Revelations - 13

Contemplating the conundrum of how to stay in one place while I drove around aimlessly wasn't particularly helpful, yet I didn't want to go home. I was stalling, waiting as long as I could before walking into the arguments that I was sure to be the center of when I got home.

They all knew now that Bella had found out the truth.

I suppose it could look cowardly of me to postpone my inevitable return home. Perhaps the fact that I didn't care if Rosalie trashed my Vantage meant that my mental health was in question, but in truth, I was just tired of fighting. I didn't want to listen to their thoughts, annoyances, accusations, or worry. Ever since I met Bella I'd been in a civil war. Almost entirely an internal war, and I was both the enemy and the ally.

This mental exhaustion was beyond anything I'd ever experienced as a vampire. It didn't seem possible, yet I couldn't escape the feeling. There was no alternative besides this. The war might never end and I would have to learn to live with that.

Regardless, I couldn't stay away all evening.

I turned the car around and drove quickly home to make my nightly appearance, knowing that soon I would leave again, to take solace in Bella's dreams. Although a part of me still felt voyeuristic, I couldn't find any other moment of rest, other than when I watched her sleep. Besides, staying away wasn't possible.

I was a sick twisted infatuated vampire, trying not to annihilate my reason for existing while I watched her sleep, and telling myself that I was there to 'protect' her.

I shook my head in disgust, and as I got closer to the turn off, I caught the tone of each of my family members minds, divided all because of me.

"Rose… Babe, she had to figure it out sometime. It won't help wrecking the car."

"I'm not wrecking it, Emmett. I'm just taking what is mine." The jerk would deserve it even if I did wreck his precious car.

I moved my attention to Esme's mind as she was looking out the back window toward the garage where Rosalie was disassembling my Aston Martin. Poor boy. Going through all that he has and Rose has to do this. "Alice?" Esme said aloud, "are you sure we shouldn't… intervene?"

Alice shook her head. "Trust me. Our lives will be easier if we leave her alone right now." Alice didn't bring to mind what vision had made her assure everyone that letting Rosalie disassemble my car was the best outlet for her anger, but I did see her newest vision. Rosalie ignoring me. I could live with that. That, in itself, was almost worth losing my car. I could always buy a new sports car, and it wasn't like I had a chance to use it much.

He deserves better than that. He's trying so hard. Esme thought, but Rosalie wasn't ruining it. No, she was just taking it apart piece by piece to get to the tiny oil pressure sending unit that I'd let her replace 5 years earlier. Parts of, not only the engine, but the interior, hood, seats, tires, and anything that could be removed without damage were scattered over the lawn.

It was a depressing sight.

Though Rosalie's voice was even as she answered Emmett's questions, she was still angry. Her thoughts were smug through the anger and somewhat victorious as she took back what was hers in the most inconvenient way possible. Self-centered as always, I tried to ignore what was happening outside and listened to the more important discussion indoors.

Jasper's unsaid thoughts where angry as well. And Edward thought Emmett and I were reckless. How long do we let her stay human when she knows too much as it is? I'd known how upset Jasper

and Rosalie would be when they knew that Bella had found out, but it was too late to give them the prepared speech I'd come up with.

I was surprised when I realized that Jasper was preparing his own speech. It wasn't like him to bring a topic of argument up. I was suddenly apprehensive and sped up as I followed the winding driveway.

"Every moment she spends with him puts us at risk, Carlisle," Jasper said aloud. "They have been seen together, and if this ends badly there are sure to be questions." His thoughts were calculating and logical, but he mainly felt protective of Alice. Worrying about her sadness if her new best friend died before she even got to be introduced.

"You see!" Rosalie screeched from the backyard as she tossed another screw into the grass. "We should have dealt with her when we had the chance!" She'd heard Jasper of course and her mental insults were punctuated with a clank as she tossed the muffler onto the hood of my Vantage that was only a few feet away from the river bank.

Esme watched Rosalie's progress in disbelief, as I speed up to the house.

"That wouldn't have helped, Rosalie," Carlisle assured her evenly, speaking just loud enough so she could hear him. "He's falling in love with her just as Alice predicted, and Bella would have had to find out the truth at some point."

"I wasn't referring to killing her, but you must see, Carlisle," Jasper went on, "That he is not strong enough to change her. If he tried, he would fail and she must be changed soon. It is the safest way to proceed." Leave no evidence.

That was why Jasper was arguing with Carlisle. He was trying to convince Carlisle to turn her.

I remembered the vision of Bella, pale with red eyes again. Her expression fathomless, forced into a soulless existence because of my own stupidity.

"NO!" I shouted. He wouldn't do it, I couldn't let anyone do that to her. I stopped the car in front of the house, jumped out, and raced inside.

Carlisle heard me coming and knew that I'd caught the last part of their conversation. He held his hand up to me, his face was full of concern. I saw my own panicked expression reflected in his eyes. Let me finish speaking, Edward. He thought quickly and then said, "Bella's transformation is between Edward and herself. We have no right to force either him or her to make that decision."

I felt easier at his words, but the tension did not leave my limbs.

Calm down, Edward, Jasper thought as he sensed the anxiety rolling off of me, You must see that it's the easiest way.

"Easiest for who?" I looked at him pointedly. "You can keep your distance. I'm not going to take her life away just for convenience."

Jasper turned to Alice and asked, "What is the likely-hood of Bella surviving Saturday?"

"Hopefully, not much," Rosalie muttered as she tossed a wrench to Emmett.

"Rosalie…" Esme said sternly, turning back to look through the window, "I don't want to hear any more from you. You're getting your part back and after this you won't say another word about Edward or Bella."

Rosalie nodded, and didn't say anything more, but I knew she'd prefer Bella's death than have her join our family at this moment in time. Her reasoning was utterly ridiculous though and I brushed her thoughts away like the toothless insults that they were.

Alice glared toward Rosalie for a moment before her eyes glazed over as she concentrated. I saw in her mind again the meadow with Bella looking at me and sunshine on us both. Rainbows danced across her face, her eyes were deep pools of wonder, then the vision was hazier, more blurry. It was hard to see it clearly, but I was almost sure that in the vision my ear was pressed to Bella's heart. I gasped, how could I be so close to her? Was that right? The possible futures blurred through Alice's mind, my reaction effecting them.

But I couldn't be sure of what I'd seen. Could that really be a possibility? I was suddenly elated and equally devastated, because I wasn't strong enough. The blurry futures so jumbled by my own insecurity showed the possibility of her death as well. One minute I'm close to her and the next she's lifeless, broken in my arms.

No, that wouldn't happen. I shook my head, the internal war raged on and I saw the visions again swirling in Alice's mind, now Bella was leaning against me. Like a bird trapped in the claws of a tiger, I told myself.

I couldn't speak.

Carlisle and Esme watched me curiously, puzzling over the conflicting expressions that played across my face.

Jasper was weighing Alice's feelings of growing confidence, as well as sensing my own conflict while the visions played out.

When Alice looked at Jasper again she said, "There's still a chance of course, but Edward is getting more sure that he won't hurt her. The odds are definitely better. Maybe 70/30 that she lives."

I groaned, that wasn't good enough.

She looked at me and silently apologized. I'm sorry about earlier. I freaked out, but it's changing all the time. I don't think you will hurt her. You must be doing something right.

Yes, the thing that I was doing right was attempting to make no mistakes. The only problem is knowing what things are mistakes. I thought of earlier today when I'd touched her face. Even the memory made my hand tingle, that had been a mistake, so how could the visions Alice had just had of my being close to her not be mistakes too?

I was suddenly aware of Esme's beaming face. Can it be? Esme thought, It will work out…I'm so glad. What a sweet girl she must be… She still wants to spend time with him… of course she would.

Half of myself rejoiced along with Esme and the other half as always tried to explain why it was so wrong. I read my own euphoric and despairing feelings in Jasper's mind as he thought of is own confidence in Alice, but he knew as well as I did how quickly the future could change from one snap decision. And that's what the problem was.

"Is her smell less appealing to you then?" Carlisle asked, curious as usual. Or have you simply gained more strength by resisting?

"No," I admitted feeling ashamed again, "But I have noticed that it's easier to resist and ignore my instincts when I'm around her often."

Ah, of course. Carlisle nodded. Just as I learned to resist.

I wanted to roll my eyes, but didn't want to be rude. What he'd learned to endure was far beyond what I was capable of, but it did give me hope.

Emmett entered the room just then, since, apparently, Rosalie was finished using him as a tool rack. "Hey, sorry about the car, Edward," he said quietly. I'll help you put it back together if you want. He told me in his mind so that Rosalie wouldn't hear his promise. Or I could get you a Vanquish. The top speed is one-ninety. He grinned at the thought of an even more powerful sports car. Only, don't tell Rose it was my idea.

"Don't worry about it." I shrugged, answering all his thoughts at once. A disassembled car was the least of my worries at the moment. Perhaps I'd donate the parts to some college or trade school and give the mechanic students something memorable to put together. And a new faster car wouldn't do me much good when Bella could barely stand it when I drove at a hundred. I wanted to have her with me more than I wanted another toy.

Alice smiled and waved her tiny hand at me. "So if you don't care about the car and Bella's safer the more you get used to her, then what are you doing here? You'd better go get used to Bella some more." The sooner you gain some confidence the sooner I'll get to talk to her!

Emmett chuckled. Self-torture… yep… just like a mad-man.

This is wonderful…Perhaps a new car for a wedding gift…

"What?" I said involuntarily, my progress to the door halted immediately. Esme's forward thinking was a little too much for me.

"Oh, sorry… I'd talked to Alice before, and… it's a possibility," she said sheepishly.

"Alice…." I said tentatively, not sure if I should be angry or not, knowing how she couldn't seem to help herself from getting caught up in visions of the future.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Alice waved at me again, guessing what Esme must have thought about. She danced to my side, pushing me back toward the door. "You just go and smell Bella some more for me and everything will be fine, you'll see." Her tinkling laughter mixed in with her words.

Hey, whatever floats your boat. Emmett was chuckling at his interpretation of what our unexplained conversation could have meant and at my expression as Alice shoved me. My shoes were slippery enough on the hard floor that I was sliding slowly backwards, my body was still ridged from the shock of Esme's thoughts.

I stared into the faces of my family for a moment- all but Rosalie of course who was very pointedly trying not to think about me as she put her tools away. The doubts and fears and pride and confidence and humor in their varied minds, just compounded my own internal struggle. Yet, I knew where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.

Carlisle smiled at the indecision on my face. His thoughts were only slightly concerned, wanting me to be happy, but he simply said, "Go to her."

It was the only thing I needed to hear right then. Turning, I raced out the door. Before I'd made it to the bottom of the stairs, however, I heard them making bets for Saturday on if I'd bring Bella back alive or not. I groaned inwardly.

No mistakes. I vowed again.

As I moved through the damp wood, I wondered how it was possible that each night when I ran away from my family and all that was familiar, every step closer to Bella felt more like home. The magnetic pull, growing stronger just as I'd sensed before, was equally frightening as it was wonderful.

She was already asleep when I reached her house and I quickly moved from the shadows of the forest, climbing up to her window and inside her room noiselessly.

There was something wrong tonight. Though her face remained calm, not a single worried line taking away any of the peace from her face, she was obviously restless. She tossed and turned, and several times she startled herself awake, though her eyes didn't ever stay open long enough to focus on anything around her. Her sleep was so important to her health and it bothered me that I couldn't do anything to help her sleep.

I kept a careful distance, knowing it was wise, but struggling with every thought I had of how to calm her. Each thing that I came up with, stroking her hair, singing to her, all were tainted by who I am. She would recoil at my touch, or anything I did would shock her awake. Finally, after too many hours of tossing, Bella fell into a deeper, dream filled sleep.

Looking again at the stack of books near her bed, I finally felt brave enough to move closer to see them, or perhaps my curiosity was finally too much to handle. I held my breath and forced myself to only look at the books and not at her as I bent to retrieve the stack. I felt an odd relief as I held the tattered books that I'd been eyeing for so long. Before I was overcome with the desire to move even closer to her, I swiftly carried the books to the rocking chair and then allowed myself to breathe and look at her again. She was still deeply asleep, her tangled hair was the only evidence of how she'd tossed previously.

Her scent hit me again as I let myself breathe, but it was becoming more tolerable. The pain scorched my throat, I had the stack of books to distract me. Emmett was probably right. It was insanity to put myself in this fire every night, trying to desensitize myself, yet what was the alternative? The more I burned, the safer Bella would be. Many people would have thought the same of Carlisle when he began practicing medicine, and I forced myself to remember that hope.

What was she interested in? Whuthering Heights, Shakespeare, and the complete works of Jane Austin, the same worn copy that I'd seen her reading before. These three were all at the top of the stack and seemed the most used. Under them, I was surprised to see Sophie's world - a novel of the history of philosophy. It looked almost new compared to the other books, and I was surprised that had a book that I'd never even heard of. I decided I'd have to read it some other night while I watched over her sleep.

What other books were in her head? A poetry collection of Emily Dickinson and Tennyson. These I knew well, and as I gazed at her hair tangled across her pillow and, as I thought of the Lullaby that she'd inspired, I remembered a line from Tennyson. There is sweet music here, that softer falls than petals from blown roses on the grass, or night-dews on still waters between walls of shadowy granite, in a gleaming pass. I closed my eyes and thought of the meadow I was going to take her too and of Alice's most recent vision, blurry though it was. I inhaled deeply, willing myself to grow stronger, more accustomed to her scent.

After I finished looking at all the other titles and took note of their variety, I carefully placed the stack back on the floor by her bed exactly as I'd found them. Then I walked around to her nightstand to look at the stack of CD's.

I was closer to her now than I'd ever allowed myself to be during my nightly visits. She was on her side facing toward the nightstand, and the urge to touch her face, as I had done only once before, felt overwhelming. My hand tingled again and I moved quickly back to the rocking chair before I could read the titles on the CD cases.

No mistakes.

I couldn't touch her now and risk her waking up. I would just have to be patient and go very, very slowly. Losing control even if it was just wanting to be closer to her wasn't acceptable, and I knew I needed more practice being near her. If being close to her wasn't a mistake in itself.

Why did love have to be so complicated?

Knowing what her favorite music is will just have to wait for my questions tomorrow. I smiled at the thought of finally being able to ask her all the questions that had been burning in my mind.

For the rest of the night I sat in the rocking chair and compiled my list so that I'd be ready when I picked her up for school. The real question that I always had in the back of my mind I wouldn't be able to just ask her. Knowing how she thought, the tone of the voice in her head, was probably something I could never experience, but perhaps I could somehow ask enough specific questions to piece together what her mind might sound like.

If only I could hear it myself.

How many minds did I wish I could block out forever and the one person that I would give anything to just get a glimpse into the inner workings of her mind was, apparently, forever barred from me.

Some people thought in linier ways, and other people thought disjointedly or like they were finding their way through a maze. I wondered how her mind worked, trying to imagine the sound. Would her minds voice sound like? Her speaking voice? She always said so little in school and yet her expressions said so much more than her mouth, and whenever she did speak it seemed that everything she said surprised me. What was her process of thought?

The night passed quickly as I mused and thought of ways to encourage her to speak her mind. I was ecstatic when the morning light filtered through the fog, brightening her room. Once I heard Charlie stir, I knew it was time to leave her side.

I ran home, changed, and quickly drove my car back to Bella's house, arriving just as Charlie was heading out the front door. I waited where he wouldn't notice me, until he drove out of sight and parked where the cruiser had been.

I saw Bella sneak a peak out her window, and laughed at the surprised look on her face. Hadn't she figured out by now that I was unable to stay away from her? I thought about knocking on her door so I could properly escort her to the car, but also didn't want to rush her if she wasn't ready yet. After all, she'd still been in bed just a short time ago.

Before I had time to wonder what the proper etiquette for our newfound situation was, Bella was shutting the door and making her way to the car, while I tried to remind myself to tone down my enthusiasm and ordered my list of questions with the easiest ones first.

She paused before opening the passenger door. It reminded me of how I'd scared her yesterday when she asked why she couldn't see me hunt, but today was my turn for questions and I was going to make her feel as safe as possible.

"Good morning," I said, my non-scary voice forced, it came easily around her. I smiling at her expression as she took her seat. She was staring at me with those wonder filled eyes again, like she was still waiting for me to disappear. I looked over her face, seeing the tiredness that was inevitable after the way she'd tossed and turned last night, "How are you today?" I added.

"Good, thank you," she said, and her face brightened as she smiled at me.

I was worried about the circles under her eyes. I wished I could help her sleep more soundly, wondering again if singing the song that she'd inspired would help. But, she'd have to know that I was there, and it seemed unlikely that she'd appreciate my nightly vigilance. No matter how often I heard her say my name as she slept, I couldn't believe she'd actually appreciate the idea of me watching her each night. I stared at the circles under her eyes again and wondered what she had dreamed of that kept her from sleeping deeply. Maybe the dreams of me weren't exactly peaceful ones.

"You look tired," I said, and quickly started trying to count the actual number of hours since she'd calmed down. The time I spent with her always flew by in such a blur, it was hard to determine. Not enough for her to feel awake and refreshed.

"I couldn't sleep," she admitted, shifting her hair over her shoulder as she usually did when she didn't want me to see her face.

"Neither could I," I said, unable to resist, and trying to make her feel more comfortable. As strange as it was getting used to the idea that Bella wasn't bothered by the realities of my life, in truth, it was nice being able to be so honest with her.

"I guess that's right," she laughed. "I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

"I'd wager you did."

"So what did you do last night?" she asked.

"Not a chance," I told her with a quiet laugh. "It's my day to ask questions."

"Oh, that's right," she said in a tone that made me think she wished I'd forgotten. "What do you want to know?"

What didn't I want to know… So much about her was a mystery to me.

"What's your favorite color?" I asked, starting with the easy questions but intensely interested at every detail that made her unique.

"It changes from day to day," she shrugged, not taking the question seriously I guessed.

"What's your favorite color today?"

"Probably brown," she answered, glancing down at her sweater. Did she only say that because she happened to be wearing that color today?

"Brown?" I snorted, this wasn't going to work if she didn't answer my questions seriously.

"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown – tree trunks, rocks, dirt – is all covered up with squashy green stuff here." Her face had pulled together into an almost scowl with the pucker between her eye-brows appearing again.

I was wrong. She was taking my question seriously, but even the answer to a simple question like what her favorite color was surprised me. Her reactions were always so fascinating. I stared into the pool of her deep brown eyes, filled with sincerity, and agreed with her. Brown was the most beautiful color I'd ever seen. I was struck by how everything about her was warm and trusting, and in that instant I understood her answer.

"You're right. Brown is warm," I said, and without thinking I lifted my hand and brushed her chestnut hair back behind her shoulder. It felt like silk threads between my fingers. I had to force myself to put my hand back on the steering wheel, gripping it tightly. I wasn't following my no mistakes rule as well as I should.

When we pulled up to the school I quickly thought through the next section of my questions, and still plagued by the mystery of what the stack of CD's by her bed consisted of, I started with that.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" I asked, remembering the empty jewel case at the top of the stack.

"Linkin Park," she said, smiling in such a way that I knew there must be a story behind it. I grinned at her in return, reaching to pull my own copy out to show her. It was always nice when I learned something else we had in common.

"Debussy to this?" I asked skeptically, hoping she'd explain what the look had meant. Instead, she just stared at the CD and shrugged.

Sensing she still wasn't truly at ease talking about herself with me, I exited the car and walked around to open her door for her. But again, the slow pace I was forced to move at in the crowded parking lot prevented me from reaching her door before she opened it herself. I contented myself with walking close to her, but kept my hands in my pockets so I wouldn't be tempted to take her hand in mine as I wanted to do.

Before she had time to speak I started questioning her again. Mainly just going through the questions about her favorite things.

"What's your favorite season?"

"In Phoenix, fall. In Forks, summer."

I could understand that, she loved the sun and warmth, but apparently not the hottest time in Phoenix.

"Favorite breakfast food?"

"Eggs."

"Why?" Perhaps it was a dumb question, but I wanted to know.

"They're cheep and fill me up more than pop tarts."

"Do you have them often?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I'm generally running late."

"Do you like them scrambled?"

"Not as much as fried, but I'm not very good at making them that way."

"Sunny-side-up?"

"Eww. No."

I chuckled quietly. What was it with humans and how their eggs were cooked? And why did this small detail about her fascinate me so much?

"What's your favorite household chore?"

"Cooking, I guess. I almost always cooked for my Mom." She made a slight face at that and I wondered why. "Charlie's a terrible cook."

"Why did you cook for your mom?"

"Well, she liked to experiment in the kitchen and it didn't always turn out so good."

"You don't experiment?"

"I do actually, but I tend to put things together that were actually meant to be together." Her expression turned bemused and she smiled up at the ceiling and I held the door of the school open for her.

"What are you thinking? You looked like you were remembering something just then." How I wished I could see that memory too.

"Oh, well… I was just thinking about the time my mother put cumin and cloves in the spaghetti sauce." She glanced at my blank expression, but I asked the follow-up question before she could say more.

"What are they supposed to go in?"

"Usually cumin goes in chili, or something, and cloves goes in pies or cookies." She looked up at me and smiled. "It was a little weird to say the least."

I couldn't remember much about the taste of food and wondered at the skill that she had. Perhaps I could learn to recognize the proper combinations of ingredients by their smell even if it wasn't appealing to me? I was suddenly sad, only because I could never properly experience anything that she prepared.

"What is your least favorite chore?" I continued quickly, hiding my sudden despondency.

"Well, folding clothes is like torture, so probably that." She chuckled softly, and I gladly thought of how quickly I could do that job for her, but perhaps she'd think it was too personal a thing for me to help with. I wondered if I could fold clothes without her knowing it. Maybe while she slept? She might just think that Charlie had done it. I didn't want to offend her though, or give away my uninvited presence in her house at night. I shook my head, picturing myself as not only the guarding vampire but the helpful elf.

I was pathetic.

After a few more random questions, I had to leave her at her first class and walk the opposite direction to my own classroom. I thought about ditching. It wasn't like I was learning anything in my classes anyway, but contented myself to simply being right at her classroom door when she came back out so I wouldn't lose any time for my next round of questions.

"What was the last book that you read before moving to Forks?"

She paused briefly before answering. "Gone With the Wind. I finished it on the trip up here."

"Why did you start reading it?" I wondered if it was some school assignment or if she chose to read it voluntarily.

"My mom always wanted to read it, but never got more than half way through. She ended up just watching the movie, but I wondered if the book was any better than the movie was."

"Did you like the book more than the movie?"

"No, they were pretty similar, but when I read the book I understood the characters more than just watching the movie."

"Which part of the story did you appreciate the most," I asked, thinking of the beginning of the story and how innocent their lives were before the war.

"The ending."

I looked at her in surprise wondering how she could think that. I'd always thought it was so depressing.

She answered my unspoken question before I could ask it. "When she's begging Rhett to stay she's finally realized what she had all along. She had the pot of gold and coveted the pot of bronze, but didn't know till the end."

"But he doesn't believe that she's sincere and he leaves. The story ends with her alone." How could she appreciate an ending like that? She was such an unusual girl. Didn't most girls adore happy endings above all else?

"It's a good ending because even though it's sad and ironic she doesn't feel defeated. She cries at first but then she just knows she can win him back because she's Scarlett O'Hara and can just think about it tomorrow, like it's a challenge to her."

"Because she can endure anything?" I guessed, wondering what it was about the character that appealed to her.

"Yes… in a way, but at the end she has nothing left to prove to herself because she's proven over and over again that nothing will stand in her way. She knows that and is stronger by all that she went through. So, it's not just endurance, she knows she can overcome things."

At that point I had to leave her at her next class and go to my own again. I still couldn't believe that each moment she could surprise me more, and we'd only talked about one book.

I never could understand Scarlett O'Hara's appeal, she'd always reminded me too much of Rosalie, self-absorbed and grasping for more. Yet, Bella was able to see something else in the character that I'd never considered. Maybe the appeal to Bella was the strength that she perceived in the character. Bella always seemed so frail and so helpless, and she was physically more frail than other humans, but I remembered the look of fierce determination when she was about to be attacked in Port Angeles. I realized suddenly that her strength of spirit was infinitely more substantial than I'd considered before.

In between each of our classes I continued to ask her questions about the books that she'd read. Each answer seemed to give me more hints into her character, and though it did reveal more about her in some ways, it only made me see just how much I still didn't understand.

When we got to talking about Sense and Sensibility, for instance, she explained how she disliked Marianne at first because she came across as childish and superficial for most of the book and flung herself into her love for Willoughby ignoring the quiet pain of her sister. I could completely agree with this admission, but noted how she said she'd viewed Marianne at first and how she'd described Scarlett.

"You said you disliked her at first, but what about the end?" I asked, wondering as I always did if there was more to her thought process.

"Well, I still didn't like her at the end, but she was the character that I remembered the most." Bella looked down the hall as if she were seeing a different world in her mind than the one around her.

"What did you keep remembering about her?" I couldn't keep from trying to read her mind even though it was useless.

"It was sad because she agreed to a half-life in a way. Her marriage with Colonel Brandon was probably a happy marriage, but she left most of herself behind." Bella's eyes pooled momentarily with unshed tears and I was struck by her tenderness. She obviously felt more deeply than she ever let on. "The real Marianne is gone at the end," Bella went on sadly, "She's more mature by then, but that carefree passion that was so much apart of who she was, burned away through her grief."

The sadness in Bella's eyes struck me. I'd always seen Colonel Brandon and Marianne as a beautiful example of the right kind of love, not just the passionate fiery love, but a love that was alive and healing to both of them. I could see Marianne's sadness, but more than that was the wisdom that she'd gained. I saw the beginning of their love at the end of the book as something that would keep growing, getting better and being better for them rather than just a 'happy marriage.' But Bella hadn't seemed to admire the type of love that Marianne exemplified either. In fact, Bella seemed more reserved and shy, the very opposite of Marianne, yet she obviously felt deeply for her. Even if she said she didn't like the character really.

What did this mean? Did she wish she were more outgoing?

My speculations about how she'd answered each question plagued me as I sat through my classes. Fortunately, none of the teachers felt inclined to call on me and I was free to speculate until I was with Bella again at lunch.

I wanted to talk further about these things, about the characters and my own opinions of them as well. I could have discussed the plot and character qualities of each part from all the books I asked her about, but there would be time later. Right now I needed to just get an overview of as much of her life and opinions as possible.

Unable to get away from the topic of books for a while though I picked another good overview question. "What's the oldest book that you've read?"

"Don Quixote, probably. I didn't finish it though," she said in between bites of her lunch. "Does it still count?"

"Sure it counts, but why didn't you finish it." Sometimes the act of leaving something undone told just as much about a person as finishing it, and she didn't seem like the type of person that would normally abandon anything.

"I thought it was interesting enough, but parts of it were…just… vulgar," She wrinkled her nose like she'd just smelled something terrible, "It got on my nerves."

I laughed and wondered again if she'd ever stop saying things that would surprise me. My reaction must have surprised her too. She looked up quickly when I laughed and choked on a bite of food, blushing deeply.

"Okay, so Don Quixote can be tossed in the loony bin," I said, hoping that she would see that I wasn't laughing at her.

I continued the list of questions each time I walked her to her classes and hardly let her eat as I worked through the list at lunch.

My list didn't seem to get any shorter though as I kept thinking of new questions to ask. We talked about Mrs De Winter in Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca. Bella's combined revulsion in the character and pride that the character had been able to pull off all her deception off was fascinating to me, and this was coming from one who was so bothered by double standards and who had said that she didn't like to lie. It seemed that the only accomplishment I would get from all of these questions was just a deeper fascinating into her personality and the silent workings of her mind.

She began to respond more quickly with her answers as the day progressed without over thinking, but there was the occasional blush after an answer that always lead me to ask more questions. Like when I'd asked her what her favorite gemstone was.

"Topaz," she blurted out and then blushed deeply.

I was about to ask her favorite flower, but I had to find out why she flushed and turned her head away from me. Such strange reactions she had. Why would she blush at such a thing?

I tried the persuasive "Please" that seemed to work so well before, but she wouldn't look at me, finally I reminded her that we were past the evasiveness.

"Tell me," I blurted out, feeling like I'd lose my mind with curiosity, and asking questions was supposed to be helping that!

"It's the color of your eyes today," she said quietly, looking down at a strand of her hair that she was fiddling with. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."

I was speechless for a second and then felt happier than I'd been all day, but I couldn't let that feeling reign in me or take the time to remind myself why she shouldn't know me so well. It was too late for remorse regardless, and I couldn't stop asking her more questions now that I'd started. So when I found my voice again, I just launched into the next round.

I had to stop my quizzing when Mr. Banner came into the Biology lab to set up the boring movie that we'd started the day before. Remembering how hard it had been yesterday, being so close to Bella in the dark, I scooted my chair farther away from her just before Mr. Banner turned out the light.

It didn't help.

That same electric spark was ignited between us. Bella seemed tense as she leaned forward over our table and rested her chin on her folded arms. Her fingertips gripped the edge of the desk. I wondered again what she was thinking, having the answers to some of my questions only made me want to know her even more deeply. She grew more fascinating to me at each passing moment. Even though I still wished I could just read her mind, I realized in that moment that, in some ways, learning about her in this conventional way was more enjoyable. It was like putting puzzle pieces together instead of just seeing the picture. Or perhaps it was more like exploring a maze or a garden. Perhaps exploring a jungle would be a more appropriate description of her thoughts, filled with surprising exotic rarities around every corner.

..Can't believe she likes him. Just look at him stare at her… Disgusting, Freak.

Mike interrupted my thoughts as the movie started, brightening the room slightly. He was thinking daggers at me again, but it didn't matter anymore. I just smiled when I remembered how Bella had chosen me, said "yes" to me, and now I was the one allowed to unlock her secrets. He'd done a pretty poor job of it when he'd had the chance, and his imaginary Bella was not at all like the girl who sat beside me and who I was getting to know.

It was easy to tune him out when I was watching Bella. I wanted to touch her hair, brush it away from her face again so that I could see her eyes. The electricity between us jolted me as I thought of this and I forced my hands to stay in their tight fists.

It would never be enough so don't start. No mistakes. No more mistakes.

I kept telling myself this, thinking of her delicacy, and the more I thought of her in that way the more I wanted to feel her soft skin under my finger tips. I thought of Alice's hazy vision of Bella in the meadow with me so close to her, but I couldn't be sure that's really what I saw. Knowing I wanted to be near to her could effect one of Alice's visions, yet I've already decided not to make any mistakes. Could not touching her be the mistake? But what if I was only thinking that now because I was trying to give myself an excuse to allow a mistake?

Either way I shouldn't touch her now because I'm not sure. It is always better to err on the side of caution. I told myself, yet the more I thought of touching her, the more I really knew I shouldn't and the more I wanted to anyway. I breathed in deeply, focusing on the burning that I felt in my throat to clear my head. It helped only marginally.

When the lights were finally turned back on, Bella sighed. I stood up waiting for her. I couldn't say anything as I walked her to gym. My list of questions disregarded for the moment as I tried to convince myself why I should not allow myself to touch her face again.

It was a good memory, I told myself, but that's all you get.

My finger tips tingled again with that same fire I'd felt before, this same time yesterday, when I allowed myself to touch her face. As we approached the door to the gym I wondered if I'd feel that same fire if her skin touched the back of my hand.

My good sense lost the battle and I reached slowly up to her temple and stroked down to her jaw. I turned, before I could talk myself into anything more than that, and walked away. My entire hand was now on fire and the tingle went part way up my arm.

Emmett saw me then as we walked into Spanish class together. Any new experiments with humans on your mind? He thought, chuckling, as he remembered the little performance we put on yesterday.

"Not today," I said, still thinking about how I should not touch Bella anymore.

Wow. Emmett thought looking at me closely, he looks different.

I saw myself through Emmett's eyesand wondered what he was talking about. "What?" I whispered under my breathe.

You've lost your touch man. I bet you couldn't scare anyone now even if you wanted to. He chuckled again. Seriously, you look like Bambi did when he was in love.

I glared at him.

Oooh, like that look can scare me.

I saw my face through his mind and had to agree with his assessment. He'll be laughing over this for the next decade.

I bet I could beat you in a fight now, even if you did cheat.

Hearing his thoughts wasn't cheating. "Don't count on it." I whispered, smirking at his childish humor.

He just had time to chuckle again before class started and we both had to fain the usual amount of attention.

When I met Bella outside of her Gym class her smile beamed up at me and I grinned back before I launched into my cross-examination again. We'd already made it through over half of the questions that I'd compiled and I began asking her things about her childhood.

"What activities were you interested in when you were younger?"

"I took ballet for awhile, but I was never any good at it. I think Mom was hoping to find something that would help my coordination, but the year I twisted my ankle at the big recital, she decided it was probably a lost cause."

"Anything else?"

"I tried ice skating once."

"And how did that go?"

"She considered putting me back in ballet."

I laughed loudly, and was happy to see her laughing with me. With every question I asked, she grew more and more animated. Perhaps one day I would be able to see a photo album or something form when she was young.

We sat in my car in front of her house while the sudden down pour blurred the scenery outside. I asked about her home in Phoenix and what things she missed. She told me about the scent of creosote, "bitter, slightly resinous, but still pleasant," she'd said. The sound of cicadas in July, how the trees looked feathery in their barrenness, the expansive sky. Why she thought the barren landscape was so beautiful, how each shape and angle of the rocks and spiny vegetation was held in stark beauty by the sun. I was full of wonder with each passing moment as her eyes seemed to light up, as if the sun that she described was shinning from their brown depths. Not even the rain that continued to pour outside the car seemed to dampened her spirits.

When she'd finished describing almost poetically the beauty of the Arizona landscape, I asked her about the house she'd grown up in. She described in detail what her cluttered room looked like, and what books and things she left behind that she wanted to ask her mom to send to her. When she was finished telling me about her mother and how mush she missed her, she looked up at me. I was thinking of all that she'd said and the life she'd left behind. She should go back to that.

"Are you finished?" She probably wondered why I didn't have another question immediately ready, but I didn't have much more time with her.

"Not even close – but your father will be home soon."

"Charlie!" she gasped, then looked around bewildered, like she'd forgotten everything else in the world but us. I knew exactly how she felt. "How late is it?" she asked, and I hated to admit that our day was coming to an end.

"It's twilight," I muttered, realizing that this used to be my favorite time of day. It meant the sun no longer hindered me or my family, and we felt freer somehow. Yet now, with Bella at my side, I found I wanted the day to keep going. She loved the sun and light, and when she was asleep I wouldn't be able to talk with her. Talking to her seemed to be the only thing that mattered in my life now. She was truly changing my perspective.

When I turned, seeing her curiosity, I recognized that earnest desire to know every detail of my world.

"It's the safest time of day for us," I explained. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way...the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"

"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars. Not that you see them here much," she added, and I laughed at the childlike way she nearly pouted. I'd never admit it to her, I didn't want her to think I was patronizing or belittling her, but I couldn't help but find her petulance endearing. The strangest things seemed to irritate her. She'd surprised me once again by her sudden appreciation for the darkness when so much of what she missed was the warmth and sunshine.

"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Saturday..." I suggested, wishing hopefully the she'd help me protect her in some small way.

"Thanks, but no thanks," she said stubbornly, grabbing her books. "So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"

"Certainly not!" I said, feigning shock. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

"What more is there?" she asked, a hint of her earlier nervousness coming back.

"You'll find out tomorrow," I teased, reaching to open her door for her. I was just beginning to enjoy the sound of her heart racing from my close proximity, when something completely unwelcome interrupted it.

This is totally out of line. The treaty should cover this. He shouldn't be here… and with Charlie's daughter…

"Not good," I said under my breath, debating for a moment whether I should whisk Bella away to somewhere she wouldn't have to deal with what was surely coming. Of course, I knew that would only make things worse.

"What is it?" Bella asked worriedly.

I looked toward her and willed myself to remain calm. "Another complication," I said, trying to keep the edge out of my voice.

Wow, awesome car… nothings stock at all on that thing… man I wish I had the money for the part I need.

I quickly opened Bella's door and sat back firmly in my seat, determined to hold my ground steadily with Charlie so near and Billy's son beside him. This was not the time or place for a confrontation.

"Charlie's around the corner," I said to Bella, as I heard his muffled thoughts drawing closer. I was actually more concerned with the other people coming, and assumed they were the Blacks. Jacob did seem to be smitten remembering Bella's attempted flirtation to pump him for information, but I didn't think I needed to worry about him. No, his father was the one wishing that he could interfere in our relationship.

Bella jumped out of the car, and I hated that I had to leave her there. She'd understand soon enough the necessity of it, but it didn't make it any easier to drive away. With a hard pump on the accelerator, I put as much distance between Billy and me as I could. Part of me wanted to stay behind, to make sure Billy didn't do or say anything to upset her, but I knew no good could come of my staying and listening in.

Even after I got home, I was upset with the thoughts that I'd heard in Billy's head. After all, I hadn't broken any treaty, even though Billy's own son did. I hadn't done anything wrong, I hadn't even informed my family about how Bella was told about us. They just thought that she'd figured it out on her own. It irked me that Billy would think this was any of his business.

When I got home I decided to calm my mind at the piano. Much to Esme's delight, I played all of her favorites, as well as the piece Bella had inspired.

Emmett and Jasper were outside wrestling the entire time I was home. Rosalie was with them, watching and giving them pointers, much to their annoyance, I realized with a smile. Alice occasionally thought of her visions of being friends with Bella, but nothing to give me any concern. Thankfully their thoughts and opinions didn't disturb me much, and I let the music surround me until my mind turned to a more pleasant topic.

While I played, I stared at the bottle cap that I'd placed on the piano again and thought through everything that Bella had said. What was it about her that was so compelling? I realized that it was a certain spark, a passion, hidden from the unobservant, but still there, underneath everything that she loved and believed. In some ways she was an odd blend of opposites, yet unlike myself they weren't warring against each other. The unlikely and unique, seemingly opposite things about her that I'd only gotten a glimpse of today, fascinated me more than anything else. The backwards way in which she seemed to think was baffling. She was utterly dissimilar to any other seventeen year old mind that I'd ever known.

Knowing her more fully gave me a small amount of confidence, even through my doubts, to believe that there would not be a time that I would ever hurt her. I'd come to realize that hurting her would be like hurting myself and that was even more true now the more I grew to love her.

I could hurt her accidentally though…The thought tortured me again, but I wouldn't do that if I could keep perfectly controlled around her.

I wondered how likely that was, if that were truly possible. I'd begun to sense so many strange and unexpected feelings around her that I didn't know if I could trust myself. If I did allow myself to touch her again or hold her I'd have to be concentrating the whole time on every side of my nature. Keeping the thirst back and not killing her in that way, and holding her gently enough to not crush her and kill her in that way. Add all that to balancing these new human emotions that I wasn't used to feeling let alone controlling.

If Alice's blurry vision was remotely possible, this was going to take a lot of concentration. I had no way to gauge my reaction to that electricity that always sparked between us when we touched, and I was afraid that it might distract me enough to lose a measure of concentration, and then I could hurt her.

Panic overwhelmed me for an instant as I envisioned her death, that other blurry possible future in the meadow. I couldn't let that happen above all else.

Maybe I should cancel our plans.

Suddenly, Alice interrupted my thoughts. Edward, stop freaking out! Whatever you keep thinking about is messing up this weekend and I wanted to say hi to Bella tomorrow! She frowned at me from across the room. Anyway, you promised I could at least meet her when we leave to go hunting after lunch.

I sighed, realizing it wasn't helping anything to perpetuate these thoughts of indecision. I had decided today that I would ask Alice to go hunting with me tomorrow, but hadn't promised that she could officially meet Bella. She had not only seen the vision of me asking for her to join me but apparently had seen an unsaid promise too, and I let it go, nodding at Alice.

I'll take her to my meadow on Saturday as we planned. I thought firmly. Alice smiled then and turned back to her computer.I couldn't help smiling too. She could be extremely irritating, just like any little sister, but the camaraderie we shared always squelched any anger that I felt toward her.

Bella was counting on our time together regardless, and at any other place I wouldn't be able to stand in the sun with her. If I didn't keep her with me she would probably go to Seattle like she'd originally planned and the inevitable catastrophe waiting for her wherever she went was a given. At least if I kept her with me I was the one in control of her safety rather than some uncaring fate. I could stand in the sun with her in two days and she would see me for what I am.

And she would finally run, screaming at my alienness.

How could I delude myself by thinking otherwise? Really, what good was it to be so concerned with being able to hold her or not when she wouldn't want that after seeing me anyway?

It's bound to happen at some point.

If it were possible to walk on the edge of this painful blade without falling into either chasm of her death or the death of her soul, she would still be giving up too much by loving me. Our time together was numbered no matter how I looked at it.

Especially after learning so much about her today, I knew that she deserved far more than anything I could give her. But she needed to know why she shouldn't love me, and I wondered if seeing me in the sun, seeing how utterly different we are would convince her why she should run.

I would let her go, but how will I survive if she leaves me?

Balancing- 14

I timed my arrival to Bella's house the same as yesterday, parking immediately after Charlie was gone. Bella came out of the house and walked straight to the passenger side and jumped in. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face when she was near me.

"How did you sleep?"

"Fine. How was your night?"

My smile widened as I remembered how I'd watched her sleeping peacefully and how I'd heard my name cross her lips more than once. "Pleasant."

"Can I ask what you did?" She sounded like she knew I was keeping something from her. Or maybe that was just my guilty conscious.

"No." I was glad I still had a good excuse. "Today is still mine," I reminded her, unable to hold back the satisfied smile that spread across my face.

We were far enough down the list to the part where I had sectioned out questions about the people in her life. I had more questions about her Mom and what they did together. Other relatives and school friends, what she missed about them and what she didn't miss.

By lunch, she was no longer showing any signs of embarrassment as I pressed for more details, and I felt a sudden bout of confidence, finally asking the question I'd been the most interested in.

"What about old boyfriends?" I asked as casually as I could manage. "Did you leave any broken hearts behind when you left?"

Her face turned red, and I wondered if perhaps she was about to tell me something I didn't really want to hear. After all, I was still getting used to the feeling of jealousy. I tried to keep my expression relaxed as I waited for her answer.

"Not really," she finally said, though she was still blushing. "I mean, no one showed me much attention, which was pretty much how I wanted it. I guess I had a crush or two growing up, but I never felt compelled to do anything about it."

"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked, watching her face closely. Why would she blush so much if that were really the case?

"Not in Phoenix," she replied firmly, her eyes staring unblinkingly into mine.

Ah, she wasn't blushing about the past, and I again wasn't sure quite how to handle her assurtion. Caught again between what I wanted and what I kept telling myself I should want, I wasn't sure what to say. To have her so often admitting that she wanted me when I knew that I was the last person she should be around was at once frustrating and oddly…gratifying. I desperately desired to give her anything and everything she wanted, yet the only thing she seemed to want was to spend time with the one person she shouldn't be with. It was the world's most ironic paradox.

Edward. Don't forget about her truck. And can't I please talk to her yet? You have to tell her why we are leaving early from school anyway.

Alice's not so subtle commentary, along with a quick smile in my direction, interrupted my thoughts from across the room.

"I should have let you drive yourself today," I said, but knew why I'd intentionally let this dilemma slip my memory.

"Why?" she asked in surprise.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch." Was it wrong for me to conveniently arrainge everything so that I could spend as much time with her as possible?

"Oh," she said, frowning slightly. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."

"I'm not going to make you walk home." I couldn't believe she'd think that I could be so unchivalrous. As I'd surmised before, she was obvious not used to being taken care of. That would be changing for her very soon. "We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

"I don't have a key with me," she sighed sadly. "I really don't mind walking."

Like a little thing as not having a key would stop me. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition – unless you're afraid someone might steal it," I teased, laughing at the thought.

"All right," she said, a hint of defiance in her voice. I could almost hear the challenge as she was obviously trying to figure out what I was up to.

"So where are you going?" she asked when I refused to divulge my secret.

"Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." I wondered if this would make her realize the danger she would be in and change her mind.

"You can always cancel, you know," I felt compelled to add. If she showed even the slightest bit of hesitation, I would not allow myself to go through with our plans.

"No," she said quietly. "I can't."

"Perhaps you're right." It seemed to be too late to back out now, and the war in my mind of right and wrong raged on again as it had since the first moment I was near her.

"What time will I see you tomorrow?" she asked quietly. Her eyes dropped down to the table, and once again her obvious desire to be with me made the one side of my nature euphoric at the realization.

"That depends ... it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?"

"No," she answered quickly, and I tried to hide my smile along with the secret of my nightly vigilence.

"The same time as usual, then. Will Charlie be there?"

"No, he's fishing tomorrow," she said, clearly elated about the fact. I felt my fists clench at the realization that I couldn't even tell myself he was at home waiting for her.

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I pressed. Please, give me something.

"I have no idea," she said casually. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."

She was trying to make light of what I was most fearful of, and I was suddenly infuriated. She really did have no sense of self-preservation at all. It was such a basic survival instinct that I often had felt like there must be something truly wrong with her brain, yet all humans were like this to a degree and I knew now that she was just being stubborn. She met my glare with her own and I knew I would not be able to change her mind about telling Charlie.

"What are you hunting tonight?" she asked calmly after a few moments of our glaring match, obviously in a hurry to remind me how completely normal she found my atrocious existence. I might have thought she was putting on an act for my benefit, but her heartbeat and breathing remained perfectly steady. It was as if she'd simply asked me what I was having for lunch, which was, in fact, the case.

"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going far."

"Why are you going with Alice?"

"Alice is the most...supportive." That was an understatement; she was practically flying out her seat at this very moment as she saw how many minutes it would be before she'd get to be introduced to her future best friend.

"And the others? What are they?"

I tried to think of the nicest possible way to say it.

"Incredulous, for the most part," I sighed, and I saw her glance nervously toward my family.

"They don't like me," she said flatly, and I wondered suddenly why it should bother her to think that a family of vampires didn't care for her.

"That's not it," I said, though it wasn't entirely true. Rosalie had made her opinion very clear. "They don't understand why I can't leave you alone," I added, hoping that would help her understand that it wasn't about her.

"Neither do I, for that matter," she mumbled, the little pucker between her eyebrows appeared again.

I shook my head in disbelief. "I told you: you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

She glared at me, clearly doubting my words. She didn't seem to realize what a great compliment it was for someone who can read minds and has existed for so long to say this about her.

"Having the advantages I do, I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you ... you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise," I said, trying to explain it to her. By the look on her face, I didn't think she could accept the compliment.

Her gaze left mine, her expression turned dismal, and I hoped she didn't think that I found her fascinating just because I couldn't read her mind. What may have started as pure intrigue had quickly grown to admiration and affection, and before I knew what was happening, I'd fallen unwittingly in love with her.

"That part is easy enough to explain," I continued when she still didn't look at me. I had to make her see how extraordinary she was in every way. "But there's more...and it's not so easy to put into words—"

That's it, Edward. I'm done. I just don't have it in me to sit here and listen to your ridiculous lunchtime love confessions...

Rosalie's sharp thoughts broke through my already disjointed speech, and I turned to see her staring directly at Bella. Bella was staring back with wide eyes at Rosalie's hateful glare.

