By Jim Houle

© Copyright 2009, by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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CINDERELLA CATERPILLAR

By JIM HOULE

CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines

BUG-TV BUGSPRINCE GRASSHOPPER .............positive and upbeat star of 71

“The Prince Grasshopper Show,”a big BUG-TV hit; all his dreams have come true… except one

BUGSY .....................................hapless fl y stage manager who 88is easily bullied by Queen Bea; though not too bright, he runs Prince’s show while plotting with Bea

QUEEN BEA ..............................Prince’s TV show sidekick; a 128 bossy, demanding, complaining,

whiny, no-talent prima donna who has delusions of being a star;plots Prince’s downfall along with her own rise to fame

LADYBUG 1 ...............................introduces the show; must be 22able to carry theme-song tunes; also plays SHUTTERBUG 1

LADYBUG 2 ...............................same as above; also plays 21SHUTTERBUG 2 (can be male)

FIREFLY 1 .................................effi cient stage technician; also 16plays AGENT BUG

FIREFLY 2 .................................same; also plays INTERN BUG 15

BUG-TV VISITORSCINDERELLA CATERPILLAR ......................pert and peppy girl bug with a 63

heart of gold and a dream tomake it big in Bug City; sassy inher pink caterpillar ruffl es, she possesses a sense of humor, an optimistic outlook and a drive to succeed

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STEPMOTHER SPIDER ...............a star in her own mind, this 10campy spider has had manywedding nights, and her last provided a stepdaughter for her to stage-mother

CONNIE COCKROACH ................Spider’s latest acquisition; 3devoted to snack food, sheharbors a secret dream thatdoes not include fame on BUG-TV

BUG-TV GROUPIESWANNABEE 1 ............................fanatic female fan, if a bit inept; 15

doubles as ASSISTANT BUG to CECIL B. DEMILLIPEDE

WANNABEE 2 ............................a fanatic male fan; doubles as 21CECIL B. DEMILLIPEDE, a loudand famous movie director

GADFLY 1 ..................................gossipy; always buzzing about 21the latest news; female; alsoplays MAKEOVER BUG 1

GADFLY 2 ..................................same; also plays MAKEOVER 20BUG 2

EXTRAS ....................................optional, as desired n/a

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe above Cast of Characters indicates 14 actors, but the cast can be as small as 8 or as large as 22, plus extras, with only two males required (BUGSY and DEMILLIPEDE). For a cast of 8, omit FIREFLIES, WANNABEES and GADFLIES and assign all lines to two very hard-working, fast-changing LADYBUGS—one male and one female. For a larger cast, eliminate the specifi ed doubling.

SET DESIGNThe primary focus of the stage is a TV studio set and just outside of it. UP CENTER is a platform—perhaps looking like an oversized, upside down tuna can—for the centerpiece. A sparkly shower curtain makes a nice BUG-TV studio background. Scenes not at the TV studio are played in front of it, with the TV studio darkened, if possible. Like the tuna can, the set should incorporate oversized objects that dwarf the human actors. A backdrop or large banners with huge fl owers painted on them work well. A café table and two chairs are brought on at one point to represent a café.

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CINDERELLA CATERPILLAR

LIGHTS UP: Outside BUG-TV Studios, played in front a darkened studio set. WANNABEES ENTER.WANNABEE 1: He is so hot, he’s cool.WANNABEE 2: He is so cool, he’s hot.WANNABEE 1: You’re so right!WANNABEE 2: I so know! And I so have tickets for us to watch his

show! Live! Tonight!WANNABEES: Oh, that Prince Grasshopper is so dreamy!PRINCE: (ENTERS along with GADFLIES, who hound him for autographs.

WANNABEE 2 faints and is carried OFF by WANNABEE 1. Signing autographs. To AUDIENCE.) Will you just look at me? Who would’ve thought that an ordinary little bug like me would get to be so big? Last week, no one. This week, I’m a star on BUG-TV! My dreams sure have come true, and I have everything I ever wanted… except for one thing. It’s lonely in the spotlight. If only I had someone to share it with.

FIREFLY1: (ENTERS with FIREFLY 2.) Don’t forget, Prince. We’re fi lming the commercial today.

FIREFLY 2: That’s places in fi ve minutes, Prince.PRINCE: A prince’s work is never done. (FIREFLIES EXIT.)GADFLY 1: I’ll share your spotlight with you, Prince!GADFLY 2: No, me, Prince! I’m the bug for you.GADFLY 1: I mean, after all, I saw him fi rst.GADFLY 2: Well, I see him now! (Both get close to PRINCE and hold

on to him.)PRINCE: (Tries to escape.) Uh, thanks. Sorry, gotta run. Let me go. No,

really… (SPIDER ENTERS, larger than life. GADFLIES look silently towards SPIDER, then scream comically and run OFF in the other direction with arms in the air.)

SPIDER: (Overly theatrical.) Prince Grasshopper. As I live and breathe. I’m Stepmother Spider. Perhaps you’ve heard of me? I was a headliner at the Russian Flea Room… in my youth. Anyway, last night I married a cockroach, but just moments after the ceremony, my dear sweet husband met with, ahem, mysterious circumstances. Another wedding night, another husband… life’s tough when you’re a black widow spider. (Dabs the corner of her mouth with a handkerchief.) My, but husbands come and go so quickly around me. But wait till you see his kid, my new darling stepdaughter. (Calls OFFSTAGE.) Connie! (Back to PRINCE.) She has talent, and I know talent when I see talent. (Calls OFFSTAGE

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again.) Connie, where are you? (To PRINCE.) After all, I was the queen of the Russian Flea Room… in my youth. But let’s not dwell on the past. It’s time for you to meet the bug that puts the “ug” back in bug, Connie Cockroach. (Calls again, fl ustered.) Connie? Connie?? (EXITS. CONNIE COCKROACH ENTERS with her head in an oversized snack food bag, crosses and EXITS.)

SHUTTERBUG 1: (ENTERS with SHUTTERBUG 2. They carry cameras and snap wildly when they see PRINCE.) Prince! Look, it’s Prince Grasshopper!

SHUTTERBUG 2: This picture is going to be worth a fortune! (PRINCE tries to escape.)

SHUTTERBUG 1: Smile! Hey, come back.SHUTTERBUG 2: (As SHUTTERBUG 1 speaks.) You look great in

green. Hey, where you going? (PRINCE EXITS. CINDERELLA ENTERS carrying a purse and a suitcase with the words “Bug City or Bust” written on the side.)

SHUTTERBUGS: (To CINDERELLA.) Well, are you anybody?CINDERELLA: (With total sincerity.) Yes, I am! I’m Cinderella Caterpillar,

and I’ve come to Bug City to make my dream come true.SHUTTERBUGS: (Consider her for a moment and then blow her off.)

Nope, just another nobody! (EXIT.)CINDERELLA: (Pulls out guidebook “How to Make It Big in Bug

City” from purse. Scans the book.) Blah, blah, blah… go forth and conquer. (Knocks on the side of the proscenium [or mimes knocking]. LIGHT and SOUND EFFECT indicate DOOR OPENING. With pep.) I’m Cinderella Caterpillar, and I’m here to make my dream come— (SOUND and LIGHT EFFECT of DOOR SLAM.) —true. (Goes to the opposite proscenium, enthusiasm dropped by half. Reads from book.) Blah, blah, blah… your time is now. (Knocks. DOOR OPEN EFFECT.) I’m Cinderella Caterpillar, and I’m— (DOOR SLAM EFFECT.) —not getting very far. (With even less enthusiasm, she makes it back to other proscenium while reading.) Blah, blah, blah… who writes this stuff? (Knocks, begins to walk away. AGENT BUG and INTERN BUG ENTER.)

AGENT BUG: Babe! Those ruffl es are just too, too… !CINDERELLA: Are you talking to me?INTERN BUG: Are you talking to her?AGENT BUG: Who else, babe? You—yes, you—caterpillar babe. I think

you just might have… the look! (GADFLIES ENTER.)CINDERELLA: The look?INTERN BUG/GADFLIES: The look?AGENT BUG: The look!

