2015-05-03 ten things to remember about toxic family members

8/9/2019 2015-05-03 Ten Things to Remember About Toxic Family Members

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10 Things to Remember about Toxic (harmful) Family Members

May 3rd, 2015 ‐ by: Marc Chernoff

Source:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/05/03/10‐things‐to‐remember ‐about ‐toxic‐ family ‐members/

Family

is

supposed

to

be

our

safe

haven.

Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

Letting go of (or breaking up with) a toxic friend, boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice

out there for doing so, but what about letting go of a toxic family member?

Most of us are not in a position to just walk away, nor do we feel that we want to, or that it’s the right thing to

do. So what do we do when a family member is literally spoiling our lives with their toxicity? How do we deal

with our feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal and heartache?

First and foremost, you must accept the fact that not everyone’s family is healthy or available for them to lean

on, to call on, or to go home to. Not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, love and

support. Sometimes “family” simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some family members build

us up and some break us down.

Second, you must understand that a toxic family member may be going through a difficult stage in their

lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional

support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their

troubles, you may still need to protect yourself from their toxic behavior at times).

The key thing to keep in mind is that every case of dealing with a toxic family member is a little different, but in

any and every case there are some universal principles we need to remember, for our own sake:


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1. They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re not the right

person to be spending time with every day.

Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing (unbearable, painful, distressing, worrying, heartbreaking) and

uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good

intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise

yourself and

your

happiness.

And

as

hard

as

it

is,

we

have

to

distance

ourselves

enough

to

give

ourselves space to live. You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else. You

have to make your well‐being a priority. Whether that means spending less time with someone, loving a

family member from a distance, letting go entirely, or temporarily removing yourself from a situation that

feels painful – you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself.

2.

Toxic people often hide cleverly behind passive (inactive) aggression

(violence, anger,

violent

behavior,

attack,

offensive,

and

defense).

Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non‐verbal aggression

that manifests in negative behavior. Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle,

annoying gestures directed at you. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting them, they find small

and petty ways to take jabs (poke, dig, punch, irritate, disturbance) at you until you pay attention and

get upset. This is obviously a toxic relationship situation. It shows this person is set on not

communicating openly and clearly with you. Keep in mind that most sane (sensible, reasonable, normal, wise,

commonsensical) human beings will feel no reason to be passive‐aggressive toward you if they feel safe

expressing themselves. In other words, they won’t feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they

feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for what they are thinking. So make it clear to your family

members that you accept them for whom they are, and that they aren’t necessarily responsible or

obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that you’d love to have their support. If they care about you,

they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way. And if they refuse to, and continue their

passive aggression, you may have no choice but to create some of that space discussed in point #1.


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3. They will try to bully (terrorize, frighten, harass) you into submission

(surrender, giving in) if you let them.

We always hear about schoolyard bullies, but the biggest bullies are often toxic family members. And

bullying is never OK. Period! There is no freedom on Earth that gives someone the right to assault

(insulting, abusive, aggressive, impolite, rude, violent, unpleasant, physical attack) who you are as a person. Sadly, some

people just

won’t

be

happy

until

they’ve

pushed

your

ego

to

the

ground

and

stomped

(trial)

on

it.

What

you have to do is have the nerve to stand up for yourself . Don’t give them leeway (flexibility,

freedom). Nobody has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power. It takes a

great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your family and

friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. Be cognizant (aware, mindful) of how the

people closest to you treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs (poking, digging, punching, irritation,

disturbance) they throw. When necessary, confront them (deal with it, challenge it) – whatever it takes to

give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.

4.

Pretending their toxic behavior is OK “is NOT OK”.

If you’re not careful, toxic family members can use their moody behavior to get preferential (special,

favored, superior, better) treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen

to their grouchy (bad‐tempered, complaining, irritable, ill‐tempered) rhetoric (speaking, language, words). Don’t be

fooled. Short‐term ease equals long‐term pain for you in a situation like this. Toxic people don’t

change if they are being rewarded for not changing . Decide this minute not to be influenced

(effected, affected, impacted, stimulated, encouraged, change, inspire, have an effect on ) by their

behavior. Stop

tiptoeing

(stop moving silently)

around

them

or

making

special

pardons

(don’t ask them… could

you repeat that? what did you say? I’m sorry, what!) for their continued belligerence (anger, violent behavior,

violence). Constant drama and negativity is NEVER WORTH putting up with. If someone in your family

over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable, respectful adult on a regular basis, it’s time to speak up

and stand your ground.


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5. You “do not have to neglect yourself” just because they do.

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself . Practice self ‐care

every day. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough

alone time to rest and recuperate (build up your strength, recover, get better, get well, restore your form). Having to

play the

role

of

a ‘focused,

rational

adult’

in

the

face

of

toxic

moodiness

can

be

exhausting,

and

if you’re

not careful, the toxicity can infect you. Toxic family members can keep you up at night as you constantly

question yourself: “Am I doing the right thing? Am I really so terrible that they despise (hate) me so

much? I can’t BELIEVE she did that! I’m so hurt!!” Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing (unbearable,

painful, distressing, worrying, heartbreaking) for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes this is the goal of

a toxic family member, to drive you mad and make you out to be the crazy one. Because

oftentimes they have no idea why they feel the way they do, and they can’t see beyond their own

emotional needs… hence their relentless toxic communication and actions. And since YOU CAN’T

CONTROL WHAT THEY DO, IT’S IMPORTANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF so YOU CAN remain

centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of negativity when you must –

mindfulness, meditation, prayer and regular exercise work wonders! Don’t stress. Do your very best.

Appreciate each step. Forget the rest.

6.

If their toxic behavior becomes physical, it’s a legal matter that must

be addressed.

If you’ve survived the wrath of a physical abuse (cruelty, ill‐treatment, violence, neglect, manipulation, insults, verbal

abuse, name‐calling, foul language, hurt, harm, injure, shouting, call names, take advantage of ) in

your

family,

and

you

tried to reconcile (settle, resolve, patch up) things… if you forgive, and you struggled, and even if the

expression of your grief (sorrow, heartache, pain, unhappiness) had you succumb (give way, give in, surrender) to

outbursts (explosion, outbreak, sudden occurrence) of toxic anger… If you spent years hanging on to the notions

(ideas, philosophy, thinking, accepted wisdom, concept) of trust and faith, even after you knew in your heart that

those beautiful intangibles (indefinable), upon which love is built and sustained, would never be returned…

And especially, if you stood up as the barrier between an abuser and someone else, and took the brunt

(force, impact, burden) of the abuse in their place… You are a HERO! But now it’s time to be the hero of your

future.