She's not worth it. Look at her, she's the most uninteresting looking human here. And for that we are risking our way of life.

I hissed softly in her direction, and it was enough. Without a glance at me, she turned to Emmett and motioned for them to leave. When I looked back at Bella, her eyes were wide. I could only imagine how much worse it would have been if she'd heard what I'd been forced to hear.

"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see...it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly..." I turned away, ashamed, not wanting to finish the thought.

"If?"

"If this ends...badly." I couldn't bear to look into her eyes any longer. I dropped my head into my hands and let the guilt and the fear wash over me. I should have left, I should have let her hate me from the start. At least then she'd be safe. Though my head was in my hands, I saw her inch her hand toward my hair, and I longed to feel her soothing touch in my miserable moment. I couldn't blame her, though, when she pulled away at the last second. Why would she want to be near me when I had just confessed my family's fears that I would kill her? I was amazed again that she wasn't running for the door.

"And you have to leave now?" she asked.

"Yes," I whispered, chancing a glance at her face. She was looking at me with disappointment – but not fear. She must just be sad that I was leaving and not afraid. Ridiculous, of course, but a part of me was thrilled again at the thought of how she wanted to be with me.

"It's probably for the best," I added, trying to lighten the mood. "We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology— I don't think I could take any more."

Bella jumped when she noticed how Alice suddenly was standing behind me.

"Alice," I acknowledged.

"Edward," she said for Bella's benefit. I knew she was beaming without so much as a glance at her.

I'm here. It would be rude not to introduce us.

"Alice, Bella – Bella, Alice," I said flatly. I couldn't hold off the introduction forever.

There, now that wasn't so bad was it?

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you," she said, and thought. It's about time. I glared at her for one quick moment.

"Hi, Alice," Bella said shyly.

"Are you ready yet?" She said and then thought excitedly. Or can I join you and get to know Bella too?

"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car." She quickly walked away, mentally complaining the whole time about having to wait so long to get to officially meet her best friend and then not even get to talk to her.

I marveled at her unwavering persistence.

Bella looked away from Alice's retreating figure and said, "Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?"

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything." I smiled at her, trying to brighten her mood.

"Have fun, then," but she was obviously trying to sound happier than she felt.

"I'll try." I couldn't stop smiling as I was amazed to realize again how she didn't want me to leave her "And you try to be safe, please."

"Safe in Forks. What a challenge," she muttered sarcastically.

"For you it is a challenge. Promise."

"I promise to try to be safe," she said, placating me. "I'll do the laundry tonight. That ought to be fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in," I teased.

"I'll do my best."

It was clear that we were now simply stalling, so I reluctantly stood up. The sooner I finished hunting, the sooner I could get back to her.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She sounded morose now.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I asked, realizing again how every second away from her felt like an hour. She nodded at this, and I smiled again, gratified in an odd way that she felt pained about our time apart.

"I'll be there in the morning," I said, allowing myself to reach over to her face for only the third time and stroke down her fragile cheek bone. Her eyes sparked at my touch as my fingers tingled from her warmth. I forced myself to turn quickly and walk away.

Once I was out of sight from the school, it didn't take long to run to Bella's house and climb through her window as I always did. The key was easy enough to find. I thought of Bella's incredulous face when I told her not to worry about the key. Everything has a distinct smell, and humans weren't as sensitive to this. It didn't take long to find it in a pocket of a pair of jeans under a pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room.

I chuckled a little when I realized she wasn't kidding about needing to do laundry. I almost felt bad that I'd been keeping her so distracted.

Almost.

I drove her truck back to school and fished a piece of paper out of my pocket. I penned, "Be safe," across it and, as I gently folded my little reminder, wondered if Bella would think me too

pessimistic. It didn't seem likely that anything would happen to her in the few hours I was away, but I hoped that knowing I was thinking of her would make her especially cautious.

It was never difficult to meet up with Alice when she always could see where I'd be going next, so quite soon, we were in the park hunting together. As we caught the scent of a few deer a hundred or so feet away, I made a face at the smell.

She noticed my grimace and turned to me. "You know, I wouldn't have minded if you wanted to go farther for a better variety," she said.

"I know, but I wanted to stay close to home."

Bella's ruined your appetite in more than one way it seems, she thought, laughing at the face I made again.

"Come on Let's get this over with." I rolled my eyes at her and we started to run.

When we were on the way back from hunting, Alice was thinking of Bella and saw that she would take something to make her sleep more deeply than usual. Hey, that's it! She thought excitedly. You can practice being close to her since she took that, and there won't be a chance that you'll wake her up!

"Alice," I said slowly shaking my head while I ran next to her, "It's already wrong for me to be in her room without her knowing I'm there when she's asleep, and now, what? You're saying I should lean over her and smell her so I can tempt myself even more to practice not killing her?"

She shrugged. "Seems logical to me."

I suppose it did, but it still seemed wrong.

Once we got back home, I went straight to Bella's house to watch her sleep again. I couldn't help myself anymore, and after tomorrow she might not want to have anything to do with me. How many minutes did I have left before the running and screaming came? Maybe Alice was right, and I should try and prepare myself more. It was better in this controlled environment and with her lying perfectly still. Charlie was in the next room, and that would remind me to stay grounded. It was right for me to keep her safe by coming nearer to her than I normally would, but first I wanted to do something.

She'd done laundry while I was hunting, and I wondered if she'd left any clean clothes unfolded. I went to the laundry room where I'd found her key earlier and saw two baskets full of clean clothes. One basket was folded, and the other wasn't. I moved quickly even for me, folding all the clothes in the basket in just a few minutes. A chuckle rumbled quietly in my chest as I pictured myself as the helpful vampire -elf and also how Alice had probably laughed at my odd behavior as soon as I thought of doing it.

When I was back in Bella's room, my good mood made it easier to be nearer to her. My helpfulness didn't make my uninvited presence any more acceptable, but it made me feel better. Less guilty.

I did practice some as Alice had suggested, kneeling by Bella's bed. I watched her sleep from a much closer distance than I had before. She barely moved all night, lying on her back with her hair smoothed out across her pillow. One strand of hair slipped down from her pillow, and I leaned closer to look at it. I could see each individual hair and the slight variations in the brown, a slight red shone from one strand, an almost gold seemed to glow in another. The color all together was more lively and glossy than a fresh chestnut. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair. Just once while I was here, I pinched the little gathering of hair that had slipped down her pillow between my fingers and moved it up above her head on her pillow again. I couldn't allow myself more, the overwhelming pull to be closer to her terrified me, and I moved away.

Watching her from my usual spot in the rocking chair, I began to wish that it were possible for me to sleep—not just so that I could be human and not be a continual source of danger to her, but just so that I could dream about her and speak her name in my own sleep.

I left before dawn to run home and give her some time to wake and get ready before I ran back to her house. I changed clothes and cleaned up, only saying a brief good morning to my family before taking off again. My nerves were frayed enough as it was without their dubious, concern, and joyful thoughts hammering in on me from every side.

I left quickly.

The light of morning filtered through the trees as I ran to Bella's house. Since she'd said Charlie would be fishing today, I deduced that he would be long gone by the time I arrived. Not wanting to interrupt her morning routine though, I stood off to one side of the house, just out of sight. I grinned when Bella peeked out the window not once, but twice, each time with increasing excitement. Far too anxious, I found myself knocking at her door a bit before our normal meeting time, but since I knew she was up, I couldn't seem to make myself wait any longer.

As I listened to her fumble with the lock, the gravity of the day seemed to come crashing back in on me. Worried for about the millionth time that we were making a mistake, I felt my mood darken as doubt filled me again.

When Bella finally got the door open and was staring adoringly up at me, for a moment, all my worries disappeared. She looked lovely in her tan sweater and blue jeans, casual, comfortable, and magnificently warm. The neutral colors highlighted the pink in her cheeks and the warm brown of her eyes.

"Good morning," I smiled, unable to stop myself from taking another head-to-toe look at her, and chuckled.

"What's wrong?"

"We match," I said lightly. I always liked when our dissimilarities were lessened. She smiled too when she saw what I was wearing.

We walked toward the truck, and with a triumphant smirk, Bella went straight to the driver's side, reminding me of our agreement.

"We made a deal," she said, not hesitating for a moment before climbing in. I sighed, reluctantly taking my seat on the passenger side. "Where to?" she asked.

"Put your seat belt on – I'm nervous already."

She sighed but put on her belt and repeated, "Where to?"

"Take the one-oh-one north," I instructed.

I wasn't sure if it was because of how wary I was about the day, or if I simply wasn't used to traveling at normal, human speeds, but Bella seemed to be driving slower than even the speed limit allowed.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I teased, but it would take some time to hike to the meadow after all, and I didn't want to waste our day in this oxidizing hunk of metal.

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather – have some respect."

Although I was tempted to resume asking her questions, I didn't want anything to make her uncomfortable today, and she seemed perfectly content driving together in silence. I thought it odd at first – most people were so eager to break the silence – but after a few minutes, I decided to accept it with welcome relief. With my constantly having to hear everyone's internal chatter, I relished the quiet, and if Bella was happy, then I was happy. I leaned back and focused on the steady rhythm of her heart beat and quiet breathing. Alice had been right about practicing last night. Even though the burn in my throat and scent of her blood was as potent it seemed more tolerable at this easy distance than when I was so close to her as she slept.

I waited until the last possible moment to break our peaceful silence, by telling her, "Turn right on the one-ten." She turned, and I settled back into my seat again. "Now we drive until the pavement ends."

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?"

"A trail," I said noncommittally.

"We're hiking?" she asked, a hint of fear in her voice. I knew it wasn't her first choice for Saturday afternoon activities – she'd never seemed the outdoorsy type – but I was fairly certain the beauty of where we would end up would make it worth it for her.

"Is that a problem?"

"No." She attempted a smile, but I could hear her heart start to race.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry."

We returned to our mutual silence, but now that I'd sensed her nervousness, it was not as comfortable as it had been before. Her heartbeat didn't slow, and small drops of sweat dewed along her hair line. What had she thought we were driving to? She couldn't have thought we were going to a populated area since I'd explained how she would get to see me in the sunlight. What else is there to do in the forest besides hike? Was she finally beginning to realize the danger? The evil huntsman taking Snow White into the forest to cut out her heart could be playing through her mind right now. Yet, I could not know this.

"What are you thinking?" I finally asked. I felt like I'd asked it so many times before, and I never knew if she was telling me the whole truth or filtering for my benefit.

"Just wondering where we're going," she said lightly.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I said, glancing at the clouds Alice had promised would be gone by later this morning.

"Charlie said it would be warm today." Bella nodded, she too was watching the clouds. I knew she'd been curious about the mystery of my appearance in the sun, and I could feel her growing more anxious as the moment of truth approached. Was that why her heart was racing? The ideas of what I could look like in sunlight. The odd alienness of a non-human? I was growing more nervous as the minutes ticked by, and I wondered again if she was starting to see the danger in being alone with me.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope."

I'd suspected as much, but I had a fall back plan.

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I confirmed. As much as I hated to think of Jessica during our day together, reminding myself without a doubt that I would be held responsible if Bella went missing seemed like the wisest thing to do.

"No, I told her you canceled on me – which is true."

"No one knows you're with me?" The monster inside me reared up at the thought while venom pooled in my mouth.

"That depends...I assume you told Alice?"

"That's very helpful, Bella." My voice was far too harsh, and I hated myself for snapping at her, but I couldn't contain all the things that were simultaneously running through me. Couldn't she have given me any help at all?

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I asked, too viciously again. I had to get myself under control.

"You said it might cause trouble for you...us being together publicly," she said calmly, as if it were the most normal thing in the world she were discussing.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me if you don't come home?" I was nearly snarling at her, though some remaining sane portion of my brain told me that she'd been acting out of the best intentions. The fact that those intentions were utterly absurd, however, was hard to ignore.

She just nodded in response to my accusation. Looking for any outlet to channel my frustration, I started muttering under my breath.

Of all the ridiculous things...she's looking out for me, doesn't even care about herself at all...how am I supposed to keep her safe when she has no sense of self-preservation...no wonder she's always getting into trouble...

I could feel the anxiety radiating from her. My change in mood hadn't helped her already nervous attitude, and I was determined to regain my composure by the time we arrived at the end of the road. I focused again on her steady breathing and closed my eyes as the truck bumped over the road and came to a stop.

She parked and got out of the car without looking at me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see her taking off her sweater. The heat didn't matter to me, but she'd wanted to see me in the sunlight and taking off my own sweater now would be more natural as I followed her example.

"This way," I said. As I turned away from her to look into the dim forest, I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my white shirt, deciding that it would be less of a shock to her if she could get used to my inhuman skin before seeing it fully in the sun.

"The trail?" she asked, and I felt a twinge of guilt for having misled her. I heard her frenzied steps as she circled the truck and stumbled to my side.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it." I was still looking into the forest, trying to compose myself, not only of my own fearfulness and anger – but of a sudden bashfulness. What would she think as she saw more of my alienness?

"No trail?" she asked warily. I'd been hoping for something that would calm me, and sure enough, her panic was enough to remind me of my role as her protector. Venom stopped pooling in my mouth, and I swallowed, my muscles relaxing.

"I won't let you get lost," I said, smiling as I turned to look at her.

I had expected her to relax at my assurance, but she stared at my chest for a moment and her face looked angry and even slightly sad. She was shocked at how different I am, I was sure of it. That could explain the sadness, but the anger? Maybe I'd done more damage than I realized by speaking harshly to her before. I couldn't think what else could cause this reaction.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked, part of me hoping she wouldn't want to go through with our plans today.

"No," she said, stepping closer. She looked at me as if I were the one going to run away. I couldn't understand what her expressions meant.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, cursing myself for having upset her.

"I'm not a good hiker. You'll have to be very patient," she said, and even without being able to read her mind, I knew she wasn't telling me the whole truth. Still, I didn't want to force her to talk about anything she wasn't comfortable with.

"I can be patient," I said, playing along. "If I make a great effort."

I'd tried to make my voice light and teasing, hoping to urge a smile from her. Though the corner of her mouth turned up, she still looked miserable.

Great.

I'd ruined our whole day because of my own fears and insecurities, but if our time ended with her being too upset by how different I am and she runs, then, at least she will finally be safe.

So what if no one knew we were together. I knew we were together, and that I was personally responsible for keeping her safe. That would be enough. It had to be.

When she still didn't speak, I sighed deeply. "I'll take you home," I offered, giving her one more chance to retreat if it was what she truly wanted. I felt I was back to my former, more trustworthy self, but if I'd frightened her too deeply to proceed, I would respect her wishes.

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way." She nearly spat the words at me, and I was baffled that her mood today seemed to be shifting as often as mine usually did.

She just stood there, glaring at me, and I eventually realized she was waiting for me to decide. Although at the moment, neither of us seemed emotionally stable enough to go through with our plans. I started walking, knowing I couldn't disappoint her.

I did my best to help make the hike easier for Bella, hoping that would improve her mood. As I helped her through the rougher parts in the forest, the electricity between us unbelievably heightened each time I accidentally touched her skin. Occasionally, I noticed her glancing in my direction, but she still seemed upset. I wasn't sure how to respond to this new mood of hers. Was I really this repulsive? Of course I was, but she seemed determined to follow through with our plans regardless.

Hoping to break her from her sullen mood, I asked her a few random questions that I didn't have a chance to get to in the last two days. I found out that birthdays had never been a big thing for her. Bella's Mom generally threw something together at the last minute and often the plans wouldn't work out, so they'd do something quiet and at home.

"That's how I like it," she shrugged. "Usually when my Mom tried to do something big, I could talk her out of it before it got out of hand."

"What was your favorite birthday present?" I asked, wondering what sorts of trinkets she liked.

"I can't remember any that stand out." She shrugged.

Hmm…was this normal for humans? To care so little about birthdays and presents? Perhaps this was another thing I could remedy for her, but knowing Alice as I did, she'd already be planning the next big events for several years down the road and all their possibilities depending on the decisions that her new "best friend" could make regarding them.

Later, I asked about her grade school teachers, wondering if she'd had a favorite teacher that influenced her. I asked anything and everything I could think of to try to make her smile. Eventually, she started to relax again, and I noticed it made her pace speed up slightly.

"Did you have any pets as a child?" I asked.

"Well, my Mom is allergic to dogs, so that was out. I did get a goldfish once, but it died, and after the third replacement died too, I just gave up on the whole institution."

I laughed loudly.

Both our moods were beginning to brighten, and the more animated she became, talking about her life, the faster she seemed to climb over the trees and rocks. She even stumbled significantly less.

As the hours passed, the clouds began to disappear. The sun was shining, but the trees created a dense cover above us. Bella's expression brightened when she looked up toward the green light brightening above us.

"Are we there yet?" she asked, feigning a frown at me.

"Nearly," I promised, feeling my own anticipation growing. "Do you see the brightness ahead?"

"Um, should I?" she asked, squinting.

"Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes," I teased.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she mumbled.

I slowed down as we approached the trees that veiled the sun-lit meadow from Bella's view and watched as she hurried toward the glow of light. She looked like an explorer about to unlock a hidden treasure. Walking a few steps behind her, I found myself holding my breath as she burst through the edge of the forest and stepped into the sun. Her skin bathed in the warm light, and her hair shone with that same reddish tint that I saw only once before. Only today, unlike that time before, I would be able to stand beside her in the sun.

I waited at the edge of the meadow, still hidden under the shade of the tress.

Bella walked slowly through the grass, sighing appreciatively. I couldn't help but smile right along with her – but for a different reason. The beauty of the meadow could have been a swamp in contrast to how lovely she was in comparison. Her fair skin glowed delicately in the light, as if she were a rare porcelain doll, and her reddish brown hair shimmered and moved as she walked.

I wanted desperately to join her, but I couldn't bring myself to step out into the sunlight yet. She needed to truly take in all the beauty of my personal sanctuary before I forever marred it by adding the image of myself.

Of course she would be frightened, and her odd behavior before we started hiking confirmed my fears. Yet, would she be frightened enough to run away? Or would she have some other odd reaction that I never could seem to predict?

Soon she seemed to realize that I wasn't next to her and turned to look for me. I was surprised that her expression was concerned and feared for a moment that I had walked too far into the sun and inadvertently revealed the truth before I was ready. Then her eyes found mine, and her face instantly softened. She took a step towards me and reached her hand out like she wanted me to take it and join her. As much as I wanted to hold her hand in mine, longed to feel that spark her touch always ignited, I refused to feel the rejection that would most certainly follow when she saw my alienness. I couldn't bear to feel her hand ripped away from mine when the repulsion set in. So I held my hand up, silently urging her to wait just a little longer.

I sighed and took in a deep breath of air I didn't need. Preparing for the worst, I closed my eyes and stepped out into the sunlight.

Confessions -15

As I lay on the grass, my skin reflecting a rainbow of light on Bella's face, all I could think was, She can see what I really look like and she's still with me.

She hadn't run. I'd expected fear, curiosity, repulsion, but her main expression seemed to be a pleasant surprise. I didn't understand her.

I could not comprehend how her reaction was possible, and couldn't help but wonder what else she was thinking and not saying. Yet all I wanted to do at this moment was bask in her acceptance. I could finally be myself with her, and even more astonishing was that she seemed to want me to be myself.

I kept my eyes closed for the most part and just let her get used to seeing me. Occasionally I peeked at her when my curiosity got the better of me, but her expression was the same surprised enjoyment. So odd. All she did was sit near me with her hands and chin resting on her knees and stared at me.

Her warm brown eyes were deep pools of wonder. She looked at me as if I would disappear at any moment and seemed to be memorizing me in case I vanished. I so often felt that way when I watched her sleep, that it only seemed far that I should give her a similar opportunity to look at me.

More than once I wanted to reach out to her, to touch her warm, sun-kissed skin, but wasn't sure she would appreciate the gesture and the coldness I would inflict. Besides, she was still getting used to me. To calm this desire, I sang Bella's lullaby softly. Eventually she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was singing, but wasn't ready to explain that she'd inspired it's composition.

The wind tangled her hair gently and blew her scent around me, but the pain and thirst were easier to manage after being near her as much as I had in the last week. I felt a warm tingle on the back of my hand and opened my eyes to see her stroking my skin with one shaking finger.

I smiled and asked the question that I'd wondered ever since I stepped into the sun, "I don't scare you?" I tried to keep the question light, playful, even though I meant it seriously.

"No more than usual," she said,

Her reaction made me smile even wider. and I wondered how much I usually scared her. I closed my eyes again, enjoying her light touch, and heard her move closer to me as she traced invisible lines up my arm.

"Do you mind?" Her voice sounded shy.

"No," I said, thinking that her touch was better than anything I'd known in the whole of my existence. The tingling fire that I felt in my hand each time I'd touched her face was nothing compared to this. I sighed. "You can't imagine how that feels."

She traced back down my arm to the inside of my elbow. I flipped my hand over so she could trace my palm. She jumped when I did this, and I opened my eyes for a second, worried that I'd frightened her, but was relieved to find that she was only startled.

"Sorry," I closed my eyes again, "It's just so easy to be myself with you."

She lifted my hand then and I saw her holding my palm inches away from her face staring with an unreadable expression. With no other voice in my head but my own, and this mysterious mind next to me, I couldn't help myself from finally asking, "Tell me what you are thinking. It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

Touché. "It's a hard life," I said, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my tone. I thought again of how much I wished I could be human with her. I would give up everything and endure the fire of the venom again if I could be human, to be close to her without fighting the desire to take slaughter her at each second. "But you didn't tell me," I reminded her.

"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she hesitated.

Another deflection. "And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid," I said softly. How could I so often want her to fear me and yet still wish she didn't? Was it right to desire her trust if I didn't deserve it?

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

Surprised, I sat up to look more closely into her eyes. What did she mean? I was so curious that I didn't realize I'd allowed myself to be closer than I'd ever been before.

My face was only a few inches away from hers when I asked, "What are you afraid of then?"

Instead of answering me, she leaned closer and breathed in deeply.

The pulsing rhythm at her throat and the maddening scent of her blood assaulted my every sense. The monster within rejoiced and nearly took over my mind. I could only run the other way, ripping my hand from her grasp. At the edge of the meadow I stared at her, fighting to regain control of my mind. The monster gnashed it's teethe, attempting to break free from my careful control.

"I'm… sorry… Edward," she whispered her face full of shock and hurt.

"Give me a moment," I said, and as I looked at her sad, longing eyes, I knew I could deserve her. She saw something I never wanted her to experience, just how close I was to losing control and killing her. I felt ashamed, hating myself again. How could she ever believe I love her when she knew how desperately I was trying not to murder her?

After a few seconds the venom stopped pooling in my mouth. I held my breath as I walked slowly towards here, making sure that I could come nearer without hurting her. Assuring myself that I was in control again.

When I sat down a few feet away, I was composed enough to take a few experimental breaths. She still looked so sad that I smiled hoping to comfort her. "I am so sorry," I said, and then wanting to lighten the mood with a joke I added, "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"

She only nodded once without smiling and slowly her heart rate quickened as understanding spread across her face. I could smell the adrenaline pulsing through her veins.

She finally fully understood. She was afraid of me.

Though I hadn't imagined it possible, it only made her smell more desirable. I smiled at the irony. Isn't this what I'd wanted? For her to be afraid of me enough to leave so I couldn't hurt her?

I could guess what she was thinking now, but I needed to say it out loud. She had to fully understand what I was. "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"

Without thinking I jumped up again and raced around the meadow in half a second. "As if you could outrun me," I laughed humorlessly, and grabbed a two-foot-thick branch from a spruce. Ripping it from the trunk, I threw it into another tree, leaving a gash in it's bark when the branch shattered into it.

I ran back to stand two feet in front of her then, willing her to finally realize why she should leave, why I should have left long ago. "As if you could fight me off," I said gently, wanting her to understand. She needed to know what I was.

Her eyes were wide staring at me, more afraid than I'd ever seen her, but she didn't run.

Suddenly, I realized that I didn't want her to leave.

I didn't care if it would be better for us both if she did. All I could feel was regret for my rash behavior.

"Don't be afraid," I pleaded. Suddenly it didn't matter that I couldn't deserve her because I would never stop trying. "I promise…" I started to say, stopping when I realized the statement wasn't strong enough. "I swear not to hurt you." In that instant I decided that I was strong enough. I would keep her safe from myself. It didn't make any of this easier, but making that decision gave me enough determination to keep my promise. When she didn't respond I wondered if I was already too late. Had I scared her too much? If she left now it would be only what I deserve, but I was selfish enough to try again.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered taking a slow step towards her. Cautiously watching her stunned expression, I sat down even more slowly just a foot away, and said, "Please forgive me. I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."

She still didn't say anything and I sought to lighten this dark mood. "I'm not thirsty today, honestly," I winked, and at that, she finally laughed breathlessly.

"Are you all right?" I asked, wanting to reverse time and have her trust again.

I carefully put my hand back in hers and she looked down at it before looking into my eyes. Then looking down at my hand again, she started to deliberately trace my skin with her finger tips. She looked at me then with a timid smile, and I smiled brightly back, ecstatic that she still wanted to be near me.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

"I honestly can't remember."

Again, I felt ashamed for my behavior as I perfectly remembered what she'd said before I frightened her. "I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."

"Oh, right."

"Well?" I prompted, but she just went back to tracing my hand. How could a few moments seem like an eternity to an immortal?

After several seconds ticked slowly by, I couldn't stand the silence anymore. "How easily frustrated I am," I sighed.

She looked at me then with a new spark of understanding in her eyes and immediately said, "I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She looked down again depriving me of her eyes to know further what she meant.

There seemed to be more, but I could understand what she'd already said. It was what I'd expected. She'd thought of becoming a vampire and doesn't want that.

"Yes," I nodded, "That is something to be afraid of indeed." I thought of the horror of taking her soul away, and Alice's vision of her with blood red eyes, no longer the deep brown that revealed so much to me when her voice did not. The vision couldn't show if Bella regretted the change or if she hated me for ever coming into her life.

"That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

She frowned when I said that, and I said again what I'd been thinking for so long, "I should have left long ago. I should leave now, but I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave," she mumbled, staring at my hand.

"Which is exactly why I should," I said, thinking again of why she shouldn't care for me. "But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be!" I pulled my hand from hers thinking of how her scent burned in my throat at this moment and every other. I knew what I was and I never could escape this life. "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I stared into the forest, disgusted at how I'd had to run away from her just a few minutes ago to keep myself from sinking my teeth into her neck.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway," she said.

I smiled at the simple curiosity in her expression, and the irony considering the subject she so calmly brought up.

"How do I explain? And without frightening you again… hmmm." I put my hand back in hers and looked down as she tightly held my hand again in both of hers.

"That is amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I admitted, and then thought of how I could explain her scent without using a food analogy. When I couldn't think of anything else that would make any sense to her I just hoped the analogy wouldn't be too offensive.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

She nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn't think of another way to explain."

She smiled encouragingly, and I smiled back wryly knowing that she was encouraging my explanation and not the topic behind it.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with it's warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?"

We sat silently, staring into each other's eyes. She seemed to be trying to read my mind now as I'd so often tried to read hers. I thought the analogy wasn't vivid enough so I attempted a different one.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying," understanding sparking in her eyes, "Is, I'm your brand of heroin?" Her tone sounded teasing, though her observation was quite accurate.

"Yes," I smiled rejoicing that I could make her understand even a little bit. "You are exactly my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?"

I looked away from her, feeling ashamed again for what I am and what I've done. "I spoke to my brothers about it," I started to say, not wanting to admit the truth of our dark world, but she needed to know. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the

differences in smell, in flavor." I looked at her then wondering if I'd offended her when I referenced tasting human blood.

"Sorry,"

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

I looked into the sky, away from her eyes and took a deep breathe before finishing my explanation. "So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as," I paused looking for the right word. Appetizing? Delectable? Savory? Umm… "Appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?"

"Never."

She seemed to be watching the word I'd just spoken as if it were hung in the air in between us.

"What did Emmett do?"

That was the wrong question to ask, and I wasn't going to answer it. I clenched my fist inside of her open hands, willing myself to not think of what I'd seen in his mind when Bella was so near to me, so fragile and accepting.

"I guess I know," she finally said.

I looked at her then wanting her to understand just how hard it was for us to deny our nature in the first place, to live the lifestyle that we'd chosen. Trying to defend Emmett I said, "Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"

"What are you asking? My permission?" Her voice was sharper than I'd ever heard it. Then more quietly she asked, "I mean, is there no hope, then?"

"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I stared into her eyes wishing I could make her see just how much she meant to me, how much I'd already suffered through, forcing myself to keep her safe.

"It's different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now." I watched her as she thought of these things and understanding flickered in her eyes.

"So if we'd met.. Oh, in a dark alley or something…"

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and -" I couldn't finish the thought and looked away from her, swallowing the venom that pooled in my mouth. The repulsion I felt for myself made it easier to speak of these things without bringing back the uncertainty that I'd felt at the beginning of the day. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

I looked at her then, remembering my rudeness that day. "You must have thought I was possessed."

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to

get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…" I looked at her then seeing the shocked realization spreading across her face. She had no idea that she'd been in such danger.

"You would have come," I said, expecting her to deny it.

"Without a doubt."

I looked at our hands again frowning at my futile attempts to avoid her. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there - so easily dealt with."

She shivered once, and then again. She was realizing what really was going on that day. Probably picturing too much, so I went on quickly, "But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

Of all the things I'd told her throughout the day, I didn't understand how that would be the piece of information that shocked her. But there she sat, wide eyed and clearly surprised. Didn't she realize that I'd left? I'd thought about her every second I was away. I wanted to ask her what she did during those days. It had been nagging at me, wondering what I'd missed during my pathetic escape attempt, but her eyes were urging me to continue, and this day was hers.

"I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…" I paused, ashamed to be admitting my cowardice. "By the next morning I was in Alaska.

"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" - I grinned thinking of how blind I was then to this beautiful woman sitting before me - "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…"

I looked away from her then, letting the truth finally spill out, "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I would save her from the knowledge of just how irritating it really had been hearing Jessica's unkind thoughts and seeing Mike's fantasies.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes." I knew this was the answer to the question that had plagued her for far too long, so I continued quickly, "Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'" I closed my eyes, agonizing for what I am and for admitting all of it. Out loud, my confession sounded so much more horrendous to my own ears.

"In the hospital?" she asked, and I was startled that after all I'd confessed, she was still searching for more answers from my darkest moments. How much more truth could she take? Yet I forced myself to continue.

"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched as I let that word slip out and I continued quickly, "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I tried my best not to show anything on my face, but it was impossible to think of Alice and that night without also thinking about her two unacceptable visions for Bella's future.

"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I shook my head remembering her motherly thoughts of wanting me to stay and rejoicing at Alice's vision that I'd fall in love with Bella.

"All that next day," I went on, "I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day."

I looked into her eyes then thinking of my love for her. "And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you."

"Why?" she asked, not seeing, even though I'd told her everything I'd done to keep her safe, how much I love her.

"Isabella," I carefully said, wanting her to fully understand how much she meant to me, and then quickly decided it might be better to keep the mood lighter, I ruffled her hair playfully. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I dropped my head again in shame. "The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable."

With that, I met her gaze and all the pain I was feeling, all the agony I'd suffered fighting the monster inside disappeared, and I realized that there was no reason to hide my feelings. She was finally going to know the truth. She would finally understand.

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

I watched her closely she didn't say anything, and I wondered if I'd said too much. If she could ever care for me after I'd admitted my abhorrent desire and cowardice.

She stared at our hands for a moment and then said, "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She frowned for a moment and then said, "I'm an idiot."

That sent me over the edge. I grinned, like the absolute fool that I was and laughed in agreement, because her reactions really were ridiculous.

"You are an idiot," I said and as I laughed she looked into my eyes and laughed with me. We laughed together at the sheer impossibility of our love and what had brought us to this moment.

Then we just smiled at each other for a while.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" I finally said, and she looked away, hiding her eyes, but her heart rate sped up and her hands felt warmer around mine than they had before. I recognized her shy reaction at my confession of love, and if she needed time to let it sink in, I'd give her as much as she needed. I'd give her anything.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," I said, correcting her. I looked back to the forest where I'd had to run from her only a few minutes before.

"Why…?" she began, pausing uncomfortably.

I smiled, encouraging her to continue. "Yes?"

"Tell me why you ran from me before."

"You know why," I said bitterly, not wanting to think of it again, more determined than ever to keep complete and perfect control when we were together, to never let her be afraid again.

"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" - she stroked the back of my hand again - "seems to be all right."

I smiled again, enjoying her touch. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you," she insisted, tender concern written on her face.

"Well," I said reluctantly, not wanting to re-live the moment, but wanting to be honest with her. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I said urgently, the burn flaring in my own throat again as I remembered, but I was in control this time. There was nothing for her to worry about and I checked to make sure her eyes weren't fearful.

"Okay, then," she said as if I were talking about something completely unimportant, rather than her survival. Then in possibly the cutest gesture I'd ever seen her make, she tucked her chin under her collar, smiled, and said, "No throat exposure."

I laughed, ecstatic that I was able to talk openly with her about everything now.

Of course I didn't want her to think she needed to start wearing turtlenecks everyday, so I quickly clarified.

"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."

Slowly, I reached up to touch the side of her neck. Her skin was so soft, so delicate, and I wondered what it would be like to brush against it with my nose… my lips... She seemed to like my touch as much as I relished hers, so I left my hand on her neck, feeling her pulse under my fingertips.

"You see," I told her calmly. "Perfectly fine." And I really was. Even as I listened to her pulse race, took in her luxurious scent, I couldn't feel even the slightest lapse in my control. All I could think about was how I wanted to touch her more and make her heart race faster.

The man was finally winning the battle with the monster. Even though part of my mind still gnashed for control my decision to never hurt her gave me that strength that I'd been so desperate for. Knowing this and feeling overwhelmed with the thought that I could finally touch her the way I'd longed to do, I decided to test myself just a bit further.

As Bella's heart raced, her cheeks turned their familiar shade of pink. I didn't want her to be embarrassed about her reactions to me. I enjoyed them. They reminded me that at least some part of her longed for me as I longed for her and gave me another glimpse into her mind.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I said softly, and watched, pleased as the shade deepened.

Reluctantly, I took my other hand from hers and it fell lifelessly to her side. She didn't want me to let go either. It was the most amazing feeling to be so wanted. Eager to show her my intentions, I brushed my fingers lightly along her soft cheek. She sighed and I felt her relax beneath my touch.

Encouraged, I brought my other hand up from her neck and cupped her face delicately between my hands, always aware of how utterly breakable she was.

"Be very still," I whispered. Keeping my eyes locked with hers, I silently reminded her not to make any sudden movements as I leaned closer. My fingers were still tingling from the sensation of touching her face and neck. I wanted to feel that warmth on my face, wanted to feel that much more human with her.

I pressed my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat, and took one shallow breath to see how much more potent her scent would be in such close proximity. The thirst raked at my throat, but I was so happy to be touching her that I could almost forget the pain.

Assured that I was still in complete control, I listened to her uneven heart beat and her quick breathing, reveling in the fact that it wasn't brought on by fear. When her breathing slowed, I carefully let my hands slide down the sides of her neck.

She shivered and my breath caught in my throat. I marveled at the impossibility that she cared for me and wanted me near her as much as I wanted her. I left my hands resting on her shoulders and brushed my nose gently across her collarbone, inhaling her sweetness. The burn in my throat was nearly forgotten because I was finally touching her as I'd longed to do, and she was actually safe in my arms.

So often, since the moment that I'd realized I loved her, I had wished this were possible. My nose and face tingled as I skimmed down her collar bone to her chest, pressing my ear to the thumping rhythm of her heart. Eventually her heart slowed to a normal pace and she relaxed into me. I lost all track of time, treasuring each precious beat of her heart. I realized then that there was a middle point to Alice's visions and we were enjoying it now. Now I knew that I could be with her as she was. She could stay human, she wouldn't have to lose her soul to be with me or risk near death every time I was in her presence. I could be near her, even as close as this, feeling her warm breath in my hair, and she would be safe. Impossibly, I'd made myself safe enough for her to be near me.

The side of my face grew warmer the longer I held my ear against her heart, and eventually I no longer felt the burn in my throat at all because so many new human emotions and desires were overshadowing it and growing stronger as I held her.

I sighed, finally releasing her. "It won't be so hard again," I said assuredly.

"Was that very hard for you?" she asked.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad…for me."

I smiled at her inflection. "You know what I mean."

She smiled, and I took her hand. "Here," I said, placing her hand on my face. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

Her eyes were intent. "Don't move," she whispered.

I closed my eyes and held perfectly still as she traced the outlines of my cheek, up to my forehead, down across my eye lids, tracing a warm tingle down my nose, and across my lips. Feelings I had never known filled me as she touched my face and mouth. I let my lips part and breathed her scent in, almost tasting her sweetness and feeling the tingly fire from her finger tips spread through my lips.

Did she have any idea what she was doing to me? This feeling was so new, and so completely unexpected. On the one hand I wanted to pull her close and inhale her luscious scent until it drove me mad. But more than that, I felt a new kind of desire, one I hadn't believed myself capable of

and still didn't understand fully. My lips burned under her touch in a completely different way than my throat.

Too soon, she stopped. I opened my eyes then, hungry for more, and I saw the desire in her eyes as well. Could I find the strength to kiss her as well? I pictured leaning into her and feeling the heat of her lips against mine. Her pulse speed as my eyes bore into hers.

"I wish," I started to say, "I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand." I lifted my hand to her hair and gently brushed back a strand that had blown across her face.

"Tell me," she breathed.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though" - I half-smiled - "as you are not addicted to any illegal substance, you probably can't empathize completely. But…" I paused, lightly tracing her lips with my fingertips remembering her touch on my own. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand that better than you think." She smiled.

"I'm not used to feeling so human," I admitted, "Is it always like this?"

"For me?" She paused. "No, never. Never before this."

I held her hands in mine, looking at their fragile delicacy. Could I always be able to handle her as softly as I needed to and not break her? "I don't know how to be close to you," I said aloud. "I don't know if I can."

She leaned closer to me, cautioning me with her eyes and placed her cheek against my chest. "This is enough," she sighed.

Even with her desirable scent floating around her head right under my nose and completely vulnerable leaning against me, at each moment I felt more human. I carefully wrapped my arms around her and leaned my face against her hair.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she commented.

"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there."

And they were, so many new feelings that I'd never known. I never could have known them in all the decades of my existence because she wasn't alive then. We held each other until the light began to fade and the shadows of the trees crept close to us. She sighed and I knew what she must be thinking.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind."

"It's getting clearer." I smiled at how I was beginning to know her in so many ways. Then I had an idea and pulled her away from me so that I could look at her face. "Can I show you something?" I was excited that she could now be close enough to me to experience this.

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."

She looked nervous.

"Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned in anticipation, sure that she'd enjoy the ride as much as I always enjoyed running.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

I had to laugh then, the look on her face was priceless. "Like I haven't heard that one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

She hesitated still looking at me as if I'd turn into some winged creature at any moment. I smiled at the thought, and reaching for her, I swung her onto my back. She clamped her legs and arms around me and said, "I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack."

"Hah!" I snorted, rolling my eyes at the thought of her feathery lightness being a problem for me. In fact, I had never felt so light as I did now. I took her hand and pressed her palm to my nose, inhaling deeply. "Easier all the time." I noted.

And then I couldn't hold my excitement in any longer.

I started running.

The exhilaration was even more intense as I realized just how far we'd come today. I never thought it would be possible to be so close to her, and when I remembered her fingertip on my lips I wondered again if it would be possible to be closer still, to kiss her. I'd never even considered this as remotely possible before today, but I was certain now that if it became too hard for me, I would be able to stop. I wouldn't hurt her. I was sure of this now, and my joy at this revelation led me to run even faster. We were at her truck in just a few minutes.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I said when I stopped, then waited for her to climb off my back. When she didn't move I was worried.

"Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped.

"Oh, sorry," I said, realizing that she might be feeling some motion sickness, but she still didn't move.

"I think I need help." Her voice was weak.

I gently loosened her hold on me and couldn't help laughing quietly. I was still so elated with this new sensation of having her close without fear. I moved her from my back and cradled her in my arms for a moment before laying her on some springy turf.

"How do you feel?" I asked, observing the look that I'd seen before - after the blood-typing in biology.

"Dizzy, I think."

"Put your head between your knees," I suggested, remembering how it had helped her then..

Eventually, she raised her head. She still looked pale. "I guess that wasn't the best idea," I thought aloud.

"No, it was very interesting." Her voice was still shaky.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" She groaned in alarm.

I laughed again at the look on her face.

"Show-off," she muttered.

I knew that it would just be a matter of practice, like everything else about our relationship. She was apart of my world now, and I was apart of hers. I leaned close to her face, wanting more to practice.

"Open your eyes, Bella," I said quietly. She was surprised, but didn't shy away, so I continued, "I was thinking, while I was running…" I hesitated, trying to find the right words.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off," she muttered again.

I smiled at her. "No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

I took her soft face, holding it gently between my palms, and for a moment, she stopped breathing altogether. It wasn't until then that I realized I'd been holding my breath. I took one careful breath in. Even with her face inches from mine, her intoxicating scent filling my nose, and her moist lips parting as she realized what I wanted to do - I was in control.

I moved very slowly toward her until I could taste her scent as well as smell it. Her breath washing over my face was so warm, just like her touch, and I paused to marvel at how wonderful it felt. Taking another deep and cautious breath I knew I was still in control, and I watched her eyes close softly. A quiet sigh escaped her lips and it was all the reassurance I needed. There was no need great enough to make me harm her, now or ever. So I let my own eyes close, and pressed my lips to hers.

It was the most magnificent feeling, the painless burning that I felt from her fingertips multiplied into a tingling passion. I could taste her on my lips but it didn't ignite the painful thirst as I had expected. It made me long for more of her embrace. The electricity that sparked between us when we touched was now a bolt of lightning.

Suddenly, Bella's heart beat erratically and I could smell adrenaline pumping through her veins. Her fingers knotted in my hair as she pulled me closer. Her warm lips parted with wild gasps, and the hint of her flavor became a real taste as her breath and saliva found my tongue.

Her reaction was too much.

I froze, clamping my jaw shut.

Gently, I moving her face a few inches away from me while simultaneously forcing the beast back under my control. I held my breath for a moment as I stared into her eyes to calm myself. The maddening desire to drink her blood raged inside of me, gnashing at the bars of my control.

After a moment of taking in my expression she just whispered, "Oops."

"That's an understatement," I said with the air that I was holding in my lungs.

She tried to move her head from between my hands and said, "Should I…?" Probably thinking it would be easier for me, but I didn't want her to disturb the air with her scent and looking into her eyes was helping me.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I was growing more practiced with controlling myself. I could hear the snarling and desire ringing in my head, but it wouldn't escape my control. And after a few moments, I'd calmed myself enough to breathe normally again and let her go. I smiled slightly at the thought of her reaction to my kiss.

"There."

"Tolerable?" she asked.

I laughed, thrilled by the success. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

I wasn't quite as sorry for her reaction as she seemed to be and joked. "You are only human, after all."

"Thanks so much," she said, looking annoyed.

I jumped to my feet then and offered her my hand. She still seemed a bit off balance and I was enjoying the fact that now I could take her hand in mine and act like myself around her. For so long I'd wished I could simply hold her hand and we'd come much farther than I'd imagined could be possible. I felt carefree for the first time in so long, it probably would have made me dizzy if I were human.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I teased, grinning at how utterly human I felt at this moment. For the first time in my existence I was untroubled by my monstrous desires. Today, the beast was the loser.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she said shakily, "I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" She gasped, shock written on her face. Was she teasing me?

"I can drive better than you on your best day," I said. Her fear of my driving of all things was what was insane. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust, please, Bella." It seemed a silly thing to remind her when she'd already trusted me with her life so often today.

She pursed her lips and stared at me a moment before shaking her head. "Nope. Not a chance."

I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. Was she really that afraid of my driving? I didn't think she was really serious till she started to walk to the drivers side. When she swayed slightly, I caught her around the waist and said, "Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," I quoted, chuckling at the thought of why she appeared that way.

"Drunk?" she objected.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I grinned, enjoying the fact that she felt the same way around me as I felt when I was with her.

"I can't argue with that," she sighed and dropped the keys, knowing I'd catch them before they hit the ground. "Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible," I nodded. I wouldn't mind driving slowly this once.

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" She sounded annoyed.

I looked at her then, willing her to understand just how much I loved her. I simply bent my face to hers and brushed my lips slowly along her jaw. Back and forth from her ear to her chin, breathing in her intoxicating aroma. Inside I felt like I could be drunk, reeling from her touch, her scent, and this new exuberance after being depressed and unsure for so long.

"Regardless," I finally murmured, "I have better reflexes."

Mind over Matter - 16

The trucks sluggish speed and loud engine seemed like a blessing now instead of a frustration, because I was holding Bella's hand. After today's accomplishments I thought that nothing could bother me again. It didn't matter right now about the future, of right and wrong, of Alice's visions, I could only enjoy this moment. We were closer now than I'd ever dreamed possible. I'd not only been able to control myself enough to kiss her, but she had actually wanted me too.

I had never kissed anyone before today (at least not this kind of kiss) and I smiled again at her reaction.

We drove south-west, and as I looked into the setting sun, I thought of what Bella meant to me. I'd thought of an analogy before, but now it was more true than ever. Her chestnut hair blowing out the open window, twisting in and out, tangling around her neck and shoulder, and her exquisite face beaming up at me.

She was my sun.

I didn't know how or why I was so fortunate that she could care for me. It was an impossibility. The sun rising in the middle of my night, yet here she was.

My carefree mood made me feel like singing. I turned on her radio and smiled at the song that filled the car. It was "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke. I'd heard it many times and sang along, knowing now what the writer might have felt like when he came up with the lyrics. The words were a poor, rather trite, interpretation for my emotions, but it made me chuckle to think how appropriate it felt right now.

"You like fifties music?" she asked, looking curiously at me.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shuddered in mock disgust. "The eighties were bearable."

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked quietly.

"Does it matter much?" I smiled at her, feeling too happy to think that anything could matter at this moment except basking in our new love.

"No, but I still wonder…" she grimaced, making me think it might matter at least a little to her. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

"I wonder if it will upset you," I mused, staring into the setting sun again. There seemed no reason to keep my past from her after all, but there was always the chance that something I say could be too much to handle and she'd run screaming like she should have long ago. I wanted to prolong the time that I had with her before she changed her mind about me, but, I couldn't refuse to tell her more about myself. I didn't want her to continue to love me under false pretenses.

"Try me," she said interrupting my thoughts.

I sighed and looked into her eyes, wondering if my real age would bother her too much. She seemed just curious though, so I looked again at the sun sinking below the trees, the shadows growing longer, and after turning the radio down, I started my story.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901." I paused briefly to glance at her face. Her reaction was unsurprised and I smiled at how her responses were always so opposite from a normal persons. "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

She gasped and I looked at her again, wondering what had shocked her. Her eyes were full of concern and I realized that she must be worried for my suffering.

"I don't remember it well - it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I thought back to those hazy memories. They were of course much more clear in Carlisle's mind and I'd seen them from his perspective, but I couldn't remember how it felt to have that disease. "I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget."

"Your parents?"

