have

happened so far in their stunted existence and they intended to make the most of it

0 straggle of dunces held the tandem, while a kindergarten of ragged urchinsO fought over

who was going to operate the village pump, which obviously supplied the entire population with

water and gave them somewhere to wash clothes or mildly haemorrhaging tourists

*the l!nd r!ther th!n se! v!riety

ith every gush of icy water that splashed over =ark<s cuts, he let out a sKueal that had the

whole crowd convulsed with laughter This however, was nothing compared to the reaction at me

helping him slap a packet of plasters on his bruised legs and ego The mirth that followed was

frankly embarrassing, given that it was all on their side

=ark was midway through strangling one of worst offenders when the crowd parted at the

approach of a smartly suited stranger !ntroducing himself as =urat, he glanced at =ark and offered

to act as a intermediary =ark, whose mood by now was not far short of a piranha holidaying in a

colostomy bag, demanded to know what exactly our onlookers found so Abloody funnyH< =urat took

him literally and having enKuired of the crowd, did his best to translate

C'veryone here think you are like, how you say in 'nglish, wimpy girlF Eo, sissy maybeD



=ark interrupted and said he understood the general drift and returned to the >ob in hand

C5ut no problemD =urat laughed as he rescued the bulging-eyed kid, C! am heroine seller and

have vanD

CeroineF Iou mean tea, surelyF (This travelogue was supposed to be a &+ certificate)

CIes, tea seller and have van, and friend in next town who own hotel %ome pleaseH Iourbicycle fit like glueD

e decided to let it go This wasn<t the time to dish out free 'nglish lessons, it was a time to

load the tandem in the back of the van, sink down into a couple of comfortable contoured seats and

let =urat and the wonderful invention that is the internal combustion engine ferry us in comfort to

what turned out to beN Ronguldak G resultH

*

#n arriving at the Asea-front< hotel, =urat<s friend was hospitality itself, plying us with chay

while he steadily downed a 0-R of gut-rot liKuor 2adly, after only half-an-hour of incomprehensible

chitchat, =urat had to go and sell more of the Atea< we were drinking, or there wouldn<t have been

any for us to drink tomorrow apparently, whilst =ark and ! pottered out in to the sunshine minus

tandem and luggage to Ado< Ronguldak

#ur idea of Adoing< a town largely consists of sitting in a teahouse, or peep show, or

eKuivalent and watch it go by #n the whole this was the best approach with Ronguldak, its main

claim to fame being the fact that most of !stanbul<s coal is sent by ship from here iven our

enfeebled state and the now mounting heat, trudging up and down sand and asphalt seemed astupid<s idea !nstead we reacKuainted ourselves with the unfeasibly steep hotel stairs and our

balcony, where had we been a giraffe-necked stag beetle we might >ust have glimpsed the sea,

standing on each other<s shoulders (if stag beetles have shoulders)

e hadn<t been back for more than an unspecified amount of time when a knock came at the

door,

C=eeester =ark and wife, ! <ave medicine for chestings and coughingsD

e thanked him even though the medicine in Kuestion was obviously a remedy for mastitis

and left him swaying dangerously back down the corridor, looking as if he might be in need of

medical attention himself by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs

alf an hour later and there was another knock

C=eeester =ark and wife, ! <ave some more medicines, for bellys painD

0fter handing over a crumpled box clearly found at the bottom of a dustbin, he staggered back

to what was obviously a lengthy liKuid dinner, this time making a complete hash of the stairs #ur

enKuiries from the top step as to whether he was ok met with no response, but not being trained in

first aid, we felt it prudent to leave him be and retired back to the room

0las he recovered and by &&B??pm, we were forced to hide behind the wallpaper, calling for



him to leave the growing pile of Amedicines< outside the door lest, tired, bruised and under the

weather as we were, the temptation to gather them all up and administer one giant intrusive enema

to our host proved too great

5y midnight, our inebriated Anurse< had finally got the Ahint< that we weren<t going to open the

door and a lurching shadowy form appeared on the balcony C=eeeester =ark =eester =arkND

*

#utside of Ronguldak the coastal road rolled on like a great snaking ribbon of liKuorice, day

after day of the sea on one side and other stuff on the other 2mall seaside resorts and towns were

plentiful enough to supply food and drink, and our vital organs all seemed to be on the mend

