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  i:

 i wwm  i6H•

Early

Spring

1994

IND

U

R

3.95

Cheap?

E C

A L

Of

  fit**,

I I

'.

8/17/2019 MAD326

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 • /h

r

LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:  R a n dom Sa mpl in gs o f Re a de r M a iL .2

YOUR GUEST IS AS GO O D AS MINE DEPARTMENT:The

  M A D G u i de t o D o in g W e l l / N o t D o in g W e l l O n T V T a l k S ho w s . .. 4 

5 f § | g 5 J

  T A L E S F R O M T H E D U C K S I D E

  DEPARTMENT:The Intrepid Informer's lndictment...7

  M

vND THE WINNERS AREN'T DEPARTMENT: N ew G ra m m y A w a rd Categ ories W e 'd Like to See...8 [ |,

;;

.  %T

}

 

CA N'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BETTER DEPARTMENT: Just W he n Y o u Th in k i t C a n ' t Ge t A n y W o rs e . . . 1 0  2 ^ ^

EVENTING OUR SPLEEN DEPARTMENT:  R ight No w . . . l 2

TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT:  T he G o o f y G a l a p a g o s G o o n - S q u a d . . . 1 5

'THEY'RE THE DISEASE A ND WE'RE THE CURATOR DEPARTMENT:  W he n The Smit hs on ia n Ope n s A n A dv e r t is in g W in g . . . l

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT: A M A D Look a t Ga mb l in g . . . 1 8

MARCH/APRIL

1994

NUMBE

326

",^7/e reason many people* are (oxl in  mom/it  k 6ecau,ie itis>  un/ani/'/ar  lem'lonj, "

—  Jimfd   e>. jYuunajv

EXCERPT MARKS THE SPOT DEPARTMENT:   B a rba r a B r a n don 's "W he re I 'm C omin g From " . ..2 1

OPPORTUNITIES KNOCKED DEPARTMENT:

  The N e w A me r ica n D re a m C a re e r Pa th C ha r t . .. 2 4

A PENNY CRAVED IS A PENNY YEARNED DEPARTMENT:

  I t 's a Recession, I t 's a Depression.. .26

BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:

  The Lighter Side o f . . .29

JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:  Spy Vs. Spy.. .33

DEVICE AG E DEPARTMENT: W ha t i f Techno logy Inva ded H is tory?. . .34

®S \  ADHERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW DEPARTMENT:

  W ha t D oe s it Sa y A bou t P l a y in g by the R u le s W he n . . .3 6

f £ h PAIN'S WORLD DEPARTMENT: The Ma s oc h is t' s W o rk ou t . . .3 8

STRIPS TEASED DEPARTMENT:

 W he n To day 's Con t rove rs ia l Issues To ta l ly Inv ade the C o mics. . .40

A HIGH PRICE TOUPEE DEPARTMENT:

  "Miscue

  9 1 1 " ( A MAD TV

 SATIRE )...43

DRAWN OUT DRAMAS"

  by Se rg io A ra gon e s .. .Va r iou s P la ce s A rou n d The M a g a z in e

FRONT  AN D BACK COVER  ARTIST: RICHARD WILLIAM S   FRONT COVER IDEA: DUCK EDWIN G

« ^  -THINGS THAT SUCK" WRITER: HAL PINURCIOLO

http://../MMP.pdfhttp://../MMP.pdfhttp://../MMP.pdf

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LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPT

E ARL ' S I N I T I AL I NQUI RY

I 've read M A D for 30 years , and have

somehow managed to teach school fo r 20 of

those years . D id you know tha t A lf red E .

N e u m a n ' s i n i t i a l s b a c k w a r d s — N . E . A . — a r e

t h e s a m e a s t h e N a t i o n a l E d u c a t i o n a l A s s o

c ia t ion? Does th is mean i f we read M A D

bac kw ard s there i s an educ a t iona l message?

Ear l HoIden . J r .

Z i l l a h . W A

N o ,

  bu t i t do es mea n tha t f o r the pas t 20 yea rs ,

the k ids of

 Z i l l a h ,

 W a s h in g t o n h a v e b e e n t a u g h t

b y a

 COMPLETE

 LUNATIC -E d.

mm)

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a n d W r it e r s

the usual gang of diots

M A D   (ISSN 0024 9319) is published monthly except April, June.

August

 and

 November by E C. P ublications. Inc.. 485

 MADIson

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New YorK. NY 10022 Jenetle Kann, President & Editor-in-Chlel. Paul

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Second class postage paid at New York. NY and at additional mailing

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mailing label when making change ol address or inquiring about your

subscription POSTMASTER:

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son Avenue. New

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 NY 10022. The Publisher and Editors w« not be

responsible lor'unsolicited manuscripts, and request all manuscripts

 be

accompanied by a stamped sell-addressed return envelope. The

names ol characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fic

titious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is

 a

 coinci

dence. P r n t e d n

U.S.A.

" S E N S E L E S S I N S E A T T L E "

I can' t believe I 'm wr iti ng a letter to th e

ed i to rs o f a maga z ine I loved and la ughed a t

and grew up wi th and even sen t mater ia l to ,

back in the 8 th g rad e , in 1968 , which you

never even ackn owle dged However , I 'm the

g u y w h o t h o u g h t u p a n d w r o t e  Sleepless in

Seattle,  the movie you skewered in your Jan

uar y '94 issue —an d I just had to tell you

w h a t an h o n o r i t i s T o h a v e c h i l d h o o d

heroes l ike Mort Drucker and S tan Har t go

to work on me, and all of the folks involved

in the movie , i s jus t about the coo les t th ing

tha t cou ld have come f rom th is whole expe

r i e n c e — a l m o s t b e t t e r t h a n g e t t i n g p a i d S o

i t ' s n ice to see you f ina l ly p r in t ed som eth ing

o f m i n e — a l t h o u g h I s a w a p h o t o o n c e o f

y o u r l a te a n d e s t e e m e d f o u n d e r W i l l i a m

Gaines ' o f f ice , and I 'm wonder ing i f my

stuf f f rom '68 i sn ' t s t i l l in there somew here

Jef f Arch

Cl i f ton , VA

Je ff—Thanks f o r yo u r v e ry k ind l e t t e r . B a sed o n

yo u r su gges tio n , we t o o k a l o o k and indee d d id

f ind you r 196 8 submission. Our 4-star edito ria l

s t a f f ca re f u l ly re v iewe d it , a n d u n fo r t u na t e ly , it

is t he i r co ns ide red expe r t o p in io n tha t yo u r wr i t

ing shows l i t t le promise o f be ing commercia l ly

v i a b l e . . .T h e y r e c o m m e n d y o u s t a r t t a k i n g

s o m e a c c o u n t in g c o u rs e s a n d f o r e v e r g i v e u p t h e

dre am o f o n e da y beco ming a su ccessfu l Ho l ly

wo o d screenwr i t e r —Ed.

