your kids are awesome chapter 3

7/21/2019 Your Kids are Awesome Chapter 3

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23YOUR KIDS ARE AWESOME!

www.deckofawesome.com

As a busy parent, you’ve probably already noticed that your kidshave certain sticking points during the course o the day that

always degenrate into a battle o wills. Whether it’s reusing to eat

properly at the table or getting them into bed, don’t panic! Te

act is: kids (even Awesome ones) look at lie a little differently

than adults do. And ofen its this difference in perspective that

leads to loggerheads.

Here are a ew o the areas we know parents have the most trouble

with.

Did you know that more than 60% o the time children don’t

comply the first time they’re asked to do something? O course

you did. You’re a parent! Ignoring you, getting sidetracked, or

just outright reusal to do something suddenly becomes par or

the course or your little Awesome Monster.

So what’s that all about? At around the age o two kids begin to

sense they’re separate rom the big people, and to experiment

saying: “No!”. Tis is your child beginning to develop healthy

assertiveness skills, and personal boundaries.

Chapterthree

Dealing with Difficult

Behavior and Rein-

forcing the Good

No!





And remember, their reusal isn’t just bald defiance, it’s also thethe start o a child’s understanding o negotiation and problem

solving.

As inconvenient and downright stressul as it is, we all want our

children to be able to think or themselves and to stand up or

what they believe in when they’re adults.

Knowing when to stand your ground is an important skill which

will help them navigate their way through disagreements with

others. It’s a skill best taught at home, where people love and

support them and can help them to orm coping strategies. It’s

better than being taught by other kids, who also want their own

way, and haven’t learned these skills yet either.

O course, no one’s suggesting that every time they assert them-

selves, they get what they want. Te world doesn’t work that way

or anyone, no matter how old you are.

But it’s perhaps reassuring to know that kids saying no, or not

complying immediately, is normal and typically occurs with

nearly all o then more than hal the time they’re asked or told to

do something.

Luckily, the Awesome Deck o Awesome can help you reduce the

requency o those no’s significantly, by shifing the ocus onto

something they want and are motivated to work or: an Awesome

card!





I you’re a kid, that is.

Getting kids to hurry up is a source o stress in many amilies, or

both parents and children. But remember, kids don’t think about

time the way adults do. Period.

Tink back to when you were a child and it was the last day o

school beore the holidays, when you had the eeling o the sum-

mer stretching endlessly out beore you, and how now, you blink,

and the summer has passed. ime was simply a different concept

back then.

Kids live much more in the now than we adults do. Tey get

totally engrossed in what they’re doing at that moment, and all

else ades away.

Partly because their brains are still under construction, they really

do think differently than we adults do… they are not just smaller

versions o us.

When trying to cajole a kid to up-the-pace, it really helps to get

their attention ocused, and some strategies or this include:

• Touching them gently on the shoulder

• Ensuring eye contact (so you know they’re present)

• Telling them what you need in short simple sentences

• Having them repeat what you just said, so you know theyheard and understood

• When they’re ready, reinforcing that good behavior with an

Awesome card!

Time is on your side





Another strategy you might want to try is walking them back-

wards through what needs to be done - allowing them to fill in theblanks and internalize the steps...

“I we want to see Daddy, we have to get to the station beore his

train arrives. What do we need to do to get ready?”

“Get our shoes on?”

“Yup! And what else?”

“Our coats?”

“And what do we need to put away beore we can do those

things?”

“My puzzle?”

“Tat’s right! And i we can get that done in the next 5 minutes,

I’ve got an Awesome card or you!”

Tere can come a time when waking your child up is harder than

getting them to go to sleep! Some kids are morning birds and will

be up with the dawn. In these cases, an Awesome card or staying

quietly in their bedroom until it’s time to get up can be helpul!

But some are slow to transition between sleeping and wakeulness.

For these children, rushing them gets them up on the wrong side

o the bed!

Tips for Managing Difficult Risers:

• Help them choose and lay out what they want to wear the

next day the night before. Have everything ready.

• Give them more time – start waking them earlier, let them

wake up naturally, and gradually.

• Wake them one sense at a time. Try humming quietly as

you go into their bedroom, open the curtains a bit to let

Getting a Sleepyhead

out of Bed





in some light, then say good morning. You could then try

tickling them, or rubbing their back, or singing to themsoftly.

• Bring them a small glass of juice, or a bit of fruit if that

helps, to put by their bedside for when they’re ready for it.

• Try having a ‘beat the clock’ race when getting dressed or

get them to beat their own previous record.

• Have a no TV in the morning rule – it causes way too many

issues. At the very least, ensure they don’t get plugged

in to TV or tech toys until after they’ve completed all their

morning routines (including getting dressed, personal hy-

giene routines, breakfast and getting their backpack ready

for school.