=aybe it was the sea air, or the easy (ish) progress or the easy access to ayran, but we felt at peace

with the world and all its assorted toss

@ife was sweet until we swung into the outskirts of 2inop and felt the wheels lose all contact

with the road surface 0s the bike slid out from under us, ! >ust had time to reflect that the next few

seconds might hurtN

C#oooooooooooowwwwwwwHD

CwwwwuckitHD

C! fink !<ve briken me >ewD

CIou whatFD

! gently sat up and moved my >aw back and forth a few timesC! said ! thought !<d broken my >awHD Chat<s that smellFD ! added, sniffing my clothing

=ark was doing the same C2niff your own, pervertHD

C#k, please yourselfD e took a deep breath

C3ieselH !t<s dieselH 3on<t panicH =ove away from the tandem calmly but speedily, in fact,

forget that, let<s get outta here before she goes up in a fireballHD

*emoving my finger from his eye, ! suggested instead we get out of the bloody road before

we became tarmac pate

@ike ourselves, on inspection, the tandem seemed to have no more than the expected

regulation scratches and dents about its person The rear rack, however, which we had been

temporarily mended with string after the last crash, was once again no more than a surly collection

of uncooperative metal ith no more string to hand, the bungees were pressed into service, the

result being serviceable but probably only as far as the first hotel $ractically in town, it seemed best

not to risk the chance of meeting another diesel spill further along the road so a Kuick decision was

made to veer off into the centre of 2inop, once again cutting less of an impressive figure than

befitted two international tandemists on entering a new town



*

2inop proved a slick stopover, both hotel and town proving a cherry-topped bonanLa The

owner of the first was happy to exchange some money for us as the banks were closed and in the

nearby back streets of the second, a small garage-cum-metal works set about repairing the rack

=arvelling at the tandem, two grease monkeys scurried about the business of repair while welauded it with tea and lamachun they"d kindly bought for us unasked from the chai shop around the

corner -we mused that by the time we had finished everything they pressed upon us, half their profit

would have gone 0s it turned out the other half went tooQ refusing payment, they swapped a

wobble up and down the road on the bike in lieu of that other thing

!n truth the wobbling was as much to do with the state of the wheels after thousands of

kilometres, as their lack of balance !ncredibly the custom made wheels had turned up at literally at

the eleventh, well, twelfth hour actually but even though the 2wiss-made 2un rims and forty-eight

3T spokes made the wheels almost indestructible (we hoped), this would only be the case as long as

each one was tensioned properly, and we didn<t crash more than once in every twenty-four hours

These brutes were a bastard even for pros to true and even being generous, =ark was not a true pro

as we both found anything and everything to do with cycle maintenance arse-numbingly dull e

had of course already "trued" the wheels on several occasions during the trip, impressively managing

to make them so sKuare that we felt like a couple of clowns on a circus bike (which we were rapidly

coming to the conclusion, was how the rest of the world viewed us) or so over-tightened that we

feared at any moment they would explode in a shower of pointy metal and impale us like a coupleof kebabs - Kuite appropriate really Eevertheless, once the smooth tarmac ran out as we hit 0sian

roads proper, with the punishment they were going to receive, nothing else would do

2o the afternoon was spent drinking even more tea in the garden of the hotel, randomly

tightening and loosening each spoke until it would have been more productive to return to the metal

works and have a set of solid frickin< wheels fabricated They might weigh more than the bike itself

and have the ride comfort and shock absorbency of a brick, but all the time saved truing the bloody

things could be spent gluing our backbones back together instead

@0S*0 ##3 $#!2#E!E #E %#0%

ith everything that could be ad>usted on the bike, ad>usted, (and this time not in a drunken

haLe), we sped from 2inop towards 5afra and 2amsun, a purple kilometre-eater, a streak of colour

and purpose as weN >ust kept going Eow half way towards the !ranian border, the lack of success

on the visa front was starting to prey on our minds e had rung the !ranian embassy religiously

since leaving !stanbul, but hadn<t even been able to get easel on the phoneQ only brush-offs from

well-versed underlings, CIou ring back tomorrowD

0s we finished our late brunch in a gastronomic flea pit opposite our hotel in 2amsun<s nether

regions, it was, once again, Atomorrow< and we headed for the phone #n autopilot, ! almost hung



up when the voice on the other end reached the standard reply, CIou ring backND only it didn<t

