21 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR

21 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR

21 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

DR. HANSAJI J YOGENDRAAND

THE YOGA INSTITUTE

21 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Published byRupa Publications India Pvt. Ltd 2020

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Copyright © The Yoga Institute 2020

The views and opinions expressed in this book are the author’s own and the facts are as reported by him which have been verified to the extent possible,

and the publishers are not in any way liable for the same.

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ISBN: 1017

First impression 2020

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This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated,

without the publisher’s prior consent, in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published.

CONTENTS

Introduction 7

1. Re-discover Yourself and Maintain Dignity 8

2. Learn Acceptance 9

3. Take Responsibility 10

4. Change Yourself (and not your partner) 11

5. Be True to Yourself and Your Spouse 12

6. Prioritise the Relationship 13

7. Trust Completely 14

8. Communicate Effectively 15

9. Appreciate Generously 16

10. Develop Love & Intimacy 17

11. Manage Expectations 18

12. Conquer the Ego 19

13. Unplug to Connect 20

14. Yoga way of Living Promotes the Art of Forgiving 21

15. Focus on Being Happy (and not right) 22

16. Master Parenting 23

17. Strike a Mental Balance 24

18. Manage Finances Together 25

19. Give and Take Freedom 26

20. Cultivate Friendship in Marriage 27

21. Practice Yoga for a Happy Married Life 28

Acknowledgement 29

7

INTRODUCTION

It is said it takes 21 days to form a habit and it takes 21 steps to improve your marriage. Even if you feel you marriage is strong already, even the best of relationships can need fine tuning. 

While marriage can become an awesome phase in your life, but you need to constantly work to make the relationship more secure, connected and intimate. Marriage, more than any other relationship, requires a lot of thoughtful investment.

This e-Book will help you overcome the challenges you may face in your marriage and see them not so much as a setback but as an opportunity to understand each other better.

These 21 practical steps will serve as a guide to strengthen any marriage and enhance the health and wellbeing of couples.

1

RE-DISCOVER YOURSELF AND MAINTAIN DIGNITY

There could be times when you lose touch with yourself, and that can happen to even the most successful and self-aware people. Good news is that losing touch can become an opportunity to rediscover and redefine yourself.

You need to make time to allow a more fulfilled version of yourself to emerge. For this to happen, ask yourself: Are you making time to rediscover the sacred and divine within you? Have you met the sacred within yourself? If not, make time now. This process will help you to recognize the good in others and ignore what you perceive as your partner’s shortcomings.

How Can You Do It?

You need to observe your own body (experience the sensations in your body), followed by your breath (pace of your inhalation and exhalation), and then your mind (reflect on both positive and negative thoughts). If you do this often enough, it will become a habit and strengthen your connection with your true self, which will help you to feel a greater sense of inner well-being and fulfillment.

That, in turn, will enhance dignity, the feeling of self-respect. Unless you think you are worthy of respect, why should anyone else respect you? You will be respected by others only if you respect yourself. To maintain mutual respect in a relationship, it is important to maintain dignity and draw your boundaries without hurting the other person.

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2

LEARN ACCEPTANCE

A happy marriage is all about acceptance. The more you fixate upon your differences, the more difficult it can get to being together in challenging situations.

Ranbir often gets into fights and arguments with his wife Radhika. The reason: She is not an early riser and that means Ranbir, who wakes up early, gets his breakfast late. In a situation like this, understand and accept your partner, even their flaws. If Radhika is waking up late, then Ranbir can make breakfast. Both of them need to learn things from each other and that can happen only after mutual acceptance. The more you try to change your partner, the more resistance you will face from them. Acceptance is like those set of cards that have been dealt, now all you have to do is play the game to the best of your ability.

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3

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Marriage is not a child’s play. Marriage calls for commitment and responsibilities. Each person has his own dharmas (duties to play) in life. There would be peace in the world and in your house if each person stuck to his/her own responsibility and did their own duty in the best possible manner. However, in such difficult times, where we are all locked down together, taking more responsibilities can help lighten the burden of one person.

