you can't stamp out the cockroach!

7/28/2019 You Can't Stamp Out the Cockroach!

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Bax Trembly, S.I.: Master of a Million Masks!

In:

You Cant Stamp Out The Cockroach!

By Scott Mercer

(Based on a character created by Larry Blamire)

Red Rose Washing Powder and Grandmother Fotheringills

Laxative Corn Toasties present the continuing adventures of:

Bax Trembly, S.I.: Master of a Million Masks!

Bax Trembly, Special Investigator, or S.I., as he is often referred to,fights a constant fight against the foes of Freedom and Liberty the

world over.

As a young man, he traveled with his diplomat father to various exoticpostings around the globe, traveling outside continents and

incontinence. He became fluent in nine separate languages, eight ofwhich he invented himself.

Tutored in the Himalayan mountains in the art of disguise, by ascetic

monks steeped in the tradition of this ancient discipline, he now useshis powers of masking, and blending into any situation, to infiltrate the

activities of all bad men and evil doers right under their own noses.

His true identity, and his true aims and purposes, are known only to thePresident of the United States, to Baxs loyal Himalayan assistant, TengKo, and to Baxs mentor and supervisor, head of the little-known andultra-secret Department of Investigations Department Bureau, known

only by his code name, The Honcho.

Now, once again, The Honcho has called Bax Trembly into his office,

located in the hidden underground DIDB HQ, beneath the traffic-kissedstreets of Washington, D.C.

Bax Trembly looked perturbed. Perhaps even miffed. He sat down inthe rhinoceros skin chair facing The Honchos burled mahogany solidivory desk. It had better be important, Honcho. When I got yourmessage, I was right in the middle of a whist tournament. About to

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spring my trap and rope in all those suckers. Lower the boom, as itwere.

Believe me, Bax, it is. Important, I mean.

A look of worry tap-danced its way across Bax Tremblys countenance.Where a mere nanosecond ago, he held all the cars, now he felt adrift,a boat at sea, storm-tossed, sans anchor.

Gee, Honcho, you sure dont fool around. All right, Ill give. Whatcould it be? Youre looking serious.

I am serious. Serious as that thing, when that, whats it called, inyour chest, you know, stops working, that makes you dead?

You mean, a heart attack? Bax Trembly inquired inquiringly.

Yeah, thats the one, The Honcho confirmed. As serious as a heartattack. Because this time, its personal. The Cockroach is back.

Im sorry, who now? Bax asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Bax! Your old nemesis? That disgusting insect you battled in thepast?

Come again? Bax said, eyeing a cockbrow. The Honcho had a

beautiful statue of a rooster that he kept on his desk. Bax couldbarely keep his eyes off it. Man, it was so distracting, Bax thought tohimself. It was so lifelike! He just couldnt stop staring at it! Whywouldnt The Honcho just get rid of that thing? It was almostimpossible to conduct business with its incisive, turgid beauty in yourfield of vision!

Um, your mortal enemy? Who you battled to a near death onmultiple occasions? Who killed your only true love? Who you swore ablood oath to avenge?

Bax Tremblys brow furrowed. Okaaaykeep going, this is starting tosound a little familiar to me.

The Honcho got right to the point. The Cockroach is a perfectlyappropriate name, Bax, for this interminable pest. No matter howmany times we think weve stamped him out, he just pops up again,all over again.

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Maybe thats why hes called The Cockroach, Bax mused.

Erm, right. Thats what I was just anyway, as you recall, wethought you had killed him on top of the Grand Coulee Dam.

I guess that was nothing but a dam mistake, Bax quipped. Whereis the vermin now?

Our operatives have tracked him to an estate about 75 miles outsidethe city limits. Bax, you need to infiltrate his secret hideout, find outwhat his nefarious scheme is, and, if possible, put a stop to it. Wedont know what hes up to, but if The Cockroach is involved, then thefuture of freedom may very well be at stake.

