workplace wars and how to end them: turning personal conflicts into productive teamwork

title:WorkplaceWarsandHowtoEndThem:TurningPersonalConflictsIntoProductiveTeamwork

author: Kaye,Kenneth.publisher: AMACOMBooks

isbn10|asin: 0814402151printisbn13: 9780814402153ebookisbn13: 9780585032801

language: English

subjectConflictmanagement,Interpersonalconflict,Interpersonalconfrontation,Communicationinpersonnelmanagement.

publicationdate: 1994lcc: HD42.K391994ebddc: 650.13

Conflictmanagement,Interpersonalconflict,Interpersonalconfrontation,

subject: conflict,Interpersonalconfrontation,Communicationinpersonnelmanagement.

Pageiii

WorkplaceWarsAnd

HowToEndThem

TurningPersonalCcnflictsIntoProductiveTeamwork

KENNETHKAYE

AMACOMAmericanManagementAssociationNewYork·Atlanta·Boston·Chicago·KansasCity·SanFrancisco·

Washington,D.C.Brussels·MexicoCity·Tokyo·Toronto

Pageiv

Thisbookisavailableataspecialdiscountwhenorderedinbulkquantities.Forinformation,contactSpecialSalesDepartment,AMACOM,adivisionofAmericanManagementAssociation,1601Broadway,NewYork,NY10019.Thispublicationisdesignedtoprovideaccurateandauthoritativeinformationinregardtothesubjectmattercovered.Itissoldwiththeunderstandingthatthepublisherisnotengagedinrenderinglegal,accounting,orotherprofessionalservice.Iflegaladviceorotherexpertassistanceisrequired,theservicesofacompetentprofessionalpersonshouldbesought.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData

Kaye,Kenneth.Workplacewarsandhowtoendthem:turningpersonalconflictsintoproductiveteamwork/KennethKaye.p.cm.Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.ISBN0-8144-0215-11.Conflictmanagement.2.Interpersonalconflict.3.Interpersonalconfrontation.4.Communicationinpersonnelmanagement.I.Title.HD42.K391994650.13dc20 94-204

CIP

©1994KennethKaye.Allrightsreserved.PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica.

Thispublicationmaynotbereproduced,

storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinwholeorinpart,inanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofAMACOM,adivisionofAmericanManagementAssociation,1601Broadway,NewYork,NY10019.

Printingnumber

1098

Pagev

Formyfamily

Pagevii

Contents

Acknowledgments ix

1"ThereTheyGoAgain" 1

2PlanA:LookforSharedGoalsandWin/WinSolutions

21

3PlanB:Clarify,Sort,andValueDifferences 45

4PlanC:GainCommitmenttoChange 75

5PlanD:AnalyzetheRecurringCycle 89

6PlanE:UnilaterallyDemonstrateChange 111

7NowWeAreaConflict-ResolvingSystem 119

8Summary:TheSystemApplied 133

Appendix:ActiveListening 147

Index 157

Pageix

AcknowledgmentsThisworkismostindebtedtothetrainingprogramsattheFamilyInstituteofChicago,anaffiliateofNorthwesternUniversity.ManyofthesetechniquesweredevelopedtherebyProfessorWilliamPinsofforproblem-centeredtherapywithfamilysystems.Ihaveadaptedthemforapplicationtootherkindsoforganizationalconflict.

Iamgrateful,too,tothemanyclientsoveraten-yearperiodwholetmetrytohelpthemassystematicallyasIcould.TheyweremorethanjustthesubjectsonwhomIfoistedthesevariousplans,strategies,exercises,andtechniques;theywerealsobrainstormers,innovators,andinformantsaboutotherexperienceswithsuccessfulandunsuccessfulattemptsatconflictresolution.

Participantsinmyprofessionalseminars,includingattorneys,accountants,organizationalconsultants,andhumanresourcesmanagers,allowedmetotrydifferentwaysofpresentingthebook'scontents,whoseorganizationevolvedintothe"system"ofPlanA,PlanB,andsoforth.Asthenewtextbookformyconflictresolutiontrainingworkshops,thisbookreflectsthethoughtfulfeedbackofthosepastattendees.

Thankstomyassistant,KatharineFrancis,forthoroughandwisesuggestionsonthewritingstyle.Finally,Iammostappreciativeoftheencouragementandeditorialproblem-solvingtalentsofAdrienneHickeyatAMACOMBooksandJacquelineLaksGorman.

WorkplaceWarsAnd

HowToEndThem

1"ThereTheyGoAgain"Noorganizationissoexcellent,noteamsounified,nobusinesssosuccessfulthatitisimmunetointernalconflict.Misunderstandingsarise.Personalitiesclash.Pettyirritationsmount.Ifnoonestandsuptothenaturalcourseofhumanemotions,bitterinfightingandbackstabbingerupt.Peoplebattleopenlyforturforrefusetocommunicateatall.Intheworstcases,mutualdistrustcandeterioratetoverbalabuseorevenafistfight,likethewidelypublicizedbrawlamongthefourprincipalfamilyheirsofU-Haulcorporationatthatpubliccompany'sannualmeeting.Lessdramaticbutnolessdestructivearetheissuesthatstayunderground,manifestedonlyinpoorteamwork."Wedon'thaverealconflict,"oneCEOsaid,"butIcan'tgetourpeopletoworktogether."Thatisrealconflict.

WhereWouldWeBeWithoutConflict?

Itisnottheaimofthisbooktoavoid,eliminate,orevenminimizeorganizationalconflict.Thatwouldbeasundesirableasitisimpossible.Instead,thisbookwillhelpyoubuildthekindofteamworkthatacknowledgesconflictsoonerratherthanlater,worksitoutstraightforwardlyandconstructively,andusesitasopportunityforchange.Teamworkdoesn'tmeansittingaroundtogetherinharmony.Itmeansmovingforwardtogether:turningdifferencesintostrengths,improvinggroupcommunicationsandproblem-solvingskills,andadaptingthewholeorganizationtomeetitsgoalsmoreeffectivelyinachangingworld.

TheWallStreetJournalhadthistosayaboutMicrosoftCorporation's

racetobuildNT,anewoperatingsystemforpersonalcomputers:

ImmensestakesareridingonNT.ButthemakingofNTalsoillustrateshowinnovation,inanageoftechnologicalcomplexity,usuallyrequiresdoggedsystem-buildingandanabilitytoholdlargeteamstogetherwhileallowingevencultivatingconflict.ConflictliesatthecoreofinnovationsaysEmanuelR.Piore,aformerchiefscientistforInternationalBusinessMachinesCorp."Whenthere'snoconflict,alabisnogood."

1

Conflictmeanstheopportunitytolearn.Itforcescreativity.Ifnecessityisthemotherofinvention,conflictisitsfather.WhenSmith'sproposalantagonizesJonesorfailstoaddressaproblemfromJones'spointofview,bothSmithandJonestakeitbacktotheirdrawingboards.Theyareforcedtobecreative,together,toachievetheirseparateaimswithoutcausingmutualproblemsandmisperceptions.

Twoheadsarebetterthanoneonlyiftheycontaindifferentopinions.

Conflictisalsoopportunityforpersonalgrowth.WhenSmithmanagestoworkthingsoutwithJones,shelearnssomethingshecanapplyinothersituationsaswell.Eachsuchexperiencecontributestoherseeingherselfasaneffectiveperson.Furthermore,itactuallymakeshermoreeffective,assheanticipatesotherpeople'sneeds.

Itreallyisn'ttheconflictitselfbuttheopportunitytoresolveconflictthathelpstodeveloptalentinallmembersoftheorganization.Ifyourelievethemofdistractingangerandfrustration,youremovetheobstaclestheywerethrowinginthepathsofoneanother'swork,thusempoweringthemtodeveloptheirabilitiestothefullestextent.

Finally,conflictisanopportunityforselection.Let'snotdenythecompetitiveaspectofdisputeresolution.Itisn'talways

win/win,evenwhentheprocessisconstructive.Theargumentmayleadtodecisionsthatcausefactoriesordepartmentstoceaseoperationsorindividualemployeestolosetheirjobs.Butthatisn'tbadfortheorganization(itisn'talwaysbadfortheindividuals,either),solongaswehaveconfidencethatourdecision-makingprocessesareleadingtotherightcuts.Whatisbadistolosegoodpeoplebecausethey'refedupwithanatmosphereofbullying,shouting,backstabbing,andotherinsultstotheirself-esteem.

Conflictisneithergoodnorbad.Properlymanaged,itisabsolutelyvital.Whatwouldyourorganizationbelikewithnoconflict?Itwouldsurvive,probablyforyears,butcomatose:braindead.Itsmemberswouldn'tdevelopasindividualsorasateam.Everygroupneedsproblemstofaceanddisagreementstoresolve.

However,someconflictsarebetterthanothers.

Youaredirectorofhumanresourcesforanadvertisingagency.Itscreativewritersandartistslookcontemptuouslyattheaccountexecutives,treatingtheirinputasstupidmeddling.Theaccountsidehasampleopportunitytoretaliatebycriticizingthecreativeworkandfailingtoshowenthusiasmforitinthepresenceofclients.Accusationsofsexualdiscriminationandharassmentexacerbatethelackofteamwork.Yourboss,theagency'spresident,doesn'tseehowshehascontributedtotheproblem.

Thetensionbetweencreativityandresponsivenesstotheclient'sneedsisacentralfactintheadvertisingindustry,andthesuccessofanagency(asinmanyotherbusinesses)dependsuponcommunicationbetweenpeopleofcompletelydifferenttemperamentsandtalents.Unfortunately,theagencydescribedhereisgainingnoneofthebenefitsofthosedifferencesbecausetheconflicthasescalatedsofar.Noonewhoworksforthatagencyfeelsanylongerthat"conflictisopportunity."

Open,productiveargumentiswonderful,butconflictseethingbelow

thesurface,rageboilingoverdestructively,chronicpatternsofmutualfinger-pointing,or"passive-aggressive"non-cooperationarecostly,sometimesdevastating,andalwayspainfultobehold.

Ifwemanageconflictconstructively,weharnessitsenergyforcreativityanddevelopment.It'suptouswhetherwemanagetheinevitableconflictinourorganizationsconstructivelyorjustcomplainbitterlyandhelplesslywhilethesituationworsenstheunhappinessfesters,theconflictescalates,theenterprise'sfunctioningdisintegrates,andthebestandbrightestfleetomoresupportiveworkingenvironments.

Thisbookisamanualforunlockingtheenergyofgoodpeoplewhoarelockedincombat.

TheCostOfUnresolvedConflict

Whentheconflictingpartiesbelongtothesamegroup,family,orbusinessorganization,thepriceofwarfareisalmostalwaysgreaterthaneithersidecanhopetogain.Considerthemanycoststhatcanresultfromfailuretoresolveconflictwithinyourcompany:

Lostproductivity:

Lackofteaminitiatives

Employeesfailingtofacilitateeachother'sworkTimewastedbyemployeeswranglingwitheachother,talkingtosympathizers,andbroodingaboutproblems

Directcosts:Capitalplantandequipmentcarelesslytreated,vandalized,stolenOverpaymentsduetolackofdiligenceandpoordiscussionofpurchasingorhiringdecisionsCashcrisis(possiblebankruptcyorsale)duetofailuretoplan

Perceptioncosts:

Lostcustomersthroughdiscourtesyorpoorservice

ReducedattractivenessofcompanytoinvestorsReducedcredibilitytobankers

Legalcosts: Prolongeddeliberationoversuccession,estate,restructuringplans,etc.Prolongeddebateswhileprofessionaladvisors'clocksarerunningAdviceondealingwiththreatsoflitigationLitigationitself(plaintiffand/ordefense)

Costsofnothavingthebestpeopleintherightjobs:

Replacingemployeeswholeaveduetoconflict

Keepingpooreremployeeswhenbetteronescan'tbehiredbecauseofconflictUnnecessaryperks,cars,andexcessivecompensationtononperformingfamilymembersonpayroll(manyfamily-runbusinessespayahighpriceforobvious,andunsuccessful,attemptsto''avoid"conflictinthisway)Privatecompensationbyownertomakethings"fair"tofamilymembersnotemployedinthebusinessBadinvestmentdecisionsCostofdelayongooddecisions

Regardlessofwhetheryouareoneofthecombatants,theirsupervisor,oranoutsiderchargedwithhelpingthemimprovetheirrelationship,youcan'taffordtoprolongasituationthatisn'tgoingtoimprove.

Ontheotherhand,youdon'twanttowastehumanpotentialbygivinguponpeople(firingthem,forexample)iftheirproblemscouldhavebeensolved.

Letmenotmisleadyou.Noonecanresolveeveryinterpersonalconflictamicably.Noteverydifficultassociatecanbecomeagreatteammate.Thefirstquestioniswhetheraproblem

Youdon'twanttowastetimeandmoneyprolongingasituationthatisn'tgoingtogetbetter.Butyoudon'twanttolosegoodpeoplewhoseproblemscouldhavebeensolved.canberesolvedwithoutterminatingtherelationship.Likeparamedicsatadisasterscene,youneedtodoakindoftriage,choosingwhethertostanchthebleedingorresetbonesordisinfectorapplytheverbalequivalentsofanalgesicsortranquilizers.Insomecases,youwillremovelifesupportsystemsaltogether.

IsThisBookForYou?

Youmaybeamanagerwhoseformalresponsibilitiesincludeteambuildingandcommunications,anorganizationalconsultantwhoregularlytakesonsuchassignments,orjustanindividualcaughtupinsuchaconflictyourself.Youmayhavebeenaskedtohelptwoormorecoworkersresolveafeudorturfwarjustbecauseyouhaveareputationforfairness,patience,anddiplomacy.

Perhapsnooneassignedyouthisresponsibility,butyouarefedupwiththeunproductiveconflictamongyourcolleagues.Theirtensionanddistrustimpedesyourwork,makesyourlifeunpleasant,andendangersthehealthofthebusiness.Youhopetopersuadethemtoletyouhelp.

Theideasandmethodsdiscussedhereapplyequallywhetheryouareapartytotheconflictorathirdpartytryingtobehelpful.

Howdoyouknowiftheconflictyouhaveinmindisthekindthisbookaddresses?Itisiftwoconditionsaretrue:First,theconflictingpartiesneedtorestore(orcreateforthefirsttime)agoodrelationship.Asettlementthatleavesthemneverspeakingtooneanotheragain,liketheMontaguesandtheCapulets,won'tbesatisfactory.Thisisobviouslytruewhenthepartiesarebloodrelativesorin-lawsinafamilybusiness;but

it'sjustastrueiftheyareunrelatedfellowmembersofanorganizationthatdoesn'twanttoloseanyofthem.

Inaddition,theconflictisn'tjustaboutdollarsorotherresources.Evenifitbeganovermoney,ithasbecomepersonalandemotional.Youcanusethissystemwhenthepartiesclaimtheirdisputeisaboutmoneybutitreallyisn't.Youcanuseitwhentheyclaimitisn'taboutmoneybutitreallyis.Wewon'tdiscusslabornegotiationsandgrievancearbitrations,butafteralaborconflictis"settled"andpeoplearebackatworktogether,theirresidualresentmentsanddistrustmayneedsomeoftheapproachesinthisbook.Youwon'tneedthissystemifallpartieswouldbesatisfiedwithapurelyfinancialsettlement.

BuildingBetterRelations

Whyabookononlythistypeofconflictmanagingdisputeswithinorganizations?Whatdifferencedoesitmakewhetherthepartiesaremembersofthesameorganizationorhavelittletodowitheachother?Aren'tthemethodsforsettlingdisputesprettymuchthesame?

Absolutelynot,whichiswhythisbookneededtobewritten.Butthekeyindeterminingwhichtypeofconflictyouaredealingwithisn'twhetherthedisputingpartiesarestrangers,friends,neighbors,orassociatesbeforehand.Itiswhattheyintendtobeafterward.

Supposeatruckplowsintoyourcar,causingseriousfinancialdamage.Themomentthathappens,youhavearelationshipwiththeownerofthetruck.Settlingthedisputeconsistsofbringingthatrelationshiptoaconclusionandgoingyourseparateways.

Nowconsideradifferentkindofcollision.Yourbusinesspartnermakesalargepurchaseofinventorythatconflictswithyourintentiontochangeyourproductline.Endingtherelationshipisonlyonepossible,drasticwaytosettlesuchadispute.Youmightelectitasalastresort,butonlyifmoreconstructiveeffortsfail.Youwouldprefer

toachieveconfluenceofthepartners'visionsandactions.

Youwouldn'tcalladivorceattorneyifyouwantedtosaveyourmarriage.Don'tcalltheauthorofthisbookifyouwantto

suethepantsoffsomebody.Thosedifferentaimsrequiretwocompletelydifferentkindsofexpertise.However,theskillsrequiredforturningconflictintoconfluencearemuchthesamewhetheritisamatterbetweensmall-businessowners,managersofahugecorporation,orafamilyfeud.(Theissuesandthepersonalitieswillbedifferent,butyou'llusemanyofthesamemethodstoresolvethem.)

Althoughpeople'sattemptstoridthemselvesofoneanotherearnmoreheadlines,mostoflife'sconflictsarenotofthedivorcingkind.Everydaylifeconsistsofheadbuttingbetweenpeoplewhoneedoneanother'scooperation,notobliteration.Thelastthingtheywantinthewayofresolutionistosettleonsomedollarfigureandwalkawayfromtheirrelationship.Whethertheirquarrelismainlyeconomicoremotional(orboth),thepartiescannotsimplysettledthematterandgotheirseparateways,nevertoseeeachotheragain.Theyneedtomakeitbetter.

ConflictResolutionWithinGroupsvs.BetweenParties

Imentionedtwoconditionsthatwilltellyouwhenyouneedthisbook.Onceyoudecideyoudo,threeimportantfeaturesdistinguishconflictresolutionwithingroupsfromthesettlementofdisputesbetweenseparateparties.Thesefeaturesaretruewhethertheconflictinvolvesonlyacoupleofpeopleorawholeorganizationandwhetherthatorganizationislargeorsmall.

First,within-groupconflictisalwayspersonalandemotional,evenifitbeginswithimpersonalissues.Weallcarrybaggagefromourchildhoodsandfromourjourneysthroughlife,andthefrustrated,resentfulmembersofanygrouptrappedinconflictcannothelpdumpingorspillingsomeofthatbaggageintotheirjointlaundrypile.Thustheiranger,hurt,distrust,envy,orfeartowardthosetheyhavetoworkwithcanbeasintenseassimilarfeelingstowardsiblings,parents,oraspouse.

Conflictresolutioninabusinessorganizationdoesn'trequiredeeplyanalyzingthetransferencefromindividuals'personalhistoriesintotheircurrentrelationship.However,anagentofchangeoftenneedstopushpeoplebeneaththesuperficial

matterstheyareostensiblyfightingabouttothesometimesirrationalbutnonethelessimportantissuesthatmotivatethem.

Whenpersonalanimositiescontradictthesocialpressureforgroupsolidarity,theresultisinternal(intrapsychic)conflict.Wefeelweshouldlikethatpersonoratleastgetalongwithhimorher,ifonlyforthesakeofourcommonenterprisebutheorsheisanexceptionallyinconsiderateorhostileorselfishorcrazyindividual,notarealmemberoftheteam.Weholdontothatbeliefinordertorationalizeournegativefeelings.Oncehavingformedtheopinionthatsuchapersonisnottobetrusted,wehavedifficultybelievingevidencetothecontrary.Wewilllookfortheslightestconfirmationofournegativeexpectationsofthatindividual;wemaydiscountmanypositivesubsequentencounters.

Theseconddistinguishingfeatureofwithin-groupconflictsistheirqualityof"herewegoagain."Theytendtorecurinapredictablecyclefromintolerableclashtouneasytruceandbackagain.Awisechangeagentcanchartthischronicpatternandplanhowtointerruptthepattern,divertit,andintroducemoreadaptivewaysofdealingwithissues.

Third,themostimportantthingaboutalltheconflictsweshalladdressisthegoalImentionedpreviously,confluence:togetthepartiesmovingalongthesamepath,towardcommonaims,bymutualsupportandteamwork.

TheSystematicApproach

Youalreadypossesssomepeacemakingskills,acquiredeitherbyformaltrainingorjustthroughdailylife.Forexample,youmaybegoodatactivelistening,thehabitofcheckingtobesureyouunderstandothers'positionsandtheyunderstandyours.Thisbookwilladdtoyourrepertoireoftechniques,butmoreimportantly,itwill

organizeyourconflictresolutionmethodssystematically.Itpresentsasystemforapproachinganyconflictandkeepingyourworkonaproductivetrack.

Thesystemactuallyinvolvesasequenceofapproaches:PlanA,PlanB,PlanC,PlanD,andPlanE.Thenextfivechapters

explainthoseplansonebyone.Thepurposeofeachplan(andthusofchapters2through6)iseithertohelpthegroupreframeaparticularconflicttoaproblemtheycansolveasateamortolaythegroundworkfortakingtheconflictontothenextplan.

PlanA:LookforSharedGoalsandWin/WinSolutions

Chapter2discussestheapproachyou'llbeginwithandkeepreturningto:focusingattentiononthesharedgoalsandtheparties'compatiblegoals.Aconflictbecomesmerelyaproblemwhenthewholegroupcanbrainstormtogetherandactcooperativelytotackleit.Itwillstillrequirecreativity,co-ordination,feedback,andotheraspectsofteamwork.Butfromthepointofviewofthisbook,aconflictisnolongeraconflictwhenthegroupisaddressingproblemstogether.

TechniquesusedinPlanAareactivelistening(listeningwellyourselfandcoachingotherstodoso),goalsorting,andencouragingcandoraboutthefeelingsandconcernsbehindpeople'sgoals.

PlanB:Clarify,Sort,andValueDifferences

Chapter3takesupthoseexpressedgoals,concerns,andperceptionsthatarenotsharedbyalltheparties.Somearebasedonmisunderstandings,whichyoucanclearup.Somearedifferencesinpointofviewfrompersonalcommunicationstylestoculturalandoccupationalmind-sets.Yourjobistoturnthosepointofview(POV)differencesintostrengthsoftheteamorofthewholeorganization,insteadofsourcesofconflict.PlanBalsosortsoutissuesresultingfromindividualpersonalityproblems,mentalhealthproblems,orunacceptablebias.

Asformerdifferencesvanishorbecomelessimportant,thisapproachcanleadyoubacktoPlanA.Ontheotherhand,itcanalsoclarifywhateachpersonneedstochange(PlanC)iftheyaretoworkasateam.

Doyouhavetopsychoanalyzethegrouporitsindividualpersonalitiesbeforetheycanchangetheirwaysofinteracting?No.Analyzingpersonalitieshasitsvaluebutalsoitslimits.

Psychologicaltestingorcounselingcanoffersomeinsights,whichpeoplewiththerightattitudesandopennessmaybeabletouseconstructively.However,insightswithoutactionplansareunlikelytoworkanymagic.

PlanC:GainCommitmenttoCthange

InChapter4youwilllearnsometechniquesforshiftingpeople(includingyourself,ifyouarepartoftheproblem)awayfrommutualblamingandontoacommitmenttochangetheirownbehavior.

ThewordschangeandresistarelikeheadsandtailsofthesamecoinorYinandYang.Themorechangeoccursorisproposed,themoreresistancewillbeencountered.Thereforegettingpeopletoacceptchangemayrequirereassuringtheminvariouswaysthattheneededchangesarereallyverysmall,alwaysundertheirowncontrol,andthattheyaren'tdirectedbyothersbutbymotivestheythemselveshaveexpressed.

Armedwithagreaterwillingnesstochangetheirattitudesandbehavior,thegroupthengoesbacktoPlansAandB.Oftenthatisenoughtobreaktheirlogjam.Ifnot,youarereadywithPlanD.

PlanD:AnalyzetheRecurringCycle

Supposethedisputedoesn'tgoaway.Itkeepsrearingitsuglyhead,atragicwasteofhumanresources.Fortunately,therepetitivepatternsintheseconflictsaresometimeswhatenableustoresolvethem.Wecananalyzethosepredictablepatterns,blockthem,andreinforcethegroup'sconstructivepatternsinstead.Chapter5showshowtousewhatyoucanreadilyobserveaboutaparticularinterpersonalconflictnotonlytohelpstopthatfamiliarcyclebutalsotoproducesignificant,constructive,sustainablechangeinthewholesystem'sdynamics.

Suchinsightscanshakeupthesystembyprovokingmore-thoughtfulbehavior,givingeveryonereasontostopandreflectontheirhabitualresponses.However,asI'vesaid,organizationalchangeisn'tlikelytohappenjustbecausesomeonehasaglimmerofperceptionintothe"prehistoric"orunconscious

dynamicsthatshapegroupbehavior.Ultimately,organizationalchangerequiresstrategiesandtoolsthataredesignedtoleadtoactionsmorethaninsights.

Actionplansmayworkeveniftheyaren'tbasedonprofoundinsightaboutunderlyingpsychodynamics.Withoutactionplans,insights(nomatterhowprofound)aren'tlikelytoworkanymagic.PlanE:UnilaterallyDemonstrateChange

PlansBorCorDmayleadyouoroneofthepartiestoconcludethattheotherpeopleintheconflictarenotgoingtochange.Thisstillleavesoneapproachtobetriedbeforegivingupontherelationshipaltogether:unilateralchange.Changesinonepersoncangiveeveryoneelsesomethingdifferenttorespondto.

Chapter6showshowtominimizetheriskofunilateral"disarmament"andhowtomaximizeitspositiveimpact.

TheFlowoftheSystem

Thesystempresentedinthisbookissostraightforwardthatwecandisplayitinaflowchart,showninFigure1-1.Asindicated,whenpeoplehaveadisagreement,thereareonlytwoacceptableresolutions:

1.Happilycelebrateyoursuccesswhentheteamattackstheproblemtogether,soitisnolongeraconflict;or

2.Regrettablycutyourlossesbyterminatingrelationships.

Althoughthelatterpossibilitymaymeanafailureofone'shopes,Iconsideritasuccessfulresolutionascomparedtohopelesslyprolongingthebattle.Thatiswhytheflowchartrepeatedlyreturnstothedecisionpointlabeled"Stillworthtrying?"IfPlanAisn'teffective,wemakeajudgmentwhetheritisworthtryingPlanB.Ifthatdoesn'twork,weagainmakea

Figure1-1.Flowchartofsystematicconflictresolution.

judgmentwhethertotryPlanC,andsoon.Therearenorulesaboutrigidlysteppingthroughtheplans,butingeneralonealwayskeepsinsighttheobjectiveofreturningtoPlanAandreframingthe"conflict"asjusta"jointproblem."

Thislogicguaranteesresolutionbytheminimummeansnecessary.Provided,ofcourse,thatyoumightacceptasaresolutionsomethinglike"theindividualisn'tgoingtochangefire

her"or"quityourjobyou'vedoneeverythingyoucan,andtheorganizationwon'tchange."

Thatiswhythequestionofwhenandhowto"giveup"figuresasprominentlyinFigure1-1as"celebrateyoursuccess."Figure1-2expandsthetopoftheflowchart.Itisaquestionofwhethertokeeplookingforthewin/winsolutionortotryforwin/lose(andavoidbeingoneofthelosers).Ifyourowngoalsdon'tincludedestroyingtheotherparty(yet),thenyou'llkeeptrying.GobacktoPlanA,B,C,D,orE.Evenifyouwouldlovetodoawaywiththeotherpartybutyou'renotwillingtoriskmuchdamagetoyourself,then,too,youshouldreturntotheflowchartandkeeptrying.

Youcanalwaysbailoutlater.

Supposeyouarethecreativeservicesdirectorattheadvertisingagencydescribedearlier.Concernedaboutthebackbiting,moraleproblems,andunproductiveinternalcompetition,youpressedthepresidenttoaddresstheproblem.Youhavesupportedthehumanresourcespeople,welcomedtheprogramtheyinitiated,andhavedoneeverythingyoucouldtoimprovecommunicationsfromyoursideoftheorganization.Increasingly,however,itbecomesclearthattheheadofaccountservicesrefusestoworkwithyounomatterwhatyousayordo.Hedeniesthepossibilitythatheorhispeopleareinanywayresponsibleforanyoftheproblems.Worse,forthepresidenttoseehowwrongthatviewis,shewouldhavetoacknowledgethatherownmanagementstylehasnotworkedanideatowhichsheshowsnosignofbeingopen.Youcanworkwithher,butnotwithyourswornenemyinchargeofaccountservices.Eitherhegoesoryougo.

Ifyoufindthattheotherpartyislookingforbloodandisn'tgoingtobesatisfiedwitharesolutioninwhicheveryonewins,thenyoucanheadfortheupperrightcornerofthechart,"Cutyourlosses."Askyourselfhowmuchdamageyouarewillingtosustain(thelossofyourownjob,afailuretomeetdepartmentgoals,orafurtherdeclinein

morale)inthebattletodestroytheother.Iftheansweris"much,"likeakamikazepilotortheherowhoonlyregretsthathehasbutonelifetogiveforhiscountry,thenyoudon'tneedmyhelp.

Figure1-2.Thehopeofwin/winortheriskoflose/lose?

ScienceorArt?

IhaveorganizedthisbooktocorrespondtotheflowchartinFigure1-1.Eachchapterlaysthegroundworkfortakingyourconflictontothenextchapter,ifnecessary.

Doesthismaplikesystemfullycapturetheartofconflictresolution?Manypsychologicalprocessesareatworkwhenconsultantsorleadershelppeopleresolvedifferencesrolemodeling,imitation,bonding,transference,equilibriumseeking,ritualization.Aspsychologyisaprimitiveart,Idon'tpretendtounderstandfullywhatImyselfdoforaliving.Buthavingmymapinmindgivesmeasenseofsecurityandempowermenttoventurealittlefartherintotheforest.

Nomatterhowtheconflictblowsup,IknowIcanatleastfindmywayhomeagain.Thismakesmealittlemorewillingtoventuredownpathsthatmayormaynotleadtoaresolution.

ThatishowtouseFigure1-1aswellastheflowchartsinlaterchaptersthatexpandeachofthefiveplans.Theydon'tbegintoreducetheartofhumanrelationshipstoacomputerprogrambuttheywillatleastenablethereadertobeassystematicaspossible.

IncorporatingThisSystemIntotheOrganizationalCulture

Resolvingaconflictisalwaysworthwhile;butevenbetterischangingtheorganizationalculturesothatfutureconflictsresolvemoreeasily.

Chapter7suggeststhatthissystemisaninvaluabletoolforeveryorganizationalchangeagenttohaveinhisorhertoolkit.Itisbothadiagnostictoolandaninstrumentthatcan,intherighttimeandplace,pushanorganizationorasmallgroupinthedirectionofateamworkculture.

Wewon'tbesatisfiedtoresolvethecurrentproblem.Weneedsignificant,constructive,sustainablechangeinthewhole

system'sdynamics.Wheneveryoutrytohelppeopleresolveaconflict,theoutcomemightberatedalongakindofladder(Figure1-3).The

Figure1-3.Hierarchyofteam-buildingoutcomes.

highestaspirationyou,asanagentofchange,mightsetyoursightsonistoinstitutionalizethisentiresystemofconflictresolutionwithinyourorganization'sculturesothatitbecomespartofthemembers'day-to-dayexpectationsabouttheirteamwork.Atthatpoint,Isuggestgivingitanamesuchas[CompanyName]Conflict-ResolvingSystemandcelebratingitasasustainablecompetitiveadvantageforyourorganization.

Intheexperienceofmyclients,thetransformationtoaConflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS)occursonlywhenthecultureisripeforitinthefirstplaceandwhenyourassignmentisbroadlydefined.Itwon'thappenmerelyasafelicitousby-productofresolvingaparticulardispute.

ConflictManagementandTeamBuilding

Teambuildinghasseveralfacets.Onefacetreflectsthepersonalqualitiesandmanagementstyleoftheleadersoftheorganizationasawholeandoftheteamswithinit.Anotherfacetisstructural:findingthemostproductivefunctionalunits,jobdescriptions,andreportingrelationships.Thencomesthepersonneldepartment:gettingthebestpeopleintherightjobswitheffectiveincentives.Andfinally,undertheheadingculture,teambuildingincludesexpectationsaboutappropriateattitudesandmodesofbehaviorinthisorganization.

Thetaskofresolvingconflictsandmaintainingeffectiveinternalcommunicationstouchesallofthosefacets.Inotherwords,thesubjectofthisbookisonlyacomponentofteambuilding.Yetitisthesinequanon:withoutwhich,nothing.Whenyouhaveproblemswithturfboundaries,jobdescriptions,orreportingrelationships,youneedtoresolveconflict.Whencompensationschemesareinconsistentorunfair,whencareerpathsclashwithchangesintheorganization'sneeds,whenlongtimeemployees'expectationsdifferfromthoseofnewrecruits,conflicthastoberesolved.Andwhenleaders'

expectationscollidewiththeorganization'slong-standingculture,conflicthastoberesolved.

Unfortunately,thissinequanonistheleastdevelopedareaofknowledgeamongallthoseaspectsofteambuilding.Yourlibrarycontainsmanymoretitlesaboutleadership,structure,

personnel,andculturethanitcontainsaboutresolvingconflict.Untilnow,conflictresolutionconsistedofagrabbagofprimitivetools.CRSputsthosetoolstogethersystematicallyforthebenefitofthewholeteam-buildingendeavor.

Exercisesvs.aTeam-BuildingStrategy

Youwillfindtwodifferencesherefromothermaterialyoumayhavereadaboutresolvingconflictorimprovingconfluencewithinorganizations.

First,thebookcontainsnoartificialexercisestochangeattitudesorimprovecommunications.Iregardsuchexercisesasoverusedandoverrated.Peoplearestimulatedbyengaginginthembutdon'tconsistentlytransferenoughbacktotheirworkinglivestojustifythetimeandexpense.Itcanbemoreefficientaswellasmoreeffectivetousetheactualconflictsyourpeoplearestrugglingwithasthematerialforyourteam-buildingsessions.

Theseconddifferenceisthatthismaterialismorethanjustalistofapproachesyoucantry.Theflowchartguaranteesresolution,onewayoranother.Asyoukeepmovingthroughtheplans,youwillkeepreturningtothequestionsinFigure1-2.Eitheryouwillgetpeopletacklingtheirproblemstogetheroryouwillredefinetheirrelationships.Thesystemwon'tletyoustagnateinprolonged,unresolvedcomplainingandfingerpointing.

Inshort,youdon'thavetobestymiedbypersonalconflictinyourorganization.Nordoyouhavetochoosewhethertoconcentrateonthepresentcrisisortobuildbetterfunctioningteamsforthefuture.Youshouldalwaysbedoingboth.Whenfacedstraightforwardly,yourconflictisanopportunitytobuildteamwork,enhanceproductivity,andachievepersonalgrowthallatthesametime.

