a happy married life.docx

8/20/2019 A Happy Married Life.docx

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A Happy Married LifeA Buddhist Perspective

by

Ven. K. Sri Dhammananda© 2 !

Contents• ". #ntr$ducti$n• 2. %he &ature $f L$ve and P'easure• (. %he )ea'ity $f Married Life• *. %he Buddhist +$ncept $f Marria,e• !. %he )e'i,i$us Di'emma• -. Security )espect and )esp$nsibi'ities• /. P$'y,amy $r M$n$,amy• 0. &e1 %echn$'$,y• . M$ra'ity• " . %he 3ast and the 4est• "". +e'ibacy• "2. Summary• Appendi5 #6 %he A7ecti$nate M$ther• Appendi5 ##6 M$ra' +$de

Foreword

8r$m time immem$ria' man has been pre$ccupied 1ith the pursuit $f happinessin 'ife fr$m the crad'e t$ the ,rave. He 1$r9s and stru,,'es very hard t$ attainhappiness very $ften 1ith$ut 9n$1in, e5act'y 1hat happiness means because $f his i,n$rance $f the nature $f 'ife. A'th$u,h a'' re'i,i$ns pr$vide advice and,uide'ines f$r their adherents t$ practice in $rder t$ attain happiness in 'ife m$re$ften than n$t these advices and ,uide'ines are i,n$red $1in, t$ man:s cravin,hatred and i''usi$n. Many pe$p'e 1h$ e5perienced frustrati$ns and su7erin,sh$pe and pray t$ ;nd happiness f$r present 'ife and here after< $thers th$u,hen=$yin, a 'ar,e measure $f happiness $n earth are sti'' n$t c$ntented and cravef$r eterna' b'iss in heaven after 'eavin, this 1$r'd. 8$r the $rdinary man as f$r

the chi'd it is di>cu't t$ ma9e a distincti$n bet1een happiness and p'easure. %$him that 1hich ,ives p'easure ,ive happiness and t$ be happy is t$ e5periencep'easure.

Very $ften 1e c$nsider chi'dh$$d days t$ be a peri$d $f happiness. #n rea'ity aschi'dren 1e d$ n$t understand 1hat happiness is. ?nder the pr$tecti$n $f $urparents 1e pass $ur days in a perpetua' r$und $f en=$yment 1hich und$ubted'y,ives us p'easure. As 1e enter ad$'escence chan,es ta9e p'ace in the mind andphysica' b$dy causin, us t$ bec$me a1are $f the e5istence $f the $pp$site se5and 1e be,in t$ e5perience a ne1 9ind $f attracti$n ,ivin, rise t$ disturbin,em$ti$ns. At the same time curi$sity drives us t$ ;nd $ut ab$ut the facts $f 'ifethr$u,h peer discussi$n and b$$9 readin,. Bef$re '$n, 1e ;nd $urse'ves $n thethresh$'d $f adu'th$$d the crucia' time in $ur 'ife 1hen 1e '$$9 f$r a suitab'e

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'ife@partner t$ be,in a re'ati$nship that 1i'' put t$ the test a'' the ua'ities that1e have ac uired ear'ier in 'ife. L$ve se5 and marria,e then bec$me matters $f,reat imp$rtance that 1i'' determine the ua'ity $f the married 'ife 1e 1i'' have.

$un, pe$p'e t$day are e5p$sed t$ a 'ar,e variety $f C4esternC in uences 1hichare disseminated thr$u,h the mass media such as b$$9s and ma,aEineste'evisi$n vide$ cassettes and m$vies resu'tin, in the ac uisiti$n $f dist$rtedideas re,ardin, '$ve se5 and marria,e. %he a,e@$'d C3asternC m$ra' virtues andva'ues are bein, ,radua''y er$ded in the face $f these in uences. Practicesunheard $f and never carried $ut by the $'der ,enerati$n have bec$me c$mm$np'ace am$n, y$un, pe$p'e t$day. Are the C4esternC in uences rea''y resp$nsib'ef$r this state $f a7airs $r sh$u'd the parents be b'amed f$r the misdeeds $f theirchi'dren f$r n$t e5ercisin, pr$per c$ntr$' and supervisi$n $ver themF #n thisb$$9 it is e5p'ained that m$st te'evisi$n pr$,rams and m$vies d$ n$t representthe 1ay m$st decent pe$p'e in the 4est thin9 $r behave and that there is a vast

Csi'ent ma=$rityC $f decent c$up'es 1h$ are as deep'y re'i,i$us andCc$nservativeC ab$ut '$ve se5 and marria,e as any C3asternC c$up'e. #f y$un,pe$p'e 1ant t$ ape the 4est they are advised t$ ape this Csi'ent ma=$rityC 1h$are n$ di7erent fr$m their decent nei,hb$r 1h$ 'ives ne5t d$$r t$ them.

M$dern 'ife is frau,ht 1ith a'' 9inds $f tensi$n and stress. D$ubt'ess very $ften itis tensi$n and stress that creates pr$b'ems in many a marria,e. #f a pr$perana'ysis is made int$ the r$$t causes $f such s$cia' pr$b'ems as pre@marita' se5teena,e pre,nancies unhappy marria,es and div$rces chi'd@abuse and 1ife@batterin, 1e inevitab'y disc$ver that it is due main'y t$ se';shness and 'ac9 $fpatience t$'erance and mutua' understandin,. #n the Sigalovada Sutta, theBuddha ,ives ,$$d advice $n h$1 t$ maintain peace and harm$ny in the h$mebet1een husband and 1ife in $rder t$ achieve a happy married 'ife. Parenta'resp$nsibi'ities f$r chi'dren and the chi'dren:s duties t$1ard parents are a's$c'ear'y menti$ned in the Sutta as usefu' ,uide'ines f$r the attainment $f a happyh$me. #n this b$$9 the Ven. Auth$r stresses the imp$rtant p$int that marria,e isa partnership $f t1$ individua's and that this partnership is enriched andenhanced 1hen it a''$1s the pers$na'ities inv$'ved t$ ,r$1. #n the Buddhistperspective marria,e means understandin, and respectin, each $ther:s be'iefsand privacy. %he present time is m$st $pp$rtune f$r a b$$9 $f this nature t$ bepub'ished t$ pr$vide the f$''$1ers $f the Buddhist re'i,i$n in particu'ar the

y$un, 1ith a c'ear understandin, $f 'ife:s imp$rtant matters 'i9e '$ve se5 andmarria,e 1hich 1i'' n$t $n'y he'p them t$ 'ive a happy married 'ife but a's$ assistthem t$ 'ead peacefu' and c$ntented 'ives.

Gn beha'f $f the Buddhist Missi$nary S$ciety # 1ish t$ e5press $ur sincere,ratitude and appreciati$n t$ many $f $ur dev$ted members f$r a'' the he'p andservices rendered in the preparati$n $f this b$$9. Gur specia' than9s are due t$6Mr. Vi=aya Samara1ic9rama f$r underta9in, the edit$ria' 1$r9 Mr. %eh %hean+h$$ Miss uah Pin Pin and Mrs. +h$n, H$n, +h$$ f$r their va'uab'e assistanceand Mr. Pa1 G$ %hett $f Burma f$r the c$ver desi,n.

%an %ei9 Ben, ISM SMS KM& PK%

Vice President Buddhist Missi$nary S$ciety


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8$rmer Direct$r Department $f 3ducati$n Se'an,$r.2 December " 0-

Introduction

8r$m the Buddhist p$int $f vie1 marria,e is neither h$'y n$r unh$'y. Buddhismd$es n$t re,ard marria,e as a re'i,i$us duty n$r as a sacrament that is $rdainedin heaven. A cynic has said that 1hi'e s$me pe$p'e be'ieve that marria,e isp'anned in heaven $thers say that it is rec$rded in he'' a's$J Marria,e is basica''ya pers$na' and s$cia' $b'i,ati$n it is n$t c$mpu's$ry. Man and 1$man must havefreed$m either t$ ,et married $r t$ remain sin,'e. %his d$es n$t mean thatBuddhism is a,ainst marria,e. &$b$dy in this 1$r'd 1$u'd say that marria,e isbad and there is n$ re'i,i$n 1hich is a,ainst marria,e.

Practica''y a'' 'ivin, thin,s c$me int$ bein, as a resu't $f se5 'ife. Am$n, human

bein,s the instituti$n $f marria,e has c$me ab$ut s$ that s$ciety ,uaranteesthe perpetuati$n $f the human species and a's$ ensures that the y$un, 1$u'd becared f$r. %his is based $n the ar,ument that chi'dren b$rn thr$u,h the p'easure$f se5 must be the resp$nsibi'ity $f the partners inv$'ved at 'east unti' they have,r$1n up. And marria,e ensures that this resp$nsibi'ity is uphe'd and carried $ut.

A s$ciety ,r$1s thr$u,h a net1$r9 $f re'ati$nships 1hich are mutua''y inter@t1ined and inter@dependent. 3very re'ati$nship is a 1h$'e@hearted c$mmitmentt$ supp$rt and t$ pr$tect $thers in a ,r$up $r c$mmunity. Marria,e p'ays a veryimp$rtant part in this str$n, 1eb $f re'ati$nships $f ,ivin, supp$rt and

pr$tecti$n. A ,$$d marria,e sh$u'd ,r$1 and deve'$p ,radua''y fr$munderstandin, and n$t impu'se fr$m true '$ya'ty and n$t =ust sheer indu',ence. %he instituti$n $f marria,e pr$vides a ;ne basis f$r the deve'$pment $f cu'ture ade'i,htfu' ass$ciati$n $f t1$ individua's t$ be nurtured and t$ be free fr$m'$ne'iness deprivati$n and fear. #n marria,e each partner deve'$ps ac$mp'ementary r$'e ,ivin, stren,th and m$ra' c$ura,e t$ $ne an$ther eachmanifestin, a supp$rtive and appreciative rec$,niti$n $f the $ther:s s9i'' incarin, and pr$vidin, f$r a fami'y. %here must be n$ th$u,ht $f either man $r1$man bein, superi$r each is c$mp'ementary t$ the $ther< marria,e is apartnership $f e ua'ity ,ent'eness ,ener$sity ca'm and dedicati$n.

#n Buddhism $ne can ;nd a'' the necessary advice 1hich can he'p $ne t$ 'ead ahappy married 'ife. Gne sh$u'd n$t ne,'ect the advice ,iven by the 3n'i,htened

%eacher if $ne rea''y 1ants t$ 'ead a happy married 'ife. #n His disc$urses theBuddha ,ave vari$us 9inds $f advice f$r married c$up'es and f$r th$se 1h$ arec$ntemp'atin, marria,e. %he Buddha has said C#f a man can ;nd a suitab'e andunderstandin, 1ife and a 1$man can ;nd a suitab'e and understandin,husband b$th are f$rtunate indeed.C

2. The Nature of Love and Pleasure

Love

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%here are di7erent 9inds $f '$ve and these are vari$us'y e5pressed as m$ther'y'$ve br$ther'y '$ve sensua' '$ve em$ti$na' '$ve se5ua' '$ve se';sh '$vese' ess '$ve and universa' '$ve.

#f pe$p'e deve'$p $n'y their carna' $r se';sh '$ve t$1ards each $ther that type $f '$ve cann$t 'ast '$n,. #n a true '$ve re'ati$nship $ne sh$u'd n$t as9 h$1 much$ne can ,et but h$1 much $ne can ,ive.

4hen beauty c$mp'e5i$n and y$uth start t$ fade a1ay a husband 1h$c$nsiders $n'y the physica' aspects $f '$ve may thin9 $f ac uirin, an$ther y$un,$ne. %hat type $f '$ve is anima' '$ve $r 'ust. #f a man rea''y deve'$ps '$ve as ane5pressi$n $f human c$ncern f$r an$ther bein, he 1i'' n$t 'ay emphasis $n'y $nthe e5terna' beauty and physica' attractiveness $f his partner. %he beauty andattractiveness $f his partner sh$u'd be in his heart and mind n$t in 1hat hesees. Li9e1ise the 1ife 1h$ f$''$1s Buddhist teachin,s 1i'' never ne,'ect her

husband even th$u,h he has bec$me $'d p$$r $r sic9.

