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National Portage AssociationAnnual Conference 2010

Always, Often, Sometimes – revisiting our principles around

relationships with children

Dr Simon Burnham Educational Psychologist

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I aim to cover …

If I had a superpower …

Our beliefs and principles

Why don’t behaviour strategies work?

Always, Often, Sometimes

The simple ingredients of a happy life

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The future looks … interesting.

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‘The telephone will prove so valuable that I expect every town will want at least two.’

Alexander Graham Bell 1876

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‘Guitar music is on the way out …’

Decca Records 1962

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‘We will not see a woman prime minister in my lifetime.’

Margaret Thatcher 1974

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There has never been a better time to re-visit our principles.

When the future looks ‘interesting’, principles keep

you grounded.

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What goes on in

there?

What are your ‘unshakeable’ beliefs about children?

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Any idea how I get this big cuddly thing to work?

What will happen

if …?

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Broad principles …

Children try to get their needs met through a ‘What will happen if …’ approach.

A thousand mini-experiments a day!!!

If something ‘works’, they’ll do it again!

‘Children don’t set out to create problems,

they set out to create solutions to problems’

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Broad principles …

All behaviour has to be understood in context: Time, place, persons present, persons absent, previous events, likely consequences.We are profoundly social animals, and the biggest influences on our behaviour are the relationships we have with other people.

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The only piece of parenting advice my Dad ever gave me

Remember son: they live with you, you don’t live with them.

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We know so much about children’s thoughts, feelings and behaviour – why is it still such a struggle sometimes to build the relationships we want with them, and encourage them to behave appropriately?

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‘When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.’

John Muir 1911

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The things we do sometimes, and the things we do often, only ‘work’ because of the things we always do.

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… always

… often

… sometimes?

Relationships – what things should we do …

A O S

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Always

Sometimes

Often

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… always

… often

… sometimes

Try comparing an ideal with an actual

A O S

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The simple ingredients of a happy life (all ages)

Food, drink, sleep Feeling physically safe Feeling psychologically safe

(predictability) Feeling powerful (making choices, in

control) Feeling important/wanted/loved

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How can adults help meet those needs for children?

Interest shown in their moods, thoughts and feelings

Explanations as well as instructions Help to Generalise what they are learning Consistency (predictability) in the behaviour

and responses from adults Feedback so they know what’s good and bad,

and why A feeling of being in Control, at least

sometimes

6 ‘Golden Principles’

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Interest means...

‘You look tired…’ ‘I know this looks hard…’ ‘That’s good, you’re looking at me…’ ‘Can we do this together…?’ ‘Don’t worry…’ ‘That’s a cheerful face…!’

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Interest means...

‘You look tired…’ ‘I know this looks hard…’ ‘That’s good, you’re looking at me…’ ‘Can we do this together…?’ ‘Don’t worry…’ ‘That’s a cheerful face…!’

ALWAYS

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Explanation means

‘If we don’t pick them up someone might tread on them and break them…’

‘If you listen to the story you’ll find out what happens next…’

‘You need to clean your hands or you’ll get paint all over the place…’

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Explanation means

‘If we don’t pick them up someone might tread on them…’

‘If you listen to the story you’ll find out what happens next…’

‘You need to clean your hands or you’ll get paint all over the place…’

OFTEN

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Generalising means...

‘…and then no-one can use them.’ ‘…and stories are more fun when you

know what’s happening in them.’ ‘…and make life very hard for the

person who has to clean up later!’

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Generalising means...

‘…and then no-one can use them.’ ‘…and stories are more fun when you

know what’s happening in them.’ ‘…and make life very hard for the

person who has to clean up later!’

OFTEN

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Consistency means...

Say what you mean … … and mean what you say

Inconsistent adults play havoc with a child’s need and ability to make sense of the world around them.

Inconsistent = unpredictable = stressful!

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Consistency means...

Say what you mean … … and mean what you say

Inconsistent adults play havoc with a child’s need and ability to make sense of the world around them.

Inconsistent = unpredictable = stressful!

ALWAYS

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‘Perfect’ Praise orPositive Feedback means…

Praise statement

Description of the ‘good’ behaviour

Reason why it was good

“ Thanks Billy for playing so quietly, that made it much easier for me to talk to Jake”

The more specific it is, the more effect it has

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‘Perfect’ Praise orPositive Feedback means…

Praise statement

Description of the ‘good’ behaviour

Reason why it was good

“ Thanks Billy for playing so quietly, that made it much easier for me to talk to Jake”

The more specific it is, the more effect it has

OFTEN

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Control means...

Nobody likes to be told what to do by somebody else all the time … some children (and adults) don’t like it at all!!

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Control means...

Nobody likes to be told what to do by somebody else all the time … some children (and adults) don’t like it at all!!SOMETIMES

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Start in the middle and work outwards!

Summary

A O S