If the husband starts helping his wife in the kitchen, the wife would not only feel lighter but also loved. Such small gestures can go a long way in making marriages work and improve. Take added responsibilities like dusting the house, helping to fill the water, ironing the clothes, or something as simple as watering the plants.

Taking added responsibilities can drastically improve not only your relationships but also keep you active. All you have to do is overcome the ego, broaden your vision, and have a wider perspective towards your marriage. Balance and divide the responsibilities in such a manner that it is a win-win situation for both of you. As a consequence, you are taking responsibility for strengthening your relationship.

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4

CHANGE YOURSELF (AND NOT YOUR PARTNER)

Change begins with you. It’s pointless trying to change the world around you if you cannot change yourself. It is only when you start with yourself that you realise that it’s extremely difficult to change oneself and others. Then, if you are smart enough, you will realise the futility of trying to change another person.

Can we expect a horse to behave like a cat and vice versa? No, a horse can only become a better horse, and a cat can only become a better cat. It’s the same for humans; each person can only become a better version of himself and cannot change to become like the another person.

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5

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR SPOUSE

The Yoga way of life teaches you to be gentle, honest, and transparent. It also teaches you good habits and positive thinking. Your thoughts make you the person you are, and this further determines the choices you make, the experiences you have and the people you attract.

The strategy is to change your attitude—the goal is to become a better individual and a better team player.

Be true to yourself, only then will you be able to be true to your partner. For a healthy marriage, let the ‘I’ be true, for it to turn into a healthy ‘we.’

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6

PRIORITISE THE RELATIONSHIP

Ravi used to spend a lot of time with his friends. He used to watch cricket matches with them, go out for partying and just not give his wife enough time. This made Anjali feel very left out and unimportant in the relationship. If only they would have listened to the priest during their wedding, they would have realised the importance of marriage.

Wedding vows include:

• Respecteachother• Shareeachother’sjoysandsorrows• Trust• Appreciateknowledge,values,services• Appreciatepurityofemotions• Followdharma• Nurturetheeternalbondoffriendshipandlove

Marriage calls for commitment. Both the partners need to be firm in committing to the relationship and keeping it over anything else. Notice your partner’s efforts, do something for him or her, rekindle the romance and keep finding ways of prioritising them over anything else in this world!

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7

TRUST COMPLETELY

The only way to find out if you can trust a person is to decide to do so. Once the ship of marriage sets sailing, the seas are rough at times, and, often, one is tossed around because one starts out as a novice sailor who has yet to learn the art of negotiating high waters. Lack of trust in each other is often the result of:

1. Low self-esteem and a lack of trust in oneself. 2. Lack of empathy. 3. Poor interpersonal communication skills.

All the above are sometimes compounded by the new monster unleashed upon us called, the social media menace.

Communication and transparency are key to building trust. Also, you need to stretch yourself a bit in order to trust others. In the words of Frank Crane, ‘You may be miserable if you trust too much, but you will be worse off if you don’t trust enough.

A spiritual education is essential to help you build faith in yourself, to look at your own self in a positive manner, to respect yourself without becoming vain. When you are able to know and trust yourself, it becomes possible to learn to trust others too; otherwise, you remain a victim of your own fears and suspicions.

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8

COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY

“You are not listening to me!”“You are not interested in talking to me anymore!”We might believe we are experts in communication, but many of us talk without thinking, and hear

without listening. The husband will have to learn that the wife, who has been looking forward all day to being with him when he returns from work, deserves much more than silence and grunts. Wife, on the other hand, has to understand that maybe the husband has had a rough day at work and he needs to unwind before they can spend some quality time together.

The beginning of serious communication problems between a couple is when one of them does not give enough attention to their partner and is not concerned about their well-being. This is followed by harsh words that are capable of greater harm than you may understand. Words matter and how they are uttered matters more, call a person a fool and he will blow his top. Put your arm around them and tell them, gently to stop being a fool and you will have them eating out of your hand. Same message, opposite effect.

Your efforts to know and share with your partner could lead you to greater levels of physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, recreational and spiritual intimacy.