C# have a fear that the m$dern ,ir' '$ves t$ be Iu'iet t$ have a d$Een )$me$s.She '$ves adventure . . . . . %he m$dern ,ir' dresses n$t t$ pr$tect herse'f fr$m1ind rain and sun but t$ attract attenti$n. She impr$ves up$n nature bypaintin, herse'f and '$$9in, e5tra$rdinary.C

andhi

Sex

Se5 by itse'f is n$t Cevi' C a'th$u,h the temptati$n and cravin, f$r it invariab'ydisturbs the peace $f mind and hence is n$t c$nducive t$ spiritua' deve'$pment.

#n the idea' situati$n se5 is the physica' cu'minati$n $f a deep'y satisfyin,em$ti$na' re'ati$nship 1here b$th partners ,ive and ta9e e ua''y.

%he p$rtraya' $f '$ve by c$mmercia' ,r$ups thr$u,h the mass media in 1hat 1eca'' C1esternC cu'ture is n$t Crea'C '$ve. 4hen an anima' 1ants t$ have se5 itsh$1s its C'$ve C but after havin, e5perienced se5 it =ust f$r,ets ab$ut '$ve. 8$r

anima's se5 is =ust an instinctive drive necessary f$r pr$creati$n. But a humanbein, has much m$re t$ $7er in the c$ncept $f '$ve. Duties and resp$nsibi'itiesare imp$rtant in,redients t$ maintain unity harm$ny and understandin, in are'ati$nship bet1een human bein,s.

Se5 is n$t the m$st imp$rtant in,redient f$r happiness in a married 'ife. %h$se1h$ have bec$me s'aves t$ se5 1$u'd $n'y ruin '$ve and humanity in marria,e.Apart fr$m that a 1$man must cease t$ c$nsider herse'f as the $b=ect $f aman:s 'ust. %he remedy is m$re in her hand than in a man:s. She must refuse t$ad$rn herse'f simp'y t$ p'ease a man even if he is her husband. #f she 1ants t$be an e ua' partner 1ith a man she sh$u'd dress s$ that her di,nity is


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enhanced and she d$es n$t bec$me a se5 symb$'. Marria,e f$r the satisfacti$n$f the se5ua' appetite is n$ marria,e. #t is c$ncupiscence. andhiN

L$ve may indeed be a pr$duct $f se5 but the reverse is 'i9e1ise true6 se5 is ane5pressi$n $f '$ve. #n the idea''y happy married 'ife b$th '$ve and se5 areinseparab'e.

The Buddha's Ex lanation

4e can study the Buddha:s teachin, re,ardin, the fee'in,s that man and 1$manhave f$r each $ther. %he Buddha says that he had never seen any $b=ect in this1$r'd 1hich attracts man:s attenti$n m$re than the ;,ure $f a 1$man. At thesame time the main attracti$n f$r the 1$man is the ;,ure $f a man. #t meansthat by nature 1$man and man ,ive each $ther 1$r'd'y p'easure. %hey cann$t,ain happiness $f this 9ind fr$m any $ther $b=ect. 4hen 1e $bserve verycarefu''y 1e n$tice that am$n, a'' the thin,s 1hich pr$vide p'easure there is n$$ther $b=ect that can p'ease a'' the ;ve senses at the same time beside the ma'eand fema'e ;,ures.

%he ancient ree9s 9ne1 this 1hen they said that $ri,ina''y man and 1$man1ere $ne. %hey 1ere separated and the t1$ parts that 1ere divided arec$nstant'y see9in, t$ be re@united as man and 1$man.

Pleasure

$un, pe$p'e by nature 'i9e t$ indu',e in 1$r'd'y p'easures 1hich can inc'udeb$th ,$$d and bad thin,s. $$d thin,s 'i9e the en=$yment $f music p$etrydance ,$$d f$$d dress and simi'ar pursuits d$ n$ harm t$ the b$dy. %hey $n'ydistract us fr$m seein, the eetin, nature and uncertainty $f e5istence andthereby de'ay $ur bein, ab'e t$ perceive the true nature $f the se'f.

%he facu'ties and senses $f y$un, pe$p'e are very fresh and a'ert< they are very9een t$ satisfy a'' the ;ve senses. A'm$st everyday they p'an and thin9 $ut 1aysand means t$ e5perience s$me f$rm $f p'easure. By the very nature $fe5istence $ne 1i'' never be c$mp'ete'y satis;ed 1ith 1hatever p'easure $nee5periences and the resu'tant cravin, in turn $n'y creates m$re an5ieties and1$rries.

4hen 1e thin9 deep'y ab$ut it 1e can understand that 'ife is n$thin, but adream. #n the end 1hat d$ 1e ,ain fr$m attachment t$ this 'ifeF Gn'y m$re1$rries disapp$intments and frustrati$ns. 4e may have en=$yed brief m$ments$f p'easure but in the ;na' ana'ysis 1e must try t$ ;nd $ut 1hat the rea'purp$se $f $ur 'ives is.

4hen $ne ceases t$ crave f$r sensua' p'easure and d$es n$t see9 t$ ;ndphysica' c$mf$rt in the c$mpany $f $thers the need f$r marria,e d$es n$t arise.Su7erin, and 1$r'd'y en=$yment are b$th the $utc$me $f cravin, attachment


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and em$ti$n. #f 1e try t$ c$ntr$' and suppress $ur em$ti$ns by ad$ptin,unrea'istic tactics 1e create disturbances in $ur mind and in $ur physica' b$dy.

%heref$re 1e must 9n$1 h$1 t$ hand'e and c$ntr$' $ur human passi$n. 4ith$utabusin, $r misusin, this passi$n 1e can tame $ur desires thr$u,h pr$perunderstandin,.

!. The "ealit# of $arried Life

I$hn I. )$bins$n in his b$$9 Of Suchness ,ives the f$''$1in, advice $n '$ve se5and married 'ife. CBe carefu' and discreet< it is much easier t$ ,et married thanunmarried. #f y$u have the ri,ht mate it:s heaven'y< but if n$t y$u 'ive in at1enty@f$ur@h$ur dai'y he'' that c'in,s c$nstant'y t$ y$u it can be $ne $f them$st bitter thin,s in 'ife. Life is indeed stran,e. S$meh$1 1hen y$u ;nd theri,ht $ne y$u 9n$1 it in y$ur heart. #t is n$t =ust an infatuati$n $f the m$ment.But the p$1erfu' ur,es $f se5 drive a y$un, pers$n head'$n, int$ b'ind acts and$ne cann$t trust his fee'in,s t$$ much. %his is especia''y true if $ne drin9s and,et befudd'ed< the m$st '$usy s'ut in a dar9 bar can '$$9 'i9e a Venus then andher charms bec$me irresistib'e. L$ve is much m$re than se5 th$u,h< it is thebi$'$,ica' f$undati$n bet1een a man and a 1$man< '$ve and se5 ,et a'' inter@t1ined and mi5ed up.C

Pro%le&s

A'm$st everyday 1e hear pe$p'e c$mp'ainin, ab$ut their marria,es. Very se'd$m

d$ 1e hear st$ries ab$ut a happy marria,e. $un, pe$p'e readin, r$manticn$ve's and seein, r$mantic ;'ms $ften c$nc'ude that marria,e is a bed $f r$ses.?nf$rtunate'y marria,e is n$t as s1eet as $ne thin9s. Marria,e and pr$b'emsare interre'ated and pe$p'e must remember that 1hen they are ,ettin, marriedthey 1i'' have t$ face pr$b'ems and resp$nsibi'ities that they had never e5pected$r e5perienced hithert$.

Pe$p'e $ften thin9 that it is a duty t$ ,et married and that marria,e is a veryimp$rtant event in their 'ives. H$1ever in $rder t$ ensure a successfu' marria,ea c$up'e has t$ harm$niEe their 'ives by minimiEin, 1hatever di7erences theymay have bet1een them. Marita' pr$b'ems pr$mpted a cynic t$ say that therecan $n'y be a peacefu' married 'ife if the marria,e is bet1een a b'ind 1ife and adeaf husband f$r the b'ind 1ife cann$t see the fau'ts $f the husband and a deafhusband cann$t hear the na,,in, $f his 1ife.

Sharin and Trust

Gne $f the ma=$r causes $f marita' pr$b'ems is suspici$n and mistrust. Marria,eis a b'essin, but many pe$p'e ma9e it a curse due t$ 'ac9 $f understandin,.

B$th husband and 1ife sh$u'd sh$1 imp'icit trust f$r $ne an$ther and try n$t t$have secrets bet1een them. Secrets create suspici$n suspici$n 'eads t$

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=ea'$us'y =ea'$usy ,enerates an,er an,er causes enmity and enmity may resu'tin separati$n suicide $r even murder.

#f a c$up'e can share pain and p'easure in their day@t$@day 'ife they can c$ns$'eeach $ther and minimiEe their ,rievances. %hus the 1ife $r husband sh$u'd n$te5pect t$ e5perience $n'y p'easure. %here 1i'' be a '$t $f painfu' miserab'ee5periences that they 1i'' have t$ face. %hey must have the str$n, 1i'' p$1er t$reduce their burdens and misunderstandin,s. Discussin, mutua' pr$b'ems 1i'',ive them c$n;dence t$ 'ive t$,ether 1ith better understandin,.

Man and 1$man need the c$mf$rt $f each $ther 1hen facin, pr$b'ems anddi>cu'ties. %he fee'in,s $f insecurity and unrest 1i'' disappear and 'ife 1i'' bem$re meanin,fu' happy and interestin, if there is s$me$ne 1h$ is 1i''in, t$share an$ther:s burden.

Blinded %# E&otions

4hen t1$ pe$p'e are in '$ve they tend t$ sh$1 $n'y the best aspects $f theirnature and character t$ each $ther in $rder t$ pr$=ect a ,$$d impressi$n $fthemse'ves. L$ve is said t$ be b'ind and hence pe$p'e in '$ve tend t$ bec$mec$mp'ete'y $b'ivi$us $f the dar9er side $f each $ther:s natures.

#n practice each 1i'' try t$ hi,h'i,ht his $r her ster'in, ua'ities t$ the $ther andbein, s$ en,r$ssed in '$ve they tend t$ accept each $ther at Cface va'ueC $n'y.3ach '$ver 1i'' n$t disc'$se the dar9er side $f his $r her nature f$r fear $f '$sin,the $ther. Any pers$na' sh$rtc$min,s are discreet'y s1ept under the carpet s$t$ spea9 s$ as n$t t$ =e$pardiEe their chances $f 1innin, each $ther. Pe$p'e in'$ve a's$ tend t$ i,n$re their partner:s fau'ts thin9in, that they 1i'' be ab'e t$c$rrect them after marria,e $r that they can 'ive 1ith these fau'ts that C'$ve 1i''c$n uer a''.C

H$1ever after marria,e as the initia' r$mantic m$$d 1ears $7 the true nature$f each $ther:s character 1i'' be revea'ed. %hen much t$ the disapp$intment $fb$th parties the pr$verbia' vei' that had s$ far been c$ncea'in, the innerm$stfee'in,s $f each partner is rem$ved t$ e5p$se the true nature $f b$th partners. #t

is then that disi''usi$n sets in.

$aterial Needs

L$ve by itse'f d$es n$t subsist $n fresh air and sunshine a'$ne. %he present 1$r'dis a materia'istic 1$r'd and in $rder t$ meet y$ur materia' needs pr$per;nancin, and bud,etin, is essentia'. 4ith$ut it n$ fami'y can 'ive c$mf$rtab'y.Such a situati$n apt'y bears $ut the sayin, that C1hen p$verty 9n$c9s at thed$$r '$ve ies thr$u,h the 1ind$1.C %his d$es n$t mean that $ne must be rich t$ma9e a marria,e 1$r9. H$1ever if $ne has the basic necessities $f 'ife pr$vided

thr$u,h a secure =$b and carefu' p'annin, many unnecessary an5ieties can berem$ved fr$m a marria,e.


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%he disc$mf$rt $f p$verty can be averted if there is c$mp'ete understandin,bet1een the c$up'e. B$th partners must understand the va'ue $f c$ntentment.B$th must treat a'' pr$b'ems as C$ur pr$b'emsC and share a'' the CupsC andCd$1nsC in the true spirit $f a '$n,@standin, 'ife partnership.

