barbara burrows arenting · course comment on anything in letters to the editor. no part of this...

C A N A D A’ S L E A D I N G PA R E N T E D U C AT I O N S E R V I C E • A U G U S T 2 0 0 3

Three year old refuses potty • Teens abuse the credit card privilegeTake action against bullying (Part 4) – Trouble at School (Part 3) • Stories My Children

Love to Hear • ADD: Does It Really Exist? Part 3 – In Search of a Deficit

PARENTINGPARENTINGB A R B A R A B U R R O W S

M A G A Z I N EM A G A Z I N Ew w w . b a r b a r a b u r r o w s . c o m

Teenagers are a breedonto themselves

B A R B A R A B U R R O W S P A R E N T I N G M A G A Z I N E • C A N A D A ’ S L E A D I N G P A R E N T E D U C A T I O N S E R V I C E • A U G U S T 2 0 0 3

A U G U S T 2 0 0 3

2

WHAT’S UP . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2Teanagers are a breedonto themselves

DEAR BARBARA . . . . . . . . . . .3Three year old refuses potty

TIP FOR BABIES . . . . . . . . . .6Invest in Kids –Comfort, play & teach

TIPS FOR TOTS . . . . . . . . . . .6Containing the “head banging”rage of a toddler

TIPS FOR KIDS . . . . . . . . . . . .7Separate deed from doer?

TIP FOR TEENS . . . . . . . . . . .7Teens abuse the creditcard privilege

TIP FOR SCHOOL . . . . . . . . .3Take action against bullyingPart 4 – Encouraging studentsto report bullying/Dealing withthe bullyby Cindi Seddon, Alyson McLellan,Gesele LaJoie

GOOD BOOKS –MORE THAN A REVIEW . . . . .4Parent-Infant PsychodynamicsJoan Raphael-Leff

DOCTOR DOCTOR . . . . . . . .5Trouble at school – Part 3

LETTERS

From the author ofInside Picture Books . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11

OUR READERS SHARE

A terrifying fight in the classroom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10

Stories my children love to hear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11

Helping the sibling to bea part of It all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

FEATURES

Talk to your babyby Diana Mandel M. Ed. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8

ADD: Does it really exist?Part 3 – In search of a deficitby Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

What’sinside?

O n a good day it could besaid that teenagers are likeducks – they waddle

around in a world unto them-selves,eating when hungry,sleep-ing when tired, barely uttering asound unless someone or some-thing gets in their way – andthen, by gawd, look out.Sometimes they are not unlikebeautiful swans and other times,they behave like bulls. Most ofthe time though, theyare pig-like and as amother of three teens,I am constantlyreminded of just howeasy, carefree andmessy the life of a farmswine can be.

The teen is excep-tionally clean. But thenagain, so are those bigpig bodies after a longnap and hose down.Teens are known toshower twice a day,take hours in front ofthe mirror to makesure they look justright, spend every centthey have (and somethey borrow, beg orsteal from friends andunsuspecting parents)on clothes and will run full wash-er and dryer cycles for one pairof totally cool jeans.All of this isgood and don’t get me wrong, Ilike farmyard animals. I just neverthought the rooms my kids’ keepwould require a warning sign,gate and shovel.

I like to think our house ispretty tidy. I try to keep ahead ofthe dust bunnies. The carpetunder my piglet’s bed however, isa different colour from the rest ofthe room. At the paint store itmight be called something earthylike Early Morning Sand and I amconvinced the watch she lost ishiding in the sand. I rarely leavedirty dishes in the sink. On theoccasion when I run out ofkitchen glassware, I just ventureupstairs with a tray and collectwhat I need.

Since they have more time inthe summer, I feel I can start rant-ing about the mess. I do give thewhining swine’s fair warning–”Either you clean up yourrooms before you go to camp orI will.”And while pigs might notlook deaf, they sure don’t listenvery well.

My youngest porcine is honeybacon sweet.She nods and smiles

at me and tells me convincinglythat she has everything cleanedup. Imagine my surprise when Ihauled out a green bag full of awide assortment of lost treasuresincluding candy wrappers, dis-carded school projects, old note-books and a textbook that I paidfor because I was told quite clear-ly it was “forever lost”. I foundmy much loved sewing scissorsthat had been missing for

months, a roll of Xmaswrapping paper inthe sand from underthe bed and five oddsocks which will soonbe reunited with thematching five residingin the single partnersock bin.

The male porcinespecies is not so pre-dictable. Big andstrong, they tend tomake their own ruleswhen it comes to penliving. Our teen boypiggy prefers to stepthrough the piles oflaundry rather thanput it away. He can’tremember to pick uphis wet bath towels ordirty clothes that also

live where they drop. By the endof a few days it’s hard to tell thewet (but clean) laundry from thedirty (but dry) laundry. By defaultit all gets tossed into the hamperfor the lead farm hand whoscreams loudly (but no one lis-tens) and when pushed to thebrink, goes on strike. When thishappens, all the animals on thefarm looked shocked and start topanic. The usually proud, confi-dent, big, strong male squeals theloudest. “Hey, what am I gonnado? I don’t know how to do thelaundry.”

Once they leave, it is with anoverwhelming sense of horrorthat I open the stalls to clean outthe pens and I spend the day tid-ing, cleaning and vacuuming.Bottom-line is, teenagers are bornhuman but it doesn’t last.Despiteour best efforts some do go tomarket, some stay home, someeat roast beef and some eat none.But one thing I know for sure -my little piggies are going to bevery surprised to see their roomswhen they get home!

ANGELA GREENWAYManaging Editor

What’sUp?

PublisherBarbara Burrows

Barbara Burrows ParentingMagazine is published 6 timesper year in conjunction withthe Newspaper partnersacross Ontario in February,April, June,August, October,and December.

Founder and DirectorBarbara Burrows

Executive EditorBarbara Burrows

Managing EditorAngela Greenway

Creative/ProductionMichelle Sharp

Barbara Burrows Parenting1328 Janina Blvd.Burlington, ON L7P 1K3Phone (905) 335-8803Fax (905) 332-4611E-mail:[email protected]

Readers are encouraged tosubmit parenting questions, theirown stories or experiences to“Our Readers Share”and ofcourse comment on anything inLetters to the Editor.

No part of this publication maybe reproduced withoutpermission.The opinionsexpressed herein are notnecessarily those of BarbaraBurrows Parenting Magazine, andBarbara Burrows ParentingMagazine will not be held liablefor any damages or loses,however sustained, as a result ofthe reliance on or use by a readeror any person on any of the infor-mation, opinions, or productsexpressed or otherwisecontained herein.Whereappropriate, professional adviceshould be sought.

Copyright Barbara BurrowsParenting MagazineAugust 2003

For information on bringingBarbara Burrows ParentingMagazine to your community,call (905) 335-8803.

