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Early
Spring
1994
IND
U
R
3.95
Cheap?
E C
A L
Of
fit**,
I I
'.
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LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT: R a n dom Sa mpl in gs o f Re a de r M a iL .2
YOUR GUEST IS AS GO O D AS MINE DEPARTMENT:The
M A D G u i de t o D o in g W e l l / N o t D o in g W e l l O n T V T a l k S ho w s . .. 4
5 f § | g 5 J
T A L E S F R O M T H E D U C K S I D E
DEPARTMENT:The Intrepid Informer's lndictment...7
M
vND THE WINNERS AREN'T DEPARTMENT: N ew G ra m m y A w a rd Categ ories W e 'd Like to See...8 [ |,
;;
. %T
}
CA N'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BETTER DEPARTMENT: Just W he n Y o u Th in k i t C a n ' t Ge t A n y W o rs e . . . 1 0 2 ^ ^
EVENTING OUR SPLEEN DEPARTMENT: R ight No w . . . l 2
TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT: T he G o o f y G a l a p a g o s G o o n - S q u a d . . . 1 5
'THEY'RE THE DISEASE A ND WE'RE THE CURATOR DEPARTMENT: W he n The Smit hs on ia n Ope n s A n A dv e r t is in g W in g . . . l
SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT: A M A D Look a t Ga mb l in g . . . 1 8
MARCH/APRIL
1994
NUMBE
326
",^7/e reason many people* are (oxl in mom/it k 6ecau,ie itis> un/ani/'/ar lem'lonj, "
— Jimfd e>. jYuunajv
EXCERPT MARKS THE SPOT DEPARTMENT: B a rba r a B r a n don 's "W he re I 'm C omin g From " . ..2 1
OPPORTUNITIES KNOCKED DEPARTMENT:
The N e w A me r ica n D re a m C a re e r Pa th C ha r t . .. 2 4
A PENNY CRAVED IS A PENNY YEARNED DEPARTMENT:
I t 's a Recession, I t 's a Depression.. .26
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:
The Lighter Side o f . . .29
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT: Spy Vs. Spy.. .33
DEVICE AG E DEPARTMENT: W ha t i f Techno logy Inva ded H is tory?. . .34
®S \ ADHERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW DEPARTMENT:
W ha t D oe s it Sa y A bou t P l a y in g by the R u le s W he n . . .3 6
f £ h PAIN'S WORLD DEPARTMENT: The Ma s oc h is t' s W o rk ou t . . .3 8
STRIPS TEASED DEPARTMENT:
W he n To day 's Con t rove rs ia l Issues To ta l ly Inv ade the C o mics. . .40
A HIGH PRICE TOUPEE DEPARTMENT:
"Miscue
9 1 1 " ( A MAD TV
SATIRE )...43
DRAWN OUT DRAMAS"
by Se rg io A ra gon e s .. .Va r iou s P la ce s A rou n d The M a g a z in e
FRONT AN D BACK COVER ARTIST: RICHARD WILLIAM S FRONT COVER IDEA: DUCK EDWIN G
« ^ -THINGS THAT SUCK" WRITER: HAL PINURCIOLO
http://../MMP.pdfhttp://../MMP.pdfhttp://../MMP.pdf
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LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPT
E ARL ' S I N I T I AL I NQUI RY
I 've read M A D for 30 years , and have
somehow managed to teach school fo r 20 of
those years . D id you know tha t A lf red E .
N e u m a n ' s i n i t i a l s b a c k w a r d s — N . E . A . — a r e
t h e s a m e a s t h e N a t i o n a l E d u c a t i o n a l A s s o
c ia t ion? Does th is mean i f we read M A D
bac kw ard s there i s an educ a t iona l message?
Ear l HoIden . J r .
Z i l l a h . W A
N o ,
bu t i t do es mea n tha t f o r the pas t 20 yea rs ,
the k ids of
Z i l l a h ,
W a s h in g t o n h a v e b e e n t a u g h t
b y a
COMPLETE
LUNATIC -E d.
mm)
W i l l i a m M . G a i n e s
founder
Nick Meglin
John Fica rra
editors
L e o n a r d B r e n n e r
art director
To m No zko wsk i
production
Charlie Kadau
) o e Ra io l a
associate editors
D i c k D e B a r t o l o
creative consultant
A n n i e G a i n e s
general manager
A n d r e w
J .
S c h w a r t z b e r g
assistant editor
Amy L. Vozeo las
editorial assistant
Lil l ian A lfonso
F re d d ie M a l o n e y
G r e t a W o o d - W e b s t e r
subscriptions
l ack A lbe r t
lawsuits
D o r o t h y C r o u c h
resident suit
Co n t r ibu t ing Ar t is ts
a n d W r it e r s
the usual gang of diots
M A D (ISSN 0024 9319) is published monthly except April, June.
August
and
November by E C. P ublications. Inc.. 485
MADIson
Avenue.
New YorK. NY 10022 Jenetle Kann, President & Editor-in-Chlel. Paul
Levitz. Executive VP & Publisher. Joe Orlando, VP & Creative Liaison.
Second class postage paid at New York. NY and at additional mailing
olfices. Subscription
in
US A 8 issues
15.50
or
24
issues
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40
issues SS9.50. Outside
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(Including Canada): 8 issues S19.50 or 24
issues $51.50 or 40 issues $82 50 (Canadian price has GST lax in
cluded.) Entire contents copyright
s>
1994 by EC Publications. Inc.
Allow
10 weens
lor change
ol
address to become ellectrve. and include
mailing label when making change ol address or inquiring about your
subscription POSTMASTER:
send
address change to
MAD.
485
MADi-
son Avenue. New
York,
NY 10022. The Publisher and Editors w« not be
responsible lor'unsolicited manuscripts, and request all manuscripts
be
accompanied by a stamped sell-addressed return envelope. The
names ol characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fic
titious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is
a
coinci
dence. P r n t e d n
U.S.A.
