a randoms midnight sun

8/6/2019 A Randoms Midnight Sun

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I let my foot off the gas a little when I realised, like a wave of impending doom, what mynext hurdle was to be. I was getting closer to Rose and her angered thoughts; I looked at thesmall clock on the dashboard, it was too early to go back, I sighed and pulled into the drive.

Oh here he is, the wretched idiot. Selfish stupid boy; we could all suffer because of this.

Her anger caused me to wince as her thoughts strayed toward my shiny Aston Martin. I knewit, whenever she was angry, her first thought would always be my car. I rested my hand onthe door handle and, after composing myself, entered the threshold. Welcome home Edward. Emmets voice drifted through my head. I dont know how long I can hold her down. I bit

back a slight smile and walked into the dining room where everyone was sitting at the tablewaiting for me.

A slight crease had formed on Carlisles forehead and his thoughts were jumping through the pros and cons of Bellas knowledge, Esme watched him with concern, however her mindscreamed in excitement. If it wasnt for the presences of Jasper and Rose, this discussioncould have been a debate about some trivial matter. However Jasper looked straight at me andglared, he was sat next to Alice, who had wrapped her arm around his in an attempt to calmhim.

I dont like this. Youve caused us problems, but Alice seems to agree with you and I cannot go against her on this.

I nodded at him in thanks, but his glare and Rosalies ugly expression still gave theimpression that this was some kind of intervention. I sighed again as Roses thoughtsscreeched at me causing my eyes to squint. Emmet laid his hand on her shoulder, which she

pushed off almost instantly in irritation to which he shrugged and laid back in his chair.

Edward, please sit so that we can discuss this. I was seated before Carlisle finished hissentence, hasty to keep him happy. I wanted to speak first, before Rose could voice the wordswhich were penetrating my own thoughts like sharp needles, but this time I wasntapologising.

I know that this has caused risk, and I understand why there may be negative feelings aboutthis, but I do not feel any regret that she knows.

I suddenly felt like a small child, who had done something naughty and refused to admit it.Roses facial expression went from anger to outright fury; she spoke so fast that there was noreason to read her thoughts. The swear words had ceased and she was now scoffing myintentions.

How could you! She spat across the table, We might have to move again!

Now Rose, it will not come to that just yet. Carlisle interrupted, his brow still furrowed.

Still! Roses voice was high pitched, full of anger, a humans voice would have broken.You told her! Did you not think of the consequences? No! Of course not! You just threwcaution into the wind like you did when you allowed yourself to fall for the weak human.She sniffed, and my throat burned in anger as I snarled; only Emmets voice stopped me fromspringing out of the chair that I was planted in.


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Isnt that a little harsh? Whats done is done. We need to discuss how to deal with it. Wecant change it.

Besides Rose, he didnt tell her. Alice had stood at Rosalies words and Jaspers arm hadtightened around hers. She got the idea from a Quileute boy. Alices thoughts ran wild and

I noticed the corner of her mouth as it appeared to twitch slightly. Carlisles eyes snapped upfrom the table to look at Alice.

The Quileutes? T hey broke the treaty?

No Carlisle. I broke in, It was a young boy, Bella asked him about the myths and why wewerent allowed down to La Push. I dont think he knew it was a true story.

Carlisles face relaxed, Roses mouth opened slightly to continue, but he raised a hand.

I think this might have worked out for the better. Both Edward and Alice believe she willnot tell anyone, and so far she has proved that to be the case spectacularly. He looked up atme, his face serious. However, this means there is a lot of pressure on you now, if anythinggoes wrong, its something you are going to have to fix. He thought for a moment beforefinishing. I think we should meet at some point. I am interested about her as an exception toyou. I would like to know more.

It was clear that Rose couldnt handle the direction of this anymore. She stood up, standingtaller than Alice and looking down at my face.

I cant ignore this! She growled. What about our secret? What about our pact with theQuileutes? Even if that boy did break it, as far as they know its still very much in tact. Whatif Edward doesnt get a chance to eat one day and slips up? How are you going to hide thatfrom the Quileutes? And if that doesnt happen, what are we going to do about them ? Theywont see Edwards infatuation with his food as mitigating circumstances! The Volturi willkill us all for allowing it! Her eyes flashed in anger as Carlisle shook his head.

We will deal with the Volturi if and when they find out about this, but for now, Rose I mustask you to allow this.

Carlisle then stood and left the room, Esme following. Alice smiled and took Jaspers hand,whose thoughts had softened since I had walked in and Emmet looked concerned at Rosalieas she slumped back into her chair, her arms folded and her bottom lip protruding slightly.Emmet sighed. Like a small spoilt child who has been told she cant have her pony. I couldnthelp but laugh at Emmets shocking thought. He smirked at me but immediately hid the smile

when he saw Rose looking between himself and me.

And what, may I ask, is so terribly amusing? She directed the question at me, so I felt Ishould answer without dropping Emmet in it.

Nothing dear sister , Emmet just allowed himself to remember our fake conversation inSpanish today. But I will allow him to explain the details as I am going out.

Off to get a little snack are you? She sneered. I walked away without a word.


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It was only eleven. I didnt usually go to Bellas until at least twelve, however tonight shewas already sleeping, though not soundly. She repeated my name over and over turning thisway and that, her tangled web of hair stuck to the back of her neck. Tonight, my emotions got

the better of me, and I walked over to her and placed my hand on the back of her neck in anattempt to cool her. The heat from her skin against my hand would have made my heart stopif it wasnt already dead. Instead, the heat consumed me. She groaned and called my nameagain, I quickly removed my hand as she rolled onto her back. I stood for a moment, staring. Iwatched her chest rise and fall, her collar bones following suit. Her lips were full and slightly

parted and a stray clump of hair had got stuck to the side of her face. As I removed the hair and tucked it behind her ear I felt a spark of electricity. I looked at my hand and looked back at her warm soft glowing skin. The electricity hit me like I was in a wind tunnel. I couldnt doanything but stare at her beautiful face as my body seemed to vibrate with electricity. Istepped back and decided to look at her books, crouching down I vaguely scanned. She hadquite a few books I had enjoyed. I saw the book she had been reading before and reached outto pull it down, before pausing and suddenly realising it had gone very quiet. My headsnapped toward the bed where Bella had just sat upright. I couldnt see her face but shesighed, wiped her forehead and collapsed back into her pillows with a loud huff.

Until she fell asleep again I remained a rock; no breathing, no movement. I, the vampire, whocould sit in a crouched position for hours without moving and still change position withoutachy legs and knees which crack. I had no need to strain either. I had decided to sit back inthe rocking chair but found myself staring at her quiet face, her lips had parted again, andalthough every time I had been here I had thought of all the different things I could do to thisgirl and caused myself unnecessary excitement, yet avoided it, I suddenly didnt want toavoid this. I wanted to kiss her. I took two very meaningful steps forward and brought myface in close to hers, my nose almost touching hers. The heat and electricity emanated out of her skin and washed over me. I parted my own lips and breathed her scent in, my throat

burning so much I wanted to scream. I stood sharply up. No. I had promised that it was alldown to her from now on. She would always have the choice.

Edward?

I darted up the wall to the ceiling, my fingers gripping myself on the cupboard and my footon her tall shelving unit, holding my body flat, my back brushing the ceiling as she sat upstraight in bed and turned her light on to look around her room, wiping her forehead andsighing again. The sound was beautiful. An angel could not make a sigh sound so beautiful. I

silently laughed at my earlier pretentious view of myself as her guardian vampire. Silly. Shedidnt need a guardian angel. She was an angel. She was my angel. My strange, backwardthinking, clumsy angel. I watched through from above as she whispered to herself.

Another dream.

She laid back into her pillows and stared at the ceiling; inches away from my shadow, I backed myself into a slow silent crouch, crawling down quietly to the floor, each shelf at atime. Bella started to toss and turn again. I stared at her, my heart warm. She dreams of me so


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often, it seems. I opened the window and sat on the window sill. Allowing myself a quick escape route if she awoke again and she was so hot that the fresh air would probably do her the good. She awoke many times more during the night, but when she was still I continued tostare finding myself enticed by her beauty. I was so distracted that it took me a moment torealise that the strange mirror ball effect that was appearing on the walls was me, due to thedirect sunlight caused by the sunrise. I had to leave. I walked to her bed and kissed her

forehead; I would at least allow myself that. Her skin burned my lips and the monster I hadsuppressed so well for so long made its presence known by bounding around inside me in anexcited dog like fashion. I left then, closing the window behind me. I couldnt allow Alicesvision become a reality.