PARENTINGB A R B A R A B U R R O W S

M A G A Z I N E

(formerly Parent to Parent Magazine)Canada’s leading parent education service

w w w . b a r b a r a b u r r o w s . c o m

Dear Grandmother

Q uestions on toilet training come up so frequently,and there is always more to say on the subject. Ireviewed three reputable authors - “Toddlers and

Parents” by T. Berry Brazelton, “Your Baby and Child” byPenelope Leach and “Toddlers and their Mothers” by ErnaFurman for their views on toilet mastery. All three arevery clear about waiting until the child showsan interest in being clean and dry, otherwise itcan become an area where the toddler with-holds, or messes to have negative power overthe parents.

Erna Furman offered the most comprehen-sive discussion and explains not only about thechild’s physical impulses to let go of urine andfeces, but what goes on in the child’s mind thatreadies him to take control over this part of hisfunctioning. She talks about the messy, unco-operative urges that children have at this stage.Instinctively, during the toddler years, there is apowerful urge to make messes – either by poo-ing or wetting, making messes with toys orbelongings, or getting into things. Toddlersmess with make-up, powder, cream, food prod-ucts etc.. Mothers are often the most in tune with this“messy” part of their child (others might not notice it asmuch), and it can cause them to become very angry, veryquickly.We call it “the terrible twos!”.

When a child is able to gain control of his urge to be

messy – and this is a huge undertaking for a toddler - thechild can gain control of bowel and bladder. It can help todiscourage messy playing such as finger painting etc.,especially if the child becomes excited during messy play.Encourage more neutral play activities, where there is lessexcitement.This can help toddlers move towards wanting

to be clean, rather than messy.Brazelton encourages parents not to regis-

ter disgust about the child’s urine and BM, butFurman says that one way the child develops awish to be clean is when the love of her messyBM changes to not liking it. When the childdoesn’t feel so connected to this bodily prod-uct, she will let it go, at the right time, and inthe right place. Furman suggests parents say“Let’s get that old smelling diaper off of you –you’ll feel much better when you are clean anddry. It won’t be long before you’ll want towear big girl underpants, so you can be cleanand dry all the time.”

Tackling this problem by helping this littlegirl master messy impulses will strengthen animportant aspect of development, rather than

simply finding a way to get her out of diapers.There are several questions and answers on

www.barbaraburrows.com about toilet training (followcolumn link to June 20/03, Feb. 7/03 and Oct. 25/02)that might be helpful.

B A R B A R A B U R R O W S P A R E N T I N G M A G A Z I N E • C A N A D A ’ S L E A D I N G P A R E N T E D U C A T I O N S E R V I C E • A U G U S T 2 0 0 3 3

BARBARA BURROWSDirector,

Barbara BurrowsParenting

Photo by Murray Pellowe

By Cindi Seddon, Alyson McLellan, Gesele LaJoie

For more information, see http://www.bullybeware.com/

See Feb.;April; June 2003 issues for Part 1, 2, and 3 of “Take ActionAgainst Bullying” in schools and some ideas of what schoolsmight do to improve situations where bullies are problematic asoutlined by Seddon, McLellan and LaJoie.

N ine year old Mark was walking home from school when a gangof bullies set upon him. His arm was broken, his money stolen,and his books destroyed. His self-confidence was also

destroyed. He became withdrawn, hated to go to school and eventu-ally had counselling to help him through the trauma. He knew theboys who had attacked him, but refused to tell who they were. Hewas frightened of what they would do if he told. (bullying 1991 P8)

LaJoie, McLellan and Seddon suggest that a community must builda foundation in order to start an anti-bullying program. When this isin place, children will be more willing to report bullying incidents.They suggest a steering committee made up of teachers, parents, stu-dents, support staff, community members and administrators.

This committee accepts responsibility to begin the program in theschool, and the anti bullying program begins.The programme has anumber of components, from identifying trouble areas in school andon the playground, to zeroing in on bullies who resist the new poli-

cies and actively defy it, to ways of getting staff, students and parentsto “buy into” the concept and be on the look out for any bullyingbehaviour.These authours also outline a protocol for dealing with bul-lies – which includes a “Attitude Adjustment Course” for repeatoffenders – a program that helps the bullies work hard to managetheir aggressive behaviours.

They have 10 suggestions to help the victim:1. Reassure her that she is now safe.2. Make sure he is unharmed – give treatment if necessary.3. Listen carefully to victim’s side of story.4. Single incident? or recurring?5. Assure victim bully will be dealt with by administration.6. Ask how child would like parents notified.7. Reassure child bully’s parents will be notified.8. Figure out what needs to happen for victim to feel safe in future.9. Would child prefer to talk to another person.10. Remind victim she has done nothing wrong.

One last point – make sure to check back in a day or two with thevictim to see if the plan for feeling safe is working out well – andthat everything is OK.

For more information on starting an “Anti-Bully” programin your area, see http://www.bullybeware.com/

Next issue, watch for Part 5 “Utilizing students to builda successful Anti-Bullying campaign”.

Tip for School – Take action against bullyingPART 4

Encouraging students to report bullying/Dealing with the bully

Dear BarbaraMy granddaughter

who is going to be 3in October does notwant to sit on thepotty or wear panties.My daughter ispulling her hair out.Could you forwardany information ontoilet training that Ican pass onto her?

D E A R B A R B A R A

Three year old refuses potty


Parent-Infant PsychodynamicsWild Things, Mirrors and Ghosts

Joan Raphael-Leffhttp://www.ingenta.com/isis/browsing/

BrowseByPublisher/ingenta?publisher=whurr

Published by Whurr Publishers Inc.ISBN 1-86156 346 9

P arent-Infant Psychodynamics is not just“another” book on mothers and infants.This is a remarkable collection of scien-

tific papers written by dedicated pioneers inthe field of healthy and abnormal psycholog-ical infant development over the last halfcentury. Sound daunting? Actually it isn’t.Joan Raphael-Leff, the editor of this book, haschosen papers written clearly, without a lotof difficult to understand jargon. This book isaccessible to parents as well as professionals.

For example, Colwyn Trevarthen’s paper“Conversations with a 2-month old” talks ofhis research at Harvard and continued later inEdinburgh, Scotland. Using video taping,they filmed babies once a week from birth tosix months of age. The babies were filmedwith their mothers chatting to them (nomother thought this an odd request) andwith a small toy suspended nearly in front ofthem.

Even babies of a few weeks of ageresponded differently to their mother thanthe suspended object, and by two months,babies showed specific movements of thelips and tongue that occurs in adults duringconversation. Sometimes cooing noises weremade with these mouth movements. Inanother part of the experiment, a partial mir-ror was set up which allowed the baby tolook into the mother’s face, but the motherwas answering questions posted on a board,not focusing her attention on the baby. Thechange in the mother’s tone of voice, her dif-ferent style of talking and her ceasing to reactto the baby, caused the babies, in every case,to become puzzled, make exaggerated solici-tation as if to get her attention back, andsome quickly became dejected-looking andwithdrawn. This work reinforces howremarkable communication is betweenmothers and babies.

