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’To be a writer requires the wasting ofpaper to be a doctor requires thesacrificing of lives.’-Su Shih (1036-1101)

Advice from a seasonedcongress touristThe following pamphlet was recently sent to :me by a colleague. I thought it appropriate to share the contents with your readers, as a :warning example of academic depravity. :"Summer! Meeting time! Your flight is :

booked, and your travel agent informedthat you want to extend your stay to themaximum tax-deductible period. By theway, have you asked for a bulkhead seat? Awritten diagnosis of thrombophlebitisalways helps, and this foresight may berewarded by a free upgrade to businessclass. Did you order the spare batteries for

your notebook computer? Don’t believe thesecurity personnel at the airport X-raymachines, your computer definitely will beharmed. Insist on a manual inspection.They will demand you demonstrate how it :works; this will give you an excellent

opportunity to impress putative fellow-travellers with the importance of thescientific data stored on your machine.

In-flight literature: none-don’t forgetthat you have to type on your computer.Always request headphones; they are aheaven-sent device against unwanted con-versation. :Be sure to spot a fellow scientist on

arrival; a shared taxi ride provides companyand is easier on the budget. Always check inearly at the congress site, when gimmickdispensers are still full. If you want to spotimportant contacts in the lobby, do so onlywhile scientific sessions are in progress; the

really important players never attend themexcept when asked to chair. At those

occasions, make sure to be in a row at levelwith their eyes. Nod frequently. Leaveafternoon sessions as soon as possible andtake a long nap: you will need all the energyyou can muster for the evening socialevents. Don’t waste your time with fellowattendants who can be clearly identified asgraduate students. When talking, conti-

nuously scan the room for possible othercontacts; only very old-fashioned conversa-tion partners will find this behaviour un-courteous. Keep down the weight of yourluggage by discarding the Abstract bookand program as soon as possible, you willnever read it anyway. Stop! First rip out thepage with your abstract and possibly theprogram page that lists your presentation-the tax people may need proof. :Beg pardon? You feel depressed? Ex-

hausted ? Nobody recognised you? Nobody(apart from the ubiquitous eager studentsor foreign scientists who want to practisetheir English) come to your poster? Theonly person you talked to in that ghastly,scabby reception room was the bartender?No hot water for your much-needed

shower? Rebuild your shattered confi-dence : write postcards to your toiling

colleagues at home, complaining about theconstant sunshine and the organising com-mittee which had given you a far too smalllecture hall for the crowd that listened to

your talk. Knock’em dead! And don’t

forget the sweets for the DepartmentSecretary." :Gerald Zernig Ann Arbor, USA

Back number

"Wait here a moment, please, Guv’nor". : The attendant took my particulars andgave me a seat in a steel and frosted glasspartitioned area. He went off with his

clip-board, and for a few minutes I couldhear heavy objects being humped about,the sounds of a certain amount of inconve-

nience, a summer afternoon’s routine inter-rupted ; and then the squeaking approach ofa trolley; slow, steady, though with a bumpinto something en route, and a certainamount of reversing.

Resurrectionists D Steinberg) :

The back streets of Kentish Town. Theindustrial end, of course, behind the HighStreet, not the smarter bit. This was justwhere a place like this would be, trackeddown by K, with that special agent’sresourcefulness when in a corner; unfortu-nate that her capacity for ingenuity hadn’tbeen more timely. :

"This it, Squire?" :Is Squire up a notch from Guv’nor?

Indeed not, but it was an ever-so-slightshift, from formal transaction to just atouch of empathy. :The trolley was low-slung, but it felt

proper to do the necessary from a standingposition. The cover was pulled back. :

"This the one?" :

"That’s it." :Remaindered. This is where they come

when they-you-are remaindered. Theatmosphere now shifted somewhat fromthe Morgue to the Dealers. Ever so slightlyshady."How many do you want Guv?" Guv

now, you see?

"How much are they?"-the proper

response.I followed the trolley along the pavement

to where my car was parked, the porternegotiating the cracks despite an obviouslystrained back. My feelings now had some-thing of the discrete triumph of the success-ful transmogrifier, something also of a

joyful reunion in the Dogs’ Home.Remaindered indeed! They would now besold, or at least distributed, with a vigourand rigour beyond the capabilities of theidle publisher. Well-reviewed, in TheLancet too, still sought-after twelve yearslater, yet consigned in a trice to the netherregions of the Book Trade, the Remainder-ers ; yet not irredeemably so. Bring back theResurrectionists!

Derek Steinberg Ticehurst, UK

Healing cactusOne of the most delightful patients is aretired actress, who was told by NoelCoward himself that only cowardianactresses could play his roles and that shewas one of them. Quite out of the blue, lastChristmas, I had a distress call: "Darling,do visit me this afternoon, I have thisdreadful itchy rash, and I must have

something to sort it out..." She had avery severe weeping eczema affecting thehands and I provided various strong creamsto bring it all under control. I then didwhat any sensible single-handed GP woulddo in early January, and took a few daysoff.On my return, I was slightly disappoin-

ted to receive a letter from a retired local

dermatologist, describing how, not wishingto be seen by my locum, she had consultedhim.His opinion was that her rash had the

definitive appearance of an allergy onewould expect from the handling of a certaintype of plant, in this case a primula. Well,he is the expert in this matter, so honourwas preserved.When I rang the patient to make amends

for failing to have identified something soobvious, she rebuked me for beingapologetic, and said: "He was the mostdelightful man, darling. So very helpful-my hands are so much better now ...". Itold her how enchanted he had been withher and read out his PS: "I was so pleased tomeet this charming lady, and so sympathe-tic to her concern at having to relegate herfriend’s gift to the dust-bin, that I decidedto make a present of one of my own plants toher in recompense". I asked her what kindof plant he gave her: "A baby cactus, mydear! Such a darling man!"W I C Clark Winslow, UK