WhoIsinChargeofConflictResolution?

Onewordofadvicebeforeyouproceed.Thisfieldisnotforthetimid.Theroleofconfluencefacilitatordemandsthatyouassert

controlovertheprocess,notoverthesolution.Thedisputantsaregoingtosolvetheirproblem;youaren't.Buttheyneedyoutobeactiveandincontroloftheprocess.

Youcannotputonlyyourtoeintheseturbulentwatersorwadeinonlyuptoyourankles.Tohelppeoplewhoaredrowning,youmustbepreparedtoswim.

Allyouractionsasamediatorarealsodemonstrationsofgoodcommunication.Disputantscanscreamandyellatoneanotherwithoutyourhelp.Theycantradeaccusations,failtorespondtooneanother'sconcerns,avoidtherealissues,denyresponsibility,andresistchange,allwithoutyourhelp.Youaretheretomakeadifference!Takeresponsibilityformaintainingacivildialoguethroughoutallthefollowingapproaches.Controllingtheprocessaccomplishesthreethingsatthesametime.Itallowsyoutoworkontheproblem,obviously.Butitalsoprovidesamodel,throughyourownbehavior,ofhowtomaintainappropriatediscourse.Anditgivespeoplehopethatyoureallycanhelpthem.

Youwillexperiencechangeinyourselfconcurrentlywithchangesinthepeopleyouhelptoworkmoreeffectivelytogether.Asyougainconfidence,youwillfinditeasiertoinspireconfidenceinthem.Astheytaketherisksyouencouragethemtotake,theirtrustinyouwillinturnmakeyoumoreconfident.

Rememberthatyouarenotmakingsickpeoplehealthy.Thepeopleyoucanhelptochangearealreadyhealthy,possessingstrengthsasindividualsaswellasnaturalinstinctsforcollaboration.Allyouhavetodoislisten;joinwiththehopeful,constructiveaspectsofallsidesofadispute;andreflectbacktheiroptimismratherthantheirfears.

Plungein!

Note

1.''AgonyandEcstasyof200CodeWritersBegetWindowsNT,"WallStreetJournal,May26,1993,p.1.

2PlanA:LookforSharedGoalsandWin/WinSolutionsConflictmeansopportunity.Itgivesusreasonsnottogoondoingthesameoldthingsandthinkinginthesameoldways.Wheneverconflictkicksusinthehead,itcreatesanopportunitytoexceedourownexpectations.

Marvinrantheconcretecontractingsubsidiaryofalargeconstructioncompany.At62,hehadalreadygroomedanambitiousyoungsalesman,Ted,totakeoverhisjobifnecessary.Marvinwantedtocontinuerunningitsolongashishealth(whichwasexcellent)permitted.HeandTedclashedfrequentlyforexample,overTed'sdesiretostreamlinetheofficeortopricemoreaggressively.Eachtime,Marvinaskedhimselfiftheywerereallyarguingabouttheissueofthemomentoriftherejustwasn'troomforbothoftheminthecompany.Tedbegantohint,thentosayoutright,thathewouldn'tstayifhedidn'tgetmoreresponsibility.

Marvintookseriouslyhisresponsibilitytotheownerstonurturehissuccessor.InsteadoflettingtheconflictdriveTedaway,thetwomenconvincedthecorporateownertolettheminvestinsomeequipmentandtrainingforcustomarchitecturalforming.Thatspecializedservicesoonbecameprofitable,justifyingMarvin'sfull-timeinvolvementwhileTedtookchargeofthecorebusiness.

Haditnotbeenfortheconflictbetweentheveteranmanagerandhisprotégé,theywouldn'thavefeltthepressureto

takeonthenewventure.Thecompanywouldhavemissedthechancetodevelopitbeforetheiroldmarket,high-riseconstruction,driedup.

However,itwasn'ttheconflictitselfthatbroughtaboutthisresult.ItwasthefactthatMarvinandTedreframedtheirissueintermsofacommongoal(tomakethebusinesscomplex,challenging,andprofitableenoughforbothofthem).InsteadofdisputingtheirconflictingopinionsaboutwhenMarvinshouldretire,theyframedaproblemtheycouldattacktogetherwin/win.ThatisPlanA.

HowtoEncourageGoodDisputes

Itmustnotbeourgoaltopreventconflictordiscouragedisputes.Ourgoalistoencouragegooddisputes.Wewantpeopletodisagreewithoneanotherfreely,constructively,notalwayspleasantlyorkindlybutalwaysrespectingthelegitimacyofotherpointsofviewandthevalueoftheotherperson.Howdosomeorganizationsdothat?

OrganizationsthathaveimplementedaConflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS):

[]Focusoncommongoals[]Don'tsquelchdifferences[]Don'trunawayfromemotions[]Don'ttoleratethedestructive,catastrophic,orwastefulkindsofdisputes

Theseprinciplesapplytoeverystageoftheprocess,butbecausetheybeginwithPlanA,wewillsaysomethinghereaboutallfourprinciples.

FocusonCommonGoalsandCompatibleIndividualGoals

Goodcommunicationdoesn'tcreatecommonalityofpurpose.Quitethereverse:Keepinggroupmembersfocusedupontheirsharedmissionandvisionmakesitmucheasierforthemtocommunicateso

astoresolvedifferencesproductivity.Figure

2-1showshowPlanAproceedsthroughthreesteps.Firstismutualinterviewing.Useactivelisteningand"I"statementstocomparewhatbothsidesreallywant.Second,clarifythemeaningful,positivegoals(settingasidetheredherrings,exaggeratedthreats,gratuitousinsults,andallotherdigressionsfromconstructivecollaboration).Third,prioritizethemostimportantobjectives,givingweighttothosethataremostshared.Ifyouhavenothingbutincompatiblepurposes,PlanAwillmakethatfactevident.

WhenyougettoPlanB,you'llseehowsomesupposedlyincompatiblegoalscanbereframedasvaluablediversepointsofview.Theoptionwillstillexisttoencourage"warfare"orpower-basedsolutions(asshowninFigure1-2)suchaslitigation,terminationoftherelationship,orevenphysicalviolenceifyouchoose.Butabetterfirststepistofocusontheteam's

Figure2-1.PlanA:Lookforsharedgoals.

commonorcompatiblegoals(theinterest-basedapproach)andtotackle,asateam,anyproblemsthatobstructthosepurposes.

Let'sseehowasimplegoal-sortingprocedure,toooftenneglected,canhelpsetasidetrivialdifferencesandcreateaproblem-solvingattitude.Imaginethatyou'vebeenaskedtohelpagroupofmanagersaddresstheirdifferencesconstructively.Insteadoffunctioningasateam,theyhavebeendepletingtheirenergies,time,andthemoraleofothersinthecompanywithpettysquabblesandpowerstruggles.(Forpurposesofthisillustration,theindividuals'titlesandtypesofresponsibilityaren'timportant.)

Meetingwiththeprincipalpeoplewhohaveproblemswithoneanother,youbeginbyaskingeveryonetospelloutallthegoalstheycanthinkofthatmightberelevanteithertowhatcausedtheconflict,what'sobstructingitssolution,orwhyitmustberesolved.Youaregoingtoconstructalist.YouaskAnne,oneofthemanagers,tobegin.Hereisherlist:

Person GoalAnne Endmalechauvinism.

IwantBob'sofficemovedoffthisfloor,orbetteryet,outofthebuilding.GetCarltotakemoreinitiative.

YouasktheotherparticipantsifAnne'sitemsareclearenough,andtheyindicatethatthefirstoneneedsmuchclarification.Annerevisesit:"Createaworkingenvironmentinwhichthewomen'sideas,contributions,etc.,areacknowledgedandvaluedasreadilyasthemen's."Herseconditem,movingBob'soffice,isclearasabellbutisnotreallyagoal.It'saproposedmethodforachievingagoalreducedconflictwithBob,apparentlyandprobablynotthebestmethod.Nevertheless,leaveitonthelist.Afterthefirstroundoflearningwhat

everyonethinkstheywant,youwillcomebacktoAnneandhelpherarticulatemorepositive,longer-termgoalswithabroaderperspective.AsforgettingCarltotakemoreinitiative,thegroupindicatestheyknowwhatAnnemeansbythat.

ThenexttospeakupisBob.HewiselyignoresAnne'shostileremarkandraisesadifferentconcern."Ithinkthebiggest

problemforme,theonlyproblemourgrouphasrightnow,isthatSusanhasonefootoutthedoor."

"Isthatagoal?"theleaderasks,"orisitaperception?"Bobrestatesit,andacoupleofothersassenttothisgoal:

Person GoalBob,Anne,SuLing

FindoutwhetherSusanhasonefootoutthedoor,orwhat?

Themutualinterviewingproceedsuntileveryonehassomeunderstandingofwhattheyallhopeforasaresolution.Youfacilitateclarificationsofalltheirpositionsandconcerns,butselectivelysofocusingonthepositivegoals.Forexample,yougetAnnetostatetherealgoalsbeyondherearlierremarks.Afterhalfanhour,thelistnowreads:

Person GoalAnne Createaworkingenvironmentinwhichthewomen'sideas,

contributions,etc.,areacknowledgedandvaluedasreadilyasthemen's.EndBob'spersonalanimositytowardme.GetCarltotakemoreinitiative.

Bob,Anne,SuLing

FindoutwhetherSusanhasonefootoutthedoor,orwhat?

Bob EndAnne'sperceptionofmeasenemy.Doug Ditto.Bob,Helen,Susan,Carl,SuLing

Getengineerstounderstandmarketingperspectivebetter,andviceversa.

ReducepowerstrugglebetweenDougandAnne.Carl EndAnne'sparanoia.

StopDoug'susurpingauthority.

NowyouprioritizethewholelistassuggestedinFigure2-1,dividing

itintosharedgoals,compatiblegoals,andconflictinggoals.(RememberthatinPlanA,sharedgoalsareyourfirstpriority.)Thisentailsfurtherdiscussion,inthecourseofwhichconsensusemerges.Themostimportantgoalisthenclarifiedmorespecifically:

Sharedgoals:

Getengineerstounderstandmarketingperspectivebetter,andviceversa.Why?Sowe'redesigningforthemarketandmarketingwhatwecanmakebest.

ReducingthepowerstrugglebetweenDougandAnne(thegroupdecides)iscompatiblewiththeirnumber-onegoal.SoisendingtheanimositybetweenAnneandBob.ThosegoalsstayontheagendaforPlanA.

Compatiblegoals: ReducepowerstrugglebetweenDougandAnne.EndpersonalanimositybetweenAnneandBob.

Allotheritemstheapparentlyconflictinggoalsgotothebottomofthelist,tobesavedforPlanB.

Conflictinggoals:

Anne:Createaworkingenvironmentinwhichthewomen'sideas,contributions,etc.,areacknowledgedandvaluedasreadilyasthemen's.Anne:GetCarltotakemoreinitiative.Bob,Anne,SuLing:FindoutwhetherSusanhasonefootoutthedoor,orwhat?Carl:EndAnne'sparanoia.Carl:StopDoug'susurpingauthority.

NoteveryoneagreestheorganizationissexistorthatCarlshouldtakemoreinitiative.Fornow(PlanA),groupmemberswillsetasideallthoseindividualdifferencesandbrainstormabouthowtoachievetheircommongoals.

Don'tSquelchDifferences

Wehavejustcoveredthefirstoffourcharacteristicsofagoodproblem-solvingculture.Thesecondcharacteristic,thatofnot

squelchingdifferences,alsobeginswithPlanA,althoughitbecomesmorecentralinPlanB.

Theideaistoacknowledgedifferenceswithouttryingtoeliminatethem.Youfocusonthegoalsyoumightsharewithoutdenyingthatyou'llprobablyhavetoworkoutother,incompatiblegoalseventually.PlanAismerelyyourfirststeptoestablishaconstructivewin/winapproach.

Peoplewhoareaversetoconflictfrequentlyconciliateprematurely.

Theydon'texploreorevenairtheirdifferenceswithoneanother;inotherwords,theyhavenoalternativestoPlanA.Thiscanunfortunatelybecomeacharacteristicofthegroup'sculture,anormofavoidingdisagreement.Suchgroups,whereconflictistaboo,mayturnouttobemoreconflictedinthelongrunthanthosewhoseculturessupportopendissent.Forthesquelcheddifferencesdon'tgoaway,theyjustgounderground.Eventuallytheyeruptinexaggeratedform.Whenthathappens,theconflictingpositionsaremisunderstoodandleadtooverreactions.Inevitably,thedifferencesappeartobemuchmorerefractorythantheyreallyare.

Apotwiththelidoncomestoaboilfasterandboilsover.Whoaretheworstatavoidingargumentsandsquelchingdifferences?Bossesorseniorcoworkerswhocan'ttolerateachallengetotheirownopinion.Moresuccessfulleadersarecomfortablewithandrewardpeoplewhoquestionthemandwhoeven,attimes,stronglyargueagainsttheleaders'mostcherishedassumptions.Youneedtobethatkindofleaderifyouwantteamworkamongyouremployees.

Fromtheemployees'pointofview,conflictistroublesometothedegreethatitclasheswitheithertheirownculturalandpersonalcomfortlevelsortheircompany'sculture.Apersonwhoisaccustomedtoairingandresolvinginterpersonalconflictsislikelytobeasdistressedinaculturethatsuppressesdissentaspeoplewiththeoppositesortofexperiencewouldbeinaculturethatencouragesdissent.

Don'tRunAwayFromEmotions

Thethirdcharacteristicofeffectiveproblem-solvingorganizationsfollowsdirectlyfromthesecond:Don'tsquelchdifferencesanddon'tsquelchemotions.

Motorolaisanexampleofacompanywhosecultureencouragesdissentandheatedemotions.Itdoesnotconsidercourtesyavirtueifengineersormanagerswithholdcriticismof

anyone'sideas,withintheirowndepartmentsoracrossunits.Onehumanresourcesmanagerexplainedtome,"We'relikeafamilythatencouragessiblingrivalryamongits100,000children."Shereferredtotherivalryamongthecompany'sdozendivisionsandbetweencompetingresearchanddevelopmentideas.Thecompany'swinningphilosophyisthattheycan'tbecompetitiveontheplayingfieldwithouthighemotiononthepracticefieldandinthelockerroomaswell.

AsformerMotorolaCEOGeorgeFisherputit,"Outofconflictcomescatharsis."

Motorola'sleadersareapparentlyconfidentthatgoodideaswillrisetothetopsolongaspassionateargumentisallowed.Theyarebettingthattheadvocatesoflosingideas,shotdowninternallybeforetheygetachancetobeshotdowninthemarketplace,willonlygobacktothelabanddreamupsomethingbetter.Theirfrustrationwon'tbecomeunproductivesolongascriticismsareleveledequitably.

Focusingoncommongoals(PlanA)willusuallymakethediscussionlessemotional.Remember,however,thatyoudon'treallywanttoavoidemotionsaltogether,onlytokeepthemfromdrowningoutdiscourse.ThefactthattheyareundercontrolinPlanAisnotasteptowardburyingthem;itisanopportunitytobegintoacknowledgeandconsiderthoseemotionsthatmaysurfacemoreintenselylater(especiallyinPlansBandD).Thereforeletusmakesomeobservationsonthepsychologyofemotions.

Thereisboundtobejealousy,attimes,inanycompetitivecompany.Stiflingitcouldmeanstiflingthepassionthatdrivesanorganizationtowardexcellence.Andjealousyisonlyoneofmanyemotionsassociatedwithgoodaswellasbaddisputes.

Angercanprovidetheenergytofuelchange.Heateddebateisno

threattoanorganizationwheretheprocessispartoftheculture.Onlycompanieswheresuchprocessesareforeignrunthedangeroffallingapartwhenemotionserupt.

A-N-G-R-Yspellsenergy.Angerisreallyasecondaryemotion.Theprimaryfeelingmightbeunexpressedjealousy,hurt,orfear.Someonewhois

jealous,forexample,mightjumprighttoanger,perhapsconstructingawholerationalefortheangerbasedoninjusticewithoutmentioningjealousyatall.

Hurtmaybethecommonestemotionhidingbehindanger.Thisisbecauseourdefensesagainsthurtgetmobilizedalmostbeforewebecomeconsciousthatsomeonehashurtus.Weareembarrassedorfrightenedtobesovulnerableorwewouldbe,ifweshowedthehurt.Therefore,insteadofacknowledgingit(eventoourselves),wegostraighttotheangeritarouses.Unfortunately,expressedangerdoesn'tinspirethoseatwhomitisdirectedtobemoreempathic,understanding,orhelpful.Angerprovokesfear.Someonewhoisthetargetofangerinterpretsitatthelevelofhisautonomicnervoussystem,nothiscerebrum.Ittriggershis"flight"or"fight"reactioneitherone.Ifthelatter,thenhisangryresponsepromptsanevenmorebelligerentcounterresponse,andsoon.

Theassociatewhohastheforthrightnesstoexpresshurtdirectlygainsabetterchanceofelicitingempathiclistening,ifnotconciliation.

Thebestdefenseisnotagoodoffense.Fearisanotheremotionwedon'talwaysfeelcomfortableacknowledging.Insteadofsaying,"I'mafraid,"wehidebehindblamingothers,asiftherecouldbenodoubtoftheirhostileintentions.Forexample,themanagerwhoisafraidofbeingjudgedexpendablesays,"Theyarelookingforexcusestofireme."Thatwayofexpressingthefearhastworesults.Itputsthecontrolinthehandsofothersbylabelingherselfapassive,helplessvictim.Anditputsthoseothersonthedefensive,alienatingtheverypeoplewhomighthavehelpedher.

Thusthereisnothingtobegainedbydenyingthefeartooneselforhidingitfromothers.Acknowledgingfearputsagoodmotiveonthe

tableforeveryonetoworkwithastheyseekwin/winsolutions.

Sadnessandlossarefeelingswithwhichmanymenareuncomfortableinbusinesssettings,probablyjustbecausetheyaretheoppositeofmacho.Yetdenyingthemdoesn'tfoolanyone.

Itisonlyharderforotherstorelatetosomeonewhoputsastoicfaceonadevastatingpersonalsetback.

Henryjusthadawholedepartmenttakenawayfromhimafterhespentnearlyayearreorganizingit.Hehadreplacedthedeadwoodwithsometechnicalsuperstarsgleanedfromanationalsearch.Uppermanagement'sdecisionthuswipedoutthemostsatisfyingpartofhiswork.Partofhimfeelslikecrying,ashewouldifatornadoflattenedhishouse.ButHenrysuppressesthatfeelingandgoesdirectlytorighteousindignation.Itwasn'tfair!(Asiffairnesshasanythingtodowithsuchdecisions.)

Wrongmove.Appropriatestatementsoflossandsadnessgenerateempathyandunderstanding;complaintsaboutinjusticeandconspiraciesdonot.ItisnotaquestionofwhetherHenryisrightinthinkingotherpartiesareouttogethim.Eveniftheyare,he'dbebetteroffexpressingsadnessandhisfearoffurtherlossthanattributingnefariousmotivestothem.

Guiltisalmostbydefinitionasecretemotion.Afraidtoadmitthatwemayhavewrongedsomeone,wedenyresponsibilityandblameothersevenblamethevictim.Often,however,onehasnothingtolosebyowningresponsibilityforaproblem.Thatdoesn'tprecludeaskingotherstoshareintheresponsibilityforresolvingit.

Finally,considershame.Thesenseofinadequacyisoneofourdeepestdrivingfeelings,yetoneofthehardesttoownpublicly.Itfeelsextrashamefultoadmitshameorembarrassment.Howdisarmingitcanbe,though,ifyoudo:Expectingtohearexcuses,yourcoworkershear,''IfeelashamedthatIfailedtomeetthatdeadline."

Wouldyouthinklessofsomeonewhomadeastatementlikethat?Ormorehighly?Mightyounotimmediatelybegintolistthefactorsbeyondhisorhercontrolthatledtotheproject'sfailure?Youmightevenhavemoreconfidenceinthismanager'sdedicationandjudgment

whenthenextprojectcomesalong.

NoticesomethingaboutalltheemotionsIhavetouchedonhere.Iforganizationalnormsdiscouragetheirexpressionorifindividualsinstinctivelysuppressthemthereisahumantendencytodisguisetheseemotionsbehindmorehostile,defensive

Whenorganizationalnormsdiscouragetheexpressionof"weaknesses"suchashurt,fear,sadness,orshame,peoplearemorelikelytosubstituteaggressivefeelings(jealousy,anger,desireforrevenge)andtoescalatedisputestothepointwherePlanAisimpossible.attacksthatonlymakeresolutionmoredifficult.Or,perhapsworse,onesuppressesallreactionatthetimewhenone'sfeelingscouldhavebeenbestdealtwith,sotheyarepostponedonlytoresurfacelater,moredestructively.

Don'tTolerateTheDestructive,Catastrophic,OrWastefulKindsofDisputes

Besidesfocusingongoals,valuingdifferencesofopinion,andencouragingtheexpressionofemotions,thefourththingsuccessfulproblem-solvingorganizationsdoisrefusetoallowrancortofester.Membersinsistonafairfight,whichmeansthataprocessofbetterunderstandingandproblemsolvinghastobecomeanormoftheorganization:"Wedon'tfightdestructively;wefightconstructively."

Althoughherresponsibilityiscostaccounting,Lizhasaninterestinthequalityofteamworkthroughouttheplant.Sosheisconcernedwhenshehearsvoicesraisedintheoffice."Itoldyoutostayoutofmyshop,"shoutsaforemannamedHarry.Liz'sassistant,Chang,repliesabusively.Four-letterwordsflybackandforth,andChanglungestowardtheolderman,butacoworkerrestrainshim.

Theheadofmanufacturing,Liz'sboss,emergesfromhisofficeandsays,"Okay,Harry,youmadeyourpoint.Nowgobacktotheshopandcooloff."

AfterHarrywithdrawsandChanggoesoutsideforacigarette,Lizlistensastheircoworkersrecountthefightandspeculateaboutwhatledtoit.Herbosshasreturnedtoatelephonecall,butwhensheseeshimhangup,sheassertsherself."Ithinkit'simportanttoletthemcleartheair,"shesays."Coolingoffwon'tsolveit."

Afewminuteslater,bothmanagerssitwithHarryandChang

intheotherwiseemptylunchroom."Somethingthatcouldgetyoubothsoupsetmustbeimportant,"Lizsays."Resolvingitisevenmoreimportant.Weneedyoutotaketurnslisteningtowhathappenedfromtheotherguy'spointofview."

Itdoesn'thappenthatway,unfortunately,inmostorganizations.Itistootemptingtohopethingswillblowoverandoftentheydo.Butthenegativeeffectonmorale,oftheobserversaswellastheantagonists,iscumulative.

Youwon'talwaysbeabletorespondsoquicklyasintheforegoingexample,butthesoonerthebetter(providedtempershavecooledalittle).Justmakeitarule:Nowoundisallowedtofester,nohostilitiesareallowedtowearonandon.Anyseriouspersonalconflictintheorganizationbecomesprioritynumberone.Likeamarriedcouplewhopledgenevertoendthedayangryatoneanother,theorganizationmembersshouldexpecttotreatanyconflictasanacuteminicrisisbeforeitbecomeschronic.Aninsincere"forgetit"isneverallowedtobethelastword.No"businessasusual"whiletheconflictcontinuestoboil.

COMPANYPOLICY:Nooneinthisorganizationgoeshomefortheweekendholdingagrudge.Ifyou'refightingmad,that'sokaysolongasbyFridayyouhaveeitherresolveditwiththepartiesconcernedorsetupaprocessthatwillleadtoawin/winresolution.Itisn'teasytoinsistoncontinuingtotalkaboutaconflictthathassimmereddowntemporarily.Whatcomesmorenaturally,whentensiondropsfrom6ontheRichterscaledowntoamere2or3,thantobreatheasighofreliefandjustputitoutofmind?Thehardthingistosay,"Thisisimportant,"andtoinsistonexploringtheproblemwhenotherpeoplewouldjustassoonbackawayfromit.

Ofcourse,thereisvalueinlettingfighterswithdrawtotheircorners.Theydoneedtocooloff.Butthereisdangerinlettingthempretend

tobelievethefightisoverwhenitisnot.

Ideally,thecease-fireisatimeforconstructive,sustainableproblemsolving.

Youmayheardenialwhenthereisacease-fire:"Itwon'thappenagain."Attheveryleast,gettheantagoniststopledgethattheywillengageinheavy-dutyarmisticetalksifandwhentheirhostilitiesdoresume.

TheArtofListening

Solvinginterpersonalproblemsisanordinary,routinepartofeveryone'sresponsibilityasamemberofateam.That'swhatitmeanstohaveCRSaspartofyourculture.Youdon'twanttobringinaconsultanttomediateeveryseriousdispute.Youneednormativestructuresthatencouragedebateratherthandebacle.Normsarethewayspeopleinanorganizationexpectoneanothertobehave.WithCRS,peoplecometoexpectthatinterpersonalproblemswillberesolved.Dealingwitheventhemostintenseconflictwillnotbeanextraordinaryprocess;itwillbeunderstoodasnormal.

Figure2-2listsothersuchnorms,dosanddon'tstoaddtothefourdiscussedabove.Thereissomethingcuriousaboutthislist.Allthebehaviorsintheleftcolumncomequitenaturallytouswhenweinteractwithpeoplewedon'thavecloserelationshipswithorwhosefavorwedon'ttakeforgranted:customers,forexample.Youwouldn'tthinkofcallingyourcustomeranameoraccusingherofdeliberatelytryingtoconfoundyou.Unfortunately,itseemstobeoneofthefoiblesofhumannaturethatbetweenfamilymembers,lovers,andinanygroupofindividualswhoworkcloselytogetherandthinktheyknoweachotherfairlywell,peoplebegintotakeoneanotherforgrantedandthusneglectmanyoftheamenitiesthathumandiscoursehasevolvedforairingdifferenceswithoutdebacle.

Thismeansthatmostinterpersonalconflictwithinorganizations(and

alsowithinfamilies)canbeavoidedentirelyifpeoplesimplytreattheirfellowmembersastheirmostimportantclients.Whatisforemostinourmindswhenwetalkwithcustomersandclients?Notourdifferencesofopinionorconflictinginterestsbutourinterestinprovidingthegoodsorservices

Figure2-2.Dosanddon'tsforteamwork.

CulturalnormsthatencourageDEBATE

CulturalnormsthatencourageDEBACLE

Focusoncommongoals:

Institutionalizewin/winprocedures. Encouragewin/losecompetition.

Insistoninvestigativeclarification. Letactionsbebasedonassumptionsorsubjectiveimpressions.

Demand"whatcanwedotohelp?" Demandexcuses.Leteachfeelaccusedorendangered.

Emphasizeplanningandpreparationforchange.

Keep'emguessin'.

Don'tsquelchdifferences:

Createsafeharborsforretreat. Cornerpeopleuntiltheirviewsmatch.

Basepromotionsonperformance,evaluatedasobjectivelyaspossible.

Basepromotionsonfavoritismorapparentlyarbitraryfactors.

Labeldissentingviewsasvaluedcontributions.

Stressunityandloyaltytothepointofsuppressingdissent,complaints,andmeaningfulcommunicationoutsideofreportingrelationships.

Labelexpressionsofdiscontentasimportantinformation.Don'trunawayfromemotions:

Respectintrospection;validatetheemotionalside;supporttherapyasawayforindividualstoseparatecurrentissuesfromtheirpersonalunresolvedconflicts.

Treatemotionasaweakness,therapyastherefugeofweaklingsandpsychos.

Don'ttoleratedestructivekindsofdisputes:

Insistonface-to-facediscussion. Leteachfaction'smemberscomplainamongthemselvesabout"thoseguys."

Insistonrulesofactivelistening.

Insistonaddressingacts,notpersons. Letthemantagonizeeachother.

theyneed.Ifweslipintoamoreoppositionalmodeofdiscoursewithfamilymembersorteammates,itisusuallybecausewetaketherelationshipandoursharedgoalsforgranted.WeskipPlanA.Weeitherforgetaboutorresentthequestion,"Whatcanwedotomaketherelationshipwork?"aquestionthatissecondnatureinlessimportantrelationships.

Peopledotheirmosteffectivecommunicatingwithcompletestrangers.Activelisteningiswhatallofusdo,forexample,

Mostbreakdownsinteamworkwouldneverhappenifwerememberedtotreatourteammateswiththebasiccourtesieswenormallyextendtocustomers.whenweaskfororgivedirections.Thelesswellweknowtheotherperson,themoreweinstinctivelyusethetechniquesofactivelistening.Wedoitmostofallifthereisapartiallanguagebarrieroranoisychannel,aswastypicallythecaseintheearlydaysofcitizensband(CB)radios.Buteveninanordinarydialogue,whenyouaretalkingwithacustomer,youdon'tassumethatyourjobistotalkandhisjobistounderstandyou.Youtakeresponsibilityforensuringthathedoesunderstandandforclarifyinganythinghedoesn'tunderstand:Youdon'tblamehimifheisconfused.Andyoualsotakeresponsibilityforlisteningandformakinghimknowthatyoulistenedandunderstoodwhathewantedtosayorask.Evenwhenyoucan'tgratifyhisrequest,youcanmakehimfeelpositiveaboutinteractingwithyou.

Therulesofactivelisteningare:

RulesForTheSpeaker

1.Mustnotyieldtheflooruntil(s)hefeelslistenedto.

2.Shouldnotaskaquestionuntil(s)heispreparedtoswitchrolesandlistentotheanswer.

RulesForListeners

1.Whiletheotherhasthefloor,mustnotinterruptwithareply,opinion,orevennonverbaldisagreementwithanyofspeaker'sstatements.

2.Mustreflectbackwhattheyunderstandtobespeaker'sviews(acknowledgingandverifyingthenegativeordisagreeableviewsaswellasthepositive).

3.Mustaskquestionstoclarifyanythingtheydon'tunderstand.4.Whentheywanttoreply,mustfirstchecktobesuretheyhaveunderstoodcorrectlyandthengetpermissiontobethenewspeaker.

Ifyouhaven'talreadyinternalizedsomesuchsetofrulesorifyouwanttopolishyouruseofthetechniquesofactivelistening,readingtheAppendixwouldbeusefulbeforecontinuingwiththischapter.

HowToCoachActiveListening

Whenyouconductpeopleinactivelistening,yourovertconcernmaybetofacilitateadialogueabouttheircurrentissuessoastofindawin/winresolution.Butthereisalwaysatleastasecondarygoal,ifnotyourmostimportantpurpose,ofhelpingthemlearntohavesuchdialoguesinthefuturewithoutyouraid,andbeforetheyreachacrisis.

Henceeveryfacilitatedactivelisteningsessionisatrainingsession.Youareexplicitlyinstructingtheminaskillandsetofsocialrules,andyouarealsoprovidingarolemodelbyyourownlisteningbehavior.

Attimesitbecomesappropriateandnecessarytoputthetrainingagendafirstevenifitslowsdownthedialogue.Notonlyisthetrainingprobablymoreimportantinthelongrunthantheparticularissueathand,,butit'salsofranklyusefultopullthedisputantsawayfromthevolatilityoftheirshoutingmatchbytransformingitintoanorderly,rationalcommunicationsexercise.

Enlisteveryonetohelpcoachoneanother.Say,forexample,whenRogerhasthefloor,"Therestofyou,holdupyourhandwhenyouhearanyoneotherthanRogermakeastatementofopinionortrytotakethefloorfromRogerwithoutrepeatinghispointbacktohim."

Everytimetheyslipintoattributingfeelings,opinions,ormotivestoothers,remindthem,"Tellaboutyourself;askabouttheother."Iftheyarefamiliarwiththeconceptof"I"statements,thatphraseremindsthemtotalkabouttheirownfeelings,desires,anddifficulties.Ithelpsthemavoid''thereyougoagain,""youalways,""youaretryingto"and"youare[crazy/stupid/cruel/lying]."(Thereisnothingwrongwith

thewordyouinsincerequestions"Howdoyoufeelabout?"orinreferringtospecificevents"Whenyoucalledmeanidiot,Ifelthurt.")

AusefultrainingdeviceistoputupanA-I-Rchart(Figure2-3)andpointtothethreestepseachtimealistenerwantsthefloor.Italsomakesagoodtake-homehandout.

Sometimesithelpstosaytothespeaker,"Pretendyou'reaninvestigativereportertryingtofindoutwhatRogerreallybelievesandwants.Nomatterhowcrazyyoumaythinkheis,you'renotgoingtoinjectyourownopinionintotheinterview.Becausethisisn'taboutyourposition,it'sabouthisposition."

Figure2-3.ClearingtheA-I-R.

Youmightadd,"Don'tworry,you'llgetyouropportunitytohavethefloor."

You'llprobablyhavetostopspeakersfromgivingupthefloortooreadily.

Afterlisteningpassivelyforafewminutes,alistenersays,"MayIhavethefloor?"

Cina[speaker]:Sure.

Coach:No!Don'tgivehimtheflooruntilyou'resureheunderstoodyourpoint.

Gina[speaker]:Okay,no[laughs],youcan'thaveflooruntilyouunderstandwhatI'msaying.

Tom[listener]:Iunderstandwhatyou'resaying.NowmayIhavethefloor?

Gina[speaker]:Yes,youmay.

Coach:No,notyet.Youcan'tknowthatheunderstoodyoujustbecausehesayshedid.Youneedhimtorepeatbackwhatheheardyousay.

Tom[listener]:Yousaid

Coach:Sorry,let'stakeitfromthetop.You,Tom,feelyouhaveheardGina'spointandyou'dliketorespond,right?Okay,thenyouneedtosay,"Iheardyousayingthat"andsummarizeitbacktoher.Thenaskifyougotitright.Then,whenyouknowthatshefeelsshewasheard,askifyoucanhavethefloor.

Tom:Whatifshesaysno?

Coach:Thenyoudon'treallywantthefloor,yousee,becauseifshedoesn'tfeelshewasheard,she'scertainlynotgoingtobelisteningtoyouwhenit'syourturn.

Tom[listener]:IheardyousayingthatIamamalechauvinistbecauseIthinkthewomeninthisofficeareheretomakethemen'sliveseasierand

notviceversa,andalsothatsomeofmyjokesaren'tfunny.Right?

Gina[speaker]:Ididn'tjustsaytheyaren'tfunny;Isaidtheyareoffensiveanddegrading.

Tom[listener]:Offensiveanddegrading.NowmayIhavethefloor?

Gina:Yes,youmay.

Tom[nowspeaker]:Okay,Idon'tagreethat

Coach[interrupting]:Welldone,bothofyou!Youachievedanexchange

ofturns.Now,Gina,rememberthatyouarethelistener.Tomcannowsaywhateverhedecidestosay,andyou'retheinvestigatortryingtolearnwhathisviewpointmightbe.I'llhelpyou.