P R A N K D I S C U S S I O N

I h a v e a b i g p r o b l e m . I l i k e p l a y i n g

p r a n k s . S o m e t i m e s I pl a y g o o d o n e s , t o o I

n e e d b e t t e r o n e s . C o u l d y o u h e l p m e ?

T h a n k s f o r y o u r t i m e .

Dan Moff i t t

Sa l inas , CA

D a n T h e M a n — N o p r o b l e m o l H e r e a r e s o m e o f

o u r f a v o r i t e p r a n k s : C a l l t h e H o w a r d S t e r n

S h o w , a n d w h e n y o u g e t o n , y e l l o u t " L a r r y

K i n g "  A lso , p ick o u t a v ic t im , an d when ev e r yo u

s e e t h e m , li m p . W h e n t h e y a s k yo u w h a t ' s

w r o n g , s a y " O h , n o t h i n g . " B u t a s t h e y w a l k

a w a y , m u t t e r j u st l o u d e n o u g h s o t h e y ca n h e a r

y o u ,   " W h a t a d i p " O u r a l l -t i me f a v o r i t e p r a n k ,

the o ne we reco mmend mo s t , is sending yo u r

v ic t im a su bscr ip t io n t o M AD Try i t I t wo rks

e v e r y t i m e - E d .

T H E B E S T

W i t h t hi s, o u r s e v e n t h y e a r o f s po t

l i g h t i n g a r e a d e r ' s p i c k s f o r t h e b e s t

of the year , we decided to shake things

u p by pr in t ing  tw o  re ade rs picks Per-

Here are my personal favorites for '93:

Best Movie Satire:

 Home A-Groan 2 (#318)

Best TV

  Satire:

  Batsman: The Anemic Series

(#322)

Best Article:

 Translating "Studspeak" (#322)

Best Satire of A Movie Tha t Deserved

 It:

 Jurass-

Has-Had-It Park (#323)

Best

 Satire of a TV Show That

 Deserved

 It:  Blah-

Sum (#318)

Best Lighter Side of:

 (#317)

Best Spy

 Vs .

  Spy: m20)

Best Tales From the Duck Side:

  The Puny

Pugilist's Performance: (#322)

Best

 Cover: Bram Stoker's Dracula (#319)

Best Back

 Cover:  "First Drug Test" (#317)

Best  Fold-In:

 D iscarded Diap ers (#317)

Best AlfredE. Neuma n Quote:

 (#318)

Best Super

 Special:  Gadgets and Gizmos (#92)

Best

 Paperback:

 Spy Vs. Spy #8

Best Overall Issue: (ttyi8)

T h a n k y o u f o r m a k i n g m e l a u g h

Ashley Robinson

D e l a n d , F L

C A M P B E L L' S W H O O P

The enc losed po l i t ica l ca r toon app

in the October 24 th , 1993 issue of the

 

treal Gazette,  d e p i c t i n g C a n a d i a n P

M inis te r K im C am pb el l as A lf ie (or

versa) . Th e very nex t day , Ms. Ca m

and her Con serva t ive Par ty went down

recor d-se t t in g defea t in a federa l e le

G o f i g u r e

Edward S tok

M o n t r e a l , C

A f t e r s e e in g t h e e d i t o r ia l c a r t o o n a n d r e

y o u r l e t t e r, w e ' r e b e g i n n i n g t o h a v e s

t h o u g h t s a b o u t N A F T A B y t h e w a y , d i

k n o w L o m e G r e e n e w a s f r o m C a n a d a ? T

for wri t ing —Ed.

M O R O N M A I L

W h a t t h e # & * @ $ % w e re y o u t h i n

when you chose Pr ince Char les as the

ner o f the A lf red E . N eu ma n look

c o n t e s t ( M A D # 3 2 4 ) ? Y o u s h o u l d c

be ab le to see th a t wh en Alf red E . g row

(if he ever does) he will look like D

L e t t e r m a n

A d a m D

S c i t u a t e

Tru e , bu t when Dav id Le t t e rma n gro w s u

goin g to lo ok l ike Prince Charles—So wha t '

p o i n t ? - E d .

T IM E S T W O

h a p s n e x t y e a r w e ' l l p ri n t a n e n t i r e

i s s u e o f  nothing but  r e a d e r ' s p i c k s

W h a t f a s c in a t i n g r e a d i n g that w o u l d b e

Here a re my person a l "Bes t o f the Y

Awards for 1993:

Best Movie Satire: Sister Axed (#316)

Best

  TV Satire: Blah-S um (#318)

Best

 Article: MAD Salutes Some Legendar

Moms and Dads (#322)

Best Satire of A Movie That

 Deserved

 It:  H

A-Groan 2 (#318)

Best Satire oj

 a TV ShouTh at Deserved It:

Batsman: The Anemic Series (#323)

Best

 Lighter

 Side

 of: (#323)

Best Spy

 Vs .