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

"How did he…save you?"

I wondered how much I could truthfully say without giving her too much information. I didn't want her to know how to become a vampire because I never would allow that to happen to her. The least she knew about the mechanics of it, the safer her soul would be.

"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us…I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." I paused wondering again how much she should know. "For me, it was merely very, very painful."

I knew of course that she'd want more information, but she didn't need to know more and I wasn't going to explain it. To distract her from the questions that were inevitably still rolling in her mind, I said, "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff." I edited Esme's story slightly. It wasn't for me to tell, but perhaps one day Esme would choose to tell Bella about the death of her child and attempted suicide. "They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

"So you must be dying, then, to become…" she trailed off seeming afraid to say the word.

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do this to someone who had another choice." I knew how hard it had been for him being alone so many hundreds of years and felt my respect for him grow as I thought again of his compassion and pure intentions. "It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak." I looked at the dark shadows of the trees blackening the road in front of us, and hoped she'd let the subject go.

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him - he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled my eyes, thinking how absurdly mismatched Rosalie and I would be. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting - we were in Appalachia at the time - and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I glanced at Bella, thinking of how hard today had been even without

fresh blood as Rosalie had to endure. I lifted our joined hands and brushed down her cheek with the back of my fingers.

"But she made it," Bella prompted looking out the window again.

"Yes," I murmured. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." I laughed. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again." The charade seemed a little silly sometimes, but Alice always had fun designing a new wedding dress for her, and the honey-moon trip was always a welcome relief for me from Rosalie's thoughts. Though I did miss Emmett when they were gone.

"Alice and Jasper?

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another…family, a very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

"Really?" Bella interrupted, looking fascinated. "But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She sees things - things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

My jaw clenched shut as I remembered the two futures that Alice had seen of Bella. One of her cold and lifeless, drained of blood, and the other of her with the flaming red eyes of a newborn vampire. I glanced at her quickly resolving again that I wouldn't let either future come to pass. I knew now that there was a middle ground.

"What kinds of things does she see?"

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

"Are there a lot of…your kind?" She seemed surprised and I wondered if the knowledge of what we are was finally sinking in.

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people"- I glanced at her quickly-"can live together with humans for any length of time." I wasn't quite sure how to admit what our natural food source was when I was talking to my natural food source. She didn't flinch however so I continued, "We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live…differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."

"Why is that?"

I parked in front of Bella's house and turned off the engine. Knowing that her father wasn't home yet, I wasn't worried about staying next to her for a while longer.

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years."

"So that's where the legends came from?"

"Probably." I shrugged.

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

"No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage."

Bella seemed on the verge of asking more questions when her stomach growled. I realized that she hadn't eaten during the whole day that she was with me.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner."

"I'm fine, really."

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget." I was bothered that I wasn't taking better care of her and vowed to pay more attention to all her needs in the future.

"I want to stay with you," she pleaded.

"Can't I come in?" I asked, hopeful about the idea that I'd be invited in, instead of sneaking in as I'd been doing every other night.

"Would you like to?" She seemed surprised that I'd even consider the idea.

"Yes, if it's all right," I said, and before waiting for an answer I was already out of the drivers seat and around to her side of the truck opening the door for her.

"Very human," she commented.

"It's definitely resurfacing." I marveled again thinking back through our day, and feeling a little smug that I'd finally been able to get her door open before she did it herself.

We walked silently towards the house, and I wondered how I should tell her that I'd been here every night watching her sleep. It would be wrong to keep it from her, but I didn't know how it would effect her. Would she think it was creepy? Would she be angry? I thought through what I knew about her and decided that since it would be normal to be angry, she would be the opposite. I didn't want to just blurt it out either though, so as we stepped closer to the door I snagged the key from it's hiding place and unlocked the door. This could be a gentle way to let her figure it out.

"The door was unlocked?" She sounded surprised.

"No, I used the key from under the eave."

She flipped the porch light on then and turned to look at me. Her eyebrows were raised, a flicker of accusation in her eyes.

"I was curious about you," I said quietly, waiting for her reaction.

"You spied on me?" Her words were only mildly upset and the accusation in her eyes softened.

I just shrugged, glad that she was taking the truth so well and pointed out, "What else is there to do at night?"

We then walked into the house and down the hall. I beat her to the kitchen and sat in the chair her father usually occupied. She ignored me as she rummaged through the fridge and I started thinking about plans for tomorrow. I'd told her all about my family and she hadn't seemed upset in any way, just curious. I wondered if I could take her to my house to meet them. Alice and Esme would be the most ecstatic of course, and Rosalie could leave if she refused to be civil.

"How often?"

"Hmmm?" I still wasn't used to being surprised by anything someone said, and wondered where the beginning of this conversation was. I must have missed it.

"How often did you come here?" she asked without turning away from what she was doing with the food.

"I come here almost every night."

She whirled around then looking stunned. "Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep," I admitted. "You talk."

"No!" She gasped and her face grew red.

I felt guilty then and I supposed I couldn't always expect her to have an opposite reaction. "Are you very angry with me?"

"That depends!" she sounded breathless and then didn't speak.

"On?" I urged wondering just how angry she was.

"What you heard!"

Suddenly I realized that she wasn't mad, just embarrassed, and I went to her side to take her hand.

"Don't be upset!" I pleaded. Lowering my face to the level of her eyes, I saw the embarrassment in her eyes and wanted her to realize that she had nothing to be ashamed of. I had adored her every word.

"You miss your mother," I whispered. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" I laughed softly enjoying the memory, but hoping I wouldn't offend her more.

"Anything else?" She demanded.

I realized now exactly why she was embarrassed. "You did say my name," I admitted.

She sighed, "A lot?"

Now I was the one who was embarrassed because I realized that I new the exact number. "How much do you mean by 'a lot', exactly?"

"Oh no!" She hung her head.

I pulled her close to me, hugging her gently.

"Don't be self-conscious," I whispered in her ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."

Then we both heard her father's car pulling into the driveway. The headlights flashed through the front window and down the hall to us. Bella stiffened in my arms.

"Should your father know I'm here?" I wondered.

"I'm not sure…"

She looked worried so I just said, "Another time then…" and noiselessly, I ran up the stairs to her room.

"Edward!" she hissed after me.

I chuckled, still in high spirits from the day, I found this new experience quite amusing. Hide from the scary father like I really was an immature 17 year old. I'll have to insist on being introduced soon, but for now it didn't matter. I went into her room and grinned as I lay down across her small bed. Lacing my fingers behind my head, I listened to Charlie greet Bella as he stomped through the front door.

I listened to their nightly small talk and could hear Bella's voice sounding slightly more hurried than usual. Charlie's mind, though still clouded, was full of emotion. Very protective, loving his daughter fiercely, worried about her. Such strong emotions compared to his indifferent words. I was struck again by the tone of his mind and how important Bella was to him. She was so precious, so worth protecting.

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" His mind was suddenly suspicious, but still mostly concerned.

Ah, he must be concerned that she wasn't going to the dance tonight.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet."

Well, that was true. I'm not a boy in any strict definition.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly."

I tensed at the sound of Mike's name and gritted my teethe. I was glad that Charlie wasn't actually thrilled with him either, though his words, as always might give a slightly different impression for those who couldn't read his mind.

"He's just a friend, Dad."

"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking." His mind was relieved, but mainly because he felt so strongly that she was too good for anyone.

He was right of course, but especially in Mike Newton's case.

Being able to read all the minds of the guys that were interested in her, I knew that none of them realized how special she was and how unworthy they all really were. I seemed to be the only person who agreed whole heartedly with her father's views and smiled ruefully at the irony. If he knew what I was, he wouldn't want me to ever come near his daughter again. He would, of course, be right. The only difference in my case, compared to the other guys that liked Bella, was that I knew I wasn't good enough for her.

I've known that since the beginning, but this was the first day that I felt a glimmer of hope. To add to the irony, was how she proved today that she wanted me near her as much as I wanted to be with her. Her acceptance always stunned me and made me realize even more why I wasn't worthy of such a person.

She came into the room then, shutting the door more loudly than necessary. I'd been so deep in thought and trying to ignore the perfect memories that I had of the minds of each boy that had thought of Bella, that I hadn't noticed her coming up the stairs until she opened her door and her heavenly scent preceded her into the room. I didn't say anything, thinking that she'd see me right away laying as I was, cheekily in the middle of her bed, but she went straight to the window.

She opened it and leaning out, whispered, "Edward?"

I laughed quietly. "Yes?"

She whirled around to face me. Her dark eyes were wide with shock, and I could hear her heart racing. Her hand flew to her throat as if to keep her wildly beating heart from choking her. My smile spread as I saw the look on her face.

"Oh!" she breathed, and sank to the floor.

"I'm sorry," I said and pressed my lips together to keep from laughing.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart."

I really shouldn't have laughed. I could give her a heart attack if I weren't more careful, but her surprised face was such a funny thing to see. Vampires really can't be surprised, what with our heightened senses. I sat up slowly, not wanting to surprise her again with any sudden movements. I gently picked her up and set her next to me on her bed.

"Why don't you sit with me," I suggested. As hard as it was to be near her, it was even harder being away from her. "How's the heart?" I asked, as if I didn't know.

"You tell me - I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

I laughed quietly again at how true her statement was and then we were both silent until her heart had slowed. She bit her lower lip and the pucker appeared between her eyebrows again, making me wonder what she was thinking.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" she asked.

"Certainly," I said.

I wondering if I should leave, but before I could ask she said, "Stay," in a mock-severe voice.

"Yes, ma'am." I said, playing along and sat up straighter holding perfectly still.

She grabbed some clothes from a pile on the floor and a small bag off her desk and left the room, closing the door more quietly than before. I heard her slam the bathroom door and wondered vaguely why she'd banged it so loudly.

With a small part of my mind I could hear her turning on the water of the sink and brushing her teethe, but mainly I let my thoughts return to this remarkable day. Maybe there was a way for us. Just like with Angela and Ben, there's always a way for love to succeed no matter what the odds. It was beyond difficult to be near Bella, to always be controlling myself so closely, but these other feelings I have for her, so human, were now equal in strength as the desire for her blood. It made controlling my thirst easier in a way.

When I first met Bella and thought I couldn't stop myself from killing her, I thought that nothing I'd ever felt or would feel could be stronger than that desire. Yet today at certain times I was so overcome with these new human emotions that everything else was pushed far behind them in my mind. At those times it wasn't hard to control myself, at least in regards to drinking her blood. I still had to mind my every action, as I knew I would when I first let myself touch her. It didn't make me any more worthy of her.

I was still a killer, a murderer with that desire inside of me; my very nature was evil, but I knew that I could be safe for her now. Only because I would be that careful. It didn't change who I was or what I could do to her, but deciding today as I had that there was nothing that would distract me from minding each of my actions gave me the strength I'd been looking for.

Even when I'd kissed her and she'd taken me so completely by surprise, trying to pull me closer and seeming so completely unaware of how close to my teeth she was, even after I'd admitted how often I struggled with my vampiric nature, even after her reaction and being so close to her with my instinct raging at me to bite her… I had held her face between my hands as I calmed myself, and I hadn't hurt her.

Incomprehensible.

I was still riding the high of today's revelation when the sound of the running water distracted me. I wondered if Bella usually took a shower at night rather than in the morning. As I listened, I began to hear each water droplet from the shower. The ones that fell from the shower head to the floor and the ones that fell a shorter distance, hitting her skin. Bella's scent was strong in her room of course, but I thought I could even smell her more now, heightened by the steam from the shower. I thought of the water droplets hitting her hair and trickling down her back, warming her delicate skin. But I couldn't let myself dwell on these thoughts for long. I refused to fantasize about her the way Mike Newton would have, it was wrong to treat Bella so disrespectfully, and the idea of being like him disgusted me just as much as Mike always had.

Soon, I heard the shower turned off and Bella banging around like she was in a hurry, and her foot steps running down the stairs.

"Night, Dad."

"Night, Bella." His mind was startled, but was mainly absorbed with the game he watched on TV.

I heard Bella run back up the stairs and into her room. She looked at me and smiled, relief in her expression. She wore the same old sweats and t-shirt that she usually slept in, and looked warm and comfortable and completely herself.

I smiled at her. "Nice," I said, approvingly.

She grimaced, and I was vaguely reminded of the conversations I've always been privy to in the minds of men and woman.

"No, it looks good on you." It did of course, she was herself. She was beautiful and feminine and though something more alluring would make her harder to resist, nothing she could wear would make her more lovely to me. I was glad she hadn't changed her normal habits with me here.

She whispered a thanks and came to sit next to me on her bed. She stared at the floor.

"What was all that for?" I asked, thinking of how loudly she'd slammed the doors and banged around.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."

"Oh," I said wondering what I'd missed in his thoughts that would lead to that conclusion. "Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited."

I lifted her chin up to look more closely at her face.

"You look very warm, actually."

I lowered my face to hers and pressed my face against her soft cheek, inhaling her steamed fragrance, I sighed, "Mmmmmm…"

I thought of the analogy that I'd described this afternoon, of an alcoholic in a room with the scent of warmed brandy filling the air, and how I was beginning to actually enjoy her scent rather than seeing it as something that was just torturing me. It still did torture me in a way, but I was

beginning to appreciate it. Such an odd balance, to be able to enjoy her scent even with the painful burning in my throat.

"It seems to be…" Bella hesitated, shaking her head slightly. "Much easier for you, now, to be close to me."

"Does it seem that way to you?" I whispered, skimming my nose up her jaw and inhaling again. I carefully brushed her wet hair away from her ear and kissed the delicate skin of her neck below her earlobe. The electricity that I always felt when I was close to her or touched her made me forget the pain in my throat again.

"Much, much easier," she said hesitantly.

"Hmm." I wondered absently if this new human desire to hold her closer was stronger now than even my thirst.

"So I was wondering…" I felt her warm breathe on my neck as she spoke and I began to trace her collarbone with one finger.

"Yes?" I prompted.

"Why is that," her voice was shaking, "do you think?"

I laughed quietly against her neck and just said, "Mind over matter."

Suddenly, she pulled away from me. The predator instinct that felt it's prey trying to escape wanted to lash out. I held my breath and forced myself to hold still until I was in control again. We stared at each other for a moment until I could relax my clenched jaw. Then I was confused. Why did she pull away from me?

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No - the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she explained.

I wasn't hurting her or doing anything she disliked? I was ecstatic and said, "Really?" I grinned, feeling like I'd won the grand prize in a contest.

"Would you like a round of applause?" She said facetiously.

That would feel appropriate right now, but I simply said, "I'm just pleasantly surprised. In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it…at being with you…"

"You're good at everything," she interrupted.

I just shrugged and we both laughed quietly.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she pressed. "This afternoon…"

"It's not easy," I sighed thinking of just a few moments ago when I'd had to hold my breath. "But this afternoon, I was still…undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable." She shook her head.

"Thank you." I smiled. "You see," I started to explain, looking away from her eyes, "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I picked up her hand and pressed it to my face. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be…overcome" - I breathed in the scent at her wrist - "I was…

susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would…that I ever could…" I was ashamed even now to admit what we both already knew I was struggling with.

"So there's no possibility now?"

"Mind over matter," I repeated and smiled at her again.

"Wow, that was easy," she said so nonchalantly that it made me laugh.

"Easy for you!" I corrected, playfully tweaking the end of her nose.

Abruptly the exuberance that I felt turned serious when I remembered again how the predator instinct in me surfaced so quickly just a moment ago. It was painful to think I could ever even come close to hurting her.

"I'm trying," I whispered. "If it gets to be…to much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

She scowled at me.

"And it will be harder tomorrow," I went on. "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think."

"Don't go away, then," she said quickly, longingly.

"That suits me. Bring on the shackles - I'm your prisoner." I wrapped my fingers around her wrists to illustrate and laughed quietly at her surprised expression.

"You seem more… optimistic than usual," she observed. "I haven't seen you like this before."

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I smiled. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example" - I quickly said still feeling like I was flying - "the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I paused grimacing at the memory. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

She nodded. "The day you started talking to me again."

I smiled at the way she referred to that same day, and went on with my explanation, "I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt - I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care.

"And then the line started forming," I chuckled at the memory while Bella scowled in the same way that she had back then.

"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.

"And then," I whispered, relieved that I could finally share all this with her, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."

I was silent for a moment and listened to the uneven beat of her heart, reveling in the meaning behind the uneven thumps.

"But jealousy…" I continued, "it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I felt the anger again and shook my head.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she groaned."Of course."

"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked incredulously.

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh."

"But honestly," her voice was teasing now, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie - Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie - was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"

"There's no competition." I smiled at her and pulled her arms around me so that her face was leaning against my chest.

"I know there's no competition," she mumbled against my shirt. "That's the problem."

"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me," I said seriously, wondering if I'd be able to explain how much she means to me. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered, "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

"You're right," I agreed, amused at her conclusion. "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I stroked her wet hair down her back to her waist. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity…what's that worth?"

"Very little - I don't feel deprived of anything," she responded in the same teasing tone, but I abruptly felt the seriousness of what we were talking about.

"Not yet," I said, not wanting to think about how long she would feel this way. How long I could enjoy being near her before she would change her mind about me. Before she would see how much she would miss by loving me and want something more.

She tried to pull away from my hug just when I heard Charlie moving up the stairs with his mind thinking of Bella. "What -" she started to stay.

I released her and disappeared into the closet. "Lie down!" I hissed.

She caught herself before landing face first into the bed and laying back on her pillow, curled up under her quilt. The door creaked open and Charlie peered into the room. I rolled my eyes at the way Bella was exaggerating the movement of her breaths, but her father seemed to be fairly certain she wasn't up to anything. Never-the-less, when I saw him close the door, I heard the protective fatherly tone of his thoughts as he went down the stairs and outside to her truck.

I went to Bella's bed, sliding quietly under the covers near her. Her back was towards me and I wrapped my arm around her waist, leaning close to her ear.

"You are a terrible actress -" I whispered, "I'd say that career path is out for you."

"Darn it," she muttered and smiled slightly.

Her heart was racing again and I hummed her lullaby to help her calm down. She rolled onto her back and I moved my left arm from around her waist, so that the weight of it wouldn't bother her. I was still humming when I paused, wondering if she was ready to fall asleep. "Should I sing you to sleep?"

"Right," she chuckled. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time."

"But I didn't know you were here," she pointed out.

"So if you don't want to sleep…," I started to say and then was distracted when I heard her breath catch in her throat.

"If I don't want to sleep…?"

I chuckled, "What do you want to do then?"

She was quiet, staring up at the ceiling.

I was laying on my side, watching her as she contemplated. It was dark enough in the room now that I didn't think she could see me the way I could see her. Of course, I could think of a few things to do, like kissing her again for instance, but I wanted to know what she was thinking without my interference.

"I'm not sure," she finally said.

"Tell me when you decide," I said sliding my nose along her jaw line again and inhaling her sweet scent.

"I thought you were desensitized," she said.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered into her neck. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender…or freesia," I said. I didn't think I could ever find a perfect comparison. "It's mouthwatering."

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell," she said facetiously.

I chuckled and then sighed in contentment.

"I've decided what I want to do," she told me suddenly. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything."

I propped my head up with my right hand so I could see her face. Her expression showed concentration for a moment as she stared at the ceiling, then she said, "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you…are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do," she added quickly. "I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

I deliberated a moment. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others- the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot - they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above - to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

She didn't move for a few minutes and I finally whispered, "Did you fall asleep?"

"No."

"Is that all you were curious about?" I wondered at her silence.

"Not quite," she said, sounding like there was a lot more that she wanted to ask.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Why can you read minds - why only you? And Alice, seeing the future…why does that happen?"

I shrugged. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory…he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified - like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, where she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her…tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness," I chuckled. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him - calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

She was quiet for a moment again and I waited for her to ask another question.

"So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"

"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal with the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight -" her voice was teasing, "I'm the baby seal, right?"

"Right." I laughed and leaned forward kissing the side of her head.

She was quiet for a moment again. "Are you ready to sleep?" I asked, "Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two."

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I smiled, wondering how many days this bliss could last.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" Her voice was uncertain, "You are mythical, after all."

"I won't leave you," I promised and carefully slid my right arm under her neck so she could rest her head on my shoulder.

"One more, then, tonight…" She blushed, warmth emanating from her face against my shoulder.

"What is it?" I asked, wondering what she would want to ask me that made her so uncomfortable.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

"Bella, you can ask me anything."

She didn't speak and I groaned.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse."

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" I wasn't above begging.

She shook her head.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume It's something much worse than it is," I said darkly, wondering if she wanted to ask me what human blood tasted like or the mechanics of becoming a vampire. No matter how bad it was I needed to know what she was thinking. "Please?" I said again, hoping my voice was persuasive enough.

"Well," she said hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…Is that…marriage…the same as it is for humans?"

I laughed, understanding what she was hinting at and was relieved that this was a pretty simple question to answer. "Is that what you're getting at?"

She just fidgeted, still embarrassed I surmised.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I said, still laughing softly. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

"Oh," was her only response, but she was still tense and her heart hadn't slowed to a normal pace yet.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"

"Well, I did wonder…about you and me… someday…"

My teasing mood turned serious when I realized what she was really getting at.

"I don't think that…that…would be possible for us." Now It was my turn to feel uncomfortable, but for a different reason.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that…close?" she asked blushing again.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I gently placed my left hand on her flushed cheek, saying quietly, "If I were too hasty…if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize

how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

She didn't say anything to this and I began to worry that she was finally afraid of me. "Are you scared?" I asked.

After a moment she evenly said, "No. I'm fine."

I thought of something then and wondered if she'd mind my asking her, "I'm curious now, though," I said, trying to make my tone sound easygoing. "Have you ever…?"

"Of course not." She said quickly, her face grew warm again from another blush. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," she sighed and leaned into me.

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I was glad there wasn't anything real for me to be jealous about. If I felt such anger towards Mike's fantasies and pathetic attempts to ask Bella out, I doubted I would be able to handle something that really happened in her past.

"Your human instincts…," she began, and I waited while she deliberated. "Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?"

I laughed and rumpled her damp hair.

"I may not be human, but I am a man," I assured her, thinking of how so many woman were needlessly concerned about being able to attract men, and Bella, to me, was more beautiful than any woman I'd ever known.

She yawned widely then, and I knew it was time for her to sleep.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."

"I'm not sure if I can."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" she said too loudly. Charlie didn't notice however, so I just laughed quietly at her reaction and began to hum her lullaby softly by her ear. I didn't want to tell her that it was her song until I could play it for her tomorrow, if she agreed to come to my house.

She fell asleep swiftly and wasn't as restless as most nights when I'd watched her sleep. It was comforting to realize that I could help her fall asleep. I kept holding her, humming and lightly stroking her hair away from her face until it was completely dry.

After a while, she began to twitch slightly and I wondered what she was dreaming. Then, she said my name as she had so many nights before. It meant even more after all we'd come through today, but I felt that same swell of joy when I knew again that she was dreaming of me.

"Edward," she mumbled again and snuggled closer, pushing her nose under the collar of my shirt, then sighed, "I love you."

For a moment, I heard no other sound but her breathing and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat. I felt as if my own dead heart would restart at the shock of her unconscious declaration. Realizing I was holding my breath, I lost the ability to move my limbs. Her words repeated over and over in my mind - as if she were repeating them to me. In every action today, she told me that she loved

me, but to hear the words, undiluted, coming straight from her subconscious, was more amazing than any other part of this incredible day.

Bella loved me.

I've always felt so unworthy of her, yet, remarkably, she has given me her love. No matter how long she is able to love me, even if it were only for this one day, it would be far beyond what I could have imagined. She felt like the other half of myself that I didn't know I was missing, fitting perfectly into my side as she slept. Her soft delicate frame seemed to melt into my ribs as if she were made to be by my side.

And Bella loved me.

So unlikely, so impossible, yet somehow true. I imagined her voice in my mind again, declaring her love, and I felt as if my ribs wouldn't be able to contain the pressure of my swelling chest. Never before had I felt so completely filled, so overcome by a human emotion. During this day, I'd come to realize that the desire I had for her blood and the desire for her love were equal, but now I knew, impossible as it was, that one had grown stronger than even the other.

I inhaled her scent, no longer thinking of it as a torment like I did at first. I was grateful. Thankful for the pain burning in my throat, because it meant that she existed.

Bella is my life.

Existence without her was no longer a possibility. Bella was the sun of my universe, yet she loved me. I let the realization sink into my limbs until my imagined paralysis left my fingers tingling and I could move my arms again. I held her more closely and stroked her hair away from her ear.

"Bella," I whispered, "I love you too."

The Cullens - 17

I held Bella for several hours just stroking her hair, counting her heartbeats, and breathing in her torturously sweet smell. There wasn't a possibility that I could grow tired of doing this, but when Bella was deeply asleep and it was very early morning, she began to shiver. Slipping carefully away from her, I got an extra blanket from the hall closet as I'd done once before and tucked it around her before leaving out the window.

I felt too euphoric to notice anything around me as I raced home, and when I got to the house and ran into the main room my family was waiting for me. Well, all of them, but one. Rosalie was upstairs very obviously trying to not even think of me. In between the ideas she was crowding her mind with, to tweak Emmett's jeep, a few expletives directed at me slipped through her mind. I ignored her as best as I could.

Alice beamed, dancing across the room to me, Now everything will be perfect, and I can talk to her now right? She hugged me quickly and said, "I told them that you would bring her back alive."

I laughed and saw myself in all of their minds as they watched me and knew that my wide grin looked idiotic. Alice had told them that I'd kissed her and I felt embarrassed when I heard the admiration for my self-control in their minds, but I couldn't care right now. I was too happy.

Esme's dimpled face was glowing and she was, quite possibly, even happier for me than I felt for myself at the moment.

"Jasper has to wrestle with Emmett whenever he wants for the next week," Alice continued gleefully, "And Emmett's jeep will soon be a bit more powerful, and…"

"Yes, yes," I interrupted her. "I have no idea why anyone would bet against you, Alice."

Emmett chuckled. You're insane, bro. He shrugged and pointed out, "I took a chance on your lunacy, and it paid off."

"Emmett!" Esme swatted his arm. "Edward is not a lunatic, don't say things like that." She was too happy about me to scold with any force and failed miserably, laughing instead.

I was slightly surprised that even Jasper had bet against what Alice had seen, but I knew it made him feel better in an odd way, that I was struggling so much right now. Of course, he could have easily won the bet even with what she saw. I looked over at Jasper by the glass wall as he picked up the chess boards and pieces from his latest conquest.

"Alice…" I began.

"Yes, I told them," Alice said jubilantly, "You want to bring Bella here in the morning. Don't worry. She's going to love it! And I won't have to pretend that she isn't my friend anymore. Do you think I could take her shopping soon?" Alice was bouncing on her toes as she talked.

"Slow down," Carlisle said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "If Bella decides to come here, we need to be sensitive, to ease her into this first meeting." Carlisle was thinking of ways to make Bella more comfortable when she came and wondered if they should be introduced one at a time.

"She's very interested in all of you," I said, "and seems to want to get to know more about you."

Well, I won't be here! Rosalie's thoughts shouted angrily at me before she made herself concentrate again. I didn't acknowledge her; she'd get over her jealousy soon enough.

"Bella has already met you, Carlisle," I went on, "Maybe if she saw you and Esme first it would make her the most comfortable."

Will she be afraid of us?

"I really don't know, Esme," I said, answering her thoughts, "She hardly ever seems to be afraid of anything." I shook my head. "It's like she has no sense of self-preservation at all."

Emmet chuckled. "She's just as insane as he is. I guess that's a good thing in this case."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Hardly, Emmett."

Even if Bella felt comfortable with meeting my family, I was still feeling overly protective. An accident could happen, and if I was going to protect her soul and future, I would need to make sure she would be as safe as possible. All of us posed a risk.

"When she seems comfortable with Carlisle and Esme…" I began.

"Then, Jasper and I can come meet her, right?" Alice verified, "We'll be at the top of the stairs and you can just say our names or something so we'll know when to come down." That would probably seem the most natural to her.

Jasper could almost taste the unease that was emanating from me, especially when I looked at him. Just spit it out, Edward.

Fine. "Jasper, could you keep your distance when I introduce you?"

He nodded and thought, This will be a lot easier when she's one of us.

"That's not going to happen." I growled.

"Don't worry about it, Edward," Alice said quickly, bouncing on her toes again, "We'll be ready when you bring her. Anyway, Bella will be waking up soon. You'd better change and get back over there so you can bring her here soon."

Bella was still asleep when I got back to her room. The muted morning light brightened the room gradually as I sat in my usual spot, in the rocking chair, watching her peaceful face. She began to move restlessly as the morning light grew brighter until she moaned and rolled over. Then without warning she sat up quickly.

"Oh!" She said, looking dizzy.

Every other time I had been here to watch her sleep, I always left before she woke up and I wondered if she normally woke so quickly. She looked adorable when she was sleepy, and her hair was tangled from how I'd been playing with it for most of the night. "Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it."

"Edward! You stayed!" She said, throwing herself across the room and into my lap.

"Of course." I was surprised, but it was much easier to be near her now, that her exuberance didn't bother me at all. To hold Bella again was exactly what I wanted, but she looked up at me as if she were afraid she'd moved too quickly. I laughed at her shocked expression.

I rubbed her back in small circles to help her calm down, and she laid her head against my shoulder.

She took a deep breath. "I was sure it was a dream."

"You're not that creative," I scoffed, remembering her first speculations of what she thought I could be. Superhero indeed. I rolled my eyes.

"Charlie!" She gasped, and leaping up, she rushed toward the door.

"He left an hour ago - after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

She just stood there staring at me for a moment, biting her lower lip.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," I commented and then held my arms out to her, inviting her to come back.

"I need another human minute."

"I'll wait," I said, dropping my arms.

Bella skipped from the room. Even confused as she was, I never saw her move so gracefully before, so coordinated. Her eyes were brighter this morning than any other day. I heard her turn the water on and brush her teethe. Then I heard a brush being pulled through her hair. Soon she bounded back into her room, her face was freshly washed.

"Welcome back," I said as I pulled her into my lap again and folded my arms around her.

We rocked quietly for a while just looking into each others eyes.

She looked over my face and hair as if she were memorizing me. Then she touched the collar of my shirt. "You left?" she accused.

"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in - what would the neighbors think?"

Her lower lip popped out, pouting adorably. Apparently, my joke wasn't appreciated.

"You were very deeply asleep," I said quickly to reassure her, "I didn't miss anything. The talking came earlier."

She groaned. "What did you hear?"

I looked into her eyes, all the tenderness I felt for her washing over me. "You said you loved me."

"You knew that already," she said blushing, and looked down.

"It was nice to hear, just the same."

She hid her face in my shoulder and whispered into my neck, "I love you."

"You are my life now." I simply said the truth that was now the basis of my existence.

I rocked her quietly, neither of us feeling the need to speak, until the morning light was brighter in the room and I remembered that she would need to eat soon.

"Breakfast time," I said casually.

Bella leaned away from me, clutching her throat with wide eyes. I was shocked. She couldn't possibly think I meant that.

"Kidding!" she snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"

I frowned. Maybe she was a better actress than I thought, but that was hardly the best way to prove it. "That wasn't funny."

"It was very funny, and you know it." She looked cautiously into my eyes for a moment.

I decided that even if I couldn't find humor in the topic she was making fun of, I could agree that she was quite funny at least. "Shall I rephrase? Breakfast time for the human."

"Oh, okay," she said lightly.

I decided it was my turn to tease her, so I threw her gently over my shoulder, carried her down the stairs, and into the kitchen. She protested the whole way, much to my amusement. I sat her up in one of the chairs at the table.

"What's for breakfast?" she asked sweetly.

"Er, I'm not sure." I admitted, wishing that I'd paid more attention to the food network channel. "What would you like?" I remembered her telling me that she liked fried eggs, but I realized that I had no idea how to cook them. I decided then that this was a good time in my life to learn a new skill.

She hopped up and grinned at me. "That's all right, I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt."

I sat down at the table and watched her hunt up a bowl of cereal and pour milk over it. It didn't look like it contained much nutritional substance. She grabbed a spoon and came back to the table. I wondered if I should add a study of nutritional foods to my knew project of learning to cook. Anything to improve her health and keep her well was important after all.

Bella paused before taking a bite and said, "Can I get you anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Just eat, Bella."

As she ate I watched each movement of her arm and mouth. It was oddly fascinating to see her eating, graceful in a way. I hadn't noticed before how the corners of her mouth puckered slightly as

she chewed. Her lips were shaped like a strawberry as her chin moved up and down in rhythm. I never saw a human look so lovely while they ate, though perhaps it was just because I'd never paid attention before.

She swallowed, blushing slightly and asked, "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Hmmm…" I wondered what would be the best way to ask her. "What would you say to meeting my family?"

She gulped.

"Are you afraid now?" I asked hopefully, it would be easier to protect her if she was.

"Yes," she admitted, her eyes were wide with fright.

"Don't worry. I'll protect you." I said to assure her and myself.

"I'm not afraid of them," she scoffed. "I'm afraid they won't… like me. Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone…like me…home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know" - I smiled ruefully - "on whether I'd bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that."

"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that."

"You paid attention," I smiled approvingly.

"I've been known to do that every now and then." She grimaced and asked, "So did Alice see me coming?"

"Something like that," I said, looking away from her so she couldn't see how the memory of Alice's visions upset me. After a moment I tried to change the subject. Abruptly turning to her, I asked, "Is that any good?" I couldn't imagine that it was. It mainly smelled like cardboard and sugar. "Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly…" she murmured.

I frowned at how she could so easily accept my way of life. It wasn't natural.

She ate more quickly, the pucker appeared between her eye-brows as she contemplated something.

I stood up and stared out the back window, thinking about how often I'd be hanging around her house. I smiled at her, saying, "And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

"He already knows you," she pointed out.

"As your boyfriend, I mean."

She stared at me suspiciously. "Why?"

"Isn't that customary?" I know the times have changed, but why did it always bother her when I suggested that Charlie be aware of my interest?

"I don't know," she admitted and looked confused. "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to…I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."

"I'm not pretending." I smiled patiently, and sat down again across the table from her.

She pushed the leftover cereal crumbs around with her spoon, biting her lower lip, and saying nothing.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" I demanded, wondering why this conversation was so difficult for her.

"Is that what you are?" Her expression was slightly pained.

"It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy,' I'll admit." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"I was under the impression that you were something more actually," she confessed, blushing at the table.

"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details." I reached across the table and lifted her chin gently so I could see her eyes. "But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

"Will you be?" she asked anxiously. "Will you really be here?"

"As long as you want me," I assured her.

"I'll always want you," she said eagerly. "Forever."

I got up and walked around the table looking at her eager expression. I stood near her and gently stroked her cheek. I could see she meant what she was saying. She meant what she said right now anyway, but I knew she wouldn't always feel this way. It was just a matter of time before it was too much and she chose another path.

"Does that make you sad?" she asked.

I couldn't answer. I was lucky to have even this short time with her. To have her love at all, no matter how long it lasted, was more than I deserved. Looking deeply into her eyes I was sure I could see into her soul. So beautiful, so pure. I could never take her soul away from her just for my own selfishness. And that is what it would be. I told myself. Just selfishness. She doesn't really want this. She said "forever" so easily, but how could she have any idea what eternity feels like?

Finally I was able to compose myself and ask, "Are you finished?"

"Yes," she said, jumping up.

"Get dressed - I'll wait here."

I was having a hard time shaking my melancholy mood as Bella changed upstairs in her room, but when she'd finished and I saw her at the top of the stairs, my mind changed gears immediately.

"Okay," she announced. "I'm decent." And she skipped down the stairs so quickly that she ran right into me at the bottom of them.

I steadied her and held her away from me for a moment to look at her. She was wearing a long, tan-colored skirt and the dark blue blouse that I'd complemented once before. She looked exquisitely feminine, the shade of blue made her skin look like honey and cream, and her blouse clung to her slight shape like a flower petal. She had pulled her hair back and it accentuated the curve of her neck.

I drew her close to me and whispered in her ear, "Wrong again. You are utterly indecent - no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

"Tempting how?" she asked, sounding concerned. "I can change…"

I sighed realizing that she had no idea what I meant and shook my head. "You are so absurd." I pressed my lips to her forehead and breathed in the floral scent of her hair.

"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" I suggested, slowly tracing my fingers down her spine. As if the way she dressed could change effect a vampires desire for her blood. No, she was tempting me in a far more human way. My breath sped as I pulled her closer to me and tilted my head down to press my lips gently to hers.

And then she collapsed in my arms.

"Bella?" I couldn't understand what just happened. Did her heart suddenly stop for no reason?

"You…made…me…faint," she accused dizzily.

"What am I going to do with you?" I groaned, exasperated. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"

She laughed weakly while I held her up.

"So much for being good at everything," I sighed and shook my head.

"That's the problem," she said faintly. "You're too good. Far, far too good."

"Do you feel sick?" I asked remembering the other times when she'd felt faint.

"No - that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." She shook her head, her tone sounding apologetic. "I think I forgot to breathe."

"I can't take you anywhere like this," I said, exasperated. Bella was so fragile, how could I expect her to handle meeting all of my family.

"I'm fine," she insisted. "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"

I looked at her for a moment, gauging if she really was well enough to go, and again I was struck by her loveliness. "I'm very partial to that color with your skin." My sudden compliment made her blush, emphasizing the truth to my words.

"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" she asked quickly.

"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

"That's right," she said immediately.

I shook my head and said truthfully. "You're incredible."

Bella didn't protest when I helped her into the passenger side of her truck, insisting that I drive again. I held her hand as I drove and thought again about how fragile humans were. She "forgets" to breathe and faints. I shook my head and decided I needed to be even more careful in the future, wondering what her reaction to my family would be. She never reacted in a way that I expected. It wasn't natural, but she just became all the more fascinating to me. Of anyone that I'd ever met, she was definitely the one in need of the most protection. At first I thought it was mainly protection from me that she needed, then I realized a natural disaster or a sadistic human or a random accident anything could hurt her. Now I began to wonder if she really wasn't really a magnet for danger or extremely unlucky. No, it wasn't some outside force, she just had no idea what was good for her, and she didn't seem to care at all! I felt a little angry that she cared so little for herself when I loved her so deeply. I couldn't stand the thought of her being hurt or getting sick, or…

"forgetting" to breathe… I sighed and began to listen closely to each of her breaths, taking note of how often she breathed in and out as she sat quietly next to me. I was already attune to her heartbeats, but I made myself listen even more closely. Soon I would be able to recognize her heart from miles away.

As I turned onto the winding driveway to the house, Bella grew more excited, her heart rate sped slightly and she leaned where she sat, trying to see around the next curve in the road.

Her eyes grew wide as she looked over our large house. "Wow."

"You like it?" I smiled at her expression.

"It …has a certain charm."

I pulled the end of her ponytail and chuckled, guessing what she might have been expecting, and then went around the truck to open her door. "Ready?" I asked.

"Not even a little bit - let's go." She chocked on a laugh and nervously smoothed her hair back. So needlessly worried about what they would think of her.

"You look lovely." I took her hand and led her across the porch. She still seemed nervous so I rubbed gentle circles on the back of her hand with my thumb, and slowly opened the door.

Carlisle and Esme were waiting on the raised floor next to the grand piano, but Bella didn't notice them right away. She gazed appreciatively around the large room, looking surprised.

Oh, dear, Esme though, listen to her heart race. I hope we don't frighten her too much.

I looked at Esme and barely smiling, shook my head slightly. I didn't think Bella was afraid of them in that way, but I was so often surprised by her reactions that I knew it was wise for them to be cautious.

When Bella noticed them standing in the room, they smiled at her and I said, "Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella."

"You're very welcome, Bella," Carlisle said and stepped carefully toward us. He raised his hand tentatively, Bella stepped easily up to him and shook hands.

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle."

"Carlisle." She grinned and her heart rate slowed. I was relieved that she was taking this all so easily now. She's so relaxed, so at ease with him. Truly remarkable.

Esme stepped forward then and shook Bella's hand. "It's very nice to know you," she said and thought, She really isn't afraid at all, is she? Unconsciously I squeezed Bella's hand and Esme's eyes flickered down to our twined fingers. Her thoughts were barely coherent as she beamed with satisfaction.

"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you too," Bella said, and I wished she could know as I could how much they really did like her. I could tell she was genuinely excited to be there, happy to be welcomed into my life so completely. I didn't know how she was doing it, but she was acting as if we were just a normal family. Maybe that was really how she saw us.

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked, knowing of course that they were waiting for me to say their names before appearing. Besides that, Alice's excited thoughts had been buzzing in the back of my mind even before we'd turned onto the driveway.

"Hey, Edward!" Alice called from the top of the stairs.

Where are we. Jasper chuckled as hefollowed behind Alice. Right, real funny, Edward.

Alice raced down then, too impatient to walk at a human pace. "Hi, Bella!" Alice bounced up to her, and to everyone's astonishment, she leaned over and kissed Bella on the cheek. Bella was clearly surprised but didn't appear to be bothered by it. Welcome to the family, Alice thought cheerfully and I instinctively tightened my grip on Bella's hand as Alice's mind flicked briefly to the vision that she'd had of Bella as a newborn vampire their arms around each other as best friends. I stiffened, trying to control the outburst I knew would happen if I allowed myself to acknowledge Alice's thoughts. She was determined to just be herself, and said easily, "You do smell nice, I never noticed before."

Bella blushed, but didn't seem to be bothered by Alice's exuberance.

Carlisle and Esme, however, were shocked at her behavior, and as they took in Bella's expression, realizing that she wasn't afraid their thoughts were even more surprised that Bella was handling this so well.

Jasper slowly came down to join us. I could tell he was taking in the atmosphere, surprised by how relaxed it felt given the events he'd just witnessed.

I'm fine, Edward. Really, he thought, sensing my nervousness. Trust me, Alice would never forgive me if I did anything to mess this up. Jasper let a wave of calm wash over the room.

I looked at him skeptically.

What? Even if she doesn't need it, you do.

He was right. I was more worried than Bella was, and I knew I needed to relax. Enjoy this time instead of freaking out.

"Hello, Bella," Jasper said, but didn't offer to shake her hand.

"Hello, Jasper." Bella smiled shyly at him and then smiled at the others, saying, "It's nice to meet you all - you have a very beautiful home."

"Thank you. We're so glad that you came." Esme was literally beaming at Bella. So brave, so at home with him, she thought. Now if Emmett and Rosalie would only have stayed to meet her…Her thoughts trailed off, longing to have all of her family together. I realized then that Esme already thought of Bella as her daughter.

Carlisle looked pointedly at me then and told me of Alice's latest vision of some visitors coming, he didn't want to say it out loud, afraid that it would scare Bella. I nodded slightly, wondering if Bella had noticed the exchange, but she was looking at my piano thoughtfully.

Esme was watching Bella's face, she thought that her expression was longing for some reason. "Do you play?" she asked.

"Not at all." Bella shook her head. "But it's beautiful. Is it yours?"

"No," she laughed."Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"

Bella glared narrowly at me. "No. I should have known, I guess."

Esme was confused and raised her eyebrows, questioningly.

"Edward can do everything, right?" Bella tried to explain.

Jasper snickered at Bella's sweeping statement and Esme, looking sternly at me, said, "I hope you haven't been showing off - it's rude,"

I laughed at her trying to scold me, when she would like nothing better than for me to show off some more. "Just a bit," I confirmed.

She is a smart girl. I knew she would be able to see what a catch you are.

"He's been too modest, actually," Bella said, she seemed to be trying to defend me but there was no need.

"Well, play for her." Esme's hints weren't usually subtle.

"You just said showing off was rude," I teased.

"There are exceptions to every rule," she said quickly.

"I'd like to hear you play," Bella commented, stepping toward the piano.

"It's settled then." Esme pushed me towards the piano bench and was practically bursting with her motherly pride as she watched Bella sit down next to me.

I looked at Bella and smiled with exasperation before letting go of her hand and turning to the keys. Beginning with Esme's favorite, a tribute to her and Carlisle's love, I watched Bella through their minds. They all chuckled quietly when her mouth fell open and her eyes grew wide as she listened.

Turning to her casually I winked, asking, "Do you like it?"

"You wrote this?" she gasped.

I just nodded and shrugged. "It's Esme's favorite."

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant."

I didn't want her to feel bad in any way. The only reason I was able to play so well was because I had a century of practice to my name and no other good way to spend my time. She was my inspiration now, and the most significant part of my life.

Transitioning from Esme's song, I changed keys easily and began to play Bella's Lullaby. It was slower, less complicated, and I hoped that it would make her feel more comfortable. My family had one by one been slipping away, and Esme was the last to leave, but I wasn't paying much attention to their thoughts now. I glanced at the bottle cap still sitting on top of the piano and wondered if Bella would notice it there and be curious.

"You inspired this one," I said quietly. Her eyes softened and she inhaled as if she could smell the sweetness in the music. I had never played it as well as I did at this moment. My inspiration was sitting next to me and she was the one that brought the song, and myself, to life.

After a moment I said, "They like you, you know." I hoped to ease her mind, such a silly worry. "Esme especially."

She looked behind us at the empty room. "Where did they go?"

"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose."

"They like me." She sighed. "But Rosalie and Emmett…" she trailed off and the pucker between her eyebrows came back while she bit her lower lip.

I frowned. "Don't worry about Rosalie." It annoyed me that she couldn't put her vanity aside to even be civil to Bella, but what bothered me most was that it seemed to worry Bella so much. "She'll come around." I assured her.

She pursed her lips. "Emmett?"

"Well, he thinks I'm a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you. He's trying to reason with Rosalie."

"What is it that upsets her?"

I listened to Emmett's progress as he spoke with her in the garage. Rosalie was busy with his jeep and doing her best to ignore his reasoning. I sighed deeply. "Rosalie struggles the most with…with what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth. And she's a little jealous."

"Rosalie is jealous of me?" Her tone was incredulous and she looked as if she were trying to do a complicated math problem in her head.

"You're human." I shrugged. "She wishes that she were, too." That was the main problem at least.

"Oh," she mumbled. "Even Jasper, though…"

"That's really my fault," I interrupted, "I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."

"Esme and Carlisle…?" she asked quickly.

"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me… She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction."

"Alice seems very…enthusiastic."

"Alice has her own way of looking at things," I said, pressing my lips together, I vowed again to do everything I could to keep her vision from coming to pass.

"And you're not going to explain that, are you?"

She was always too observant, but I wasn't going to explain Alice's vision. She would want "forever" to happen now and the less she knew the better. I would never allow it, and I was not about to give her any more ideas than she already had. We stared each other down for a few minutes until she broke the silence.

"So what was Carlisle telling you before?"

"You noticed that, did you?" Why was I even surprised?

She shrugged. "Of course."

I stared at her for a few minutes wondering if it would be wise to tell her what Carlisle had said. It might scare her, but then I've been wrong before, yet if it did scare her I doubted that would be a bad thing. She needed a healthy dose of fear. "He wanted to tell me some news - he didn't know if it was something I would share with you."

"Will you?" she asked hopefully.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little…overbearingly protective over the next few days - or weeks - and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here, and they're curious."

"Visitors?" Bella looked confused.

"Yes…well, they aren't like us, of course - in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone."