!nstead it deviated from the party line

CIou waitD it muttered and after most of our available change, the rodent-esKue tones of

weasel himself wafted down the lines #ur visa was readyH ! would have kissed him if he wasn<t the

other end of the country and one of the most repulsive creatures ! had ever had the displeasure tomeet - the sort whom you could tell, >ust from his photo, smelt at school !nstead ! slapped myself to

make sure it was real and then =ark, so he didn<t feel left out e had our visaH !ran was ours Eo

pissing about with pissy airlines or battling through battle Lones in the %aucases 0fter a short but

well earned victory parade, we informed the hotel of our plans and went in search of a coach

leaving for !stanbul that very afternoon

0mong Turkey<s chaotic infrastructureO is a transport system that is surprisingly effectiveB

almost anywhere in the country one can leap on a coach heading to almost anywhere else, day or

night, irrespective of whether or not anyone actually wants to, and in a town the siLe of 2amsun, it

took more time to find the bus station than it did once there to find a bus bound for !stanbul in the

next hour

*"ee %Asi!%%7uc'ed up in7!structure%

Turkey<s failing grace however, is the distances e had already cycled almost a thousand

kilometres on the slim chance that easel would capitulate and now he had it was by coincidence

almost a thousand kilometres by coach back to !stanbul and Turks like to drive suicidally fast,

elying more on 0llah than caution to arrive at their destination safely #ur driver was no exception2crambling off the coach at the first rest stop, we fell to our knees and thanked no one in particular

that we had been allowed to keep our film star looks and not been reduced to a mixed slurry of

metal filings, ground glass and human paste in that last near miss To calm our nerves vast amounts

of caffeine were needed, so we helped each other up and headed inside

or :oe Turk, coach travel eKualled comfort, speed and convenienceQ coaches abounded and

the roadside restaurants were open twenty-four hours a day to cope with the constant stream of

punters =ost of them could shake a stick at a sandwich, but as with all eating establishments that

cater entirely for passing trade, care had to be taken in choosing what to eat, especially when that

what might have been sitting there all day with only the sweating sun and flies for company The

problem was that we had left in a hurry so eager were we for that allusive visa and ! hadn<t eaten

since lunch

or most people this would >ust mean temporary malnutrition, but ! suffer sporadically with

hunger narcolepsyB failure to eat can sometimes result in lapsing into a near-coma from which ! can

only be roused by the smelling salt of a double cheeseburger @ike all Amedical< conditions, it<s not

clever and it<s nothing to emulate but it does bestow upon me a certain noteworthiness, particularly

when passing out and losing control of my bodily functions in a crowded coach ! needed food, !



needed it big and ! needed it in my mouth G right now %hoosing a faceful of the most innocuous

looking toasted cheese sandwiches, ! ignored =ark<s concerns about their dubious hygiene and

freshness and ate my weight in sweaty, opaKue cheese and plaster dry bread

alf an hour after the coach had left the restaurant and we had crossed what mark informed

me, was the 'uphrates, it became clear that my stomach disagreed with my decision ONviolently !might have needed something, but it wasn<t those sandwiches and my guts were Kuite insistent on

giving them back G big timeH =aybe it<s >ust me but ! feel pro>ectile vomiting is best reserved for

friends and close family and the occasional funeral wake aving only >ust got going, the driver,

was unwilling to pull over for some daffy tourist who should have stuck to the dish of the day, until

=ark pulled on the saving the day trousers and menaced the guy into pulling off the road at whcich

point ! gratefully relinKuished the cheese sandwich and most of my internal organs

*E!ting the dodgy s!ndich . not crossing the Euphr!tes

*

!t felt odd to be back in !stanbul !t is a fascinating place and we had had fun there, but it

belonged to yesterday<s sunset we were sweeping towards tomorrow<s new dawn G or would be

once we grabbed our visas and legged it back to 2amsun or this reason our plan was to hotfoot it

straight to the !ranian embassy after breakfast and then catch a coach back that same day !t surely

wouldn<t take long this time, what could there be to do but pay andNand be presented with a

biLarre series of reKuests that seemed designed solely to try and stop us getting the bloody visa they

had dragged us all the bloody way back forHChy the hell didn<t they >ust say no in the first placeHD ! hissed to =ark as easel

disappeared for the umpteenth time for no apparent cause

Cell, they did actuallyD =ark reminded me, C;uite consistently, but we wouldn<t take no for