  Spy:

 (#322)

Best Tales From the Duck Side:

 The C onni

Carniv al C aper (#318)

Best

 Cover: Tr olls (#318)

Best Back

 Cover: "First Day of School" (#31

Best Fold-In:

 Th e Florida Ma rlins (#319)

Best Alfred E. Neuman Quote:

 (#318)

Best Super

 Special: Co llector's Series #6 (#

Best

 Paperback:

 MA D's Creature Present

Best Overall Issue: (#322)

T h a n k y o u

D a n D o e

Schof ie ld

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o

  Introducing

 o

 CHAT -- your chance lo call up  and speak lo MAD con-

editors On Wednesda y, February 23,   1994

-752 -687 2 between the hours

 ol

 3P M

  - 5PM

compliments, criticisms and craziness ready (And no,

y. Larry King will not be hosting ) In luture months

be able to speak to other members ot the usual gang ol

 too Watch

 the Letters

 Page each

 issue for

 date and

  time

And don't forget -  at all other times you can FAX

 the

 same

 memorable phone number 212-PLAN UPA

H A P P Y A N D S A D L E R

by that a well -known

Recent

  Die

 stopped by for a tour Even so,

 whether or not he'd  join

 Die

  to try and breathe  some much-

a regular paycheck, eh Bruce?

MA D #327 OIM SALE APRIL 51

MAD SUPER SPECIAL # 3 6

DIM SALE MARCH BI

MAD AT f212] 75 2- 6B 72 I

Correspondence To:

  Dept. 326,485 MADison Avenue

Ne w York, New York 10022

 submissions. Manuscripts will not

 acknowledged,

 however, unless they are

 by a s elt-addressed, stamped envelope

W H Y K I L L Y O U R S E L F ?

JUST B ECAUSE VUU M ISSED THE

LAST ISSUE AT THE HEWSSTAND?

SUBSCRIBE TO

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MAD Pins shown above absolutely free

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Il l save $9.30 off newsstand price

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D I enclose $15.50 for an 8-lssue Subscription.

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be processed MAD Magazine cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen

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USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE

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Y O U R G U E S T

  IS AS

 G O O D

 AS

 M I N E D E P T .

/ 

\

U~2

in

ARTIST: MOR T DRUCKER WRITER: GREG ECKLER

4  People who dot their i's with smiley faces or hearts...  S u c k

DAVID LETTERMAN

TO DO WELL:

Cancel.

,fl

GkQuc\< &

TO NOT DO WELL:

Upstage Dave.

•

TO N OT DO W ELL:

Tr y  to say something serious.

Time is running out

for the Haitian

refugees

You know I'm

not Ted Koppel,

right?

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ARSENIO HALL

T O D O W E L L :

Mention the basketball gam e you

were at last  week,  using only the

first name of the star players.

JAY LENO

TO DO W ELL:

Let Jay jump on your punchlines.

HOJt  %

TO DO W ELL:

Praise the acting talent of the rap

per who had a small role in your

  film.

T O N O T D O W E L L :

Quote motorcycle acci

dent and death statistics.

  ^V-

TO NOT DO  WELL:

ttklk at length about pro hockey

There are

 some people

 out there saying

Guy Carbon nea u isn't the  best

defensive forward   in the  NHL

That's crazy Right, Arsenio?

T O N O T D O W E L L :

Ask inappropriate questions.

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OPRAH WINFREY

PHIL DONAHUE

TO DO W ELL:

Use hackneyed cliches to denounce racism

Yo u  should

go into

politics,

Phil

Whaddayya

say, folks?

TO DO WELL:

Suggest Phil run for Congress.

You

 flatter me,

 Mr. Danza

Now

 getting back

 to

Samantha,  was it hard for

Tony M icelli

 when she

 left

college? I

 mean, were

 talking

about  your baby girl here

:^t

mi

^

Weep openly for the full hour

Let it

 a l l ou t ,

girl People should

see this and  l earn

your

 pain

TO DO WELL:

Demonstrate your freakish

activity live in the studio.

\

Today,

 women who strip

  in front

of  their fathers We'll give

you a chance to

 ask question s

 in

a

 moment ,

 but

 first,

 so that our

discussion  can  be  an  informed o ne,

let's watch the  ladies in action

I£Q2

TO NOT DO W ELL:

Misunderstand the point of the show.

C//.  11 .  ,A

Our

 to pic

 today

is sibling rivalrie s

Lisa Filberts,

why  don' t you  get

a long

 with

 your sister?

Forget it,

 Oprah

This is ne ither the

time

 nor the

 place

to discuss such

personal matters

—

V £

TO NO T DO W ELL:

th the big, faceless corpo ration.

L V

\

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T A L E S F R O M T H E D U C K S I D E P E P T .

T H E I N T R E P I D I N F O R M E R S IN D IC T M E N T

C ^

7 r T §

TnT^T^

(SUPERMAN? )

* , >

-

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8/17/2019 MAD326

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^x.

A N D T H E W I N N E R S A R E N T D E P T .

Every year come Gram my time, the music

biz gets sucked dry of any semblance of

creativity an d limply bestows the sam e

stodgy old awards upon their constantly

changing industry. It is now time for

these big losers to wake up and   add...

New

G R A N N Y A W A R D

Categories

We'd

 Like To

 S e

ARTIST: RICK TULK A WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

1.  B e s t I n c o h e r e n t a n d O b s c e n i t y - f i l l e d A c c e p t a n c e S p e e c h

f rom Las t Yea r ' s G rammy Te l ecas t .

2 .  Bes t G i mmi ck Des i gned t o D i s t rac t A t t en t i on f rom t he Fac

t h a t P e r f o r m e r s H a v e N o M u s i c a l T a l e n t W h a t s o e v e r .

3 . Bes t A r t i s t Tha t Few L i ke , bu t W hose CD Mos t Peop l e Buy

Bec aus e it 's t he " Po l i t ica l l y Co r re c t " Th i ng t o Do .

4 .

  M o s t U n n e c e s s a r y ( a n d P a i n f u l ) H i g h N o t e b y a N e w

Fem a l e Voca l i s t Jus t T ry i ng t o " Show Up " W h i t ne y Ho us t on

5 . M o s t I n j u r i e s a t a H e a v y M e t a l C o n c e r t C a u s e d b y L e a d

S i nger W h i pp i ng Fans I n t o a F renzy .

6 . B es t F i c ti ti o u s P R . V e r s i o n o f H o w " M a d e - t o - O r d e r "

S i n g i n g G r o u p J u s t " H a p p e n e d " t o G e t T o g e t h e r .

7 . M o s t S h a m e l e s s T V - C o m m e r c i a l " S e l l - O u t " b y a S u p e r s t a

W h o N e e d s t h e M o n e y A b o u t a s M u c h a s R os s P e ro t.