Enough

is

enough!

If

someone

is

physically

abusive,

they

are

breaking

the

law

and

they

need

to

deal with the consequences of their actions.


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7.

Although it’s hard, you can’t take their toxic behavior personally .

It’s them, not you. KNOW this. Toxic family members will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done

something wrong. And because the ‘feeling guilty’ button is quite large on many of us, even the

implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle (worry,

disturb, upset,

bother)

our

resolve

(determination, firmness, work out).

Don’t

let

this

happen

to

you.

Remember,

there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing

personally . Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact

with. Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing

to do with you. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self ‐

reflection.

8.

Hating

( extreme dislike, can’t bear

) them for being toxic only brings

more toxicity into your life.

As Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” Regardless of how

despicable (shameful, disgraceful) a family member has acted, never let hate build in your

heart. Fighting hatred with hatred only hurts you more. When you decide to hate someone you

automatically begin digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself. Hateful grudges are for

those who insist that they are owed (payable, due, to be paid) something. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is

for those who are strong enough and smart enough to move on. After all, the best revenge is to be

unlike (different, contrasting) the person who hurt you. The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates

peace in

your

heart.

Be

OK

with

walking

away…

Rejection

teaches

you

how

to

reject

what’s

not

right

for you.


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9. People can change, and some toxic family relationships can be repaired

in the long run.

When trust (hope, reliance, dependence) is broken, which happens in nearly every family relationship at some

point, it’s essential to understand that it can be repaired , provided both people are willing to do the

hard work of self ‐growth. In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock (rock layer) of your

relationship has

crumbled

(collapse, crush, fall down, fall apart)

into

dust,

that

you’re

being

given

an

opportunity to shed the patterns (example, plan) and dynamics (lively, active, self ‐motivated, energetic, full of life)

with each other that haven’t been serving you. Its painful work and a painful time, and the impulse

(desire, urge, wish, force, pressure) will be walk away, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be

repaired. But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime you’ll be more

likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together. But it does take two. You can’t do it

alone.

10.

Sadly, sometimes all you can do is let go for good.

All details aside, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. You may not be able to control all the things toxic family members

do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced (cheap, low) by them in the long run. You can decide not

to let their actions and opinions continuously invade your heart and mind. And above all, you can

decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today. In a perfect world we

would always be able to fix our relationships with toxic family members, but as you know the world isn’t

perfect. Put in the effort and do what you can to keep things intact (unbroken, undamaged, unharmed,

together), but DON’T BE AFRAID to let go and do what’s right for YOU when you must.

The floor is yours…


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Recommended Book by Marc

Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

Out of nowhere, like a breeze (gentle wind, light wind) in a marketplace crowded with advice; comes Byron Katie

and “The Work.” In the midst (middle, center) of a normal life, Katie became increasingly depressed, and over a

ten‐year period sank (drop, fall, decline, lapse, worsen) further into rage (anger, temper, storm), despair (misery,

hopelessness, lose heart), and thoughts of suicide. Then one morning, she woke up in a state of absolute joy, filled

with the

realization

of

how

her

own

suffering

had

ended.

The

freedom

of

that

realization

has

never

left

her,

and

now in Loving What Is you can discover the same FREEDOM THROUGH THE WORK.

The Work is simply four questions that, when applied to a specific problem, enable you to see what is troubling

you in an entirely different light. As Katie says, “It’s not the problem that causes our suffering; it’s our

thinking about the problem.” Contrary to popular belief, trying to let go of a painful thought never works;

instead, once we have done The Work, the thought lets go of us. At that point, we can truly love what is, just

as it is.

Loving What Is will show you step‐by‐step, through clear and vivid examples, exactly how to use this

revolutionary process for yourself. You’ll see people do The Work with Katie on a broad range of human

problems, from

a Manhattan

worker

paralyzed

by

fear

of

terrorism,

to

a woman

suffering

over

a death

in

her

family. Many people have discovered The Work’s power to solve problems; in addition, they say that through

The Work they experience a sense of lasting peace and find the clarity and energy to act, even in situations that

had previously seemed impossible.

If you continue to do The Work, you may discover, as many people have, that the questioning flows into every

aspect of your life, effortlessly undoing the stressful thoughts that keep you from experiencing peace. Loving

What Is offers everything you need to learn and live this remarkable process, and to find happiness as what

Katie calls “a lover of reality.”


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Recommended Book by Readers

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself Paperback

by Melody Beattie

Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the

drama of tending (treatment) to someone else's, you may be codependent (mutually supporting);‐and you may find

yourself in this book‐‐"Codependent No More." The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of

America's best‐loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to

unlocking its stultifying hold on your life. With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self ‐

tests, "Codependent No More" is a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of

codependency‐‐charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness. Melody Beattie is

the author of "Beyond Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, Stop Being Mean to Yourself, The

Codependent No More Workbook" and "Playing It by Heart."


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Recommended Book by Readers

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation Paperback – Import, 29 Dec 2009

by Melody Beattie

In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie introduced the world to the term codependency. Now a modern

classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self ‐help literature and endeared her to millions of readers

who longed for healthier relationships. Twenty‐five years later concepts such as self ‐care and setting boundaries

have become entrenched in mainstream culture. Now Beattie has written a follow‐up volume, The New

Codependency, which

clears

up

misconceptions

about

codependency,

identifies

how

codependent

behavior

has

changed, and provides a new generation with a road map to wellness.

The question remains: What is and what is not codependency? Beattie here reminds us that much of

codependency is normal behavior. It's about crossing lines. There are times we do too much, care too much,

feel too little, or overly engage. Feeling resentment after giving is not the same as heartfelt generosity.

Narcissism (self absorption, egotism, selfishness, self importance) and self ‐love, enabling and nurturing, and controlling

and setting boundaries are not interchangeable terms. In The New Codependency, Beattie explores these

differences, effectively invoking her own inspiring story and those of others, to empower us to step out of the

victim role forever. Codependency, she shows, is not an illness but rather a series of behaviors that once broken

down and

analyzed

can

be

successfully

combated.


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Each section offers an overview of and a series of activities pertaining to a particular behavior ‐‐ caretaking,

controlling, manipulation, denial, repression, etc. ‐‐ enabling us to personalize our own step‐by‐step guide to

wellness. These sections, in conjunction with a series of tests allowing us to assess the level of our codependent

behavior, demonstrate that while it may not seem possible now, we have the power to take care of ourselves,

no matter what we are experiencing.