an answerD

C0nd we<re bloody well not going to nowHD

easel reappeared GDe closed for lunch now, you come back afternoonD

e were both starving and bored with staring at his odious fiLog, so we called it a morning

and fortified ourselves with chicken doner and enough ayran to drown easel in

5ack refreshed and ready to do battle, to our fury we found easel still had some fight left in

him @ong periods of no easel were followed with short periods of easel, during which he

would ask us the same Kuestions for the hundredth time,

Chat is father birth nameF hat is mother birth townF hat is great father birthing dayF

hat is blah, blah, blahNFD

Chy you want visaF hy you want come my countryF hy rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarbNFD

5ut we hung tough, until that is we noticed the office was due to close in less than an hour

and tomorrow it wasn<t open at all e both had the same thoughtB it was now or neverH



easel seemed to be of the same mind, except he was of the never campB

CIou must give passport photographD

CIou<ve already seen our photo in our passports, why do you want a photoFD

This was more bullshit, the visa was simply stamped into your passport, there was no photo

CIou come back with passport photograph before close or no visaD 0s he turned away headded as an afterthought, Cour eachD 0nd then he was gone

!n the general absence of photo-me booths in this part of the world, there was less than half an

hour to find a professional photographer with a $olaroid !nstamatic camera, make him understand,

take the photos and for us to deliver them back to the embassy !t was impossible and easel knew

it !ncensed with the in>ustice of it all, we dug deep for our last bit of resolve e<d come this far

Eever before had a passport photo and a weasel come between us and our dreamsO

CEeither will itH !t<s time to stamp on it right here, right nowHD

=ark suggested that we stamp on weasel instead and although ! agreed it would be very

satisfying, ! wasn"t entirely sure Team 2ydney would recover from such a high-profile diplomatic

incident so early on in the trip 0nother tack was needed and we had one for easel had

underestimated our determination to get that visaB we were after a orld *ecordH e were crossing

whole continents under our own steamH

Ce<re going to fuck up if we don<t stop gobbing off and use our trump card KuickD ! pointed

out

hat easel didn<t know was that =ark used to live and work in !stanbulO !t was a longtime ago but with a superhuman effort of memory, miraculously he managed to dig out of his brain

the whereabouts of >ust that G a photographer only a few blocks awayH e cursed having left the

tandem behind as we pegged it faster than our legs believed they could go without the aid of pedals

and gears 0fter a screamingly frustrating bout of breathless A!<m sure its this roadH EoH =aybe that

oneF ang onH e was next to a kebab shop or somethingN< (%ome onH ow many bloody kebab

shops where there in !stanbulF riggin< millionsH) he stopped outside an innocuous looking house

and dived in ! followed behind to find myself in a small front room, surrounded by all the

paraphernalia of a professional photographer There was no time to dick around and =ark was

explaining our predicament in a mixture of remembered mongrel, ten-years-before Turkish and

kindergarten 'nglish to the smiling but confused looking guy with a camera round his neck aving

grasped the situation, our saviour sprang into action and amaLingly we emerged clutching the

precious photos withN

*ostly the doc's

CT'E =#T'*-*!!E =!EST'2HD

C5uggerH 2hift itHD

0nd shift it we did



easel couldn<t believe his piggy little eyes as we fell through the door, photos in hand ith

ill-concealed anger, he snatched them from us

C$assportsHD

e handed them over

Ce close nowDC0THHH Iou slimyD

C%ome side door one hourD

C#h, rightD

0nd then we were once more being escorted to the door by two don<t-fuck-with-us soldiers

'xactly an hour later we returned and found the side door, which was open, leading to a

serving- type hatch =ark rang the bell with little hope but unbelievably after a few minutes easel

appeared and handed over our passports without a word, before, unmourned and unmissed, he

disappeared out of our lives forever

@eft alone, we opened them to find, stamped inside, two fresh, smudged visas for !ran

alle-fucking-lu>ahH

C0s hatsit said so memorably after the battle of hatever, A@et<s go paaaarty, girlfriendHD

e would have moonwalked, away and onwards but that was another trick we"d never

mastered, so we fell back on our :ohn ayne swagger instead

0nd we were still swaggeringO as we hit the first teahouse and ordered their very finest blendH

hile we waited for our drinks to arrive, ! took another look at the fuLLy mark that had takenso much trouble to get G stupid thing was, easel could have stamped Ao fuck yourselvesH< for all

