women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal

Women in The Workforce:How to Stay Professional When Things Get Personal

Presented by Kathi Elster and Katherine Crowley

www.ksquaredenterprises.com Email: [email protected]

http://www.ksquaredenterprises.com/

With women comprising 50% of the workforce, it is more likely than ever that…

the average female lawyer, clerk, judge, or mediator will have female peers, female bosses,

and female employees to manage.www.ksquaredenterprises.com Email: [email protected]


Woman-to-woman relationships are different from man-to-man relationships and man-to-woman

relationships at work.



OFFER TECHNIQUES FOR BREAKING FREE FROM POWER STRUGGLES.

Examine the different ways that women compete with each other.



Male competition is usually overt



Most men are comfortable with aggressive statements and outright competition

**In fact, men can engage in intense verbal battles, then go out with each other for a drink afterward!



Women compete differently.

Women are designed to ‘tend and befriend’ their same sex colleagues.



We have 2 conflicting desires

VSMAKE FRIENDS COMPETE AND WIN



Covert Competition Examples

3. A female supervisor may harshly criticize her most capable employee in an attempt to keep her down.

1. One woman may “accidentally” forget to invite a female colleague to an important meeting.

2. A female coworker may spread false information about her female peers(better known as gossip) to gain points.



6 Ways That Women in the Legal Professions May Compete

…Or 6 different kinds of “Mean”.



Meanest of the Mean

• Feel they must be mean to survive.

• View all women as adversaries.

• Lack Compassion• Unable to see

anybody else’s point of view

The Ice Princess

who treats everyone

with disdain



Very Mean

• Tough on the outside and insecure on the inside.

• Do and say mean things whenever they encounter a woman who threatens them.

• Quick to feel jealous, envious and competitive with another woman

The Vicious Gossip who

spreads rumors to make another woman look bad



Passively Mean• Any woman who acts

nice but is covertly competitive.

• Hard to pin down because she presents such a friendly veneer.

• Her mean comes out indirectly through exclusion, avoidance.

The coworker who accidentally

excludes you from a meeting where your attendance

matters



Doesn’t Mean to be Mean• Extremely self-

absorbed.• Unconscious/

Inconsiderate behavior strikes other women as mean.

• Truly oblivious to impact of their actions.The coworker

who is chronically late, leaving you in

the lurch



Doesn’t Know She’s Mean• Behave in ways that

they think will improve a situation.

• Accidentally alienate women around them.

• Sound quite self-righteous.

A coworker who bosses you

around because she thinks you

need the benefit of her knowledge



Brings out your mean• Their neediness brings

out your mean tendencies

• You find yourself gossiping about the person, avoiding her or making faces when she’s speaking.

The insecure coworker who asks too many

questions, interrupting your

workflow and depleting your

energy



HOW DO WE HANDLE THESE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MEAN GIRL BEHAVIORS?



Women are processors

When something good or bad happens, we talk about it.



If a woman feels attacked by another woman, she automatically goes through a 3 Step

Process:

Step 3

She then describes how she’d like to counter-attack “I’m never talking to her again.” OR “The next time she asks for help, she’s out of luck.”

Step 2She follows the report with how she’s feeling “I’m so mad I could spit. She humiliated me in front of

everyone

Step 1She finds an ally and reports (with emotion) what the

attacking woman did “You’ve got to hear what she just did to me…”



DON’T GO THERE!



The most important thing to remember when faced with a Mean Girl of any kind is to refrain from counter attacking.

No eye rolling

No freezing

out

No bad-mouthin

g

#1



Why Not?

Counter attacking often makes YOU look like the bad guy

Counter attacking locks you in a power struggle

Counter attacking doesn’t work



Every woman we spoke to - and we mean every woman- expressed remorse for counter attacking



DON’T GO THERE!



Find ways to process the negative impact that a mean girl’s actions have on you.

Exercise

Trusted Friend or Advisor

Inventory of

situation

#2



DON’T GO THERE!



Find professional solutions to any problems you have with a mean girl.

Respond to the other woman’s behavior in a way that addresses the work issue but keeps you out of a personal battle with her.

#3



Let’s examine a few specific scenarios that involve covert

competitionwww.ksquaredenterprises.com Email: [email protected]


She puts you down publicly (Meanest of the mean)

• What She DoesA female colleague says something derogatory to you in front of your peers.

“Did you take any English courses in college? This document is a mess.” “I’d save that outfit for Casual Fridays.” “Why don’t you talk to the client? You’re good at pretending you care.”




• How You Feel

Sideswiped and shockedUnsure what you did to deserve such treatmentFlush of heat Heart racingEmbarrassed, angry or hurtEither you shut down or want to fight back




• Don’t Go There!

Don’t react out of anger.Don’t give yourself a hard time for not speaking up in the momentDon’t re-tell the story ad nauseam to anyone who will listenDon’t say, “You’re not going to believe what she said to me...”




• Go HereTake steps to purge emotional toxins:

• Engage in rigorous exercise• Get a massage or some other form of

self-care• Seek counsel from a trusted

confidante.




