Awaken Your Inner Peacemaker

Keys to Being Confident and Effective in Conflict

By Alberta Fredricksen

Awaken Your Inner Peacemaker

Keys to Being Confident and Effective in Conflict

All rights reserved, COPYRIGHT © 2010 ALBERTA FREDRICKSEN www.HeartPeaceNow.com Cover design by Robert Evans Book layout by Kelly Harding Design – www.kellyhardingdesign.com Printed by Access Laserpress, Inc. 5436 West Latham Street, Phoenix, AZ 888-272-2525 No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review. First Printing: 2010 ISBN 978-0-9844015-0-5

Reflections

“Conflict is nature’s primary motivator for change.”

“The only person you can be certain

of changing is yourself…. “If your attitude is that everything

would be fine if other people changed, you are in a weak, dependent position.”

—Thomas Crum, Aikido Master and Author of The Magic of Conflict

“We live in a conscious universe where everything is connected and every

situation is driven by potential.”

“Solutions come from where information is integrated from the past,

present and future…. “A present person is the

solution to every problem.” —Dr. Vernon Woolf, Founder & Director of the

International Academy of Holodynamics

Conflict Is the Gift That Just Keeps on Giving

“Why me?” Does this sound familiar? Have

you ever come face to face with some obstacle to what you were planning to do or to be? Maybe you had even planned very carefully. You had created easy, measurable steps along the way so you could know you were on track toward your goal. All of a sudden someone or something blocks the way. You are in conflict! It does not feel right—and it does not feel fair. What is happening?

What is happening is that a messenger has arrived. The messenger of conflict is designed to get your attention. A change is needed. The real reason we are here in Earth’s schoolroom is to experience the changes that are necessary to become who we really are. When you get right down to it, the reason we set goals is because we want to go beyond where we are now. We want to feel more fulfilled, to be a better person, to achieve more and to help others do the same. So we are

here to learn, shift, change, transform and move through the process of life.

One of the blocks to this expanding consciousness is getting too comfortable with our habits—our own ways of doing things and having things just the way we like them. So how does the need for change get our attention? A conflict shows up and demands our focus and energy. This presents us with an important choice. Will we see the messenger of conflict as an unfair, interruptive event that we must immediately blame on something or someone outside of ourselves in order to feel right or be OK? Or, will we see it as new information—an opportunity for a course correction that can transform us and our world?

If you want to accomplish your mission in this life, it is not so much about where you are going but about the changes you will go through to get there. An ancient leader named Pericles once said, “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”

The conflicts, changes and processes of life we go through with others are like the cotton, wool or silk we weave into our relationships. They become the yarn we use for fashioning the garment of our unique mission and path. The substance of our yarn is also woven into the lives of others because we walked with them for a while.

It takes courage to be in the ambiguity of conflict without attempting to run away. You do not need to judge the presence of conflict within yourself, with others or in groups who are in conflict as bad or wrong. When conflict shows up for you, it is time to let go of the desire to avoid or ignore it. Instead, you can make a friend of conflict. You can choose a way into and through it using the new information it brings for healthy change and greater personal effectiveness.

We each have an inner peacemaker. It’s the part of us that longs for peaceful feelings and a sense of belonging within effective relationships. It is like a coach—an inner voice—that knows our fullest potential and is always available if we seek and listen. When we acknowledge that inner

peacemaker within us and within others, we are able to discover common ground and the goodwill to create solutions. We can train ourselves and others to ask, listen and commune with the inner peacemaker of each one.

The keys to more harmonious personal and organizational productivity are the abilities to understand, manage and transform conflict. You can transform how things have been and create more of what you really want in the future.

The big question is, how do you do that? That is the question that this book will help you to answer. My hope is that you choose to become an awakened peacemaker in whatever profession, vocation, volunteer endeavor or field of mission you choose to serve, and wherever your life’s journey takes you. Conflict really is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Changing How You

View Conflict

Conflict and tension are natural phenomena. They are catalysts for producing change and growth, and they are inevitable. Tension and conflict are not synonymous, however. If you are experiencing tension, it does not necessarily mean that you are in conflict or that conflict will automatically follow.