Punctuated with

Beattie's

renowned

candor

and

intuitive

wisdom,

The

New

Codependency

is

an

owner's

manua

to learning to be who we are and gives us the tools necessary to reclaim our lives by renouncing unhealthy

practices.


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Readers Comments/Feedback

• Cyndy

May 3rd, 2015 at 9:32 pm

Thank you for this and especially for #10. I grew up being physically, verbally and emotionally abused by a family

member. The

rest

of

my

family

pretended

there

was

nothing

wrong.

When

the

ugliness

began

to

be

directed

to

my spouse and children I ended all contact and have been so much better for it. It wasn’t easy but it was the right

decision for me.

• Rachel

May 3rd, 2015 at 9:40 pm

Thank you for this, Marc! The timing of when I read this post is so spot on. I’ve been having a hard time dealing

with someone who’s been so toxic to me for the longest time (worse, she’s part of my immediate family) and this

helped shed some light on what I need to do. I’ve been stressing over it for the past several months, and your

book and emails have been helping immensely. Reading this right now, though, is exactly what I needed. Thank

you.

• Kevin B.

May 3rd, 2015 at 9:49 pm

I relate to so much of what you’ve written as I’ve had to set boundaries and/or remove myself from toxic

relationships with both family and friends. I’ve always had the good sense to know that it’s ok that people move in

and out of one’s inner most circle but never actually controlled who I did and didn’t want in it myself, until I was

older. The relief and peace that comes with choosing to no longer be manipulated and abused (yes, it is a form of

abuse) by a toxic person, as difficult as it likely is, is of great reward. Being able to breathe again is the best way I

can describe it.

• Caroline

May 3rd,

2015

at

9:53

pm

Thank you for this article. To some extent, we all have to learn by trial and error, but your list reminds us that

we’re not alone in these kinds of struggles, and that there are many different methods to try to understand and

deal with the people in our lives through birth or extended family, who we love but may not necessarily like. I also

appreciate the inclusion of the last one, “Sadly, sometimes all you can do is let go for good.” Per Sandi Lynn,

“Because at some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life…” It takes

time for us to make peace with that, even after exhausting all our options from #1 ‐ 9. Thanks again.

• Sandra Pawula, Always Well Within

May 3rd, 2015 at 10:26 pm

I’m always

deeply

moved

by

the

compassionate

perspective

you

bring

to

sensitive

topics

like

this.

In

a world

where

so many people tell us to banish toxic people from our life, it’s refreshing to see someone who offers a loving,

compassionate approach balanced with sound principles of self ‐care.


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• Lisa Thomson‐the great escape

May 3rd, 2015 at 10:46 pm

I’ve had to disengage (separate) from my family but that made things worse. They couldn’t face the fact that I was

hurt by them. Instead they want to focus on my decision to distance myself. They are the victims (sufferers). When

I tried to reconcile (settle, reunite, resolve, merge, patch up), they made no effort. Also, I want to mention many toxic

people use sarcasm (taunting) as their weapon. Then they justify it by saying “What? I was only joking!” Friends

like that

have

no

place

with

me

anymore.

It’s

important

to

recognize

that

as

passive

aggressive

behavior,

as

you

point out. Great article and thank you very much for the affirmation and insight

• Bob

May 3rd, 2015 at 11:04 pm

Divorced after 23 years; Thought we had a great family. I must have been delusional (believing disgraceful things, sign

of mental illness, behavior that is just not realistic), to not see her hate. X‐wife poisoned my almost grown children’s

minds to me, during the divorce. If it took the X 23 years to figure out I wasn’t the right guy, fine, but to purposely

compromise the relationship of the father and kids; unforgivable. Hoping someday the kids will understand how

much I love them, and they will accept my apology for evidently not being a good enough father from keeping this

family chaos (disorder, confusion, madness, mess, unruliness) from happening, and losing this unrecoverable time.

• Katie

May 3rd, 2015 at 11:23 pm

I grew up with extremely abusive parents and finally had to cut ties completely. This resulted in the rest of my

family siding with them, so I have no contact with any family. Despite this result and how hard it was, I am better

off for it. Family can be who you make them and I have some great people in my life that make up for not having

my real family.

• Donna

May 3rd, 2015 at 11:59 pm

I currently

have

no

contact

with

a toxic

family

member.

It’s

is

so

incredibly

painful.

He

was

abusive

growing

up,

got

in meds (medicine, medication) and was doing great, got off meds and went downhill (downward). Went for a visit to

a different family meme (an idea, belief or belief system, or pattern of behavior that spreads throughout a culture either vertically by cultural inheritance (as by parents to children) or horizontally by cultural acquisition (as by peers, information media, and

entertainment media) bet and he behaved like we were kids again. This time I had no problem telling him I love him

but can’t have him in my life like that. I had to learn that was okay to tell people you love them but that doesn’t

mean they have to be in your life through years of counseling and after a horrible divorce to a horrible man.

Letting go of that guilt was such an incredible feeling! I am so much happier and healthier now!


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• Chris

May 4th, 2015 at 1:53 am

Thank you for such a compassionate article. I have someone who’s toxic, passive aggressive and more. And all I’ve

done to date is to apologize and seek forgiveness and letting her be. I couldn’t have read this at a better time,

when her aggression has peaked and I’m constantly struggling to justify upon all the jabs (poke, force) that are

taken on me.

Letting go is hard. For I love her. I fear that she will carry on with her life as if nothing mattered. But then, if I fear

that today, and it’s real, then maybe its better that I learn to accept it and move on.

Life without her will be a void for sure. But having her is killing me every day.

You’ve inspired me to write to her today. Express this. And put it on the table. All I know is that I won’t sign out on

her and let her know that. She will always have my support. Just not when she is out to hurt, it hurts. But I must

do what’s good for both of us. And hopefully, this too, shall pass.

• Feeling

May 4th, 2015 at 3:19 am

I changed

some

family

relations

when

I questioned

whether

I would

become

friends

with

them

if

I were

to

meet

them on the streets. The answer was: no I would run from them (included my father). That opened up my eyes to a

lot of the psychological (mental, emotional) abuse that had been going on. Well, glad I came to the conclusion but

still… would wish it were different.

• David

May 4th, 2015 at 3:29 am

Thank you for normalizing the end of my relationship with my half ‐sister. She seemed to think her role was to

“bring me down a peg or two” at every opportunity. She sided with my ex‐wife when we broke up and never even

listened to my side of the story. When I finally got sick of it and bit back, her response was “well, we’ll just leave it

at that then”; haven’t heard another thing from her in 7 years.