" S E N S E L E S S I N S E A T T L E "
I can' t believe I 'm wr iti ng a letter to th e
ed i to rs o f a maga z ine I loved and la ughed a t
and grew up wi th and even sen t mater ia l to ,
back in the 8 th g rad e , in 1968 , which you
never even ackn owle dged However , I 'm the
g u y w h o t h o u g h t u p a n d w r o t e Sleepless in
Seattle, the movie you skewered in your Jan
uar y '94 issue —an d I just had to tell you
w h a t an h o n o r i t i s T o h a v e c h i l d h o o d
heroes l ike Mort Drucker and S tan Har t go
to work on me, and all of the folks involved
in the movie , i s jus t about the coo les t th ing
tha t cou ld have come f rom th is whole expe
r i e n c e — a l m o s t b e t t e r t h a n g e t t i n g p a i d S o
i t ' s n ice to see you f ina l ly p r in t ed som eth ing
o f m i n e — a l t h o u g h I s a w a p h o t o o n c e o f
y o u r l a te a n d e s t e e m e d f o u n d e r W i l l i a m
Gaines ' o f f ice , and I 'm wonder ing i f my
stuf f f rom '68 i sn ' t s t i l l in there somew here
Jef f Arch
Cl i f ton , VA
Je ff—Thanks f o r yo u r v e ry k ind l e t t e r . B a sed o n
yo u r su gges tio n , we t o o k a l o o k and indee d d id
f ind you r 196 8 submission. Our 4-star edito ria l
s t a f f ca re f u l ly re v iewe d it , a n d u n fo r t u na t e ly , it
is t he i r co ns ide red expe r t o p in io n tha t yo u r wr i t
ing shows l i t t le promise o f be ing commercia l ly
v i a b l e . . .T h e y r e c o m m e n d y o u s t a r t t a k i n g
s o m e a c c o u n t in g c o u rs e s a n d f o r e v e r g i v e u p t h e
dre am o f o n e da y beco ming a su ccessfu l Ho l ly
wo o d screenwr i t e r —Ed.
P R A N K D I S C U S S I O N
I h a v e a b i g p r o b l e m . I l i k e p l a y i n g
p r a n k s . S o m e t i m e s I pl a y g o o d o n e s , t o o I
n e e d b e t t e r o n e s . C o u l d y o u h e l p m e ?
T h a n k s f o r y o u r t i m e .
Dan Moff i t t
Sa l inas , CA
D a n T h e M a n — N o p r o b l e m o l H e r e a r e s o m e o f
o u r f a v o r i t e p r a n k s : C a l l t h e H o w a r d S t e r n
S h o w , a n d w h e n y o u g e t o n , y e l l o u t " L a r r y
K i n g " A lso , p ick o u t a v ic t im , an d when ev e r yo u
s e e t h e m , li m p . W h e n t h e y a s k yo u w h a t ' s
w r o n g , s a y " O h , n o t h i n g . " B u t a s t h e y w a l k
a w a y , m u t t e r j u st l o u d e n o u g h s o t h e y ca n h e a r
y o u , " W h a t a d i p " O u r a l l -t i me f a v o r i t e p r a n k ,
the o ne we reco mmend mo s t , is sending yo u r
v ic t im a su bscr ip t io n t o M AD Try i t I t wo rks
e v e r y t i m e - E d .
T H E B E S T
W i t h t hi s, o u r s e v e n t h y e a r o f s po t
l i g h t i n g a r e a d e r ' s p i c k s f o r t h e b e s t
of the year , we decided to shake things
u p by pr in t ing tw o re ade rs picks Per-
Here are my personal favorites for '93:
Best Movie Satire:
Home A-Groan 2 (#318)
Best TV
Satire:
Batsman: The Anemic Series
(#322)
Best Article:
Translating "Studspeak" (#322)
Best Satire of A Movie Tha t Deserved
It:
Jurass-
Has-Had-It Park (#323)
Best
Satire of a TV Show That
Deserved
It: Blah-
Sum (#318)
Best Lighter Side of:
(#317)
Best Spy
Vs .
Spy: m20)
Best Tales From the Duck Side:
The Puny
Pugilist's Performance: (#322)
Best
Cover: Bram Stoker's Dracula (#319)
Best Back
Cover: "First Drug Test" (#317)
Best Fold-In:
D iscarded Diap ers (#317)
Best AlfredE. Neuma n Quote:
(#318)
Best Super
Special: Gadgets and Gizmos (#92)
Best
Paperback:
Spy Vs. Spy #8
Best Overall Issue: (ttyi8)
T h a n k y o u f o r m a k i n g m e l a u g h
Ashley Robinson
D e l a n d , F L
C A M P B E L L' S W H O O P
The enc losed po l i t ica l ca r toon app
in the October 24 th , 1993 issue of the
treal Gazette, d e p i c t i n g C a n a d i a n P
M inis te r K im C am pb el l as A lf ie (or
versa) . Th e very nex t day , Ms. Ca m
and her Con serva t ive Par ty went down
recor d-se t t in g defea t in a federa l e le
G o f i g u r e
Edward S tok
M o n t r e a l , C
A f t e r s e e in g t h e e d i t o r ia l c a r t o o n a n d r e
y o u r l e t t e r, w e ' r e b e g i n n i n g t o h a v e s
t h o u g h t s a b o u t N A F T A B y t h e w a y , d i
k n o w L o m e G r e e n e w a s f r o m C a n a d a ? T
for wri t ing —Ed.
M O R O N M A I L
W h a t t h e # & * @ $ % w e re y o u t h i n
when you chose Pr ince Char les as the
ner o f the A lf red E . N eu ma n look
c o n t e s t ( M A D # 3 2 4 ) ? Y o u s h o u l d c
be ab le to see th a t wh en Alf red E . g row
(if he ever does) he will look like D
L e t t e r m a n
A d a m D
S c i t u a t e
Tru e , bu t when Dav id Le t t e rma n gro w s u
goin g to lo ok l ike Prince Charles—So wha t '
p o i n t ? - E d .