Enid Balint in “UnconsciousCommunication” talks about how much themother’s general mood is absorbed by theinfant”– how alive or dead she may feel,what

unconscious anxieties she is experiencing –that may or may not be related to the baby.Her paper goes on to explain how traumasfrom the generation before can be communi-cated, unconsciously to the next generationand impact profoundly. She describes thepsychoanalytic treatment of Kay, mother ofone child,married to a professional man,whoenjoyed her family, home, garden and posses-sions. Nevertheless, Kay experienced boutsof serious debilitating depression, whichturned out, were connected to trauma expe-rienced by her own mother. Kay’s motherlost her foster family at age 2 _ when adopt-ed into a new, accepting and loving family.Kay’s mother’s conscious description of heradoptive family was happy, but her uncon-scious trauma of her first losses (her mother;her foster family) was forever embeddedwithin her.Then her baby, Kay, was born, andthe buried pain was passed onto Kay. It

impacted powerfully on Kay’s life.This diffi-culty manifested itself, when Kay wouldbecome seriously depressed at times – par-ticularly near her birthday (birth day). Shealso panicked at “losing” things. Eventually, itcame to light that Kay’s illness was related toher trying to cope with the deep pain of hermother’s loss, embedded deep within Kaythat she had “absorbed” from her own moth-er, also having to do with the mother’s “birth”day and the mother who gave her up.NeitherKay, nor her mother were aware of howpowerful the mother’s loss had been ineither of their lives.Years after her mother’sbirth loss, Kay’s depressive illness was theresult of her trying to master this troublefrom her mother’s early childhood. It wasonly by finally understanding how powerfulthis trauma had been, how it had been com-municated to Kay via her mother, and thecomplex ways that Kay had reacted to it(guilt for her mother’s pain) that Kay wasable to finally get better and resolve thispainful anxiety that had been embeddedwithin her.

Some of the broad range of subjectsaddressed in this book are: babies crying, abottle fed baby who clearly got all the emo-tional benefits of “the breast”, what it meansto parents to lose one twin prior to birth,par-enting a baby with a birth defect, under-standing the language of babies, sleep prob-lems of babies and young children, and theeffects on the mental health of a mother whogives birth.

In every paper, I found important informa-tion not readily available in the popular par-ent education literature. A specific exampleis in Juliet Hopkins paper,“Therapeutic inter-ventions in infancy: two contrasting cases ofpersistent crying”. She talks about the signsof trouble in infants – sleeping problems,incessant rocking, breath-holding, persistentmasturbation, head-banging and other formsof self-harm. They are susceptible to “disor-ders of mood”, persistent crying and scream-ing, whining and misery, apathy and with-drawal. She also outlines a number of eatingproblems – failure to thrive, food refusal, andalso diarrhoea, constipation, asthma, eczema,and later toilet training and speech difficul-ties. Hanna, a case example, was a six-monthold baby,born to a schizophrenic mother,andkept in hospital for one month until fosterplacement.Hanna screamed,would not makeeye contact and was very stiff when held byher foster mother. Her paediatrician fearedthis was autism – had Hanna inherited a psy-chotic constitution from her mother?

PARENT-INFANT PSYCHODYNAMICSWILD THINGS, MIRRORS AND GHOSTS

GOOD BOOKS - MORE THAN A REVIEW

Every paper included inParent-Infant Psychodynamicsgives important information

that can help mothers, fathers,grandparents and professionalsdealing with this stage of life

understand that complex factorsthat help (or interfere with)

mothers and babies becoming“tuned” to one another.

Continued on page 13


By Lydia Furman M.D.

Dr. Lydia Furman is Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, Division ofGeneral Academic Pediatric, Rainbow Babies and Children’sHospital, Cleveland Ohio. She is also consultant to HannaPerkins School in Cleveland.“Doctor Doctor” columns, in February, April and August 2003issues, share three children’s stories that are real, and illustrate afew important points. School failure is rarely an isolated prob-lem, and is more often the symptom of another problem.When aschool cries “attention deficit”, it usually means their evaluationhas not revealed the cause of the child’s difficulties, and furtherevaluation, not medication, are needed.

M edical diseases alone rarely cause failing grades. If a studentcontinues to have difficulty, academic testing performed atschool must be repeated, preferably outside the school sys-

tem. Finally, if home and school are not safe places, and this must beexplored directly, no amount of testing or tutoring can help.Likewise, assessment of the child’s emotional functioning is crucial,because when psychological difficulties interfere, progress in learn-ing is usually blocked.

Parents should request guidance when seeking testing or therapy.The training, experience and orientation of the evaluating psycholo-gist or therapist are very important. It is always important to find aclinician who takes all aspects of a child’s life into considerationwhen deciding upon the best course of action.

For earlier columns, see www.barbaraburrows.comand follow magazine link.

Case #3A third child,eight year old Tommy,arrives because the school told

mother he might need to see a neurologist or have treatment for“attention problems”. Despite testing, retention for grade one, andintensive individualized instruction, Tommy is not doing well. Theschool system has a good reputation and staff are concerned and car-ing.

Tommy is occasionally up to pranks at school,and frequently does-n’t seem to be listening, but is not aggressive or out of control. He isa good and well-behaved boy at home, performing chores and beinghelpful in a busy home with multiple siblings. Mother says he is gen-erally healthy. He had a hernia operation at age two and snores loud-ly with irregular breathing at night.

He has a normal exam except for an ear infection and large tonsils.The ear infection is treated and his hearing is normal on follow up.A “sleep study,” in which Tommy’s sleep is monitored in the hospitalthroughout the night, reveals that his snoring does not cause anyproblems with breathing or oxygenation.

His independent educational testing confirms normal intelligence.A psychological assessment reveals numerous interfering emotionalfactors, including a bereavement several years ago, issues with selfesteem,and questions about both an older sibling’s whereabouts, andworry about his father’s health. In fact, it is remarkable that Tommyhas any mental energy left for schoolwork at all. His mother was ableto respond kindly and sensitively to his evaluation, and therapy isbeginning.

Trouble at School P A R T 3

DOCTOR DOCTOR

George MonkmanOakville Ontario

W hen it came time for oursecond child, we wantedLiam to be part of the

entire process. Liam and I wentto every prenatal visit. Our doc-tor was very thoughtful and letLiam be her assistant during thevisits. Liam helped to take mywife’s blood pressure and helpedto hold the device to listen to thebaby’s heartbeat and even heldher hand when the doctor meas-ured her belly. He would saycomforting words the entiretime to his mom during theexam, saying things like,“its okayMommy, you’ll be just fine.” Liamwas very protective of both hismother and the baby and feltthat he had an important role.Incidentally, Liam’s name means,“protector”.

My wife, Ann talked to Liamfrequently about his new brotheror sister and told him about theimportant role that he wouldplay in the future. As a result, hedid not really feel threatened bythe new arrival. In fact, he wouldbeam with pride as he toldeveryone,“I am going to be a BIGbrother!” Being two years old,Liam was ever so anxious for asibling to play with, that hewould often ask his mom “Is thebaby ready yet?” To his question,my wife would reply,“No, not yetbut when he’s ready he’ll comeout.”