It was hurtful at first, but I got over it and now love the freedom of not being guilt into performing to her liking.

Thanks again.

• Seline

May 4th, 2015 at 4:09 am

So true Marc. I have dealt with long‐term toxic relationships in the past. The sooner we build boundaries, or end

things, the better.


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• Diva

May 4th, 2015 at 4:23 am

Thank you, Marc. I’m feeling depressed since the past few weeks due to exactly the same issue. The toxic family

members are: my parents.

I have had a troubled childhood because both my parents couldn’t keep their own relationship on track. It used to

be a cold

war

situation

at

all

times.

My

dad,

an

alcoholic,

wouldn’t

come

home

for

weeks

(saying

he’s

on

tour)

at

a

time and mom and I would be alone. They have been fighting since I can first remember anything at all. Although

they didn’t separate and are still together, and keep getting normal at times, it’s still pretty bad. Thankfully I’m in

college and living away from them. They still do inflict pressure on me for choosing my career paths and trying to

make every decision for me, but I don’t think I’m going to listen to them much now.

It kills me sometimes how my father behaves with me. I haven’t told this to any of my friends or anyone. I used to

tell mom earlier but stopped after I realized she’s too engrossed (absorbed, occupied, engaged) in her own worries. I

guess it does not matter to her or him. But I love them, Marc. I wish they’d sit and ask me how my life is, how

everything is going, how AM I, when I go home for the vacations. Instead of springing up new career options which

“they think I must follow if I want a good life”. I really hope my siblings don’t have to suffer the same way. And I

wish things could get a little better. Do reply if you can, I’d be forever indebted (grateful, thankful) to you.

• N

May 4th, 2015 at 7:12 am

OMG!! This is one topic people hardly talk about in my country, India. Awesome post, as always, I really needed

this one.

Thanks Marc & Angel!!

• Sheila

May 4th, 2015 at 7:31 am

I always get so much out of reading your articles, but even more so today.

We have been struggling for the past 3+ years to help our daughter with her mental health problems, but the past

13 months have been a nightmare at times. We are going through a “calm” period at the moment, but we know

through past experience things will go back to how they have been.

Your article made me realize just how toxic she has been and that I have to look after myself. But it’s hard, she’s

our daughter, we love her, but at 18 we have to consider that she maybe better being independent, but letting her

know we are there if she needs us, I need my sanity back!

Thanks again for your though provoking & inspiring articles.

• Jane

May 4th,

2015

at

7:32

am

I am in the process of letting go of a toxic relationship with my brother. My parents fell ill over the past few years

and subsequently died and he could not have cared less. Until money became involved; he stood by and watched

me give up a career, a life in the U.S., a home, friends and go back to the country I was born in to take care of my

mother and subsequently her estate. Someone had to do it but it would have been much easier with two people. I

don’t regret doing it for my mother but I certainly don’t want any kind of relationship with him. As time is starting

to pass so does my memory of him; He is not somebody I would want as a friend let alone a family member.

Thanks again for the posting!


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• Sarah

May 4th, 2015 at 7:38 am

I am the one that is toxic. I use passive aggressive behavior frequently. I look back at my childhood and see that I

am my “mother.” That is how she behaved. I have tried to change the behavior but have had no success yet.

Though I feel the reasons I get mad about are founded, I know I’m handling it wrong and use the silent treatment

to show my anger. I know this is wrong.

• Boitumelo

May 4th,

2015

at

7:56

am

Thank you for tackling un‐facebookable aspects of our lives. Knowing that realities; such as having to live with toxic

family members are not these worse secrets that we to carry to our graves is a relief. Knowing that the confusion,

split loyalties, guilt, and shame can be dealt with in a manner that is loving to oneself is beautiful knowledge.

Thank you!

• Fred

May 4th, 2015 at 8:18 am

Sheila touched on a reason that makes cutting the ties with toxic family members all the harder: mental illness. It’s

hard enough when the family member is “neurotypical” (to someone who has a normal ability to process language, in

contrast to

people

who

are

on

the

autism

(a

mental

condition,

present

from

early

childhood,

characterized

by

great

difficulty

in

communicating and forming relationships with other people and in using language and abstract concepts) spectrum (range)),

but when there’s a mental illness involved, our brains play this “it’s not their fault” game. Toxic they may be, but

add mental problems to the mix and we convince ourselves we have to endure (bear, tolerate, suffer, undergo) the

abuse because they can’t help or control their behavior. Wrong! Toxic is still toxic, no matter the underlying

cause. The only way to fix a toxic relationship is to end it.

• Poorna

May 4th, 2015 at 8:28 am

Thanks Marc and Angel! The timing of this article couldn’t have been better. I have been stressing myself and

shouting at others for the treatment I received from a particular family member. I am finding it very difficult to let

go and

move

on.

I hope

this

article

will

help

me.

• Mary n

May 4th, 2015 at 9:00 am

I left a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage after 32 years. I thought marriage was for better or for worse

and worse was an infinite concept. I finally realized it was a finite word. He had no intention of going to counseling

and had no need to change. I left the marriage and after 10 years I am finally the same person all the time. I no

longer wear two faces, have two personalities. I am my true self all the time. My ex is still the same with his 2nd

wife. Thank you for your affirming article.


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• Dorothy Prior

May 4th, 2015 at 9:19 am

I seem to have been waiting for this article for 75+ years!!!!!!! (My “toxic” relative is no 98, mentally alert and still

going strong in the business of trying to control my life! I have worked to free myself for many, many years, and it

has taken time, and hard work ‐ and a great deal of money! ‐ As well as the support of very good long‐term friends

and other (wider) family members. Slowly I have learned how to free myself over the years, learned how to

understand more

of

the

dynamic,

learned

to

recognize

the

“toxic”

family

member’s

own

baggage

and

other

damage from their childhood, and continue to struggle with keeping myself free and (at least…) not adding to that

person’s life burden. Life has not been easy!

However, there are some very, very good bits in it, and for that fact alone life really should be enjoyed and

celebrated rather than wasted.

Your excellent article helps get things into some sort of rational perspective. Thank you.

• T

May 4th, 2015 at 9:29 am

The timing

for

this

article

was

perfect!!

