Business Bullshit

BANISHING THE BULL

Kevin Duncan

WHY DO PEOPLE

USE BULLSHIT?

Bullshit

Is now ubiquitous

Bullshit

Is now ubiquitous

The realms of advertising and of public relations, and the nowadays closely related

realm of politics, are replete with instances of

bullshit so unmitigated that they can serve

among the most indisputable and classic

paradigms of the concept.

Professor Harry G. Frankfurt,

Princeton University

Bullshit

Is more insidious than you might think

Bullshit

Is more insidious than you might think

Bullshit:

1. The excreta of a large male bovine.

2. Technically endless supply of waffle and nonsense

uttered in business meetings; cunning

wordsmithery that is neither on the side of the false

nor the truth; verbal expedience; the entire contents

of this book. (see Bollocks, talking; Doughnut rather

than the hole, it would be wise to concentrate on

the; Obfuscation; Off the top of my head; Static;

Talking out loud; Waffle; White noise; Word dump)

Bullshit

Has not attracted much sustained inquiry

because we think we know how to spot it

Bullshit

Has not attracted much sustained inquiry

because we think we know how to spot it

Going forward:

1. The opposite of backwards.

2. Truly a king amongst kings; the undisputed

champion of utter bullshit, with the possible

exception of proactive; entirely pointless modifier

somehow designed to suggest a forward-looking

demeanour, when any fool knows that a backward

one would be detrimental for everybody, except

possibly historians who should indeed adopt a

backward-looking approach; selfish waste of time

perpetrated by anyone using these two utterly

redundant words. (see -focused; Forward-looking;

Future-facing; Futureproof; Goal-oriented; Here-and-

now-ness; Momentum; Proactive)

Bullshit

Is not easy to define because the term is

often used loosely and as a generic term of

abuse

Bullshit

Is not easy to define because the term is

often used loosely and as a generic term of

abuse

Bollocks, talking: 1. Testicles that can speak.

2. Sustained burst of total rubbish blurted out in

answer to an unexpected interview question;

patchwork of platitude and clich designed to

confuse; mission statement contents; any

acceptance speech; 100% of proclamations

made by politicians or sportsmen. (see

Bullshit; Obfuscation)

Bullshit

Covers a multitude of sins

Bullshit

Covers a multitude of sins

Knowledge management, transfer:

1. Control, or handing over of, wisdom.

2. Catastrophic inability to control or hand over any

wisdom at all; brain drain; complete loss of

expertise when one intelligent person leaves the

company; collapse of all IT functions when Dave

leaves; haphazard filing system that passes on no

knowledge whatsoever. (see Know-how; Talent,

war on)

Bullshit

Is similar to shoddy goods produced in a

careless or self-indulgent manner, and never

finely crafted

Bullshit

Is similar to shoddy goods produced in a

careless or self-indulgent manner, and never

finely crafted

Bottom feeding: 1. Eating material on the floor of a river, sea or fish

tank.

2. Hoovering up any crap that has settled on the

bottom; dealing solely in the dross; working with or

for the cheapest and worst possible exponents in

the market; actively pursuing low-rent customers,

and to hell with the consequences. (see Ambulance

chasing; Scraping the barrel)

Bullshit

Is a lack of concern with the truth and an

indifference to how things really are

Bullshit

Is a lack of concern with the truth and an

indifference to how things really are

Off the top of my head:

1. Something has just fallen from my cranium, such

as a hat, or my wig.

2. I havent a clue what Im talking about, so Ill just

spout any twaddle I can think of and hope that

nobody notices because they are all doing the

same thing. (see Bullshit; Talking out loud; Waffle;

Word dump)

Bullshit

Involves a kind of bluff

Bullshit

Involves a kind of bluff

Obfuscation:

1. Deliberately making something obscure or

difficult to understand.

2. An egregious lie or cover-up; frantic fudging of the

truth to disguise incompetence or outright crime.

