Issue 1

In a closed society where every-body's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stu-pidity. Hunter S. Thompson

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Septic U-TurnEnvironment Minister Phil Hogan last night reduced the septic tank registration fee from €50 to €5. By law, all homeowners who use a septic tank are required to register their tank for inspection under EU directives. The charge caused fury among septic tank owners when it was announced late last year, but the government Minister insisted the reduction in the registration fee was not a U-Turn or climb down.  Inspections are due to get underway in April. Any septic tank that has not been registered by then will have to pay the original €50 charge.

93-year old Leitrim farmer, Barney Walsh said he still would not be registering.

''What do they want me to do. Register the corner of a cow-shed?'' said a teary, Walsh - who admit-ted to The Irish Daily Bull that he had never used an inside toilet in his life.

The fee will amount to little more than loose-change if work has to be carried out upon inspection - with some 'fixes' expected to run into the thousands. It has been sending panic throughout rural Ireland, induced in part by Fianna Fáil as they unsuccessfully attempt to regain credibility. Hogan said help would be available to low-income households should large-scale work needed to be done on tanks that have fallen into disrepair.

Controversial Hogan, who once ran against Enda Kenny for the Fine Gael leadership, recently an-nounced a €100 household charge in the budget to the utter dismay of an already strangled public. The 'charge' is the foundation for a property tax which will be introduced over the coming years and based on site valuations. Many current TD's - despite being paid huge wages - are refusing to pay the household charge.

Striking Fear

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Thousands to Benefit from AusterityThousands upon thousands of Irish public-sector workers are set to retire by the end of March in order to take full and final advantage of pensions that will be based on pre-austerity cuts to their salaries. They include over 2,000 healthcare workers, 2,000 from the education system, 1,000  from the civil service, 850+ from the local authori-ties, 800+ from the Defense Forces and nearly 300 Gardaí. The economy will benefit lit-tle when pay is measured against pensions in the medium-term, unless retiree's are fortunate enough to find work in the private sector - perhaps delivering services such as health or education to the beleaguered departments . Many of the retiree's are also due tax-free lump sums depending on length of service.

Wealthy Minister for Health, James Reilly, has admitted that some operations may have to be postponed as result of the departures, further placing fear into the sick. He wouldn't be pushed on the question if this years Junior and Leaving Cert exams were in danger of being cancelled - nor whether the Garda retirements would elongate the

never-ending investigation into the happenings at rogue bank, Anglo.

‘I do health,' the embattled Minister said.

With Ireland's cash cow now slaughtered and no money to replace retiree's, many services will be severely im-pacted. Enda Kenny has told that 'Transition Teams' have been put in place to handle the devastation expected as segments of the public-service adjust to the pain and misery of austerity. We asked IDB's political analyst, Faye Ecoruin, how the departures are likely to affect those departing.

‘Quite well,' she said.

When asked how front-line services were likely to be  impacted, the 23-year old blond declined to comment as she rushed away to wipe tears from her remaining eye.

Ecoruin

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Ireland Left LeaderlessTrio Jet Off On Junket

The taoiseach, tánaiste and the Irish Minister for Jobs have arrived on a three-day visit to the U.S to prepare the way for mass St. Patrick's Day  junkets by Irish politicians in March. While in the US, 'Team Trio' will participate in round-table discussions organized by ex- US President, William Jeffer-son Clinton.  The trio will also enlighten Irish-Americans on the Euro crisis at the Brookings Institute in Washington. The tánaiste, who's been in hiding recently, will address the UN Security Council on Thursday. It's not clear why Kenny's old nemesis Richard Bruton is traveling.

A Government spokesman said the aim of the junket was to engage with business leaders and encourage them to invest in Ireland.

"Ireland is open for business and now is the time to invest,” the spokesman said in a worn-out mantra. He refused to comment in which class the trio flew in. The trip is a welcome escape for the tao-iseach after the events of the past week which saw him place the

blame of the Irish economic collapse on the Irish people and the expenses scandal.

Unexpected Junket

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Windfall from SpeedFigures released today say that the government have raked in €10.6 million in much needed revenue from GoSafe - the private operator charged with keeping Ireland's speed demons in check. In some months of 2011, 'captures' tripled on their 2010 counterpart, sparking questions of  the 'hounding'  of Irish citizens by forces inside government buildings.

Hoping to cash in, Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar today announced a review of the nations speed limits in a move widely expected to increase revenues further over the coming years. Mr. Varadkar, known in the halls of Leinster House as "loud' Leo for his weekly gaffe's, said Ireland needed 'to ensure that the right speed limits are in operation on the right roads' - fueling speculation that reductions in limits will happen.

'Travesty'Tonight, jobless Cavan native, Wayne 'Chunky' Daly spoke with the Irish Daily Bull about the issue.