I too

have

had

difficulties

with

so

‐called

toxic

family

members,

domineering (bossy, dominant, forceful, overassertive), emotional and sometimes physical abuse from relatives

particularly my younger sister and father. The way my sister has manipulated family members telling lies on me, I

found myself like a cornered rat, with my mother and other siblings (a person’s brother or sister) rounding up on me,

finally led me to ’snap’ one day and I told my dad in an email exactly what I thought of him and other family

members, because he needed to read it so he could understand exactly what I was trying to say and he couldn’t

put the phone down on me and not hear the rest of it.

So after that, I no contact with him and it suited me fine. However, for my grandmother (who I love dearly) that

was a different matter, she felt stuck in the middle and tried to get me to go back to the so‐called family fold and

the other relatives tried to use her to get at me, but it wasn’t going to work and she soon got the message.

•

Allie

May 4th, 2015 at 9:40 am

Thanks for this article…I’ve got a little family reunion coming up this summer and for six months now, I’ve already

been mentally preparing for it! Will never forget the day, years ago, I was going through a tough time in my

marriage and my immediate family turned against me, one member viciously (cruelly, nastily, brutally, inhumanly,

violently, sadistically, meanly) replied to a letter I’d sent communicating what I was going through, and I’m in my

therapist’s office crying my eyes out. He finally pointed out that A) My letter to my family was the best he’d ever

read and B) My family wasn’t emotionally healthy, I was. I was FINE! OMG, the best thing that ever happened to

me! I had to deal with them again when I finally got divorced, but I very much stood my ground and because I did,

have better relationships with everyone but my one sibling…and I have hope for her! Having the list of tools listed

above (I’d learned mine through therapy and Life Skill classes) is definitely the best and healthiest way to cope

with these

kind

of

people.

Remembering

that

YOU’RE

the

emotionally

strong

one

of

the

family

is

well,

liberating!!


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Page 18 of 30

• Melissa Wilson

May 4th, 2015 at 9:50 am

Thanks for writing on this topic. It seems like one of the hardest things to deal with when a family member is

toxic for us.

° We either feel obligated (forced, duty‐bound) to have them in our lives or we have no choice but to see

them every day.

° The best thing that I have found for dealing with someone like this is to have boundaries in place.

° Avoid talking to them about certain things if you know they are going to be critical or visit and speak

with them less often.

It’s not always easy, but just because someone is a family member does not mean that we have to be subject to

their toxicity.

• Sandy

May 4th, 2015 at 9:51 am

Struggling with my sister who is negative and clingy; my family has just purchased a beach home and I want to

spend Christmas there with my three grown children and grandchildren without the stress of having her there but

she insists that she is coming for Christmas. We are staying at home and spending Thanksgiving with her and I have

invited her to visit later in January when she will be traveling to her winter vacation spot. She isn’t taking no for an

answer. How would any of you handle this?

• Kim

May 4th, 2015 at 10:19 am

Yes,

° “letting go” of people that do not wish you well and are not happy for you when you’re successful, is

the best thing you can do for yourself!

° And if someone does not see you for who you are and tries to mold you (bully you) into being a certain

person for them, they too “need to go”.

° The examples in 1‐10 all reflect people that are killing your spirit and stunting your growth.

• Lei Lani Lucero

May 4th, 2015 at 10:51 am

I see so much of my roommate (who is like a sister to me), and, honestly, I see a little of myself in these

descriptions. I have taken the steps to practice self ‐care, by being around people who lift me up, and accept me

for who I am, and keep reminding myself that her behavior is born out of her viewpoints, but the scary, honest

part is seeing that I have been practicing some of the toxic behaviors in my relationship with her. Thanks for

opening my eyes, and keeping my heart open to the wonders of this universe.


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Page 19 of 30

• Leigh B.

May 4th, 2015 at 11:09 am

Three years ago, my sister and I had an argument, and I decided to end 50+ years of abuse and misery by not

reconciling with her. With her went the rest of my family ‐ her children and grandchildren, whom I love dearly. I

cannot begin to describe how incredibly painful this has been, and how many people believe that I am the

problem, not her. Toxic people are often Jekyll‐and‐Hyde (one having a two‐sided personality one side of which is good

and the

other

evil);

so

nice

to

the

rest

of

the

world,

and

so

awful

behind

closed

doors.

Worst

of

all,

many

friends

and

relatives do not understand that she and I have never had a classic sibling relationship; we have been fighting since

day one. But they judge my decision on the basis of the good relationships they had with their siblings, and

continually tell me I will regret this. I can’t talk about it with other relatives, so I seldom talk to them. All I know is

that for the rest of my life, I want to be free of her drama, her lies, her victimhood (for which I have been cast in

the role of perpetrator (doer, performer, executor)), and her abuse of other people in our lives. It’s about what I

want my future to be and not retribution (revenge, justice) for the past. But there is no procedural manual for a

mess like this. What will happen if I show up to certain funerals? What will happen if I don’t? What am I obligated

to tell her about other relatives she’s never bothered to maintain contact with? It’s a never‐ending problem; I

can’t get rid of it completely. I can only minimize its impact on my life.

• Leigh B.

May 4th,

2015

at

11:12

am

@Sandy: The only thing you can do is tell her that you want to spend Christmas with your children and

grandchildren only, and that she cannot come to your vacation home for Christmas.

And be prepared for fireworks (explosive, sparkler) and ugliness (cruelty, evil, unattractiveness).

• Tara

May 4th, 2015 at 11:12 am

Love this post! Reminds me about much of what Melody Beattie discusses in her books Codependent No More and

The New Codependency. Good stuff! Good reads that I feel many who commented on this post and feel they

benefited from

this

post

should

read!

Self

‐care

is

SO

very

important!

• Yvette

May 4th, 2015 at 11:54 am

This article has given me some comfort that I made the right choice to stand up to my father recently and risk

losing him for good. I doubt myself every day and look for the good things we’ve had between us, but I need to

remind myself of the toxic negativity he instilled in our relationship, and the high level of anxiety (nervousness,

worry, concern, unease, fear) I experienced when dealing with him. Thanks for giving me a mental break.


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Page 20 of 30

• Jacqueline

May 4th, 2015 at 12:13 pm

I had a light bulb moment with this article big time…

I have a big guilt button and I am seriously far too sensitive for my own good, I know I am to blame for a lot for I

have used manipulative behavior to make others feel sorry for me and that’s given bullies all the ammunition they

needed, victim mentality too. But the fact I explain, question and analyze constantly is not good, it has worn me

out physically, mentally and spiritually.

I was brought up to please and labels placed on me, I had little respect for my peers and myself, so I need to

forgive, let go and move on in that order.