Nuts, Bax spat. Im tired of all this pussyfooting around, Honcho.You know, beating about the bush, laying back, delaying action,formulating options, taking a wait-and-see attitude, carefully crafting aplan of attack. That stuffs all for saps. Im not a guy for talking.Talking, talking, talking. Some people, thats all they know how to do,just talk and talk and talk. Flap their gums. Yammer on and on.Chew the fat. Cut off a slice of jabber pie. Take a big drink of adiscussion milkshake. Yammer on and on. But not me. No, Im aman of action, Honcho. And if a man of action, knows one thing, andonly one thing, only, its got to beaction.

Okay, Bax. Im all ears. Whats your plan?

The way I figure it, in order to catch The Cockroach, I have to takehim by surprise. So, using my amazing powers of disguise, I infiltratehis secret hideout, find out what his nefarious scheme is, and, ifpossible, put a stop to it.

Ermgood plan.

I knew youd see things my way, Honcho. Now, wheres this estate of

yours?

The Honcho handed over a large cardboard sleeve. Bax Trembly readthe markings on its outside, which was markedly easier than readingthe markings on its inside, that is, without opening it. Huh. Top TopSecret. No Looking. No Peeking. Really. Seriously. Its Not Allowed.Okay? No Takebacks. No Mulligans. Are you sure Im allowed toread this?

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Of course, Bax. You have clearance. In fact, youre one of our mostclarified agents. In that dossier, you will find all the information youwill need.

It may be what I need, but, I wonder, is it really what I want? Baxconsidered.

Did I miss something? The Honcho muttered.

Sorry chief. Reading too much Dale Carnegie again, I guess. Butdont worry about anything, Bax Trembly said. The fate of the worldis in good hands resting on the shoulders of Bax Trembly.

Minutes later, Bax had piloted his sleek Suisso-Cheeza coup into theunderground parking garage of the Parker-Hallus Building, where hissumptuous penthouse suite lorded its swankness over the rumbling,filthy city sprawling far below. After taking the ultrasonic elevator tothe top floor, he fiddled gently but substantially with the chrome-encrusted tumblers of his custom-designed locking mechanism,engineered to keep out all but the most persistent and cunningevildoers, and finally, gained entry to his sanctum.

Teng Ko, he called. Be very aware. We have been called intoaction yet again.

Teng Ko entered the looming vestibule, tray in hand. But MasterTrembly, I prepared your usual cocktail, just the way you like it. EvilBoy Scout, heavy on the crme fraiche.

That will have to wait, my friend, Bax Trembly intoned somberly.The world needs my special abilities. Come, let us prepare.

Meanwhile, 75 miles outside the city limits, in an unassuming farmhouse with an assumed mortgage, criminal mastermind The Cockroach

called his deputies together.

Come, my duplicitous henchmen, gather around me, The Cockroachhissed.

One of the henchmen tentatively raised his hand.

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Excuse me, I dont mean to be a jerk about this, but what did youjust call us?

The Cockroachs posture collapsed into a notably disappointedposition. Are you serious? What? Duplicitous?

Yeah, thats the one. No offense or anything, but Ive never heardof that word before.

Yeah, me neither, piped up another one of the Henchmen.

I see. Not boned up on your English vocabulary? So, what all wereyou people doing instead of studying for your college entrance examsthen, hmm? Stuffing yourselves into telephone booths? Swallowinggoldfish?

Im sorry, the first Henchman said. I never went to college. I didgraduate high school, but it was no smooth sailing, let me tell you.That algebra stuff was particularly harsh.

A third Henchman joined the discussion. Tell me about that. Andwhat is the point of learning that stuff anyway? Its not like youll beever using it on the job.

Working as an Evil Henchman for a Criminal Mastermind? Thesecond Henchman added. You got that right, pal. All we do around

here is stick guns in peoples faces and the occasional lifting of deadbodies.

QUIET DOWN! The Cockroach yelled. Im quite sorry that all ofyou are disappointed in your career choices, The Cockroach said, ButIm standing right here, you know. I have feelings too. I dont like itwhen my business is badmouthed. And you wouldnt like it either. Putyourself in my evil penny loafers for a second.

