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WTF? 10 Tips to perfect your beer belly WTF? WTF? Make money Save money BIG money MONEY! Learn to turn the contents of your fridge into a culinary masterpiece Dating for cheapskates

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Student Magazine from DurhamCollege

TRANSCRIPT

WTF?

10 Tips to perfect your beer belly

WTF?WTF?Make money Save money

BIG moneyMONEY!

Learn to turn the contents of your fridge into a culinary masterpiece

Dating for cheapskates

- WTF? - 2 -

Welcome readers to WTF? We thought long and hard about an idea that would tweak people’s interest and we thought what’s better than a good laugh? You are about to read articles full of comical delights that will have you laughing from the inside out. I hope that everyone will enjoy this magazine and by reading the articles get an under-standing of the spunky, crazy people that have worked hard for this. I, being the hyper, joyful person that likes to get a laugh, also likes to get down to business, which would explain why I am the editor. I have always liked reading ar-ticles that can make me smile and I think that this magazine has some unique and cre-ative stories that are different but hilarious. Ithinkalotofyouwillbeabletorelatetosomeofthearticlesthatyouwillfindin this magazine, whether you’re looking for a new recipe or looking for a perfect gift for that special someone… with a twist of course! This magazine is a humourous take on issues that affect student’s everyday life. Have some tissues ready to wipe up your tears... From the laughter of course!I hope you all enjoy WTF?

Sarah Manns Managing EditorWTF?

WARNING: magazine may cause Lower back problems, diarrhea, pregnancy, polio, hunger, slight nasal problems, occasional erectile dysfunction, cancer of the toenails, bed sores, ran-dom coyote attacks, swelling of the earlobes and stds. enjoy.

A letter from the Editor

- WTF? - 3 -

WTF?

11. Who Needs Dignity When You’re Hungry?12. From Flab to Abs 13. Liquor Horoscopes 14-15. Get in Touch with Your Outer Buddha 16-17. Improvised Delicious-ness

Table of Contents2. Letter from the editor3. Table of Contents

The School Life4. Tap the Lap5. Surviving the Trip6. Parking Pandemonium 7. Accomplised Doctor Risks Life for Research8-9. a, b, c, d, e, f, g...10. Shake Your Money Maker

Student Health

18. Your Place? Or Mine?19. McDating Tips 20. Dress Like Ryan Regan21. Love is Almost Free22. Caught With Your Pants Down23. The Crew

Student Relationships

- WTF? - 4 -

Durham College and UOIT are big on laptops. Often there’s no way to attend class without one. Despite how expensive they are, though, laptops are limited in their uses – good for the Internet, sure, but what else? How can students really get their money’s worth? Fear not. Laptops are great for a lot more than just checking Facebook. Here are some creative uses for your notebook that will reinvigorate your pas-sion for the machine and make your life that much easier.

Story by: Matt Bird Photos by: Shayna Brown

Ever plopped your beer down on your laptop by accident? Maybe left a nice, brown ring on the lid? Consider your folly a blessing in disguise. Laptops

make excellent shields for the objects in your life that really matter, like a cherished dinner table or your desk at school. And why stop there? Use your laptop for all your food serving needs! Chefs will love its smooth surface when chopping carrots, shred-ding cheese or frying up some bacon on the stove. Even cleaning is a breeze, as the

thin frame of the computer will slide easily into any dishwasher.

Cold winter nights need never be lonely again with your laptop at your side, so stop looking at pornography to

keep toasty and get intimate with your digital friend. The heat given off by the laptop’s motor will warm you like a nice cup

of hot chocolate, simultaneously (and temporarily) erasing any doubts about your inability to attract another human being. Not warm enough? Turn on more programs and overload the mo-tor! You’ll be lulled to sleep by the rattle of your computer’s

innards, as soothing as a lover’s whisper in your ear.

What student hasn’t been caught in the rain at least once and been left scrambling to protect the contents

of their bag? We at WTF? think those contents should learn to fend for themselves. Hoist your laptop up over your head and

let the rain trickle down the sides as neatly as though you were in a tent. The heft of the laptop will also keep it nice and solid against powerful winds, circumventing the traditional sudden flightsacrossparkinglotstocatchconventionalumbrellas.

Coaster :P

Umbrella :o

Cuddle Buddy ^_^

T A P L A PTHE SURVIVING THE TRIP

- WTF? - 5 -

SURVIVING THE TRIP By: Matt Bird

Photo by: Shayna BrownDurham College students prepare for a long, crowded ride home on the bus.

First rule: if you want to live, don’t take the bus. Survival is as simple as that. Unfortunately for many the bus is the only method for getting to school. These poor saps are forced to cram into Durham Transit’s metallic Twinkies and suffer the pains of the deadly commute. I’m one such sap. I jumped on the Taunton at Ajax one rainy October morning in a poor mood from a late night. Unfortunately the Taunton wasn’t prepared to accommodate my mood, jammed as it was with students. The driver, a Jim Belushi look-alike named Mike, wasn’t concerned with the volume. Second rule: take the bus early. The earlier it is, the less students there are. I wedged myself into a vacant seat beside a Blackberry-toting blonde guy. He gave love to none but his cellular. I didn’t mind his apathy, how-ever, because of the third rule: always grab a seat. It doesn’t matter who you’re beside, sit down. Those who haven’t taken a bus don’t know how tir-ing it is to clutch the bars. Though Taunton is a straight road the numerous stops and starts strain the arms. I was happy to forego this problem, though by the time we reached Mary Brown’s Chicken in Whitby the new arrivals weren’t so lucky. I wondered if the nearby cemetery would have some new entrants should the bus suddenly stop. After taking a UOIT bag to the face – rule four, watch out for backpacks – and enduring a bumpy ride down Simcoe I arrived at Durham. My stomach queasy from looking out the window I hopped off. Transit to school necessitates transit from school as well, and by 2 p.m. I was done with the place. I plodded out to the bus, having refused a ride with a friend. Aride.Inacar.Rememberthefirstrule?Iignoremyself, apparently. Benevolent, smooth-driving Mike was gone. In his place sat Lazlo, a somewhat surly driver with opaque sun-glasses and a take-no-crap attitude. I’ve had Lazlo as a driver foryears,andhisspeedyefficiencyisbadwhenyoumuststand. This brings us to two rules: six, stampede the door as soon as it opens to get a seat, and seven, avoid the middle