Pre(&arria e )dvice

%he An,uttara &i9aya c$ntains s$me va'uab'e advice 1hich the Buddha ,ave t$y$un, ,ir's pri$r t$ their marria,e. )ea'iEin, that there c$u'd be di>cu'ties 1iththe ne1 in@'a1s the ,ir's 1ere en=$ined t$ ,ive every respect t$ their m$thers@in@'a1 and fathers@in@'a1 servin, them '$vin,'y as their $1n parents. %hey 1eree5pected t$ h$n$r and respect their husband:s re'atives and friends thuscreatin, a c$n,enia' and happy atm$sphere in their ne1 h$mes.

%hey 1ere a's$ advised t$ study and understand their husbands: naturesascertain their activities characters and temperaments and t$ be usefu' andc$$perative at a'' times in their ne1 h$mes. %hey sh$u'd be p$'ite 9ind and1atchfu' $f their husbands: earnin,s and see t$ it that a'' h$useh$'de5penditures 1ere pr$per'y administered. %he advice ,iven by the Buddha m$rethan t1enty ;ve centuries a,$ is sti'' va'id even t$day.

*. The Buddhist Conce t of $arria e

#n vie1 $f 1hat has been said ab$ut Cbirth and su7erin, C s$me pe$p'e have

criticiEed Buddhism sayin, that is a,ainst married 'ife. %hey are 1r$n,. %heBuddha never sp$9e a,ainst married 'ife. H$1ever he p$inted $ut a'' thepr$b'ems di>cu'ties and 1$rries that pe$p'e 1$u'd have t$ face 1hen they ta9e$n the resp$nsibi'ity $f marria,e. Iust because he 1arned $ne a,ainst pr$b'emsin marria,e d$es n$t mean that the Buddha c$ndemned marria,e.

%he act $f marria,e itse'f imp'ies that a pers$n is sti'' m$re attached t$ thephysica' 1$r'd and since $ur menta' facu'ties are in uenced by cravin,attachment and human em$ti$ns it is but natura' that pr$b'ems 1$u'd arise.

%his happens 1hen 1e have t$ c$nsider the need $f $thers and t$ ,ive in t$ 1hat$thers need.

"ole of "eli ion

A deep ana'ysis $f the nature $f se'f is imp$rtant t$ he'p us t$ understand the$ri,in $f $ur pr$b'ems 1$rries miseries and h$1 t$ $verc$me them. Herere'i,i$us advice is imp$rtant f$r maintainin, a tran ui' 'ife. H$1ever a mansh$u'd n$t bec$me a s'ave t$ any re'i,i$n. Man is n$t f$r re'i,i$n re'i,i$n is f$rman. %hat means man must 9n$1 h$1 t$ ma9e use $f re'i,i$n f$r his bettermentand f$r his happiness in a respectab'e 1ay. Simp'y by f$''$1in, certain re'i,i$us

v$1s precepts $r c$mmandments 1ith b'ind faith $r by f$rce thin9in, that 1eare duty@b$und t$ $bserve them 1i'' n$t deve'$p pr$per understandin,.



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Gne imp$rtant aspect $f Buddhism is that the Buddha did n$t imp$se anyre'i,i$us 'a1s $r c$mmandments. %he Buddha 1as a uni ue teacher 1h$ had set$ut a number $f discip'inary c$des f$r us t$ uph$'d acc$rdin, t$ $ur 1ay $f 'ife.

%h$se 1h$ f$''$1 the precepts $bserve them v$'untari'y but n$t as $b'i,at$ryre'i,i$us 'a1s. #t is up t$ us t$ f$''$1 the advice thr$u,h $ur $1n understandin,

and e5perience $f 1hat is ,$$d f$r us and f$r $thers. %hr$u,h tria' and err$r 1e1i'' 'earn t$ f$''$1 the advice 1hich 1i'' ,ive us =ust peace and happiness.

Gne sh$u'd try t$ understand the nature $f the 1$r'd'y 'ife. By 9n$1in, that y$uhave t$ face pr$b'ems y$u 1i'' be ab'e t$ stren,then y$ur mind and be m$reprepared t$ face the pr$b'ems that c$u'd arise if y$u ,et married. )e'i,i$n isimp$rtant t$ he'p y$u $verc$me y$ur pr$b'ems. 4hatever y$u 'earned ab$utre'i,i$us princip'e 1hen y$u 1ere y$un, can be ad$pted t$ av$idmisunderstandin, disapp$intment and frustrati$n. At the same time certain,$$d ua'ities such as patience and understandin, 1hich 1e 'earned thr$u,h

re'i,i$n are imp$rtant assets t$ he'p us t$ 'ead a peacefu' married 'ife.

&$rma''y it is due t$ a 'ac9 $f mutua' understandin, that many married c$up'es'ead miserab'e 'ives. %he resu't $f this is that their inn$cent chi'dren a's$ have t$su7er. #t is better t$ 9n$1 h$1 t$ hand'e y$ur pr$b'ems in $rder t$ 'ead a happymarried 'ife. )e'i,i$n can he'p y$u t$ d$ this.

+. The "eli ious ,ile&&a

Individual "i htsGne $f the causes $f ,reatest c$ncern am$n, th$se 1h$ d$ n$t be'$n, t$ then$n@semitic re'i,i$ns is the pr$b'em $f c$nversi$n bef$re marria,e. 4hi'eBuddhists and Hindus never demand that a c$up'e must be'$n, t$ the samere'i,i$n bef$re a marria,e can be s$'emniEed many $thers tend t$ ta9eadvanta,e $f this t$'erance.

Marria,e c$ntrary t$ 1hat many r$mantic n$ve's say d$es n$t mean the t$ta'and abs$'ute mer,in, $f t1$ pe$p'e t$ the e5tent that each '$ses his $r her $1nidentity. 4hen a re'i,i$n demands that b$th partners must have the samere'i,i$us 'abe' it denies the basic human ri,ht $f an individua' t$ be'ieve 1hat he$r she 1ants. S$cieties thr$u,h$ut hist$ry have pr$ved that C?nity in DiversityCis n$t $n'y p$ssib'e but desirab'e. Gut $f diversity c$mes ,reater respect andunderstandin,. %his sh$u'd app'y t$ marria,e a's$. %here are many 'ivin,e5amp'es a'' $ver the 1$r'd 1here the husband and 1ife maintain their $1nbe'iefs and yet are ab'e t$ maintain their happy married 'ife 1ith$ut c$nfr$ntin,each $ther.

Buddhists d$ n$t $pp$se the e5istence $f $ther re'i,i$ns even 1ithin the sameh$useh$'d. ?nf$rtunate'y this ,ener$us attitude has been e5p'$ited by

unscrupu'$us re'i,i$nists 1h$ are $ut t$ ,ain c$nverts by a'' means.



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#nte''i,ent Buddhists must be a1are $f this strata,em. &$ se'f@respectin,inte''i,ent human bein, 1h$ rea''y understands 1hat he be'ieves acc$rdin, t$his $1n c$nvicti$n sh$u'd ,ive up his be'iefs mere'y t$ satisfy the man@madedemands $f an$ther re'i,i$n. Buddhists d$ n$t demand that their partnersembrace Buddhism. &either sh$u'd they surrender their $1n be'iefs.

Post(&arria e Blues

4hen y$un, pe$p'e are in '$ve they are prepared t$ ma9e many sacri;ces s$'$n, as they can ,et married. But after a fe1 years 1hen the rea' tas9 $fbui'din, a successfu' marria,e be,ins frustrati$ns be,in t$ set in. 4hen apartner 1h$ had ,iven up his deep@seated re'i,i$us be'iefs f$r C'$veC be,ins t$re,ret havin, d$ne s$ unnecessary misunderstandin,s arise. %hese pr$videadded tensi$ns at a peri$d 1hen there is b$red$m in a marria,e. %here 1i'' be

uarre's. And n$rma''y $ne $f the main causes $f these uarre's 1i'' be theuesti$n $f 1hich re'i,i$n the chi'dren sh$u'd be'$n, t$.

%heref$re it is m$st imp$rtant f$r $ne t$ 9n$1 that if there is a pr$cess $fc$nversi$n inv$'ved it must be based $n true c$nvicti$n and n$t merec$nvenience $r c$mpu'si$n. Buddhists maintain the freed$m $f the individua' t$ch$$se. %his princip'e sh$u'd be respected by a''.

The Cere&on#

%here is n$ speci;c Buddhist ritua' $r pr$cedure t$ c$nduct a marria,e.Buddhism rec$,niEes the traditi$ns and cu'tures practiced by pe$p'e in di7erentc$untries. Hence Buddhist re'i,i$us cerem$nies di7er fr$m $ne c$untry t$an$ther.

#n ,enera' practice a re'i,i$us service f$r b'essin, and t$ ,ive advice t$ thec$up'e is cust$mari'y perf$rmed either in the temp'e $r at h$me t$ ,ive a ,reatersi,ni;cance t$ the marria,e. &$1adays in many c$untries besides the b'essin,service re'i,i$us $r,aniEati$ns a's$ have been ,iven the auth$rity t$ s$'emniEeand re,ister marria,es t$,ether 1ith the issuance $f 'e,a' marria,e certi;cates.

By and 'ar,e the m$st imp$rtant p$int is that the c$up'e sh$u'd be utter'ysincere in their intenti$n t$ c$$perate 1ith and understand each $ther n$t $n'ydurin, times $f happiness but a's$ 1henever they face di>cu'ties.

-. Securit# "es ect and "es onsi%ilities

Sense of Insecurit#

#n the past there 1as n$ such thin, as a 'e,a' re,istrati$n $f marria,es. A manand 1$man mutua''y decided t$ accept each $ther as husband and 1ife and



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thereafter they 'ived t$,ether. %heir marria,e 1as carried $ut in the presence $fthe c$mmunity and separati$n 1as rare. %he m$st #mp$rtant thin, 1as thatthey deve'$ped rea' '$ve and respected their mutua' resp$nsibi'ities.

A 'e,a' re,istrati$n $f marria,e is imp$rtant t$day t$ ensure security and t$safe,uard pr$perty and chi'dren. Due t$ the sense $f insecurity a c$up'eperf$rms 'e,a' marria,es t$ ensure that they are 'e,a''y b$und n$t t$ ne,'ecttheir duties and n$t t$ i''@treat each $ther. %$day s$me c$up'es even dra1 up a'e,a' c$ntract $n 1hat 1$u'd happen t$ their pr$perty if they are div$rcedJ

/us%and and 0ife

Acc$rdin, t$ Buddhist teachin, in a marria,e the husband can e5pect thef$''$1in, ua'ities fr$m his 1ife6

• '$ve

• attentiveness

• fami'y $b'i,ati$ns

• faithfu'ness

• chi'd@care

• thrift

• the pr$visi$n $f mea's

• t$ ca'm him d$1n 1hen he is upset• s1eetness in everythin,

#n return the 1ife:s e5pectati$n fr$m husband is6

• tenderness

• c$urtesy

• s$ciabi'ity

• security

• fairness

• '$ya'ty

• h$nesty

• ,$$d c$mpani$nship

• m$ra' supp$rt

Apart fr$m these em$ti$na' and sensua' aspects the c$up'e 1i'' have t$ ta9ecare $f day@t$@day 'ivin, c$nditi$ns fami'y bud,et and s$cia' $b'i,ati$ns. %husmutua' c$nsu'tati$ns bet1een the husband and 1ife $n a'' fami'y pr$b'ems


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1$u'd he'p t$ create an atm$sphere $f trust and understandin, in res$'vin,1hatever issues that may arise.