I waited round the corner of Bellas house, waiting for Charlie to leave. I had left early andcouldnt wait to see her, to speak to her. To interrogate her with my own questions, whichshe, of course, would be forced to answer. I had to concentrate a little hard to pick up CharlieSwans thoughts, but once I found them I got to see her. She was frowning as her father askedher about the girls choice dance, but her face softened as Charlie looked at his plate, where ahalf eaten fried egg lay looking back at me. I sighed. Well I suppose eggs arent likeeveryday food. Charlie finished off the egg. His head full of negative thoughts about howmaybe Bella wasnt fitting in at school. Did she ask a boy and he say no? No. T hats not like

Isabella. She probably just wanted to keep to herself. I dont like this Seattle idea though. Not on her own in a big city. His thoughts continued as he waved goodbye to Bella and even after he had driven out of sight. I pulled my car into her driveway and hesitated, should I get outand knock on the door? I looked up at the big house and was greeted by Bellas smiling facein the window. I stared out the windscreen as I heard her footsteps tumble down the stairs of her house. As she sat in the car next to me I greeted her and searched her face for signs of harm she may have caused herself in the twenty minutes of which she had been alone withoutme.

How are you today?

Good, thank you. She seemed to be bubbly and pleased to see me. This pleased me, but thedark circles under her eyes did not. Was it dreaming of me that caused her to suffer so? Youlook tired.

I couldnt sleep.

Neither could I. I laughed internally at my own joke as I turned the key in the ignition andshe laughed.

I guess thats right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did.

Id wager you did. I knew exactly how much she had slept, this conversation amused me.

So, what did you do last night?

I knew it. She was trying again. Still amused I laughed at her. Not a chance. Its my day toask questions.


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Oh, thats right. She sounded disappointed, What do you want to know?

Whats your favourite colour? It sounded like a stupid question the moment it left my lips.But I really did want to know. No matter how trivial. I wanted to know everything.

It changes from day to day.

Whats your favourite colour today?

Probably brown. B rown ? Out of all the colours in the world she chooses the colour of mud?Humans tend to like bright colours, or so I thought, her tendency to be so non-conformistmade me laugh. She had to be joking.

Brown? I doubled checked as I leaned in closer to her and looked for her expression.

Sure. She seemed genuine. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything thats supposed to be brown tree trunks, rocks, dirt is all covered up with squishy green stuff here, Shecomplained.

Of course. I had forgotten. She liked the dry. She didnt like the cold and the wet. And of course brownIt had been my favourite colour for weeks. Her eyes, that chocolate brown,like warm melted chocolate.

Youre right, brown is warm. I said to her. Incapable of taking my eyes away from hers,which were obscured by a piece of hair, I took it in my fingers and swept it behind her shoulder, before turning into the school. I parked and fired my next question.

What music is in your CD player right now?

For some reason she blushed. Linkin Park. Wow. She really doesnt conform. She likeseverything, seriously eclectic. Her taste in music made me smile. I had acquired my tastesdue to being around for so long and simply always liking something new. She was old beforeher time. I reached into the CD compartment of my car and pulled out my copy of HybridTheory. I smiled again as I handed it to her.

Debussy tothis? I watched her as she traced her finger over the cover.

I walked her to English and asked her more. And then spent my time in Spanish thinking upnew questions and watching how she worked in her lesson. Then at lunch I had more

questions.

Whats your favourite film? She mentioned an action film where the car chase scenes wereeccentric.

What film do you hate? It was a horror called alone in the dark.

Why? I wondered aloud.


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Horrors should be scary. That ones just bad. She shrugged. I smiled.

I asked her more about books and places, she liked Wuthering Heights. Jane Austen.Shakespeare. She liked classics.

Shakespeare because of the romantic stories? I asked, guessing the answer due to the most

common thoughts of young girls today, I was surprised when she laughed at me.

Not just that. I do like the bits of romance, but theyre few and far between. She looked atme. I like Shakespeare because of what he did, who he was. He wasnt some fluffy Englishromance writer. He questioned politics and religion. He caused outrage. He could have beenkilled for his thoughts, instead he was commended. Her eyes sparkled and I paused for amoment. She really was a Shakespeare fan. She was well informed, she saw much moredeeply than I gave her credit for.

I continued to fire at her she blushed every now and then, but she seemed ok. I wanted toknow everything. I wanted to know how she ticked. What she thought. If I knew enoughabout her maybe I could at least guess her thoughts.

Whats your favourite number?

Thirty-eight

Food?

Pasta

Gemstone?

Topaz. I was about to move on to another but I caught her blushing. I mean garnet.

Why the sudden change? I asked. Her warm skin flowed with blood, the corners of mymouth twitched. I love it when she blushes.

No reason.

Tell me. I insisted she wasnt looking at me I wanted to lift her chin up so I could look intoher eyes.

Its the colour of your eyes today. She sighed, but still didnt look at me, she fidgeted before dropping her hands only to lift the left and scratch her head. I suppose if you asked

me in two weeks Id say onyx.

What?

What kinds of flowers do you prefer? I threw that question out there so I could think aboutwhat she had said. I didnt want to make her feel more uncomfortable, and it had made mefeel slightly uncomfortable too. She sighed in relief and I, I am shameful to say, didnt hear her answer. No. I will think about this later. I must listen to everything.


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Complications. Eurgh. Biology. I love sitting with Bella. I really enjoy the time we have to beclose together, but Mr Banner insisted on rolling the TV into the room and turning the lightsoff. I had spent too much of the night dealing with her heat and her electricity. Its all verywell by ourselves, but I dont know what to do with myself in a dark room where no one cansee what I'm doing. I attempted to move my chair up slightly, hoping she wouldnt notice. Ididnt want to offend her. However when the light went off I could almost hear the buzzing

of the static charge that seemed to linger between the two of us. Was it coming from me? Or her? She leaned forward and folded her arms, resting her chest on them and her chin on thetable. I watched her for a while, picking out her features and staring at the way her hair flowed out down her back.

What is he doing? What a weirdo, hes just staring at her. He doesnt seem to be moving, like some kind of murderous stalker out on the prowl.

Mikes voice angered me. I knew he couldnt see small movements, but the film was boringand every other student was fidgeting or doodling or leaning, and a quiet breathing in the

back of class told me someone was sleeping. I leaned on my elbow; realising Mike hadnoticed my fault, and looked back at Bella. Shed said topaz. Just because of my eyes. Shelikes my eyes. Was that what she meant? She even likes them when I'm hungry. Thats notnormal. She really is brave. I suppose I shouldnt be surprised. I love her eyes. Why couldntshe love mine.

Edward Cullen as mushy. Strange. Eurgh Why does she even like him so much? Hes still staring at her. Eurgh the things I would do to him if no one was around...size isnt everything. I could probably take him if his stupid oafish brother kept out of it.

I turned to look at mike as his thoughts interrupted my own thoughts. I glared at him andwatched him cower. What did he think he could do to a monster like me?

Did his eyes just flash red when he looked at me? He really does just look hungry to me.

I smiled to myself and turned back to look at Bella as Mr Banner made to turn the TV off andthe light back on. She turned and looked at me. Finally. Thats what I wanted. Those eyes. Igot out of my seat and waited by the door. Silently I walked her to Gym. I allowed myself totouch her face with the back of my hand, fighting the urge to take her and kiss her here. Icouldnt afford to. Not yet. I turned and walked away, only until I knew she was inside her class. I turned back and leaned against the wall and listened in on her Gym lesson, or moreMikes complaints.

I mean, yesterday she giggled. Giggled! What exactly do they do. I meant foodnotDammit! Why him? Whats so special. I mean I can see the appeal. B ut I thought

it was a joke that women like the dark brooding type. I never thought they really truly meant it. What did her giggle mean?

He continued to struggle with how far his imagination let him go, imagining similar scenes towhat Jessica had imagined in the first place. They suited each other really. They were both

pains in my ass. Forcing me to imagine what my own girlfriend would feel like that close tome. And ohhow I wish I could. Mikes jealousy cheered me up.

When she came out she smiled instantaneously, causing my face to break into my own smile.


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She looked perfect. Her hair was swept back in a rush to get out of the changing room, whichI had out of politeness, not listened in on; and her top clung loosely to her body as thoughshed stretched it in a rush to get it back on.

How was Gym?

Fine. She grumbled, making me smile.

Do you like any sport?

I like it all if I'm not involved. She smiled back.

What about home? I asked. What do you miss most.

She seemed to consider this. My mum. She sighed. The smells, the scenery, the warmth Id say the sun, but the longer I am here the less I seem to miss it. She looked at me slightlyfrom the side but continued to walk and returned to staring straight ahead, as she stumbledover her own foot. I pretended not to notice or to connect the reason she might not miss thesun as having anything to do with me.

