how to coach employees with compassion (part 1)

Coaching with CompassionTeleos Leadership Institute

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Rypple Leadership Series

Your Host

Nick SteinDirector of Content & Media

Rypple

@stein_nick

Our Guests

Suzanne Rotondo & Gretchen SchmelzerExecutive Director & Senior Consultant

Teleos Leadership Inst i tute

Coaching with Rypple

Rypple Leadership Series

Your Host

Nick SteinDirector of Content & Media

Rypple

@stein_nick

Our Guests

Suzanne Rotondo & Gretchen SchmelzerExecutive Director & Senior Consultant

Teleos Leadership Inst i tute

Polling

Where in the world are you?

How many people do you manage?

Have you ever had a good coaching manager?

To get the most out of today’s webinar

• Be here.• Be open.• Have a notebook and a pen to write.• Be willing to commit to action.

About Teleos Leadership Institute

Teleos is the team behind New York Times bestselling business

books and numerous articles on leadership in Harvard Business

Review.

•Founded in 2001 by scholar/practitioners in leadership. We emphasize mindfulness, hope and compassion as key to success.

•We are executive coaches and also train and supervise other executive coaches, both one on one and inside large organizations that want to have a coaching culture.

•Based on research in neuropsychology, group dynamics, emotional intelligence, organizational development, and more.

•Based in Philadelphia, USA. Teleos works in many fields: UNDP, Unisys, Google, US Steel, UniCreditBanc, Prudential UK, Nature Conservancy

Coaching with Compassion Timeline

What we’ll cover today

• Mindset of a coaching manager• How people really change and develop• What exactly coaching managers do, and how they

do it • Why compassion matters: neuropsychology• Ask you to go through some of the exercises that

you can then take your direct reports through

• We’ll get specific with a process.

Mindset of a Coaching Manager

Invests their energy in another person to help them reach their desired potential—both personally and professionally.

Mindset of Coaching Manager

Beyond tracking performance and results, finds the highest and best points of intersection between the aspirations/goals of direct report(s) and what the organization needs.

What Does a Coaching Manager Do?

– Creates conditions for a person to maximize her/his performance and potential

– Helps a person move from her/his current situation to where s/he wants to be

– Behaves in ways that engender trust and trustworthiness: respectful, curious, timely, consistent, present, caring

A Coaching Manager is (not)…

WHO HELPED ME?

Think of the people who helped you the most in your life and career, the people about whom you would say, “Without this person, I would not be the person I am today.”

What did they say and do? How did you feel at the time? What did you learn from them?

What did they do?

• Saw true potential in you• Wanted what’s best for you and advocating for

it• Showed you valuable lessons about how to be

a leader and/or a person• Told you the truth, even when it was tough• Gave you opportunities• Believed in you

3 MYTHS ABOUT HOW PEOPLE TYPICALLY CHANGE

Myth #1: Information Is Enough

THE TRUTH:

Most of the time, when a person is not performing well, it’s NOT an

information problem.

Then what is it?

Information VS Growth

COGNITIVE Mind/Body/Heart/Spirit

People Don’t Learn on Their Own

• We are wired to learn through relationship

• We learn from watching others/self

• We learn from feedback

Neuropsychology: Mirror Neurons

• Lie next to motor neurons

• When we scenario plan or watch others, our brains fire as if we were doing the act

• We are wired for “co-experience” with others

• This is key to empathy and compassion

Myth #2: Emotions Don’t Matter

THE TRUTH:

Emotions are contagious, they affect our behavior constantly.

Resonance is contagious…so is dissonance

Neuropsychology: Emotions are contagious

• The brain has an “open loop” system

• We are “wired” to pick up subtle clues from one another

So why compassion?

• Our brains are wired for fight or flight.

• Our brains shut down from stress. Work and life can be stressful. So...cognition becomes impaired, we go myopic.

• Positive emotions prime the pump for information to be taken in.

• Compassion promotes expansiveness in the brain > change is now possible.

Myth #3: They didn’t change because they didn’t try hard enough

THE TRUTH:

Lasting change must be tied to desire, not “shoulds.”New habits take time and practice.

Neuropsychology: Neurogenesis

• In order to lay down new neural pathways, you need to repeat new behaviors.

• 100 x makes a habit or ninety days for new learning (10,000 hours makes an expert)

• People love change when it’s tied to something they want

Desire for Y x Practice of Y = New Behavior Y

Meeting One

Before Meeting:Mindset and preparation for meeting

During Meeting:• Establish trust, set the

emotional climate• Start the conversation:

What are my aspirations?