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GADFLY 1: They’d better do something about that dress.GADFLY 2: And that purse with those shoes? Really?GADFLIES: I don’t think so!AGENT BUG: (Reconsiders.) Well, maybe. Of course we may have to

make a few changes.INTERN BUG: (Buzzes around CINDERELLA, talking into cell phone.)

Marty, hold everything! I think my boss just found the star for your next picture.

CINDERELLA: (Does a triumphant leap as INTERN BUG takes pictures with cell phone.) I’m Cinderella Caterpillar, and I’m here to make my dream come true. (To AGENT BUG as INTERN BUG holds the phone in front of CINDERELLA’S face.) Well, do I have it? Do I have the look?

AGENT BUG: (Looks at picture on cell phone.) Ummmmmm… no!GADFLY 1: I so called that.GADFLY 2: I called it way before you ever did. (GADFLIES EXIT.)INTERN BUG: (Talks into phone again.) Sorry, Marty, false alarm.

Text me. Kiss-kiss. (To CINDERELLA.) Sorry, babe, but thanks for playing.

AGENT BUG: Hasta la vista, girlfriend. Can’t be seen hanging around a nobody like you.

AGENT BUG/INTERN BUG: See you never.INTERN BUG: I knew she was a wannabee the whole time.AGENT BUG: Who does she think she is…AGENT BUG/INTERN BUG: …Barbara Fly-sand? (Both EXIT,

laughing.)CINDERELLA: So much for being an overnight success. Oh well, I can

take a little rejection. Besides, suffering is good for the soul. I’m suffering. (Calls out loudly.) I’m suffering! (EXITS. LIGHTS SHIFT to reveal BUG-TV studio.)

BUGSY: (ENTERS wearing headset microphone and carrying a walkie-talkie and a clipboard. FIREFLIES ENTER with a microphone on a stand. LADYBUGS ENTER and gather around the microphone. Barks orders.) Places, insects… places! Why aren’t you in position? Get a move on! This goes over there. You stay over here. (Into mic.) Ready for fi nal dress rehearsal in 15 seconds. You three over here… that’s places in 13 seconds… make that ten, nine, eight… (To AUDIENCE.) Now, you would think that with so little time and such a small budget, we wouldn’t be able to pull off a fabulous show, but you’d be surprised what you can do with a little imagination and a willing audience. (MUSICAL FANFARE PLAYS.

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FIREFLIES hold up applause signs and one fancy sign announcing “The Prince Grasshopper Show.” [OPTIONAL: For a more elaborate set, BUGSY can plug in a cord and light up the set, including a bright applause sign and a marquee for the show.])

LADYBUGS: (Into mic.) And here he is. You know him. You love him. He’s hot. He’s hip. And he has the look. The hottest bug in Bug City…. Priiiiiiiiiince Grasshopper.

PRINCE: (Bounces IN with a professional fl ourish. His glittery green jacket catches the light as he takes his place in a spotlight.) Hey, all you bugs and buglings out there in BUG-TV land. Welcome to my show, which I’d like to begin with a big thank you to all my bug fans out there in the audience. But fi rst, let’s welcome my sidekick, the lovely Queen Bea. Queen Bea?

BUGSY: (Into his walkie-talkie.) Queen Bea. You’re missing your cue again!

BEA: (ENTERS in a tower of curlers and a smock covering her costume. She fi les her nails and looks uninterested.) Don’t you bug me. (SOUND EFFECT: ONE CRICKET CHIRPING. BEA rolls her eyes. Aside to AUDIENCE.) It’s really much better with the laugh track.

BUGSY: And cut! Well, that’s quite enough of that. Great rehearsal, everyone. Okay, fi refl ies, set up for the live broadcast.

BEA: Next time, get my stand-in to do these rehearsals. I am a busy bee! (EXITS.)

BUGSY: (Notices LADYBUGS laughing loudly.) Ladybugs, ladybugs, fl y away home. Your house is on fi re—

LADYBUGS: The children! The children! (EXIT screaming. ALL EXIT as LIGHTS SHIFT to outside the studio. CINDERELLA ENTERS, her nose in a guidebook. PRINCE ENTERS, his nose in a newspaper. Both read while walking toward each other.)

PRINCE: (To self.) It says here I am engaged to Aunt Bea, and I don’t even know any ants named Bea.

CINDERELLA: (To self.) It says here that if I haven’t made it by now, then I need a lucky break. What do they expect… that I’m going to just walk into one? (They are about to walk into each other when they turn and circle around each other unseen. With their backs to each other, they stop, shrug and continue on. PRINCE EXITS.) And without a lucky break, it says right here, there is no way in. So my entire future rests on me bumping into some lucky break? (BEA ENTERS with her head covered, hair still in a tower of curlers. She carries face powder and a powder puff and is about to powder her face when CINDERELLA bumps into her. The powder goes everywhere.) Hi! You wouldn’t happen to be my lucky break, would you?

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BEA: (Hollers.) Bugsy! Bugsy!BUGSY: (ENTERS.) Yes, Queen Bea. What is it now?BEA: Just look at me. I have to go on live BUG-TV in a minute, and I’m

a royal mess.BUGSY: No more than usual… and I mean that in the nicest possible

way.BEA: (To CINDERELLA.) This is all your fault. You… you…CINDERELLA: (Puts out her hand.) Cinderella Caterpillar. And you are?BEA: You don’t know who I am? (Incredulous, to BUGSY.) She doesn’t

know who I am? (Cries.) How can she not know who I am?CINDERELLA: I’m new in town.BEA: Well, then. That explains it. You see, I’m Queen Bea. (Grasps for

response.) Queen Bea? You know? The fabulous? The wonderful? The famous? (SOUND EFFECT: SINGLE CHIRPING CRICKET. Desperate, low key.) I’m Prince Grasshopper’s sidekick.

CINDERELLA: Oh, Prince Grasshopper? I’ve heard of him.BEA: (With a sneer.) Of course you have. Ugh. I can’t believe I’m a

sidekick. (GADFLIES ENTER, talking on cell phones.) Shhh… listen. I think those gadfl ies are talking about me.

GADFLY 1: Yes, of course Prince Grasshopper has the look.GADFLY 2: And what about that sidekick of his… Queen

Whatchamacallit?GADFLY 1: Is she an ant? A fl ea?GADFLY 2: Who cares about that Queen whatever her name is.GADFLIES: See you back at the hive. (They EXIT.)BEA: I am so buzzed off. My hairdo is a hair don’t, my makeup is ruined

and no one can remember my name. I’m moody and cranky and retaining pollen. And I think I’ll take it out on… (Falsely ponders, then points at CINDERELLA.) …you! Don’t tell me. You don’t have a way in, you don’t know anyone in Bug City and you want to be a star, right?

CINDERELLA: More than anything.BEA: Well then, you’d better start rehearsing.BUGSY: Yeah, start rehearsing the phrase…BUGSY/BEA: “Would you like ketchup with those fries?”CINDERELLA: But—BEA: You little nobody nothing caterpillar. You’re through. Finished.

Washed up! You’ll never work in this town again. So give it up, girly-girl, before I squash you like a bug.

BUGSY: You know that saying about being at the right place at the right time? Well…

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BUGSY/BEA: …you weren’t!BEA: Better get used to rejection, honey bug. Don’t buzz us. We won’t

buzz you. (Both escort CINDERELLA to the edge of the stage and kick her OFF. She leaves her suitcase behind.)

BUGSY/BEA: (Wave to departing CINDERELLA.) Bub-bye.BUGSY: Chill out, Bea. You’ll be a spin-off in no time.BEA: I’d better be. I’m just too fabulous not to be the star of my own

show. (Sweet.) Don’t you agree?BUGSY: Do I have a choice? (Catches himself.) I mean, of coise.BEA: Watch it, Bugsy. Just remember I got you this job. And don’t

forget where I found you—working in the kitchen of the House of Dragonfl y, knee deep in a pile of pupu—

BUGSY: Platters! Pupu platters! It was a Polynesian restaurant, and I was serving pupu platters!