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9

APPRECIATE GENEROUSLY

Appreciation is the key to every relationship. Marriage can sometimes end up feeling like a job, wherein you don’t even get paid. What does one expect in return then? Some appreciation, isn’t it? Just a simple, “The dinner was fantastic tonight, thank you!” can make the other person so happy. Next time, they would put in more effort just to give you an amazing dinner.

As human beings, right from our childhood, we all crave appreciation and positive attention.Appreciate and thank your partner for doing small things around the house like:

• Putting the kids to sleep• Cooking food• Taking the garbage out• Restocking the fridge

Try to look at very common activities and everyday scenarios and think of ways to appreciate each other. We all get so busy with our lives that we tend to overlook and take certain things for granted, even our partner for that matter.

Appreciating will not only make the other person feel good but also motivate them to put in more effort into the relationship, strengthening it further. So next time, don’t wait for your wife to ask you, “Darling, how am I looking?” Go ahead and compliment her on your own!

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10

DEVELOP LOVE & INTIMACY

What is true love? Is there such a thing as true love? And if there is, then why does it fade away? Why do couples who professed their love to each other till their dying day find themselves in marriage courts, hurting and maligning each other?

Love is the magic potion for long-term relationships. People desirous of a lasting long-term relationship need to introspect whether it is love or simply lust masquerading as love. The fabric of love takes time to weave. To nurture love, you need to give without an expectation of return. Don’t keep an account of who did what for the other person. Love grows from knowing and sharing. You can enjoy the time spent in togetherness and develop deeper emotional or intellectual intimacy by getting to know more about your partner through effective communication.

While on the subject of love, it is important to touch upon intimacy as well. While a large part of the world totally avoids the subject, another large part veers towards overindulgence. Sex education combined with value education can solve a lot of your personal and interpersonal problems, and knowledge about these matters, obtained from the right sources of course, can be a key contributor to human welfare.

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11

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

Bhavna has been married for a year and she is quite unhappy. She is doing her best to do all the things her mother had advised her to do in her new house—she cooks, cleans, looks after her ailing mother-in-law—yet she is not happy. She has no complaints about Ravi, her husband as he cares, helps and also spends time with her. But, lack of appreciation, hurts her. She is unhappy that despite doing so much, her mother-in-law never praises her in the presence of her friends, and her husband does not thank her for all that she does. Result: frustration, anger, tears.

There are small problems, there are big problems and there are also small problems that look like big problems. The solution? How does one make a line look smaller without touching it? Draw a longer line next to it. The trick is to become bigger than the problem, the expectations.

Intense love does not measure, it just gives, Mother Teresa once said.Bhavna eventually learnt that she, like everybody else, was unique and didn’t need anyone to thank

her or remind her of how special she was. Bhavna and Ravi’s relationship took a turn for the better.

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12

CONQUER THE EGO

Ana, the only daughter of affluent parents had a pampered upbringing. Joyle, the man she fell in love with, was a decent fellow from a middle class background. Ana adapted well to the smaller apartment and the differences in lifestyle. But it bothered her to take the dishes after meals to the kitchen sink. Her servants had done this for her all her life and Ana saw it as a lowering of status. She did adapt, but grudgingly as her pride was wounded and she often taunted Joyle about reducing her to a servant. Ana did stop nagging for the sake of peace at home, but she didn’t forget the hurt. It was an uneasy peace; her ego would not let her be.

In Yoga parlance, kleshas are obstacles to happiness. There are five main kleshas and Asmita aka Ego is one of the five kleshas. Asmita is the identification of oneself with one’s ego. One creates a self-image of oneself that one mistakes it to be true. Yoga works on self-development. Even in a marriage, everything eventually boils down to self-development, self-worth, self-work, self-duty and much more. If you have the right attitude and outlook, marriage can be a training ground for learning humility and the art of compromise, for learning empathy and becoming sensitive to another person; basically an opportunity to grow as a person.

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13

UNPLUG TO CONNECT

Having some quality me-time is very important. It is only when you are at peace, will you be able to give the same thing to your loved ones. If you are not happy then all your frustration, anger, and sadness will be reflected in your interactions with your partner. In life, your first Dharma is towards yourself.

