140 The Final Say

The Word | April 2009

The Final Say 141

April 2009 | The Word

There is a commonly held belief that women following their husbands to overseas postings lead a charmed life. Is it true? Sarah Johnson finds out. Photos by Khoa Tran.

Expat Wives

Exhibit A is sitting on thE tErrAcE overlooking the river in her plush An Phu villa while sipping on her third gin and tonic and contemplating life. she’s just got back from her spa date where she indulged in a full body treatment and had the usual manicure and pedicure.

it’s been a pretty average day, lounging by the pool in the morning and doing a yoga class before meeting some of the ladies that lunch. there’s an important social event this evening at the country club and it’s all any-one’s been talking about for weeks. in the background, the maid has just finished the ironing and is now busy at work feeding the children, who were picked up from school by the driver.

Let’s face it, the lifestyle of an expat wife in Vietnam sounds pretty good. but is it really all spas, yoga, manicures and doing lunch? As most foreign women living in Vietnam will tell you, it’s anything but.

The Challenges “As an expat wife, you have to be a special-ist in international moving,” says hilde hoogwaerts from holland. “You need superb managerial skills, must be an expert at finding your way around and on top of all that, you’re required to build a social life for you and your husband in a very short space of time.”

no mean feat, it would appear, especially as there are outside factors hindering your progress at every step. one, says Julie tarne from Australia, is the language barrier. “Viet-namese is just so hard to pick up.”

Eileen sonnack, an American who’s been an expat in Vietnam for three years, agrees.

“there’s also a completely different way of thinking here than from the west,” she says, “which is sometimes hard to adjust to.”

then, of course, there are all the things you have to give up to be able to live abroad, especially in a developing country like Vietnam.

“there are no pop concerts, not much theatre and not much to do,” says hilde. “You have to make it happen for yourself and really make an effort.”

to compound this, in most cases an expat wife, or trailing spouse, is usually forced to

One thing’s for sure, expat wives in Vietnam certainly don’t have to do the housework.

ouT To lunch(From right to left) Eileen Sonnack, Hilde Hoogwaerts, Suvidha Sogani, Julie Tarne and Marijke De Blaes.

give up a career when they move abroad.“i’m a trained physical therapist,” con-

tinues hilde. “but when i first moved to the Us for my husband’s job, i wasn’t allowed to work. We have to move every two to three years and that doesn’t help with career progression.”

raising children is also an issue. it’s a difficult enough feat in your own country, let alone abroad.

“You don’t have the support of your family,” says hilde, “and giving birth in an alien country is hard. the healthcare is dif-ferent and all the products that you’re used to and that you grew up with are often not available.”

suvidha sogani, an indian expat who’s been here 11 years, also thinks it would be difficult to bring up kids with values from back home.

“if you live in your own country, culture and values come automatically,” she says. “here, you have to force it.”

And of course, for those families have to relocate every few years, it’s tough on the kids. they have no say in what happens or where they go, and they have to say good-bye to their friends.

The HardshipsYes, there are a whole host of benefits to be-ing an expat wife, but everyone we spoke to agreed that it’s not all that glorified.

“i find myself dependent on a lot of other people,” says Julie. “i’ve got three children in their early to mid teens and the company doesn’t provide us with a driver. so, every time they want to go out, it’s by taxi. i don’t like the idea of them coming home on their own. i find i don’t have as much indepen-dence here as at home where i’d just jump in my car to pick them up.”

suvidha has a different story.“i was 19 and at college in india when the

idea of an arranged marriage came up,” she recalls. “My husband had been in Vietnam for four years and our families arranged a meeting. We met a few times and agreed to get married. i came out to Vietnam straight away and the first year was tough. i missed my family and friends. it was 11 years ago,

so there weren’t as many expats as there are now. the ones that were here were all in their 40s when i was 20.”

For Eileen, being away from her family gives her a real sense of guilt, especially when “other siblings have to deal with fam-ily issues.”

“Leading a life abroad, you really feel the effects of being the sandwich generation,” adds hilde. “You’re torn between your parents and your kids, both who need your love and support. there’s always some kind of emptiness and it’s hard moving, setting everything up and not having your family close by.”

What do they do?one thing’s for sure, expat wives in Vietnam certainly don’t have to do the housework. but, are they really ladies that lunch with perfectly manicured nails and toned, bronzed bodies from hanging out at the pool?

For most, no. hilde is a prime example.“i started Mekong Merchant bazaar,

which is a meeting point for women to pro-mote business interests,” she explains. “We organize fairs where women gain exposure and it’s become a huge success. i also started gecko boxes, created Monopoly saigon and i run workshops.”

suvidha now has a full time career while

Marijke De blaes, a belgian by birth, is a free-lance interpretor and translator, maintaining a client base back home in germany. Eileen and Julie are heavily involved with charity work and Julie also has three children to bring up.

The PositivesAlthough there are negative aspects to being an expat wife, it’s hard to see why and how such a stereotype would have developed without there being some truth in it. After all, the ladies interviewed admit that the perks that come with being an expat wife are pleasant to say the least.

“i look at my time in Vietnam as a privi-lege,” says Julie. “back home, everything’s so much more hectic.”

“i have had a very blessed life,” admits Ei-leen while Marijke labels her life as “one big adventure.” she goes on to say that “being an expat wife allows you to do something different, to take up something you may never have thought of or to do something you didn’t have time to do before.”

so, is the stereotype justified? Probably not, but then they never are, are they?