aisle. Howsoever you manage it, get away from the middle. Holding onto the posts in the middle is like clutching a sign-post in a tornado. I’d not stampeded so I had no seat and was in the middle aisle. A few friends were with me, one of whom wished me “good luck” as she got off after ten minutes. She threw me a sympathetic look, much like those found in war movies when the star is heading off on a dangerous mission. Lazlo continued his frenzied journey, the bus jostling despite Taunton’s straightforward nature. I clung to my pole, hoping for sweet relief, and caught sight of it when a pas-senger jumped off – and nobody chose to occupy her vacant spot. I was elated. I eyed the seat as hungrily as a lion eyes a gazelle. Sadly my path was blocked by a blonde-haired girl intent on chatting with her friends in the adjacent seat, appar-ently oblivious to the empty spot. I wanted the seat. I was practically salivating. But I refused to ask her to move aside. According to my sense of busetiquetteshehadarighttotheseatfirst. Eventually she turned. “Do you want to sit there?” she asked, exasperated. “Nah.” I didn’t take a seat until I had a full two-seat block open to me. Thus,thefinalruleabouttakingthebus:don’tbeCa-nadian when it comes to rapid transit. We’re way too polite.

- WTF? - 6 -

Meet Leigh Palermo.He’safirst-yearGameDevelopment student at Durham. He’s also a driver, and he spurns the school’s bus system for the quicker commute. Unfortunately Leigh, along with every other student who drives, is plagued by a problem: the parking lot. Or, rather, the seven parking lots spread around campus. Yes, only seven. And that number has Leigh irked. “It’s not that bad,” he says as he drives down Harwood in Ajax. His class is at 8:10 – with a test, no less – and it’s 7:57. “I can usuallyfindaspotwhereIwant.NormallyIparkatthebacksothereare always places I can put my car.” It’s his denial that has Leigh running 45 minutes late. The fact that he slept through his alarm is negligible. “I could probably use two clocks,” he says while turning onto the 401. “Then I could put one on either side of my head. And maybe I’d wake up.” The highway is excruciatingly busy. So much so that Leigh barely has a chance to reach in the back, grab his coat and retrieve a smallpackofKellogg’sCornflakesfromthesleeve.“It’snotanevery-day thing,” he says. Leigh is stressed. His next topic of conversation betrays him. “So have you seen Where the Wild Things Are yet?” he asks as he turns off the highway and onto Thickson. A distraction for his troubled mind. He’s really worried about the parking. “Man, that is not a movie for kids,” he says. “Max shows up, he becomes king like in the book, but the monsters have all these very human-like social problems that aren’t resolved by the end of the movie. Max just goes home and that’s it.” “It’s depressing as hell,” he mutters. But we all know what’s depressing Leigh. After a bumpy ride on Conlin Leigh rounds a bank of trees and the heights of UOIT appear, the sun rising slowly between the university and the college. The time has come. Leigh will battle for his life against a parking lot gone mad. He pulls in. Executes a lazy loop around to the security gate. Hishanddipstohispocket,fishingforhispass.There’satremorinhisarm.Thetensionisfinallygettingtohimasheapproachesthegate,watching as it lowers behind another car. Leigh’s window drops. A rush of cold air whooshes in, the smell of evil on it. He fumbles with the card. Drama. Leigh recovers, rights the card and, breathing deep, presses it to the security pad. The moment before the gate responds seems an eternity. But respond it does, and the tension instantly eases. Success! The accursed gate rises.ButcanLeighfindaparkingspot? Another miracle! He does, spotting a single stretch of bare

concrete far at the rear of the lot. The drive is so torturous that Leigh’s only given the option to drive over six or seven other empty spaces in the process. He parks. 8:25. The parking lot delayed him that much. “Let’s do it,” he says. Leigh exits his car. He slings his backpack over one shoul-der and surveys his latest ordeal. For though he’s managed to slot his vehicle into a resting place, he’s still faced the ground between Founders Lot 3 and the school. It’s so far you can barely see the faces of the students near the door. ApproachingthefieldbetweenDurhamCollegeandUOIT, Leigh skirts through the library rather than cut across the dewy grass. The latter would get him to class faster, true, but he wantssomethingbeforethat:milkforhisCornflakes.Hemakesforthe cafe underneath the library’s plush reading room. But does he gethismilk?No.InsteadLeighfindsalockeddoor.Hewhimpers.And what is to blame? The parking, which got Leigh on the cam-pus… uh… Too EARLY for any eateries to be open. Despite his noble lateness Leigh is only 20 minutes late. Is there any justice in this system that gets students to class so quickly? There is. For though Leigh is tortured by growling innards andadesireforcrunchyflakesthatwon’tbefilledforhours,hecanstill console himself with one fact: his parking spot came at the low price of $500. This alone appeases Leigh. “The only problem I have is the price,” he said earlier, when life was not quite so hungry. “Why does a parking spot has to be so expensive?” Well, shoot.

Mornings are... GREEEAAAT...when it comes to parking.