In the journey of maintaining a healthy relationship, don’t get so involved that you lose your own identity. Take some time off, unplug yourself from your daily activities and spend some time with yourself, by yourself. Meditate, practice conscious relaxation, exercise, or simply listen to some music.

Space is equally important to improve a marriage. You just need to know when to space out, and when to step in. Refrain from speaking in a disturbed state of mind. In a heated argument, it is always better to go to another room, calm yourself down, gather your thoughts, and then talk it out.

Similarly, ‘Me-time’ can enhance your relationship as you realise what is important and how you can use it to have a better connection with your spouse.

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14

YOGA WAY OF LIVING PROMOTES THE ART OF FORGIVING

The way a person is brought up, their sanskaras, their situations, and thought process is completely different even from their own identical twin, so to say. Every individual is different. When we practice and study Yoga, we start understanding ourselves better. It is only when we have truly understood this uniqueness in ourselves, will we be able to understand and accept others for the way they are. Yoga way of living helps us to understand this. This, in turn, reduces our expectations that we often have from others and promotes the art of forgiving.

We stop expecting our partner to behave in a certain manner that suits us. Once you establish a good relationship with yourself, you will be able to accept your partner the way they are. It is only expectations that lead to disappointments. When you won’t have any expectations, you won’t get disappointed.

Always remember, your outer relationships are only a reflection of your relationship with your inner self. Forgive and accept yourself for the way you are, for the same to happen with your spouse.

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15

FOCUS ON BEING HAPPY (AND NOT RIGHT)

Aruna had been married for over a year now, but she was unhappy. Why? Because she did all the household work, but her husband was always able to find mistakes. Aruna kept working harder and harder so her husband could no longer find faults, she wanted to prove it to him that she could get it right. However, her husband found one way or another to put her down.

Was Aruna’s approach right? No, because she focused entirely on proving herself right. The end result was that she was unhappy in spite of working so hard in the house. She felt like she was doing a thankless job.

If you want to be happy, no one can make you unhappy. Your happiness always lies in your own hands. Aruna could’ve easily calmed herself down and had an open conversation with her husband, looking for ways to improve their relationship. But she chose unhappiness.

According to Yoga, marriage is an opportunity to find out that you are not the only one around whom the universe revolves. In a situation like this, it is an opportunity for the husband to understand humility, be humble, learn to walk in another person’s shoes and to become sensitive to his wife’s feelings.

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16

MASTER PARENTING

The birth of a child impacts the husband–wife equation dramatically—their social life, personal life, sex life, finances, eating habits, sleep patterns and every aspect of life. On the positive side, a child is an opportunity for the parents to bond even more and relive their childhood all over again. If you are open-minded, then your child can teach you to be young once again—to play, to fool around, to live life fully, to be carefree.

As the child grows older, On the day-to-day level, discipline has to be coupled with compassion; the child should be made aware of his duties; for example, help you in the house, but discipline has to be balanced with fun. Creating a time slot for poetry, games and sharing jokes balances the serious ‘discipline’ aspect. Let love be the guiding force.

On being asked for advice on parenting, a yogi picked up a handful of sand and gave it to the mother. ‘Hold it tight,’ he told her, and on doing this the sand started to slip between her fingers. ‘Now keep the palm open,’ he said. The wind blew away the sand from the open palm. Only when the woman cupped her palm, could she hold on to the sand. Children, like sand, cannot be totally restricted nor can they be allowed total freedom; the right mix is essential.

Remember that an apple tree can only bear apples, not mangoes.

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17

STRIKE A MENTAL BALANCE

All was happy and well in Ayushi and Vaibhav’s marriage until Vaibhav started feeling stress due to his job. Soon the levels of stress increased and he started having anxiety and panic attacks. Not only did this strain their relationship but it also burdened Ayushi emotionally. Vaibhav wasn’t being open about his stress and just kept aloof.

If only, Vaibhav would’ve realised that marriage is all about communication and helping each other! Ayushi could have helped him through his situation and helped ease the situation at home. You need to be honest with yourself, followed by honesty with your partner. This is the only way you can help each other to strike a mental balance.