8 . M o s t U n r e c o g n i z a b l e R e n d i t i o n o f t h e N a t i o n a l A n t h e m

Per f o rmed a t a Spor t i ng Even t .

9 . B e s t R a p A l b u m T h e y C o u l d n ' t G i v e A w a y U n t il O u t r a g e d

Po l i ti c ians Sh ow er ed i t W i t h F ree Pub l ic i ty .

10 .

  B e s t S i m u l a t e d " L o v e - m a k i n g N o i s e s " b y P r e - Te e n P o p

S i n ge r s W h o H a v e N e v e r E ve n  Kissed  a

  Gi r l .

11.

  B e s t L iv e C o n c e r t , L i p - s y n c h e d t o P r e - r e c o r d e d V o c a l s ,

W i t h P r e - t a p e d M u s i c a n d P r e - p r o g r a m m e d S y n t h e s i z e r s

12 .  B e s t " F a c e - s a v i n g " E x c u s e f o r R e t u r n i n g to O l d B a n d A f t e

So l o Ca ree r F i zz l es .

13 .  Best N e w Rock Gro up Tha t W i l l be Sp l i t up i n S i x M on t hs

B e c a u s e T h e y C a n 't H a n d l e S u c c e s s .

8/17/2019 MAD326

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I C A N ' T B E L I E V E I T ' S N O T B E T T E R P E P T .

W e a l l g o t h r o u g h b a d t i m e s . F o r t u n a t e l y , t h e s e

b a d t im e s u s u a l l y l e a d t o g o o d t i m e s , e x c e p t w h e n

t h e y d o n ' t a n d t he y l e a d t o m o r e b a d t i m e s , o r e v e n

w o r s e t i m e s , w h i c h , s o m e t i m e s , l e a d t o t h e w o r st o f

w o r s e t i m e s W h i c h i s o u r w a y o f in t r o d u c i n g . . .

Street mimes...Suck\

mw

8/17/2019 MAD326

13/50

  W S N

  E T asm romoL. M H  m m  w®

8/17/2019 MAD326

14/50

NTING OUR SPLEEN DEPT

i r s t c a m e V a n H e l e n s p o p u l a r s o n g a n d v i d e o " R I G H T N O W

  it w a s C l e a r P e p s i' s " R I G H T N O W " T V C o m m e r c ia l , b a s e d o

n ' s p o p u l a r s o n g a n d v i d e o , " R I G H T N O W . " R i g h t n o

I

DIG ITA L A RTIS T: S A M V IV I

R IG H T N O W R IG H T N O W

JACK NICHOLSON

IS SPENDING M ONEY

I

YOU

 SHELLED OUT FOR

SOM E PIECE OF B ATM AN

[  -%, . / .J

CRAP Y OUR DOG CHEW ED

8/17/2019 MAD326

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  o u r t u rn t o t a k e a sho t a t V a n H a l e n ' s p o p u l a r so n g a n d v i d e

G H T N O W / ' w h i l e m a k i n g a b s o l u t e l y n o re f e r e n c e to C l e

i' s " RIG H T N O W " T V C o m m e r cia l W e b o l d l y c a l l t his a r t i c l e

G H T N O W R IG H T N O W

  one

  w r o n g k e y s t r o k e t ha t ,

• H  • - - - ,

n o w co u ld e i ther la nd :

u in P r i s o n . . . o r d o n o t h i n g

  At

  al l Sj*

M E D I O C R E - T O - A W j I l

AMATEUR BASKETBALL

PLAYERS ARE

W A S T I N G $ 1 2 5

ON SNEAKERS

THAT NOT ONLY

WON'T IM PROVE

THEIR GA ME —

BUT AL SO NEGATE

ONE OF THEIR

BEST EXCUSES

•

INSTRUCTORS

ATTERRORIST

T R A I N I N G

CAMPS ALL

OVER THE

WORLD ARE

REMINDING

THEIR CAR-

B O M B I N G

P U P I L S :

NEVER, NEVER,

EVER  U S E

INSTRUCTORS

ATTERRORIST

T R A I N I N G

CAMPS

  ALL

OVER  T H E

WORLD

 ARE

REMINDING

A

  THEIR  CA R- ^

^ B O M B I N G . v V *

^ P U P I L S

flfflj*

8/17/2019 MAD326

16/50

RIGHT  N O W

goers

a r e

secretly

hoping

o n e o f

those

elephants

takes

 a

50-lb.

dump

o n t he

Midget

Clown

YUG

OWNE

A

BERIN

WH

EFFE

RIGHT  N O W i  RIGHT  N O W

PAWN

SHOPS

I

ARE .

BEING

FLOODED

WITH  / >

SLIGHTLY-

USED

TENOR

SAXOPHONES

FROM

TRENDY

DEMOCRATS

WH O

OVERESTIMATED

THEIR

\  - »

MUSICAL

ABILITIES

SERIAL KILLERS

  A R E

  PAUSIN

BETWEEN

  S T A B S ,

  SLASHES

  O

HACKS

  T O

  PONDER JUST

  W H

SHOULD PLAY THEM  IN THE

MOVIE BASED  O N  THEIR  CRIME

i^fcr]

8/17/2019 MAD326

17/50

T A L E S F R O M T H E P U C K S I D E D E P T .

T H E G O O F Y G A L A P A G O S G O O N S Q U A D

A RTIS T A ND WRITE R: DUCK E DWING

8/17/2019 MAD326

18/50

T H E Y ' R E T H E D I S E A S E A N D W E ' R E T H E C U R A T O R D E P T .

Visitors to our nation's capital delight in catching a glimpse of Am erica's wri

national symbol. No antbrain, n ot Strom Thurmond The California Raisins Those da

purple fruits are now strutting their stuff in the Sm ithsonian, next to the Apollo

When The Simthsonmn

8/17/2019 MAD326

19/50

and the Spirit of St. Louis, as an "exam ple of pop c ulture.

9

* That's right, we

now the only nation on the face of the planet with clay raisins on display in a

museum And we can only imagine what other crapola they'll put in there...