BEA: Well, I made you and now you are supposed to make me. So how come I’m still a sidekick and you’re still working for ten percent?

BUGSY: At least we’re working for Prince Grasshopper, the number one bug star who is loved by all of Bug City.

BEA: Bug City loves me! It just doesn’t know it yet. I’m ever so much more than just a catch phrase… Don’t you bug me! (SOUND EFFECT: CRICKET CHIRP. Aside to AUDIENCE.) Who let that cricket in here? I’m telling you. The canned laughter makes all the difference. Now, I’ve got to get that good-for-nothing grasshopper out of what is rightfully my spotlight.

BUGSY: I hope you’re not considering a solo career. Don’t forget, you have no talent.

BEA: My lack of talent isn’t going to stop me from becoming a star.PRINCE: (ENTERS.) Hey, Queen Bea. It’s almost time to do the

commercial for tonight’s show. Don’t you think you should get ready? This is television after all, not radio.

BEA: Oh, don’t get your antennas in a twist. I have plenty of time before my cue.

BUGSY: (Gets down to business.) Now, Prince, you’ll say your lines about tonight’s special midnight show, then Bea will enter and do her hilarious catch phrase and we’re out.

PRINCE: You know, I have this new idea. I thought I might—BUGSY/BEA: Stick to the script!BUGSY: Yeah, Prince, just like we did it in rehearsal. Got it?BEA: I’m sure a big bug star like Prince can handle it. He knows how

important this is to my career… um, I mean his career.BUGSY/BEA/PRINCE: Of course.

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PRINCE: I think I can handle a commercial, but thanks for your concern. (To BEA, playful.) What was your name again?

BEA: Don’t you bug me. (Glares at BUGSY.)BUGSY: (Laughs.) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Don’t forget, Prince. Anything can

happen when you are on live TV.PRINCE: (Walking away.) That’s right, Bugsy. Anything can…

(CINDERELLA ENTERS to retrieve her suitcase. She attempts to retrieve it unseen, but PRINCE manages to trip over it and ends up face to face with CINDERELLA.) …happen. (Flustered.) Hi.

CINDERELLA: Hello.PRINCE: I…CINDERELLA: I….BEA: (To BUGSY.) Do something!BUGSY: (Yells OFFSTAGE.) Release the wannabees! (WANNABEES and

GADFLIES ENTER, pass by CINDERELLA and converge on PRINCE, mobbing him.)

WANNABEE 1: I so love, love, love, love, love you, Prince!WANNABEE 2: You are so my absolute favorite insect!GADFLY 1: I have your poster in my hive!GADFLY 2: I’ve seen every one of your shows a hundred times.SPIDER: (ENTERS.) Stand aside, you amateurs! Prince, Prince, Prince,

Prince, my little Princee-poo. Your prayers have been answered. You simply have to meet my stepdaughter, Connie Cockroach. (Calls OFFSTAGE.) Connie. Connie! Get in here!

WANNABEE 1: Prince, can I have your autograph?WANNABEE 2: No, me fi rst!GADFLY 1: I want a souvenir!GADFLY 2: Save a piece for me!SPIDER: Hey, watch the web. It’s imported. (WANNABEES, GADFLIES

and FIREFLIES fi nally notice SPIDER, scream and run OFF with hands in air, sweeping PRINCE OFF with them.)

PRINCE: (Calls back as he EXITS.) But wait a second. I want to meet that cute caterpillar… (He’s OUT. SPIDER follows. CONNIE ENTERS with her face obscured by a huge potato chip bag, crosses and EXITS.)

BEA: (To CINDERELLA.) So, you think you’ve found yourself a lucky break, huh? Well, think again, honey bug. (Menacing.) Bug City is a dangerous place for a little caterpillar on her own. (BUGSY reveals an old-fashioned insect pump sprayer. He sprays a tiny bit, sniffs it and keels over. BEA rolls her eyes. To AUDIENCE.) Do you see what I have to put up with? (To CINDERELLA.) So here’s my advice to you,

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Little Miss Ruffl es. Give up or get stung. Take it from me, honey bug. A big bug star like Prince Grasshopper may look once at a nobody like you, but with me in the way, he won’t ever get a chance to look twice.

BUGSY: (Comes to and dizzily stands.) I just had the weirdest dream. You were there… and you… and you… (To AUDIENCE.) …and all of you…

BEA: Oh, shut up.BUGSY: So, where were we?CINDERELLA: Bug City is a dangerous place for a little caterpillar on

her own.BEA/BUGSY: (Menacing.) Yes, it certainly is.BEA: So why don’t you go on back to Hicksville and leave entertaining

to the professionals. Bub-bye! (They push CINDERELLA OFF.) Bugsy, how many seconds before my cue?

BUGSY: Thirty.BEA: Well then, don’t you think it’s time you did my hair and…

makeup?!BUGSY: (Removes BEA’S head covering, revealing curlers. Shrieks.) I’m

gonna need some spackle.BEA: How should we make our fi rst exit?BUGSY: With your hilarious catch phrase, of course.BEA: Don’t you bug me! (Repeats the line mechanically as she

EXITS.)BUGSY: Ha-ha-ha-ha… (EXITS with BEA. LIGHTS SHIFT to TV studio.

FIREFLIES ENTER and hold up “ON THE AIR” sign and/or LIGHTS SHIFT to indicate “on the air.” BUGSY ENTERS. GADFLIES and WANNABEES ENTER and become the studio audience.)

LADYBUGS: (ENTER and sing to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies.”)“Come ’n’ listen to my story ’bout a grasshopper guy.He was gnawin’ on some wheat, watchin’ life a-passin’ by.Then one day a feller came along,And offered him a TV show and “Pfft!”… he was gone.” (Speak.) To Bug City, where he became a big bug star. (FIREFLIES wave applause signs.) He’s big… bigger… biggest! He’s Priiiiiince Grasshopper!

PRINCE: (ENTERS to MUSICAL FANFARE.) Hey, Bug City. Thank you for inviting this regular bug into your hearts. You know, I’ve been thinkin’…

BUGSY: (Whispers.) Stick to the script, Prince.PRINCE: (Reads cue card.) “And-here-is-my-lovely-sidekick, the-lovely-

and-beautiful-and-talented-and-lovely-Queen Bea…”

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BEA: (ENTERS to scant applause.) Don’t you bug me! (LOUD CANNED LAUGHTER. Aside to AUDIENCE.) See, I told you it was much funnier with the canned laughter. (Reads cue card.) “Oh-Prince-tell-us-why-we-should-tune-in-to-tonight’s-show.”

PRINCE: Bugs and buglings, what I’m supposed to say right now is, (Reads.) “Don’t-forget-to-tune-in-tonight-to-the-Prince-Grass-hopper-Show.” (Abrupt.) But I’m not going to say that.

WANNABEES/GADFLIES/FIREFLIES/LADYBUGS: You’re not?BEA/BUGSY: He’s not?PRINCE: I’m not! Instead, I’m going to use this live TV time to make

a personal announcement.BEA: (Through a tight smile.) Prince, honey, stick to the script. You

know I’m bad at improv.BUGSY: But you’re bad at everything.BEA: (Low growl.) Don’t you bug me.PRINCE: The Prince Grasshopper show has a prince and a queen, so

that practically makes us a royal family. Right, Queen Bea?BEA: Uh, what? Ah, well, yes. I guess we are sort of a royal family.

Why not?PRINCE: And what royal family is complete without… a princess?BEA: (Aside, to BUGSY.) Some days it just doesn’t pay to leave the

hive. (To PRINCE.) A princess?PRINCE: Yes, all you girl bugs out there. I’m looking for a princess.

And when I fi nd my one and only girl bug, I’m going to share my spotlight with her.

BEA: (Incredulous, pushes PRINCE out of the way.) But Prince, there is hardly enough room for me in your spotlight as it is… (Catches herself.) …uh, I mean, but Prince, how will you ever fi nd this one and only girl bug when there are, well, just so many to choose from?