Speakersoftentrytomakemorepointsthanlistenerscankeeptrackof.Encouragethelistenerstoattemptaskingforthefloorassoonastheyhaveheardachunkofopinionthey'dliketorespondtoandbeforethespeakergoesontoanotherpoint.

Wheninterlocutorshavetroublerememberingwhohasthefloororkeepjumpinginwithareaction,Iusuallyuseanobjectlikemywatchorathrowpillowasakindof"scepter"forthespeakertohold."Youdon'thavetowaituntilyouhavesaideverythingyouwanttosaybeforegivingupthescepter,butdon'tgiveittoJayuntilyouaresurehehasunderstoodtheonepointsothatyou'llbeabletomakeyourselflistentohisresponse."

Thescepteralsoworkssubliminallyasacalmingdevicewhentempersareoutofcontrol.Asoftcushionisidealforthatreason.Aletteropener,armyknife,orbaseballbatdoesn'tworkverywell.

ValidatingBothSides

Readersofthisbookareprobablyfairlygoodattheskillof"joining":reachingouttomakeanotherpersonfeelcomfortablewithyou,trustyou,andconsideryoucapableofsharinghisorherperspective.Wemakejoiningmovesnaturally,subconsciously,manytimeseachday.Joiningbecomesmorechallenging,however,inthecontextoftwoormoreindividualswhoareinconflict.Howdoyoujoinwithalloftheminabalanced,equitablewaywhentheyareatoddswitheachother?

Theanswerisnottoavoidtakingsides.Itistotakesidesalternatelyandselectively.Everythingyousayasamediatorwilloccupyapositionsometimesclosertooneside,sometimesclosertotheother.

Youneedtodevelopaconstantawarenessofhowandtowhatpurposeyou'rejoiningwithone,theother,both,orapositionbeyondeitherofthem.

Youarenotneutral.Unlikejudicialdisputeresolution,

BalancedJoiningUnlikeajudicialmediator,youarenotneutral.Youdotakesides;onlyyoujoinwithbothsidesalternatelyandselectively.thereisnosuchthingasaneutralfacilitatorofharmonywithingroups.Althoughyouaren'tinterestedinonesidewinningandonelosing,youdohaveopinionsabouttheirrespectivepositions.ItiscleartoyouthatantagonistXis"right"aboutcertainpointsandwrongheaded,orunnecessarilystubborn,aboutothers;whereasYis"right"tobehaveincertainwaysandjustplainsillytobesuchastickaboutsomethings.Ifyoutriedonlytofacilitatetheprocess,withoutadvocatingforthedirectionyoubelievetobeintheirbestinterestasagroup,theywouldn'tgetthefullbenefitofyourexperienceandinsightsowhyshouldtheycontinuetoemployyou?

(Incidentally,likeactivelistening,thisadviceappliesnotjusttoPlanAbutthroughoutyourdealingswithpeoplewhoaren'tdealingwellwitheachother.Joinwiththemalternatelyandselectively.)

Figure2-4showsamediatorcriticizingsomeone'sbodylanguageduringadialogue.HeapproachesantagonistXrespectfullyandgently,makestheobservationasnonjudgmentallyaspossible,thenjoinswithXmomentarily.("Maybeyoudidn'trealizeyouwerecomingacrosslikethis.")Immediately,hejoinssympatheticallywiththeotherantagonist,Y,takingtheriskofalienatingX.JustwhenYisbeginningtofeelvindicatedandself-righteous,however,themediatorturnsthetables.Hesays,ineffect,"IfeltjustasturnedoffasyoudidbyX'sbehaviorbutlookhowIhandledit.Couldn'tyoudosomethingsimilar?"Beforetheyknowwhatdidn'thitthem,thepartiesheartheirmediatorjoiningwiththegoodintentionsofXandchallengingbothofthemtochange.

Thistechniqueisanintuitivebalancingact;itimproveswithpractice.Abeginneristemptedtostayneutral,butyou'llloseyourstatusasatrustedfacilitatorofwin/winresolutionassurelybyfailingto

acknowledgetherightandhealthypartsof

Figure2-4.Balancedjoining.

theirrespectivepositionsasyouwillifyoumisjudgehowfaronepartywilltrustyoutosupporttheother.

Remembertheyreallywantwin/win.Eachofthemwantsyoutobesympathetictotheothersideaswellastheirown.Theyareuncomfortableabouttheriftbetweenthem;theyneedtoreconcile.Theyarerelievedwhenyoumodelforthemthepossibilityofdoingso,helpingthemreconnectwiththepartsofthemselvesthatwanttorespectandcooperatewitheachother,whichtheirangerhasstifled.

Youwilltakesidesmoreprovocativelyasyoucementyouralliancewiththemastheytrustyouandrelyonyourhelp.Althoughyou'llgofurtherfromthecenterandhangouttherelonger(sometimesfordaysorweeks,whilepeoplereconsidertheirpositions),alwaysyou'llbedoingsowithagreatdealofthoughtaboutwhataspectoftheirpositionyouareselectivelysupporting.ItwillalwaysbeonlyamatteroftimebeforeyourejoinsideXorreturntothemiddleground,hopingtobringsideYbackwithyou.

Win/WinConflictResolution

Activelisteningdoesnotensurethatyouwillfindcommongoals.Itonlymakesitpossibletodoso.Alloftheforegoingdosanddon'tsareforapurposeinPlanA:tokeepredefiningtheproblem.Ifyoulosesightofthatpurpose,youcouldlistenuntilthecowscomehome;youcouldexchangeviewsthoroughly,yetnevermakeprogress.Thewholegrouphastokeepitseyeonthegoal(ifyouarethefacilitator,yourprincipaltaskistoremindthem)offindingthenewideathatworksbestforall.

Obviously,conflictsdon'talwaysendhappilyforeitherparty.Inthisageofrunawaylitigation,win/losebattlesoftenwinduplose/lose,witheveryonebloodiedexcepttheattorneys.Youfirsthavetoaskyourself,"IsitimportantthatIdefeattheother?"andfurther,iftheanswertothatisyes,"AmIwillingtoriskmuchlossonmyownsidetogainthatresult?"Ifyouarereadingthisbook,youaren'tpreparedtopaythatprice.Youknowthatwhenonesideloses,theothersideusuallyturnsoutalsotohavelostmorethanitwon.Youarelookingforthewin/winoutcome.

Win/windoesn'thavetomeancompromisebothsidesgettinglessthantheyhadhopedfor.Theidealisfortheoutcometobeevenbetterforallthanwhattheymighthavegainedbyawin/loseapproach.

Otherwise,howcanwesaythat"conflictmeansopportunity"?

Digdeeper,therefore,intowhatbothpartiesreallywant.Whenyoudiscoverbothfullsetsofgoals,yourownandtheother's,chancesarethattheywilloverlapmorethanyou

thought.Redefinetheproblemandtakeanotherlookatit.Isitstillaconflict?Thatis,dothepartiesstillseemtowantonlyincompatibleoutcomes?Ifso,youcanreconsiderthe"warfare"option(seeFigure1-2),oryoucancomebackoncemoretodigdeeperandreframetheproblemandtryagain.Ifitnolongerappearstobeaconflict,thenyouproceedtoattacktheproblemasateam.Youdon'tneedPlansB,C,andsoforth,forthatparticularproblem.

Suppose,however,teamworkcontinuestoeludeyouandthepolaroppositewarfareisstillunappealing.Youhavedugdeeperandyouhaveredefinedtheproblemmorethanonce,andyouorthepeopleyouaretryingtohelphavethedistinctfeelingthatyou'veexhaustedthatapproach."Wehavebeenheretoomanytimesbefore."Thenitisn'tjustamatteroflisteningactivelyandclarifyinggoalsrationally.Thegroupofsquabblingindividuals,orthewholeorganization,mayneedtolearntovaluedifferences.

ThatistheobjectofPlanB.

3PlanB:Clarify,Sort,andValueDifferencesTheproblemhasn'tgoneaway.InPlanA,wefocusedontheparties'commongoals,setasidetheirthreatsandtheirunrealisticdemands,clarifiedtheirmostimportantobjectivesasspecificallyaspossible,andputthoseinsomekindofrankorder.Thosestepsoftendorevealwin/winsolutions(orfreepeopletodiscoverthem),butlet'sassumePlanAdidn'taccomplishenough.Thedisputantsarestillmilesapart.Yournextapproachfocusesonthedifferencesthatyoutriednottobedistractedbyatfirst.

Figure3-1expandsthesectionoftheCRSflowchart(Figure1-1)thatbearsthelabel"PlanB."AswastrueinPlanA,yourgoalisstilltoreframetheprobleminsuchawaythattheteamcanattackittogetherinsteadofattackingoneanother.ThestrategyofPlanBistogetallthedisputantstolisteverygrievance,offense,dispute,andpresumedincompatibilitytheycanthinkof,asshowninFigure3-1.Takeplentyoftime.(Ofcourse,thelistdoesn'treallyhavetobeanywherenearcomplete;conflictresolutionisaperpetual,ongoingprocess.)

Theparticipantsdon'thavetoagreethatanitembelongsonthelist.Iftheydisagreeaboutwhethersomethingisaproblem,it'sanimportantdifferenceofopinion.Forexample,ifsomepeoplefeelthattheengineersandthemarketersfailtocommunicate,putthatonthelist.

TheprocedureoutlinedinFigure3-1allowsthegrouptoperformakindofemergencyroomtriageamongthevariouslistedcomplaints:toeliminatethemisunderstandings,toincreasemembers'respectanddiplomacytowardoneanother,to

Figure3-1.PlanB:Clarify,sort,andvaluedifferences.

turndiversityintostrengthsratherthanstrains,andtocallattentiontoindividualproblemsthatcannotbeaddressedasagroupprocess.

Thesesortingscreens(misunderstanding,insensitivity,pointofview,andindividualissues)aren'talwaysmutuallyexclusive.Forexample,anissuemightbepartlyamatterofmisunderstanding,whichgetsclearedup,andpartlyofinsensitivity,whichgetstargetedforchange,andalsocouldinvolvediversityinpointsofview,whichshouldbeturnedintoastrength.Or,apersonwhoconsistentlyoffendsothersmayneedmorethanjusthavinghisinsensitivitypointedoutto

him.Hishostilecommentsmightbesymptomsofapersonalityoremotionaldisorder,problemsweshallreturntoundertheheading''IndividualIssues."

Let'sfollowthosesamehypotheticalissuesthatcameupinthegoalsortingofPlanA,throughthePlanBtriageprocess.

Misunderstandings

LookattheleftsideofFigure3-1(step2).ItturnsoutthatSusandoesn'thaveintentionsofleavingtheorganizationatall.

Farfromit!Shelovesherjob;thecircumstantialevidencethatledtotheimpressionshewasunhappyandseriouslylookingelsewherewascompletelymisconstrued."Youshouldn'thaveinferred,youshouldhavejustaskedme,"shesays,intheactivelisteningsessionthatfollowsyourlistmakingandsheisright.Crossthatoneoffthelist.

Youmaywelldoubtthathumanbeingsaresostraightforward.PerhapsSusanislying,eithertothegrouportoherself.Theremustbesomereasonforpeople'simpressionthatshehadonefootoutthedoor.Nonetheless,thebeautyofthisprocedureisthatwedon'thavetoplumbthedepthsofeveryquestion.IfSusanchoosestoplaythishandclosetoherchest,we'llletherdothat.Oneofthreethingswillhappen:(1)Itwillprovetohavebeen,indeed,amisunderstanding,(2)whatevergameSusanwasplaying,shewon'tplayagain,or(3)theissuewillsurfaceagaininsomeform,andnexttimeitwon'tgetscreenedoutatthe"misunderstanding"level.Inshort,thereisn'tmuchriskinlettingarealissueslipby;itwilleitherresolveitselforcomearoundagain.

Insensitivities

Otheritemsarenotsomuchmisunderstandingsasinsensitivities.Twosuchitemsinourillustrationeachhappentobeanimportantissueaswellasamatterofinsensitivity.Malechauvinismisbothanunacceptablepatternofdebasement,dealtwithinstep3ofFigure3-1,andanopportunitytodiscusspointofview(POV)differences,whichthegroupwilldoatlengthinstep4.Similarly,"Anneisparanoid"isnamecallingbyCarl,butwhenreframedmoresensitively,itisanissueyouplantoaddresswithAnneindividually(step5).

Youdon'tneedalessonontreatingpeoplewithrespect,oronthefactthatculturalinsensitivityisbadforbusiness.Iwon'trehashwhathasalreadybeensaidinseveralgoodbooksaboutdiversityintheworkplaceandabouthowstereotypingunderminesproductivity.

workplaceandabouthowstereotypingunderminesproductivity.

1Pertinenttoourdiscussion,though,iswhathappenswhenyoudotrytoputprejudiceaside.What'sthefirstmistakepeoplemakewhentheydeterminetostretchbeyondtheirprejudicesandreachacrossthesex,race,orculture

gap?Theypatronize,unintentionallyandwithoutevenbeingawarethattheyaredoingit.Then,havingoffendedtheotherperson,theirnaturalnextstepistosay,"Thosepeopleareparanoid."Andtheretheyareagain,milesapart.

Mistake:"I'mreallygladwehaveourfirstfemalepartner,Sandra.It'stakenthisfirmlongerthanmosttobreaktheglassceiling.You'reluckythere'sbeensomuchpressureforit."(Nowwhydidshetakeoffenseatthat?Womenareweird!)

Mistake:"Youdon'tlookJewish."(Nohorns?)

Mistake:"Say,bro',what'shap'nin'?"(Whiteguytoblackguyimplying,Thecolorofyourskintellsmeyoudon'tspeakstandardEnglish.)

Theseexamplesshowhowtheawarenessofanotherperson'sgender,nationality,race,orreligion(orphysicalhandicap,speechdefect,sexualpreference,orattractiveness)doesn'tnecessarilyequatewithgreatersensitivity.(TheMontyPythongroupusedtodoatelevisionsketchwhereamanwithanenormousnosecameintoanofficeandtheofficialkeptsayingthingslike,"Pleasesitdown,Mr.Nose,er,Smith.")

Istheanswer,then,toavoidallreferencestorace,religion,gender,ordisabilities?Notnecessarily.Ineachofthelastthreeexamplesthefirstwomanpartner,aJewishperson,andawhiteguytalkingtoablackguymakingnoreferenceatallwouldhavebeenpreferable.ButifyouworkinanofficeorplantwherehearingHispanicmusicalldaydrivesyoucrazy,youshouldbringitup.Thepointistodoitinavoicethatimplies"we"ratherthan"you"or"them."

Mistake:"I'msickoftheLatinostationyoupeoplelistentoallday."

Better:"Iwonderifwecouldeitherfindastationwealllike,or

developsomesortofrotationsystem,takingturnsas'radiotuneroftheday'?"

Pov

Infilmmaking,POVstandsforthecamera'spointofview.Evenifwewereallobjectivelenses(whichwearenot),ourposition

andthedirectionwearelookingwouldstillbiaswhatwesee.Whenothersconfirmthatourobservations,analysis,andgoalsareentirelyvalid,thatonlymeanstheyshareourpointofview.Thechallengeofresolvingdisagreementsoftenbeginswithtryingtocomprehendtheproblemfromthepointofviewofotherswhobelongtoadifferentgroup,cometothesituationfromadifferentbackground,orthinkinadifferentway.

AsIhavealreadysuggested,differentPOVsareagoodthing.Differencesthatlookatfirstlikefundamentalconflictscanbeexactlytheopposite,spurstocreativity.

ManykindsofPOVdifferencesoccurwithinorganizations.Allofthefollowingkindshaveincommonthefactthattheypotentiallyenrichthewholeteambutalsotaxthelimitsofmutualunderstanding.

Stylevs.Style

Muchissaidthesedaysaboutcommunicationstyles,thinkingstyles,personality"types"(includingthepopularMyers-Briggsdimensions)oversimplificationsthatofferhopetothosewhostruggletorelievedisharmonyinorganizations.Ifonlytherewereasystemformatchingtherighttypes,wecouldputpeoplewhopossesscertaincharacteristicstogetherwithpeoplewhoarebestatappreciatingthosecharacteristics,andwhointurnhappentobringtheteamjustthosequalitiesthattheotherscandiscernandcapitalizeupon.

Usually,thatdoesn'thappen.Thosewhosestylesaremostdifferentoftenseekeachotherout.Invariably,whentwopeopledecidetogointobusinesstogether(orwhensomeonehiresakeyassociate),it'sbecausetheypossessdifferenttalentsandskills,complementingoneanother's.Soonerorlater,theirdifferencesincommunicationstyles,attitudes,responsestocrisis,businessphilosophies,andlong-termgoalsareboundtofrustratethem.Ifthepartnershipistosurvive,they

havetostopbeingsurprisedanddisappointedaboutthosedifferences.Theymustrediscoverthevalueinthem.Abusinesspartnershiprequiresasmuchworkasanyothermarriage.

Ifyouareahumanresourcesprofessionaloranorganizationalconsultant,youmayalreadybeusingpersonalitytyping

Oppositesattractandthencan'tstandeachother.or"styles"inyourworkwithteams.Thefollowingisaneffectivewaytostimulatediscussionofanytwosuchpersonalityorcommunicationstyledimensions.Showyourgroupthetwo-axischartshowninFigure3-2.Explainthattheseareonlytwoofthemanydimensionsalongwhichpeoplediffer,buttheysometimesleadtointerestinginsightsaboutdifficultiesinunderstandingotherpeople'spointsofview.

Thetwo-dimensionalspaceplottedonthischartdisplaysonlyonepossiblepairofdimensionsyoumightuse,dependinguponthekindsofPOVdifferencesthatarerelevantinyourorganization.Ifindthesetwodimensionstobemostappropriatewithcross-functionalteams,wherecommunicationandthinkingstylesareoftendiverse.Placingseveraldifferentoccupational

Figure3-2.Communicationstylesexercise:displaychart.

"types"onthechart(withoutmakinganyscientificclaims)helpsthegroupunderstandwhatthetwodimensionsreferto.InFigure3-2,theFeeler(warm,empathic,emotional)versustheThinker(cold,rational)horizontaldimensionisimmediatelyclear.Theverticaldimensionneedsalittleexplanation.PeoplewhomwecallSensors(asopposedtoImaginers)tendtodecideandactquickly,basedonimmediatereactionstopeopleandevents.Theyarealsomoredomineeringandlessconcernedaboutothers'feelingsthantheImaginers,whoarethevisionaries,speculators,andlong-rangeplanners,moreidealisticandlessconcernedwithpracticaldetails.Youmightexplaintothegroup,"Ifyourhousewereonfire,youwouldn'tcallascientistoranartisttoputitout."Youmightalsosaythatthebestleaderscanbefoundinanyquadrant,butprobablyclosertothecenterthantoanyoftheextremetypes.(Thiswillintroducealittlebiasintotheirsubsequentjudgments,butit'snotanobjectiveassessmentanyway.)

Thenputupablankchartandaskthewholegroupinwhichquadrantstheythinkeachindividualmemberbelongs(Figure3-3).Sinceweallhavearangeofstylesunderdifferentcircumstances,someindividualsmayspanfromonesectortoanother.

Youmightaskaboutotherswhoaren'tpresent,too,suchastheCEOofaparentcompany,thevicepresidenttheyallreportto,orthecurrentboss'spredecessor.

Sinceallfourquadrantsdescribenormal,healthy,valuabletypesofpeople,Ihaven'tencounteredmuchembarrassmentaboutdoingtheexercisethisway.Infact,youwillgetfairlyquickconsensusamongallraters,withthepossibleexceptionofthepersonbeingrated.

ThegroupimmediatelyagreesthatBurtiswayoutontheFeelerend,andmoreSensorthanImaginer."No,I'mnotthatweird,"Burtprotests."I'mmoreinthemiddle."

"Noneofusisjustonetype,"theleaderreassureshim."Intruth,you

probablyhaveaThinkermodethat'sdominantatcertaintimes,butthegroupistellingyoutheyseeyourFeelermodemorethantheyseeitinothermembersofthisgroup.Thedifference

Figure3-3.Communicationstylesexercise:finishedchart.

betweenhowyouseeyourselfandhowtheyseeyouisinteresting,isn'tit?Butlet'sgoonwiththeexercise."

Youdon'twanttofocusonanyoneindividual'sstyle,becausethisexerciseisnotaboutchange.Otherchapterswilldealwithchange;thisisaboutacceptingandbenefitingfromthedifferentstylesthatexist.

Afterplacingallthenamesroughlywheretheyfitonthosetwodimensions,askthegroupwhetherthisdisplayreflectshowwellpeopleworktogether.Youwillfind,onthewhole,agreatdealofcorrespondence.IfBeckyisinthelowerleftquadrant,thereyou'llseemostoftheindividualswithwhomshehastheeasiesttimecommunicating.Intheupperrightquadrantwillbemostoftheindividualswithwhomshefeelslittleconnection.Butthereareexceptions,andyouwillgettothose

inaminute.Firstletpeoplecommentontheextenttowhichthecharthassuccessfullypinpointedthecoalitionsthatexist.

Thefinalstepistoexploretheexceptions,whichwillbeoftwokinds.Ifapairofindividualswhomyouhaveplottedasverydifferentinstylesaregoodfriendsorworkwelltogether,thenaskthequestion,"Whataretheydoingright?"Fortheyserveasanexampleofbuildingstrengthfromdiversity.Theyhavefoundawayofgivingtotheirrelationshipthebestthateachhastooffer,withoutsufferingfromtheirdifferencesinpointsofview.DiscussionwillrevealthatwhattheydoisacknowledgetheirdifferentPOVs,takedelightratherthanaggravationfromthem,anddeliberatelycapitalizeonthembylearningfromoneanother.

Theoppositekindofexceptionisthepairofindividualsinproximityonthechart,whocan'tstandeachother.Hasthatalwaysbeentrue,ordoesitdatefromsomeeventthatwaspoorlyhandledintheorganization?Aretheyrivals?(SeethesectionTrianglinglateroninthischapter.)Oraretheyverydissimilaronsomethirddimensionnotshowninthisdisplay?

Mostbusinessenterprisesrequirefundamentallydifferentkindsofpeople,notjustatthetopbutallthewaydown.Ifyouhaveengineerstodesignandmanufactureproductsaswellasnonengineerswhoaregoodatmarketingandselling,soonerorlateryouaregoingtohearthosegroupsdisparagingoneanother.Ifyouemploycreativewritersandartiststodesignadvertisingcampaigns,alongwithaccountexecutivestoworkwiththecorporateclients,soonerratherthanlateryouaregoingtohearthe"freespirits"andthe"suits"expressingfrustrationwithoneanother.Airlinepilotsversusthenonpilotsinmanagement;physiciansversushospitaladministratorsfrequentlyitisthepeoplewiththetechnicalexpertiseversusthosewhoknowhowtoorganizeabusiness,bringproductstomarket,ormaintaincashflow.

Inallsuchcases,whattheysayabouteachotheristhesamethingmenandwomensayabouttheoppositesex:"Theyjustdon'tgetit."

ThecommunicationstylesexercisemerelyservesasalaunchingpointfordiscussionofhowtomakethosePOVdifferencesateamasset.We'llcontinuethatdiscussionasweconsidersomeotherkindsofPOVdifferencesaswell.

Malevs.Female

Wherecommunicationsareconcerned,thetermpointofviewdoesn'tbegintodojusticetothedifferencesbetweenmenandwomen.InmanywaysthegenderPOVdifferencesbutacrosscultures,languages,andagegroups.Yetthemale/femalepartnershipworksintheclosestandmostsuccessfulkindofhumanorganization,thefamily;andeveninbusinessorganizations,wecanpointtomoreexamplesofsuccessfulcollaborationbetweenmenandwomenthanunsuccessful.Whatbetterproofofthepropositionthatfundamentaldifferencescanbestrengths?

Issuesofsexistbiasandofsexualharassmentbetweenmenandwomenfallundertheheadingsofinsensitivitiesandindividualissues.(Apatternofsexistbehaviorisn'ta"pointofview,"it'sasymptomofneurosisorapersonalitydisorder.)Inthissection,though,wearetalkingaboutdifferencesinhowmenandwomentendtoviewsituations.Furthermore,we'reinterestedindifferencesbothrealandimagined.Whatmenbelievetobetrueaboutwomen,andwhatwomenbelievetobetrueofmen,isjustasbigafactorinunderminingteamworkasanythingthatmightbetrueinsomemoreobjectivesense.

Individualdifferencesamongpeopleofthesamesexaregreaterthananydifferencebetweenthemasculinepersuasionandthefeminine.Furthermore,itisn'tatallclearthatthesexdifferenceswegeneralizeaboutarethemostimportantonesorthattheywon'tchangeovertimeorinanothersociety.Whatmattersforpurposesofthisbookiswhatyoudoaboutsuchdifferencesiftheyarefelttoexistinyourorganization.Forexample,ifbothwomenandmentendtobelievemenarelessunderstandingaboutrelationshipsthanwomenare,aconsequenceofthatbeliefcouldbethattheymightovervalueawoman'sassessmentofaparticularinterpersonalsituation;orifshe

disagreeswithsomeone'sproposedcourseofaction,herjudgmentmightbediscountedastoosensitive.

Thereisprobablysometruthtothatgeneralizationaboutwomen'ssensitivitytothefabricofrelationships,andaboutmen'spreferringtobelievethatconnectionsaresimplerandmoreordered.Thereistruth,also,inthepropositionthatmen

arelesswillingorabletotoleratesituationsthatleavethemexposedandvulnerabletoattack,tocriticism,tohumiliation,torejection.

Ontheotherhand,noresearchsupportsthecommongeneralizationthatmenareoutoftouchwiththeirownfeelingsandinsensitivetohowothersfeel.Althoughsignificantnumbersofmenmayfeeluncomfortablewhenvulnerabletoemotionslikehurt,fear,despair,andrage,thetruthisthatmenarejustasperceptiveabouttheunspokenfeelingsexpressedbetweenthelinesbyothermenaswomenareaboutotherwomen'sfeelings.Theproblemisthatbothsexesseemtoneedmoreexplicitstatementsofwhatisonthemindandintheheartofapersonoftheoppositesex,whereastheyarebetteratintuitingthefeelingsofamemberoftheirownsex.Thusbothsexesfindthemselvesfrequentlymystifiedandmisunderstoodbytheoppositesex.

Whenmale/femaledifferencesmanifestthemselvesinworkrelationships,whatcanyoudoaboutthem?AswithotherPOVdifferences,refertothesequestions:

[] Whatdowereallyfearlosingifwecollaborate?

[] Howcanwecollaboratewithoutlosingthosevaluabledifferences?[] Whatdowestandtogainbyworkingtogether?[] Whoisourcommoncompetitor?[] Whatdoweeachneedtodoinordertogetthebenefitsofteamwork?

Culturevs.Culture

Alargeinternationaladvertisingagencypurchasedasmallbuthighlysuccessfulandwell-reputedagencyintheNorthwest.Thelatter'seightyemployeeshadprintedslogansintheirofficeslikeALLWORKANDNO

SKIINGMAKESJACKADULLBOYandCREATIVITYIS10PERCENTINSPIRATIONAND90PERCENTPERSPIRATIONSOLET'SGOBACKPACKING.Thiswasnotthewaythechairmanin

NewYorkviewedthebusiness.Helovedtoquotethepolicythatwaswidelyattributedtoamajorcompetitor,Jay

Chiat:''Ifyouaren'tcominginonSaturday,don'tbothertoshowupforworkonSunday."Hisideaofsensitivitytoemployees'personalandfamilyneedswastopaythemhandsomelyandprovidegeneroushealthbenefits;butwoebetidethewriterorexecutivewholeftameetingatsevenintheeveningforhischild'sbasketballgame.

Notthatthechairmanwouldknowwhenthathappenedfourlevelsdownintheorganization.Thatisthegreatthingaboutorganizationalculture:Theleadersconveytheirexpectationsinavarietyofways(somelesssubtlethanothers),andmemberscreatenormsofbehaviortoconformwiththoseexpectations.

WasthisparticularcultureclashthekindofPOVdifferencethatcouldbeturnedintoastrength?Probablynot.ItsoundslikeanincompatibilitythatwillrequirePlanC.If,ontheotherhand,theacquiredagencywereSpanish-speakingandlocatedinMexicoCity,itwouldn'tbeamatterofwhichcultureshouldprevailbutofhowtosharethebenefitsofboth,foreachclientandproject.

"StrengthFromDiversity"Questions1.Whatareweindangeroflosingifwecollaborate?2.Howcanweavoidthatloss?3.Whatdowestandtogain?4.Whoisourcommoncompetitor?5.Whatpartsdoweeachneedtoplay,inordertowinasateam?

Thefive"strengthfromdiversity"questionswillhelpyoudealwithcultureclashaswithpersonalitystyles,eventhoughthedifferencesinculturehavelittleornothingtodowithpersonality.Theyhavetodowiththehistoriesofthetwoorganizations,butyouaren'tgoingtorewritehistoryandyoudon'tneedtowrestlewithitseffects.Whatyouwanttodoisputthatdiversitytowork.Whenthemergerworks,theresultingblendshouldbegreaterthanthesumoftheingredients.

That,afterall,iswhyonecompanyacquiresormergeswithanotherinthefirstplace.

2

TooOldvs.TooYoung

Inanyorganization,somemembershavedwelledonearthlongerthanothers.POVdifferencesarisewiththeneedtobalancetheprudenceandexperienceofelderswiththeenergy,iconoclasm,andquestioningofyouth.

Inaten-year-oldcompanyorayoungdepartment,the"risingstars"maybeunderage30;inabusinesswhosefounderisinhisseventies,it'sthefifty-year-oldswhoarechampingatthebit.Ineithercase,though,resolvingtheproblemisamatterofgettingthebestfrombothgenerations.Whentheyaskthemselvesthe"strengthfromdiversity"questions,theywillfindthattheirfearsarespecifictotheirstagesoflife."AmI(thoughttobe)overthehill?''theCEOaskshimself."ThenifIgivethisyoungmanmoreauthority,willhetrytoshovemeoutaltogether?Willhebankruptthecompany,wipingoutthevalueofmystock?Ihadbetterresistthat!"

Thewould-besuccessorwonders,"WillIhavetowaitdecadestoberecognizedasaleader?IfeverymoveImakeisseenasathreat,howcanIeverprovemyowncompetence?Ontheotherhand,ifhethinksI'mweak,he'llneverrespectme.Ihadbetterfightwithhim!"

ThisisaclassiccaseofwhatIcallcounter-leaning,afrequentresultofPOVdifferences.We'lldiscussitshortly.

Beaware,also,thatsomepeoplecarryfamilybaggageirrationallyintononfamilyrelations,sometimeswithsurprisinghostilityandcontempt.Rageordisappointmentwiththeirownparentsorchildrendistortstheircommunicationwithothersofthatgeneration.(SeeTheSevenDeadlyIsmsinthesectionIndividualIssues.)

Language,Race,andReligion

Between-groupdistrustorhostilityshapesbetween-person

interactionsintheworkplacemorethananywhereelseifweletit.Itisalsotruethatunhappyinteractionswithindividualpersonscanleadtonegativeattitudesaboutgroups,whichthenperpetuatethemselves.Theresultingtensiondrainsproductivity

untilpeoplehavethecouragetotranscendthosebarriers.

Wehavealreadydiscussed,underInsensitivities,examplesofhowharditistoresisttheeasyrecoursetoprejudiceintheworkplace.Butsupposeyoudon'thavethatproblem.Yourorganizationincludespeopleofdifferentbackgroundswhodo,byandlarge,respecteachother.However,thatdoesnotmeantheyunderstandeachother'spointsofvieworderiveanybenefitsfromtheirdiversity.Theymaytendtoavoidantagonismbydenyingtheirdifferences.Thisisactuallydangerous,becauseitstopsyoufromanticipatingconflictsbeforetheygetoutofhand.Andyoulosetheopportunitytocapitalizeonthedifferentpointsofvieworexperiences.Thereforeitisworthopeningupthesequestionseveniftheyaren'tonanyone'slistofinterpersonalproblemsorissues.

Inoticenoonehasputanythingonthelistthathastodowithourdifferentethnicbackgrounds.Yetit'scleartoallofusthatwe'vegotawholerainbowhere.Doweevergetintoanysituationswherewelookatproblemsdifferentlybecausewe'recomingfromdifferentbackgrounds?Isthataliabilityoranassettothegroup?

Insummary,whetherdifferencesinPOVareduetobackground,personalstyles,gender,organizationalcultures,orinternalcompetitionforresources,yourfirststepistolearnhowthingslookfromtheothergroup'sorperson'sPOV.(Ifyouareamediator,yourfirststepistofacilitatethatlearning.)Activelisteningnotonlyachievesacertainamountofunderstandingbutalsodisplayseachparty'sunderstandingtotheothers.Thenthedifferentfactionsdecidewhethertheyhavemoretogainbyteamworkthantolosebycollaboratingwith"thoseguys."

StrengthinDiversity

Nowlet'slookatthreetechniques,beyondactivelistening,forfinding

strengthindiversity.Thetwomostimportanttechniquesforturningwhatappeartobeincompatibledifferences

intopositivesarethereframe,whichIintroducedinChapter2,andwhatIcalltheun-leaningoperation.Reframinghasmanyvariations,ofwhichIshalldiscusstwo:thepositivereframeandtriangling.

PositiveReframe

Comparethesenegativeandpositivewaysofreferringtoessentiallythesamefacts:

Mistake:"GaryissouptightabouttakingrisksthatheshootsmedownbeforeI'veevenfleshedoutmyideas."

Better:"GaryhelpskeepmyfeetonthegroundwhenIgetcarriedawaywithsomeofmybigideas."

Mistake:"Sarahhasherblue-skyvisionofthewayshewantstobelievethingsare,butyoucan'trelyonhertofocusonthedetails."

Better:"Sarahistheonewerelyonforthebigpicture;Itendtogetlostsometimesinthedetails."

Mistake:"Charlieisamentalplodder.Ifhecan'tseeitonaspreadsheet,hedoesn'tgetit."

Better:"Charlieisgreatatthinkingthingsthroughanalytically."

Mistake:"Michellethinkseverything'sajoke."

Better:"We'dbelostwithoutMichelle'ssenseofhumor."

Mistake:"Bill'sgettingoninyears,andhedoesn'trealizetheworldhaschanged."

Better:"Bill'sseenalotoffadscomeandgointhisindustry,andhebringsthemorelong-termperspectivetoourmeetings."