She shivered.

"Finally, a rational response!" I muttered. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."

She ignored my comment and looked around the large room again.

"Not what you expected, is it?"

"No," she admitted.

"No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs…what a disappointment this must be for you," I continued glancing up from the keys slyly.

"It's so light…so open," she said, ignoring my teasing, so I answered seriously.

"It's the one place we never have to hide." I thought of the way my life had to be and how very little she understood of it. She saw the human charade and couldn't see the reality, the struggles we all have to live with. I had continued to play her song while we spoke and now seemed like an appropriate time to end it. The major key reverting to the miner, fitting my melancholy thoughts, and reminding me where our love story was bound to end. The last note, unresolved, hung in the air suspended like a tear. When I looked at Bella again there were real tears in her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered, and quickly dabbed at her wet face, blushing.

Before she could remove them all, I reached up to the corner of her eye and caught one on my finger. I examined it closely, wishing again for the impossible. I wished I could cry as she could, that I were human, and we could grow old together. Have children and grandchildren. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity, but suddenly, I wanted to experience her tears. Without thinking, I quickly put the tear in my mouth to taste it.

Bella's heart rate sped slightly and I stared at her for a moment wondering if I'd offended her. Her eyes were only full of questions though and I finally smiled. Not particularly wanting to explain what I'd just been thinking about, I changed the subject.

"Do you want to see the rest of the house?"

"No coffins?" she verified sarcastically, but seeming anxious.

I laughed and took her hand again as I lead her away from the piano and into the rest of the house. "No coffins," I promised.

As we walked up the stairs, Bella gazed appreciatively at the light wood paneling and floors. Tracing her hand up the railing as we walked. When we were at the top of the stairs I gave a quick commentary for our tour and gestured at the doors that we passed. "Rosalie and Emmett's room… Carlisle's office… Alice's room…" I would have continued with my commentary, but she stopped at

the end of the hallway and stared at the wall above us. I chuckled when I realized she was staring at Carlisle's cross.

"You can laugh," I told her kindly. I didn't want her to worry about offending me. "It is sort of ironic."

Curiosity was written all over her face. "It must be very old," she said wonderingly.

"Early sixteen-thirties, more or less." I shrugged.

She looked away from it, staring incredulously at me. "Why do you keep this here?"

"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father."

"He collected antiques?" her voice sounded doubtful.

"No. He carved this himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."

I watched her closely as she processed this new piece of information. Now she really was doing a math problem in her head, and I waited for her to speak. She stared at me for a long time, then let her gaze drift back to the cross. Her eyes had taken on a new expression, one I wasn't expecting and didn't fully understand. She seemed to be having some internal struggle and she was so quiet that I started to worry.

"Are you all right?"

"How old is Carlisle?" Bella whispered, still staring at the cross.

"He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty-second birthday."

She looked at me then with so many questions behind her eyes that I immediately began to explain.

"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though."

Her face showed no sign of distress at this information so I continued.

"He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves… and vampires." Bella was so absorbed that she was practically frozen in front of me, staring into my face like she couldn't take in a sufficient amount of information fast enough to answer her questions. I continued swiftly.

"They burned a lot of innocent people - of course the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch.

"When the pastor grew old, he placed his obedient son in charge of the raids. At first Carlisle was a disappointment; he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived.

"The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course" - I laughed darkly at the absurdity of it - "and waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."

My voice grew quieter as I thought of Carlisle's memories, vivid in his mind even 300 years later. In the beginning, it was despair that had made him cling so desperately to his human memories.

"He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets, and Carlisle - he was twenty-three and very fast - was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so he turned and attacked. He fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street."

I paused thinking through the next part of the story. I knew exactly how many times Carlisle had been bitten. It was unfortunate, not only for Carlisle but for myself, since he'd used the details of his change as a model for how to change me. Bella noticed my hesitation and looked as if she knew I was keeping something from her, so I quickly went on, skipping the details of how he was changed.

"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned - anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered.

"It was over then, and he realized what he had become."

Bella was so still that I was afraid she might forget to breathe again. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she said, biting her lower lip.

I smiled at her. "I expect you have a few more questions for me." As she always did.

"A few."

My smile grew wider when I saw how eager her expression was compared to the words she chose, and I led her back through the hallway to Carlisle's office. "Come on, then," I encouraged. "I'll show you."

Carlisle -18

Carlisle had, of course, heard our entire conversation, but I paused outside his office door for a moment, waiting politely for an invitation.

"Come in," he said aloud, for Bella's benefit.

When I opened the door, Bella inhaled quickly and I watched her gaze as she looked up at the towering book shelves.

Carlisle was sitting at his desk, always studying, bettering himself; he put a ribbon in the thick book that he held. "What can I do for you?" he said, rising and smiling at Bella. She has her own thirst for knowledge, I can see it in her eyes, he thought, glancing briefly at me before looking back at Bella.

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history, actually."

"We didn't mean to disturb you," Bella said apologetically. Needlessly worried again, but I knew that Carlisle couldn't be happier to share any knowledge he had with her, to make her feel more at home and know us better. He already thought of Bella as a daughter just as Esme had.

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" He said glancing at the framed paintings on the wall behind us.

"The Waggoner," I said excited now, and I put my hand on Bella's shoulder, spinning her around to look at the wall of pictures. Her heart quickened as it always did whenever I touched her.

Carlisle noticed the change of course and was amused. You have quite an effect on her, he thought.

Bella scanned the large and small paintings checkered over the wall. Her expression looked overwhelmed, as if she didn't know where to look first. I nudged her to the left and pointed out the smallest painting. "London in the sixteen-fifties," I said.

"The London of my youth," Carlisle added. Bella flinched slightly at the sound of his voice so near to us. She was so easily startled, always endearing in an odd way. I squeezed her hand reassuringly.

Bella examined the painting closely, her eyes glancing over the slanted roofs and spires of the city, the wide river in the foreground, and the tower encrusted bridge.

I glanced at Carlisle. "Will you tell the story?"

Bella looked over her shoulder to look at him too, curiosity flickering in her eyes.

"I would, but I'm actually running a bit late. The hospital called this morning - Dr. Snow is taking a sick day. Besides, you know the stories as well as I do" He said, and thought, She might be more comfortable hearing the stories from you, regardless. Carlisle smiled at Bella again before leaving.

I watched Bella for several minutes while she stared at the little painting. What was she thinking? She seemed so shocked when she heard how old Carlisle is. I wondered if she was starting to get a glimpse at what forever looks like.

"What happened then?" she finally asked, staring up at me. "When he realized what had happened to him?"

I looked at another painting, of a shadowed meadow in a forest, remembering his memories of that place, and how he'd tried to do away with himself. I stared at the tall cliff in the background. "When he knew what he had become, he rebelled against it," I said quietly. "He tried to destroy himself. But that's not easily done."

"How?" Bella gasped.

"He jumped from great heights," I shrugged. "He tried to drown himself in the ocean…but he was young to the new life, and very strong. It is amazing that he was able to resist…feeding…while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. But he was so repelled by himself that he had the strength to try to kill himself with starvation."

"Is that possible?"

"No, there are very few ways we can be killed." I didn't particularly want to get into just how we really can be killed, so I continued before Bella could ask the question that I could see in her eyes. "So he grew very hungry, and eventually weak. He strayed as far as he could from the human populace, recognizing that his willpower was weakening, too. For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself.

"One night, a herd of deer passed his hiding place. He was so wild with thirst that he attacked without a thought. His strength returned and he realized there was an alternative to being the vile monster he feared. Had he not eaten venison in his former life? Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again.

"He began to make better use of his time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and -"

"He swam to France?"

"People swim the Channel all the time, Bella," I pointed out, but suddenly realized that I never told her we don't need to breathe.

"That's true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on."

I'd already told her so much about myself, what was one more fact? "Swimming is easy for us -"

"Everything is easy for you," she complained.

I waited until her brief annoyance dissipated. I always found her irritation or anger humorous, it was like watching a fluffy kitten growling, adorable and harmless.

"I won't interrupt again, I promise."

I doubted she'd be able to keep that promise and chuckled. "Because, technically, we don't need to breathe."

"You -"

"No, no, you promised." I laughed and put a finger to her lips.

"You can't spring something like that on me," she mumbled against my finger, "and then expect me not to say anything."

I moved my hand to her neck under her hair, freeing her lips to talk. She was truly adorable when she was excited

"You don't have to breathe?" she demanded.

I shrugged. "No, it's not necessary. Just a habit."

"How long can you go… without breathing?"

"Indefinitely, I suppose; I don't know. It gets a bit uncomfortable - being without a sense of smell."

"A bit uncomfortable," she repeated.

Her eyes were full of such a strange look, almost of horror for a moment. She didn't say anything more. This is it, I thought sadly, it's finally too much for her. She realized that we were utterly different, that I'm an inhuman monster.

Dropping my hand from her neck, I waited quietly for her to run from me. I wouldn't try to stop her. I shouldn't stop her. I wanted her to go, yet I had to force myself to hold still, to not show any emotion on my face. The horror of my life without her was insignificant compared to her safety. Her life and humanity needed to be free from me.

I waited, willing myself to stay calm when she ran.

Gradually the strange look in her eyes softened, and then she looked wary and touched my face. "What is it?" She said quietly, only concerned in the tone of her voice.

I felt myself relax under her touch. Perhaps she was only been taken by surprise. That was understandable right? I was instantly grateful that I would have more time with her before the inevitable and sighed, "I keep waiting for it to happen."

"For what to happen?"

"I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go." I smiled sadly. "I won't stop you. I want this to

happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…" I couldn't explain any better, and just stared into her face, wondering how much more information she would be able to take.

"I'm not running anywhere," she said assuredly.

A kitten could sound just as brave, but that bravery couldn't always last. "We'll see," I smiled again, hoping for a little more time before the inevitable.

She frowned at me. "So, go on - Carlisle was swimming to France."

I looked back to the wall and pointed at the largest painting. As I stared at the sweeping robes of the Volturi standing on a marble balcony with Carlisle beside them, I remembered where we left off.

"Carlisle swam to France, and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine - and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives." Whenever I thought of Carlisle's sincerity, his passion for doing good, his ability to overcome every instinct that we have to retain his humanity, I always felt my respect for him grow. "I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to perfect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…" I remembered his memories with a new outlook. My own struggle with Bella, as hard as she was to resist she was perfectly whole and not even tempted me with a pin prick of blood. Yet, what Carlisle endured for centuries was truly remarkable. The surgeries, the bleeding people that he worked over, that he endured a painful burning torture just so that they could live. His self control staggered me. And never once did he falter. No one ever died because Carlisle became a vampire. He only brought life.

Bella shuffled next to me, pulling me back to the story that she was waiting to hear. I looked at the painting again and pointing at the figures in it. "He was studying in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers."

Looking closely at the figures I pointed out, Bella laughed quietly, recognition in her eyes as she stared at Carlisle in the painting.

"Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods," I chuckled at the absurd way humans viewed us, and pointed out the three other men in the painting. "Aro, Marcus, Caius, nighttime patrons of the arts."

"What happened to them?" Bella's voice was full of wonder as she pointed at the figures. Her finger was very close to the painting but she seemed almost afraid of touching it.

"They're still there." I shrugged. "As they have been for who knows how many millennia. Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his normal food source,' as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely, you see.

"He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity.

"When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd been turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act - since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try…" My voice had grown to a whisper, and suddenly, I couldn't say more. The memory Carlisle had of my mother, begging him to save me, as if she knew what he was. Her eyes fierce with

intensity while she spoke to him right before the fever took her life. I wondered if she knew what I would really become or if she thought Carlisle was something else. Would she have asked him to save me if she knew the truth? If she knew that by saving my life, I would lose my soul and humanity?

I shook the memories away, there was no need to think of them. I've never blamed Carlisle or my mother, they both made their choices with good intentions and wanted the best for me.

I turned back to Bella and smiled. "And so we've come full circle."

"Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?" She asked, always so curious.

"Almost always." I put my hand around her waist and pulled her through the door with me. Her eyes were still full of questions as she looked back over her shoulder to Carlisle's office, and we walked up the hallway again in silence.

"Almost?" she asked.

Of course she wouldn't be able to let it go. I sighed. I didn't want to explain why I'd left Carlisle, but she needed to know. I wouldn't allow her to be with me, to love me, under any false assumption of my goodness. A delusion that I wasn't able to cure her from. Maybe this would finally convince her.

"Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence - about ten years after I was… born… created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time." I made it sound so normal. Typical? Resented? My own thoughts loathed myself for trying to make the worst part of my life sound acceptable.

We started walking up the next flight of stairs and she turned her head looking closely at me for a moment. Apparently what I'd said had just sunk in.

"Really?" Her voice showed no sign of fear in it at all. I looked at her for a moment to be sure she wasn't just trying to hide another emotion. She only seemed intrigued.

"That doesn't repulse you?'

"No."

"Why not?" I never would be able to understand her backward reactions. I hadn't wanted to scare her too much but perhaps I should have explained just what I'd meant?

"I guess…" she paused, thinking through her answer. "It sounds reasonable."

Reasonable? I threw my head back and laughed.

It was so utterly absurd of her to think so. Most normal humans would see that part of my life as monstrous, a defection to any shred of humanity that I'd retained, but Bella thought it was reasonable.

We'd reached the top of the stairs and I grew serious again. Clearly there was something wrong with her brain, and I was glad of it. Glad for whatever it was inside of her that could accept me so well because it was good for me. Selfish, I thought, and shook my head. It's not good for her. She should understand more of that time in my life. Why she shouldn't think of it as a reasonable thing - to be a murderer.

"From the time of my new birth," I murmured, not particularly wanting to reveal these things about myself. "I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle - I could read his perfect sincerity, understanding exactly why he lived the way he did." If I couldn't read his mind I would have left right away and I knew this was just more evidence that I am the monster that Bella doesn't realize yet.

"It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be exempt from the…depression…that accompanies a conscience. Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl - if I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible."

Bella shivered slightly and I wondered if she was remembering the night in Port Angeles when she was so close to being attacked. If she was remembering how I'd been so angry that I nearly lost control. I remembered that feeling too clearly, and hated that part of myself. Letting myself be so consumed by their evil minds that I could actually enjoy their suffering. There really was no humor in that, and it certainly wasn't reasonable.

I shook my head sadly. I wanted, needed to explain the whole truth about the darkest time in my life. "But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved." I have been granted so many things and all of them were completely undeserved. Their grace has always been too much for me, but I would never stop trying to deserve their love… or Bella's.

We reached the end of the hallway on the top floor and stood in front of the door to my room. I felt suddenly bashful as I opened the door and pulled her inside.

"My room," I was unable to say anything else at the moment.

It seemed unreasonable that after everything I've told Bella about myself, the very worst things that I've done or wanted to do, that I should feel hesitant for her to know me even more. To see my room, clearly revealing my interests to her in each book title and in the shelves of records and CD's.

Bella wandered through the room, taking even the smallest detail in. She looked from the sound system to the curtained wall and down to the carpet. With her sharp eye and careful examination, I was sure that there was nothing that would escape her notice.

"Good acoustics?" she guessed right.

I nodded to her, chuckling at how observant she always was. I picked up the remote and turned on the soft jazz that I'd been listening to, so she could experience it for herself.

She walked to the shelves of music. The look in her eyes was that of a collector minutely looking at each figurine at a flee market. She examined every detail of my room, and of my life, I realized then, with such concentration, always hungry for more.

"How do you have these organized?" she asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"Ummm, by year, and then by personal preference within that frame."

I stared at her as she ran a finger across the CD titles. I was unable to identify the emotion I was feeling. She knew everything about me. I actually had no secrets from her at all anymore. Carlisle and Esme's acceptance, their love, was hard to understand, but for Bella to know everything about me, so human, so fragile, and accepting me in spite of everything was.… unbelievable.

She turned to meet my gaze. "What?"

"I was prepared to feel…relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me… happy." I shrugged and smiled feeling oddly bashful after this revelation.

"I'm glad." Her smile was sincere, but she could, of course, run screaming at something else. It did seem less likely though. How did that happen?

My smile faded though when I realized that our time together was still numbered. I wouldn't delude myself about that. She would change, grow beyond me eventually. She would run for a different reason.

"You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?" she guessed, observing my expression closely.

I barely smiled and nodded slightly.

"I hate to burst your bubble," she flipped her hair behind her shoulder, "but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually."

She was such a bad liar.

The kitten was obviously putting on a brave face in front of the lion. I grinned widely at her when I decided what I was going to do. "You really shouldn't have said that," I chuckled, and shifting suddenly into a half-crouch, I growled deeply and bared my teeth.

Bella backed away, glaring at me. "You wouldn't," she gasped.

Yes, I would.

I pounced on her, trapping her safely in my arms. Spinning us around in mid-air, my back hit the couch. It banged against the wall when we landed. Bella was gasping as she tried to squirm out of my arms.

She was hardly jostled and letting her escape was just not acceptable. I curled her up into a ball and hugged her closely. Much to my amusement, she was glaring fiercely at me with that same kittenish fury.

"You were saying?" I growled playfully again.

"That you are a very, very terrifying monster." Her tone was a sad attempt at sarcasm, but I'd at least made my point.

"Much better," I said.

"Um." She struggled in my arms. "Can I get up now?"

I just laughed, this was too much fun to let her go. I heard Alice and Jasper outside of the door now and I wanted to keep holding her even more because they would see us. The entire would could see me hugging Bella and it would feel absolutely perfect.

"Can we come in?" Alice called from the hallway.

Bella tried to wiggle free. I ignored her attempt and readjusted her so she wasn't facing me anymore, but still kept her on my lap.

"Go ahead." I chuckled while Bella blushed deeply.

When they opened the door, shock crossed Jaspers face. Wow. Unexpected. Jasper looked at me closely, sensing my emotions and relaxed after the first surprise of seeing Bella sitting unafraid and annoyed on my lap.

Alice was never surprised at anything of course, and danced into the room, sitting in front of us on the floor. "It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," she announced.

I grinned at the way Bella stiffened in my arms for an instant. Yes, teaching her a lesson was a good idea. That was a healthy response.

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," I held her closer, still ecstatic that she accepted everything about me.

"Actually," Jasper said, smiling at the irony he felt when he saw Bella's closeness and sensed my emotions. "Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?"

I was even more excited now. I was always ready for baseball because it was one of the only games they'd let me play with them, thinking I couldn't "cheat" as easily by reading their minds. Bella could come and watch, experience even more of my life. I wondered then if it would be a good idea to bring her. If it would be safe.

"Of course you should bring Bella," Alice said recognizing my hesitancy and seeing visions of the future shift as my indecision did. Our visitors won't be close enough yet to be a problem, don't worry about it.

Jasper glanced quickly at Alice, his thoughts had been in line with my own, but was assured by the confidence he felt from her.

"Do you want to go?" I asked Bella hopefully, excited at the idea of having her there.

"Sure." She looked doubtful. "Um, where are we going?"

"We have to wait for thunder to play ball - you'll see why," I promised.

"Will I need an umbrella?"

The three of us laughed. It was such a human question. We never worried about the rain when we played.

"Will she?" Jasper asked Alice.

"No. The storm will hit over town. It should be dry enough in the clearing." Alice was picturing the vision again, and I was glad to see that even the ground would be quite dry. Bella would like that.

"Good, then." Jasper's enthusiasm spread through the room as his moods often did and Bella relaxed into me, looking more eager rather than nervous as she had before.

"Let's go see if Carlisle will come." Alice bounced up, reaching to her cell phone as she took Jaspers hand.

"Like you don't know," Jasper teased her and they swiftly left the room, closing the door.

"What will we be playing?" Bella demanded. Clearly she thought we wouldn't do something so normal.

"You will be watching," I clarified. "We will be playing baseball."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Vampires like baseball?"

Why not? I feigned shock. "It's the American pastime."

The Game -19

We spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon listening to music in my room. Bella wanted to hear my favorite song from each decade of my life. I was pleased that she could

appreciate the songs that I enjoyed. I also let her hear my least favorite from each decade, well, the least favorite of what I owned. Her expressions of distaste always made me laugh.

Later in the afternoon I led Bella around the outside of the house so that she could see the river, and far too soon it was time for me to take Bella home again.

I thought it would be impossible to live through a better day than yesterday when I took her to the meadow, but today, though impossible for me to believe, actually had been better. It felt… normal to be with her.

The rain began as I drove Bella's truck toward her house. Holding her hand in my own, I thought that nothing could dampen my good mood.

And then I heard it.

I can't believe we're here. Bella's going to hate me. Stupid… superstitious old man… Not that I thought I had a chance with her before, but this sure won't help. …She probably won't even want to be friends now…

When I turned into the driveway to Bella's house I felt her stiffen as she saw the black Ford car, and I was immediately furious. Jacob Black stood behind Billy's wheel chair, pulling him farther back under the porch.

Billy's face was ridged as he glared at me. Confirmed. He's with her again… Charlie needs to know what's going on.

"Who the hell does he think he is?" I muttered too low for Bella to hear. I haven't done anything wrong, I thought angrily. What, are we not allowed to interact with humans at all? We stay off their land. They leave us alone.

"This is crossing the line," I said just loud enough for Bella to hear. I was still furious, but tried to control my voice. I didn't want to upset Bella.

"He came to warn Charlie?" she gasped, sounding horrified.

I nodded to her and glared at Billy. His thoughts were incoherent half insults and challenges. I wondered for a moment what would be the best way to handle this situation, but I felt Bella relax beside me and I hoped she would be all right if I left.

"Let me deal with this," she suggested.

"That's probably best," I knew I wasn't calm enough right now to handle the situation well, and it wasn't good for me to be near them regardless. "Be careful, though. The child has no idea."

She stiffened suddenly. "Jacob is not that much younger than I am."

I looked at her then, feeling my own anger fade as it always did when she was angry. "Oh, I know," I said, grinning at her fluffy fury.

Bella sighed and put her hand on the door handle.

"Get them inside, so I can leave. I'll be back around dusk."

"Do you want my truck?"

Right. I rolled my eyes at her. "I could walk home faster than this truck moves."

"You don't have to leave," she said wistfully.

I looked closely at her expression and smiled. She was sad to be away from me. I didn't want her to feel bad, but at the same time it pleased me that she wanted to be with me so much. "Actually, I do. After you get rid of them" -I threw a dark glance toward the porch- "you still have to prepare Charlie to meet your new boyfriend." I grinned widely, showing all of my teeth, and childishly wished that my smile would scare them, as much as it always reassured Bella.

She groaned. "Thanks a lot."

I knew Bella wasn't looking forward to telling her father about me and I wished I could stay with her, or at least be close by, or even just understand why the idea of introducing us was so upsetting to her. "I'll be back soon," I promised her as well as reassuring myself.

I hated having to leave her like this. To face the unjust scrutiny that was sure to come. I suddenly felt defiant. Perhaps it was immature, but I wanted to annoy them. It wasn't their business anyway. Flickering a glance their direction, I leaned over to Bella and quickly kissed her just under her jaw on her neck.

No! It's not right!

Get a grip old man. Jacob eyed his father as Billy gripped his wheelchair and jerked forward. People kiss all the time. Why do I have to be here? This is so embarrassing. …She's going to hate me.

I watched Bella get out of the truck. "Soon," she whispered, and jogged to the porch, ducking through the rain.

She must know what he is… Charlie should know… How could she? What if he…

"Hey, Billy. Hi, Jacob." Her voice sounded cheerful enough. I hoped it wouldn't be too hard for her to diffuse the situation. "Charlie's gone for the day - I hope you haven't been waiting long."

"Not long," Billy's voice sounded subdued, but his thoughts certainly weren't. "I just wanted to bring this up." He pointed at the brown paper bag he held.

Right, great excuse, I thought as I took in his expression. He was eyeing her as if she might transform into a vampire right in front of him. And his thoughts weren't far from believing that possibility. It was all I could do to keep myself from jumping out of the truck and carrying Bella away from his scrutiny forever. Self-righteous, interfering… but… I shouldn't interfere. It would only make her life harder.

"Why don't you come in for a minute and dry off?" Bella unlocked the door and gestured for them to go inside. "Here, let me take that," she said, reaching for the paper bag. She turned, our eyes met for an instant, and she closed the door.

Free from their scrutiny, I jumped out of the truck and raced to the woods toward home. I felt angry the entire run, and tried to reason with myself.

It's understandable that Billy Black would be concerned, right? Charlie was his friend after all. I wanted to protect Bella even more than Billy did. We had the same concerns in that way.

Then why was he so irritating? We've never come close to breaking the treaty in all these decades, yet they don't trust us. Of course they don't. They have normal reactions to what we are.

But, Bella is safe with me. I've proven that again and again to myself. Even when I thought that anything between us would be impossible. I would take myself out of her life before letting any part of my world hurt her.

Suddenly, I realized why their interference was bothering me so much. I stopped running and stood ridged at the edge of the lawn to our house.

I didn't think there was anything that he could say to Bella that would change her mind about me, but it still felt like it could shorten the time I had with her. Nothing I've told her made her run screaming, but eventually something would change. He could say something that would bother her, and regardless, she would change eventually. I only had a short time with her. I didn't want anything to come between us, not yet. This time, right now, is all I can expect to have with Bella.

Anxiety crashed over me and I knew I had to get back to her. Just as suddenly as I'd stopped, I started running again, straight to where I heard Emmett.

"Hey, can I borrow your jeep?"

"What for?" He was distracted, having a little too much fun forming lumber with his bare hand for Esme's next remodeling project. "Hey, you mind tossing that tree over here?" Emmett gestured to the doubled topped pine tree that was next to me.

I nodded to him and pulled the small fifty foot tree out of the ground. The roots were weak, and it had a familiar blue ribbon tied to it that Esme used to mark the diseased or unhealthy trees that needed to be taken out and used for other purposes.

Caber-tossing the pine to Emmett, he leapt up to meet it in the air and ran his hands along the trunk removing each branch as it came closer to the ground. In a few seconds, the naked tree lay at his feet, ready to be formed into more two by fours.

"I didn't think Bella would want to run the whole way to the clearing."

"Yeah, sure." He nodded, dropping the two by four on the other boards and brushing some saw-dust onto his jeans. Do me a favor? He thought pointedly as I reached for the keys in his pocket.

I nodded to him.

Keep Bella away from Rosalie for a while. It'll make my life easier.

"No problem." He threw me his keys as I ran to the garage.

I listened for Rosalie's thoughts as I drove away and was glad that she mainly was just determined on ignoring me. I could live with that. Anyway, I didn't need to worry about one more thing.

Thankfully, the Blacks were gone by the time I parked near Bella's house and Charlie was just walking through the door, so I wouldn't have to wait too long before seeing her again. I was grateful for the chance to at least see her through Charlie's mind.

"I put it out in the freezer." Charlie was looking at his hands covered in soap as he washed them in the sink.

"I'll go grab a few pieces before they freeze - Billy dropped off some of Harry Clearwater's fish fry this afternoon."

Ah, the contents of the paper bag.

"He did? That's my favorite."

Apparently, that was a good enough reason for someone to stop by without notice. I was glad he didn't have any other questions about why Billy had come. When he left Bella to go up stairs and clean up, I stopped paying attention to his mind and concentrated on the sounds Bella was making in the kitchen as she cooked.

Soon they were at the table eating dinner. Charlie was enjoying his food in silence, but he noticed that Bella seemed uncomfortable.

"What did you do with yourself today?"

"Well, this afternoon I just hung out around the house… And this morning I was over at the Cullens'."

Charlie's fork dropped with a clang, shock echoing through his mind.

"Dr. Cullen's place?"

"Yeah."

"What were you doing there?"

Here it comes.

"Well, I sort of have a date with Edward Cullen tonight, and he wanted to introduce me to his parents…"

Charlie's mind was full of protection and shock, pictures of Emmett flashing through his mind.

"Dad, are you all right?"

"You are going out with Edward Cullen?" He yelled, and Bella flinched.

"I thought you liked the Cullens."

"He's too old for you!"

Well, that was true, but not in the way that he thought.

"We're both juniors," Bella said evenly.

"Wait…" Charlie pictured Emmett again and Jasper and me. "Which one is Edwin?"

"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair."

"Oh, well, that's" - he struggled to calm himself- "better, I guess. I don't like the look of that big one. I'm sure he's a nice boy and all, but he looks too…mature for you. Is this Edwin your boyfriend?"

"It's Edward, Dad."

"Is he?"

"Sort of, I guess." Charlie noticed Bella's face flush.

"You said last night that you weren't interested in any of the boys in town." Charlie began eating again and his thoughts were still wary but more accepting.

"Well, Edward doesn't live in town, Dad."

He looked at Bella and I could hear the silent sarcasm in his mind.

"And, anyways, it's kind of at an early stage, you know. Don't embarrass me with all the boyfriend talk, okay?"

"When is he coming over?"

"He'll be here in a few minutes."

"Where is he taking you?" His thoughts were mainly concern for her safety.

Bella groaned. "I hope you're getting the Spanish Inquisition out of your system now. We're going to play baseball with his family."

This was the cue I was waiting for and I started the jeep. I continued to listen to their conversation as I drove around the block to their driveway.

Charlie tried not to laugh as he pictured Bella when she was a little girl hating anything to do with the outdoors or sports. "You're playing baseball?" Images of her tripping also passed through his mind.

"Well, I'll probably watch most of the time."

His humor quickly turned to suspicion. "You must really like this guy."

Charlie watched Bella closely as she rolled her eyes. He wasn't entirely convinced, but let it pass.

I parked in front of the house.

Charlie watched Bella jump up from the table and hurriedly put the dishes in the sink to wash them.

"Leave the dishes, I can do them tonight. You baby me too much."

As protective and apprehensive as he felt, even more than that, he wanted Bella to be happy. I recognized in his veiled mind those same feelings that I'd had this afternoon of wanting to cherish the short time that he had with her.

I was on the porch then and rang the door bell. I heard Charlie's loud footsteps clumping to the door.

"Come on in, Edward," he said, opening the door.

Saying my name correctly was a good sign. I smiled.

Bella was right behind him and relief spread across her face when she saw me. I felt the same way.

"Thanks, Chief Swan."

"Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I'll take your jacket."

"Thanks, sir."

"Have a seat there, Edward," he said the words casually, but there was a challenge in his thoughts. He was testing me. I chose to sit in the only chair by myself, leaving Bella to sit by her Dad on the couch. She gave me a dirty look and I winked at her when Charlie's back was turned.

Once they were seated, Charlie eyed me suspiciously, but his thoughts were somewhat approving. I'd passed the chair test.

"So I hear you're getting my girl to watch baseball."

"Yes, sir, that's the plan." Charlie's suspicion dissipated as he believed my words.

"Well, more power to you, I guess." Charlie laughed and I couldn't help laughing with him. It was a good feeling to have him approve of me

"Okay," Bella said, standing up. "Enough humor at my expense. Let's go." She walked to the hallway and threw on her jacket.

"Not too late, Bell." Her father was anxious again.

"Don't worry, Charlie, I'll have her home early."

"You take care of my girl, all right?"

Bella groaned, but the strength of Charlie's mental concern and love for her crashed over me again as it so often did. I wanted to reassure him.

"She'll be safe with me, I promise, sir."

He smiled, relieved at my tone. I realized that Charlie saw her fragility almost as much as I did, and when Bella stalked out of the house, both he and I laughed at her irritation. Harmless, endearing…

Bella jerked to a stop, still on the porch, and her mouth fell open as she took in Emmett's huge jeep.

Charlie let out an impressed whistle.

He was stunned, and only managed to choke out, "Wear your seat belts."

I followed Bella around to the passenger side of the jeep to help her up and opened the door. The pucker between her eyebrows appeared and I wondered if she was afraid of riding in it, until I saw that she was about to jump for it. I sighed, wishing she would just ask for my help. I easily lifted her with one hand up to the seat.

I had to walk slowly around the jeep because Charlie was still on the porch watching us through the heavy down-pour. By the time I was at the drivers side, Bella had the seat belts tangled up.

"What's all this?"

"It's an off-roading harness."

"Uh-oh." She looked concerned and continued to tangle the buckles up as she tried to find the right places for each to fit.

I let her fumble for a second, hoping she'd just ask for my help. When she didn't, I sighed again and reached over to help her anyway. I took more time than I needed to buckle them, enjoying the curve of her neck and the shape of her collarbone. The time we were apart had been relatively short, but it felt far too long.

It wasn't till after I'd started the jeep and pulled away from the house that Bella said anything more.

"This is a…um…big Jeep you have."

"It's Emmett's. I didn't think you'd want to run the whole way."

"Where do you keep this thing?"

"We remodeled one of the outbuildings into a garage."

"Aren't you going to put on your seat belt?"

I looked at her, unable to believe that she could ask that after all she knew. The jeep was in far more danger of my body hurting it, rather than anything it could do to me. Besides, it's not like I'd crash it into anything to begin with.

Suddenly, her eyes were huge. "Run the whole way?" Her voice growing higher as she started to panic. "As in, we're still going to run part of the way?"

I grinned. "You're not going to run."

"I'm going to be sick."

"Keep your eyes closed, you'll be fine."

She bit her lip, anxiety and panic clouding her face.

I leaned over to her, hoping to calm her down, and kissed the top of her head. I groaned and I leaned away, her wet hair smelled intoxicating, delicious, desirable. My throat burned more strongly.

She looked at me questioningly.

"You smell so good in the rain," I explained.

"In a good way, or in a bad way?" she asked cautiously.

I sighed. "Both, always both."

Bella was quiet as I turned onto the path leading up the mountain. It was always fun driving Emmett's jeep. It could drive practically over anything, which was good in this case because most people wouldn't consider this path a road. Bella bounced up and down in her seat, still looking nervous. I however, felt ecstatic to have her with me and couldn't stop smiling for the entire trip.

The rain was slowly dissipating as we got closer to our final destination and soon we couldn't drive any farther.

"Sorry, Bella, we have to go on foot from here."

"You know what?" she said quickly. "I'll just wait here."

"What happened to all your courage? You were extraordinary this morning."

"I haven't forgotten the last time yet."

She looked like she wanted to glue herself to the seat, so I raced around to her side and started unbuckling her.

"I'll get those," she tried to push my hands away, "you go on ahead."

"Hmmm…," This was going to be a bit harder than I thought. I quickly finished unbuckling her and said, "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory." I pulled her out of the jeep and lightly set her down. For her sake I was very glad that it was barely misting now.

"Tamper with my memory?" she asked nervously.

"Something like that." I was amused at her response. As if I really might be able to manipulate someone's memory. No, there was a better way that I had in mind. I placed my hands against the jeep on either side of her head. She pressed her back into the vehicle as I leaned closer, my face only inches from hers.

I whispered, "Now, what exactly are you worrying about?"

She looked a little disoriented. "Well, um, hitting a tree-" she gulped "-and dying. And then getting sick."

I tried not to smile at her convoluted answer and just leaned down to kiss the soft hollow at the base of her throat. "Are you still worried now?" I murmured against her skin.

"Yes." She struggled to say, "About hitting trees and getting sick."

I brushed my nose up her neck to the point of her chin, breathing in her heavenly scent. "And now?" I whispered against her jaw.

"Trees," she gasped. "Motion sickness."

I drew my face up to kiss her eye lids. "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"

"No, but I might." Her voice sounded less sure and I could see this type of mental tampering was working quite well. I was enjoying it too.

I kissed slowly down her cheek to the corner of her mouth. It felt as if that electric current between us would leave a trail under my lips. "Would I let a tree hurt you?" I said, brushing my lips against her trembling lower lip.

"No," she breathed, relaxing slightly.

"You see," I said as I brushed my lips against hers. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"

"No," she sighed, her sweet breath washed over my face, and she seemed to give up any further argument.

Her surrender was too much to resist.

I took her face in my hands less gently than I should, and kissed her with more force than I'd allowed before. I felt more human in that one moment than I could have dreamed. The hum of electricity between us pulsed through her lips into my own. She threw her arms around my neck and pressed herself against the length of my body, kissing back fiercely. Every hair follicle on the back of my head that her fingers brushed against felt separately drawn to her warmth, as if magnetized to the iron in her blood. When she pressed her soft frame against me, the pulsing electricity from our lips moved deeply into my chest as if my heart had been shocked to life and beat again. The throbbing spread down my leg to my toes, and I desperately wanted to hold her tighter. Her lips parted against mine and she sighed. Inhaling her breath, I could taste her sweetness.

I almost lost control of my mind, but not in the way that I had before. I didn't feel the venom pool in my mouth as I had when I first kissed her and the need to crush her bones as I drank her blood. No, in this moment I almost lost control because I wanted her so badly. In that moment, I wanted to love her with all of my strength… which is just another way for her to die.

I barely managed to push her back and stumble away from her. "Damn it, Bella!" I was gasping for the air that I didn't need. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."

She leaned over, her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. "You're indestructible," she mumbled.

"I might have believed that before I met you. Now let's get out of here before I do something really stupid," I growled. Forcing myself to concentrate with more effort than usual to be gentle, I threw her across my back.

"Don't forget to close your eyes." Because I was angry at myself, my voice was too harsh.

Bella wrapped her limbs around me tightly and pressing her face against my back, I began to run.

Frustrated at my own weakness, I berated myself as the cool air cleared my head. I was stronger than I'd been a few days ago, but still far, far too weak. If I ever, in any way, was the cause of hurting her, I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Or more accurately I would have to find a way to put an end to my existence because I wouldn't live without her. I could never let myself get that close to losing control again. I would need to draw some very careful lines in our physical relationship if I wanted her to stay whole. This was so much more complicated than I'd first thought, and my first thought had been that our relationship would be impossible. I knew now that what we had wasn't impossible, it was merely insane in every visible angle imaginable. But if I could grow accustomed to her scent so well, desensitize my desire for her blood perhaps I could desensitize myself to her physical touch and my need for her? More insanity. How could any man, let alone one who was vampire and a 108 year old virgin expect to NOT want to hold the only woman he'd ever loved more tightly. Desensitizing seemed ridiculous in this sense, but perhaps, if I drew those careful lines and just made sure I never crossed them, I could keep the control that we both needed to survive.

The only problem of course was not being able to anticipate Bella's reactions. Her responses to me where so completely wonderful and desirable and terrifyingly irresistible all at once. I began to make a mental list of do's and don'ts for when I showed affection for her, and mentally tried to prepare myself for her possible responses.

The cool air and mossy smell of the forest helped to distract me from the desirable beauty clinging to my back while my mental organization also helped to calm me down.

I stopped running a little ways from the clearing, still in the forest, so that Bella could compose herself before seeing my family again. Reaching back to touch her hair, I said, "It's over Bella."

She let go of me, slipping to the ground. She landed and gasped. "Oh!" She said, and I turned in time to see her laying on her back with her arms and legs still out in front of her for a second.

I stared at her for a moment, unable to believe that she would be sick again. She couldn't have felt the movement, and she had closed her eyes, but she looked so confused. As if she simply had forgotten to put her legs down to stand up. I realized suddenly that that's what had happened. It was impossible to keep the howls of laughter from coming. Her expression was priceless and beyond endearing.

She scrambled up and brushed the mud and leaves from the back of her jacket. I shouldn't have, but that only made me laugh harder.

Bella looked annoyed and stomped off into the forest, tripping over the dead branches. I stopped laughing and caught her around the waist.

"Where are you going, Bella?"

"To watch a baseball game. You don't seem to be interested in playing anymore, but I'm sure the others will have fun without you."

"You're going the wrong way."

She turned around without a look at me and stomped off in the opposite direction. I caught her again.

"Don't be mad, I couldn't help myself. You should have seen your face." I chuckled before I could stop myself.

"Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to get made?" She raised an accusing eyebrow and I realized what she was referring to.

"I wasn't mad at you," I said quietly.

"'Bella, you'll be the death of me'?" she quoted scowling at the ground.

"That was simply a statement of fact." I wondered why this was so hard for her to understand, and how I could explain it better?

She tried to turn away from me again, but I wouldn't let her leave.

"You were mad," she insisted.

"Yes."

"But you just said -"

"That I wasn't mad at you. Can't you see that, Bella?" I was desperate to make her realize this. "Don't you understand?"

"See what?" She was obviously confused, and I wondered if she had always thought I was mad at her all those times when I was only frustrated at myself.

"I'm never angry with you - how could I be? Brave, trusting…warm as you are." How could she have ever blamed herself?

"Then why?" she whispered. The hurt in her eyes was unbearable.

I carefully put my hands on either side of her face. "I infuriate myself," I said gently. "The way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to.."

She put her hand over my mouth. "Don't," she said in a shaky voice.

I moved her hand to the side of my face, and said the only explanation that I new she would accept, "I love you."

Her eyes softened and her hand grew warmer against my face as she blushed.

"It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true. Now, please try to behave yourself." I wanted to try kissing her again and do it properly; without any near death experience.

Bella didn't move while I softly brushed my lips against hers.

After a few minutes that weren't long enough, she sighed. "You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember? We'd better get going."

"Yes, ma'am."

I smiled wistfully, never feeling like I could get enough of her embrace. I released her and took her hand in mine, leading her through the last of the forest and to the edge of the clearing.

Carlisle was marking bases, Jasper and Alice were warming up, and Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie were the closest to us, about a hundred yards away sitting on some rocks.

Great. They're here. Rosalie thought sarcastically. And I'm gone. She stood up and walked away from us into the field.

Emmett stared after her. I wonder how mad she'll be tonight… oh well. He stood up coming after Esme toward us.

As Esme came towards us, full of smiles and gushing thoughts of welcome that she tried to hide so she wouldn't overwhelm Bella she said, "Was that you we heard, Edward?"

"It sounded like a bear chocking," Emmett clarified.

Bella smiled shyly at them. "That was him."

"Bella was being unintentionally funny," I explained glaring at Emmett as his mind filled with humor and more ways to tease me for the next decade.

I would have liked to see that. Emmett smirked and looked at Bella as if he hoped to see her do some funny human thing.

I rolled my eyes at him and then turned to see Alice running toward us.

She was remembering the vision of the storm and it was starting to sync with the clouds and light around us. She stopped suddenly and announced, "It's time." Immediately a rumble of thunder echoed through the mountains.

Emmett turned to Bella. "Eerie, isn't it?" He winked.

"Let's go." Alice said, and taking Emmett's hand, they ran to the field.

I turned excitedly to Bella. "Are you ready for some ball?"

"Go team!" she said, obviously making an effort to sound enthusiastic.

Chuckling, I ruffled her hair before taking off to join the others.

I was even more eager then the rest of them. We didn't have many chances to play and this time I was more excited than any other. There was something so satisfying in having an even number of people. I'd been the odd man out for so long, and didn't realize till now just how much I'd been missing. I wanted to be watching Bella's expressions through Esme's mind as she saw us play, but, I'll admit, I felt like showing off even more.

We split the teams up. Alice would be pitching for us. Carlisle and I ended up on the same team as Alice. I was in the outfield as usual and Carlisle covered the bases. Emmett was first up to bat. Jasper was catching for now.

Esme and Bella had made it to the edge of the field. "All right," Esme called, "Batter up."

He won't see this one coming.

Alice released the ball like a bullet from a gun and it smacked into Jasper's bare hand. Strike one. She grinned briefly before masking her expression again.

Emmett was ready for the next pitch. He never did anything half way, and always hit as hard as he could. He grinned. Eat this, bro. And the bat crashed into the ball.

But I started running even before he'd made contact. As I ran I could see the trajectory of the ball through Alice's and Emmett's minds especially and was already in the woods, snagging it before it hit the ground.

Esme heard me catch it of course and cried "Out!" before I got back to the field, grinning at Bella, though I doubted that she could see well from this distance.

I've never seen Edward smile so much.

Hilariously idiotic, man. Jasper was truly enjoying my good humor right now after the days and years of my moodiness.

Next up was Jasper and he absorbed my excitement to supposedly further his batting strategy. He hit a ground ball toward Carlisle and they raced to first. When they crashed into each other, I saw Bella jump up, her face looked worried. So needlessly concerned, but now she understood another reason why we needed the thunder to play besides to cover for the sound of batting.

"Safe," Esme called.

Rosalie was up then and hit one that managed to get past Carlisle, bouncing once before I snagged it and threw it to third where Carlisle got Jasper out. Rosalie's thoughts were smug as she made it to second.

Emmett was at bat again.

Right field, left field, right field…he was doing the familiar chant in his mind. Up high, down low, where it stops no one will know.

I rolled my eyes. Emmett was always trying to throw me off so I wouldn't know where he was going to hit the ball. Not that it mattered much. I caught Emmett's long fly for the third out, but Rosalie had made it home while the ball was in the air. They were up by one.

Sprinting up to Bella, I asked, "What do you think?"

"One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to sit through dull old Major League Baseball again."

"And it sounds like you did so much of that before," I laughed.

"I am a little disappointed," Humor sparkled in her eyes.

"Why?" I was puzzled.

"Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet."

I smiled, enjoying her praise.

"I'm up," I said and headed for the plate.

Rosalie was in the outfield. Just try and get it past me, you jerk.

What's it going to be? High? Low? I'm ready for anything. Emmett knew that if I could hit the ball high enough I could feasibly run around the bases, even though they were of course spread out much more than in normal baseball, and make it home before either of them could catch the ball. I'd done it before, but depending on how ready he was to jump I might not get the chance.

Jasper tried to empty his mind so I wouldn't know when he was going to pitch. Alice was catching now, but couldn't see what Jasper was going to throw because he was trying to keep himself from decided until he threw the ball.

A half second before he pitched, I knew he was going to, and I was ready. I swung the bat as if I were going to hit the ball high.

It's going up. Emmett tensed to spring.

At the last second I slowed the speed of the bat and changed the angle, hitting a ground ball. In the split second that it took Emmett to change his posture and snag it, I'd made it to second.

"Hey, what was that?" Emmett asked

"What, was what?"

"You know what." He tossed the ball to Jasper.

Yeah, I did, but I liked teasing him.

Don't look now, Edward, but Carlisle's going to hit it out of the park.

Not that it was an advantage to know that, but it was always entertaining to play with Alice.

Carlisle's home run brought us up by two. Alice was waiting at home to slap us high-fives as we came in.

Alice was up at bat next. Jasper was pretty good at keeping himself from making a decision about what kind of pitch he'd make, but Alice always managed to hit anything regardless. Hitting low, she made it to first before Rosalie snagged it.

When I was up I managed to knock a low one past Emmett, but Rosalie made a impressive dive and tossed it to Emmett at third, getting Alice out, before he flicked the ball to Jasper getting me out at second.

"Yeah, now we're warmed up!" Emmett hooted.

"Nice play," Carlisle called, "but you're still going to lose."

"You wish," Rosalie said.

"He's right though," Alice grinned. "You are going to lose. I know these things."

"You don't know that yet!" Jasper teased back. "There are too many variables."

"All right, all right!" Esme said, "Carlisle's up, let's get back into the game."

Carlisle knocked the ball twenty feet above Emmett's head. Emmett sprang for it, making the third out, then went to bat.

The game continued pretty much the same as usual, we took turns taking the lead and razzing each other. At the top of the third the score was 7 to 5 in our favor. Alice was on second, Carlisle was batting and I was catching, when Alice gasped.

My head snapped up and we stared at each other. Her vision was of the three visitors.

They were coming here…. now.