T IM E S T W O
h a p s n e x t y e a r w e ' l l p ri n t a n e n t i r e
i s s u e o f nothing but r e a d e r ' s p i c k s
W h a t f a s c in a t i n g r e a d i n g that w o u l d b e
Here a re my person a l "Bes t o f the Y
Awards for 1993:
Best Movie Satire: Sister Axed (#316)
Best
TV Satire: Blah-S um (#318)
Best
Article: MAD Salutes Some Legendar
Moms and Dads (#322)
Best Satire of A Movie That
Deserved
It: H
A-Groan 2 (#318)
Best Satire oj
a TV ShouTh at Deserved It:
Batsman: The Anemic Series (#323)
Best
Lighter
Side
of: (#323)
Best Spy
Vs .
Spy:
(#322)
Best Tales From the Duck Side:
The C onni
Carniv al C aper (#318)
Best
Cover: Tr olls (#318)
Best Back
Cover: "First Day of School" (#31
Best Fold-In:
Th e Florida Ma rlins (#319)
Best Alfred E. Neuman Quote:
(#318)
Best Super
Special: Co llector's Series #6 (#
Best
Paperback:
MA D's Creature Present
Best Overall Issue: (#322)
T h a n k y o u
D a n D o e
Schof ie ld
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o
Introducing
o
CHAT -- your chance lo call up and speak lo MAD con-
editors On Wednesda y, February 23, 1994
-752 -687 2 between the hours
ol
3P M
- 5PM
compliments, criticisms and craziness ready (And no,
y. Larry King will not be hosting ) In luture months
be able to speak to other members ot the usual gang ol
too Watch
the Letters
Page each
issue for
date and
time
And don't forget - at all other times you can FAX
the
same
memorable phone number 212-PLAN UPA
H A P P Y A N D S A D L E R
by that a well -known
Recent
Die
stopped by for a tour Even so,
whether or not he'd join
Die
to try and breathe some much-
a regular paycheck, eh Bruce?
MA D #327 OIM SALE APRIL 51
MAD SUPER SPECIAL # 3 6
DIM SALE MARCH BI
MAD AT f212] 75 2- 6B 72 I
Correspondence To:
Dept. 326,485 MADison Avenue
Ne w York, New York 10022
submissions. Manuscripts will not
acknowledged,
however, unless they are
by a s elt-addressed, stamped envelope
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D I enclose $15.50 for an 8-lssue Subscription.
I'll save a paltry 10C off newsstand price and get to
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USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE
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Y O U R G U E S T
IS AS
G O O D
AS
M I N E D E P T .
/
\
U~2
in
ARTIST: MOR T DRUCKER WRITER: GREG ECKLER
4 People who dot their i's with smiley faces or hearts... S u c k
DAVID LETTERMAN
TO DO WELL:
Cancel.
,fl
GkQuc\< &
TO NOT DO WELL:
Upstage Dave.
•
TO N OT DO W ELL:
Tr y to say something serious.
Time is running out
for the Haitian
refugees
You know I'm
not Ted Koppel,
right?
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ARSENIO HALL
T O D O W E L L :
Mention the basketball gam e you
were at last week, using only the
first name of the star players.
JAY LENO
TO DO W ELL:
Let Jay jump on your punchlines.
HOJt %
TO DO W ELL:
Praise the acting talent of the rap
per who had a small role in your
film.
T O N O T D O W E L L :
Quote motorcycle acci
dent and death statistics.
^V-
TO NOT DO WELL:
ttklk at length about pro hockey
There are
some people
out there saying
Guy Carbon nea u isn't the best
defensive forward in the NHL
That's crazy Right, Arsenio?
T O N O T D O W E L L :
Ask inappropriate questions.
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OPRAH WINFREY
PHIL DONAHUE
TO DO W ELL:
Use hackneyed cliches to denounce racism
Yo u should
go into
politics,
Phil
Whaddayya
say, folks?
TO DO WELL:
Suggest Phil run for Congress.
You
flatter me,
Mr. Danza
Now
getting back
to
Samantha, was it hard for
Tony M icelli
when she
left
college? I
mean, were
talking
about your baby girl here
:^t
mi
^
Weep openly for the full hour
Let it
a l l ou t ,
girl People should
see this and l earn
your
pain
TO DO WELL:
Demonstrate your freakish
activity live in the studio.
\
Today,
women who strip
in front
of their fathers We'll give
you a chance to
ask question s
in
a
moment ,
but
first,
so that our
discussion can be an informed o ne,
let's watch the ladies in action
I£Q2
TO NOT DO W ELL:
Misunderstand the point of the show.
C//. 11 . ,A
Our
to pic
today
is sibling rivalrie s
Lisa Filberts,
why don' t you get
a long
with
your sister?
Forget it,
Oprah
This is ne ither the
time
nor the
place
to discuss such
personal matters
—
V £
TO NO T DO W ELL:
th the big, faceless corpo ration.
L V
\
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T A L E S F R O M T H E D U C K S I D E P E P T .
T H E I N T R E P I D I N F O R M E R S IN D IC T M E N T
C ^
7 r T §
TnT^T^
(SUPERMAN? )
* , >
-
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^x.
A N D T H E W I N N E R S A R E N T D E P T .
Every year come Gram my time, the music
biz gets sucked dry of any semblance of
creativity an d limply bestows the sam e
stodgy old awards upon their constantly
changing industry. It is now time for
these big losers to wake up and add...
New
G R A N N Y A W A R D
Categories
We'd
Like To
S e
ARTIST: RICK TULK A WRITER: MIKE SNIDER
1. B e s t I n c o h e r e n t a n d O b s c e n i t y - f i l l e d A c c e p t a n c e S p e e c h
f rom Las t Yea r ' s G rammy Te l ecas t .
2 . Bes t G i mmi ck Des i gned t o D i s t rac t A t t en t i on f rom t he Fac
t h a t P e r f o r m e r s H a v e N o M u s i c a l T a l e n t W h a t s o e v e r .
