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The Eggs-avierL

In this issue (probably):©2015THE XAVIER NEWSWIRE

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News SportsAfter somehow failing Core 499, a student is forced to transfer to the

year. The harrowing tale is inside.

Xavier reinstates football team af-ter long hiatus and announces the Gridiron Musketeers will play in ghost of Cinergy Field.

page A8 page C2Photo courtesy of helmethut.comPhoto courtesy of survivingcollege.com

BY ANDREW KOCHMr. Tumnus Cosplayer

Sr. Rose lands reality showAfter the media buzz

surrounding the release of her book “Out of

Habit,” Sister Rose Ann Fleming re-

cently announced that she would be the star of

a new real-ity show,

“Having Nun of It.”

T h e show will

follow Fleming as she travels the

country critiquing other universities’ student athlete ac-

ademic programs.

Xavier Jesuits open Big Mike’s Carwash

April 1, 2015

Photo courtesy clipartbest.com

IBERALWIREVolume C Issue “25”

Don’t belie

ve the

liberal M

edia

The show was developed by the NCAA to respond to recent allegations made against some American universities regarding academic honesty and athletics program. The NCAA leveled heavy sanctions against Syracuse University and is currently inves-tigating the University of North Carolina.

However, other colleges have regarded Xavier for its reputation concerning student athletes.

“X really has got it right,” East West Virginia State University Athletic Director Tom Thompson said. “Its players have a pristine record of both academ-ic and ethical achievement, and I can’t think of a single instance where that record failed to live up to the hype.”

BY TAYLOR FULKERSONEntusiasta de Nicaragua

troubles in recent years, including budget shortfalls, the Jesuits at Xavier have devised a new strate-gy to keep the university in good

The Jesuits will open Big Mike’s Carwash on Montgomery

to be named Big Mike’s in hon-or of the university’s president, will be directed to Xavier for the greater glory of God, according

to a press release.“I’m excited for this new

opportunity for the universi-ty to grow and expand,” Board of Trustees Liaison, Fr., Dr., Professor Graham Michaels, S.J. said. “I think this really gets to the core of our mission: prepar-ing our students morally, spiritu-ally and intellectually to lead lives of service and solidarity.”

“We also won’t be drowning in debt anymore,” he said.

The carwash will involve man-ual labor to avoid extensive costs

of installing real carwashing equipment, according to Chief

The plan looks to schedule students to work most of the weekday hours. They will be compensated in credit hours, roughly equivalent to satisfying the CORE 499 course. Token Administrator Chad Scottwick will oversee the project.

The Jesuits themselves will take weekend shifts.

According to a recent survey

in the business college through Facebook, “older and more fee-ble” Jesuits could get up to 50 percent more tip earnings from

polled.Organizers said that the estab-

lishment will also have a “Magic Mike” special at 4 and 10 p.m. on Sundays.

“I think I will probably pull a shift on Saturday mornings,” Fr. Al Bischoff, S.J. said. “I just love to see so many smiling faces — and fat tips.”

Students can enter an online

cameo appearance on the show. Runners-up will receive a copy of Fleming’s book and a Sr. Rose

commemorative bobblehead.“Having Nun of It” will de-

but on Fox Sports 5 and on a live stream hosted by the Vatican’s website on June 31.

Sr. Fleming, pictured above singing in the Alps, stars in a new reality show.Photo courtesy of dailymail.co.uk/20th Century Fox

news in briefsBREAKING: Senior

center Matt Stanbrook/Stainbook drives for Uber.

Liberalwire Comrade-in-Chief found to be having affair with Blue Blob.

SGA President-Elect Andrew Redd seen wearing blue pants, dis-appointing supporters.

Head coach Chris Mack and wife Christi adopt dog, name it Crystal Christoff.

University Station opens skate park in closed pool.

Elet Hall secedes from the university, joins UC.

Former Liberalwire Arts & Entertaintment editor Patrick Phillips

eht ni snoomyenohNewswire

Senior students read Newswireshrug and say, “Meh.”

Photo courtesy of furgold.com; edited by Andrew Koch

BuzzWire Edited by: Meredith Francis francism@xavier.edu

Xavier LiberalwireApril 1, 20152

BY MEREDITH FRANCISQueen of Queso

BuzzWire: Hard-hitting journalism served with a side of animal memes.

6 cats and dogs that perfectly describe what it’s like to go to Xavier

1. When you still have to go to school in a snow storm even though every other school is closed.

2. When UC thinks #XavierGirlsAreUgly is going to make them play better.

3. When Alter Hall construction starts out-side your window at 7 a.m.

5. When you walk into Dana’s on Friday night ready to party.

6. When you wake up on Saturday morning after a night at Dana’s.

Animals, like, totally convey a powerful journalistic message.