Parking

Even a stylish fedora isn’t a guarantee you’ll get to school on time.

Story and Photo By: Matt Bird

Pandemonium

- WTF? - 7 -

Discovered by: Matt Bird Photos by: Shayna Brown and Liisa Sahamies The homosapien studentien – better known as the ‘student’ – is a fascinating species. Itinerant and curious, they’ve baffled scientists for years with their odd behaviours. We at WTF? endeavoured to learn more about these creatures by sending one of our researchers, Professor Mathius Avian, into the field for a close-range investigation.

- 12:00 p.m. I left the safety of my enclosure to mingle with the students of Durham College. As

soon as I opened the door, however, I was caught in a rush of the creatures whose combined power

forced me to a nearby door. I emerged from the pack dazed but unhurt, taking a few minutes to

rest.

- 12:10 p.m. My vigour restored I left my hiding place behind a newspaper rack. It was then I

noticed my folly: the enclosure was sitting right beside a place of worship! A long queue of anxious

primates stood outside, waiting for a chance to praise their invisible but delicious-smelling god

Tim.

- 12:15 p.m. Continuing my journey I’ve noticed these students tend to travel in packs, either

of a single gender or mixed. The males are loud and raucous while the females regularly discuss an

unknown phenomena know as ‘Twilight’. One male has donned a neon green, hooded cloth and

consequently stands out from the rest. A mating strategy, perhaps?

- 12:22 p.m. I’ve located one of the primary feeding chambers. Males and females alike stuff

their faces with odd, triangular food while grunting to one another. There are more loners here,

all accompanied by strange black or white blocks at which they stare blankly. They seem curiously

indifferent to my presence.

- 12:27 p.m. Emerging from the student’s massive den I’ve discovered it’s raining outside. A

primitive-looking green and silver tube rolls up and dozens of the creatures mill out of it, all dash-

ing for cover. I step away from the door as a male, headed towards the tubes, howls in rage after

dropping a primitive container filled with black liquid. I’m beginning to fear for my life.

- 12:44 p.m. I’ve discovered the student’s playground. A mixture of males and females are en-

gaged in sport, tossing a ball into the air and through a hole. I’m beginning to doubt my earlier

estimates of their intelligence.

- 12:48 p.m. I’ve found the males’ grooming quarters. They strut about with simple white gar-

ments wrapped around their waists. They seem confused by my presence and especially agitated by

my notepad. I decide to flee after a particularly large specimen with a shaved head looks my way,

though he appears to be following me… oh dear.

The professor’s notepad was found days later, covered in indecipherable, panicked scribbles after the last en-try. The page was specked with water, and authorities fear he may have been subjected to the dreaded ‘swirlie’. We all pray for his safety.

Doctor and professor Mathius Avian, poses in pho-tograph the morning of his departure on the expedition.

- WTF? - 8 -

Odd as it may seem to students, the pur-pose of school is to attend class. A tough con-cept, to be sure, but sound enough - and you’d think, given the importance of getting an educa-tion in this tough economy, most pupils would be eager to comply. And they are. Sometimes. Unfortunately attention can’t remain unwavering forever, and when it does waver the student usually looks for something to do. Often enough these distractions are standard, run-of-the-mill affairs like video games, news-papers and MSN. In Durham College, however, nothing stays normal for long. Or that’s how it works ac-cording to many of the professors here. Technology often gets in the way of pay-ing attention in class. And while that can be understandable since machinery plays a big role in classes on campus, some students go a bit far in their pursuit of entertainment. “I had a student answer her phone on the first or second day of classes several years ago,” said Kathleen Stewart, program coordina-tor of Legal Administration. “I was going over the course outline and course requirements and she answered the phone aloud in class. The con-versation went like this: ‘Hello?’ ‘Oh, hi there.’ ‘Oh nothing, just sitting in class.’I almost fell over. I politely invited her to take the conversation outside - most of the other students were dumbfounded.” Sometimes students really are paying at-tention, despite their gadgetry. Just not in the way their professor would prefer. “I once had a student who had not been

paying attention for most of a class I was teaching and seemed totally absorbed typing and watching his computer screen,” said Reid Anderson, a professor of Graphic Design. “At first I wasn’t sure what he was doing as I was lecturing and the other students were taking notes on their computers.” Intrigued by his student’s inattention, Anderson stalked closer. “Thirty minutes had gone by and he hadn’t lifted his head to look up at the screen I was presenting on,” said Anderson. “I slowly walked over to one side of the room so I could see. I then approached his seat from behind and I could see he was on MSN. Sure enough he was telling another student who was not in the class about the lecture. His comments were not very complimentary to say the least.” “I cleared my throat and when he saw I was standing behind him he quickly closed off MSN. He was so embarrassed by the situation that he got up and left the classroom a minute later.” And, to be fair, students get saddled with a lot of work. You can’t blame them if they’d rather do something else like, say, catch a few winks. “I had a student once who I think suf-fered from narcolepsy,” said Stewart. “He would be awake one moment and dead asleep the next. Then he would get angry when he was asked questions about material he couldn’t remember because he was asleep.” Even distance isn’t enough to keep stu-dents from napping during a lesson. “[I was] coaching a student through an assignment on MSN,” said Bertrand. “Long pe-riod of inactivity... ‘Sorry, sir. I fell asleep on

a, b, c, d, e, f, g... Now pay attention to me!