 An Advertisin

Th e Brain o f the Guy

W h o Wrote , "Th i s I s

Your Brain— This Is

Your Brain On Dru gs. '

A lb a Brocco l in i , th e O n ly

Girl in Earth's History

to Actual ly Ask H er

Moth er I f S h e Do u ch es

Getting

 stuck sitting in

 the middle

 of

 the

 back

 seat

 ofa

car. so

 your

 feet are on that hump

 and your

 knees are

touching your

 chin... Sucks

8/17/2019 MAD326

20/50

S E R G E - I N G E N E R A L P E P T .

e r

8/17/2019 MAD326

21/50

8/17/2019 MAD326

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• i iD

>©

8/17/2019 MAD326

23/50

8/17/2019 MAD326

24/50

 sure are different

 nowadays.

  It used to be that parents  IF M P A M

  M P ^ ^ % I ^ %

  J l

 

 aspirations

 for their

 kids. They

 scrimped and

 saved

 to

  MP

#1 11 #11 , *j

 llf fl

|

 their kids to

 college

 so that

 they

 would

 be  assured a

 good

  , ' , ' J J J ,  Âvll PVI U

 and a bright future. But that American dream

 I s

 now dead.

N E W

GO TO COLLEGE

I

BE

THE SCIENCES

AND MAJOR IN

i z r _ l

Getting someone else

to pay for it, or you

might

 as well...

BUSINESS

T

LIBERAL ARTS

r

W HERE Y OU LE

I

HOW M UCH

MATH

THEY EXPECT

YOU TO TAKE

I

LIBERAL

HIG

GRADUATE

WHAT COLLEGE

GRADS USED TO

DO WHEN THERE

WERE STILL J OB S

FOR THEM

YOU

SW ITCH

MA JORS

CLEVER

PHRASES

THAT'LL

HELP YOU

GET  DATES

NOTHING

DROP OUT

AFTER

ONE

SEMESTER

AND:

USE   B R IB E RY

TO GET

PASSING   GRADES

APPLY

 for

 EVERY

DECENT-PAYING JOB

IN AMERICA

and get:

W HICH TAKES

E XT RA M O N E Y

f o r c i n g y ou

 to:

GOTO

W OR

AT

REJECTED

SO YOU:

M OVE TO

MEXICO

•

ANDTAKE YOUR

DAD S OLD JOB

W HICH MOVED SOUTH

AND NOW PAYS

$ 3 . 0 0 A W E E K

JAPAN

AND PAY $75 ,00 0

A M ONTH FOR

A NICE

STUD IO APT.

G E R M A N

•

AND HAVE

OF EVER

PAYCHEC

TAKEN O

FOR TAX

AND FINALLY END UP ...

8/17/2019 MAD326

25/50

E A M C A R E E R F W T H C H A R T

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: MIKE SNIDE

STAY AT HOM E

  A N D

  SPONGE OFF  YOUR PARENTS

~ 1 ~

DON'T GRADUATE

SERVE FOUR

YEARS  N THE

ARMY

THEY

CROAK

UNTIL

HZ

THEY KICK

YOU OUT

THEY START

TO "CRAM P

YOUR STYLE"

AND

 THEN

l eav ing

no one to

pay your

bi l ls

Remember ing to

change the

l oc ks th i s t ime

IF  Y O U  KNOW

WHAT

WE MEAN

LONELY

Z3 I

UNABLE   T O  SPEAK

JAPANESE GERMAN

 W A N DE R t h e  STREETS

r

UNTIL YOU SPOT THE

FAMILIAR

"GOLDEN ARC HES"

AND

FORCING YOU TO:

•

J

c

START YOUR OWN

ROCK

BAND

1

BURGLARY

RING

LAW N CARE

B USINESS

AND GET

AND GET

Screwed

out of

$$$by

CLUB

OWNERS

s o

  you

have to:

1

Addicted

to

DRUGS

AND GET

Shot by

"RAMBO"

the home

owner

CAUGHT

by the

POLICE

terminal

HAY

FEVER

1

NAILED

 by

97 gov't

agencies

for not

fi l l ing out

proper

forms

GO t o  the  HOSPiTAL

GO t o JAIL

wh ich BANKRUPTS

both   Y O U  and

YOUR FAMILY

so you ALL  have to:

ESCAPE

surviving

O N T H E

  RUN

f rom town

to town

as you :

ge t

  O U T

  and

enter an

EX-CON

JOB

TRAINING

program w hich

sends you to:

8/17/2019 MAD326

26/50

If your current financial

situation forces you to

wait awhile before having

akid  ...IT'SARECESSION

If your current financial

situation forces you to

wait awhile before feeding

your  kid...

  ITS

 A

 DEPRESSION

If you can't afford to repla

that broken-do wn refrigera

of yours..  IT'SARECESSION

 IS A PENNY YEARNED PEPT

s a n o ld sa y in g t h a t go e s , 'A re c e s s ion i s

e n y o u r n e i g h b o r l o s e s h i s jo b — a d e p r e s s i o n

e r s d o n 't h a v e j o b s a n y w a y w e t h o u g h t w e ' d

If you like Sunda ys

because it gives you

a break before you have

to start the job hunt

again.  .IT'SARECESSION

If you like Sundays

because the newspapers

are the thickest and

warmest that day...

ITS

 A

 DEPRESSION

If Ted K oppel hosts an

economic summit in orde

to discuss the merits

ofK eynesian theory on

the current crisis...

IT'SARECESSION

8/17/2019 MAD326

27/50

If a .255, 14-homer

hitter signs  a  5-year,

36-million-dollar

contract.

  . IT'S A RECESSION

If you re fighting other

vagrants over  the box  it

me

  in...

  ITS A DEPRESSION

If the same player signs

the same contract—but

the fifth year isn t

guaranteed...

  ITS A DEPRESSIO

If Ted Koppel wipes

a greasy rag across

your windshield...

rrs  A D E P R E S S IO N

If the biggest business

deal you pulled off in

the last year was just

one-fourth of what it was

in 1988...

  IT'S A RECESSION

•

  •

ARTIST:  PAUL COKER WRITER: DESMOND DEVL

If your biggest deal in

the past year was trading

Ventnor Avenue and the

Water Works for Park

Place...

  ITS A DEPRESSION

 

8/17/2019 MAD326

28/50

If you're supple

menting your diet

clipping coupo ns...