Liam came to the ultrasoundvisits as well and had the chanceto see the first images of hisbrother or sister. We decided toask the gender of the baby andlearned that Liam would have anew baby brother. My wife putconsiderable thought into a newname and came up with Eliott.Once again, we chose to keepthe name within the family andbegan calling him Eliott with fivemonths left to go. Although wedid not tell Liam that it was asecret, he somehow knewinstinctively not to tell anyonethe name of the baby. When Ann

talked to Liam about the baby,she always called him Eliott.

A few weeks after Liamturned three years old, Eliott wasborn. Other than me, Liam wasthe first family member to wel-come his newborn brother. Hewas so happy and excited andsurprisingly gentle with Eliott.He quickly accepted him into thefamily and took on his importantrole as the big brother. In thebeginning, he would guard hismother and brother from all visi-tors and not allow anyone nearthem, telling them to “Go and getyour own baby brother!” Hehelped his mother by getting dia-pers or bottles and playing withEliott. Liam even fed our dog,Sam, when mom was busy withthe baby.

Although there have beentimes when Liam has becomeupset because he was not gettingAnn’s full attention or Eliott wasplaying with his toys, these feel-ings quickly vanished when hesaw how Eliott smiled every timehe saw him.Both Ann and I madesure that Liam felt included in allactivities involving Eliott.

The most important decisionthat we made early on in eachpregnancy was for each of us tobe involved and play a role dur-ing the pregnancy and after oursons were born.

I am planning a new traditionwhich I am starting this year formy birthday. I enjoy woodwork-ing and building things so I call itmy, “creating good memorieswith my son” time. I bought eachof my sons a craft/gift whichallows us to both work on a proj-ect together. They each get myundivided attention when we dotheir project and I hope it will beas memorable for them as it willcertainly be for me. As they getolder, these crafts will becomemore elaborate. I look forward tothe days when we are buildingfurniture together or doing someother construction project. Ihave already started to buildsmall woodworking projectswith my oldest son Liam.

Helping siblings to be part of it allLiam and Elliott Monkman


T he parenting and child development experts at Invest inKids have developed Comfort, Play & Teach: A PositiveApproach to Parenting—a simple approach built on the

everyday activities that are part of a parent’s daily routine.

Comfort is the first thing that babies need from theirparents. When you comfort your infant, she learns tofeel secure, loved and valued.

TIP: Crying newborns who receive a quick, warm responseusually learn to cry less and sleep more at night. Remember,you can’t spoil an infant by responding to her needs.

Play is the “work of children”, and you are an essentialpartner. When you play with your baby, he learns toexplore and discover the world and his role in it.

TIP: Make play part of your everyday routine. Diaper chang-ing, bath or mealtime offer a chance to sing a song, play peek-a-boo, or play with toys together. As you explore and laughtogether you’ll watch your baby develop his understanding ofthe world and the people in it.

Teach is how parents help babies learn. When youteach your infant, she learns how to relate to others,solve problems and communicate.

TIP: Talk to your baby right from infancy. As she hears thewords you use to describe objects or events, she begins to learnabout language.

When you comfort, play with and teach your little one, youopen up a world of possibilities. Visit the website at:www.investinkids.ca , for more Comfort, Play & Teach ideas.

Tip for Babies –Comfort, play & teach

From “The Emotional Life of a Toddler”by Alicia Lieberman (P 84)

F ourteen month old Alan has learned a new word “ousside”and he stands at the door,banging, repeating his new wordover and over. When he can’t do what he wants by him-

self, like climb up into his high chair, or open the front door togo “ousside”, he may become furious, but often refuses adulthelp and punishes himself quiet deliberately by banging hishead loudly and repeatedly on the hard, uncarpeted floor.

Although common behaviour in toddlers, we don’t want togive toddlers the idea it is good to punish oneself for failure.Adam refuses to be comforted by his mother’s hugs – hesquirms and fusses when she tries to hold him, so she puts himin his crib. She worries that this is punitive, but stands by, talk-ing softly and watches Alan as he bangs his head softly on themattress and continues to discharge the motor tension in a safeplace. He settles, and his positive response convinces his moth-er that she found the right way to sooth Alan.

Lieberman’s explains that Alan’s crib is a comforting con-tainer for his unruly emotions. Alan rejects his parents effort tocomfort; he is a child who experiences hugging and holding asa physical restraint that it is extremely unpleasant for him whenupset.

Toddlers often do respond this way – refusing parents phys-ical comforts when they are at the height of ambivalence –simultaneously wishing to be comforted by the parent and atthe same time wanting to assert their own autonomy.Lieberman explains,“The conflict may be expressed by turningagainst the mother or father and hitting them or pushing themaway.”What helps the child most is when the parents are ableto serve as the recipient of the child’s inner conflict, and likeAlan’s mother, find a way to soothe and comfort the childrespecting his strong and difficult wish to push his parentsaway at the same time that he needs them.

Lieberman continues,“It is better not to leave toddlers alonewhen they are having a tantrum.They need their parents as asecure base that will not leave them in the lurch when they arefeeling alone, angry, and scared by the intensity of their emo-tions. If a parent can respond calmly rather than with anger oremotional withdrawal, the child’s ambivalence will resolveitself in the course of development as he becomes better ableto negotiate being close versus being separate andautonomous.” (P 85)

Tip for Tots –Containing the “head banging”

rage of a toddler


“I like you but not whatyou did or said.” This“separating the deed

from the doer” is commonadvice for parents, but can wereally separate what we dofrom who we are?

How would a smart youngexecutive, having made a verycareful presentation to animportant consor-tium of businessmen like to hear“Jim, we like youvery much, butthis work is sim-ply not accept-able.” Would amother, havingstruggled througha very difficultepisode with herraging three year old whowouldn’t leave the park, enjoy“Sue, I really like you so verymuch, but I think the way youhandled your child right nowwas not thought through care-fully!” Could any of us hearsuch comments without feel-ing the sharp sting of criti-cism?

Our behaviour is an expres-

sion of who we are and howwe are feeling at the time.Criticism of a child’s behav-iour is a criticism of the childand it stings a child even morethan the comments in theabove examples would stingan adult. The adult, althoughpleased to have the respectand good will of peers does

not depend uponsuch for his secu-rity.

A child deter-mines his or herworth by the par-ent’s evaluation.If the parent feelspleased, the childfeels good inside.If the parent criti-cises the child’s

behaviour, the child feelsbadly. It is possible to managea child’s behaviour andobserve reasonable limitswithout criticism – watch forsome thoughts on this topicnext issue.

Next issue – some thoughtson managing a child’sbehaviour

It is possible tomanage a child’s

behaviour and observereasonable limitswithout criticism.

Tip for Kids –Separate deed

from doer?

W hen teenagers abusethe parents’ creditcard, likely the teen is

struggling with some very dif-ficult unresolved angry feel-ings. Parents are furious to dis-cover teens have taken a cred-it card and run up an unex-pected bill. The desire to pun-ish the teenager isstrong, but pun-ishments do notusually motivateteens to under-stand what wentwrong. Workingwith the teenagerto establish a planfor retribution, ascalmly as possible,is likely the best way to pro-ceed.

