The scene opens in a small barbeque restaurant. Benji is doodling. Ms. (or Mr...) A. walks in.

Benji: Hi, welcome to Beach Bum's Barbecue, I’m Benji, how can I help you?

Ms A: (with an obnoxious northern accent) Hi, I’d like to place an order for Anelbeeochoquintz. Our extended family is renting a beach house, and we wanna order lunch.

Benji: Alright, not a problem, although it is the middle of the lunch rush, so the wait time might be...

Ms A: I want six dozen pork barbeque sandwiches with coleslaw, 14 pints of mashed potatoes, 3 bushels of mac and cheese, and a metric ton of fried okra.

Benji: We’re actually out of….

Ms A: (Irritated) A baker’s half dozen house salads with low fat, non-hydrogenated balsamic vinaigrette, and 144 piece bucket of fried chicken with no wings, thighs, legs or skin.

Benji: You said bakers’ half dozen..uh...when we’re you planning to pick this up?

Ms A: I’ll be back in 10 minutes. (Ms. A exits briskly)

Benji: But ma’am! (Ms. A walks out before he can protest) I guess I should tell the kitchen…

Ms. A: Is it ready yet?

Benji: Um, no. But in fairness, it’s only been a few seconds.

Ms. A: Oh my gaw-sh, you know that’s the problem with people in the south. You’re all lackadaisical, “Oh, I can’t be in a hurry,” “Oh, I have to hold the door for every single crippled person behind me.” Back in the North doors wait for nobody. Say, if the order isn’t ready, what are you doin’ just standing around?

Benji: Oh, I actually just take the orders. If you want to just sit down, we’ll have it out to you ASAP.

Ms. A: Yeah yeah, promises promises. By the way, my family wants a few alterations to the order.

Benji: Okay what are they?

Ms. A: How the hell should I know? Ask my family. (Enter Sammy and Tammy)

Tammy: Hey, awn the pork sandwich, could I get a replace my side with 2 other entrees?

Benji: No, you’d just have to pay for 3 entrees.

Tammy: Well that’s stupid, (walking away, trailing off) this is America Dammit!

Sammy: (Like a Prosperian Tom Brady) Yo, we have a problem bro. My ma ordered me a brisket sandwich with cole sloor- but I doooen’t like cole-sloor. Just git me some apple soars instead.

Benji: Excuse me, Apple Soars? Is that some kind of a disease?

Tammy: You never heard of Apple Soars, ya dumb idiot?

Sammy: Like, “I had sex with a kinky pre-k teacher, now my John Hannah’s covered in apple soars.”

Benji: So, it is a disease. We try to keep those away from the food.

Sammy: Fah-get it, I don’t want a side no more.

Ms A: Is it ready now!?

Benji: Not yet ma’am it’s been….

Ms A: 90 seconds, and I’m sick of not hearing myself speak. I’m gonna make a phone call. (Exits)

Tammy: Ridiculous. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that our food should be ready instantaneously.

Sammy: Yeah, we’re on vacation. That means we shouldn’t have to wait for anything. In fact, you’re not taking another order till we have ours. (Phone rings, Benji answers)

Benji: Hello thanks for calling…(Sammy grabs it)

Sammy: Hello thanks for calling Horse-Crap BBQ ya dumb idiot. Go to hell! (Slams phone)

Benji: I think you should both leave.

(Ms A returns)

Ms A: Well, I never! I just tried calling in our order a second time because I thought it might speed up our food, but the person on the other end said it was “Horse Crap BBQ” and told me to go to hell. Do you know what that means?

All Except Ms. A: What?

Ms. A: Horse Crap BBQ is run by authentic northerners! Let’s go eat there!