Story by: Matt Bird Photo by: Shayna Brown

- WTF? - 9 -

my keyboard.’” Nor are lessons the only victims of stu-dent oddity and malaise. Tests and exams get hit hard as well. “A student, in which I was invigilating a test, had not been to class in weeks,” said Les-ley Wagner, a professor with the School of Jus-tice and Emergency Services. “He sat for the entire time, without any books - it was an open book - never asked to borrow a book and stayed the entire two hours. He stood up, handed in the test and wrote little to nothing. Needless to say, he self selected out of the program.” Some will do anything to get out of a test - though, unfortunately, even the best laid plans often fall apart. “I had one student take a text from their mother, or so they claim, while writing a test,” said Dawn Salter, who teaches Advertis-ing. “This student claimed their mother needed their driver license number. I asked for the phone and said I would give her

a call to verify.” That proved the fatal blow to the excuse. “The student said not to bother and put his phone away,” said Salter, amused by the at-tempt. We can’t help it. It’s tough to remain attentive through two and three hour-long classes. And most teachers do admit they ad-mire their students’ creativity in coming up with distractions - not to mention the excuses for those distractions. So, professors out there, cut us some slack. We’re not being that disrespectful, right? Right? “I did have two students making out in class while I was trying to teach,” said Peter Hupka of Media, Art and Design. “It was quite obvious where his hands were and [where they were] about to be. I threw my keys at them and told them to get a room.” Right.

A good student takes notes in class.

- WTF? - 10 -

$hake yourmoney mak-money maker

Sell everything! School comes first, right? Therefore everything else in your life is superfluous. Video games, electronics, socks, clothing, furniture, food. Everything has monetary value, and you can use that money to continue attending school. A loin cloth will do well enough for daily garb. And if that’s not good enough you can always sell off your parent’s belongings.

Rent your dorm out! The typical dorm has at least two rooms, and you can prob-ably cram two or three tenants into each one. Charge $200 a month - $300 for anybody who winds up in bed with you – and you’ve got a healthy income.

Try using Monopoly money! Who knows, somebody might take the bait. If not you can take it to a currency exchange and try to convince them it’s a foreign bill.

Turn to thievery! Just look at that bank over there. That big, juicy CIBC. Think of all that money that’s just… sitting there. Why let it go to waste? You’re almost like a liberator!

Gamble! It’s of questionable legality in some cases, but school is more important than moral debates. Participate is as many betting pools as you possibly can and spend lots of time in casinos. And if you lose all your money, well, hey, you don’t need to worry about school anymore, do you?

Life insurance! Your loved ones, well, love you. Therefore they’d do anything to make sure you succeed. You can make a forcible withdrawal on that affection with an act of secret homicide!

And, last of all, sell your body! Don’t think this one needs any more explanation.

If there’s one thing we stress at WTF?, it’s the importance of money to a student. Anybody paying Durham’s tuition fees will agree they don’t exactly go easy on us, and so most students are usually scrambling for a job. Before you get desperate and submit your resume to anyone, however, here are a few tips for making money that may just save your butt while still allowing you time for school work.

$tory by: Matt BirdPhoto by: $hayna Brown

- WTF? - 11 -

Healthy eating isn’t always an option for the mod-ern college student. Ripped away from our well-meaning mothers and fathers, we’re left to feed ourselves - and we don’t always come up with the most balanced food choices as a result. The problem is balance. Students gravitate to what’s easiest and tastiest, and that seldom covers all the food groups. The result is a rolly-polly creature that breaks scales and can barely breathe without life support, its lungs are clogged with cheese. The solution? Sub-stitution. Find alternatives to those vital food groups thatbetterfityourtastesyetstill provide the necessary nutrients. You’d be surprised how inexpensive a balanced diet can be, so long as you’re willing to get creative. Your dairy prod-ucts are easy to come by, and are covered by most items on campus. Cheeseburgers poutine, breadsticks, tea biscuits, cheese crackers… you name it, chances are good there‘s cheese on it. If you’re low on cash you can get plenty by retrieving discarded Pizza Pizza trays from the garbage and licking them clean. Protein is next. Again, burgers service your every need. Burgers get expensive, however, and unlike pizza they leave a minimum of clean-up after-wards for foragers. The ideal substitute for protein comes only once a year, but if you stock up you’ll be good for the other364days.Eggsareoverflowingwithprotein,and though a garden variety egg is expensive its Easter equivalent, the Cadbury egg, is cheap a few weeks after the fact. Buy massive amounts of discounted chocolate eggs and eat one a day. That’s two. Next up, vegetables. Veggies are seldom welcome on a student’s plate, thanks primarily tochildhoodflashbacks.Whatunhealthystudentsdon’t

understand, however, is that the taste of a vegetable can be covered with copious amounts of cheaply bought salad dressing. A full bottle of the stuff on a salad will more than destroy broccoli’s vile sting. We’re hitting the home stretch. Fruit is next, and it’s much easier to deal with than vegetables. Though

buying separate fruits isn’t tough, you can get every fruit imaginable in pack-

ages of candy. It’s a widely known fact that if something tastes like

something else then it auto-matically bestows the same nutritionalbenefitsasthefood on which it’s based. Dairy, protein, vegetables, fruits. Only one left, and that’s your grains. Typically you get plenty of grains from eating bread, and though

that’s a good idea there’s an even better, even cheap-

er one - though it requires a stretch of the imagination.

Consider, for a moment, your average grain. Before they’re

processed grains are grasses, grown inafarmer’sfield.Becausethey’regrown,

they’re plants. And because they’re plants they’re therefore related - one might even say they’re identical to - trees. What are trees used to make? Paper. What does Durham College have a lot of? Paper. All you need do for a quick meal is dive into a recycling bin, pay a visit to the newspaper stands or print off a few blank sheets.Bringalongketchupformorefla-vour.

And guess what? This magazine is made of paper. Take a bite out of this page

once you’re done and you’ll have your daily dose of grains easy.Justbesuretofinishreadingbeforeyouchowdown. Please.