'It's a travesty. This morning I was leaving the kids to school while herself had a lie-on. On the way I met a speed camera van, custom officers, the army, social welfare inspectors, diesel dippers and two Garda checkpoints checking for Motoring infractions. There was also a helicopter overhead - but I'd be lying if I said it was a police chopper. It could have been Sean Quinn,' the 27-year-old, father of six said.

'I was back in bed within half-an-hour. If I had a car and had taken it, I'd definitely have missed Jeremy Kyle. Ireland's changing!'

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The Full Irish TaoiseachIreland's answer to Wikileaks, thestory.ie has published 2010 expenditure data for the then taoiseach, Brian Cowen.

Among the extravagance raged against the tax-payer was the hire of a chef to cook breakfast for weekly cabinet meetings - one just a day after Cowen announced Ireland bankrupt and seeking outside assistance under surrender of economic sovereignty. The breakfasts continued despite the EU and IMF having already taken over the island.

The 174 page document contains details of items Cowen spent hundreds of thousands of tax-payer money on. Everything from hotel bills, limousine hire, taxis, education courses, website maintenance and gifts to dignitaries can be found littered throughout the document.

Let Them Eat Porridge

The document also exposes a bill of €2,000 for the purchase of pens. After a day-long investigation, The Irish Daily Bull has concluded that they may be made from gold or Cowen has intentions on writing a

lengthy memoir should an ocean of time in a confined space become available to him sometime in the future. The ex-taoiseach, rarely seen in public these days, is not expected to comment.

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Devil In A Red DressWith the taoiseach and tánaiste in the United States prepping for Paddy's Day, it was Minister for Social protection, Joan Burton, who drew the short straw to take leaders questions in this mornings Dáil session. With jealous-looking Brian Hayes viewing on from behind, Burton, a former darling of the Left, answered accusations leveled at the government over their handling of retirements by thousands of public-service workers over the coming weeks. One Fianna Fáil TD described the situation as 'shambolic' which drew laughter from the rul-ing side of the house.

Burton retorted by saying that she found it 'odd' that a Fianna Fáil TD could question anything con-cerning the retirements since it was Fianna Fáil who put the scheme in place.

"Maybe you never understood it at the time, and that’s why you’re befuddled now,' Burton said, drawing side-splitting laughter from across the house. Judging by her red dress, it's likely Burton was on a short-list to take Leaders Questions in the absence of Kenny & Gilmore.

Irish Daily Bull's fashion guru, Cliff String, had this to say.

"Joan's off-pink jacket and un-ironed red dress did little for the women of Ireland, though it did add a little ambiance to James Reilly's tie. She can do better."

It's a huge reversal in fortunes for Burton whose political career seemed over after her last red-dress appearance on The Tonight with Vincent Browne last year. (below)

"She's obviously getting the tutoring she required from the government kitty," political analyst, Faye Ecoruin added.

Catch Joan’s performance on Vincent Browne by clicking here.

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Alan Shattered by ProtestorsMinister Alan Shatter is said to be incensed at the near €15 million Ireland has forked out policing the Corrib gas pipeline from irate protestors and locals. The sum is the total spent by the Gardaí fending off protests against the hugely controversial pipe line, which was the subject of the outstanding, award-winning, multiple festival playing documentary film, The Pipe.

The figure does  not include basic salaries for Gardaí at the protest site in Rossport, Co Mayo. Locals have been protesting the Corrib gas project  by the oil company Shell for over seven years. One local, who wished to remain with anonymous, said Shell should be footing the bill given the fact they post billions in profits each quarter. During the course of hostili-ties, members of the local community have been jailed for refusing to bend to government sentiment for the construction of the pipeline. Gardai and foreign security guards have time and time been forced to work overtime and to mis-handle protestors, chucking them from roads in order to secure protestor safety.

Shatter today called the protests 'scandalous.' In damning words, Shatter said it was 'scan-dalous that protesters behave in a self indulgent way that has no regard for the rights of oth-ers. In turn, this requires the expenditure of a substantial amount of taxpayers’ money which could be devoted to far better purposes...'

Like public sector wages, pensions and TD expense accounts, perhaps?

Video Here

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The Friday FiddleLabour’s Jan O’Sullivan is to receive an extra allowance of €17,205 per year. O’Sullivan, the former junior minister responsible for international aid, was promoted to the Department of the Environment and the housing portfolio in December while govern-ment thinkers decide whether to fund international aid over the coming years. The rise is on top of her €130k salary and meaty expense account.

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The governments war with the Vatican has caused a rift at home. Seanad members led by Fianna Fáil, supported by Sinn Féin and independent senators called Government parties to invite ex-Hitler Youth member Pope Benedict XVI to Ireland. The mo-tion was opposed and rejected by a majority of Fine Gael and Labour members. The development is an escalation in tensions be-tween the two states after the closure of Ireland's embassy to the Vatican City last year.Roscommon native, Maggie Kelly said she was devastated by the news."Now I know how the people of Tibet must feel,' she said, taking time to speak with The Irish Daily Bull.