Does the teen have a job?If so, at what rate can theyrepay their bill? If the teenhas no job, could they dosome work for the parents?The job, the rate of pay andthe standard of work requiredshould be clearly discussed,agreed upon and written

down.Don’t purposely tempt a

teen who has demonstratedpoor impulse control by leav-ing money or credit cardslying around; on the otherhand, locking cash and creditcards away (unless absolutelynecessary) is insulting and can

make teens feelvery alienatedand the need todo so can makeparents very dis-c o u r a g e d .Depending onthe level ofimpulse controlthe teen hasdemonstrated,

keeping valuables out of sightis probably the most tactfulway to proceed.

An isolated example ofteenage abuse of a parent’scredit card is probably not tooserious, especially if the teenis remorseful and eager tomake restitution; ongoingabuse would be reason toseek professional help.

Working with theteenager to establish a

plan for retribution,as calmly as possible,is likely the best way

to proceed.

Tip for Teens –Teens abuse the credit

card privilege


Diana Mandel M. Ed.

Diana Mandell M.Ed.; Licensed MentalHealth Counsellor works with mothers andtheir babies in Redmond Pediatric,Redmond Washington helping mothers geta deeper understanding of the emotionalneeds of themselves and their infants. Sheis married and she and her husband havetwo grown daughters.

F or eight years I’ve been telling mothersin my psychoeducational supportgroups at Redmond Pediatrics to talk to

their infants. Babies respond to the tone of avoice, to feelings, and to being included.

Years of research on infancy have shownus that infants are far more capable than wesuspected. I’ve had many experiences talkingto babies, or of having mothers do so, withamazing results. It happens enough to raisethe question of how much babies reallyunderstand. The word infant means withoutspeech; it does not mean without under-standing. On the contrary; it’s a time of grow-ing understanding.

The following example will alert you tothe many opportunities you have to talk toyour baby. By doing this, I believe you’llenhance their emotional development andcomfort.

A young mother in one group was dis-tressed because she had to return to work forfive hours a day.Her two-month-old breastfeddaughter refused to take a bottle.This moth-er was panicked about the survival of herbaby if she wouldn’t take a bottle. (Thoughthe baby would have made up for those fivehours when actually with her mother.) Still,this was important for the mother’s peace ofmind. She described attempts to bottle feed.Her daughter turned away and vigorouslyfought off all efforts made by both her andher husband. It was clear that the baby knewwhat she wanted, and it wasn’t a bottle. I sug-gested she gently talk to her baby’s anger.Tellher simply what was happening and why thebottle was important now. Let her know thatall of the hours she would be with her moth-er she would be able to breastfeed. Shereported that it took two days of this gentlebut firm talk before her daughter acceptedthe bottle. Chance, maybe, but it’s possiblesomething else was going on here.Maybe thebaby picked up on the assurance, concern,and tone as she listened.I received a call froma mother who had been in one of my group.Her four-month-old son had begun to protestat bedtime.These protests were getting more

intense, and both parents were frustrated. Isuggested she talk to her son. Let him knowhow exciting the world has become to himand how disappointing it feels to let go andfall asleep.Three days later his mother calledback.Things had improved, and not only wasshe talking to her baby, but so was her hus-band. I asked what she had said. She told himshe knew it was difficult to go to sleep andassured him that everything would wait andbe there when he woke up.

Too easy, you say. It’s always a surprise tohear about the effectiveness of such a simpleand loving method. Babies vary greatly intheir behavioral styles. Because of these dif-

ferences this method may work well forsome infants, but not others.

When I started doing these groups, I recalla mother telling me the following: One nightshe was putting her baby back into thebassinet. It was the early months and she wasexhausted. She felt she had been physicallyrough with the baby. Her touch wouldn’thave been considered abusive, but it was of acareless, less considerate fashion. She hadthen had some strong feelings that her babyfelt this mishandling. She decided that nomatter how tired she was, she needed tomanage it differently. Can we prove that herbaby registered this treatment? Though wecan’t if the baby doesn’t say, it would beunlikely for the baby not to feel it. Babies canbe like tiny feeling sensors, as this is howthey read their world.

We also identify with our babies. Thisidentification comes from maternal andpaternal sensitivity, heightened vulnerability,and some deep memory traces of our owninfancy. On some level, because we were allonce infants, we do remember. Having mem-ories enhances parenting.

A seasoned mother told me that when heryoungest was five months old, her babywould suck her thumb after nursing andseem to be thinking deeply.The mother start-ed saying:A penny for your thoughts?” to herbaby. This continued for months. When thechild was two, the first gift she gave to hermother happened to be a penny.

When my first child was four months oldmy beloved grandfather died.We’d planned atrip to see him, and it was just weeks beforethis trip that he passed away. I was so dis-traught with the news that I sat down,put mydaughter on my lap, and put on some music.I told her about her great-grandfather andabout my sadness. On that particular day wesat together and listened to music for hours.Did she understand what I had shared? Sheunderstood enough to allow me time to sitwith my feelings.

One last example is that of a mother whodescribed what it was like taking care of hertwo-month-old colicky son. She noted theway he looked to her, though she wasn’t ableto take away his pain. She felt his helpless-ness and intense distress. He was comingapart, she said. When she finally settled himdown she felt wiped out. I told her thatalthough she couldn’t relieve him, she couldtalk him through it. The following week sheshared,“I put into words what was going oninside of him as best I could. I told him howbadly I felt that he hurt like this. I told him we

The word infant meanswithout speech;

it does not meanwithout understanding.

F E A T U R E

Talk to your baby

Continued on page 13


by Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D.

Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D. is a psycholo-gist with a special interest in multipleintelligences, the myth of ADD/ADHD,and the natural genius of kids. He is alsoan award-winning author and speakerwith thirty years of teaching experiencefrom the primary through the doctorallevel, and over one million copies of hisbooks in print on issues related to learn-ing and human development. For moreinformation, see http://thomasarm-strong.com/

Part 1 and 2 of this series appears inBarbara Burrows Parenting in April,June, 2003 (www.barbaraburrows.com )and the final part will appear inOctober 2003.

In Search ofa Deficit

E ven if we admit that such tests couldtell the difference between childrenlabeled ADD and “normal” children,

recent evidence suggests that there reallyaren’t any significant differences betweenthese two groups. Researchers at theHospital for Sick Children in Toronto, forexample, discovered that the performanceof children who had been labeled ADD didnot deteriorate over time on a continuousperformance task any more than did that ofa group of so-called normal children. Theyconcluded that these “ADD children” didnot appear to have a unique sustainedattention deficit.”

In another study, conducted at theUniversity of Groningen in theNetherlands, children were presented withirrelevant information on a task to see ifthey would become distracted from theircentral focus, which involved identifyinggroups of dots (focusing on groups of fourdots and ignoring groups of three or fivedots) on a piece of paper. So-called hyper-active children did not become distractedany more than so-called normal children,leading the researchers to conclude thatthere did not seem to be a focused atten-tion deficit in these children.”Other studies

have suggested that “ADD children” don’tappear to have problems with short-termmemory or with other factors that areimportant in paying attention.”Where, then,is the attention deficit?

