Most common conflicts◦ Division of labour (chores!!!)◦ Expressive quality of the relationship

(Holloway, 2003, p. 216)

Problems in first five years of marriage◦Related to time, sex, and money Balancing job and family Frequency of sexual relations Debt brought into marriage Husband’s employment Financial situation Household tasks

(Holloway, 2003, p. 217)

1. Criticism◦The act of finding fault or judging unfairly

2. Contempt◦A feeling of disdain or scorn

3. Defensiveness◦Seeing yourself as a victim and warding off a perceived attack

4. Stonewalling◦Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict

◦Considered the most dangerous

“More than 80% of the time it’s the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn’t a symptom of a troubled marriage –it’s true in most happy marriages as well.”

(Gottman, 1999, p. 115)

Perpetual Problems◦69% of couple’s problems◦Examples One wants a baby, one doesn’t feel ready yet, and doesn’t know when they might be ready

He wants to raise their children Jewish, she wants to raise them Catholic

(Gottman, 1999, p. 115)

“...you don’t have to resolve yourmajor marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive....Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are the ones you can cope with.”

(Gottman,1999, p. 131)

Unstable marriages◦Perpetual problems lead to gridlock Spin their wheels Same conversation over and over Feel increasingly hurt & frustrated

Leads to feeling rejected

Solvable problemsCan also lead to difficultiesParticularly if couple has not learned how to deal effectively with conflict (differences)

Telling the difference(not always easy!)

“Cliff and Lynn agree that it’s Cliff’s job to take out the kitchen trash every evening after dinner. But lately he’s been so distracted by a big deadline looming at work that he forgets. Either Lynn ends up throwing out the garbage herself or the trash just sits there. By morning the apartment smells like a city dump and Lynn is in a rage.”

(Gottman, 1999, pp. 135-136)

“Elise wants to spend less time with Joel and more time with her friends. Joel says this makes him feel abandoned. Elise says that she needs more time away from him. He seems very needy to her, and she’s feeling suffocated by him.”

(Gottman, 1999, p. 136)

“Whenever Brian and Allyssa have a disagreement, he quickly raises his voice. Allyssa feels intense stress when he yells and tells him to stop. Brian says he doesn’t see anything wrong with yelling when he’s upset. Allyssa starts to cry and tells him she can’t take it. So they find themselves fighting over his yelling rather than whatever issue they.”

(Gottman, 1999, p. 137)

Step 1Soften your start-up

Complain but don’t blameMake “I” statementsDescribe what is happeningBe clearBe politeBe appreciativeDon’t store things up

Step 2Learn to make and receive repair attempts

Getting the message throughI feelI need to calm downSorryGetting to YesStop ActionI appreciate

Step 3Soothe yourself and each other

-It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a

woman’s

Step 4 Compromise

Step 5 Be tolerant of each other’s faults

Given my type and my experience I make this conflict plan:

1.

2.

Be specific: when ... happens I will...

“The prevalence of exposure to intimate partner violence throughout the lifetime has most often been estimated at 25% in the United States and Canada....Adding to the perverse nature of abuse of women by intimate partners is the reality that leaving the relationship often does little to reduce risk” (Janssen et al., 2005, p. 62)

“Certainly, the other major finding of the past 20 years is that women are much more likely to be harmed inside an intimate relationship than by a stranger....for most women and many men, statistically the most dangerous place to be is at home, and the most dangerous people to be around are family and friends.” (Schwartz, 2005, p. 9)

“Russell’s landmark study of community women in San Francisco revealed that 24% or women had experienced a completed rape and 44% had experienced an attempted rape. Koss and her colleagues conducted a national survey of college women and found that 1 in 4 had experienced rape or attempted rape in their lifetimes and 84% of the women knew their attacker.”

(Campell & Wasco, 2005, p. 128)

Spousal abuse was first defined as a problem in the 1970’s

The expression “rule of thumb” dates back to the 19th century and gave a man the right to use a stick no thicker than his thumb to punish his wife, children and servants

Early in the 20th century women who left their husbands were guilty of desertion & lost all rights to custody of their children & to support

In the mid 20th century domestic violence was considered to be private matter & police could lay charges only if they witnessed the abuse

Now – spousal violence is defined as assault & the police are required to respond to calls and to lay charges if there is evidence of assault

IncidentOf

Abuse

ReconciliationPeriod

OfCalm

TensionBuilding

Sexual Assaults Has your partner:

Pressured you for sex when you did not want it?Manipulated or coerced you into sex at a time or in

a way that you did not want?Injured you sexually? Forced you to have unsafe

sex? Prevented you from using birth control?Humiliated you in a sexual manner?

Emotional and Psychological Assaults Has your partner:

Threatened violence against you, the children, others, him/herself?

Used violence against the children, family, friends, or others?

Attacked property or pets, stalked, harassed or intimidated you in any other way?

Humiliated you? What names or putdowns does your partner use against you?

Attempted to isolate you, attempted to control your time, activities, friends? Does he follow you, listen to telephone calls, or open mail?

Emotional and Psychological Assaults (cont)Kept you away from your family, friends, or

neighbours?Prevented you from going somewhere you wanted to

go?Threatened to hurt someone you love?Threatened to make you lose your job?Threatened to have you committed to a mental

institution?Threatened to out you as a lesbian to your work,

family, others?Threatened suicide if you did not comply with

something?

Economic Coercion Has your partner:

Tried to control you through money?Prevented you from getting a job?Spent joint assets without consulting?Intentionally not contributed to supporting the

family?Taken your money or pay cheque?Have you been kept from access to money?

Use of Children to Control Partner Has your partner:

Threatened or used violence against the children in order to make you comply?

Used the children against you?Used your children to keep track of what you are

doing when partner is away?Used the children to relay messages, needs, and

demands to you?Threatened to harm the children? Interfered with the

care of the children?

Use of Children to Control Partner (cont)Has your partner:Made the children watch or participate in you being

abused? Made the children spy on you?Threatened to report you to the CAS? Have you

reported your partner?Does your partner sabotage your parenting?

Obstruct visitation?

Physical Assaults Has your partner:

ever used physical force against you?pushed, slapped, shoved, kicked, shaken, or

grabbed you?restrained you, blocked your way, pinned you

down?assaulted you physically in any other way?lifted a hand as if to hit you? implied that he had “connections” that could be

used against you?

“The silence on violence against women in the global community was first broken at the United Nations Human Rights Forum in Vienna in 1993.”

(Javed & Gerrard, 2006, p. 33)

Campbell, R. & Wasco, S. M. (2005). Understanding rape and sexual assault: 20 years of progress and future directions. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 20, 127-131.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marrige work. New York:Three Rivers Press.

Holloway, M. (2003). Individuals and families in a diverse society. Toronto: McGraw Hill.

Janssen, P. A., Nicholls, T. L., Kumar, R. A., Stefanakis, H., Spidel, A. L., & Simpson, E. M. (2005). Of mice and men: Will the intersection of social science and genetics create new approaches for intimate partner violence? Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 20, 61-71.

Javed, N. & Gerrard, N. (2006). Bound, bonded, and battered: Immigrant and visible minority women’s struggle to cope with violence. In M. R. Hampton & N. Gerrard (Eds.), Intimate partner violence: Reflections on experience, theory, and policy (pp. 33-46). Toronto: Cormorant Books.

Schwartz, M. D. (2005). The past and the future of violence against women. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 20, 7-11.