IT'S

 A

 RECESSION

If you're supple

menting your diet

by eating coupons..

ITS A DEPRESSION

If you have to

move back in with

your parents...

IT'S A RECESSION

If mom 's in the front

seat,

  dad's in the

back

  seat,

  and you

get the trunk...

IT S A DEPRESSION

If the tellers down

at the savings bank

even recognize

you anymore...

IT'S A RECESSION

If the gang down at

the blood bank gives

you high fives and

your "usual table"...

ITS A DEPRESSION

If you can't

eat out as often as

you used to...

IT'S

 A

 RECESSION

If you eat out much

more often than you

used to—only out

of dumpsters...

ITS A DEPRESSION

8/17/2019 MAD326

29/50

BERG'S-EYE V I EW DEPT.

THE

 LIGHTER SIDE

 OF.

ARTIST AND WRITER: DAVE BER

T E C H N O L O G Y

Thanks for b eing so  p a t i e n t But 1 j ,

I think I 've go t the

 h a n g

 of this I

n e w  c o m p u t e r iz e d  cash register

": looks l ike it 's

 w o r k in g

 f i ne . . .

your b i l l is e igh teen tho usa nd

do l l a r s a n d   fo r ty - thr e e ce n ts

M E N D A T I O N S

Steve, I asked Tracy Per sof f

to go to the dance Saturday

nigh t , but she tu rn ed me

do wn Now I'm stuck Do

you know someone   I can ask?

There's

Kathy

Jo rdan

Why not

ask her?

Kathy, I 'd l ike someone

to go to the da nce

w i t h Sa t u rday n i gh t

I'd like

that

too l

Gee,

  I don ' t kno w an yone,

but I was hoping you 'd

know a g i r l  I can ask

8/17/2019 MAD326

30/50

S U P E R S T I T I O N

It's

 my da u ghte r 's

  f i f teenth

b i r t hday t omor ro w Do you

have any  suggestions?

The bes t th ins is to bu y

her somethin g that she

wou ldn ' t buy f o r herself

Are you kidding?  There's

n o th i n g

 she

 wou ldn ' t

bu y

 f o r herself

D o n ' t

 eve r

 o p e n

 a n

umbrella inside

th e house It

br ings

 bad luck

Th e

 b a

luck

already

a r r i v e d

M E R V A C A T I O N F A S H I O N

What a

 wi ld scene

When the f inal

 be l l

r ang in schoo l

 today, everyon e

 r a n o u t

of the bu i ld ing ye l l i n g and  screa ming

You'd think th e t e a che rs  wou l d

have

 mor e d i gn i ty

  than

 t h a t

Since  b e l l b o t t o m s  a re coming  back

in style , I though t I cou l d  sa v e

m o n e y

 by t rying on the

 c l o the s

in  th e  a t t i c The t rouble is

all the p a n t s a re  t o o t ig h t

Too

t ight

aroun

the

waist

DIFFERENCES

M o m , Bernie Buda

a ske d me t o

marry

  him

What

do yo u th ink?

B e f o r e

  you give him your

dec is ion,

 the most

i mpor t a n t thi n g  you

must c o n s i de r t o d a y  is. . .

... is

 he

 the

 ma n

 you'd want

you r children

 t o

  spe n d

e v e r y o t h e r w e e k e n d wi th?

Do you

  be l i e v e

  the

co lo r o f

  the

  wa t e r

in this  lake?   Talk

about  pol lut i i

I kn ow

There's

only

  two kinds

8/17/2019 MAD326

31/50

Lookers—people wh o carefully examine thei

Kleenex after blowing their nose into

 it...

 Su

IN - LA W S

Brian,

 I need yo ur

 a d v i c e

I got so

 a n g ry

 at my

boss I

 really

  t o ld

h er o f f

W h a t

 do

yo u  th ink I should I do?

If I we re

 y o u ,

 Lisa F itterman,

Id march r ight back

 to

 her

of f i ce and

 humble

 mysel f

Id

get dow n on my knees and

 b e g

he r to fo rg ive my s tu pid i ty

I need yo ur

  ad v ice

C R IM E

H ow do you l ike the  n e r v e  of

this  guy? He says  he's the

one who

  broke in

 last

month and

 s t o l e

 o ur

 TV set

That  is nerve

What's he

ca l l ing

 about?

The

 s e t

 isn't

 w o r ki n g w e l l

He wants

 to

 k n o w

 w h e r e  we

got

  it

 so he can

 exch ang e

it  for

 a brand

 n e w o n e

8/17/2019 MAD326

32/50

Joe, you're be ing ver y

n e g a t i v e   again You

should be taking a

more   pos i t i v e a t t i t ude

Are yo u k idd ing? No

o n e

 arou nd here has

a mor e pos i t i v e

a t t i t u d e t ha n I d o

I'm p o sit ive  I have the  wo rst luck

I'm positive

 It'll

 n e v e r cha n ge

I'm p os it ive   life is  passing me by

I'm

 posi t i ve

  I'm just a

 bo r n l ose r

Ka pu tn i k ,  I 'm pu t t ing yo u on

this

 n e w me di ca t i on I wa n t

y o u t o c o n t i n u e   taking  it

unt i l you've u s e d  i t a l l up

8/17/2019 MAD326

33/50

J O K E A N D D A G G E R D E P T .

8/17/2019 MAD326

34/50

D E V I C E A G E P E P T .

WHAT

IF

T E C H N O L O G Y

What if  Moses

had a Fax Machine

What if

 Alexander Graham

Bell had Call Waiting

What if

 Medieval Knights

had Refrigerator Magnets

8/17/2019 MAD326

35/50

HISTORY? ?

ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL

«gp

  v

What if Adam and Eve

had Post-It Notes

W hat if Vincent Van

Gogh had a Walkman

" ^

^ ^

nnnfflfflgnnnnnangnia

fLIGHT

  IA V ftRz f

imAt

c

< w L g \ ^ s-

< = ^ >

> >

W \

i ' ^fr

t n — 

^-Jg

^ j ^ ^ j ^ * ^

D

feJ-

  J

BEEP IFBSM

UND,

  BEEP

BEEP IF 

2> H  SBM

m   c^>

V   \ _ _ ^ ^ | ^ § 2

What if

 N ero had

a Karaoke Machine

What if

 Paul

Revere had a Pager

8/17/2019 MAD326

36/50

A D H E R E T O D A Y . G O N E T O M O R R O W D E P T .