The Buddha's )dvice to a Cou le

I . T H E W I F E

#n advisin, 1$men ab$ut their r$'e in married 'ife the Buddha appreciated thatthe peace and harm$ny $f a h$me rested 'ar,e'y $n a 1$man. His advice 1asrea'istic and practica' 1hen he e5p'ained a ,$$d number $f day@t$@daycharacteristics 1hich a 1$man sh$u'd $r sh$u'd n$t cu'tivate. Gn diverse$ccasi$ns the Buddha c$unse'ed that a 1ife sh$u'd6

• aN n$t harb$r evi' th$u,hts a,ainst her husband<

• bN n$t be crue' harsh $r d$mineerin,<• cN n$t be spendthrift but sh$u'd be ec$n$mica' and 'ive 1ithin her means<

• dN ,uard and save her husband:s hard@earned earnin,s and pr$perty<

• eN a'1ays be attentive and chaste in mind and acti$n<

• fN be faithfu' and harb$r n$ th$u,ht $f any adu'ter$us acts<

• ,N be re;ned in speech and p$'ite in acti$n<

• hN be 9ind industri$us and hard1$r9in,<

• iN be th$u,htfu' and c$mpassi$nate t$1ards her husband and her attitudesh$u'd e uate that $f a m$ther:s '$ve and c$ncern f$r the pr$tecti$n $f her$n'y s$n<

• =N be m$dest and respectfu'<

• 9N be c$$' ca'm and understandin, servin, n$t $n'y as a 1ife but a's$as a friend and advis$r 1hen the need arises.

#n the days $f the Buddha $ther re'i,i$us teachers a's$ sp$9e $n the duties and$b'i,ati$ns $f a 1ife t$1ards her husband stressin, particu'ar'y $n the duty $fa 1ife bearin, an $7@sprin, f$r the husband renderin, faithfu' service and

pr$vidin, c$n=u,a' happiness.

S$me c$mmunities are very particu'ar ab$ut havin, a s$n in the fami'y. %heybe'ieve that a s$n is necessary t$ perf$rm their funera' rites s$ that their after@'ife 1i'' be a ,$$d $ne. %he fai'ure t$ ,et a s$n fr$m the ;rst 1ife ,ives a manthe 'iberty t$ have an$ther 1ife in $rder t$ ,et a s$n. Buddhism d$es n$t supp$rtthis be'ief.

Acc$rdin, t$ 1hat the Buddha tau,ht ab$ut the 'a1 $f Karma $ne is resp$nsib'ef$r $ne:s $1n acti$n and its c$nse uences. 4hether a s$n $r a dau,hter is b$rn

is determined n$t by a father $r m$ther but the 9arma $f the chi'd. And the 1e''@bein, $f a father $r ,randfather d$es n$t depend up$n the acti$n $f the s$n $r


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,rands$n. 3ach is resp$nsib'e f$r his $1n acti$ns. S$ it is 1r$n, f$r men t$b'ame their 1ives $r f$r a man t$ fee' inade uate 1hen a s$n is n$t b$rn. Such3n'i,htened %eachin,s he'p t$ c$rrect the vie1s $f many pe$p'e and natura''yreduce the an5iety $f 1$men 1h$ are unab'e t$ pr$duce s$ns t$ perf$rm theCrites $f the ancest$rs.C

A'th$u,h the duties $f a 1ife t$1ards the husband 1ere 'aid d$1n in the+$nfucian c$de $f discip'ine it did n$t stress the duties and $b'i,ati$ns $f thehusband t$1ards the 1ife. #n the Sigalovada Sutta, h$1ever the Buddha c'ear'ymenti$ned the duties $f a husband t$1ards the 1ife and vice versa.

I I . T H E H U S B A N D

%he Buddha in rep'y t$ a h$useh$'der as t$ h$1 a husband sh$u'd minister t$ his1ife dec'ared that the husband sh$u'd a'1ays h$n$r and respect his 1ife by

bein, faithfu' t$ her by ,ivin, her the re uisite auth$rity t$ mana,e d$mestica7airs and by ,ivin, her be;ttin, $rnaments. %his advice ,iven $ver t1enty ;vecenturies a,$ sti'' stands ,$$d f$r t$day.

Kn$1in, the psych$'$,y $f the man 1h$ tends t$ c$nsider himse'f superi$r theBuddha made a remar9ab'e chan,e and up'ifted the status $f a 1$man by asimp'e su,,esti$n that a husband sh$u'd h$n$r and respect his 1ife. A husbandsh$u'd be faithfu' t$ his 1ife 1hich means that a husband sh$u'd fu';'' andmaintain his marita' $b'i,ati$ns t$ his 1ife thus sustainin, the c$n;dence in themarita' re'ati$nship in every sense $f the 1$rd. %he husband bein, a bread@

1inner 1$u'd invariab'y stay a1ay fr$m h$me hence he sh$u'd entrust thed$mestic $r h$useh$'d duties t$ the 1ife 1h$ sh$u'd be c$nsidered as the 9eeperand the distribut$r $f the pr$perty and the h$me ec$n$mic@administrat$r. %hepr$visi$n $f be;ttin, $rnaments t$ the 1ife sh$u'd be symb$'ic $f the husband:s'$ve care and attenti$n sh$1ered $n the 1ife. %his symb$'ic practice has beencarried $ut fr$m time immem$ria' in Buddhist c$mmunities. ?nf$rtunate'y it is indan,er $f dyin, $ut because $f the in uence $f m$dern civi'iEati$n.

The Past

#n the past since the s$cia' structure $f m$st c$mmunities 1as di7erent fr$mthat 1e ;nd t$day a husband and 1ife 1ere interdependent $n each $ther.

%here 1as mutua' understandin, and the re'ati$nship 1as stab'e because each9ne1 e5act'y 1hat his $r her r$'e 1as in the partnership. %he C'$veC that s$mehusbands and 1ives try t$ sh$1 $thers by embracin, each $ther in pub'ic d$esn$t necessari'y indicate true '$ve $r understandin,. #n the past a'th$u,h marriedc$up'es did n$t e5press their '$ve $r inner fee'in, pub'ic'y they had a deep evenunsp$9en understandin, and mutua' respect f$r each $ther.

%he ancient cust$ms 1hich pe$p'e had in certain c$untries that the 1ife mustsacri;ce her 'ife after her husband:s death and a's$ the cust$m 1hich prevents a1id$1 fr$m remarryin, is f$rei,n t$ Buddhism. Buddhism d$es n$t re,ard a 1ifeas bein, inferi$r t$ a husband.


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$odern Societ#

S$me 1$men fee' that f$r them t$ c$ncentrate $n the upbrin,in, $f the fami'y isde,radin, and c$nservative. #t is true that in the past 1$men had been treated

very bad'y but this 1as due m$re t$ the i,n$rance $n the part $f men than theinherent 1ea9ness in the c$ncept $f dependin, $n 1$men t$ brin, up chi'dren.

4$men have been stru,,'in, f$r a,es t$ ,ain e ua'ity 1ith men in the ;e'd $feducati$n the pr$fessi$ns p$'itics and $ther avenues. %hey are n$1 at par 1ithmen t$ a ,reat e5tent. %he ma'e ,enera''y tends t$ be a,,ressive by nature andthe fema'e m$re em$ti$na'. #n the d$mestic scene particu'ar'y in the 3ast thema'e is m$re d$minant as head $f the fami'y 1hi'st the fema'e tends t$ remainas passive partner. P'ease remember CpassiveC here d$es n$t mean C1ea9.C)ather it is a p$sitive ua'ity $f Cs$ftnessC and C,ent'eness.C #f man and 1$manmaintain their mascu'ine and feminine ua'ities inherited fr$m nature andrec$,niEe their respective stren,ths then that attitude can c$ntribute t$1ards ac$n,enia' mutua' understandin, bet1een the se5es.

andhi:s remar9s6

C# be'ieve in the pr$per educati$n $f 1$man. But # d$ be'ieve that 1$man 1i'' n$tma9e her c$ntributi$n t$ the 1$r'd by mimic9in, $r runnin, a race 1ith man. Shecan run the race but she 1i'' n$t rise t$ the ,reat hei,hts she is capab'e $f bymimic9in, man. She has t$ be the c$mp'ement $f man.C

Parental "es onsi%ilities

%he basis $f a'' human s$ciety is the intricate re'ati$nship bet1een parent andchi'd. A m$ther:s duty is t$ '$ve care and pr$tect the chi'd even at e5tremec$st. %his is the se'f@sacri;cin, '$ve that the Buddha tau,ht. #t is practica' carin,and ,ener$us and it is se' ess. Buddhists are tau,ht that parents sh$u'd care f$rthe chi'd as the earth cares f$r a'' the p'ants and creatures.

Parents are resp$nsib'e f$r the 1e''@bein, and up@brin,in, $f their chi'dren. #f thechi'd ,r$1s up t$ be a str$n, hea'thy and usefu' citiEen it is the resu't $fparents: e7$rts. #f the chi'd ,r$1s up t$ be a de'in uent parents must bear theresp$nsibi'ity. Gne must n$t b'ame $thers $r s$ciety if chi'dren ,$ astray. #t is theduty $f parent t$ ,uide chi'dren $n the pr$per path.

A chi'd at its m$st impressi$nab'e a,e needs the tender '$ve care and attenti$n$f parents. 4ith$ut parenta' '$ve and ,uidance a chi'd 1i'' be handicapped and1i'' ;nd the 1$r'd a be1i'derin, p'ace t$ 'ive in. H$1ever sh$1erin, parenta''$ve care and attenti$n d$es n$t mean panderin, t$ a'' the demands $f thechi'd reas$nab'e $r $ther1ise. %$$ much pamperin, 1$u'd sp$i' the chi'd. %hem$ther in best$1in, her '$ve and care sh$u'd a's$ be strict and ;rm in hand'in,

the tantrums $f a chi'd. Bein, strict and ;rm d$es n$t mean bein, harsh t$ the


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chi'd. Sh$1 y$ur '$ve but temper it 1ith a discip'ined hand the chi'd 1i''understand.

?nf$rtunate'y am$n,st present@day parents parenta' '$ve is sad'y 'ac9in,. %hemad rush f$r materia' advancement the 'iberati$n m$vements and theaspirati$n f$r e ua'ity have resu'ted in many m$thers =$inin, their husbandsspendin, their 1$r9in, h$urs in $>ces and sh$ps rather than remainin, ath$me tendin, t$ their $7@sprin,. %he chi'dren 'eft t$ the care $f re'ati$ns $r paidservants are be1i'dered $n bein, denied tender m$ther'y '$ve and care. %hem$ther fee'in, ,ui'ty ab$ut her 'ac9 $f attenti$n tries t$ p'acate the chi'd by,ivin, in t$ a'' s$rts $f demands fr$m the chi'd. Such an acti$n sp$i's the chi'd.Pr$vidin, the chi'd 1ith a'' s$rts $f m$dern t$ys such as tan9s machine ,unspist$'s s1$rds and such 'i9e e uipment as an appeasement is n$tpsych$'$,ica''y ,$$d.

L$adin, a chi'd 1ith such t$ys is n$ substitute f$r a m$ther:s tender '$ve anda7ecti$ns. Dev$id $f parenta' a7ecti$n and ,uidance it 1i' ' n$t be surprisin, ifthe chi'd subse uent'y ,r$1s up t$ be a de'in uent. %hen 1h$ is t$ be b'amedf$r brin,in, up a 1ay1ard chi'dF %he parents $f c$urseJ %he 1$r9in, m$therespecia''y after a hard day:s 1$r9 in an $>ce t$ be f$''$1ed by h$useh$'dch$res can hard'y ;nd time f$r the chi'd that is yearnin, f$r her care andattenti$n.

Parents 1h$ have n$ time f$r their chi'dren sh$u'd n$t c$mp'ain 1hen thesesame chi'dren have n$ time f$r them 1hen they are $'d. Parents 1h$ c'aim thatthey spend a '$t $f m$ney $n their chi'dren but are t$$ busy sh$u'd n$t c$mp'ain1hen their CbusyC chi'dren in turn 'eave them in e5pensive H$mes f$r the A,edJ

M$st 1$men 1$r9 t$day s$ that the fami'y can en=$y m$re materia' bene;ts. %hey sh$u'd seri$us'y c$nsider andhi:s advice f$r men t$ see9 freed$m fr$m,reed rather than freed$m fr$m need. Gf c$urse ,iven t$day:s ec$n$mic set@up1e cann$t deny that s$me m$thers are f$rced t$ 1$r9. #n such a case the fatherand m$ther must ma9e e5tra sacri;ces $f their time t$ c$mpensate f$r 1hattheir chi'dren miss 1hen they are a1ay. #f b$th parents spend their n$n@1$r9in,h$urs at h$me 1ith their chi'dren there 1i'' be ,reater understandin, bet1eenparents and chi'dren.