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Who needs dignityStory by: Matt Bird Photo by: Shayna Brown when you’re hungry?

The typical student week includes way too many hours devoted to work to even consider exercise. It’s an impossibility. Not done at all.Or is it?In fact it may be. For though students are probably too busy to go to the gym, they actually exercise relatively often. Here are ten ways you limber up your body without ever knowing it - and if you don’t, you

should start.

I. Lifting your bag. Or trying to, anyway. Apparently most Durham, UOIT and Trent teachers like their pupils with compressed spines and hunched shoulders.

II. Going up stairs. Why are there so many stupid staircases on the two campuses? To make us exercise, naturally! You’ll feel the pounds falling away as you scale the massive cliff that is the path from the first floor to the fourth.

III. Going up stairs with your bag on your back. Well, okay, scratch that. It’s damn near impossible. You’d find splitting an atom with an axe easier.

IV. Running for the bus. Don’t they know how to wait five seconds?!

V. Running to class. Why must they put one class on one side of the campus and then force you to sprint five miles across the parking lot? Oh, right, exercise. Say goodbye to those unsightly donut rolls!

VI. Running for Timmies between classes. Nourishment is all on campus, and there’s no better place to get it than Timmies. And when you’re forced to zip through the halls you’ll lose all the weight you’re likely to gain from their delectable cookies.

VII. Dodging people in the halls. You need to have the flexibility of a ninja to get from point A to point B without being stampeded. Think of it as mobile yoga.

VIII. Dodging people in the halls you don’t like. Did you piss someone off in class? Maybe cheat on them and get found out? Time to hide behind objects! You’d be amazed how much hiding under a stairwell taxes your calves.

IX. Dodging people in the halls you’d normally just ignore. Take those pesky fundraisers, for instance. You want to give money but you don’t have it - and you don’t want to face the inevitable awkward ‘Sorry, don’t have any change’ comment. So you go the long, long, LONG route just to avoid that one tiny spot, and stretch your legs in the process.

X. And, last, running from a collection agency after failing to pay your OSAP. This happens to alumni, true, but they’re stu-dents at heart - after all, they’re still massively in debt, and a lack of money is central to being a student.

- WTF? - 12 -

From FLABto Abs

Story by: Matt Bird Photo by: Shayna Brown

- WTF? - 13 -

Let’s face it, horoscopes are pretty boring. They’re not nearly specific enough, and consequently can apply to just about anything in life. Enough of the fake! We at WTF? Wanted to get more concrete with our list, so here for your consideration is a nice list of character profiles that identify students with something they know better than anything else – alcohol! Drink up!

January students belong to Vodka. Strong and bold, you approach life without holding back – and probably suffer the consequences of that lifestyle as a result. You spend a lot of time around Russians though you don’t remember much of it.

February is the month of Coolers. You don’t dip too deeply into anything and are a light partier. True, you’ll get your homework done in time to go to a shindig, but even if you do go most people won’t take you seriously.

March is the time of Wine. You’re suave and sophisticated, and you shun keggers in favour of gentile society. You’ll probably relegate exams and essays to your butler.

April belongs to students born under the sign of Whiskey. Loud, boisterous and always ready for a scrap, you’ll probably fancy yourself a cowboy and consequently dress ridiculously whenever possible. Karaoke is your friend.

May is the realm of Rum. You swig on the go and generally act like a pirate, raiding your teacher’s office for office supplies, upcoming tests and (of course) more Rum. Your favourite actor is Johnny Depp.

June students emerge head out on the patio with a nice can of Beer in their hands. You like to take it easy, and have one of the biggest bellies your friends have ever seen. You make up for a lack of quality with mass quantity.

July? You’re in the world of Non-Alchoholic Beer. You’re a mere pretender who tries to fit in with the other months, but everybody can tell you’re faking. Give up on the act and be born in another month already.

August students will head south with a nice dollop of Tequila on their breaths. An itinerant partier, you’ll often find yourself left in alleys after long, confusing nights of boozing. On the plus side, however, you can probably speak Spanish, and look good in a sombrero.

September is the month of Champagne. You taste gross.

October belongs to Ale. You’re similar to Beer, but somehow you strike people as richer and fuller. You have a classical feel; everyone regards you as a great storyteller in class, and you can spin a yarn to get out of any trouble. You also have a stomach rivaling a whale.

November students are in Cider country. Since when was Cider alcoholic? Ever? No, never. Conse-quently, your entire life is a lie. Hang your head in shame.

December is the refuge of the Martini. You’re suave like Wine, but you also have a dangerous streak. You’ll leave school to the last minute but still somehow manage to pull off good marks with a mixture of daring and good charm. Oh, and you’re shaken, not stirred.

Liquor HoroscopesDivined by: Matt Bird Photos by: Shayna Brown

- WTF? - 14 -

Ahh, the beer belly. There’s no greater a mark of one’s dedication to the liquored arts than a huge, doughy lump. Everybody jumps to their feet when the beer belly enters the room, because they all know something fantastic is about to happen.Like all good things, however, the beer belly doesn’t appear overnight. It takes lots of hard work and dedication to grow one. And while not everybody has the stamina to pull the beer belly off, here are some tips for those who can keep their eyes on that lumpy, shirt-splitting prize.

BuddhaStory by: Matt Bird Photo by: Shayna Brown

Get in

touch with your outer

Bottoms up!

- WTF? - 15 -

1: Drink. It’s obvious, but you’d be surprised how many beer belly wannabes neglect this step. Have at least one drink with every meal, and consider taking cans of beer with you when-ever you hit the road. (Only if you’re taking the bus, however. You shouldn’t drink beer when you’re driving. That’s bad. Vodka’s a better idea.)