I am in a place where I constantly over think things and this renders me useless, instead of looking at the

problems I need to work on finding a solutions… this is far a better way for you keep moving forward rather than

going round and round and feeling a victim and hopeless. I am asking God for breakthrough and wisdom

Thank you for this article both timely and very wise

• Puglee

May 4th, 2015 at 12:42 pm

We’re going through such a situation so this post provoked me to respond.

I do not disagree with anything that was blogged.

But also as stated, every situation is sort of unique so every suggestion may not be applicable.

I bet the majority of these conflicts originate from unresolved sibling rivalry (competition, opposition, enmity,

challenge, jealousy); bringing childhood emotions into adult life where they are not appropriate.

I prefer to refer to the behavior as destructive although toxic works too.

Individuals who choose to remain within a family structure but persist (continue) with this destructive behavior

reveals a deeper issue. It may be that this individual has problems maintaining healthy relationships in general, not

just in a family environment and they choose to blame a family members with whom they may get away with it

and who will be hurt and feel guilty. They get a sense of revenge and control.

Sibling rivalry (competition, opposition, enmity, challenge, jealousy) will automatically involve both siblings and

parent(s).

If there is something about another person that bothers you, the appropriate (suitable, proper, right, correct)

behavior is to disassociate (detach, break) with that person not keep pounding (hammering, beating) away. If you are

on the receiving end of such animosity (hatred, ill feeling, enmity, dislike), (which is who this post is addressed) you

are best advised to avoid contact with the toxins or else as was discussed in the post; your life and your other

relationships will be damaged as a consequence. Get over your feelings of guilt or obligation, and break it off .

This was stated in the blog post.

If I have a toxic relationship with a family member, it will negatively affect me and absorb an inappropriate

amount of my time and energy. I will be asking the other family members to tolerate the consequences of the

neurotic (fearful, phobic, disturbed, overanxious) relationship, and those family members may wisely choose to opt

out. So the toxic individual’s mission is further enabled.

Hope you all find your solution.


21/30

Page 21 of 30

• Renee Cohen

May 4th, 2015 at 12:48 pm

Brilliant article! I have struggled all my life with well meant toxic love and the outcome has been that don’t

recognize or care for my needs. Only now at the age of 48 am I starting to recognize boundaries but is not an

automatic thing for me and I have to remember to respect myself . Thank you for understanding and sharing.

• Giacomo

May 4th, 2015 at 12:52 pm

Thank you for your FB reply. My case is kind of complicated but your tips helped me to take decisions. In my case,

my mother is a chronic (constant, never‐ending) paranoid (fearful, mistrustful, unreasonable) and negative person

24/7. It is very difficult for me to abandon her, particularly when she is 87 years old. I spent my whole life figuring

all out but I could not make it.

Your help has been paramount (supreme, top). I have now taken some shortcuts to my well‐being and right now I

know what to do. I really appreciate your caring. With all my love

• Janie

May 4th, 2015 at 1:59 pm

I often read articles about dealing with toxic people, yet this is the first article to have exactly what I am looking

for, as dealing with toxic family members seems to be a bit of a taboo topic. Most other articles only deal with

friendships, co‐workers, acquaintances, yet the toxic person in my life is my mother. She has verbally and mentally

abused me my entire life, and when I questioned her or tried to stand up for myself, she threw her Catholic, “you

have to honor me because I’m your mother” beliefs in my face. She made me feel as though I had no choice but to

believe her when she’d say things like, “No man would ever love you…” Recently I started talking to someone

professionally, and she’s helping me to realize that those horrible things I’ve been told are not true. I have a long

road of

healing

ahead

of

me,

but

for

the

first

time

I can

actually

see

a light

at

the

end

of

the

tunnel.

This

article

nicely reinforces that we do not have to accept behaviors or words just because we share blood with someone.

And as sad as I am to read everyone’s comments, I am also comforted to know that I’m not alone – we’re not

alone. We’re all in this together.


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Page 22 of 30

• Tracy Natiom

May 4th, 2015 at 2:53 pm

Many thanks for this article. Given the number of replies, this topic needed addressing. And, there are likely many

more that didn’t reply. I agree with your points and @Melissa Wilson. I’ll add that most would not let a friend

abuse our friendship and become toxic to us; we would move on. That type of friendship would naturally just die

off. But, a toxic family member is so loaded with feelings.

On a scale of 1‐10, how toxic are they?

° If it’s a parent that’s going through the aging process and gets toxic but was not prior to hitting 75 (pick

an age), I’ve put up with more aggravation (annoyance, irritation, stress, frustration) for obvious reasons.

But, even then I have set BOUNDARIES and I’ve stuck with them. It’s hard but it is so helpful in providing

care.

° As to other family members who behave in purposive (having or done with a purpose) pushing our buttons

most of our lives, I learned that boundaries are the key for me.

I learned much about some personalities in therapy I sought to specifically learn about these personalities and

understand if I was doing something to provoke and how to maintain a family relationship with some very difficult

personalities. One

of

the

individuals

is

very

emotionally

or

mentally

ill.

I put

up

my

boundaries

many

years

ago.

Huge relief! Yet, her two siblings much younger than me must learn these principles you laid‐out. If not, their

feelings could go in different directions; just in 20’s their feelings range from rage (anger, temper, trend) to trying to

have loving talks and moments. I will say, with proper boundaries I was able to maintain a loving relationship with

my brother and his wife. Our love was firmly rooted. BOUNDARIES do work. One may need to tweak them but

they work.

With the mental illness in play, one may never be able to have a mutually loving and supportive relationship. I’d

say one must make peace with that, understand it is not personal; limit topics and number of interactions. Read

up about the mental disease. Tough love maybe needed. People use it with addiction and other behavior. Be an

advocate (supporter, believer, activist) for getting sustained (nonstop, lasting, unbroken, never‐ending, repeated)

counseling (therapy, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, analysis). Thanks again for this topic. And thanks for the replies. If

folks here

can

swing

it,

get

counseling

if toxic

people

are

giving

you

guilt,

rage

and

you

don’t

know

what

to

do.

Good luck.