People who

 answer

 their call

 wait

an d

 forget they are talking to

 you.

Society tells us that if we "play by the rules" we will always get ahead in life. Well,

we've been playing by the ru les and we haven't gotten   anywhere  for ou r trou bles It's the

people w ho don't "play by the rules" tha t seem to be getting ahead , while shm oes like us

go nowhere Is the only way to w in the g am e of life to ch eat? It kin da m ak es you wonder...

W h a t D o e s it Say A bout

P laying b y th e R ules W h en . ..ARTIST: SA M VIVIA NO WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

...America's current "National Hero" and "Elder Statesman"

are two schmucks who barely escaped serving time in jail?

. . . the col lege coaches who often pract ice

"grade fixing" and illegal recruiting can almost

always boast having team s with winning records?

8/17/2019 MAD326

37/50

...hoodlums who flunk a grade are p romoted,

just so the teacher can be rid of them?

...supermarket tabloids make tons of money

telling lies while papers that practice

responsible reporting are going bankrupt?

...people who dutifully pay for car insurance also wind

up paying for dam ages caused by deadbeats who don't?

...a tennis player who curses, screams,

and even spits at officials gets paid

big bucks for comm ercial endo rsements

because he's a "highly visible" player?

...the only Miss America in the last 25

years to get anywhere in Show Biz is the

one who posed starkers in  Penthouse?

...jerks who smuggle every piece of luggage they own

onto the plane as "carry on" usually get away with it?

8/17/2019 MAD326

38/50

Exercycling M in u s A Sa ddle

P A I N ' S W O R L D P E P T .

The fa mo us s l oga n i n phys i c a l f i t ne s s i s , "No pa i n

gain." Similarly, a macoch ist is one who derives a twi

perv erse pleasu re in their own suffering. It stand s to re

Exercising W ith A Hiba chi Ste pma ste r

Stretch Exercising In B a ggy Pan tyho se Do ing Pushups Ov er A B u sted Septic Tan

8/17/2019 MAD326

39/50

.-/JZtfZg

Aerobic Dan cin g W ith A

Temperamenta l Pi tbul l

8/17/2019 MAD326

40/50

It's

 a

 mean tough world out there, but you w ouldn't know it read

the daily comics Well, enough is enough , and

 MAD

 think s it's

mm  DW

wmsss

 

By Cathy Gesundhe

MOM, m

 TWO

MONTHS PREGNANT

AND I'M GETTING

AN ABORJ10N.

(Ses^dheit

I M S DATE-RAPED/ l't(\ NOT

EVEN SURE LUHO THE FATHER,

IS.'THE BABY ML l BE ILLE

GITIMATE .' I' M GETTING AN

ABORTION AND YOU CAN'T

STOP M E.'

NOT SO,

 DARLING.

 TWO

PRO-LIFERS ARE MOVING IN

WITH YOU TO PREVENT YOU

FROM VI0LATIN6 THE  WILL

0F60D. e>ye .

M l

WHV CANT

SHE LEAVE

 ME

ALONE?

THE NEED

 TO BE A

GRANDMOTHER

OVERRIDES

ALL ELSE.

G R THE HORRIB LE

By DIS BROWN

AN ENTIRE V IU A S 0 /

f PREFER

T

8/17/2019 MAD326

41/50

rlie Brown, Hagar and the othe rs to exit the age of innocence

nter the age of reality This said, let's see what we'd have...

When

  someone is talking to you. and a little drop of s

amies fly in 'out of their mouth and lands right on yo

lip... Sucks

I  MAKE 6URE LORETTA WALK"? NEAREST THE

 CUR

\H CA$e

  THERE2 A PRIVE-BY

 $hOO T\H6 "

By SCHLIT

I'M A FAILURE AT LIFE, MV

BAS EB ALL TEAM IS IN LAST

PLACE. THE

 LITTLE F?EP-HAIREP

6IRL POESN'T KNOCU

 1

 EXIST,

A ND M V P O 0 —

HOLP IT/ PO VOU MAVE HEALTH

INSURANCE COVERA GE ? PO VOU

HAVE SOUR UNIVERSAL MEPICAL

CARP WITH VOU

 ?

 ARE VOU A PART

OP T HE   H M O   I BE LON G T O ? ARE

VOU PREPAREPTOMAKE CO-PAV-

^ ^ M E N T S IF N EC ES SA RV

  ?

WEV PO NT BLAME M E / BLAME

BILL ANP HILLARV CLINTO N

ANP THEIR STU PIP HEALTH

CARE PLAN,

8/17/2019 MAD326

42/50

B y Gary Larseny ZIGGY

By TOM KILSUM

LA. wolf pol ice.

| \ 3 | PATHETIC

• • • •

" / g x ^ / < ^ & ( g ^

By M ARTIN B LANDFORD

8/17/2019 MAD326

43/50

A H I G H P R I C E T O U P E E D E P T .

Burning

  the

 roof of your

 mouth SO

 h ad that a little

 piece

 of

skin

 hangs

 down an d flaps arou nd for, like two

 days...

 S u c k s

I n t h e o l d d a y s , w h e n y o u h a d a n a c c i d e n t o r p e r s o n a l t r a g e d y , y o u c a l l e d t h e p o l i c e a n d

w i t h in m in u t e s c o p s , f i re m e n a n d m e d i ca l p e r s o n n e l w e r e a t y o u r d o o r t o he l p y o u . B u t

t h e s e d a y s , e v e r y t h i n g is s h o w b i z . C a l l f o r h e l p a n d a l o n g w i t h t h e co p s c o m e t e l e v i s io n

p r o d u c e r s w i t h l ig h t s a n d c a m e r a s , r e a d y t o v i d e o y o u r p a i n , m i s e r y a n d s u f f e r i n g in t h e

n a m e o f p r im e t im e e n t e r t a i n m e n t B e f o r e w a r n e d . N e x t t im e d i sa s t e r s t r i ke s y o u , y o u

m i g h t e a s i l y f in d y o u r s e l f in a n e v e n b ig g e r d i s a s t e r — t h e t e l e v i s io n s h o w w e   c a l l . . .