A Model of Machinesand Disease

The ADD myth is essentially a paradigmor world view that has certain assumptionsabout human beings at its core.”Unfortunately, the beliefs about humancapacity addressed in the ADD paradigmare not terribly positive ones. It appears asif the ADD myth tacitly endorses the viewthat human beings function very much likemachines. From this perspective,ADD rep-resents something very much like amechanical breakdown. This underlyingbelief shows up most clearly in the kinds ofexplanations that parents, teachers, and

professionals give to children labeled ADDabout their problems. In one book for chil-dren titled Otto Learns About HisMedicine, a red car named Otto goes to amechanic after experiencing difficulties incar school. The mechanic says to Otto,“Your motor does go too fast,” and he rec-ommends a special car medicine .

While attending a national conferenceon ADD, I heard experts share similar waysof explaining ADD to children, includingcomparisons to planes (“Your mind is likea big jet plane ... you’re having trouble inthe cockpit), a car radio (“You have troublefiltering out noise”),and television (“You’reexperiencing difficulty with the channelselector”). These simplistic metaphorsseem to imply that human beings reallyaren’t very complex organisms and thatone simply needs to find the right wrench,use the proper gas, or tinker with theappropriate circuit box - and all will bewell. They are also just a short hop awayfrom more insulting mechanicalmetaphors (“Your elevator doesn’t go allthe way to the top floor”).

The other feature that strikes me asbeing at the heart of the ADD myth is thefocus on disease and disability. I was par-ticularly struck by this mindset whileattending a workshop with a leadingauthority on ADD who started out his lec-ture by saying that he would treat ADD as amedical disorder with its own etiology(causes), pathogenesis (development), clin-ical features (symptoms),and epidemiology(prevalence). Proponents of this view talkabout the fact that there is “no cure” forADD and that parents need to go through a“grieving process” once they receive a“diagnosis”. “ADD guru Russell Barkleycommented in a recent address:“Althoughthese children do not look physically dis-abled, they are neurologically handicappednonetheless.... Remember, this is a disabledchild.” Absent from this perspective is anymention of a child’s potential or other man-ifestations of health - traits that are crucialin helping a child achieve success in life. Infact, the literature on the strengths, talents,and abilities of children labeled ADD isalmost nonexistent.

ADD:Does it really exist?P A R T 3

F E A T U R E


By CJM

(The author of this story chooses to remainanonymous to protect the identity of the stu-dents, whose names have been changed!)

I see myself more as a “facilitator” than“teacher” of adolescents. It is exciting to wit-ness the diversity of ideas generated by a body

of students who are engaged wholeheartedly inlearning. What initially drew me to changecareers at age 40, from “designer” to “teacher”,was my desire to motivate students to think, cre-ate, learn, and feel good about themselves.However,Students need to feel good about them-selves in order to find success in thinking, creat-ing and learning.

I have come upon experiences that I neverdreamed of - for example two angry youngwomen exploding into a vicious fight in myGrade 10 English Class.

If a young person is plagued with a lot ofproblems and worries, it is difficult for informa-tion to penetrate,or ideas to be generated.To fur-ther compound this, the student who is boggeddown with unresolved family issues, feels frus-trated because he/she falls behind in school.Lack of success at home, with family or friends,in addition to school, can cause some young peo-ple to “act out” in order to relieve some of thepressure.And, you don’t know when and wherethis will take place and sometimes “who”is goingto explode.

As a new teacher, I did not receive any trainingin regards to how to stop a fight between stu-dents in a classroom. It was my motheringinstincts, perhaps, that helped me recognize thebasic need (comfort? love?, non-judgmentallove?...despite the fact they were “acting out”)that was missing from two, angry young womenin my class. I was teaching grade 10 English in aportable,which was situated adjacent to the foot-ball field, and parking lot. We were not a class-room in a school, but rather a classroom out inthe field. I wonder sometimes if this had anybearing on the incident that took place, (it is pos-sible that students may take more risks knowingthat there is more distance between administra-tion and our portable than the other classroomsthat are closely situated within the school) in thefall of my first year of teaching.

When Rita arrived to my class in September, Icould see that she was suffering from emotionalpain. She was 17, (two years older than her class-mates), arrived late to class regularly, and basical-ly rebelled against any school rule, or authoritari-an figure for that matter. What I didn’t knowabout Rita, was that she had been previouslycharged with assault on two separate occasions.Rita had no support from family, because shelived on her own in an apartment in town. I gaveRita “space” and positive attention and chose todownplay and redirect her minor displays ofrebellion into something more productive. Forexample, she had been suspended for swearingat and defying a teacher’s request for Rita toremove her hat in class. (students are not allowedto wear hats/head gear in the school). Followingthis suspension, she continued to wear her hat

when she arrived to my class. Instead of callingout to her to remove her hat as soon as sheentered the door, I motioned her with a hand ges-ture to remove her hat,while I greeted her.Whenshe chose to ignore me (I guessed she was feel-ing lousy and wanted some attention), Iapproached her (in a non-threatening manner)and asked her to remove her hat in a calm (andapproving?) voice while inquiring about how shewas doing, etc. I then (moved on) addressed theclass with the “agenda” for the period. At thispoint, she removed her hat. I realized that thereare bound to be visible wounds on someone whowas in so much pain. She wasn’t the only unhap-py adolescent in my classroom who was teemingwith suppressed anger. In this class of 32 diversestudents, was another young woman, Sara, whohad serious family and anger management issues.I had no idea, at the time, that this student had ahistory of “fighting” and a hair trigger rage. Sowhen I turned momentarily to write somethingon the blackboard, I wasn’t alarmed when a(minor) verbal exchange took place betweenSarah and another boy in the class.The male stu-dent was offering an opinion which related to astory I had just finished reading aloud. In hindsight, I did sense an increasing level of frustrationemanating from Sarah within a few short min-utes. When she snapped at the boy to be quiet,Rita, who was slumped in her front seat position,interjected “Just leave him alone”.That did it.

Sarah leapt up from her seat and challengedRita to a fight.While the rest of us were stunnedfrozen, two miserable girls (who did not knoweach other) “engaged” in a bloody war. It wasemotional pain that “engaged” these two. I shout-ed at them to stop, and even tried to pry the twotall and muscular girls apart. My attempts to dis-engage the two from their boxing match provedto be ineffectual. Seconds passed and instinctive-ly, I realized that I needed to make sure the

remaining students were safe, while I called theoffice for help. I directed the speechless specta-tors to line up along the classroom walls. I sent astudent to alert the office,while I requested helpover the intercom. I called upon a very strong,reliable male student to help me calm the girlsdown.They were stronger than us physically, sowe continued to try to deescalate the girls withour calm, verbal reasoning. It wasn’t until thegirls dropped to the floor, kicking each other ontheir sides with a fistful of hair in hand, that I sawhow vulnerable and frightened they were. Icrouched down in front of them, and placed ahand reassuringly on both Sara and Rita’s faces. Istroked their hair, and clasped their hands, hop-ing their steadfast grips would slacken. Trance-like, I calmly told them how beautiful and intelli-gent they were, never releasing my hand fromtheir heads and arms.

