victims, villains and heroes managing emotions in the workplace

Victims, Villains and Heroes

Managing Emotions in the Workplace

Victims, Villains and Heroes

Managing Emotions in the Workplace

• Business and employment practices attorney

since 1983.

• President, Employer Advisors Network, Inc.

• Developer of the HR That Works program

endorsed by Vistage and used by 2700+

companies.

• Author of three books on management.

• More than 300 presentations to executives.

• Live in Coronado, Ca

• Married with 3 sons.

Don Phin, Esq.Don Phin, Esq.

Shakespeare said…Shakespeare said…

All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

And one man in his time plays many parts.”

As You Like It

Victim Villain Hero

The Plot

Portrait of a VictimPortrait of a Victim

• grief

• powerlessness

• low self esteem

• submissiveness

• anguish

• fearfulness

• suffering

• pain & suffering

• hopelessness

• feeling rejected

• incapacity

• naiveté

• fragility

• dependency

• depression

• “culture of silence”

Underneath the Victim’s Pain Lies…

Underneath the Victim’s Pain Lies…

• vulnerability

• devotion

• faithfulness

• receptivity

• gratefulness

• love

• sensitivity

• tenderness

• purity

• sweetness

• appreciation

• caring

Why Do We Play Victim?Why Do We Play Victim?

…because it feels good!

Becoming a VictimBecoming a Victim

• born that way

• traumas in youth

• workplace history

Dark Side of the VictimDark Side of the Victim

• dishonest

• irresponsible

• compulsive

Victims in the WorkplaceVictims in the Workplace

• 100 year battle

• control is main theme

• manifested in legal system

1900’s1900’s

1900’s1900’s

1930’s1930’s

RaceRace

AgeAge

SexSex

DisabilitiesDisabilities

DilbertDilbert

Lawsuit Explosion!Lawsuit Explosion!

• thousands of claims

• employees win more than half

• lottery like mentality

Portrait of a VillainPortrait of a Villain

• uncaring

• selfish

• addicted

• charming

• scheming

• moves with great speed

• cruel

• flattering

• arrogant

• seductive

• intolerant

• draining energy

Positive Side of the VillainPositive Side of the Villain

• fun• adventurous• clever• mischievous• great

communicator

• risk taker• great negotiator• wealthy• irresistible• takes what he or

she wants

But… it never lasts!

Making of a VillainMaking of a Villain

• tired of being a victim

• sucked in by a villain

• shut down their feelings

• hurl their pain at others

Villains in the WorkplaceVillains in the Workplace

• bosses

• harassers and abusers

• consultants

Bosses & Other ReptilesBosses & Other Reptiles

Never Work for a JerkNever Work for a Jerk

Handling the Serious VillainHandling the Serious Villain

• avoid the physical

• use inner strength

• expose them

• get help!

What Role Do You Think You Play??

What Role Do You Think You Play??

Portrait of a HeroPortrait of a Hero

• caring

• powerful

• persevering

• helpful

• responsible

• idealistic

• honest

• in control

• determined

• compassionate

• sacrificing

• inspiring

• giving

• disciplined

• humble

• self-sacrificing

The Making of a HeroThe Making of a Hero

• the drive to triumph

• hero role models

• motivated by a cause

• extreme circumstances

Dark Side of the HeroDark Side of the Hero

• over-controlling• gullible• always exhausted• feels justified in

being angry • gives but can’t

receive• own’s others

problems

• overly idealistic• obsessive• perfectionist• neglects family for

“the cause”• detached from

feelings• murderous

Heroes in the WorkplaceHeroes in the Workplace

• union organizers

• lawyers and legislatures

• enlightened leaders

The Drama of WorkThe Drama of Work

• it’s a thriller

• at least two players

• rush to play the victim role

All 3 LieAll 3 Lie

Convict the LiarConvict the Liar

• feels unfair

• gather evidence

• ignites the triumph energy

You own 100% by yourself.

Relating at 50/50Relating at 50/50

Emotional InequalityEmotional Inequality

• 20%’rs (victims)

• 80%’rs (villains)

• 80%’rs (negative heroes)

The 20/20 RelationshipThe 20/20 Relationship

The 80/80 RelationshipThe 80/80 Relationship

The 80/20 RelationshipThe 80/20 Relationship

The 40/40 Relationship

Moving From 20% to 40%Moving From 20% to 40%

• coax, encourage and inspire

• focus on the efforts first

• you can’t save all

Moving from 80% to 40%Moving from 80% to 40%

• stop running

• become inclusive

• have faith!

BobBob

The KidThe Kid

Speaking For YourselfSpeaking For Yourself

• YOU, YOU, YOU

• use “I” words

• ask them to speak about their experience, not yours

Baby, Light My Fire Baby, Light My Fire

• procrastinate

• hurl your pain

• use their energy

Avoiding ConflictAvoiding Conflict

• “wow, that’s interesting!”

• get out of the line of fire

• walk and breath

Resolve Differences by…Resolve Differences by…

• wanting to resolve

differences

• we are both good people

• agreeing in advance

Remember this…Remember this…

… the role of the hero is to

allow others to become

their own heroes!

The RewardsThe Rewards

• the end of Ground Hog Day

• becoming our own hero

• living happily ever after

SummarySummary

• be aware of The Plot

• Goodness Triumphs Over Evil

• emotional heart space

• play 40/40!

VictimsVillainsandHeroes.comVictimsVillainsandHeroes.com

Contact InfoContact Info

• don@hrthatworks.com

• www.donphin.com

• www.hrthatworks.com

• (800) 234-3304