Immediately, I raced to Bella's side.

"Alice?" Esme asked tensely.

"I didn't see - I couldn't tell," she whispered.

Everyone was around us now. "What is it, Alice?" Carlisle asked calmly.

"They were traveling much quicker than I thought. I can see I had the perspective wrong before," she mumbled.

Jasper leaned over her protectively. "What changed?"

"They heard us playing, and it changed their path." I'm sorry Edward, this is my fault. She felt responsible, but it wasn't her fault. It was mine for bringing Bella here at all, for not being able to leave her alone to begin with.

Everyone glanced quickly at Bella for an instant.

"How soon?" Carlisle asked, turning to me.

I listened for their minds, gauging how far away they were to how fast they were moving. "Less than five minutes. They're running - they want to play." I scowled.

"Can you make it?" He glanced at Bella.

"No, not carrying -" I couldn't finish the sentence. "Besides, the last thing we need is for them to catch the scent and start hunting."

"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.

"Three."

"Three!" he scoffed. "Let them come." We can take out three. What's the big deal? Emmett flexed eagerly.

Carlisle weighed the options for a split second. No one was as eager to fight as Emmett was. "Let's just continue the game," Carlisle decided. "Alice said they were simply curious."

Edward, Esme looked at me, are they thirsty?

I shook my head. But with the way Bella smells it wouldn't matter, even if they fed recently, they wouldn't be safe around her.

"You catch, Esme," I said. "I'll call it now."

I stood in front of Bella, the others were warily watching the woods as they took their positions again. "Take your hair down," I told her. I didn't want her neck exposed.

She slid the rubber band from her pony-tail and her hair spilled over her shoulders. "The others are coming now," she stated.

"Yes, stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please." I tried to hide the stress in my voice, but I wondered if she could hear it all the same. I pulled her hair forward and tucked it around her neck and face.

"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."

"I know," I said, frustrated. I had to at least try, there was a small chance.

I barely noticed Carlisle as he stood at the plate. No one was paying much attention to the game now.

"What did Esme ask you?" Bella whispered.

I didn't want to answer her, but I wasn't going to hide it from her either. "Whether they were thirsty," I muttered. Her eyes were wide, but she was quiet and stayed behind me.

I turned my head back toward the field and forest. The game continued, but no one hit harder than a bunt. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper hovered in the infield. I was grateful for their nearness to protect Bella.

Rosalie was resentful. Told you so… idiot…she's not worth it.

But I couldn't pay much attention to her, or to Jasper's strategies, or Carlisle's concerns for what could happen, or any of my family's thoughts. My mind was too full of my own fears and guilt.

I kept my mind intent only on the strangers. I scanned the forest trying to anticipate where they would come through the edge of the woods into the clearing. I gauged the distance and the time, and anything I could pick from their brains that would tell me what sort of vampires they were. Their only thoughts were anticipation and a natural wariness, not knowing what to expect from us.

After the few minutes that seemed to stretch for hours, I could see the light from the clearing growing closer through their minds. The shadows of the trees lessened, they slowed their pace as they came close to the edge of the woods.

Before they were in hearing range, I muttered, "I'm sorry, Bella." Knowing it could never be enough, I still had to apologize. "It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry."

Suddenly, my breath caught in my throat. I could see my family through their minds. Angling myself in front of Bella, I put myself between her and their approach. Carlisle, Emmett, and the others heard them now and turned as well.

Of everyone around me, Emmett's eager thoughts were the most intense. Yeah… show time.

The Hunt -20

It was excruciating standing here, waiting for them to approach. Every ounce of my being wanted to take Bella away from here, away from them, of any possible danger. My jaw was clenched tightly and it was a struggle to keep from reaching out to hold onto her. Everything in me wanted to wrap my arms around her, protect her, shelter her from whatever was coming.

But I knew better.

And even if I didn't, Carlisle silently reminded me of the necessity of acting normal. She needs to blend in...we can't draw attention to her.

I knew this, and I would play my part. I forced myself to look more at ease than I felt and I focused all of my attention on the thoughts of the strangers.

One by one they stepped into the clearing several meters apart. The first male to emerge from the forest had short light brown hair, and he immediately stepped back, orienting himself behind the other darker-haired male. Their muscles were tense and they walked in a half crouch as they gradually closed rank. The third, a female, had brilliant orange hair filled with leaves and twigs from the forest. Her thoughts were edgy, acutely sensing any possible danger as they approached us.

Carlisle, flanked by Emmett and Jasper, stepped guardedly forward to meet them.

Each of the three strangers took a mental note of Carlisle's tailored appearance and easy, more human manner of walking. They each stood straighter relaxing their tensed muscles, the dark-haired male in the lead smiled easily.

Males and females evenly balanced, mates no doubt. Perhaps there's some fun in that.

Look how they stand there, pretending that we are nothing to them… but they have nothing to offer us. Surely none of them could rival James

They're different, gold eyes… how odd… The leading male's thoughts were mainly curious and as he observed each of us, slightly envious of our clean appearance.

The tall blond, he is the true fighter. He stands tall, but his eyes and his scars say more than words. He is the dangerous one.

There certainly are a lot of them, the female thought, analyzed our strengths, and who the formidable fighters among us would be. She immediately discounted all the women as fighters in

her mind, assuming her experience would allow her to best any one of them. Routinely, marking an escape route in her mind, should it be necessary.

Halting their approach several feet from Carlisle, the leader stepped forward, still smiling.

"We thought we heard a game," he said easily, with a slight French accent. "I'm Laurent, these are Victoria and James."

"I'm Carlisle. This is my family, Emmett and Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Alice, Edward and Bella."

"Do you have room for a few more players?" Laurent's thoughts were merely interested in being sociable.

Victoria's thoughts were less trusting, watching each of us closely, but she didn't notice Bella especially, simply considering her the weakest of us all. The slight wind was in our favor at the moment. Blowing Bella's scent away from them. James was surprised and even frustrated, forming half sentences in his mind that I couldn't follow, but there was no indication that they sensed anything wrong.

"Actually," Carlisle said, matching Laurent's friendly tone, "we were just finishing up. But we'd certainly be interested another time. Are you planning to stay in the area for long?"

"We're headed north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighborhood. We haven't run into any company in a long time."

Jasper took in the emotions of the three strangers, sensing Victoria's unease and James' intensity, he emanated a calming atmosphere. Both of their minds were mostly quiet, mainly just taking in the conversation, unsure what to expect. Yet there was a deceptive vicious edge to their thoughts. I got the impression that they only came here because Laurent was curious.

"No, this region is usually empty except for us and the occasional visitor, like yourself." Carlisle smiled genially.

"What's your hunting range?" Laurent inquired casually.

"The Olympic Range here, up and down the Coast Ranges on occasion. We keep a permanent residence nearby. There's another permanent settlement like ours up near Denali."

Laurent rocked back on his heels, surprised.

How is that possible? Eight… in one place?

So many of them are here, yet this is hardly a populated area.

"Permanent? How do you manage that?"

"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?" Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story."

A permanent settlement? What kind of vampires are these?

James and Victoria were shocked when they heard the word "home." They glanced at each other quickly, wondering at our strange coven.

Laurent hid his surprise more easily. "That sounds very interesting, and welcome. We've been on the hunt all the way down from Ontario, and we haven't had the chance to clean up in a while." He looked appreciatively over Carlisle's refined appearance.

Victoria seemed willing to come, though still wary. James didn't seem to care either way, he pictured their hunt from Ontario, slightly bored that it had been so easy to track.

"Please don't take offense, but we'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from hunting in this immediate area." Carlisle explained, "We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand."

"Of course." Laurent nodded, untroubled. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed.

I heard Bella's heart rate speed slightly at his words.

"We'll show you the way if you'd like to run with us - Emmett and Alice, you can go with Edward and Bella to get the Jeep."

As Carlisle spoke the wind changed direction, and Bella's speeding heart pulsed under her skin, emphasizing her desirable scent. I stiffened, clenching my jaw as James whipped his head around, staring right at Bella. His nostrils flared as he smelled her scent. Delicious, the most luscious I've encountered, almost… Lurching one step into a crouch, James focused on Bella's pulse at her neck. Ready to attack. At the same instant, I bared my teethe, crouching in defense. An involuntary snarl ripped from my throat. He would not touch her.

"What's this?" Laurent exclaimed in surprised.

"She's with us." Carlisle firmly said, glaring at James.

James thought of ways to get around me, moving slightly to one side or the other. I moved at the same time, hearing his thoughts and anticipating.

Well this should be interesting. Victoria thought, A whole family of vampires protecting one pathetic little human. One of whom seems rather attached to her.

Laurent caught Bella's scent then, as well. "You brought a snack?" He stepped forward, involuntarily drawn to her luscious scent.

I snarled harshly, fiercer, baring my teeth at him. Laurent stepped back in surprise and thought, Such an overreaction. James will enjoy this one a bit too much.

"I said she's with us," Carlisle corrected in a hard voice.

"But she's human," Laurent's astonishment was tangible.

"Yes," Emmett said eying James, Don't worry Edward. If the twerp tries anything I'll take him out.

James slowly straightened up, his eyes never left mine. He was angry, not used to being thwarted. I can wait, he thought. I'll start tracking tonight. He won't be able to protect the human forever. His anger turned to excitement, his nostrils still wide, taking in her desirable scent. What a fascinating challenge. We came for one game and found another… even better… I will taste her. But not yet, there are too many players in this game to grow sloppy. She will be worth the wait…

I was still crouching in front of Bella and suddenly I wished he would try something immediately so that I could kill him. End this now. End him for even thinking of hurting her.

But how could I do that in front of Bella? Dismember a sentient being right in front of her? She would see the monster then and run screaming from me as I always expected her to. How could she ever look at me the same way if she saw that?

No, I would have to take her far away. Keep hiding her, always running. I would protect her from him.

Laurent spoke, a placating tone in his voice and embarrassment filling his thoughts, "It appears we have a lot to learn about each other."

"Indeed," Carlisle said coolly.

"But we'd like to accept your invitation." Laurent glanced at Bella quickly. "And, of course, we will not harm the human girl. We won't hunt in your range, as I said."

James glanced in disbelief and aggravation at him. He might not hunt with me, but Victoria will. Useful as she is. I'll need some help with so many adversaries. Then he exchanged a brief look with Victoria. She barely nodded at him, knowing from experience what he would be planning. Her thoughts were in line with his, immensely confident that he would succeed, because apparently, he always did.

Carlisle wondered for a moment how to safely proceed, if it was a good idea to lead them to our home. It's for the best Edward, he thought with no outward display that he was speaking to me, the leader will surely be able to convince the others, and perhaps they will join us as well. He was assured by Laurent's open expression, hopeful to change their minds about their lifestyle. Always ready to evangelize and give the benefit of any doubt he said confidently, "We'll show you the way. Jasper, Rosalie, Esme?" As soon as he called their names they gathered closely behind him, blocking Bella from view. Alice was instantly by Bella's side and Emmett kept his eyes locked on James as he backed toward us.

When Bella was completely blocked from their view I turned to her. Knowing this would just be the beginning, the words seemed to mean more. "Let's go, Bella." And we would go, and keep going. Alice's visions echoed my decisions as she searched for something positive, something that would let us be together as a whole again, but that was impossible now. I had to tug sharply on Bella's elbow to make her move. We wouldn't be able to stop running now. She looked terrified, her eyes wide with horror. How could I be so stupid? Why did I bring her at all? When I found out they were coming, I should have taken Bella and run to begin with.

I wanted to run immediately, but I forced myself to walk at a human pace to the forest. I didn't want James to get more excited then he already was. It was excruciating to walk away. Knowing, that everything that I was trying to avoid from the first moment I saw Bella was starting to crash down around me. She was in danger because of me. My family would have to move, ruining the life we'd built here, because of my own weakness.

And all I could do was walk away, leaving him back there, the euphoric hunter in his twisted adventure story. I grew angrier as I kept listening to his mind, his plans to capture Bella, his excitement of how I'd defend and avenge her. He viewed himself as a strategist, brave, and confident, winning the "game" at whatever cost.

As soon as we were under the cover of the forest, I slung Bella over my back without breaking stride and took off. My fury drove me faster than I'd ever run before, wanting to escape his demented, masochistic thoughts.

When we reached the jeep I flung her in the backseat. "Strap her in," I ordered Emmett as he slid in beside her.

Alice was already in the front seat as I started the engine.

This was it. I had to get her out of here, take her far away, but the more I thought about the situation the angrier I became. The jeep couldn't move fast enough over this bumpy trail.

Emmett glared out the window, his thoughts were irritated. He hated to run away.

Alice continued to flip through possibilities of the future. It was like a bad version of Mission Impossible. Possibilities of Bella and myself hiding out in different places, of the necessity for the rest of the family to move every three months, and then the possibility of Bella being transformed into a vampire.

When I saw her vision of Bella as one of us, the epitome of everything I'd been trying to avoid through all of this, beyond frustrated at that point, I mumbled out a string of profanities. Everything was crashing down around me. All the care that I took to keep her safe with me meant nothing, but I would not be that selfish. I would run forever to keep her safe, to do what was best for her, but turning her wasn't going to happen. My own selfishness caused this problem, and two wrongs didn't make a right.

When we hit the main road, going south away from Forks, I was able to increase our speed, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked.

None of us answered or looked at her. Neither Alice nor Emmett had directed their thoughts towards me since we left the clearing though now I could sense something building in the back of both their minds that they were unwilling to share with me.

"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?"

"We have to get you away from here - far away - now." I didn't look back at her. She didn't have a choice in the matter.

"Turn around! You have to take me home!" she shouted, struggling at the harness.

"Emmett," I said grimly.

He understood, grasping her wrists like handcuffs so she couldn't hurt herself, and thought. Feisty, isn't she? I think I get what you see in this girl.

Bella kept yelling, "No! Edward! No, you can't do this."

"I have to, Bella, now please be quiet."

"I won't! You have to take me back - Charlie will call the FBI! They'll be all over your family - Carlisle and Esme! They'll have to leave, to hide forever!"

"Calm down, Bella." Where else could my folly end? This was inevitable from the beginning. "We've been there before."

"Not over me, you don't! You're not ruining everything over me!" She struggled fruitlessly.

"Edward, pull over." Alice said.

I glared at her, knowing what she'd want to try to convince me of, and sped up.

"Edward, let's just talk this through."

"You don't understand," I roared, frustrated. "He's a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He's a tracker!"

Not good. Emmett thought.

"Pull over, Edward." Alice said again.

I pushed the jeep past one-twenty.

"Do it, Edward."

"Listen to me, Alice. I saw his mind. Tracking is his passion, his obsession - and he wants her, Alice - her, specifically. He begins the hunt tonight."

"He doesn't know where -"

"How long do you think it will take him to cross her scent in town? His plan was already set before the words were out of Laurent's mouth."

Bella gasped, "Charlie! You can't leave him there! You can't leave him!" She thrashed against the harness.

"She's right," Alice said quietly.

I barely lifted my foot from the gas pedal.

"Let's just look at our options for a minute," she coaxed.

I allowed the jeep to slow even more. Suddenly, the determination in Alice's mind, her view that turning Bella was the only option at this point and the only logical thing to do made me realize that I couldn't ignore this conversation anymore.

Screeching to a halt on the side of the highway, I hissed, "There are no options." I wasn't going to change her. Hadn't we been through this? Damning her to this existence was not denote saving her.

"I'm not leaving Charlie!" Bella yelled.

I ignored her.

"We have to take her back," Emmett finally spoke.

"No." This wasn't open for discussion.

"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her."

"He'll wait."

Emmett grinned. "I can wait, too."

"You didn't see - you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him."

Unperturbed as ever, Emmett simply said, "That's an option."

"And the female. She's with him. If it turns into a fight, the leader will go with them, too."

"There are enough of us." Your lack of confidence is insulting.

I knew the odds were in our favor, but one wrong move on our part, one moment of being too distracted by the fight, and he could get to her. I didn't want to give him any chance, and I couldn't stand the thought of him coming near to Bella.

After a second, Alice said quietly, "There's another option."

I knew what she meant. She mentally threw the vision at me this time, Bella with the red eyes of a newborn vampire and Alice's arm around her as best friends. Alice had no qualms with Bella loosing her humanity since she herself didn't remember her humanity to miss it. Sure it would make Alice happy and be easier for all of us, especially me, but what would Bella think afterwards? After feeling the burning torture in her throat and the sameness of eternity? There was no way to answer this from that one image that Alice held so firmly to. No, it would simply be more selfishness, and I snarled at Alice, "There - is - no - other - option!"

Alice and I glared at each other. She threw every possible vision at me of what my life would be like always on the run and hiding Bella while I simply stared her down. I knew how hard it would be, but when was the right thing easy?

You are so irritatingly stubborn! She thought in exasperation as the visions only became more clear and firm in her mind as my decisions solidified.

I could have said the same about her, but it didn't matter because this wasn't her decision to make. It was mine, and I wouldn't allow Bella life or soul to be put in danger by my existence.

After this long outward silence, Bella said, "Does anyone want to hear my plan?"

"No," I growled. For all I knew it would be the same as Alice's, or, knowing how she had no self-preservation instincts at all, she'd want to just sacrifice herself to the monster and be done with it. I rolled my eyes, ludicrous.

Alice glared furiously at me, Why not? It's her life.

"Listen," Bella pleaded. "You take me back."

"No," I interrupted. Too close.

Bella glared at me and continued. "You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."

All three of us were stunned, staring speechlessly at her. At how rationally she was thinking given the circumstances. Her reactions were never normal.

"It's not a bad idea, really." Emmett pointed out, surprised at her strategy.

"It might work - and we simply can't leave her father unprotected. You know that," Alice said.

Everyone looked at me, expectant, but I couldn't bare to take her back.

"It's too dangerous - I don't want him within a hundred miles of her."

"Edward, he's not getting through us." Emmett said supremely confident.

Alice flipped through more visions, able to see other possibilities now that I was considering another option. "I don't see him attacking. He'll try to wait for us to leave her alone."

"It won't take long for him to realize that's not going to happen," I said. And then he'll try to take us on. She is bound to get hurt then.

"I demandthat you take me home."

I pressed my fingers to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut, blocking out their thoughts, and concentrating. I couldn't leave her father unprotected it was true. She would hate me more for that than anything else, but how could I take Bella toward the danger?

"Please," Bella said in a small voice.

I couldn't refuse that plea.

Worn down and without looking up, I said, "You're leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can't stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack

the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don't care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."

Starting the jeep again, I spun us around, and headed back to Forks as quickly as I could. I vaguely heard Emmett and Bella speak as he freed her hands, but my mind was too preoccupied with what we were about to do. Taking her back, willingly bringing her closer to danger, felt as if someone just told me I had to cut off one of my own limbs. The thought was excruciating.

"This is how it's going to happen." I finally decided. "When we get to the house, if the tracker is not there, I will walk her to the door. Then she has fifteen minutes." I glared at her in the rearview mirror, making her understand that I couldn't handle more than that. "Emmett, you take the outside of the house. Alice, you get the truck. I'll be inside as long as she is. After she's out, you two can take the Jeep home and tell Carlisle."

"No way," Emmett broke in. "I'm with you."

"Think it through, Emmett. I don't know how long I'll be gone."

"Until we know how far this is going to go, I'm with you."

I sighed, knowing I wouldn't be able to change his mind. "If the tracker is there," I continued, admitting my limit, "we keep driving."

"We're going to make it there before him," Alice said as she focused on visions of the near future. She could be extremely irritating with her opinions, but definitely useful. Then she said, "What are we going to do with the Jeep?"

"You're driving it home."

"No, I'm not," she calmly said.

This was not happening, and she was definitely more annoying than useful. I muttered a few choice words, too angry to come up with an intelligible argument.

"We can't all fit in my truck," Bella whispered.

I ignored her. Her truck wouldn't be fast enough anyway, we'd have to find something else regardless. That's not why I was angry. I barely could think of Emmett coming, for God knows how long, but not Alice too. It wasn't fair to them. This was my fault and I should be the one to take care of it.

Even more quietly Bella said, "I think you should let me go alone."

Right. "Bella, please just do this my way," I said through clenched teeth, "just this once." She would never keep herself safe, she had proven time and time again that she had no idea how to think of her own safety.

"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," she protested. "If you're not in town tomorrow, he's going to get suspicious."

"That's irrelevant. We'll make sure he's safe, and that's all that matters." There was no way I'd let her have her way this time.

"Then what about this tracker? He saw the way you acted tonight. He's going to think you're with me, wherever you are."

Wow, she's good. "Edward, listen to her," Emmett urged. "I think she's right."

"Yes, she is," Alice agreed. And you know it.

"I can't do that." If taking Bella toward danger felt like severing a limb then letting her go alone was the equivalent to sticking my arm in fire and letting it burn.

"Emmett should stay, too," Bella continued. "He definitely got an eyeful of Emmett."

"What?" Emmett didn't like that idea so well.

"You'll get a better crack at him if you stay," Alice pointed out.

I couldn't believe we were discussing this. Incredulous, I looked at Alice. "You think I should let her go alone?"

"Of course not. Jasper and I will take her."

"I can't do that," I repeated, but began to realize that this might be the best option to keep her safe.

Bella started in with her idea again. "Hang out here for a week -" I glared at her in the mirror and she amended her plan. "- a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home."

It sounded logical. "Meet you where?"

"Phoenix."

"No. He'll hear that's where you're going," I said impatiently.

"And you'll make it look like that's a ruse, obviously. He'll know that we'll know that he's listening. He'll never believe I'm actually going where I say I am going."

Emmett chuckled. "She's diabolical."

"And if that doesn't work?" Obviously he might not believe the ruse.

"There are several million people in Phoenix," she said confidently.

"It's not that hard to find a phone book."

"I won't go home."

"Oh?" I couldn't imagine how she would be capable of taking care of herself in such a large city with so many dangers.

"I'm quite old enough to get my own place."

I rolled my eyes. Age had nothing to do with it.

"Edward, we'll be with her," Alice reminded me.

"What are you going to do in Phoenix?" I asked scathingly.

"Stay indoors." Of course.

"I kind of like it." Emmett was getting excited. He won't know what hit him...

"Shut up, Emmett." They couldn't understand how much it hurt me to think of being away from her.

"Look, if we try to take him down while she's still around," he explained, "There's a much better chance that someone will get hurt - she'll get hurt, or you will, trying to protect her. Now, if we get him alone…" He grinned slowly, thinking about cornering James for a fight. We take him out.

I couldn't argue with that. She would be safer away from me, just as I always knew was true, and now it was proven to me again. As we drove into Forks I realized that I was driving more slowly than I ever had before. I felt deflated, like my life was slowly being sapped away. Every ounce of my being wanted to prolong the time that I had with her.

The jeep crawled through town and I knew I would do it. I knew I would metaphorically have to burn my limb off to let her leave me. To keep her safe. I loved her too much to do any less.

"Bella," I said softly. "If you let anything happen to yourself - anything at all - I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand?"

She gulped, "Yes."

I turned to Alice. "Can Jasper handle this?"

"Give him some credit, Edward. He's been doing very, very well, all things considered."

"Can you handle this?" I asked.

Alice knew what I meant and pulled her lips back in a horrific grimace, a guttural snarl tore through her teeth. I smiled, she was a pretty terrifying little monster when she wanted to be, and I knew she was capable of keeping Bella safe.

Suddenly, I remembered her other "option" for Bella's safety, and muttered, "But keep your opinions to yourself."

Goodbyes - 21

I slowly pulled into the driveway behind Bella's truck, reaching out with my mind for any hint of the enemy. Emmett and Alice both scanned the forest, detecting every scent, every movement. I turned off the engine and we continued to listen. Bella's heart was beginning to speed up as we looked for a sign of James, but he wasn't there. He didn't hear her racing pulse.

"He's not here," I said tensely. "Let's go."

Emmett helped Bella out of the harness. "Don't worry, Bella," he said, cheerfully thinking of the fight to come, "we'll take care of things here quickly."

Through Emmett's mind, I saw Bella's eyes filling with tears. She must be terribly afraid, and all this because of my stupidity.

"Alice, Emmett." I ordered. They immediately went to their posts by her truck and the back of the house. I opened Bella's door and took her hand to help her down, wrapping my arms around her, I wished they could be a protective shield to her and that I would never have to let her go. I walked her quickly toward the house, peering through the woods for any sign of movement. Alice and Emmett were just as vigilant and I listened to their assuring thoughts as well.

When we stood on the porch I leaned closely to her and sternly whispered, "Fifteen minutes."

"I can do this." She sniffled and wiped a tear away. Suddenly, her eyes grew intense, burning into my own. "I love you," she said fiercely "I will always love you, no matter what happens now."

I leaned closer to her, willing her to not be afraid. "Nothing is going to happen to you, Bella," I said just as fiercely, assuring her as well as myself.

"Just follow the plan, okay? Keep Charlie safe for me. He's not going to like me very much after this, and I want to have the chance to apologize later."

"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry." I was growing anxious with new visions from Alice of James showing up before we'd driven away.

"One more thing," she whispered passionately, her loving soul laid bare in the deep pools of her eyes. "Don't listen to another word I say tonight!"

I was frozen, unsure what to make of her words and completely awed at the transparent abandoned I saw in the depths of her eyes. No other time had I been able to see her meaning more clearly, as if I could read her mind. She loved me more than I had known, and I was stunned. Suddenly, she took my face in her hands and stretched up to kiss me. A burning, passionate, seal to the promise I saw in her eyes.

When she pulled away from me, her eyes pooled with hot tears.

She turned quickly and kicked the door open and yelled. "Go away, Edward!" Running inside, she slammed the door in my shocked face.

"Bella?" Charlie said, concern, and suspicious accusation directed at me were pouring through his mind.

"Leave me alone!" She screamed at him. I felt his mind recoil as he watched the flood of tears pour from her eyes. He didn't know what to do when someone cried, but his concern and loving protection led him to follow her up the stairs.

I heard Bella lock her bedroom door and start digging for things to pack, and I jumped into her window to help her. Charlie was pounding on the door.

"Bella, are you okay? What's going on?" Fear swirled through his mind as he called to her.

"I'm going home," she shouted, her voice breaking from the chocking sobs.

"Did he hurt you?" Charlie yelled, livid at the images in his mind of how I might take advantage of her.

"No!" Bella shrieked quickly, and I dug clothes out of her dresser, tossing them to her while she filled a duffle bag.

"Did he break up with you?"

"No!" she yelled breathlessly as she jammed the last of her clothes into the bag.

"What happened, Bella?" Charlie pounded on the door again, his mind swirling with confusion.

"I broke up with him!" She shouted, while jamming the zipper on the bag.

I pushed her hands out of the way to zip it for her, and carefully put the strap over her arm. "I'll be in the truck - go!" I whispered, pushing her toward the door. I jumped out of the window while she was unlocking her door.

Racing to her truck I got in to wait for her.

He's almost here, one minute. Alice warned, he's going to follow us.

"What happened?" Charlie yelled, following her down the stairs. "I thought you liked him." He caught her elbow when they were in the kitchen and spun her around to look at him.

She's got to do better than that. Alice thought envisioning Charlie keeping her at home by force.

Through Charlie's mind, I watched Bella's face as she glared at him, fresh tears flooding down her face.

"I do like him - that's the problem. I can't do this anymore! I can't put down any more roots here! I don't want to end up trapped in this stupid, boring town like Mom! I'm not going to make the same dumb mistake she did. I hate it - I can't stay here another minute!"

Charlie was stunned. Hurt and shock jolted together as he released her arm, but Bella had done it. I knew Charlie would let her leave, and Alice confirmed this. He watched her stomp toward the door and weakly whispered, "Bells, you can't leave now. It's nighttime." A lonely sorrow filled his mind at the site of her walking away.

"I'll sleep in the truck if I get tired," she said angrily, without turning toward him.

Ahhh…such a tantalizing smell.

James was here.

Through his mind I saw Bella's house and heard his conceited thoughts. This might be easier than I thought. I hope not, it would be a shame to drink her blood without some entertainment first. He saw me in her truck and I knew he wouldn't attack tonight, just as Alice predicted. No, he will just track us until someone makes a mistake.

Charlie was trying to convince Bella to stay, but I couldn't pay attention to his thoughts when our enemy was so close.

James watched hungrily as the doorknob turned.

"Just let me go, Charlie," she said, and opened the door. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"

She ran wildly across the yard to her truck and even though I knew James wouldn't attack, it was all I could do to keep hidden inside her truck rather than running to her, protecting her in my arms. She threw her bag in the back and jumped into the drivers seat.

"I'll call you tomorrow!" she yelled and turned the key that I'd already placed in the ignition. The truck roared to life and she gunned the engine, peeling out.

As the house and Charlie, still blankly standing on the porch, disappeared, I reached for her hand. "Pull over," I said.

Hot tears were pouring down her face and I knew this was the worst thing that she'd had to do.

"I can drive," she said through her tears, so brave.

Reaching around her waist, I pushed her foot off the gas pedal and pulled her across my lap, gently pulling her hands free from the wheel. The truck didn't swerve as I took control of the vehicle. "You wouldn't be able to find the house," I said gently.

Lights flared behind us as the jeep came closer. Bella's eyes grew wide and she turned to the back window. Her heart raced, thumping rhythmically into my arm.

"It's just Alice," I assured her, moving my arm so I could squeeze her hand.

"The tracker?"

"He heard the end of your performance," I said grimly, listening to his sadistic thoughts as he chased us now.

"Charlie?" Her voice was full of dread.

"The tracker followed us. He's running behind us now." With effort, I kept my voice as calm as I could to keep Bella from being more frightened.

"Can we outrun him?"

"No," I said, but sped up slightly just the same. The engine of her decrepit truck groaned at the extra speed.

Bella looked behind us again, staring out the back window, her heart racing, and her eyes wide with fear.

I got your back, bro. Emmett thought gleefully as he jumped into the bed of Bella's truck.

I should have warned her. A bloodcurdling scream ripped from her throat and I instantly clamped my hand over her mouth. "It's Emmett!"

She stopped screaming, but began to shake everywhere. I moved my hand from her mouth and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her close to me. "It's okay, Bella. You're going to be safe." I put my own fears aside so that I could comfort her. She was the only one who mattered now.

As we raced through the quiet town I wondered what I could say to help her relax, to calm down. Conversationally, I said, "I didn't realize you were still so bored with small-town life. It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well - especially recently," I teased. "Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you."

"I wasn't being nice," she said looking down, her face blushing with shame. "That was the same thing my mom said when she left him. You could say I was hitting below the belt."

"Don't worry. He'll forgive you." I smiled slightly, knowing that was true, but also knowing that he wouldn't forgive me. Not that I deserved his forgiveness. I told him I would take care of her, and look what happened.

She just stared at me, her eyes suddenly full of horrified panic.

"Bella, it's going to be all right." I couldn't bare to see her so frightened.

"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," she whispered.

"We'll be together again in a few days," I said, pulling her closer to me. "Don't forget that this was your idea."

"It was the best idea - of course it was mine," she shrugged.

I smiled at her confidence, but immediately felt the emptiness that was inevitable when she was not near me. I hated to think of her being afraid, of how I couldn't be there to make her feel safe and protected. Alice would protect her, and Jasper… it wouldn't be as painful for her to be away from me, but I had to finish this. I had to get to James before he could hurt her. This was the best way to protect her.

"Why did this happen?" she asked, her voice catching. "Why me?"

I stared at the road ahead, preparing myself, yet again, to admit what a danger I was to her. A selfish demon that only brought her trouble. "It's my fault - I was a fool to expose you like that." I had never been so angry at myself than at this moment.

"That's not what I meant," she insisted, always so ready to brush away the truth about my failings. "I was there, big deal. It didn't bother the other two. Why did this James decide to kill me? There's people all over the place, why me?"

I hesitated, not sure how much to reveal to her. I didn't want to frighten her more, but she needed to know the truth. "I got a good look at his mind tonight," I said quietly. "I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It is partially your fault," I said, teasing her slightly. "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you…well, that made it a lot worse. He's not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we've presented him with a beautiful challenge - a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element." I couldn't think of what went through his mind without feeling disgusted. "You wouldn't believe how euphoric he is now. It's his favorite game, and we've just made it his most exciting game ever."

I paused thinking of that moment in the clearing again and hearing his exhilarated thoughts as he raced behind us.

"But if I had stood by, he would have killed you right then." It was all so hopelessly frustrating. I kept thinking back to what I could have done. Running with her when I first knew they were coming? Not taken her to watch us play? I thought back even further to the other decisions I made, excuses I'd made to watch over her ultimately bringing her into my life. Each decision was such a tangled web of possibilities. If I hadn't stayed and watched over her, other things would have hurt her. I felt like the edge of this blade that I was balancing on was being shifted from side to side by a cruel fate, trying to throw me completely off.

"I thought… I didn't smell the same to the others… as I do to you," she said hesitantly.

"You don't. But that doesn't mean that you aren't still a temptation to every one of them. If you had appealed to the tracker - or any of them - the same way you appeal to me, it would have meant a fight right there."

She shuddered, and for once I was not glad for a "normal" reaction from her. I never wanted to put her in this position.

"I don't think I have any choice but to kill him now," I muttered more to myself than to her.

Emmett heard me though as he stood in the back of her truck. Actually, we'll have to kill him. He emphasized in his mind. Life is more exciting now that a human knows about us. You should've invited her over sooner. Nothing could dampen Emmett's enthusiasm for any challenge thrown at him, but I couldn't share his excitement.

"Carlisle won't like it," I said, and his excitement wavered briefly.

We drove over the bridge, drawing nearer to the house.

"How can you kill a vampire?" Bella asked suddenly.

I glanced at her curious eyes. She always did have a question and I had hoped that this conversation would never be necessary, but now I had to tell her. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces." My voice sounded harsh as my anger grew again.

"And the other two will fight with him?"

"The woman will. I'm not sure about Laurent. They don't have a very strong bond - he's only with them for convenience. He was embarrassed by James in the meadow…"

"But James and the woman - they'll try to kill you?"

"Bella, don't you dare waste time worrying about me." I couldn't bare the thought of her needlessly worrying about me when this was all my fault to begin with. "Your only concern is keeping yourself safe and - please, please - trying not to be reckless." I begged, afraid of anything and everything that she could be hurt with so far away from me.

"Is he still following?" She asked quietly.

"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight." Assured by the visions that Alice was flipping through of our immediate future, I still couldn't feel confident when I knew I would have to leave her side.

We drove right up to the front of the house and before I'd fully stopped, Emmett was running along next to us, opening Bella's door.

I've got her, Edward. He hugged Bella like a foot ball, her duffle bag over his shoulder, and ran her into the house. Alice and I were right behind him.

When we burst into the room, the other's realized that Laurent was with our family. Emmett growled at him as he set Bella down next to me.

"He's tracking us," I said glaring at Laurent as if somehow this was his fault.

"I was afraid of that," Laurent said, unhappily wishing we could have met peaceably.

Alice told Jasper the plan to take Bella away and they raced upstairs to get their things. Rosalie watched them, realizing what was about to happen and walked to Emmett's side. Of course everyone will endanger themselves to protect her, especially Emmett. He wouldn't let Edward do this alone. She was worried about our family but only in how we effect glared furiously at Bella. Stupid human, ruining everything that's important to me. You'll never be worth it.

"What will he do?" Carlisle asked Laurent

"I'm sorry," he answered. "I was afraid, when your boy there defended her, that it would set him off."

"Can you stop him?"

Laurent shook his head. "Nothing stops James when he gets started." Nothing ever could.

"We'll stop him," Emmett promised confidently.

"You can't bring him down." Laurent said, "I've never seen anything like him in my three hundred years. He's absolutely lethal. That's why I joined his coven."

The truth was beginning to come out. At Laurent's admittance, I got a better image in his mind of who he was. His loyalties were weak and he would side with whoever was stronger. He would do whatever was convenient at the time.

Laurent was shaking his head. All this over one human girl. He glanced at Bella, and turned back to Carlisle. "Are you sure it's worth it?"

The thin strand of control I'd been holding my anger back with, erupted in a roar that filled the room. Laurent cringed away.

Don't worry, Edward. Carlisle looked gravely at Laurent. "I'm afraid you're going to have to make a choice."

Laurent understood his meaning, and looked at each of our faces, evaluating the determination he saw, and the odds against us. Such an interesting life they lead. So civilized. So very different than what I've been used to.

"I'm intrigued by the life you've created here. But I won't get in the middle of this. I bear none of you any enmity, but I won't go up against James. I think I will head north - to that clan in Denali." He hesitated, weighing his loyalties and wondering if he should warn us. "Don't underestimate James. He's got a brilliant mind and unparalleled senses. He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on…I'm sorry for what's been unleashed here. Truly sorry." He bowed his head and then looked quickly at Bella again. No, I don't understand, but perhaps I will, in time.

"Go in peace," Carlisle said formally.

Laurent looked longingly around the room again, sorry that he couldn't enjoy our hospitality more and hurried out the door.

We all silently waited the half second until Laurent was out of hearing range.

Carlisle was the first to break the silence. "How close?"

"About three miles out past the river; he's circling around to meet up with the female."

Bella gasped as Esme touched the keypad on the wall and the huge metal shutters closed over the glass wall.

"What's the plan?

"We'll lead him off, and then Jasper and Alice will run her south."

"And then?"

"As soon as Bella is clear," I said, hate seething through my voice, "we hunt him."

"I guess there's no other choice," Carlisle agreed, regretting that there was no other way.

Turning to Rosalie, the closest to Bella's size, I said, "Get her upstairs and trade clothes."

You can't order me to do anything. "Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace - a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."

Emmett put his hand on her shoulder wanting to reason with her, but she shook it off. I'd hoped that she could put aside her own jealousy and self-centeredness, but she would never be reasoned with and I wouldn't try. I turned away from her as if she didn't exist, and at that moment she didn't.

I looked the other way. "Esme?"

"Of course," Esme murmured.

I watched as Esme swung Bella into her arms and raced up the stairs. I quickly helped Emmett gather some supplies in the largest backpack that we had. It was pretty well stocked for emergencies and didn't take long, but we added a few extra things that Carlisle had prepared. Though, at the time Alice had told him what would be needed none of us knew why or what for. This was one mysterious vision that I wish we'd never come to find out it's context.

Alice and Jasper came down the stairs holding a couple small bags. "Alice," I said, already feeling that pain of separation that would happen too soon, "Bella doesn't know how to take care of herself. You have to promise me that you will stay with her all the time."

She nodded.

"And humans eat a lot more than we do."

She nodded again, and I smiled feebly at her. "I couldn't let her go with anyone else." I choked on the words. "Please take care of her for me?"

She smiled assuredly, "I'll watch over her, Edward." Nothing will happen to her. It will be all right. Just do your part and take care of the tracker. Then she raced up the stairs as Esme and Bella came out of the room. She and Esme carried Bella swiftly down the stairs, one on each elbow. I was grateful to see Alice already starting to take care of Bella.

Carlisle had already weighed the options of what each member of the family would do and as he handed out cell phones to each party, he began the instructions. "Esme and Rosalie will be taking your truck, Bella."

Bella nodded, glancing warily at Rosalie. While Bella was upstairs she couldn't have heard the conversation that Carlisle had with Rosalie, but Rose had complied quite well after he spoke with her.

"Alice, Jasper - take the Mercedes. You'll need the dark tint in the south."

They nodded, only determination in their synchronized thoughts.

"We're taking the Jeep," Carlisle said and turned to Alice.

"Alice, will they take the bait?"

Alice closed her eyes and focused on the immediate future. It was perfectly clear as all of us were decided and determined in our course of action.

She and I both were confident when she opened her eyes, saying, "He'll track you. The woman will follow the truck. We should be able to leave after that."

"Let's go." Carlisle motioned to Emmett and they headed toward the kitchen.

This moment had come too soon. I was immediately at Bella's side and caught her up. Holding her more closely than I'd ever dared, I pressed her body against mine, and lifted her face to my lips, kissing her fiercely. I quickly set her down and could feel all the love I had for her, all the weeks of turmoil and suppressed passion, burning in my eyes as I stared into hers.

As I forced myself to turn away from her, I felt all of that love and passion compressing into one lump deep in my chest, draining myself of feeling as I metaphorically tore myself in half to leave her side.

I raced out to the jeep and jumped into the back seat, next to the oversized backpack. Carlisle drove quickly away and I forced myself to only pay attention to the tracker. As soon as he had committed to following us, I called Esme's phone.

"He's following us," I whispered into the phone, "Keep Charlie safe for Bella." She acknowledged and quickly hung up.

I listened for the female's mind as Esme and Rosalie drove away.

Ah, and now the real game begins. Her thoughts were as horribly jubilant as James' were when she took off after them, violent, primal, yet strategic. Her only goal was to help James get to Bella.

Quickly calling Alice's phone, I let her know that Victoria was following the truck and it was time for them to take Bella away. We were still close enough that I could read her mind as she decided to get the car, leaving Jasper alone with Bella.

Suddenly, the lump in my chest swelled and felt like it was burning as we drove farther away. I had to see Bella one last time, and looked through Jasper's mind as he was watching Bella, taking in her emotions of guilt and feelings of unworthiness. Tears were pouring down her face.

"You're wrong you know," he said quietly.

"What?" she gasped, chocking on her tears.

"I can feel what you're feeling now - and you are worth it."

"I'm not. If anything happens to them, it will be for nothing."

Jasper felt the waves of self degradation emanating from Bella and smiled kindly at her, "Your wrong," he said again. He thought of me and how I'd changed and grown to love her. Then he thought of her bravery, and loyalty by keeping our secret safe.

I wondered at the strength of his control, we'd never left him alone with a human before, and yet, his control didn't waver.

With a shock I realized the difference that I could never see before, and I felt a respect for my brother that I hadn't before. I realized just how difficult I must have made his life, his thirst must have been so much harder to manage when he sensed, not only each family members struggle to control themselves, but, my own desire for Bella's blood. He'd carried the burdens of all of us… especially mine. I knew then that Bella would be safe with them, and I forced myself to let go as we drove farther away.

Concentrating only on the hunter's base mind, I let the murderous anger take control of me.

Impatience -22

Edward, is he close enough to hear us? Carlisle looked at me in the rear-view mirror as he sped up.

"No, he's dropping farther behind. It's getting harder to hear his mind, but he's committed to following us."

He thinks she's with us. Emmett grinned at Carlisle, thinking of what he'd added to the back-pack. "That recording of the heart-beat was a good idea."

"Alice is truly invaluable to us, and adding some of Bella's clothes to the back-pack was a good choice, Emmett. I'm sure that helped to confuse the scent." Carlisle pointed out.

I rolled my eyes, this was hardly the time to be complimenting each other on a job well done when the job wasn't finished. The anger that I felt toward the tracker and to myself only became frustrating as I thought of the many hours of driving we had ahead of us before I'd be able to do anything.

I bet he thinks that Bella is in the back-pack.

"Emmett, he doesn't think that she's in the back-pack. He didn't see us take it to the jeep, and if he did see it, he wouldn't have believed she was in there."

"What? Why not? She'd fit. She's only like, five four right?"

"Just because she's petite doesn't mean she'd fit in the back-pack." Why were we having this argument?

"Hey, that is the largest internal frame back-pack at Newton's. She'd totally fit."

"If he thinks she's with us," Carlisle said, ignoring our argument, "Then we should try to avoid the appearance that we want him to follow us."

I nodded. "We shouldn't take any ferry routes" - Not that they'd be running in the middle of the night - "And stick to going straight through the bigger cities, driving as if she really were with us."

An external frame would be obvious, sure, but the internal would work. Emmett thought as he found some coins in the seat next to him and began to rattle them around in his fist. Emmett began thinking of a new wager and putting Bella in the back-pack as soon as all this was over to prove it to me.

I groaned at his logic, and was too frustrated in every way to have patience with anyone at the moment. "You're not going to put her in the back-pack, Emmett." Even if it were possible I wouldn't let him try it.

"I bet she could fold up enough to fit in there."

"Not happening."

He shrugged. "It was just a thought," he said, and then began to juggle the coins, grasping each between his pointer finger and thumb as he tossed the five coins alternately in a fountain pattern.

I had never felt so stressed, so up-tight as I was at this moment. Even under normal circumstances it was excruciating to be away from Bella, but to be away from her with a danger hanging over her head like this, was torture.

I watched Emmett absentmindedly juggling. The clanking sound that the coins made as they alternately hit his palm was getting on my nerves.

I thought back to when I was driving the jeep, not many hours ago, and Bella was beside me. I was so happy then, so free of all this anxiety as if I were a younger more innocent version of myself, and it had only barely lasted for two days.

Two days!

I'd only been able to keep Bella safe from my world for two measly days.

"Hey, Edward, do you have any more quarters?"

"No," I snapped, "and those weren't mine to begin with."

Hmm… maybe a button…? I wish I hadn't worn a pullover. "Oh," Emmett said, leaning forward. "Never mind, there's more on the floor." He added the four new coins to the others that he was still juggling in one hand.

No, they weren't mine. With a painful stab to the lump in my chest, I realized that they must have been Bella's. Probably falling out of her coat pocket when she bounced up and down on the drive to the clearing. So many reminders of her, of a happier time, brief though it was. I wanted her to have that happy time again, and that meant I needed to focus.

Bella must be safe.

I listened for the trackers mind again, annoyed that it was still so far away that I could barely hear the tone. He seemed committed to following us, certain that I was most likely to have her with me. As hard as it was, I knew that it had been right to send Bella with Jasper and Alice. She was safer away from me.

Carlisle was thinking through our route. Of traveling North and then driving along the coast through Port Angeles. He had debated if taking the 101 South to Olympia was better than cutting across on the 104 to by-pass it, going directly to Tacoma. Traffic wasn't going to be an issue at this time of night, however, and going farther South through Olympia had won out. Taking the longer way meant that Alice, Jasper, and Bella would have more time to get to Phoenix undetected.

The few hours that it took to drive North of Olympia was even more frustrating. Even though I wanted James to follow us as long as possible to give them that extra time, I grew more impatient each passing minute to end this, to end him.

What were we doing? Why didn't we take him out right away in the clearing when I knew he'd never give up tracking her? Hearing the tone of Carlisle's mind reminded me; We had to give them a chance to change. If we'd fought in the clearing we'd have had to kill all three of them and it probably would have traumatized Bella to see all that. No, it was better to draw him away from her and then finish this

The tracker was too far behind us by now for me to catch many of his thoughts. Occasionally, I could barely get a glimpse into his mind, but it was too far away for me to hear what he was saying. Like a crowded hallway of voices, there were too many minds and too much distance between us to understand the words in his head. I occasionally could sense the tone of his thoughts, the euphoric feeling, and base intent that I'd tuned into in the clearing, but it was hardly helpful.

Frustrating.

The drive through Seattle wasn't a problem without the normal traffic we would have met during the day, but that was hardly comforting. I kept worrying that he wouldn't continue to follow us, that somehow we would lose him and he'd find Bella. Even with all of our careful planning, it could happen. I couldn't hear him. How would we know if he turned around? When would we know it?