3 . Bes t A r t i s t Tha t Few L i ke , bu t W hose CD Mos t Peop l e Buy
Bec aus e it 's t he " Po l i t ica l l y Co r re c t " Th i ng t o Do .
4 .
M o s t U n n e c e s s a r y ( a n d P a i n f u l ) H i g h N o t e b y a N e w
Fem a l e Voca l i s t Jus t T ry i ng t o " Show Up " W h i t ne y Ho us t on
5 . M o s t I n j u r i e s a t a H e a v y M e t a l C o n c e r t C a u s e d b y L e a d
S i nger W h i pp i ng Fans I n t o a F renzy .
6 . B es t F i c ti ti o u s P R . V e r s i o n o f H o w " M a d e - t o - O r d e r "
S i n g i n g G r o u p J u s t " H a p p e n e d " t o G e t T o g e t h e r .
7 . M o s t S h a m e l e s s T V - C o m m e r c i a l " S e l l - O u t " b y a S u p e r s t a
W h o N e e d s t h e M o n e y A b o u t a s M u c h a s R os s P e ro t.
8 . M o s t U n r e c o g n i z a b l e R e n d i t i o n o f t h e N a t i o n a l A n t h e m
Per f o rmed a t a Spor t i ng Even t .
9 . B e s t R a p A l b u m T h e y C o u l d n ' t G i v e A w a y U n t il O u t r a g e d
Po l i ti c ians Sh ow er ed i t W i t h F ree Pub l ic i ty .
10 .
B e s t S i m u l a t e d " L o v e - m a k i n g N o i s e s " b y P r e - Te e n P o p
S i n ge r s W h o H a v e N e v e r E ve n Kissed a
Gi r l .
11.
B e s t L iv e C o n c e r t , L i p - s y n c h e d t o P r e - r e c o r d e d V o c a l s ,
W i t h P r e - t a p e d M u s i c a n d P r e - p r o g r a m m e d S y n t h e s i z e r s
12 . B e s t " F a c e - s a v i n g " E x c u s e f o r R e t u r n i n g to O l d B a n d A f t e
So l o Ca ree r F i zz l es .
13 . Best N e w Rock Gro up Tha t W i l l be Sp l i t up i n S i x M on t hs
B e c a u s e T h e y C a n 't H a n d l e S u c c e s s .
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I C A N ' T B E L I E V E I T ' S N O T B E T T E R P E P T .
W e a l l g o t h r o u g h b a d t i m e s . F o r t u n a t e l y , t h e s e
b a d t im e s u s u a l l y l e a d t o g o o d t i m e s , e x c e p t w h e n
t h e y d o n ' t a n d t he y l e a d t o m o r e b a d t i m e s , o r e v e n
w o r s e t i m e s , w h i c h , s o m e t i m e s , l e a d t o t h e w o r st o f
w o r s e t i m e s W h i c h i s o u r w a y o f in t r o d u c i n g . . .
Street mimes...Suck\
mw
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W S N
E T asm romoL. M H m m w®
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NTING OUR SPLEEN DEPT
i r s t c a m e V a n H e l e n s p o p u l a r s o n g a n d v i d e o " R I G H T N O W
it w a s C l e a r P e p s i' s " R I G H T N O W " T V C o m m e r c ia l , b a s e d o
n ' s p o p u l a r s o n g a n d v i d e o , " R I G H T N O W . " R i g h t n o
I
DIG ITA L A RTIS T: S A M V IV I
R IG H T N O W R IG H T N O W
JACK NICHOLSON
IS SPENDING M ONEY
I
YOU
SHELLED OUT FOR
SOM E PIECE OF B ATM AN
[ -%, . / .J
CRAP Y OUR DOG CHEW ED
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o u r t u rn t o t a k e a sho t a t V a n H a l e n ' s p o p u l a r so n g a n d v i d e
G H T N O W / ' w h i l e m a k i n g a b s o l u t e l y n o re f e r e n c e to C l e
i' s " RIG H T N O W " T V C o m m e r cia l W e b o l d l y c a l l t his a r t i c l e
G H T N O W R IG H T N O W
one
w r o n g k e y s t r o k e t ha t ,
• H • - - - ,
n o w co u ld e i ther la nd :
u in P r i s o n . . . o r d o n o t h i n g
At
al l Sj*
M E D I O C R E - T O - A W j I l
AMATEUR BASKETBALL
PLAYERS ARE
W A S T I N G $ 1 2 5
ON SNEAKERS
THAT NOT ONLY
WON'T IM PROVE
THEIR GA ME —
BUT AL SO NEGATE
ONE OF THEIR
BEST EXCUSES
•
INSTRUCTORS
ATTERRORIST
T R A I N I N G
CAMPS ALL
OVER THE
WORLD ARE
REMINDING
THEIR CAR-
B O M B I N G
P U P I L S :
NEVER, NEVER,
EVER U S E
INSTRUCTORS
ATTERRORIST
T R A I N I N G
CAMPS
ALL
OVER T H E
WORLD
ARE
REMINDING
A
THEIR CA R- ^
^ B O M B I N G . v V *
^ P U P I L S
flfflj*
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RIGHT N O W
goers
a r e
secretly
hoping
o n e o f
those
elephants
takes
a
50-lb.
dump
o n t he
Midget
Clown
YUG
OWNE
A
BERIN
WH
EFFE
RIGHT N O W i RIGHT N O W
PAWN
SHOPS
I
ARE .
BEING
FLOODED
WITH / >
SLIGHTLY-
USED
TENOR
SAXOPHONES
FROM
TRENDY
DEMOCRATS
WH O
OVERESTIMATED
THEIR
\ - »
MUSICAL
ABILITIES
SERIAL KILLERS
A R E
PAUSIN
BETWEEN
S T A B S ,
SLASHES
O
HACKS
T O
PONDER JUST
W H
SHOULD PLAY THEM IN THE
MOVIE BASED O N THEIR CRIME
i^fcr]
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T A L E S F R O M T H E P U C K S I D E D E P T .