Sure, boss, but

Hold on, Arnie. Personally, I think Evil Henchman is an excellentcareer opportunity for young up-and-comers like yourselves. Why,theres constant deaths, so plenty of opportunities to move up in theranks, the possibility of massive amounts of stolen goods or moneycoming into your possession, and plenty of fringe benefits, like evilparking allowance, evil dental plan, and even the chance for an evil

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girlfriend. So. Taking all that into consideration, are there anycomplaints about your positions?

The Henchmen muttered their agreement.

I thought so. Now lets get on with the meeting.

You still never told us what the word meant, the first Henchmanmuttered.

It means crafty, devious, and underhanded. Evil. Okay?

Okay, sorry boss. I guess I got a little sensitive about the wholething.

Just dont let it happen again. Now, where was I? Right. BaxTrembly. The Special Investigator. I have it on good authority that hehas our latest operation in his sights.

Trembly? But hes almost unstoppable!

Only if youre not a genius. And I am. A genius, that is. Ive beenexpecting him to make his move for some time. I understand that hehas been led to our very doorstop."

"Boss? Don't you mean doorstep?" A large Evil Henchman asked

gormlessly.

"Yes, of course," The Cockroach replied, with extra gorm. "That'swhat I said. Doorstep."

"Ah, no. No, you didn't. You said 'doorstop.'"

"Well, now. Isn't my face red!" The Cockroach began laughing.

The Evil Henchman, unsure of what to do, began laughing along with

him. The other Henchmen all joined in on the joke. Suddenly, theCockroach pulled out a revolver and shot the presumptuous henchmanin the face. Blood shot out of every facial opening the man possessed.Looking like a man possessed, the Henchman dropped to the floor likea sack of something that's really heavy would drop to the floor.

"But your face is even redder!" The Cockroach shouted.

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The other Evil Henchmen froze in place. "Now," the Cockroach said,"any more questions?"

Meanwhile, Bax Trembly and Teng Ko had arrived at a spot quitenear the Cockroach's secret hideout in Bax's Suisso-Cheeza coup.

Bax had expertly piloted the imported vehicle into a deep ditch at theside of the road, where it remained trapped.

"Teng Ko, I guess we're parking the car here."

"Yes, Master Trembly. Car should be safe here. Nobody can stealcar when stuck in four feet of mud."

"Once again, Teng Ko my old compatriot, you have crystallized mythinking. What would I do without you?"

"Not sure, Master Trembly."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Teng Ko. Well, are we ready? Is yourequipment prepared?"

"Everything ready," Teng Ko replied.

While crouching near the farmhouse behind a convenientlyabandoned zeppelin, Bax Trembly carefully applied his masterfuldisguise of false beard, mustache and sunglasses.

"Teng Ko, as you can see, I have chosen to apply a masterfuldisguise of false beard, mustache and sunglasses. Actually, thesunglasses are not false. They are real sunglasses, but I shall bewearing them indoors, so, I guess one could say that the sunglassesare false not in description, but only in the context of their usage.

Teng Ko nodded. Very insightful, Master Trembly.

In sight ful? Not really, Teng Ko. We are talking aboutsunglasses, and my sight may actually be impaired while wearing

them in a dimly lit indoor environment, a situation for which theyclearly were in no way designed. But, no matter. The important thingis that with this transformation, I shall now become one of the veryscum I am pursuing. This disguise is a work of genius," Bax Tremblysaid. "None of the criminal brotherhood in that abode will dare tosuspect that I am not one of their own kind. Very well then, Teng Ko.I would say, wish me luck, but if theres one thing that Bax Tremblydoes not enjoy falling back upon, its luck. And, maybe a bed of nails.

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So, I guess, two things Bax Trembly does not enjoy falling back upon.Here I go."

After watching the fleet-of-foot form comprising Bax Trembly slinktowards his destiny, Teng Ko concealed himself nearby, tensed like a

coiled snake, ready to strike, should his employer require hisprotection.