2: Drink lots. Though you should have at least one drink on hand at all times, that’s a mere minimum. Two, three, four or five open beers at one sitting is ideal.

3: Drink beer rather than more potent alcohol. Yes, we told you to drink vodka up there, but that was a joke, silly. This point is serious business. The drunker you are, the less capable you’ll be of ingesting another drink. Beer won’t get you to the fall down point nearly as quickly, and thus you’ll have to drink more of it. Hooray calories!

4: Consider buying a beer hat. You’ll be able to slurp at your leisure – and free up your hands for two more beers. All the better if you can somehow hold beers with your feet as well.

5: Avoid exercise like the plague. You’ve probably worked up a nice, unhealthy midsec-tion; now you need to nurture it. Avoid all unnecessary (and even necessary) exertions. Use eleva-tors rather than stairs, hire professionals to do tiring jobs for you and consider installing a toilet by your bed so you never have to get up.

6: No sex. This will probably be the toughest obstacle to overcome for some, but it’s im-portant. Sex burns calories like there’s no tomorrow. You should probably get used to not having sex anyway, as your belly will eventually cover your genitalia and render the act impossible.

7: Eat supplements. Beer is all well and good, but you need to eat food as well or you’ll probably die. Pretzels, pizza, heavy pastas, hamburgers, hot dogs… all this and more should be entering your gullet on a regular basis.

8: And along those same lines, dodge vegetables at every turn. Celery is your worst enemy as you’ll actually use up energy eating it, ultimately amounting to weight loss. That said, coating vegetables with mounds of cheese is a delicious snack.

9: Create a belly progression chart. Remember that height ruler you had as a kid? The chart is the same idea, though it works horizontally. Map the progress of your stomach as it grows by inches, and consider taking weekly pictures. It’s tough to stay motivated during the first month as your beer belly will remain abysmally flat for a while, and the chart will let you know that, yes, you are indeed growing.

10: Most important of all, never give up. The beer belly is sacred. It’s a mark of your worth as a human being. It lets everyone around you know that you are an awesome party ma-chine. Don’t let fools like close friends, doctors and pastors tell you otherwise, for though you may not live as long as everyone else the years you have left will be amazing.

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Improvised

What you need: 1 package of Kraft Dinner X number of hot dogs (X representative of how hun-gry you are)

Directions: Begin preparing the Kraft Dinner (every student knows how to make Kraft Dinner so further explana-tion on this point is irrelevant). While the water is boiling, set out another pot for the hot dogs and drop them in once it’s hot enough. Chop up the hot dogs once they’re done and spread them across the Kraft Dinner. Serve with a spork.

Ravioli à la canWhat you need: 1 can of ravioli1 can opener1 spoon

Directions: Open the can with the can opener. Insert spoon. Serve.

We students need to eat, but we don’t always have the time - or the resources. What’s to be done?Why, what else than make stuff up? Combine foods! Improvise! Use whatever’s on hand to cre-ate some delicious concoctions. These things taste good on their own, so of course they’d be great thrown together on one dish. Right?

Delicious-nessRecipes submitted by: Matt Bird Photos by: Shayna Brown

Fromage Noodle et Chien Chaud

Makes 1 serving since Kraft Dinner doesn’t have enough in each box for two people anymore.

Makes1servingbecausethere’sjustnotenoughroomtofittwopeople around the can.

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Gourmet Potato Chip SandwichWhat you need: 2 slices of bread 1 small bag of potato chips

Directions: Open the bag of chips and empty them on one slice of bread. Place the second slice on top of the mound andslamitdownwithyourfist.Cleanthetabletopofcrumbs and serve what’s left.

Sinful Salad Dressing SandwichWhat you need: 2 slices of bread 1 bottle of creamy salad dressing

Directions: Separate the bread and slather on as much dressing as you can. A knife is optional in this process, as the dressing will spread naturally. Serve on a plate with a spoon handy for excess dressing.

Perfect Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich

What you need: 2 slices of bread 1 banana 1 jar of peanut butter

Directions: Spread the bread and cover one slice with peanut but-ter. Peel a banana and cut it into small slices. Place the slices on the peanut butter and put the last slice on top. Serve. Alternatively, you can toast the bread, spread the peanut butter on both slices and cut up two bananas for a larger serving.

Makes 1 serving. Substitute any brand of chips, because let’s face it, this sandwich is going to be weird regardless.

Makes 1 serving. And no, those are not marshmallows. Although that would probably taste better than this.

Makes 1 serving, although if straws are available several people can join in the fun.

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Because no one ever said courting has to be expensive...

The MoviesAlways a good idea, but you’re a student. You don’t have the cash to pay for yourself and a date. Do whatever you can to sneak in, bringing lots of pop and candy from home withyou.Usingthefireescapeisagoodmethod, especially if you have an in at the theatre who can prop it open for you. And if you get caught, well, so what? Prison is as original as dates get!

The SwingsAnybody who’s a fan of romance movies will know deep, probing conversations invariably take place around a swing set. Bring out the inner child in your date and save a ton of money in the process, since last we checked the park is free. You’ll get bonus points for

including a jungle gym as well. Playing Video

GamesBreak out Resi-dent Evil 5, Halo 3 or Guitar Hero and you’ve got an instant hit. Your date may not ENJOY video games, but if that’s the case you don’t want to date them anyway. Consider your gaming library a romance litmus test.

Tim HortonsThe ultimate in budget culinary experiences. Tim Hortons offers great meals at an extremely low price,

combining value with a nice home grown atmosphere.

Bring your date in at midnight and you’re guaranteed a quiet, romantic evening.