Their vigorous movements became slowerand calmer, until they released their grips andstopped kicking altogether.They jumped up onto their feet and continued the assault “verbally.”I needed to separate the two,so I directed one ofthem out the door.The other girl followed.Theystaggered out, together, towards two VP’s, thePrincipal, and guidance counsellor who wereresponding to our call for help.

The girls were suspended; Sara received thelonger suspension of the two because she “start-ed” the fight. I phoned Barbara Burrows follow-ing the incident to see how I could help my classdeal with the aftermath, and reintegrate Sara andRita, safely, into the classroom. I wanted to learneffective strategies to prevent this from occur-ring in my classroom again.

Barbara suggested that students write reflec-tions about how they felt while they stoodwatching helplessly; they didn’t have to signtheir name, nor did they have to submit it to me.Barbara related some valuable advice regarding“anger and self-control” that I use regularly in myclassroom today. She suggested that if a fight isabout to break out, or someone is about to “loseit”, it can help to reassure them that they are stillin control, and commend them for “maintaining”self-control. Once a person feels that they havetotally “lost” control, it is harder for them to gainit back. She further suggested that I empowerboth girls to leave the classroom whenever theyfelt anger building inside them; all that wasrequired of them, was to raise a hand to signalthat they needed “time out”. Sara used this strate-gy throughout the semester; she would signal,then tell me exactly where she would be in theschool, in case the administration or I needed tocontact her.

An amazing bond between Sara and I, and Ritaand I resulted from this incident. Immediately fol-lowing the fight, the administration told me thatboth girls were concerned about me, andinquired how I was doing.They both approachedme in the office later, and apologized.Throughout the semester Rita often stayed inafter school to share her poetry with me, andslowly disclosed much of the personal challengesshe was faced with. On the last day of classes,Sarah gave me a hug and said that she hoped Iwould be her English teacher next semester.

A terrifying fight in the classroomO U R R E A D E R S S H A R E


From the author of Inside Picture Books

Dear Barbara,

T hank you so much for that lovely, sensitive review of my book. I amhonoured. Just glancing over your own work, I see that you are doingand writing and finding wonderful treasures for parents.

I would like very much to share an experience with you because I thinkyou will understand. This past term (I am now at the University of Maryland,not in California at Stanford any longer), I taught a very intense seminar forsixteen students called “Art and the Cultures of Childhood.” My studentswere mainly undergraduates, but the youngest was barely nineteen and theeldest had just turned fifty. They read all sorts of things with me—- Aries andFraiberg and Bettelheim and Erikson and some of my own work and Tatar’sedited collection of fairy tales and so on. We also saw a number of films andchildren’s television programs. Throughout the semester, they wrote shortresponse papers, and always I encouraged themto dig deeply into their own childhoods. To myastonishment, no fewer than three studentsreported independently to me that over thecourse of the term their relationships with theirown parents had significantly improved and thatthey had begun to feel much closer to them thanbefore. They told me that they were phoninghome asking what they had feared at nightwhen they were little,what dreams their parentscould remember them having, what stories theyloved best. For their final projects, I gave themthe opportunity to be imaginative,and some cre-ated picture books for young children with textsthat described their processes of deliberation.These projects all passed through several stageswith feedback from me along the way.

One was made by a student in her late 20’s whose mother is now dyingof cancer. The student has a married sister and a small nephew namedMason who is about four years old. Her book was written (illustrated withcolor photographs) and photographed from the little boy’s point of view,which she captured with exquisite sensitivity. The book describes the rela-tionship this child has with his grandmother (my student’s mother) towhom he has given the nickname Elmo, and it is a profounding affectingwork. Little Mason tells us what he loves about his Elmo—-the way he snug-gles with her and how she bakes delicious ooey-gooey chocolate chip cook-ies for him and gives him permission

to do things that imply trust and confidence (such as walking her doggiesall by himself). Then, the child notices that his grandma has begun to weara hat all the time, that she must put her feet up, that she yawns a lot, and heis told that he must be gentle when he hugs her. He misses her during theperiods when visits cease. One day his mother (my student’s sister) takeshim to a store to buy a present for Elmo,and he decides upon a special teddybear that can be programmed with a recording. Asked what he wants tohave the bear say, he promptly responds:“I love you, Elmo.” Bears must havenames; so he decides to call the bear “Lucky.” On the next page, Masonbrings the bear to Elmo, shows her how to squeeze its foot so as to make itspeak, and when the bear speaks in his own voice, he watches her faceintently to see whether she likes it. He smiles at the pleasure it brings her.After listening to the bear, Elmo responds in kind with the words “I love youtoo, Mason.”

This is the last page. Unfortunately, I cannot describe the artistry of thebook, but I know you will be able to imagine it. It brought tears to my eyes.

And projects by other students did as well.For the final day of my class, I told the students that it is important in all

traditions to eat together, and I asked each one to bring in (to share) somespecial food from their own childhoods that they particularly loved and thento tell us all about it. We had such a wonderful time. I was as sad when theterm ended as when I was a little girl and cried at the end of each schoolyear to realize that I would be losing my teacher!

Anyway, Barbara, I thought somehow that you would understand this.

Ellen Handler Spitz(author – Inside Picture Books – review appears at www.barbarabur-

rows.com – magazine link – June 2003)

L E T T E R S O U R R E A D E R S S H A R E

Stories my childrenlove to hear

By Lynda SlomkaHamilton, ON

T he work of Ellen Handler Spitz, and her book“Inside Picture Books” (Barbara BurrowsParenting Magazine June 2003) brings to mind

the stories I’ve told my children that seems to helpthem on many different levels. My older son Jameswas about 2 years old when I told him his first story.We had read many picture books together by thenbut when I held him in his rocking chair with nobook in hand, and “spoke” the story I had inventedjust for him,he became transfixed.The tale I conjuredup was intended to simply delight him. He adoredtractors, excavators, front-end loaders and other big-wheeled vehicles so they became my inspiration. Ithen added a boy very much like my son – same age,hair colour,etc. and he became the central figure.Thiswas the true pleasure of the story for him. The fic-tional boy was able to operate the trucks and tractorsdoing things that were beyond the scope of a toddler.

After James requesting this story many times Idecided to branch out a little and develop some otherthemes. When James had difficulty leaving me to goto sleep at night, I told him about a boy who didn’twant to go to bed.A rather large bird appeared on hiswindow sill one night and offered to take him for aride. He hopped on the bird’s back and soaredthrough the night sky, over the houses and treetops.The boy realized everyone was asleep but him and itwas rather lonely outside. He desperately wanted togo back to his bed and sleep so he could be awake inthe morning and play with his friends. James wasusually ready to go to bed at this point. So yes, therewas something in it for me.

