a spiritually-based intervention model for therapists and ... · marital spirituality a means by...
TRANSCRIPT
Kenneth Flanagan, Ph.D., LICSW
Associate Professor
University of North Dakota
Department of Social Work
A Spiritually-based Intervention Model for Therapists and Pastoral Counselors
working with Couples
Presentation Outline
Overview
Marriage Today: Current Trends
Marriage Today: Opportunities
The Church Experience
The Trinity
Model & Application
Discussion & Dialogue
OVERVIEW
MARRIAGE TODAY: TRENDS
Current Trends…
Half of Americans ages 18 and older were married in 2017, a share that has remained relatively stable in recent years but is down 8 percentage pointssince 1990. One factor driving this change is that Americans are staying single longer. The median age at first marriage had reached its highest point on record: 30 years for men and 28 years for women in 2018, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Today an unprecedented portion of
millennials will remain unmarried through
age 40, a recent Urban Institute report
predicted. The marriage rate might drop
to 70 percent -- a figure well below rates
for boomers (91 percent), late boomers
(87 percent) and Gen Xers (82 percent).
Love tops the list of Americans’
reasons to marry. About nine-in-ten
Americans (88%) cited love as a very
important reason to get married, ahead of
making a lifelong commitment (81%) and
companionship (76%), only (30%) believe it
is important to have their relationship
recognized in a religious ceremony.
Remarriage is on the rise. In 2013, 23%
of married people had been married before,
compared with just 13% in 1960. Four-in-
ten new marriages in 2013 included a
spouse who had said “I do” (at least) once
before, and in 20% of new marriages both
spouses had been married at least once
before.
Sizable minorities of married people are members of a different religious group than their partner, but marriages and partnerships across political party lines are relatively rare. About four-in-ten Americans who have married since 2010 (39%) have a spouse who is in a different religious group, compared with only 19% of those who wed before 1960, according to a 2014 Pew Research Center survey. Many of these interfaith marriages are between Christians and those who are religiously unaffiliated.
The number of U.S. adults cohabiting with a partner is on the rise. In addition to the half of U.S. adults who were married, 7% were cohabiting in 2016. The number of Americans living with an unmarried partner reached about 18 million in 2016, up 29% since 2007. Roughly half of cohabiters are younger than 35 – but cohabitation is rising most quickly among Americans ages 50 and older.
Income & Education Differentials
In contrast to the patterns of the past,
when adults in all socio-economic groups
married at roughly the same rate, marriage
today is more prevalent among those with
higher incomes and more education
Pew Research Center
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/02/13/8-facts-about-love-and-marriage/
Marriage Today: Challenges
Relational-Identity
Balancing Work and Relationships
Impact of Divorce and other relational
factors that impact views on commitment
Core Issue
A core issue in our society is the issue of
commitment
Challenges & opportunities exist with
encouraging life-long commitment
MARRIAGE TODAY: OPPORTUNITIES
Opportunity-Spirituality & Marriage
Key question- “why marry”
Needing to discover deeper meanings for
our relationships
As there is movement from a functional
approach to a more relational and
emotional focus to marriage, a deeper
meaning for marriage can be found in the
area of spirituality
What is spirituality
Is in essence a way of life, a way we take
our experiences and put them in
perspective
Rooted in some notion of relationship
“I am spiritual but not religious” feeds this
notion of spirituality being individualistic
rather than communal
Marital Spirituality
A means by which the couple experiences a relationship with God as a couple, rather than solely as an individual
The marriage is viewed as a vehicle for revelation and the discovery of God’s will for our life together
The marital relationship also becomes the vehicle through which the spiritual life grows and develops eventually leads to the Kingdom.
Marriage become transformational
What it provides…
An anchor for our relationship with God
and one’s spouse
A foundation for a deeper understanding
of the purpose and meaning of the
marriage
Allows coping with disillusionment
THE CHURCH EXPERIENCE
Most models or visions of spirituality are
based upon the celibate experience and
are then adjusted to fit the marital
experience
Emphasis is on detachment in order to
serve
Emerged as the preferred path to holiness
Vatican II & Beyond
St. John Paul II
Familiaris Consortio – The Family in the
Modern World
Letter to Families 1994
Pope Francis
Amoris Laetitia – The Joy of Love
Moving toward Trinity…
Those called to marriage are called to
accept a model to pattern their life upon
entering into a couple spirituality, this
model is the life of the Trinity.
