behavior part ii

BehaviorPart II

Kolby Kail, M.S., CCC-SLP, COM

Behavior

Capability

Opportunity

Motivation

Capability

the know how and physical ability

Opportunity

Weather Safety

Environment Social environment

Motivation

WANT!

Decision making

Reflection, choosing something different next time

Automatic activating or inhibiting responses

Automatic activating or inhibiting responses These responses are

what affects our drive, emotions, and habits

Most of our behavior is automatic

What are you automatically responding to?

01What is that automatic response? (threats, anger, negotiating, guilt, bribing, giving in)

02Is your response changing your child’s future behaviors? Even a little??

03What CAN be shifted, changed, adjusted?

04

Activity Time!~ but first, a story.

What do Parents Want for Their Children

health

happiness

opportunity to be themselves

What are my concerns?

I’m concerned when my child or children:

• don’t follow directions

• ignore

• hit, spit, throw things

• whine, use baby talk

• have negative self talk

• respect adults

• don’t follow through

• aren’t making progress in reading, writing, math, etc.

• have speech and language concerns

• difficulty with hygiene (cavities, B.O., dirty, hair smells, misaligned teeth, bad breath)

• aren’t motivated

• self-esteem

What are my wishes?

My wish for my child is:

• close friends

• to be loving toward members of our family

• to have a well abled body

• school to be easy

• speech to be clear

• not get frustrated so easily

• to have a larger toolbox for social

situations

• to WANT, to have drive

• decrease ADHD symptoms

• get a well-paying job

• follow through on what they say

• understand I am here to guide them to be the best versions of themselves

What am I willing to do?

For my child I am willing to:

• set boundaries

• set aside time for only them

• see my own areas that need growth

• model how much I love myself

• get him/her a coach or mentor

• get myself a coach or mentor

• stop yelling all the time

• try something new

• hear their points and respect their perspective

• find humor and help everyone laugh daily

• modify the way I spend money

• respect my partner

• have healthy arguments

• get control over my own emotions

• set goals and achieve them!!!

THINGS I SAY(from last month)

1. Asked and Answered

2. Please give YES’s if you would like to hear YES?

3. Never ask questions when you’re not really asking?

4. Next time it comes with consequences.

5. I love you too much to let you……

Yes, there are times these

come with MOM VOICE.

Using MOM VOICE

Mom voice – a loud, assertive voice.

(Sure, you can yell!)

HOWEVER!!

You MUST be in control over YOU!

”Do you want to talk to me WITH THIS VOICE. WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR DIRECTIONS GIVEN

WITH THIS VOICE AND CONSEQUENCES or with this voice with you getting XYZ done. Your

choice?”

Repeating the directions to a child on what is expected will barely change the behavior

• 20% change their behavior and do what is expected.

How you present the information MATTERS!

The truth about “Don’t!”, “No!”, “Stop!”

• You are giving them the idea to do it! The likelihood of them doing what you’ve asked

them not to do has increased.

• Don’t think of a hamburger.

• No running!!

• Psychologically there is something called reactance.

• a type of mechanism where our brain wants to ensure that we’re free to do whatever it is that we want to do with

our own lives.

TRY SAYING WHAT THEY “CAN”

DO

Say: “I am curious what you THINK. What do you think would be the best way to do this?”

• involving kids in the processes of how THEY are to complete THEIR responsibilities reinforces why this should be a behavior important for them to do often

Responsibilities vs. Chores

• Responsibilities

• things my children can do without me or with minimal teaching episodes

• Chores

• things I will be doing regardless if the kids help me or not

Responsibilities

• brushing hair

• brushing teeth

• making bed

• picking up bedroom

• tidying up play/hangout space

Do these in a routine while teaching each step within each task.

Chores

• emptying dishwasher

• loading washer

• getting groceries out of car

• putting away the groceries

• wiping down counters, tables, and chairs

• take out garbage and put a new bag in can

They get paid for helping with chores!

Attitudes follow behavior!

they do not predict it!

Setting Behavioral

Expectations WORKS!

Don’t change attitudes SET expectations!!

“I understand this is hard. But the Kail’s do hard things.”

Attitudes form directly as a result of experience.

Setting Expectations

FIRST - Scope of Work• What is the entire task?

• DO NOT accept head nodding as they understand what you want!!!

• Demonstrate the entire task from start to finish.

• Video yourself doing this allowing YOUR CHILDREN to watch the video if they “forget”

how to do the task.

• Tell them what works and what doesn’t, what you already know and don’t know.

SECOND –How is it

measured?

Put a metric on the task.

“Brushing your teeth takes two minutes, washing your face 3 minutes, and

putting on sunscreen about 2 minutes. Do you think this can be done in 10 minutes? Me too. The timer is set.”

OR

Make a check-list.

“Here are all the things that make up a great paragraph. When your finished

bring me the paragraph and list completed.”

the better you become at demonstrating and explaining your expectations the easier

they will be to implement

❑Capitals

❑Punctuation

❑Re-read sentence to make sure it makes sense.

❑Nouns are capitalized: people and places

❑No capitals in the middle of sentences.

❑Spelling: try dictionary first

CHECK

❑Eat

❑Brush Teeth

❑Get Dressed

❑Dirty Clothes in

Laundry

❑PJ’s put away

❑Wash Face

❑Sunscreen

❑Hair

❑Shoes and Socks

❑Lunch and Water in

Backpack

Don’t just talk the talk,walk the walk!!

Your attitude matters!

Don’t complain! When doing the dishes, going grocery shopping, or watering the plants. Set the tone – lead your family.

How is your attitude while TEACHING the task?

• remember behaviors are learned – attitudes are formed while that is be learned. If you want them to do the behavior – make them love the way the behavior makes them, feel.

• talk out loud – let your kids hear your inner voice. “I don’t feel like doing this, but I’ll be done in no time and a clean kitchen makes me feel great!”

What Pumps Up Your Motivation

music

dancing

jumping

laughing

other motivating people

smiling

GIVE GRACE

• Who are we? What does our own behavior teach us?

• When you're at work or volunteering do you yell at co-workers, put things away, and complete your works to-do list?

• At home, do you yell at family members, put things away, and complete all your, your kids, and your spouse's to-do lists?

• WHY! – because we are at home. Our safe place. We know there is deep love there, even if we yell and don’t consistently follow through. True?

Say What You See

I see your laying on the bed when you haven’t cleaned your room.

I don’t want to clean my room.

The ”items” on the floor will get stepped on, kicked, or tripped over. They will be broken - get holes in them – if they’re left on the floor.

I don’t care.

I see, the “items” on the floor are trash?

Yes. I guess so. Sure.

I see, I’ll get the trash bag! (Now, let’s chat if your kids don’t care the items are being put in the trash.)

Say What You See

Tell What They ”Can”

Do

“Take a deep

breath, we will find a solution.”

What do I want for my kids?

if I had my child to raise over

again~Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise over again:

I build self esteem 1st and the house later

I'd finger paint more and point the finger less

I would do less correcting and more connecting

I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes

I would care to know less and no to care more

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites

I'd stop playing serious and seriously play

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars

I'd do more hugging and less tugging

I'd see the Oak tree in the acorn more often

I would be firm less often and affirm much more

I'd model less about the love of power

And more about the power of love

Thank you for coming and putting your kids first!!

Kolby Kail M.S. CCC-SLP, COM

www.KolbyKailSpeechTherapy.com

760-2743574

https://www.facebook.com/kolbykailspeechtherapy

IG - @kolbykaill