#n his disc$urses the Buddha has 'isted certain primary duties and functi$ns asessentia' ,uide'ines f$r parents t$ $bserve. Gne $f the primary ,uide'ines is byprecept practice and acti$n t$ 'ead the chi'dren a1ay fr$m thin,s that are evi'and thr$u,h ,ent'e persuasi$n t$ ,uide them t$ d$ a'' that is ,$$d f$r thefami'y f$r s$ciety and f$r the c$untry. #n this c$nnecti$n parents 1$u'd have t$e5ercise ,reat care in dea'in, 1ith their chi'dren. #t is n$t 1hat the parentspr$fess but 1hat they rea''y are and d$ that the chi'd abs$rbs unc$nsci$us'y and'$vin,'y. %he chi'd:s entry t$ the 1$r'd is m$'ded by emu'atin, parenta' behavi$r.#t f$''$1s that ,$$d be,ets ,$$d and evi' be,ets evi'. Parents 1h$ spend muchtime 1ith their chi'dren 1i'' subt'y transmit their characteristics t$ their $7sprin,.


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,uties of Parents

#t is the duty $f parents t$ see t$ the 1e'fare $f their chi'dren. #n fact the dutifu'and '$vin, parents sh$u'der the resp$nsibi'ities 1ith p'easure. %$ 'ead chi'dren $n

the ri,ht path parents sh$u'd ;rst set the e5amp'e and 'ead idea' 'ives. #t isa'm$st imp$ssib'e t$ e5pect 1$rthy chi'dren fr$m un1$rthy parents. Apart fr$mthe Karmic tendencies chi'dren inherit fr$m previ$us births they invariab'yinherit the defects and virtues $f parents t$$. )esp$nsib'e parents sh$u'd ta9eevery precauti$n n$t t$ transmit undesirab'e tendencies t$ their pr$,eny.

Acc$rdin, t$ the Sigalovada Sutta, there are ;ve duties that sh$u'd be perf$rmedby parents6

1. The frst duty is to dissuade children rom evilH$me is the ;rst sch$$' and parents are the ;rst teachers. +hi'drenusua''y ta9e e'ementary 'ess$ns in ,$$d and evi' fr$m their parents.+are'ess parents direct'y $r indirect'y impart an e'ementary 9n$1'ed,e $f'yin, cheatin, dish$nesty s'anderin, reven,e shame'essness andfear'essness f$r evi' and imm$ra' activities t$ their chi'dren durin,chi'dh$$d days.

Parents sh$u'd sh$1 e5emp'ary c$nduct and sh$u'd n$t transmit suchvices int$ their chi'dren:s impressi$nab'e minds.

2. The second duty is to persuade them to do good

Parents are the teachers at h$me< teachers are the parents in sch$$'. B$thparents and teachers are resp$nsib'e f$r the future 1e''@bein, $f thechi'dren 1h$ bec$me 1hat they are made int$. %hey are and they 1i'' be1hat the adu'ts are. %hey sit at the feet $f the adu'ts durin, theirimpressi$nab'e a,e. %hey imbibe 1hat they impart. %hey f$''$1 in theirf$$tsteps. %hey are in uenced by their th$u,hts 1$rds and deeds. Assuch it is the duty $f the parents t$ create the m$st c$n,enia' atm$sphereb$th at h$me and in the sch$$'.

Simp'icity $bedience c$$perati$n unity c$ura,e se'f@sacri;ce h$nesty

strai,htf$r1ardness service se'f@re'iance 9indness thrift c$ntentment,$$d manners re'i,i$us Eea' and $ther 9indred virtues sh$u'd beincu'cated in their =uveni'e minds by de,rees. Seeds s$ p'anted 1i''eventua''y ,r$1 int$ fruit@'aden trees.

3. The third duty is to give the children a good educationA decent educati$n is the best 'e,acy that parents can be ueath t$ theirchi'dren. A m$re va'uab'e treasure there is n$t. #t is the best b'essin, thatparents c$u'd c$nfer $n their chi'dren.

3ducati$n sh$u'd be imparted t$ them preferab'y fr$m y$uth in are'i,i$us atm$sphere. %his has far@reachin, e7ects $n their 'ives.


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4. The ourth duty is to see that they are married to suitableindividuals

Marria,e is a s$'emn act that pertains t$ the 1h$'e 'ifetime< this uni$nsh$u'd be $ne that cann$t be diss$'ved easi'y. Hence marria,e has t$ bevie1ed fr$m every an,'e and in a'' its aspects t$ the satisfacti$n $f a''

parties bef$re the 1eddin,.

Acc$rdin, t$ Buddhist cu'ture duty supersedes ri,hts. Let b$th parties ben$t adamant but use their 1ise discreti$n and c$me t$ an amicab'esett'ement. Gther1ise there 1i'' be mutua' cursin, and $therrepercussi$ns. M$re $ften than n$t the infecti$n is transmitted t$ pr$,enyas 1e''.

5. The last duty is to hand over to them, at the proper time,their inheritance

Parents n$t $n'y '$ve and tend their chi'dren as '$n, as they are sti'' intheir cust$dy but a's$ ma9e preparati$ns f$r their future c$mf$rt andhappiness. %hey h$ard up treasures at pers$na' disc$mf$rt andun,rud,in,'y ,ive them as a 'e,acy t$ their chi'dren.

The "eli ion of Co& assion

Buddhism is the re'i,i$n $f c$mpassi$n and the parents sh$u'd never f$r,et t$present it t$ the chi'dren as such. %he Buddha tau,ht the Dhamma $ut $fc$mpassi$n f$r the 1$r'd. Parents sh$u'd practice the C8$ur Sub'ime States $f

MindC tau,ht by the Buddha in raisin, their chi'dren. %hey are6

• Metta '$vin, 9indness $r ,$$d1i''

• Karuna c$mpassi$n

• Mudita sympathetic =$y

• ?pe99ha e uanimity $r Ceven@mindednessC

%hese f$ur states 1e'' practiced 1i'' he'p parents remain ca'm thr$u,h$ut thedi>cu't peri$d $f chi'd@rearin,.

%his is the ri,ht $r idea' 1ay $f c$nduct t$1ards 'ivin, bein,s. %hese f$urattitudes $f mind pr$vide the frame1$r9 f$r a'' situati$ns arisin, fr$m s$cia'c$ntact. %hey are the ,reat rem$vers $f tensi$n the ,reat peacema9ers in s$cia'c$n ict the ,reat hea'ers $f 1$unds su7ered in the stru,,'e f$r e5istence<'eve'ers $f s$cia' barriers bui'ders $f harm$ni$us c$mmunities a1a9eners $fs'umberin, ma,nanimity '$n, f$r,$tten revivers $f =$y and h$pe '$n,aband$ned pr$m$ters $f human br$therh$$d a,ainst the f$rces $f e,$tism.

Perhaps the ,reatest cha''en,e that a married c$up'e has t$ face is the pr$per

upbrin,in, $f a chi'd. %his is an$ther aspect 1hich distin,uishes us fr$m anima's.4hi'e an anima' d$es care f$r its $7sprin, 1ith ,reat dev$ti$n a human parent


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has a ,reater resp$nsibi'ity 1hich is the nurturin, $f the mind. %he Buddha hassaid that the ,reatest cha''en,e a man faces is t$ tame the mind. 3ver since achi'd is b$rn fr$m infancy thr$u,h ad$'escence t$ maturity a parent is primari'yresp$nsib'e f$r the deve'$pment $f a chi'd:s mind. 4hether a pers$n bec$mes ausefu' citiEen $r n$t depends main'y $n the e5tent t$ 1hich its mind has been

deve'$ped. #n Buddhism a ,$$d parent can practice f$ur ,reat virtues t$ sustainhim $r her and t$ $verc$me the ,reat frustrati$ns 1hich are s$ c'$se'y re'ated1ith parenth$$d.

4hen a chi'd is yet a t$dd'er unab'e t$ e5press its needs it is uite pr$ne t$indu',e in tantrums and cryin,. A parent 1h$ practices the ;rst virtue $f '$vin,9indness can maintain peace 1ithin herse'f $r himse'f t$ c$ntinue t$ '$ve thechi'd 1hi'e it is bein, s$ di>cu't. A chi'd 1h$ en=$ys the e7ects $f this '$vin,9indness 1i'' himse'f 'earn t$ radiate it sp$ntane$us'y.

As the chi'd bec$mes m$re mature as an ad$'escent parents sh$u'dpractice karuna $r +$mpassi$n t$1ards him. Ad$'escence is a very di>cu't timef$r chi'dren. %hey are c$min, t$ terms 1ith adu'th$$d and theref$re arerebe''i$us 1ith a ,reat dea' $f their an,er and frustrati$ns directed at theirparents. 4ith the practice $f +$mpassi$n parents 1i'' understand that thisrebe''i$usness is a natura' part $f ,r$1in, up and that chi'dren d$ n$t mean t$hurt their parents 1i''fu''y. A chi'd 1h$ has en=$yed '$vin, 9indness andc$mpassi$n 1i'' himse'f bec$me a better pers$n. Havin, n$t had hate directed athim he 1i'' $n'y radiate '$ve and c$mpassi$n t$1ards $thers.

Iust bef$re he bec$mes an adu't a chi'd 1i'' pr$bab'y meet 1ith s$me success ine5aminati$ns and $ther activities $utside the h$me. %his is the time f$r parentst$ practice sympathetic =$y. %$$ many parents in m$dern s$ciety use theirchi'dren t$ c$mpete 1ith their ass$ciates. %hey 1ant their chi'dren t$ d$ 1e'' f$rse';sh reas$ns< it is a'' because they 1ant $thers t$ thin9 1e'' $f them. Bypracticin, sympathetic =$y a parent 1i'' re=$ice in the success and happiness $fhis $r her chi'd 1ith n$ u'teri$r m$tive. He is happy simp'y because his chi'd ishappyJ A chi'd 1h$ has been e5p$sed t$ the e7ects $f sympathetic =$y 1i''himse'f bec$me a pers$n 1h$ d$es n$t envy $thers and 1h$ is n$t $ver'yc$mpetitive. Such a pers$n 1i'' have n$ r$$m in his heart f$r se';shness ,reed$r hatred.

4hen a chi'd has reached adu'th$$d and has a career and fami'y $f his $1n hisparents sh$u'd practice the 'ast ,reat virtue $f e uanimity (upekkha). %his is $ne$f the m$st di>cu't thin,s f$r Asian parents t$ practice. #t is hard f$r them t$a''$1 their chi'dren t$ bec$me independent in their $1n ri,ht. 4hen parentspractice e uanimity they 1i'' n$t interfere 1ith the a7airs $f their chi'dren andn$t be se';sh in demandin, m$re time and attenti$n than the chi'dren can ,ive.

$un, adu'ts in the m$dern s$ciety have many pr$b'ems. An understandin,parent $f a y$un, c$up'e sh$u'd n$t imp$se e5tra burdens by ma9in,unnecessary demands $n them. M$st imp$rtant'y e'der'y parents sh$u'd try n$tt$ ma9e their married chi'dren fee' ,ui'ty by ma9in, them fee' that they havene,'ected their ;'ia' $b'i,ati$ns. #f parents practice e uanimity they 1i'' remainserene in their $'d a,e and thereby earn the respect $f the y$un,er ,enerati$n.


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4hen parents practice these f$ur virtues t$1ards their chi'dren the chi'dren 1i''resp$nd fav$rab'y and a p'easant atm$sphere 1i'' prevai' at h$me. A h$me1here there is '$vin, 9indness c$mpassi$n sympathetic =$y and e uanimity 1i''be a happy h$me. +hi'dren 1h$ ,r$1 up under such an envir$nment 1i'' ,r$1 upt$ be understandin, c$mpassi$nate 1i''in, 1$r9ers and c$nsiderate emp'$yers.

%his is the ,reatest 'e,acy any parent can ,ive t$ his chi'd.

