Your Family Picture

“In a world of too much information, Good Enough Parenting uses movies

to teach parents how to meet core needs, and, at the same time, how to avoid

passing down their own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy has been

successful with adults, but I have always wanted to see someone do something on

preventing schemas, or Lifetraps, in children, and here it is!”

~ Dr Jeffrey YoungDept of Psychiatry, Columbia University,

USAFounder, Schema Therapy

Parenting Mattersstory of my son/daughter…

(optional)

Subtle and Unintentional

Most mistakes in families are not made deliberately, but subtly and unintentionally and complete lack of awareness.

MOVIE MOMENT

Ordinary People

Breakfast scene

Subtle…lack of awareness…

Rudolf Dreikurs

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child…In a thousand subtle ways, by tone of voice and by action, we indicate to the child that we consider him inept, unskilled and generally inferior.” (p. 36-37).

Parenting Matters!

Parenting from the Bible

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

Ephesians 6:4

The first part is about what not to do, and the second part is about what to do.Fathers,

do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (NASB)And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (KJV)Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (NIV)

This Same Word Is Also Found in the Passage about Marriage

“…for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” Ephesians 5:29 NASB

ektrephōThe Greek word, translated “bring up” in Ephesians 6:4, and “nourishes” in Ephesians 5:29 is ἐκτρέφω or ektrephō (Strong’s 1625). It means:1) to nourish up to maturity, to nourish2) to nurture, bring up

Ephesians 5:29

When we think of the way this passage is used in Ephesians 5, where Paul says we take care of and nourish our own body, we can surmise that this means we provide our body with what it needs, not with what it wants. These needs are not just our spiritual needs, but our physical and emotional needs as well.

The Message of Eph 6 is:» DO NOT Exasperate » DO Meet their Needs

Intuitive or Counter-Intuitive?

Meeting emotional needs is not as easy and intuitive as meeting physical needs. For many parents (maybe most parents?), meeting the core emotional needs is actually counter-intuitive…

Ignorance & Lack of Training

The main causes of mistakes in parenting are ignorance and lack of training. Good Enough Parenting (GEP) overcomes the ignorance and provides the training!

GEP is built on:a. Biblical principles b. Schema therapyc. Credible researchd. Parenting experiencee. Clinical experience of professional

counsellors.

“GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING” MODEL

The Interplay of the Different Factors on the Outcome of Parenting

Lifetraps / Schemas When our core needs are not met, we

develop Maladaptive Schemas.

Schemas are deeply entrenched beliefs about ourselves and the world which we learn early in life.

They are broad themes made up of memories, emotions and cognitions.

Core Emotional Needs

Needs required in order to have healthy growth and not hurt others or self.

Should not give too much or too little; important to strike a balance.

As a plant needs water, air, nutrients and sunlight, children need these core emotional needs in order to grow and be healthy.

Core Emotional Needs

FOUR Maladaptive Schema Domains

1. Connection & Acceptance

1. Disconnection & Rejection

2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance

2. Impaired Autonomy & Performance

3. Reasonable Limits 3. Impaired Limits

4. Realistic Expectations

4. Exaggerated Expectations

Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community

CONNECTION AND ACCEPTANCE

Definition

The Core Emotional Need for Connection and Acceptance can be defined as the state a child lives in

when he feels completely attached to his parent in a healthy way, that he

belongs, and that he is accepted and loved unconditionally.

AtmosphereIn order for the CEN for Connection & Acceptance to be met, children need to consistently and at an emotional level hear and believe the following messages from and/or about their parents:

They are playful and spend time with me.

They miss me when I am not around.

They care about deep feelings, both mine and theirs.

They are proud of me even with my flaws.

They think I am special.

They talk to me in a respectful way.

They are truthful and honest with me.

They believe and guide me.