4. When you try to eat healthy in the Caf.

Photos courtesy of Google Images

Edited by: Lydia Rogersrogersl2@xavier.edu

Xavier Liberalwire

April 1, 20153

What Dat News Do

Late Night Snack — Insomnia Cookies

Edited by: Lydia Rogers rogersl2@xavier.edu

What color are these boots?!?!BY LYDIA ROGERSBooty Connoisseur

Xavier students lose it: are they #beige or are they #tan???

-nally reached a breaking point at a family reunion on March 20 in Akron, Ohio when several rela-tives still pronounced the name of the university as “Eggs-avier.”

a conversation with extended fam-ily revealed that they continue to mispronounce the name of the school.

“I’ve been at Xavier for four years,” Fields said, crushing the soda can in his hand. “I’m gradu-ating in May, and they still pro-nounce it incorrectly.”

Fields was reportedly stand-ing in his backyard near his Great Aunt Muriel, Uncle Jim and grandmother when his cousin Robert asked, “So, how are things wrapping up at Eggs-avier?”

At this point, relatives re-ported that he overturned a pic-nic table and smashed a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

“It’s pronounced, Zay-vier. How many times do I have to tell you people?” Fields said. “Xavier – with a ‘z’ sound. You don’t. say ‘eggs-zylophone.’ And you certainly don’t pro-

nounce it ‘the University of Kin-cinnati.’”

The eve-ning took a turn for the worse when Fields’ Aunt K a t h e r i n e turned on the Xavier bas-ketball game in the house. Fields pro-ceeded to over-turn a table full of baked goods when the game an-nouncer said, “Eggs-avier has a good shot at beating Georgia State.”

Fields turned purple in the face and screamed at the television.

“You’re on television,” Fields said. “It’s your job to pronounce it correctly.”

Fields then further lost con-trol when the same announcer mentioned that senior center Matt Stainbrook is an Uber driver.

Student reaches breaking point after relatives still pronounce it “Eggs-avier”

Xavier junior Katy Ferry an-nounced before a classroom of her peers today that she literally can’t even.

Ferry, a biology major, de-clared to her 300-level Philosophy of Philosophy class that she, like, literally can’t even anymore, you know?

“I just can’t a n y m o r e , ” Ferry said. “I just, like, can’t anymore with class and work and friends. I just can’t even. Literally.”

For Ferry, a number of things have contributed to her stress. Her philosophy class may have pushed her to the brink of being able to even.

“Like, this class just, ugh, you know?” Ferry said. “Like when I read for this class it’s like, what?”

Ferry, unable to articulate much beyond vague details, claims that the “struggle is real.”

“Like all I do anymore is ride the Struggle Bus,” Ferry said. “Like my friend is being so, like, you know? And then my mom calls and I’m like, look, I can’t handle that right

now. And the professors? Like please stop.”

Ferry’s philosophy professor, Harry McBeardson, believes he is offering a fair amount of work that Ferry should be able to even.

“Well, I get that philoso-phy isn’t everyone’s cup of tea,” McBeardson said. “But she’s go-

ing to a great school and seems to have a pretty good life, so I think she’s exaggerating. I truly believe – and I’m not

just saying this – that she can even.”

Ferry, however, is adamant that the world is out to get her in all aspects of her life.

“When your iPhone isn’t charged and your boring class is about to start,” Ferry said. She

-stead added, “LOLZ.”

“Can we talk about, like, how long the line gets at the sandwich line in the Caf?” Ferry said. It was unclear why she said this, or what her pur-pose was in wanting to talk about it.

For Ferry, there are some things that she can even. On weekends, for instance, Ferry can even binge

BY MEREDITH FRANCISQueen of Queso

Xavier student can’t EVENThe entire Xavier community

has been completely divided over an overnight viral sensation. One student, who chose not to be named, posted a picture of a pair of Ugg boots she wanted to pur-chase on her Instagram account. The dispute over the exact color of the boots has quickly become the major discussion for students, faculty and staff.

In the Instagram picture, the student held up the boots with the caption, “What color are these boots? I think they are beige, but my friend totally thinks they are tan! Now I see tan too! SOS!” The post immediately gained traction amongst her fol-lowers and proved to be a source of major confusion, distress and outright insanity throughout campus.

viewed the image were in doubt that there could possibly be any confusion in distinguishing what color the boots were.

a link to the picture I was like, ‘there’s no way people can be con-

fused about this,’” a sophomore student said. “These boots are def-initely tan. But then, it was crazy. All I did was blink and – bam – all of the sudden they were beige!”