Eachoftheseexamplesisapositivereframe.Reframingisthekindofmedicinespindoctorspracticeinpoliticalcampaigns.It'sabasic

therapeutictechnique,abasicsalestechnique,andalsoanaturalwaymostpeoplehaveoftalkingtootherswhentheywanttobenice.Youdon'thavetobeapsychologisttoseethatit'sagoodtechniquetousewhenpeoplearearguingwitheachother.You'vealreadyusedit,inactivelistening,intheAppreciatestepof"clearingtheA-I-R"(Figure

2-3).Butit'salsoindispensableforgettingpeopletoseethattheirdifferencesarepossiblestrengthsinsteadofincompatibilities.

Theeasiestplacetousereframesiswhenyou'refacilitatingdebatebetweentwoormorepeople.Youhearthembeingcritical,defensive,orpessimistic,andyou'recreativeenoughtosuggestamoreoptimisticinterpretationoftheirdifference.It'salittleharderwhenyouareatargetofsomeone'sdiatribes.Itmaybehardestofalltodevelopthehabitofreframingyourownmentalattitude,notjustthediplomaticwordsbuttheactualthoughts.Buttheskillofpositivereframingdoesbecomenaturalwithpractice.

Triangling

Adisproportionatenumberofconflictsariseinsituationswheretherearethreeprincipals.AandBagreethatCistherealsourceoftheirproblems.ThenAandCreconcile,agreeingwithoneanotherthattherealtroublemakerisB,untilBmakesherpeacewithC.ButthenAisthealien.Aseachcornerofatriangleisdirectlyoppositethesidethatjoinstheothertwocorners,eachmemberofatriangleprovidesapotentialopponenttotherelationshipbetweentheothertwo.

Siblingrivalryisanexampleofthiskindofconflict.Butjealousyandcompetitionforattention,resources,orapprovalarecertainlynotrestrictedtobrothersandsisters."Siblingrivalry"goesoninallorganizations,whenpeoplewhoaren'tactuallyrelatedtooneanothertakeontherolesofjealousorcompetitivesiblingswithintheorganizational"family."(It'sevenmoreintenseiftheyarerelated.)

Althoughgroupmembersmaketheirlivesmoredifficultwhentheytriangleeachother,achangeagentcanactuallyexploitthispowerfulhumantendencytoshiftpeoplequicklyfromopponentstoalliesbyremindingthemoftheircommonproblemswithathirdparty.

Forexample,inmediating"sibling"disputes,onecanusuallybring

thepartiestogetheralmostimmediatelybytrianglingtheparentorbossastheircommonproblem.Thathastobedonecarefully,though,tobeeffective.

InworkingwithEdandSusan,asquabblingfoundationdirectorandassociatedirector,theconsultantsuggestedthatpartoftheproblemmightbethewaytheboardanditspresidentcommunicatedwithbothofthem.Atfirst,EdandSusantookcharacteristicallyoppositepositionsonthatquestion.However,whentheconsultantaskedwhethertheboardmembershadaclearperceptionofwhichexecutivetheyshouldcallwithwhatconcerns,bothexecutivessaidnoandblamedthepresidentforthat."ClarityandspecificityarenotJoe'sstrongpoint,"Edsaid,andSusansaidthatwasanunderstatement.Thenshemadereferencetosomeeventtheybothrememberedwithlaughter,andthechangeintonewasastonishing.Hadsomeonemadeafilmclipofthenextfewminutesofthesession,noviewerwouldhaveguessedthatthesewerethesametwopeoplewhowereconvincedtheycouldneverworktogether.

Theconsultantpointedoutthatherewassomethingtheyagreedon.HowcouldtheygetJoetoclarifytheirrolestotheboard?Theybothsaidtheydidn'tthinktherewasanychanceofJoechanging."I'velearned,"theconsultantadvised,"nevertosaynoforsomeoneelse.Butifyourpredictionturnsouttobeaccurate,whatcanyoudo(insteadofcontinuingtoblameeachotherfortheproblem)tomakesureyoumaintaintheclarityandspecificityonyourend?"

Onemustadministerjusttherightdoesofthismedicine,becauseanoverdosecancauseharmfulsideeffects,possiblyfataltotheteam.Getthemonthesameside,butdon'tleavethemagreeingtohatethecommonenemy.Thatwouldonlyresultintheirslippingbacktofightwitheachotheragain,promptedbysharedfearsofwheretheirangerattheauthorityfiguremightlead(seeChapter5).Instead,oncecommongroundhasbeenestablished,movethediscussionontothequestion,"WhatdoweneedtodoinordertoimprovethingswithX[the"parent"orboss]?"Thatwillleadtolatersteps(PlansCandD),whichmightdirectlyinvolvethethirdpartyandothers.

Whetheryouareaprotagonistoramediator,thekeyistoshiftrelativelysoontowhatpeoplecandotogether,constructively,tosolve

theproblemtheybothhavewithanotherperson.Evenifthere

isnowaythatpersonisgoingtochange(forexample,sheistheirmotherandshehasbeendoingthistothemforfortyyears),thatstilldoesn'tmeantheyhavetoallowherbehaviortosplitthem.

Simplyagreeingthatthe"parent"istheproblemisn'ttellingthemanythingtheydon'tknow.Youhavetogobeyondthattotheinsightthattheirperceiveddifferencesarelargelyadefenseorawayofcopingwiththatsituationandthattheycandealwithitmoreeffectively.Youcanalsousethe"commonenemy"techniquewhenyouyourselfareoneoftheprotagonistsinadispute:

Mistake:"Whatareyougoingoffonmefor?It'sPaulawhotellsyouonethingandtellsmeanother.Yellather!"

Better:"CouldyouandIpreventthisfromhappeninginthefutureifwegiveeachotherthebenefitofthedoubtandcheckitoutwitheachothereverytimewegetsomeweirdmessagefromPaula?"

Uu-Leaning

Un-leaningismynameforanantidotetocounter-leaning,whichdoesnotmeanleaningoncounters.Counter-leaningreferstothefactthathumanbeingshaveatendencytoovercompensateforoneanotherbyleaningtoofarinoppositedirections.

Themostfamiliarexampleofthephenomenonofcounter-leaningisbetweenparents.Jackistooauthoritarianwiththechildren;Jilltriestocompensatebybeingmorelenientthanshewouldotherwisebe;Jackreactsbybeingevenmorerigidandpunitive;sheleansevenmoretowardsoftnessandinconsistency.Thechildrengonuts.Exactlythesamethingcanhappenbetweenbusinesspartners.Hankbelievestheyhavetogivetheiremployeeseverytooltheyneedtobeproductive;hispartner,Russ,believesiftheywanttobeprofitablethey'dbetternotupgradetheircomputersuntilabsolutelynecessary;

interpretsthattomeanRussisgoingtostandinthewayofeverypurchase,sohe'dbetternotconsultRuss;Russfiguresthatmeanshe'dbetterresisteverypurchaseHankwantstomake,inhopesofblockingatleast25percentofthem;soHankjacksuphisproposedoutlaysby40percent.Thewholecompanygoesnuts.

Inotherwords,validdifferencesofopinioncanamplifythemselvestoridiculousextremes.Theinitialperceptionsaren'tnecessarilydistortions,butaseachpartytriestocompensatefortheother,theyreacttoexaggeratedfearsofhowdangerouslytheothermightact.Withamazingrapidity,thosefearsbecomeself-fulfillingprophecies.Theimagethatcomestomindisofatinyboatbeingtippedonewayandtheotherbytwopeoplewhoaretryingtobalanceoneanother'soff-centerweight.Aseachperceivestheotherovercompensating,theamplitudeoftheboat'swobblingonlyincreases.Soontheyarenolongerinthesameboattheyareswimming.

Ifyouareleaningovertostarboardtobalancetheboatagainsttheotherguy'spropensitytoleantoofartoport,bothofyouareabouttogetwet.Thisphenomenon,counter-leaning,producesmisunder-standings,exaggeratesPOVdifferences,andfrequentlycreatestheappearanceofintractableindividualissues.Thecureisun-leaning.Yourjobistogetthepartiestotakethesmallriskofrefrainingfromleaningquitesofartocounterbalanceoneanother.Thisprocesshastobeconscious,watchingforoccasionswheneitherpartyanticipatestheother'sexcessiveness.Iftheyaresailingasmallboattogether,oneofthemagreestositwhereheis,leavingittotheothertobalancetheboat.

HankandRussrealizethatthey'vebeenovercompensatingfortheirworstfearsaboutoneanother'sirrationality.[Iam"Ken,"asthishappenstobeanactualmeetingwithapairofmyclients.]

Hank:Ifyoudismissmydemandsbecauseyouthinkthey'reaploy,you'll

makesomebadmistakes.Intheinterestofcurtailing

thatchainreaction,howaboutifIpledgemyselftoonlycallfornewequipmentwhenI'msincerelyconvincedit'snecessary?Youcancontinuetoquestionmeorwhomever,untilyouseethatI'mnotpaddingthelistofnecessitiesanylonger(asIadmitIdidinthepast).

Russ:Ishouldstopassumingthatanythingyoudoisaploy.Butdon'texpectmetochangeovernight,please.Ineedtogetthereslowly.SoifIcallyoubackandaskyoutowalkmethroughyourreasoning,orifIasksomequestionsoftheemployeeconcerned,youneedtogivemethebenefitofthedoubtandassumeI'mnotdoingitjusttoresistyou.

Ken:Actually,hedoesn'thavetoassumeanything.Hecanjustaskyou.

Hank:IcantellyourightnowthatifIsaywe'vegottohaveitacomputer,forexamplethatmeansI'vealreadytakenthetimetoquestiontheemployeeandmadeaveryconservativedecision.

Russ:Okay,butshouldn'tIperformmyfunctionofconservativelyquestioningallpurchases?

Hank:Justdon'tgooverboard.

Ken:YoucouldbothspelloutwhatstepsRusswilltakewhenfollowingthroughonapurchasedecisionbyHank.Andeverytimesuchanoccasionarises,youcouldspelloutpreciselybywhenRusswilleitherhavefoundamoreeconomicalwayofachievingthesamebenefitsmorecheaplyorwillhavemadethepurchase.

Russ:Actually,Idon'tthinkwewouldhaveanydisagreementsifHankwouldjustgivemethebenefitofthethinkingprocesshe'salreadygonethrough,insteadofleavingmeaone-sentencemessage.

Hank:Done.Let'sshakeonit.

WhatHankandRusshavedonehere,withslightnudgesfromtheirconsultant,istoagreenottoleanreflexivelyinoppositedirections.TakingRussoutoftheloopaltogetherwouldhavebeenaterriblesolutionbecausehis"wastenot,wantnot"philosophyisvitaltothecompany'ssurvival.Thetwomenwillcontinuetobenefitfromtheir

differentpersonalitystyleswhiletheyhavereclaimedcontrolovertheirsynergy.(Note:Allthey

haveachievedhereisanoralagreement,ofwhichtheycanremindoneanotherastheystruggletochangetheiractualbehavior.)

Again,whetheryou'reoneofthecounter-leanersorathirdpartywhoistryingtogetthemtostartun-leaning,youwillfindoccasionstomakeskilleduseofthepositivereframe.Russdidsoinhislastcomment,reframingHank'ssolodecision-makingstyleas"thebenefitofthethinkingprocesshe'salreadygonethrough."

IndividualIssues

Wenowarriveatstep5ofFigure3-1.Thelastgroupofdifferenceswecanremovefromthetablearethosethatstemfromindividuals'psychologicalstatus.Someofthosemaybementalhealthproblems,whichsometimeswarrantreferringtheindividualtoanappropriateprofessionalorseekinghelpyourself,ifyouarethatindividual.Othersarenormal,unavoidableissuesthathappentoaffectonememberoftheorganizationmorethanothers.Thegroupisn'tnecessarilythebestcontextinwhichtoaddresstheseissues;yettheyneedtobetalkedaboutatleastenoughsotheydon'tcontinuetobesourcesoffruitlessinterpersonalconflict.

TypesofIndividualIssues

Severaldistinctkindsofindividualproblemscancreateorinflameinterpersonalconflictsinorganizations.Letmedescribesomeofthemandthendiscussthedelicateartofdistinguishingindividualissuesfromthosedifferencesthatmustbeworkedonasagroup.

Certainfundamentalmentalhealthproblemsmakepeopleirritable,defensive,and/orargumentative.Someonewhoseems"difficult"mayactuallybesufferingfromamooddisorder(anxiety,depression,ormanic-depressiveillness)oranaddictivedisorder(alcoholism,drugabuse,compulsivegambling,etc.).Ifyoususpectthatanyofthose

maybeafactorinan

individual'sconflictivebehavior,getaprofessionalevaluation;teamproblemsolvingwouldprobablynotbeeffective.

Entitlementisamorelifelongindividualissuethatleadstointerpersonalconflict.Thewordmeansappearingtobelievethatonehaseitheralreadyearned,orshouldn'thavetoearn,somelimitedresourcesuchasmoney,authority,status,orlove.Paradoxically,thosewhoprotesttheloudestthattheyaren'tgettingwhattheyareentitledtoareofteninsecureaboutwhattheydeserve.

Alec,adistrictmanager,ispassedoverforpromotiontotheregionalmanager'sjob.Stung,herefusestotakethedisappointmentgracefully.Hefaxesanangrymemotohisboss'ssuperiorandspoutsconspiracytheoriestoeveryonewhowilllisten.

Zekeisinexactlythesameposition,andhealsorefusestotakethedisappointmentlyingdown,buthisresponseissimplytowriteadignifiedletterofresignation,withoutburninganybridges.

Whichmanhastheentitlementissue?Alec.Whichmanreallybelieveshedeservedthepromotion?Zeke,ofcourse.Learningthattheorganizationwon'toffertheadvancementheseeks,Zekelookselsewhere,withouttoomuchdamagetohisinnerconfidence.Alecdesperatelyneededthepromotiontocompensateforhislackinginnersenseofworthandcapability.Nowheevenmoredesperatelyneedstoasserthisentitlement.Sadtosay,thatsamefalsesenseofentitlementmayhavecosthimthepromotioninthefirstplace,asitledhimtotakehisjobforgrantedandrejectresponsibility.Beneathafalsesenseofentitlementandexcessiveconcernsaboutguardingone'sprerogativesusuallylurksagraveinsecurityaboutself-worth.

Whenonepartyinadisputeuseswordslikedeserveandfairtomakehiscasewhilenooneelseinvolvedseesanyunfairness,theremaybeanindividualissueofentitlement.Inafamilybusinesssituation,whereamemberactsasthoughtheprivilegesofownershipshould

cometohimashisbirthright,withouthavingtobeearned"thehardway,"thatentitlementproblemmostlikelyoriginatedamongtheveryfamilymembersheisinconflictwith.Theirfamilybusinessneedsfamilytherapy.Butthatisn'tAlec'ssituation.Hisentitlementissue

goesbacktohisownfamilyoforigin.Hiscurrentemployerhasneithertheresponsibilitynortheabilitytosolvethoseproblemstoday.

Paranoiaislikeatumorthattakesrootinthemindand,growing,poisonstheindividual'swholepsychology.Paranoidpersonalitydisorderisonlyoneofanumberofcharacterdisorders,butImakespecialmentionofitbecauseconflictwithothersisaninevitablebyproductand,unfortunately,aperpetuatorofparanoia.Acuteparanoidbehaviorandotherformsofpsychosiscanbetemporary(andcurable)symptomsofmanyneurophysiologicalconditions.Buttheparanoidpersonalityischronic,andthereisn't,asyet,anyreliablecure.Theproblemisthatparanoidsregardastheirworstenemiesanyonewhotellsthemthey'resufferingfromparanoiaandneedhelp.

Someday,ageniuswilldiscoveratherapythatworksonpeoplewhorefusetobelievetheyhaveanythingwrongwiththem(including,alongwiththecharacterdisorders,allthosesufferingfromdenialofalcoholismandotheraddictions).Inthemeantime,allyoucandoishelpeveryoneelseintheorganizationtostopmaintainingandexacerbatingtheproblem.Themessagetothemmustbe,''Harryisn'tgoingtochangehistune.Canyouignoreitandmakechangesyourselvessothatheisn'tabletomakelifehellforyou?Ifnot,youneedtogivehimanultimatumandyouneedtobepreparedtofollowthroughwithitandterminatehismembershipinthegroup."

Envyisalesssevereproblemthanparanoia,becausemanycasesofenvyandrivalryareveryresponsivetoinsight.Liketheothersixdeadlysinsgluttony,lust,avarice,andsoonenvyisanaturaltoxin,presentinallofus.Ifitseemstobeaparticularlybigproblemforsomeoneinthegroupyouareworkingwith,bringitupexplicitly.Atbest,doingsomayleadtoanindividual'sawarenessthatothersseehisorherenvy,promptinganinterestinpsychotherapytogetoversuchfeelings.Atworst,thediscussionwon'thurt,anditmaymovethe

issueoffyourlistofrealconflicts.

Fearofchangeisalsoaproblemweallsharetosomeextent.Everyoneadvocateschangeineveryoneelse.Someofusliketothinkofourselvesasflexiblefolkswhoaregoodatchanging,butwe'reprobablykiddingourselves.Itisvery,veryhardto

changeeventhethingswedislikeaboutourselvesandareembarrassedabout,letalonethethingsthatdon'tcauseusanydistress.Notonlyisithard,itisterrifying,becauseoneneverknowswhatthosechangesmightleaveusvulnerableto.Afterall,theverypeoplewearedefendingourselvesagainstareaskingustoputasideourdefenses.

Nonetheless,manyindividualsarecapableofacknowledgingtheirfearofchange,discussingit,andaddressingitfairlyrationally.Ifyouhavegonesofarastoidentifyfearofchangeasanissue,youmayhavejusttakenthebiggestandhardeststeptowardresolvingit.Thepersonorpersonswhoarewillingtoacknowledgetheirfearofchangehavenothingtolosebutthefearitself,andmuchtogainfromthegreatersupportofothergroupmembers.

"Thetruthis,"Bill,abusinessowner,admittedtohisdesignatedsuccessorsatastrategicplanningretreat,"IjusthatelikehelltogiveupthewayI'vebeendoingthingsalltheseyears.It'slikeasecurityblanket.Whenyoutalktomeaboutastateoftheartplantfromthegroundup,financedagainstfutureearnings,IjustseetheAwesomeUnknown."

"Well,maybethat'sagoodenoughreasonnottodoit,"oneofthenext-generationmanagerssaid."IfBillisn'tcomfortablewithit,"

"No,it'snotagoodenoughreason,"Billsaid."It'sareasonformetoraiseeveryobjectionIcanthinkof,butifyouguyshavethoughtitthroughandhaveananswertoallmyobjections,we'lldoit.Ijustwantyoutoknowitisn'tgoingtobeeasy."

TheSevenDeadlyIsms

Asetofeasilyidentifiedindividualissuesarethesevendeadlyismsthatsourrelationshipswithinorganizations.Theyaresexism,racism,ageism,chauvinism,elitism,favoritism,and(theworst,inmybook)individualism.Allmaybeshared,ofcourse,bymanymembersandareoftenpartoftheinstitutionalculture,butanyofthesedeadlyisms

canjustaseasilylurkwithinthepoisonedmindofasingleindividual.What

theyallhaveincommonisthattheyinclineustothinkofothersas"thoseguys"ratherthanallies.

I'llsingleoutfavoritismandindividualismforspecialtreatment,butlet'slookatthefirstfiveismsasagroup.Theyinvolvetheconsciousorunconsciousbeliefthatyoucanjudgeanindividual'sfitnessforperformanceonthebasisofgender,race,age,nationalorigin(chauvinism),orprivilegedbackground(elitism).(Whatfollowsappliesalsotodiscriminationagainsthomosexualsandagainstpeoplewithdisabilitiesthatareirrelevanttothejobsforwhichtheyareapplying.)

Itisimportanttodistinguishbetweenanismandameregeneralizationaboutgroupdifferences.Generalizationsthathavestatisticalvalidityarenotisms.Anismassumesthatthegeneralizationappliestoanindividual.Thatassumptionisonlysometimesillegalbutisalwaysillogical.Forexample,itistruethatmenconsistentlyscoresignificantlyhigherthanwomenontestsofspatialvisualization("Howwouldthesidesofthisboxlookiftheywereunfoldedtomakeatwo-dimensionalfigure?").Itisnotsexisttoreportthatfact,norwoulditbesexisttorequireahighscoreonsuchatestasaconditionforemploymentinaboxdesignfactory,eventhoughthetestdiscriminates.Whatissexististoskipthetestofspatialabilityanduseagendertestinstead:"Nowomenneedapply,becausewomenareinferiorinspatialabilities."Thatwouldexcludefromcandidacythemanywomenwhoseskillssurpasstheaverageman,notwithstandingthechromosomaltrend.

Ismsaffectpersonalconflictwithinorganizationsinmorecomplexwaysthanjustdiscriminationinhiring.Themanifestationsmaytaketheformofdoubtsaboutpeople'sloyaltyorcredibility;verysubtlestereotyping;oractsofomission,suchasnotbotheringtoincludesomeoneinabrainstormingsession.Ifsuchbiasrecursafterrepeated

discussion,someonewiththeauthoritytodosomayhavetoraisethequestionofwhethertheprejudicedindividualshouldcontinueasamemberoftheteam.

Favoritismisprobablyinevitableinanyorganization.Itisn'taproblemunlessitreachessuchadegreethatpeopleconsistentlycomplainaboutit.Ifonlyonepersonchargestheorganization

withfavoritism,itmayactuallybeanentitlementprobleminthecomplainer.

Ifyouaretheonewhoisregardedasplayingfavorites,considerthelikelihoodthatitmaybetrueandunproductiveforyourorganization.Doyouhaveperformancereasonsforgivingcertainindividualstheplumassignments?Ifso,letothersknowyourbasisforthosedecisions,soastomotivatethemtocompetefortheopportunities.Ontheotherhand,ifyouhavebeenplayingfavoritesforanyotherreason,thenyouhaven'tbeendoingagoodjobofdevelopingyourwholeteam.Youshouldbegratefulforthatfeedback.

IndividualismisoneofthemixedblessingsofAmericansociety.Ilistindividualismamongthesevendeadlyismsbecausethephilosophyof"takingcareofnumberone"or"meetingmyneeds"orjustplainselfishnessissimplytheoppositeofteamwork.Don'tfallintothetrapofbelievingthatenlightenedself-interestisthekeytocapitalistsuccess.Trulyenlightenedself-interestseesthat"IneedtodowhateverIcantohelpmyteammatesdotheirjobsbetter."(TheneedtokeepindividualisminbalanceisdiscussedindepthinChapter7.)Anindividualwhoarguesotherwiseisdefendingagainstintrapsychicissuesthatarenotofthegroup'smakingandnotforthegroup'sresolving.

Whenthestoryofourageiswritten,willitbecalledTheTriumphofTeamworkOverIndividualism?OrTheFailureofTeamworkinaCultureofNarcissism?HandlingIndividualIssues

Inthissection,I'llassumethatyouareeitheranoutsidefacilitatororanauthorityfigure(notapeer),havingdiagnosedanindividualissueinamemberoftheorganization.Ifyouignorethatissue,you'llatbestfailtodoyourjob.Buttheriskmaybemuchgreaterthanthat,especiallyifthebehavioryouseeisreallyasymptomof

psychopathology(adisorderedmindoraveryfragileego).

Thisdoesnotmeanthatyouhavetobeaclinicalpsychologist

orapsychiatristtotreadintheareaofindividualissues.PlanBcreatesaframeworkfordelicacyindealingwiththem.Youwon'tstirupmorethanisappropriatetodealwithintheorganization.However,youmustbepreparedtomovepeopleoutoftheorganizationratherthantiptoearoundtheirpsychopathologies.

Thefirststepindoingthatistotryinsightsalongthelinesoftheforegoingpages.Thebettertheparties'mentalhealth,thebetterthechancethattheywillmakeconstructiveuseofsomeinsightaboutthewaystheirownagendashavebeenmakingthingsdifficultforothers.Ifthatdoesn'thappen,though,youhavetomakesomechoices,actinggentlybutfirmly:

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Formentalhealthissues,anappropriatepersoncanmakeaprofessionalreferral.Themosteffectivewayistorequireprofessionalhelpasaconditionoffurtheremployment.Thatmaybeeffectiveasanimpliedthreat,statingyourrecommendationpositivelyratherthanexplicitly.(Offerhope:"Otherswiththesameproblemhavebeenhelped.")Ifyourtactmeetswithevasion,thenbemoreexplicit.Setatimelimitforboththeonsetoftreatmentandtheevaluationofitseffects.[]Ofcourse,itonlymakessensetorecommendtherapyiftheindividual'svaluetotheorganizationoutweighsthecostofwaitingandtheuncertaintyofseeingpositivechanges.Ifnot,andifyouareinapositionofauthorityandhavealreadygivenfairwarning,obviouslyyoucansimplyweedtheindividualoutofyourorganizationortransplanthimtoanothergroup,asyouwouldarosebushthatdoesn'taddbeautytoitssetting.[]Shortofthat,ifyou'resurethatthechancesofgettingtheindividualtochangearenilbutthatitwon'tbepossibletoterminatehisorheremploymentinthenearfuture,youmightskiptoChapter6(PlanE)andseewhatyoucandounilaterallytoalleviateproblems.[]Ontheotherhand,ifyouaren'treadytogiveup,trytheexercisesinChapter4asatestoftheindividual'scapacitytochange(PlanC).Thatstillleavesopenthethreeoptions(mentalhealthreferral,termination,

stillleavesopenthethreeoptions(mentalhealthreferral,termination,oryourowndeparture)pendingtheresultsofthetest.

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Finally,anothercaseforPlanCisoneinwhichyoufeelcertaintheindividualwon'tchange,butitisimportanttoletothergroupmembersseethereisnohope.Theywilltheneitherconclude,asagroup,toterminatetheindividualortogoaheadtoPlanEandtrychangingunilaterally.

Ifallthatsoundscoldlysystematic,itis.Nowhereisitmoreimportanttobethoughtful,cautious,anddeliberatethaninisolatinganindividualrottenapplefromthebarrel.Theconsequencesofamistakeeitherwayaresevere.Falselytoidentifyanindividualasthecauseofproblemsthatarereallyorganizationalisnotonlyunjust,itissuretobedestructive,asyoulosehisorherpositivecontributionsandstrengthenthegroup'stendencytoscapegoatitsnextidentifiedvillain.Ontheotherhand,youmustnotfailtodealwithanyindividualwhosemisdirectedpersonalissuesaretrulydestructivetotheorganization.Hencetheneedforaflowchartapproach(Figure31),ortheabovechecklist,andcarefulconsultationwithappropriateprofessionaladvisorsincludingapsychologistorpsychiatrist,youremployeeassistanceorpersonneldirector,andnotinfrequentlythecompany'sattorney.

RemainingConflicts

Chancesare,afterscreeningoutalltheforegoingkindsofdifferencesforspecialtreatment,oneormoreseriousissuesstillremainonthelistyourorganizationmembersmadeatthebeginningofthischapter.Anexamplewouldbea"siblingrivalry"problem,suchasthepowerstrugglebetweenDougandAnne(Figure31).Thisisnotamatterofmisunderstandingorinsensitivityorpointofview.Letusassumethatthetrianglingtechniquehelpedclarifyhowcentraltheirbossistoanysolution,butitdidn'tsolvetheproblem.Therivalrycouldhaveanyofanumberofunderlyingcauses,whichwemayneedtoexplore(PlanD).Butfirstwe'llgotoPlanCandseeifeitheroftherivalsisinterestedinchanging.

changing.

Notes

1.R.RooseveltThomas,Jr.,BeyondRaceandGender:UnleashingthePowerofYourTotalWorkforcebyManagingDiversity(NewYork:AMACOM,1991);LeeGardenswartzandAnitaRowe,ManagingDiversity.(Homewood,Ill.:BusinessOneIrwin,1992).

2.AbookthatdoesjusticetothemanyhumanresourcescomplicationsofmergersandacquisitionsisAnthonyBuonoandJamesBowditch,TheHumanSideofMergersandAcquisitions(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,1989).

4PlanC:GainCommitmenttoChangePlanBenabledyoutoeliminateanumberofextraneousmisunderstandingsandreframesomedifferencesasstrengths.However,itislikelythatanumberofthoseissuesyouclarifiedandsortedwillrequirechangesthatdon'tcomeeasily.Merelyidentifyingamatterofinsensitivitydoesn'tnecessarilythrowa"sensitive"switchinsidetheoffender.Pointofviewdifferencescan'talwaysbereframedasstrengthswithoutindividualschangingtheirattitudesandmodesofcommunication.

Oneteammemberisobsessiveaboutdetectingandcorrectingflawswhilehisequallyintensecolleague,impatienttogetproductoutthedoor,insists,"Nothingisperfect."Reframingtheircomplementarypersonalitystylesasastrengthoftheteamiswellandgood;butoneofthem(ifnotboth)stillhastobewillingtochange.

AnotherwayPlanBmayleaddirectlytoPlanCisthatthebossmayhavetargetedanindividualbehaviororpersonalityproblemasamatterof"fixorfire."Chapter3clarifiedit;nowwehavetochangeit.

Finally,fundamentalconflictsofinterestmaystillremain("Meetingmygoalsisincompatiblewithmeetingyourgoals")afterallissaidanddoneinPlanB.

Chancesare,themembersofyourgrouparestillblamingothersanddemandingchangesintheothers'behavior.Thesmoothermembersacknowledgethattheythemselvesaren't

perfectand,yes,they'llconsiderdoingwhattheycantoresolvetheproblem,butonlyafterso-and-sochangesfirst.

PlanCisdesignedtoestablish,pragmatically,whetherpartiestoaconflicthaveanychanceofbreakingawayfrommutualantagonismandfingerpointingtoapproachtheirproblemsasateam.Theprincipleisbothsimpleandprofound:Peoplewhocan'tadmittheyarepartoftheproblemwillneverbepartofitssolution.It'shardenoughtochangeourownbehavioralittle,evenwhenweacknowledgeourcontributiontotheproblemandwe'rereallycommittedtochange.Withoutthatcommitment,forgetit.

IndividualChangeandOrganizationalChange

Arewetalkingaboutchangeinindividualpersonsorinthatamorphoussystemofoverlappingrelationshipswecallthe"organization"?Whatisorganizationalchange,anyway?Isitevenmeaningfultotalkaboutthebehaviorofanorganization?Thetruthis,theentitiesthatdothebehaving,andthereforetheonlyrealobjectsthatcanchange,aretheindividualmembersoftheorganization.Ifwewantthe"organization"tostartfunctioningasateam,thatmeanswewantindividualpeopletostopfightingwitheachotherandtobehavemorecooperatively.

Ontheotherhand,groupsexertrapidandpowerfuleffectsonhowindividualsbehave.Anyoneindividualhasonlyamodest,slowimpactinleadingthegroupasawholetochange.

Thebeststrategy,therefore,istosettleforsmallstepsinwhateverappearstobeaconstructivedirection,bywhoeverappearswillingtotrythosesmallsteps.Thegroupisn'tgoingtochangeenmasse.Waitingforanyoneelse,muchlesswaitingforeveryoneelsetochange,isneveragoodidea.Thereisnoalternativebuttotakethosesmallsteps.

Thinkofasportsteam.Supposeyoucomeinasthenewcoach.Youfindthattheteamhasn'tbeenperformingaswellasitcouldbecausethecompetitivespiritbetweenandamongteammembersisexcessive.Allathletesarecompetitivebynature,ofcourse,butthenormsonthisteamincludeputting

eachotherdown,refrainingfromcomplimentingeachotherpubliclyorprivately,andgoingforindividualrecordsattheexpenseofwinningstrategies(shootinginsteadofpassing,forexample,ifit'sbasketball).Soyoutelltheteamtochange,andtheteamchanges,right?

Wrong.Youcantellthewholeteamtochange,andeverymembermightagreewithyou,butallthosehabitsofinteractionandalltheirmutualexpectationsaretoopowerful.Mostoftheindividuals,mostofthetime,continuetobehavewithoneanotherastheyareusedtodoing.Soyoucalltheirattentiontothatindividualbehavioreachtimeyouseeit.Youusewhateversanctionsyouhaveatyourcommand,andyouuseallyourpowersofpersuasionuntilgraduallyoneortwoofthemembersbehavedifferentlyonceortwice.Someoftheothersseethat,andtheymovealittleinthedirectionofmoreteamwork,whichencouragestheirteammates.Eventuallytheprocessaccelerates,newnormsdogetestablished,andtheteam,asateam,haschanged.Butithappenedinindividualplayersandnotallatonce.

Individualchangeagainstthenormsofagroupisveryhardtoproduce,especiallyifthesocialcontextisthesame.(IntheexampleIjustgave,theplayerswouldbeevenmoreresistantifitweren'tanewcoachleadingthem.)However,oncetheballisrollingandtheorganizationalnormsaremovinginanewdirection,thenallthepressureisontheindividualstoconformwiththosechanges.Wesaythey're"climbingonthebandwagon,""gettingwiththeprogram,""gettingreligion,""notrockingtheboat,''andsoforth.

Inotherwords,organizationaldynamicsareresistanttochangeearlyintheprocessofconflictresolutionbuteventuallybecomeitsmovingforces.

Agentsforchangecanandmustusethosefactsabouthumannature.Initially,toovercomethesystem'spowerfulinertia,don'tfightthe

mostresistantmembers.Joinwiththosewhoareinterestedinchangebutwhohaven'tfeltitwaspossible.Reframetheirproblem,sellthemadaptivesolutionsbywhateverargumentyoucanemploy,andsupporttheirsmallstepsintherightdirection.Buildonthosestepsuntilthereisenoughsupportfortheminthegroupitselfsothatpeerpressure

mountsinfavorofchangeandthemorerecalcitrantmemberscomealong.

Atyourfirstopportunity,renttheclassicfilmTwelveAngryMenandviewitinconnectionwiththisbook.HenryFondaplaysajurorwhoisalittlelesssusceptibletopeerpressurethantheotherelevenandwhohappenstohavebeenunconvincedbytheprosecution'sargumentstoconvictayoungmanofmurder.AtfirstFondaistheoutlyer,subjecttoscorn,butasonejurorafteranotherswitcheshisvote,thegrouppressureshiftsoverwhelminglyagainstthelastmanleftholdingwhathadoriginallybeenanearlyunanimousopinion.Boththescriptandthetwelveactors'performancescapturemanyfundamentalprocessesofhumaninteraction.