FOUR Maladaptive

Schema Domains

Schemas (Lifetraps)

1. Disconnection & Rejection

• Mistrust / Abuse

• Defectiveness / Shame

• Emotional Deprivation

• Social Isolation / Alienation

• Emotional Inhibition

• Failure

Research Reveals

Students who attended Harvard University 1952 and 1954 were asked about the quality of their relationships with their parents. Thirty-five years later, their medical records were collected. 87% who rated mothers and fathers low in parental caring had been diagnosed with diseases such as coronary artery disease, hypertension, duodenal ulcers and alcoholism in midlife. (cont’d)

Research Reveals (cont’d)

Only 25% of them with positive parental experiences had diagnosed diseases. This research took into account of family history, smoking behavior, the death and / or divorce of parents and marital history of the students.

Good Enough Parenting, page 70

Connection and Acceptance

Read Genesis 25:19-34» What were the strengths and weaknesses

of both Esau and Jacob?» In Genesis 25:28, how much do you think

that favoritism from the parents by Isaac and Rebekah on Esau and Jacob respectively affected the relationship between the two sons?

» Did Esau feel different-looking (“red”)? Did he feel accepted by Rebekah, or perhaps flawed inside? Did he feel like he “fit in”?

» How did Jacob feel not being able to match up with his brother’s hunting skills and adventurous spirit? Did he feel accepted by Isaac, or perhaps like there was something wrong with him?

» Speculate about how much the subject of the blessing to the oldest son, or birthright, might have been discussed and talked about among and between them as they grew up.

» Considering Jacob’s relationship with Isaac, which of Jacob’s core needs were probably not met by his dad?

» How may have this affected Jacob as a teenager growing up and later on as an adult?

» Considering Esau’s relationship with Rebekah, which of Esau’s core needs were probably not met?

» How may have this affected Esau as a teenager growing up and later on as an adult?

MOVIE MOMENT

Ordinary People

See the atmosphere of exasperation around the Christmas Tree and how it could cause lifetraps from the domain of Disconnection and Rejection…

» In GEP we will also learn about how to empathize with our child…

MOVIE MOMENTThe Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

Set in the 50s & 60s, this is a true story about a woman with ten children whose husband drank away his paycheck…This supermom supported her family of ten children by winning prizes for writing slogans. Here we see her meeting one of her children’s needs for Connection and Acceptance while dealing with a difficult milkman!

MOVIE MOMENTThe Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

Mother’s one-on-one time with feisty teenage daughter.

Practicals» Each child with each parent once a

week» Dinner 5 times a week (with devos for

younger children)» Connect with their highs and lows.

Accept their feelings but not necessarily their behavior. Mothers put kids to bed and take time (some of them talk at night)

» Empathize with them…

Practicals

» Empathize with them. Accept their feelings but not necessarily their behavior.

HEALTHY AUTONOMY & PERFORMANCE

Definition

The Core Emotional Need for Healthy Autonomy and Performance can be

defined as helping our children develop their own personalities, abilities, and self-confidence as they grow into separately

functioning adults.

Practicals

Atmosphere

In order for this need to be met satisfactorily, children need to consistently and on an emotional level believe the following messages because of the words and actions and atmosphere provided by their parents:

I am my own person with my own identity.

I can do many things by myself.

I am free to chart my own direction with guidance from trusted advisors.

I am free to have a different opinion than that of my parents.

I am allowed to go places on my own as long as I conduct myself responsibly. I think my parents worry about me when I am sick but not overly so.

My parents are proud of me.

My parents trust me to make wise choices and the trust grows each year as I prove myself in new situations.

In general, things in life will eventually turn out for the best.

People who are close to me will not leave me unless there is an unforeseen tragedy.

FOUR Maladaptive

Schema Domains

Schemas (Lifetraps)

2. Impaired Autonomy & Performance

• Vulnerability to Harm or Illness

• Dependence / Incompetence

• Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self

• Abandonment / Instability

• Subjugation

• Negativity / Pessimism

Healthy AutonomyRead Genesis 27-35. Look in Genesis 27:1-45» In light of the fact that Rebekah favored

Jacob, what did she focus on as Jacob was growing up?

» In light of the fact that Isaac favoured Esau, what did he focus on as Esau was growing up?

» What could we speculate about Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage relationship, given that each of them gravitated to Esau and Jacob respectively?