There seemed to be an unbe-lievable phenomenon where the color of the boots would change right before viewers’ eyes, one

moment appearing tan, then in-stantly changing to an unrecog-nizable beige hue. What seemed to drive students even crazier was that some were simply incapable of seeing both colors.

Some members of the Xavier community insisted that the boots were truly beige, and were com-pletely unable to see the boots in any other way.

“They are beige,” a Caf staff worker said. “That’s it. There’s no way that’s tan. I don’t know how any-

body can see tan. It’s impossible.”The same argument was made

by those who could only see tan. Eventually, heated debates broke out and there have even been sev-eral reported incidents of physical violence. Xavier police have been forced to increase the size of its

-cer can be present in every classroom in order to pacify any spontaneous outbursts.

The chair of the Psychology Department was asked for his opin-ion about this puz-zling perception phenomenon, but he, too, was torn about the matter.

“I don’t know what’s real any-more,” he said. “I was one of the

few who could see both colors at

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to see the beige again. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this is, but I’m stumped.”

The turmoil this pair of boots has caused has greatly hindered the university’s ability to function. Fr. Michael Graham, S.J. has an-nounced that he will be holding a campus-wide panel discussion in Cintas to address the issues and settle the debate once and for all.

Xavier Newswire

Upcoming SAC Events

Open Mic Night — Kendall Jenner. Or the other one. Idk*

Friday, April 249 p.m.

GSC Atrium

Film for Thought — “Fifty Shades of Grey”*

Tuesday, April 78 p.m.

Xavier Yard on that blow-up TV

Wednesday, April 159 p.m.

Gallagher Student Center dumpster

Beyoncé Concert*Thursday, April 4

9 p.m.

Compiled by Lydia Rogers

*This ain’t real

Late Night Snack — Leftover veggies from Subway*

“We know he’s an Uber driver,” Fields said. “You mention it in ev-ery damn broadcast.”

Fields’ mother, Lisa, attributes her son’s outburst to enduring the mispronunciation for so long.

“Normally, I don’t con-done this kind of behavior,” Lisa said. “But I mean come on, folks. It’s been four years. You’ve even heard us pro-nounce it correctly for that long. It’s not that hard.”

Photo courtesy of hobokenpersonaltrainer.edu

BY MEREDITH FRANCISQueen of Queso

“ ”I just, like, can’t anymore with

class and work and friends. I just can’t even. Literally.

Katy Ferry, junior biology major

This is an egg and a chick. We aren’t eggs. We don’t hatch chicks.

What in the hell? What color are these boots? I see beige then tan, hbu?

the renewed frenzy coming on Monday. Desperate groups of freshmen spent the weekend making back-room deals in hot, empty classrooms, trying to buy rental space in people’s living rooms and underneath beds. Some even condemned themselves to the Alter Hall construction site.

As the sun rose on Monday, March 30, the remain-ing poor and starving gaggles of freshmen dragged themselves to Cintas Center, despondent. The events of the weekend had shown that Fenwick was to-

so forget about the Village or U. Station. Many were sent away from campus.

“You should have thought about the fact that we wouldn’t have room for you to live here before you committed to coming to this school,” the Housing Committee said.

Max Bruns is the quarterback of Xavier’s football team and a huge Bieber fan.

4

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B*tchfest 2015 Edited by: Tatum Hunterhuntert1@xavier.edu

Xavier Liberalwire

The Xavier Newswire is published weekly throughout the -

dents of Xavier University, 3800 Victory Parkway, Cincinnati, OH 45207-2129.

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April 1, 2015

On Friday, March 27, 2015 at approximately high noon, the sun beat down on a campus ravaged by panic and chaos as the housing selection process for underclassmen began.

Honors students and anyone lucky enough to have a lottery number below 0 ran under the cover of backpacks toward Cintas Center. Behind them, textbook bombs were dropped from windows and school supplies were lobbed with mighty force by ineligible students trying to pick off the weak and reserve their spots.

Panting heavily, with sweat pouring down their faces, the lucky kids who made it to Cintas stood

-ment down from lofty thrones made out of the bones of kids who didn’t renew their agreements in time.

Shouts of “No Fenwick for you!” were reportedly heard all the way on the academic mall, and thou-sands walked away homeless.

“I’ve decided I’m just going to be living in the GSC, feeding off the kindness of strangers and tak-

Courtney Garside.

Schott Hall, but shouts of “At least we have couch-es,” were the only thing they had to say about it.