What smells? What scenery? Describe it to me.

Hmm She considered again, tapping her lip with a finger and giving me a small smile asshe tried hard to remember. The scent of the creosote, it smells kind of bitter, slightlyresinous, but still pleasant. The high kneeing sound of the cicadas in July, the feathery

barrenness of the trees, Her eyes seemed distant, she seemed more beautiful when she spokeof memories, her voice quieter, softer. Like a song or a poem. The very size of the sky, Shecontinued, extending white-blue from horizon to horizon, barely interrupted by the lowmountains covered with purple volcanic rock. Its beautiful. The way the sun reflects off landscapes.

How is it beautiful? I asked sadly, never having seen it.

She frowned, as though this was a difficult question and opened her mouth two or three times before stopping, turning and lifting her hands and using them to depict. The shapes of themountains, the valleys between the craggy hills, even the fact that everything is half dead. Itmakes everything seem deeper. The changes in height, the reflections in water.

She continued to describe Phoenix to me and I suddenly hated my inability to go out in thesun. I probed her more to describe her mum, Phil, her house, her room. When she finished Iwas thinking about the ability to be out in the sun, how much I missed the feeling of heat, that

only she seemed to be able to give me. Charlie Swans thoughts suddenly entered my mind.He was thinking about some game on the TV. I stopped to listen.

Are you finished? Bella asked, sounding almost tired.

Not even close but your father will be home soon.

Charlie! she paused and looked out of the window of the car which I had absent mindedlydriven her home in. How late is it? Her voice floated over so quietly that for a second I


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thought I had suddenly heard a thought. She looked at the clock and I looked out at thehorizon.

Its twilight. I muttered gazing out of the windscreen, boring old night time soon. This wasthe closest to real sun I had seen in centuries really, to me, Bella had more experience thanme; I envied her ability to enjoy the sun on her face, attempting to tan, playing in the ocean

with friends and family. Its the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also thesaddest, in a waythe end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictabledont you think?

I like the night. Without the dark, wed never see the stars. That was just like her.Something positive in everything. Every cloud Not that you see them here much. Shecontinued to grumble, making me laugh.

Charlies voice suddenly began to get louder, as I saw the patch of road he was making hisway down.

Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that youll be with meSaturday I raised an eyebrow at her in hint.

Thanks, but no thanks. Is it my turn tomorrow, then?

Certainly not! I did my best to look angry at her for even suggesting it. I told you I wasntdone, didnt I?

What more is there?

Youll find out tomorrow. I reached across to open the door to let her out but a new voicein my head made me freeze. B illy B lack . Not good.

What is it? Bella asked me her eyes worryingly searching my face for the answer.

Another complication. I'm sick of these complications!

I opened the door for her and in sudden realisation noticed I had been leaning right across her for some time. I moved away quickly so as not to let my hidden monster surface as my noseembraced her smell and her scent burnt my throat. Blacks car pulled up at the curb near us;through the rain I could see him and Bellas friend Jacob. Charlies around the corner. Iwarned her as Billy squinted through the rain to see my face. Ah. What is she doing with him?Or rather no he wouldnt hunt. Its just a lift. Maybe I should warn Isabella off just incase.

No more. I put my foot down as the boy, Jacob, got out of the car, apparently oblivious toeverything. I slowed to a stop as Charlie went by and gave myself enough distance not to beseen but I was close enough to hear their thoughts and therefore their conversations. I didnthang about. Billys grave thoughts bothered me. They filled my mind. He knew who I wasand he didnt want me around Bella. I composed myself and drove toward home. I wouldntvisit Bella tonight.


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13. Balancing

That night I sat in my room, I had put Hybrid Theory on repeat, listening to it over and over again without stopping, I read Northanger Abbey, thinking only of her whenever Isabellasname showed up on the page. Still I couldnt relax, even as a vampire, I didnt feel right.

Normally I was light, able to walk around or stand with no issue. Suddenly I felt heavy, tiredeven. I had spent so long spending every night with her and suddenly I didnt know what todo with myself when she wasnt around. It got to me. I embraced the pain I felt, as though mychest was expanding, as though for the first time in centuries my heart was beating again. Itwas the closest to being alive I had ever felt. It was unbearable, but our family missed the badthat came with human life. Humans are lucky for their weaknesses. It did, however,eventually get the better of me and I left the novel unfinished and flew out of my bedroomwindow into the night, running fast, letting the world blur past me as I ran toward themountains.

I would hunt. The monster in me was hungry and I would fight Alices visions with everyfibre of my being. I would not kill Bella, and I would defiantly not reduce her to our kind,always missing life. The vulnerability of it. Eurgh. Humans complained, they didntunderstand how lucky they were to have that vulnerability. I stopped dead.

Bear.

Grizzly.

I smiled to myself. Emmet would be so jealous. I stopped and stood dead in front of it as itstood tall and tried to scare me off. My smile turned to a smirk and I allowed my monster outto play. I moved slowly at first, feeling the need to tempt the beast, irritating it slightly. Like acat chasing a ball of string, once this monster had caught sight of me all I had to do wasspeedily dodge. The bear took a swipe, I dodged to the side, causing the bear to turn around

in confusion looking for the new threat that this strange human appeared to be presenting. Ontop of that the bear could smell a difference. The bear staggered toward me taking another swipe, this time I dodged back to position, slashing my hand across his body on my way,causing a large wound to open with my nails. The whining noise from the bear was loud. Myown personal monster bounded around my chest in glee, I allowed the play to continue for awhile.

B ored Now.

My hand whipped out away from my body and I ripped the bears throat out before the bear had even realised Id made any kind of movement, the beast stood for a moment beforecollapsing to the ground. I pounced, feeling my teeth sink into the bears throat like pudding,

for lack of a better, less human expression. The warm liquid that I gulped down my throatfilled me. I was stuffed. Stuffed. But not satisfied. It was like taking ages to squeeze orange juice yourself instead of just using the carton and adding your own sugar and honey to makethe taste sweet. There was no sweet taste. It just irritated me. My hands would have shook.Instead of allowing myself human blood, or worse Bellas blood I ran deeper into themountains to find myself a lion. It didnt quite taste too close to human blood, but it was

better than bear. Shame about the lack of monkeys, how different would that taste I wonder.So far I had never experimented from fear that it would smell too similar to a human and Iwouldnt be able to stop myself anymore. I spent the rest of the night feeding on deer. No


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lions came out for me. I was severely disappointed.

I became bored and sick to my stomach of food from over eating. I ran home and showered, brushed my teeth purely to hide the smell of blood. I couldnt have Bella helplessly faintingin front of me. I felt disgusted with myself. I couldnt believe I had allowed myself to playwith my food in that way. How could I look Bella in the face knowing I had killed like a

rabid dog? Usually it was me telling Emmet to stop playing with his food. When I had gotthrough the door that morning, Emmets thoughts had been loud and obnoxious. Dont playwith your food he says, Oh yes, Edward we all know about your little circus act last night.

Alice saw it when you left. Personally I think its about time you enjoyed the hunt, but youve given Rosalie more ammunition against B ella, she blames her for your strange behaviour. Hehad continued to ramble on whilst Rosalies stream of foul language shrieked through myhead. I was finally glad to get out of there, not before I had checked on Alice to see how shewas.

A little shaken up, having seen you kill like that. Alice looked down. I apologised. Its fine,and dont be so hard on yourself. Its probably what you needed to protect Bella. She wontlove you less because of your hunting skills. She giggled slightly In fact if you told her, her eyes would probably widen and she would look at you for a while before asking if you couldteach her

Dont joke. I had said, knowing only too well that, since it was Bella, she most likelywould. Either thator shed ask for a video. Her whole brain was back to front. I rolled myeyes as Alice giggled.

I drove to Bellas, waiting as usual for Charlie to leave. I rolled in just as Charlie rounded thecorner and turned the engine off to wait. Bella came out the door almost as soon as Id turnedthe engine off. I smiled as she climbed in the car, like a school boy. I couldnt help it. Thiswas my Bella, and having not seen her all night had really taken its toll. I was starting to needher. I heard her heart skip. I heard it. It always seemed to shock me that she really loved me.

How did you sleep? I asked her

Fine. How was your night?

Pleasant. I replied, amused by how wide her eyes looked, remembering my earlier chatwith Alice. I knew what was coming. I was defiantly not going to tell her.

Can I ask what you did?

No. I replied, smiling that I was finally grasping this guessing game. Today is still mine.

Mine. My day with my Bella.

Whats your mum like then? I asked her. Similar hobbies to you or?

HmmmShes a child really. She still enjoys playing games. I suppose her current hobby isPhil. She laughed.