• Going Forward– Address colleague’s comments without

feeding cattiness

“Did you take any English courses in college? This document is a mess.”

• Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I did take English in college and did very well. I’ll make all the corrections you suggested.




• Going Forward

“I’d save that outfit for Casual Fridays.” • Thanks for the feedback. It’s important to

know how others perceive me.

“Why don’t you talk to the client? You’re good at pretending you care.”

• Thank You.



How to take really mean behavior less personally

• It’s not about you.• You are not the first person she’s gone after, and

you won’t be the last!• Find ways to not take her mean words to heart.

Look at the facts:– Does this woman have a history of conflict with other

women who’ve preceded you?– Does she have a reputation as ‘someone to avoid’?– Do you notice other women giving you sympathetic

looks when she attacks you?



She fails to give you important info(Passively Mean)

• What She DoesYou’re working on a legal brief with another woman. The boss informs her that the deadline has been moved up. He asks her to inform you and she never does. You discover this 10 minutes before an important meeting where that same boss is expecting to see a final draft.

“Did I remember to tell you that our brief is due today? I finished my part. Do you have yours?” “You weren’t around when the boss came by. I tried to find you. Then it must have slipped my mind”



She fails to give you important information(Passively Mean)

• How You Feel

Dazed and upsetSet up and furiousNervous about repercussions



She fails to give you important information

(Passively Mean)


Don’t yell, “How dare you?”Don’t run to the boss and say “She didn’t tell me.”Don’t rant about her to your best friend at workDon’t act out- throwing things or stomping around.



She fails to give you important information(Passively Mean)

• Go Here!

Take responsibility for the fact that you are not preparedRefrain from blaming your co-workerSay to your boss:

“I understand that the deadline was changed and I wasn’t here for you to inform me.”“Unfortunately, I found out too late for me to be prepared.”“I apologize for the delay, but I can get this to you by the end of the day.”



She fails to give you important information

(Passively Mean)

• Going Forward

Make the following request to your boss:“To insure that I know of any changes in the future, please communicate with me directly. If I’m not present, I can always be reached by email.”

Don’t count on your colleague to have your back



Why some women cannot admit to their bad behavior

• Some women literally are psychologically incapable of admitting when they’ve done something wrong.

• What’s going on?You’re probably bumping against a structural problem. Her internal hardwiring makes her incapable of true self-reflection.She can’t admit to wrongdoing because psychologically she can’t tolerate the notion of being at fault.

All women are not designed the samewww.ksquaredenterprises.com Email:

[email protected]


She bosses you around (Doesn’t Know She’s Mean)

• What She Does

She tells you to get the coffee for a meeting, she insists that you photocopy any documents; she tells you when to go to lunch. She’ll volunteer your services for the more menial tasks. She tells you when you should take your vacation (based on when she wants to take hers)




• How You Feel

Shocked at her presumed authorityDiminishedGrowing to resent herHaving fantasies of revenge





Don’t complain to your boss about herDon’t expect her to changeDon’t yell at her – telling her she has no right to tell you what to do




• Go Here

Next time she orders you to photocopy a document that you both need, say “Sure, I’ll ask the receptionist to do it if you don’t want to.”If she tells you when you’re supposed to go to lunch, say “ Actually, that lunch hour isn’t going to work today, I need to go at 1:00pm instead.”




• Going Forward

Big challenge with this kind of person: Not to take her bossiness personally.Continue to neutralize her demands by telling her what you will and will not do. Let her know you want to work with her, but you don’t work for her



Strike when you’re cooled off – not in the heat of the moment

• Anger used constructively can serve as your protection.

• You’ll appear more professional (and be more powerful) if you speak or write to a woman who angers you from a position of calmness and clarity.



Strike when you’re cooled off – not in the heat of the moment

• Take a slow, deep breath and calmly respond with neutral statements like “Is that so?” “Interesting” “Hmmm” or “Let me think about that.”

• Take time to chill…splash your face with cold water, exercise, call a friend. Do something to cool your system down.



5 Rules to Staying Professional When Things Get Personal.



Rule #1: Don’t Take Her Bait

Getting a reaction from you gratifies the mean side of her.

Not taking the bait means that you do not respond emotionally to her behavior



Rule #2: Don’t engage in negative speak about her

It’s tempting to want to badmouth or gossip.

You are fueling the power struggle between the two of you and you may end up looking like the pettier person.



Rule #3: Don’t engage in non-verbal gestures

Rolling your eyes, turning your back, whispering to a colleague when she walks by- these gestures convey hostility and indirect aggression.

Make sure you don’t engage in these or other forms of non-verbal attacking.www.ksquaredenterprises.com Email:

[email protected]


Rule #4: Aim for professional behavior at all times

Take the High Road.

Acting professional towards all women in your workplace-regardless of how you feel about them- is a key component of “winning” with mean girls.



Rule #5: Think “friendly” instead of “friend”

Assuming that every woman should be your friend is a common mistake.

Maintain a cordial relationship with her where you only discuss the work at hand.



Thank You!

Presented by Kathi Elster and Katherine Crowley


@AskK2Facebook.com/KSquaredEnterprises


women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal

Career