By the time the day was over, the housing commit-tee had collected enough tears from the disappointed to drink and celebrate all night, thinking gleefully of

Housing crisisDisplaced freshmen driven to cannibalism

Staff Talk: What is the most important thing you learned at Xavier?

Taylor Fulkerson:

Justice doesn’t actually exist. Thanks, PHIL 100.

Andrew Koch: Come back to me later.

Lydia Rogers: Ignore the hat-ers. Blue Gibbon is bae.

Hollis Conners:“I like your basilic vein and I want to stick an IV in it” is not a good pick-up line.

Nick McGill: Always fear the Segway cop.

Campbell Tuel: The invaluabil-ity of CORE 499

innovation. XL: You don’t actually know

what innovation means, do you?CS: …No. None of us do.

They keep us chained in there. They’re harvesting our creative energy to keep the lights on in the CLC after hours. My life is a lie.

XL: Can we at least agree that “ideation” is not a word. Please tell me you at least know that ide-ation is not a word.

CS: I know. We innovated it.

Tatum Hunter drinks wine out of a dinosaur sippy cup. Her eyesight is bad, but her personality is worse.

B*tchfest 2015Edited by: Tatum Hunterhuntert1@xavier.edu

Xavier Liberalwire

April 1, 20155

Center for Innovation breeds next generation of arsonistsXavier’s new Center for

Innovation (CFI) has received a lot of buzz this semester. I was lucky enough to sit down with the Center’s Supreme Innovator of Things and Idea Person Caesar Smith to talk about innovation at Xavier.

Xavier Liberalwire: So Caesar, tell me about the CFI.

Caesar Smith: The CFI is a re-source for students, faculty, staff and local organizations. We be-lieve that innovation is a lifestyle. We want to ignite the spark of innovation on this campus. We want to innovate all over students’ faces.

XL: So what purpose does the CFI serve, exactly?

CS: What purpose does the Center serve? That’s an awesome question, Taylor.

XL: Okay. What do you think is the coolest thing about the CFI?

CSprinters. No other university in

if you can believe that. So Xavier is ahead of the curve.

XL: And what kinds of things

do you imagine these printers could be used for?

CS: I mean, anything that’s three-dimensional and can’t ac-tually be used by anybody. We have some preliminary designs

George Clooney. Our Token Administrator Chad Scottwick has suggested printing some golden dubloons to help Xavier out of its

a new Alter Hall, a wig for Chris

Ultimately, our vision is to print robots to replace the business students.

XL: Can’t go wrong with that. What kinds of programs are of-fered to people who visit the CFI?

CS: Visitors have the op-tion of attending programs like Inspiration Training, Dream Sessions and Empathy Mapping.

XL: And what do attendees gain from these workshops?

CS: Like, if you have a prob-lem, or something, and you need to come up with an innovative solution. You could like, dream about it, maybe. And like, think

creatively, which we at the CFI believe is way better than thinking non-creatively.

XL: Right. Where do you see the CFI going in the future?

CS: We’re already working very closely with the Department of Music and Theatre as well as the Art Department. In the future, we’re hoping to absorb other de-partments that could use a good dose of innovation. Such as math

plus two have to equal four? Why

Those are the kind of questions we want to get people considering.

XL: How do you envision stu-dents incorporating innovation into their everyday lives?

CS: There are many ways to be innovative, Tina. For example, you could dye your hair a fun color. Or wear quirky graphic T-shirts. Turning an entire wall into a white board or writing your fragmented thoughts on sticky notes are great ways to be innovative.

XL: What kind of careers can students with an innovation major pursue after graduation?

CS: Basically any entry-level position where your boss wants you to come in and change ev-erything. Hiring managers are im-pressed by undergrads who have managed to keep themselves pure of any applicable skills. Your op-portunities are virtually endless. By refusing to learn anything, you’ve learned something that could never be taught.

XL: What was Xavier’s goal in creating the CFI?

CS: At a foundational level, the goal was to create a space where people feel safe to fail. Which is exactly what Xavier has done in creating this space. It’s beautiful, really.

XL: Final question, Mr. Smith: -

ly “innovation” is for me?CS: Glad you asked, Tammy.

“Innovation” refers to the pro-cess of changing the world and

who are sparking the future into generative idea-driven develop-ment and bettering the systems within which operate our inven-tiveness and newness in regards to

Equality for men is long overdueThere seems to be a lot of

talk recently about women and “equal” pay. All these femina-zis are demanding to be paid the same as men. Well, listen up, you raging feminists. Let’s step off the soap box, put down the blazing bra and stop all the man-hating.