I wanted to tear him apart. I wanted to let the anger filling my every thought be released on his vile form, but all we could do was sit and drive. There was too much room in my head. I couldn't pay attention to James because he was too far away, and I couldn't do anything. My mind wandered to Bella and I had too much room to worry, to much unused space that I began to think of what she looked like when I last saw her. Her face flooded with tears. It was too painful, too excruciating to be away from her. Even though I knew I could trust Jasper and Alice, I couldn't help the anxiety that came when I wasn't distracted.

The sky began to lighten as we drove between the rainbow of tulip fields near Mount Vernon. It looked as if they were having some sort of festival. The signs and banners strung here and there indicated as much. Never driving through here at this time of year, I hadn't realized they held anything like this. The rows and rows of tulips blanketing the hills looked like brightly colored quilts stretching out on either side of the road. I couldn't help but notice the beauty in the landscape and immediately wish that Bella could see it with me. In fact, anything that I saw, the lights of the Space Needle as we drove through Seattle, the moss hanging down the cement walls along the free-way, and now the rows and rows of multicolored blooms. Each moment I wished that Bella could be beside me.

I knew it was sick and twisted to want that when a tracker was behind us, intent on taking her life. I didn't want her with me so close to that danger, but waiting these hours, sitting still, listening to Emmett juggle, was starting to take it's toll on me. I doubted that I would ever see anything beautiful alone and not have a desire to share the experience with her, but I didn't want her with me in these circumstances.

She needed to stay safe, and I would make her safe again. Perhaps I could bring her here another time? No, I shouldn't think of that right now. After putting her through this, she might decide that she doesn't want to spend more time with me.

These last few hours had been torturous, painful, and mostly frustrating. I needed to think of something else.

Forcing myself to think about our strategy, I spoke to Carlisle, "With the light increasing, James will have to steal a car of some kind to be less conspicuous."

"Have you been able to hear any of his plans?" Carlisle asked.

"No." I ground my teeth in frustration.

Emmett turned to Carlisle. "How much farther till we get to set up the ambush?" I rolled my eyes at his childlike tone.

"We need to lead him into Canada, farther away from the cities. I don't want to be near a large population when we hunt him."

"Yes, but what if he doesn't follow us that far?" I asked, frustrated again. "We should turn sooner."

"We've already discussed this, and I'm not going to do that, Edward. He would be too dangerous to any humans in that position, and we would be too conspicuous to hunt him properly." We'll need miles of unpopulated area for this to work the best, and Alice and Jasper need as much time as we can give them to get Bella away.

"You worry too much, bro. Just because you can't read him…" Emmett smirked as he turned away from me. Now you're getting a taste of how the rest of us feel.

But it wasn't just that, I needed to do something, and the longer I was away from Bella the more consuming this desire was. I couldn't seem to be still. An immortal with the capacity to sit or stand without moving for centuries, and my fingers were twitching. The minutes, seconds, drug slowly by and I could barely stay in my seat. My limbs twitched involuntarily as I kept searching for the tracker's thoughts. I was going to be the only immortal with tick. Great, more fodder for Emmett's humor.

When we were finally stopped at the Canadian border, I caught the sound of the trackers mind again and was mildly reassured. At least he was still following us, for now.

Carlisle and Emmett discussed how they were going to set up the ambush. Dropping me off first, then looping around, Carlisle would be next, and then Emmett. We could come at him from all sides as he closed in on our position.

Crossing the border of Washington and Canada didn't take long, and we continued North toward Williams Lake. I forced myself to concentrate only on the trackers mind. If he deviated from this course now we would need to know immediately if that happened. These last hours were the most excruciating to live through. Each thing that he thought were just out of my reach and at each moment I was afraid that he would realize she wasn't with us and change course.

It was early in the afternoon when we were traveling West away from Williams Lake. We had to slow down when the paved road turned to gravel. I ignored the beauty of the river and lakes that we drove along and past. Soon we would track the Tracker and I couldn't afford a laps in concentration, not when we were so close.

Being farther away from the high populations of the cities made hearing his mind slightly easier, but he was still far behind us. More untrusting than before, but this could still work.

The road briefly turned from the gravel to paved again and we drove past a small airport. Then back to the gravel as we drove the incline into the mountains. A sign said Heckman Pass 1524 and we found a back road going north toward Tsitsutl Pk. Carlisle thought of the maps he'd memorized of Canada, remembering that the altitude would be 2478 ft at that point and intended to drive as far as he could on this back road. The higher ground would work to our advantage.

Is James still behind us, Edward? Carlisle wondered, slowing down slightly as the bumps in the road became too large to overcome quickly.

"Yes, he is behind us but he's growing more suspicious. More impatient." I shook my head, concentrating harder on his mind. "We aren't going to be able to lead him much farther."

"This will be fine then." Carlisle nodded, determined. "Get ready to jump out, Edward. If you hear any change in his thoughts, call us immediately and we'll meet back up. Otherwise, follow the plan."

I put the back-pack on and opened the door while the jeep flew over the ruts and bumps in the dirt road. I jumped from the jeep into a nearby tree and waited.

A few miles up the road Carlisle stopped the jeep and got out, while Emmett ran into the woods to the west. If the hunter came near us now he would fall right into our trap, and there would be no escape for him.

The minutes ticked by as I waited, listening for his mind. He was still there, but wasn't coming closer. Carlisle knew how impatient I was for this to end and kept repeating the plan in his mind to keep me in position. He'd followed us for this long, why wouldn't he keep coming? This was the best place to wait.

I hated waiting.

Then I heard him. Still too far away for our trap, but I heard him speak. He was on the phone. "Keep looking," he said impatiently. "This isn't working, she's not with them." Then I saw for an instant through his mind as he turned around and ran back to the stolen car that he'd left on the side of the road. He drove off, heading East, and I couldn't see clearly through his mind any more.

I phoned Carlisle while I ran, "We've got to move. He's heading back the way we came. He knows she's not with us!"

Carlisle acknowledged and hung up.

I dropped the now useless back-pack so that I could run faster.

I was able to do something now instead of sit still and he was getting away. This was not happening. I sped up and was able to catch a few of his thoughts.

… airport…patience…his thoughts were calculating, but I couldn't catch enough words for it to make sense. …predictable…why should I…?

I was running East on the gravel road, Emmett had already jumped into the jeep while Carlisle drove behind me. I couldn't tell how far back they were, but I wasn't going to slow down. I had to catch up to him before he was out of reach.

Trying to look through his mind, I began to get a clearer view as I drew closer to him. He was driving even faster as the road changed from gravel to paved and he was looking at a small airport. A plane for higher was on the runway, three people who looked like tourists were getting into it. He got out of the car and jogged toward the plane. It was a de Havilland DHC-2 Beaver, usually these were floatplanes, but this particular one had wheels and a turbine conversion.

I heard a strangers mind driving toward me, and had to slow my speed to a human's pace. At least it was cloudy enough today so that the sun wouldn't stop me. Slowly running was maddening when he was only a few miles ahead of me. The van drove by just as Carlisle and Emmett caught up with me. I jumped into the jeep.

"He's at the airport that we passed earlier, Carlisle," I said as Carlisle sped up.

"Even if we caught up with him we wouldn't be able to kill him there," Carlisle noted, thinking of the probable witnesses.

When we drove up to the airport the plane was just taking off. The Trackers mind mocked us as he looked out the window. Carlisle rolled down his window and called to a man who appeared to be a mechanic. "Excuse me, the plane that just took off, where is it going?"

"Oh, that's a touring plane. It'll be out for about two and a half hours going around Monarch mountain and the falls and North over the park," the man said as he scratched his five o-clock shadow.

"And will the plane land here after the tour?" Carlisle asked him.

"Oh, well, no. That particular one lands back at the airport near Burns lake." The man looked over his shoulder and then looked back at Carlisle, putting his hand to his face like he was telling a secret. "That one was specially hired by a film crew." He winked and nodded. "They're going to shoot a movie around here and wanted to get the lay of the land."

"I see, and the fastest way for us to reach Burns lake would be…?"

"Well, the fastest would be a plane, of course, but all ours are out." The man said this as if he worked on dozens of planes, but I could only picture four in his mind. "Driving there though, you'd need to head back East to Williams Lake and then head North on 97. Get on 16 at Prince George and you'll find Burns."

"Thank you very much." Carlisle said and waved as we drove away. He was much better at acting like nothing was wrong than I could at the moment. More hours of driving lay ahead of us, and now we were the ones chasing James. This was getting more complicated than it should have been.

"Carlisle, he was on the phone just before he turned back," I said trying to keep my voice calm. "We should call Esme and find out what Victoria's been doing."

Carlisle nodded and flipped his phone open. He talked to Esme first and then Rosalie, getting as much information of what Victoria was up to as he could. I listened closely so that when I was able to call Bella I would be able to reassure her about her father. James had said, "Keep looking." I remembered, grateful that Victoria was coming up empty. There wasn't anything for her to find, of course. I could calm down right? We just needed to get to James. End this quickly and be done.

As we turned North again, night was creeping over the sky. This had been the longest day of my life. If I thought I was frustrated before when I could barely read him, I was a hundred times as frustrated now when I couldn't hear his mind at all. He could be anywhere and Bella wasn't with me. The anxiety felt so thick around me that I could almost feel it weighing me down.

As we took the long drive to Burns Lake, the storm clouds gathered and the wind began to blow. Rain pelted the roof of the jeep and lighting flashed across the sky. I couldn't believe that we'd been on this "hunt" for almost 24 hours. Ridiculous. I would need to call Bella, to hear her voice and make sure she was safe before I lost my mind. Then still several miles before we got to the airport, a road block stopped us.

"What's going on, Edward?" Emmett asked.

I groaned at the absurd bad luck. "Lighting hit some power lines and they're down on the road."

"How long will the wait be?" Carlisle asked, looking at me in the rear-view mirror.

I listened to the hurried minds as they worked around the accident. "No one has been seriously injured," I assured him, "but a semi is blocking the road." It must have stopped too quickly for the power-lines and was now diagonal, blocking the road and adding to the amount of time it would take to get the traffic moving again.

"Great," Emmett said sarcastically. "We need to plan closer to home the next time someone wants to kill your girlfriend."

"Next time?"

"Well, if you're not going to change her into one of us it seems pretty likely." Emmett shrugged, "Not that I mind the excitement," he added, grinning.

This was so wrong in so many ways, and just sitting here was making me panicky. Had the plane already landed? Was he already gone? This plan had gone from bad to worse.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and listened for the trackers mind to ease the madness that was creeping over me. There were so many frazzled minds between us and the small airport, but I ignored them reaching my mind out, sifting through all the trivial thoughts. Then, amazingly, I heard him.

"…Stay in Forks… When I…" He was on the phone again, and I was able to catch a few broken sentences. "Make sure… I'll be on a plane…" I couldn't catch any more, but what I heard might be enough.

"I just heard him, Carlisle. He's getting on another plane. I think he's headed back to Forks."

"No problem then." Emmett grinned. "We'll just head back there and take him out in our own back yard."

I groaned, thinking that the long ride back would probably be even more torturous than the drive North had been.

"We need to call Alice," I said. "Maybe she's seen something. What he might be planning."

"Before we turn back," Carlisle said, "should we go to the airport to see if we can find out where he's going?"

"We could, but if we keep following him like this, driving from air port to air port to catch a lead or a scent, we'll lose him for sure."

Carlisle nodded and turned the jeep around to head back the way we'd come, then reached for his phone to call Alice. Relief washed through me as I realized that I would be able to hear Bella's voice in a few seconds.

"Alice."

"Carlisle."

"I know it's late, but is Bella awake?" Carlisle knew how anxious I was to talk to her.

"Yes," I heard Alice say. Even though I was glad she was awake I was bothered that she must not be sleeping well. Everything she did effected her health, and I didn't want her to worry. It wasn't good for her, and I was worrying enough for both of us.

"James is on a plane, and from what Edward hear in his mind we think he might be heading back to Forks. Did you see anything to give us an idea of where he might be going?"

"I just saw him. He was in a long room with mirrors everywhere and a gold stripe went all along the mirrors around the room. The floor was wooden and he was waiting there. Something was missing though - another decision hasn't been made yet. Then I saw him again in another room that was dark and he was running a VCR. That room was in another place. Whatever made him get on that plane… it was leading him to those rooms." For some reason hearing Alice's description wasn't comforting at all. The room didn't sound familiar and we barely had an idea of where he could be. I had to talk to Bella.

"Carlisle?"

He nodded. "Alice can you put Bella on? Edward would like to speak to her."

"Yes… Bella?"

I took the phone quickly.

"Hello?" Bella breathed.

"Bella." It was such a relief to hear her voice.

"Oh, Edward! I was so worried."

Bella," I sighed, frustrated that she wasn't taking care of herself. "I told you not to worry about anything but yourself."

"Where are you?"

"We're outside of Vancouver." I said, observing the highway as we sped farther South. "Bella, I'm sorry - we lost him. He seems suspicious of us - he's careful to stay just far enough away that I can't hear what he's thinking. But he's gone now - it looks like he got on a plane. We think he's heading back to Forks to start over."

"I know. Alice saw that he got away."

"You don't have to worry, though," I said quickly. "He won't find anything to lead him to you. You just have to stay there and wait till we find him again."

"I'll be fine. Is Esme with Charlie?"

"Yes - the female has been in town. She went to the house, but while Charlie was at work. She hasn't gone near him, so don't be afraid. He's safe with Esme and Rosalie watching."

"What is she doing?" Bella's voice still sounded worried.

"Probably trying to pick up the trail. She's been all through the town during the night. Rosalie traced her through the airport, all the roads around town, the school … she's digging, Bella, but there's nothing to find."

"And you're sure Charlie's safe?"

"Yes, Esme won't let him out of her sight. And we'll be there soon. If the tracker gets anywhere near Forks, we'll have him."

"I miss you," she whispered.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know." Hearing her pale voice made the lump in my chest ache. "It's like you've taken half of my self away with you." My better half.

"Come and get it, then," her weak voice challenged.

"Soon, as soon as I possibly can," I said reassuringly, but I was determined to fix this. "I will make you safe first."

"I love you," she said tenderly.

"Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"

"Yes, I can actually." I would never understand how she could keep accepting me with what I keep putting her through, but I wasn't going to argue. I needed her too much.

"I'll come for you soon."

"I'll be waiting," she said, and then I hung up. I hated long good-byes, they were more painful than short ones, and "soon" wouldn't come quickly enough.

The hours driving South were one long blur of painful thoughts for me. Guilt, fear for Bella, guessing and second guessing each choice that we could make, and contingency plans filled my mind.

When we got to Seattle, Rosalie called us and said that Victoria had gotten away from her. She'd lost her trail when Victoria went into the Sound near Port Ludlow. As if I didn't have enough to worry me. Now Victoria and James were out of our sights.

It was early in the morning though still dark, and we were just South of Seattle when Alice called.

"Carlisle, he's here, or soon will be."

If my heart were beating it would have stopped at her words.

Carlisle immediately took the next exit off the highway intent on getting to SeaTac airport. "What did you see Alice?"

"I saw the same room as before. He was running the TV and VCR again, but it was lighter. Later this morning I would guess, and Bella recognized the picture that I drew. It was her mother's house."

"We're coming right away to take Bella somewhere safe. You and Jasper will need to re-locate nearer to her mother's house." Carlisle's mind was more stressed than I'd ever heard it. "We'll call you as soon as we board the first flight out of Seattle and let you know when to meet us."

If there was more to their conversation, I didn't hear it. My mind was numb. More literally than usual, I was a dead man walking as we got to the airport and bought our tickets. Going through security and the few hours we waited to board the plane felt longer than any other moment of my existence. As anxious as I always felt when I was away from her, adding a sadistic hunter near her location was unbelievably easier for me to think of than the thought of how afraid Bella would be right now.

"Edward," Emmett punched my shoulder. Close your eyes. People are going to think you're dead just sitting there staring like that.

I obeyed and closed my eyes, unable to give him any other response, and tried to relax my muscles enough to appear asleep to anyone that looked at me. The hundreds of minds around me buzzed in my brain, a garble of words that I couldn't pay attention to now even if I wanted to listen.

After a span of time that felt much longer than it probably was, Emmett punched my shoulder again.

"Uh, wake up. They're ready to board."

I glanced at the clock on the wall, near the "Terminal B" sign, and read 5:30 amz. Had it only been three and a half hours? I heard Carlisle on the phone with Alice, but none of their conversation registered in my mind.

Carlisle hung up and then stepped forward in the line and I got up to follow him, barely able to keep up the human façade in my numbness. I was too still, too slow to look natural.

My mind was slowly torturing me. I had only brought us both misery. Was love supposed to be so painful?

I slumped into my assigned seat, not bothering to look around and dropped my head into my hands. How many hours till I was near her again? It didn't matter. Knowing how much time was left would not make living through these hours less painful.

I would always love her, I knew this beyond any doubt. My entire being had been forever changed by her existence and I would always feel this pain, this torture over her life, of her being hurt, of any separation I endured, but would Bella? Putting her through this torture was even more

unendurable than living through it myself, but she wasn't a vampire and couldn't love me as much as I loved her. I could take comfort in that right? That she wasn't suffering as much as I was?

I remembered what she'd said that night on the drive home from Port Angeles. "It doesn't matter what you are. It's too late." Then I spoke harshly and made her cry. I wish I hadn't made her cry, but she couldn't understand the kind of love I felt for her. The kind of love and constancy that my kind always felt. We didn't change, yet humans change all the time. I'd never seen the kind of love in the minds of any human that I did in vampires. None of my kind fell in love more than once and when we did meet our mates we would die rather than live without them. The stories that Jasper told of the wars in the South were proof of that. The killing would never end because someone would lose a mate and revenge was inevitable, the cycle would continue.

There wasn't, couldn't be a happily ever after for our love story. No matter what I did, I hurt her. In some way I would hurt her. Was picking the lesser of two evils a sin? Could it be considered good to choose a wrong thing just because it wasn't as wrong as something else? But wrong for who? Everything I did needed to be those choices that would be best for Bella. If I loved her less I could be more selfish, but anything less than what was best for her was also unendurable.

"Excuse me sir." The flight attendant said, breaking into my thoughts. "Would you like a drink? A pillow?" A blanket… a shoulder to cry on… her thoughts trailed off in a direction that I wasn't willing to pay attention to. I glared up at her. Oh, he looks so sad. I saw myself through her mind, surprised at how sorry she suddenly was for me, and realized how terrible I looked. No wonder Carlisle and Emmett kept eyeing me, afraid I'd fly apart at any moment.

"No, thank you," I said to her, trying to make my voice sound more friendly.

"Just let me know if you need anything." I wonder if it was his mother, or sister, some close relative or friend for sure. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back pretending to fall asleep and wondered vaguely what she meant. The hardest time for them is when they are traveling to a funeral.

I felt my face twist up at the shock of her words and had to turn my face toward the window. It was true, it could happen too easily, too quickly.

No, I had to calm down. I wasn't going to a funeral, she was fine. She was with Jasper and Alice. She would be safe, just afraid. I just needed to take her away from there. Somewhere James wouldn't think of looking for her. It was sick and wrong for me to be glad of an excuse to stay with her when I was the cause of this danger, but I could endure anything if I could only be near her.

I wanted to comfort her, to hold her in my arms and know that she was safe. Safe from anything that could ever hurt her. The irony of Bella being truly safe in that position was not lost of me. I was still more of a danger to her than any other. Ours was the most excruciating of love stories. No fictional story, no matter how outlandish, could ever come close to expressing the depth of my love for her combined with the fear and turmoil that I felt at the thought of seeing her hurt and especially of being the one to hurt her.

I remembered the piercing scream that involuntarily tore through Bella's throat when I was driving her truck, when Emmett jumped in the back and she'd thought it was James. That scream, so often I had expected and even wished to hear her scream and run away from me, yet actually hearing her scream in fear was more terrifying to me than almost anything else. I imagined her terror and that scream rang in my mind.

I couldn't stand the thought of her being afraid. We will be there soon. I kept telling myself. She'll be fine, just afraid and worried.

I pictured how we would be getting off the plane, going through the airport, and finally I would see her on the other side of security waiting for me. I would go to her and she would melt into my arms and we would both be whole again.

Soon. I told myself.

I needed to be calm when I saw her again. My morose thoughts wouldn't help Bella when I was near her again. I began to listen to the trivial thoughts around me just as a distraction. Realizing then that we were beginning the descent, I shuffled through the minds around me and below me, searching for Alice or Jasper.

Where did I put that?

Wow, 15 minutes early. That's a first.

I wonder if the dog is all right.

Was that gate 18?

They don't even give out peanuts anymore!

My I.D.?

Where's a bathroom when you want one?

Italian sounds good right about now…

Oh, we're finally here…

I kept searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack as I listened to each of the hundreds of buzzing thoughts swarming in my mind. We landed and the plane was taxiing around the run-way as I kept searching. So many mundane thoughts, I wasn't sure if my previous occupation had been better for my sanity than this. At least it was keeping me from depressing myself more. I would see her soon and everything would be fine.

Toothpaste… baby formula… Yuck, where is that burp rag?

I'm never going to wear a shirt with metal snaps again…

These are so expensive, but she'd really like it…

He has my mom… I'd found Jasper. He was reading something. A note from Bella. … Don't be angry with Alice and Jasper. If I get away from them it will be a miracle. As Jasper read the note I began to feel the horror in his mind. And please, please don't come after him. That's what he wants, I think. I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you. Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me. I love you. Forgive me. Bella.

Barely able to control my voice, I turned to Carlisle across the isle from me and said, "She's gone to find him."

Hide-and-Seek - 23

What? She's not here?

She went to find James? Carlisle was almost as shocked as Emmett.

I nodded, unable to say more.

Why would she do that?

How did she know where to go…?

Their questions swirled around my mind as my own did, but the "whys" didn't matter; all I could think about was how to find her.

What could I do?

"Please keep your seatbelt on until the plane has come to a complete stop," the bored voice came over the speakers.

Suddenly, I felt like ripping the side of the plane off. I could leave the seatbelt on if they wanted, but it wouldn't be staying in the plane or attached to the seat.

Whoa, Edward, calm down. Emmett was looking at me, and I saw my own crazed-looking face through his mind. It's all right-they'll know where she's gone and we'll find them. My fists were shaking as I tried to control myself.

Yes, we'll find them, but in what condition?

Edward, Carlisle looked pointedly at me, find Alice and Jasper again and concentrate. We need to know as much as possible so we can act immediately.

I made myself concentrate and found Alice easily.

No, no! I should have been more careful. "Has the plane landed yet?" Alice asked Jasper. I wondered why she didn't know. Alice was never taken by surprise.

"I think so." They couldn't see any of the planes from where they were outside of security, but Jasper was looking at the reader board of the flights. Our flight had come early - at 9:30 a.m.

It's my fault. I should have stayed with her. How could she do this? Alice's thoughts were in turmoil and she kept chanting one thing … The future can change… the future can change… but she didn't believe it.

Then I saw the vision that she'd been trying to hold back, that kept repeating itself in her mind and had kept her from knowing if we'd arrived yet: The room that she'd described before, long rectangular, with floor length mirrors paneling the walls all around the room. The gold stripe, a metal bar followed the length of the mirrors, and against the left wall, crumpled on the floor was Bella. Shattered glass was scattered under and over her from the broken mirror that she was pressed against. Her blood stained the shards of glass and the wooden floor. Her leg was bent at an odd angle, and her hair was matted with blood, tangled over the glass. Her arm was flopped over her face, dried blood striped her arm, and she was perfectly still.

"We have to hurry," I said through my teeth. The future would change.

Emmett and Carlisle nodded. As soon as the plane fully stopped, we were out of our seats and to the exit before the other passengers had time to stretch.

Well, someone's in a hurry.

"Thank you for flying…" an attendant started to say as we hurried past but stopped speaking when she saw my determined expression.

"This way." I motioned to Carlisle and Emmett. We wove our way through the crowds. Most people stepped quickly out of Emmett's way, thinking he looked like a bulldog intent on terrorism. I listened for Jasper's mind again. He felt us coming and just as we were drawing closer a security guard watched our expressions and saw that we had no luggage and became suspicious. He didn't come toward us, however, and I led Carlisle and Emmett farther to the right through a group of white-capped tourists.

Alice's eyes were frantic, even with Jasper trying to calm her down. Jasper and Alice both were apologizing in their minds, blaming themselves, but there was no time. I couldn't feel angry-I couldn't feel anything yet except the need to hurry. We would get there in time. She would not die because of me.

We hurried up to them, and Alice started to say, "Edward, I'm sorry…" she choked on the words.

"There's no time," I said. "Do you know the address?"

Fifty-eighth street and Cactus. They remembered in unison.

"Let's go."

The five of us hurried as quickly as we dared to the glass exit doors. "Where did you park?"

"In the garage," Jasper said.

Not fast enough! "Carlisle, Alice? Get the car and meet us there." I ordered, frustrated at the sunlight forcing us to stay in the shadow under the walkway. "Jasper?" I raised an eyebrow, and he intuitively knew what I was thinking as I nodded toward the only car near us in the shade that we stood in. A man and woman stepped from the car, leaving it running. She was just dropping him off because she was late for a meeting. He opened the trunk, pulled out his luggage, and then closed the trunk.

She turned to him ready to give him a quick kiss good bye. Such a silly ritual, I need to hurry, but he'd be angry if I didn't kiss him goodbye.

Immediately, Jasper created waves of affection and passion that wrapped around them as they kissed. Their thoughts were no longer coherent as the peck turned into a very distracted French kiss.

Taking advantage of the moment, we quickly got into their car and stole away.

What a way to go. Emmett thought from the back seat. I bet the guy won't even mind that we took his car. Not that he'll notice for another five minutes at least. Emmett chuckled quietly.

I drove quickly through the airport, easily avoiding pedestrians as I carefully listened to the minds of everyone we passed. Alice and Carlisle were behind a few cars in the line waiting to pay and exit the garage. I saw the vision in Alice's mind again. Nothing had changed. We needed to move faster. Any advantage that I could take while we drove could be that one extra second that meant saving her life or being too late.

"Jasper, look at a map for me and pick the fastest route," I directed. He easily found a map in the glove compartment and scanned it.

I saw the first turn that we should take in his mind and tore through the intersection, barely turning left before the light turned red. I memorized the route through Jasper's mind and quickly wove between cars, their horns blaring only when we were blocks ahead.

Why did she do this? How could she think that offering herself to James would help anyone? Her note had said that she couldn't bear it if I got hurt, but she didn't- couldn't understand that it was impossible for me to let James live if he hurt her, and it was also impossible for me to continue existing if she was not alive. Sacrificing herself would mean nothing in the end. A wasted life.

I couldn't endure that. I sped through a red light, dodging the cars coming toward us on either side and wondered if that one choice would be enough to get me there in time to stop him.

Alice and Carlisle were now a few miles behind us, catching up slightly, as they also ignored all traffic rules. I saw the vision in Alice's mind again, still no difference.

"We're not moving fast enough," I said as despair washed over me I sped up even more, dogging cars and bumping into others as I wove my way through traffic and farther ahead. Horns blared far behind us like warning beacons in my mind, pushing me onward with their sound waves.

I had never fully thought what I would do without her. If she chose another, I knew I would just continue to love her from a distance, but if she died now (or in old age,) I knew I could not continue to exist if she wasn't in the world. I glanced at Jasper, his face was twisted in pain as he felt the despair and fear that churned inside of me and knew that he wouldn't help me. Emmett wouldn't agree to help me end my life either. The Volturi might be the only way. I could provoke them in some way and then they would have to kill me to abide by the law. It could work.

No, I wouldn't think of that now. Bella would be all right. I couldn't let her die like this, all because of me. It was always my fault. No matter what I did, I hurt her, but I could fix it if I could only get there in time.

The future could change. I've seen it happen.

I would make it change. I played bumper cars with anything too close to me and tried to hurry even more. Taking a chance on a short-cut that I'd memorized from the map, I drove on the wrong side of the multi-lane road for an instant. The tires squealed as I turned onto a side street.

Alice was still a few miles behind us, close enough for me to read her, and suddenly I saw that the vision did change. Bella was still crumpled quiet and bloody on the shards of glass, but James was leaning over her. It was altering, I was getting closer and wracked my brain for any other short cut that I could take to save another second.

One second meant her life or death.

We were almost there, three more miles before the turn onto the residential street and then the ballet studio.

Ah, I hope she runs at least.

I could hear him and see through his eyes that Bella wasn't dead. His view of her and thoughts were a sickening reminder of the rapist in Port Angeles that had wanted Bella to scream and run so he could chase her. James crouched down and leered at Bella's terrified expression. Waiting patiently for her to run.

I felt sick as the anger churned in the pit of my stomach.

And she did run.

James rejoiced, leaping over her, and punched her sternum-he grinned, euphoric at the crunching sound. Bella flew backwards and crashed into the mirrored wall. Shattered particles rained down on top of her, and she crumpled to the ground, gasping.

"NO!" I roared.

Jasper jumped as the jolt of emotion vibrated through him.

"He's hurting her. We've got to move faster!"

I bumped into the car ahead of me pushing it forward and squeezed the banged up stolen car through the traffic and up onto the sidewalk.

"I thought this room would be visually dramatic for my little film. That's why I picked this place to meet you. It's perfect, isn't it?" He chuckled as he saw Bella pathetically crawling through the glass trying to get to the door, and then he was leaning over her, stomping down on her leg.

I roared deafeningly in the small space. A red tinge covered my vision. Jasper momentarily grabbed the steering wheel, knowing the state I was in, and dodged the mailbox that I could barely see.

Bella screamed. A piercing shriek of fear and agony tearing from her throat.

James grinned. Ah, it's so dramatic when they scream. "Would you like to rethink your last request?" He nudged her broken leg and was delighted to hear her scream again. "Wouldn't you rather have Edward try to find me?"

"No!" she gasped, her voice shaking. "No, Edward, don't-" He back-handed her mouth, and her head slammed into the broken mirror.

A growl tore from my throat, and I dodged a hydrant on the sidewalk, breaking down a picket fence as I skidded around the corner of 58th Street.

James breathed in Bella's scent and watched the blood gushing from the back of her head-in a few minutes he wouldn't be able to resist feeding.

I spotted the ballet studio and slammed the gas peddle to the floor. The car launched up the curb, skidding over the grass and walkway to the front door.

"Hold your breath, she's bleeding!" I said and yanked on the emergency break, ripping the door from the car as I jumped out and ran inside.

James was leaning over her just as I saw in the vision, but he was too focused to realize quickly enough that I was behind him. I pulled him off of her. Pinning his arms behind his back, I handed him over to Jasper and Emmett. Both were growling at him, horrified at what he'd done to Bella. They took him out of the room to kill him, so that Bella's blood wouldn't tempt them.

As much as I wanted to kill him myself, nothing else mattered at that moment except Bella. My only love was broken and bleeding at my feet, not making a sound, not even able to scream in pain.

"Oh no, Bella, no!" I yelled, forgetting the anger as grief filled me. Her eyes were closed, and she didn't move. Was she breathing? I couldn't tell, and I didn't know what to do.

Emmett and Jasper were tearing James apart. The crunching and snapping sound of his limbs, his shrieks and growls, were no relief to me. I couldn't find the energy to relish his death or even care, because Bella was dying.

"Bella, please!" I fell to the floor beside her. "Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please!" I begged her, on my knees, groveling beside her and trying to see if she was breathing - if she was conscious at all. She didn't move, didn't sigh, not even a groan escaped her lips.

I was too late.

Dry heaving sobs shook my throat.

Suddenly, I heard Carlisle and Alice coming. Carlisle. "Carlisle!" He could help her. She has to live!

"Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" I rocked forward and back as the tearless sobs tore a hole through the lump in my chest; my greatest fear lay before me, rending my heart and mind into shreds.

Gasping, my voice shook as I called her again, "Bella!" I choked, but she couldn't answer.

She lay perfectly still.

"She's lost some blood, but the head wound isn't deep." Carlisle spoke methodically as he examined her wounds, feeling along her head and arms for broken bones, "Watch out for her leg," he said as he looked her over. "It's broken."

Involuntarily, a fierce growl strangled my sobs and rage blurred my vision, but I would not leave her side to get at James. There was still a chance, Bella could be all right.

Carlisle felt along her torso, and she winced. "Some ribs, too, I think." She will live Edward. Her injuries are extensive, but not life-threatening.

I saw her move! She is going to be all right. She has to be.

"Edward," Bella said, sounding as if she were coming out of a deep sleep.

"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella?" Her eyes still weren't open. "I love you." I choked on the words. How could she ever believe that was true after this?

"Edward," she said again, sounding more awake.

"Yes, I'm here."

"It hurts," she whimpered, her lower lip shook, breaking my heart again as I felt helpless to ease her pain.

"I know, Bella, I know." I turned to Carlisle, the anguish of my face reflected in his eyes. "Can't you do anything?"

"My bag, please… Hold your breath, Alice, it will help."

"Alice?" Bella groaned.

"She's here-she knew where to find you." I had no idea how I could thank Alice for her knowledge-if we'd been two seconds later… I couldn't think of it. She would be okay.

"My hand hurts," her lips shook in a whimper again, and she closed her eyes even tighter.

Carlisle injected her with morphine. The pain will go away in a minute, Edward. She will live.

"I know, Bella. Carlisle will give you something - it will stop."

Suddenly Bella's eyes flew open, terror filling them, and she screamed, "My hand is burning!"

"Bella?" I asked in alarm. What is wrong now? Why isn't the morphine working?

"The fire!" She shrieked, her head whipping from side to side. "Someone stop the fire!"

"Carlisle!" I panicked, looking at her hand as her fingers grasped the air, clawing at nothing. "Her hand!"

Carlisle saw the crescent-shaped bite on her hand and gasped. "He bit her." His calm methodical attitude disappeared as he became appalled at the realization.

Alice envisioned Bella writhing and shrieking in pain for too many days, and then of me infecting Bella even more so that my venom would change her more quickly. I was horrified of either possibility. Poison her more, or let her burn longer. Was that the only choice?

"Edward, you have to do it." Alice brushed the tears that now streamed from Bella's eyes.

"No!" I bellowed. There had to be another choice. I couldn't bear to poison her or the thought of taking her soul away, yet if I didn't I was still responsible. Everything that James did to her was all because of me. My mind was in anguish. I could so easily kill her and finish what he started.

"Alice?" Bella moaned, her voice rough with the burning pain.

"There may be a chance," Carlisle said as he pulled mirror shards from the wound in her scalp.

"What?" I begged, desperate for something, anything that would ease her pain.

"See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean."

I was momentarily frozen- I couldn't do that. I was already worried that if I tasted her blood by infecting her more I'd kill her, but to actually drink some of it…. How could I stop?

"Will that work?" Alice asked, her visions of Bella fluctuating with every possibility of Bella's life, death, change, pain, agony. I couldn't watch the visions anymore.

"I don't know," Carlisle said and then looked at me. "But we have to hurry."

"Carlisle, I…." I choked on the words as I imagined killing her myself. "I don't know if I can do that." It was more agonizing than seeing all that James did to her, leaving her broken, crushed everywhere-it was more painful to realize that I could finish the job that he started.

"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand." He worked quickly on her wounds, getting all the shards away and then holding a compress to the open gashes.

Watching Bella twist and writhe in the agony that only grew worse, I saw her broken leg move unnaturally as she arched her back and screamed, her eyes tightly shut again. I was a monster for not doing anything, but if I tried to drink the poison out and killed her myself, I would prove to be the demon that I'd always known was in me. How could I endure that torture?

Suddenly, she shrieked, "Edward!" her voice tore at the threads of my argument, ripping my indecision in two. I had to decide now, but how could I? Her eyes flew open, and the deep pools of brown, searched for my face. She stared at me, agony burning in the depths of her eyes, and I was looking into her soul. Every guard that she'd held up, hiding her feelings from me were suddenly gone, leaving only herself and the truth of who she was shining from her eyes, boring into my own.

And they were full of torture.

"Alice, get me something to brace her leg!" Carlisle was trying to hold her head still to stop the bleeding, but he didn't want to hurt her further as she involuntarily jerked back and forth. "Edward, you must do it now, or it will be too late."

Even through her screams and twitching, Bella's eyes never left my own, and I knew I couldn't let her change like this; I couldn't let my own weakness rule my life. The depth of her brown eyes would not be lost forever in the unreadable hellish red of our eternal death.

I have to try.

Locking my jaw, I held my breath and swallowed the venom in my mouth till it was perfectly dry. I took her hand firmly in my own and pressed my lips over the wound, keeping my teeth away from her skin, I pulled the warm, tainted blood from her hand.

She writhed and screamed even more as I drank in her blood.

The venom hardly made her blood less than perfect. It was more desirable than I'd imagined, filling every fiber of my being as if the melody in the orchestration of my existence had been missing. Low harmonies, high descants, and the rhythms of the symphony that made me who I was had never before realized that the one thing, the core to my existence, the melody of this orchestral music, had been missing.

Bella's blood, her life force, the essence of her immortal soul filled me. It swirled around my tongue and felt as if it could knit a soul inside my hollow chest.

No other ecstasy could compare with this. No heaven could be as wondrous. I had never experienced anything that made me feel so perfectly complete, so close to the eternal life that was forever barred for me in my eternal damnation.

Eternal life-that's what I was tasting. That's what I was robbing from Bella. My only love held the eternal life that I was experiencing (stealing from her) but I couldn't stop. I could still taste the venom and had to get it all out of her. She began to relax, growing quiet as I drew the poison from her veins.

Then, surprisingly, unbearably sweeter than the already perfect taste of her blood, the venom was completely gone, and for one brief instant, the taste of her perfection reached impossibly above what it had a moment ago. It was, for that moment, experiencing infinity, pure beauty, the essence of light, and all things good rolled into a single drop of her pure blood-

And I pulled back, forcing myself to walk away from heaven and back into the flames of hell, just as I began to taste the morphine in her blood.

She would live; she would stay human.

"Edward," she said more quietly than a whisper.

I couldn't answer her yet, my jaw was clamped shut to keep myself from drinking more, and Alice answered for me. "He's right here, Bella."

"Stay, Edward, stay with me…"

"I will," I forced myself to say through the strain of resisting the frenzy that threatened to break my control and the pure joy that I felt at her words. She wanted me to stay with her, she still was choosing me, even after all she'd been through. The torture from James was all my fault, and even after I almost killed her myself, she still wanted me with her. The purity and perfection of her blood was not a random chance, it was the essence of her unselfish and loving soul. I could never deserve such an angel, yet she wanted me.

Bella sighed and her beautiful brown eyes, peaceful and sleepy now, gently closed. Her face was relaxed as a smile turned the corners of her lips.

"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked.

"Her blood tastes clean," I said quietly, no longer needing to keep my jaw locked. "I can taste the morphine." I still held her hand in my own, unable to let go of her.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked.

Her eyes fluttered. "Mmmmm?"

"Is the fire gone?"

"Yes," she sighed again. "Thank you, Edward."

"I love you," I said, knowing that was the one and only reason I was able to save her.

"I know," she mumbled.

She finally realized how much I loved her-there was too much irony in my life for me to process right now. I chuckled quietly, too relieved for any other reaction.

"Bella?" Carlisle said again.

She frowned adorably. "What?" she asked sleepily.

"Where is your mother?"

"In Florida," she said, "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos." Her anger so often endearing to me, only made me sad, watching her in this pitiful state. "Alice." Her eyes rolled as she fought her heavy lids. "Alice, the video - he knew you, Alice, he knew where you came from."

Alice looked around the room and saw the video camera. As her eyes narrowed, her mind filled with curiosity and wary surprise.

"I smell gasoline." Bella's head lolled to one side as she coughed slightly.

"It's time to move her," Carlisle said. We need to get her to fresh air.

"No, I want to sleep," she complained, the pucker appearing between her closed eyes.

"You can sleep, sweetheart. I'll carry you," I soothed and gently picked her up, cradling her into my chest. I was aware of each broken rib and the bandage Carlisle had wrapped around her head, her splint leg, and held her with the same care that I would use to caress a soap bubble. Each of her wounds tore pieces of my mind apart, but she would be all right. She would heal. The relief that I felt as I thought the words over and over again was indescribable

I leaned down putting my lips close to her ear and whispered, "Sleep now, Bella," and began to sing her lullaby as she relaxed completely into my arms.

Introspections - 24

We only have a few minutes to leave before someone is going to see the smoke and call the fire department. Alice thought and then turned to Jasper, "In one minute, the clouds will be over the sun for almost an hour before coming back out. You and Emmett should get to the airport and fly back as soon as you can get a flight out of here."

Jasper nodded to her as he finished sprinkling the gasoline around the room getting ready to set it on fire.

Alice was cradling the video camera in her arms, wondering when she should watch it and what other things we needed to do to hide or fabricate evidence.

"Not yet, Alice, but soon," I said quietly, carrying Bella outside.

Alice nodded and then followed us outside as she now saw a vision of how I would be watching the recording with her.

Fortunately, there was enough shade from the trees and privacy from the shrubbery to block us from the view of any neighbors.

"Did you have to rip the door off, Edward?" Emmett asked, and chuckled as he put the door back on the car, pinching the metal hinges as best as he could to re-attach it. He easily made it look like whoever drove it just ran into something rather than ripping it off from the inside out.

"Yes," I said looking down at Bella's peaceful sleeping face, "Yes, I did actually."

Jasper had already siphoned all the gas from the stolen car and finished spreading it around the ballet studio. The euphoria and relief that he sensed from all of us along with Emmett's excited satisfaction was a welcome relief for him, and he was enjoying his job now. "I'm going to light the last of it," he said. "You'd better get going before someone calls the cops."

Alice put her fingers to her temples and held still for a moment as she concentrated on the weather and when the fire department would show up. "After we drive away, light the last of it and leave around the back. No one will see you there and you will have exactly…" She paused a moment to

concentrate. "You'll have 48 minutes with the sun behind the clouds to get to the airport." She looked up and smiled easily. "That should be plenty of time."

We all knew that it wouldn't be a good idea for Emmett and Jasper to stay here as well. Three vampires around Bella and coming in and out of a hospital were enough of a problem.

They nodded and waited for us to go to the car.

Jasper bounced Emmett's excitement back at him, and their eyes were gleaming with the thoughts of torching a building. I was too relieved to feel the guilt or annoyance that I should right now. Knowing it would come soon enough, I actually let myself smile along with them.

I listened to the minds nearest us to see if anyone was paying attention. A few older people were watching TV, but other than that, there weren't many people even near us. I was very grateful that it was spring break; most of the nearby population was off enjoying their vacation. Fewer possible witnesses made this much easier.

"No one will see us," I said.

Carlisle got to the Mercedes first, and Alice sat beside him in the front. I held Bella carefully across my lap in the back of the car. No ambulance ride could have been safer or more comfortable for her.

As we drove, Alice and Carlisle discussed what hospital to go to and which had the closest hotel nearby. I barely listened to their plans as I simply stared at Bella's face.

Quietly sleeping, she was finally in my arms again.

So many hours of worry, the torture that I'd felt from the distance, and now I was holding her. I knew I didn't deserve the relief that I felt. I shouldn't feel this good right now, not after all I'd put her through, but I couldn't help it. She was alive, soul intact, and she'd wanted me to stay. Regardless of the future - or perhaps because of how things could change in the future - I let myself simply enjoy this moment. I stared at the curve of her nose, perfect and delicate, the soft skin of her cheeks, too pale at the moment - but still beautiful. I stared at her resting eyelids that I had so often watched as she slept, wondering what she was dreaming or thinking about. I very gently traced her forehead with one fingertip, hardly touching her as I traced down her nose and around her lips.

I had almost lost her… almost lost my reason for existing.

Nothing could be more painful than that, and nothing could match the joy that I felt now that I knew she would live.

Smiling at the relief that this thought brought, I immediately felt guilty for feeling so good. It wasn't right for me to be happy when she was in pain. She shouldn't have been hurt to begin with, and I knew it was all my fault. Just for this one moment, I would let myself rejoice.

When Carlisle and I were at the hospital with Bella, Alice went to the unlucky hotel that they'd chosen as the scene of the accident. It was only a few miles from the hospital, which was a relief for me since I wasn't allowed in the room with Bella as they examined her injuries. I partly kept watch of Bella through the minds of the nurses, but I could also distract myself with Alice's gleeful thoughts.

She had fun throwing herself down the two flights of stairs and out a window to fabricate the evidence for Bella's accident. Alice had even taken a rag that she'd used to mop up the pool of blood on the floor of the ballet studio and rung out the blood onto the broken glass of the window and shards of glass on the ground. I hadn't noticed at the time that she'd mopped up Bella's blood, but Alice would have foreseen the need of it. The evidence that Alice constructed would have fooled any detective, lawyer, jury, and judge. I felt a little sorry for the manager of the hotel who was about to experience a rise in blood pressure when he considers the possibility of a lawsuit on his hands.

After Alice was done creating the evidence, she went to change her torn clothing, and I stopped watching through her mind. Now there was nothing to distract me from the guilt that I felt as I saw Bella's injuries through the minds of the nurses.

Poor thing…

… can't imagine how anyone could be that clumsy…

These will leave a few good scars…

Carlisle had already explained to them how she had been hurt. Well, the cover story of how she was injured that is. Letting go of her so that they could take her away had been too painful for me. I couldn't have modulated my voice to relay the story to them even if I'd wanted to. Carlisle had seen my expression and quickly took charge.

They welcomed his help and had easily brushed me aside.

Bella was on a stretcher waiting to be X-rayed now. I was grateful that they allowed Carlisle to stay with her since I wouldn't be allowed near her until she was X-rayed, plastered, and they were done with the blood transfusion. The joy that I'd allowed myself to feel at her being alive was quickly turning into guilt and torture over all the injuries and months of recovery that she would have to endure because of me.

I had worried about the bite mark that James left, but no one saw it for what it was, and it too was simply cleaned and wrapped in gauze like all her other wounds.

Alice was just parking the car in the hospital's parking garage when she called Renee and Charlie. Renee would be on the next flight here. It took Alice a while to calm her down enough to ease the panic in her voice, and Charlie would probably never forgive me for being the cause of Bella leaving him. The reason for her leaving Forks was different from what Charlie believed of course, but his assessment of who to blame was quite accurate. I was oddly grateful that someone was angry at me beside myself. My family loved me too much to put the blame where it belonged. Anything that Charlie says to me, when we get back, will be a well deserved penance.

By the time Alice was sitting next to me in the hospital waiting room, I was beyond impatient. "It's a good thing she's asleep because they sure aren't being very careful," I whispered, still annoyed from when I had noticed some of the nurses being much more rough with her than I thought necessary.

They're probably just trying to hurry. They need to hurry anyway so that she can begin healing, right? "You'll get to be with Bella soon," Alice said and showed me the vision of when I'd be near Bella again, concentrating on the clock so I would know how much time I had to wait. It was still far too long, but I would be patient.

Anyway, Alice thought, watching me carefully, I haven't watched the video yet. She was suddenly very concerned. You don't have to see it if you don't want to you know.

"No, I need to watch it, Alice." I shook my head, trying to smooth the anxiety and anger I felt twisting my every expression.

Perhaps this wouldn't be the best place to watch it?

I nodded and followed her down the elevators and out to where she'd parked the car.

We sat in the back seat as Alice held the camera.