• Assignment: 3 Reflection Exercises

Step 1: Your Prep as a Coach

Step 2: Establish Trust, Set the Emotional Climate

THE CONVERSATION:

“Hi, I’ve been thinking about this meeting for a while, and have been looking forward to having some time with you. I want to talk to you about your aspirations for your work here and your ultimate goals—both professionally and personally.

Before our next meeting I’m going to ask you to do some reflections about what you really want. Let’s find some developmental goals that really excite you and find the best way to get there.”

“How does this sound to you?”

Prepare your Coachee for Conversation:

Three reflection exercises:–27 things–At My Best–Noble purpose

27 Things

List 27 things you want to do before you die on a piece of paper

• What seems to be most important to you?

• What values are driving your choices?

At My Best

• Describe a time at work when you were firing on all cylinders.

• What did you do? How did you feel? What did you contribute or accomplish?

• What were the circumstances that helped make this possible?

My Noble Purpose

•If I could accomplish one thing in my life, it would be…

• If I could make an important contribution to my work, it would be…

•Something I wish I could change in my work is…

• If I had the power to make any change at all in the world, it would be...

My noble purpose is...

Meeting Two: Follow–up Conversation

Meeting Two: Use Scaffolding

• Listening• paraphrasing • Restating• Inquiry

“So, here’s what it sounds like is really important to you over the medium and long term. Did I get that right?”

THE CONVERSATION:

“Now, you’ve done some reflections. How did that go for you?What did you think about or discover?”

Remember: Power of leader, your whisper is a scream

Inquiry

• Open-ended and clarifying questions (here are some examples) – Help me understand that? – What do you mean by that? – Can you tell me more about that?– “Is there anything else you want me to understand

about that?”

Step 3 closing: Prep for Next Meeting

THE CONVERSATION: CLOSING

“I really appreciated this time with you, it was really interesting to learn about what you want out of work and your life. I’m looking forward to seeing how to help you make this happen.

For our next meeting, the next step is getting a sense of how things are going today—what’s working. Your task before the next meeting is to reflect on the strengths that you bring to your role and the ones that maybe you have that you don’t get to share here.”

Summary

Change IS A PROCESS, it takes time

.

Coaching with Compassion Timeline

Upcoming Rypple Webinars

Lead with Purpose

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

John Baldoni Baldoni Consulting LLC

Teleos Coaching Series Part 2

Tuesday, Novembers 29, 2011

Suzanne Rotondo Teleos Leadership Institute

Q & A

Contact Us

www.teleosleaders.com

srotondo@teleosleaders.com

gschmelzer@teleosleader.com

Teleos Leadership Institute7837 Old York RoadElkins Park, PA 19027267.620.9999

ReferencesBoyatzis, R. & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting With Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion. Boston: Harvard Business School Press.

Boyatsis, R., Mckee, A., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a Resonant Leader. Boston: Harvard Business School Press.

Boyatzis, R. E., Jack, A., Cesaro, R., Passarelli, A. & Khawaja, M. (2010). Coaching with Compassion: An fMRI Study of Coaching to the Positive or Negative Emotional Attractor. Presented at the Annual Meeting of the Academy of Management, Montreal.

Boyatzis, R.E., Passarelli, A.P., Koenig, K., Lowe, M., Mathew, B., Stoller, J. & Phillips, M. (under review). Examination of the Neural Substrates Activated in Experiences with Resonant & Dissonant Leaders. Leadership Quarterly.

Boyatzis, R.E., Smith, M. and Blaize, N. (2006) “Developing sustainable leaders through coaching and compassion, Academy of Management Journal on Learning and Education. 5(1): 8-24.

Cattaneo, L. & Rizzolatti, G. (2009). The mirror neuron system. Neurobiological Review, 66(5), p. 557-560

ReferencesDecety, J. & Michalska, K.J. (2010). Neurodevelopmental change in circuits underlying empathy and sympathy from childhood to adulthood. Developmental Science. 13: 6, 886-899.

Doidge, Norman: The Brain That Changes Itself. New York: Penguin, 2008.

Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R., & McKee, A. (2002). Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Harvard Business School Press.

Isen, Alice M. (2002). "A Role for Neuropsychology in Understanding the Facilitating Influence of Positive Affect on Social Behavior and Cognitive Processes."Handbook of Positive Psychology. C. R. Snyder and S. J. Lopez. Oxford (Eds), England and New York, NY, Oxford University Press: Chapter 38: (pp 528-540).

LeDoux, J. (2002). Synaptic self: How our brains become who we are. NY: Viking.

Kegan, Robert . (1994). In Over Our Heads: The Mental Demands of Modern Life, Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebra’s don’t get ulcers (third edition).NY: Harper Collins.