Ifyoutookacollegepsychologycourse,youprobablyreadabouttheexperimentsbyAschandothers,inwhichsubjectshadtoanswerobjectiveperceptualquestionssuchaswhichlineinasetofthreewasthesamelengthasatargetlineorwhichoftwoshapeshadthelargerarea.Unknowntothesubjects,alltheotherswhoansweredbeforethemwereconfederatesoftheexperimenter,instructedtomakeunanimouschoicesthatwerepatentlywrong.Typically,insuchstudies,thehaplessvictimofgrouppressuregoesalongwiththewronganswerasmuchasathirdofthetime,withoutprotestingovertly(butwithmuchinternaldistress).Furthermore,insomestudiesresearcherswereevenabletomanipulatesubjectsintodenyingtheyhadalteredtheirjudgments;theybelievedtheanswerstheyhadgivenundersocialpressure.Theconformitywasmuchhigherwhenthequestionswereaboutmattersofopinionratherthanmeasurablefact,butAsch'sworkshowedhowthepressureto"goalong"canoftenoutweigheventheevidenceofoursenses.

Inreallife,inthegroupwhoseconflictsyouneedtoresolve,thefirstpersontochangehisorherpositionwillbeliketheunfortunate

subjectinoneofthoseexperiments.Thesecondperson,though,isinnowherenearsoprecariousaposition.Itismuch,mucheasiertoresistthemajoritywhenyouarenottheonlyonedoingso.Asthatslightlyuncomfortableminorityswellsandbecomesthemajority,changebecomes

easierfortheindividualswhoresisteditatfirst.PlanCisbasedonthatinsightabouthumanbehavioringroups.

Allofusaremorecomfortablebehavingaswehavebehavedinthepastandinconformitywithourgroup'snorms.Thehardestindividualchangesaretheunilateralonestheonesmadebyleaders.Theleadersmustovercomeboththeirownresistancetochangeandtheirconvictionthatthegroupneedsthemtoconformwithitsexpectations.Sothosesmallstepsaren'teasy.(We'lldiscussunilateralchangeinChapter6.)

Forthatreason,intentionstochangeneedtobestatedpublicly,inthepresenceoftheotherpartieswhowillbeaffectedandwhosereactionsaregoingtoaffectthechangingindividual.IfTom,Dick,andHarryconstitutethegroup,itisapositivestepforwardjusttogetTomcommittedtomakeasmallchange.EvenifDickandHarrystillmaintainthattheyshouldn'thavetochange,theirtacitacceptanceofTom'scommitmentwillatleastreducetheobstaclestoTom'schanginghisownbehavior.

Changesthatareconsciously,explicitlyacknowledgedareeasiertomake,easiertocopewith,andeasiertoretain.Thereisnosubstituteforopenlydiscussinghowharditfeelstochange:beforeanyonehasexpressedawillingnesstotry,thenagainatthetimesomeindividualsbegintotalkaboutdoingso,thenasawayofcementingtheirintentionandcommitmenttobehavemoreconstructively,andfinally,asfollow-upevaluationandreinforcementforwhateverchangedoesoccur.

SpringingtheFingerTrap

Thehumantendencytopointthefingerofblameatothersisatrap.Liketheopposingdigitscaughtinthechild'snoveltyknownastheChinesefingertrap,mutualblamersstruggle

hopelesslytoescape.ThetechniqueIcall"springingthefingertrap"makesitcrystalclearwhoisandwhoisn'tpreparedtoshouldersomeresponsibilityforchangingtheirownbehavior.Whatwilltheydodifferently,henceforth,inresponsetothestressesandfearsthathavetriggeredunproductiveconflictinthepast?

Usethistechniqueinameetingofallthepeoplewhoareblamingeachother.Iftherearenpeopleinvolved,drawalargen×nchartwiththeirnamesacrossthetopand,inthesameorder,downtheleftside(Figure4-1).Makeitclearthateachcolumnrepresentsoneperson'sopinionsandthateachrowrepresentschangesthegroupwouldliketoseeinoneperson'sbehavior.Inthisexample,supposeAnne,Bob,Carl,andDougrepresenttheprincipalantagonistsinthecontentiousorganizationwevisitedinChapters2and3.Thewholecompanyhas

Figure4-1.Springingthefingertrap.

heardtoomanycomplaintsbyandaboutthemembersofthissupposedteam,includingvariousultimatums."EithershegoesorIgo,"BobhassaidaboutAnne."Ican'tworkwithher."

Thecompanyhassentyoutohelptheantagonistsgetoutofthatrut.Inoneofyourfirstmeetings,youannouncethattheyneedtofillinthischart.Anne'scolumn("Annesays")representsAnne'sopinions.Bobdoesn'tagreewithheropinionthattheproblemwouldbesolvedifhemovedtoanotherfloororbuilding.ButBobandAnnedon'tneedtoargueaboutthat.Ifhedoesn'tacceptheranalysisoftheproblem,hesimplyrefusestocopythatsentenceintohis"BobsaysBobshouldchange"cellonthediagonal.

Don'ttellthegroup,atthestart,thatthediagonalcellsareespeciallyimportant.You'llbeabletomakethatpointmoredramaticallyafterfillinginthewholechart.Takeyourtime,first,andbesureyouhaveaskedabouteverycell.Don'tbesurprisedifoneormorecellsonthemaindiagonalareleftempty.Bobcan'tthinkofanythingheneedstochangeabouthisownbehavior."I'mperfect,"hejokesandhedoesn'tmeanexactlythat,buthewouldliketobelievethathe'snotatfault.Iftheotherswouldjustmeasureup,theproblemwouldbesolved.

Whenallaresatisfiedwiththeircontributionsandhavehadampleopportunitytocommentonthewholechart,takeadifferent-coloredmarkerandoutlinethediagonalcells."I'msorrytotellyou,folks,thatthesearetheonlycellswhereanythingisgoingtohappen."WhenIdothis(IusesuchachartsoonerorlaterwithjustabouteverygroupIworkwith),IusuallyXouttheothercells,saying,"Forgetit!"and"Thisisbaloney!Thereisonlyonepersonintheworldyoucanchange,andit'shardenoughtomakeevenalittlechangeinthatstubbornso-and-so.IfAnnedoesn'tchangeAnne,nooneelsecan.IfBobisn'tgoingtochangeBob.''Atbest,whatyouhavewritteninacelllike"BobsaysAnneshouldchange"mightbetakenas

suggestionsforAnnetoconsiderputtingintoherowncellonthediagonal.(Figure4-2showshowthistechniquefitsintoPlanCandyourlargergameplan.)

Onemightthinkanyonewouldnowbeembarrassedto

Figure4-2.PlanC:Gaincommitmenttochange.

haveblankcellsonthediagonal(likeAnne,Bob,andCarlinFigure4-1).Underpeerpressure,theycouldhardlyrefusetotakeatleastoneofthegroup'ssuggestionsandpledgethemselvestomakethatchange,oratleasttothinkaboutworkingonit.Somewilldoso,perhapsmodifyingandreframingthesuggestions,andthosepledgesshouldbetakenascommitments,whichwewilldiscussinamoment.However,somepeoplewillstillrefuseperhapsdefiantlytoacknowledge

theirownresponsibilityforeithertheproblemoritssolution.Theymaysay,"I'mnotgoingtodothatuntilyoushowmeyou'vestopped."Or,"Youwon'thavetoworryaboutthatifyoustayoutofmy."

Ifyoucan'tsellcertainindividualsoncommittingthemselvestochange,don'tpressthemanyfurther.Rather,congratulatethemfortheirhonesty.Theydon'tintendtochange,andtheydon'twanttocreateanyfalseexpectations.Thetruthisthattheymaychangetheirmindatalaterstage;butfornow,itisbettertoleavethemhangingthere.Theyhaveisolatedthemselves.

Whatiftheentirediagonalisblank?Thishappensfrequently,especiallyina2×2chart(twodisputants).Afterall,ifthesefolkswerereasonableandsensible,theywouldn'tbestuckinthatquarrelinthefirstplace,wouldthey?Ihavehadaslargeagroupasfather,son-in-law,andfoursonsleaveallsixcellsonthemaindiagonalblankwhilefillingineveryoneoftheotherthirtycellswithmutualcritiquesanddemandsforchange.(Trythisathome,ifyouhavebickeringchildren.)Inacaselikethat,don'tbereluctanttosay,"I'msorry.Ican'thelpyou."Andjustwait.

JoiningtheResistance

IfIQtestsmeasuredtheabilitytothinkofexcuses,mostofuswouldscoreinthegeniuscategory.Asachangeagent,youprobablyrecognizemanyexcusesasflimsy,fallacious,illogical,ordishonest.Howfarpeopleletyouchallengetheirbogusexcusesisameasureofthestrengthofyourrelationshipwiththemandofhowwellyoubalancedyourjoiningwithallfactionsoftheconflict.Nomatterhowsuccessfulyouareatdismissingthoseexcuses,though,youhaven'tremovedtheirreasonsforresistance:notalwaysrational,butnonethelessrealandcompellingreasons.Soonerorlater,theresistantindividualorentiregroupexpressesacandidfearorworryaboutwhat

mighthappeniftheyweretoacceptthesuggestiontochange.(SeeChapter5foradiscussionofhowyoudiscoverthesecretbasisoftheirresistance.)

Weshalluseawell-knownsalestechniquecalledjoiningtheresistance,whichhasmanyapplicationsbeyondthefieldofconflictresolution.Theprinciplebehinditisthatpeopledon'trespondwelltosuggestionsthatdismisstheimportanceofwhateverfearsunderlietheirresistance.Theyrespondverywelltosomeonewhosharesoracceptsthevalidityoftheirfearsandofferstohelpaddresstheirconcern.

Let'ssaysomeonehasjustmadeanadaptivesuggestionandsomeoneelsehasofferedresistancebasedonpoorreasoning(inyourjudgment).Itdoesn'tmatterwhetheryouaretheonewhomadethesuggestionorjustthefacilitatorofadiscussion;thistechniqueworksthesameeitherway.

Yourfirststepistoclearlyidentifyboththesuggestionandthecounterargument,usingactivelisteningtobesureyouunderstand.Donotdismissthecounterargumentasfallaciousorinsignificant.

Ellen'sandGeorge'sdifferentopinionsaboutorganizationalprioritiesaresincere,buttheyarealsoaspectsofaknee-jerkmutualopposition.OnthisoccasionEllenmakesagoodsuggestion,butGeorgearguesagainstit.Youdon'tsaythatyoususpecthewouldhavedisagreedwithhersuggestionnomatterwhatitwas.Instead,yousay,"SoweunderstandthatEllenisarguinginfavorofdownsizingthedepartmentforreasonsofcostcontrol,butGeorgeisconcernedaboutpreservingourreputationforcustomerservice."

Clarifythereasonforthecounterarguments.Whatistheresistantpartytryingtoachieve,preserve,oravoid?Reframethatunderlyingmotiveasbeingessentiallypositive.Itisnotresistance.Itisprudence,desireforgrowth,loyalty,passionforexcellence,concernforpeople,oranotherworthwhileconcern.

Makeanextrajoininggesture,ifnecessary,toputyourselfonthesideoftheresistantparty:

"I'mgonnamovemychairoverhereandsitinGeorge'scorner."Or(dependingonthesituation):"Iappreciateyourcandor."Or:"Thankyouforraisingthatconcern."

Nowagreewiththepositivemotiveasyou'vereframedit,andjustifytheproposedconstructiveactionasbeinginlinewiththatmotive:

ItseemstomeEllen'sorganizationalschemewillreallyaccomplishbothgoals,downsizingaswellaspersonalizingourrelationswithcustomers,asGeorgesuggests.

Asalesperson:"Infact,that'sexactlywhatthisproductwilldoforyou:saveyoumoney."

NoticehowthistechniquemovesthediscussionbacktothelevelofPlanA,withbothpartieslookingforsharedgoals.Youarestilltryingtogetpeopletochangetheirpositionsbutonawin/winbasis.Itisn'tamatterofhelpingEllenconvinceGeorgethathehasbeenwrong.Itisamatterofreframingthewholediscussionsothatbothofthemareright.Modifytheoriginalsuggestionifnecessary,andreframeitastheproductoftheresistantparty'sclarificationofconcerns.

Thisiswhyit'ssoproductivetobrainstormtogether,becausewhatyou'vecomeupwithisabetterplan.

Finally,consolidatethestepyouhavejusttakentowardconsensus.Formalizeamessageordecisionintheformofacontract,awrittenpolicystatement,oradatedmemorandum.Salespeoplecallthistheclosing.Youmightcallitmanipulative.Icallitgainingcommitmenttochange.

HarnessingtheCommitment:AccentuatethePositive

Ischangegoodorbad?Weallsaythatit'sinevitableanddesirable;yetwenaturallyresistchangeinourselvesandmoreoftenresentthanapplauditinothers.Realizingthat,manyleaderstrytosneakchangesinthedoorbymakingthemassubtleandimperceptibleaspossible.Infact,however,changesinpeople'srelationships,trust,andrespectforoneanotherareunlikelytosucceedunlessthosepeopledramaticallydeclareandopenlydiscusstheircommitmenttothosechanges.

Thereforeyouhaveeverythingtogainbypositivelylabelingtheconflictandcongratulatingtheorganizationonitscapacitytoresolveit.HencethenameConflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS).Callitanythingyouwant,solongasyoumakeabigdealoutofit.We'llreturntothatpointinChapter7,buthereweneedtocontrastnegativeversuspositivewaysofframingthesameeventsandthesameorganizationalcharacteristics.Figure4-3presentsalternativewaysofmakingthesamepoint,througheverystageofconflictresolution:identifyingandlabelingtheproblem,tracingthehabitualcycle,expressinganysharedfearsthatthegrouphasavoidedfacing,describingoldandnewbehavior,andspecifyingwhateachindividualwillbewillingandabletochange.

Theseexamplesarefurtherapplicationsoftheprincipleofreframing(Chapters2and3).Someofthemmayappearminor,simplyachoiceofrhetoricalstyle.Butasyoupractice,youwillfindthatpositivewaysofmakingyourpointsinconflictivesituationsgoalongway.Themoretenseandirritatedpeopleare,andthemoretheyalignthemselveswithdifferentpositions,themoreyouriskantagonizingthembyphrasingyourselfasintheleft-handcolumnofFigure4-3andthemoreeffectiveyoucanbebyshowingrespectasintheright-handcolumn.

Follow-Up

Aswithsomuchinlife,follow-upisessential:comingtogetherformallyafteranappropriatetimehaspassedtoevaluatethechangesanddecidewhethertheprogresshasbeensufficient.Theresultsofthatassessmentwilldetermineyourcourseofaction,assuggestedinFigure4-2.

Iftheprogresshasbeengreat,makeabigdealoutofit.Celebrateandgivelavishpraisewheredue.Yourorganizationismovinginthe

directionofmakingtheCRSflowchart(Figure1-1)yournorm.We'lllookatwaysofinstitutionalizingCRSandcapitalizinguponitinChapter7.

Ontheotherhand,iftherehasbeenbutlittleprogress,repeattheprocessesofgoalsetting(PlanA),valuingdifferences(PlanB),andspecifyingindividualcommitments(this

Figure4-3.Negativevs.positiveframing.

InsteadofframingeventsNEGATIVELY

YoucanframethesameeventsPOSITIVELY

Identifyingandlabelingtheproblem:

Wehavesomeidiotsinthisoutfitwhoonlythinkofthemselves.

We'reworkingongreatersensitivitytooneanother'sneeds.

Tracingthehabitualcycle:

EverytimeItakesomeinitiative,youactlikeI'minvadingyourturfandyougooutofyourwaytonitpick

Whenmyattemptsatinitiativeseemtorubyouthewrongway,andyouthencritiquewhatI'vedone,myreactionis

Expressingthesharedfears:We'rescaredlittlebabies,really, Weallshareaconcernaboutwhatmighthappenif

You'reallwalkingaroundafraidtobreathelestyougiveFredaheartattack.

BecauseyoucareaboutFred'shealth,

Describingoldandnewbehavior:

Theslightestimplicationthatanyonemightbedissatisfieddrivesher

Theinabilitytomakeeveryonehappydroveher(usethepasttenseratherthanthepresenttensetodescribewhatyouhopewillnowchange)

SoI'msupposedto SowhatInowdoisSpecifyingwhateachindividualwillchange:

Fine,I'llletthemcontinueasalways,sincethere'snothingIcandoaboutit.

ThepartofitIcancontrolismyownreactionifandwhenthatcontinuestohappen.I'llworkon.

Don'tblameme,then,thenexttimethey PleaseletmeknowthenexttimeIcomeacrossto

youasarrogantordisrespectful,becauseI'msureit'sgoingtotakemeawhiletochangeandI'llneedyourhelp.

chapter).Theonlyconstraintsonthenumberoftripsyoumaymake

aroundthelooparepeople'spatienceandalliancewithyou.

Whatifyouhaven'tmadeanyprogressatall?Itmaybethatparticipantsgavenomorethanlipservicetotheircommitmentstochange.Theiractionscontinuetobelietheirwords.Good;nowyouhaveconfirmedthat.IfyouwereusingPlanCtotestwhatIcalled"individualissues"inChapter3,thenyou

cannowchoosefromamongthethree"giveup"options:presentinganultimatum,removingtheoffender,orremovingyourself.

Thefinalpossibility,whichisdifficulttoadmitbutperhapsthemostlikelyexplanation,isthatyouhaven'tunderstoodtheprobleminthefirstplace.Itmayevenappeartohavebeensolvedforawhile,butthenitcomesbackinanotherversion."Theretheygoagain,"groupmembersoroutsiderssayoftheprincipals,"anotherroundofthetitlebout."

Thosecasesrequireustogoalittledeeperintothedynamicsofconflictswithingroups.Chapter5introducestheconceptofthesustainedconflictcycle.

5PlanD:AnalyzetheRecurringCyclePlanDaddressesthemostdistinctivefeatureofwithin-groupconflictsascomparedtothosebetweenpeoplewhoneitherworknorlivetogether.Theserious,chronicconflictswithingroupsfollowacyclicpattern.Theparticularbattleofthedayisonlyasymptomofunderlyingtensions,whichflareup,subsideforawhile,blowupagain.Peaceisrestored,thenlostinyetanotherskirmish.Wemustunderstandandaddressthedynamictensionsthatdrivethatrecurringcycleifwehopetoimprovetheparties'workingrelationshipsinanylastingway.

WhyCommunicationIsNotEnough

YouarriveatthissectionoftheConflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS)flowchartwhenconflictkeepsrecurringdespiteyoureffortsatPlansA,B,andC.Thereforewe'llnowfocusonthatrecurringcycle(Figure5-1)andonaprofoundtruthaboutit:Thereasonitkeepscomingbackaroundagainisthatpeoplearenotreallyfightingaboutwhattheysaytheyarefightingabout.

Anytwopeoplewhocomeintocontact,evencompletestrangers,immediatelybegintoaffectoneanother.Butinagroupofindividualswhohaveaworkingrelationship(asinafamily),themutualeffectsaresopowerfulandenduringthatgroupmemberscometoshareawholesetoffears,apprehensions,anddistortions.InChapter3welookedatindividualmisapprehensionsthataredue,basically,tonotknowingotherpeoplewellenough.Nowwe'resaying,inaddition,thatwithin

Figure5-1.Thecycleofrecurringconflict.

arelationshipofanykind,members'sharedhistorygivesthemsharedapprehensionsoverandabovetheirdifferences.Inotherwords,whenthesamepatternofconflictrecursagainandagaininagroup,itisprobablyduetoknowingeachothertoowell.

Figure5-2illustratesthecycleofsustainedconflictinamarriedcouple,GeorgeandMarthainWho'sAfraidofVirginiaWoolf?EdwardAlbee'splayportraysanexcruciatingpatternofpain-to-avoid-pain,whichGeorgeandMarthahavesustainedformorethantwentyyears.Theylacerateoneanotherwithhumiliatinginsults,mercilessly,untilitseemstheycouldnotpossiblystaytogether.Thenoneofthemmakesawisecrack(atonepoint,GeorgesuddenlyaimsapistolatMartha'sheadandpullsthetrigger,onlytoreleasealittleflagthatsays"Bang!"),

Figure5-2.ThecycleofrecurringconflictinWho'sAfraidofVirginiaWoolf?byEdwardAlbee.

provokingaffectionatelaughterandatemporarycease-fire.Butthatsoonbecomesuncomfortableandintolerablebecauseoftheemptinessandunresolvedgriefintheirchildlessmarriage.Theyavoidfacingtheirgriefbystirringupthemorefamiliar,controllablepainofmutualverbalabuse,Martha'sdebauchery,andGeorge'scrueltytoherinvitedguests.

Subtlercyclesoccurinbusinessorganizations.Toseethem,youneedtoknowhowtoanalyzeaconflictintermsofthosesixphasesofthecycle.You'lldothiseverytimeyouencounterarecurringconflictthatisn'tresolvedbyclarifyingsharedgoals,searchingforwin/winsolutions,andvaluingdifferences.AsktheanalyticquestionsinFigure5-3.Youcanaskthewholegrouptohelpyoufillinthe

answerstothosequestions

Figure5-3.PlanD:Analyzetherecurringcycle.

(startwithasimilarchartwiththesixboxesblank).Oryoucanjustchartthecycleprivatelyforyourownuse.

LaterinthischapterIshowyouhowtousethisinformationasachangeagent;first,however,somepracticalsuggestionsaboutgatheringthedata.PlanDisreallyatechniqueforgettingbelowthesurfaceexplanationsofwhatpeoplesaytheyarefightingaboutandevenwhattheythinktheyarefightingabout,tosocial-dynamicreasons,whichtheyhaven'tthought

muchabout.(Likeitornot,youareabouttoentertheworldofthepsychologicaldetective.)

Tofillintheboxes,youcanstartwhereverthemostobviousdataare.Forexample,iftheclearestobservationisthataccusationsofselfishnessinvariablypushsomeone'sragebutton,youmightworkyouwaybothforwardandbackwardfromConflictIgnites.Whatusuallyprovokesthatkindofaccusationinthefirstplace?Whatkindofreactiondoesitprovoke?Counteraccusations?Howfardoestheragego?Whofanstheflames(ConflictEscalates)?Howhotdotheygetandhowlongdomemberstoleratethem(ConflictPeaks)beforehaulingoutthefirebrigade?Whatextinguishestheflames(ConflictSubsides)?

Yourtaskistofillinthewholechart.AsyoumoveclockwisearoundthecircletoPeaceBreaksOut,ifyoucan'tlearnwhythepeacechangesfromarelieftoarenewedsourceofanxiety,jumptoConflictIgnitesandworkbackwardtoSharedFears.Whatarethosefears?Yourinitialdiscussionmayyieldonlyahintorafirstapproximation.Itmaytakemorethanoneinterview;keepatit.

Thiscircularmethodbelongstotheconsultingapproachknownas''processresearch."Youarechallengingtheparticipants'resistancetochangeinordertounderstandtheirprocessandtofindouthowyoucanhelpthemimproveit.Withpractice,thetechniquewillbecomesecondnature.Let'slookatsomebusinessorganizationexamplesandtheorizealittleaboutwhythispatternissouniversal.

WhyGroups,LefttoThemselves,UsuallyMaintainConflict

Conflictiscostlyandpainful.Why,then,isitsopopularevenamongfolkswhocareaboutoneanotherandhaveeverythingtogainbyworkingtogetherinharmony?Thebestanswerpsychologistshave

beenabletodiscoveristhatmembersofagroupareworkingtogetherwhentheyengageinrepetitive,predictabledisputecycles.Theyarecollaboratingtoavoidsomethingworse.

Itwillbeclearesttobeginwithafamilybusiness,afterwhichwe'llseehowthesamecyclesofsustainedconflictariseinnonfamilyorganizations.

Mel'stwosons,ages26and29,workwithhiminaretailchainoftwelvefurniturestores.Hisyoungersonhasbeenworkinginthebusinessnearlysixyears,eversincedecidingthatcollegewasnotforhim.Melattributesmostofthecompany'sgrowth,infact,tothatson'sefforts.Hisoldersononlyjoinedthemtwoyearsago,havingworkedoninformationsystemsatWal-MartCorporationforfouryearsaftertakingadegreeincomputersciences.

Withonebrother'sknowledgeofthefurniturebusinessandtheother'ssophisticationabouttheaggressiveuseofinformationsystemsinamultilocationbusiness,itoughttobeanexcellentteam.Butguesswhat?Theyfightconstantly,usuallyoverpettymatterslikewhofailedtorecordsomething,orlostafile,orforgottogivetheotheratelephonemessage,orokayedanemployee'sleavingearly.

Melissure"thebusinessneedsbothboys'talents."Nonetheless,insteadofhelpingthemeaseuponeachother,hefindshimselfconstantlyscrappingwithwhicheveroneiscurrentlycomplainingtheloudest.Theyshout,hurlepithets,andridiculeeachothertoemployees.Ifhedoesn'thearaboutitfromanothermanager,Melwillhearsoonerorlaterfromhisyoungerson,whokeepsyellingabouthis"seniority"andclaimsnottoknowwhathisbrotherdoesallday.Dependingonthestory,Melthenyellsattheolderortheyoungersonorboth,andtheyscreamlouderathim,makingmattersworse.

Inthiscase,MelandhissonsmayspendmostoftheirtimemostdaysandmosthoursofthedaysomewherebetweenConflictIgnitesandConflictPeaks.Asunpleasantastheirfightsappeartoothers,onlyinfrequentlydoesthefightinggrowintolerabletothefightersthemselves.Whenthatdoeshappen,theyeaseoff,buttheydon'ttarrylonginatrucebeforeworkingtheirwayaroundtothenextconflagration.

Weallknowgroupsthatarejusttheopposite:soaversetoconflictthatittakesalmostnotimeforthemtogettoConflictSubsidesandthenalongtimebeforerevisitingConflictIgnites.

Infact,theymayhitwhatforthemisapeak,triggeringpacificationbehavioralmostbeforeanoutsiderisabletodiscernthattheyclashed.Thentheyremaininapparentpeaceandharmonyforweeksormonthsrecoveringfromtheshock,beforethenextconflict.

Noticethatbothextremecases,theoneseemingtofightallthetimeandtheotherbarelyseemingtofightatall,exhibitthesamecircularpattern.Thequestionthathauntsus,asreasonableobservers,iswhytheydon'tstayinPeace.Wheredothoseapprehensionscomefrom,justwhenthingsoughttobecopacetic?Andwhentheydoarise,whydotheytriggerthesameoldbattleinsteadofanice,reasonablediscussion?

Inotherwords,whydoespeaceleadtoconflict?Itisn'tthatpeoplejustlovetofight.Ithappensforeitheroftworeasons:

1.Sometimes,whatlookslikepeaceisn'treallypeace.Thetrueconflicthasn'tbeendiscussed,letalonesuccessfullyresolved,andeveryoneknowsitunconsciouslyifnotconsciously.Theycollaboratetokeepfightingabouttriviainhopesofgettingtotherealissues,butwhenitgetstoodangeroustheybackawaywithouthavingdoneso.Theensuingcease-firereducesthedangerordullstheirmemoryofhowfrighteningtheheatofbattlewas.Thentheyarewillingtotakeuptheirweaponsagain.

2.Alternatively,thepeaceitselfisdangerous.Evenifsomeearlierissuesdidgetresolved,thatveryfactraisesnewquestionsthecollaboratorssensetheyaren'treadytoface.Forexample:Ifweareworkingwelltogether,doesthatmeanoneofusiscapableofbeingtheorganization'snextpresident?Whichoneofus?Or:Ifwearefunctioningmoreproductivelyasateam,doesthatmeansomeofusaren'tneededanymore?

Ineithercase,theantagonistsarefightingasanineffectivewayofsolvingaproblem.Yourjobistoofferthemamoreeffectivewayofsolvingitoratleastempowerthemtotalkaboutitsotheycanfindthe

solvingitoratleastempowerthemtotalkaboutitsotheycanfindthesolutionthemselves.

Asyouworkonanalyzingacycleofsustainedconflict(Figure5-3),itoftenhelpstoaskthepartiesaradicalquestion:"Whatareyoufightingtogethertoavoid?"

Whatastrangesuggestion!Mel'stwosons,forexample,thinktheyarefightingagainsteachothertoachieveincompatiblegoals.Itiscounterintuitivetosuggestthattheyareactuallyworkingtogethertomaintainthefightinordertoavoidsomestateofaffairsthattheybothsensewouldbeworsethanthecostoftheirstruggle.Yetplantingthatsuggestionalmostalwaysbearsfruit.

Infact,it'sfruitlesstotrytohelpresolveaconflictwithoutaskingtheparties(and/oraskingourselves)thisquestion.Hereisanotherwaytowordit:"Whatdoyouthinkmighthappenifyoudidn'tdowhatyouusuallydointhatsituation?"Whatif,forexample,yougaveeachotherthebenefitofthedoubtandtreatedeachotherlikeclients?Thatquestionusuallybringstolighttherealforcebehindtheconflict,thecombatants'realapprehensions,whichcouldbeanythingfrom"ifIlethergetawaywiththat,she'dwalkalloverme"to''thebosswouldn'thaveanythingtobitchabout"to"wewouldn'tneedasmanyworkers"to"wewouldn'thaveanyexcusesforfailure."Anyofthosewouldbeamoreproductivewaytoframetheproblemthantheirlistofmutualgrievances,accusations,andattacks.

The"WhatMightHappenIf?"QuestionWhatdoyouthinkmighthappenifyoudidn'tdowhatyouusuallydointhatsituation?Thecombatantsinasustainedconflictcycleareawareoftheseapprehensionsbutnotawarethatthey'vebeenfightingtoprotectthewholesystemfromhavingtofaceanddealwiththem.Untilthegroupdoesfacethoseissues,anypeacewillbeillusory,onlyatemporarycease-fire.

The"Whatmighthappenif?"questionbypassestheexcusespeopleprefertousewhenjustifyingaggressiveordefensivepositions.IntheexampleofMel'sfurniturechain,whatmighthappenifthesonsweretostopattackingandunderminingeachotheroverpettymatters?

Chancesare,theymightagreeontheneedtomakechanges,whichwouldsoonprogresstoorapidlyfortheirfather'scomfort.Deepdown,theydon'tbelievehereallywantsthemtotakeover.Deepdown,

theyaren'tsuretheyarecapableofmakingthosedecisions.AndtheyarecollaboratingtomakesureDaddoesn'tleave.Theydon'tenjoysquabblingwithoneanother,butthealternativesaretoofrighteningtothinkabout.Itiseasiertopointthefingerofblameatabrotherthantodwellondoubtsaboutone'sowncompetence.

Letusnotstopwiththesons'motives.DoesMelreallywantthemtofeelcompetent?Whatwouldhappentohisownself-esteemiftheirjudgmentturnedouttobeasgoodasorbetterthanhis?Hisself-esteemdependsonpointingtotheirinadequacies.Thisisnotjustamatterofthedifficultyanyentrepreneurhaslettinggoofhis"baby,"thebusinesshehasnurturedforthirtyyears.Itisn'teasyinanycase,butthetwoyoungmenprobablywouldnotbefightingsovaliantlytoprovetheycan'tgetalongwithouthimifDadhaddoneagoodjobofbuildinguptheirself-confidencefromchildhoodon.Wegenerallyfindmutualenvyandenmityamongadultsiblingsinabusinessonlywhentheyhavesufferedfromexcessiverivalryalltheirlivesbeforetheyevercametoworkfortheirfatherfightingfortheapprovalhedidn'tknowhowtogivehischildren.

Webeganwithafamilybusinessexamplebecausecyclesofsustainedconflictaresoprevalentinfamilysystems.Infact,conflictresolutionandteambuildingwithfamilyfirmsalmostalwaysentailPlanD.However,suchproblemcyclesalsoariseineverykindoforganization.

Thefollowingtwoexamplesshowhowtheexcusespeoplegivefortheirsustainedbattlesoftenhavelittleconnectiontothesharedunconsciousmotivesthatwouldremainunspokenifnooneweretoasktheradicalquestion,"Whatwouldhappenif?"

EmpireRealtywasamedium-sizepropertymanagementfirminaregionwithanalarminglyhighofficevacancyrate.AgroupofexecutivesheadedbyRickandGinohadrecentlyacquiredthecompanyfromitsretiring

owner.Rick,withthetitleofpresident,wasinchargeofsellingEmpire'sservicestopropertyowners.Ginosupervisedtheirfiveoffices.TheirconflicthadbegunwhenRickaccusedGinoandhisgroupofhidinginformationfromhimandofcarelesslylosingtenants.

Ginohadadifferentslantontheirfailuretocommunicate."EverytimeRickblowsasale,helooksforsomeonetoblame."

"Whatwouldhappenifyoutwoweren'targuingoverwhoscrewedup?"Iasked.

Ihadtorepeatthequestionacoupleoftimes,butfinallyGinoreplied,"Theonlywaywewouldn'targueaboutthatisifwewerenot,infact,screwingup."

Whatwouldbewrongwiththat?

Theylookedpuzzled."Nothingwouldbewrongwithit,"Ginosaid."That'swhatwe'reseeking."

"No,youreallyaren't,"Ichallengedhim."You'reeachspendinghalfyourenergydemandingthattheotherguydothechangingandhalfyourenergygivinghimexcusesnotto.SoIguessonethingyou'retryingtodoiskeeponhavingthisargument."Thiselicitedasmile,indicatingthatImightbeontherighttrack.Icontinued,"Whatcanyouimagineasapossiblenegativeifthewholeproblemweretogoaway,infavorofsmooth,productivecommunication?"

"Icantellyouonething,"Rickvolunteered."We'dprobablystartaskingourselvesifwe'reinthewrongbusiness."Hesaidthisasifhewerejoking,butitturnedoutthathewasnot.Ilearnedthatbothmenwereterrifiedaboutthedebttheyhadincurredtoacquirewhatmightpossiblybeadyingbusiness.Theyweresofarfromhavinganyideasaboutredirectingthebusinessthattheyhadavoidedvoicingtheirfearstoanyone,eventheirwives.Andtheprincipalwaytheyhadavoideddoingthatwastofussandfumeaboutoneanother'sincompetenceandpossibledishonesty.

MyonlycontributionbasedonthatdiscoverywastohelpRickandGinostarttalking,alongwiththeirpartnersandindustryadvisors,abouttherealproblem.Hereistheotherexample:

TedispresidentofNetTech,afirmthatprovidessoftwareengineersandprogrammerstocompaniesthatareredesigningtheirinformationsystems.Thedifferencebetweenthesalariesofhistwohundredemployeesand

theirfeesbilledtoclientsisNetTech'sprofitmargin.HencethemonthlyutilizationreportsfromCathy,thefirm'scontroller,oughttoprovidevitalinformationto

branchmanagers(theveryinformation,infact,whichwilldeterminetheirannualperformancebonuses).Yetshecomplainsthattheyneverlookatherreports,reactwithhostilitywhensheurgesthemtousethem,andrefusetomaketheirofficeadministratorscooperateingettingtheneededdataintohersystemaccuratelyandontime.

