a spiritually-based intervention model for therapists and ... · marital spirituality a means by...

Kenneth Flanagan, Ph.D., LICSW

Associate Professor

University of North Dakota

Department of Social Work

A Spiritually-based Intervention Model for Therapists and Pastoral Counselors

working with Couples

Presentation Outline

Overview

Marriage Today: Current Trends

Marriage Today: Opportunities

The Church Experience

The Trinity

Model & Application

Discussion & Dialogue

OVERVIEW

MARRIAGE TODAY: TRENDS

Current Trends…

Half of Americans ages 18 and older were married in 2017, a share that has remained relatively stable in recent years but is down 8 percentage pointssince 1990. One factor driving this change is that Americans are staying single longer. The median age at first marriage had reached its highest point on record: 30 years for men and 28 years for women in 2018, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

Today an unprecedented portion of

millennials will remain unmarried through

age 40, a recent Urban Institute report

predicted. The marriage rate might drop

to 70 percent -- a figure well below rates

for boomers (91 percent), late boomers

(87 percent) and Gen Xers (82 percent).

Love tops the list of Americans’

reasons to marry. About nine-in-ten

Americans (88%) cited love as a very

important reason to get married, ahead of

making a lifelong commitment (81%) and

companionship (76%), only (30%) believe it

is important to have their relationship

recognized in a religious ceremony.

Remarriage is on the rise. In 2013, 23%

of married people had been married before,

compared with just 13% in 1960. Four-in-

ten new marriages in 2013 included a

spouse who had said “I do” (at least) once

before, and in 20% of new marriages both

spouses had been married at least once

before.

Sizable minorities of married people are members of a different religious group than their partner, but marriages and partnerships across political party lines are relatively rare. About four-in-ten Americans who have married since 2010 (39%) have a spouse who is in a different religious group, compared with only 19% of those who wed before 1960, according to a 2014 Pew Research Center survey. Many of these interfaith marriages are between Christians and those who are religiously unaffiliated.

The number of U.S. adults cohabiting with a partner is on the rise. In addition to the half of U.S. adults who were married, 7% were cohabiting in 2016. The number of Americans living with an unmarried partner reached about 18 million in 2016, up 29% since 2007. Roughly half of cohabiters are younger than 35 – but cohabitation is rising most quickly among Americans ages 50 and older.

Income & Education Differentials

In contrast to the patterns of the past,

when adults in all socio-economic groups

married at roughly the same rate, marriage

today is more prevalent among those with

higher incomes and more education

Pew Research Center

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/02/13/8-facts-about-love-and-marriage/

Marriage Today: Challenges

Relational-Identity

Balancing Work and Relationships

Impact of Divorce and other relational

factors that impact views on commitment

Core Issue

A core issue in our society is the issue of

commitment

Challenges & opportunities exist with

encouraging life-long commitment

MARRIAGE TODAY: OPPORTUNITIES

Opportunity-Spirituality & Marriage

Key question- “why marry”

Needing to discover deeper meanings for

our relationships

As there is movement from a functional

approach to a more relational and

emotional focus to marriage, a deeper

meaning for marriage can be found in the

area of spirituality

What is spirituality

Is in essence a way of life, a way we take

our experiences and put them in

perspective

Rooted in some notion of relationship

“I am spiritual but not religious” feeds this

notion of spirituality being individualistic

rather than communal

Marital Spirituality

A means by which the couple experiences a relationship with God as a couple, rather than solely as an individual

The marriage is viewed as a vehicle for revelation and the discovery of God’s will for our life together

The marital relationship also becomes the vehicle through which the spiritual life grows and develops eventually leads to the Kingdom.

Marriage become transformational

What it provides…

An anchor for our relationship with God

and one’s spouse

A foundation for a deeper understanding

of the purpose and meaning of the

marriage

Allows coping with disillusionment

THE CHURCH EXPERIENCE

Most models or visions of spirituality are

based upon the celibate experience and

are then adjusted to fit the marital

experience

Emphasis is on detachment in order to

serve

Emerged as the preferred path to holiness

Vatican II & Beyond

St. John Paul II

Familiaris Consortio – The Family in the

Modern World

Letter to Families 1994

Pope Francis

Amoris Laetitia – The Joy of Love

Moving toward Trinity…

Those called to marriage are called to

accept a model to pattern their life upon

entering into a couple spirituality, this

model is the life of the Trinity.