As a woman, I think I speak for all women when I say, equal pay? Psh, who needs it? (Other than single moms, the working poor, women with families or anyone else with two X chromosomes.)

Crazy feminists show up to the debate citing factual “data” and “statistics,” using “logic” to make the case for being paid the same as

dollar. Instead, I propose to solve this

annoying debate by recommend-ing the following plan: Let’s just pay men less so that they make the same as women.

Boom! Problem solved. Now everyone is equal.

For instance, if a woman makes

of their children, they aren’t very dedicated to their jobs.

Exactly, because we all know that the only possible focus of a woman’s life is her family and chil-dren. She doesn’t need any other aspirations. I hear great things happen for women who aren’t intellectually or emotionally ful-

tell you wonderful things.However, I think we can go be-

yond pay equality and talk about real equality for men. That way, women won’t have anything to gripe about.

Women always seem to be complaining about how society perpetuates unhealthy body image through our obsession with pho-toshopped supermodels.

My solution: Let’s start pho-toshopping men to have hair-less skin, a thigh gap and bigger breasts. And every winter, the

media can ogle over the Victor’s Secret Fashion Show, where men strut down the runway wearing angel wings and lacey lingerie.

Women, stop whining that society only values you for your appearance.

My solution: Let’s hold men to the same beauty standards – and I mean the same beauty standards. Men, in the name of equality, strap on some high heels, cake on that eyeliner and step into that mini skirt. But be careful – if your skirt is too short, you’ll be catcalled or labeled a slut.

Women, stop grumbling about the fact that you aren’t guaranteed paid maternity leave.

My solution: Let’s make men pull a seahorse and carry the ba-bies. Sure, we have basic anatomy to contend with, but once men have to push a bowling ball out of their nether regions, women won’t need to complain about gender in-equality anymore.

I think the solutions I’ve put forth are incredibly reasonable re-

same job position as a man, who

That way, everyone wins. And we won’t have to listen to women complaining about their pay not being equal.

I think it’s really great that our senators and congressmen, who happen to be mostly men, are standing up against our great na-tion’s angriest females. These men are saying, “Well, if women want to be paid more, why don’t they pick higher-paying jobs?”

What a brilliant idea! Why didn’t all of those nagging women think of that? You aren’t being paid enough? Simply develop a time machine, go back to your col-lege days, change your degree to Professional Lottery Winning and then re-do your entire life. Duh. It’s simple.

Other people bravely arguing against the feminists suggest that women are not committed work-ers. Because women often have to take maternity leave or take care

sponses to the unreasonable pro-tests of all the feminists out there oppressing men. By paying men the same as women and by giving men the same societal opportuni-

-nally stop feminists’ demands and make men truly equal to women.

Meredith Francis would follow a trail of queso dip into the depths of hell. She spends nights and weekends as a dog.

Sportsball Edited by: Nick McGillnewswire-sports@xavier.edu

Xavier LiberalwireApril 1, 20156

Unlikely news lands Mack back on the court

BY ANDREW UTZStaff Writer

Too much attention in all the wrong places

Xavier basketball head coach Chris Mack has resigned in or-der to play for the Musketeers again after an NCAA investiga-tion restored two years of playing eligibility.

This comes on the heels of last week’s NCAA press conference,

that University of Evansville, where Mack “played” for 2 sea-sons, has never actually existed and was just an elaborate prank by the otherwise nondescript town of Evansville, Ind.

After NCAA President Mark

of the investigation last week, speculation ran rampant that for-mer players might be able to get their eligibility back.

“It’s really not fair that these formerly young men lost years of their life at the whim of a jokester, who just happened to be the may-or of Evansville,” Emmert said at last week’s press conference.

“It’s a distinct possibility that these former student-athletes get their eligibility back,” he said.

left by graduating point guard Dee Davis, who is being considered to replace Mack as Xavier’s head coach.

The guard’s comeback has vaulted the Musketeers to the frontrunner for next year’s college basketball season, early Vegas lines have Xavier as being the odds-on

favorite to win next year’s national title after being initially listed as the 20th most likely champion.

“Chris Mack has the potential to completely change college bas-ketball’s landscape over the next two years,” ESPN analyst Jay Bilas

said. “His combination of length,

quickness and deft passing are phenomenal.”

“Seriously, did you see the

his performance of ‘Paul Revere’

at this year’s Musketeer Madness? The guy’s got game and an un-deniable ability to move it,” Bilas said.