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Leo Varadkar's days looked continually numbered at Cabinet level after Enda Kenny told a reporter in New York that Ireland would 'pay her dues and on time' in stark contradiction to 'Loud' Leo's pre-election promise to the Irish people that 'the banks aren’t getting another cent.' Political Analyst Faye Ecoruin said that the ongoing tit-for-tat between the Irish leader and the Minister for Sport is now more than a rift as Kenny looks to potentially out the gaffe-prone Minister.'Sometimes keeping your enemies close to you doesn't work out. This is a prime example,' the 23-year old blond claimed in direct reference to Varadkar's support of Richard 'No Jobs' Bruton in the 2010 coup against Kenny's leadership.We asked Faye if perhaps this is why Kenny brought 'No jobs' along for the U.S junket this week.

'Nothing surer,' she said. 'Kenny is fast gaining a reputation for being the cutest of the cute. He didn't want to have to come back to face another leadership challenge.'

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Questions have again arose surrounding the leadership of Micheál Martin after he hinted that Fianna Fáil are likely to support a ‘Yes’ vote on any upcoming referendum on the new EU treaty. It comes as no surprise from a party who refused to recognize the opinion of the Irish people on the Lisbon Treaty in 2009, before making them go to the polls again after they rejected it. The announcement is sure to further erode Fianna Fáil support nationwide which currently stands in the low teens.

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Ivor Callehy can look forward to his weekend after the Seanad committee set up to investigate his travel expenses looks set to abandon its legal battle against Callely due to the potential cost of los-ing. The committee however were told by the courts that it was out of their jurisdiction.

The case is now with the Supreme Court. In the event of a defeat the Irish tax-payer is liable for costs of up to €400k. One committee member said it was a 'damned if we do and damned if we don't' situation.

'We're damned anyway, said Faye Ecoruin.

The road less travelled...

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Lowry LosesThe High Court has rejected Michael Lowry’s application for a summary order under the Defamation Act 2009, after the TD  claimed journalist Sam Smyth had no arguable defence for the statements he made on the Tonight with Vincent Browne Show in 2010. Lowry had said that language used by the veteran journalist could be construed to mean Lowry was a thief, corrupt, and a politician unfit to be a TD. In summing up, Justice Kearns said that 'it seems clear that the defendant has a good arguable case in re-spect' to what way Mr. Smyth has mixed his words.

Lowry is no stranger to controversy. In early 2007, Lowry announced that he had made fi-nal settlement with the Revenue Commissioners in response to the findings concerning tax evasion. His company, Garuda, had to pay €1.2 million after a Revenue audit. He also paid almost €200,000 to settle his personal taxes

In March 2011 the Moriarty Tribunal found that  Lowry assisted Denis O'Brien's consor-tium Esat Digiphone in acquiring a mobile phone licence in the mid-90s.  The report said that the matter was 'profoundly corrupt to a degree that was nothing short of breathtak-ing.' The report also summarised payments made to Lowry including the transmission of £420,000 sterling to complete the purchase on Lowry's English properties in December 1999. Lowry rejected the findings.

The hugely popular TD is backed by a strong local organisation in Tipperary known  as 'Team Lowry' He was returned to the Dáil at the last General Election in a landslide which saw him top the poll. He is currently under investigation by the Criminal Assets Bureau.

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‘I’d Halve Dáil’ says lucky gamblerBig-time winner on the horses and former taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, has called for the size of Dáil Eireann to be reduced in half. Interviewed in a study commis-sioned by the Oireachtas, the suggestion is the first from Ahern to strike a chord with the Irish people since his giveaway budget of 2006 - after which the dis-graced former leader swept to power for a third time. Ahern suggests that all con-stituencies could elect just one TD. This surpasses the previous TD reducing sug-gestion given freely to the Irish public by unknown failed local politician, Larry Mulligan.

However, the former taoiseach's remarks are unlikely to resonate within the corri-dors of power despite a certain sensibility to them. Ahern is widely regarded as the man who put in place the so-called Celtic Tiger which fed Ireland's economy in the early part of the century - before its cataclysmic free-fall into the waiting hands of the ECB & IMF. No stranger to controversy, Ahern once famously quipped that people talking down the kamikaze economic policies his then-lackey Brian Cowen put in place should 'commit suicide.' He's also famous for giving gang-ster Charles J. Haughey blank cheques and for making himself the highest paid leader in Europe.

When not popping up inside cupboards to advertize Sunday rags, the former 'darling of the developers' is anxiously waiting the findings of the Mahon Tribunal. If found guilty of misdemeanors in the report and faces democratic judicial procedure, he faces decades in prison like many rogue Irish politicians before him.

'It's a relevance play by Bertie,' said political analyst, Faye Ecoruin. 'Fortunately for sitting members - he has none!'

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