TedlearnsthatavirtualstateofwarexistsbetweenCathyandRon,hisvicepresidentofsales(towhomallsixbranchmanagersreport;seeFigure5-4).Ronaccusesheroflyingwhenshe"comescryingtoyouwithcomplaintsofmistreatment."SheblamesRonentirelyforthedisrespectshegetsallthewaydowntheline,attributing

Figure5-4.OrganizationalresponsibilityofNetTechCorporationofficers.

abouthalfoftheproblemtohissexismandhalftodefensivenessabouthislackofmanagementskill.(Twice,shegotTedtosendRontoAMAseminarsandactuallyregisteredhim,buthefoundlast-minuteexcusesnottogo.)

Ron,43,whostartedhiscareerasaprogrammer,cametothisfirmtwelveyearsago,managingthreedifferentbranchesbeforehisrecentpromotiontothemainoffice.Cathy,28,washiredonlyfouryearsagoasassistanttothecontroller.Sheimmediatelybegantocampaignforusingthefirm'sexpertisetorevamptheirownsystem.Herbossretiredandshegothisjob,althoughnothisfullsalary.Ronaccusesheroftryingtousurphisauthority,treatingthebranchmanagers(allmen)arrogantlyandtheiradministrators(allwomen)ashersubordinates.

TedhasalreadyaskedRontotakeCathytolunchandresolvetheirdifferenceswithoutinvolvinghim.Thatdidn'thelp.WhenTedrealizesthathewillhavetomediate,hetriesPlanA.Itonlytakesfiveminutestorealizethatwillgonowhere.PlanBhelpstoclarifytheissueofmalechauvinism,whichRonacknowledges(thoughhefeelssomeofthebranchmanagersareguiltierthanhe,andheclaimsthatthefemaleadministratorshavenoproblemswiththeguysandcan'tstandCathy).Tedtries"springingthefingertrap"(Figure4-1),includinghimselfasoneofthepartieswhoneedtochange.Intheboxlabeled"TedsaysTedmustchange,"hepointedlywrites,"Becleareraboutwho'sresponsibleforwhat"and"Don'tseemtotakesides."

Rontakesthehint,committinghimselfto"GiveCathymoresupport"and"Don'tassumeCathy'sintentionsaremalicious."Cathycanthinkofnothingtowriteunder"CathysaysCathyshouldchange,"rejectingthetwomen'ssuggestions.Beforegivinguponher,however,TeddecidestotryPlanD.

"Thisdisputekeepsgoingaroundandaround,"hesays."Yougetintoaknock-down,drag-outfight,calleachotheralotofnames,andthenitsubsidesforafewweeksoracoupleofmonths.Whathappens?Whydoesitcomeupagain?"

CathyandRoneachofferone-sidedaccountsofwhatstartstheirtrouble.

"Let'sassumeyou'rebothcollaboratinginthis,"Tedsays."Let'sassumethere'sahiddenpayoffinthisconflict,ormaybeahiddencostwhenyougetalong.Afterall,youbothknow

verywellhowtopusheachother'sbuttons,andconversely,howtodealwitheachotherprofessionallywhenyouwantto."

CathyandRonbothlookthoughtful,butthey'renotsuretheyunderstandwhereTedisgoing.Hetriesthe"Whatwouldhappenif?"question:"Whatwouldhappenifyoutwocouldtrusteachotherandifyoufeltrespectedbyeachother?Whatwouldbewrongwithworkingasateam?"

"Whatwouldyoudo?"Cathyasks.

Whatdoyoumean?

Rightnow,abigpartofyourjobismediatingbetweenthetwoofus.You'retryingtospendlessofyourtimeonday-to-dayoperations,whichisgood,butmaybeifyoudidn'thavethisproblemtodealwithfrequently,youmightgetalittletoofarawayfromthings.

ThatturnsouttobethefirstthingCathyhaseversaidthatRoncanfullyagreewith."I'dputitalittledifferently,maybe,"hesays."Ithinkbetweenthetwoofusweshouldbehandlingalltheday-to-daystuff.Ishouldonlyinvolveyouinmeetingwithkeyclientsandcertainnewprospects;Cathyshouldinvolveyouwiththebank,stufflikethat.Butmaybewedon'thavetheconfidencethatthetwoofuscanessentiallyrunthecompanytogether.Wecanbeprofessionalandcordialwitheachotherwhenwewanttobe.Butifshedoesn'thaveconfidencethatIreallyknowwhatI'mdoing,andifIdon'tthinkshehasanyknowledgeatallofwhatweonthelinedo,thenwearen'treadytohaveyouwithdrawtoachairman-of-the-board-typerole."

TedhasbeenacollaboratorinmaintainingtheproblembyhisfailuretoclarifyCathy'sjobtoRonandbyhabituallytryingtopacifybothofthembyagreeingwhentheydenigrateoneanother.Intruth,hehasbeenambivalentaboutthechangesinhisownrolethatthecompany'sgrowthanddevelopmentnecessitate.

Figure5-5summarizestheanalysisofthissustainedconflictcycle.Insteadofarguingforeverabouttheirexcusesforfighting,theycannowturntheirattentiontothematterstheywerefightingtoavoid.

Figure5-5.ThecycleofrecurringconflictasshownbyNetTech'spresidentandtwokeyexecutives.

TheChangeAgent'sChallenge

IntheEmpireRealtycase,myworkwasessentiallydonewhenIhelpedRickandGinogaininsightsaboutwhattheywerefightingtogethertoavoidtalkingabout.Inthelastexample,Ted's,Cathy's,andRon'sinsightswereonlythebeginningofateam-buildingprocessthatwouldbeakeypartoftheirorganizationalchange.Whenyouarecalledupontoimproveasetof

relationships,howcanyouusePlanDinsightstodirectthechangeprocess?

RecallthatinPlansAandBwetriedtoresolvetheconflictthroughbetterlisteningandproblemsolvingbasedonwhatthedisputantssaidtheywerefightingabout.WhenPlansAandBfail,itmeansthedisputantsaren'tsayingormaybearenotevenawareofwhattherealfightisabout.However,thisdoesnotmeanthatoncemadeawareofit,theycanjustcutitout.

Unlikeconflictsbetweenstrangers,whichcanoftenbesettledbycorrectingtheirmisunderstandingsandnegotiatingacompromise,conflictsbetweenmembersofthesamegroupmaybebasedonaverygoodunderstandingand,infact,anunspokencompact:"Let'syouandmefight."Theirconflictwillsubsidewhenitspurposeseemstohavebeenserved,butthenitisonlyamatteroftimebeforethesystemgetsoutofequilibriumagainbecausetherealproblemwasneveraddressed.Sothememberswillfallbackupontheirhabitsofpushingthefamiliarbuttonstogetthefamiliarresult.Therefore,foranyonewhohopestomovethemoffthatmerry-go-round(whetheryou'reoneofthedisputantsyourself,theirsupervisor,anothermemberoftheorganization,oraprofessionalconsultant),thechallengeisusuallygreaterthanjusttalkingthepartiesintostoppingtheirdestructivebehavior(PlanC).Youhavetohelpthemfindbetterwaysofdealingwiththeirunderlyingapprehensions.

Themutuallydestructivepatternoffightingwillcontinueuntilsomeonegivesthepartiesamorestraightforwardwaytodealwithwhateverissuethey'vebeenfightingtoavoid.Theremainderofthischapterdetailsfourstepsforhelpingpeoplefacewhateverissuethey'vebeenavoiding:

1.Identifytheindividualfearsandsharedapprehensionsthattriggerconflictandalienation.

2.Helpthepartiesthemselveslearntorecognizeandeven

anticipatethatthoseapprehensionswillleadtoanotherroundof"herewegoagain,"unlesstheyconsciouslychoosetorespondmoreconstructively.

3.Helpthemlearntointerrupttheprocessofmutualbuttonpushingthattypicallyescalatestheirconflict.

4.Helpmemberscontinuetousetheirexistingwaysofmakingpeace(alreadyintheirrepertoires),reinforcingthemtousethosebehaviorssooner.

Let'sseehowthosestepsmighthelptheleadersofalargenonprofitorganization.

BarbandKarenwereamongthefoundersofGreensleevesmorethanadecadeago.Barbhasrecentlybeenelectedpresident,andKarencontinuesasfirstvicepresidentoftheorganization.Karendoesn'tliketheimperiouswayBarbhasbeguntoexerciseherauthority,andBarbregardsKarenasathreattoherpresidency,buttheyalsosharemanyconcernsandasensethatconflictbetweenthemcouldendangerthecohesivenessandequilibriumoftheirorganization.Adelicatebalancekeepsthemfunctioningtogether.Thatbalanceisupsetwhen,forexample,KarentakesoffenseataperceivedslightwithoutgivingBarbachancetorealizehowheractionaffectedKarenandtoclarifyhernonhostileintentions.Asotherofficersandboardmembersaredrawnin,bothwomenseeinoneanother'sreactionstheconfirmationoftheirworstfears.Theirseparateapprehensionsofoneanother,inotherwords,magnifyandrigidifyalldifferencesintheirpositions.Theirconcerns,desires,andviewsofrealityinteractinaconflict-escalatingway.

Soon,theescalatingconflicttriggersanxietyamongtheleadership.Thefearofwhatafull-blownbattlewouldmeantotheirrelationshiportotheorganizationasawholestopsthemfromgoingtoofar.OthersintervenebyremindingKarenandBarboftheirsharedmission.(TheymoveclockwisefromConflictPeakstoConflictSubsidesinFigure5-6.)Aspeacereturns,thoseotherleadersreinforceKaren'sandBarb'scooperativewordsand

actions.Allisharmonyagain.

Unfortunately,themistrustfulrivalrybetweenKarenandBarbwasn'taddressed.Thereforeassoonasitnolongerthreatensthe

Figure5-6.Thecycleofrecurringconflictasshownbythefoundersofanonprofitorganization.

organization,theylosetheirmotivetojoininsuppressingthatrivalry.Thepeacefulcoexistencerekindlestheirapprehensions:KarenthinksBarbissettingtheorganizationonadisastrouscourse;BarbthinksKarenistryingtousurpherpowerandprestige.Furthermore,bothshareafear(perhapssubconscious)thatifitweren'tfortheirpowerstruggle,somethingevenworsemighthappen.Lossofpassionamongtheleadership?Deviationfromthemoderatepoliciesthatresultfromtheirbalanceofforces?Whatevertheirsharedapprehensionmaybe,whenthingsgetuncomfortablyquiet,someoneignitesanotherroundofconflict,whichescalates,and"Theretheygoagain."Thustheirsocialsystem

maintainsanequilibrium,avoidschange,andevenavoidsthinkingaboutchange.

IdentifytheSharedFears

Wehavefilledinthechart,spendingplentyoftimeontheSharedFearsbox.The''Whatmighthappenif?"questionhelpedusdiscoverKaren'sandBarb'sindividualfearsandmisunderstandings,aswellassomesharedapprehensions.Whatwehavenowisatheory,whichmostoftheparticipantsseemtothinkhaspossiblevalidity.Butaretheleaders'apprehensionsrealistic?WouldKarentrytoundermineBarbifshewerelessvigilant?WouldBarbmodifylongstandingpolicieswithoutconsultingtheboard?

Ifpeopleagreethatthosearerealisticconcerns,thenwehaveredefinedtheproblem.GobacktoPlansBandC(Figure5-7).KarenandBarbhavebeenfightingforgoodreasons,andtheyaren'tgoingtostopuntilcircumstanceschange.

Ontheotherhand,iftheirmutualdistrustisunrealisticandtheirconflictunproductive,thentheyneedtowatchforthenexttimeitoccursandtrycommunicatingbetteratthefirstsignoftrouble(PlansCandA).

LearntoRecognizetheWarningSigns

IntheConflictIgnitesboxofFigure5-6(asin5-2,5-3,and5-5),thefacilitatorassemblesalistofgesturesandfeelingsthatfrequentlygetthesepeopleintotrouble.Theearliertheycanrecognizethose,thebettertheirchancesofinterruptingthecycle.

LearnWhat"Buttons"TypicallyEscalatetheConflict

Thechangeagentwhowillbeinthebestpositiontohighlightthissequenceandcoachpeopletoanticipatethecycleandredirectitistheonewhositswiththeminactualmeetingswheretheconflicthas

typicallyflared.Thatdoesn'thappenatretreatsthatemphasizeirrelevantexercises,suchasrope

Figure5-7.Afteranalyzingthecyclewhatnext?

coursesandartificialteamproblemsolving.Suchexercisespresentpersonalchallengestotheindividualmembers.Theymayalsogenerateinsightsaboutgroupprocessingeneralandevenelicitthegroup'shabitualsequenceofmiscommunicationandconflict;buttheydon'tcreateanopportunitytorevisethatsequenceasitappliestotheirnormalworkprocesses,sotheycantransferwhattheyarecoachedtodo,backintotheeverydaysetting.Withthelattergoalinmind,Istronglyrecommendwhetheryouarefacilitatingaretreatorconsultingattheteam'splaceofbusinesstohavethemconductrealmeetingsonrealtasks,ratherthansimulationexercises.

UsethePeacemakingInstinctsThatAreAlreadyintheSystem

Thefacilitatorasks"Whatmighthappenif?"theconflictbetweenBarbandKarenweretoescalatewithoutpacification.Helearnsthattheleadersshareacommitmenttomaintaintheorganization'spublicimage.Good.Thatisahealthymotive.

Whoarethegroupmemberswhotrytomakepeace?Cantheydosoearlier?Cantheybecomeagentsforpermanentinsteadoftemporarychange?Youcanthinkofthisasharnessingthesystem'shabitualwaysofreducingconflictwhenitgetsoutofhand.Youcanalsovisualizeitaspushingthoseconstructivehabitsback,counterclockwise,sothattheybecomepartoftheresponsetothesharedapprehensionsinthefirstplace.Formerly,certainwarningsignstriggeredconflict.Inthefuture,wewantthosesamewarningsignstotriggerconstructivecommunicationnottoavoidtheconflict,buttoreframeitassoonaspossible,asaproblemfortheteamtoattacktogether.

Letmeputthisconceptanotherway.WhatyouseeontheleftsideofFigure5-6isevidencethatthissystemhasinitsrepertoiretheskillswetalkedaboutinChapters2and3.Theproblemisthatthepeoplearen'tusedtomobilizingthoseskillsexceptwhentheirconflicthasescalatedintoaterrifyingcrisis.Ourjobistogetthemtoexercisethoseskillsbeforetheproblembecomesacrisis.

Thebestwaytobreakbadhabitsistobuildupthestrengthofotherhabitsthatareincompatiblewiththem.Obviouslyitiseasiertobuildstrengthsthatalreadyexistinthesystemthantointroducenewbehavior.Unfortunately,groupsthatareengagedinteambuildingtendtoconcentrateonwhatiswrongwiththeircurrentbehaviorandwhatislacking.Ittakesalittlemorecreativitytofocusontheirexistingstrengthsandthinkaboutamplifyingthem.Yetthatisactuallythemorepromisingapproach.

actuallythemorepromisingapproach.

1

Alongthesamelines,reviewthesectionJoiningtheResistanceinChapter4.Yourjobisnottogohead-to-headwithpeople'sfearoftakingrisks.Theirresistanceistoostrongforyoutotalkthemoutofitdirectly.Besuretheyknowthatyou

knowthey'vehadgoodreasonsformaintainingthecycleofsustainedconflictuptonow.Butforthosesamegoodreasonsyou'resupportingthemtotryamorepromisingapproach.

ReturningtotheProblem

NowtheteamtakesthoseinsightsbacktoPlanAandtriestoattacktherealproblemtogether.AsFigure5-7indicates,theymayrevisitPlansBandC,too.Mostofthepeoplewithwhomyouachieveinsightsabouttheirsustainedconflictcycleswillbepeoplewhosementalhealthisrelativelygoodandwhoaren'toverlydefensive.Nowtheyrealizethattheycantalkabouttheunthinkableorthattheirwholegroupsharesthesameworriesandacommitmenttoavoidthesamecatastrophes.Oftenthatisalltheyneedinordertobreaktheirgridlockandbegintogetthingsdone.

Don'tunderestimatethemotivationalpowerofyourmerelypointingoutwhatpeoplehavebeendoingandtellingthemitwillnotwork."Youcangoonforever,"yousay,"alternatingbetweenthebrinkofwarfareandthedepthsofdenial;therealproblemthatyou'vebeenavoidingwon'tgoaway."(ThisisanelaborationofwhatyoutoldtheminPlanC.)

However,itmaynotbethateasytogainthecommitmentofeveryoneconcerned,tochangetheirpattern.Evenwithsomeacknowledgmentofwhatleadstowhatintherecurringcycleoftheirconflict,supposesomeorallofthemembersstillmaintainthattheyarenotatfault.Itistheotherperson'sfault."YouwanttoknowwhatwouldhappenifIweretostopmakingthoseremarksortakingthoseevasiveactions?Thenshewould."

Checkthatoutwiththeotherperson.Ifthereplyis,"No,IpromiseIwon't;tryme,"that'sgreat.Cajolethenegativememberintogivingherachance.

Unfortunately,theaccusedmightreplyinstead,"Youbetthat'swhatI'ddo,becauseIknowyoualways."Pointingthefingerofblameandtherebyhandicappingherselfastheaccuser'shelplessvictim,sheisusingthelackofchangeinothersasanexcusefordancingtothesameoldtune.Oncethe

grouphasidentifiedmoreadaptivewaystofunction,everyonemustdecidewhoneedstochangewhichbehaviortomakeitbetter.Soyoureturntotheexercise"springingthefingertrap"(Chapter4)andgeteveryonetolookatthemselvesinsteadofwaitingforotherstomakethefirstmoves.

Theexamplesinthischapterhaveassumedaninterviewerorfacilitatorwhoisn'tadirectpartytotheconflict(exceptTedbutevenhethoughtatfirsthewasonlymediatingadisputebetweenRonandCathy).Itisalwayshardertoseepatternswhenyouareimmersedinthem.However,youcanusethesetechniquestodiagramandalterasustainedconflictcycleinyourownrelationships.Andyoucanusetheinformationgainedthereby,topushtheconstructiveprocessesbackintimeuntiltheydisplacethehabitualbuttonpushingandflamefanning.

Let'ssayyouaretheenlightenedmemberofaconflictivesystem;unfortunately,theonlyenlightenedmember.Ifyougetnowhere,shouldyougiveup?NotuntilaftertryingPlanE,unilateralchangeotherwiseknownasleadership.

Note

1.Foranextendeddiscussionofthisandothertopicsthatareonlytoucheduponintheremainingchaptersofthisbook,seeEdgarSchein,OrganizationalCultureandLeadership,2nded.(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,1992).

6PlanE:UnilaterallyDemonstrateChangeSupposetheothermembersofyourgrouparen'twillingtochange.Theremaybeoneparticularpersonyoucan'tseemtoworkwithandcan'tdoanythingabout.Orperhapsyourwholegroupkeepsbuttingheads.Someofthemhaveoutrightrefusedtochange.Othersgavelipservicetoadesiretoimproveteamwork,and,inresponsetopeerpressure,acknowledgedtheirowncontributionstotheproblem.Theyexpressedawillingnessto"try"tochangewhateverpartoftheinteractionisundertheircontrol,butsomehowthatneverhappened.Theyarewaitingforotherpeopletochangefirst.

Everythingwe'vesaidthusfarindicatesthatittakesgeneralgoodwillandcooperationtochangeanorganizationfromaproblem-maintainingsystemintoaproblem-solvingsystem.Nonetheless,asingleindividualcandomuchtostimulatepositivechangewithinanorganization.Andthatdoesn'tjustapplytothosewhoarecurrentlyinleadershippositions.Infact,PlanEcanbeaneffectivewaytoincreaseone'sinfluenceandstatuswithintheorganization.

Brucewasoneoffourvicepresidentsreportingtoaseniorvicepresidentatalargeinternationalcorporation.HisbossreportedtothepresidentoftheNorthAmericandivision.Figure6-1(tophalf)showsthefunctionalorganizationofthosepeopleBrucedealtwithdirectly,soonafteramajorchangeintheirbusinessvisionandthefiringofaseniorvicepresident(positionC).

Therapidityofchangeinthiscompanyhadstirredupconsiderablefear,internalcompetitiveness,turfism,andresistanceto

Figure6-1.FunctionalorganizationofBruce'scorporation.

furtherchange.ThetwoindividualswhooccupiedpositionsAandB,distrustfulandantagonistictowardoneanother,didn'tcommunicatewell.ThesevenpeopleatBruce'sleveldidn'tfunctionasteamsbecause,inadditiontotheanxietythatpervadedthewholeorganization,someofthemwerejockeyingforpositionC.

Sixmonthslater,Brucewaspromotedtothatposition,alsoretaininghisownteam(oneofwhombecameavicepresident)andanothergroupwhichhadpreviouslyreportedtoB(seebottomhalfofFigure6-1).Heattributedthissuccesstohisone-mancampaignforteamwork.

IhadanopportunitytointerviewBruceinthecourseofasubsequentteam-buildingassignmentforhiscompany.ItcameasnosurprisetolearnthatBrucehadessentiallybeenapplyingPlanE.Basedonsoundmanagementpractices,goodpeopleskills,andconsiderablereading,hehadappliedthefollowingprinciples:

[]

"Iwroteoutmyphilosophyofteamwork,basicallythatItakeresponsibilityfordoingmyjobinthewaythatanticipateseveryoneelse'sneedsforinformationorinvolvementorwhateveranddoesn'tslowanyoneelsedown.Ishowedittothepeoplewhoreportedtome,butmainlyIjustreferredtoitmyselfwhendecidinghowIwasgoingtohandlesomething.[]"ItoldpeopleinadvancehowIwasgoingtomakeadecisionorwhatever,andthenIalmostalwaysdiditthewayIsaidIwouldorIgotbacktothemanddiscussedthechange.So,evenifotherswereplayinggameswitheachother,Istayedoutintheopen:nosurprises.[]"Idon'texpectotherstobeperfectteamplayers,soIdidn'toverreacttopettystuff.Imightexpressdisappointmentinsomeone'slackofcooperationorwhatseemedliketrouble-making,butIdidn'tdwellonthenegative.[]"Ididn'tlectureanyoneelseonteamwork.Otherthantellingmyownpeoplehowweweregoingtorelatetoeveryoneelse,Ijustpracticedwithoutpreaching.

[]"Wheneverpossible,ItriedtoanticipateinadvancehowIwouldprobablyfeelpulledintoinfightingorturfism.Being

prepared,Iwasusuallyabletoputasidetheinstinctivereactionandstickwithmyprogram."

Theresult:Managersabove,below,andonaparwithBrucelearnedthattheycouldtrusthimtodealstraightwiththem.Therivalrydidn'tstopwithhispromotioninfact,heencounteredsomeresentmentonthepartofeveryoneonthechart,exceptthepresidentandMbutthenhejustcontinuedtoimplementhisunilateralplan."Youdon'thavetochange,"hisbehaviorimplied."I'mgoingtoplaylikeateammateofyours,regardless."

Themorepowerfulanindividualisattheoutset,obviously,thefasterheorshecanmotivatethewholesystemtochange;yetitisalsotrueforanyoneatanyleveloftheorganizationthatleadingitstransformationintoaproblem-solvingsystemcanbeapathtogreaterinfluenceandpower.

"Ialoneamnotpowerfulenoughtochangethissystem.ButI'mnotitsvictim;Icontrolhowthesystemaffectsme,howIpresentmyselftoothers,andwhetherIcontinuetoworkintheorganizationornot."Canonepersonchangeasystem?Notalone,butchangehastostartwithsomeone.Moretothepoint,evenifthesystemismorepowerfulthanyoualone,youdon'thavetobeitsvictim.Youcontrolhowyourespondtothesystem,howyoupresentyourselftoothers,andwhetheryoucontinuetoworkintheorganization.Thosedegreesofcontrolareoftenenoughtoinfluenceothermembers'attitudestowardpositivechanges;butwhentheydon't,youhaven'tlostanything.

TheDisarmingEffectofUnilateralDisarmament

Inthissection,we'llassumethatthedisputeyou'remostconcernedaboutisoneinwhichyouareacombatantor,asyouseeit,atargetofhostility.Naturallyyoufeeltheotherpartiesaretheaggressorsandyou

hostility.Naturallyyoufeeltheotherpartiesaretheaggressorsandyouaremerelyprotectingyourself.The

lastthingthatwouldcomenaturallytoyouunderthosecircumstanceswouldbetogiveupyourcounteroffensiveweapons.Thethoughtofunilateraldisarmamentalwaysraisesfears;youdon'twanttoleaveyourselfvulnerabletoattack.Butrememberthattheotherpartyismotivatedbyfear,too.Whenyoubecomelessthreatening,youwillhavelesstofear.

Pat,aproductionmanager,andHenry,customerservicesmanager,havealong-standingfeud.Theirbosstellsthemtocutitoutandgrowup;he'sfedupwithbothofthem.Patdecidestotryunilateraldisarmament.

"Henry,"shesaysoverlunch(hertreatandshesaysthisnolaterthanimmediatelyafterthewaitertakestheirorder),"IwanttospeakmorefranklyandlessdefensivelythanI'veeverdonebefore.IhavedecidedtotakeresponsibilityforanythingandeverythingIcanpossiblydotomakeourworkingrelationshipproductive."ThenshegoesontoexplorewithHenrywhatthatmightmean,unconditionally.

Therearewaystodisarmoneselfdramaticallywhilereducingtherisks,nomatterhowaggressiveyouropponentmaybe:

[]

Telltheworldwhattoexpectfromyou.Thenbesureyourbehaviorisconsistentwiththoseexpectations.Nosurprises.

[]Referonlytoyourownbehavior,avoidingthetemptationtodwellonthe(formerly)problematicbehaviorofothers.Letbygonesbebygones.(ThisprincipleisconsistentwithPlanA,focusinguponthesharedgoalsratherthanthedifferences.)[]Don'tdemandinstantappreciationandpaybackforeverypositivemoveyoumake.Expectalagbeforeothers'perceptionscatchupwithreality.(ThiscorrespondstothePOVunderstandingofPlanB.)[]Bepreparedtoappreciateeventinymovesintherightdirection(aswedoinPlanC);don'tminimizethem.[Thinkaboutthesystem'sreasonsforresistance,andprovide

]healthiermeanstomaintainequilibrium(PlanD).

TheManagerasReferee

Nowlet'slookatadifferentsituation,oneinwhichyouaren'toneofthedisputants.Youaretheirmanager.Twopeoplewhoreporttoyoukeepcomingtoyouwiththeircomplaintsaboutoneanother.YouareinthepositionofTed,thecompanypresidentIdiscussedinChapter5(Figure5-4),whosecontrollerandvicepresidentareatwarwitheachother.

TedhastriedeverythinghecanthinkoftogetCathyandRontoworktogethermoreconstructivelyexceptrealizingthatheownsthewholeproblem!Whateverhehasbeendoinglisteningpatiently,shuttlediplomacy,tellingthemboththey'rerightabouttheother'sdefectshasbeenmaintainingtheproblem.Insteadoftryingtomakenicetothem(themorehedoesso,themoretroubletheyhavewitheachother),whatwouldhappenifhedidexactlytheopposite:madelifeimpossibleforbothofthemuntiltheysolvedtheproblem?

Hesays,''CathywillquitifIstanduptoheronthismatter.Ican'taffordthat;she'sindispensable."

Therearetwofaultswiththatreasoning;Oneisthatyoucan'taffordtokeepanemployeewhohasyouoverthatkindofbarrel.Furthermore,shewon'tquit.Infact,bothpeoplewillbegratefulthatyoubroketheircycleofconflict.Butyouhavetodoitasoutlinedabove,notjust"StopfightingorI'llpunishbothofyou."Howaboutaskingthetwoofthemtoprepareajointmemo,whichtheybothhavetosign,addressingonlythosethingstheyagreethatyouneedtochangeaboutyourownmanagerialstyle.However,thiswillonlyworkifyou(a)requirethemtodothistaskforyouand(b)respondsincerelyandvisiblytotheirlistofrequestedchanges.

Teddoesn'tthinkforaminutehe'sthewholeproblemoreventhebiggestproblem.Cathyisdefensive,neverwrong,hostile.Roniscontemptuousofher,andsexist,andhaspoisonedthebranchadministratorsagainsther,

contrarytoTed'sorders.Butnoneofthathaschanged,soTedaskshimselfandthemwhathecandounilaterally.Hecanseethathe'sbeentooconciliatoryandsupportive

ofeachofthemandknowsit'struethathehastriedtoavoidconflictbyallowingagreatdealofvaguenessinhowhe'sdefinedCathy'sjob.Soheaddresseshimselftothat,lettingthemknowwhathe'sdoingandthathe'llexpectthemtoeliminatetheproblemoncehetakescareofhisendofit.

TheVolunteerPeacemaker:RisksandRewards

Theothersituationinwhichyoumightactaloneoccurswhennooneelseiswillingtotaketheleadinhelpingsomemembersofyourorganizationbreakthecycleofchronicconflict.Youmaybeahumanresourcesmanager,calledinwhenthelinemanagershavethrownuptheirhandsindespair.Oryoumaybealinemanager:Yourdirectreportasksforhelp,forexample,withsomeoneintheorganizationwho'snotsubordinatetoyou.

Therisksinsuchsituationsaretwo.Oneisthatyouputyourselfintothemiddleofsomethingthatformerly"didn'tinvolveyou"(thoughofcourseitreallydoeshaveanimpactoneveryoneinthesystem).Thesecondriskisthatanythingthatupsetsanequilibriummightcauseevengreaterdamage.

Sohowcanyoureducetherisks?

[]

Makeyourmandateexplicit.Discusswithallsidestheprosandconsofyourgettinginvolved.Howwillitaffecttheirrelationshipswithyou?Whendoesyourinvolvementend?Cananyoftheparties(includingyourself)terminateyourinvolvementbeforethatendisreached?How?[]Beprepared.Whatmaneuverscanyouexpectonthebasisofpeople'spastbehavior?Howwillyouhandlethosemoves?Whatmightupsettheirfragileequilibrium?Howwillyourespondtothat?[]Prepareothers:"Wearen'teliminatingyourconflict;we'rejusttryingtohelpyouhandleitalittlemoreconstructivelyinthefuture.It'sinevitablethatproblemswillcontinuetoariseasweworkonthis.Howwillwedealwiththem?"

Althoughitisimportanttobemindfulofthoserisks,thepotentialrewardsofpeacemakingaregreater.Onlyoneofthoseisthestakeyouhaveinimprovedrelationshipsandbetterteamworkinyourorganization.Anotheristhefactthatwhateverrealproblemswerebeingavoidedthroughthatconstantorperiodicsideshowarenowgoingtobeaddressedforthefirsttimeinastraightforwardway.Finally,thereistheimportantfactthattheorganizationmembers,includingyourself,nowrecognizeyouasaleader.

7NowWeAreAConflict-ResolvingSystemOuraspirationsarehigherthanmerelysolvingtoday'sspecificproblem.Evenifyoucametothissystemhopingnomorethantodealwithaspecificcrisis,thepayoffforyourorganizationshouldconsistofasignificantchangeinthewayitsmembersviewthemselves.It'sworthgivinganametotheirnewlyrecognizedcapabilities:Conflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS),whichtheycannowapplytowhateverfuturechallengesdemandexcellenceincommunicatingandinfacilitatingoneanother'swork.

Asahumanresourcesmanagerforalargecorporation,youoverseecompensation,benefits,training,andrecruitingforplantsinthreeCanadianprovinces.Youron-sitehumanresourcessupervisoratoneofthosesiteshasaproblemmediatingadisputebetweenhisnewplantmanager,Karen,andherpurchasingmanager,Marco.ThelatterhappenstohavebeenpassedoverforpromotionwhenKarenwashired(thoughhedeniesthisisanissue).Theyarebarelyonspeakingterms,letaloneworkingwelltogether.Youarrive,liketheexpertyouare,toresolvetheirconflict.

Whatisyourgoal?

a.Tobringouttheirhumanityandmakethemkinder,gentler,morefulfilledpeople?

b.Toimprovetheirperformanceasabusinessteam?c.Totraintheminbettercommunicationskillssoyoudon'thavetoreturntomediatetheirnextdispute?

d.Totraintheirhumanresourcesmanagersohecanbemoresuccessfulwiththeseandallotheremployees?

e.Tochangethecultureoftheirplant,yourwholeregion,andultimatelytheentirecorporationsothatinterpersonalproblemsareresolvedasquicklyandeffectivelyaspossible?

f. Tomaketheexpectationthat"wearegoodatresolvingconflicts"akeyelementintheconfidenceandpridewithwhichteamsregardthemselvesthroughoutyourcompanypartofwhattheyseeastheircompetitiveedgeandonereasontheychoosetoworkhere?

Theanswer:alloftheabove.Ifyouchoseb,youwerethinkingonlyofyourprimarygoal.Butaisprobablynotincompatiblewiththat;whynotbothaandb?

Youmightconsiderthenexttwoanswers,candd,goodsecondarygoals:toimprovethedisputants'communicationskillsandmaketheirstaffsupportpersonabetterconflictresolver.Ifyoucanmoveinthedirectionofcanddwhileachievingb,somuchthebetter.Butaretheyonlysecondarygoals?Thinkaboutit.ItisKaren'sandMarco'scurrentdisputethatissecondary:anacutesymptomofaproblemthatwillrecurifyoumerelytreatthesymptom.Isitworthyourgoinginjusttoputoutthatfire(goalsaandb)?Orshouldyoubethereprimarilytomakeasafetyinspectionandtrainthelocalfirestation(goalscandd)?Ingeneral,doesn'tabusinessorganizationneedtovieweverysignificantproblemasapossiblerecurringsituationandthereforeacaseforcontinuousprocessimprovement?Thecompanythatmerelysolvesoneproblemafteranother,casebycase,withoutimprovingitsprocessfordoingsoineffect,withoutalearningcurveisacompanythatfailstocompeteovertime.Thisisnolesstrueinthearenaofinternalcommunicationsthaninmanufacturing,marketing,orfinance.

Thatbringsustoeandf,goalsthatmightstrikesomereadersasgrandiose.Iwouldarguethatathroughdaremerelynecessaryroutineprocessesinrunninganyorganization.Anycompanythatjuststaysalivewillbeaddressingthosegoalscontinuously.Toaddressthemprovidesnocompetitiveadvantage,

Onlywhenyoucaninfluenceyourorganizationalculture(e),andparticularlywhenmembersoftheorganizationconsciouslyregardtheirteamworkasapositiveelementintheiridentity(f),doesitcontributesustainableadvantagetoyourcompany.