At lunch I asked her about boys she had dated, she blushed.


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So you never met anyone you wanted? I asked shocked when she confirmed she hadntever dated. Was I the first man she had ever looked at? Did I want to be the last? No, well,only in a good way.

Not in Phoenix.

I was about to ask her what she meant. Was I the first? But Alices thoughts swam into viewand I saw the vision again.

Sorry. I dont know what you want to do?

I should have let you drive yourself today. I said to Bella, resolving to leave after lunch toeat again, this time with Alice. Bellas mouth opened a little and I was surprised to find itendearing that I could see all her chewed up food.

Why? She demanded, and I realised she thought this was about the previous conversation.

I'm leaving with Alice after lunch. I said truthfully.

Oh. Thats okay. She sounded down. Its not that far to walk.

Great. I had upset her and she was trying to walk home. I'm not going to make you walk home. Well go get your truck and leave it here for you.

I dont have my key with me. I really dont mind walking. She still looked down to me.

Ah I see, okay. I will let you finish. Alice must have seen my decision.

No. Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition unless youre afraidsomeone might steal it. I added laughing at my own joke, again.

Alright.

Oh. I see. T HAT again . I smiled. Thanks Alice, I thought.

So where are you going? She asked.

Hunting. I said, watching her eyes widen as I said it. Ha, again Alice was right. She wantsto watch. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever

precautions I can. Twice over. You can always cancel, you know. You should cancel. Imnot strong enough. I want to spend the day with you.

No I cant. She said looking down at her plate.

Perhaps youre right. I didnt want to hurt her. Emotionally or Physically, I would strive to be her guardian vampire.

What time will I see you tomorrow?

That dependsits a Saturday, dont you want to sleep in?


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No. She said before I got my last word out. It was difficult not to smile.

The same as usual, then, will Charlie be there? I asked, hopeful.

No, hes fishing tomorrow. She smiled, she really didnt think about her own safety at all.

And if you dont come home, what will he think? I meant it as a threat. I hoped it soundedthreatening, if she took it the wrong way

I have no idea. He knows Ive been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe hell think I fell inthe washer.

I managed to force the smile that was trying to form into a scowl. She scowled right back atme.

What are you hunting tonight? She asked after giving up with her scowl.

Whatever we find in the park. Were not going far.

Why are you going with Alice?

Alice is the most I searched for the right word. Shes there to control my thirst for human blood. We were going out more for training. Supportive. I suppose.

And the others? What are they?

Vampires. Incredulous for the most part.

Emmet. Irritating. Rose. Not a chance. Jasperwell hes too empathic I think and still isntcomfortable with this. Only Alice can tell when I will endanger humans.

They dont like me. She said

Thats not it. They dont understand why I cant leave you alone.

Neither do I, for that matter.

I like her Edward! Let me talk to her . I shook my head and rolled my eyes. Certain she wouldhave seen it.

I told you you dont see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone Ive ever known.You fascinate me.

She looked at me. I smiled at her, glad of my final resolve to never lie to her. Having theadvantages I do, I have a better than advantage grasp of human nature. You always take me

by surprise. She looked away, that part is easy enough to explain. But there is more andits not so easy to put into words

She was staring at the family. Keep your filthy human eyes away from this family . Roses


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voice entered my head and I growled in anger. Quiet enough so that only our ears could hear.Bella looked at me again, confused. Hurt.

Im sorry about that. Shes just worried. You see its dangerous for more than just me if,after spending so much time with you publicly How can I finish that sentence? I couldnt.I was too ashamed.

If?

If thisends badly. That was the best I could do. I covered my face with my hands. Wasthat the only possible outcome?

And you have to leave now?

If you think Im going to sit and watch my future best friend feeling down because of Rose you have another thing coming. I'm coming over. Yes, Alice was right, I smiled. Perfecttiming for that question Bella.

Yes. Its probably for the best. Behind me Alice understood that as a confirmation, kissingJaspers cheek. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in

biology I dont think I could take any more.

Alice I nodded as she made her presence known.

Edward.

Alice, Bella Bella, Alice.

Hello Bella, its nice to finally meet you.

I glared at her. Keep your mouth shut.

Hi Alice. Bella said.

Are you ready? Alice asked me.

Nearly, Ill meet you at the car.

I'll get B ellas car now then. Hmmback pocket She thought as she remembered the visionof herself getting the car.

Should I say have fun or is that the wrong sentiment? Bella asked me, I smiled, naturally.Why not? Id had fun last night.

No have fun works as well as anything

Have fun, then.

Ill try, and can you try to be safe please?


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Safe in Forks what a challenge.

For you it is a challenge. Promise.

I promise to try to be safe. Ill do the laundry tonight that ought to be fraught with peril.

Dont fall in. I teased.

Ill do my best.

I stood up and she followed suit.

See you tomorrow.

It seems like a long time to you, doesnt it? I asked her and she nodded. Ill never understand why. Youll sleep through most of it.

Ill be there in the morning. I touched her face for as long as I dared, gave myself another second to wonder what she was thinking, before briskly walking away so as not to enjoy ittoo much.

Alice was leant against my car when I reached the car park, the truck parked behind it. Moveout so I can get it in! I obeyed, climbing into my own car and backing out allowing Alice to

park. I opened the glove compartment of my car and scribbled a note, leaving it on Bellasseat and driving away with Alice in my car.

So, you want to put lives in danger? she asked me.

In a word? Yes

Please explain.

I figure that if, even when in full attack, I can avoid attacking people when theyre close by,then I have more of a chance of keeping Bella alive.

We parked up. Alice glided out of the car and I followed her locking the car. She skipped intothe wood where the people often walked dogs. I would only ever do this with Alice and shewould sit and look to the future. If I needed help she was quick enough to stop me. I spentmost of the day hunting deer, without enjoyment. I still regretted my behaviour from the

night before. We saw four humans walk through the wood, I didnt stop hunting. We weretoo quick for their eyes and I continued to hunt even when they were in fairly close proximity. Alice ran to me once and grabbed my wrist.

Stop.

Why? I didnt feel any different from before. What is it?

Sorry, I was just testing. Edward I think youre fine. We can probably stop with the worry.


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NO! I snapped. The more I eat the less likely it is for me to turn on her! Alice stared atme, her eyes widened and she smiled.

You care for her so much. I am so happy for you.

I sniffed and continued to hunt. Once full I made sure to eat some rabbits. Happy snacks. Itwas a fine idea; they would keep me going too. We hunted until dawn, when I ran to thehouse to shower and brush my teeth again. I would not be the reason for Bella faintingespecially not if we were to be alone, far away from civilisation.

I walked slow at first to Bellas, I realised that through all the panic, all I had been thinkingabout was that being with her alone meant danger. For the first time I actually felt excitement.I was going to be alone with the woman I loved. I ran the rest of the journey, rememberingthat if I was early enough she might inform her father. I knocked on the door which appearedto open so quick it almost hit her on the nose. On top of that she was wearing the sameclothes as me. Now I understood. That was why Alice insisted on dressing me, I laughed.

Good morning.

Whats wrong? she glanced down,

We match. I said laughing and she looked down at herself and then giggled. I could havefainted, had I been human. She was a breath of fresh air. I walked to the truck and waited atthe passenger door. She needlessly reminded me of the deal, climbing in and opening thedoor for me.

I directed her to the meadow, not even concentrating on the road. Being in a big metal boxwas defiantly the best thing for her. The clouds were beginning to dissipate now; luckily theroad was now covered by trees which arched overhead. I continued to stare while she askedme questions. Where is it? Where are we going? Were hiking? Some banter about our cars.The conversation just seemed irrelevant to me. I just wanted to watch her. The way her wristsseemed delicate on the steering wheel, the way her hair flowed down her back, often fallingto cover her face, giving me the excuse to touch her. Her eyes seemed to penetrate me, if I didhave a soul, as Carlisle continued to insist on, she was the one person who could find it. For some time she was quiet. I knew she was worried about her lack in coordination but I wantedto know. What are you thinking? I could ask her now. No more stressing that I couldnthear her thoughts. I could just ask.

Just wondering where were going. Ah, she lied, must just be the worry about hiking,maybe I could maybe not.

Its a place I like to go when the weather is nice.

Charlie said it would be warm today

And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?

Nope.


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But Jessica thinks were going to Seattle together? thats OK, as long as someone knew shewas with me.

No, I told her you cancelled on me which is true.

No one knows youre with me? this was a worry. How could she be so stupid to endanger

herself in this way?

That depends I assume you told Alice?

Thats very helpful, Bella. I snapped Are you so depressed by Forks that its made yousuicidal?