PRINCE: I’ll start looking today, and I won’t stop until I fi nd her. As a matter of fact, just outside a minute ago I saw a bug who just might be—

BEA: (Angry.) Prince, this princess idea of yours is… is… (BUGSY frantically writes on a cue card and holds it up for BEA to read.) …“fab… u… lous.”

PRINCE: Thanks.BEA: (Under her breath. To BUGSY.) Are you out of your little bug

mind?BUGSY: Keep reading.BEA: “So-tune-in-to-meet-Prince’s-new-princess… at (Malicious.)

midnight tonight!”

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PRINCE: (Fretful.) Midnight tonight?ALL: Midnight tonight!BUGSY: …and we’re out. (FIREFLIES take down “ON THE AIR” sign

[and/or LIGHTS SHIFT]. FIREFLIES, LADYBUGS, WANNABEES and GADFLIES EXIT. PRINCE and BEA step off platform as LIGHTS SHIFT to indicate we’re back outside the TV studio.)

PRINCE: I have to fi nd a princess by midnight tonight?BEA: You were right, Prince. Anything can happen on live TV.

(WANNABEES and GADFLIES ENTER screaming with hands in air and EXIT.)

SPIDER: (ENTERS. Runs by BEA to molest PRINCE.) A bug princess! (Calls.) Connie! (Back to PRINCE.) Why, it’s an inspired idea. Simply genius! (Calls.) Connie Cockroach, get over here this instant! (Back to PRINCE.) I have your perfect girl bug right here. No, not me… fresh! No, my newest stepdaughter, the lovely, the talented… here she is, your new princess, Connie Cockroach. (Flustered.) Well, she must be powdering her nose. Connie, come here this instant… (EXITS. CONNIE ENTERS with her head covered by a large box of Ding Dongs and EXITS.)

PRINCE: What have I gotten myself into? (WANNABEES and GADFLIES ENTER. They chase PRINCE OFFSTAGE.)

BEA: My career. It’s ruined, that’s all. Ruined. Prince will introduce a new princess, and the two of them will be bigger than ever and I’ll be yesterday’s news. And it’s not my fault. (To BUGSY.) It’s your fault. How could you let this happen? I’ll be washed up and you… we all know where you will be… right back in a big pile of pupu… (After BUGSY’S glare.) …platters.

BUGSY: Not if he ends up on tonight’s show with a hideous princess.

BEA: (Not hearing him.) I’ll fade from view. (Imagines a conversation.) Do you remember Queen Bea? Neither do I.

BUGSY: (Louder.) Not if he ends up on tonight’s show with a hideous princess.

BEA: (Not hearing him again.) I’ll be a “has-been” before I’m a “really-am.”

ALL: (ALL except PRINCE and CINDERELLA ENTER. Very loud.) Not if he ends up on tonight’s show with a hideous princess! (They EXIT again.)

BEA: You insects, if the princess is hideous, then Prince’s career would be ruined… (Gets it.) …which would be very good… (Got it.) …for me!

BUGSY: Very good. After tonight, you’ll own Bug City.

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BEA: That’s all I’ve ever wanted.BUGSY: And everyone will love you.BEA: No, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.BUGSY: And everybody will buy your merchandise.BEA: No, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. With these buns, I was born to

be in a happy meal.BUGSY: Plan A. Operation Audition. (They shake hands and BUGSY

whispers into BEA’S ear. PRINCE ENTERS and hides behind BEA as WANNABEES and SHUTTERBUGS ENTER.)

WANNABEE1: Pick me, Princee-wincee. I’m so a ten!WANNABEE 2: I’ve so got your princess right here!SHUTTERBUG 1: I need a Prince close-up. Just one.SHUTTERBUG 2: An exclusive. That’s all I’m asking for. (WANNABEES

and SHUTTERBUGS EXIT.)BEA: Well, Prince. Looks like you’re about to have a hectic day.BUGSY: Yeah, every girl in Bug City wants a piece of you now. (GADFLIES

ENTER. PRINCE hides again.)GADFLY 1: Just wait till I get my hands on him… all six of them.GADFLY 2: I’m sure we will see eye to eye to eye to eye.GADFLY 1: I’m going to try to sneak into his dressing room.GADFLY 2: I’ll pry open his mail box. (GADFLIES EXIT.)PRINCE: (Comes out from hiding.) So much for fi nding my one and only

girl bug the old-fashioned way. Say, have either of you seen that pink caterpillar?

BEA: You probably won’t survive the day.BUGSY: You’ll be ripped from segment to segment if you go out to

look for a princess now.BEA: And if you don’t introduce your new princess on tonight’s show,

then everyone will think you are a big…BEA/BUGSY: (Form the letter “L” with their fi ngers pressed to their

foreheads.) …loser.BEA: Good luck, Prince. Glad I’m not you!PRINCE: What am I going to do?BEA: You’re going to let us help you.BUGSY: We’ll handle everything.BEA: You can trust us.BUGSY: Would we lie to you?BEA: No. No. Don’t thank us.BEA/BUGSY: (Smarmy.) That’s what friends are for.

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BUGSY: (Shouts OFFSTAGE.) Okay, let ’em in… one at a time. We don’t want a swarm on our hands. Yikes! (Leads PRINCE to the side. FIREFLIES ENTER and act as security during the scene when various BUGS ENTER, run to BEA, sign clipboard and EXIT one after another throughout the scene. To PRINCE.) We’ll have an audition so you can search the yapping hoard… I mean the herd… uh, I mean the swarm. Then you can choose your princess from the bevy of beautiful, bubbly, bountifully bodacious bugs who are right now at this moment fi lling the last slots on that cleverly concocted, chrome-coated clipboard. (BEA is distracted as CINDERELLA sneaks IN unseen, signs clipboard and EXITS.)

BEA: (To PRINCE.) Ready for your fi rst audition, honey bug?PRINCE: But what if my one and only girl bug doesn’t come to the

audition?BEA: Oh, she’ll come, honey bug. Who wouldn’t? And just to make

sure, Bugsy will scour Bug City and search out every perky, peppy, positively precious princess possibility. Promise!

PRINCE: Thanks, I guess. I sure hope my one and only girl bug is on that clipboard.

BEA: But she is, honey bug. A girl from this list will be your new princess, like it or not.

BUGSY: She means… may the best bug win. Right?PRINCE: Hey, guys, see if you can fi nd that pink caterpillar.BUGSY/BEA: Oh, don’t worry. We’ll be on the lookout for her especially.

(PRINCE EXITS. GADFLIES ENTER and run to BEA, who checks them off. They EXIT.)

BEA: Go right in. Best of luck. Mean it. Next! (CINDERELLA and WANNABEES ENTER on the opposite side of the stage from BEA.)

CINDERELLA: Why haven’t you two made it big yet?WANNABEE 1: Oh, us?WANNABEE 2: We have absolutely no talent whatsoever.CINDERELLA: But you still want to be Prince’s princess anyway?WANNABEE 1: Why not?WANNABEE 2: Princess is an awfully good career choice.WANNABEES: I mean, nice work if you can get it.BEA: Next! (WANNABEES fi le past BEA and EXIT as LADYBUGS ENTER.)

Go right in. Best of luck. Really mean it! (LADYBUGS fi le past BEA and EXIT. GADFLIES ENTER screaming with arms in air and EXIT).

SPIDER: (ENTERS, calling over her shoulder.) Now, Connie, the audition is right through here. Get in there and break some legs. (Calls.) Connie? Connie? My, how she does scamper off. (Feigns surprise

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when BEA offers to let her in.) Me? No, I couldn’t. Really? Well, if you insist…

BEA: Go right in. Best of luck. Really, really mean it! (SPIDER EXITS. Finally sees CINDERELLA.) Fat chance, caterpillar. Mean it!

BUGSY: Weeeeelll, if it isn’t Prince’s little hanger-on.BEA: The groupies hang around the back, honey bug.BUGSY: Sorry, ruffl e girl, but this audition is only for bugs who are on

the list.CINDERELLA: But I am on the list.BEA: (Not even looking.) Sorry, honey bug, but I just don’t see your

name on this list.BUGSY: (Points it out.) Well, whaddya know. There it is right there!