Parents in $odern Societ#

Gne $f the saddest thin,s ab$ut m$dern s$ciety is the 'ac9 $f parenta' '$ve1hich chi'dren in hi,h'y industria'iEed c$untries su7er fr$m. 4hen a c$up'e ,etsmarried they usua''y p'an t$ have a number $f chi'dren. And $nce the chi'd isb$rn parents are m$ra''y $b'i,ed t$ care f$r him t$ the best $f their abi'ity.Parents are resp$nsib'e t$ see that a chi'd is n$t $n'y satis;ed materia''y< thespiritua' and psych$'$,ica' aspects are very imp$rtant t$$.

%he pr$visi$n $f materia' c$mf$rt is $f sec$ndary imp$rtance 1hen c$mpared t$the pr$visi$n $f parenta' '$ve and attenti$n. 4e 9n$1 $f many parents fr$m then$t@s$@1e''@t$@d$ fami'ies 1h$ have br$u,ht up their chi'dren 1e'' and 1ithp'enty $f '$ve. Gn the $ther hand many rich fami'ies have pr$vided everymateria' c$mf$rt f$r their chi'dren but have deprived them $f parenta' '$ve. Suchchi'dren 1i'' =ust ,r$1 up dev$id $f any psych$'$,ica' and m$ra' deve'$pment.

A m$ther sh$u'd c$nsider carefu''y 1hether she sh$u'd c$ntinue t$ be a 1$r9in,m$ther $f a h$use1ife ,ivin, a'' the a7ecti$n and care f$r the 1e''@bein, $f her

chi'd. Stran,e'y s$me m$dern m$thers are a's$ bein, trained t$ hand'e ,unsand $ther dead'y e uipments 1hen they sh$u'd be cudd'in, their chi'dren andtrainin, them t$ be ,$$d and 'a1@abidin, citiEens.N

%he m$dern trend and attitude $f 1$r9in, m$thers t$1ards their chi'dren a's$tends t$ er$de the time@h$n$red ;'ia' piety 1hich chi'dren are e5pected t$sh$1er $n their parents. %he rep'acement $f breast@feedin, by b$tt'e feedin,c$u'd a's$ be an$ther fact$r 1hich has c$ntributed t$ the er$si$n $f the a7ecti$nbet1een m$ther and chi'd. 4hen m$thers breast@feed and cudd'e babies in theirarms the tender a7ecti$n bet1een m$ther and chi'd is much ,reater and the

in uence the m$ther had $n the chi'd f$r its 1e''@bein, is much m$repr$n$unced. ?nder such circumstances ;'ia' piety fami'y c$hesi$n and$bedience are invariab'y present. %hese traditi$na' traits are f$r the ,$$d and1e''@bein, $f the chi'd. #t is up t$ the parents especia''y the m$ther t$ pr$videthem. %he m$ther is resp$nsib'e f$r the chi'd:s bein, ,$$d $r 1ay1ard. M$therscan reduce de'in uencyJ

Parental Control

Many parents try t$ 9eep their married chi'dren under their c$ntr$'. %hey d$ n$t

,ive due freed$m t$ them and tend t$ interfere 1ith a y$un, married c$up'e:s'ife. 4hen parents try t$ c$ntr$' their married s$n $r married dau,hter and 1ant


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them t$ f$''$1 their 1ay $f 'ife strict'y this 1i'' create a '$t $f misunderstandin,bet1een the t1$ ,enerati$ns as 1e'' as unhappiness bet1een the c$up'e.Parents may be d$in, it in ,$$d faith due t$ '$ve and attachment t$1ards thechi'dren but in s$ d$in, they are invitin, m$re pr$b'ems t$ themse'ves and t$the chi'dren.

Parents must a''$1 their chi'dren t$ sh$u'der the resp$nsibi'ities $f their $1n'ives and fami'ies. 8$r e5amp'e6 if s$me seeds are dr$pped under a tree p'antsmi,ht ,r$1 after s$metime. But if y$u 1ant th$se p'ants t$ ,r$1 hea'thy andindependent y$u must transp'ant them t$ $pen ,r$und s$me1here e'se t$ ,r$1separate'y s$ that they are n$t hampered by the shade $f the parent tree.

Parents sh$u'd n$t ne,'ect the ancient 1isd$m based $n advice ,iven byre'i,i$us teachers 1ise pe$p'e and e'ders 1h$ have deve'$ped a 9n$1'ed,e $fthe 1$r'd thr$u,h their $1n tria' and err$rs.

,ivorce

Div$rce is a c$ntr$versia' issue am$n, the f$''$1ers $f di7erent re'i,i$ns. S$mepe$p'e be'ieve that marria,e is a'ready rec$rded in heaven thus it is n$t ri,ht t$,rant a div$rce. But if a husband and 1ife rea''y cann$t 'ive t$,ether instead $f'eadin, a miserab'e 'ife and harb$rin, m$re =ea'$usy an,er and hatred theysh$u'd have the 'iberty t$ separate and 'ive peacefu''y.

"es onsi%ilit# Towards the ChildrenH$1ever the separati$n $f the c$up'e must be d$ne in an atm$sphere $funderstandin, by ad$ptin, reas$nab'e s$'uti$ns and n$t by creatin, m$rehatred. #f a c$up'e has chi'dren they sh$u'd try t$ ma9e the div$rce 'esstraumatic f$r the chi'dren and he'p them t$ ad=ust t$ the ne1 situati$n. And it ism$st imp$rtant t$ ensure that their future and 1e'fare 1i'' be ta9en. care $f. #t isan inhuman attitude if the c$up'e desert their chi'dren and a''$1 them t$ 'ead amiserab'e 'ife.

The Buddhist 1iew#n Buddhism there is n$ 'a1 statin, that a husband and 1ife sh$u'd n$t beseparated if they cann$t 'ive t$,ether harm$ni$us'y. But if pe$p'e f$''$1 theadvice ,iven by the Buddha t$ fu';'' their duties t$1ards each $ther then suchunf$rtunate $ccurrences 'i9e div$rce $r separati$n 1i'' never happen in the ;rstp'ace.

#n the past 1here re'i,i$us va'ues 1ere hi,h'y respected there 1ere ,reatere7$rts $n the part $f married c$up'es in the east as 1e'' as in 1est t$ reach

an amicab'e understandin, t$ deve'$p happy re'ati$nships based $n respect'$ve and re,ard f$r $ne an$ther. +$up'es deve'$ped and made their marria,es


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an imp$rtant feature 1hich they cherished in their hearts. Div$rce cases 1erevery rare and 1ere c$nsidered a dis,race because they indicated the se';shness$f $ne party $r the $ther.

#t is a fact that unti' recent'y div$rce cases 1ere sti'' rather rare in Buddhistc$untries. %his is main'y because c$up'es c$nsidered their duties and $b'i,ati$nst$1ards each $ther and a's$ basica''y div$rce is n$t appr$ved by the c$mmunityas a 1h$'e. #n many cases 1hen married c$up'es 1ere in tr$ub'e the c$mmunitye'ders usua''y ra''ied r$und and p'ayed an imp$rtant r$'e t$ impr$ve thesituati$n.

?nf$rtunate'y in the m$dern s$ciety $f t$day div$rce has bec$me such ac$mm$n practice. #n certain c$untries it has even bec$me fashi$nab'e. #nstead $f re,ardin, div$rce as shamefu' $r a fai'ure t$ $rder their 'ives s$me y$un,c$up'es seem t$ be pr$ud $f it. %he main cause $f the fai'ure in marria,e in

m$dern s$ciety is the abuse $f freed$m and t$$ much independence andindividua'ism $n the part $f the partners. %here must be a 'imit t$ theirindependent 'ives $r e'se b$th husband and 1ife 1i'' ,$ astray very easi'y.

. Pol# a or $ono a

%$ the uesti$n $f 1hether Buddhists can 9eep m$re than $ne 1ife the directans1er is n$t avai'ab'e in the Buddha:s teachin, because as menti$ned ear'ierthe Buddha did n$t 'ay d$1n any re'i,i$us 'a1s 1ith re,ard t$ married 'ifea'th$u,h he has ,iven va'uab'e advice $n h$1 t$ 'ead a respectab'e married 'ife.

%raditi$n cu'ture and the 1ay $f 'ife as rec$,niEed by the ma=$rity $f a particu'arc$untry must a's$ be c$nsidered 1hen 1e practice certain thin,s pertainin, t$$ur 'ives. S$me re'i,i$ns say that a man can have $n'y $ne 1ife 1hi'st $thers saya man can have m$re than $ne 1ife.

A'th$u,h the Buddha did n$t menti$n anythin, re,ardin, the number $f 1ives aman c$u'd have he e5p'icit'y menti$ned in His disc$urses that sh$u'd a marriedman ,$ t$ an$ther 1$man $ut $f 1ed'$c9 that c$u'd bec$me the cause $f his$1n d$1nfa'' and he 1$u'd have t$ face numer$us $ther pr$b'ems and

disturbances.

%he Buddha:s 1ay $f teachin, is =ust t$ e5p'ain the situati$n and thec$nse uences. Pe$p'e can thin9 f$r themse'ves as t$ 1hy certain thin,s are ,$$dand certain thin,s are bad. %he Buddha did n$t 'ay d$1n ru'es ab$ut h$1 many1ives a man sh$u'd $r sh$u'd n$t have 1hich pe$p'e are f$rced t$ f$''$1.H$1ever if the 'a1s $f a c$untry stipu'ate that marria,es must be m$n$,am$usthen such 'a1s must be c$mp'ied 1ith because the Buddha 1as e5p'icit ab$utHis f$''$1ers respectin, the 'a1s $f a c$untry if th$se 'a1s 1ere bene;cia' t$ a''.

3. New Technolo #



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Fa&il# Plannin

S$me re'i,i$ns are n$t in fav$r $f fami'y p'annin,. %hey say it is a,ainst the 1i''$f $d. Buddhism d$es n$t interfere in this pers$na' ch$ice. Man is at 'iberty t$

f$''$1 any meth$d in $rder t$ prevent c$ncepti$n. Acc$rdin, t$ Buddhismcertain physica' and menta' c$nditi$ns must be present f$r c$ncepti$n t$ ta9ep'ace. 4hen any $ne $f these c$nditi$ns is absent as 1hen fami'y p'annin, isbein, practicedN n$ c$ncepti$n ta9es p'ace theref$re a 'ife d$es n$t c$me int$bein,. But after c$ncepti$n ab$rti$n is &G% acceptab'e in Buddhism because itmeans ta9in, a1ay a 'ife that is a'ready present in the f$rm $f fetus.

Test(tu%e Ba%ies

S$me pe$p'e are interested in the m$ra' imp'icati$n $r re'i,i$us attitude 1ith

re,ard t$ test@tube babies. #f a 1$man is unab'e t$ c$nceive a baby in the n$rma'1ay and if she is an5i$us t$ have a baby by ad$ptin, m$dern medica' meth$dsthere is n$ ,r$und in Buddhism t$ say that it is either imm$ra' $r irre'i,i$us.)e'i,i$ns must ,ive due credit t$ man:s inte''i,ence and t$ acc$mm$date ne1medica' disc$veries if they are harm'ess and bene;cia' t$ man9ind. As 1asmenti$ned ear'ier s$ '$n, as the c$nditi$ns are ri,ht c$ncepti$n can be a''$1edt$ ta9e p'ace natura''y $r arti;cia''y.

4. $oralit#

Pre&arital Sex

Premarita' se5 is a pr$b'em 1hich is much discussed in m$dern s$ciety. Manyy$un, pe$p'e 1$u'd 'i9e t$ 9n$1 the $pini$n re,ardin, this sensitive issue. S$mere'i,i$nists say it can be c$nsidered as c$mmittin, adu'tery 1hi'e $thers say it isimm$ra' and un=usti;ab'e.

#n the past y$un, b$ys and ,ir's 1ere n$t a''$1ed by their parents t$ m$vear$und free'y unti' they 1ere married. %heir marria,es 1ere a's$ arran,ed and

$r,aniEed by the parents. Gf c$urse this did cause unhappiness in s$me cases1hen parents ch$se partners $n the basis $f m$ney s$cia' status fami'y$b'i,ati$ns and re'ated issues. But ,enera''y the ma=$rity $f parents did try veryhard t$ ch$$se partners 1h$ 1$u'd be acceptab'e t$ their chi'dren.