Within moments, Bax Trembly stood on the porch of the weatheredold farm house, preparing himself mentally for the battle that wasabout to take place.

Before he could even raise his hand to press the buzzer that rangthe doorbell, the door flung open. Standing before him was one of theCockroach's evil henchman: a voluminous goon that filled the opendoor frame with his bulk. He had a giant scar on his lips and a giantcigar in them. He cracked a broad grin and flashed a rack of goldteeth straight out of Fort Knox. But most importantly, he was pointinga loaded gun directly at the chest of Bax Trembly!

How will Bax Trembly extricate himself from this delicate

situation? Stay right there Bax Trembly fans, for our story will

continue in mere moments!

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And now fans, back to the exciting adventures of Bax Trembly, S.I.!

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Say, the Henchman growled, what gives?

Bax Trembly smirked. Dont give me that, Johnny. Wheres theBoss?

The Henchman was taken aback. Maybe even two. Er, hes inside.But, listen pal, my names not Johnny, its Vic.

Sure, sure, Im hep. Thats the name youre usin on this gig. Noproblem, Johnny. Thats aces with me. Vic it is, from now on. Andyou can drop that piece. I aint lookin to do an impersonation of apiece of Swiss Cheese anytime soon.

Bax Trembly barged his way past the confused henchman and into thehouse. Hey, my name really is Vic Bax heard echoing behind himas he thrust his personage into the den of evil.

Bax found himself in the middle of a den of thieves: the most motleycollection of thugs, mugs, pugs, cutthroats, jackdaws and jackanapesthis side of the Rio Grande. As they spun around to look at thisstranger thrust into their midst, Bax could hear a pin drop.

Sorry I dropped my pin, Bax said.

The Coackroach raised himself on his insect-like legs. Bax recognizedhim immediately, what with his elaborate costume that had the words

The Cockroach emblazoned across the chest in highly legiblecharacters. Who the hell are you, mustachioed stranger?

A fine question, Bax stalled, waiting for his mind to spit up anacceptable cover story. A disgusting metaphor, Bax thought, but anapt one. His cerebral cortex heaved an idea into his frontal lobes,triggering his lips to move and his voice box to make sounds. Reallyimportant sounds.

Im Rocco, from Downtown. The boys sent me.

What boys? one of the henchmen asked.

The Downtown Boys! Bax barked. Does that answer your question,wise guy?

Just a moment, The Cockroach retorted. I need some names here,fellow. You are nought but unknown to us.

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Names? Sure, I gotcha. Some names. Of course, I can give youguys some names. All you gotta do is ask for em. If its names youwant, then names I got.

Well then?

Oh you know, Bax mumbled. Theres, uh, Lefty, and Slats, and uhBroccoli Nose.

Broccoli Nose! The Cockroach shouted. Thats absolutelyridiculous!

Bax bit his lip, thinking the jig was up. Or was it down for the count?

I think you mean Cauliflower Ear, The Cockroach said.

A smile broke across Baxs relieved face. Right! Cauliflower Ear! Ialways say the wrong vegetable and the wrong body part. Ill get thatright next time. Listen, word on the street is that youse guys are upto your necks in trouble, and Im here to bail you out. So are wegonna do some crimes or what?

A cracked grin oozed across the face of The Cockroach. My, arent wethe impatient one. But I do like that. A real go-getter, then?Excellent. I would be quite gratified to see what youre made of.

Mainly bones, internal organs and skin. But Id rather not get into adiscussion of human biology right now, Cockroach. Because you andeveryone in this room is under arrest! Bax shouted, brandishing hisgovernment issue revolver like so many things that could kill a largenumber of people if they wanted to.

The Cockroach stood there, stunned, as if he had been just slappedwildly about the head and shoulders with a world-record-shatteringlyhuge giant haddock of gargantuan proportions. "You are turning into a

very bad Evil Henchman, my friend. I may have to make a note ofthis on your next employee evaluation."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did," he replied, "because you are correct.I am a very bad Evil Henchman. In fact, I am not a Henchman at all."