Thischaptershowshowtoleveragethesystematicproblem-solvingprocesseswehaveoutlinedthusfar,sotheorganizationbecomesnotconflictfree(whichneverhappens,andwewouldn'twantit)butconflicttranscendent.Justastotalqualitymanagement(TQM)isaconstant,ongoingprocesswithregardtoacompany'sinputsandoutputs,CRSisaconstantaspectofexcellencewithregardtothewayacompany'shumanresourcesworktogether.

CRSasaKeyElementofTeamBuilding

Teambuildingisamultifacetedprocess(Figure7-1).OnlyonefacetisLeadership,thepersonalqualitiesandmanagementstyleofwhoeverbuildsandheadsyourteam.UndertheheadingofOrganizationitincludesfindingthemostproductive

Figure7-1.Facetsofteambuilding.

structure,jobdescriptions,andreportingrelationships.UndertheheadingPersonnelitincludesrecruitment,compensation,promotions,andemployeedevelopment:gettingthebestpeopleintherightjobswitheffectiveincentives.AndundertheheadingCultureitincludesalltheexpectationsmembershaveaboutappropriateattitudesandmodesofbehaviorinyourorganization.Somewherespanningallfourofthosefacetsisyoursystemofresolvingconflictsandmaintainingeffectiveinternalcommunications.

Is"High-PerformanceTeamwork"anOxymoron?

Asorganizationsmoveawayfromhierarchical,disciplinedcultureswithclearboundariesaroundfunctionandauthority,themanagementliteratureencouragestheirleaderstomovethemintwocontradictorydirections.Onedirectionistowardgreaterindividualresponsibilityandaccountabilityforperformance.Theotherdirectionistowardmore"systems"conceptssuchaslearningculturesandflexibleboundarymanagement.Thosedirectionsareoppositetooneanotherinthatthefirstpromotesmorecompetitionamongindividualstoprovetheirworthtotheorganization,whereasthesecondemphasizesmoretrustandfocusesaccountabilitymoreontheteamthantheindividual.Sotheexpertsseemtobepointingtowardguaranteedconflict.

Thechallengeoforganizationalleadershiptodayistosetabalancedcourse,capturingtheadvantageswhileminimizingthedisadvantagesofboththosetrends(andnottocompletelyabandonthecontroladvantagesoftheold-fashionedhierarchicalculture,either).Buttherightbalanceforeachcompanydependsuponitsleaders'analysisoftheirbusiness,theirsharedvision,andtheirlong-termgoalsandstrategies.

Imagineatriangleeachofwhosecornersisaterriblewaytoorganizeemployees(Figure7-2).Atonecorneristheextremelyhierarchical,

well-trained,anddisciplinedmilitaryorganizationwhosetroopsstandatattentioninthetropicalsununtiltheydrop.Whenonesoldiercollapses,theothersstayatattention,eyesstraightahead.

LabelthatcornerMaximumControl.

Figure7-2.Findingthebalancepoint.

Anothercornerisindividualism:eachmanorwomananisland,allrelationshipscompetitive,self-serving,andtransitory,everyoneoutforthealmightySelf.Thinkofanadvertisingagencyorlawfirmwhereeverypartnerisaprimadonna,orconsideranOlympicgymnastic"team."Americansocietywasfounded,inpart,onthemythofindividualism,whichcansometimesgotoofar.Businessorganizationsareoftenviewedasanti-individualist,butsomewidespreadpracticesfallnearthe"everyoneoutforthemselves"corner:theuseoftemporaryworkersascommoditylabor,forexample,orthemanagementstyleofpittingone'ssubordinatesagainsteachotherinabattleforfavorandsurvival.

LabelthatcornerMaximumInternalCompetition.

Themodelforthethirdcornerisamutuallysupportivefamilynotnecessarilywellfunctioning,butwithahighdegreeoftrustinoneanother'sloyalty.Habituallyenmeshedinoneanother'saffairs,theirbehaviorcouldn'tbemoredifferentfromthesoldiersatattention.

Whenonemembersneezes,businessstopswhileeveryonehandshimatissue.

LabelthatcornerMaximumTrustandInternalSupport.(Ofcourse,thisdoesn'tmeantheireffortsarenecessarilyeffectiveorevenconstructive.)

Thosethreemodelsmerelyanchorthetriangle.Yourcompanyissomewhereinsidethatspace.Whereisitactually?Whereshoulditbeideally?

TheMaximumControlcorner,thoughhistoricallyeffectiveinwinningwars,iscertainlynotwhatmanagementexpertsandbusinessleadersadvocatetoday.Astheyemphasizegrouplearning,teambuilding,communications,flexibleboundarymanagement,andparticipativeculturalchange,theychallengemanagerstomoveawayfromthemilitarymodeltowardwhat?Increasingdemandsforaccountability,performance-basedcompensationandincentives,andatoneofintensecompetitiveness(internalaswellasexternal)suggesttheindividualistcorner.

Atthesametime,thecurrentliteratureisfulloftwohotideasfromsocialsystemstheorythatseemtosuggestenmeshment:theboundarylessorganizationandthelearningorganization.Withthephraseteambuildingaspopulartodayasfamilyvalues,individualismlookslikethewaveofthepast.Whataretheimplicationsofmorelateralcommunications;overlappingfunctions;sharedinitiatives,decisions,andaccountability?Shouldabusinessbe"onebigfamily"afterall?

Thenewliteraturesaysyes,inaway:Greaterconsciousnessoforganizationsassystemsandbetteruseofthelearningpowerofteamsmustmeanacquiringtheabilitytomanagepeoplewhohavepowerfulandemotionallysignificantrelationshipswithoneanother.Doesthatmeanstockingupontissues?No.Noonesuggeststhatthecornerzoneisdesirable.We'renottalkingaboutgoingsofarastotakeontheproblemsoffamilylife.

Orarewe?

Theneworganizationrequiresmanagersandtheirsubordinatestolivewithouttheclearboundariesofhierarchy,function,andgeographytheyknewinthepast.Inplaceofthosecomeinvisible,flexible,permeableboundaries,describedinaHarvardBusinessReviewarticleas"morepsychologicalthan

organizational.Theyaren'tdrawnonacompany'sorganizationalchartbutinthemindsofitsmanagersandemployees.Knowinghowtorecognizethesenewboundariesandusethemproductivelyistheessenceofmanagementintheflexibleorganization."

1Theonlyguidepoststhroughthathyperspace,theauthorstellus,aremanagers'"owngutfeelingsaboutworkandthepeoplewithwhomtheydoit."

Thatisterrifying.Itmeansmoreuncertainty,muchmoreriskofconflict.Livewithit,saytheexperts.

Thenalongcomesanothergroupofexpertswritingabout"thelearningorganization."2Putasidetheleader'svision,transmitteddownthroughtheranks.Thetrulyvisionaryleaderisonewhounderstandsthelimitsofhisorherownvisionwellenoughtoempowerotherstoperpetuallycreate,question,andrenewtheirsharedunderstandingofwhattheirchangingenvironmentdemandsofthem.

Organizationsneedtobecomeevermorecapableoflearninghowtoworkevermoreinterdependentlyonprojectstheymustconstantlyredesign.AlthougheducationalphilosopherJohnDeweystressedthesamepointnearlyonehundredyearsago,itisonlytherecentspreadofsystemsthinkingthathasbroughtthelearningphilosophyintomanagementtheory,intotheannualreportsandspeechesofCEOsaroundtheworld,intothepracticesofsuccessionplanningconsultants.Wecannotselectthenextgenerationofleadersonthebasisofwhattheyalreadyknowhowtodo.Wecannotevenselectthemforwhattheyarecapableoflearning.Weneedmanagerswhocanleadtheirteamsandtheirorganizationstobecomeevermorecapableoflearninghowtoworkevermoreinterdependentlyonprojectstheymustconstantlyredesign.

Terrifying.Exciting,yes,andchallenging,butthegreaterpotentialforconflictsisobvious.The"learningculture"isasfullofuncertaintyandriskasisthe"boundarylessorganization."

BoundaryManagement

Manyfactorsintoday'sbusinessenvironmentdictatelessbureaucratic,moreflexible,team-orientedmanagement.Thedaysarepastwhenyoucouldminimizeconflictbyminimizingcontact;thatis,byerectingorganizationalboundaries.

Ontheotherhand,youcan'tsimplythrowoutalldistinctionsofauthority,function,referencegroup,andknowledge.Nordoyouwanttoeliminateallcompetitionamongunitswithintheorganization;onlythewastefulordestructiveinfighting.Boundarieswillstillexist,butnowmanagersmustartfullybalancetheefficiencyofautonomousteamswiththeinformationalpowerofnetworks.

Thisproblemofmanagingboundariesflexiblyisinseparablefromtheproblemofinterpersonalconflictinorganizations.Conflictmaybearesultofinadequateboundaries,butitcanalsoleadtodysfunctionallyrigidones.Putanotherway,''goodfencesmakegoodneighbors"butbadneighborssometimeserectwalls.Sothebestdisputeresolutionisreallymaintenanceworkonthosefencesandonthestilesthatallowhumanbeingsbutnotbeaststocrossthem.Itgoesalongwaytowardcreatingahealthybalancebetweenstructureandflexibility.

ControllingtheCostsandRisksofaPerformanceCulturevs.aLearningCulture

OneoftheadvantagesofCRSisthatitisjustasmuchameansofreducingexcessiveloyaltyandenmeshment(avoidingthelowerrightcornerofFigure7-2)asitisameansofreducingexcessiveconflictandinternalcompetition(avoidingthelowerleftcorner).Allofthesystematicsequenceofinterventions,fromgoalsortingtoactivelistening,toclarifyingandvaluingdifferences,toanalyzingtheproblemmaintenancecycle,areaimedatbringingtheteambacktoabalancedcourse.

Thehotconcepts"flexibleboundaries"and"learningcultures"arebothtrendsawayfromunrealisticattemptstoover-organizeandovercontrolfromthetop.Thequestionishowfartomoveinthatdirectionwithoutlosingindividualaccountabilityforcontributingtoprofitability.

Truehighperformanceisn'tanextreme,it'sabalance.Ifcorporationsadvocatemoreflexibilityinpeople'sroles,moreopennesstochange,andmoretrustinteamstoredefinetheirtasksconstantly,theymustplanhowtogetthehighperformanceteamworkwithouttheexcessiveinternalcompetitionandpotentiallydestructiveconflict.Thebestteambuildingdoesn'tproduceconflict-freeteamwork.Theteamwillconstantlybenefitfrom,andtranscend,conflict.Ideally,theteamundergoesalearningcurveinitsabilitytoresolveconflictingideasandapproaches.

Theneedtorewardhigh-performingindividualsandreplaceunderperformersmightappearcompatiblewiththeideaofteams.Simplyshifttheperformancecriteriafromindividualtogroupperformanceobjectivesandcomposetheteamsofhighachieversinthefirstplace.Butupondeeperreflection,andinpractice,thereareatleasttwoproblemswiththatsolution.Oneisthatindividualswithatrackrecordofoutstandingachievement,inorganizationsorinrolesthatdon'trequiremuchteamwork,don'talwaysmakeoutstandingteammembers.Theotherproblemisthateventalentedandmotivatedpeopletaketimetolearntocommunicatewellandtofacilitateoneanother'sperformance.Anorganizationalculturewithlowtoleranceforthegradualpaceofhumandevelopmentwilltendtokeepchangingtheplayersandthusmayneverachievethelevelofteamworktheyarecapableof.

WhenIexplainedtothehumanresourcesvicepresidentofalargepubliccompanyhowitscontentiousdivisionpresidentswerelikefeudingsiblingsinafamilybusiness,hequicklypointedout,"Butwe'renotafamily.Ourcultureemphasizesthatifthelinebackerisn'tdoinghisjob,he'sofftheteamandwe'llgetanewlinebacker."Hedidn'tthinkaknowledgeofsocialsystemsbasedonthedynamicsoffamilieswouldapplytoteamsofunrelatedindividuals.Myreply,and

theconclusionofthisbook,isthataneffectiveteamcombinesboththebestfeaturesofsuccessfulfamiliesandthecarrot-and-stick(or,tobeprecise,thecarrot-and-ax)accountabilityfoundinanycompetitivebusiness.It'sabalancingact.

Thecultureofteamworktakesamoresophisticatedviewof"nonperformance"andencouragessharedresponsibilityforturningitaround(uptoapoint,ofcourse).

Teamworkisn'tanextreme.It,too,isabalance.Itdoesnotmean"allforoneandoneforall."Itmeanstakingadvantageoftheabilitytocommunicatelaterally,changingfunctionalrolesassituationsrequire,sharingresponsibilityandaccountability.However,atthesametime,itcanholdindividualsevenmoreresponsibleforfacilitatingthegroup'smission,andevenmoreaccountabletooneanotherandtheorganization,thaninahierarchicalculturewithfunctionalautonomy(whichsuffersfromthe"Notmyjob"syndrome).

MakingCRSaBigDeal

Let'sassumeyoudecidetolaunchaprogramspecificallyunderanamelikeCRS.Whatyoucallitisnotimportant.AcompanycalledTelebuxmightlaunchTACT,theTelebuxAnti-ConflictTeamworkprogram;onecalledKaiser,KCRS,theKaiserConflict-ResolvingSystem;andsoon.Theonlypointofgivingitanameandacronymorabbreviationistocallattentiontoyourprogramtoleverageitformaximumpossiblebenefit.

Moreimportantthanwhatyoucallitarethefollowingpoints:

[]

Alldisputesarenowconstructivelyresolvable.Makeitcleartoeveryoneintheorganizationthatyounowhavesystematicconflictresolutionprocedures.Disputesaren'tlefttochance,ortothecatch-as-catch-canskillsandinstitutionsthatindividualmanagershappentohaveacquiredinthecourseoftheirpersonalgrowth.[]Whoownsthechanges?IfandwhenCRSbecomespartofyourorganization'sculture,itwillbebecauseofmanypeople'seffortsinformalmeetingsandinformaldiscussionsoveraperiod

ofmonths.It'simportantthattheleadersbosses,groupleaders,orconsultantsshouldn'ttakemuchcreditforthechange.Ifithappened,ithappenedbecauseoftheparticipantsthemselves;andmakingthatloudandclearismuchmorethanjustacourtesy.It'sabsolutelyessentialforthemembersthemselvestoknowtheyweretheoneswhosolvedtheproblem.Theyshouldbeproudofhavingachievedit,ratherthanviewingitassomethingdonetothem.Why?Becausetheymustbelievetheycanapplythesameskillstootherconflictsinthefuture.[]PublicizingCRSasapermanentasset.Whenyougobeyondtryingtoresolveaparticularissueandintroduceaformalprogramtobringthissystemtoyourorganization,thenewsbelongsinyourcompany'snewsletterandonplaquesonpeople'swalls.Ifyouholdaretreattoworkonthesematters,youmightcommemorateitwithasuitableembossedgiftforeachparticipant.ThepointofallsuchgesturesistokeepreiteratingthatCRSisoneattributeofouridentityasanorganizationofwhichwearedeservedlyproud.[]Extendingthesystem.Wehavestressedthatwithin-organizationdisputesarefundamentallydifferentfromdisputesbetweenunrelatedparties.Butwhereistheboundaryaroundyour"organization"?Yourenterpriseasawholeinvolvescustomers,vendors(includingconsultants),shareholders,lenders,government.Hencea"within-organization"problem-solvingsystemextendstorelationshipswiththosewhoformerlymighthavebeenconsidered"others."Inthesamewaythatqualitycontrolispartofalliancebuildingwithyourextendedenterprisepartners,CRSisakeyassetinyourstrategicalliancesandingainingandholdingcompetitiveadvantage.

Conclusions:TheChallengeofWorkingTogether

Asawayoforganizingyourmethodsforresolvingdisputesandfacilitatingteamwork,anyonewhohasteam-buildingresponsibilitiescanusesystematicconflictresolution.However,

canusesystematicconflictresolution.However,

forittoplayasupportingroleinthegreatersystemtheorganizationalculturedependsuponsomepriorsteps.

Thechallengeoforganizationalleadershiptodayistosetabalancedcoursebetweencompetitiveelementsofculturesuchasperformancereviewsandaccountability,andtrust-basedelementssuchasboundaryspanningandthelearningorganization.Teamworkandhighperformancebothdemandthatbalance,sotheideaof"high-performanceteamwork"isnotanoxymoron.However,thelocationofthebestbalanceforaparticularorganizationhowmuchcontrol,howmuchemphasisonperformance,howmuchtrustandsupportforpeoplewilldependonthatorganization'slong-termgoalsandstrategies.

Thecultureofteamworktakesasophisticatedviewof"nonperformance,"recognizesthattalentedandmotivatedpeopletaketimetolearntoworktogether,andencouragessharedresponsibilityforthatlearning.HenceCRSisanindispensabletoolfortheorganizationwhoseleadersdeterminetofindandmaintaintheiroptimalbalancebetweeninternalcompetitionandcooperation.However,forthistobeusefulasawholesystem,aspartoftheorganization'sculture,thestrategicplanmusthaveaddressednotjustmarkets,products,finance,andgrowthquestions,butalsoquestionsabouthowpeoplearegoingtoworktogether.Towhatextentwilltheirperformanceevaluationsreflectteamwork?Aretheteamsthemselves,theactualworkinggroupsandcross-functionplanninggroups,incompetitionwithoneanotherwithinthecompanyasawhole?Oristheorganizationitselfateamofteams?

Althoughtheanswerstosuchquestionsarebeyondthedomainofthisbook,youwillneedtoaddressthempriortothequestionofwhetherCRSshouldbeanexplicitpartofyourculture.

Consultantscanguidethelearningculture,theboundary-permeating

process,andthetransitiontonewleadership,buttheycanneverbethesourceofanyofthosethreethings.Thecultureitselfmustsupportacommitmenttolearningandabalancebetweenfunctionalresponsibilitiesandopencommunication.Thathappensonlyinanorganizationwhoseleadersactivelycommitthemselvestoit.

Notes

1.LarryHirschhornandThomasGilmore,"TheNewBoundariesofthe'Boundaryless'Company,"HarvardBusinessReview,MayJune1992(Vol.70,No.3),pp.104115.

2.PeterSenge,TheFifthDiscipline(NewYork:Doubleday,1991);D.N.Michael,OnLearningtoPlanAndPlanningtoLearn(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,1985);EdgarSchein,OrganizationalCultureandLeadership,2ded.(SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,1992).

8Summary:TheSystemAppliedThischapterhastwopurposes:tosummarizethesystemforinterpersonalproblemsolvingandtoprovideareferenceguideforapplyingthesystemtospecificproblems.

Figure1-1,theflowchartIintroducedinChapter1asamapofthebook,isnowasetofrulesofengagementtocarryinyourheadwhenyoumarchintothebattle.PlansA,B,C,D,andEcomposealogicalsequence:

Agreementandsharedgoals:Focusonthesefirst,andkeepcomingbacktothem.

But,westillhavedifferences.Clarifythem,valuethem,sortoutthosethatyoucaneliminateinvariousways.

Commitpeopletochange.

Diagramthechroniccycleofsustainedconflict.Havetheybeenfightingtogethertoavoidtalkingaboutimportantissues?

Excel,personally:Ifotherswon'tbudge,whatcanyoudounilaterally?

Thissequencebeginswiththesimplestapproachtoawin/winresolution,thenaddsmore-challengingapproachesonlyastheyareneeded(Figure1-1).Butthereisnothingrigidaboutthatsequence,nolimittothenumberoftimesyoumightreturntoanapproacheitherbeforeoraftermovingon.Mymentorinsystematicconflictresolution,ProfessorWilliamPinsof,usedtocompareittotheartofajazzmusicianlearningandpracticingthescales,chords,andriffssowellthatonecanimprovise

onthem,neverusingthemquitethesameway.Notwoperformancesofourchartwithdifferentensembleswillbealike,butallwillinvolvethemusicalelementsofdiscord,tension,andharmonicresolution.

Beforeshowinghowyoumightperformallthatjazzinavarietyofcases,letmereprisewhatIsaidinChapter1aboutwhentousethetechniquesinthisbook.

Therearetwofundamentallydifferentkindsofdisputeresolution.Wehearandreadmoreabouttheexternalkind,betweenpeoplewhowillhaveanarms-lengthrelationship,atbest,aftertheirsettlement.Thatwouldincludedisputesbetweenunrelatedordivorcingindividualsorbetweenpermanentadversarygroups,suchasunionsandmanagementwiththeiropposingbattalionsofattorneys.Conflictresolutionwithinafamilyorworkinggroupgetsmuchlessattentioninthepressaswellastheprofessionalliterature,eventhoughitispartofourliveseveryday.

Althoughthisbookisconcernedwiththelatter,thewithin-groupkind,youmayhavenoticedthatsomeoftheobservationsandsuggestionsinChapters2and3applytoeitherkindofconflict.Forexample,anattorneynegotiatingasettlementforherclientinatortmatteroracontractdisputewouldlookforthewin/winsolutionbyconcentratingonsharedgoals,clearingupanymisunderstandingsbetweenthetwosides,andclarifyingtheirdifferences.Shewouldalsoemployactivelisteningandpositivereframing.Sowouldaneutralmediatorinsuchdisputes.Inaddition,though,thenegotiatorforonesidemightusethreatsandultimatums,whicharen'tappropriateinsituationswherethepartiesneedtohavearelationshipafterward.Becausetheyarebasedonpowerratherthantrust,suchtacticsforcontrollingothersareoflittleusetotheleadersofanorganizationthatisexperiencinginternalconflict.

Thissystemasawholeisspecificallydesignedforanyandall

disputesbetweenpersonswhocannotorwillnotwalkoutofeachother'slives.Notwithstandingtheirhumanemotions,neuroses,personalitydifferences,andculturaldiversity,theyneedtoworktogether.Theydon'thavetobefriends,buttheydoneedtobeteammates.Andthepersonwhoemploysthissystemisneitherahiredgunforonesidenoraneutral,buta

changeagent(aleaderinthebestsenseoftheword)helpingthembuildmoreeffectivecommunicationsandmoreconstructiverelationships.

CaseApplications

Weconcludewithasamplingofsuchsituations.Somearesimilartoexamplesinearlierchapters,butthepurposehereistofollowtheoverview,theflowthroughdifferentapproachesasneeded.TheCRSflowchart(Figure1-1)adaptstovirtuallyanyconflictwithinagroupororganization,withcontingenciesforthemostcooperativetypesofpeopleaswellastheleastcooperative.Testyourunderstandingofthebriefrationaleforapplyingittoeachofthesecasesorjustfliptowhichevercaseringsthemostbellsforyou.

DisaffectedPartners

Youandafriendstartedabusinesswith$20,000andnoemployees.Aftereightyears,youhavesixtyemployees,30percentannualgrowth,andamutualfrustrationthatkeepsyouavoidingoneanotherfordaysatatimeandthreatenstotearyourbusinessapart.Youdon'ttrustoneanother'sjudgment,perhaps;oroneanother'scommitment,orpeopleskills.Ofcourse,youresentyourpartner'sdisaffectionandyoumissthefriendship.

Thisisacaseforoutsidehelp.Asoneoftheantagonists,youcan'tbethemediator.Norcanyouputanyofyouremployeesoreitherofyourspousesinthatposition.

PlanAaskswhetheryoubothwanttomaintainthisbusinesspartnership.Ifeitherownerhasalreadydecidedtoendit,thenitbecomesaquestionofwhetheronebuystheotheroutoryoubothsellthewholecompany.Itturnsout,however,thatyourpartneradamantlywantstostayinthebusiness.Hisfirstpreferencewouldbetorestoreaconstructiveco-ownership;failingthat,tobuyyouout.Yousharethesamefirstpreference,butnotthesecond.Youdon'tcaretoanalyzeall

thealternativeoptionsunlesstheybecomenecessary,butforavarietyofreasons

you'dhavegravereservationsaboutsellingyourhalftohim.

Thatissuecanbesetasidewhileaddressingthesharedgoalofworkingconstructivelytogetherifpossible.Youspelloutwhatthatmeanstoeachofyou,intermsofbusinessgoals,divisionofresponsibilities,andthepersonalrelationship.Youfindyoustillhaveacommonvisionforthebusiness.Withrespecttothefriendship,though,yourpartnerdoesn'tacknowledgesharingyourfeelings."We'renotthesamepeopleweweretenorfifteenyearsago,"hesays."Ourpersonalliveshavegoneinverydifferentdirections."Youdecide,pragmatically,togiveuphopingtoresuscitatethefriendshipoutsideofwork.

Remainingonthetablearealltheissuesaboutwhoisresponsibleforwhat:howbesttopursueyourvisionasownersandasapresidentandachieffinancialofficer.Thedifferencesinyouranalysisofwhatspecificallyhasbeendestructiveinthepast(whoistoblameforwhat)aresoextensivethatmerelyreaffirmingyoursharedgoalandbrainstormingtogetherabouthowtoachieveitdon'tgetyouanywhere.

YourfacilitatorsuggestsPlanB.Afterclearingawayacoupleofmisunderstandings,youfocusuponthecomplementarystrengthsthatledyoutovalueeachother'sbusinesspartnershiporiginally.Hearingyourpartnersaythatthecompanywouldneverhaveenjoyedsuchsuccesshaditnotbeenforyourtalentsandvision(somethingyou'renotsureyoueverheardhimsaybefore)hasasignificanteffectuponyourattitude.Yougivehimcreditforanumberofspecificthingsthathehasdoneexcellently.Theproblemisthatnumerousminoraggravations,whichhedismissesasunimportant,havebuiltahugereservoirofresentmentonyourpartandledhimtofeelthatyoudon'ttrusthim.

Thequestionbecomes,then,whatneedstochange?Anhouranda

halfintoyourfirstconflict-resolutionmeeting,youreachPlanC.Thatturnsouttobeasfarasyouneedgo.Althoughyoumeetwithyourconsultanthalfadozentimesoverthenextyear,theagendaisessentiallythesame:toreviewthecommitmentseachofyoumade,assessyourchanges,andgo

backthroughPlansAandBwithrespecttocurrentissuesandthestatusofoldissues.

TheheartofthissuccessfulresolutionwasPlanB,restoringthevalueofyourdifferentstylesandtalents.PlanAestablishedthereasonfordoingso.PlanCspelledoutthespecificbehavioryouaskedofoneanotherandthespecificchangesyouagreedto.Wastherenosustainedconflictcyclethatcouldhavebeenanalyzedinsightfully?Therealmostcertainlywas,andgettingintoPlanDmightbeastimulatingexerciseinunderstandinginterpersonaldynamics.Butyoudon'tneedtodosoaslongasyouandyourpartnerarereallyendingyourfeud.PlanBdoesthetrick.

UncomplementaryTeammates

Supposeyouaredirectorofhumanresourcesandtrainingforamedium-sizeadvertisingagencywhosecreativetalentlookcontemptuouslyattheaccountexecutives,treatingtheirinputasstupidmeddling.Theaccountexecutivesandstaffretaliatebycriticizingthecreativeworkandfailingtoshowenthusiasmforitinthepresenceofclients.Accusationsofsexualdiscriminationonlyexacerbatethelackofteamwork.Yourboss,theagency'spresident,doesn'tseehowshehascontributedtotheproblem.

Youdesignaseriesofretreatstogainthewholeagency'sinvolvementinattitudechangeandbetterteamwork.Thefirstmeetingistoincludethepresident,headsofcreativeandaccountservices,andthetwelvegroupdirectors.(Allofthefirm'saccountsandtheemployeeswhoservethemdirectlyareassignedtogroups.Later,youplantohold''grass-roots"retreatsforonetothreegroups,aboutfifteenpeople,atatime;butonlyafterthegroupcreativedirectorsandgroupaccountdirectorsandmostimportantly,thepresidentbuyintotheproject.)

Toprepareforthefirstretreat,youintervieweachparticipantindividually.Partlyyourgoalsaretolearninadvancewhataxestheyaregrindingandtobesureyouragendaandformatwillmeettheir

goals.Equallyimportant,youwalkeach

groupdirectorthroughastructuredquestionnaire,whichtheyaretouseinmeetingwiththeirgroupspriortoyourretreat.Thesequestionswillincreasethepossibilitythatgroupdirectors'viewsreflectthoseoftheirteams.

Yourinterviewsmakeitclearthateveryoneatleastclaimsthesamegoal:"todooutstanding,memorablecreativeworkthatexceedsclients'objectivesandmakesaprofitforouragency."Therefore,youdecidethere'snoneedtodwellonPlanAattheoutset.

Asintheforegoingexample,PlanBistheheartofthiscase:valuingthedifferentperspectivesoftheaccountexecutivesversusthecreatives.Butgivinglipservicetothewaystheyshouldcomplementoneanotheristrivial.Thechallengeistotrainbothtypestodiscusstheirpoint-of-viewdifferencesastheyariseandwillcontinuetoariseinthefutureintheheatofspecificbattles.

ThusthefirstretreatisvirtuallyallPlanB.Youdon'tconcernyourselfwithcommittingindividualstochangetheirbehavior.Nordoyouattackdirectly,atthisstage,thepresident'sresistance.Theonlybehaviorchangeyouwillpushfor,throughouttheday,isactivelistening.Youkeepasking,"Howcanwedoabetterjoboflisteningtooneanother,ofgettingtheinformationweneedfromoneanother,ofgettingourideasandourneedsacrosstooneanother,andtherebytrustingeachothertomeetourclients'needs?"Andyoushowthemhow.

PlanCwillcomelater,withthesesamepeopleaswellasatthelevelofthecreativedirectors,writers,artists,andaccountexecutives.Whenpeoplepersistinfeeling(astheywill)thatoneanother'shabitualbehaviorisanobstacletotheirteamwork,thenyouwillusePlanCtodeflectthefingerpointingandtotargetchangesforeachindividual.

Thefirstmeetingisasuccess.Thepresidentispraisedforauthorizingandconveningit.Twomonthslater,afterfivecomparableretreatsinwhichthecreativeteamsservingaparticulargroupofclientsmeetwiththecorrespondingaccountexecutives,youreconvenewithtopmanagement.SlidingintoPlanC,youdothefingertrapexercise(Figure4-1).Andthetoprowandfirstcolumnarelabeledwiththepresident'sname.

Doesthisleadtoabreakthrough?Probablyonlyapartial

breakthrough.Youare"joining,"bondingwitheachindividual,validatingappropriatepartsofallparties'positions.Andyouareusingthosealliancestopushforchange.Asitbecomesclearerhowmuchthepresidenthascontributedtotheproblemandhowmuchmoreshemustcontributetothesolution,youmeetmorefrequentlywithher,onetoone.Youoffertositinonsomeofhermeetingswiththeheadofcreativeandtheheadofclientservices.

Youwait.TheoccasionforPlanDmaycomewhenyouhaveaccomplishedtwothings:

1.Youhavewonthetopmanagers'trust.Theybelievethatwhatyouaredoingisimportant.

2.Acrisisoccursaseriousconflictarisesandescalates,leadingpeopletogroan,"Herewegoagain"andtheybelievethatyoucanbehelpful.

Untilsuchaneventoccurs,youkeepthesharedpurposesofeveryoneintheorganizationattheforefrontoftheirminds,andyoukeepusingPlansBandCtoimprovetheireffortstowardthoseends.

RelativeintheFamilyBusiness

Youareanoutsideconsultanttotheownerofamanufacturingfirmwhohasfiveadultchildren.Thebusinesscouldeasilyemploythetalentsofallthreewhoareinterested,exceptforthefactthattheoldestsonanddaughterhavenorespectfortheirkidbrother.Heacceptsnoresponsibility,theysay;heholdshimselfaccountabletonoone,bendsDadaroundhislittlefingerandactslikehe'sentitledtothesamerewardsasthey.Kidbrothercomplainsthattheygivehimnoauthority,rejecthisideasoutofhand,andexcludehimfrommeetings.Dadclaimshecould"sellthewholedamnbusiness"withouthesitation;buthisheartisbreaking.

Althoughthecompanyisyourclient,keepinmindthatyouhaveat

leastthreeotherindividualswithwhomyouneedalliances,inadditiontothosewhoworkthere:theowner'swifeandtheirothertwooffspring.Don'tneglecthisdaughters-and

sons-in-law,either,allofwhomhaveasignificantstakein(andstrongopinionsabout)thecompany'sfutureownership,andsomeofwhommaybecentralfiguresintheconflict.

However,afteraninitialmeetingwiththethreewhoworkinthebusiness,youdecidetoholdaseriesoftwo-tothree-hourmeetingsinyourownofficewithjustthemandtheirfather.Priortothefirstofthosemeetings,youinterviewtheirmotherandthespousesofthosewhoaremarried,butbymutualagreement,theywon'tbeinthefirstseriesofmeetings.Youtermthesemeetings"familymanagementsessions."Afull"familyretreat,"whichwillalsoincludetheothertwosiblingsandspouses,isplannedforlater.

Inthefirstsession,PlanAseemstogowell,witheveryoneapparentlyinagreementabouttheirgoalsforthebusinessaswellasfortheirfamilyrelationships.Fromyourprivateinterviews,youknowthattheplayersinthisdramahavemanyconflictingindividualgoals.Surprisingly,though,youfindthemreluctanttoexpressopenlytheirfundamentallydifferentobjectives,bitterresentments,anddistrust.Soyouraisetheissuestheyavoid.Whenyoudoso,PlanBgetsnowhere.Everyoneisrigidlydefensiveandaccusatory.InPlanC,theyarefullofdemandsforoneanothertochange;eachindividual,includingDad,hasairtightexcusesnottochange.

Youbegintoaskaboutpatternsofconflict.AsaninvestigatorinthestyleofPeterFalk'stelevisiondetectiveColumbo,youasknonaccusatoryquestionsaboutwhattypicallyleadstowhat.Whatmighthappenifthekidbrotherwereperformingbetter?Whatiftheydidtreathimasanequal?Whatiftheydidn'thavethatissuetofightabout?

Inthecourseofcontinueddiscussionofspecificcomplaintsandconfrontationsoverseveralmoresessions,thislineofquestioning(PlanD)givesyouinsightabouttheconflict,whichyousharewith

themembers.Youseeasofteningoftheolderbrother'sandsister'spositions,buttheirfather'simpatienceincreases.WhenyoureturntoPlanC,hedoesn'tacknowledgeaneedorwillingnesstochangehismanagementstyleorhiswayofrelatingtoanyofthem.Worse,theyoungestsonmakesalltherightverbalcommitmentsbutdoesn'texecute

them:Hecontinuestoarrivelate,leaveearly,takeemployeesoutforlonglunches,ignoredeadlines.Hecontinuestomismanagehispersonalfinancesandtousehiscompanycreditcardasaslushfund.