%$day y$un, pe$p'e are at the 'iberty t$ ,$ $ut and ;nd their $1n partners. %heyhave a '$t $f freed$m and independence in their 'ives. %his is n$t a bad thin, initse'f but s$me $f these pe$p'e are =ust t$$ y$un, and t$$ immature t$ see thedi7erence bet1een se5ua' attracti$n and true c$mpatibi'ity. %hat is 1hy thepr$b'em $f pre@marita' se5 arises.

%$$ much 'a5ity in matters c$ncernin, se5 has a's$ ,iven rise t$ s$cia' pr$b'emsin m$dern s$ciety. %he sad part is that s$me s$cieties d$ n$t e5press 'ibera'



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attitudes t$1ards unmarried m$thers i''e,itimate chi'dren and the div$rcees1hi'e they are uite 'ibera' ab$ut free se5. As a resu't y$un, pe$p'e are bein,punished by the same s$ciety 1hich enc$ura,es free mi5in, $f the se5es. %heybec$me s$cia' $utcasts and su7er much shame and humi'iati$n. Many y$un,,ir's have bec$me victims $f their $1n freed$m and have ruined their future by

vi$'atin, a,e@$'d traditi$ns 1hich 1ere va'ued in the east as 1e'' as in the 1est.

Pre@marita' se5 is a m$dern deve'$pment 1hich has c$me ab$ut as a resu't $fe5cessive s$cia' freed$m preva'ent am$n,st present day y$un, pe$p'e. 4hi'stBuddhism h$'ds n$ str$n, vie1s either f$r $r a,ainst such acti$n it is th$u,htthat a'' Buddhists particu'ar'y pe$p'e $f b$th se5es in '$ve and c$ntemp'atin,marria,e sh$u'd adhere t$ the a,e@$'d traditi$na' c$ncept that they maintainchastity unti' the nuptia' date. %he human mind is unstab'e and f$reverchan,in, 1ith the resu't that any i''icit acti$n $r indiscreti$n may cause undueharm t$ either party if the 'e,a' marria,e d$es n$t ta9e p'ace as e5pected. #t

must be remembered that any f$rm $f se5ua' indu',ence bef$re a pr$permarria,e is s$'emniEed 1i'' be '$$9ed d$1n up$n by the e'ders 1h$ are the,uardians $f the y$un, pe$p'e.

Sexual $isconduct

Laymen are advised in the Buddha:s %eachin, t$ av$id se5ua' misc$nduct. %hatmeans if $ne 1ants t$ e5perience se5 he must d$ s$ 1ith$ut creatin, anyvi$'ence $r by usin, any 9ind $f f$rce threat $r causin, fear. A decent se5 'ife1hich respects the $ther partner is n$t a,ainst this re'i,i$n< it accepts the fact

that it is a necessity f$r th$se 1h$ are n$t yet ready t$ ren$unce the 1$r'd'y 'ife.

Acc$rdin, t$ Buddhism th$se 1h$ are inv$'ved in e5tra@marita' se5 1iths$me$ne 1h$ is a'ready married 1h$ has been betr$thed t$ s$me$ne e'se anda's$ 1ith th$se 1h$ are under the pr$tecti$n $f their parents $r ,uardians aresaid t$ be ,ui'ty $f se5ua' misc$nduct because there is a rupture $f s$cia'n$rms 1here a third party is bein, made t$ su7er as a resu't $f the se';shness$f $ne $r the $ther partner.

Irres onsi%le Sexual Behavior

%he Buddha a's$ menti$ned the c$nse uences that an e'der'y man 1$u'd havet$ face if he married 1ith$ut c$nsiderin, the c$mpatibi'ity $f a,e $f the $therparty. Acc$rdin, t$ the Buddha irresp$nsib'e se5ua' behavi$r can bec$me thecause $f $ne:s d$1nfa'' in many aspects $f 'ife.

A'' the nati$ns $f the 1$r'd have c'ear'y de;ned 'a1s c$ncernin, the abuse $fse5. Here a,ain Buddhism adv$cates that a pers$n must respect and $bey the'a1 $f the c$untry if the 'a1s are made f$r the c$mm$n ,$$d.

56. The East and the 0est



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%he f$''$1in, are e5tracts fr$m a b$$9 by the ce'ebrated Iapanese auth$r Dr.&i99y$ &i1an$. #n his b$$9 The Richer Life, Dr. &i1an$ dea's 1ith mattersre'atin, t$ '$ve and marria,e b$th fr$m the 3astern and 4estern p$ints $f vie1.

C#n the 4est marria,e $n the basis $f r$mantic '$ve has $ften been c$nsiderednatura' and s$metimes idea'. #n Asia in recent years the number $f y$un,pe$p'e 1h$ aband$n the traditi$na' arran,ed marria,e and se'ect partners $ut $f r$mantic c$nsiderati$n has been ,r$1in,. But in s$me cases r$mantic marria,es'ead t$ separati$n and unhappiness 1ithin a sh$rt time 1hereas the arran,edmarria,e $ften pr$duces a c$up'e 1h$ 'ive and 1$r9 t$,ether in c$ntentmentand happiness.

#n spite $f its em$ti$na' appea' a'' r$mantic marria,es cann$t be ca''edun ua'i;ed successes. )$mantic '$ve is 'i9e the bri,ht ame $f a 1$$d@;re that'eaps up and burns c'ear but 'asts $n'y a sh$rt time. L$ve bet1een man and 1ife

burns uiet'y and s'$1'y 'i9e the 1armin, ;re $f burnin, c$a'. Gf c$urse bri,htamin, L$ve can and idea''y $u,ht t$ eventua''y bec$me the ca'mendurin, ;re $f mature a7ecti$n. But t$$ $ften the ame $f r$mantic '$ve is

uic9'y e5tin,uished 'eavin, n$thin, but ashes 1hich are a p$$r f$undati$n f$ra successfu' married 'ifeJC

C $un, pe$p'e in '$ve thin9 $f n$thin, but their em$ti$ns. %hey see themse'ves$n'y in the 'i,ht $f the fee'in, $f the m$ment. 3verythin, they thin9 and d$ isr$mantic and has 'itt'e bearin, $n the practica' a7airs $f the 'ife they must 'eadafter marria,e. #f the '$vers are f$rtunate en$u,h t$ have c$mpatib'epers$na'ities t$ have s$und and simi'ar ideas ab$ut 'ife t$ share interests t$en=$y harm$ni$us fami'y re'ati$ns $n b$th sides and t$ be ;nancia''y secure evenafter the ;rst passi$n has ca'med d$1n they 1i'' sti'' have a basis f$r a ,$$d 'ifet$,ether. #f they are n$t s$ b'essed they may face marita' fai'ure.C

C4hen the time $f dates em$ti$na' pictures dances and parties has passed they$un, married c$up'es 1i'' have t$ 'ive t$,ether share mea's and revea' t$ each$ther their defects as 1e'' as their merits. %hey 1i'' have t$ spend m$re than ha'f $f their 'ife each day t$,ether< this 9ind $f 'ivin, ma9es demands that aredi7erent fr$m the 'ess e5actin, needs $f datin, and ;rst '$ve.C

C8ami'y re'ati$ns bec$me very imp$rtant in married 'ife. #t is necessary t$ thin9ab$ut the pers$na'ities $f the m$ther and father $f the pr$spective marria,epartner. $un, pe$p'e s$metimes thin9 that the stren,th $f their '$ve 1i'' enab'ethem t$ ,et a'$n, 1e'' 1ith the m$st uarre's$me di>cu't in@'a1s< but this is n$ta'1ays true. #n sh$rt r$mance is a matter $f a 'imited time and d$es n$t bec$mer$$ted in actua'ities and must be re,u'ated t$ c$nf$rm t$ the needs $f 1$r9 andenvir$nment in $rder t$ bind the c$up'e t$,ether in 'astin, dev$ti$n. %he t1$9inds $f '$ve are di7erent. %$ mista9e $ne f$r the $ther invites ,rave tr$ub'e.C

C ivin, seri$us dispassi$nate th$u,ht t$ the nature $f the pers$n $ne

c$ntemp'ates marryin, 'essens the 'i9e'ih$$d $f fai'ure. %$ prevent r$mancefr$m vanishin, after marria,e mutua' understandin, bet1een the c$up'e is


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indispensab'e. But the percenta,e $f successfu' marria,es is hi,her am$n,y$un, pe$p'e 1h$se ch$ice $f a partner a,rees 1ith the $pini$ns $f theirparents. %$ 'ive peacefu''y it is necessary t$ rea'iEe the di7erence bet1eenr$mance and married '$ve.C

55. Celi%ac#

0hat is Celi%ac#7

+e'ibacy is refrainin, fr$m the p'easure $f se5ua' activity. S$me critics $fBuddhism say that %he %eachin, ,$es a,ainst &ature and they c'aim that se5 'ifeis natura' and theref$re necessary.

Buddhism is n$t a,ainst se5 it is a natura' sensua' p'easure and very much a

part $f the 1$r'd'y 'ife. Gne may as9 1hy then did the Buddha adv$cate ce'ibacyas a preceptF #s it n$t unfair and a,ainst &atureF 4e'' the $bservance $fce'ibacy f$r spiritua' deve'$pment 1as n$t a ne1 re'i,i$us precept at the time $fthe Buddha. A'' the $ther e5istin, re'i,i$ns in #ndia at that time a's$ hadintr$duced this practice. 3ven t$day s$me $ther re'i,i$nists 'i9e the Hindus and+ath$'ics d$ $bserve this as a v$1.

Buddhists 1h$ have ren$unced the 1$r'd'y 'ife v$'untari'y $bserve this preceptbecause they are fu''y a1are $f the c$mmitments and disturbances 1hich c$mea'$n, if $ne c$mmits $nese'f t$ the 'ife $f a fami'y pers$n. %he married 'ife cana7ect $r curtai' spiritua' deve'$pment 1hen cravin, f$r se5 and attachment$ccupies the mind and temptati$n ec'ipses the peace and purity $f the mind.

Si nificance of Celi%ac#

Pe$p'e tend t$ as9 C#f the Buddha did n$t preach a,ainst married 'ife 1hy thendid He adv$cate ce'ibacy as $ne $f the imp$rtant precepts t$ be $bserved and1hy did He advise pe$p'e t$ av$id se5 and ren$unce the 1$r'd'y 'ifeFC

Gne must remember that renunciati$n is n$t c$mpu's$ry in Buddhism. #t is n$t

$b'i,at$ry t$ ren$unce the 1$r'd'y 'ife t$ta''y in $rder t$ practice Buddhism. $ucan ad=ust y$ur 1ay $f 'ife acc$rdin, t$ y$ur understandin, by practicin, certainre'i,i$us princip'es and ua'ities. $u can deve'$p y$ur re'i,i$us princip'esacc$rdin, t$ the needs $f a 'ay 'ife. H$1ever 1hen y$u have pr$,ressed andattained ,reater 1isd$m and rea'iEe that the 'ayman:s 1ay $f 'ife is n$tc$nducive f$r the u'timate deve'$pment $f spiritual values and puri cation of themind, y$u may ch$$se t$ ren$unce the 1$r'd'y 'ife and c$ncentrate m$re $nspiritua' deve'$pment.

%he Buddha rec$mmended ce'ibacy because se5 and marria,e are n$t c$nducivet$ u'timate peace and purity $f the mind and renunciati$n is necessary if $ne1ishes t$ ,ain spiritua' deve'$pment and perfecti$n at the hi,hest 'eve'. But this



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renunciati$n sh$u'd c$me natura''y and must never be forced. )enunciati$nsh$u'd c$me thr$u,h a c$mp'ete understandin, $f the i''us$ry nature $f the se'f$f the unsatisfact$ry nature $f a'' sense p'easures.

Celi%ac# versus "es onsi%ilit# 8 The Buddha'sEx erience

%he Buddha e5perienced his 1$r'd'y 'ife as a prince husband and a father bef$rehis )enunciati$n and he 9ne1 1hat married 'ife entai'ed. Pe$p'e may uesti$nthe Buddha:s renunciati$n by sayin, that he 1as se';sh and crue' and that it 1asn$t fair f$r him t$ desert his 1ife and chi'd. #n actua' fact the Buddha did n$tdesert his fami'y 1ith$ut a sense $f resp$nsibi'ity.