• Sharon

May 4th, 2015 at 3:22 pm

I see so many of these issues in my relationship with my husband but I’m really not sure which one of us is the

toxic one. There are so many things that can describe each of us. This was not always the way our relationship

between us has been. It started after I got cancer and I had a lot of complications and physical and mental

problems to work through. He was minimally supportive at that time. I got cancer again and he was not supportive

at all. My complications got worse, to the point where I could barely walk. I had bone on bone knee problems and

needed surgery. I had put it off because I’ve also been taking care of my Dad. I know all of these things have

contributed

to

our

relationship

problems,

my

resentment

(anger, dislike,

hatred)

because

he

was

not

supportive,

his

resentment because we can’t do things because I’m always sick, I’m not the same person I was before cancer and I

am the only one who takes care of my dad. I feel like we are just roommates. I’m afraid to ask him to go for any

kind of counseling but I think it’s what we need. I know he loves me and I love him but I keep telling myself that

when my dad leaves us, I will have the time to really work on our relationship. I’m worried that it might be too late

I know this may have gone off the subject but I had to get it out of my system, maybe seeing it written down will

help me finally do more than think about what I need to do.


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Page 23 of 30

• rose

May 4th, 2015 at 4:11 pm

Sadly we would lose seeing our grandchildren if we stood up to our daughter‐in‐law. So very toxic!

• Dawn

May 4th, 2015 at 6:49 pm

I think you wrote this just for me…

Toxic person in my life is my young adult son, a drinker and drug user. I’ve been taking his abuse and

destructiveness since he was a teenager. I moved out of my own house to be safe, he still lives there, and I am

going to have to evict in order to get my house back. In the meantime I’m working on getting my life back. They say

tough love works; I’ll have to report back on that. Thanks for your post today.

• Katie

May 4th, 2015 at 8:46 pm

Thank you for this. It is what I needed to read. The toxic person in my life is my ex‐best friend. It is relevant

because we used to be so close that we were like family.

Things have changed a lot in the last 2 ‐ 3 years. We used to be close and do everything together but things

changed. I was swapped out for another model but expected to come back into the friendship when the other

ended.

She is nasty, bitter and jealous of anything and everything from my new house to going back to school. She

dismisses (reject, set aside, fire, send away) my dreams and anything I suggest.

I used to be horribly socially anxious but have got a lot better over the last 18 months and I wonder if that has

contributed to the demise of our friendship.

I have come to realize that the friendship is toxic and I’ve spent the last 6 ‐ 8 months distancing myself. I matter

too and I don’t want that kind of negativity this morning.

Things have been going well with that but this morning I got an email from her wanting to rekindle (renew,

reawaken, revive, regenerate) the friendship. No apology or acknowledgment of how she’s behaved and no indication

that she will have changed.

I don’t hate her (I did but as the article suggested that just leads to more toxicity). I have forgiven her and

moved on but I’m not keen to expose myself to the situation again.

• Steven

May 4th, 2015 at 9:00 pm

Thank you for this post. I “divorced” my dad nearly 30 (!) years ago because I couldn’t take his anger and refusal to

accept me for who I am any longer. I recently decided to do the same with my twin sister, for similar reasons. It

hurts. It’s hard. But these two decisions remain among the healthiest I have ever made, and this article reminds

me why.


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Page 24 of 30

• Parzival

May 4th, 2015 at 9:21 pm

A child of the 60’s & 70’s I didn’t realize that what I had been going through growing up constituted (represent, add

up to, set up, create) physical & emotional abuse. Then I stumbled (fall, hesitate) unto ‘Bradshaw & The Family’ &

John Bradshaw’s work. I wore my abuse like a badge (button, pi, symbol, emblem) until I read Alice Miller’s works in

the 80’s/90’s, along with M. Scott Peck & learned the value of forgiveness. Attended a Rev. Terry sermon in San

Diego &

learned

that

‘what

you

think

of

me

is

none

of

my

business.’

A

Course

in

Miracles

brought

me

to

the

realization of the value of forgiveness. And synchronicity being what it is for me today, I orbit around a person that

has some of the familiar wounds I’m acquainted with. But darn it, wouldn’t you know that in sharing this article

today I was told by my friend to substitute the word ‘they’ in #1 with my own. Always feels a bit hurtful to be

regarded as toxic until I remind myself what Rev. Terry said.

Many times people can mirror you & it can be somewhat seemingly accurate. Other times they merely project,

but here I am decades later & the old ‘wound(s)’ re‐open and all I can think to do is to send blessings back to my

friend & to myself, and reflect on the depth & meaning of compassion. (Dalai Lama, Thích Nhất Hạnh)

Thanks for the timely article! Now on with the work…

• Kell

May 4th, 2015 at 10:13 pm

Thanks, Marc and Angel, for these great wisdoms. When it came to crunch point, my Mother chose to stay sick and

I chose to get better. I have to pay for the guilt of not missing her, but I pay it gladly and joyfully every day.

It does get better.


25/30


26/30

Page 26 of 30

• Happy

May 5th, 2015 at 3:04 am

Great reminders that it’s okay to let go of toxic family members for the sake of your own sanity (good sense,

wisdom, reason, understanding, common sense, judgment), safety, and happiness. I’ve had to walk away from my twin

sister and her family because I had to cut ties with my sister’s husband. He has a history of physically abusing my

sister, as well as verbally abusing her. He’s also cheated on her in the past. After an incident which included him

threatening to

hurt

my

family

(mother,

father,

sister,

etc)

and

beating

my

sister

until

her

face

was

swollen

all

over,

I

was completely disgusted (shocked, sickened) with him and told my sister not to get back with him. Having

witnessed and experienced my mother, my siblings and I be physically and verbally abused by my father growing

up, domestic violence is something I’m strongly against and will not tolerate. I would hope my sister would

recognize it herself and not normalize that as a healthy relationship. However my sister eventually got back with

him and married him so I forgave him for his history of domestic violence and accepted him as family hoping he

changed. However he has continued back to his old ways and now has been hurtful towards me. It started when

he forbid (stop, prevent) my sister to let me and my long term boyfriend stay at my sister’s home for Christmas, said

I was welcome but not my boyfriend (whom he’s never met) and lied about why I couldn’t stay there until my

sister told me the truth. Most recently, his family members got into a physical altercation (argument, dispute, clash)

with my sister and he sided with them, including his brother who said he would beat my sister if he ever saw her

alone. She also lost her job from it. Her husband also cursed her out and told her she was stupid, a failure at life,

etc breaking

her

down

mentally.

She

described

it

to

me

as

her

being

at

her

lowest

point

in

her

life.

When

my

sister

contemplated (consider, think, plan, look at) a divorce and I told her I supported her decision, he found out I said that

and turned against me and has prevented me from making any contact with my sister and my niece and nephew.

When I contact her, he replies instead of her insulting me. I’ve since realized that it is my sister’s life and I can no

longer be a part of it if she wants to stay with someone who is abusive and attacks anyone who stands up to his

abusive behavior. My sister also has made no attempts to contact me or stand up to her abusive husband and has

instead given to his demands. I already have a happy life and this was something that happened to rid me of the

negative people remaining in my life. Thank you for helping me reaffirm (repeat, say again) this is the right choice.