The Back Seat of a CarGet close and intimate with your loved one in the rear of your favourite auto. Nothing forces conversation better than imposed proximity, and if you’re lucky you might just GET lucky.

SchoolYou have the library for cushy chairs. The pub for a drink or two and possibly a full meal. Candy machines for an after-dinner snack. Com-putersfor(possiblyillegally)watchingafilm,thegym for some ‘physical time’ and even decks of cards at the bookstore for a bit of entertainment. And all for the low, low price of, well, tuition. What’s not to like?

Or mine?Your place? Story by: Matt BirdPhoto by: Shayna Brown

- WTF? - 18 - - WTF? - 19 -

McDating TipsYak Yak Yak

Story and Cartoon by: Matt Bird

So you’re hopeless in a dating situation. Your lips lock up, you quiver, you don’t know what goes where and when and how. Relax. Deep breath. It’s not THAT hard to pull off a successful date, even if you’re a penniless student. You just need to do as Dylan Dates does. (Note:DylanDatesisafictionalcharacter.Thatdoesn’t make him any less amazing.) Dylan starts the evening by picking up his girl, Gloria Golddigger, at her dorm. He’s no shmuck: he knows he needs to go with his own ride. Taking her on the bus is a no-go. His solution? Get his dad to drive! Father does, gladly, proud of little Dylan.He’sonhisfirstdate,andGloriaisat LEAST a C-cup. “Go get ‘er, tiger,” daddy says as he pulls away in his AMC Gremlin, leaving them outside a swanky restaurant. Nothing but the best for Dylan’s main squeeze. They head inside, Dylan manfully taking the lead and barging through the door first.He’salertforassassins,piratesoranyothermalcontents who may do Gloria harm, clearly. Once Dylan’s made sure the coast is clear, giving the gaggle of lithe females in the corner a long, suspicious glance, he waves Gloria forward to the maitre d’. Or he would - if there was a maitre d’. But going to a place with one is clearly preten-tious. No, this night is spent in a suitable student dat-ing locale topped with a pair of golden arches. Taking the initiative, Dylan approaches the counter by pushing aside all others in his path and asserting his dominance. Normally this would earn him a beating, so we’ll assume the line up either doesn’t exist or consists en-tirely of skinny wimps. Dylan successfully orders his meal.

Does he allow Gloria to order? He certainly does. But not via his pocket. No, Dylan respects female equality. And though Gloria seems irked by his choice, internally she’s already contemplating sleeping with Dylan. Clearly. Dylan chooses the nearest table and plops himself down. Before Gloria can seat herself he’s already halfway throughhisfirsthamburger,amonstrouslygreasypatty laced with onions. Manly onions, these,

which Gloria will surely appreciate in their later make out session. Gloria attempts to start a conversation,

but Dylan cuts her off with a glare. This boy needs to eat. No time for female prattling! Gloria’s respect

is growing by the minute. After dusting off two burg-

ers and a large serving of fries Dylan opens a dialogue with his beloved. Knowing full well that girls don’t know how to

talk, Dylan regales Gloria with an epic tale regarding his many accomplish-ments. He’s sure to touch on and exag-gerate all his successes to declare his worthiness as a mate. Gloria grimaces in

response - a sure sign that she pities the chances of all other males in comparing to Dylan.

An hour later Dylan wraps up his story. Hefeelsthefirststirringsoflust,possibly

brought to the surface by his mighty belch in Gloria’s face. She’s overwhelmed by the force and leans back, submitting to his masculine charms and assuming a prone position so he can engage in intercourse. Dylan takes the hint. He moves around the table and leans in close for a kiss, his tongue extended and ready. Gloria repulses him, however, and rolling out of her seat she

escapes with a scream. And we all know what that means, guys. Gloria

probably had an STD. She was saving Dylan from a trip to the doctor. Sorry, Dylan, no nookie tonight! But don’t worry: with those dating skills he’s on the fast track to success. Emulate him and you will be too.

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Though they may deny it, most students dress to impress the opposite sex (or same, as the case may be). This is especially true when on a date, as the other party will be scrutinizing every facet of your appearance.Don’t fret, though – so long as you dress like this dude, you’re sure to succeed.

Suitable in summer, impressive in winter. These shorts are appropri-ately subdued: they don’t have too much flash and cover enough to al-low for modesty while still showing off those powerful calves. Note the stylish stain on the left leg.

Admit it, socks stretched to their fullest potential are hot. And the lack of shoes? Magnificent! We don’t want him to look like a little

girl in knee highs, after all.

This tie is perfect. Vertical stripes would make him too tall; horizon-tal, too fat. Diagonal nicely evens out his body, especially when

combined with that sleeveless t-shirt. The whole package practi-cally screams ‘male stripper’, and what girl doesn’t want a date with

a Chippendale?

Hairy legs are for the mighty man. Don’t even consider shaving, guys,

it’ll demean you on a date.

The fedora speaks for itself.The cast may look functional, but trust us, it’s pure fashion statement. It’s the first thing the eyes will see – and there’s nothing sexier than a man who looks like he may have gotten into a fight the day before and busted his arm

on someone’s face.

Ryan ReganStory by: Matt Bird Photo by: Shayna Brown

Dress Like...