Beforethefamilyretreat,youmeetseparatelywiththeparentsandencouragethemtostopenablingtheirson'sfailures.Youalsosupporttheoldersiblings'independent,unilateralactionstoprotectthebusiness.Youtrytogaintheircommitmenttoceaseblamingeachotherwhilemaintainingtheproblem.Althoughnotunsympathetictothekidbrother,youencouragehimtothinkseriouslyaboutotherpossiblecareers.AlltheseareeffortstosellPlanE,unilateralchange,towhoeverwillbuyit.

Eventually,theyoungestbrotherwillleavethebusiness,perhapstoreturnafterhehasmaturedoutsidetheprotectiveumbrellaofhisfamily.Meanwhile,youhaveestablishedalong-termadvisoryrelationshipwiththewholefamily,whichwillculminatefivetotenyearslaterinasuccessfultransitiontonextgenerationownership.

Excessive,UnproductiveCompetitionBetweenDivisions

YouareCEOofafairlylargecorporationconsistingoftwodivisions.AlphaDivisionmanufacturesabuildingproduct;BetaDivisionwholesalesandretailsthroughoutNorthAmericaseverallinesofbuildingmaterial,includingthatofAlphaDivision,ofwhichitisthelargestcustomer.Youwouldn'tmindafriendlyrivalrybetweenthetwodivisions,competingtoexceedtheirtargetsanddazzletheshareholders,butforsomereasontheytreateachotherlikeenemies.Theheadsofthetwodivisionsopenlydislikeoneanother,tradingaccusationsaboutmattersassignificantasfraudulentaccountingpracticesandastrivialastheallocationofparkingspaces.AlphaDivision'spresidentseemstobeabletocontrolhisviolenttemperjustenoughtoaimitselectivelyinthedirectionofBetaDivision'smanagers.Thetwopresidentsoughttobecollaboratingonanumberoffronts,becausetheirdivisionsaren'treallydivisible.Infact,insomelocationsmanyofyouremployeessplittheirtimebetweenthetwo

divisionsduringatleast

partoftheyear.Thatinvariablyprovokesdisputesovercostallocations,reportingrelationships,andresponsibilities.Moraleinbothdivisionsisinthesubbasement.

Youcallbothpresidentsinandannouncethatyouhavealreadymadeanonnegotiabledecision.Itisboththeirresponsibilitiesandatopprioritytoensurethattheirdivisionscollaboratepositivelywithoneanother.Youwilltoleratenoexcusesfortheirfailuretoturnthesituationaround,leastofallexcusesthatblameoneanother.Whatyouhavedone,effectively,istocombinePlanAwithPlanE:Youhaveunilaterallydecreedtheirsharedgoal.

Atthesametime,youtellthemthatyoutakefullresponsibilityforhavingcontributedtotheprobleminthepast,partlybyallowingittodeterioratebutprobablyalsoinmoredirectways,whichyouwanttoexplore,andthatyouwanttoknowwhattheyneedyoutododifferently.YouareanticipatingPlanC,atleasttosetthestageforacommitmenttochangeandtoprovideamodelofaskingwhateachpresidentcanchange.Youmayevenspendsometimeontheirpreliminaryideasaboutchanges.However,youwillreturntoPlanCinearnestafterPlanB.

PlanBwillinvolveothersinthecompany,aswellasthethreeofyou.Youmayormaynotattendalloftheirmeetingsonthetwodivisions'differentobjectives,incentives,andperspectives.Theymaywantsomeoneelsetofacilitatethosemeetings,ortheymaywanttocochairthem.Allthisisopentodiscussion;infact,theprojectofanalyzingandmakingjointrecommendationsaboutthosedifferenceswillitselfbethefirstexampleofthenewspiritofcooperationyouaredemanding.

Letusenvisiontwoalternative,equallylikelyscenariosoverthenextsixtotwelvemonths.Inone,thepresidentofeitherAlphaorBetaDivisionresigns.Isthatgood?Yes,becausechancesare,it'sthebetter

personwhowillstay.Thepreviousstateofaffairswouldhaveledthebetterpersontoleave.Youhavecreatedpressureforcollaborationratherthandestructiveness;thefirsttoleaveundertheseconditionsisprobablytheoneyouarewellridof.

Butthereisanotherscenario,justasfrequentinmyexperience.

Theproblemdiminishes,graduallybutsignificantly.Theforegoingstepswillnotbesufficienttobringthatabout.You'llneedtousePlanDwhenthechangesmadesofarproveinadequateorwhenthemanagersbackslideintohabitualbattles:Lookforthecommonpatterninthosebattles,andthenusetheinformationgainedfromallsuchdiscussions(PlansBandD)topinpointfurtherspecificchanges(downtothedetailsofhowtheaccountantsallocateindividualemployees'wages,insurance,workerscompensation,etc.,tothetwodivisions).

Noticethatdespiteallthepressureyouputonyoursubordinatestocorrecttheproblem,inthefinalanalysisPlanEwillplayabigroleinthesolution.Thebuckstopswithyou.

IsolatedExplosion

Yourcompanypresidentcallsyouintoresolve"somesortofhenfight"betweenhis26-year-oldsecretaryandthe58-year-oldsecretarytothechairman.Thetwowomen'sdesksarewithinspittingdistance,buttheyhaveworkedwelltogetherforthreeyears,coveringeachother'stelephonesanddaysoff.Botharevaluedemployees.Youfindtheyoungerwomanintears,hurtbyhermentor'sfar-fetchedaccusationsaboutaconspiracytomakeherlookbadbydeprogramminghervoicemailandsabotagingcomputerfiles.Otheremployeesreportthattheseniorsecretaryhadbeenscreamingprofanityatherjuniorlanguagetheywouldn'thavethoughtwasinhervocabulary.Theyfeelsuretheremusthavebeensomeprovocation.

Youmaygetthiscallbecauseyouarethecompany'spersonneldirector,anotherkeyexecutiveknownforyoursensitivityandpeopleskills,orperhapsthecompany'sattorney.Inanycase,beforesittingdownwiththetwoemployees,youinterviewthemseparatelytotrytolearnwhathappened.Thepossibilityexiststhattheoutburstwasamanifestationofsomechronicprobleminvolvingtheirbosses(thepresident'sunsympathetic,sexistremarkaboutthe"henfight"could

beaclue),butasyoucomparewhattheysay,yourealizethatyouaredeepinthe"individualissues"sectionofPlanB.

Theyoungerwoman,thoughupsetandembarrassed,

givesaconsistentandplausibleaccountofwhatsheexperienced,andherhurtfeelingsseementirelyappropriatetothecircumstances.Furthermore,sheisconcernedabouttheotherwoman.Sheacknowledgesthepossibilitythatshemayactuallyhaveoffendedher.Shewelcomesyourhelpindoingwhatevershecantomakeamends.

Theotherwomanseems,inlaymen'sterms,crazy.Sheisabsolutelyconvincedthatsheisthevictimofaconspiracy,tellsyouthatsheknowsyouarebiasedinfavoroftheyoungerwoman,expectstobefired,andhasalreadyputinacalltoherlawyer.

Youareneitheradetectivenorapsychiatrist,butthisemployeeseemstohaveamentalhealthproblemofunknownorigin.(Itcouldbeanythingfromabraintumor,toasideeffectofmedication,toemotionalstressathome.)Becauseshehasnohistoryofparanoia,thechancesarequitegoodthatshewillrespondwelltoprofessionaltreatment.However,shehastobeforcedtoseekoraccepttreatment,andanypressureinthatdirection,unfortunately,willintensifyhersymptom.

Youadvisethecompany'schairmanpersonallytotellhissecretarythatsheisavaluedemployeebutthatsomethinghashappenedtoherwhichmakeshertemporarilyunabletoperformherjob.Hecanholdthejobopenforheracoupleofweeksincase,withherdoctor'shelp,shegetstotherootoftheproblemquickly.Ifsheisunabletoreturntoworkinthenearfuture,everyeffortwillbemadetofindaplaceforherinthecompanyatsomefuturedate.Alternatively,shecanacceptaseverancepackagemoregenerousthanasecretarywouldnormallyreceive.

Iincludethiscaseasareminderthatnoteveryconflictresolvesashappilyaswemightlike.Infact,thisemployeethreatenstosuethecompany.However,theattorneysheretains,afriendofherbrother,learnsfromthecompany'scounselwhatoccurred,howallstepshave

beendocumented,andhowwellsheisbeingtreated.He,too,becomesconvincedsomethingiswrongwithhisclientandsuggeststoherfamilythatshebeassessedpsychiatrically.Somemonthslater,sheacceptstheseveranceoffer.

CultureChange?

Eachexampleisanactualonefromamongmyclients.Ineachcase,Itriedtodomorethanhelpresolvethespecificissueofthemoment.AsexplainedinChapter7,Ialwayslookforopportunitiestoleveragethespecificdisputeresolutionintoanopenlyproclaimedculturechangewithvisible,sustainableeffectsonthecompany'sproductivity.Inhowmanyofthesecasesdidthathappen?Intwocasesthatkindofculturechangedefinitelyoccurred(theadvertisingagencyandthecompanywithcompetingdivisions).Inathirdcase,thedisaffectedpartnershavemovedsofarinthedirectionofbetterteamworkthattheircultureasawholeischangingslowly,asaresult.Intheothertwocases,therewasnoevidenceofanyorganizationalimprovementbeyondthebenefitsofhavingresolvedtheproblemathand.

Butthatitselfisnosmallachievement.

Appendix:ActiveListeningWhetheroneisamanagerorsupervisee,teacherorlearner,salespersonorcustomer,parentorchild,friend,orspouse,thegoalsofactivelisteningarethesame:

[]

Tounderstandclearlywhatotherpeoplearesaying,includingthemotivesandfeelingsbehindtheirwords

[]Tomakethemfeeltheyhavebeenfullyheardandclearlyunderstood

[]Tomakethemfeelthatwhetheryouagreewiththemornot,yourespecttheirpointofview

[]Toincreasethelikelihoodthattheywillfollowthesesamegoalswithyou,inreturn

Inthecourseofdailylife,goodcommunicatorsuseactivelisteningskillsinformallyandunobtrusively.Thebestwaytolearnthem,however,isinastrict,formalroutine.Later,youwillonlyresorttothatformal(andslightlyartificial)routineincircumstancesofgreatstressorvolatility.Butwhentrainingyourselfortrainingothers,enforcetherulesofactivelisteningstrictly.

Normallyyou'llonlythinkofintroducingthoseruleswhenaheartedargumentgetsoutofhandbecauseofthelackofactivelistening.Forexample,HankandRussarebusinesspartners,cofoundersofatransportationcompanywithseventy-fiveemployeesinsixdifferentoffices:

DialogueI

Hank:WhenIgotthecallfromRayinMilwaukee,Iknewbeforehetoldmewhyhewascalling.Isaidtomyself,''Russhasdoneitagain!"Iknewhewasgoingtotellmeyoutriedtoconvincehimhedidn'tneedthecomputer.

Russ:Ididn'ttrytoconvincehimofanything.

Hank:Likehellyoudidn't.Youcalledhimup.Ididn'taskyoutocallhim.Isaid,"Rayneedsoneofthenewcomputers.Addonetotheorderandhaveitshippeddirectlytohim."Period.Endofdiscussion.

Russ:Thatwasnodiscussion,thatwasavoicemailmessage.Icannevergetyoutodiscussanything,soIsimplycalledRayforclarification.

Hank:No,youcalledRayforconfusion.DoesRayreporttoyou?

Russ:Whatdifferencedoesitmakewhohe

Hank[louder]:DoesRayreporttoyou?

Russ[equallylouder]:Whatdifferencedoesitmakewhohereportsto?I'minchargeofpurchasing,and

Hank:Sopurchase!Ididn'ttellyoutofindoutifhereallyneededacomputer,andIcertainlydidn'ttellyoutotrytoconvincehimhecouldgetalongwithoutitafterItoldhimotherwise.

Russ[sarcastically]:Whydon'tIpurchasesixtycomputers?Wehaveseventy-fiveemployeesandonlyfifteencomputers.Whydon'tweget

Hank:Good.Nowwe'regettingtotherealissue.Inotherwords,youhearmementionthewordbuyanditscaresthepantsoffyou.RightawayyoursirensgooffandI'mbankruptingthecompany.

Russ:Whydoyoutakeeverythingsopersonally?Ididn'tsayyouwerebankruptingthecompany.You'vetriedafewtimes,butyouhaven'tsucceededyet.It'smyjobto

Hank[yellingatthetopofhisvoice,turningred]:Listen,youso-and-so,I

havegrownthiscompanyby40percentormoreeveryyearofthesixyearswehavebeeninbusiness,andIhavehadtofightyouforeverypenciltotakeanorderwith.

Russ[calmly]:Youknowwhat,Hank?

Hank[onaroll]:Icouldn'tgetadecentchairforavisitortositoninmyoffice;youtriedtobringinoneoutofyourgreat-grandmother'sgarage

Russ[louder]:Youknowwhat,Hank?I'vehadit.I'mthroughwiththis.Thispartnershipisover.IfIhavetogoon,timeandagain,defendingmyselfforintroducingrealityintoyourfantasyworld

Wewon'tattemptheretodiscussthemeritsofHank'sandRuss'scomplaintsaboutoneanother,becausetheyaren'tgivingthemeritsoftheirargumentsachance.Thefactthattheyaren'tlisteningtooneanothereliminatesanypossibilityofescapingtheviciouscircleoftheirmutuallydistrustfulrelationship.Itisn'thardtoseewheretheygowrong:

[]

Byinterruptingeachother,neitherpersonevergetsthesatisfactionofbeingheard.

[]Bylosingtrackofwhohasthefloor,theyaren'tevenawareofwhointerruptedwhom.[]Byjumpinginwithrebuttalsandaccusations,theyguaranteethatthetemperaturewillriseuntiltheconfrontationendseitherinviolenceorthethreattodissolvethepartnership.

Activelisteningpreventsallthat.Itdoesnotguaranteethatthepartnerswilldecidetostayinbusinesstogether.Infact,itdoesn'tpreventthemfrommaintainingthesamecycleofsustainedconflict(thesubjectofChapter5),butitisthenecessaryfirststepiftheyareevertobreakoutofthatcycle.Itguaranteesthattheywon'tkeepescalatingtheconflicttothepointwhereitisallheatandnolight.

Therulesforactivelisteningaresimple:

RulesfortheSpeaker

[]

Mustnotyieldtheflooruntil(s)hefeelslistenedto.

[ Shouldnotaskaquestionuntil(s)heispreparedtoswitchroles

] andlistentotheanswer.

RulesforListeners

[]

Mustnotreply,expressanyopinion,orsignaldisagreementwithanyofspeaker'sstatements.

[]

Mustreflectbackwhattheyunderstandtobespeaker'sviews(acknowledgingandverifyingthenegativeordisagreeableviewsaswellasthepositive).[]Mustaskquestionstoclarifyanythingtheydon'tunderstand.

[]Whentheywanttoreply,mustfirstchecktobesuretheyhaveunderstoodcorrectlyandthengetpermissiontobethenewspeaker.

Clearly,thekeytoactivelisteningisforallpartiesintheconversationtoknow,atalltimes,whohasthefloor.Therulesforwhoeverhasthefloor,thespeaker,aredifferentfromtherulesforeveryoneelse,thelisteners.Thelistenersaren'tsilent;infact,theyareactiveinterviewersbutarerestrictedtoaskingquestionsandcheckingtheirownunderstanding.

Alistenerhastorequestpermissiontotakethefloor;thespeakeronlyconsentswhenheissurehehasbeenheard.SothediscussionbetweenHankandRusswouldgosomethinglikethis:

DialogueII

Hank[speaker]:WhenIgotthecallfromRayinMilwaukee,Iknewbeforehetoldmewhyhewascalling.Isaidtomyself,"Russhasdoneitagain!"Iknewhewasgoingtotellmeyoutriedtoconvincehimhedidn'tneedthecomputer.

Russ[listener]:Isthatwhathesaid?

Hank[speaker]:YoucalledhimupandIdidn'taskyoutocallhim.Isaid,"Rayneedsoneofthenewcomputers.Addonetotheorderandhaveitshippeddirectlytohim."Period.Endofdiscussion.

Russ[listener]:SoyourviewisthatyougavemeaninstructionandIfailedto

carryitout.

Hank[speaker]:That'scorrect.

Russ[listener]:Anditreallypissedyouoff.

Hank[speaker]:Yes,asitalwaysdoes.

Russ[listener]:MayIrespondtothat?

Hank[becominglistener,thoughdubious]:Iwouldliketohearyourresponse.

Russ[speaker]:Asamatteroffact,IdoacceptthatwhetherRaygetsacomputerisyourdecision.IfIhadbeensureyouweighedallthefactorsanddecidedweshouldgoaheadandaddonemorecomputertothecurrentpurchaseorder,thensobeit.ButallIgotwasonesentenceonmyvoicemail.Ithenleftamessageforyouandwhenyoudidn'tgetbacktome,Ifiguredyouwouldn'twantmetodonothingatallaboutituntilwhenever,soItookituponmyselftomakesureyouhadaskedRayallthepertinentquestions.

Hank[outoforder]:That'sjustit!You

Russ[speaker]:Justaminute,Ihavethefloor.MyproblemisIcannevergetyoutodiscussanything,soIsimplycalledRayforclarification.

Althoughthespeakermaysaywhateverhewants,theactivelisteningframeworkhasmadeiteasyforRusstouseadditionaltechniquesofconstructivedialogue(seeFigure2-2).ThusheacknowledgesthepartofHank'spositionwithwhichhehasnoquarrel("Idoacceptthat")andhesays"Myproblemis"insteadof"Yourfaultis."

Hank[listener]:NowmayIrespondtothat?

Russ[speaker]:Whatdidyouhearmesaying?

Hank[listener]:ThatyoucalledRayforclarification.

Russ[speaker]:Because?

Hank[listener]:Becauseyouweren'tsureIhadgrilledRaycloselyenoughonhisrationaleforneedinganothercomputer.

Russ[speaker]:Exactly.Ifeltyouhadidentifiedaneedbutyouweredelegatingthepurchasingtomeappropriately.Andthefirststepinpurchasingistoexplorethepossibilityofmakingdowithwhatwehave.

Hank[listener]:Soinyourmindyouweren'tquestioningmydecision;youweremerelyimplementingitinyourownfashion.

Russ[speaker]:Ifyouwanttoputitthatway.

Hank[becomingthespeaker]:Now,myturn?Ididn'ttellyoutofindoutifhereallyneededacomputer,andIcertainlydidn'ttellyoutotrytoconvincehimhecouldgetalongwithoutitafterItoldhimotherwise.

Russ[listener]:IsthatwhatyouthinkIdid?

Hank[speaker]:ThatisexactlywhatIthinkyoudid.Didn'tyou?

NowRussmayresumethefloor,becauseHankhasjustaskedaquestion.

Russ[speaker]:No,Idon'tbelieveIdid.Maybeheinterpretedmyquestionsastryingtotalkhimoutofhisposition,butthat'snotwhatIintended.

Hank[listener]:What,praytell,didyouintend?

Russ[speaker]:Onlytobesurethatthequestionshadbeenaskedandansweredtomysatisfaction.IfI'dhadachancetotalkwithyoudirectlyinsteadoftradingvoicemailmessages,IwouldhaveaskedyouifyouhadalreadyhadthatdiscussionwithRay.Lackingthatopportunity(forwhichIblameyou,frankly),IdidthebestIcould.

Hank[listener]:Look,Russ,isthattherealissue:thatwedon'tdiscusseverylittledecisionindetail?Orisitthatyouhearmementionthewordbuyanditscaresthepantsoffyou?RightawayyoursirensgooffandI'mbankruptingthecompany.

Russ[treatingHank'sout-of-orderassertionasaquestion,thusretainingthefloor]:Ididn'tsayyouwerebankruptingthecompany.You'vecomecloseafewtimes,butwe'restillsolvent.It'smyjobto

Inshort,thesametwofrustratedindividualscandiscussthesamedifficultissuewithoutgettingoutofcontrol.

Thebestthingaboutactivelisteningisthatyoudon'thavetogettheotherperson'sagreementtoengageinit.Itonlytakesonepersontoinsistonactivelistening.Youtakeresponsibilityforshowingothersthatyouhaveheardthembeforeyourespond,andyoualsotakeresponsibilityforrefusingtogivethemthe

flooruntiltheydemonstratethattheyhaveheardyou.Iftheydon'tlikethat,youwon'tdiscussthematterwiththem.

TheGoldenRuleofActiveListeningListenuntoothersasyouwouldhavethemlistenuntoyou;butiftheydon'tlistenwhenit'syourturn,don'ttalkwiththem.ThereasonDialogueIIworkedbetterthanDialogueIisthatRusscarefullylaidthegroundworkforhisownchancetobelistenedtobymakingsureHankfeltthathisangerwasfullyheardbeforeRussattemptedtoreply.Thisiseasytodoifyoukeepremindingyourselfthatalistenermayonlyaskclarifyingquestions,suchas:

Isthatwhathesaid?

Soyourviewis

Doesitfeelunfairbecause

Areyousayingthat

IfIunderstandyou

Tomusesthetechniqueinthisexample:

Tom:WhydoyouseemsohostilewheneverIopenmymouthinMondaymeetings?

Gina:IseemsohostilebecauseIdon'tlikeyou.

Tom[activelylistening]:Whatdon'tyoulikeaboutme?

Gina[speaker]:Itisnotyouasaperson.ImeanI'msureyouhavemanyfinequalities,butIdon'tgetachancetofindoutwhattheyarebecauseIamsooffendedbyyourattitude.ParticularlyIdon'tlikeyourattitudeaboutwomen.Younevermissanopportunitytomakesomekindofdig.

Tom[listener]:Couldyougivemeanexample?

Gina[speaker]:Anexample?Sure,letmesee.Thismorning,Fredstartedtowriteonthechart,andthebluemarkerwasoutofink.Yousaid,"Oh,Marilyn'sfallingdownonthejob."

Tom[listener]:Umhm.

Gina[speaker]:Likeit'sMarilyn'sjobtocheckthemarkersbeforethemeeting.Marilyn'snotasecretary,butthat'snoteventhepoint.Thetruthis,youwouldn'thavesaidittoasecretary.You'rethreatenedbythewomenonthisteambecausewearen'tsecretaries;andyou'reprobablynotawareofit,butyoufeelcompelledtoputusinourplaces.Youhaveaproblem,Tom.

Tom[listener]:WasMarilynoffended?

Gina[speaker]:YouaskedmewhyIseemhostile,soI'mtellingyouthatIamoffendedeverytimeyousaystufflikethat,nomatterwhoit'sdirectedat.

Tom[afterapause]:Well,asIhearyou,you'resayingItreat

Wedon'tknowwhetherTom'sactivelisteningwillleadtohisconsciousness-raisingandtoacommitmenttobemoreawareofhowhis"jokes"insultpeople.ButheisdoingeverythinghecantomakeGinaperceivehimassincerelyinterested.

Asanactivelistener,youmightcatchyourselfatfirstaskingpseudoquestionsthatreallyexpressanopinionorimplydisbelief.HankdidthisattheendofDialogueIIabove,whenheslippedanassertionaboutRuss'sparanoiaintoa"question"beginning"Orisitthat."Youcanusuallyspotapseudoquestionfromtheopeningwords:

Pseudoquestions

Canyoureallysitthereandtellme

Don'tyourealizethat'snotthereason

Haven'tItoldyouathousandtimesthat

SuchmistakeswilllandyoubackinthekindofshoutingmatchillustratedinDialogueIabove.Whenpseudoquestionscomeatyouwhileyouarethespeaker,allyouneedtodoinsteadofdefendingagainsta"listener's"assertionistosay,"Waitaminute;Ihavethefloor."

Whatdoyoudowhenyouhavethefloorbuttheotherpersonseemsunabletolistentoyouwithouthostility?Pauseforamomentandreflect.Areyoubeingaggressive(attacking)insteadofassertive(expressingyourownfeelings)?Tryagain.

Youcan'tlearnactivelisteningskillsjustbyreadingaboutthem.Youlearnbytryingthem.Thebestwayistohaveathirdpartyobserveyourconversation.Havethemstopanylistenerwhointerrupts,failstoaskquestions,orexpressesorimpliesaresponseoutofturn.Beforeresponding,alistenermustcheckwhetherthespeakerfeelsunderstoodandisreadytoyieldthefloor.Thepurposeofsuchexercises,ofcourse,istocreatenewnormsthatwillguidethegroup'sbehavioratothertimeswhentheintervenerisn'tpresent.

Index

A

actionplans,necessityof,12

activelistening,147-155

andbalancedjoining,39-42

coachingfor,36-39

withcustomers,35

andfocusonsharedgoals,23

goalsof,147

"goldenrule"of,153

and"havingthefloor,"150,155

listeners,rulesfor,35-36,149-150

pitfallsavoidedby,149

andPOVdifferences,59

pseudoquestions,avoidanceof,154

speaker,rulesfor,35,149

withstrangers,34-35

unilateral,152-153

addictivedisorders,66-67

advertisingindustry,3

agedifferences,58

A-I-Rchart,37f.

anger,28-29

Asch(psychologyresearcher),78

B

balancedjoining,39-42

blaming,mutual,79-80

boundarylessorganization,124-126

boundarymanagement,126,129

C

change

fearof,68-69

gainingcommitmentto,11

individual,76-79

unilateral,12,78-79

seealsocommitmenttochange,gaining;unilateralchange

coaching,foractivelistening,36-39

"collaboratingtoavoid"conflict,93-102

excuses,caseexamplesofusing,97-102

familybusiness,caseexampleof,94,96-97

commitmenttochange,gaining(PlanC),11,75-88

andaccentuationofpositive,85-86

flowchartfor,82f.

follow-upto,86-88

andindividualvs.organizationalchange,76-79

"joiningtheresistance"techniquefor,83-85

"springingthefingertrap"techniquefor,79-83

commongoals,seesharedgoals,focuson

communicationstyles,50-54

compatiblegoals,26

conflictinggoals,26

Conflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS),9-18,22-33,119-130

accentuationofpositivein,86

acknowledgmentofemotionsby,27-31

caseapplicationsof,135-145

extending,129

flowchartsfor,13f.,107f.

Conflict-ResolvingSystem(CRS),(continued)

flowof,12-16

goalsof,119-120

integrationof,intoorganizationalculture,16-18,33,128-130,145

logicalsequenceof,133-134

publicizing,129

rejectionofdestructive,catastrophic,andwastefuldisputesby,31-33

andteambuilding,121-128

seealsocommitmenttochange,gaining;differences,analysisof;recurringcycle,analysisof;sharedgoals,focuson;unilateralchange

conflict(s)

andboundarymanagement,126

conditionsforresolvable,6-7

costsofunresolved,4-6

destructive,catastrophic,andwasteful,31-33

andfocusonsharedgoals,21-22

andgooddisputes,22

inevitabilityof,1

internal(intrapsychic),9

managementof,4,18-19

asopportunities,2-3

overmoneyandresources,7

productivevs.destructive,3

responsibilityforresolutionof,19-20

andteambuilding,18-19

teamworkasapproachto,1-2

unresolvable,5-6

within-group,vs.betweenunrelatedparties,7-8,134

seealsoindividualissues,conflictand;recurringcycleofconflict,analysisof

conflict-transcendentorganizations,121

confluence,9

conformity,78

"coolingoff,"31-33

costsofunresolvedconflict,4-6

counter-leaning,63-66

coworkers,relationshipswith,33

CRS,seeConflict-ResolvingSystem

culturaldifferences,56-57

culture,organizational,seeorganizationalculture

customers

activelisteningwith,35

relationshipswith,33-34

"cuttingyourlosses,"15

cycleofconflict,recurring,seerecurringcycleofconflict,analysisof

D

Dewey,John,125

differences,denialof,59

differences,focuson(PlanB),10-11,26-27,45-73

anddiversity,59-66

flowchartfor,46-47f.

individualdifferences,66-73

insensitivitiesand,48-49

misunderstandingsand,47-48

POVand,49-59

remainingissuesin,73

andsortingofdifferences,46-47

directcostsofunresolvedconflict,4

disputes,seeconflict(s)

diversity,buildingstrengthfrom,54,59-66

positivereframes,useof,60-61

questionsforfocusingon,57

triangling,useof,61-63

un-leaning,useof,63-66

divisions,caseapplicationofCRStounproductiveconflictbetween,

141-143

E

emotions,acknowledgmentof,27-31

anger,28-29

fear,29

guilt,30

hurt,29

jealousy,28

sadnessandloss,29-30

shame,30

employees

costsofimproperplacementof,5

needforbalanceof,inorganization,122-124

relationshipsamong,33

terminationof,72,73

enlightenedself-interest,71

entitlement,feelingsof,67-68

envy,68

excuses,83,97

exercises,useofartificial,19

F

facilitators,roleof,19-20,130

facilitators,strategiesfor

activelistening,36-39

communicationstyles,presentationon,51-54

cycleofrecurringconflict,102-104,106-110

gainingcommitmenttochange,75-76,86-88

goal-settingsessions,24-26

handlingindividualissues,71-73

''sibling"disputes,61-63

fairness,andfeelingsofentitlement,67

familybusiness(es)

caseapplicationofCRStoconflictinvolvingrelativein,139-141

costsofnonperformingemployeesin,5

exampleofcycleofsustainedconflictin,94,96-97

organizingprinciplein,123-124

favoritism,70-71

fear(s)

ofchange,68-69

asemotion,29

identificationofshared,106

"feelers,"52

feelings,men's,56

Fisher,George,onconflict,28

flexibleboundaries,126

flowcharts,19

ConflictResolutionSystem,13f.,15f.

cycleofrecurringconflict,90f.,92f.

differences,identificationof,46-47f.

gainingcommitmenttochange,82f.

sharedgoals,focuson,23f.

follow-up,inanalysisofvaluedifferences,86-88

framing,negativevs.positive,87

G

genderpointofviewdifferences,55-56

generalizations,ismsvs.,70

"givingup,"14

goals

ofactivelistening,36,147

compatible,26

conflicting,26

ofCRS,119-120

prioritizingof,23-26

seealsosharedgoals,focuson

"goldenrule"ofactivelistening,153

gooddisputes,22

groups

conflictswithin,7-9,134

differencesbetween,58-59

andindividualbehavior,76-79

guilt(emotion),30

H

HarvardBusinessReview,124-125

"havingthefloor,"150,155

highperformance,teamworkand,127-128

hurt(emotion),29

I

"imaginers,"52

individualism

asoppositeofteamwork,71

asorganizingprinciple,123

individualissues

facilitator'shandlingof,71-73

individualissues(continued)

andsevendeadlyisms,69-71

typesof,66-69

individuals

issuesinvolving,inconflicts,seeindividualissues

organizationalchangevs.changeby,76-79

teambuildingandhigh-performance,127

seealsounilateralchange

insensitivity(-ies)

identificationof,48-49

ofmen,56

internal(intrapsychic)conflict,9

interpersonalrelationships,withinorganization,33-34

interviewing,mutual,23

isms,sevendeadly,69-71

isolatedexplosion,caseapplicationofCRSto,143-144

J

jealousy,28

joining,39-42

"joiningtheresistance"technique,83-85

L

leadership

andavoidanceofpersonalchallenges,27

inboundarylessorganization,124-126

asfacetofCRS,121

inlearningorganization,125

needforbalanceincorporate,122-124,130

learning,conflictasopportunityfor,2

learningcultures,126

learningcurve,127

learningorganization,125

legalcostsofunresolvedconflict,5

listening,active,seeactivelistening

loss(emotion),29-30

M

management

ofboundaries,126,129

ofconflict,4,18-19

managersofconflictingemployees

andrecurringcycleofconflict,98-102

unilateralchangeby,116-117

MaximumControlmodelofemployeeorganization,122-124

MaximumInternalCompetitionmodelofemployeeorganization,123

MaximumTrustandInternalSupportmodelofemployeeorganization,123-124

men,allegedinsensitivityof,56

mentalhealthproblems,66-67,72,144

MicrosoftCorporation,1-2

misunderstandings,identificationof,47-48

money,disputesover,7

mooddisorders,66-67

Motorola,27-28

mutualblaming,79-80

mutualinterviewing,23

N

negativeframing,87

nonperformance,andcultureofteamwork,128

nonprofitorganization,recurringconflictcyclein(example),104-106,108

norms,organizational,seeorganizationalculture

NT(operatingsystem),2

O

organizationalculture

avoidingdisagreementasnormof,27

andexpressionofemotions,30-31

andindividualchange,76-78

integrationofCRSinto,16-18,33,128-130,145

teamworknormin,34

P

paranoia,68

partners,caseapplicationofCRStodisaffected,135-137

patronizingattitudes,49

peerpressure,78,82

perceptioncostsofunresolvedconflict,4-5

personalgrowth,conflictasopportunityfor,2

personalities,analysisof,10-11

personalitytypes,50-54

Pinsof,William,onsystematicconflictresolution,133-134

PlanA,seesharedgoals,focuson

PlanB,seedifferences,focuson

PlanC,seecommitmenttochange,gaining

PlanD,seerecurringcycleofconflict,analysisof

PlanE,seeunilateralchange

pointofview(POV)differences,10,49-59

andagedifferences,58

andculturaldifferences,56-57

andgroupdifferences,58-59

andmale-femalerelations,55-56

recognitionof,59

roleofactivelisteninginunderstanding,59

andstyledifferences,50-54

positive,accentuationof,85-86

positiveframing,60-61,87

POVdifferences,seepointofviewdifferences

prejudice,48-49,70

processresearch,93

productivity,unresolvedconflictandlost,4

professionalreferrals,72

pseudoquestions,154

publicizingofConflict-ResolvingSystem,129

R

rancor,31,32

recurringcycleofconflict,analysisof(PlanD),11-12,89-110

actualsettings,utilizationof,106-107

andcollaborationbetweenconflictingparties,93-102

datagatheringfor,92-93

facilitator'srolein,102-104,106-110

infamilybusiness(example),94,96-97

flowchartsfor,90f.,92f.

andmediationbymanagerofconflictingemployees(example),98-102

peacemakinginstinctsincycle,useof,108-109

phasesofcycle,90-92

reasonsforcycle,89-90

andreturningtooriginalproblem,109-110

sharedfears,identificationof,106

warningsigns,identificationof,106

andwithin-groupconflicts,9

redefiningtheproblem,42-43

reframing,22,60-61,86,87

risksofunilateralchange,117-118

S

sadness,29-30

scepter,39

selection,conflictasopportunityfor,2

self-esteem,andinadequaciesofothers,97

self-interest,enlightened,71

sensitivity,awarenessand,49

"sensors,"52

sevendeadlyisms,69-71

sexism,70

shame,30

sharedgoals,focuson(PlanA),10,21-26,42-43

andemotions,28

flowchartfor,23f.

andrecognitionofdifferences,26-27

"siblingrivalry,"61-63,73

workplace wars and how to end them: turning personal conflicts into productive teamwork

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