! knew as most of the writing was in arsi, or so ! supposed

* :ot ! euphemism

Cow many weeks is it valid forFD =ark asked, C! reckon it<ll take at least four or more to

cycle across to $akistanD

0ll of the visas we had needed so far were valid for two to three months once you entered the

country

! searched the smudge for enlightenment and found it in print small enough to make an insect

go blind,

CThreeHD

C5rilliantH That means we can take it easyD

CEo, three daysHD ! spluttered

CT*'' 30I2HD =ark yelled, attracting the attention of all the Turks in the near vicinity G

Kuite an achievement

Cive it hereHD

e minutely examined the visa as if willing it to re-write itself before his scrutiny C!t<s a



bloody transit visaH The bastardsHD

This stank of easel e<d had a hand in thisH e would remember to thank himQ right after

we smashed his face through the counterO, the lying, cheating, weaselling, weaselNthingH

*+t%s not th!t e !re n!tur!lly violent it%s 4ust th!t e!sel%s 7!ce !s m!de 7or it !nd e ould h!ve

7elt rong not to oblige5Cod, do we really have to go backFD ! asked, not really as a Kuestion, more as a plea C hat

are the chances of actually getting that camel<s gooch to change itFD

=ark thought for a moment, CEoneH 5ugger itH @et<s go and try and get an extension in the

first townD

C2ound idea, =aestroH 0nd if we can<tNthenNthenD

CThenN! supposeND

CThen bollocks, we will get one e got this visa didn<t weF 'ven if it is for three daysD

C3ecidedH @et the partying continueHD

:umping on the coach bound for 2amsun that evening, we both knew we had overcome one

bedsore-siLed problem only to turn over onto anotherB we had no idea if we could actually get an

extension once in !ran 0nd even if we could, would that one be long enough for us to reach the

other sideF =ost countries aren<t too keen on handing out extra grants of stay, especially to itinerant

tandemists from countries not exactly at that time on their %hristmas card list

0dded to that, if, and we knew despite our blustering that there probably was a very big

elephant-siLed "if" here, if all failed and we positively, definitely couldn<t obtain an extension in thefirst town, what the 0yatollah were we going to do about itF There simply wouldn<t be time to get

across an unknown, politically uncongenial, largely uninhabited country seven times the siLe of the

SP in the remaining two days 0nd if we didn<t, what would be the head-severing arse-buggering

public-flogging rot-in->ail fined-a-fiver conseKuencesF

5ut then again, trying to work that lot out on the coach back, would have indubitably resulted

in us exploding - rather inconsiderate really, given that the other passengers would have been forced

to spend the rest of the >ourney picking our entrails out of their hair

*

e had survived the coach trip back to 2amsun without food poisoning or exploding and it

was now a dim and distant memory of the day before yesterday as we swept into #rdu early

evening The town was heaving with *ussian sailors, many of whom were heaving in the streets

alreadyQ what state they would be in by the time they ended their shore leave was too undignified to

think of, so we stepped over them and continued our search for some starched sheets for the night

The fundamental truth was however, that it wasn<t >ust a few sailors that had docked but the

entire bloody *ussian EavyO 0dded to this A#rdu< obviously means brothel in Turkish as every

place to stay was a 5lack 2ea 5ordello of *ampant *uskies and Turkish Tarts Eow, we are cool



cats, deeply into free-love and all that (although strictly speaking this wasn<t love of the free

variety) but not if the filthy buggers are going to take up every available room ! mean, why did

they need a room anywayF Two minutes copulating in the street while disgorging their liKuid dinner

into the gutter they would then lay in Auntil morning, was surely more their style This would also

free up the local hostleries for good, clean folk like ourselves who actually wanted to sleep, to doso

*not to be con7used ith n!vy !s in ! nice n!vy 4umper5

Sntil this human slurry was rounded up in a riot of police vans and sub>ected to painful and

undignified cavity searches, we could only wait and hope while stuffing ourselves with the doyen of

all pidesO, a sensual mating of a piLLa and a pasty that you would happily sell your own children<s

kidneys for

*pronounced peed!y

The pide turned out to be well worth the price of an average internal organ, =ark declaring a

single mouthful of his sucuklu pide worth a whole rack of other people<s essential innards