Yoga teaches you just that, to turn inwards. You can’t change the situation but you can definitely change the way you react to the situation. Buddha had once said that when someone shoots an arrow at you, instead of finding that person, first remove that arrow from your leg. No one else can enter inside you other than your own self. It is only when you know yourself better, that you will be able to pull yourself out through tough times. This process can be a lot lighter when you have the support of your partner.

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18

MANAGE FINANCES TOGETHER

No two people in a marriage are alike. And when you throw money into the equation, their outlook is going to be even more different. One of them might want to go on a vacation and the other might want to buy a gadget. Yoga advocates that you get to know yourself and your thoughts before you start planning finances with your partner. It is important for a married couple to identify their individual life goals, prioritize them and then work towards them. Understand your earning and spending capacity and then work accordingly. You could decide to have both individual as well as joint bank accounts, but when it comes to finances and marriage, transparency is one thing that you must maintain with your partner at all times. Keep each other well-informed, communicate better, maintain an emergency fund, and keep a track of your budget.

Don’t let money be the cause of your misery and become a strain in your married life. Remember, when it comes to managing your money, moderation is the key.

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19

GIVE AND TAKE FREEDOM

Freedom is very important in any relationship. No matter how much you love your partner, giving them their own space is very important. Rajesh loved his wife very much, however, he just had one complaint. She kept messaging him, asking his whereabouts. So, what should Rajesh do in such a situation? Rajesh could text her himself, “Honey, I have reached office” or “Stuck in a meeting, can’t wait to see you.” Sooner or later, his wife will stop pestering him.

Try to understand the situation and then respond to it. Understand your partner’s behaviour and don’t give unnecessary advice. Similarly, speak up when the situation demands.

No partner should ever feel suffocated in a marriage. Learn when to give space, and when to give attention. In Rajesh’s case, the wife clearly needed some reassurance, whereas he needed some space. The solution was to meet each other halfway. That’s how marriages work, don’t they? A delicate yet beautiful balance of give and take.

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20

CULTIVATE FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE

How strong is your friendship with your partner? When your spouse is also your friend, every challenge becomes surmountable.

The basis for marriage has to be friendship, because that is what unites a couple. If you listen carefully to the marriage mantras when a couple takes the ceremonial seven steps around the fire, it says: With these seven steps you have become my friend. May I deserve your friendship. May my friendship make me one with you. May your friendship make you one with me.

Being friends with your spouse is guaranteed to make your marriage more fun for both of you. It will help deepen your bond and you will have more shared activities, free and open communication and a much more fulfilling marriage.

In my marriage with Dr Jayadeva, we remained best friends throughout. But marriage is not a bed of roses. You have to work at it, and it is the work that draws you together. We also had a lot of ups and downs, but our friendship helped sustain our love.

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PRACTICE YOGA FOR A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE

Saloni pulls out three saris from her cupboard—she loves all of them—and asks her husband, Bob, to help her pick one for the evening’s party. Saloni gets to wear what she likes and her husband is happy that he was consulted. Everybody’s happy. That’s a win-win strategy.

A man and a woman are different in many aspects as a woman thinks from her heart and the man with his head. Thus one person’s logic rules thinking, while the other’s emotions may dominate more. Therefore, a person can become whole only when he or she develops both areas. Regular practice of the yoga way of living helps a couple to overcome their misunderstandings and make them aware of their true dharma, that is moral duty. Otherwise it manifests in personal grudges, likes and dislikes, hatred, envy, jealousy and greed. This may lead to stress, illness, chaos, cacophony, conflicts and confusion. Both the mind and body become afflicted.

Yoga way of life will help infuse your marriage with discipline, clarity, commitment, responsibility and most importantly, adaptability. You will also learn to adjust and appreciate the other. A happy married life will help you to reach a blissful state of completeness, and a happy person is an asset to society.

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I would like to express my gratitude to Deepa Thukral and Juhi Arora for editing the contents of this eBook and to Rupa Publications for publishing it.

We hope that this eBook benefits the readers and takes forward The Yoga Institute’s vision and mission to spread the awareness and goodness of yoga and its philosophy to as many householders as possible.

Dr Hansaji J YogendraThe Yoga Institute, Mumbai