(BEA tears the paper and steps on BUGSY’S toe. BUGSY screams. BEA stuffs the paper in his mouth and he “swallows.”)

BEA: Sorry, honey bug, but I just don’t see your name on the list.CINDERELLA: But I deserve a chance.BEA: You don’t deserve squat.BUGSY: Yeah, so am-scray or you’ll be orry-say. (Pulls out old-fashioned

insect pump sprayer. He pumps, but it malfunctions. He looks down the barrel and pumps. He faints.)

BEA: What an oobie-bay! (To CINDERELLA.) You will never get into this audition. Never. Age and rhinestones will always win over youth and ruffl es…

BUGSY: (Comes to.) …and pupu… platters.CINDERELLA: You can’t shut me out, and you can’t shut me up. You

won’t stop me.BEA: Oh, yeah? Well, I’ve got a news fl ash for you, little missy.BUGSY: (Revived, sings loudly.) “Everything’s comin’ up roaches for

me and for—” (GADFLIES ENTER screaming, then EXIT. SPIDER ENTERS in pursuit, then EXITS. CONNIE ENTERS, her face once again concealed by a food wrapper or package, then EXITS. At the height of the melee, PRINCE ENTERS. BEA and BUGSY FREEZE.)

PRINCE: You found her!BEA/BUGSY: (Through clenched teeth.) Yes. We found her.BEA: Oh… ah… (To BUGSY.) What now?BUGSY: A second exit… with a fabulous fl ourish?BEA/BUGSY: We’ll… be… baaaack. (They EXIT with a fl ourish. [NOTE:

If an intermission is desired, brings the lights down. Otherwise, Scene One fl ows seamlessly into the next.])

End of Scene One

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Scene TwoCINDERELLA: I hope I’m not too late.PRINCE: I’d say you were right on time. You should feel my heart

beating.CINDERELLA: I can. It’s beating to the same rhythm as my heart.

(They share a moment.)PRINCE: That audition was a nightmare. Talk about stinkbugs. If I had

to listen to one more aria from Madame Butterfl y… but hey, let’s not talk about them when we can be talking about… (SHUTTERBUGS ENTER.)

SHUTTERBUG 1: You. Yes, you! Tell us…SHUTTERBUG 2: Just between us bugs. We want to know everything.CINDERELLA: Me? Well, there’s not much to tell really. I have a story,

just like the other 800 million trillion zillion stories in the insect kingdom.

SHUTTERBUG 1: Girl bug with a heart of gold struggles to make her dream come true.

SHUTTERBUG 2: I love that story!SHUTTERBUG 1: And what is your dream?SHUTTERBUG 2: Yes, do tell us. (GADFLIES, WANNABEES and

FIREFLIES ENTER.)ALL BUGS: Inquiring minds want to know.CINDERELLA: Well, I want everyone in Bug City to know the name

Cinderella Caterpillar.PRINCE: Fame? You want fame? Be careful what you wish for. You just

might get it.CINDERELLA: I have to get it. I want everyone to know my story

because I want to show them that dreams do come true as long as you never give up and keep trying and keep trying and keep trying… like me. And if I can inspire one other bug out there to go for their dream, then my dream will have come true a thousand times. (ALL applaud.)

SHUTTERBUGS: Now that’s a great story.GADFLIES: What an angle!FIREFLIES/WANNABEES: Loving this!PRINCE: Wow! You’re inspiring me.CINDERELLA: I am? Wait. You don’t count. You already have it all.PRINCE: I didn’t… but I think I do now. Cinderella, it’s lonely in the

spotlight alone.CINDERELLA: And it’s lonely out here in the dark.

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PRINCE: There’s room for two in my spotlight.ALL BUGS: (Loudly sigh in unison, then begin to EXIT, ad-libbing.) Well,

I’d better get back to the ant farm. Watch out for fl y paper. Fly safely. See ya round the ant hill. Etc. (EXIT.)

PRINCE: C’mon…CINDERELLA: Where are you taking me?PRINCE: To the moon… over the rainbow… but fi rst, if you want to be

a star, you have to learn how to twinkle. (EXITS with CINDERELLA.) BEA: (ENTERS with BUGSY. Bitter.) I told you this princess thing was

a bad idea.GADFLY 1: (ENTERS with GADFLY 2, talking on cell phones.) Well, I

heard that Prince Grasshopper hadn’t found a princess.GADFLY 2: Well, I heard that Queen Bea is the next big thing.BEA: (Sweetly.) I told you this princess thing was a good idea.GADFLY 1: But then I heard that Prince found a princess, and she’s

cute as a bug.GADFLY 2: Like I always said… Prince is here to stay, and that Queen

Bea is yesterday’s news. (GADFLIES EXIT.)BEA: It’s all gone wrong. Terribly wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong. I’m

overcome. I’m overwrought.BUGSY: You’re overacting.BEA: Now that Prince has found that cute caterpillar, I might as well

just give it up. A come-from-nowhere princess is going to grab all my fame. I’ll fade into obscurity.

BUGSY: But you’re already obscure.BEA: Don’t you bug me. Hey, what’s that I smell? Is that a steaming

pile of pupu?BUGSY: Platters! It was pupu platters, and they’re not bad with a little

soy sauce.BEA: We simply must break up the happy couple right now.BUGSY: Let’s go do it!BEA: How should we exit this time?BUGSY: How about with a joke? Why did the man throw the butter out

the window?BEA: ’Cause he wanted to see butterfl y! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. (EXITS with

BUGSY.)PRINCE: (ENTERS with CINDERELLA. He carries a shopping bag.) So

now we have to fi gure out your look. The look is very important in Bug City. Do you think I was a star before I found this coat? Nope. I was just another nobody grasshopper eating leaves off of trees

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until this coat transformed me into Prince Grasshopper, super bug star.

CINDERELLA: I don’t really think a feather boa is going to make me a super bug star. Besides, I don’t have the look.

WANNABEES: (ENTER.) The look?PRINCE: Not yet.WANNABEES: So just kidding. (EXIT.)PRINCE: Relax. It’s in the bag… literally. Just be yourself and put this

on. And this. And this. (Dresses CINDERELLA in glitzy accessories—glasses, boas, glass slippers.)

CINDERELLA: Um, Prince. This really isn’t me.PRINCE: Okay. Not yet, but somewhere in here is your perfect look.CINDERELLA: Well, I guess you know what you’re doing. You do know

what you’re doing, don’t you?PRINCE: I don’t have a clue. That’s why I have called in some

experts. Here they are now. (MAKEOVER BUGS ENTER. They circle CINDERELLA, ponder, then remove all accessories.)

CINDERELLA: Couldn’t I keep the shoes? They’re kind of cool.MAKEOVER BUGS: (They agree.) The look? The look? The look.PRINCE: Wow. That works. You’re… you’re beautiful.MAKEOVER BUGS: Our work is done. Now don’t change a thing. You

are perfect exactly the way you are. (To PRINCE.) You’ll be receiving our bill. (EXIT.)

PRINCE: Well, you heard it from them, and they should know. Cinderella Caterpillar has the look. (EXITS with CINDERELLA.)

BUGSY/BEA: (ENTER.) The look?SHUTTERBUGS: (Poke heads ONSTAGE.) The look!BUGSY/BEA: That’s what I thought they said.BUGSY: Glass slippers? Not very practical.BEA: Still, she does have something. You know right about now would

be a great time for Plan B.BUGSY: I’ve got it. Plan B. You’re going to have that dear little

caterpillar… for dinner.BEA: But, Bugsy, I’m a strict vegetarian.BUGSY: Doofus. (To AUDIENCE.) You know, she’s really working my

nervous system… and I don’t even have one. (To BEA.) Listen, you’re going to invite the caterpillar to have dinner with you.

BEA: But why would I ever want to be seen in public with a nothing caterpillar?