You said it might cause trouble for you us being together publicly. Trouble is goodBella! Good! Now you arent safe!

So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me if you dont come home? I was being harsh, and maybe a bit too forceful, but why couldnt she understand, if I killed her No it wouldnt happen. Id talk to the Volturi if it did.

She nodded. Nodded?

If you die, I die too. I swear. I said it fast. We were silent for the rest of the drive.

So I was leading my beloved to her death. Fantastic.

This way. I spat as we hiked through the forest. She began to panic, blabbering about a trailseeming to get very upset; she looked like she might cry. Do you want to go home? I asked,

begging her to say no.

No. She came closer. Reminding me of a small child who clings to their mothers trouser legs to keep safe. I turned to face her properly.

Whats wrong?

Im not a very good hiker. Youll have to be very patient. This made me smile. She wasworried about slowing me down; she really is a beautiful person.

I can be patient if I make a great effort. She tried to smile at me. She couldnt. Too upset.This is my fault. Rose is right. Im a Jackass. Ill take you home.

If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, youd better startleading the way. A cold tone. What? Id just thought I had got the hang of you. I couldntwork her out. I just turned and walked, under the assumption that I must have really upsether. I had to stop doing that.

The hike took all morning; she humoured me by answering any new questions that poppedinto my head. There were times when I helped her along on the more difficult parts of thehike, but every time I touched her I didnt want to let go ever again. It started to get harder and harder. The sadness that had been in her eyes had vanished and she was smiling again. I


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relaxed slightly, happy that she wanted to be close to me still. When I pointed to the spot wewere headed toward I smiled. The sun had risen. She couldnt yet see it. When we reachedthe meadow, Bellas eyes were alight. She took a few minutes to take it in, looking around for a while. I knew she was picking up on the colours; all the colours she missed from Arizonawere here. It took her a while before she appeared to remember why she was here. Shestepped toward me but I held up a hand and she stopped. I looked at the light, was this a good

idea? She may never look at me the same way again; I was a freak and she was beautiful. Theonly thing I could picture without taking the leap, was the terror she was about to reveal inher eyes. She looked at me as I sighed and took a step into the light allowing my body t o lightup and sparkle with my eyes closed. I was unable to face her reaction. I breathed out heavilyand opened my eyes, to see hers, wide, frozen on me.

14. Confessions

She was quiet for some time. We ended up lying in the grass, in the sun. If she had beenscared she had done a good job to cover it up. I had taken to singing to myself to calm down.After a while my body settled and I relaxed. It was nice to lay next to Bella, the sun reflectingoff my monstrous body without panicking that I might get caught. She watched me for a longtime, her eyes unmoving and her body still. If it wasnt for the blood which pumped throughher veins and the warm colour of her skin, she could have been mistaken as a vampire. Sheseemed to make a quick movement, before thinking better of it. I tried to ignore it, notwanting to embarrass her. Suddenly I felt heat on the back of my hand and I looked at her asshe stroked my hand, smiling to herself. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I smiled.

I dont scare you? I asked her, I wanted to cup her face in my hand and bring it closer tomine, but I couldnt I wasnt ready, so much hesitation in me refused to allow self-indulgence.

No more than usual.She moved closer to me tracing her finger over my arm, sending the sparks of electricityflying up my arm. The soft tingling sensation lasted; her finger was warm, as she traced itacross my arm, leaving a trail which felt like it was glowing in the heat. I could feel her handtremble. Closing my eyes I allowed her warmth to seep into my skin. If I was human thefeeling would have caused me to shiver, but as it was the hairs on my arms didnt even lift off my skin the way hers seemed to.

Do you mind?

No. I replied feeling the suns glow on my face. You cant imagine how good that feels.

Her hand continued to trace my skin and the tingling sensation continued. She reached for myhand and I turned it over for her, perhaps a little too fast, since her hand froze on my skin.

Sorry. I meant it. Its too easy for me to be myself with you.

She lifted my hand, causing my arm to rise off the floor; I noticed she didnt put it back down. I turned to look at her, seeing her gazing at my hand intently, as though looking for small rocks that might have embedded themselves in my skin, caused me to stare at her. I


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noticed how her lips were slightly parted, the same as when she slept, her beautiful browneyes wide. I liked the way a piece of her hair fell forward, making one of her eyes darker. Thesun reflected off her, causing her hair and skin to glow. A slight crease had formed on her forehead and I began to wonder, yet again how her mind worked. What did she think aboutall the time? Who did she think about? What did she think of people? What did she love?What made her want to sing and dance? These questions, she could never answer that would

satisfy me. I would always know she wasnt quite being as deep as her eyes depicted. Her mind was an ocean, her words, a mere river, never quite deep enough to submerge myself in.If I can hear a persons thoughts I can understand. But expressing thoughts to words wasalways difficult, even for me. How could I ever feel as though I know her, when I couldnteven hear how she thought? Even now, as she gets closer to my hand, her breath warms mywrist, the electricity causing my dead heart to feel punctured. How could I know what shewas thinking? I knew I could ask, I knew she would answer. I was still glad of that. It wasmillions times better than trying to ignore her existence entirely.

Tell me what youre thinking. Its still too strange for me, not knowing.

You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time.

Its a hard life. But you didnt tell me.

I was wishing I could know what you were thinking.

And? That really just backed up how I felt. Your answer will never satisfy me. Because Ihear the deepest thoughts in peoples mindsand I cant even hear your immediate thoughts.

I was wishing that I could believe you were real. And I was wishing that I wasnt afraid.

I dont want you to be afraid. This was true. Although I knew it was better if she was, Iknew how I would feel if she flinched every time I touched her. It would break me.

Well, thats not exactly the fear I meant, though thats certainly something to think about.

I moved to my arm, leaning toward her. I had to stop myself for a second. I was about to kissher. I couldnt, Id had to stop. Instead I just continued to look into her eyes, allowing myself to be consumed by her perfection.

What are you afraid of then? I had to ask.

She was silent for a while, just staring back at me intently. Suddenly she leaned closer to me, breathing in, causing the monster in me to react, my mouth began to water as her scent

wafted through my mouth and burned my throat. NO! I pulled away, darting into the shade. Ilooked at my hand, which felt chilled without hers, then looked up at her. I am so sorry Bella.I cant allow myself to lose control. Not if the result is losing you. She looked so hurt. I wastoo afraid to comfort her. The monster in me raged. As though it was battling to get out andhave her. Her voice reached my ears.

I'msorryEdward.

Give me a moment. I called back, raising my voice so she could hear. Get a grip, Cullen .


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I growled to myself in a low voice, so she couldnt hear, clenching my fists and squashing themonster down. Then I breathed in and walked toward her, sitting about a foot away for safety. I locked my eyes onto hers and never let go of her gaze. Smiling at her in the hope shemight forgive me.

I am so very sorry. I said every word with emphasis so that she might truly believe me.

Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human? I could tell Iddisappointed her. I sighed. Im the worlds best predator arent I? Everything about meinvites you in I hated it. My voice, my face, even my smell . As if I need any of that! Ihad to show her. I stood and moved at top speed, covering the circumference of the meadow,

before returning just as quick to see her eyes widen. My head felt as though it might explodefrom the quiet . As if you could outrun me! I grabbed the biggest fattest branch off a nearbytree, ripping it off the trunk effortlessly. I hurled it at another tree, and she watched it splinter.She trembled. Fear. I took a step closer to her; I was but a step away from her, clearlytowering over her, shadowing the light off her face. Pain shot through me and my voice

became quiet. As if you could fight me off.

I wanted her to speak. Her lip trembled with fear and she sat unmoving at my feet. Her fear saddened me. I wanted her to fear me, to protect her, but I wanted her to love me. A lovewithout fear. My wants, my needs, they confused me. I hated it. Dont be afraid. I resolved.I promiseI swear not to hurt you. Dont be afraid. She still didnt speak. I stared at her.Dread ran through me, this was it; I had just scared her away. I took a weak step forward andcrouched down. Please forgive me. I begged. I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behaviour now. Silence. Last chance. I'm not thirsty today,honestly. I winked at her and she laughed. She laughed! I could jump for joy. I didnt. Areyou alright? I asked her, feeling guilty for the fear I had placed in her heart and putting myhand in hers. She looked at my hand for a moment and then lifted her head to look in my eyesand back to my hand. She began to trace her finger across it again and smiled up at me. Ismiled back. So where were we before I behaved so rudely? I asked her, wanting so bad toreturn to the warm comfort we had been basking in before.

I honestly cant remember.

I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason.

Oh right.

Well? I wanted an answer. She didnt. How frustrated I am. I sighed and she looked upagain, gazing into my eyes.

