Your Extreme Valentine, 2013

Preface / Introduction

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Table of Contents

1. No valentines today? What did you do to deserve them? Two penguins have some advice foryou... and so do I! 2. 'Don't change a hair for me. Not if you care for me'. Your Extreme Valentine, 2012.

No valentines today? What did you do to deserve them? Twopenguins have some advice for you... and so do I! by Dr. Jeffrey Lant

Today, February 14, 2011, is Valentine's Day. Millions of people worldwide will participate in thisessential rite of love which usually involves men standing in lines for hours at expensive candyshops and florists with overburdened, surly help... then trekking their purchases home, very self-consciously, with more hope than expectation that She Who Must Be Obeyed will be, for an instant,completely satisfied with him.

Millions of people today will get some such token of affection, usually of the hackneyed chocolateor red rose variety. But the sad fact is, millions more will get no affectionate sentiment or token ofany kind today... and they will deserve the slight.

To deal with this irritating, indeed humiliating situation, of the "what a revolting development thisis" variety, I have called upon two love birds of my acquaintance, Penguins Ishaboe and Spheniscus,inhabitants at the New England Aquarium, Boston, Massachusetts. They know a thing or two on thesubject of love and affection... and being helpful critters they are happy to share what they know...

Ishaboe (male) and Spheniscus (female) are a mating pair of African penguins, a bird so rare that itmay well become extinct in the next 15 years. Concerned researchers at institutions worldwide areengaged in a strenuous effort to save the breed while they still can. This means taking an obsessiveinterest in their amatory habits. What they've learned is instructive... not just for the penguins but fortheir love-challenged human keepers as well.

First of all, they like each other... and they're never afraid to show it, even with hundreds of pryingeyes looking at them.

Ol' Blue Eyes, crooning Sinatra, the chairman of the board, knew just how exciting Total Focus onyour love interest can be:

Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright. 'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear.(Release date 1949).

Or, if you prefer a more insistent beat, try this punchy line from the Miracles...

I'm just a love machine... and I won't work for nobody but YOU! (Released 1975.)

These smart penguins practice what they preach. Why just the other day, marooned together on theirhigh-class desert island (scrubbed clean every single day), splashing care-free in the 150,000 gallonsof Boston Harbor water, constantly filtered, they literally couldn't take their eyes off each other...and didn't. Even experienced researchers, used to penguin fidelity, found this total attention worthyof note.

When was the last time, you gave your love interest your total, unqualified focus? Stumped? Can'tremember? That's where your problems begin... and it doesn't matter how old you are, either.

Why, in my Harvard Square neighborhood in Cambridge, Massachusetts the students at the World'sGreatest University think nothing of holding hands with Love Interest #1, while furiously textmessaging Love Interest #2. Thus they always have a back-up when their togetherness shreds, athing they anticipate, expect, and plan for. And some dare call this love!

So, Rule #1 to make this day special... don't just give a card with printed sentiments written for thepoetically destitute. Don't merely plunk down a few bucks for a box of Fannie May or Whitman's

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quaint Sampler and think it's "good enough". As that wag Sir Percy Blakeney, baronet, said in "TheScarlet Pimpernel" (published 1905) "There is nothing that is quite so bad as that which is goodenough."

Exactly.

You selected your would-be Valentine for a reason. Recall that reason now...

Then move out of the dull and dreary to the new, energized, alluring you, the fountainhead ofdreams, seductions, shared pleasures.

Instead of the unexciting red rose, lay down a trail of rose petals that lead to a pulsating,provocative......... YOU!

Or do a Hansel and Gretel number (from the story by the Brothers Grimm published 1812). Laydown one tell-tale chocolate after another, until X marks the spot where your one and onlyfinds.....YOU and nothing but you, exciting, uninhibited, memorable....

If you've let your relationship grow stale, shame on you when just a little such inventiveness isrequired to revivify and re-ignite.

Our penguin pair knows this. When one is away for a moment, they tenderly call a la JeanetteMcDonald. Upon returning, they bow to each other, polite, thrilled to be rejoined. To make cleartheir interest, they preen, they posture, they give food to demonstrate affection... they are assiduous,inventive, playful... and from their unceasing inventiveness comes a helluva good time; they enjoyseeing how they can top their own creative efforts and show the profound affection they soobviously feel for each other.

Our penguin pair knows, too, that the secret of this day is the line from "My Funny Valentine" (fromthe musical "Babes in Arms," Rodgers and Hart, 1937.)

Each day is Valentine's Day.

Here the penguins excel. Today they will act towards each other, the way they act every day. Theywill neither note nor care that this is a day dedicated to the arts of love. Should someone say so, theywould laugh, wondering why any creature, any place limit to a single day the fond sentiments anddelights which are best given every day, in all places. They will then go back to their tried and trueways of love, oblivious to you and me.

It is more than sad that such creatures are imperiled, the victims of over fishing and changes inocean currents which remove the penguins from their foods. Catastrophe looms as their once vastnumbers plummet. If these are, indeed, their last days (though human friends are helping), theymean to go out as they have lived these generations past, engrossed in each other, loving as if therewas no tomorrow. And so should we all.

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'Don't change a hair for me. Not if you care for me'. YourExtreme Valentine, 2012.by Dr. Jeffrey Lant

Author's program note. Men, it's time for your annual Valentine's Day update and reminder. For, asyou will recall, Valentine's Day (along with her dog Pookie's birthday) is the most important eventof her year. If you get it right (or as right as any man can get this minefield) you're in like Flynn foranother year; your right to nookie safe and secure for another 365 glorious days.