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The Henchman reached up to remove his facial disguise and wig, alongwith his Evil Henchman name tag, to reveal, not an Evil Henchman atall, but exactly Bax Trembly!

Bax Trembly! The Cockroach blurted.

One and the same, Bax Trembly reblurted. Now If youll all comequietly, Im sure I can convince the judge to go easy on all of you.Unless, of course, youd like me to do that. Then, I wont.

Seize him, my Evil Henchmen! The Cockroach cried.

Gee, Boss, what are you crying for? The Big Lug asked.

Just get him!

The horde of no-goodniks descended upon Bax Trembly like a largegroup of some type of flying insect, perhaps a type that would bedriven expressly by unfeeling, unflinching instinct to descend uponsomething in the manner that insects would do. Baxs governmentissue revolver was forcibly removed quicker than a strapless gown onProm Night.

Bereft of his well-oiled example of the gunsmiths art, Bax Tremblyprepared for an onslaught of fisticuffs the likes of which had not beenseen since the most recent Golden Gloves Tourney. He flung his best

Haymaker into the solid jaw of the towering goon that loomed overhim like a lugubrious moon. But for all the good it did, Bax Tremblymay as well have been attempting to shatter that ancient planetarybody itself, rather than the intractable mandible of a scuffling neer-do-well.

Two more stooges lunged at Bax Trembly from behind and grabbedhim by the spleen. Bax attempted to withdraw his ancient Nepalesedagger from its hidden scabbard in a sneak attack. But it was no use.Even with his unquestioned mastery of the ancient martial arts, Bax

Trembly had been caught with his pants down.

I really should get a new belt, he muttered as the Henchmendragged Bax Trembly to a standing position. Bax could not make amove, as at least five, but probably less than seven, guns were trainedon him at once, from at least five, but probably less than sevendifferent directions!

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Bax Trembly. As I live and breathe.

But not for long, Bax Trembly retoasted.

Very clever. I see youve been working on your banter. But,

unfortunately for you, not quite clever enough.

So, we meet again, The Cockroach, Bax Trembly said.

Yes, we do, Bax Trembly. Too bad this will be our last meeting, TheCockroach barked, not unlike a small household pet, one that might begenetically related to a wolf.

Why? You going somewhere? Moving out of town?

On the contrary, Bax Trembly. It is you who are moving to a newlocale. In fact, it is a permanent relocation. I would advise you toinform your mailman of your latest address. Forward all mail for BaxTrembly to Deadville: Population, You."

Not quite sure where youre going with this metaphor, Cockroach. ButI can tell you one thing. Whatever your twisted plan is, youre toolate, Bax Trembly snarled.

No, Bax Trembly, I can assure you that it is YOU who are too late.Late, as in The Late Bax Trembly.

Now I see. Youre saying youre going to kill me, or something.

The Cockroach chose to ignore Bax Tremblys incisive powers ofdeductive reasoning. This room is about to fill with poisonous gas.Within minutes, you will be unable to breathe. Your lungs will fill withthe deadly vapors, then your lungs will swell, and finally, they willexplode, filling your chest cavity with blood.

That doesnt sound good, Bax admitted. But Ive got an important

Extra for you, Cockroach, and its hot off the presses. As far as Iknow, as evil and heinous as you are, you still need air to fill yourlungs on an ongoing basis. And youll be breathing in those selfsamepoisonous vapors. If I go down, so do you. That almost makes itworthwhile.

Ha ha ha ha ha! The Cockroach cackled. That is where you arewrong, Bax Trembly. Wrong as in, dead wrong. And dead, as in not

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alive. For, thanks to my fabulous invention, The Omni-Antidote Pill, Iam protected against any drug or poison you would care to throw atme.

Oh really? What about bullets? Bax said, letting his gun do the

talking for him. He withdrew his backup, miniature revolver from deepwithin the hidden folds of his trench coat, and fired several shots atthe Cockroach, emptying the chambers of the weapon. He fired, andfired, and fired, until he could fire no more, the dull clicking of thetrigger making a depressingly hollow sound in his shooting hand.