T H E G O O F Y G A L A P A G O S G O O N S Q U A D
A RTIS T A ND WRITE R: DUCK E DWING
-
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T H E Y ' R E T H E D I S E A S E A N D W E ' R E T H E C U R A T O R D E P T .
Visitors to our nation's capital delight in catching a glimpse of Am erica's wri
national symbol. No antbrain, n ot Strom Thurmond The California Raisins Those da
purple fruits are now strutting their stuff in the Sm ithsonian, next to the Apollo
When The Simthsonmn
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and the Spirit of St. Louis, as an "exam ple of pop c ulture.
9
* That's right, we
now the only nation on the face of the planet with clay raisins on display in a
museum And we can only imagine what other crapola they'll put in there...
An Advertisin
Th e Brain o f the Guy
W h o Wrote , "Th i s I s
Your Brain— This Is
Your Brain On Dru gs. '
A lb a Brocco l in i , th e O n ly
Girl in Earth's History
to Actual ly Ask H er
Moth er I f S h e Do u ch es
Getting
stuck sitting in
the middle
of
the
back
seat
ofa
car. so
your
feet are on that hump
and your
knees are
touching your
chin... Sucks
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S E R G E - I N G E N E R A L P E P T .
e r
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-
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• i iD
>©
-
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-
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sure are different
nowadays.
It used to be that parents IF M P A M
M P ^ ^ % I ^ %
J l
aspirations
for their
kids. They
scrimped and
saved
to
MP
#1 11 #11 , *j
llf fl
|
their kids to
college
so that
they
would
be assured a
good
, ' , ' J J J , Âvll PVI U
and a bright future. But that American dream
I s
now dead.
N E W
GO TO COLLEGE
I
BE
THE SCIENCES
AND MAJOR IN
i z r _ l
Getting someone else
to pay for it, or you
might
as well...
BUSINESS
T
LIBERAL ARTS
r
W HERE Y OU LE
I
HOW M UCH
MATH
THEY EXPECT
YOU TO TAKE
I
LIBERAL
HIG
GRADUATE
WHAT COLLEGE
GRADS USED TO
DO WHEN THERE
WERE STILL J OB S
FOR THEM
YOU
SW ITCH
MA JORS
CLEVER
PHRASES
THAT'LL
HELP YOU
GET DATES
NOTHING
DROP OUT
AFTER
ONE
SEMESTER
AND:
USE B R IB E RY
TO GET
PASSING GRADES
APPLY
for
EVERY
DECENT-PAYING JOB
IN AMERICA
and get:
W HICH TAKES
E XT RA M O N E Y
f o r c i n g y ou
to:
GOTO
W OR
AT
REJECTED
SO YOU:
M OVE TO
MEXICO
•
ANDTAKE YOUR
DAD S OLD JOB
W HICH MOVED SOUTH
AND NOW PAYS
$ 3 . 0 0 A W E E K
JAPAN
AND PAY $75 ,00 0
A M ONTH FOR
A NICE
STUD IO APT.
G E R M A N
•
AND HAVE
OF EVER
PAYCHEC
TAKEN O
FOR TAX
AND FINALLY END UP ...
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E A M C A R E E R F W T H C H A R T
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: MIKE SNIDE
STAY AT HOM E
A N D
SPONGE OFF YOUR PARENTS
~ 1 ~
DON'T GRADUATE
SERVE FOUR
YEARS N THE
ARMY
THEY
CROAK
UNTIL
HZ
THEY KICK
YOU OUT
THEY START
TO "CRAM P
YOUR STYLE"
AND
THEN
l eav ing
no one to
pay your
bi l ls
Remember ing to
change the
l oc ks th i s t ime
IF Y O U KNOW
WHAT
WE MEAN
LONELY
Z3 I
UNABLE T O SPEAK
JAPANESE GERMAN
W A N DE R t h e STREETS
r
UNTIL YOU SPOT THE
FAMILIAR
"GOLDEN ARC HES"
AND
FORCING YOU TO:
•
J
c
START YOUR OWN
ROCK
BAND
1
BURGLARY
RING
LAW N CARE
B USINESS
AND GET
AND GET
Screwed
out of
$$$by
CLUB
OWNERS
s o
you
have to:
1
Addicted
to
DRUGS
AND GET
Shot by
"RAMBO"
the home
owner
CAUGHT
by the
POLICE
terminal
HAY
FEVER
1
NAILED
by
97 gov't
agencies
for not
fi l l ing out
proper
forms
GO t o the HOSPiTAL
GO t o JAIL
wh ich BANKRUPTS
both Y O U and
YOUR FAMILY
so you ALL have to:
ESCAPE
surviving
O N T H E
RUN
f rom town
to town
as you :
ge t
O U T
and
enter an
EX-CON
JOB
TRAINING
program w hich
sends you to:
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If your current financial
situation forces you to
wait awhile before having
akid ...IT'SARECESSION
If your current financial
situation forces you to
wait awhile before feeding
your kid...
ITS
A
DEPRESSION
If you can't afford to repla
that broken-do wn refrigera
of yours.. IT'SARECESSION
IS A PENNY YEARNED PEPT
s a n o ld sa y in g t h a t go e s , 'A re c e s s ion i s
e n y o u r n e i g h b o r l o s e s h i s jo b — a d e p r e s s i o n
e r s d o n 't h a v e j o b s a n y w a y w e t h o u g h t w e ' d
If you like Sunda ys
because it gives you
a break before you have
to start the job hunt
again. .IT'SARECESSION
If you like Sundays
because the newspapers
are the thickest and
warmest that day...
ITS
A
DEPRESSION
If Ted K oppel hosts an
economic summit in orde
to discuss the merits
ofK eynesian theory on
the current crisis...
IT'SARECESSION
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If a .255, 14-homer
hitter signs a 5-year,
36-million-dollar
contract.
. IT'S A RECESSION
If you re fighting other
vagrants over the box it
me
in...