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BUGSY: That’s just the point. Who would want to be seen in public with a caterpillar? After all they are so…

BEA: So squishy? So crawly? So yucky? So creepy? So icky?BUGSY: …so ugly.BUGSY/BEA: Plan B… Operation Ugly Bug. (FIREFLIES ENTER with

two chairs and a table and set up a sidewalk café outside BUG-TV Studios. They remain as waiters. A chair is offered to BEA, who sits. CINDERELLA and PRINCE ENTER.)

BUGSY: Ask her already.BEA: Yeah, yeah. So, honey bug, who does your ruffl es?BUGSY: Snap to it, Bea. Midnight is approaching.BEA: All right already! Uh, Prince, honey bug… how would you and

your pretty little princess-to-be like to have a bite to eat with… (Indicates herself.) …a big bug star.

BUGSY: Why, do you know one?BEA: Don’t you bug me.BUGSY: Prince, the lighting designer wants to change all the spotlights

to green. Is that okay with you?PRINCE: Well, uh…BEA: (Kicks BUGSY to PRINCE, pulls CINDERELLA into empty chair.)

That’s okay, Princey-poo. We’ll just have some girl talk while you work. I’m sure I have lots of tips for the new princess-to-be.

PRINCE: Cinderella, I do have to work on tonight’s show. But stay here. Relax. Have a bite to eat. You’re going to be a star in a few hours! (EXITS. BEA and BUGSY close in on CINDERELLA.)

CINDERELLA: So what is today’s special?BUGSY: A heaping plate full of reality, honey bug.BEA: Now that we’re alone, I thought you should know what everyone

is saying about the caterpillar princess-to-be. (GADFLIES ENTER, talking on cell phones.)

GADFLY 1: I know. A caterpillar. Doesn’t Prince know that caterpillars are well… you know!

GADFLY 2: Everyone I know thinks that.GADFLY 1: If Prince goes through with this, it is the end of his

career.GADFLY 2: And it will all be that caterpillar’s fault. (GADFLIES EXIT.)CINDERELLA: What’s wrong with caterpillars?BEA: Well, you didn’t hear it from me because I am certainly not

one to talk, but word on the street is that caterpillars are, well, they’re… uh… ugly bugs.

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CINDERELLA: Ugly bugs?BUGSY: Ask anyone.FIREFLY 1: That’s what I heard.FIREFLY 2: Me, too.BUGSY: You heard it from them and they should know, Little Miss

Ugly Bug.CINDERELLA: So just because I just happen to have been born a

caterpillar, you think I’m an ugly bug?BUGSY/BEA: Ugly bug. Ugly bug. Ugly-ugly-ugly bug!CINDERELLA: And all of Bug City thinks that caterpillars are… are

ugly bugs?FIREFLIES: We just call them like we see them.BEA: I just thought you should know, honey bug. So if you were

thinking about taking Prince up on his offer, perhaps you should think again. (SHUTTERBUGS, WANNABEES and GADFLIES ENTER, laughing.)

SHUTTERBUG: Did you hear the one about the caterpillar who was so… (Whispers punch line to OTHERS. ALL laugh.)

CINDERELLA: What’s so funny about caterpillars?BUGSY: Funny? I’d hardly call the end of Prince’s career funny.CINDERELLA: What are you talking about?BEA: Well, what do you think will happen when he announces to all of

Bug City that his new princess is an ugly bug?CINDERELLA: But that’s prejudice! You can’t discriminate against an

entire class of bugs just because they’re different from you. That’s not fair.

ALL: (Ad-lib.) Fair? Rrrrring. Clue phone. It’s for you.PRINCE: (From OFFSTAGE.) Cinderella… Cinderella.WANNABEE 1: She’ll so destroy Prince’s career.WANNABEE 2: He’ll so end up a big loser.GADFLY 1: She doesn’t have a chance.GADFLY 2: She’s an ugly bug.SHUTTERBUG 1: What was she thinking?SHUTTERBUG 2: He must be out of his little bug mind. (BUGS EXIT.

FIREFLIES clear the table and chairs as they EXIT.)BUGSY: Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure Prince won’t hate you forever for

ruining his career.BEA: Not much. (So PRINCE can hear.) Thanks for dinner, honey bug. It

was delish. (She and BUGSY pass PRINCE as he ENTERS and stay to observe.)

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PRINCE: Hey, Cinderella. Did I miss anything?CINDERELLA: Yes. I mean no. I mean, do you think… I mean, they

think…PRINCE: I think that you think too much. Soon all of Bug City will know

your name if you’ll just agree and say yes. And what will everyone be thinking then?

CINDERELLA: That I’m an ugly bug?PRINCE: An ugly bug? Where did you get a crazy idea like that? You

must have a touch of stage fright. Don’t worry. It goes away. (Behind PRINCE’S back but in CINDERELLA’S line of sight, BEA and BUGSY mime the death of PRINCE’S career. PRINCE gets down on one knee.) Cinderella, will you be my princess?

CINDERELLA: Wait… I mean… I’m sorry, Prince… but I can’t. I’ve made my decision. I don’t want to be your princess. The answer is no.

PRINCE: But why?! I thought—CINDERELLA: Having your own show is your dream, and I can’t watch

you lose it because of me.PRINCE: Why would I lose it with you as my princess?CINDERELLA: Because, well, you know. I’m… I’m an…GADFLIES/FIREFLIES/WANNABEES/SHUTTERBUGS: (Stick their

heads IN, chanting softly with BEA and BUGSY.) Ugly bug. Ugly bug. Ugly-ugly-ugly bug.

PRINCE: Cinderella, are you nervous? (CINDERELLA shakes her head no, then yes.) So am I. (Turns away. CINDERELLA runs OFF, leaving one shoe behind.) Don’t give up now, not when we’re so close to having it all. After tonight, I’ll have someone to share my spotlight with, and everyone in Bug City will know the name of a caterpillar named… (Turns to fi nd only the shoe, which he retrieves. Broken-hearted.) Cinderella?

BEA: Grasshopper meets caterpillar. Grasshopper loses caterpillar. I love that story!

BUGSY: Wow! Talk about rejection. She dumped you like a hot potato bug.

BEA: (Falsely consoling.) Now, don’t you worry, honey bug. You still have time to fi nd another candidate. Maybe you can stop by Princesses ’R’ Us on your way to the studio. You’ve still got… ten minutes!

BUGSY: And if you show up on tonight’s show without a princess, and everyone sees you for the big loser you are, well…

BEA/BUGSY: (Faux sweet.) You’ve still got us.PRINCE: I’ve got to fi nd that caterpillar. (EXITS.)

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BEA: (To BUGSY.) You’ve got to fi nd that caterpillar.BUGSY/BEA: We’ve got to fi nd that caterpillar.BUGSY: And when we do?BEA: No more Mister Nice Bug! How should we exit this time?BUGSY: How about with a musical fanfare? (They EXIT, providing their

own fanfare.)CINDERELLA: (ENTERS hobbling, looking for her shoe.) You know, just

because everyone called me ugly is no reason to doubt myself. And who is this (Air quotes.) everyone who says caterpillars are ugly? (GADFLIES and WANNABEES ENTER screaming as usual with arms in the air. SPIDER ENTERS. GADFLIES and WANNABEES stop, realize there is nothing to fear, then shrug and EXIT.)

SPIDER: But you are ugly, sweetness, all caterpillars are. Haven’t you heard? But ugliness can be overcome… don’t I know it. So, is the one-shoe bit a new fad? I’ll have to try it. You know what they say… follow every fad. (Removes one shoe, hobbling up and down.) You never want to be left out of the crowd. (To CINDERELLA.) Love your outfi t. I had one exactly like it when I was the queen of the Fleabag Bijou revue… in my youth. I can almost see me in my follow spot. Pink, of course. (Sings to the tune of “Feelings.”) “Feelers, nothing more than feelers, trying to forget my feelers of love…” I was big… I mean, I am big. It’s Bug City that got small. But my dear Connie has youth and talent. She is my future now. (Calls OFF.) Connie? Connie Cockroach. You come here this instant. (EXITS.)