Tension is new information and can stimulate creativity for a greater potential. When tension becomes personal, you have conflict. Each of us wants to be heard, understood and acknowledged as a legitimate stakeholder, so it can feel personal when we perceive that we have been ignored, put down or discounted.

What turns change and tension into conflict is what you think about them. Whether you think they are good or bad, you are creating your own reality. You can choose to allow conflict to awaken your inner peacemaker and embrace the change to

create a more productive, happier life—or you can resist change and escalate the tension into a tug of war.

Knowing that good changes have the potential for generating conflict, most of us can accept that conflict is necessary, even desirable, at times. What is important is not that conflict occurs, but how you handle it. One way that is not so healthy is to view conflict as a contest of sorts, with winners and losers.

A healthy way to view conflict is as an opportunity for each person to gain and grow. Conflict becomes an opportunity to choose to change, grow and create new, more effective potential directions.

As parents, sons and daughters, friends, teachers, employers, employees, members or leaders of organizations, we must be prepared to deal with conflict in many forms. We will always have the opportunity to add tools and strategies to our personal toolbox. In my decades of experience working with diverse individuals and groups in public education, labor negotiations, mediation, a

prison system, coaching and ministry, I’ve learned that peacemaking can look different depending on the situation. Sometimes we are able to achieve resolution to conflict for everyone involved. At other times, all we are able to do is manage the conflict more effectively.

Whatever situation you are in, you can engage the messenger of conflict with confidence, with both inner and outer balance, and with a sense of purpose and peace that is transmitted to others by your presence with them.

“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking

that having problems

is a problem.” –Theodore Rubin

Three Keys to Understanding Conflict

Have you ever felt that conflict seems so complicated you don’t know what to do or where to start? That’s a belief system that you can change.

These three keys to understanding more about the nature of conflict will help you get started and simplify the process.

1. Conflict results from mismatched expectations. Think about it: you get into an argument with someone and both of you leave not feeling good about the encounter. Why? You each had thoughts or expectations about what would happen, how it would go, what you might get out of it, and how you would feel about it. Our thoughts manufacture our expectations constantly.

If you feel disappointed, upset or even angry about something, then you had an expectation that something different was supposed to happen. The other person may also be upset because what he or she expected and wanted did not happen either.

When you find yourself in conflict with others, ask yourself this question: What did I expect from this? Often we do not even know what we wanted. As the old saying goes, if you don’t know where you want to go, it is pretty hard to get there. So a large part of effectively managing conflict lies in

being clear about what your own expectations are. This may require you to engage with your inner peacemaker in some self-reflection, inner dialogue and even some simple goal-setting from time to time.

The second question to ask is: What did the other person expect? This can lead to a level of thinking and action that demonstrates your desire to truly understand the other’s point of view. If mismatched expectations are the cause of conflict, then better and more effective communication is likely to be an important part of the solution.

Your inner peacemaker can train you to understand that talking is important because it shows involvement, listening shows caring, and asking clarifying questions shows a desire to truly understand. Being present with your real self, that inner coach who knows your fullest potential, allows you to participate without being controlled or needing to control others. You are better able to recognize the real self of others and access the potential solutions. These four communication skills can move you and others through

mismatched expectations and are basic tools in your repertoire of strategies.

2. Conflict escalates when the issue is more important than the relationship. If a conflict occurs within your family, workplace or friendships, preserving relationship is probably a priority. When this is the case, ask yourself: Is my need to be right over this issue worth damaging or losing the relationship? Is my need to express truth as I know it, or to uphold a principle or rule that I believe must be upheld, worth damaging or losing the relationship?

There is no one right answer to those questions. The value in asking and answering them for yourself is to clarify your own expectations so that you can take a different course of action as needed. Ask yourself: Is the relationship more important to me than the issue? Is there another way for me to manage this? What is the fullest potential of this circumstance?