» When Isaac saw Rebekah’s obvious focus on Jacob, what did he do or not do about it?

» When Rebekah saw Isaac’s focus on Esau, did she do anything about it?

» How did Esau feel as a teenage boy growing up in the tents of his family, not being acquainted about how to take care of himself around the house, since he was known as a skillful hunter?

» How did Jacob feel as a teenage boy growing up about going hunting if he was known as a quiet person, staying among the tents?

» Did Jacob enjoy being this way?

» Did Rebekah dictate what kind of decisions Jacob needed to make in his own life? Did he feel subjugated by her?

» Look at the following passages in Genesis 27:5-13.

» Did Rebekah give Jacob any room for his own preferences and choices? Look in Gen 27:11-13

» Look again in Gen 27:41-45. How did Rebekah come across to Jacob? Was there room for Jacob’s preferences?

» Growing up under such a controlling mother, how did this affect Jacob?

» Look in Gen 29:14b-28.» When Jacob was tricked, how did he respond to

Laban being authoritarian and unfair in his dealing with him?

» Did Jacob resist being unfairly treated by a strong man like Laban (See Gen 29:28-30)?

» Did Laban sense that Jacob would be subjugated to his preferences while he was working with him for the first seven years?

» Did Jacob’s demeanor give Laban confidence to take advantage of Jacob, knowing he had problems having his own convictions or healthy autonomy?

» While Jacob was subjugated for years under Laban, was he ever able to see his mother, Rebekah, again? See Gen 35:27-28.

» Rebekah reaped what she sowed, the seeds of enmeshment and subjugation in Jacob.

» See Gen 31:6-7; how many times did Laban take advantage of Jacob?

» See Gen 31:20-21, 38; Jacob finally had the conviction to do what he felt was right, rather than giving into the preferences of others.

» While Jacob was subjugated to Laban, he also grew in his trust in God, seen in Gen 31:42.

Research Reveals

INTRINSIC MOTIVATION – DECI

Rigidity and inflexibility with children prevents the core emotional need of healthy autonomy and performance from being met, which in turn eats away at their inner motivation.

MOVIE MOMENT

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo

Father was overprotective…why?

He saw his wife eaten…

Practicals

1. Starts with Basic Safety

2. Age Appropriate Choices

3. Communicate Like You Are on the Same Team

4. Parents Must Keep Their Own Agenda In Check

REASONABLE LIMITS

Definition

The Core Emotional Need for Reasonable Limits can be defined as giving our children a sense of

right and wrong, a sense of boundaries, the tools they need to get along in the world, and how to

work well with others.

Atmosphere

In order for the CEN for Reasonable Limits to be met, children need to consistently and at an emotional level hear and believe the following messages about or from their parents:

They challenge me in a respectful and loving manner when I get out of control, such as when I am angry or impulsive.

They guide and encourage me to persevere with a task even when I feel frustrated.

They challenge and guide me when I use hurtful words.

They expect me to be wise when choosing my closest friends, and to say “No” to some of my friends when necessary.

They encourage me to consider multiple factors to avoid making a rash decision.

They say “no” when it is the best for me, in a firm, but not in a harsh way.

They do not let me have my own way all the time.

They expect me to be responsible and contribute to the well-being of our home, such as by doing chores.

FOUR Maladaptive

Schema Domains

Schemas (Lifetraps)

3. Impaired Limits

• Entitlement / Grandiosity

• Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline

• Approval-Seeking / Recognition-Seeking

Reasonable Limits among the Patriarchs

Read Hebrews 12:14-17, Gen 26:34-35, 27:41-45, 28:6-9» What does the writer in Hebrews

say about Esau?» What did his parents do that

prevented him from learning how to be self-controlled?

» Did Esau ever learn to persevere with a task when it got too difficult?

» How many women did Esau marry by the time he was forty years old? What does this reveal about his character?

» How did Esau handle anger and conflict with his brother?

» Did Isaac pass down good moral values to Esau through the years?

» Esau was not that disturbed when he did not please his parents, seen in Gen 26:34-35. How could this have come about? Could his lack of closeness to his mother and being outdoors a lot contributed to this over the years?