Bilas is not concerned that Mack’s age, 45, will be a hindrance. “After chasing Lainee and Hailee

BY BRENT RAINESRain Maker

I proudly commend Xavier Athletics for their incredibly help-ful event earlier this semester that sought to teach me, a feeble-minded female, what men do when they play the basketball and talk about the sports.

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the event because my apron got caught on my oven whilst bak-ing a cake.

It wasn’t until the strong arms of my male roommate saved me that I was able to free myself. But alas, I was too late to attend Basketball 101 for Women.

I wish I could have attended so that I could learn something about the noble sport of men: basketball.

I really felt like Basketball 101 could have educated me on the rules, plays and terminology of the sport.

For instance, I would love to learn why assist-to-turnover ratio is a good indication of a point guard’s success in the game.

Also, I would love for some-one to teach me about why a pick-

if the defensive team is playing man-to-man.

It would be especially helpful if someone could explain to me why, if your team is conditioned enough, a full-court press can ex-

haust the opposition quickly. And please, would someone

tell me why a fade-away jumper is

It’s so frustrating when I don’t understand these concepts. It makes me positively faint with hysteria.

I also wish I could have attend-ed so that I might learn something about why players have to be tak-en off the court if he has blood on his jersey.

(Note: Rub cold water and bak-ing soda over the stain and voila. The stain is gone.)

--

cy percentage is more statistically

My feminine brain, too ex-hausted by menstruation, cannot possibly math.

I also applaud Xavier Athletics -

sors for women. While this year the event in-

cluded helpful household spon-sors like laundry detergent or women’s shampoo, next year, I encourage Xavier Athletics to take the sponsorship a step further. What about Betty Crocker?

Thank goodness this event is only for women, because we all know men don’t need to sit through an event that teaches them about sports.

That would be condescending.

BY MEREDITH FRANCISQueen of QuesoEven though March has come

to an end, the madness of the sea-son will continue until April 6.

However, in all the excitement of the NCAA Tournament, many people forget that other sports are still happening at Xavier.

For example, how many people followed the Xavier baseball team as it lost to Northern Kentucky University on March 29?

Or who knows that senior golfer Korey Ward didn’t win the Florida Atlantic University Slomin Autism Invitational this past weekend?

So many people get caught

up watching the men’s basket-ball team get eliminated from the NCAA tournament that they for-get about what sports entertain-ment is really about: football.

Football, or as our friends in Europe call it “Not Really Football,” embodies everything that makes America great: coming together as a family, eating high-calorie foods and celebrating scor-ing more points than those other people.

There is nothing like watch-ing mountains of muscle tackle, shove, throw, kick and bite their

the other.However, at Xavier, there is

Basketball 101:BY ERIC MINIONResident Sports Enthusiast

around for nearly a decade, I’d imagine he’d be in be better shape than he was 25 years ago,” he said.

There still are some potential problems before Mack can return to the team.

He has to enroll in classes, and his old number, 21, has been taken by sophomore guard Tim Stainbrook.

“We plan on having an ancient Greek, Olympic-style wrestling match to determine who gets (the number),” Stainbrook said.

In an interview after the an-nouncement, Mack discussed his primary motivations for returning to the game as a player.

“Christi keeps telling me that she was a better player than I will ever be,” Mack said referring to his wife, who is in the University of Dayton Hall of Fame com-memorating her basketball career.

“After I win the Wooden Award, she won’t be able to say it again,” he said.

Now the attention of the Xavier basketball program shifts to the coaching search, which fea-tures a variety of candidates that should be familiar to Xavier fans.

Graduating seniors Davis and Matt Stainbrook are believed to be the leading contenders and sourc-es close to the program believe that Xavier president Fr. Michael Graham, S.J. and NBA Hall of Famer Phil Jackson are believed to be very interested.

In a related story, Matt Stainbrook is an Uber driver.

no acknowledgement of the true American sport. People are too wrapped up in their obsession of basketball to pay any attention to the Xavier football team.

There are no huge viewing par-ties in the GSC for the football games.

The Xavier football student section is nonexistent. Even the Newswire, famous on campus for its comprehensive coverage of all things Xavier, has not written a single piece on the football team this year.

So many Xavier students stoop so low as to pretend that there is no varisty football team at Xavier.

When asked about her thoughts on the football team, senior Nicole Santiago said, “I’m pretty sure Xavier doesn’t have a football team.”

year Dan Sedlacek was unable to name a single player on the team.

Even Nick McGill, sports editor for the Xavier Newswire, refused to admit the truth, say-ing, “There is no Xavier football team.”

It is truly sickening to see an entire student body turn their backs on their own classmates, their own school and their own country.