ITS A DEPRESSION
If the same player signs
the same contract—but
the fifth year isn t
guaranteed...
ITS A DEPRESSIO
If Ted Koppel wipes
a greasy rag across
your windshield...
rrs A D E P R E S S IO N
If the biggest business
deal you pulled off in
the last year was just
one-fourth of what it was
in 1988...
IT'S A RECESSION
•
•
ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: DESMOND DEVL
If your biggest deal in
the past year was trading
Ventnor Avenue and the
Water Works for Park
Place...
ITS A DEPRESSION
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If you're supple
menting your diet
clipping coupo ns...
IT'S
A
RECESSION
If you're supple
menting your diet
by eating coupons..
ITS A DEPRESSION
If you have to
move back in with
your parents...
IT'S A RECESSION
If mom 's in the front
seat,
dad's in the
back
seat,
and you
get the trunk...
IT S A DEPRESSION
If the tellers down
at the savings bank
even recognize
you anymore...
IT'S A RECESSION
If the gang down at
the blood bank gives
you high fives and
your "usual table"...
ITS A DEPRESSION
If you can't
eat out as often as
you used to...
IT'S
A
RECESSION
If you eat out much
more often than you
used to—only out
of dumpsters...
ITS A DEPRESSION
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BERG'S-EYE V I EW DEPT.
THE
LIGHTER SIDE
OF.
ARTIST AND WRITER: DAVE BER
T E C H N O L O G Y
Thanks for b eing so p a t i e n t But 1 j ,
I think I 've go t the
h a n g
of this I
n e w c o m p u t e r iz e d cash register
": looks l ike it 's
w o r k in g
f i ne . . .
your b i l l is e igh teen tho usa nd
do l l a r s a n d fo r ty - thr e e ce n ts
M E N D A T I O N S
Steve, I asked Tracy Per sof f
to go to the dance Saturday
nigh t , but she tu rn ed me
do wn Now I'm stuck Do
you know someone I can ask?
There's
Kathy
Jo rdan
Why not
ask her?
Kathy, I 'd l ike someone
to go to the da nce
w i t h Sa t u rday n i gh t
I'd like
that
too l
Gee,
I don ' t kno w an yone,
but I was hoping you 'd
know a g i r l I can ask
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S U P E R S T I T I O N
It's
my da u ghte r 's
f i f teenth
b i r t hday t omor ro w Do you
have any suggestions?
The bes t th ins is to bu y
her somethin g that she
wou ldn ' t buy f o r herself
Are you kidding? There's
n o th i n g
she
wou ldn ' t
bu y
f o r herself
D o n ' t
eve r
o p e n
a n
umbrella inside
th e house It
br ings
bad luck
Th e
b a
luck
already
a r r i v e d
M E R V A C A T I O N F A S H I O N
What a
wi ld scene
When the f inal
be l l
r ang in schoo l
today, everyon e
r a n o u t
of the bu i ld ing ye l l i n g and screa ming
You'd think th e t e a che rs wou l d
have
mor e d i gn i ty
than
t h a t
Since b e l l b o t t o m s a re coming back
in style , I though t I cou l d sa v e
m o n e y
by t rying on the
c l o the s
in th e a t t i c The t rouble is
all the p a n t s a re t o o t ig h t
Too
t ight
aroun
the
waist
DIFFERENCES
M o m , Bernie Buda
a ske d me t o
marry
him
What
do yo u th ink?
B e f o r e
you give him your
dec is ion,
the most
i mpor t a n t thi n g you
must c o n s i de r t o d a y is. . .
... is
he
the
ma n
you'd want
you r children
t o
spe n d
e v e r y o t h e r w e e k e n d wi th?
Do you
be l i e v e
the
co lo r o f
the
wa t e r
in this lake? Talk
about pol lut i i
I kn ow
There's
only
two kinds
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Lookers—people wh o carefully examine thei
Kleenex after blowing their nose into
it...
Su
IN - LA W S
Brian,
I need yo ur
a d v i c e
I got so
a n g ry
at my
boss I
really
t o ld
h er o f f
W h a t
do
yo u th ink I should I do?
If I we re
y o u ,
Lisa F itterman,
Id march r ight back
to
her
of f i ce and
humble
mysel f
Id
get dow n on my knees and
b e g
he r to fo rg ive my s tu pid i ty
I need yo ur
ad v ice
C R IM E
H ow do you l ike the n e r v e of
this guy? He says he's the
one who
broke in
last
month and
s t o l e
o ur
TV set
That is nerve
What's he
ca l l ing
about?
The
s e t
isn't
w o r ki n g w e l l
He wants
to
k n o w
w h e r e we
got
it
so he can
exch ang e
it for
a brand
n e w o n e
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Joe, you're be ing ver y
n e g a t i v e again You
should be taking a
more pos i t i v e a t t i t ude
Are yo u k idd ing? No
o n e
arou nd here has
a mor e pos i t i v e
a t t i t u d e t ha n I d o
I'm p o sit ive I have the wo rst luck
I'm positive
It'll
n e v e r cha n ge
I'm p os it ive life is passing me by
I'm
posi t i ve
I'm just a
bo r n l ose r
Ka pu tn i k , I 'm pu t t ing yo u on
this
n e w me di ca t i on I wa n t
y o u t o c o n t i n u e taking it
unt i l you've u s e d i t a l l up
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J O K E A N D D A G G E R D E P T .
-
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D E V I C E A G E P E P T .
WHAT
IF
T E C H N O L O G Y
What if Moses
had a Fax Machine
What if
Alexander Graham
Bell had Call Waiting
What if
Medieval Knights
had Refrigerator Magnets
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HISTORY? ?
ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL
«gp
v
What if Adam and Eve
had Post-It Notes
W hat if Vincent Van
Gogh had a Walkman
" ^
^ ^
nnnfflfflgnnnnnangnia
fLIGHT
IA V ftRz f
imAt
c
< w L g \ ^ s-
< = ^ >
> >
W \
i ' ^fr
t n —
^-Jg
^ j ^ ^ j ^ * ^
D
feJ-
J
BEEP IFBSM
UND,
BEEP
BEEP IF
2> H SBM
m c^>
V \ _ _ ^ ^ | ^ § 2
What if
N ero had
a Karaoke Machine
What if
Paul
Revere had a Pager
-
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A D H E R E T O D A Y . G O N E T O M O R R O W D E P T .
People who
answer
their call
wait
an d
forget they are talking to
you.
Society tells us that if we "play by the rules" we will always get ahead in life. Well,
we've been playing by the ru les and we haven't gotten anywhere for ou r trou bles It's the
people w ho don't "play by the rules" tha t seem to be getting ahead , while shm oes like us
go nowhere Is the only way to w in the g am e of life to ch eat? It kin da m ak es you wonder...
W h a t D o e s it Say A bout
P laying b y th e R ules W h en . ..ARTIST: SA M VIVIA NO WRITER: MIKE SNIDER
...America's current "National Hero" and "Elder Statesman"
are two schmucks who barely escaped serving time in jail?
. . . the col lege coaches who often pract ice
"grade fixing" and illegal recruiting can almost
always boast having team s with winning records?
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...hoodlums who flunk a grade are p romoted,
just so the teacher can be rid of them?
...supermarket tabloids make tons of money
telling lies while papers that practice
responsible reporting are going bankrupt?
...people who dutifully pay for car insurance also wind
up paying for dam ages caused by deadbeats who don't?
...a tennis player who curses, screams,
and even spits at officials gets paid
big bucks for comm ercial endo rsements
because he's a "highly visible" player?
...the only Miss America in the last 25
years to get anywhere in Show Biz is the
one who posed starkers in Penthouse?
...jerks who smuggle every piece of luggage they own
onto the plane as "carry on" usually get away with it?
-
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Exercycling M in u s A Sa ddle
P A I N ' S W O R L D P E P T .
The fa mo us s l oga n i n phys i c a l f i t ne s s i s , "No pa i n
gain." Similarly, a macoch ist is one who derives a twi
perv erse pleasu re in their own suffering. It stand s to re
Exercising W ith A Hiba chi Ste pma ste r
Stretch Exercising In B a ggy Pan tyho se Do ing Pushups Ov er A B u sted Septic Tan
-
8/17/2019 MAD326
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.-/JZtfZg
Aerobic Dan cin g W ith A
Temperamenta l Pi tbul l
-
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It's
a
mean tough world out there, but you w ouldn't know it read
the daily comics Well, enough is enough , and
MAD
think s it's
mm DW
wmsss
By Cathy Gesundhe
MOM, m
TWO
MONTHS PREGNANT
AND I'M GETTING
AN ABORJ10N.
(Ses^dheit
I M S DATE-RAPED/ l't(\ NOT
EVEN SURE LUHO THE FATHER,
IS.'THE BABY ML l BE ILLE
GITIMATE .' I' M GETTING AN
ABORTION AND YOU CAN'T
STOP M E.'
NOT SO,
DARLING.
TWO
PRO-LIFERS ARE MOVING IN
WITH YOU TO PREVENT YOU
FROM VI0LATIN6 THE WILL
0F60D. e>ye .
M l
WHV CANT
SHE LEAVE
ME
ALONE?
THE NEED
TO BE A
GRANDMOTHER
OVERRIDES
ALL ELSE.
G R THE HORRIB LE
By DIS BROWN
AN ENTIRE V IU A S 0 /
f PREFER
T
-
8/17/2019 MAD326
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rlie Brown, Hagar and the othe rs to exit the age of innocence
nter the age of reality This said, let's see what we'd have...
When
someone is talking to you. and a little drop of s
amies fly in 'out of their mouth and lands right on yo
lip... Sucks
I MAKE 6URE LORETTA WALK"? NEAREST THE
CUR
\H CA$e
THERE2 A PRIVE-BY
$hOO T\H6 "
By SCHLIT
I'M A FAILURE AT LIFE, MV
BAS EB ALL TEAM IS IN LAST
PLACE. THE
LITTLE F?EP-HAIREP
6IRL POESN'T KNOCU
1
EXIST,
A ND M V P O 0 —
HOLP IT/ PO VOU MAVE HEALTH
INSURANCE COVERA GE ? PO VOU
HAVE SOUR UNIVERSAL MEPICAL
CARP WITH VOU
?
ARE VOU A PART
OP T HE H M O I BE LON G T O ? ARE
VOU PREPAREPTOMAKE CO-PAV-
^ ^ M E N T S IF N EC ES SA RV
?
WEV PO NT BLAME M E / BLAME
BILL ANP HILLARV CLINTO N
ANP THEIR STU PIP HEALTH
CARE PLAN,
-
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B y Gary Larseny ZIGGY
By TOM KILSUM
LA. wolf pol ice.
| \ 3 | PATHETIC
• • • •
" / g x ^ / < ^ & ( g ^
By M ARTIN B LANDFORD
-
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A H I G H P R I C E T O U P E E D E P T .
Burning
the
roof of your
mouth SO
h ad that a little
piece
of
skin
hangs
down an d flaps arou nd for, like two
days...
S u c k s
I n t h e o l d d a y s , w h e n y o u h a d a n a c c i d e n t o r p e r s o n a l t r a g e d y , y o u c a l l e d t h e p o l i c e a n d
w i t h in m in u t e s c o p s , f i re m e n a n d m e d i ca l p e r s o n n e l w e r e a t y o u r d o o r t o he l p y o u . B u t
t h e s e d a y s , e v e r y t h i n g is s h o w b i z . C a l l f o r h e l p a n d a l o n g w i t h t h e co p s c o m e t e l e v i s io n
p r o d u c e r s w i t h l ig h t s a n d c a m e r a s , r e a d y t o v i d e o y o u r p a i n , m i s e r y a n d s u f f e r i n g in t h e
n a m e o f p r im e t im e e n t e r t a i n m e n t B e f o r e w a r n e d . N e x t t im e d i sa s t e r s t r i ke s y o u , y o u
m i g h t e a s i l y f in d y o u r s e l f in a n e v e n b ig g e r d i s a s t e r — t h e t e l e v i s io n s h o w w e c a l l . . .