I was afraid because, for, well, obvious reasons, I cant stay with you. I'm afraid that Id

like to stay with you, much more than I should. She said this as she stared at the floor. Ididnt understand. Did she want us to be apart?

Yes, I found myself in agreement. That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to bewith me. Thats really not in your best interest. Not if you want to live a healthy life, or if you want to grow old together with someone. I sighed. I should have left a long time ago. Ishould leave now. But I dont know if I can.

I dont want you to leave.


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Which is exactly why I should. But dont worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I craveyour company too much to do what I should.

I'm glad.

Dont be! Its not only your company I crave! I hated myself. Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else. A voice that I didnt recogniseentered my head. Where are we? Are we lost again? A family had driven down towardBellas car, turned around and headed back toward the main road.

I dont think I understand exactly what you mean by that last part anyway. I looked awayfrom where I had heard the thoughts back at Bella and smiled.

How do I explain? And without frightening you againhmmm. I held both her hands inmine feeling the warmth spreading through them to mine. I voiced my joy to feel thatsensation; Thats amazingly pleasant, the warmth. I thought about how to explain why Iwanted her blood more than any other persons. You know how everyone enjoys differentflavours? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry? she nodded and Icontinued. Sorry about the food analogy I couldnt think of another way to explain. Wesmiled at each other. You see every person smells different, has a different essence. If youlocked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, hed gladly drink it. But he could resist, if hewished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now lets say you places in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest finest cognac and filled the room with its warm aroma how do you think he would fare then? She didnt look convinced. Maybe thats not theright comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should havemade our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.

So what you're saying is, Im your own brand of heroin?

I smiled as she tried to humour me.

Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.

Does that happen often? she asked me sounding intrigued. I was glad of the conversationCarlisle had had a while back with us.

I spoke to my brothers about it. I told her, I went on to explain how Jasper sees all humansthe same. How he hadnt had time to grow to the different essences. I then went on to explainthat Emmet had been trying much longer but had twice smelt an essence that good. How hehad messed up. Twice. However I had to inform Bella that she was my first. I explained that

it was difficult for Emmet since they were strangers and hed crossed them in the woods.

So if wed metoh, in a dark alley or something she didnt finish her question. Imentally shivered as I remembered that first biology lesson. Sitting next to her, planning to

pick off each student one by one, working out my best plan for execution without beingcaught. I remembered how my plans were the only thing that stopped me attacking her. I hadkept my mind working hard in the hope it might distract me.

It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and I


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23/40

You are an idiot. We laughed for a little. And so the lion fell in love with the lamb

What a stupid lamb.

What a sick, masochistic lion. Yes. It was slightly amusing, very soap opera . Yet, thisreally was too sick for a laugh. Bella began to ask me a question and I snapped back to reality

to look at her. I smiled.

Yes?

Tell me why you ran away from me before.

She was still thinking about that. She had come so close to me, if I had allowed myself to kissher what would the monster inside me have done?

You know why. I replied.

No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? Ill have to be on my guard, you see, I better startlearning what I shouldnt do. This for example seems to be alright. She said, stroking myhand. I smiled. Its only ok because I am calm and prepared.

You didnt do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault.

She protested. But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you.

Well I thought about this. If I didnt give her something to work with, I knew she would be dissatisfied. Instead, I just decided to explain. It was just how close you were. Mosthumans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled my our aliennessI wasnt expectingyou to come so close. And the smell of your throat . I went quiet, I didnt want to continue,to scare her.

Okay, then no throat exposure. She said pushing her chin down to cover her neck. Ilaughed.

No, really it was more the surprise than anything else. I put my hand on her neck feelingthe warmth spread through my arm, and noticed how close to I was to that collar bone Ifavoured so much. She felt brittle beneath my touch. You see. Perfectly fine. She blushedand her heart pounded against her chest, her lips quivered and she stared at me. I stroked her cheek. The blush on your cheeks is lovely. I wanted more. I held her face in my hands as Idebated how far I could go without hurting her. Be very still. I told her. I moved slowly atfirst, resting my cheek against her throat, letting the warmth spread to me, enjoying it, I slid

my hands down her neck and I felt her shiver, and her movement caused me to breathe indeep, my throat burned and I stopped short, trying to return my breathing to normal so that Iwould get used to her scent. I continued moving my hands, only stopping at her shoulders. Iturned my face so that my nose rubbed down her collar bone and rested my face there. I hadwaited, every night in her room, wanting to be here, wishing I could be here. Rested againsther chest, her heartbeat slowing in recovery from the shock, I still wanted to know what it feltlike when she slept. Did her heartbeat change then too? When she dreamt of me did her heartquicken? I sat and watched her before, now I was close, I had allowed myself a closeness.Suddenly every fear I had ever had for Bella dissipated. I could never hurt this delicate


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human being. I loved her. She would always be mine. I would only exist to please her, benear her, protect her. I wouldnt ever hurt her. I sighed. I felt at ease against her chest, and shestill didnt move, again doing her best impression of a vampire, allowing me to stay in that

position. Soon I would want more, but, for now, this was enough. She was safe, until Iwanted more again, and then we would have to do all this again to make myself calm enoughto go through with it. Suddenly I understood what humans meant when they said lets take it

slow. They want what Bella and I would have. Humans got bored easily, taking things slowwould keep them excited, it would keep them wanting. I hated this. I wanted to have whathumans had, the ability to get bored. In this moment I hoped that Bella was not like theeveryday humans whose thoughts I had had to listen to my whole life. I silently begged her never to get bored. I let go, sat back and looked at her.

It wont be so hard again.

Was that very hard for you?

Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?

No, it wasnt badfor me.

You know what I mean.

She smiled.

Here. Do you feel how warm it is? I asked her, placing her hand against my cheek, shedidnt answer she just stared.

Dont move. She whispered.

I trusted her. I closed my eyes and was still. Concentrating and calming myself so that if sheset the monster off... I could run. She moved slowly, following my face and touching myfeatures. She ran her finger along my lips which opened from the touch, breathing in her scent. My lips wanted to taste hers. The monster stayed quiet. I had been wrong. I wasnt

patient. I would want more the second Bella tempted me to it. Resting against her chest wasnot enough. It took me a lot of control not to grab her wrist and pull her to me. Every scenethat I had ever seen in Jessica or Mikes minds suddenly ran through my head and my breathquickened, my chest compressed and she let her hand fall from my face. I opened my eyesand stared at her, silently wishing I could hold her, wishing I was able to hold her in my armsand stroke her face. I wished I was human. I wished I could run my hand all over her withoutcomplications. My hands felt weak, my arms felt weak. I wished I would never have to leavethis place, her company. I wished I could have more time with her. I wished my emotions

were less erratic. I wished she would break my heart and run. I wished that she would alwaystrust me. I wished that she would stay with me forever.

I wish She looked at me. I wish you could feel the complexitythe confusionIfeel. That you could understand. I brushed my favourite piece of hair away from her face sothat I could look at her better.

Tell me. She breathed beneath my hand, her warm breath making my black heart twist intosome form of knot.


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I dont think I can. Ive told you, on the one hand, the hunger the thirst that, deplorablecreature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though,as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably cant empathize completely. Ifound this slightly amusing. I raised a hand to touch her lips. ButThere are other hungers.Hungers that I dont even understand, that are foreign to me. I was thinking of her. I didnt

understand the hunger I felt now. I didnt want to eatI wanted to consume.

I may understand that better than you think.

Im not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this? It felt like my heart was thumpinghard, like all the dead hormones in my brain were being released.

For me? No, never. Never before this.

I took her hands. It felt like I was crying. The pain was unbearable. I felt weak, desperate. Iwanted this feeling and yet again I couldnt handle it. Yet again I wanted to run, and rip a

bears throat out, just to prove to myself that I wasnt human.

I dont know how to be close to you. I dont know if I can.

She put her face against my bear chest. I felt sad that she would never hear a heartbeat there.

This is enough. She breathed, as though answering my thoughts, however, I still doubted it;I had thought that until she had touched my lips, and then I had been hungry, desperate for more. I wanted to believe her. I wrapped my arms around her, giving in to some moretemptations, leaning my face against her hair and breathing in the scent of her.

Youre better at this than you give yourself credit for.

I have human instincts they may be buried deep, but theyre there.

The meadow grew dark and she, still against my chest, sighed. I knew she was thinking abouthaving to leave my arms.

You have to go.

I thought you couldnt read my mind?

Its getting clearer. I replied, pleased with myself that I was yet again, right with my guess.I turned her toward me. Can I show you something?

Show me what?