When will this blatant injustice end? All sports should be treated equally, especially football. Xavier, it is time to take a stand.

What I wish I knew- oh wait, I do

Photo courtesy of mmqb.si.comThe 2014-15 Musketeers football team continued to dominate as they pummeled their opponent in the Roto-Rooter Cleveland Bowl.

With support from his daughters Lainee and Hailee, Mack imagines a return to the main stage for the Musketeers.Newswire photo by Andrew Matsushita

Edited by: Alex Spindlerspindlera@xavier.edu

Xavier LiberalwireApril 1, 2015

7Scarves&Tiny Glasses

Acabellas to go ‘Metallic’ BY GRANT VANCEYoung Padawan

The Xavier community should prepare for its ears to be taken to never-never land, as Xavier’s all-female a cappella group, the AcaBellas, have announced they will be performing Metallica’s “The Black Album” in its entirety for their next concert.

Club President Sally Capella was excited to make this an-nouncement over the weekend, promising that fans will be head-banging and air-guitaring until their long black hair looks plenty disheveled.

“When we think a cappella, we think head-thrashing metal. And there’s no one better than Metallica,” Capella said. “Metallica is my inspiration. It’s why I got into making instrument sounds with my mouth. It’s why we all did.”

Capella has been vocal about her passion for Metallica in the past, but is taking it to the next lev-el for this chapter in the AcaBella’s journey to the top.

to come. Our goal is to complete the entire Metallica discography

within the next 10 years,” Capella said. “I’ll be gone by then, but it will be a legacy I’m proud of. When ‘Pitch Perfect’ came out, everyone started to look at a cap-pella as a pop movement. I want to remind everyone that that’s not what it’s about. It’s about the

Long term fans of Metallica may be worried this will end with a lawsuit, considering the band’s notorious tendency to whine about their music’s distribution, but Capella has already considered this.

“My dad and Lars go way back,” Capella said. “When my dad dropped out of college he went on tour and worked as a roadie for Metallica. Lars has al-ways been very supportive of me and my family. He’s been a close family friend for years. He even introduced my parents. He’s been

… more than my dad … wait a minute …”

Though Capella has yet to an-nounce the exact date of “The Black Album’s” performance, she promises it will be “soon” and it will be “loud.”

Photo courtesy of scorpionsoldier.deviantart.comThe all-female a capella group plans to destroy its vocal chords and shred metal by tapping into Metallica’s music.

New Xavier Core to offer Puritan recreational coursesBY ALEX SPINDLER Christmas Addict

Photo courtesy of historyofnothing.wordpress.comThe Rilow family provided the inspiration for “Five Minute Jubilee Following Exorcism 101,” a new course offered.

In an effort to further connect with both spirituality and enter-tainment on campus, the new Xavier Core Curriculum has cre-ated a plethora of new Puritan recreational courses designed to free the devil in you, literally.

In cooperation with the

new Center for Innovative al-beit Retroactive Religious Observation and the descendents of Goody Proctor herself, the Core Curriculum will incorporate courses that allow one to severely

a little bit of fun in the meantime. “While some people might see

this move as a step back for the university and its students who are required to take these courses, I see it as entirely holistic,” Goody Sorrow, an adjunct professor spe-cializing in marigold picking and

butter churning, said. “We just want everyone to remember the old motto: ‘work hard, play hard.’ However, we lean more toward the former in that scenario.”

Some of the classes that will become available to Xavier stu-dents starting in the fall include bonnett weaving, scarlet letter branding, Daniel Day-Lewis im-

p e r s o n a t i n g , ankle showing, dancing — with limited prayer i n t e r r u p t i o n — and skillful preparation for the winter.

The regis-trar recently informed the Liberalwire that a multitude of these courses will also count for dual credit. They may aid students in ful-

courses in subjects such as phi-losophy, music, sustainability, English, history and, of course, theology. Many students and fac-ulty members are upset with the inclusion of these courses, stating that they restrict the artistic capa-bilities of the students who take them.

“I cannot believe that such courses would ever be offered at an institution of high learning,” Dr. Liberal McFreedomPants, a professor in the Department of Music and Theatre, said. “These

Photo courtesy of gettysburg.edu

Goody Sorrow will be teaching a variety of classes this fall. kids, no matter what class deci-sions they make, should be able to do whatever the hell they want. Whatever happened to stretch class and History of Rock n’ Roll 101?”

In response to this, Sorrow offered a number of counterar-guments that reinforce the sinful nature in anything that requires a smile. “We are doing our best to maintain a balance of theological reverance and fun. But not too much fun, because that’s the devil, Sorrow said.”