CThe only bloody drawback is that half of it never gets to your stomach =ost of it<s still

lodged in my teethD

C@ovelyH Sse a toothpickD

! passed the small plastic container across the table

CIou see,D =ark mumbled almost incoherently between mouthfuls of splintered matchwood,

C0ll this bloody brushing your teeth eight times a day with enough fluoride to sink a *ussianbattleship, it<s >ust dental propoganda =ost of the world has never even heard of toothpaste or

toothbrushes They think it<s some kind of sex aid and lubricantD

CThen what do they think of flossingFD

Cucking ridiculousH !t<s >ust oral masturbation ! wouldn<t part with good money for some

waxed cat gutHD

Cell,D ! took the toothpick out of my ear, C@et<s go and see if we can part with some good

money for those starched sheets insteadD

*

=ark was holding court O

*outhing o77

C! don<t see why they bloody need to come ashore at all hy don<t they >ust shove a few

hundred bottles of yeni rakiO and a couple of old dogs in a carrier bag and row it out to the ship

0nyway, ! thought Turkey was supposed to be on our side, E0T# and all that, letting a bunch of

*ussian sailors infiltrate their women and spy with theirspyglassesHD

* industri!l !lcohol

The sailors had stayed and we had gone Eow in the gathering dark we were forced to cycle



on to the next town, iresun in the hope that the port was too small for a battleship or the women

too pock-marked for the sailors, although the latter seemed a vain hope e pinned our chances on

the former, as we knew from experience that those dreadnoughts drew a lot of water

0 while before, the Adefence< company =ark and =urphy spent their working day lounging

around in reading cycle mags, had been selling off a frigate and the three of us had entrepreneurialyformed a syndicate to buy it The plan had been to convert it into a high-class, high-priced pleasure

craftO running day trips up and down the Thames, or to hire it out for freelance gunboat diplomacy

There was no trouble with our syndicate putting in a bid, the company being Kuite happy to sell it to

anyone on their overnment approved list, ie anyone willing to cough up the cashQ the slight hitch

was that its draught was thirty-six feet This would have been hard to find a mooring for next to the

boatyard in 2hepperton, where it would also have blocked the entire river There was also the slight

matter that the syndicate<s funds once pooled, fell short of the \&M,???,??? reserve by \&M,???,?&?

*:ot ! euphemism 7or ! brothel !lthough it !s !n ide!555

#ur calculations this time however, seemed far more to the decimal place as on our arrival,

iresun was thankfully sailor-free and the very first hotel surely had the starchiest sheets to be

found in 0sia =inor

*

#n leaving the following morning, two choices wormed their way into our affectionsB carry

on along the main 5lack 2ea road to TrabLon, or turn off inland towards umushane and 5ayburt

The coastal route promised good tarmac but hinted at greater distance while its inland counterpart,paraded itself as more direct but confessed to slower, secondary roads The deciding factor proved

to be a reported sighting of a folklore festival in TrabLon e hadn<t spent all that time in the last

few days maintaining the bike, but if we had, =ark swore that he didn<t want to risk getting Afolk<

all over it and suffer death in the immediate body

Turning off the main road we were soon struggling up a small river valley, our tarmac-melting

rate of progress seriously reduced as the road had all the hallmarks of one left to its own devices for

a good half of the year 0s the tandem ground its way though the first signs of habitation since

leaving the main road, a *ottweiler-siLed mongrel lopped out for some fun !ts version of fun, we

Kuickly surmised, was to sink its teeth into anything soft and fleshy and loathe though we were to

spoil its en>oyment as it had made such an effort, a Kuickening of pace seemed desirable over a

thigh-full of canine teeth e started to huff away at the speed of fear but then ! noticed we had a

slight advantage

Ce<s only got three legs, poor old thingHD

CreatH =aybe it<s only got three teethHD

C3on<t be nasty, he<s doing a great >ob keeping up with only three legs ! wonder what

happened to his other oneFD



C$robably >ust forgot to put it on or went out on the binge and returned leglessD

! groaned, C$erhaps we should slow down and give him a chance to catch upD

Cood idea but it may have escaped your notice that we<re pedalling as fast as we bloody can

up this effing mountain and at this moment in time, he<s gaining on us Kuite nicelyD