If you know what you need or want, and if you know the fullest potential solution, you are more likely to attract and create that outcome.

3. Peacemaking is not always pain free. M. Scott Peck teaches in his book A World Waiting to Be Born: Civility Rediscovered that two or more people working on something together form an organization of sorts. He writes, “A healthy organization—whether a marriage, a family, or a business corporation —is not one with an absence of problems, but one that is actively and effectively addressing or healing its problems….We need to experience pain for our healing and health….Health is an ongoing process, often painful, of an organism becoming the most—the best—it can be.”

Becoming the best we can be is a moment-by-moment encounter no matter where we are, whether we are alone or in a relationship. Sometimes we think of physical pain or inflammation as the disease or the problem itself, when in fact, the “inflammatory response” is the

essential part of the body’s healing process. We heal because of it, not in spite of it.

In conflict, inflammation brings new information and it rallies our resources to find the potential resolutions. Resisting discomfort or pain at all costs does not serve us, our relationships or organizations.

You Can Choose

People who perceive themselves as disempowered or victimized usually feel that they have no power, no influence and no ability to make a difference. And they feel neglected. They think that they are where they are either because something outside of them is controlling them or because they had no other choice. Has this happened to you?

It is the expansion of choice or the opportunity to decide that motivates people to go beyond their powerlessness into competence, and then from that sense of competency and confidence into achievement.

The premise behind education, training or coaching is to assist others to find their own competencies, tap into their own unique resourcefulness, and become better able to manage the circumstances of their own lives. As awakened peacemakers, we say to ourselves and then to others we would assist: you can choose!

We can motivate ourselves and others and offer relief from tension and inner turmoil by providing choices. For example, with children you can help them practice contacting their own inner potential by providing two choices that are equally safe and allowing them to choose what works best for them. As they grow through their practice of choosing, help them to see that there is always a choice. Each choice has a consequence and sometimes one or more of the choices involves some level of risk. These consequences can guide their subsequent choices.

If we can routinely create oppor-tunities for choosing, people will not feel so conflicted or deprived when they occasionally encounter those areas where a parent, organization or

employer does not permit choice. Active participation and involvement in decision-making pushes powerlessness into the background. For instance, even in the area of setting boundaries or disciplines, the individual can be given two or three options and decide which one to fulfill. If being the decision-maker cannot be allowed in some circumstances, the act of being able to provide input expands choice.

All of us are supervisors at some level—in our families as parents or older siblings, at work, training a pet or, most importantly, in supervising and governing ourselves and our choices in life.

If you in a supervisory or leadership role in an organization or as an employer, it is important to understand that most people consider control to be a supervisory or administrative function. This is usually acceptable when it can be shown to be within broad limits set for meeting basic human needs for safety, effective achievement, success and belonging. However, when people feel that this is control for enforced compliance, some will resist. Even though most people will do what they

are asked if the consequence or the reward is great enough, an awakened peacemaker seeks to increase cooperation and empower others through offering opportunity to choose wisely.

Choice is a powerful foundation for cooperative relationships. It provides everyone with opportunities to change, create, produce, lead and follow with respect and goodwill for one another.

Strategies to Create

Lasting Forgiveness

In addition to choice, forgiveness is a powerful tool for awakened peacemakers. And it can be loaded with the baggage of our past experiences and expectations.

Memories are stored in our cells as well as in our minds, and they can be triggered repeatedly. Being unwilling to give and receive forgiveness and holding onto negative feelings can contribute to physical illness or disease. Thus, it is in your best

interest to choose to forgive and therefore transform what you have been holding into a fuller potential.

Some of us may associate the principle of forgiveness with our spirituality or our religion. We may believe God or Spirit has forgiven us and we want that part of Spirit within us to forgive others. Or we may think it is something we are supposed to do, must do, or are required to do. In other words, we feel that we have no choice. But we do have a choice. Instead of experiencing resistance, you can choose to shift that perception to one of enlightened self-interest.