Research Reveals

A longitudinal study out of Stanford University found that “young children who were able to resist grabbing a fluffy marshmallow placed in front of them for 15 long minutes in order to get two of them (afterwards) scored an average of 210 points higher on the SAT (US college entrance exam).”Good Enough Parenting, page 212

Research Reveals

Self-discipline, measured at the outset of the school year, beat IQ in predicting more variance in each of these outcomes: report-card grades, standardized achievement-test scores, admission to a competitive high school, and attendance.

A persuasive new study that followed 1,000 children from birth to 32 (cont’d)

Research Reveals (cont’d)

found that, “Children who showed early signs of self-mastery were not only less likely to have developed addictions or committed a crime by adulthood, but were also healthier and wealthier than their more impulsive peers.”

Good Enough Parenting, page 218

MOVIE MOMENT

Parenthood

While hanging out at their parent’s home, brother (Adam) and sister (Sarah) discuss parenting their respective teenage daughters (Haddie and Amber).

Practicals

» 1. Our Priorities » 2. Basic Safety in areas such as

internet usage and access» 3. Awareness of the Vortex» 4. Help the Engage Cooperation» 5. Discipline and Consequences

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

DefinitionThe Core Emotional Need for Realistic Expectations can be

defined as helping your children to understand what is expected of

them, while giving them the freedom to be themselves. It involves fine

tuning expectations in order to truly inspire and motivate your child.

Atmosphere

In order for the CEN for Realistic Expectations to be met, children need to consistently and at an emotional level hear and believe the following messages from and about their parents:

They have realistic expectations and they know my strengths and weaknesses.

They encourage me to do my best, while letting go of perfectionistic expectations.

They help me to achieve balance between work and play.

Their love for me is not based on the outcome of my achievements at school.

They value my strengths and aspirations even though they may be different from theirs and not as recognised by society.

They give me the benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong.

They guide me in taking care of myself and endeavour to ensure that I enjoy life.

They truly forgive me when I mess up.

FOUR Maladaptive

Schema Domains

Schemas (Lifetraps)

4. Exaggerated Expectations

• Unrelenting Standards / Hypercriticalness

• Punitiveness

• Self-Sacrifice

Realistic Expectations among the PatriarchsRead Gen 29:14b – 30:1-24, Gen 32:1 - 33:1-20, Gen 35:16-20» Rachel said, “Give me children, or I’ll

die”, is it wrong to be desperate to have children?

» What message did she believe about not having children?

» What happened to her in Gen 30:1? Was this connected to her earlier statement?

» Compare the first born (Reuben) and the fourth born (Judah)? Through whose line of descendants did Jesus and David come from?

» What does this show about how God works?» Was the first born that much more special?» Was God able to work through Leah even though

she was not favored by Jacob in the same way as Rachel?

» For first world nations, exagerated expectations causes unhealthy amount of stress in children.

Research RevealsSLEEP DEPRIVATIONStaying awake for 24 hours in a row is on par with legal intoxication with alcohol in impairing performances.Sleeping six hours per night for two weeks causes a similar level of impairment as staying awake for 24 hours. (cont’d)

Research RevealsSLEEP DEPRIVATIONSingapore leads the way. Singaporean children (ages 2-6) get an average of two hours less sleep than their peers in Switzerland.

Lack of sleep from ages 12-14 is related to suicidal thoughts by the ages of 15-17Lack of sleep is related to anxiety disorder.

Unrelenting standards from schools and parents are related to these threats to our children’s Basic Safety!

Practicals

» 1. Identify Your Child’s Gift and Talents» 2. Basic Safety» 3. Effort versus Results

SPIRITUAL VALUES AND COMMUNITY

Definition

The Plus One Core Emotional Need for Spiritual

Values and Community in a Christian context

can be defined as helping children have a

connection with God The Father, God The Son,

and God The Holy Spirit based on the teachings

of the bible, as well as a connection with like-

minded people in the family of God, the body of

Christ, which is His church.