M I S C U E 9 1 I

RTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: DICK DEBARTO

Good evening I'm William

Shatter The scenes you are

about to see involve real

people No actors were used

This is because actors cost

real money, and we can get

real people for no money

I've been in this hole

longer re-creating this

scene than when I was

really trapped I 'm tired

and hungry Can't I

please, please go home?

Hey, there are

a mil l ion 911

stories each week

You're damn lucky

we picked yours

So shut up

Although some real footage

is used, to heighten the

dramatic effect, we re-create

re-write, re-edit, make-up,

add to, change, alter and

fabricate addit ional "facts"

Hang a

litt le

further

over

the

ledge

~~r~

But I could be killed

Besides, this is where I

actually landed when my

safety belt broke during

my real 911 emergency

What a wuss Prop

department, see if

you can get some bats

to fly in his face while

he's hanging on This

scene needs more zap

Of course, the tense background

music and dramatic "stingsV you'll

hear throughout this show were not

present during the actual emergency

—except for the time a tidal wave

hit the Miami Philharmonic

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Now that we got that ever recurring scene of the tape machine out of

the way, let 's go back to the hiking story Ama zingly, the victim turns

out to be DeFrosted Kelly, a man I 've worked with many times in the past

nine decades Let's beam dow n to DeFrosted as he picks up the story

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The salesman had

  n eve r b een invo l ved

  in

  an emer

gency situat ion before,  and  he   was   very nervous

m

W hi le wa i t i n g  for assistance, the salesman

wa i te d

  on two ira te customers who were rea l

short

  on compass ion M eanw hi le ,

  DeFrosted

Kelly,   seeing a   police car  passing by,  waved

his hands to signal them   and  broke his wrist

A call comes in to the

  Beverly Hil ls Police

D ep ar tmen t Th e  party  cal l ing  is lucky to

have the i r  phone number ,   because it 's  unlist

ed—as

  you

  might expect

  in

  Beverly Hil ls

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$ *

2i

)

In

  the

  woods, a t ree has fa l l en ,

  creating a

bridge   over a ravine Some kids  crawl  over

th e

  fa l l en t runk

  to get

  t o

  th e

  other side

Th e

  biggest boy is afraid

  to try

because he's  heavier  than the  rest,

but  he decides  to  chance i t anyway

fe

Y

k

Putting this

  "free ice cream"

booth over here   did   th e  trick

Nothing's

  going to

  stop

  these

kids from   crawling over  that

ro t t ed out t ree branch

\i ^B&Kc^-

But when  Sam Friedman   got to the  middle   of the  t ree t runk

it

  started

  t o

  break

A passerby cal led

  9 11

  on h is por tab le

phone—we   intercepted  the cal l and  sent a camera crew first

y

*i&a£U8i£&. yzjaKiaz&ss&z

t^\

• I ' l l  II '" \S

We learned a

  powerfu l

  lesson that day No matter

h o w   dramatic  the shot wil l look on TV,  don ' t t ake

chances Ou r came raman d id An d he was  fired—

for losing

  a 30 thousand do l lar

  v id eo camera

When the 911 f i lm crew got there, the   first thing  they d id was

cl imb a b ranch

  a b o v e

  Sam to

  get dramatic shots

  of him

  b e l ow

They had to   work fast  tho ugh Sam cou ld be  rescued any

minute   w h i c h w o u l d  mess up everything   fo r  u s

E B E Z Z Z Z B B ^ gc ^ E E z :

Don' t move Your  weight  is  a ll   that branch can take

Now listen  careful ly I'm going to   lower  this  50 pound

video camera

  down to you Hang on to it and use it to

shoot some footage   straight down,  so the audience can

see the

  dangerous

  an d

  helpless position

  you are in

Timmy, if you saw

th e  house   was on

fire,   why   didn't

you

  call 911???

It's

  your

  fault After I spent

  $187

phoning the  WWF H o t l i n e ,  you told me

n e v e r  to call a   9 00 nu mber aga in

I was only

  following your orders

6

Inadvertently touching the underside of a chair or table in

a public place and feeling Cod knows what... Sucks

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^ A \ N

  r

2 a.m . M rs. Chic Glitz

  is abo ut to g ive

  birth Her husband puts

  her in the

  back seat of

  th e

  family car, but

  th e

  car won' t star

Frant ica l ly , he ca l ls 91 1 The personne l there

  ca n

  r ead

  important instruct ions f rom

  emergency manua ls

  to the

  lay person

O ur  " b ang up "  f inale takes us to a stretch of   highway  in

Arizon a A c lear

  road is

  suddenly

  turned in to a

demol i t ion derby

As we drove our

  video truck

  at

  breakneck

speed

  down the

  wrong

  side of the

  highway,

  into the

  o n

coming traffic, we

  not i ced

  vehicles

  speeding right and left,

an d

  sliding

  r ight

  o ff

  th e

  r oad

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W H A T I S F A S T

C I N G C A N D Y

I N E

F T M O R E A N D

M O R E W O M E N

D E S I R E

H E R E W E G O W I T H A N O T H E R R ID I C U L O U S

M AD FOLD-IN

W o m e n a r e si ck o f r e c e i v i n g f a t t e n i n g c a n d y a n d q u i c k

w i l t i n g f l o w e r s e v e r y V a l e n t i n e ' s D a y . I n t h e s e p r a c t i c a l t i m e s

t h e y s e e k a m o r e s e n s i b l e k i n d o f g i f t , l b f i n d o u t e x a c t l y

w h a t t h a t s p e c i a l s o m e t h i n g i s , f o l d p a g e in a s s h o w n . . .

FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT

<

  B   FOLD B ACK  SO "A" MEETS

CANDY IS NOT THE GIFT A GIR LFR IEN D OR M OTHER

P R E F E R S ON V A L E N T I N E ' S D A Y . I T ' S W E L L K N O W N

HOW DIET CONSCIOUS W OM EN ARE. THEY ARE DEM AND

IN G M U C H B E T TE R P R E S E N T S . T H I S IS W H A T

GUYS M UST B UY IN ORDER TO PLEASE THEIR W OM EN.

A V

 

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