Forgiveness is enlightened self-interest. In a truly conscious world, everything and everyone is connected. If one of us has harmed another, we have all been harmed. If one of us heals another, we can all be healed. Forgiveness is one way to survive and live together in a way that acknowledges our connectedness. It has the potential to transform our future.

How do you begin transforming through forgiveness? Let us begin with what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not rolling over, giving up or

becoming a doormat. It is not a feeling and it is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process in which a matter fades from memory merely with the passing of time.

Forgiving is an act of the will. You are making a decision when you choose to forgive someone for having done something to you that has caused hurt, harm or stress. Unlike forgetting, forgiving is an active process. It has two parts: (1) a conscious choice, and (2) an awakened plan of action.

First, choose to forgive. Then when thoughts or feelings reappear about this situation, gently reaffirm your choice. Just as a mature adult might lead a child (the child portion of us who has the feelings of being hurt), you can ask the aware peacemaker part of you to remind yourself that you have already chosen to forgive. You don’t need to revolve it again. Gently reaffirm the choice, and then choose an appropriate forgiveness behavior.

What is an appropriate forgiveness behavior? Once you make the conscious decision to forgive, then you need to know what that forgiveness will

look like, sound like, feel like or be like in the future. This is your awakened plan of action.

Some potential choices for your plan of action might include:

Thank someone for what you have learned or gained through the processing of differences.

Stop talking about the issue to others.

Do not bring the situation up to use against others or allow it to stand between you or hinder your relationship.

Absolve or cancel any sense of debt or obligation someone owes you.

Give up the desire and the claim to punish or exact a penalty.

Acknowledge any anger you feel and then examine that feeling to discover the new information that will allow you to shift anger to a more productive energy.

Look for the positive attributes of others and share them.

Ask your inner peacemaker to show you more options for future encounters when a conflict arrives.

These ideas may seem too simple for the complexities and the magnitude of harm experienced by individuals and groups in the history of our planet. Offering and receiving forgiveness is an intensely personal experience. Attempting to change others as a solution to conflict doesn’t work. The change we seek that will provide relief, respite from painful feelings and resolution must come from within. This means that every thought, feeling, word and action counts. Changing your individual state of consciousness can alter what you attract to your life, and it can change and elevate mankind’s collective consciousness.

“Be assured that if you knew all, you would pardon all.” —Thomas à Kempis

Awakened Peacemakers

Being an awakened peacemaker is not a strumming-guitars-and-flowers concept with every-one singing “Kum-ba-ya.” Instead of perpetual compromise, being a victim or bully or ignoring what others do, awakened peacemakers can receive and acknowledge new information while effectively managing their own energies. They are team players who acknowledge others and create opportunities for choice in cooperatively achieving individual and group goals within families, neighborhoods, businesses, organizations and nations.

As an awakened peacemaker, you can transcend old, limiting patterns and perceptions, and choose new approaches that are more effective and harmonious. When you are more effective and more harmonious, you can present and offer your message and your special gifts so that they can be more easily received. You become an example of an awakened peacemaker

among us. Together, we become a new genre of awakened peacemakers.

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life and that in turn another, until who knows

where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.

—Frederick Buechner

Other Products by Alberta Fredricksen at www.HeartPeaceNow.com

Transforming Everyday Conflict: Tools, Tips and Roadmaps to Better

Communication and Stronger Relationships

Learn the common cause of conflict; How to find opportunity for creating

something new in the midst of conflict; What to say and do in step-by-step guides

with sample language; How to respond when conflict spurs anger; Tips to maintain your equilibrium in stressful situations.

Resume of a Disciple: Stepping Up Spiritually

Learn how stepping up spiritually is as easy as following a job description. Discover practical ways to strengthen your spiritual life without giving up your day job!

HeartPeace Now Coaching Are you tired of feeling agitated? Do you wish you could quiet the inner turmoil? Have you been hurt by being in conflict?

Would you like to see and manage conflict in a new way when it comes around again? (And it will!)

You do not have to do this alone. Partner with Alberta as your

conflict guide.

See Coach on Call with Alberta at: www.HeartPeaceNow.com