Atmosphere

In order for the plus one CEN for Spiritual Values & Community to be met, children need to consistently and at an emotional level hear and believe the following messages from and/or about their parents:

They love God and their relationship with God is their number one priority.

They base their lives on God’s word and the principles therein, and they expect my siblings and me to do the same.

They want me to have a relationship with God because they love me and want the best for me, but they want me to do that in my own time and with my own personal convictions.

They love being a part of the community of the church.

They make sure that I get to spend lots of time with my friends from church as well as letting me go for sleepovers with church friends.

They encourage me to go to Christian camps and meet Christian kids from other cities and even other countries.

They encourage me to help the less fortunate, read my Bible and pray, and share about God with my friends if I am comfortable doing so.

“Views and Values”

Shaping our children’s belief systems and values.

It’s not a “one time talk”;

Talking and Walking

Joshua 24:3131 Israel served the LORD throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had experienced everything the LORD had done for Israel.

Judges 2:10

After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel.

The Patriarchs: Passing Down the Dysfunction» Abraham» Isaac» Jacob/Esau» Twelve Sons of Jacob

1. Favoritism » 1st Generation – Abraham Genesis 21:8-11

The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. 9 But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, 10 and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac."  11 The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son.

» 2nd Generation – Isaac Genesis 25:27-2827 The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. 28 Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.» 3rd Generation – Jacob Genesis 37:3-43 Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. 4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.

» 4th Generation – Joseph Genesis 48:17-1817 When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim's head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father's hand to move it from Ephraim's head to Manasseh's head. 18 Joseph said to him, "No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head.”

 

2. Handled Conflict» 1st Generation – Abraham Genesis 21:10-11,1410 and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.” 11 The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. 14 Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the desert of Beersheba.

 

» 2nd Generation – Isaac Genesis 27:42-4342 When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, "Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you. 43 Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at once to my brother Laban in Haran.

» 3rd Generation – Jacob Genesis 37:26-2726 Judah said to his brothers, "What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? 27 Come, let's sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood." His brothers agreed.

3. Children Living in Hostility» 1st Generation – Abraham Genesis 25:18b18 His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward all their brothers.» 2nd Generation – Isaac Genesis 27:4141 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

» 3rd Generation – Jacob Genesis 45:4-54 Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! 5 And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.

Practicals1. Help Your Child in…» The way they view God» The way they view themselves» The way they view right and wrong» The way they view others» The way they view conflict in

relationships, forgiveness and reconciliation

» The way they view repentance.

Practicals

2. The Importance of a Functional Community

MOVIE MOMENT

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

Meeting the plus one core need for Spiritual Values and Community – walking the talk.

Power of Community

Peter Block says, “Community is a place where we belong… and that it is the opposite of thinking that wherever I am, I would be better off somewhere else. Or that I am still forever wandering, looking for that place where I belong.”

He also says that among a community’s citizens, there is a fostering of a sense of emotional ownership and accountability. (Community)

Research Reveals

“Teens who had at least one adult from their religious community make a significant time investment in their lives also were more likely to keep being a part of that community in adulthood. Of that number, more of them said – by a margin of 46 percent to 28 percent – that five or more adults from their religious community had invested time with them personally and spiritually.” – Lifeway Research, 2007

Ephesians 4:16

From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Power of Community

• Adolescents are close to Adolescents• Their parents are close to one another• Their parents are close to Youth Workers• Adolescents are close to Youth Workers

The Power of Spiritual Values and Community

Let’s be a community that together meets this core emotional need! Let’s fight for each other’s children!

MOVIE MOMENT

Parenthood

Values and Community: post-car accident scenes – hospital, home, and community to the rescue

Exasperation Interactions

» These are what causes the Core Emotional Needs from being met adequately.

» Many parents are just no conscious of their incompetence.

» You will pay the price of your incompetence and lack of awareness

Do Not Exasperate!

This has been proven by the work of many gifted parent educators and writers over the last fifty years. 

» Rudolf Dreikurs » Haim Ginnot » David Elkind» Adele Faber and

Elaine Mazlish» John Gottman» Jeffrey Young

David Elkind

“In effect, adolescents pay us back in the teen years for all the sins, real or imagined, that we have committed against them when they were children.”