However, there is a growing number of students speaking out

in favor of such courses being of-fered, citing a “change of heart” after being persuaded by the new faculty members.

‘Puritan,’ all I could think about was that scary witch play that I had to read when I was a sopho-more in high school,” Kyle Farkus, a junior psychology student, said. “I didn’t really realize how much I was sinning to begin with. Now, I realize that there is some fun in showing a little wrist every now and then. But not too much, be-cause that’s the devil.”

While some students might

-forming arts classes might be cut, the panel responsible for reevalu-ating the Core Curriculum has re-assured the student body numer-ous times that this will not be the case.

However, for every course which does not follow the Puritan style for which a student registers, he or she will receive an appro-priate psalm in the mail dictating why such courses are inferior. For more information on these cours-es or to contact one of the new faculty members, carrier pigeon is perfectly acceptable.

this is to halp people Edited by: Hollis Connersconnersh@xavier.edu

Xavier LiberalwireApril 1, 20158

BY HOLLIS CONNERSDeath Eater

Note* Just to shake things up, the Newswire hired a guest advice columnist for this week. Next week we will have a voting poll for readers to decide if the advice colum-nist should become a monthly occurrence. Their name has been hidden until we can

add them to payroll.

show, I start another. How do I get my life back?

next best thing would be to throw your laptop out of the -

nounce technology completely. Technology is hazardous to your health. It ensures you always look like you have

ahold of your every waking thought with an unbreakable grip. Also if you sell all your technological goods, you have more money to start paying off your tuition. Also keep in

Q: Whenever I go to a club with my friends, I am embarrassed by my dance moves. I always look really awkward and don’t know how to move my body. Any advice?

A: Go buy Just Dance on the Wii immediately. Whoever made up those dance moves clearly kills it on the dance

kind routine for people to use in public. Not only will you look like a star from a Britney Spears music video, but your friends will be so jealous that they won’t want to stand next to you.

Q: I have this horrible procrastination problem. I always put my essays and studying off until the last minute. I will do anything and everything to avoid studying. How do I become more productive?

A: I actually believe you should put off your home-work until the morning of! Not even the night be-fore. Studies show that everyone works best under pressure, so if you fear you won’t be able to turn in everything you need to, you will actually produce your best work! Some more ways to make sure you will ace that test is to clean your entire house the night be-fore, watch an entire season of a show and get into

won’t get anything done that night.

Q: Whenever I try to take my girlfriend to a nice restaurant, she refuses to put on makeup. I just want to feel like she wants to look pretty for me. What should I do?A: First off, this is not your fault. It is her respon-sibility to realize that as a woman, she has an ob-ligation to uphold society’s standards of beauty. How dare she not put on makeup when you have explicitly stated that you want her to! Does she wear sweats all the time? Is her hair her natural hair color or something?! If she won’t change for you, dump her immediately.

Q: My roommate won’t do her dishes. My other house-mates and I try to tell her that it is gross, but she won’t listen. What should we do?

A: Take your dirty dishes and put them on your gross roommate’s bed. When she asks you why they are there, blame a different roommate and join in on the bashing that comes afterward. Not only will you look like the cool, understanding housemate, but when the two of them start to

-taining television drama without having to turn on the TV. Also, you got your revenge.

How do I make companies want to hire me?A: Are you handing in your resume? Stop doing that. Most companies throw away resumes after a minute of looking at them. Instead, give them a document with your name and phone number. That will make them more curious about you. What are their skills? What is their work history? More than likely, they will call your number to ask for an interview. Once the interview is scheduled, you’ll have them right where you want them. Charm the HR representative during the interview, and you’ll get the job you truly deserve.

thing or sound like a weirdo whenever I go to a party. How do I be-come more comfortable with people?

at the party and focus on that. Maybe even point it out to others attending the party for a conversation idea. The best way to make someone laugh is to insult another per-son in the same room. Bonus points if they already hate each other. Not only will you gain the reputation as the funniest person at the party, but you can focus on every-thing that makes you the hottest person at the party. You can them move up the social food chain and get invited to way cooler parties.

Askthe anonymous advice columnist

How do I gain some respect from the upperclassmen and get them to look past my age?

A: Honestly, you are a freshman. “First year” is a term used to make you feel like you are a per-son. My advice would be to embrace your youth. Carry a lanyard to make it obvious. Wear you old high school t-shirts so everyone knows your heart is still there. Only travel in packs with other freshman. Trust me, there are a ton of them. Just remember in a year, you will have earned the right to act like the new freshman aren’t there. It’s a power trip unlike any other.

Photos courtesy of Google Images