James now has a little brother Liam who has hisown requests for stories. He fights fires and battlesbad guys through his story “hero”. He also asks forstories about things he is struggling to understand.Hebroke his leg recently and on the surface seemedundisturbed. One day he came across a tree in aforested area that had fallen over. He asked for a storyabout the “broken tree”. I didn’t make the connec-tion at the time,so I told him how a windy storm withlightning could have broken the tree. All the othertrees were sad that the tree fell over, but they lookedaround and saw new young trees sprouting up andthat made them feel happy. Liam asked for this onemany times.Weeks after his cast has been removed, ifhe sees a broken tree, he wants to hear it yet again.(Once I clued into his curiosity about what happensto a tree after it breaks, I did tell him how his legwould heal, unlike the tree.)

I’ve found storytelling to be a wonderful way toconnect with my children, even when there isn’t acurative or moral intent. It isn’t easy. I have to reallystretch my imagination to make a story flow, addingdetails that will resonate with them. I once heard thatone of the great things about telling a story to kids isthat they get to see something of the struggle it takesto create something.They can identify with that feel-ing in you, as you make your best effort to “do it well”from their own efforts and challenges. What I likebest is that you get to snuggle close, look into theirface filled with anticipation, and make their eyessparkle with joy.


Advisors to Barbara Burrowsare professionals with extensiveexperience in both clinical workand research in childdevelopment.They arecommitted to helping familiesresolve the underlyingdifficulties that lead topsychological symptoms inchildren, without the use ofmedication wherever possible.

The members of the advisoryboard contribute articles to themagazine on a regular basis,and oversee the professionalintegrity of articles published inthe magazine.

This advisory board insuresthat material printed inBarbara Burrows’ publicationreflects the body of knowledgedeveloped by childpsychoanalysts, together withdevelopmentalists (attachmenttheory, developmentalneurobiology and infantresearch).

Thomas F. Barrett Ph.D.Clinical Psychologist,Child/Adolescent Psychoanalyst,Director and Faculty Member,Cleveland Center for Research inChild Development and HannaPerkins School.

Sylvia Brody Ph.D. Post graduate work at TheMenninger Foundation,Author offive books, numerous papers andseven films on maternalbehaviour on infant and childdevelopment, Extensive clinicalresearch in infant and childdevelopment.

James W. DeutschM.D. Ph.D. F.R.C.P. (C)Graduate of Yale University (M.D.)and California Institute ofTechnology (Ph.D.), Director ofYouthdale Psychiatric CrisisService,Youthdale TreatmentCentre,Toronto.

Judith Deutsch M.S.WClinical Social Worker, Graduate ofUniversity of California atBerkeley, Post-Graduate Studies atMount Zion Hospital PsychiatricClinic, California.

Margaret-AnnFitzpatrick-Hanly Ph.D.Psychoanalyst,Adjunct Professorof Psychiatry, U. of Toronto.Faculty - Toronto Institute ofPsychoanalysis, Editor of a bookon masochism, author of severalpapers on psychoanalysis &literature.

Norman Rosenblood Ph.D.Training and SupervisingPsychoanalyst,Professor Emeritus of HumanitiesMcMaster UniversityMember of Faculty -TorontoInstitute of Psychoanalysis.

Otto Weininger Ph. D, C. Psych.Clinical Psychologist -Psychoanalyst,Member of Faculty - TorontoInstitute of ContemporaryPsychoanalysis,Professor Emeritus O.I.S.E.,U of T - Toronto,Author of 12 books andnumerous papers.

Barbara Burrows ParentingMagazine expresses deepestgratitude for the support ofDr. and Mrs. Furman duringtheir illustrious careers.

Erna Furman1926 - 2002Faculty Member Department ofPsychiatry, Case Western ReserveSchool of Medicine, ClevelandPsychoanalytic Society;Author ofseven books and over 180 articleson child development, many ofwhich have been translated intoGerman, Dutch, Finnish, Spanish,Italian, & Polish and have beenthe topics of some 450presentations to scientific andlay audiences.

Robert A. Furman M.D.1924 - 2002Pediatrician, Psychoanalyst,Training & Supervising Child,Adolescent & Adult Psychoanalyst,Author of numerous papers onchildhood development,published in both North Americaand Europe.

Barbara Burrows Parenting International Advisory Board

Hanna’s new foster mother,with two children of her own,was besideherself with this baby who would scream daily, sometimes up to fourhours and was very difficult to comfort.

The foster mother sought a psychological evaluation. Carefulexploration of the foster mother’s feelings towards Hanna, her wishto be able to help her, her worry that her own mother and husband’spredictions that “three children would be too much”,her despair thatshe wasn’t the good mother she thought herself to be, and her worryshe was failing with this child turned out to be very important.

It was also important to explore that Hanna’s needs were very dif-ferent than her two natural children. Things changed dramaticallyafter that consultation. Hanna began to smile, look at her foster moth-er and generally started to become part of the family. What made thedifference? Once the foster mother was able to articulate how upsetshe had been, and face her underlying anger and sense of failure, thishelped her see Hanna in a different light.Once she was relived of herburden, she was less determined that she could “cure” Hanna. Hannawas not able to make eye contact with her foster mother until themother could see her through more accepting eyes. Hanna was ableto settle down,and move forward in positive development,when hermother got more in touch with her own worries of failure, resent-ment and anger.Then she could become more aware of the needs ofthe infant.

In this review, I’ve touched on three of the 23 papers included inthis book. Every paper included in Parent-Infant Psychodynamicsgives important information that can help mothers, fathers, grand-parents and professionals dealing with this stage of life understandthat complex factors that help (or interfere with) mothers and babiesbecoming “tuned” to one another.

wouldn’t leave him alone.” She then added with relief that thepanic had left his face.This is a profound result.These few examplesshow what may happen with simple, caring, and attuned communi-cation. Treating babies with respect comes naturally for so manydevoted parents.This is another dimension to engage in. How mightthis relate to research on infancy? In the second edition of a brochureentitled Starting Smart, published by Zero to Three and The Ounce ofPrevention Fund, the following appears:

Researchers found that when mothers frequently spoke to theirinfants, their children learned almost 300 more words by age twothan did their peers whose mothers rarely spoke to them(Huttenlocher et. al., 1991: also, Hart and Risely, 1996). Furthermore,studies have suggested that mere exposure to language such as lis-tening to the television or to adults talking amongst themselves pro-vide little benefit. Rather, infants need to interact directly with otherhuman beings, to hear people talking about what they are seeing andexperiencing, in order for them to develop optimal language skills.Unfortunately, many parents are under the mistaken impression thattalking to babies is not very important because they are too young tounderstand what is being said.”

I suggest that the increased vocabulary reported here becomes asecondary motivation to that of the primary importance of humaninteraction. I know these kinds of communication build trust andenhance a sense of security in given situations, along with furtheringemotional development. In time researchers may be able to showearly comprehension at these most rudimentary stages.

There is an embedded parenting style in our culture that doesn’tpromote talking to babies.This is changing. I hope I’ve given you rea-sons to believe in the advantages of talking to your infants andbecoming part of this positive change.

Continued from page 4Continued from page 8

PARENT-INFANT PSYCHODYNAMICSWILD THINGS, MIRRORS AND GHOSTS

GOOD BOOKS - MORE THAN A REVIEW

Talk to your baby

barbara burrows arenting · course comment on anything in letters to the editor. no part of this...

Documents