He never had any misunderstandin, 1ith his 1ife. He t$$ had the same '$ve and

attachment t$1ards his 1ife and chi'd as any n$rma' man 1$u'd have perhapseven ,reater. %he di7erence 1as that his '$ve 1as n$t mere physica' and se';sh'$ve< he had the c$ura,e and understandin, t$ detach that em$ti$na' and se';sh'$ve f$r a ,$$d cause. His sacri;ce is c$nsidered a'' the m$re n$b'e because heset aside his pers$na' needs and desires in $rder t$ serve all of mankind for alltime.

%he main aim $f his renunciati$n 1as n$t $n'y f$r his $1n happiness peace $rsa'vati$n but f$r the sa9e $f mankind. Had he remained in the r$ya' pa'ace hisservice 1$u'd have been c$n;ned t$ $n'y his $1n fami'y $r his 9in,d$m. %hat1as 1hy he decided t$ ren$unce everythin, m $rder t$ maintain peace andpurity t$ ,ain 3n'i,htenment and then t$ en'i,hten $thers 1h$ 1ere su7erin, ini,n$rance.

Gne $f the Buddha:s ear'iest tas9s after ,ainin, his 3n'i,htenment 1as t$ returnt$ his pa'ace t$ en'i,hten the members $f his fami'y. #n fact 1hen his y$un, s$n)ahu'a as9ed the Buddha f$r his inheritance the Buddha said that )ahu'a 1asheir t$ the richest 1ea'th the treasure $f the Dhamma. #n this 1ay the Buddhaserved his fami'y and he paved the 1ay f$r their sa'vati$n peace andhappiness. %heref$re n$ $ne can say that the Buddha 1as a crue' $r se';shfather. He 1as in fact m$re c$mpassi$nate and se'f@sacri;cin, than anyb$dy

e'se. 4ith his hi,h de,ree $f spiritua' deve'$pment the Buddha 9ne1 thatmarria,e 1as a temp$rary phase 1hi'e 3n'i,htenment 1as eterna' and f$r the,$$d $f all mankind.

An$ther imp$rtant fact 1as that the Buddha 9ne1 that his 1ife and s$n 1$u'dn$t starve in his absence. Durin, the time $f the Buddha it 1as c$nsidered uiten$rma' and h$n$rab'e f$r a y$un, man t$ retire fr$m the 'ife $f a h$useh$'der.Gther members $f the fami'y 1$u'd 1i''in,'y '$$9 after his dependents. 4hen he,ained his en'i,htenment he 1as ab'e t$ ,ive them s$methin, n$ $ther fatherc$u'd ,ive the freed$m fr$m s'avery t$ attachment.


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52. Su&&ar#

Marria,e is a partnership $f t1$ individua's and this partnership is enriched andenhanced 1hen it a''$1s the pers$na'ities inv$'ved t$ ,r$1. Many marria,es fai'

because $ne partner tries t$ Cs1a''$1C an$ther $r 1hen $ne demands t$ta'freed$m. Acc$rdin, t$ Buddhism marria,e means understandin, and respectin,each $ther:s be'ief and privacy. A successfu' marria,e is a'1ays a t1$@1ay path6Chumpy bumpyC it is di>cu't but it is a'1ays a mutua' path.

$un, pe$p'e in this c$untry and e'se1here s$metimes thin9 that C$'d fashi$nedideasC are n$t re'evant t$ m$dern s$ciety. %hey sh$u'd be reminded that thereare s$me eterna' truths 1hich can never bec$me $ut@$f@date. 4hat 1as truedurin, the time $f Buddha sti'' remains true t$day.

%he s$@ca''ed m$dern ideas 1e receive thr$u,h the hi,h'y ,'am$ur$us te'evisi$npr$,rams d$ n$t represent the 1ay m$st decent pe$p'e in the 1est thin9 $rbehave. %here is a vast Csi'ent ma=$rityC $f decent c$up'es 1h$ are as deep'yre'i,i$us and Cc$nservativeC ab$ut marria,e as any 3astern c$up'e. %hey d$ n$tbehave in the manner that the mass media has p$rtrayed them. &$t a'' thepe$p'e in the 1est run $7 t$ ,et a div$rce $r ab$rti$n after their ;rst uarre' $rdispute.

Decent pe$p'e a'' $ver the 1$r'd are the same< they are unse';sh and caredeep'y ab$ut th$se 1h$m they '$ve. %hey ma9e en$rm$us sacri;ces and deve'$p'$ve and understandin, t$ ensure happy and stab'e marria,es. S$ if y$u 1ant t$ape the 1est ape the Csi'ent ma=$rityC6 they are n$ di7erent fr$m y$ur decentnei,hb$r 1h$ 'ives ne5t d$$r t$ y$u.

$un, pe$p'e must a's$ 'isten t$ their e'ders because their $1n understandin,ab$ut married 'ife is n$t mature. %hey sh$u'd n$t ma9e hasty c$nc'usi$nsre,ardin, marria,es and div$rces. %hey must have a '$t $f patience t$'eranceand mutua' understandin,. Gther1ise their 'ife can bec$me very miserab'e andpr$b'ematic. Patience, tolerance and understanding are imp$rtant discip'ines t$be $bserved and practiced by a'' pe$p'e in marria,e.

A fee'in, $f security and c$ntentment c$mes fr$m mutua' understandin, 1hich isthe S3+)3% $f a HAPP MA))#3D L#83.

) endix I9 The )ffectionate $other

#n the Buddhist Iata9a st$ry S$nadanda the B$dhisatta sin,s the virtues $f am$ther in the f$''$1in, strain6

Kind Pitifu' $ur refu,e she that fed us at her breast.A m$ther is the 1ay t$ heaven and thee she '$veth best.She nursed and f$stered us 1ith care< ,raced 1ith ,$$d ,ifts is she



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A m$ther is the 1ay t$ heaven and best she '$veth thee.+ravin, a chi'd in prayer she 9nee's each h$'y shrine bef$re.

%he chan,in, seas$n c'$se'y scans and studies astra' '$re.Pre,nant in c$urse $f time she fee's her tender '$n,in,s ,r$1And s$$n the unc$nsci$us babe be,ins a '$vin, friend t$ 9n$1.

Her treasure f$r a year $r 'ess she ,uards 1ith utm$st care %hen brin,s it f$rth and fr$m that day a m$ther:s name 1i'' bear.4ith mi'9y breast and 'u''aby she s$$thes the frettin, chi'd4rapped in his c$mf$rter:s 1arm arms his 1$es are s$$n be,ui'ed.4atchin, $:er him p$$r inn$cent 'est 1ind $r hear ann$yHis f$sterin, nurse she may be ca''ed t$ cherish thus her b$y.4hat ,ear his sire and m$ther have she h$ards f$r him CMay be CShe thin9s CS$me day my dearest chi'd it a'' may c$me t$ thee.CCD$ this $r that my dar'in, b$y C the 1$rried m$ther criesAnd 1hen he is ,r$1n t$ man:s estate she sti'' 'aments and si,hsHe ,$es in rec9'ess m$$d t$ see a nei,hb$r:s 1ife at ni,htShe fumes and frets C4hy 1i'' he n$t return 1hi'e it is 'i,htFC#f $ne thus reared 1ith an5i$us pains his m$ther sh$u'd ne,'ectP'ayin, her fa'se 1hat d$$m # pray but he'' can he e5pectF

%h$se that '$ve 1ea'th $:er much :tis said their 1ea'th 1i'' s$$n be '$stGne that ne,'ects a m$ther s$$n 1i'' rue it t$ his c$st.

%h$se that '$ve 1ea'th $:er much :tis said their 1ea'th 1i'' s$$n be '$st.Gne that ne,'ects a father s$$n 1i'' rue it t$ his c$st.

ifts '$vin, speech 9ind $>ces t$,ether 1ith the ,raceGf ca'm indi7erence $f mind sh$1n in time and p'ace

%hese virtues t$ the 1$r'd are as 'inchpin t$ chari$t 1hee'.

%hese 'ac9in, sti'' a m$ther:s name t$ chi'dren 1$u'd appea'.A m$ther 'i9e the sire sh$u'd 1ith reverent h$n$r be cr$1nedSa,es appr$ve the man in 1h$m th$se virtues may be f$und.

%hus parents 1$rthy $f a'' praise a hi,h p$siti$n $1nBy ancient sa,es Brahma ca''ed. S$ ,reat 1as their ren$1n.Kind parents fr$m their chi'dren sh$u'd receive a'' reverence dueHe that is 1ise 1i'' h$n$r them 1ith service ,$$d and true.He sh$u'd pr$vide them f$$d and drin9 beddin, and raiment meetSh$u'd bathe them and an$int 1ith $i' and du'y 1ash their feet.S$ ;'ia' services 'i9e these sa,es his praises s$undHere in this 1$r'd and after death in heaven his =$ys b$und.

Iata9a trans'ati$n V$'. V pp. "/( "/*

) endix II9 $oral Code

5. Social and $oral Code

%he m$st imp$rtant e'ement $f the Buddhist ref$rm has a'1ays been its s$cia'and m$ra' c$de. %hat m$ra' c$de ta9en by itse'f is $ne $f the m$st perfect 1hichthe 1$r'd has ever 9n$1n. Gn this p$int a'' testim$nia's fr$m h$sti'e and friend'y

uarters a,ree< phi'$s$phers there may have been re'i,i$us preachers subt'e



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metaphysicists disputants there may have been but 1here sha'' 1e ;nd such anincarnati$n $f '$ve '$ve that 9n$1s n$ distincti$n $f caste and creed $r c$'$r a'$ve that $ver $1ed even the b$unds $f humanity that embraced the 1h$'e $fsentient bein,s in its s1eep a '$ve that emb$died as the ,$spe' $f universa'CMaitriC and CAhimsa.C

Pr$f. Ma5 Mu''er A erman Buddhist Sch$'ar

2. $oralit# is %ased on freedo&

Buddhist m$ra'ity is based $n freed$m i.e. $n individua' deve'$pment. #t istheref$re re'ative. #n fact there cann$t be any ethica' princip'e if there isc$mpu'si$n $r determinati$n fr$m an a,ent $utside $urse'ves.

Ana,ari9a B. $vinda A erman Buddhist Sch$'ar

!. :nowled e and $oralit#

#n Buddhism there can be n$ rea' m$ra'ity 1ith$ut 9n$1'ed,e n$ rea' 9n$1'ed,e1ith$ut m$ra'ity< b$th are b$und up t$,ether 'i9e heat and 'i,ht in a ame. 4hatc$nstitutes CB$dhiC is n$t mere inte''ectua' en'i,htenment but humanity. %hec$nsci$usness $f m$ra' e5ce''ence is $f the very essence $f CB$dhi.C

Bhi99hu Dhammapa'a A &ether'and Buddhist Sch$'ar

©" 0/ Ven. K. Sri. Dhammananda.

$u may c$py ref$rmat reprint repub'ish and redistribute this 1$r9 in any medium 1hats$ever pr$vided that6"N y$u $n'y ma9e such c$pies etc. avai'ab'e free of charge < 2N y$u c'ear'y indicate that any derivatives $f this

1$r9 inc'udin, trans'ati$nsN are derived fr$m this s$urce d$cument< and (N y$u inc'ude the fu'' te5t $f this'icense in any c$pies $r derivatives $f this 1$r9. Gther1ise a'' ri,hts reserved. D$cuments 'in9ed fr$m this pa,emay be sub=ect t$ $ther restricti$ns. Pub'ished by %he Buddhist Missi$nary S$ciety "2( Ia'an Berha'a ! */Kua'a Lumpur Ma'aysia. %ranscribed fr$m the print editi$n in " ! by Mar9 B'ac9stad under the auspices $f theDharma&et Dharma B$$9 %ranscripti$n Pr$=ect by arran,ement 1ith the pub'isher. Last revised f$r Access t$#nsi,ht $n ( &$vember 2 "(.

Ho to cite this document a su,,ested sty'eN6 CA Happy Married Life6 A Buddhist PerspectiveC by Ven. K. SriDhammananda. ccess to !nsight (Legac" #dition) ( &$vember

2 "( http6OO111.accesst$insi,ht.$r,O'ibOauth$rsOdhammanandaOmarria,e.htm' .
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/dhammananda/marriage.htmlhttp://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/dhammananda/marriage.html

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