BEER/BAR JOKES

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A beer in each hand! Q: What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke! Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?" Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: "Please, no stories!"

Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A: Nothing. Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road." Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking beer and watching a football game! Q: How can you find the guy who drank three Dog Fish Head 120? A: He's the one dancing like a jerk!

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q: Why does a beer go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color. Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for another beer! Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? A: They are both SO close to water!

Q: What do blondes and beer have in common? A: They are both empty from the neck up! Q: Where do monkeys go to grab a beer? A: The monkey bars! Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere! Q: What does a glass of a beer and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!

Q: What is a rednecks last words? A: "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!" Q: Why don't Democrats drink? A: It interferes with their suffering! Q: What does a ghost drink? A: BOO'S Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in the south? A: Open other end.

A bee goes into a bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer." Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday? Got plastered…

Mayan: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish, it won't be the end of the world. Beers don't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves. A duck walks in to a bar and says "Give me 200 beers". The bar tender says "How are you going to pay for that?" So the duck says "Just put it on my bill!!!" There once was a bar maid from Yale Upon her chest tattooed were the prices of ale And for the sake of the blind Upon her behind was the same thing in brail Life and beer are very similar ... chill for best results.

If a beer, coffee, or a nap can't cure it, you've got a serious problem. God is great, beer is good, & people are crazy. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy beer? Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question.

Love has 4 letters, but then again so does beer. Warning! Beer will make your clothes shrink. Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy beer. Beer is my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy...

Beer doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. Beer Pong is a sport, right guys? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I don't drink to forget. I drink because beer is delicious. Forgetting is just a bonus. Never text while driving, you might spill your beer. I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man. Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyway.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror. My body is not a temple ... it's a microbrewery with legs. No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? Anyone who says that beer is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home ..That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. Life is too short to drink cheap beer. A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and afterward looks into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it! A dyslexic guy walks into a bra. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a DIPA. The bartender sets the beer down and says, for you, no charge!

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! Unlike milk, it's okay to cry over spilled beer! Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? A: Nothing, he just let out a little wine. My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur. If it's not one thing she's whining about, it's something else.

Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world!