(see Access to information; Bollocks, talking;

Broad brush; Bullshit; Keep it dark; Hedge our

bets; Mum, keep; Off the top of my head;

Prevaricate; Talking out loud; Techno-babble;

Waffle; Word dump)

Bullshit

Is stimulated whenever a persons

obligations or opportunities to speak about

some topic exceed their knowledge of the

facts that are relevant to the topic

Bullshit

Is stimulated whenever a persons

obligations or opportunities to speak about

some topic exceed their knowledge of the

facts that are relevant to the topic

Bandwidth, he doesnt have the: 1. Not intelligent.

2. Hes thick as a brick; dead from the neck up;

relentlessly useless at work; no help at all, in fact, a

downright hindrance; 100% incompetent. (see

Intelligent, if you were any less ______, Id have to

water you once a day; Mental furniture; Obvious, firm

grasp of the; Psychic RAM; Shilling, not the full;

WOMBAT)

Bullshit

Can involve: o deceptive misrepresentation

o just short of lying, especially by pretentious word or

deed

o misrepresentation of somebodys own thoughts,

feelings or attitudes

Bullshit

Can involve: o deceptive misrepresentation

o just short of lying, especially by pretentious word or

deed

o misrepresentation of somebodys own thoughts,

feelings or attitudes

Jazz Hands:

1. All style and no content.

2. Soup this presentation up immediately because it

is essentially content-free (see Zee, weve

covered everything from A to; Full Monty, the;

Turd, polishing a; Wow factor)

THE BULLSHITTER

The bullshitter

Is not necessarily a liar

The bullshitter

Is not necessarily a liar

Facts, cold hard:

1. The untainted truth.

2. Whats left after all the bullshit has been stripped

away; most commonly exposed as nothing of

substance at all.

The bullshitter

Is phony rather than false

The bullshitter

Is phony rather than false

Crafting, it needs a bit of:

1. Further work is required on this.

2. This is sub-standard rubbish and needs to be

done again. (see Bugs, iron out the; Drawing

board, back to the; Optimal; Sub-optimal; Tools,

management, unique; Woodwork, spanners in

the, spanners jumping out of the)

The bullshitter

Is faking things, but this does not mean that

they necessarily get them wrong

The bullshitter

Is faking things, but this does not mean that

they necessarily get them wrong

Putting lipstick on a pig:

1. Applying cosmetics to a porcine beast, presumably

to make it look better.

2. Frantically try to make something appear better

than it is, usually to no avail; futile cover up effort.

(see GIGO; Jazz hands; Rebrand; RIRO; SISO; Turd,

polishing a)

The bullshitter

Has much more freedom than someone

who tells the truth or lies, because they do

not require an anchor point on one side or

the other

The bullshitter

Has much more freedom than someone

who tells the truth or lies, because they do

not require an anchor point on one side or

the other

Broad brush: 1. Wide painting utensil for covering a wide area.

2. Total fudge; failure to come to point; obfuscation;

vagueness; sweeping attempt to avoid coming to

the point. (see Gloss over; Keep it dark; Strategy)

The bullshitter

Intends neither to report the truth nor to

conceal it

The bullshitter

Intends neither to report the truth nor to

conceal it

Come up to scratch:

1. Reach the required level.

2. Exasperated exhortation to reach the required

level, for once in your life; desperate plea from

boss to ineffective and feckless subordinate; set

low standards for oneself and consistently fail to

meet them; underachieve.

The bullshitter

Is neither on the side of the truth nor on the

side of the false

The bullshitter

Is neither on the side of the truth nor on the

side of the false

Competitive advantage, edge:

1. Something compelling that makes us better than

our competitors.

2. Sinking feeling based on the dawning realization

that we are clearly no better than our competitors;

on further examination, alarming discovery that we

are actually much worse than our competitors;

trumped up piece of corporate puffery to claim

competitive advantage where there patently is

none. (see Leverage)

The bullshitter

Does not care whether they describe reality

correctly

The bullshitter

Does not care whether they describe reality

correctly

Reality check: 1. Occasion to consider a matter realistically or

honestly.