When she turned it on, the empty ballet studio was visible for a second on the tiny screen before Bella ran into the room. She looked around with panic and fear in her eyes as she listened to the hysterical voice of her mother calling her name from the corner of the room. Bella whirled around and saw the TV. Her mother was tousling the hair of a younger Bella on the screen. "Bella, you scared me! Don't you ever do that to me again!" And then the screen went blue.

A moment later, James crossed in front of the video camera's view holding a remote and placed it next to the VCR. Bella was watching him cautiously, but the panic and fear were gone from her eyes.

"Sorry about that, Bella, but isn't it better that your mother didn't really have to be involved in all this?" His back was toward the camera now.

"Yes," she said, relief flooding her features, and I suddenly knew why she'd done it. I already knew how she thought of her mom, so protectively and almost more of the parent than the daughter. It made sense that she would run to save her mother when I tried to see everything from her point of view. I couldn't blame her for that no matter how absurd it was.

"You don't sound angry that I tricked you."

"I'm not." The bravery that I could hear in Bella's voice didn't make sense to me. Didn't she care how I would feel if she died?

"How odd. You really mean it. I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It's amazing - some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all."

"He's right about that at least," Alice said, annoyance filling her mind.

James crossed his arms casually, still with his back to the camera. "I suppose you're going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?" The hopeful tone in his voice was so obvious that it wasn't an issue that I couldn't see his face or read his mind.

"No, I don't think so. At least, I asked him not to."

"And what was his reply to that?""I don't know. I left him a letter."

"How romantic… a last letter," he said, sarcasm coloring the tone of his calm voice. "And do you think he will honor it?"

"I hope so." Bella had no idea how futile that hope would have been if I hadn't gotten to her in time.

"Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then. You see, this was all just a little too easy, too quick. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed. I expected a much greater challenge. And, after all, I only needed a little luck."

Bella waited quietly as he continued with his monologue. Her expression didn't change, and I couldn't read what she might be thinking as he explained his strategy, how he'd fooled all of us. I remembered how he'd followed us to Canada and the few things that I'd been able to catch in his mind. We had all thought that it wouldn't be a problem to fool him, to lead him away from Bella, and now all of those plans seemed incredibly feeble and ludicrous.

Listening to him explain his logic and how he'd gone to her house and watched all her home movies, of how he only needed that little bit of luck - Bella being close by - and how Victoria had monitored us as we got on the plane to Phoenix, all of it humbled me.

It was painful in a way to be brought so low, yet it was still less pain than I deserved. I was so used to being confident, to being sure of what was right or wrong and of the motives and plans of mankind, and even though I'd been able to read his mind, I had made so many mistakes.

Ever since I first met Bella, nothing had made sense in my life. It was as if all those years of my existence, growing wiser and acquiring knowledge, meant nothing- as if I were really just seventeen years old. I realized all the mistakes that I'd made, not just in the last few days, but the entire time that I had known her.

As James spoke of his plans, the thoughts of what we should have done and the things we could have done differentlyrang through my mind. If I'd paid more attention at the airport in Seattle… if I'd known that Victoria was there, and we'd thrown her off our trail. If we tried to take him out right away instead of driving up to Canada… If I'd never let Bella out of my sight… but, it did no good to think of what could have been.

"…Very easy, you know, not really up to my standards…" James said, ending the explanation of his strategy and leaving me with a new sense of humility and revulsion for myself.

"Would you mind very much if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?" The tracker stepped back, and Alice and I saw his hand move close to the camera as he widened the angle.

Bella's blank expression turned horrified as she watched him adjust the camera. She looked at it for the first time.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't think he'll be able to resist hunting me after he watches this. And I wouldn't want him to miss anything. It was all for him, of course. You're simply a human…"

I growled involuntarily at his words coming from the harmless camera.

"…Who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add."

My mind had been so filled with my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed what Alice was thinking until now. "It wasn't your fault, Alice," I said quietly, and she nodded, saying nothing.

"Before we begin…" James said, stepping toward Bella. "I would just like to rub it in, just a little bit. The answer was there all along, and I was so afraid Edward would see that and ruin my fun."

Ah, another mistake that I had made and didn't even know about.

"It happened once, oh, ages ago. The one and only time my prey escaped me. You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked…"

Alice gasped.

"…and as soon as he freed her, he made her safe. She didn't even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She'd been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier, and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. In the nineteen-twenties, it was the asylum and the shock treatments."

Alice was too surprised at his words to have many coherent thoughts.

"When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she'd never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then." James sighed, sounding regretful. "I destroyed the old one in vengeance."

"Careful, Alice," I said watching her hand squeeze the camera harder and leaving a small dent on its side.

"I'm glad James is dead," she said, angry thoughts rolling around in her mind. "If he wasn't, I'd have to go after him myself."

"…So I guess her coven ought to be able to derive some comfort from this experience. I get you, but they get her. The one victim who escaped me, quite an honor, actually. And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste… she smelled even better than you do."

Alice growled along with me this time.

"Sorry - I don't mean to be offensive. You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…" He stepped to Bella and lifted a strand of her hair, sniffing it, then patting it back in place, and stroking her neck. He traced her face with his thumb, and Bella didn't flinch or move at all.

Now I wanted to crush the video camera as I watched him touch her. I wanted to crush him, and suddenly, I regretted that he wasn't alive any longer because I wanted to kill him with my own hands.

"No," he said and dropped his hand. "I don't understand. Well, I suppose we should get on with it. And then I can call your friends and tell them where to find you, and my little message."

Alice turned the camera off. "Allow me," I said taking the camera from her. I flattened it quickly and then ground the metal between my hands before tossing the particles out of the car.

We sat quietly for a time. Alice wondered about her parents and the old vampire. Hurt and confused at what she'd heard, and angry at James for killing the only person who'd cared about her when she was human. It was hard for Alice to think of the past. Her mind was always so taken up with the future that it was more painful in a way for her to learn about this.

I was angry too. Angry for what happened to Alice, of course, but I was mainly thinking of this whole situation.

Suddenly, I was angry with everyone.

I was angry at James especially for wanting to hurt her in the beginning, at Alice and Jasper for letting her out of their sight, even with Carlisle for keeping me from going to her as soon as I'd wanted to, and Bella for running toward the danger.

Yet each person, whether I agreed with their choices or not, was only living out their own story. I couldn't stay mad at Alice and Jasper. Without Alice, we wouldn't have known where to find her, and how could I stay mad at Jasper when I'd felt for myself how highly he regarded her?

Could I continue to be mad at Bella? As crazy as she was, never having any regard for self-preservation, ridiculously brave when she was so breakable, that reckless quality that she possessed had brought her to the point where she could love me, care for me in spite of who I am.

What of James? Yes, I was angry with James and would always regret missing the chance to kill him myself, but he was simply being who he was. The vampire instincts that all my family try so hard to get away from was what was odd - not him. He was living the life that I fought so hard to deny in myself, yet was I any better than him?

How could I stay mad at Carlisle? The man who's vision brought us all to the concept of regarding human life as more precious than our own desires. If it wasn't for Carlisle, Bella would have been dead long ago.

I started to remember what would have come next on the recording. I didn't need to see it since I'd experienced it in his mind, and I couldn't help thinking about it now.

The thing that kept ringing in my head was what Bella had yelled to him as he hurt her, right after he broke her leg. "No! No, Edward, don't…" He'd hit her again before she could finish speaking, but her words rang again and again in my mind.

It had been all my fault.

She could have been shouting that to me, so that I wouldn't hurt her anymore. It would have been just as true because I'd done it all.

My angerturned to self-revulsion. I could never get away from this. I couldn't truly turn my anger outward or hold anyone else responsible for what I'd done to her. I would never be able to get away from the realization that anything that hurt her was all because of me.

"We should start heading back," Alice said bleakly. "You will get to see Bella soon." Maybe I'll do some shopping…

Alice was searching for something to make herself feel better, and I wanted to help. "You know, Carlisle and I left too quickly to pack any suitable clothing. Would you mind getting us some things?" Shopping was Alice's favorite hobby because it was really the only thing that she could do that was a surprise. The search was like a game to her, and finding that perfect item couldn't be foreseen.

"That's a good idea." She smiled, still sad, but grateful for my understanding. "I'll get some flowers or something for Bella's room, too."

We both got out of the backseat, and she got into the driver's seat as I walked back to the elevators. I didn't concentrate on the many thoughts around me as I walked through the hallways to where I knew Carlisle would be.

He had to show me to Bella's room because I couldn't recognize her scent.

The transfusion fouling her heavenly aroma might have been one of the hardest things to handle when I finally saw her. I'd grown so accustomed to her scent that, in a way, it felt as if she didn't exist without it. I couldn't look away from her. Without being able to recognize her in that way, I felt like she would disappear if I wasn't watching her.

The heart monitor quietly and evenly beeped as I took in all the bruises that were beginning to form under her skin. The bruises on her beautiful face, around her lips and the soft skin of her cheeks. I realized that the bruises on her face must have happened when he'd hit her mouth as she yelled "No, Edward, don't…" Her voice tore through my mind again as I looked at the bruises around her mouth. I was almost able to see the print from the back of his hand.

I did that to her.

I counted all the bruises that I could see.

When I got up to fifty-six, the small bruises that were just starting to color, began to spread, blending together as they darkened. Each one, every part of her that was hurt, was because of me.

Fifty-six small bruises were visible on her exposed skin, yet I knew she must have many more under the thin gown. I'd heard in Carlisle's mind that she had four broken ribs and a spiral break in her fibula. The break had been clean, leaving no bone fragments, but I knew that a spiral break meant that more force than usual had created it. How many more bruises were under the plaster on her leg?

That was all because of me.

The tubes all around her hands and arms, the oxygen under her nose, the plaster up her broken leg - it was all because of me. I sat down in a chair next to her bed and dropped my face into my hands.

No, coward, I told myself, don't look away from her. I lifted my head and forced myself to look at Bella again.

She was beautiful.

Even barely alive and covered in injuries, she was like an angel to me. I almost believed I could see her face glowing. I didn't deserve to look at her beauty, yet I shouldn't look away either because I knew that I deserved to see what I'd done to her.

I wished that I could feel every hurt that she'd had to go through and would go through when she awoke. I wished I could be where she was so that she wouldn't hurt at all. I wished that there was someone else who I could blame this on - because the anger and pain that I felt in myself was nearly unbearable.

Yet I deserve to feel it.

There was really no one to be angry with but myself. What I'd caused in her life by coveting her love and stealing her away from humanity into the supernatural. It had all been my fault. No one had as many near-death experiences as she had, and I'd only known her for a few months.

It was madness to continue like this. To continue to be in her life when every part of my world was such a danger to her - myself the most dangerous of all. The fact that I didn't kill her could never negate the very real possibility that I could.

Every fear that I'd had, of seeing her hurt, broken….dying, were nothing compared to seeing it come true.

To hear her scream, "No Edward, don't!" as I couldn't help but remember over and over again in my infallible memory, was excruciating. Yet, all of that, seeing it happen and her screaming and then after I pulled James off of her, to see her laying broken and bleeding on the floor, not even able to cry out in pain - all of that was nothing, nothing to the fact that when I was drinking her blood, pulling the venom from her system, I could have killed her right then.

I almost didn't stop. What if I hadn't? What if something like this happened again, and I wouldn't be able to stop next time?

I groaned.

There never would be a next time.

I couldn't let anything or anyone come close to hurting her ever again. Not even myself.

Unconscious of the time elapsing, I just sat and watched her, wishing that I could torture myself instead of seeing her lying broken before me in this little room.

It must have been much later that night, possibly after dark when Carlisle came into the room. I'd heard him now and again as he helped around the hospital. They were short one doctor, and even if they hadn't been, they would have welcomed any help Carlisle could give.

Seeing myself through his eyes, I knew I would need to clean up before Bella's mother came. The agony on my face and blood on my clothes would surely frighten her.

"Alice wanted me to give you these," he said and handed me the new clothes that Alice got on her shopping trip. I took them quietly and went into the little bathroom off of Bella's room to change.

Alice is talking to Renee right now, and they will be here soon. His mind was filled with concern as he remembered the expression on my face when he first came into the room.

I changed quickly and came back out, throwing my old clothes in the trash. "I'm all right," I said, trying to make my voice believable.

"This wasn't your fault, Edward."

"Wasn't it?"

"Sometimes these things happen." I raised my eyebrows at his words, but he continued. "You don't know what good can come from this, from your love for Bella." He put a hand on my shoulder and reminded me as he always did, "Have faith, son."

I nodded even through my doubts. I could never doubt that Carlisle was sure of what he believed and sincere in his advice to me, but I doubted that I would ever fully understand or agree with him. What good could come out of this?

Just then, I heard Alice's mind as she came closer and opened the door.

Renee was with her, and at first, she only saw Bella. Running to the side of the bed, her hands fluttered over Bella's body, a strong desire in her mind to comfort her, but she didn't know what to do. Images of when Bella was a baby and bruising her knees came into her mind - and thoughts of when she would hold her and bandage her sores. All those motherly concerns flooded her mind, and she turned to Carlisle who she'd already met.

"She will be all right?" she asked, a pucker appearing between her eyebrows, the same expression that Bella always had when she was concerned. "She's not in a coma or anything?" Her voice suddenly turned to the same panic that we'd heard on the video.

"No, they just have her heavily sedated so she can heal, and yes, of course she will be all right," Carlisle reassured her and smiled. "It could have happened to anyone."

"Well, I don't know about that." Renee laughed halfheartedly as scenes flickered through her mind of all the clumsy moments Bella had growing up and all the times when she'd taken her to the emergency room for some injury.

As I watched Renee from across the room and listened to her mind, I wasn't surprised to find that I couldn't quite hear all the words in her thoughts. Just like Charlie, there was something unique about her brain that had made Bella who she was, so silent to me, yet there was something more that I noticed. Renee's thoughts were so open, clear in an almost child-like way. Most people saw the world around them as if they were in a fog. They would see detail but not take it in. Not being able to distinguish between one person with dark hair from another person with dark hair, for instance, because they wouldn't look closely at all the other features and differences. Usually, most people were too caught up in what they would say next to notice what was being said around them. Renee seemed to see everything. Charlie's mind was like a great swell of strong emotions-his view of the world was foggy and rolled with his own perceptions and beliefs that colored everything.

Renee's emotions were strong but very different than Charlie. She didn't hold onto anything like he did. The emotions and thoughts that she had were so fleeting that I wondered how she could make a decision on anything. Very much like a child who changes their mind at every moment and who would get hurt at the slightest offense.

"Thank you so much for taking care of her." She smiled at Carlisle and turned to Alice. "And for calling me, I don't know what we would have done without your help."

When she turned to me, she looked slightly wary. "And this must be your… son?" She looked closely at me, much the same way that Bella did, as if she saw too much. "Charlie told me that you were the reason Bella left Forks."

"Yes, in a manner of speaking," I said, hanging my head. "I felt terrible that she left like that, and I came here to convince Bella to come back." I looked into Renee's eyes. "I'm very sorry that she was hurt," I said sincerely.

He loves her. Renee's thoughts surprised me. She was so sure. Everything was simplified in her mind when it came to other people, yet she quickly thought of Bella and how young she was. Her mind slipped back into the wordless pictures after that one clear thought.

While Renee talked to Carlisle again about how Bella was hurt, seeming to need to hear the story all over in more detail so she fully understood, she was very conscious of how young Carlisle looked. It was quite normal for his looks to elicit a romantic interest from women, but Renee seemed different. She simply noticed the fact. She saw that he was young but accepted that he was knowledgeable and was grateful for his help. It was very interesting to be near Bella's mother, seeing how Renee's mind and Charlie's could create her, but I still didn't understand why Bella's mind was completely silent to me.

"We should probably be saying goodnight," Carlisle said. "It was nice to meet you, Renee. I'm sure you want to be alone with Bella for a while." He smiled at her.

"Oh, yes… I do. Actually, I'm a little afraid to go home. I just saw the news in the waiting room as we were coming through and heard that there was some vandalism in the neighborhood where my

house is." She shook her head and bit her bottom lip. "I'm glad that Bella wasn't near there when it happened. Though, she probably couldn't have been more hurt than she was falling down those stairs." Renee laughed weakly.

The three of us didn't have anything to say to Renee's insight, and I quickly changed the subject. "Carlisle, do you mind if I stay here? -if that's all right with you…?" I said, turning to Renee and smiling. Hoping that I was still able to dazzle people into getting my way, I didn't know what I'd do if she said I couldn't stay.

"No, of course… I don't mind." Renee hesitated, slightly confused. "If that's what you want."

"Yes," I said firmly.

She smiled back at me, that clarity of thought turning to a frantic curiosity as she wondered if Bella was in love with me too.

"That's fine, Edward. We'll see you in the morning." Carlisle said, nodding to Renee as he and Alice left the room.

"It was nice meeting you," Alice smiled and waved at Renee before closing the door. Edward, Alice thought as she walked away. I saw that you might need something to occupy your hands while you were here so I bought a book for you. It's on the window sill. See you tomorrow.

I walked to the window sill where she had placed it, picked up the book, and sat down in the chair farther from Bella so that Renee could be nearer to her. The book was Sofies verden by Jostein Gaarder in the original Norwegian. Sophie's World the only book, that I knew of, that Bella owned and I had never read. I'd considered buying a copy of my own, realizing that was probably why Alice knew to get it for me.

A novel about the history of philosophy, I remembered and wondered if I really needed a book that encouraged more thoughts when I already had so many. It was nice to look like I was doing something though, easier to appear human, and I could watch Bella through Renee's mind in between my own thoughts and what I read.

After Renee ate a power bar that she pulled from her purse, it didn't take long for her to find the turquoise recliner in the corner of the room and scoot it to the end of Bella's bed before falling asleep.

I was amused to discover that Renee talked in her sleep almost as much as Bella did. Though it was much easier to discover what Renee was dreaming about. She mumbled a few things about Jacksonville and breathing water - and dreamed happily of a yellow house with white trim. Bella sat beside her on the porch of the house in her mind, and they laughed and talked together. Though I couldn't make out all the words in her mind I knew that she wanted Bella to move back in with her, and I knew that it would be the best thing for Bella to do.

As much as I hated the thought of the first option of the four possibilities, I knew it would be best for her if she changed her mind about me-if she moved on and found someone else. She could find someone so much more worthy of her than me. Someone who didn't bring all this pain into her life.

The easiest possibility for me to consider was just to continue to love Bella while she remained human. I would enjoy every moment I had with her while I could. Before she grew too old to care about me, or my world became too much of a danger to overcome. What would I have? Sixty or seventy more years with her before she would die, and I would have to find some way to follow her. It was the easiest option for me to consider because it was the best thing for Bella, next to forgetting me all together. The time would seem like nothing to me, but any time she gave me was an undeserved gift.

Watching Bella sleep, pitifully bandaged with the monitor beeping evenly the smell of the mixed bouquet that wasn't her blood lingering in the air around her, I knew that it was wrong for her to keep choosing me. I wanted her to live with her mother, enjoy the sunshine, and forget about me.

As much as it hurt, I knew it would be the best for her.

But if she continued to choose me, what could I do? I knew I was too selfish, too needy, to do the right thing - even now. Even after all that she'd been through, I couldn't leave her like I knew I should, but I couldn't make her one of us either. She couldn't understand what she would be giving up, even if she wanted that. She was so young, so innocent to the demons haunting our wills and giving us this repulsive desire to suck the life and souls from humanity.

I couldn't do that to her. The thought was beyond excruciating.

To be that selfish would be unendurable, but more even than that, to have her regret being turned. To wish to be human again as all of my family has wished to be, to escape the hellish desires that grip us all. How could I live through all eternity with her regretting she ever said she loved me?

I couldn't bear it, but I also couldn't bear the thought of anything hurting her again, and I could hurt her.

Hearing a nurse's thoughts outside of the door, I closed my eyes quickly and leaned my head back. Why do I have nightshifts? She said I could have a different schedule and then here I am again… no one listens at all…. The nurse's complaining thoughts distracted me from my own for a moment as I watched Bella through her eyes. New IV bag - check… everything looks good, poor thing… I wonder what she looked like before all the bruises and swelling? How can anyone be that clumsy? The nurse shook her head and slipped back out as she remembered the story of how Bella was hurt. She marveled at how much blood Bella had lost before she had the transfusion.

That too was most definitely my fault. I didn't really want to think about how much of her blood I drank, yet I knew I needed to. I needed to understand how I was able to stop.

I hadn't realized my life was empty until I met and loved Bella, and again I hadn't realized how completely void my body was until Bella's blood filled that emptiness in myself. It was as if her soul was filling me and creating a home inside my empty chest.

I knew this wasn't possible, but that's how it had felt. It was beyond description. Every normal vampire would give anything to experience such a thing, so how did I stop?

Stopping the frenzy had felt like I was setting that imagined new soul on fire. Every ounce of my being rebelled against me when I pulled my lips away from her skin. I'd metaphorically killed myself and let go of that immortal wholeness that I felt.

How could I have done that in my own strength? I wasn't strong enough in myself to do any of this. As much as Carlisle and Esme believed in me, I knew the truth, but if I wasn't enough, than what happened? How did I stop?

I remembered the image that I'd pictured once of the twisted fate. A cruel-looking harpy that laughed at my struggles. And then I remembered the carefree angel that I'd pictured next, the one that simply tossed Bella toward me, carelessly trusting my own morality to keep her safe. But what if there was something more?

I had always believed in the existence of God - some sort of creator of the world made the most sense to me - but I'd always thought of that God as just starting the world and letting it go. Almost like the carefree angel that I'd pictured, yet I've seen through the minds of some humans of how they rely on a God that helps them through each small thing in their lives. It had always seemed so silly, so childish to believe that the God that created the universe would be interested in the tiny problems of each human. Maybe that was true, and maybe it wasn't, but something gave me that strength that I didn't have. It could have been a deity, a guardian angle perhaps, or possibly Bella herself.

The fact that I didn't understand this great mystery terrified me. If I didn't understand, then how could I be sure that I would always be safe for her? If everything happened again, I have no idea if I could do the same thing. Could I always keep myself from killing her?

As humbled as I'd been recently, I felt myself brought even lower when I realized how much I didn't understand.

I didn't know how I was able to stop, but I did know that I'd forcefully been taking the heaven from her that could never be mine. If some supernatural force did give me the strength that I needed right at that moment, I knew that it wasn't for my benefit. It had all been - and would only ever be - for Bella. She was too important, too special, to lose.

I loved her too much to do anything less than die to every desire that I had.

I spent the night pondering my own philosophical questions while I read and realized that the book ended in a similar place that I had come to. I knew how possible it was for a previous thinker to come up with a solution to something that is important to humanity, and even though I wondered how that would translate to someone who is not human, I could see how other ideas would stimulate new ones. Yet the ending of the book was unsatisfying to me.

At the end of the book, they discussed the universe and described the Big Bang theory. Then pointing out how we are united in a spectacular way, each coming from that first point that formed the universe, and that the contents of the universe itself are relatively unimportant.

Translated, the ending would read, "It is enough just to hold a stone in your hand. The universe would have been equally incomprehensible if it had only consisted of that one stone the size of an orange. The question would be just as impenetrable: where did this stone come from?"

It left the reader with the same questions that the book began with of "who are you?" and "where does the world come from?" and I realized that no matter how often I looked at my love for Bella and what I should do, I kept coming back to the same unanswered questions.

But I wasn't convinced that there couldn't be an answer for us. Do I have to continue questioning myself and still come up with no solution for our love?

Again, I went over the options and what is best for Bella, and as I pondered, I remembered with perfect clarity a section from the middle of the book.

"According to Berkeley, my own soul can be the cause of my own ideas - just as when I dream-"

How could that relate to a soulless being who doesn't dream? What would it mean to have a soul while you are alive, not just a soul that goes to heaven or hell when you die? I couldn't help but wonder what it would mean for Bella to live with a soul, not just die with one. If something stopped me from killing her while I drank her blood, it seemed likely that it was intertwined with the preservation of her soul. What else could it be?

In one sense, I had saved Bella, but in a far greater way, she had sacrificed herself for me. She hadn't been afraid of the realities of my world, and even after being tortured by James, she wanted me to stay with her. "It doesn't matter what you are," she had said so long ago.

To look at it another way, somehow, my love for Bella had saved me from myself. In that instant, the monster turned into the human prince, but this wasn't a fairy tale and I was not under a spell. I would always have to deal with the monster inside of me, no matter how much I wished to forever be that prince for her.

Even if somehow I could remain as that human prince, how could I allow her to lose everything, to continue to risk her soul at every moment, just to save me?

I knew when I drank her blood, even though I couldn't put the thought perfectly into words till this moment, that I loved her too much to do anything but die for her. Experiencing the immortal heaven that I had felt when her blood entered me - in that moment, it was as if I was alive again, yet my love for her was too strong to do anything but sacrifice that new life.

Loving her so deeply meant that I would always be dying for her life and her soul. The burning hell that I stood in, outside of the heaven that I'd metaphorically experienced, was the price that I would pay for her.

I could not do less.

I would never turn into the human prince as he overcomes a spell. Bella would never truly be my princess in one way, but she had saved me in that moment. I could never escape this soulless hell, but because of the love I had for her, the monster within myself was overcome. However that had happened and at least in that instant in time - he had been defeated. This realization gave me a margin of hope that there could be an answer out there, and I just didn't see it.

But the monster is still here. He is still me and part of the existence that I will always endure and struggle with, but the glimmer of humanity that Bella had grown inside this empty shell had beaten him. I could never guarantee the man would win over the monster at every moment, yet it did give me hope. I had never known this kind of hope or even dreamed it could be possible before Bella came into my life.

Watching her sleep, broken as she was yet so absurdly brave, she was worthy of every sacrifice I could endure. Any selfishness, any wish that I had that wasn't in her best interest would never come to pass. I vowed right then, as I stared at her beautiful bruised face, that I would do nothing to hurt her ever again.

True love is dying to yourself, dying so your love can live.

Every moment of my existence would revolve around that one thought. I would love her more than she ever would realize, always hoping that she would choose to leave me and finally be truly safe. She deserved so much more than I could give her. It hurt to even consider it, but I didn't need to think of it now. I would simply be here for her as long as she would allow it, and it was safe enough for me to be close to her. I would make sure that she didn't miss any human experience because of me. She had so much life to live, and she would heal.

Amazing and impossible as our love story was, perhaps there would be a way for us in the end.

Carlisle had said to have faith, but faith in what? His faith always seemed to be rooted in the impossible, yet hadn't I been doing the same when I refused to believe the visions that Alice had? Even changing them and seeing the impossible happen right before my eyes.

I didn't know what good could come of this, but I had to believe that something better was possible in all of this improbability.

An Impasse - 25

I didn't leave Bella's room the entire time she was unconscious. Periodically, Alice would bring me a tray of food so that when Renee woke, or came back from doing something, she would assume that I was eating.

The nurses mainly ignored me. Acting like I was just a nuisance that they put up with, and Renee didn't often talk to me as I usually was able to feign sleep or reading to avoid conversation.

It wasn't that I didn't want to speak to her specifically; I didn't want to talk to anyone. To act like I was all right when I was in agony was almost impossible.

Carlisle continued to help around the hospital as much as he could, unable to be idle when so many people needed his help. He occasionally looked in on me. Always reassuring me that Bella would be fine and was recovering well. The fact that she shouldn't be here in the first place, and her injuries were entirely my fault, were lost on him. He continued to offer praise that I didn't deserve, but I couldn't say anything to him. I didn't understand what had happened well enough to explain to him why he shouldn't praise me. I wasn't strong enough for what I had been able to stand, but I couldn't explain these mysteries to anyone because I didn't understand them well enough myself.

Gradually, the transfusion that Bella had incorporated into her system, and eventually she began to smell as sweet as she always had. This reassured me more than anything even Carlisle told me. But it also reminded me, again, why I was so potentially dangerous to her.

The minutes, hours, and days, passed in very much the same way. Alice would bring another arrangement of pink roses into Bella's room and offer me some wrappers or a lunch tray, half-eaten for effect, and assure me again that I had nothing to worry about. Then she would leave to do some shopping or occupy herself in the hotel room with drawing new designs for clothing that had come to her.

I smiled when I looked at all the pink roses on the table near the head of the hospital bed. Depending on the century and decade, different flowers had been given their own meanings. The meanings had changed slightly from one decade to the next, but at least in one time period, pink roses had symbolized friendship. As much as I hadn't wanted Alice and Bella to be best friends, I was more than glad of that relationship now. I had been angry that Alice wanted Bella to know how to be one of us, and though I still felt the same way, I couldn't be upset with her motives. She truly did love Bella like her best friend and favorite sister that she had always longed for.

Alice was planning on researching asylums to learn more about her human family and past, and whenever I thought of how her family had treated her by locking her away, I grew almost too angry to speak evenly. Alice didn't show many signs of anger yet as she was still processing the new information and what to do with it.

In the late morning on Friday, Alice came into Bella's room carrying a little potted miniature rose plant. The roses were pink, of course, and she placed them on the table at the head of Bella's bed with the other arrangements.

I was pretending to watch the TV high up on the wall but not really seeing any of it. Unfortunately, I'd already read the book twice and didn't have another one to help me look occupied.

Renee looked away from the mundane talk show and saw the newest addition to the flower table as Alice moved the vases and pots to make room for it. "More flowers?" she said in surprise.

"Yes, Bella has a lot of friends in Forks, you know, and one of our friends called me to ask if I could get flowers for her room." Alice was beaming as she stared at the flowers. Only I could see the side of her face and raised my eyebrows at her silently. I caught her wink. Esme called again, actually, but it was my idea to get more flowers.

I just smiled and turned my head back to the TV and continued to not watch it as I counted Bella's breaths and attuned myself to any fluctuation of her temperature. The gradual lightening of the visible bruises were becoming more apparent on her face and arms, her scent continually grew more potent as the blood in her system moved through her veins, and I waited for any change, wondering when she would be conscious again.

Bella is going to wake up soon, Edward.

I almost got up when I heard the words in her mind, but managed to stay still. Waiting for any other information that she'd seen. "Umm.. Alice? Do you have the time?" I asked her, a nonchalant question that would seem perfectly normal to anyone else, but Alice knew what I wanted.

She stared at her wristwatch for a moment and I saw the vision of Bella waking, run through her mind with her watch helping to gauge how soon this would be. Twenty-two minutes. "It's 11:40," she said aloud. "Renee, would you like to join me for lunch?"

"Yes. Actually, I was getting kind of hungry." Renee smiled at Alice and stood up to join her.

They walked out the door together while Alice's mental words reminded me. You know you owe me big for all the little things I do for you.

I smiled. She was right of course, and I was glad that I would get to be alone with Bella when she first awoke. Not just because I needed to tell her the cover story before she said anything that

would confuse her mother, but because I needed to see her open her eyes and talk to her without having to play a part in our continual charade.

It felt amazing to know someone, to love someone, that I could be myself with.

At least for now, I reminded myself sadly.

I pulled the chair next to her bed even closer to her and rested my chin on her pillow. The minutes ticked by slowly as I waited for her eyes to open.

I watched the curve of her lips as her breathing changed slightly. Suddenly, her eyes fluttered once and then opened. The relief that I felt when I saw her warm brown eyes opening was amazing as if I could fully inhale again without the tightening I'd been feeling in my lungs during the long hours I'd waited for her to awake again.

Her eyes didn't seem to focus as they swept the room, the walls, the bed rail, the ceiling and squinting into the light. She suddenly lifted her hand and was about to rip the oxygen tube out from under her nose.

"No, you don't," I said and caught her hand in my own.

"Edward?" Her voice sounded rough and still groggy as she said my name. Turning her head slightly, her eyes met mine and a spark of awareness flashed in their brown depths. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!"

"Shhh…. Everything's all right now," I said, placing her hand back down at her side but not able to let go yet.

"What happened?"

"I was almost too late. I could have been too late." I whispered the words, unable to keep a fraction of the torture I'd been feeling leak into the words.

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."

"He tricked us all," I said, merely admitting the truth.

"I need to call Charlie and my mom." Her eyes unfocused for a moment and she blinked again.

"Alice called them. Renee is here - well, here in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now."

"She's here?" Bella gasped and tried to sit up. Her eyes were shifting from the dizziness that was inevitable from the quick movement, and I gently pushed her back down onto her pillow.

"She'll be back soon," I said, hoping that my words would sooth her. She must be so confused right now. I wondered how much pain she was in. "And you need to stay still."

"But what did you tell her?" Her eyes widened in panic. "Why did you tell her I'm here?"

"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window," I said automatically and then paused, wondering if the cover story would offend her. "You have to admit, it could happen."

She sighed, accepting the truth of my words, and then looked down at the bed sheet, staring at the lump that was her plaster encased broken leg. "How bad am I?" She asked quietly.

"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you've lost a lot of blood. They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it - it made you smell all wrong for a while." I wrinkled my nose at the memory. If her scent was like the

bouquet of a fine wine, the transfusion was like pouring every different type of cheap wine into one bowl.

"That must have been a nice change for you."

"No, I like how you smell."

"How did you do it?" Her eyes were wide with curiosity, and I knew exactly what she was referring to.

"I'm not sure," I admitted and then looked away from her eyes. Carefully lifting up her gauze-wrapped hand that would now always carry a scar, I thought again about what had happened, wondering how to explain it to her. "It was impossible…to stop." I whispered the words, tortured again at how easily I could have killed her. "Impossible. But I did." I looked up at her then and smiled slightly, offering the only explanation that I was sure of. "I must love you." My smile widened at the gross understatement.

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" A teasing glint shown in her eyes as she smiled back at me.

"Even better - better than I'd imagined."

"I'm sorry," she said, always able to surprise me.

My eyes turned up to the ceiling as I shook my head at her words. "Of all the things to apologize for."

"What shouldI apologize for?" Her voice sounded confused, begging for some relief from the guilt I could see in her eyes.

"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever," I said quietly, my lungs tightened at the thought again of how close it had been.

"I'm sorry." Her long eyelashes brushed her cheeks as she looked down, frowning slightly.

"I know why you did it," I said gently, seeing that she was truly sorry. "It was still irrational, of course. You should have waited for me- you should have told me."

"You wouldn't have let me go."

"No," I said firmly, "I wouldn't."

Bella blinked quickly again, her eyes unfocused as they swept the room and then she shuddered and winced.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I asked anxiously, wondering if all of the pain medication had worn off already.

"What happened to James?"

Ah, she must be remembering more. How I wished I could take the horrible memories away from her as well as the pain. "After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him," I said, wishing again that I could have killed him myself.

"I didn't see Emmett and Jasper there." Her wide eyes looked confused and her eyebrows came together.

"They had to leave the room… there was a lot of blood."

"But you stayed."

"Yes, I stayed," I said, and as much as I wished that I could have killed James myself, I didn't regret for one moment that I'd chosen to stay with her.

"And Alice, and Carlisle…," her eyes widened in wonder.

"They love you, too, you know."

The pucker appeared between her eyes as she thought of something, and I smiled as I watched her face. I had missed seeing her expressions.

"Did Alice see the tape?" she asked, suddenly sounding anxious again.

"Yes." The hatred that I felt every time I thought of how Alice was treated colored even that one word.

"She was always in the dark- that's why she didn't remember," Bella said quickly.

"I know. She understands now." I managed to say the words evenly, but I couldn't stop the anger warring inside me every time I thought of how she was treated.

Bella lifted her hand slowly and then stopped and looked down at the IV that inhibited her movements.

"Ugh." She groaned and winced simultaneously as her face paled slightly.

"What is it?" I asked, unable to keep the anxiety out of my voice as I shook off the black mood that had gripped me.

"Needles," she said and then looked away from my face, concentrating on a point in the ceiling. The color began to return to her cheeks.

"Afraid of a needle." I muttered the words and shook my head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…"

My facetious humor must not have impressed her as she just rolled her eyes and then quickly said, "Why are you here?"

I didn't understand why she'd asked me that. Had my teasing offended her? Perhaps she didn't want me here. I frowned slightly and tried to speak without revealing the hurt in my voice. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" Her eyes suddenly widened in horror. "No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she gets back."

"Oh," I said, and my face relaxed as I prepared to relay the cover story. "I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks." It didn't feel like a lie to say these words. I did feel like I needed to talk some sense into her, and though I knew I wouldn't try to convince her to come back to Forks, I could so easily let myself try to convince her to stay with me for eternity. "You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with Carlisle and Alice - of course I was here with parental supervision." I smiled at how virtuous that sounded. "But you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and… well, you know the rest. You don't need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points."

Bella bit her bottom lip for a moment and squinted at me. "There are a few flaws with that story. Like no broken windows."

"Not really," I said. "Alice had a little bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of very convincingly - you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry

about." I smiled at her and began to stroke her cheek as lightly as I could. "Your only job now is to heal."

As I touched her face and she looked deeply into my eyes, her heartbeat sped, and the beeping of the machine echoed the erratic pulses that normally only I could hear.

"That's going to be embarrassing," Bella muttered, squinting accusingly at the monitor.

I chuckled and then wondered what would happen if I kissed her. It seemed like a decade had passed instead of just a few days since the last time that I'd kissed her. "Hmm, I wonder…"

I leaned slowly toward her and with each inch that I brought my face closer to hers her heart sped faster. Gently, I pressed my lips to hers and the quick beeps from the monitor abruptly stopped.

Quickly pulling back, I anxiously looked between her face and the monitor and was relieved when the beeping began again almost immediately. I frowned. "It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual."

"I was not finished kissing you. Don't make me come over there." Her teasing whine was adorable, and I grinned at her as I leaned closer to kiss her again.

The monitor went wild again as I lightly pressed my lips to hers.

Which way? … Bella… Bella… terrible lunch… such a lovely girl. Renee's thoughts coming closer to the room made me pause. I pulled away from Bella and said, "I think I hear your mother." I grinned at Renee's thought pattern.

"Don't leave me!" Bella gasped and clutched at my hand. I hadn't been planning on leaving her room, but the terror that I saw in her eyes was unbearable. I spoke solemnly and smiled to reassure her. "I won't. I'll take a nap."

I moved from her side to the ugly turquoise recliner at the foot of the bed and leaned it all the way back. Closing my eyes, I lay perfectly still and concentrated on Renee's mind, gauging how soon she would be here.

"Don't forget to breathe," Bella said, sarcasm seeping through each whispered word. I took a deep breath to satisfy her.

Renee was closer now, and I was sure that even Bella would be able to hear her through the closed door. A nurse had just informed her that Bella should wake up at any time. "What? Why didn't someone tell me sooner that the medication was going to wear off today?" Her mind was scattered and tired as she felt annoyed at the overly calm nurse.

"I'm sure she's fine, but it takes a while for the grogginess to go away."

Renee turned away from the nurse, and her thoughts were full of concern for her daughter as she quietly opened the door and peeked in.

"Mom!" Bella's whisper was full of love and relief.

Renee saw me first and mumbled to herself about how I never left as she tried to tip-toe around me to Bella's side.

"Mom, I'm so glad to see you!"

When Renee heard Bella's voice, tears spontaneously began to pour down her face, "Bella, I was so upset!" she said and leaned down to hug her.

It was strange to read her mind. Everything she saw was so clear, yet her emotions changed so quickly that I couldn't predict what she would think or feel next. It made sense to me that Bella had

learned to be the one to take care of her mother. She seemed so childlike at times - and so very opposite from Charlie. I had hoped that hearing Renee's mind after hearing Charlie's would give me a better idea of the closed mind of their daughter. Perhaps if they were more alike, this would be helpful, but as it was, Bella's mind was still a baffling mystery to me. She seemed to be the unique culmination of two opposites.

Even though she saw too much as Bella always had, she seemed easily swayed. Her mind always shifting from thought to thought, and she spoke without forming the words in her mind before speaking.

When I first met her, I thought that the words in her mind were partly obscured as Charlie's always were, but as I was around her more, I realized that hardly any complete sentences stayed in her mind long enough for me to detect.

Renee and Bella were exchanging the normal pleasantries that people do when they haven't seen each other in a while, but when I heard Renee mention my father, I began to pay closer attention to their conversation.

"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there. He's such a nice man…very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor…"

"You met Carlisle?"

"And Edward's sister Alice. She's a lovely girl."

"She is," Bella said emphatically.

I saw myself through Renee's eyes as she looked over her shoulder at me as I pretended to sleep. Her thoughts were suddenly so curious I was amazed that she was able to contain the questions that buzzed in her mind so quickly that I couldn't follow them. "You didn't tell me you had such good friends in Forks," she said, still eyeing me. Her thought shifting from suspicion, to curiosity, to affection, to loneliness, to nostalgia, and then to concern as Bella moaned in pain.

"What hurts?" she asked, her shifting mind remained still for a moment as she stared again at Bella, anxiously demanded an answer.

I opened my eyes and looked at Bella's face too, also wanting reassurance.

"It's fine," Bella said, glancing at me quickly before looking at her mother. "I just have to remember not to move."

Closing my eyes again I concentrated on watching Bella through Renee's mind.

"Where's Phil?" Bella asked quickly, and all thoughts that Renee had about me and my family, and my relationship with Bella, left her mind instantly.

"Florida - oh, Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best news!"

"Phil got signed?"

"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns! Can you believe it?"

"That's great, Mom." Bella's enthusiasm didn't match her mother's.

"And you'll like Jacksonville so much," Renee said, the words gushing out of her as if she couldn't hold the dam back any longer. I knew this conversation would be coming and felt my lips tighten as I listened, watching Bella's vacant expression as she took in her mother's words. "I was a bit worried when Phil started talking about Akron, what with the snow and everything, because you know how I hate the cold, but now Jacksonville! It's always sunny, and the humidity really isn't that bad. We found the cutest house-yellow, with white trim, and a porch just like in an old movie, and

this huge oak tree, and it's just a few minutes from the ocean, and you'll have your own bathroom-"

"Wait, Mom!" Bella finally interrupted her eyes beginning to focus as she seemed to fully realize what her mother was saying. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks."

"But you don't have to anymore, silly." She laughed as if the idea were absurd. "Phil will be able to be around so much more now… we've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games, half the time with you, half the time with him."

"Mom…" Bella hesitated as she looked over her mother's face. "I want to live in Forks. I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends" - Renee glanced at me, accusation coloring her thoughts, then turned back to Bella as she continued - "and Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook at all."

"You want to stay in Forks?" Renee's thoughts were incoherently bewildered, and then that clarity broke through as her eyes flickered back to me again. "Why?"

"I told you - school, Charlie - ouch!" Bella had shrugged when she cried out, and Renee's hands fluttered over her daughter unsure of how to comfort her.

She began patting Bella's forehead as she said, "Bell, honey, you hate Forks."

"It's not so bad."

The black and white thoughts returned, and Renee looked between Bella and myself a few times before she said quietly, "Is it this boy?"

Renee watched Bella's face closely as she opened her mouth to say something then paused. "He's part of it," she finally said. "So, have you had a chance to talk with Edward?"

"Yes." She hesitated as she looked at my closed eyes again. "And I want to talk to you about that."

"What about?" Bella asked, trepidation coloring her tone.

"I think that boy is in love with you," Renee said, leaning close to Bella as if she were telling her something that she didn't already know.

"I think so, too."

Renee caught the twinkle in Bella's eyes and the curiosity raging in her mind was almost deafening. "And how do you feel about him?"

Bella sighed and looked away from her mother. "I'm pretty crazy about him." The tone in her voice wasn't convincing to me, but Renee accepted what she said, and I wished for the twelve hundred and twenty-second time that I could read Bella's mind. Why would she keep her feelings for me a secret? I understood why she should keep everything else about me a secret, but why this? I felt like climbing up on a rooftop and calling out to the world that I was in love with Bella Swan, and the only thing that stopped me from doing this was the warring desire that I always had inside me. Knowing that she needed to be free to leave me if she chose to, knowing that it would be safer and better for her life if she did. That was the only thing that kept me from climbing that roof and blasting a horn in Morse code that spelled out how much I loved her.

"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…" Renee paused and looked at her daughter, picturing Bella in her mind for a brief moment as she looked when she was in grade school. The images in her mind of how her daughter grew were interrupted when Bella spoke again.

"I know that, Mom. Don't worry about it," she said, her voice low and soothing. "It's just a crush."

"That's right." Renee agreed easily, and I painfully wondered how true Bella's words really were.

"Do you need to go?" Bella asked as her mother looked at the clock on the wall.

Should I? … maybe I should stay, but he said… "Phil's supposed to call in a little while… I didn't know you were going to wake up…"

"No problem, Mom. I won't be alone."

"I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know." Renee's mind was full of pride at this statement.

"Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that! You can sleep at home - I'll never notice."

"I was too nervous," she said sheepishly. "There's been some crime in the neighborhood, and I don't like being there alone."

"Crime?" Bella asked, as if she didn't know.

"Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground - there's nothing left at all! And they left a stolen car right out front. Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?"

"I remember." Bella shivered and then winced. I was sure she was remembering much more than dancing there.

"I can stay, baby, if you need me."

"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me."

Renee's mind suddenly turned from the caring mother to the suspicious parent as she looked at me. Yes, I'm sure he will… she thought and then said, "I'll be back tonight."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face for a brief moment at her words. I often had thought the same thing when I saw Bella's clumsiness.

A nurse came into the room just as Bella's mother bent down to kiss her forehead. Renee patted Bella's hand and then left the room. When did he say he'd call? … wait, what's the time difference again… maybe it's not too late to have coffee. Her shifting mind buzzed quickly away from the room.

The nurse was checking the paper readout on the heart monitor; her internal clucking was irritating. "Are you feeling anxious, honey? Your heart rate got a little high there."

"I'm fine." Bella and I both knew when her heart rate had gotten so high, and I wondered if they'd kick me out if they discovered that I was the cause.

"I'll tell your RN that you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute."

I was relieved when the nurse finally left, and as soon as the door closed I was by Bella's side in one-eights of a second.

"You stole a car?" she raised her eyebrows at me.

I grinned at her. "It was a good car, very fast."

"How was your nap?" she asked sarcastically.

"Interesting," I said, my eyes narrowed as I looked at her, wondering about what she'd told her mother.

"What?"

"I'm surprised. I thought Florida… and your mother… well, I thought that's what you would want." I had been preparing myself in these last few days to be able to talk to her about this, when it came up, without betraying the pain that I felt when I thought of her leaving me. My voice was smooth and hardly gave it away.

Bella stared at me. She seemed unable to understand my words. "But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night - just like a real vampire."

I almost smiled when she said 'real vampire' - as if I were a fake one - but quickly sobered when I remembered what we were talking about and what I would have to do. "I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it," I said forcing myself to believe that I could stay away from her if she chose to leave. "Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore."

Bella stared at me blankly for a moment and slowly her eyes became deep pools of realization. Her heart rate accelerated, emphasized by the monitor, and her breathing sped. I watched her beautiful bruised face twist in pain as she gasped. Her ribs must be hurting her. Did she finally realize that I'd done this to her? Did she finally see the danger, after all she'd been through?

The registered nurse walked purposefully into the room and quickly took in Bella's pained expression and the thrumming monitor. "Time for more pain meds, sweetheart?" she kindly said while tapping the IV feed.

"No, no," Bella said, agony coloring her voice. "I don't need anything."

"No need to be brave, honey. It's better if you don't get too stressed out; you need to rest."

Bella shook her head stubbornly.