Ill show you how I travel in the forest. She looked panicked. Dont worry, youll be verysafe, and well get to your truck much faster. I asked her smiling, I heard her heart skip.

Will you turn into a bat?

I laughed. Like I havent heard that one before! Well I hadnt personally, but I had seen


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enough films.

Right, I'm sure you get that one all the time.

Come on, little coward, climb on my back. She hesitated, so I grabbed her and placed her on my back, when she clamped her legs and arms around me I took it as a yes. I still loved

it when I got yeses.

Im a bit heavier than your average rucksack.

Hah! Like I could tell the difference, the only reason I knew she was there is because sheclung to me. I pressed her hand against my face and breathed her in, I had to mostly rely oninstincts for my reactions to be good. I didnt want to lose control. I love her smell.

Easier all the time. I said to myself. Maybe one day I wouldnt notice.

The trees were a blur beside me, I felt free as I weaved in and out, dodging trees. I want to.I'm going to. I have control. I can do it. I love her scent. I will. I will. I will. We were by thecar in seconds. Not enough time running.

Exhilarating isnt it? There was no answer, nor did she move. Bella?

I think I need to lie down. Her weak voice whispered in my ear.

Oh, sorry. I realised she might feel sick.

I think I need help. She sounded so pathetic it amused me and I no longer felt so guilty. Iknew she would be ok in a few minutes. I pulled her down gently and let her lean on me.

How do you feel?

Dizzy, I think.

Put your head between your knees. She did.

I guess that wasnt the best idea.

No, it was very interesting.

Hah! Youre as white as a ghost- no, you're as white as me! I joked.

I think I should have closed my eyes.

Remember that next time.

Next time! I laughed at the horror in her voice. Show off.

Open your eyes, Bella. I was crouching next to her while she sat. I was thinking whilerunning.


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About not hitting trees, I hope.

Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, its nothing I have to think about.

Show off. She repeated.

No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try. I said taking her face and bracingmyself. I know it will be ok. I breathed in close to her face, my throat burned, but no monster surfaced. I pressed my lips against hers, softly, her warm lips heated mine as I felt theelectricity spark up all over my body, it was a strong current, it felt as though my long deadheart could be revived. She gasped and her hand came up, her fingers in my hair, sending thesparks down my temples, driving my thoughts wild. Alerting me to the fact that she washungry, she wanted me closer. I wanted to give that to her. I wanted to kiss her harder, but themonster began to surface. Her lips parted for more, I heard her breathe, but I stopped. I

pushed her face backward allowing me to pull myself away. My chest tight, my breathingheavy my arms aching to have her back and the monster screaming in rage that I had eventhought of pulling my teeth away from her face.

Oops.

Thats an understatement. I said to her, my voice sharp. I didnt want to stop, I wanted totry again. I loved how much she wanted me, the spark that I had felt had excited her, and shehad lost control. Her brown eyes looked worried as I stared into them; her heart was beatingso hard I could almost feel it on my own chest. It was so hard, I couldnt pull myself away. Iwanted to be able to lose control, without risking her life.

Should I? I felt her pull weakly against my unmoving hands. I wanted to keep her, Iwasnt letting go. I had to get used to being this close to her and forcing myself to control thismonster. I wanted to have control. I wanted her close to me. I wanted to be human. I wanted asoul. I never wanted to leave my Bella. I wanted to keep her here forever.

No, its tolerable. Wait for a moment please. I said not wanting to let go. I realised that myfear shouldnt have been my lack of self control concerning her life, but my inability to allowher to ever leave my sight again. I always wanted her to be next to me. Of course that wasnever to be. I had to let go at some point. I smiled, realising I was being overly human. Themonster retreated.

There.

Tolerable? she sounded hurt. I laughed

Im stronger than I thought. Its nice to know.

I wish I could say the same. Im sorry.

You are only human after all.

Thanks so much. She replied, her voice full of sarcasm.

I stood up and gave Bella my hand, she wavered as she stood.


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Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?

I cant be sure, Im still woozy. I think its some of both though.

Maybe you should let me drive. I said hopefully.

Are you insane?

I can drive much better than you on your best day, you have much slower reflexes.

Im sure thats true, but I dont think my nerves, or my truck, could take it.

Some trust, please, Bella. I requested and she shook her head.

Nope. Not a chance. She tried to get past me but she nearly fell over and I had to put myarm out for her.

Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive.Im not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you cant even walk straight.Besides, friends dont let friends drive drunk.

Drunk?

Youre intoxicated by my presence.

I cant argue with that. She gave up and dropped the key from a height, which I caught.Take it easy my truck is a senior citizen.

Very sensible.

And youre not affected at all by my presence?

I stared at her, her question ringing in my ears. I leaned toward her to kiss her, but changedmy mind and brushed my lips just underneath hers. She trembled. My skin prickled.

Regardless, I have better reflexes.

15. Mind over matter

We pulled up outside Bellas house after twilight, her father still out. Bella had spent the journey asking me questions about my family. Now we were discussing our parting.

I want to stay with you.

Cant I come in? I asked, taking the opportunity to spend extra time with her.

Would you like to? She asked me like it was a strange question.


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Yes, if its all right. I climbed out of the car and rushed to her side to open hers.

Very human. She said, her voice sounded serious and I realised she meant my oldfashioned style, not my super-human speed.

Its defiantly resurfacing.

I closed the door of the truck as she climbed out and began walking toward the door,unlocking the door and opening it for her.

The door was unlocked?

No, I used the key from under the eave.

She turned the light on and looked at me suspiciously.

I was curious about you.

You spied on me? she asked.

What else is there to do at night? She had always asked.

She went to the kitchen, and I followed quickly, stepping ahead of her and sitting in a chair. Iwatched as she made herself dinner, as she ate she asked me more questions. Hmm?

How often did you come here?

I come here almost every night. I answered truthfully.

Why?

Youre interesting when you sleep. Internally, I smiled. You talk.

No! She blushed heavily, her face seemed contorted in horror.

Are you very angry with me? I asked her, I felt a smile spread across my face.

That depends!

On?

What you heard!

I went to her, taking her hands swiftly in mine, I looked bent down over her, looking into her eyes.

Dont be upset! Her face turned, her eyes staring at my ear. You miss your mother, youworry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk abouthome a lot, but its less often now. Once you said, Its too green . I laughed.


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Anything else?

You did say my name.

A lot?

How much do you mean by a lot exactly? I asked her seriously.

Oh no! She seemed quite distraught as she let her head fall and she stared at her feet. I pulled her to me, succumbing to the feeling I had been experiencing all day. My want for her closeness.

Dont be self-conscious, if I could dream at all, it would all be about you. And I'm notashamed of it. I whispered in her ear, knowing that my voice was more calming when it wasquiet.

Charlies car pulled into the drive. I had missed his thoughts. I felt Bella stiffen, maybe shewould have been more prepared if I had been paying attention more.

Should your father know I'm here?

Im not sure

Another time then I replied to her unfinished sentence.

I turned and fled up the stairs. I could hear my name being hissed from the landing. I laughedto myself before I went to Bellas room and shut her door. I lay comfortably on her bed,

placing my hands behind my head and listening to Charlies thoughts as he came through thedoor. It wasnt a necessity, I could hear everything said, and Bellas father tended to speak whatever entered his mind. I got to see Bella though, through her fathers eyes. He wasinterrogating her about her night.

None of the boys in town your type, eh? She must have picked up some healthy young lad by now, I hope her mother had the talk with her.

No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet.

I chuckled to myself as I heard her voice break as she said the word boys. I suppose at myage I was too old to be considered a boy.

I thought maybe that Mike Newtonyou said he was friendly. I let out a short hiss at

Mikes name. I still didnt like him.

Hes just a friend, Dad. I felt like she was telling me more than him. I let my thoughtswonder more as Charlie insisted she wait for college before she said goodnight and started upthe stairs. Bella opened her bedroom door and came in, facing the door and closing it quietly.She ran straight past me to the window, throwing it open and whispering my name. I laughed.

Yes?


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She turned to look at me, a small oh escaping her lips as she put her hand to her chest inshock and she sat on the floor. I apologised in amusement.

Just give me a minute to restart my heart, she said quietly, lifting her hand up at me. I satup and leaned over the bed, picking her up by her shoulders and sitting her next to me andtook her hand.

Why dont you sit here with me? Hows the heart?

You tell me I'm sure you hear it better than I do.

I laughed, she was probably right. I listened to her heart beating erratically in her chest for amoment, before it began to slow a little, however, even though she had calmed herself, her heart was still beating fast for a human. It made me smile.

Can I have a minute to be human? She asked suddenly.

Certainly.

Stay. She commanded me.