For those called to marriage, the
commitment to Jesus becomes the
gateway to the life of the Trinity
THE TRINITY
Marriage has been referred to as the “icon
of the Trinity”
Trinity is about relationship and can provide
the framework for couple relationship and
spirituality
Can also provide a framework for
professional work with couples
“God is Trinity. The human family is, in a certain sense, the icon of the Trinity because of the love between its members and the fruitfulness of that love” Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI
“through the family, husband and wife- and any children God gives them- are a living image or icon of the Mystery of the Most Holy Trinity”…Bishop Thomas Olmsted
Trinitarian Relationships
Growing in Unity
Being Life – Giving
The Icon…
The hospitality of Abraham, the three
angels visit Abraham
Depicts equality, all have power as
symbolized with all having a staff
We are invited to the table
MODEL & APPLICATION
PERMANENCE/STABILITY
Trinitarian Characteristic
Assessment
Length of relationship/current concerns
History of the relationship (positive vs. negative perception)
Personal views of relational commitment
Level of personal commitment (scale 1 to 10)
Spiritual life of the individuals
Personal commitment to Jesus and faith community
What is the vision for the marriage (expectations)
When/how did the couple become aware that they were to marry?
Risk Factors
Family of origin issues
Previous relational experiences (length, intensity,
issues)
Previous relational splits
Parental relationships
Lack of vision for the marriage
Lack of faith commitment
Skills/Spiritual Tasks
Skills
Relationship/attachment formation
Visioning
Spiritual Tasks
Cultivation of a sense of couple spirituality
Understanding of covenantal relationship
Review of individual spiritual life and commitment
Detect/discuss faith differences
Evaluative Questions…
How secure do I feel in this relationship?
How committed am I to this relationship?
SELF-REVELATION
Trinitarian Characteristic
Assessment
Past/present communication patterns
Roles (initiator/avoider)
Time issues
Pattern of resolving conflicts/previous attempts to
resolve conflict (process & outcome)
Communication pattern
Anger management
“hot button” issues
Risk Factors
Pattern of withdrawal and invalidation
Tense problem solving pattern
High degree of criticism
Patterns of domestic violence
Skills
Communication
Problem solving
Conflict management
Anger management
Forgiveness
Spiritual Tasks
Develop pattern of shared prayer and faith sharing
Establish spiritual routines and disciplines
Discuss coping with spiritual crisis and dark night of the
soul
Evaluative Question…
Where are we in terms of our communication in our
relationship?
MUTUALITY
Trinitarian Characteristic
Assessment
Pattern of decision-making
Time sharing patterns
Importance of control to the individual
Sharing of leisure/social interests
Mutual friends
Sense of partnership
Ability to forgive and move beyond
Risk Factors
Increased distancing
Dominance issues
Family of origin: pattern of mutuality between parents
Isolation
Lack of shared interests/friends
Difficulty or inability to let go
Skills
Leisure development
Time/stress management
Forgiveness
Attitude of gratitude
Spiritual Tasks
Resolution of the Dark Night of the Soul
Refocus of relationship on the spirituality of the couple
in light of emerging/new roles
Processing of relational and spiritual experiences and
growth
Living with increased trust in the relationship and the
Trinity
Development of communio
Evaluative Questions…
Do we have a relationship which reflects mutuality: a
sense of partnership?
What do we need to forgive and let go of in order to
move forward in our relationship?
OTHER
DIRECTEDNESS/SERVICE
Trinitarian Characteristic
Assessment
Able to recognize a broader definition/vision of family
Movement towards a renewed sense of life mission
beyond previous concerns
Balancing act
Involvement with the larger community
Risk Factors
Isolation/closing in
Either or orientation to relationships & life
Self-centeredness
Skills/Spiritual Tasks
Skills Transitioning
Balancing of responsibilities
Spiritual Tasks
Development of a couple theology of service
Discern ways to serve
Prepare for eternity
Prepare for possible separation from spouse
Evaluative Questions…
Where are we with regards to service to others?
What are our current responsibilities towards family?
DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE
Making it happen…
Evangelization & Conversion at the
individual level
Promote a Trinitarian-based orientation
and approach to marital relationships
Respect and work with the personal as
theological
Questions…
Contact…
Kenneth Flanagan