2. Moment that seldom occurs in business due to too

much haste or downright stupidity; sometimes used

in pseudo-rigorous way by glib managers, as in Im

broadly in agreement, but I think we need to take a

reality check here, Sebastian, and often

accompanied by a broad sweep of the hand or a

thoughtful tug of the beard.

The bullshitter

Just picks out material, or makes it up, to

suit their purpose

The bullshitter

Just picks out material, or makes it up, to

suit their purpose

Massage the numbers: 1. Rearrange finances or statistics to create a different

conclusion.

2. Deceptive, often downright illegal, alteration of

financial reporting information in order to generate

an entirely different outcome, usually favourable;

slight of hand; legerdemain; malfeasance;

contemptible twisting of reporting line to create a

better picture, often resulting in company closure or

personal imprisonment. (see Bottom line; Cook the

books; Crunch the numbers; Fiscal juggling;

Negative growth, profit; Obfuscation; Smoke and

mirrors job)

The bullshitter

Does not reject the authority of truth, as the

liar does, or oppose it they pay no

attention to it at all

The bullshitter

Does not reject the authority of truth, as the

liar does, or oppose it they pay no

attention to it at all

Authenticity:

1. Relating to anything that is authentic.

2. Totally false, such as This product was

lovingly forged in the crucible of time; quality

constantly demanded of staff in over-earnest

companies. (see Passion, passionate;

Provenance; Rebrand)

WHAT TO DO?

What to do?

Bullshit needs to be taken seriously

What to do?

Bullshit needs to be taken seriously

Alarm bells, set the ______ ringing: 1. Trigger warning system because there is a fire.

2. Cause total panic amongst colleagues by doing

something distinctly unnerving, such as wearing

trainers with suits, reaching inside a room from the

corridor when a meeting is in session and turning the

light switch repeatedly on and off for five minutes, or

insisting on being called Colin when your real name is

Samantha. (see AWOL, go; Ballistic, go; Box of frogs,

mad as a; Bundle, one stick short of a; Gene pool,

swimming in the shallow end of the; Mid-life crisis;

Moon, barking at the, over the, through the; Picnic,

one sandwich short of a; Plot, lose the; Pram, to

throw ones toys out of the; Radar, off; Rails, gone off

the)

What to do?

Should you be genuinely duped by it, things

could get awkward

What to do?

Should you be genuinely duped by it, things

could get awkward

Nailing a jelly to the wall, trying to:

1. Attempting an impossible task.

2. Using jelly to do something for which it was not

intended; trying to use tools that will never do the

job, however insane the job is; hammering away

with an inappropriate approach, too dim to realize

that pausing for reflection could be more

productive. (see Banana, stabbing a seal with a;

Grasping at fog)

What to do?

It pays to be on the lookout for it

What to do?

It pays to be on the lookout for it

Ear to the ground:

1. Well informed.

2. Phenomenally nosey.

What to do?

Analyse the different types and the frequent

perpetrators of it

What to do?

Analyse the different types and the frequent

perpetrators of it

SISO:

1. Shit In Shit Out.

2. Wise and eternally verified notion that if you put

poor data or other effort into something, the result

will be just as bad as the crap it always was. (see

GIGO; Putting lipstick on a pig; RIRO; Turd,

polishing a)

What to do?

React appropriately

What to do?

React appropriately

Risk-averse:

1. Not prone to taking any chances.

2. Inherently conservative; weak-willed;

unadventurous; lily-livered; scared; not likely to do

anything that might cause any trouble; ineffective;

possibly not worth having around; a bit useless;

not helping much; preferring to stay at ones desk

rather than get up and do something. (see

Jobsworth)

What to do?

Dont act on falsehoods

What to do?

Dont act on falsehoods

60:50 relationship, this is the perfect:

1. This relationship is imbalanced.

2. Superbly exasperated expression of being set

upon in a lopsided partnership that is

supposed to be equal. (see Partners)

BANISH THE BULL

Kevin Duncan www.bulldictionary.com

Twitter: @kevinduncan

07979 808770