Yes, maam. I sat on the edge of the bed, turning my head to look at her stretching my leftleg into a right angle while pulling my right leg in and holding myself up with my right hand

placed on my right thigh; my left arm rested on my leg as the hand fell limp over the side.She seemed amused by this, grabbed a few things from the floor and leaving the room. I sat

perfectly still, staring at the door and awaiting her return, my mind began to wonder to whereshe was, in the shower and I had to fight not to picture her. Instead I listened in on Charlie,using his eyes to watch the news. Bella appeared in front of him in the front room, her hair wet and twisted down her back.

Night, Dad.

Night, Bella. Oh. She is serious about going to bed then . I pulled away from his thoughtsand stared back at the bedroom door, waiting for her to come back to me.

Seeing her with my own eyes was always better than through someone elses. Her hair hadfallen from its twisted shape and had fallen straggled down her back. She was wearing a longfaded t-shirt which had some gaps in the fabric and some grey cotton trousers which clungtightly to her thighs but fell straight down over her calves.

Nice.

She pulled a face of disbelief.

No, it looks good on you.

Thanks.

She took her place on the bed, crossing her legs and resting her hands o her bare ankles.


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What was all that for? I asked her. She didnt smell bad before.

Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out. I already knew that.

Oh. Why?

Apparently I look a little overexcited. I lifted her face and looked at her eyes.

You look very warm, actually. I replied to her, putting my cheek against hers and enjoyingthe heat seeping through my skin. Mmmmm I sighed in enjoyment.

It seems to bemuch easier for you, now, to be close to me.

Does it seem that way to you? I asked, nuzzling into her neck, my nose squishing slightlyagainst her jaw, I moved her hair out of my face as my lips rested on the side of her neck,

beneath her ear and breathed in her burning scent.

Much, much easier. She continued, her voice sounding strained.

Hmm. I was struggling to reply to her, my body overcome by the warmth and comfort of hers. I ran my fingers over her collar bone, they tingled from the excitement.

So I was wondering She didnt finish, her breath had caught in her throat, similar to whatI was feeling. I pushed my next word out with such difficulty that it was almost a whisper.

Yes?

Why is that, do you think?

I laughed a bit, Mind over matter.

She pulled back suddenly, but my head slipped down her neck and found itself nestled veryclose to her breast. I pulled away sharply and her soft eyes penetrated mine causing my bodyto tense, stopping my breath. The multitude of ideas that ran through my mind now wasimmense. I wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to pull her close to me. I wanted to see her, all of her. The clothes which hung loosely from her body dissatisfied me, they didnt do her justice.She looked amazing, she felt amazing. I wanted to be pressed close against her. I needed agood beating, thats what I needed. I had to be cautious; I could not allow my mind stretchlike this.

Did I do something wrong?

No the opposite. You're driving me crazy. She replied. I'm driving her crazy? Really ? Ismiled. I was glad to make her feel even a fraction of what she did to me.

Would you like a round of applause?

Im just pleasantly surprised; in the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything likethis. I didnt believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be within another way than my

brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though its all new to me, that I'm good at itat


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being with you Again I couldnt finish; the overwhelming desire for her overpowered metoo much.

You're good at everything. She argued and I shrugged, again she asked me why it wassuddenly so easy compared to earlier that day.

Its not easy, but this afternoon, I was still I searched frantically for a word, undecided.I am sorry about that; it was unforgivable for me to behave so.

Not unforgivable.

Thank you. You see, I wasnt sure if I was strong enough I took her hand in mine and pressed it to my face to show her, breathing in the burning sensation as I spoke. And whilethere was still a possibility that I might beovercome, I wassusceptible. Until I made upmy mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I wouldthat Iever could The words just wouldnt form in my mouth; I didnt want to think about it. Ididnt want her to hear it.

So theres no possibility now?

Mind over matter.

Wow that was easy. It sounded as though she was mocking me, as though I had taken toolong. I laughed.

Easy for you! I pushed on her nose like a button. Im trying. If it gets to betoo much,I'm fairly sure Ill be able to leave. I finished sadly, if I ran fast and far away enough, for long enough it was possible. And it will be harder tomorrow, I've had the scent of you in myhead all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitised. If I'm away from you for any length of time, Ill have to start all over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think.

Dont go away, then. She pleaded, a soft pain resonating in her voice. I smiled.

That suits me. Bring on the shackles I'm your prisoner. I said laughing.

You seem moreoptimistic than usual. I havent seen you like this before.

Isnt it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that. Its incredible, isnt it,the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencingit?

Very different, more forceful than Id imagined.

For example, I began, thinking of Mike, the emotion of jealousy. Ive read about it ahundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I

believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked meDo you remember the dayMike asked you to the dance? I asked her, my stomach growling as I remembered it.

The day you started talking to me again. Ah, so she had noticed.


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I was surprised by the flare of the resentment, almost fury, that I felt I didnt recognisewhat it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldnt know what youwere thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for our friends sake? Was there someoneelse? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line startedforming. I laughed as I remembered her angry face in my rear-view mirror. I waited,unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, watching the annoyance on your

face. But I couldnt be sure.

That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with thechasm between what I knew was right , moral, ethical, and what I wanted . I knew that if Icontinued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, thatsomeday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.

And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name. I remembered it as I spoke. Youspoke so clearly, at first I thought youd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbledmy name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving,staggering. And I knew I couldnt ignore you any longer. I remembered how my heart hadsuddenly felt like it was alive again, like it could burst through my chest. I felt like I wasdrowning in my own emotions, I couldnt ever explain to myself, nor anyone else for thatmatter, why I felt so smothered. It felt as though my own skin had warmed and I had returnedto a human state just from the sound of my name on her lips. Even now, when she spoke myname, I still found myself drowning. Bellas heart was beating hard, skipping every now andagain.

But jealousyits a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. Andirrational! I exclaimed. Just now when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton Ishook my head, unable to continue, feeling the growl in my chest bubble to my throat. Iswallowed it.

I should have known youd be listening.

Of course.

T hat made you feel jealous, though, really?

Im new at this; youre resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger becauseits fresh.

But honestly, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie Rosalie, theincarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie was meant for you. Emmet or no Emmet, how can Icompete with that? I knew her opinion of Rosalie would eventually overcome her. When we

were in the car, she had taken it so well that I had thought she was OK.

Theres no competition. I promised her, pulling her close to my chest.

I know theres no competition, thats the problem. She argued, her voice muffled.

Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasnt like a sister to me, even if Emmet didnt belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of theattraction you hold for me. For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, not realising


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what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you werent alive yet.

It hardly seems fair. I havent had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?

Your right, I should make this harder for you, defiantly. I replied, amused, before freeingone hand to stroke her hair. You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me,

thats surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanitywhats thatworth? She was wrong, I was the one who had it easy.

Very little I dont feel deprived of anything.

Not yet. I muttered. I held her tight, hoping that she would never let go.

What She was about to ask me something, but Charlies voice in my head made me alert.I sped across her floor and hid in her cupboard. I suppose she could have just dried her hair and got redressed, I should at least check, so that I know one way or the other.

Lie down! I whispered, loud enough so that Bella would hear. I watched her as shescrambled under her duvet into a small ball, she tried to breath evenly, a little too loud asCharlie opened the door in his chequered pyjama shirt and some mismatched lounge pants.Bella rolled over onto her back, with a small groan, which almost had me laughing. Charliedidnt believe it either, he stood there a bit, waiting for her to crack, and then decided he wasreading too much into it. Then he left, returning to his room.

I stepped out over to Bella and wrapped myself around her as I climbed into bed with her, myheart striving to beat and my body striving to sweat as my nerves prickled and pulled her close.

Youre a terrible actress Id say that career path is out for you.

Darn it.

Being this close to her, in her warmth, drowning in the sounds of her heartbeat and wantingto press myself more firmly against her and breathing in her scent, reminded me of the song Ihad written for her. I began to hum it to myself before stopping to whisper in her ear.

Should I sing you to sleep?

RightLike I could sleep with you here! She laughed.

You do it all the time. I replied, chuckling.

But I didnt know you were here. She protested.

So if you dont want to sleep I stopped. The first thought in my head had been innocentenough, but as the words formed on my lips, a stream of images I had acquired from her friends had run through my head, throwing me off course again. Bella had noticed.

If I dont want to sleep? I chuckled.


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What do you want to do then? I decided to ask her, rather than leaving my mouth to motor off on its own little imaginative tangent.

I'm not sure. She answered after some time.

Tell me when you decide. I returned to her jaw, my nose sliding down her soft skin,

breathing in her flavour, her taste, hoping that the burning sensation and my overwhelmingemoti

a randoms midnight sun

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