talking to your six- to eight-year-old clip-and-save … · talking to your six- to eight-year-old...

✁ CLIP-AND-SAVE GUIDE

Talking to Your Six- to Eight-Year-Old About Adoption

Ithink things that you don’t know about!” my daughter,Sasha, informed me soon after she turned six. She wasletting me know that she was becoming aware of herselfas a person separate from me. By this age, children arestarting school. Peers and teachers begin to influence

their view of the world and of themselves. Children take on newroles—of pupil, classmate, friend—and they begin to questionwhere, exactly, they fit in the world.

At this age, your child is likely to realize that most childrenwere not adopted into their families. Remember: your child isn’tthe only one tuning into the world outside his home. Yourchild’s classmates, too, are becoming more curious about thepeople around them. They are likely to ask your child blunt ques-tions about himself and his family. The more prepared your childis with answers, the better.

Understanding why their birthparents were not able to raisethem is an important task for children this age. They may con-nect being adopted by one family with being “rejected” byanother. If you’ve been talking about adoption in a loving way,you’ll be ready for this stage, but you’ll have more direct ques-tions now. Answer honestly, and be as concrete as you can inyour descriptions of your child’s birthparents, what their life waslike, and why they weren’t able to raise a child. These discussionsgo hand-in-hand with reassuring your child that you will alwaysbe there to take care of her—that adoption is forever. This mes-sage is more important than ever before.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MY CHILD?

Identity is more complex.• Children at this age thinkmore abstractly, asking, • “Who am I apart from myparents? How am I like mybirthparents?”• “How am I different frommy classmates?”

Associating “special” with “different.”• A preschooler may see heradoption as special, but anolder child sees the otherside of special: different.• At school age, childrengrasp that most children livewith their birthparents. • They begin to process thefact that their birthparentschose not to raise them.

Mingling fantasy and reality.• Changing facts is a strategychildren use to protect them-selves from realities theyaren’t ready to cope with. • Your child might say, “Mybirthmother was a princess.”

Emerging fears.• Children this age under-stand how helpless they’d beif their parents were to die. • Fear of kidnapping mayreveal deeper fears that shewas kidnapped from herbirthparents—and could bekidnapped back.

AND WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

Help your child gatherwhat you know about herbirthparents.• Highlight attributes shemight share with them:• “Your birthmother must bevery beautiful and athletic.”• Make a scrapbook.

Normalize your family bysocializing with other adop-tive families.• Be open to ambivalenceabout having been adopted.• You might say, “It’s okay.We all feel sad when we’velost something or someone.”• Show how to express feel-ings constructively: “It’s okayto say you are mad. It’s notokay to hit your sister.”

Don’t directly contradictyour child’s fantasy.• It is playing an importantrole in her development.• Say: “It’s okay to pretend.I can see why you’d want tomake the story happier.”

Reassure your child that noone can take him away.• Show him his adoptioncertificate. • Describe concretely why hewas placed for adoption. • Share a birthmother’s let-ter describing why she was-n’t able to raise a child.

BY SUSAN SAIDMAN

Susan Saidman is a mother by adoption to 10-year-old Sasha. Shedirects a domestic adoption program for Adoptions Together inSilver Spring, Maryland.

T.I.P. = Tell, Ignore, Keep It Private

This acronym helps children remember that they can choosewhom they do and do not want to share personal informationwith. For example, if a schoolmate asks, “Why did your realmother give you up?” Your child will know that he canchoose among the following options:

TELL: “My birthmother was not able to take care of me.”

IGNORE: and don’t answer; change the subject.

KEEP IT PRIVATE: “That’s a private story.”

More and more as they mature, our chil-dren note how we react to commentsfrom strangers and others about adop-tion. Developing polite and humorousresponses to absurd comments is a pow-erful tool for managing our own feelingsand setting an example for our children.

As kids become aware of how many dif-ferent sorts of families there are, it’simportant to emphasize that adoptionis a great way to make a family, thattheir birthparents are good and lovingpeople, and that they can feel proud ofthemselves. You can do this by:

✦ reading books or renting videos withadoption themes, such as Anne of GreenGables, Superman, and Free Willy.

✦ making cards for birthparents on

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

✦ collecting pictures of themselves theywant their birthparents to see.

✦ talking about birthparents, theircountry/culture/race/background.

✦ imagining birthparents, if you don’tknow them. What must they look like?Which interests might they share withyour child? Invite your child to draw apicture of what they might look like.

✦ showing compassion and acceptance

of difficult circumstances that led birth-parents to place their child for adoption.

✦ making connections with role modelswho share your child’s racial or ethnicbackground, famous and not.

✦ reminding children about how muchdeceased people in your family lovedthem or would have loved them. Theseloving figures become inner resources.

✦ putting a map on the wall showing allthe places your family comes from.

✦✦✦ Affirming Activities for Parents and Children

What if my child says…?“I must have been a bad baby for my mom to giveme away.” Resist arguing with a comment such as “No, you werea wonderful baby.” But correct misperceptions: “It’s nothing youdid that made your birthmother plan adoption. All babies are good,but they need to be taken care of.” (This is a good time to makeexamples of the babies you know in the neighborhood.) “Yourbirthmother wasn’t able to take care of you.”

SMILEBE GENTLE AND HUMOROUS

CLIP-AND-SAVE GUIDE

Difficult questions will come up atschool, when we’re not around to helpour children formulate a response. Youcan support your child and help createa positive environment at school by:

� volunteering to talk about adoptionin your child’s class.

� preparing a program for teachers orinviting a local agency that has a post-adoption program to come in and talkwith teachers about how to expand andmodify assignments that might be diffi-cult for adoptive families.

� exploring educational resources avail-able for children, teachers, and parents atwww.adoptivefamilies.com. Click on“How I Explained Adoption to the FirstGrade” or one of the other Classic Clip-and-Save articles on the home page.

Becoming a School Advocate

ILLU

STRA

TION

BY

WOO

K JI

N JU

NG