But when Bax Trembly looked across the chamber, The Cockroach wasstill standing in place, his fists balled against his hip bones in defiance.

What in the Sam Hill? Bax blurted. How many more times do Ineed to shoot you before you go down on me?

Try all you like, G-Man. But you wont get anywhere. Because I amnot really in the room. What you are looking at and hearingatismerely the output of my latest genius invention. It transmits imagesand sounds over a long distance, and projects them into a remotelocation. I call it the cell phone.

Bax stepped into the center of the room and lunged at the image ofThe Cockroach. But there was nothing to grab. His arms passedthrough it harmlessly, like so many raisins shooting through a tapioca

pudding.

Where are you, Cockroach? You coward! Show yourself! What kindof man would do something like this? You must be some kind of an insect! Or a bug! Yes, thats right!

And that, Special Investigator, is why I am called The Cockroach!

Oh yeah. Right. That would make sense.

Youve failed again, Bax Trembly! Get him, boys!

The image of The Cockroach faded into the ether, disassembling itselfinto a jumble of various non-entities. Then, it was gone.

Just then, several other previously unseen Evil Henchmen chargedthrough the door. A pair of giant hands grabbed Bax roughly by thescruff of the neck before he had a chance to react. Another thug had

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Bax by the legs, imprisoning the Master of Disguise and tossing himabout like a rag doll; albeit one with an excellent wardrobe and ahighly distinguished haircut.

It seemed that all was lost, when suddenly, Bax Trembly felt a skull

being cracked above him. Teng Ko and his deadly flying limbs hadcome to the rescue! The Tibetan warrior swiftly and decisivelydispatched the retinue of brutes that were keeping a lid on BaxTrembly. Bax was now lidless! He looked up and surveyed thecarnage that lay before him. The floor was littered with the motionlesscarcasses of the ineffective goons that could not stand the unremittingassault of Teng Kos powerful feet!

Teng Ko, my friend. What are you doing here?

Saving your bacon, Master Trembly.

I do like bacon. But what do my breakfast choices have to do withanything?

Well, sometimes, I do wish you would wake up and smell the coffee,Teng Ko sighed.

What a sense of humor! Teng Ko, youre a panic.

Panic. Yes, sometimes I do feel that way.

Teng Ko, looks like Ive wrapped up another one. Lets head backhome. Well put in a call to the Sanitation Department. Looks likesomebody should come by here and take out all this trash. Of course,I am referring to the Henchmen that are now lying about the floor ofthis room, bloodied and nursing broken limbs. Im calling them trash.

I get it.

Minutes, or perhaps even hours later, Bax sat in the finely upholstered

yak leather wing chair in front of The Honcho, delivering his report ofthe incidents that had unfolded in front of his unbelieving spleen.

Glad to have you back, Trembly. Must have been a tense situation upthere.

As the kids say, you aint just whistling Dixie, Honcho. ThatCockroach is a menace. I got a chill just when I stared into his cold

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and detached eyes. It was even worse when he put his eyes back intheir sockets.

I look forward to reading your report.

Well, 27 henchmen in custody, the Cockroachs operation shut down,and the worlds supply of eggplant caviar safe once again. Id say themission was an unqualified success, Honcho.

Not quite, Bax. The Cockroach got away, didnt he?

Well, I suppose if you want to nitpick, Honcho. But trust me, I willget him. What do they say about DIBD men? We always get our man,right?

Bax, no. Thats the Canadian Mounties.

Right, itswe will get him, neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow

Bax. Thats the Post Office.

Exactly. When I finally capture The Cockroach, that will be a RedLetter Dayfor him.

And so ends another tale of raw excitement and uncooked danger with

Bax Trembly, Special Investigator, or S.I., as he is often referred to.Join us once again next time for another crime busting adventure rippedpainfully from the anals of law enforcement, the thrilling and

sensational tales of the most beloved foe of evil ever unleashed uponthe doers of dastardly deeds, the one and only Bax Trembly, S.I.

Master of a Million Masks!

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you can't stamp out the cockroach!

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