=y superficial sympathy vanishedBC2hitH =ove itHD

0maLingly our three-legged companion kept up for another couple of bends before fading,

along with the tarmac which was now replaced with dirt The road continued to deteriorate as we

spermed up the valley until it was little more than a rubble-strewn excuse for a game of craLy

paving

*

%oughing up to the top of the valley, Team 2ydney were borderline rancid and in serious need

of an early stop for the daywhen the small village of Purtun kindly appeared hatever

accommodation was available, we intended to take advantage of it, this was far enough for us ere

we to carry on to umushane, the day<s total would have topped one hundred and sixty kilometres

and neither of us fancied such heroics on this sort of surface

3rawn by our daLLling entrance the obligatory gawping crowd had immediately formed

around us, or to be more accurate, around the tandem !ts celebrity status was proving a double-

edged scimitarB the crowds it attracted allowing us to find a receptive audience for our eating and

sleeping charades while on the other handle, for all practical purposes it made sneaking into anyplace inhabited by any one except a blind mole rat, impossible 2o far not too much sleep or sweat

had been lost over it, though occasionally arriving somewhere buggered and hungry, >ust looking

for a meal and a bed, it would have been nice to be a little less conspicuous urther on however,

through !ran, $akistan or %hina there was a distinct possibility that we might come to regret being

wedded to six foot plus of purple gas piping

Eo such worries in Purtun as the friendly natives led us to the door of, we assumed, the

mayor To call him a midget would be unkind but accurate, so we will The midget, recognising

like-siLed people, greeted us warmly 0 loud discussion then ensued between him and the rest of the

village as to where we were to spend the night, it being obvious having walked what high street

there was, that there were nowhere to stay Then with lots of reassuring nods to us, the whole hamlet

accompanied us back down the Ahigh street< to granny<s house where we were shown to a spare

room with a spare bed and a spare view down the valley we had >ust come up The only drawback

was that oh-so-hospitable granny made no mention of dinner, leaving us, after we had freshened up,

to sulkily go seek our own

iven that our stomachs were part way through digesting their own lining, thankfully the

small village store had the perfect triple cheeseburger, maxi fries and pork scratchings substitute in



the form of bread and cheese 2preading the white curdled bovine emanations on slices of dry

plasterboard, we bemoaned the lack of something cooked in its own grease and served in a bun, and

swore to restrict our adventuring to the developed world in future

*

The day had been a scorcher and as the evening shadows lengthened (ooh =r 5ysshe, !<vecome over all poetic) the heat in the miniscule room seemed to increase rather than lessen The

glassless window did its best to allow at least some of the heat out while the netting kept guard lest

the repellent insect world crashed the party

oken at +am by a million bites from an army of invisible assassins sauntering in through the

window however The Kuestion that struck as we slapped ourselves stupid and flailed around was

C hy the 0ttatrk have fly netting large enough for slap the smack sodding swipe flies to

slap get smack through swipe oopsH 2orryHD

Cucking !nsectsD we chorused as we danced till dawn

*

C&,984 metresH 5ring on de imalayas man, we<se gonna eat dem up for breakfastHD

=uch as ! applauded =ark<s sentiments on reaching the giddy heights of the 7audag ecidi,

whatever that was, ! wasn<t Kuite sure if this would necessarily mean the imalayas would similarly

crumble at our awesome hill climbing techniKue ! was sure ! had read somewhere that they were a

tad higher than this unnamed, little-known mountain range on the way to 'rLurum The facts of the

matter couldn<t be ignored thoughB we had climbed up to almost six thousand feet and we were stillstanding and had the sign read A *akimB &986m< instead of A&984m<, we<d have still made it, though

not necessarily with the standing bit

lying down the vertical face of the other side like a Teflon-coated purple penguin, we hit the

town of 5ayburt, Kuite literally #r to be more precise, the inhabitants, stumbling around blind as

they were on the public highway,

Chat are you doing hiding under a blanket in the middle of the road, you silly cowHFD

=ark yelled as he swerved, wrenching the bars and bike around the brown shapeless lumps

shuffling in front of us

Snable to Kuite miss them all, we nudged one with the rear panniers, sending her whirling