Exasperation Interactions result in Frustration of Core Emotional Needs &

Trauma

Exasperation Interactions

1. Belittling

2. Perfectionistic and Conditional

3. Controlling

4. Punitive

5. Dependent and Selfish

6. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

7. Overprotective

8. Pessimistic

9. Overly Permissive

Belittling

When parents make fun of their children, call them names, make derogatory remarks, disparage their children's appearance, humiliate them, through verbal or non-verbal communication, even unintentionally,

…children feel belittled.

Research Reveals

Study in 2006 by Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital highlighted that demeaning or belittling words contribute more to children’s dysfunction than harsh physical punishment!

Good Enough Parenting, page 51

Examples of Belittling Statements

“If you don’t improve your grades, how will you fit in the family?”

“If you don’t make the cut, I don’t know how to face the relatives.”

“You have the table manners of a pig.”

Perfectionistic and Conditional

Children will be exasperated by their parents when they feel they can never measure up to a perfectionistic ideal. Parents who cause this kind of frustration care about how they are perceived by others, how they look in society. They demand perfection and are only satisfied when things go a certain way (and children rarely match these kinds of expectations)…The ones who do, feel loved only to an extent.

Examples of Perfectionistic and Conditional Statements

“You think YOU feel bad about your grades… How do you think it makes ME feel?”

“I have no tolerance when you focus on your feelings. It makes you look weak.”

“You are too easily satisfied. This is your problem.”

“Do you have any idea how much we have sacrificed for you? Do you know how we feel when you don’t score top grades?” (or come in first at the swimming competition or get the scholarship or whatever.)

Controlling

Parents who exasperate their children in this way may be driven by the enmeshment lifetrap or the desire to control. They do not permit their children to feel differently from them, but rather dictate how they should feel and think.

Examples of Controlling Statements

“I need to teach you to think and feel like me. Then you’ll learn and grow up.”

“You need to be loyal, so stop thinking and feeling differently, and do as I say.” (Pulling out the loyalty card frequently).

“Let me decide which extra curricular activity you should sign up for. I know what is best for you, so do what I tell you.”

Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

Parents who fall into this type of interaction do not like or do not know how to talk about heart issues. Life is about getting things done. Alternatively, parents who fall into this trap often want their children to learn how to behave and be calm…

Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

They do not like loud noise, including children crying. Their philosophy is, “Children are to be seen and not heard”. They feel uncomfortable with both the high and low emotions – they do not encourage children to laugh out loud, play loud games, or have friends over often, and…

Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

There are other reasons why a parent may emotionally deprive their children. Being busy with work or being depressed in their marriage can contribute to this.

Examples of Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting Statements

“We know best. So just listen and obey.”

“If you are going to talk about your feelings, then just go to mum.” (father talking to his children).

“Take life as it comes. Life is like that unfortunately. These things happen.”

“Why are you so excited? Calm down.”

“What did you do wrong first? Admit that before anything, otherwise let’s not talk about your feelings.”

MOVIE MOMENT

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

When parents have met the core emotional needs of their children, they are not afraid when it’s time for their kids to leave the nest…

Repair and Reconnection

» Reconnection comes primarily from how well our relationship with our adolescents are repaired.

» Then we can forgive and be genuinely reconciled.

Repair and Reconnect

Healing and reconciliation come from:» Gaining Awareness through self-reflection

and taking feedback from others.» Being Vulnerable and Exiting from the Vortex» Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Vortex of Conflict Escalation

Comes from a clash between the Parent’s Expectations and the Core Emotional Needs of the child not being met, and their respective coping styles.

Core Emotional Needs Parent’s Expectations

1. Connection & Acceptance

1. Connection

2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance

2. Growth & Performance

3. Reasonable Limits 3. Responsibility & Respect

4. Realistic Expectations

Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community

MOVIE MOMENT We Bought A Zoo

Exasperation Interaction in the car

MOVIE MOMENT

We Bought a Zoo

Repair and ReconnectionHaving Courage – 20 Seconds