• Carly

May 5th, 2015 at 5:54 am

#2, #3 & #5

Thank you for addressing this. Most would have us believe that the cure for toxic relationships is just to leave the

relationship. It’s not quite that simple when the toxic person is a spouse or family member.

I guess I helped myself by moving thousands of miles away from my family when I was a young adult. But, without

knowing how affected I was, I married someone equally as difficult/toxic. . . .


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Page 27 of 30

• Nancy

May 5th, 2015 at 9:16 am

My mother, who is 87, lives in NY as do my three sisters. I live in the South. I have to go there once a year, using my

vacation time and at some expense, to see my mom. But dealing with my sisters and their trauma and drama is no

fun. Once my mom passes, I won’t be going up there anymore. No one comes to see me, although they pass

through the airport on the way to see family members of spouses. They attacked me on Facebook, so I blocked

them.

It is hard to hear other people talk about “sister’s weekends” and how much they love their family and how their

mom is their best friend, when I have never had that as an experience, and I know I never will. But I have my own

kids, and I am striving to be the “mom as best friend” to them. I foster (promote, encourage, care for) good

relationships between the three of them, and so counteract (frustrate) past and present toxicity by making

different choices for myself.

I’m glad I don’t live up there with them. Distance is a good solution sometimes. Thanks for a timely and

informative post!

• Jacqueline

May 5th, 2015 at 10:29 am

Dear Happy, the comment you left is such a sad story… when you are bullied to that extent like your sister is, you

stop being anything anymore, and you know what’s going on but fear and torment (suffering, pain, torture, taunt,

harass, trouble) are always there. Don’t abandon her… it’s so sad because sometimes you really don’t know which

way to turn, and often with these sorts they are nice one minute than proper evil, they mess with your head and

reduce you to nothing making you feel powerless and having had this it knocks all your confidence away. I have

no answers for a solution, but you might be the only one who offers her compassion and love when all else around

her is horrible.

Love

• A

May 5th, 2015 at 3:10 pm

I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers. I am the youngest by 10 years to my sibling who is closest in age. Which means I

didn’t grow up with my family? Most of them were gone before I was in school. I tried to fit in for the first 35 years

of my life. With my entire family with heartache being my only outcome, I also can’t seem to understand how any

mother could love 6 of her children but not me. She is number 1 toxic member to me of my family. My brothers

and sisters following her, My mother being 85 years in age I have struggled with how to live in the same city as her

None of

my

siblings

live

in

the

same

city.

I have

taken

the

step

of

removing

myself

from

her

verbal

toxicity.

I

haven’t spoken with her since December 2014. However, she continues, without my knowledge, to pop (explode,

burst, bang, crack, drop) each and every good bubble I create in my life. The latest being almost succeeding in having

me evicted (expel, turned out) from my home. She is very manipulative and anybody who meets her thinks she is

the greatest person in the world. She probably is…to everybody but myself . I now know I will have to move away

to have any inner peace for myself. This is the BEST article I have ever read. For me having the validation from this

article sings to the core of my soul! I now have new tools to help me let go of the hardest people in my life to let

go of…..ones family! Thank you


28/30

Page 28 of 30

• J

May 6th, 2015 at 8:24 am

In my case, the toxic person in the family feels they are the victim; not the other way around. Creating havoc

(madness, disorder, mess, confusion), dysfunction (disruption of normal social relations), cruelty (unkindness, meanness,

harshness), and abuse within the family as a child, adolescent, and adult and then continuing with close extended

family members (in‐laws, nieces and nephews), causing such hurt, it became all too much for the rest of us leading

to having to turn our backs on this person. Once that happened, this member went to other family members

(aunts, uncles and cousins) with the sob (cry, weep) story of how cruel we have always been to them leading to

those family

members

taking

this

person’s

side.

This

has

caused

a great

divide

within

the

entire

extended

family

structure and, while there is a mourning (grief, sorrow, sadness) period for the loss of these people, my immediate

family has come to two realizations; our everyday lives are much more peaceful and filled with love, and those

family members who have taken this person’s side, without any effort to know the real story (and that is the case

with most of them) are really not worth seeking out to maintain relationships with them as well.

While I have come to terms for the most part with the situation, reading this article and the comments have really

helped a great deal so I thank the author for writing this (the passive/aggression side of it is so true in my case and

really is the weapon of choice continuing to this day with the postings on social media against my immediate

family). I also thank the commenter’s who have bravely poured out their hearts here. It is helpful to know and

brings affirmation that sometimes what one has to do to remain “sane” (rational, sensible, reasonable, sound,

normal, wise, commonsensical) is the right course of action and that it is much more common than you would think.

• Beena

May 6th, 2015 at 9:49 am

‘The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates peace in your heart’ ‐ I really like that line and will try to

follow it.

• Rose Costas

May 6th,

2015

at

1:20

pm

It is sad to say but most of us have such a person in our family. I found out that staying away from that person is

the best way to deal with the situation.


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• Lisa Renner

May 6th, 2015 at 2:52 pm

I am grateful to read your articles. I have not found help anywhere else. My grown kids have chosen to cut me

completely out of their lives. I have always had a low self ‐image so I immediately blamed myself and begged for

reconciliation. I never hit or called them names. I always told them how great I think they are. I admitted and

apologized for every behavior I thought they might have had an issue with in desperation (worry, fear, nervousness,

hopelessness) to

get

one

text

or

one

acknowledgement.

It

was

a waste

of

my

sanity

(good

sense,

wisdom,

reason,

common sense) and my time. I worked for 18 years at a factory building cars to provide for them. I was exhausted

mentally and physically on a daily basis. I made bad relationship choices and went from one failed marriage to

another, then another. My last child, who is with me now, 16, had a father who controlled me and my 3 kids who

dismissed (let go, reject) me. I am sure they have their reasons. I went 10 years of no relationships at all. Then at

the end of the 18 years killing myself working I quit my job, pulled out my retirement and 401k and met someone I

chose. Now we live apart to work on our youngest child’s need first. Not like the men before who kept after me. I

put the old relationships ahead of everything else. It has been over 2 years separated from what I thought was a

good relationship with my older kids. We went on yearly family vacations, spent all holidays together. Now I am

not allowed to see my grandkids as if I am a criminal. I decided last month to stop. Stop f

2015-05-03 ten things to remember about toxic family members

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