3ervish style off in to the dirt

C2orryHD

0ge caught up with us as we rounded the next bend 5oth of us remembered the first

computer games such as $acman coming in but neither of us were of that generation, preferring

more old fashioned pursuits in the bedroom 5ut Twister wasn<t going to help here as 0steroids

came at us from all sides,

C!ncomingH !ncomingHD =ark shouted



C!f you were going to dress up from head to foot in bloody brown blankets wouldn<t you at

least leave a slit for your eyesHD ! yelled as another brown form with particularly erratic vectoring

glanced off my handlebars

The reasons behind the ladies" very unusual dress and their attraction to the middle of the road

like moths round a flaming tandem, we never found out The explanation for their frankly drabcolour scheme and thick, coarse blankets became evident however, as coming out of the other side

of the village we ran straight into a flock of brown, wiry sheep in the middle of the road

Cence the brown blanketsHD =ark nodded to himself sagely, as we screeched clear of the

village and its dangers, C /??? years this village has apparently been here - how the hell have they

survived that long with the collective road sense of a lorry load of lemmingsHD

! sKuawked, without embarassment, that maybe if we looked where we were going a little

more and slowed down a tinsy bit, they might make it another few thousand

5ut >ust at that point we hit the downhill and all thought of slowing down and cycling at a

more sedate pace, vanished

*

%haffing one"s nuts off into the face of a bastard headwind in the lowest gear possible is never

one of our favourite activities, ranking alongside self-appendectomy and washing To have the

chance to do so grinding immediately down a mountain >ust grovelled up, was way too much fun

for us to handle, so ten kilometres or so outside of 'rLurum, we pulled over to collapse in a heap of

foul distemper and even fouler bodily fluids The really galling thing was that the road was so=ethodist straightO that the still distant town could already be seen, teasing us like a whore

*We !re in no !y reini7orcing the stereotype th!t ethodists do not live on corners5

aving exhausted our bile, we remounted and creaked off, only to be stopped shortly

afterwards by a group of soldiers, their vehicle blocking the road 0pparently the trouble between

the Turks and Purds in the 'ast was getting worse and military check points were now in force on

most roads The soldiers informed us that there had been several unspecified "incidents" between

here and the !ranina border !t seemed that things were hotting up even before we reached !ran

itself #oopsH 0fter helpfully imparting this news, trying to cadge a ride on the tandem and some

fags, they left team 2lightly-Eervous-and-@ooking-over-Their-2houders to creep on down the

uncomfortably deserted road towards an ever visible, but infuriatingly still far-off, 'rLurum

*

The following morning we left 'rLurum, now keen to make it to !ran and the thrill of a new

country G it would be our ninthH !t was a little premature to be thinking of as there were still several

days ride to 3ogubayerLit, the last town before the border, but apart from being waved through an

occasional road block by the army, the >ourney was uneventful and we arrived happy nonetheless to

have got that far



That far was as far as that and no further as it was mandatory to take transport from here to

the !ranian border 0part from the troubles, apparently there were wild animals with an appetite for

human flesh out there and also tight security, as the army had made an "interesting< discovery on

nearby =t 0rat

C3amn cheekHD =ark voiced, C !f they think a little local trouble, wolves, bears, a Asighting<of Eoah<s ark, and their blasted army marauding around are of concern to a couple of oft-bitten,

spit-in-your-eye, bite-the-head-off-a-cow kind of !nternational Tandem ard =en like us, thenNHD

C0bsolutelyHD ! concurred, C !t<ll take more than that to put us offHD

Cell, maybe not a hell of a lot more thoughD

ChatF here<s your backbone manFD

C0ttached to the rest of my body and ! thought we<d keep it that wayD

Cair dosH Eow where<s that dolmusFD

aving reached this far without incident, in truth we could handle taking wheels for the last

few kilometres to the borderQ the only challenge was how to transport the tandem The ubiKuitous

dolmus was our first thought and soon solved the problem 0fter the obligatory haggling over the

price as there would be no room for anyone but us, we had ourselves the reKuisite wheels and,

courtesy of the dolmus driver, dinner !ndeed, in usual Turkish fashion, having argued so

vehemently over a few extra lira, by the time he had finished feeding and watering us, half his hard-

haggled monetary gains had gone down our throats 5ut that was why, even though Team 2ydney

was looking forward to powering into its Mth country, we were also gutted to be leaving this one !twas hard to imagine that there could be another with Kuite such inexhaustibly hospitable and helpful

people Tomorrow we would find out if our homespun philosophy that there are no "evil nations",

only two-faced >ackals who perpetuate this toss was true - or perish in $ersia in the attempt

BBBB

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