CONNIE: (ENTERS, her head in a snack cake package. She fi nally reveals herself. She wears thick nerd glasses. Speaks with hardly a breath.) Like I have like a dream too you know, and it’s like for sure not to be in show business. Like that’s for sure ’cuz like I hate show biz, but I do have a secret dream, for sure, like that no one knows, ’cuz like I’ve never told it to anyone. But my dream like can’t like come true, so I like gave it up. So like my secret dream will like never come true, so I’m like stuck like you, like you know what I mean?

CINDERELLA: Uh…CONNIE: Like, I’ll tell you if you like wanna know my secret ’cuz my

deep down dream is to be… an accountant. Hey, if there is one thing a cockroach can do, it’s multiply. But like I’ll never have like an adding machine, and like I have to keep like doing my dance of death. Wanna see it? (Takes out an insect pump sprayer, sprays herself, twitches as if in death throes, dances and pretends to die.) Boy, that’s a lotta work. And this cape is really heavy—here, try it on if you don’t believe me. (Puts cape and hood on CINDERELLA, concealing her entirely, and EXITS).

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SPIDER: (ENTERS, mistakes CINDERELLA wearing CONNIE’S cape as CONNIE.) Well, there you are. Finally! Now where did that caterpillar go? They can be so moody.

CINDERELLA: But—SPIDER: (Interrupts her.) Don’t interrupt me, dear. You know, Connie,

it’s the little things that make all the difference. Connie, you’re on the verge, baby. You’ll be bigger than… (Pronounce the “g.”) …Gnat King Cole.

BEA: (ENTERS. CINDERELLA remains disguised while the SPIDER is struck dumb.) Ha! That caterpillar must be miles away by now. Now all I need is a hideous wannabee princess and… oh look, here’s one now. (Recognizes SPIDER.) Stepmother Spider. Honey bug. I’ve loved your act ever since I was a little larva. And is this your lovely newest stepdaughter? (Falsely.) What a vision. I can see why you’re keeping her under wraps. (To CINDERELLA.) You know, honey bug, we just happen to have an opening in tonight’s show for a darling cockroach like you. Now, I know this is short notice and you’re probably not available, but why don’t you swing around to the studio say in… fi ve minutes, no, three minutes… no, make that now, ’kay, honey bug? Here’s a pass to get on stage. (Gives pass to CINDERELLA, stops, then considers.) Hmmm, I’ve never made a solo exit before. How about a hysterical megalomaniac with a half-twist moonwalk exit? (Hysterical.) Soon all of Bug City will be mine. Mine. All mine! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. (EXITS, moonwalking.)

SPIDER: Ya-hoo. Do breaks get any bigger than that? Connie. What did I tell you? Wait long enough and try hard enough and don’t die. Then all your wildest dreams can come true. (EXITS.)

CINDERELLA: (Takes off disguise, pondering.) Hmmm… (CONNIE ENTERS. CINDERELLA whispers to her, they shake hands and EXIT. BUGSY and FIREFLIES ENTER, recreating the TV set as LIGHTS SHIFT to inside the studio. LADYBUGS ENTER and take their places around the microphone. WANNABEES and GADFLIES ENTER and become the studio audience.)

BUGSY: Places everyone, places!FIREFLY 1: We’re ready to go on the air in…FIREFLY 2: …fi ve, four, three… (FIREFLIES hold up “ON THE AIR” sign

and/or LIGHTS SHIFT.)LADYBUGS: (Sing to the “Green Acres” theme song.)

“Prince Grasshopper was all alone.Wanted a princess he could call his own.A zillion girl bugs wanted him to choose her.Did he pick one or is he a loser?” (Speak.) The deal is sealed and will be revealed. Midnight, here we come!

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LADYBUG 1: Welcome that glittering star…LADYBUG 2: …who was lonely in the spotlight…LADYBUG 1: …but is here to introduce…LADYBUG 2: …his new princess.LADYBUG 1: You know him.LADYBUG 2: You love him.LADYBUG 1: Along with Duchess Whatchamacallit.BEA: (ENTERS.) That’s Queen Whatchamacallit. I mean… oh, don’t

you bu—oh, you know the rest.LADYBUGS/BEA: Here he is… Prrrrrrrince Grasshopper. (PRINCE

ENTERS with the glass slipper.)WANNABEES/GADFLIES: (Ad-lib.) We love you, Prince. You’re so the

best. Etc.PRINCE: Hey, bugs and buglings.BEA: All alone, Prince? And here it is seconds before midnight. Where’s

your new princess, honey bug? I’m just dying to meet her.BUGSY: (Prompts BEA, who repeats the following line a beat late.)

What? No princess? What a shame! Well, the show must…BEA: What? No princess? What a shame! Well, the show must…

(To BUGSY.) …go on! (CINDERELLA ENTERS, still disguised in cloak.) We’ve got your princess right here. Here she is, Connie Cockroach.

PRINCE: Uh, thanks, but I’ve already made my choice, and there is no second place. All I want is someone special to share my spotlight with, but that is a dream I’m going to have to give up.

CINDERELLA: Never give up your dream, Prince. (Removes the cape.)PRINCE: Cinderella, it’s you! You’re here?CINDERELLA: Where else would I be?BEA: How did you get in here?CINDERELLA: (Shows pass.) You invited me.BUGSY: Drat that caterpillar.BEA: So what do we do now?BUGSY: Plan C.BEA: What is it?BUGSY: I’ll let you know… as soon as I think of it.PRINCE: Bugs and buglings, it’s time to introduce you to my new

princess… (BUGSY prods LADYBUGS.)LADYBUGS: Right after a word from our sponsor.

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FIREFLY 1: (Brings “ON THE AIR” sign down and/or LIGHTS SHIFT.) And we’re out. Back in 15 seconds. (WANNABEES EXIT.)

FIREFLY 2: That’s 14 seconds.CINDERELLA: (Aside to PRINCE.) Prince, I know that everyone thinks

caterpillars are ugly bugs, so are you sure you want to go through with this?

PRINCE: Ugly bugs? All this ugly bug stuff started… right after you had your little dinner party… (Puts it together.) …with Queen Bea.

BEA: Now would be a really good time for Plan C!BUGSY: I’ve got it! (Aside to BEA.) I’m coming back in costume, so

play along. (EXITS.)PRINCE: Well, Bea?BEA: Really, Prince. After all, she is a caterpillar… and, well… icky

poo. What will everyone say if you choose a caterpillar as your princess?

PRINCE: They will say that Prince Grasshopper is the luckiest bug in Bug City. (To CINDERELLA.) And even if everyone did think the way Bea does, I’d give up my spotlight for you in a minute. You are my dream now, and I won’t give up until my dream has come true.

FIREFLY 1: We’re back in fi ve… four… three… (Holds up “ON THE AIR” sign again and or LIGHTS SHIFT.)

PRINCE: Cinderella, I want everyone in Bug City to know your name so you can show them that dreams do come true as long as you…

PRINCE/CINDERELLA: …never give up!PRINCE: (Down on one knee, presenting shoe.) Cinderella Caterpillar,

will you be my princess?BEA: Well, would you just look at the time? Will she or won’t she? We’ll

fi nd out… right after another word from our sponsor. (FIREFLY 1 takes down “ON THE AIR” sign comes down and/or LIGHTS SHIFT.)

FIREFLY 1: And we’re out. Back in 60, everyone.FIREFLY 2: Make that 59.DEMILLIPEDE: (ENTERS speaking to ASSISTANT, loudly.) Clear my

schedule for tomorrow. I’m having lunch with Steven Spiel-bug.ASSISTANT BUG: (Punches a handheld device.) Schedule cleared.FIREFLY 1: Wow! Do you know who that is?GADFLY 1: That’s the big movie director, Cecil B. DeMillipede!DEMILLIPEDE: Bea, darlink, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.BEA: Me?DEMILLIPEDE: I need you for my next picture. I want you for my next

picture. I must have you for my next picture.

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BEA: Me? But I have no talent. Wait a minute… oh, I get it! (Aside, as if to BUGSY.) It’s you, Bugsy, isn’t it? Great get up. You look just like the old cootie. Okay, okay. I’ll play along.

DEMILLIPEDE: Cootie? Darlink, what are you buzzing about? Will you do my next picture or not?