Remember that all o these issues can be set it up as a regular

Awesome goal to be overcome and rewarded or success. Ten

watch how this motivates them to complete the task and eel good

about their accomplishment!

Some mornings, it may seem that you just can’t get the children

out the door. Whenever you have complex routines where a series

o steps need be completed, give an Awesome card afer each step

o the getting ready process. For example:

One card or getting dressed.

One card or teeth brushing.

One card or showing up at the breakast table.

One card or getting coats and shoes on and books collected.

Te night beore, place a card on their dresser, by the sink, at the

table, and on their books, as a reminder o what needs to be done.

Morning Routines





Again, when they’re first learning these skills, and practicing thesequence (or example as preschoolers), try ocusing on one skill

at a time. Give one card immediately afer they complete each

step, even i you need to verbally remind them.

Ten, as they begin to understand the pattern o what you want,

you can decrease your presence and reminders, still giving the

cards when they’ve completed the needed routine.

What’s helpul here is the consistency and predictability in your

expectations. Give them opportunities to remember it themselves

whenever possible.

Afer you’ve helped them to learn these skills, you’ll also want to

encourage more independent behavior choices. Again, when they

are young, to help them with this, you can use a visual reminder

or them – create a chart (with photos rom a magazine perhaps)

o each o the steps they need to take in the morning such asgetting up, choosing their clothes, getting dressed, brushing their

teeth and hair, washing their ace and hands, eating breakast,

getting their coats and shoes on etc.

Put the chart on the ridge and get them a small magnet so they

can move the magnet afer they accomplish each task. Beore they

leave in the morning, award them with a card or each o their

Awesome accomplishments.

As children get older, and more amiliar with completing the

routines independently, change the goal so that they only get the

card i you don’t have to tell them to do these things. Set it up the

first couple o days and then see how they do, awarding a card or





every small task completed.

For pre-school children, give the cards as closely as possible to the

time they’ve earned it. Tis helps them to develop the connection

between their behavior (cause) and getting the card (effect).

For older children, rather than giving the cards immediately, you

can wait until the evening and then make an elaborate show o

explaining how they earned each card, and also give them tips

on how to remember the other (missed) steps. Tey’ll go to bed

pumped and eager to perorm even better the next day!

I probably don’t need to tell you that or many children (and their

parents), bedtimes can be the most challenging time o the day.

For the under 5 year olds, the daytime world is still a magical

place, where things happen randomly. Remember that they hav-

en’t yet grasped cause and effect.

Your attempts to reason with them and explain that they’ll be tired

in the morning will all on dea ears (and sometimes a howling

mouth!). Tey just don’t want to be separated rom the action and

lie alone in the dark, and at that young age who can blame them?

Tey have to relinquish what tenuous bit o power they eel they

have in the world.

Not only that, when the darkness descends, even their riendly

bedroom and toys can take on a sinister look. Monsters could be

lurking under the bed, or in the closet, and their primary source

o comort (you!) isn’t there to protect them.

Te bedtime avoidance dance is a critically important one to nip

Bedtimes - Just Set-

tle Down and go to

Sleep!!!





in the bud, not only or your own sanity, but to prevent your child

eeling anxious and to give them the benefit o a good nights restwith as little trauma as possible.

So, how best can this be done?

Have a solid, predictable wind down routine. ypically, this

involves:

• Letting them know in advance that bedtime is coming

• Having a light healthy snack

• Getting their glass of water, or whatever it is that they usu-

ally demand after they’ve been tucked in

• A warm bath can help if they find this soothing rather than

energizing – this is not the time for bath-tub typhoons, tida

waves and other natural disasters!

• Brushing their teeth and washing their face

• Quiet time unplugged from tech-toys or tv

• A quiet one-on-one activity such as reading a book togeth-

er, or playing a quiet game in their bedroom (preferably in

bed). This is an opportunity for quality time together. It

doesn’t need to be long – 10 minutes for a story, or even a

half an hour long chat if you both really enjoy it.

• An ending ritual to clearly signal the end of the bedtime.

My mom used to have five different kinds of kisses, includ-

ing nose-rubs, and eyelash [butterfly] kisses which we’d

do on each other’s cheeks. But you can adapt this to have

a special series of handshakes, or a backrub, a well-loved

song you sing to them, or tracing ‘I love you’ on their back

with your finger, one letter at a time. Whatever you choose

together, make it your nightly ritual.





Stick to your goodnight boundaries. Some parents do this by

ignoring their child’s ongoing efforts to re-engage them afer lightsout, and sometimes it’s necessary. However, the use o Awesome

cards as a reward or staying in bed quietly and alling asleep can

also produce dramatically successul results (when the card is

awarded the next morning!).

Tere can be lots o issues associated with mealtimes, resulting in

the table becoming real battlegrounds or some amilies.