For those called to marriage, the

commitment to Jesus becomes the

gateway to the life of the Trinity

THE TRINITY

Marriage has been referred to as the “icon

of the Trinity”

Trinity is about relationship and can provide

the framework for couple relationship and

spirituality

Can also provide a framework for

professional work with couples

“God is Trinity. The human family is, in a certain sense, the icon of the Trinity because of the love between its members and the fruitfulness of that love” Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI

“through the family, husband and wife- and any children God gives them- are a living image or icon of the Mystery of the Most Holy Trinity”…Bishop Thomas Olmsted

Trinitarian Relationships

Growing in Unity

Being Life – Giving

The Icon…

The hospitality of Abraham, the three

angels visit Abraham

Depicts equality, all have power as

symbolized with all having a staff

We are invited to the table

MODEL & APPLICATION

PERMANENCE/STABILITY

Trinitarian Characteristic

Assessment

Length of relationship/current concerns

History of the relationship (positive vs. negative perception)

Personal views of relational commitment

Level of personal commitment (scale 1 to 10)

Spiritual life of the individuals

Personal commitment to Jesus and faith community

What is the vision for the marriage (expectations)

When/how did the couple become aware that they were to marry?

Risk Factors

Family of origin issues

Previous relational experiences (length, intensity,

issues)

Previous relational splits

Parental relationships

Lack of vision for the marriage

Lack of faith commitment

Skills/Spiritual Tasks

Skills

Relationship/attachment formation

Visioning

Spiritual Tasks

Cultivation of a sense of couple spirituality

Understanding of covenantal relationship

Review of individual spiritual life and commitment

Detect/discuss faith differences

Evaluative Questions…

How secure do I feel in this relationship?

How committed am I to this relationship?

SELF-REVELATION

Trinitarian Characteristic

Assessment

Past/present communication patterns

Roles (initiator/avoider)

Time issues

Pattern of resolving conflicts/previous attempts to

resolve conflict (process & outcome)

Communication pattern

Anger management

“hot button” issues

Risk Factors

Pattern of withdrawal and invalidation

Tense problem solving pattern

High degree of criticism

Patterns of domestic violence

Skills

Communication

Problem solving

Conflict management

Anger management

Forgiveness

Spiritual Tasks

Develop pattern of shared prayer and faith sharing

Establish spiritual routines and disciplines

Discuss coping with spiritual crisis and dark night of the

soul

Evaluative Question…

Where are we in terms of our communication in our

relationship?

MUTUALITY

Trinitarian Characteristic

Assessment

Pattern of decision-making

Time sharing patterns

Importance of control to the individual

Sharing of leisure/social interests

Mutual friends

Sense of partnership

Ability to forgive and move beyond

Risk Factors

Increased distancing

Dominance issues

Family of origin: pattern of mutuality between parents

Isolation

Lack of shared interests/friends

Difficulty or inability to let go

Skills

Leisure development

Time/stress management

Forgiveness

Attitude of gratitude

Spiritual Tasks

Resolution of the Dark Night of the Soul

Refocus of relationship on the spirituality of the couple

in light of emerging/new roles

Processing of relational and spiritual experiences and

growth

Living with increased trust in the relationship and the

Trinity

Development of communio

Evaluative Questions…

Do we have a relationship which reflects mutuality: a

sense of partnership?

What do we need to forgive and let go of in order to

move forward in our relationship?

OTHER

DIRECTEDNESS/SERVICE

Trinitarian Characteristic

Assessment

Able to recognize a broader definition/vision of family

Movement towards a renewed sense of life mission

beyond previous concerns

Balancing act

Involvement with the larger community

Risk Factors

Isolation/closing in

Either or orientation to relationships & life

Self-centeredness

Skills/Spiritual Tasks

Skills Transitioning

Balancing of responsibilities

Spiritual Tasks

Development of a couple theology of service

Discern ways to serve

Prepare for eternity

Prepare for possible separation from spouse

Evaluative Questions…

Where are we with regards to service to others?

What are our current responsibilities towards family?

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE

Making it happen…

Evangelization & Conversion at the

individual level

Promote a Trinitarian-based orientation

and approach to marital relationships

Respect and work with the personal as

theological

Questions…

Contact…

Kenneth Flanagan

kenneth.Flanagan@und.edu

kmfsfo@yahoo.com