But...

if you muff this, like you did last year and the year before that, you are in for another prolongedrough patch... and you know very well how rough that will be. To avoid this fate worse than death,extreme measures are required, and these extreme measures must be taken NOW! Men, have I gotyour full attention? Your Love Doctor is here for you... and OMG, you know you need it.

The Facts.

As we have discussed in prior years (and many of you have attended this critical training year afteryear, with, sad to say, spotty results) Valentine's Day is a world-wide conspiracy. It first began asthe brainchild of a highly paid consultant who was charged with the task of selling a particularlynoxious chocolate with a vile, disgusting taste... That didn't bother the consultant at all; it was thekind of challenge he lived for.

Even the fact that the chocolatier couldn't pay him even a token amount up front didn't bother ourfearless consultant one iota. He still inked a contract that said he'd receive 25% of the gross on allnew business stimulated by his best ideas. In other words, he would (in the best macho consultanttradition) forgo certain (albeit lower) payment in return for a whopping share of the gross... and solong as he could move the obnoxious chocolate that everybody loathed.... he'd be a big winner.

Frankly, the folks at the chocolate company (who pretty much loathed their product, too, and bannedit from the company candy machine) thought they'd made the perfect deal. After all, they got theconsultant to work for them for free... and gave away revenues that didn't exist, would probablynever exist. But before claiming a huge write-off and throwing the offending chocs in the garbage,they needed -- so their accountant said -- to gve it the Good Ol' College Try.

His name was Valentine...

Now our audacious consultant sat down to business, and because he was a very clever fellow, theideas flowed fast and furious. Thus after just a few days, the consultant was ready to see the CEOand present the all-important concept. As it turned out not only was this meeting important for thechocolate company; it was a crucial turning point in the relations of all men with their women... itthereby launched a movement creating millions of jobs and huge corporate profits worldwide.

The consultant's name was Valentinos Kariotes... known as Val... and he is the man who set the highstandards for Valentine's Day...

Yes, it is because of this single man and his insight that the conjugal rights and ecstasies of millionsof hapless guys are put at risk every single friggin' year, to be reaffirmed by shelling out forchocolate, making ever richer the corporate smarty pants who dreamed up this baby.

Down to business.

Val, a straight talking, no nonsense, "let's stick to business" kind of guy got right to the point. To sell

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the chocs everyone acknowledged as disgusting, they'd have to have a bigger idea, something huge,clever, larger than life.... here Val paused.... because he knew that his next words would not only sellchocolates nobody could abide, but get men by the millions to line up in front of the company'spacked stores to plunk down big bucks for a product they despised.

Before stating what would become his abiding claim to fame, Val paused, looked around the room,the better to get their attention and keep the memory of this supreme moment forever green in hismind. Then he said

"To sell chocolates you must get women to tell men that the purchase of these chocolates and thesize of the box will be construed by every gal on earth as an indication of how ardently they aredesired, loved, and wanted. In short, the target for their advertising campaign would not be the menwho would actually buy the chocolates... but the women who would 'motivate' them to do so, inEVERY way at their command. Yes, in EVERY way."

Val then unveiled his first ad, a classic soon destined for the Advertising Hall of Fame. It went likethis:

"The size of the box", it read, "indicates how much he loves you."

The image showed two boxes of chocolate. The five-pound box had a big black X through it. The20-pound box was circled in a bright, bright red heart with exclamation point.

Just awesome!

Val's incredible idea at last gave women what they have always wanted, for thousands of years: away to know, to measure, even weigh just how much their menfolk REALLY love them; the proofto be as easy to acquire as the simple purchase of chocolates.

"Brilliant" was the least of it.

In the lives of each of us, there come but a handful of moments of transcendence, moments ofdestiny, moments you are surpassingly glad to be alive. Our man Val knew such a moment thisday... and as the astonished executives surged around him with their most ardent congratulations,they knew it, too. And immediately increased the box size and weight of their obnoxious product...for they knew at once that Val, their boy, was a genius. And so unanimously voted to create a daynamed for him -- St. Valentine's Day -- a day worth billions to love capitalists worldwide. It was theleast they could do

And so Val got filthy rich.

Every time a woman got a two-pound box of chocs from her beloved, she knew that the donor wasdead meat, a cheap, two-timin' low-life... who had then to go out and at once to get the 20 poundbox... thereby passing the loved test... and making Val richer and richer still. Eureka!

Of course, other companies watched this phenomenon, this cornucopia of riches with the closestconceivable attention; Val ensured they did, for in due course, he made sweet deals with florists,pastry companies, every diamond purveyor in the land... always with the same awesome results.

Which is why you'll live today like a cat on a hot tin roof, spending good money you don't have toappease the little woman who controls your life. Be sure, too, to sing "My Funny Valentine" theright way, the feminist way, with the words about you, not her, for women have always hated thistune and its cock-eyed sentiment.

Thus, "my looks are laughable, unphotographable...." because that's what she wants you to say, justafter she's looked at the size of the box.

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(You'll find the inimitable "My Funny Valentine", released 1940, in any search engine; music byRichard Rodgers, lyrics by Lorenz Hart. I prefer the original version -- and the original words -- byFrank Sinatra.)

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ResourceAbout The Author Harvard-educated Dr. Jeffrey Lant is CEO of Worldprofit, Inc., where small andhome-based businesses learn how to profit online. Dr. Lant is also the author of 18 best-sellingbusiness books.

Republished with author's permission by Elizabeth English http://LizsWorldprofit.com.

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Your Extreme Valentine, 2013