"Okay. Hit the call button when you're ready," she said and sternly looked at me as she left. Leave it to a boyfriend to get her all worked up over some silly thing. He shouldn't even be in here, but she's not my daughter… I won't say anything…it's not my business…infatuations…The nurse glanced quickly at the machinery before closing the door.

Bella was still panicking, and I put my hand on her face. "Shhh, Bella, calm down."

"Don't leave me." Her voice broke as she gasped for air.

"I won't," I said. There wasn't any way I would leave her like this regardless. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."

Her breathing slowed marginally, but her heartbeat continued to gallop at an alarming pace. "Bella." I stroked her face anxiously, willing her to calm down. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me."

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" Her gasps and pained expression scared me. Everything I did or didn't do seemed to hurt her, but I didn't think there would ever come a time that I could leave her. I took her face between my hands and leaned close to her, looking deeply into her eyes. "I swear."

I continued to hold Bella's face as her heart gradual slowed to normal and her face relaxed.

"Better?" I asked.

"Yes," she said quietly.

I released her and shook my head, relieved that she didn't have a heart attack, and spoke too quickly and quietly for her to hear. "Of course she wasn't afraid of getting hurt again. No, she wants to stay with me and risk her life over and over. Of all the ridiculous overreactions I've ever seen…" I forced myself to stop speaking the incoherent words and looked at Bella. She was calmer but still shaking.

"Why did you say that? Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?" Bella's voice shook slightly as she spoke.

"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem with saving you, either - if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger… that I'm the reason that you're here."

"Yes, you are the reason," she said quickly and frowned. "The reason I'm here - alive."

"Barely," I said in a whisper. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move."

"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience. I was thinking of the others - you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery."

I winced as she spoke but wasn't deterred.

She didn't understand that all of those things started when she met me; it was all my fault.

"That's not the worst part, though," I said quietly, wanting her to understand how hard this was for me. "Not seeing you there on the floor…crumpled and broken. Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain - all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity." I choked on the words as I spoke, remembering as if I were reliving it all. "No, the very worst was feeling… knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself."

"But you didn't."

"I could have. So easily." Even when I explained it to her, I could tell from her eyes that she didn't take this seriously. It didn't seem to bother her at all that I couldhave killed her a hundred times over. Always running toward danger as she was, so foolish and trusting. She didn't understand how all of this had tortured me. Did she even care?

It didn't seem to bother her if she died and left me alone forever with the knowledge that I'd murdered the only woman I could love.

Bella's breathing began to accelerate again as she whispered. "Promise me."

"What?"

"You know what." Her tone was angry now, stubborn.

I answered her in the same tone, annoyed that she still wouldn't see the truth. "I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way…whether it kills you or not." Could I ever be that unselfish? I doubted it; I needed her too much.

"Good," she said, completely unconcerned about her own life as usual. Then she spoke more angrily. "You told me how you stopped… now I want to know why."

"Why?" Did she want me to kill her? This was ridiculous.

"Why you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now, I would be just like you."

I froze in shock. Against all of my careful plans to keep this information from her, she knew how close she'd come to becoming a vampire. Alice… I can't believe she actually told her when she knew that I didn't want Bella to know anything about this.

I was furious and had to lock my jaw in place so that I wouldn't start yelling, but I wasn't going to answer her question. We shouldn't even be having this discussion. I'd already made my decision. I wouldn't be selfish, and Bella clearly had no idea what was good for her. She proved that again and again.

Bella ignored my expressions. "I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," she said. "But it just seems logical…a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal…as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."

I folded my arms on her bed and rested my chin on them, finally able to push the anger away. It was logical, I couldn't deny that, but in this case it wasn't right, and she simply didn't - and couldn't - understand what she was talking about.

"You have saved me," I said softly. Would she ever realize how her love had changed me? She brought out the human parts of me that I had thought were unreachable. How could I allow her to be turned, losing her own humanity when I'd just found a semblance of my own?

"I can't always be Lois Lane," she said childishly. "I want to be Superman, too."

"You don't know what you're asking," I said gently. How could she know? She was so young, seen so little of the world, and she would want me to take all that she has away from her.

"I think I do," she said, stubborn again.

"Bella, you don't know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure."

"Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"

"No, I don't wish that," I said, remembering what I'd seen in his memories, my mother begging him to save me in any way that he could, and then the pain of the transformation. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."

"You are my life," she said. "You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose."

She didn't understand that I could still be here for her as she is. I didn't want to change her. I loved her too much to change anything about her, and only to make my life more convenient. I couldn't imagine this lovely girl, pure and innocent, being tortured by the demons that always haunt our lives - calling us to kill humanity.

A century's weight felt heavy in my mind as I answered her. "I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."

"Why not?" Her voice was rough with emotion. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today, or I guess it was a few days ago…anyway, after that, it should be nothing."

I glared at her. How could she want to put her life in danger again. No, it wasn't enough that I'd almost killed her once, that I had no idea how I'd stopped or if I could again, and she wanted to put me in that place again. Then I remembered her screams as the venom burned through her veins.

"And the pain?" I asked, hoping the reminder would be enough to deter her.

Her face turned white as I saw the memory flash across her face. "That's my problem. I can handle it."

"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity," I said, and for a moment really did wonder if she'd completely lost it. What could she be thinking?

"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."

Right.

Of course, she would know how long it took. I grimaced as I tried to control my anger. Alice was going to hear from me soon, and it wouldn't be a pleasant conversation. I turned to a different tactic.

"Charlie?" I said quickly. "Renee?"

There was too much of her life to live and a family that she cared about. The minutes ticked by as she struggled with these thoughts. Clearly, she hadn't thought of these things. She was so willing to give up everything but didn't understand, and I was sure there were other things besides her family that she hadn't considered. The obvious doubt in her eyes was a good indicator that I'd won this discussion.

"Look," she finally said, "that's not an issue either." She was such a bad liar that I knew her statement wasn't true. "Renee has always made the choices that work for her - she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient. He's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."

"Exactly," I said quickly. "And I won't end it for you."

"If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!"

"You're going to recover," I said, only pointing out the truth.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment before staring at me. I met her gaze and knew that we wouldn't be able to agree; she couldn't see what was in her best interest. Perhaps she was incapable of understanding what was best for her just as she was incapable of self-preservation, but I wouldn't yield - and she knew it.

"No," she said slowly. "I'm not."

Why would she say that? "Of course you are. You may have a scar or two…"

"You're wrong," she insisted. "I'm going to die."

"Really, Bella," I said, growing anxious. "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two weeks at the most."

She glared at me as if I'd missed something entirely too obvious. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."

Ah, that was the problem. I frowned and pressed my fingers to my temple. Was she more upset that she wouldn't have eternal youth? Was she afraid that I would leave her because she'd grow to look older than me? I have seen so many humans at every stage of life, beautiful at each place. To say that an old woman isn't as beautiful in who she is as a young woman is, to me, the same as saying that a baby couldn't be as beautiful as a child. The beauty was merely different. This world has such a narrow-minded idea of time - of the best place in life to be. They try all their young lives to grow up to a certain point and then spend the rest of their lives trying to stay at that same point. Rather, each moment, each change adds grace and meaning to every life. Part of the hell of our existence is never living those human changes. Experiencing growth and a maturity that comes with age and gray hair. Humanity prizes what immortals have, yet does not see - does not appreciate - the greater prize that is theirs and theirs alone.

Bella was too young to understand these profound truths, and how was I supposed to answer her immature, absurd arguments? "That's how it's supposed to happen," I finally said. "How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist - and I shouldn't exist."

Bella snorted, and I opened my eyes in surprise to look at her.

"That's stupid," she said. "That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."

"I'm hardly a lottery prize," I said, nearly growling the words at her.

"That's right. You're much better."

I rolled my eyes. This was beyond insane. She not only had no sense of self-preservation; she sought out death. If she were being burned at the stake, she'd probably hold on to the stake instead of trying to get away.

Suddenly, I realized that that's just what she was thinking. Purposefully choosing to be poisoned with my venom so that she could hold onto that stake and let the venom burn through her. That is, if I didn't kill her before she could be torched alive. She had no more concern for her own soul than the people that waited in dark places hoping a vampire would find them, so they could trade their souls for eternal youth and a living hell.

This conversation was going nowhere good.

"Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night, and that's the end of it."

"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well," she said warningly. "You're not the only vampire I know."

I gasped, furious again. "Alice wouldn't dare," I said darkly, and decided right then what I would do if she tried it. She'd have a vision of my retribution and would know not to cross me in this.

"Alice already saw it, didn't she?" Bella said pulling me out of my dark thoughts. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you…someday."

"She's wrong. She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen, either."

"You'll never catch me betting against Alice."

Bella was far too stubborn for her own good, but I could be just as stubborn if she was going to act so irrationally. We stared at each other for several minutes. There was no change in her expression, and I knew I would never be able to convince her why it would be wrong for me to allow her to turn her back on humanity.

But I didn't want to argue anymore. Bella needed to rest, to heal, and I didn't want to waste any moment I had with her on silly arguments.

Her face gradually relaxed as well when she finally spoke. "So where does that leave us?"

I chuckled without humor. "I believe it's called an impasse."

She sighed, saying, "Ouch."

I was sure the facetious 'ouch' had a double meaning in this case, and she must be in more pain now. "How are you feeling?" I asked, glancing at the call button for the nurse.

"I'm fine," she said, only poorly lying of course.

"I don't believe you," I said gently. I didn't want her to hurt any more.

"I'm not going back to sleep."

"You need rest. All this arguing isn't good for you."

"So give in."

"Nice try," I said and reached for the button.

"No!"

I ignored her protest and pressed the button. A voice came over the speaker. "Yes?"

"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I said calmly, disregarding Bella's livid expression.

"I'll send in the nurse."

"I won't take it," Bella said decisively.

I gestured to the sack of fluids hanging beside her bed. "I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything."

Her heartbeat sped again, and her eyes were full of fear. I sighed, frustrated that she couldn't even seem to let herself heal properly. "Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? They're not going to put any more needles in you now."

"I'm not afraid of the needles. I'm afraid to close my eyes."

I smiled gently at her and took her face in my hands. "I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."

She smiled back. "You're talking about forever, you know."

"Oh, you'll get over it - it's just a crush," I said, hearing her voice echo in my head with those same words.

Bella shook her head. "I was shocked when Renee swallowed that one. I know you know better."

Do I? "That's the beautiful thing about being human," I said. "Things change."

She squinted at me, the smile leaving her face. "Don't hold your breath," she said.

I was chuckling at her choice of words when the nurse came in, holding a syringe.

"Excuse me," she said brusquely, brushing me aside. Too much excitement isn't good for her, but she's not my daughter… boyfriends shouldn't be allowed in hospitals… I had moved to the end of the small room and leaned against the wall, watching Bella calmly as the nurse injected the drug into her tube. "Here you go, honey. You'll feel better now."

"Thanks," she said, mumbling the word insincerely.

"That ought to do it," the nurse said as she and I both observed Bella's eyes drooping with sleep. Then she quickly left the room.

I was beside Bella in an instant stroking her bruised face gently before she fell completely asleep. Her eyelids fluttered open for a moment as she spoke one slurred word. "Stay…"

"I will," I said assuring her, but wanting to be truthful at the same time. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."

The pucker appeared between her eyes as she slowly tried to shake her head. "'s not the same thing," she said heavy with sleep.

I laughed quietly. "Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up."

She half smiled. "'Kay."

Leaning close to whisper in her ear, I said. "I love you." She would never understand just how much.

"Me, too."

"I know," I said, chuckling again.

She turned her head toward me, her eyes were closed again, but I knew what she wanted and touched my lips gently to hers.

"Thanks." She sighed.

"Any time."

The muscles in her face had gone slack, but suddenly she seemed to pull herself awake, though her eyes were still closed. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I'm betting on Alice," she said and then fell asleep.

Watching Bella sleep peacefully, I thought of the love that I felt for this small, frail human, and it overwhelmed me with its fierce protectiveness.

She was betting on Alice, but I would be eternally grateful that I hadn't believed Alice's visions needed to come true. If I had, Bella would have died many months ago.

Bella couldn't understand how much I loved her. She didn't see the sacrifice I made for her at every moment; fighting back every inhuman instinct that I had, wanting her to live a full human life with everything I could never give her, watching her grow gracefully older, each moment more beautiful than the last.

I wished again that I could be human for Bella. To grow and change with her, seeing our children, a small part of each of us blended together, the perfect manifestation of our love.

I would never experience this heaven with her, but she could live a long and happy life with me. I could see her grow and change and mature, loving each moment of her existence. Even from a distance, if she meets someone else and wants a family, I would give her up. I loved her too deeply to do anything less, but how many years would I have with her? Could I protect her from the dangers in my world?

I thought again of what Carlisle had said to me.

"You don't know what good can come from this, from your love for Bella. Have faith…"

But what did that mean? Even though I could believe in the possibility that the creator of the world had stopped me from killing Bella as I pulled the venom from her veins, I couldn't believe that this same deity would sanction the elimination of her soul.

It seemed to mean nothing to Bella.

I doubted that she even considered what it would mean to give up her soul in exchange for me, and what would happen if she did become a vampire and saw me with new eyes?

If she saw me without being human and no longer felt the impact of the attractive ploys that were meant to draw our victims to us, what would she think? I could never know if that was the only reason she loved me now, and if I agreed to turn her and her love for me changed, all of my fears would come to pass. I'd be dooming her to an eternal depression.

I knew she loved me, but if I were human, would it be the same for her? If she were a vampire, would she love me the same as she does now? There was no change in her that would make me love her any less. But I've been existing for over 100 years, and read the minds of every human and vampire that I was ever near. Bella was so young and there was much that she couldn't understand.

Now that I knew she wanted to become one of us, I was even more afraid for her life, for her eternal life, and humanity.

I wasn't telling the whole truth when I told her that I wasn't sorry that Carlisle had changed me. Though it was true that I wouldn't change what he did, I'd seen the look in my mother's eyes through his memory and couldn't be sorry for his decision. What wasn't fully true was that I wasn't giving anything up. I had lost something.

My soul is gone.

I know that, and I would never experience the heaven that I believed in.

I could not take that away from Bella. If I loved her less, I could give her what she wanted, but this… her humanity, her soul, and heaven in exchange for eternal hell with me?

I'm not worth it. I couldn't think of a blacker, more self-centered sin than that.

She would not give up her wish or her faith in Alice's vision. I knew her stubbornness too well to believe it possible, but I wouldn't allow it to happen.

And just as I'd protected Bella at every moment that I knew her, from me, from other humans, from vampires, now I would protect her from herself.

Epilogue:

An Occasion

"Bella, stop moving. It's not going to hurt. It's just foundation!" You'd think I was smearing a radioactive byproduct on her skin.

I saw the expression on Bella's face through Alice's mind and had to agree with her assessment.

I haven't heard your car yet, Edward, and you'd better be out of here in two seconds… Alice's mental orders stopped when she saw Emmett poke his head around the door.

"Hey, don't put that on her!" Emmett's eyes twinkled with mirth as he spoke, and I saw Bella from a new perspective through his mind before I drove out of the driveway. "If you cover her face with that, I won't get to see her blushing!"

"Emmett!" They both said. "Get out!"

Emmett's mirth echoed through my mind as I drove away. I smiled at how he had taken to Bella in the last few months, like his own favorite little sister. He enjoyed teasing her and laughing at her human reactions almost as much as I had at first.

Before I left, I had promised Alice that I wouldn't drive over 100 mph to pick up the corsage that I'd ordered in Port Angeles. This was supposed to give her exactly the right amount of time to dress-up Bella. I thought it was a little silly for Alice to banish me while Bella got ready, but Alice loved surprises - and what could I do when she insisted? I'd seen the vision that she'd had of Bella enjoying herself at prom but knew better than to outright say where I was taking her tonight.

She would enjoy it. Alice had seen that, and I didn't want my presence in Bella's life to take anything away from her. I wanted her to enjoy every normal human activity, and prom was an important right of passage.

I'd thrown my tux on before leaving the house to save time, but as I entered the florist shop, I wondered if that had been the best decision.

Wow… gorgeous… Close your mouth you idiot. The girl behind the counter was gaping at me as I walked up to her.

"I ordered a corsage, under the name of Cullen," I said, looking away from her batting eyes. I had no desire to encourage anyone by looking into their eyes, even to get my own way as I once had.

"Yes, of course." She fluttered to the back of the store where the cooler was, to retrieve it. Wow… I've never seen… I didn't dream… why do I have to work in the one place where all the guys that come in here are unavailable?

I ignored her thoughts after that by turning my mind to the flowers around me. I couldn't help but see their meanings as I looked at them. In the time that I was human the language of flowers was as understood as texting and all the abbreviations that go with it are now. Messages were relayed and understood in such a beautiful manner. Shakespeare punctuated his plays with these messages as well; now, they're almost completely missed by the modern eye. I saw an elaborate bouquet of yellow roses on display and understood why the floral industry would not want their original meaning of unfaithfulness to be known. Red roses were pretty generally understood even now to signify true love - but had turned into a cliché. Everyone on Valentine's Day would get their sweetheart red roses-and it meant nothing several months later when they would break up. Lavender, devotion, was much undervalued in the relationships that I saw around me. I glanced at the pot of white lilies signifying purity, and the potted cactus next to it, endurance. My eyes swept the room and I saw anivy plant, fidelity, and a begonia plant saying beware. Eucalyptus, protection, encircled wreaths and hung from the walls.

Warnings and declarations were all around me like giant neon signs, and suddenly the girl came from the back of the shop holding a clear corsage box. Three delicate white orchids. Nothing more, no ribbons, no greenery. It didn't need to say more. It was…

"Beautiful," I said, taking the box from her and turning to walk out of the door. I'd already paid over the phone and didn't want to stay there any longer in my tux. Not with her gaping at me. Her incoherent thoughts were not something I wanted to dwell on, and any moment away from Bella would always be more painful now than even the burning fire of the venom when I was changed.

I pushed the car slightly past Alice's speed limit, but when I got back to the house, the others were just about to drive away.

See you there! Alice grinned at me through the window of Rosalie's car. Bella's waiting for you inside.

I appreciated the moment alone with Bella, and when I stepped into the room, she was standing by the stairs holding onto the banister. She didn't seem to hear me at first- her nervous expression didn't waver as I watched her. For a moment, I was unable to move. I had imagined this once, of what it would be like to take her to a dance, and this impossible moment was here. I barely noticed the style of her dress, or how Alice had arranged her hair. Everything about her appearance made

her look only more like herself. Simply emphasizing the beauty and grace that I always saw and that she never seemed to be able to acknowledge.

"Hello," I said quietly and slowly walked over to her. Somehow the wisps of blue chiffon that I couldn't seem to focus on made her look even more fragile than usual, more delicate, more precious. The layers of fabric clung to her shape like water clings to a fountain, each slight movement that she made, so graceful in her stillness, made her look all the more alive and vibrant.

Her mouth fell open when she looked at me, and I had to smile. I was glad that she was at least a little stunned by me as I always was by her beauty. I hoped her thoughts were as incoherent as the shop girls'.

"Wow… you look… good."

"What, with this?" I joked gesturing at my tux. "It's hardly adequate compared to how beautiful you are looking tonight." I felt underdressed suddenly and couldn't take my eyes from hers. "I have something for you," I said and, taking the flowers from their box, I pinned them into her elaborate curls while ignoring Bella's protests. She wasn't used to being taken care of and to have someone cherish her, but that didn't mean I would stop.

"Come with me. We're going to be late," I said, helping her to the door and down the stairs.

Her eyes narrowed at my words as we walked, but she let me help her into the car. She gingerly lifted her heavy walking cast in last. A twinge of pain hit me every time I saw her injury, and I wondered how much it still hurt her. The plaster had been removed, and she no longer needed crutches or Alice's help to shower, but it still must hurt her even in the new cast. I could ask her if she was in pain but knew that she would deny it even if she were. My thoughts turned to her grim expression as I entered the car.

"At what point exactly are you going to tell me what's going on?" She looked grumpy, and I wondered if she really didn't know.

"I'm shocked that you haven't figured it out yet." I smiled teasingly, and her breath caught; her heartbeat sped.

"I did mention that you looked very nice, didn't I?" she asked, as if she couldn't remember.

"Yes." I grinned again.

As I drove, her appreciative expression turned quickly into a frown again. "I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do," Bella said, picking at the frills on her dress. A dark cloud seemed to hover over her annoyance as she turned her head, glaring at her bare shoulder and tried to pull the off-the-shoulder style up higher. I smiled to myself but didn't want to offend her. Bella's fury was almost as much fun to witness as seeing her looking like this.

The phone rang suddenly, and I looked at the ID, surprised at the name. "Hello, Charlie," I said warily, wondering if he'd changed his mind about how late Bella would be allowed to stay out with me. As I'd predicted, he'd been very angry with me and had imposed curfews and visiting hours that hadn't existed before. He was right of course, all that had happened was my fault, but his phone call wasn't about any of that.

"Seems like someone didn't get the memo about who was taking Bella to prom." Charlie's voice barely veiled the humor behind his words. "A kid named Tyler is here, waiting for her."

"You're kidding!" I couldn't help but laugh. How Tyler could be so delusional was beyond me.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

I shook my head at her and said, "Why don't you let me talk to him?"

I suppose I should feel sorry for him, but he brought it on himself. Bella had never said yes to him, and we'd obviously been a couple ever since spring break.

"Hello?" Tyler's voice sounded slightly hopeful, and I knew I would have to squash that hope immediately.

"Hello, Tyler, this is Edward Cullen. I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight." I tried to make my words sound friendly, but then decided that a character like this needed a more obvious discouragement since he hadn't been able to take even the not-so-subtle hints. "To be perfectly honest," I said more coldly, "she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I'm sorry about your evening." I wasn't sorry in the least as a matter of fact, and I snapped the phone shut before he could say anything. I probably liked that a little too much, and when I felt the heat of Bella's blush and heard her heart beat quicken, I wiped the smirk off my face and turned to look into her angry, tear-filled eyes.

"Was that last part a bit too much? I didn't mean to offend you." After all, I didn't want to control her life- I just wanted to be apart of it.

She brushed off my comment with a wave of her hand. "You're taking me to the prom!"

The velocity of her accusation shocked me. How could she truly be this surprised? I remembered Alice's vision of Bella enjoying the dance. Bella's lips were pressed tightly together, and she was glaring narrowly at me. I had the feeling that if she were given the chance, she'd try to bolt from the car and probably trip and hurt herself. Not to mention miss out on a wonderful experience. I matched her hard expression with one of my own and said, "Don't be difficult, Bella."

Her eyes flicked to the window. We were halfway there, and the anger in her face flickered with a hint of fear. "Why are you doing this to me?" The tone in her voice was full of horror and mortification. Why couldn't she trust me? I wouldn't force her to do something that she wouldn't enjoy.

I gestured at my tux. "Honestly, Bella, what did you think we were doing?"

She didn't answer me, but tears were rolling down her face, and she quickly brushed them away and looked out the window.

"This is completely ridiculous. Why are you crying?" I asked, frustrated and confused.

"Because I'm mad!"

"Bella," I said gently, looking deeply into her eyes and hoping I could dazzle her into forgetting her anger.

"What?" she asked, her eyes unfocused for a moment.

"Humor me." I held her gaze and saw the fury melt from her eyes.

"Fine. I'll go quietly. But you'll see. I'm way overdue for more bad luck. I'll probably break my other leg. Look at this shoe! It's a death trap!" Bella moved the folds of her skirt and pointed at her leg wrapped in ribbons from the one high heel.

With such an invitation as this, I allowed my eyes to linger on the curve of her ankle and calf longer than was entirely proper. "Hmmm. Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight."

"Alice is going to be there?"

"With Jasper, and Emmett…and Rosalie," I said, hoping that the fact that Rosalie would be there wouldn't bother her. Rosalie mainly ignored her, but as nice as it was for me to have Rosalie ignore

me and mainly keep her thoughts on anything else but my relationship with Bella, I knew that Rosalie's rudeness bothered Bella. Probably more than she let on.

Bella shook her head and suddenly asked, "Is Charlie in on this?" The tone of her voice sounded like she was accusing a traitor of mutiny.

I grinned. "Of course," I said and then chuckled quietly. "Apparently Tyler wasn't, though."

I heard Bella's teeth grinding together, but she said nothing as we drove up to the school. I parked across the lot from Rosalie's red convertible and got out of the car to open Bella's door.

The sun was setting, and a few beams of golden light shown through the clouds. It was a stark contrast to the cloudy expression that Bella wore when I opened her door. Her arms were crossed in front of her, and she looked as if she wished she could glue herself to the seat. Her stormy expression didn't waver as she knew I couldn't forcefully take her from the car with so many people in the parking lot. Not that I would have regardless.

I sighed. "When someone wants to kill you, you're as brave as a lion- and then when someone mentions dancing…" I shook my head.

Bella gulped and the stubbornness that emanated from her turned to fear. Her breathing accelerated, and her heart sped. I was so in tune with her now, that I could easily sense her moods just by the rhythm of her heart and lungs.

"Bella," I said soothingly, "I won't let anything hurt you - not even yourself." I'd promised that to myself when she was in the hospital, and it applied to so many things. She looked up at me, still doubtful, and I said, "I won't let go of you once, I promise."

The storm that had been brewing dissipated, and my own personal sun was shining again as she looked up at me.

"There, now," I said gently as I leaned down and wrapped my arm around her waist, "it won't be so bad." Helping her from the car, I kept my arm tightly around her as we walked toward the school. Bella still limped slightly even as I supported her weight, and it tore at the guilt that I would always feel for her injuries. She wouldn't miss out on this experience because of her broken leg. Not because of what I'd done to her. My goal tonight was to make her forget about it and to enjoy this human experience without me getting in the way.

We walked slowly toward the gym partly for Bella's sake and partly for my own. These were the times when I desperately wished I couldn't read minds. The thoughts of every human echoed through my head, and I heard the music playing on the speakers from each of the hundred minds in the crowded gym. It was more difficult to ignore the mental assault in situations like this. The panic, fear, insecurity, smugness, jealousy, and anger were stronger on nights like these.

The Cullens are such freaks. Why would anyone want to dance on the same floor with them anyway.

He isn't going to ask me… not that I want him to…

How could I dance near Rosalie? My dress looks like a rag compared to hers.

I looked through their minds at my family then as they twirled gracefully around each other as if they were in a competition. I realized suddenly that Emmett and Jasper did have a competition of sorts going, but Alice and Rosalie weren't supposed to know about it.

Many of the thoughts coming from each female in the room were focused on Rosalie. Jealous, envious, or impressed every girl seemed to lose a measure of self-esteem when they looked at her. It was silly in my opinion. Rosalie's overly revealing red dress was too much like her car. Ostentatious. It bothered me how many girls in the room wanted to emulate her. If they only new how shallow their desires were, how the attraction that they wanted to possess was already within

their reach, and how they would only be attracting the boys that they didn't admire if they copied Rosalie's style, perhaps they would see her for what she was.

The fantasies in almost every mind of each boy in the room were even more irritating to me. They kept thinking of the next step.

Will she let me kiss her tonight?

I wonder if she'd push me away if I moved my hand farther down her back.

Often their thoughts weren't put into words. It annoyed me that most of them couldn't just enjoy what they had right now. Enjoy the moment they were in. Cherish the girl resting on their arm.

When we walked into the lamely decorated gym, Bella stared up at the cheesy balloon arches and started giggling behind her hand. "This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen," she whispered to me as she tried to suppress her snickers.

I couldn't disagree with her, but thought of a different reason than the decorations. "Well," I whispered, "There are more than enough vampires present."

I brought Bella slowly toward the ticket table while I tried to focus my thoughts only on her. She leaned conspiratorially over to me and whispered. "Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?"

"And where do you fit into that scheme?" I glared at her, wondering how she could always joke about something so wrong.

"Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course."

My returning smile was reluctant as I considered the damage my life had done to hers. "Anything to get out of dancing," I said, trying to make a joke of it as well.

She nodded. "Anything."

I bought our tickets and turned Bella toward the dance floor; the closer we got to the dancing couples the tighter she held me and the slower her feet moved. "I've got all night," I said in warning as I continued to drag her slowly forward. I couldn't just whisk her along with me as I wanted to with so many witnesses watching us, but eventually I'd moved her into the center of the floor near to where my brother and sisters were dancing.

"Edward," Bella said, whispering hoarsely. "I honestly can't dance!" Her face was whiter than usual, and horror clouded her eyes.

"Don't worry, silly," I said quietly back. "I can."

Grinning, I put her arms around my neck and gently picked her up so that I could slide my feet under her own. I listened to the music and disregarded it, choosing to waltz instead. I'd realized what contest my brothers had been engaged in without their wives' knowledge. It was "dance in a style that is the most opposite to the music" or something to that effect, and I decided to do the same.

As we whirled around the room, Bella slowly began to smile, and her eyes twinkled. Finally she laughed and said, "I feel like I'm five years old."

"You don't look five," I said deeply. More glad than I could say that she was mine right now. I pulled her closer to me as we moved across the floor.

See, Edward, exactly as I said. She loves it! Alice was ecstatic that Bella was enjoying herself and smiled at her as they caught each other's eye. Bella smiled back and Alice's thoughts were smug. I

knew Bella couldn't dislike my makeover as much as she'd complained about it. I decided not to mention to Alice how upset Bella had been in the car. Why burst her bubble?

Just walk in, it's no big deal. A little prom crashing that's all. … Geez, why did he want me to do this? How badly do I want to embarrass myself just for a bribe? Right, I wanted to see Bella, didn't I?

"Okay, this isn't half-bad," Bella said, but I barely heard her. I was watching Jacob Black enter the room. He was staring at Bella, wondering if he should approach us now or wait till after the song.

Man, he's wearing a tux. How can I compete with a rich, handsome, older guy in a tux. I must look like a turd.

"What is it?" Bella asked me and then turned her head to see what I was looking at.

Wow, she looks fantastic. I'm such an idiot. She's going to hate me after this. Jacob began to cross over to us, and I saw Bella's expression through his mind, turning from surprise to pity. Maybe if she knows how embarrassing this is for me, she won't hate me too much. She looks like she wouldn't mind dancing with me. I wouldn't mind her hating me forever if I get to hold her for a few minutes with the way she's looking tonight.

I couldn't help the quiet growl that rumbled in my chest when I heard his thoughts, but Bella turned on me. "Behave!" she said.

"He wants to chat with you." I couldn't help but be annoyed that his intrusion was going to make me break my promise to Bella, but I couldn't very well toss him across the room. He needed to just say what he came to say and be gone.

This is so stupid, Jacob thought and was barely able to meet Bella's eyes through his embarrassment as he walked up to us. "Hey, Bella, I was hoping you would be here." And also not hoping you would be here. I can't believe I'm doing this…

"Hi, Jacob." Bella smiled encouragingly at him. "What's up?"

"Can I cut in?" Jacob asked, looking at me for the first time since he entered the room. Man, he doesn't look like he wants to leave her, but I can't blame him… If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to let go of her either.

I didn't say anything and tried to keep my jealously from showing on my face as I set Bella on her own feet and stepped back.

"Thanks," Jacob said and smiled appreciatively. His mind was more interesting than Mike Newton's, but letting Bella go to anyone else was not something I particularly wanted to be thanked for. I just nodded, however, and searched Bella's face for a moment before walking to stand next to the wall. She didn't seem to remember my promise or mind at all that his hands were now around her waist. I listened to his smug thoughts as he thought she'd sounded impressed at how tall he was getting. That's something you say to children, right? It shouldn't bother me. Why was I seething with anger then?

Why does she keep wearing that funny perfume? Jacob's mind registered my scent that was lingering around Bella, and I felt an odd pleasure. Perhaps it was the predatory instinct in me that made me feel so uncontrollably possessive. I knew that I should learn to control this side of me, but I was enjoying the fact that somehow I had left evidence of some sort of claim on her. On another level of my reaction, my possessiveness bothered me and reminded me of my inhumanity. Humans don't claim a mate like vampires do. If Bella had felt that way with me, she wouldn't be able to calmly hold him like she was. But her actions weren't inhuman; mine were.

"Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself, at least." I overheard Bella say to him, "Seen anything you like?" She nodded toward a group of girls lined up like brightly colored flowers against the wall of the gym.

"Yeah." You. He sighed. "But she's taken." Do I want her to know I meant her? I watched through Jacob's eyes as he looked down at Bella. Seeing the confusion and then understanding before they both looked away from each other. Bella had blushed and Jacob was embarrassed. I'm glad she knows I like her even if she just thinks of me as a friend. He fingered the wisps of chiffon clinging around her waist as they awkwardly swayed to the music, and I suddenly realized that I'd ground my fingertips a quarter of an inch into the brick wall behind me.

"You look really pretty, by the way," Jacob said shyly.

He might as well have not said anything if that was the best compliment he could come up with. Not that I wanted him to compliment her at all. It was exasperating.

"Um, thanks. So why did Billy pay you to come here?" Bella asked quickly, and I hoped Jacob would answer just as quickly so that he could leave sooner.

"He said it was a 'safe' place to talk to you. I swear the old man is losing his mind." Jacob laughed at his own joke, and Bella joined in weakly.

"Anyway, he said that if I told you something, he would get me that cylinder I need." His sheepish grin must have added some amount of likeability in Bella's eyes.

"Tell me, then. I want you to get your car finished." Bella grinned back at him, and I watched her expression, careful to keep my own feelings concealed. Just because I felt this possessive toward her didn't mean it was right. She glanced at me, and I carefully kept my expression neutral.

"Don't get mad, okay?" I can't keep stalling like this… just spit it out.

"There's no way I'll be mad at you, Jacob. I won't even be mad at Billy. Just say what you have to."

"Well-this is so stupid, I'm sorry, Bella-" His words came out in one breath. "He wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you 'please.'" Crazy old man… anyone can see the Cullen's aren't vampires. Jacob shook his head, more disgusted with his own part in this than even his Dad wanting Bella to break up with me over a 'superstition.'

"He's still superstitious, eh?"

"Yeah." Man, I'm glad she's taking this so well… "He was…kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix." That's an understatement… "He didn't believe…" Yeah, I don't need to give her the gruesome details. Jacob remembered some of Billy's mumblings and felt self-conscious as Bella's eyes narrowed at him.

"I fell," she said evenly.

"I know that," Jacob answered quickly.

"He thinks Edward had something to do with me getting hurt."

Oh, great, she is mad now. Jacob couldn't meet her eyes, and he'd stopped trying to sway with the music as their conversation got more intense.

"Look, Jacob, I know Billy probably won't believe this, but just so you know-" Jacob looked at her then, registering the intensity of her words. "Edward really did save my life. If it weren't for Edward and his father, I'd be dead."

"I know," he said. At least I know now. Wow… she's really intense. I've been listening to my Dad too much. Not that I could convince him of anything different.

"Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Jacob." Bella's angry expression left as quickly as it had come, and now she was apologizing to him. Her generosity knew no bounds. "At any rate, you get your parts, right?"

"Yeah." If I tell her the rest of the message. He thought with even more embarrassment.

"There's more?"

"Forget it," he said, mumbling quietly. "I'll get a job and save the money myself." That would be better than losing her friendship for life.

"Just spit it out, Jacob."

"It's so bad."

"I don't care. Tell me."

Great. "Okay… but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you, no, to warn you, that - and this is his plural, not mine…" he removed a hand from her waist and added air quotes to his words. "'We'll be watching.'" Jacob watched Bella anxiously, his mind in turmoil for a few seconds as he was horrified at his own words. Air quotes? Why did I do that? It makes it sound so perverted. I shouldn't have even come… What? Why is she laughing?

"Sorry you had to do this, Jake," Bella said still chuckling.

I supposed it could be funny if there wasn't so much truth in the warning. Personally, I couldn't laugh at his words.

"I don't mind that much." The relief in Jacob's mind was almost palpable, as he heard her laughter, he grinned at her. Her reaction also seemed to make him more confident, and he allowed himself a quick appraising glance from her bare shoulders down her dress. Getting to see her like this was worth the humiliation, he thought, and I grew more impatient for him to be gone.

He grinned when his eyes met hers again. "So, should I tell him you said to butt the hell out?" His tone was hopeful, but his mind was that of a comrade. I didn't have to like him, but I couldn't be angry either if I was being fair. He thought of her as a kindred-spirit, which was much better than all of Bella's school friends, except Angela Webber.

But I wasn't being fair, and I didn't feel any inclination to reward him as I'd done for Angela. With any guy that liked Bella, there were naturally other rules that applied between us.

I heard the music winding toward its ending and began to walk over to them.

"No." Bella sighed. "Tell him I said thanks. I know he means well."

When the song ended, Bella dropped her arms, but Jacob didn't. He glanced down at her cast. "Do you want to dance again? Or can I help you get somewhere?"

"That's all right, Jacob," I said. "I'll take it from here."

I'd surprised him, and he flinched at my words, his eyes were wide. "Hey, I didn't see you there." I wish she would break up with him, but I suppose that would be too much to ask for. Anyway, she seems happy enough. "I guess I'll see you around, Bella." Probably not, but I can dream, can't I?

Bella smiled at him as he let go of her, and said, "Yeah, I'll see you later."

"Sorry," Jacob said to her again before he turned and walked toward the door.

I wound my arms around Bella again and put her on my feet as the next song began to play. An up-tempo number began, and I happily danced even slower to keep up with Jasper and Emmett's little game.

…Wish I could have stayed with her longer… right, dream on Jacob…

"Feeling better?" Bella said, a teasing twinkle in her eye.

"Not really," I admitted as I listened to Jacob's thoughts fade away into the parking lot.

"Don't be mad at Billy." Bella sighed indulgently. "He just worries about me for Charlie's sake. It's nothing personal."

"I'm not mad at Billy." I'd already gone through and still go through my own fears for Bella that happened to be the same as Billy's, and his assumptions were more on target than it seemed could be possible. No, it wasn't Billy. "But his son is irritating me."

She pulled away from me and looked at my expression. Her eyes were simply curious and a little surprised. Of course, she wouldn't think anyone would find her attractive. She never had before.

"Why?"

"First of all, he made me break my promise."

She still looked confused and I explained. "I promised I wouldn't let go of you tonight." I half-smiled at her but was still annoyed.

"Oh. Well, I forgive you."

"Thanks. But there's something else." I frowned wondering what part of what he said or thought that had annoyed me I should actually tell her. I decided to only mention the thing that he'd said out loud. "He called you pretty," I said, my frown deepening. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."

Bella laughed. "You might be a little biased."

"I don't think that's it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight." Too many of the boys in the room were wishing they were in my place, not that she'd believe me if I told her that. I wouldn't tell her regardless. None of them were worthy of her as I'd always known since I'd known Bella at all. Acknowledging their repulsive thoughts was giving them too much credence.

I held her close as we twirled, pushing my annoyance aside and following my own advice of enjoying the moment. It wasn't hard to do when Bella was in my arms. I had dreamed of this moment, not believing at the time that it could be possible.

I happened to catch the thoughts of Angela and Ben as we moved past them and was grateful that at least one human couple was blissfully in love in all of these discontented minds. I smiled when I remembered my own part in that romance, and was glad that Ben was worthy of Angela. Their thoughts mirrored my own, and I wondered what Bella could be thinking right now.

"So are you going to explain the reason for all of this?" Bella asked.

I looked down at her, confused and slightly hurt. Wasn't she enjoying herself? She seemed to be, even in spite of the interruption. Then she glared meaningfully at the crepe paper decorations.

Right. She had been utterly shocked at where I was taking her, even though the date of the prom was pasted on practically every wall of the school. Even though we were obviously dressed up for a special occasion.

I needed to know what she'd been expecting and wanted to leave the noise and buzzing thoughts of the crowd behind me while we talked. I changed our direction and danced toward the exit.

We passed Jessica and Mike on our way to the door. Jessica was merely curious as to where I was taking Bella, and they smiled at each other as Jessica waved quickly. Mike's repulsive thoughts took a different turn when he saw that I was leading Bella toward a secluded location. I quickly

ignored his thoughts, wishing that I hadn't grown so accustomed to tuning into their minds. It made ignoring them much harder.

Soon we were outside, and I gently picked Bella up, cradling her in my arms to give her leg a rest and took her to a bench beneath a madrone tree. The fading light of the sunset made the clouds around the moon glow slightly pink. I stared at the moon, still cradling Bella in my lap as I sat on the bench.

"The point?" she said softly.

"Twilight, again," I said sadly. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end." I knew my time with her would have to end, but I selfishly didn't want it to.

"Some things don't have to end," Bella said through her teeth, her tone was suddenly tense, and I knew that this could be an opening for the same old argument. I turned the conversation to her original question.

"I brought you to the prom," I said slowly, looking into her warm eyes, "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."

She shuddered when I said that and then shook her head, anger seeping into her voice. "In what strange parallel dimension would I ever have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this."

I smiled briefly, always amused at her fury.

"It wasn't so bad, you said so yourself." Maybe she needed me to help her see the importance of these human experiences? Or maybe that was just another excuse to prolong my time with her.

"That's because I was with you."

I stared up at the moon again and felt her staring at me. I didn't know what to say to her. I wanted to be with her forever, but I knew this was better. Why couldn't she appreciate what we had now? I wondered if it was just another human quality that vampires lacked. That innate desire to want the next thing. Maybe the drive was a good thing, or maybe it just made everyone discontent. At least they had the possibility of something better. My discontentment came in the fact that I never would change. Perhaps that was part of the curse of our existence. To always want the next thing, but knowing, for us, it was never possible.

Suddenly, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask. "Will you tell me something?" I looked down at her and smiled slightly.

"Don't I always?"

"Just promise you'll tell me," I said insistently, my smile widening.

"Fine," she said in resignation.

"You seemed honestly surprised when you figured out that I was taking you here…"

"I was."

"Exactly, but you must have had some other theory… I'm curious: what did you think I was dressing you up for?"

She pursed her lips and her breathing hesitated. "I don't want to tell you."

"You promised."

"I know."

"What's the problem?"

"I think it will make you mad - or sad," she said quietly.

Be that as it may, I needed to know what she was thinking more than I needed anything on this earth. "I still want to know. Please?"

She sighed, and I knew that she would tell me. She just needed to order her words. I waited.

"Well… I assumed it was some kind of… occasion. But I didn't think it would be some trite, human thing… prom!" She scoffed on the last word, looking irritable again.

"Human?" I asked. What sort of inhuman occasion would I take her to? I wondered what she'd imagined. It was ridiculous how mortals glorified our lives as if we were just happily living forever.

"Okay," she finally said in a rush. "So I was hoping that you might have changed your mind… that you were going to change me, after all."

I didn't know what to think. My mind moved from anger to pain to indignation to embarrassment. How could she think I would be so selfish? Didn't she understand how I loved her at all? Imagine dressing up for such a gruesome occasion, black funeral attire would be more accurate. She didn't know that my eyes would show the evidence of her transformation just as much as her eyes would change. What would her father think of her disappearance - let alone the tribe since they'd 'be watching' her. I didn't know how to answer her but managed to control my outrage and think of the humor of the situation instead.

"You thought that would be a black tie occasion, did you?" I teased and fingered the lapel of my tux.

She scowled at me and blushed. "I don't know how these things work. To me, at least, it seemed more rational than prom does." I was still grinning, thinking of the ludicrousness of how she viewed prom and her skewed image of vampirism. "It's not funny," she said.

"No, you're right, it's not." My smile slid from my face. "I'd rather treat it like a joke, though, than believe you're serious."

"But I am serious."

I sighed deeply. "I know. And you're really that willing?" She bit her lip and nodded, and that gesture, her biting her lip, always something that she did when she was anxious hurt me more than anything. Even if that obvious apprehension wasn't evident in her face right now, I was afraid that she would blame me for eternity for taking her soul. I couldn't stand that thought, the pain of her rejection when she found out what my damned existence was truly like.

"So ready for this to be the end," I said almost to myself, "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything."

"It's not the end. It's the beginning," she said under her breath.

Her reactions were always backwards.

I stared for a moment at the orchids that I'd pinned to her hair. They had no scent, at least not one that a human could detect, the intricacies of the blossom were enough to draw insects and people to them. They often grew in the most unlikely of places, some even blossomed underground, so fascinating, so secretive. I couldn't help but relate the delicate blossom with Bella herself. It meant 'beauty' just as her name did, and even if Bella's scent hadn't drawn me to herself, I knew that I would have come to her all the same. Just as the orchid's intricacies fascinated an observer without any scent at all, Bella would have drawn me to herself in the same way.

But I was painfully aware of her scent, of my reaction to that scent, of who I am.

"I'm not worth it," I said. How I wished I were, but even if I could be worthy of her giving everything up to be with me, I loved her too much to allow it. How could I say I truly loved her if I wanted her any different than how she was right now? Why couldn't she see that I refused to turn her because I loved her too much to be that selfish?

"Do you remember when you told me that I didn't see myself very clearly?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "You obviously have the same blindness."

"I know what I am," I said quietly. She deserved so much more. Even though I wished for her understanding, I was glad in a way that she couldn't understand the wars that I constantly fought with myself, but just because she couldn't understand them didn't mean they weren't there.

Bella sighed, and I suddenly wanted to get this conversation over with.

I wanted to call her bluff. She couldn't truly be ready to be poisoned with this internal war, and I would find out.

"You're ready now, then?" I asked probing her face for a sign that she would back down.

"Um." She gulped. "Yes?"

I smiled, sensing in her reaction that she would tell me to stop and slowly bent my head down so that my lips brushed against the soft skin under her jaw. Her pulse sped and the warmth of her blood just under her skin seemed to call even more strongly to me.

"Right now?" I said, whispering into her neck. She shivered as my breath washed over her.

Her breathing was erratic, and she was rigid in my arms; her hands were tightly clenched into small fists, but she said, "Yes," and her whispered answer had left the question mark behind.

I leaned closer to her neck, brushing my lips across her throat.

She didn't move away from me or say anything else. She wasn't giving up.

I chuckled without humor as I leaned away from her, disappointed that she still was so set in this decision. "You can't really believe that I would give in so easily," I said mockingly.

"A girl can dream." Her voice sounded wistful.

"Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?" I attempted to keep the outrage out of my voice, raising my eyebrows in concern again at her mental health.

"Not exactly," she said, frowning at me. "Mostly I dream about being with you forever."

My incredulity disappeared as I heard her words. The ache in her voice felt like my own ache. Sadness washed over me again.

I wanted to give her everything, I wanted to lasso the moon if she desired it, but I couldn't do something so wrong. I couldn't think of a blacker sin that condemning this innocent human to a soulless life.

"Bella," I said gently, lightly tracing her lips with my little finger. "I will stay with you-isn't that enough?"

She smiled slightly as I continued to trace her lips. "Enough for now."

I frowned. Would I never convince her that what we had didn't need any alteration? I exhaled, almost growling as I pushed my frustration away. No one would surrender tonight.

She put her hand on my face. "Look," she said earnestly. "I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"

"Yes, it is enough," I said, smiling at her declaration. Each time I heard her say she loved me it felt the same as the first time I'd heard it. "Enough for forever," I said, confirming the truth.

I leaned closer to her, moving my finger tips from her lips, tracing down her jaw, neck and across her shoulder. Then I pressed my lips once again to her throat.