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As with most things in life, relationships are give and take. For every kind-hearted gesture or sexual favour you receive you’re expected to give something back in ex-change. And though acts sometimes work as recompense, all too often a worthy partner needs gifts. And herein lies the problem for students. They don’t have much money. Indeed some students have so little cash that they can barely afford to survive, let alone buy expensive trinkets. What’s to be done? Economize, of course. Sentiment is more important than substance, and so long as yourlovestandsfirmlybehindyour gift anything will do. The key is to make sure the pres-entlieswithinyoursignificantother’s general interests. Thefirststepistospendtime with your partner. Get to know them. Are they a sports fanatic? An amateur chef? Perhaps a hunting fan? Discover their hobbies and take careful note of each. Once you’ve pinpointed their favourite hobby it’s time to start thinking like a student. The average student will do everything in his power to not spend more money than he must, and the same applies to gifts. To this end, your second step is to set a price limit. Ask yourself these questions: “How much do I like this per-son? Is it a $50 love, or a lower $20 adoration? Will I regret spending too much later on when I see something I really want for myself? And how long do I see this relationship lasting, anyway? Is there someone else with a nicer body whom I’d prefer to spend my drunken evenings with?” All important queries, and in general $50 makes a nice ceil-ing regardless of your level of affection. Anything below $50 depends on your monetary situation and level of com-mitmenttoyourpartner;indeedyoumightbejustifiedinspendingsquatonthemshouldyoubebrokeorfindyouhatetheir guts. So you know their interests and you know your

limits.Stepthree:findaplacetoshop.Decidingonspecificsbeforehand is irrelevant as a student, as you a) don’t have time to dream up a particular gift and b) want to go for the cheapestpresentyoucanfind. Withtheirhobbyfirmlyinmind,pickanappropri-ate store – nothing too high class – and head out. Your best choices are dollar stores or donation venues like Goodwill, as both have wide selections and low prices. Wal-Mart is a decent second place, though some of their items are pretty ritzy for a student’s budget. Once in the store, narrow down

your sweetheart’s favourite aisle and stick to it. Thor-oughly scan all the items in said aisle and take note of those with small price tags. This is where a thrift store

is especially handy since you can get great items for rela-

tively cheap and then repackage them, leaving your partner in the

dark as to their used status.Got something appropriate? Good

for you. Now put it down and pick something a little less expensive. This will

proveespeciallydifficultforthoseinafreshrelationship, though long-time daters can easily

ditch a good idea when it means a heavier wallet. You have your present. Take it to the cashier and

haggle. Do whatever you can to bring down the price. ‘Ac-cidentally’ damaging the item will help, as stores don’t like broken merchandise and may sell at a discount. If the store refuses to budge, go pick out something even cheaper. (And consider haggling yet again.) You will eventually leave the store with something in hand. One last step: wrap it up. You needn’t get fancy with this step since gift-wrap is wasteful, so feel free to use old newspapers. It’s best to do this near Valentine’s Day as you can probably pick out a section with lots of romantic hearts and pictures of happy couples accompanying the articles. With any luck the effort you put into your gift will shine through, and your partner will be delighted with their new stick of deodorant or Mats Sundin bobble head. And if they aren’t, hey, no big deal. Being single is cheaper any-way, so you’re facing a win-win situation. Enjoy!

Just lo

ok at those adorable eyes......those adorable used eyes.

Story by: Matt Bird Photo by: Shayna Brown Ryan Regan

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One time I was outside a mall, waiting

for it to open, when I noticed a guy across the street standing

right up against a wall. He had his legs spread and he was

standing tall with his hands near his belt. I could’ve sworn

he was peeing on the wall - but then he started to move, and

I realized he was just reading the sign in front of him. Off he

went. Then, while I was still waiting, I looked at the spot

on the wall a bit more intently and noticed it actually was

wet. Just a bit, but still.

C’mon, in broad daylight?! You’re not a dog, dude.

I once got a nice haircut and was so proud of it I

decided to try it out at a Wal-Mart and see if it got a nice

female response. I’ll admit I did draw quite a few looks, from

men and women - but mainly because my fly was undone.

Oops. With love, I.C.U.P .

There’s a difference between someone walking in on you naked and being caught naked, especially by your mom. We were young and im-pressionable. Ok that’s a lie; we were drunk and having a good time and went skinny-dipping. But at sixteen, maturity hasn’t quite set in and the idea of stealing someone’s clothes is a dazzling prospect when the person is naked and helpless. At least it was for my girlfriends. They stole my clothes and ran up to the cottage leaving me – exposed. Butt naked I bolted up the lawn, only to have my mom turn on the light. I was like a deer in the headlights. She was mad, but we laughed it off by telling everyone when we got home. Sincerely, The Streaker.

Caught.With your pants down.

My story happened one morning when I was waiting for class to start. I’d just gotten in and there were few

people in the room, so I wandered out to get prepped for the day.

I walked into the washroom near the central square of DC and saw this guy standing at the sink. I figured, meh,

no big deal. Went to grab a Kleenex since my nose was still running from the cold outside.

As I was blowing, however, I noticed that the guy wasn’t washing his hands. The water wasn’t even running. He

was just standing there, motioning his hands up and down in front of himself.

And, uh, grunting. Gently.

Then, abruptly, he turned and walked away, out of the washroom.

… I didn’t dare touch the sink.

Yours truly, Totally Disgusted. There’s nothing like walking out of a room after you just had sex and everyone in the room is starring at you with a look on their face; half of jeal-ousy and half wishing they didn’t have to hear that. A bunch of us were at the cottage for the weekend relaxing and partying. Anyways, everyone was down at the campfire and we (myself and a male counterpart) snuck up to the cottage for some … alone time. Lets just say you don’t hold back when you think no one else is listening and old cottage beds weren’t made for that type of activity. So we walked out of the room to sneak back down to the campfire, but it turned out, not long after us, everyone else had come inside too. Until next time, Broke the Boxspring.

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- WTF? - 23 -

Shayna Brown, the photog.

Sarah Manns, the big cheese.

Liisa Sahamies, the artsy one.

Matt Bird, he writes stuff.

The Crew

Photos by: Matt BirdShayna BrownSarah Manns

WTF? WTF? WTF?