In terms o ood, some kids are just pickier than others. Usually,

this is because they hate the textures or taste. Kids have sensitive

tastebuds and taste ood ar more intensely than adults.

oo many rules can also cause ructions, or example: “You must

eat every bit off your plate beore leaving the table” or “You must

eat everything we do, even i you hate liver, brussel sprouts, etc.”

Tese methods can sometimes can create anxiety and instantreflexive resistance in kids.

Remember that i given space, their ood preerences will naturally

change and shif over time and, as their palate develops, previous-

ly disliked oods may become acceptable to their tastebuds.

Family mealtimes – a dying art?

In this fast-paced world where everyone is multi-task-

ing, the opportunity for eating together as a family

also seems to be disappearing, as reported in the

British newspaper, the Daily Mail (2010). Research

conducted amongst 3,000 U.K. adults found: “Al-

though 94 per cent of people reckon the evening

Mealtimes





meal is a great time for families to catch up together”

very few people actually achieve this. Those who domanage to sit at the table together don’t always have

the quality time together; thanks to their devices.

• More than a third of adults and children watch TV

while sat at the dinner table.

• Another eighteen percent make phone calls or send

text messages on their mobile.

• Sixteen percent read a book or magazine instead ofhaving a conversation with their loved ones.

• While nine percent admitted to playing computer

games.

Child Psychologist Richard Woolfson, commented

that the Bisto Aah Night survey sadly confirms that

the traditional family meal is in decline.

But here’s why allowing family meals to become

obsolete is not a good idea: Huffington Post author

Timi Gustafson (2012) reported that “studies have

shown time and again that eating together has multi-

ple benefits for everyone involved, but especially for

children; and not only for nutritional purposes but in

many other aspects as well. According to a number

of reports issued by the National Center on Addictionand Substance Abuse at Columbia University(CASA),

children who eat at least five times a week with their

family are at lower risk of developing poor eating

habits, weight problems or alcohol and substance

dependencies; and tend to perform better academ-





ically than their peers who frequently eat alone or

away from home.”9

Also, author Miriam Weinstein concurs in her book

titled “The Surprising Power of Family Meals”, “The

dinner table can be the perfect environment where

kids learn how to conduct conversations, observe

good manners, serve others, listen, solve conflicts and

compromise.”10

Obviously, there are many reasons or working to ensure your

amily gets to experience the pleasures and learning opportunities

that can be associated with enjoying regular meals together. So,

try to:

• Ensure regular opportunities or eating together

• Focus on eating and sharing about your day, rather than

multi-tasking: don’t allow reading or the use o devices

• Make watching a movie or tv together part o your evening

routines, rather than part o your regular mealtimes

• And avoid having battles over ood

Work with your child on all these areas, as needed, using Awe-

some cards as rewards. Remember, mealtimes are meant to be

or sharing together, both ood and conversation. Tey provide

an intimate opportunity or sharing your day’s experiences andnurturing your child.

And… your children may actually thank you or this! Te Bisto

Aah Night survey (2010) results reported that “two thirds o kids

yearn or a return to the traditional amily dinner time”. It seems





they too are looking or ways to strengthen amily relationships,

by spending quality time together.11

We all know that it can be challenging to corral your child when

out in public, especially when they’re disinclined to cooperate.

Tis can run the gamut rom your being out at a riend’s together,

at a sporting event, out shopping or some necessity other than

your child’s priority o the latest toy, at a relative’s. It might even

just be at the local park when playing with other kids.

Again, kids aren’t little adults in terms o how they perceive and

process inormation. Developing the skills to delay their gratifica-

tion, to cooperate when something doesn’t interest them, or to get

along with another child who’s being unruly or obnoxious is all

part o their learning curve.

One means o avoiding trouble is by pre-planning your trip. Set

a goal with your child, outlining the desired behavior and thenumber o cards they will earn. Discuss the potential challenges

and pre-solve options or dealing with these obstacles. Ten agree

on the number o cards your child can earn or managing his or

her behavior during the trip.

ake along the deck, so you can give immediate rewards especially

i your child is really young, or i behavior in public is a significant

hurdle.

For older children, the rewarding o cards can be on your return

home, i that method works or you. Remember, delayed gratifica-

tion can be quite challenging or children. Sometimes just receiv-

ing the card provides enough motivation to keep them going in a

Out and About




positive direction.

In the ollowing chapters we give plenty o examples o how to use

the Awesome Deck in innovative ways, rom making up games

to reward systems. Feel ree to try out new techniques; mix and

match to discover what is best or your own Awesome Kids!

Our list is by no means all-encompassing. Te ways you can use

the Awesome cards are limited only by your creativity, imagina-

tion, and the needs o your amily. You know your children best

in terms o both their strengths and their stages o learning.

We encourage you to invent your own uses or the cards and to

share them with all o us on our website deckoAwesome.com

your kids are awesome chapter 3

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