BEA: (Overacts.) I’m sorry, Cecil, but I am not available.DEMILLIPEDE: But, darlink, I must have you.BEA: No.DEMILLIPEDE: But, darlink, I must—BEA: No.ASSISTANT BUG: But, darlink—BEA: No, no, a thousand times no!DEMILLIPEDE: Well, all right then. (Turns to CINDERELLA.) You there,

caterpillar nobody. I must have you for my next picture. I’ll make you the biggest come-from-nowhere star Bug City has ever known.

CINDERELLA: Me?BEA: So what’s it gonna be, honey bug? Your wildest dream of fame

come true in wide-screen Technicolor… or half of a used up spotlight on a six inch BUG-TV screen?

CINDERELLA: Well, I…BUGSY: (ENTERS dressed like DEMILLIPEDE, imitating him.) Bea,

darlink, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I need you for my next picture. I want you for my next picture. I must have you for my next picture. (Aside to BEA.) It’s me, Bugsy. Play along. (Walks to DEMILLIPEDE. They act as if looking in mirror, but the jig is up.)

BEA: Bugsy? So if you’re you, then that means that this really is… and he really does want me in his next movie? (Jumps into DEMILLIPEDE’S arms.) Oh, Cecil. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

DEMILLIPEDE: (Drops BEA.) Sorry, darlink, but the bee movie has been shelved. We’re giving the green light to the Cinderella Caterpillar story.

ASSISTANT BUG: (To CINDERELLA.) Have your bugs call our bugs. (EXITS with DEMILLIPEDE.)

CINDERELLA: But I don’t have any bugs.BEA: Come back, Cecil. Could I at least be an extra?BUGSY: If you ever need a body double, I’m the fl y for the job.PRINCE: I don’t want to stand in your way, so I’ll accept whatever

decision you make. So I guess it’s all up to you.CINDERELLA: If I… then I… I know what I have to do. (EXITS while

calling OFFSTAGE.) Oh, Mr. Demillipede…

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FIREFLY 1: And we’re back in…FIREFLY 2: … fi ve… four… three… (Holds up “ON THE AIR” sign and/

or LIGHTS SHIFT. PRINCE is sad. BEA is elated.)BEA: All alone again, Prince? Where’d your new princess go? I’m just

dying to meet her… and I almost mean it.PRINCE: (Into imaginary center “camera.”) Ever had one of those days?

Today I found my one and only princess, but then I lost her, and then I thought I would get her back again… but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. So that makes me a big loser, I guess. All I wanted was someone to share my spotlight with, but that’s a dream I might just have to give up.

CINDERELLA: (ENTERS.) But, Prince, dreams only come true if you never give up.

PRINCE: (Elated.) Bugs and buglings, this is Cinderella Caterpillar, my new… wait. (Gets down on knee.) Will you, Cinderella… will you be my princess?

CINDERELLA: Yes, Prince. I will be your princess.PRINCE: (Kneels and puts the shoe on CINDERELLA’S foot. Aside to

CINDERELLA.) Are you nervous? (CINDERELLA shakes her head no.) Neither am I.

FIREFLY 1: A caterpillar princess?WANNABEE 1: Could it be?FIREFLY 2: Why not?WANNABEE 2: It makes perfect sense to me. (GADFLIES EXIT.)BEA: A caterpillar princess? You must be joking. She doesn’t have the

look. (After no reaction, does bit herself.) The look! The look? The look! (Desperate.) Besides, caterpillars are ugly bugs, right, Bugsy? (Pleads.) Doesn’t everyone agree? Caterpillars are ugly bugs.

ALL: (Turn on her, in unison.) Watch it, Bea. Some of our best friends are caterpillars.

BEA: (To BUGSY.) So, what now?BUGSY: Plan Z.BEA: What’s Plan Z?BUGSY: You sell all your rhinestones and open a roach motel.BEA: And in your future, I smell lots and lots of pupu…BUGSY/BEA: Platters. Waaaa…BEA: How should we make our fi nal exit?BUGSY: With applause, of course.BEA: (Begs AUDIENCE as PRINCE and CINDERELLA suppress applause.)

Please, please applaud for us.

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BUGSY: Pretty please? Just a little clap?BUGSY/BEA: Oh, all right. We’re leaving now, and we’re never coming

back! (AUDIENCE and ALL applaud at this news. They EXIT.)PRINCE: When you went after Demillipede, I got a little worried.CINDERELLA: I just had to tell him that I would rather be happy

in a spotlight for two than lonely in front of a camera… alone. Besides, he had already decided to go in a completely different direction. (GADFLIES ENTER screaming and throwing fl ower petals. SPIDER ENTERS wearing a black veil and holding a bouquet with DEMILLIPEDE on her arm as groom. ASSISTANT BUG carries her train. CONNIE ENTERS and throws rice.)

SPIDER: Husband number 56. I’m so happy. I’m so hungry. I hope I have the room. (Tosses the bouquet; CINDERELLA catches it. [OPTIONAL: PRINCE turns on a marquee that reads, “Cinderella Caterpillar” written in lights. ALL BUGS applaud and ooh and aah.])

PRINCE: Aren’t you going to turn into a butterfl y now?CINDERELLA: I’m saving that for the sequel.CONNIE: (To OTHER BUGS.) If Cinderella Caterpillar can make her

dream come true, then maybe I can make my dream come true, too. I’m not going to give up my dream, and neither should any of you. Thanks, Cinderella. You are my inspiration.

PRINCE: Cinderella, the spotlight is yours.CINDERELLA: You mean ours. (PRINCE and CINDERELLA kiss or hug.)ALL: I love a happy ending. Don’t you? (FIREFLIES hold up “applause”

signs. BLACKOUT.)END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESON STAGE: Platform (possibly decorated like an overturned tuna

can), sparkly shower curtain, additional optional oversized items to indicate a bug’s world, optional backdrop or banners depicting huge fl owers. For a more elaborate set, have more items found on a TV studio set, including fully lit and fl ashing signs for applause, the Prince Grasshopper Show, on the air, Cinderella Caterpillar, etc.

BROUGHT ON:Autograph books, cell phones, fl ower petals (GADFLIES)Writing implement, newspaper, shopping bag fi lled with fancy

eyeglasses, boas and a pair of “glass” slippers (PRINCE)Handkerchief, black veil with train, bouquet (SPIDER)Oversized snack food bag, potato chip bag, Ding Dong box and

snack cake package; old-fashioned insect pump sprayer, uncooked rice (CONNIE)

Cameras (SHUTTERBUGS)Suitcase with “Bug City or Bust” written on side, guidebook entitled

“How to Make It Big in Bug City,” purse (CINDERELLA)Cell phone (INTERN BUG, AGENT BUG)Headset microphone, walkie-talkie, clipboard, writing implement,

old-fashioned insect pump sprayer (BUGSY)Nail fi le, face powder, powder puff, clipboard with paper, backstage

pass (BEA)Microphone on a stand, applause signs, “Prince Grasshopper

Show” sign, “On the Air” sign, cue cards, two chairs, café table, fl ower petals (FIREFLIES)

Handheld device like a Blackberry (ASSISTANT BUG)

SOUND EFFECTSMusical fanfare, single cricket chirp, canned laughter, door opening/slamming.

LIGHT EFFECTSIf possible, the TV studio should only be lit when actors are in it. Ideally, lights on the TV studio set come up even more fully whenever they are “on the air.”

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COSTUMESCostumes can be done minimally with colored t-shirts, jeans and antennae to differentiate the groups of bugs. Or you can go all out with full body costumes with wings, additional arms and legs, bulging eyes, etc. CINDERELLA should have a fl uffy look with lots of ruffl es. PRINCE should wear a glittery green sequined jacket. BEA should have a beehive on her head and black and yellow stripes. In Scene One, a smock covers her outfi t, and her hair is in curlers and covered. CONNIE wears thick glasses and a heavy cape with a hood—that is, when her head isn’t concealed by a giant snack bag. At the end of the play, SPIDER should be in a black wedding dress with a prominent red hourglass icon.

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