M I S C U E 9 1 I
RTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: DICK DEBARTO
Good evening I'm William
Shatter The scenes you are
about to see involve real
people No actors were used
This is because actors cost
real money, and we can get
real people for no money
I've been in this hole
longer re-creating this
scene than when I was
really trapped I 'm tired
and hungry Can't I
please, please go home?
Hey, there are
a mil l ion 911
stories each week
You're damn lucky
we picked yours
So shut up
Although some real footage
is used, to heighten the
dramatic effect, we re-create
re-write, re-edit, make-up,
add to, change, alter and
fabricate addit ional "facts"
Hang a
litt le
further
over
the
ledge
~~r~
But I could be killed
Besides, this is where I
actually landed when my
safety belt broke during
my real 911 emergency
What a wuss Prop
department, see if
you can get some bats
to fly in his face while
he's hanging on This
scene needs more zap
Of course, the tense background
music and dramatic "stingsV you'll
hear throughout this show were not
present during the actual emergency
—except for the time a tidal wave
hit the Miami Philharmonic
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Now that we got that ever recurring scene of the tape machine out of
the way, let 's go back to the hiking story Ama zingly, the victim turns
out to be DeFrosted Kelly, a man I 've worked with many times in the past
nine decades Let's beam dow n to DeFrosted as he picks up the story
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The salesman had
n eve r b een invo l ved
in
an emer
gency situat ion before, and he was very nervous
m
W hi le wa i t i n g for assistance, the salesman
wa i te d
on two ira te customers who were rea l
short
on compass ion M eanw hi le ,
DeFrosted
Kelly, seeing a police car passing by, waved
his hands to signal them and broke his wrist
A call comes in to the
Beverly Hil ls Police
D ep ar tmen t Th e party cal l ing is lucky to
have the i r phone number , because it 's unlist
ed—as
you
might expect
in
Beverly Hil ls
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$ *
2i
)
In
the
woods, a t ree has fa l l en ,
creating a
bridge over a ravine Some kids crawl over
th e
fa l l en t runk
to get
t o
th e
other side
Th e
biggest boy is afraid
to try
because he's heavier than the rest,
but he decides to chance i t anyway
fe
Y
k
Putting this
"free ice cream"
booth over here did th e trick
Nothing's
going to
stop
these
kids from crawling over that
ro t t ed out t ree branch
\i ^B&Kc^-
But when Sam Friedman got to the middle of the t ree t runk
it
started
t o
break
A passerby cal led
9 11
on h is por tab le
phone—we intercepted the cal l and sent a camera crew first
y
*i&a£U8i£&. yzjaKiaz&ss&z
t^\
• I ' l l II '" \S
We learned a
powerfu l
lesson that day No matter
h o w dramatic the shot wil l look on TV, don ' t t ake
chances Ou r came raman d id An d he was fired—
for losing
a 30 thousand do l lar
v id eo camera
When the 911 f i lm crew got there, the first thing they d id was
cl imb a b ranch
a b o v e
Sam to
get dramatic shots
of him
b e l ow
They had to work fast tho ugh Sam cou ld be rescued any
minute w h i c h w o u l d mess up everything fo r u s
E B E Z Z Z Z B B ^ gc ^ E E z :
Don' t move Your weight is a ll that branch can take
Now listen careful ly I'm going to lower this 50 pound
video camera
down to you Hang on to it and use it to
shoot some footage straight down, so the audience can
see the
dangerous
an d
helpless position
you are in
Timmy, if you saw
th e house was on
fire, why didn't
you
call 911???
It's
your
fault After I spent
$187
phoning the WWF H o t l i n e , you told me
n e v e r to call a 9 00 nu mber aga in
I was only
following your orders
6
Inadvertently touching the underside of a chair or table in
a public place and feeling Cod knows what... Sucks
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^ A \ N
r
2 a.m . M rs. Chic Glitz
is abo ut to g ive
birth Her husband puts
her in the
back seat of
th e
family car, but
th e
car won' t star
Frant ica l ly , he ca l ls 91 1 The personne l there
ca n
r ead
important instruct ions f rom
emergency manua ls
to the
lay person
O ur " b ang up " f inale takes us to a stretch of highway in
Arizon a A c lear
road is
suddenly
turned in to a
demol i t ion derby
As we drove our
video truck
at
breakneck
speed
down the
wrong
side of the
highway,
into the
o n
coming traffic, we
not i ced
vehicles
speeding right and left,
an d
sliding
r ight
o ff
th e
r oad
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W H A T I S F A S T
C I N G C A N D Y
I N E
F T M O R E A N D
M O R E W O M E N
D E S I R E
H E R E W E G O W I T H A N O T H E R R ID I C U L O U S
M AD FOLD-IN
W o m e n a r e si ck o f r e c e i v i n g f a t t e n i n g c a n d y a n d q u i c k
w i l t i n g f l o w e r s e v e r y V a l e n t i n e ' s D a y . I n t h e s e p r a c t i c a l t i m e s
t h e y s e e k a m o r e s e n s i b l e k i n d o f g i f t , l b f i n d o u t e x a c t l y
w h a t t h a t s p e c i a l s o m e t h i n g i s , f o l d p a g e in a s s h o w n . . .
FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT
<
B FOLD B ACK SO "A" MEETS
CANDY IS NOT THE GIFT A GIR LFR IEN D OR M OTHER
P R E F E R S ON V A L E N T I N E ' S D A Y . I T ' S W E L L K N O W N
HOW DIET CONSCIOUS W OM EN ARE. THEY ARE DEM AND
IN G M U C H B E T TE R P R E S E N T S . T H I S IS W H A T
GUYS M UST B UY IN ORDER TO PLEASE THEIR W OM EN.
A V
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